1 00:00:00,298 --> 00:00:02,099 Back in the '80s, the mustache was king. 2 00:00:02,100 --> 00:00:05,151 Nothing said "I'm a man" like a bristly patch of lip hair. 3 00:00:05,152 --> 00:00:06,989 But the manliest mustache of all 4 00:00:06,990 --> 00:00:10,425 was Magnum, P.I. himself, Tom Selleck... 5 00:00:10,426 --> 00:00:12,027 Next to my dad's, that is. 6 00:00:12,028 --> 00:00:14,329 Hoo-hoo! Look at Magnum go! 7 00:00:14,330 --> 00:00:16,732 Such power and grace. 8 00:00:16,733 --> 00:00:19,735 Like a mustachioed gazelle in a Hawaiian shirt. 9 00:00:19,736 --> 00:00:20,936 He got the idea for the 'stache 10 00:00:20,937 --> 00:00:22,938 from his new best friend, Bill Lewis, 11 00:00:22,939 --> 00:00:25,407 and it bonded them like we'd never seen before. 12 00:00:25,408 --> 00:00:28,210 You know, I used to think his was a lip wig, 13 00:00:28,211 --> 00:00:29,578 but he swims with it. 14 00:00:29,579 --> 00:00:30,846 That's the real deal. 15 00:00:30,847 --> 00:00:32,581 You're looking pretty bushy there, too, Mur-man. 16 00:00:32,582 --> 00:00:34,750 Thick and manly yourself, Billy-boy. 17 00:00:34,751 --> 00:00:38,220 As much as my dad loved his new mustache, my mom hated it. 18 00:00:38,221 --> 00:00:39,588 He looks like a criminal 19 00:00:39,589 --> 00:00:42,024 or the tenor in a damn barbershop quartet. 20 00:00:42,025 --> 00:00:43,392 Don't go around saying 21 00:00:43,393 --> 00:00:45,227 your husband's in a barbershop quartet. 22 00:00:45,228 --> 00:00:47,829 That is the lowest form of musical entertainment. 23 00:00:47,831 --> 00:00:49,631 Just use an instrument, damn it. 24 00:00:49,632 --> 00:00:51,500 You know, the only reason he grew that mug rug 25 00:00:51,501 --> 00:00:53,135 is 'cause Bill pushed him into it. 26 00:00:53,136 --> 00:00:55,270 I'm telling you, the guy's a bad influence. 27 00:00:55,271 --> 00:00:58,740 So, it's not the ferkokte mustache you hate, it's Bill. 28 00:00:58,741 --> 00:01:00,509 Stop. I like Bill all right. 29 00:01:00,510 --> 00:01:01,743 Well, except for the way 30 00:01:01,744 --> 00:01:03,879 he dresses, drives, walks, talks, eats, thinks, laughs, 31 00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:07,382 and tilts his stupid bald head to the side when he's confused. 32 00:01:07,383 --> 00:01:09,451 Yep, you could say my mother wasn't the biggest fan 33 00:01:09,452 --> 00:01:13,155 of my dad's bestie, who was hanging around more and more. 34 00:01:13,156 --> 00:01:14,756 Ooh, Charlie's Angels. 35 00:01:14,757 --> 00:01:17,459 Who are they chasing? Where's Bosley? 36 00:01:17,460 --> 00:01:18,961 Why is she on a boat? 37 00:01:18,962 --> 00:01:20,128 Who's she kissing? 38 00:01:20,129 --> 00:01:21,830 Are those pirates? 39 00:01:21,831 --> 00:01:23,432 These are the opening credits, Bill. 40 00:01:23,433 --> 00:01:25,834 And while my mom usually called the shots, 41 00:01:25,835 --> 00:01:28,036 lately, it seemed that Bill was in charge. 42 00:01:28,037 --> 00:01:29,705 A mustache comb! 43 00:01:29,706 --> 00:01:31,206 And all this time, I've been using 44 00:01:31,207 --> 00:01:33,375 a brush with a handle like a jackass. 45 00:01:33,376 --> 00:01:36,178 Give it a whirl, Mur. Take it down to whisker town. 46 00:01:36,179 --> 00:01:39,047 Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you kidding me with this? 47 00:01:39,048 --> 00:01:42,050 We should be talking about shaving, not grooming. 48 00:01:42,051 --> 00:01:45,454 Come on, lady, everyone knows a man's face is his castle. 49 00:01:45,455 --> 00:01:47,055 His castle, you say? 50 00:01:47,056 --> 00:01:49,391 Oh, yeah. And the mustache is the moat of the mouth. 51 00:01:49,392 --> 00:01:50,959 Without it, the fortress falls. 52 00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:52,561 Who knew? I didn't. 53 00:01:52,562 --> 00:01:55,464 In fact, the mustache is named after the Earl of Mustache. 54 00:01:55,465 --> 00:01:56,498 What did he do? 55 00:01:56,499 --> 00:01:57,699 Well, he was from Mustache, France, 56 00:01:57,700 --> 00:01:58,834 and one day he was like, 57 00:01:58,835 --> 00:02:00,869 "I'm gonna grow some hair right here." 58 00:02:00,870 --> 00:02:03,005 You can not argue with history, Bevy. 59 00:02:03,006 --> 00:02:07,809 Honey, please, can you just shave it off for me? 60 00:02:07,810 --> 00:02:09,611 Luckily, my mom could always win 61 00:02:09,612 --> 00:02:11,747 using her creepy 12-blink puppy dog stare... 62 00:02:11,748 --> 00:02:12,714 This is the new me. 63 00:02:12,715 --> 00:02:13,815 ...until now. 64 00:02:13,816 --> 00:02:15,517 Oh, yeah. Getting in all the nooks and crannies. 65 00:02:15,518 --> 00:02:16,385 Fantastic. 66 00:02:16,386 --> 00:02:17,586 - Get it, Mur. - I'm getting it. 67 00:02:17,587 --> 00:02:19,354 - You go on and get it. - Oh, I'm getting it but good. 68 00:02:19,355 --> 00:02:20,755 - Get it, doggy. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 69 00:02:21,257 --> 00:02:22,657 Is barking a mustache thing? 70 00:02:22,659 --> 00:02:24,059 - Oh, yeah. - Go on, doggy. 71 00:02:24,060 --> 00:02:24,993 I'm going! 