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Tonight, at the home of variety...

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And tonight your host is Jack Whitehall.

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It's Sunday Night At The Palladium.

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Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome your host, Jack Whitehall!

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Ah, welcome to Sunday
Night At The Palladium.

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Hello to everyone watching at home and also
to this wonderful audience here tonight.

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What a show we have tonight! And
can I just say, on a personal note,

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how excited I am that my
dream has finally come true?

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I'm on ITV on a Sunday night.

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Yeah.

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Admittedly, in my dream,
I was in Downton Abbey...

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.. having a passionate
affair with Mrs Patmore.

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But this will have to do for now.

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To kick things off, we have a
band with ten top-ten singles,

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55 million albums sold worldwide.

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They are one of Britain's
biggest ever bands.

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Please put your hands together,
whoop and holler for Simply Red!

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♪ Driving down an endless road

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♪ And taking friends or moving alone

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♪ Pleasure at the fairground on the way

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♪ It's always friends that feel so good

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♪ Let's make amends
like all good men should

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♪ Pleasure at the fairground on the way

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♪ And I love the thought
of coming home to you

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♪ Even if I know we can't make it

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♪ Yes, I love the thought
of giving hope to you

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♪ Just a little ray of
light shining through

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♪ Love can bend and breathe alone

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♪ Until the end it finds you a home

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♪ Pleasure at the fairground on the way

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Come on!

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♪ And I love the thought
of coming home to you

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♪ Even if I know we can't make it

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♪ Yes, I love the thought
of giving hope to you

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♪ Just a little ray of
light shining through

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♪ Pleasure at the fairground on the way

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Come on, now!

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♪ And I love the thought
of coming home to you

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♪ Even if I know we can't make it

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♪ Yes, I love the thought
of giving hope to you

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♪ Just a little ray of
light shining through

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♪ Even if I know we can't make it

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♪ Love the thought

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♪ Just a little ray of
light shining through

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♪ Love the thought ♪

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Ah! She's on her feet!

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What a way to kick off the show!
Simply Red, ladies and gentlemen.

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Wow!

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Ed Sheeran's dad knows how to rock it.

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That was amazing. I
love a bit of Simply Red,

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cos Simply Red is the
ultimate date music, isn't it?

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That is proper music that you put on

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when you want to set the
mood for some wooing.

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Candles: check. Simply Red: check.

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Domino's Meat Feast with a
shared garlic dip: check.

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I know how to treat a woman.

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Have we got any couples here this evening?

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Who's here on date night? Hands up.

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- What are your names?
- Mike and Ellie.

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- Are you married or engaged or...?
- We're on a first date.

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You're on a first date?

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Shut up!

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Oh, my God! Where did you meet?

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Outside in the foyer.

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Big spender's really
splashed out, hasn't he?

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Taking you to the only West End
show where the tickets are free.

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I'm sorry. I'll stop talking to you. I feel
like I'm putting too much pressure on you.

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If this does not at least end
with a kiss by the cab rank,

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I will feel like I've let you down.

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Although Mike looks more like a
'fondle on the night bus' kind of guy.

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Now, if I had a pound for
every time someone said to me,

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'Jack, why aren't there more experimental
Japanese dance ensembles on TV?'...

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.. well, I'd have zero
pounds, but trust me...

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I saw these guys in rehearsals.
They are going to blow you away.

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Please welcome the incredible EL Squad
from the Wrecking Crew Orchestra!

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Please give it up for the EL Squad
from the Wrecking Crew Orchestra!

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Oh, that was exhausting.

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My crew. Give it up for the
Wrecking Crew Orchestra, guys.

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I'll tell you what -- this little
bad boy has changed my life.

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Not only very comfortable to wear,

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but also very useful
when I'm cycling to work.

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Be safe, be seen, people.

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I've also had mine customised, actually.

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I'm hiring myself out to local bars that
might want my services. Check this out.

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There it is.

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I just stand in the window from
time to time, doing my thing...

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although I learned something earlier.

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I walked here through Soho.
Don't wear this in Soho.

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Got a lot of unwanted attention.

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No, I thought it would be nice to
have an act early on in the show

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where the lights were killed completely,

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to give Mike and Ellie a chance to get
to know each other a little better.

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I feel bad for that just now. I
feel like I've drawn too much
attention to you, and that's not fair.

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I had a word backstage and, apparently,

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the Royal Box is free this evening.

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So, I thought you could get away from
the glare, everyone looking at you.

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You'd be able to go up there and have a lot
more privacy. Would you like a free upgrade?

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- Yeah.
- Yeah?

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Don't thank me, honestly.

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It's the least I could do.

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OK, we're going to take a short
break now, but don't go anywhere.

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We've got Leona Lewis on the
way, Jess Glynne on the way,

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and, if Mike plays his cards right,
somebody else on the way, as well, maybe.

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See you after the break!

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Welcome back to Sunday
Night At The Palladium.

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Now, before the break, we sent up our pair of
love birds, Mike and Ellie, to the Royal Box.

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No less than what Ellie deserves.

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Thank you very much.

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Enjoy.

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OK. So, we've all had
a lovely time so far,

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but now I want to take it down a bit

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and talk about something quite serious.

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Please can we have some
more appropriate lighting?

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Yeah, that's better.

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The landscape of pop music has
been a bleak one so far this year.

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25 March 2015

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will be a day that lives
long in the memory.

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A sad day. A day of mourning.

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A day we, as a nation, were
stirred from our dreams,

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only to realise we had woken
to a living nightmare.

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The day Zayn Javadd
Malik quit One Direction.

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Guys!

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Hashtag life will never be the Zayn again.

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Yet, despite this all-encompassing cloud

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that that day's events cast
across all of our lives,

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small cracks of light have
finally begun to appear.

