Good morning, cubicle monkeys.
Here are the invitations for the Welltopia banquet.
Now, due to this frivolous expenditure,
I'm afraid we're gonna have to go back to low-speed Internet.
Anybody has a problem with that, they can e-mail me.
Or if you want quicker results, you can write an e-mail,
print it up, and walk it over to my office.
Low-speed Internet?
Pat, we do tons of charting online.
You are not the only one affected by this.
I mean, it's gonna take me forever
to download my por...
Excuse me.
My pornography.
Welltopia banquet?
Yeah, it is turnt up!
Open bar, but with alcohol and taco,
and the best doctor/performer in The Valley doing his things.
Ken gets up on stage and makes fun of people.
It's called satire, Damona.
Yeah, Damona.
He holds a mirror up
to the daily foibles of the medical profession.
Okay, do near-sighted guy giving a urine sample.
He can't even see the cup!
Hey. Where are the kids?
Dave's upstairs. Molly's not home.
Really? Just us?
Bring it, yeah.
Wait.
What's with your mouth? What do you got planned there?
You'll see.
Congrats on still having a spark and everything, but yuck.
Okay, get this.
I have to write an essay on what I want my career to be.
I'm about the journey, not the destination.
Look, it's a school assignment.
You got to do it.
Yeah, everything in life
involves things you don't want to do.
Thank you.
- Like in work. - Yes.
- Or in marriage. - What?
But I'm 16.
I don't know what my calling's gonna be.
Speaking of calling, oh, it's your homework assignment.
Uh-huh.
It says, "you complete me."
You are so not funny.
Yes, he is.
Your dad might be the funniest
primary care physician in The Valley.
You heard your mom. Funniest person in the world.
And if you're a fan of my comedy... and I know I am...
you're gonna love me at this banquet.
Ooh, fancy.
"This year's guest of honor is
Welltopia's new head of plastic surgery, Kevin O'Connell."
- Oh. - "Oh" what?
No, it's just I think this is the Kevin O'Connell
I dated in med school.
Oh, yeah!
You told me about him. Kevin O'Irish.
Kevin O'Pasty Face.
"Oi, Allison, you're a fine lass.
I'd like to take you down to the cathedral
and buy you some cockles."
What?
No, it's nothing.
Oh, you're feeling weird
about seeing Kevin McPale, aren't you?
Yeah, I kind of am.
Oh, come on, it'll be fine.
And I'm sure he'll be cool with it, too,
as long as you keep him away
from the whiskey and women's skirts.
You know, 'cause Irish guys wear those plaid skirts.
Or maybe it's the Scottish.
Don't' worry, I'll be warmed up by showtime.
Oh, here's my invitation to the banquet
in case you want to take someone.
Whoa, you're not going?
No. Big parties make me nervous.
I am not good at schmozing.
Okay, well, you better get good at it.
You want to specialize in internal medicine, right?
Yes. I'm all about what's on the inside...
yep, don't need the back story.
Listen, I'm trying to help you out here.
Your career will never go anywhere
unless you learn how to network.
Okay, fine, I'll go.
Why are you looking out for me like this?
Black guilt.
Dr. Park, I have a patient with hypertension...
Ah-da-da. In the middle of something.
So, after the urine sample bit,
you know, I think I should go right into
the Christopher Walk-in clinic.
"Yeah, you don't need
an... Appointment."
Uncanny.
Oh, my god.
People, act like you've been there.
I have never been there.
Can I help you?
Oh, yeah, I'm looking for Pat Hein.
- And you are? - Dr. Kevin O'Connell.
Oh, my god!
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You're Kevin O'Connell?
I am.
Oh. Funny story.
I-I heard about this other Dr. Kevin O'Connell,
but he's Irish.
Well, I was adopted by Irish parents.
Yeah, but this guy went to Cornell Med School.
Oh, I went to Cornell.
Yeah, but this guy dated my wife.
Allison Kurumada.
No way! Alli?!
Oh, she's awesome. How's she doing?
She's good.
Because remember, she was just saying
that this is the happiest she's been in her entire life.
That's great.
Excuse me.
She dated him and wound up with you?
How does that poor woman get out of bed in the morning?
I wouldn't know, Damona. I get up earlier.
I'm more of a morning person.
Mnh-mnh-mnh.
Dr. Kevin O'Connell,
I'm Dr. Julie Dobbs, and I am a huge fan.
Oh, cool, thanks.
You've heard of him before?
No.
So, um, I was wondering
if you know anything about hypertension.
- I have this patient... - Well... well, Julie,
I'm your attending and your mentor.
You should be asking me.
I did, but you were busy
botching an imitation of Christopher Walken.
It's an impression.
Uh, besides, Dr. O'Connell is a plastic surgeon,
so unless your patient wants giant fake boobs,
I think I can handle it.
He's right.
I'd probably give the dude breasts.
Self-deprecation is so attractive.
You don't have to tell me. I'm all about self-deprecating.
Sometimes it's attractive.
Give him the max dosage of captopril, 100 milligrams.
If I may, I just saw a study.
The max dosage of captopril is now 450 milligrams.
Oh.