72 00:02:24,994 --> 00:02:26,361 Oh, yeah. 73 00:02:28,197 --> 00:02:34,202 Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com. 74 00:02:39,709 --> 00:02:42,511 It was October 21, 1980-something, 75 00:02:42,512 --> 00:02:44,746 and my brother was doing what he did best... 76 00:02:44,747 --> 00:02:46,648 being way too cocky. 77 00:02:46,649 --> 00:02:48,817 Uh, you sure this is a good idea, man? 78 00:02:48,818 --> 00:02:50,252 Seems like the ramp points 79 00:02:50,253 --> 00:02:51,586 directly at the side of the van, bro. 80 00:02:51,587 --> 00:02:55,390 Honestly, my concern is I jump too high and too far. 81 00:02:55,391 --> 00:02:57,893 Maybe we should put a mattress back there for safety. 82 00:02:57,894 --> 00:02:58,794 JTP! 83 00:02:58,795 --> 00:02:59,928 JTP. 84 00:02:59,929 --> 00:03:00,829 Oh, cool. 85 00:03:00,830 --> 00:03:02,197 Barry's doing that sweet trick 86 00:03:02,198 --> 00:03:03,665 where he damages his head again. 87 00:03:03,666 --> 00:03:05,334 Well, hello, Lainey. 88 00:03:05,335 --> 00:03:06,768 This is all for you, girl. 89 00:03:06,769 --> 00:03:08,937 Time to put myself in serious danger. 90 00:03:08,938 --> 00:03:10,005 Hot, right? 91 00:03:10,006 --> 00:03:11,273 Barry, I told you a million times, 92 00:03:11,274 --> 00:03:12,874 jumping stuff does not impress me. 93 00:03:12,875 --> 00:03:15,277 For all of my brother's ridiculous over-confidence. 94 00:03:15,278 --> 00:03:17,279 There was one person who could make him crumble 95 00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:20,849 into an insecure mess... his girlfriend, Lainey Lewis. 96 00:03:20,850 --> 00:03:22,184 I'm sorry! I'll never jump stuff again. 97 00:03:22,185 --> 00:03:23,251 See? No more bike. 98 00:03:23,252 --> 00:03:25,153 Okay, so now I'm the lame-ass ball-and-chain 99 00:03:25,154 --> 00:03:26,355 who says no to your passions? 100 00:03:26,356 --> 00:03:28,290 So, you do want me to jump stuff? 101 00:03:28,291 --> 00:03:29,958 I don't care, okay? Just do what you want. 102 00:03:29,959 --> 00:03:31,293 I want you to not be mad at me. 103 00:03:31,294 --> 00:03:32,527 I'm not mad at you. 104 00:03:32,528 --> 00:03:34,729 Well, your face and your words are clearly mad. 105 00:03:34,731 --> 00:03:35,630 Oh, my God. 106 00:03:35,631 --> 00:03:37,265 Tell me in words I understand. 107 00:03:37,266 --> 00:03:38,934 What do I do or feel or think? 108 00:03:38,935 --> 00:03:41,136 I think you need to get a grip. 109 00:03:41,137 --> 00:03:42,137 Better yet, get a girl 110 00:03:42,138 --> 00:03:43,405 that's not miles out of your league. 111 00:03:43,406 --> 00:03:46,475 Hey, Erica! Look what I can do! 112 00:03:48,845 --> 00:03:49,945 Ooh! 113 00:03:49,946 --> 00:03:50,779 Ugh! 114 00:03:50,780 --> 00:03:51,913 Is she looking? 115 00:03:51,914 --> 00:03:53,115 Erica, I did it! 116 00:03:53,116 --> 00:03:54,649 My God. What is Barry's deal? 117 00:03:54,650 --> 00:03:57,152 It's like he gets more needy and insecure every day. 118 00:03:57,153 --> 00:03:58,787 I live with him. It's constant. 119 00:03:58,788 --> 00:04:00,856 God, I wish there was some way to snap him out of it. 120 00:04:00,857 --> 00:04:03,925 Well, if the goal is to show Barry what an idiot he's being, 121 00:04:03,926 --> 00:04:06,094 I do have years of wonderful experience. 122 00:04:06,095 --> 00:04:07,963 So you'd help teach him a lesson? 123 00:04:07,964 --> 00:04:09,030 Unleash me. 124 00:04:09,032 --> 00:04:11,366 I don't know, you look too excited right now. 125 00:04:11,367 --> 00:04:12,701 Excited to help my friend. 126 00:04:12,702 --> 00:04:13,835 Okay, I'm desperate. Let's do it. 127 00:04:13,836 --> 00:04:15,103 Promise you won't be too mean, though. 128 00:04:15,104 --> 00:04:16,972 Promise. 129 00:04:17,940 --> 00:04:20,108 Lainey's in love with another man?! 130 00:04:20,109 --> 00:04:22,177 You're dating a girl way out of your league. 131 00:04:22,178 --> 00:04:23,245 It was bound to happen. 132 00:04:23,246 --> 00:04:24,446 Who is it?! Tell me. 133 00:04:24,447 --> 00:04:26,915 I'll destroy him with my hands and feet. 134 00:04:26,916 --> 00:04:27,749 It's him. 135 00:04:27,750 --> 00:04:28,717 Boy George? 136 00:04:28,718 --> 00:04:30,452 From the glam-pop band Culture Club? 137 00:04:30,453 --> 00:04:32,154 What does he have that I don't have? 138 00:04:32,155 --> 00:04:34,623 He's cute, he's cool, he's stylish... 139 00:04:34,624 --> 00:04:36,057 everything you're not. 140 00:04:36,059 --> 00:04:37,392 Then it's settled. 141 00:04:37,393 --> 00:04:39,194 I'm flying to England and challenging him to a duel. 142 00:04:39,195 --> 00:04:40,929 Maybe I'll even slip him my demo tape. 143 00:04:40,930 --> 00:04:42,531 No, I will not get distracted! 144 00:04:42,532 --> 00:04:43,999 Dude, you're missing the point. 145 00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:47,536 If you can rock this look, you can rock Lainey's heart. 146 00:04:47,537 --> 00:04:49,004 Yes. 147 00:04:49,005 --> 00:04:51,907 I don't have to destroy Boy George. 