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One such crack is this next lady...

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No! One such crack of
light is this next lady...

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.. whose soulful voice
and elegant song-writing

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might prove to be just the comfort we need

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to break ourselves from this
bitter cycle of fear and despair.

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Performing her smash-hit
single, Hold My Hand,

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would you please give it up
for the fabulous Jess Glynne?

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♪ Standing in a crowded room
and I can't see your face

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♪ Put your arms around me,
tell me everything's OK

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♪ In my mind, I'm running
round a cold and empty space

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♪ Just put your arms around
me, tell me everything's OK

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♪ Break my bones, but you
won't see me fall, oh

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♪ The rising tide will
rise against them all, oh

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♪ Darling, hold my hand

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♪ Oh, won't you hold my hand?

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♪ Cos I don't wanna
walk on my own any more

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♪ Won't you understand?

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♪ Cos I don't wanna walk alone

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♪ I'm ready for this There's no denying

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♪ I'm ready for this You stop me falling

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♪ I'm ready for this I need you all in

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♪ I'm ready for this,
so darling, hold my hand

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♪ My soul is like a melting
pot when you're not next to me

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♪ Oh-oh-oh

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♪ Tell me that you've got me
and you're never gonna leave

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♪ Oh-oh-oh

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♪ Tryin' to find a moment
where I can find release

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♪ Oh-oh-oh

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♪ Please tell me that you've got
me and you're never gonna leave

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♪ Oh-oh-oh

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♪ Darling, hold my hand

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♪ Oh, won't you hold my hand?

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♪ Cos I don't wanna
walk on my own any more

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♪ Won't you understand?

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♪ Cos I don't wanna walk alone

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♪ I'm ready for this There's no denying

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♪ I'm ready for this You stop me falling

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♪ I'm ready for this I need you all in

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♪ I'm ready for this,
so darling, hold my hand

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♪ When you're next to me

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♪ You can tell I'm not afraid to be

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♪ Cos you don't make me
wait and never let me break

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♪ You never let me fall

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♪ Darling, hold my hand

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♪ Oh, won't you hold my hand?

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♪ Cos I don't wanna
walk on my own any more

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♪ Won't you understand?

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♪ Cos I don't wanna walk alone

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♪ I'm ready for this There's no denying

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♪ I'm ready for this You stop me falling

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♪ I'm ready for this I need you all in

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♪ I'm ready for this, so darling,
won't you hold my hand? ♪

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Thank you.

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Jess Glynne!

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Jess will be joining us
later, with Mick Hucknall,

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and we're going to be doing the
show's first ever live paternity test.

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So, I can't wait for that.

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Now, our next act is only 16 years of age.

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16 years old, and he's
performing on the Palladium stage.

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Wow. Amazing.

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This young comic first became
prominent on Britain's Got Talent.

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Would you please welcome
the brilliant Jack Carroll?

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All right? Cheers.

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Wow.

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This makes a change from school.

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I'd like to begin by saying my
mum calls me her little Superman.

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I was chuffed, till I found out
she meant Christopher Reeve.

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Well, we've started off with that,
so we know where we are now.

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I've been at school this week, and one
thing I've noticed about school is,

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the teachers with the really bad
breath like to get the closest.

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And on the inhale, I'll be thinking,
'What on earth can you be eating,

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to make your breath smell this terrible?'

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And then it dawns on me.
School dinners -- that'll do it.

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No, don't get me wrong.
I like my school dinners,

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cos where else can you eat sponge
and custard at 12 in the afternoon,

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without appearing on a Channel
5 weight-loss documentary?

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When I'm not at school, I like to
watch daytime TV, like Deal Or No Deal.

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The thing about that is, I'd pay 250
grand to put Noel Edmonds in a box.

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Don't clap that!

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He's all right, is Edmonds.

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I've started driving at 16.

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Because you're disabled,
you get to drive at 16.

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So, I was on my driving
assessment the other day,

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and we were at some traffic lights,

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and I set off, and my instructor said, 'No,
don't go yet. There's some cars coming.'

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And I said, 'Oh, yeah. I stand corrected.'

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And he said, 'I know you do --
you're wearing orthopaedic shoes.'

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00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:35,350
Another big thing happened recently.
My family got me a hamster,

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to teach me leadership and responsibility.

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And I was completely responsible
for its tragic and untimely death.

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I also got a couple of mice
recently that I'm a bit sick of,

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so I got a snake.

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Two birds with one stone... which is
ironically how I got rid of the budgies.

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It's weird being in London, cos one of the first
times I came here was for the Pride Of Britain,

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and they sat me on the same table
as Professor Stephen Hawking.

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At one point, I was expecting Craig
Charles to run in and shout, 'Robot Wars!'

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Didn't happen.

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I was on a train the other
day. London to Leeds.

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And about 15 minutes into the journey,
the train-guard fella came up and said,

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'Oh, you're that comedian
fella, aren't you?' 'Yeah.'

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He went, 'Oh, it's
brilliant, what you're doing,

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cos a lot of your lot
-- they don't bother.

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The only other one I've seen
make any effort whatsoever

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00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:51,230
is Dame Tanni Grey-Thompson.

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She bundled up her wheelchair and got
herself into First Class. No bother.'

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And my mum challenged
him on this. She said,

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'Well, maybe a lot of disabled people don't
have the physical capabilities of an Olympian.'

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Now, you may think that's the weirdest thing
that's happened to me on a train. It's not.

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I'm going to leave you with this now.

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I'd just been on the telly, and I'd just
got in off the train, London to Leeds,

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00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:23,310
and people had been coming up for photos
and that, which I'll never get used to.