148 00:04:51,908 --> 00:04:53,575 I can be Boy George. 149 00:04:53,576 --> 00:04:55,443 Or should I say "Barry George"? 150 00:04:55,445 --> 00:04:56,945 You should say "Boy Barry". 151 00:04:56,946 --> 00:04:58,446 Really? Barry George sounds better. 152 00:04:58,448 --> 00:04:59,414 It really doesn't. 153 00:04:59,415 --> 00:05:01,083 Boy Barry it is. Thanks, Erica. 154 00:05:01,084 --> 00:05:02,851 I have no idea how I'll ever pay you back. 155 00:05:02,852 --> 00:05:03,785 Money's fine. 156 00:05:03,786 --> 00:05:04,886 I'll smash my piggy bank. 157 00:05:10,359 --> 00:05:11,359 That'll do. 158 00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:13,895 Mom, you need to vacuum in here. 159 00:05:16,999 --> 00:05:18,200 I know what you're thinking. 160 00:05:18,201 --> 00:05:19,501 And you're right. 161 00:05:19,502 --> 00:05:22,404 I'm Hawaiian super-sleuth Magnum, P.I. 162 00:05:22,405 --> 00:05:24,973 You're right! That's exactly what I was thinking! 163 00:05:24,974 --> 00:05:26,875 My God, Bill, please don't tell me 164 00:05:26,876 --> 00:05:28,410 you blew all your money on this thing. 165 00:05:28,411 --> 00:05:30,345 Oh, God, no. I can't afford this car. 166 00:05:30,346 --> 00:05:32,881 Just taking it out for a very leisurely test ride. 167 00:05:32,882 --> 00:05:33,915 I'm sorry, are you saying 168 00:05:33,916 --> 00:05:35,096 you have no intention of purchasing? 169 00:05:35,097 --> 00:05:36,292 Because you made it sound like you... 170 00:05:36,293 --> 00:05:38,320 Bup-bup! I'm still considering it, Randy. 171 00:05:39,322 --> 00:05:42,057 Oh, Murray, what do you say 172 00:05:42,058 --> 00:05:43,992 we Magnum over to Geno's for cheese steaks? 173 00:05:43,993 --> 00:05:45,427 Oh, no, there's no food allowed in the car. 174 00:05:45,428 --> 00:05:46,495 Uh, and we have to stay within 175 00:05:46,496 --> 00:05:47,662 a two-mile radius of the showroom. 176 00:05:47,663 --> 00:05:49,898 Not now, Randy. Let's Magnum! 177 00:05:49,899 --> 00:05:51,900 No magnuming. Uh, Murray and I have plans tonight. 178 00:05:51,901 --> 00:05:53,135 What plans? 179 00:05:53,136 --> 00:05:55,637 I'm gonna iron while he watches TV in his chair. 180 00:05:55,638 --> 00:05:56,771 It's our thing. 181 00:05:56,772 --> 00:05:59,007 Yeah, I can watch you iron tomorrow night. 182 00:05:59,008 --> 00:06:00,942 This just feels right. 183 00:06:00,943 --> 00:06:03,445 Sweet ride, dude! 184 00:06:03,446 --> 00:06:06,114 But you cannot pull off that outfit. 185 00:06:07,717 --> 00:06:10,585 Your son walks his own path. I get what Lainey sees in him. 186 00:06:10,586 --> 00:06:11,419 I don't. 187 00:06:11,420 --> 00:06:12,754 Hey, Mur, take the wheel. 188 00:06:12,755 --> 00:06:13,555 Yeah! 189 00:06:13,556 --> 00:06:14,523 Randy, hit the bricks. 190 00:06:14,524 --> 00:06:15,790 Uh, okay, I will get fired. 191 00:06:15,791 --> 00:06:17,159 Yeah, just stay here for a while. 192 00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:18,860 My mom was livid. 193 00:06:18,861 --> 00:06:20,562 She couldn't take it out on my dad, 194 00:06:20,563 --> 00:06:22,597 so she took it out on his tighty-whities. 195 00:06:22,598 --> 00:06:25,433 Mustaches, fast cars, Tom Selleck, 196 00:06:25,434 --> 00:06:26,501 and where does it end? 197 00:06:26,502 --> 00:06:28,303 With me, all alone, ironing underpants 198 00:06:28,304 --> 00:06:30,472 like some goblin who lives beneath the streets. 199 00:06:30,473 --> 00:06:32,641 I think you're overstating it, Bev. 200 00:06:32,642 --> 00:06:34,175 Murray finally has a friend. 201 00:06:34,177 --> 00:06:36,978 You can't change that, and you can't change Bill. 202 00:06:38,147 --> 00:06:39,481 You're right. 203 00:06:39,482 --> 00:06:41,049 That's the answer. 204 00:06:41,050 --> 00:06:43,251 I need to change Bill. 205 00:06:43,252 --> 00:06:45,787 I didn't say "change Bill". I said the exact opposite. 206 00:06:45,788 --> 00:06:47,355 Yeah, you don't need to repeat yourself, Dad, 207 00:06:47,356 --> 00:06:48,356 I'll do it. 208 00:06:48,357 --> 00:06:49,524 Do not do it! 209 00:06:49,525 --> 00:06:51,226 Agreed. Doing it. 210 00:06:51,227 --> 00:06:52,527 Do not do it. 211 00:06:52,528 --> 00:06:53,762 Doing it. 212 00:06:53,763 --> 00:06:55,964 I'll change Bill and make him the best best friend 213 00:06:55,965 --> 00:06:57,232 my husband could have. 214 00:06:57,233 --> 00:06:59,367 You're just hearing specific words 215 00:06:59,368 --> 00:07:01,336 to suit your own horrible needs. 216 00:07:01,337 --> 00:07:02,137 Just. 217 00:07:02,138 --> 00:07:03,038 No! 218 00:07:03,039 --> 00:07:04,472 You're the best, Dad. 219 00:07:04,473 --> 00:07:06,975 As my mom was preparing to fix my dad's best friend, 220 00:07:06,976 --> 00:07:09,477 Barry was ready to win Lainey's heart at all costs. 221 00:07:13,716 --> 00:07:16,251 'Sup, football team? 222 00:07:16,252 --> 00:07:18,153 Looking good, band nerds. 223 00:07:18,154 --> 00:07:20,622 I'll tumble for you, Johnny Atkins. 224 00:07:24,026 --> 00:07:26,328 Oh, my God! What did you tell him? 225 00:07:26,329 --> 00:07:28,463 That you're in love with another boy... George. 226 00:07:28,464 --> 00:07:30,265 Hey, Sweet baby girl. 227 00:07:30,266 --> 00:07:32,834 Need a personal escort to class by Barry George? 228 00:07:32,835 --> 00:07:34,369 Damn it! I meant Boy Barry. 229 00:07:34,370 --> 00:07:35,637 Point is, drink me in. 230 00:07:35,638 --> 00:07:36,805 Oh, God! Stop! Don't do that. 231 00:07:36,806 --> 00:07:38,240 What's the matter? You don't like it? 232 00:07:38,241 --> 00:07:41,810 On Boy George. Not on Barry Goldberg from Jenkintown. 233 00:07:41,811 --> 00:07:43,178 You can't pull this off, Dude. 234 00:07:43,179 --> 00:07:45,814 But I cracked my piggy bank and everything. 235 00:07:45,815 --> 00:07:47,449 We were just trying to teach you a lesson. 236 00:07:47,450 --> 00:07:49,184 You've been so needy lately. 237 00:07:49,185 --> 00:07:51,486 So, this was all a lie? You were just messing with me? 238 00:07:51,487 --> 00:07:52,887 How could you do this? 239 00:07:52,888 --> 00:07:54,255 You're my girlfriend. 240 00:07:54,257 --> 00:07:56,758 I mean, do you really want to hurt me? 241 00:07:56,759 --> 00:07:57,926 Oh, my God. It's happening. 242 00:07:57,927 --> 00:08:00,028 Do you really want to make me cry? 243 00:08:00,029 --> 00:08:01,062 He's saying it for real. 244 00:08:01,063 --> 00:08:03,898 I'm sorry you think I'm so insecure. 245 00:08:03,899 --> 00:08:06,001 Trust me, you don't need to worry anymore. 246 00:08:06,002 --> 00:08:07,001 We're done. 247 00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:14,476 Thanks for inviting me over, Bev. 248 00:08:14,477 --> 00:08:16,111 This shrimp parm is delicious. 249 00:08:16,112 --> 00:08:17,879 Anything for Murray's best friend. 250 00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:20,048 Are you saying that I'm his best friend... 251 00:08:20,049 --> 00:08:21,249 Or did he say that? 252 00:08:21,250 --> 00:08:23,918 Tell me exactly what he said, word for word. 253 00:08:23,919 --> 00:08:25,053 No, don't tell me. 254 00:08:25,087 --> 00:08:25,854 Tell me. 255 00:08:25,855 --> 00:08:26,688 No, he said it. 256 00:08:26,689 --> 00:08:27,856 Yahtzee! 257 00:08:27,857 --> 00:08:29,991 Oh, my God. My heart is beating out of my chest. 258 00:08:29,992 --> 00:08:31,760 Yes, it is very exciting. 259 00:08:31,761 --> 00:08:33,461 And now that you two are best bros, 260 00:08:33,462 --> 00:08:35,096 you're not only important to him, 261 00:08:35,097 --> 00:08:36,264 you're important to me... 262 00:08:36,265 --> 00:08:37,465 Thanks, Beverly. 263 00:08:37,466 --> 00:08:38,333 That means a lot. 264 00:08:38,334 --> 00:08:39,567 ...which is why I've decided, 265 00:08:39,568 --> 00:08:40,835 out of the goodness of my heart 266 00:08:40,836 --> 00:08:42,137 and because I'm a decent person 267 00:08:42,138 --> 00:08:45,106 who cares deeply for my husband, to change you. 268 00:08:45,107 --> 00:08:46,274 Wait. Wh-what? 269 00:08:46,275 --> 00:08:48,376 Bill, you don't have a woman in your life 270 00:08:48,377 --> 00:08:50,145 telling you all the things you do 271 00:08:50,146 --> 00:08:51,479 that are wrong and stupid. 272 00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:53,415 I will be that woman. 273 00:08:53,416 --> 00:08:55,617 Actually, I really haven't missed that very much. 274 00:08:55,618 --> 00:08:57,585 Look, I'm not trying to change who you are. 275 00:08:57,586 --> 00:08:58,820 I just want to fix how you 276 00:08:58,821 --> 00:09:00,922 dress, drive, walk, talk, eat, think, and laugh. 277 00:09:00,923 --> 00:09:02,324 That seems like almost all of me. 278 00:09:02,325 --> 00:09:03,825 I don't understand what's happening. 279 00:09:03,826 --> 00:09:05,960 Bup-bup. Don't move, let's start right there. 280 00:09:07,263 --> 00:09:08,530 Huh? 281 00:09:08,531 --> 00:09:10,398 See? No need for the head tilt. 282 00:09:10,399 --> 00:09:12,934 You're not a confused dog. You're a confused man. 283 00:09:12,935 --> 00:09:14,602 Why the heck are you coming down on me so hard? 284 00:09:14,603 --> 00:09:16,704 Murray's mustache? The Hawaiian shirts? 285 00:09:16,706 --> 00:09:18,239 The defiant attitude? 286 00:09:18,240 --> 00:09:20,008 That's not the husband I created. 287 00:09:20,009 --> 00:09:21,276 Oh, I see what's happening here. 288 00:09:21,277 --> 00:09:23,478 You want to change me because I threaten you. 289 00:09:23,479 --> 00:09:25,146 You threaten me? 290 00:09:25,147 --> 00:09:27,081 Oh-ho, please. 291 00:09:27,083 --> 00:09:29,050 You used to call the shots with Murray, 292 00:09:29,051 --> 00:09:31,386 but now you're just passing through Bill country. 293 00:09:31,387 --> 00:09:32,954 We'll see who calls the shots 294 00:09:32,955 --> 00:09:35,056 when I get him to shave off his mustache. 295 00:09:35,057 --> 00:09:37,325 Don't you dare! 296 00:09:37,326 --> 00:09:40,061 He looks powerful and handsome, like a circus strong-man. 297 00:09:40,062 --> 00:09:42,831 Well, I think he looks like he's got [Bleep] on his face. 298 00:09:42,832 --> 00:09:44,332 Murray is an eagle that needs to soar, 299 00:09:44,333 --> 00:09:46,534 but you just want to lasso him back to the nest. 300 00:09:46,535 --> 00:09:48,203 Oh, he soars! 