238
00:20:23,360 --> 00:20:27,150
But a man was staring at me,
about my distance from you, sir.

239
00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:31,400
He wasn't staring at me quite
like that -- I'll be honest.

240
00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:34,030
So, yeah, he was staring at me.

241
00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:37,150
And he took in the frame
and the orthopaedic shoes,

242
00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:39,870
and he still decided to go with...

243
00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:45,120
'Do I know you from somewhere?
Do you do karate with my son?'

244
00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:50,440
Thank you. I've been Jack
Carroll. Good night. God bless.

245
00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:55,100
Jack Carroll, everyone!

246
00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:04,030
OK. So, our next act is a knife-thrower,

247
00:21:04,080 --> 00:21:10,350
and I've been told to say: under no
circumstances should you try this at home...

248
00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:13,140
unless you live with Katie Hopkins.

249
00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:22,310
Ladies and gentlemen, all the way
from America, a champion knife-thrower,

250
00:21:22,360 --> 00:21:24,190
who will leave you truly amazed.

251
00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:27,910
It's Jack Dagger and his
assistant, the Unkillable Jenny.

252
00:21:35,640 --> 00:21:40,110
Hello, guys. Shall we get
directly to the danger?

253
00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:44,070
This is called the Ladder of
Death. Are you guys ready for this?

254
00:22:04,600 --> 00:22:09,110
Next is one of my favourites.
It's called the Flower Cut.

255
00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:11,590
But this time, when you hold this flower,

256
00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:13,830
I want you to hold it
against the target board,

257
00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:17,040
but this time, hold it in your mouth.

258
00:22:17,560 --> 00:22:20,040
All right. Here we go.

259
00:22:33,120 --> 00:22:39,400
Now, our final stunt for you this evening.
I'll throw a few knives around her arm,

260
00:22:39,880 --> 00:22:43,110
and the last knife will
cut through the cucumber,

261
00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:47,280
and, if all goes well, her
arm will remain unharmed.

262
00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:50,510
All right. Here we go.

263
00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:14,080
Thank you.

264
00:23:16,120 --> 00:23:19,350
- Has he stopped throwing them?
- Yes. I've finished.

265
00:23:19,400 --> 00:23:22,800
Hey, that was amazing.
Well done. Jack Dagger.

266
00:23:26,560 --> 00:23:31,390
What happens with all the cucumbers?
Do you whip them up into a lovely salad?

267
00:23:31,440 --> 00:23:33,030
I do, yes!

268
00:23:33,080 --> 00:23:37,550
- I have to ask you: Can anyone
learn to throw a knife? - Absolutely.

269
00:23:37,600 --> 00:23:40,900
If I wanted to get the
'moves like Dagger'...

270
00:23:42,120 --> 00:23:43,630
I'm sorry.

271
00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:47,750
No, don't encourage it! It
was an awful joke. I'm sorry.

272
00:23:47,800 --> 00:23:49,510
But can anyone learn?

273
00:23:49,560 --> 00:23:55,030
Absolutely. Anyone can learn. If you
can throw a ball, you can throw a knife.

274
00:23:57,720 --> 00:24:00,590
Well, let's see. Let's give it a go.

275
00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:05,270
Well, let's skip the knives and go on to the
big guns. You're ready for something special.

276
00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:08,430
- What's something special?
- This.

277
00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:10,470
An axe?

278
00:24:10,520 --> 00:24:12,870
You read my mind!

279
00:24:12,920 --> 00:24:16,630
OK. So, you're going to show
me the technique to throw this.

280
00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:19,750
- Uh-huh. Hold it like
a handshake. - Sorry.

281
00:24:19,800 --> 00:24:22,030
And you're going to reach
high above your head,

282
00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:24,910
and as you rock forward,
roll it out of your fingers.

283
00:24:24,960 --> 00:24:27,360
- Roll it?
- Uh-huh. Well...

284
00:24:27,960 --> 00:24:31,480
This is the only sport where a
limp wrist is actually useful!

285
00:24:31,920 --> 00:24:33,920
I love it!

286
00:24:37,040 --> 00:24:39,840
I look like the campest Viking ever.

287
00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:42,900
'I'm here to pillage your village.'

288
00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:52,800
OK. Sorry. Everyone's getting too
worried. I'm going to turn around now.

289
00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:55,860
Roll it through the target.

290
00:24:56,360 --> 00:25:00,240
- Yes!
- Yeah!

291
00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:11,110
Now, after that wonderful display, we need a
volunteer for the next portion of the show.

292
00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:14,100
- It's me, isn't it?
- It's you. Yeah.

293
00:25:14,280 --> 00:25:17,150
- Do I take off my suit?
- Yeah. There you go.

294
00:25:17,200 --> 00:25:20,030
We now present to you the first target.

295
00:25:20,080 --> 00:25:21,910
Ooooh!

296
00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:26,350
Now, for safety's sake, hold your
fingers way out to your side.

297
00:25:26,400 --> 00:25:28,720
Way out to your side.

298
00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:33,870
When the producers sold this
idea to me, it sounded way safer,

299
00:25:33,920 --> 00:25:36,990
and now I am genuinely regretting this.

300
00:25:37,040 --> 00:25:39,870
Sounds good to me. Left
hand out to your side.

301
00:25:39,920 --> 00:25:43,070
Why do they have to be this close?
These weren't as close for you.

302
00:25:43,120 --> 00:25:48,830
- Are two targets -- dangerous
enough. - Yes! - No!

303
00:25:48,880 --> 00:25:52,310
- Thanks (!)
- We now introduce the third target!

304
00:25:52,360 --> 00:25:54,360
Hooray!

305
00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:58,230
Where does that go? Oh...

306
00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:04,990
All right. Now, we need to blindfold
Jack, for his own safety...