301 00:09:48,204 --> 00:09:49,671 He soars big-time. 302 00:09:49,672 --> 00:09:51,573 And I am the wind beneath his wings. 303 00:09:51,574 --> 00:09:55,109 Oh, no, I am the wind that blows across the ocean, 304 00:09:55,111 --> 00:09:58,213 and Murray is but a leaf on my mighty gust. 305 00:09:58,214 --> 00:09:59,447 You take that back! 306 00:09:59,448 --> 00:10:02,584 Never! There's a new force of nature in Murray's life. 307 00:10:09,125 --> 00:10:11,860 It's me! 308 00:10:11,861 --> 00:10:13,495 Bill had started the mustache war, 309 00:10:13,496 --> 00:10:15,452 but my mom was gonna finish it. 310 00:10:15,790 --> 00:10:16,812 It had been two days 311 00:10:16,813 --> 00:10:19,972 since Lainey embarrassed Barry, and he refused to let it go. 312 00:10:19,973 --> 00:10:21,006 - Hey. - What do you want? 313 00:10:21,007 --> 00:10:22,770 Got you some Grind wax for your BMX. 314 00:10:22,771 --> 00:10:24,580 Thought I could go watch you jump stuff. 315 00:10:24,581 --> 00:10:27,783 Sorry, you don't get to live the highs and lows 316 00:10:27,784 --> 00:10:29,651 that is bicycle motocross through me anymore. 317 00:10:29,652 --> 00:10:30,753 I messed up. 318 00:10:30,754 --> 00:10:33,021 You can't just break up with me. I love you. 319 00:10:33,022 --> 00:10:37,359 Well, if that's how you treat someone you love, count me out. 320 00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:39,695 Don't worry, he'll come crawling back when he realizes 321 00:10:39,696 --> 00:10:41,864 that he'll never get a girl like you ever again. 322 00:10:41,865 --> 00:10:43,332 See, that's the whole problem. 323 00:10:43,333 --> 00:10:44,967 For some reason, Barry is convinced 324 00:10:44,968 --> 00:10:46,068 I am out of his league. 325 00:10:46,069 --> 00:10:49,004 I may have mentioned it once or twice... 326 00:10:49,005 --> 00:10:50,139 A day. 327 00:10:50,140 --> 00:10:52,307 Oh, then you're gonna help me romance your brother 328 00:10:52,308 --> 00:10:53,342 and win him back. 329 00:10:53,343 --> 00:10:54,443 Ew. Never. 330 00:10:54,444 --> 00:10:56,745 Please! There has to be something I can do. 331 00:10:56,746 --> 00:10:57,779 Like Chuck Norris. 332 00:10:57,781 --> 00:10:59,014 Barry loves that dude. 333 00:10:59,015 --> 00:11:00,649 Maybe he can apologize for me. 334 00:11:00,650 --> 00:11:02,451 Chuck seems like an accessible guy, right? 335 00:11:02,452 --> 00:11:03,986 Barry's written to Chuck a few times. 336 00:11:03,987 --> 00:11:05,287 I think that's a dead end. 337 00:11:05,288 --> 00:11:07,689 Maybe I can jump something to impress Barry 338 00:11:07,690 --> 00:11:10,492 or body slam Adam or challenge an animal to a fight. 339 00:11:10,493 --> 00:11:12,528 What's the name of that horse that Barry has a problem with? 340 00:11:12,529 --> 00:11:13,962 If you really want to fix this, 341 00:11:13,963 --> 00:11:15,864 just do a big, embarrassing display that says 342 00:11:15,865 --> 00:11:17,199 "I love you, and I don't care 343 00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:18,767 if I look like an idiot saying it." 344 00:11:18,768 --> 00:11:21,303 If embarrassing myself gets me one more kiss 345 00:11:21,304 --> 00:11:23,972 from his drooly, cheeto-dusted lips, I'm in. 346 00:11:25,041 --> 00:11:28,810 I'm sorry, I ca... I can't be with you right now. 347 00:11:28,812 --> 00:11:30,078 I just can't. 348 00:11:30,079 --> 00:11:32,414 As Lainey plotted a way to show Barry her love, 349 00:11:32,415 --> 00:11:34,550 my mom's plot to win the war of Murray 350 00:11:34,551 --> 00:11:36,184 was in full swing. 351 00:11:39,522 --> 00:11:41,290 Beverly! 352 00:11:41,291 --> 00:11:43,892 Good morning, handsome. 353 00:11:43,893 --> 00:11:46,495 I made your favorite... food. 354 00:11:46,496 --> 00:11:48,831 And here's your newspaper and tushie pillow. 355 00:11:48,832 --> 00:11:51,833 You mowed my Magnum off while I slept. 356 00:11:51,835 --> 00:11:52,935 Who does that? 357 00:11:52,936 --> 00:11:54,470 Funny story. Me. 358 00:11:54,471 --> 00:11:56,772 She lathered your face, shaved you clean, 359 00:11:56,773 --> 00:11:58,307 and you didn't even wake up? 360 00:11:58,308 --> 00:12:00,442 When I go down, I go down hard. 361 00:12:00,443 --> 00:12:02,311 Oh, I get a lot done while he's asleep. 362 00:12:02,312 --> 00:12:05,714 Fingernails, nose hairs, rough elbows, q-tip work. 363 00:12:05,715 --> 00:12:06,848 Soup to nuts. 364 00:12:07,650 --> 00:12:08,917 Wow. 365 00:12:08,918 --> 00:12:10,986 It's so smooth, like a puppy's paw. 366 00:12:10,987 --> 00:12:13,654 Let me get in there, see what all the fuss is about. 367 00:12:13,655 --> 00:12:16,123 I want you to drop by Bill's store on your lunch break 368 00:12:16,125 --> 00:12:17,326 and show him my handiwork. 369 00:12:17,327 --> 00:12:18,827 Will everybody stop touching me?! 370 00:12:18,828 --> 00:12:21,296 Use my name. It's Beverly. Say it. 371 00:12:21,297 --> 00:12:22,798 I know your name! 372 00:12:22,799 --> 00:12:24,233 Is this why you're doing all of this? 373 00:12:24,234 --> 00:12:25,501 Because you hate my best friend? 374 00:12:25,502 --> 00:12:26,635 I don't hate him, hon. 375 00:12:26,636 --> 00:12:29,938 All I did was show that ridiculous ass-for-brains 376 00:12:29,939 --> 00:12:31,106 whose face this is... 377 00:12:31,107 --> 00:12:32,541 mine. 378 00:12:32,542 --> 00:12:34,909 And you will speak of what happened here. 379 00:12:34,910 --> 00:12:37,778 Enough! You, me, and Bill are going to talk this out. 380 00:12:37,780 --> 00:12:39,047 You... want to talk? 381 00:12:39,048 --> 00:12:40,082 Of course not. 382 00:12:40,083 --> 00:12:42,784 But you've forced me into it. 383 00:12:45,355 --> 00:12:47,288 I think he's secretly happy. 384 00:12:47,289 --> 00:12:49,525 While my mom wanted to show Bill she had won, 385 00:12:49,526 --> 00:12:51,827 Lainey was trying to win back Barry. 386 00:12:51,828 --> 00:12:54,196 Hey, big tasty. It's me, McDLT. 387 00:12:54,197 --> 00:12:56,064 I keep the hot side hot and the cool side cool. 388 00:12:56,065 --> 00:12:57,099 I'm not interested. 389 00:12:57,100 --> 00:12:58,567 Maybe this will change your mind. 390 00:12:58,568 --> 00:13:00,602 JTP, kick me a beat. 391 00:13:02,672 --> 00:13:04,506 Let the whole school laugh at me... I don't care. 392 00:13:04,507 --> 00:13:07,175 ♪ I'd do anything for a guy named Barry ♪ 393 00:13:07,176 --> 00:13:09,878 ♪ all the girls want him, but I don't want to share-y ♪ 394 00:13:09,879 --> 00:13:12,014 What followed was the worst, most ill-conceived rap 395 00:13:12,015 --> 00:13:13,815 ever performed in school history. 396 00:13:13,816 --> 00:13:16,752 Unfortunately, Lainey was hot and popular, so this happened. 397 00:13:16,753 --> 00:13:19,821 Hey, Lainey Lewis is rapping. She's awesome. 398 00:13:19,822 --> 00:13:22,124 ♪ Love is a love I'm thinking of ♪ 399 00:13:22,125 --> 00:13:24,526 ♪ love is a love that loves my love ♪ 400 00:13:24,527 --> 00:13:26,728 ♪ love from above fits like a glove ♪ 401 00:13:26,729 --> 00:13:27,863 Like any great performance, 402 00:13:27,864 --> 00:13:28,997 there was something for everyone. 403 00:13:28,998 --> 00:13:30,032 No, she's making fun of 404 00:13:30,033 --> 00:13:32,014 Barry Goldberg's dreams and aspirations. 405 00:13:32,015 --> 00:13:34,336 Hilarious. Give it to him, Lainey! 406 00:13:34,337 --> 00:13:35,904 Well, everyone except Barry, 407 00:13:35,905 --> 00:13:37,906 who was elbowed out of his own apology rap, 408 00:13:37,907 --> 00:13:39,775 which quickly caught on with the crowd. 409 00:13:39,776 --> 00:13:42,110 - ♪ Love is a love that loves my love♪ - Barry, where are you going? 410 00:13:42,111 --> 00:13:43,645 She's showing how much she loves you 411 00:13:43,646 --> 00:13:45,714 by embarrassing herself the way that you would. 412 00:13:45,715 --> 00:13:48,250 She can't even embarrass herself when she tries. 413 00:13:48,251 --> 00:13:51,153 All this proves is what you've always said. 414 00:13:51,154 --> 00:13:53,187 She's out of my league. 415 00:13:53,188 --> 00:13:56,291 While Barry gave up on Lainey, my dad was fighting for Bill. 416 00:13:56,292 --> 00:13:58,994 Okay, you two have forced my hand, 417 00:13:58,995 --> 00:14:01,730 so now we're gonna have to talk... 418 00:14:01,731 --> 00:14:03,465 About feelings. 419 00:14:03,466 --> 00:14:05,267 I'll go first. 420 00:14:05,268 --> 00:14:07,302 I'm feeling mad. 421 00:14:07,303 --> 00:14:08,437 You're mad? 422 00:14:08,438 --> 00:14:10,505 How could you let her take your 'stache, Mur? How? 423 00:14:10,506 --> 00:14:12,808 That's not the only thing I took, big guy. 424 00:14:12,809 --> 00:14:14,943 That's not yours! That's a friendship comb! 425 00:14:14,944 --> 00:14:16,344 It's a spoil of war. 426 00:14:16,346 --> 00:14:18,580 Stop it, both of you. There is no war. 427 00:14:18,581 --> 00:14:21,083 Open your eyes, fool. Look at her just peacocking me. 428 00:14:21,084 --> 00:14:23,619 She thinks she's won, but we're just getting started. 429 00:14:23,620 --> 00:14:24,720 Are we, now? 430 00:14:24,721 --> 00:14:25,821 We are. 431 00:14:25,822 --> 00:14:28,156 Court-side seats to the Sixers, Mur. 432 00:14:28,157 --> 00:14:30,058 You want to stay here and watch "Charlie's Angels" 433 00:14:30,059 --> 00:14:31,526 or go watch Charlie Barkley? 434 00:14:31,527 --> 00:14:33,028 Nobody calls him that. 435 00:14:33,029 --> 00:14:34,262 Someone does... maybe his mama 436 00:14:34,263 --> 00:14:35,998 or a close cousin who's more like a sibling. 437 00:14:35,999 --> 00:14:37,299 All right, enough. 438 00:14:37,300 --> 00:14:39,167 Bevy, you're gonna have to be the bigger person here 439 00:14:39,168 --> 00:14:40,602 and apologize so we can move past this. 440 00:14:40,603 --> 00:14:41,903 Me apologize? For what? 441 00:14:41,904 --> 00:14:43,005 That's right, Bevy. 442 00:14:43,006 --> 00:14:44,873 Looks like your man's on my side. 443 00:14:44,874 --> 00:14:46,074 There are no sides. 444 00:14:46,075 --> 00:14:48,710 I think it's time we settle this once and for all. 445 00:14:48,711 --> 00:14:50,545 It's a simple choice, really. 