307
00:26:05,040 --> 00:26:09,310
- That's not going to help!
- Yes, it is. OK. Here we go.

308
00:26:09,360 --> 00:26:11,830
- Do I need to stay really still?
- Yeah.

309
00:26:11,880 --> 00:26:14,830
- Yeah, really still.
- That would probably be a good idea!

310
00:26:14,880 --> 00:26:18,080
If I don't make it, please tell
my family that I love them.

311
00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:22,500
Oh, and can someone delete
my Internet history?

312
00:26:33,880 --> 00:26:36,280
Do the other one. Just do it.

313
00:26:40,600 --> 00:26:43,000
- Here we go.
- Let's do it.

314
00:26:45,560 --> 00:26:48,640
Go ahead and take off
your blindfold. You did it!

315
00:26:51,280 --> 00:26:54,840
Thank you. Thank you, Jenny.

316
00:26:55,880 --> 00:26:58,680
I can't believe I actually did that!

317
00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:03,230
I've got a lot of adrenaline right now.

318
00:27:03,280 --> 00:27:06,150
OK. I'm going to go and
change my underwear,

319
00:27:06,200 --> 00:27:09,630
and after the break, Leona Lewis
will perform her new single,

320
00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:12,590
and we've got more comedy
from the hilarious Sara Pascoe.

321
00:27:12,640 --> 00:27:15,640
I'm genuinely quite shaken. See you then.

322
00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:29,190
Welcome back to Sunday
Night At The Palladium.

323
00:27:29,240 --> 00:27:32,710
The producer's just showed me what
happened at the end of the last part!

324
00:27:32,760 --> 00:27:35,700
Thanks, guys (!) You absolute traitors.

325
00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:41,280
I genuinely thought he was throwing knives. I
can't believe you let me make an idiot of myself.

326
00:27:42,560 --> 00:27:45,750
It's such a nice change to chat
to a guy holding a knife in London

327
00:27:45,800 --> 00:27:48,340
and still leave with my iPhone.

328
00:27:49,280 --> 00:27:55,310
Now, since winning the X Factor, Leona
Lewis has sold 20 million records,

329
00:27:55,360 --> 00:27:58,680
just pipping the winner of The
Voice by a mere 20 million.

330
00:28:00,960 --> 00:28:05,070
With an exclusive performance of
her new single, Fire Under My Feet,

331
00:28:05,120 --> 00:28:08,120
give it up for the fantastic Leona Lewis!

332
00:28:13,000 --> 00:28:15,390
♪ I got fire under my feet

333
00:28:15,440 --> 00:28:17,550
♪ And I feel it in my heartbeat

334
00:28:17,600 --> 00:28:20,030
♪ You can't put out these flames

335
00:28:20,080 --> 00:28:22,350
♪ You can't keep me down in my seat

336
00:28:22,400 --> 00:28:24,870
♪ I got fire under my feet

337
00:28:24,920 --> 00:28:27,110
♪ And I feel it in my heartbeat

338
00:28:27,160 --> 00:28:29,590
♪ Get out of the flames

339
00:28:29,640 --> 00:28:31,750
♪ If you can't take the heat

340
00:28:31,800 --> 00:28:32,990
♪ Fire

341
00:28:33,040 --> 00:28:37,520
♪ Oh, oh, oh

342
00:28:37,880 --> 00:28:42,270
♪ Oh, oh, oh

343
00:28:42,320 --> 00:28:46,910
♪ I tripped and I stumbled
Watched my world crumble

344
00:28:46,960 --> 00:28:51,670
♪ Sometimes you eat dirt
You live and you learn

345
00:28:51,720 --> 00:28:56,390
♪ With the lions The tigers and titans

346
00:28:56,440 --> 00:29:00,470
♪ Afraid to get hurt But
now I'm making them purr

347
00:29:00,520 --> 00:29:02,830
♪ I got fire under my feet

348
00:29:02,880 --> 00:29:05,110
♪ And I feel it in my heartbeat

349
00:29:05,160 --> 00:29:07,550
♪ You can't put out these flames

350
00:29:07,600 --> 00:29:09,870
♪ You can't keep me down in my seat

351
00:29:09,920 --> 00:29:14,550
♪ I got fire under my feet
And I feel it in my heartbeat

352
00:29:14,600 --> 00:29:17,150
♪ Get out of the flames

353
00:29:17,200 --> 00:29:19,350
♪ If you can't take the heat

354
00:29:19,400 --> 00:29:20,430
♪ Fire

355
00:29:20,480 --> 00:29:24,150
♪ Oh, oh, oh

356
00:29:24,200 --> 00:29:27,440
- ♪ Fire
- ♪ Fire

357
00:29:29,680 --> 00:29:34,390
♪ Was drowning in quicksand
Nobody grabbed my hand

358
00:29:34,440 --> 00:29:39,110
♪ Thought it'd bury me
Instead, I'm set free

359
00:29:39,160 --> 00:29:43,950
♪ Moving on to bigger things
I begin to spread my wings

360
00:29:44,000 --> 00:29:48,070
♪ No longer in chains I'm
dancing over these flames

361
00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:52,550
♪ I got fire under my feet
And I feel it in my heartbeat

362
00:29:52,600 --> 00:29:57,310
♪ You can't put out these flames
You can't keep me down in my seat

363
00:29:57,360 --> 00:30:01,990
♪ I got fire under my feet And I feel it

364
00:30:02,040 --> 00:30:07,320
- ♪ You can get out of the flames
- ♪ If you can't take the heat

365
00:30:07,960 --> 00:30:12,750
♪ This may not be, not be perfect

366
00:30:12,800 --> 00:30:17,470
♪ But I'm happy and I've earned it

367
00:30:17,520 --> 00:30:21,630
♪ Every tear shed will be worth it

368
00:30:21,680 --> 00:30:25,550
♪ Step by step, ain't
looking back Got no regrets

369
00:30:25,600 --> 00:30:28,350
♪ I got fire under my feet

370
00:30:28,400 --> 00:30:30,590
♪ And I feel it in my heartbeat

371
00:30:30,640 --> 00:30:33,190
♪ You can't put out these flames

372
00:30:33,240 --> 00:30:35,470
- ♪ You can't keep me
down in my seat - ♪ Oooh

373
00:30:35,520 --> 00:30:37,870
♪ I got fire under my feet

374
00:30:37,920 --> 00:30:40,150
♪ And I feel it in my heartbeat

375
00:30:40,200 --> 00:30:44,670
♪ Get out of the flames
If you can't take the heat

376
00:30:44,720 --> 00:30:46,720
♪ Fire

377
00:30:47,200 --> 00:30:49,200
♪ I got fire

378
00:30:49,600 --> 00:30:51,600
♪ I got fire

379
00:30:51,840 --> 00:30:54,270
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah

380
00:30:54,320 --> 00:31:01,680
♪ Fire, fire, fire

381
00:31:03,000 --> 00:31:05,750
♪ Oooh

382
00:31:05,800 --> 00:31:08,470
♪ Oh, oh, oh

383
00:31:08,520 --> 00:31:10,520
♪ Fire

384
00:31:11,480 --> 00:31:14,950
♪ You can't put out these flames ♪

385
00:31:21,680 --> 00:31:24,910
Great stuff! Keep it going
for the brilliant Leona Lewis!

386
00:31:30,000 --> 00:31:33,430
Now, next up: one of
my favourite comedians.

387
00:31:33,480 --> 00:31:37,350
She wows audiences up and down the
country, but luckily, she's here tonight.

388
00:31:37,400 --> 00:31:42,070
Will you please give a warm welcome
to the brilliant Sara Pascoe?

389
00:31:49,520 --> 00:31:52,470
Hello. Thank you so much for having me.

390
00:31:52,520 --> 00:31:56,070
I'm so excited to be at
the Palladium. Thank you.

391
00:31:56,120 --> 00:32:01,190
My name is Sara. My name doesn't have
an H on it. It's spelled S-A-R-A,

392
00:32:01,240 --> 00:32:05,070
so sometimes people think I'm
called Sah-ra, which I hate.

393
00:32:05,120 --> 00:32:09,110
I don't mean that in a derogatory way.
If your name is Sara, I'm sure it's fine,

394
00:32:09,160 --> 00:32:13,390
but to me it just sounds like my
name's gone off, like it's curdled.

395
00:32:13,440 --> 00:32:17,110
But the reason I'm telling you is,
it recently became very useful,

396
00:32:17,160 --> 00:32:19,630
because other comedians are nice people,

397
00:32:19,680 --> 00:32:23,190
but all they do is moan about people
being horrible to them on the Internet,

398
00:32:23,240 --> 00:32:25,670
sending horrible tweets and what have you.

399
00:32:25,720 --> 00:32:30,670
And I always listen, outwardly
sympathetic, but secretly thinking:

400
00:32:30,720 --> 00:32:34,830
No-one is ever mean to me. It
must be because I'm so great.

401
00:32:34,880 --> 00:32:38,510
And then I worked on a TV
programme -- bragging --

402
00:32:38,560 --> 00:32:44,950
and when it came out, I got a tweet from
a lady called Sarah Pascoe, with an H,

403
00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:49,790
and she said, 'Can you warn me the
next time you're on television?

404
00:32:49,840 --> 00:32:53,540
Because I've been getting
a lot of death threats.'

405
00:32:54,160 --> 00:32:58,230
Of course, horrible people don't check how
you spell your name. They just bash it out.

406
00:32:58,280 --> 00:33:03,870
So, I thought I was getting away with it, and
then I saw that she's a nurse, so I felt awful.

407
00:33:03,920 --> 00:33:08,390
That means she does an amazing job, working
long hours, not getting paid what she deserves,

408
00:33:08,440 --> 00:33:12,590
and then goes home and inadvertently
accesses my complaints department.

409
00:33:12,640 --> 00:33:17,070
And I just swan around, having the best job in
the world, working for about ten minutes a day.

410
00:33:17,120 --> 00:33:19,790
It's not fair. I blame the Tories.

411
00:33:21,640 --> 00:33:25,030
Now, this is advice for Ellie and
Mike, having their first date.

412
00:33:25,080 --> 00:33:29,470
I think one of the most dangerous things we're
told, as young people, is the idea of The One.

413
00:33:29,520 --> 00:33:33,070
The idea that one person could
make you happier than any other.

414
00:33:33,120 --> 00:33:36,190
How could that work? Most
people are inherently lovable.

415
00:33:36,240 --> 00:33:40,030
I feel like, if you wait too long,
the right person might pass you by.

416
00:33:40,080 --> 00:33:44,190
It's like when you get on a train and
it's got five minutes left till it leaves.

417
00:33:44,240 --> 00:33:47,390
You get on the first carriage, and
there are some chairs available,

418
00:33:47,440 --> 00:33:51,600
but you think: No. I can
do better than these chairs.

419
00:33:52,640 --> 00:33:56,830
I want a chair that's got a
table and a socket for my phone.

420
00:33:56,880 --> 00:33:59,990
I want a chair that
looks like Ryan Gosling.

421
00:34:00,040 --> 00:34:04,430
And in the second carriage all the good chairs
have gone, cos everyone's had the same idea.