446 00:14:50,546 --> 00:14:52,147 Her or me? 447 00:14:52,148 --> 00:14:53,215 What? 448 00:14:53,216 --> 00:14:55,450 That's right, woman. You forgot. 449 00:14:55,451 --> 00:15:00,922 I negotiate big tile contracts for a living, and I always win. 450 00:15:02,191 --> 00:15:03,792 Overplayed my hand, huh? 451 00:15:03,793 --> 00:15:05,393 Yeah, you did. 452 00:15:05,395 --> 00:15:06,762 Hey, listen. I got a counteroffer. 453 00:15:06,763 --> 00:15:08,597 How about Tuesday nights and every other weekend? 454 00:15:08,598 --> 00:15:11,366 Yeah, the thing is, she's my wife. 455 00:15:11,367 --> 00:15:12,734 It's... it's... it's over. 456 00:15:12,735 --> 00:15:13,902 Nah, I get it. 457 00:15:13,903 --> 00:15:15,370 Makes sense now with a little distance. 458 00:15:15,371 --> 00:15:16,538 Yeah, we probably should have 459 00:15:16,539 --> 00:15:19,074 discussed the details of your plan beforehand. 460 00:15:19,075 --> 00:15:21,409 Seems that way. 461 00:15:21,411 --> 00:15:22,911 It's for the best. 462 00:15:22,912 --> 00:15:24,279 For you. 463 00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:26,481 You're in charge around here, and I'm good with that. 464 00:15:26,482 --> 00:15:28,950 But I kind of liked having a friend, 465 00:15:28,951 --> 00:15:31,586 and it would have been nice if you liked him, too. 466 00:15:36,729 --> 00:15:37,862 Even though my mom won 467 00:15:37,863 --> 00:15:39,795 the infamous Goldberg mustache war, 468 00:15:39,796 --> 00:15:41,663 my dad was the real casualty. 469 00:15:45,535 --> 00:15:47,102 Who's there? Bill? 470 00:15:47,103 --> 00:15:48,337 Better. 471 00:15:48,338 --> 00:15:51,273 I'm Charlie's most sensible angel, Kate Jackson. 472 00:15:51,274 --> 00:15:54,309 I'm the one who wears pants. 473 00:15:54,310 --> 00:15:55,577 What is this? What's happening? 474 00:15:55,578 --> 00:15:56,712 Glad you asked, Bosley. 475 00:15:56,713 --> 00:15:59,047 I was thinking we could take a little joy ride 476 00:15:59,048 --> 00:16:01,917 in this sporty automobile we have no intention of buying. 477 00:16:01,918 --> 00:16:04,953 But you said we were close. I ran a credit check. 478 00:16:04,954 --> 00:16:06,587 Don't blow the sale, Randy. 479 00:16:06,588 --> 00:16:08,389 Honey, I know Bill was your friend, 480 00:16:08,391 --> 00:16:10,092 but I'm your best friend. 481 00:16:10,093 --> 00:16:12,627 And any fun you had with him, you can have with me. 482 00:16:12,628 --> 00:16:15,430 I'm sorry, Bevy. It's just not the same. 483 00:16:15,431 --> 00:16:17,265 I'm gonna go in and watch TV. 484 00:16:17,266 --> 00:16:19,367 You can come in and iron if you want. 485 00:16:19,369 --> 00:16:20,802 But I bought a wig. 486 00:16:20,803 --> 00:16:23,438 I will no longer be a pawn in your family drama! 487 00:16:24,907 --> 00:16:27,642 While Randy had had enough, 488 00:16:27,643 --> 00:16:31,813 Lainey was finally realizing that it was over with Barry. 489 00:16:32,882 --> 00:16:33,982 I can't believe it's really over. 490 00:16:33,983 --> 00:16:36,017 You really love that big dummy, don't you? 491 00:16:36,018 --> 00:16:38,420 I really do. 492 00:16:38,421 --> 00:16:41,790 And in that moment, my sister decided to do 493 00:16:41,791 --> 00:16:43,859 the last thing she ever wanted to. 494 00:16:43,860 --> 00:16:46,595 Win back my brother's heart. 495 00:16:46,596 --> 00:16:49,030 Put down the Cheetos. Lainey needs you. 496 00:16:49,031 --> 00:16:51,141 Trust me, she doesn't. 497 00:16:51,142 --> 00:16:52,901 She does. 498 00:16:52,902 --> 00:16:56,138 Look, a lot of this is my fault. 499 00:16:56,139 --> 00:16:58,473 I've told you every day that you're not good enough for her. 500 00:16:58,474 --> 00:17:00,542 But you know what? 501 00:17:00,543 --> 00:17:02,144 I was wrong. 502 00:17:02,145 --> 00:17:03,345 She's lucky to have you. 503 00:17:03,346 --> 00:17:05,914 But she embarrassed me in front of the whole school. 504 00:17:05,915 --> 00:17:09,050 And you embarrass her every day by being you. 505 00:17:09,051 --> 00:17:10,685 You're right. 506 00:17:10,686 --> 00:17:14,089 I'm the worst, and she still loves me. 507 00:17:14,090 --> 00:17:16,158 She loves me! 508 00:17:18,928 --> 00:17:21,096 That was an amazing thing you just did, honey. 509 00:17:21,097 --> 00:17:24,499 I guess sometimes two people just need each other 510 00:17:24,500 --> 00:17:26,401 no matter how weird it seems to everyone else. 511 00:17:26,402 --> 00:17:28,904 That night, Erica didn't just open up Barry's eyes. 512 00:17:28,905 --> 00:17:32,173 She made my mom realize how blind she'd been. 513 00:17:36,546 --> 00:17:38,146 Mom, what are you doing? 514 00:17:38,147 --> 00:17:43,552 Not now, poopie. 515 00:17:45,721 --> 00:17:46,855 I'll catch up with you. 516 00:17:46,856 --> 00:17:49,090 Wear a raincoat next time. 517 00:17:51,694 --> 00:17:52,994 Bill, we need to talk. 518 00:17:52,995 --> 00:17:54,029 Who is it? 519 00:17:54,030 --> 00:17:55,230 No one. 520 00:17:55,231 --> 00:17:57,532 I deserve that. 521 00:17:57,533 --> 00:18:00,402 Bill, I am so sorry for everything. 