422
00:34:04,480 --> 00:34:06,830
Then the third carriage is even busier,

423
00:34:06,880 --> 00:34:09,990
and you remember the chair
you saw in the first carriage,

424
00:34:10,040 --> 00:34:13,790
but you can't go back -- someone
else will be sitting on him by now.

425
00:34:13,840 --> 00:34:17,630
So you go through to the fourth
carriage, where there's nowhere to sit,

426
00:34:17,680 --> 00:34:21,240
and that's how you end up, in
your 30s, travelling in a toilet.

427
00:34:22,680 --> 00:34:24,910
Young people -- you don't
get told this enough.

428
00:34:24,960 --> 00:34:29,440
Settle. Settle early and
concentrate on your work.

429
00:34:30,840 --> 00:34:33,990
When it comes to relationship
stuff, I blame my parents,

430
00:34:34,040 --> 00:34:36,830
but I think we all should -- it's quicker.

431
00:34:36,880 --> 00:34:40,230
My mum and dad met in a very unusual way.

432
00:34:40,280 --> 00:34:44,430
So, basically, my dad was
in a pop band in the '70s,

433
00:34:44,480 --> 00:34:47,710
and when my mum was 13,
she saw him on television.

434
00:34:47,760 --> 00:34:49,550
Now, she said it was an epiphany.

435
00:34:49,600 --> 00:34:53,750
The second she saw him, she knew that
this was the man she was going to marry.

436
00:34:53,800 --> 00:34:57,910
And then, to ensure that that happened,
she stalked him for four years.

437
00:34:57,960 --> 00:35:03,150
She went to all his concerts and she used to
bunk off school and sleep outside his house.

438
00:35:03,200 --> 00:35:05,310
And, because she's a very tenacious woman,

439
00:35:05,360 --> 00:35:07,670
she waited until he wasn't
in the band any more.

440
00:35:07,720 --> 00:35:10,390
He worked in a shop and he had depression,

441
00:35:10,440 --> 00:35:12,480
and then she swooped.

442
00:35:13,560 --> 00:35:16,790
She waited till he was at his
lowest, had three children with him,

443
00:35:16,840 --> 00:35:18,910
and it ended horrifically.

444
00:35:18,960 --> 00:35:21,310
Who could have seen it coming (?)

445
00:35:21,360 --> 00:35:23,390
I don't have children.

446
00:35:23,440 --> 00:35:25,390
I'm 33 and I've never had a baby.

447
00:35:25,440 --> 00:35:27,510
I have had a tapeworm.

448
00:35:28,240 --> 00:35:29,950
It's not the same.

449
00:35:30,000 --> 00:35:33,910
And the older you get without having children,
the more people talk to you about it.

450
00:35:33,960 --> 00:35:38,070
And I know that comes from a nice place.
My sisters and friends have had children.

451
00:35:38,120 --> 00:35:41,270
They're having a wonderful time and
they don't want me to miss out.

452
00:35:41,320 --> 00:35:45,630
But my problem with that is that the
pleasure they're getting is subjective.

453
00:35:45,680 --> 00:35:47,350
It's personal to them.

454
00:35:47,400 --> 00:35:51,550
I've had my own wonderful,
subjective experiences.

455
00:35:51,600 --> 00:35:53,590
Like, I've been on QI,

456
00:35:53,640 --> 00:35:56,110
yet I've never said to anybody,

457
00:35:56,160 --> 00:35:58,960
'Oh, have you been on QI?

458
00:35:59,640 --> 00:36:02,560
Ah. You should go on QI.

459
00:36:03,320 --> 00:36:08,160
No, I didn't think that I wanted
to be on QI until I was on QI.

460
00:36:08,680 --> 00:36:12,790
Oh, when I saw Stephen Fry's
face for the first time,

461
00:36:12,840 --> 00:36:15,710
I was filled with so much love.

462
00:36:15,760 --> 00:36:20,070
And yes, it's very tiring being on QI.

463
00:36:20,120 --> 00:36:23,950
But it's so worth it, and I wouldn't
want you to leave it too late

464
00:36:24,000 --> 00:36:26,800
and they'll have stopped making it.'

465
00:36:27,440 --> 00:36:30,870
You are a delightful audience.
Thank you so much for having me.

466
00:36:30,920 --> 00:36:33,920
Enjoy the rest of your night. Good night.

467
00:36:35,080 --> 00:36:38,280
Let's hear it for the
fabulous Sara Pascoe!

468
00:36:41,760 --> 00:36:45,830
Now, it wouldn't be Sunday Night At
The Palladium without a little quiz.

469
00:36:45,880 --> 00:36:48,230
- Wooh!
- Yeah!

470
00:36:48,280 --> 00:36:50,510
Hold up your light-up wrist-bands.

471
00:36:50,560 --> 00:36:56,510
Yes. We are going to light them all up and then
eliminate them, until we're left with two people

472
00:36:56,560 --> 00:36:58,550
whose wrist-bands are still lit.

473
00:36:58,600 --> 00:37:01,550
You will be the two people
playing for the star prize.

474
00:37:01,600 --> 00:37:04,560
Ready, steady, eliminate.

475
00:37:10,120 --> 00:37:12,120
Come on.

476
00:37:14,520 --> 00:37:17,920
Oh, we're down to just two!

477
00:37:19,640 --> 00:37:22,110
- Madam, what's your name?
- Nicky.

478
00:37:22,160 --> 00:37:24,910
Nicky, you're playing for the star prize.

479
00:37:24,960 --> 00:37:27,150
- And who was it down here?
- Christine.

480
00:37:27,200 --> 00:37:31,120
Nicky and Christine, you come on
down. A big round of applause.

481
00:37:31,960 --> 00:37:33,670
We'll see you after the break,

482
00:37:33,720 --> 00:37:37,480
when we'll also have a special
finale performance from Simply Red.