522 00:18:00,403 --> 00:18:02,437 I felt threatened, okay? 523 00:18:02,438 --> 00:18:04,439 I started to think maybe you could give Murray 524 00:18:04,440 --> 00:18:06,007 things that I couldn't, 525 00:18:06,008 --> 00:18:10,445 but I realize that might actually be a good thing. 526 00:18:11,380 --> 00:18:13,682 You know what's a good thing? 527 00:18:13,683 --> 00:18:15,016 This right here. 528 00:18:18,187 --> 00:18:21,156 And, Lainey, Barry loves you so much. 529 00:18:21,157 --> 00:18:23,191 I think he was so afraid of losing you, 530 00:18:23,192 --> 00:18:24,793 he ended up pushing you away. 531 00:18:24,794 --> 00:18:26,962 Lainey! Lainey! 532 00:18:26,963 --> 00:18:27,863 We have to talk. 533 00:18:27,864 --> 00:18:29,264 It's okay. We're okay. 534 00:18:29,265 --> 00:18:30,065 We are? 535 00:18:30,066 --> 00:18:31,399 Yeah. 536 00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:32,828 But I didn't even get to say what I... 537 00:18:32,829 --> 00:18:33,635 Shh. 538 00:18:33,636 --> 00:18:35,804 Mama took care of it. 539 00:18:35,805 --> 00:18:37,572 Are you kidding me?! 540 00:18:37,573 --> 00:18:39,174 I had a beautiful speech planned out. 541 00:18:39,175 --> 00:18:40,842 Cramping. My leg's cramping. 542 00:18:40,843 --> 00:18:41,810 Oh, oh, sit. 543 00:18:41,811 --> 00:18:43,445 You know, now that we're square, 544 00:18:43,446 --> 00:18:45,747 maybe I'll go upstairs and shave the old 'stache. 545 00:18:45,748 --> 00:18:48,650 There's only one thing you need to do right now... 546 00:18:48,651 --> 00:18:49,751 Go to him. 547 00:18:52,188 --> 00:18:55,023 I'm coming, Mur! 548 00:18:55,958 --> 00:18:58,093 Why are we running, too? 549 00:18:58,094 --> 00:19:00,328 I left a lasagna in the oven. 550 00:19:00,329 --> 00:19:01,896 Lasagna! 551 00:19:03,366 --> 00:19:05,567 In life, there are certain relationships 552 00:19:05,568 --> 00:19:08,870 that define who you are... Your first teen crush, 553 00:19:08,871 --> 00:19:11,239 - ♪ lovers never ask you why ♪ - your best friend, your family... 554 00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:14,676 For $5,000, it's the title of a play... 555 00:19:14,677 --> 00:19:16,711 "Death of a salesmat". 556 00:19:16,712 --> 00:19:17,946 Really? 557 00:19:17,947 --> 00:19:19,347 What's a salesmat? 558 00:19:19,348 --> 00:19:22,751 How would I know? I'm not a salesmat salesman. 559 00:19:22,752 --> 00:19:25,153 Aww, so close, baby. 560 00:19:25,154 --> 00:19:26,555 You two are the worst. 561 00:19:26,556 --> 00:19:28,924 These are the relationships that matter the most. 562 00:19:28,925 --> 00:19:30,292 But they're also the hardest, 563 00:19:30,293 --> 00:19:32,127 'cause when you truly love someone, 564 00:19:32,128 --> 00:19:33,828 you sometimes hold on too tight, 565 00:19:33,829 --> 00:19:35,196 afraid that you'll lose them. 566 00:19:35,197 --> 00:19:37,666 Here you go, boys. Bagel bites. 567 00:19:37,667 --> 00:19:39,334 Actually, I think I'm gonna take off. 568 00:19:39,335 --> 00:19:41,436 Got somewhere to be. 569 00:19:42,771 --> 00:19:44,606 - Later, Bill. - Yep. 570 00:19:44,607 --> 00:19:46,241 But the truth is, 571 00:19:46,242 --> 00:19:48,143 when you give the people you love most 572 00:19:48,144 --> 00:19:49,477 just a little space, 573 00:19:49,478 --> 00:19:52,147 you'll find the place they really want to be 574 00:19:52,148 --> 00:19:54,808 is right at your side. 575 00:20:01,057 --> 00:20:03,658 Oh, Adam, please. 576 00:20:07,129 --> 00:20:10,865 You know, you have to start getting dressed, okay? 577 00:20:10,866 --> 00:20:12,499 Please turn that off. 578 00:20:14,384 --> 00:20:15,618 Out of the way, nerd. 579 00:20:15,619 --> 00:20:17,420 Hey, I-I-I was just looking through the mail. 580 00:20:17,421 --> 00:20:19,789 Actually, there's something here for you. 581 00:20:19,790 --> 00:20:21,357 "Master Barry Goldberg?" 582 00:20:21,358 --> 00:20:24,260 From C. Norris? Hollywood, California? 583 00:20:24,261 --> 00:20:26,395 Dude, Chuck Norris wrote me back! 584 00:20:31,802 --> 00:20:35,137 "Dear Barry, sorry it took me so long to write back, 585 00:20:35,138 --> 00:20:37,940 but thanks for the nice words and for being a fan. 586 00:20:37,941 --> 00:20:39,442 I have given a great deal of thought 587 00:20:39,443 --> 00:20:40,643 to what I'm about to tell you." 588 00:20:40,644 --> 00:20:41,711 - What's he saying? - Shut up! 589 00:20:41,712 --> 00:20:43,713 "Herein lies my most precious secret 590 00:20:43,714 --> 00:20:46,282 to being a true martial arts warrior. 591 00:20:46,283 --> 00:20:48,251 If you have a brother, obey him. 592 00:20:48,252 --> 00:20:50,920 He has a power you do not yet understand. 593 00:20:50,921 --> 00:20:52,555 Godspeed, douche-nozzle. 594 00:20:52,556 --> 00:20:54,757 Sincerely, Chuck Norris." 595 00:20:54,758 --> 00:20:57,727 So, what's it say, douche-nozzle? 596 00:20:57,728 --> 00:20:59,953 It says I should kick your ass. 597 00:21:00,184 --> 00:21:03,203 Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.