483
00:37:50,200 --> 00:37:52,710
Welcome back to Sunday
Night At The Palladium.

484
00:37:52,760 --> 00:37:55,670
It's time to play Star Of The Show.

485
00:38:05,120 --> 00:38:08,350
I'm joined by Nicky and Christine,
who were chosen before the break

486
00:38:08,400 --> 00:38:12,790
and are now ready to play for
tonight's fantastic prize, which is...

487
00:38:12,840 --> 00:38:16,390
a luxury holiday to New York,
courtesy of icelolly.com.

488
00:38:19,200 --> 00:38:21,670
- Hello, Nicky. How are you?
- Fine, thank you.

489
00:38:21,720 --> 00:38:24,270
- Where have you come from today?
- Nottingham.

490
00:38:24,320 --> 00:38:26,950
Yes, we have a fan of Nottingham.

491
00:38:27,000 --> 00:38:31,270
- And if you won this holiday of a lifetime...
Have you been to New York before? - No.

492
00:38:31,320 --> 00:38:35,390
Good. Then it is a holiday of
a lifetime. Who would you take?

493
00:38:35,440 --> 00:38:38,150
- My boyfriend Danny.
- Where is he?

494
00:38:38,200 --> 00:38:42,100
There's Danny up there.
Nicky, ladies and gentlemen.

495
00:38:44,000 --> 00:38:46,870
- Hello, Christine. Where have
you come from? - Hampshire.

496
00:38:46,920 --> 00:38:49,390
- Lovely. Have you
been to New York? - No.

497
00:38:49,440 --> 00:38:52,310
Good. If you won this holiday,
who would you take with you?

498
00:38:52,360 --> 00:38:54,990
- My partner.
- Fantastic. Best of luck.

499
00:38:55,040 --> 00:38:57,840
Best of luck to Christine and Nicky.

500
00:39:00,840 --> 00:39:04,750
Now, you'll each have 30 seconds to
answer as many questions as you can

501
00:39:04,800 --> 00:39:06,950
about the stars of tonight's show.

502
00:39:07,000 --> 00:39:11,590
Whoever answers the most questions
correctly will answer one final question.

503
00:39:11,640 --> 00:39:14,630
Get that question right and
you'll become the star of the show

504
00:39:14,680 --> 00:39:18,190
and walk away with that
fantastic holiday to New York.

505
00:39:18,240 --> 00:39:20,310
Wooooh!

506
00:39:20,360 --> 00:39:22,790
During the break, we tossed a coin.

507
00:39:22,840 --> 00:39:25,070
Nicky, you won and you
decided to play first

508
00:39:25,120 --> 00:39:28,230
and set a star score for
Christine to try and beat.

509
00:39:28,280 --> 00:39:30,110
I can only accept your first answer.

510
00:39:30,160 --> 00:39:32,270
When the klaxon sounds, your time is up.

511
00:39:32,320 --> 00:39:36,390
- Are you ready? - Yeah.
- Your time starts now.

512
00:39:36,440 --> 00:39:38,710
Which talent show did
Jack Carroll find fame on?

513
00:39:38,760 --> 00:39:40,350
- Britain's Got Talent.
- Correct.

514
00:39:40,400 --> 00:39:43,480
Complete the name of Leona's
debut single, Bleeding what?

515
00:39:44,480 --> 00:39:46,190
- Love.
- Correct.

516
00:39:46,240 --> 00:39:49,030
Which of tonight's acts
features a colour in their name?

517
00:39:49,080 --> 00:39:51,030
Jack Carroll. Oh, no.

518
00:39:51,080 --> 00:39:55,070
Incorrect. What was the surname
of tonight's knife-thrower?

519
00:39:55,120 --> 00:39:57,030
- Dagger.
- Correct. Shut up, audience.

520
00:39:57,080 --> 00:40:01,040
Which county is Sara Pascoe from?

521
00:40:01,760 --> 00:40:02,910
Pass.

522
00:40:02,960 --> 00:40:05,350
What was Jess Glynne's song tonight?

523
00:40:05,400 --> 00:40:07,230
Hold My Hand.

524
00:40:07,280 --> 00:40:10,910
We're gonna give her that -- right? Yeah!

525
00:40:10,960 --> 00:40:14,400
Congratulations! You scored four points.

526
00:40:16,240 --> 00:40:19,990
Christine, you have got
to beat a score of four.

527
00:40:20,040 --> 00:40:24,590
- Are you ready? - Yes.
- Your time starts now.

528
00:40:24,640 --> 00:40:27,150
What is the name of
Simply Red's lead singer?

529
00:40:27,200 --> 00:40:28,990
- Mick Hucknall.
- Correct.

530
00:40:29,040 --> 00:40:32,950
There are nine dancers in the Wrecking
Crew Orchestra. How many feet is that?

531
00:40:33,000 --> 00:40:34,790
- 18.
- Correct.

532
00:40:34,840 --> 00:40:37,990
Name the salad ingredient Jack
Dagger sliced through tonight.

533
00:40:38,040 --> 00:40:39,470
- Cucumber.
- Correct.

534
00:40:39,520 --> 00:40:42,310
Which of tonight's
comics is 16 years of age?

535
00:40:42,360 --> 00:40:43,950
- Jack Carroll.
- Correct.

536
00:40:44,000 --> 00:40:47,910
Sara Pascoe has appeared on the
comedy show Live At The what?

537
00:40:47,960 --> 00:40:50,430
- Pass.
- Incorrect.

538
00:40:50,480 --> 00:40:54,550
Rather Be was a number-one hit
for Jess Glynne and Clean who?

539
00:40:54,600 --> 00:40:57,070
Bandit.

540
00:40:57,120 --> 00:41:00,910
We can give it to you!
There was deliberation.

541
00:41:00,960 --> 00:41:06,030
You just got there, so, Nicky, I'm afraid
you will not be playing for the holiday.

542
00:41:06,080 --> 00:41:09,680
I'm very sorry. Commiserations.
Well done, Nicky.

543
00:41:12,040 --> 00:41:14,190
If you'd like to step forward.

544
00:41:14,240 --> 00:41:18,920
I'm going to ask you now the question
that could be taking you to New York.

545
00:41:19,760 --> 00:41:22,070
- Are you ready?
- Yes.

546
00:41:22,120 --> 00:41:25,620
OK. Absolute silence from
the audience, please.

547
00:41:26,160 --> 00:41:28,430
Good luck.

548
00:41:28,480 --> 00:41:34,480
Simply Red are named after Mick Hucknall's
love of which Manchester football team?

549
00:41:36,040 --> 00:41:38,030
Manchester... City?

550
00:41:41,000 --> 00:41:45,640
I'm so sorry. That's the wrong
answer! It's Manchester United.

551
00:41:46,480 --> 00:41:48,480
I'm so sorry.

552
00:41:50,000 --> 00:41:52,910
Don't worry. You still win a poster.

553
00:41:52,960 --> 00:41:55,150
There's a space for your name right there.

554
00:41:55,200 --> 00:41:59,550
New York is so overrated, as
well. Can I just say that?

555
00:41:59,600 --> 00:42:03,880
- Thank you for being a great sport. This
is your wonderful poster. - Thank you.

556
00:42:06,760 --> 00:42:08,760
Commiserations.

557
00:42:13,160 --> 00:42:16,670
The evening is nearly over. The
question on everyone's lips is:

558
00:42:16,720 --> 00:42:19,470
how has the first date gone?

559
00:42:19,520 --> 00:42:21,630
Woooh!

560
00:42:21,680 --> 00:42:25,030
- Has there been good
chemistry? - I think so. - Yeah.

561
00:42:25,080 --> 00:42:27,150
Now, I don't want to
put any pressure on you,

562
00:42:27,200 --> 00:42:31,230
but do you want to commit to
something a little more concrete,

563
00:42:31,280 --> 00:42:34,630
like, for example, a second date?

564
00:42:34,680 --> 00:42:37,550
Or maybe something even more official.

565
00:42:39,840 --> 00:42:44,110
Just in case... We've had
some champagne, Simply Red.

566
00:42:44,160 --> 00:42:47,350
There will never be a
better moment than this.

567
00:42:47,400 --> 00:42:52,110
It's not going to happen, is it? Father
O'Brien, you're going to have to go.

568
00:42:52,160 --> 00:42:55,550
- Take him away.
- Ahhh!

569
00:42:55,600 --> 00:42:59,280
Don't 'ahh' him. Have you got any
idea how much he charges on a Sunday?

570
00:43:01,160 --> 00:43:03,670
Mike, Ellie, you've been amazing sports.

571
00:43:03,720 --> 00:43:07,790
I apologise for ruining your first date. I
have got you a little consolation prize.

572
00:43:07,840 --> 00:43:11,470
I've got you tickets to go and
see Simply Red's Big Love Tour.

573
00:43:11,520 --> 00:43:15,990
Thank you very much. Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for the wonderful Mike and Ellie.

574
00:43:19,520 --> 00:43:24,750
What a great show it's been tonight. You
have been watching Wrecking Crew Orchestra,

575
00:43:24,800 --> 00:43:27,510
Jess Glynne, Jack Carroll,

576
00:43:27,560 --> 00:43:29,870
Jack Dagger and the Unkillable Jenny,

577
00:43:29,920 --> 00:43:32,320
Leona Lewis and Sara Pascoe.

578
00:43:33,760 --> 00:43:38,470
Thanks for watching. Here to play
us out is Simply Red, with Shine on.

579
00:43:38,520 --> 00:43:40,520
Good night!

580
00:43:46,360 --> 00:43:48,840
♪ Ahh ha

581
00:43:57,080 --> 00:44:03,120
♪ Ooh, shiny eyes You've
broken down a wall

582
00:44:05,600 --> 00:44:11,000
♪ Reach for the skies
Now I feel ten feet tall

583
00:44:14,520 --> 00:44:17,560
♪ The sun is shining on us, baby

584
00:44:18,640 --> 00:44:21,880
♪ Let's play the song and we can dance

585
00:44:23,120 --> 00:44:25,880
♪ Our love is shining on us, baby

586
00:44:27,200 --> 00:44:33,510
♪ Let's play the song and we can
dance, dance, dance, dance, dance

587
00:44:33,560 --> 00:44:38,350
♪ Ooh, you make me feel so young

591
00:44:50,720 --> 00:44:55,880
♪ Ooh, shiny eyes, you can have a ball

594
00:45:12,240 --> 00:45:15,560
♪ Let's play the song and we can dance

595
00:45:16,680 --> 00:45:19,480
♪ Our love is shining on us, baby

596
00:45:20,760 --> 00:45:27,150
♪ Let's play the song and we can
dance, dance, dance, dance, dance

598
00:45:32,000 --> 00:45:35,510
♪ Shine on, shine on, shine on

600
00:45:40,200 --> 00:45:44,310
♪ I want you to shine
on, shine on, shine on

601
00:45:44,360 --> 00:45:49,270
♪ Ooh, shiny eyes, we can have a ball

602
00:45:49,320 --> 00:45:52,470
♪ Come on and shine on, shine on

603
00:45:52,520 --> 00:45:57,750
♪ Ooh, shiny eyes, now
I feel ten feet tall