450? Where'd you read that, the Botox Herald?
Uh, the New England Journal of Medicine.
Oh, the... the 450 study.
Yeah. Um, yeah, yeah, yeah. I read that one.
Really?
Because usually when studies come,
you do that thing where you throw them in the trash
and say, "I already got the job."
You know, I read this one in bed,
and I was not impressed.
So, I rolled over and vigorously made love to my wife,
who was awake.
Right on. Well, I'm gonna go find Pat.
Just down the hall to the left. I love you.
Third door on the right.
I don't know why I just did that.
Sure this is okay?
Oh, yeah, she'll be thrilled to see you.
Hey, Allison.
An old friend of yours was at Welltopia today.
Barb Rutledge?!
No! Why do you always guess Barb Rutledge?
I don't know. I do bump into her a lot.
- Remember at Quiznos... - Just get in here!
Oh, my god. Kevin?
Alli?
You look great. How have you been?
I've been great.
Oh!
Who's the beefcake?
This is Kevin O'Connell, an old friend of your mom's.
Kevin, this is, uh, Molly and Dave.
Wait, this is the guy you dated in medical school?
Mom, mad respect.
Wait, so he could've been our dad?
It doesn't work that way.
If he was your dad, you wouldn't be you.
Cute kid.
Yeah, cute, not hot.
Anyway Kevin is in town for the banquet,
so I invited him over for dinner.
Oh, that's so sweet.
I Ne to see you in the Ken.
No, I need to see you in the kitchen.
Wow.
No, no, no. You don't get to say wow.
I'm saying wow. Wow.
Why the hell would you bring him here?
Because I'm petty and dramatic.
And I wanted to see the look on your face
when you got caught in a big fat lie,
and it did not disappoint.
Why didn't you ever tell me what this guy looked like?
I don't know! You never asked.
I'm supposed to ask if a guy named Kevin O'Connell
happens to be the hottest Korean guy in the world?
I didn't tell you because of this.
I knew how you'd react, and it wasn't worth it.
Oh, oh. I'm not upset about him.
I'm upset about the lie.
You're also upset about him.
Of course I'm upset about him!
He's Korean Channing Tatum!
Come on, I'm sure you have an ex
who's more attractive than you let on.
No! I didn't!
I lie to make myself better.
Remember Karen, the cute girl I dated in college?
I totally made her up.
But you said she dumped you.
I wanted to make it believable.
Look, I admit I was wrong not to tell you about Kevin,
but it was 20 years ago, Ken.
You need to put on your big-boy pants and act like a grown-up.
This is not the time
to mock my slight frame and delicate features.
Molly was just telling me how she wants to be a doctor.
You never said you wanted to be a doctor.
That was before. Kevin inspired me.
He's a real role model.
Dad, look.
Kevin helped me finish the DNA model
I asked you to help me with,
and you said, "not now, son. We'll do it later."
And two years went by.
Kevin, this is so embarrassing,
but we're gonna have to take a rain check on dinner.
What?
Oh, no. I hope everything's okay.
Oh, yeah, it's just my friend, Barb Rutledge.
We're throwing her an intervention.
It's paint fumes.
And pot.
She's been huffing...
And puffing.
We're worried she might blow her house down.
Anyway, we're really sorry.
Uh, it's all good.
You know, gives me a chance to hit the gym, grab a workout.
Yeah, that's clearly what you need.
Catch you guys at the banquet tomorrow?
Good seeing you again, Alli.
Why is "comedy" in quotes?
Yeah, that's what everyone's looking at.
Hey, you two look great.
I feel great
for someone who's been lied to for the past 20 years.
Glad you found a tux that fit a big, fat baby.
Okay, your small talk leaves something to be desired.
Hi. Ooh!
Wow.
I told you I'm terrible at networking.
It's okay, I got you.
Um, okay, don't look now.
11:00... it's the chief of internal medicine.
Great. I will be back in three hours.
What? No.
The blond by the bar.
Talk to him.
God, okay.
Here I go.
Need four gin and tonics for table six.
Hi. I'm Dr. Julie Dobbs.
Austin. Can I get you something?
Oh, that's so nice of you. No, I'm fine.
Augh.
Um... So, uh, what do you like to do when you're not at work?
Um, I play bass in a garage band.
I like to snowboard.
Oh! Me too.
- Really? - No.
Okay, I'm really not good at this whole thing.
I just... Austin, I just wanted to say
that I would love to work for you one day.
- Really? - Yeah.
And if you let me, you would see
that no one works as hard or wants it more than I do.
Word.
Thank you so much.
No big. Peace.
Peace.
How did it go?
Really well.
For the first time,
I feel like I took a big step forward in my career, you know?
Aww. See?
Aww.
So good.
Come. Sit.
Oh, there they are.
Oh, Alli, how'd it go with your friend Barb?
Oh, she's fine.
She's... In the army now.
Oh, cool.
Uh, Ken, man, I am pumped to see your skits tonight.
Yeah, thanks, buddy.
Will you excuse me?
He just referred to what I do as "skits."
Oh, my god, what a gorgeous idiot.
They're not skits.
They're biting satirical commentary.
He just crossed the line.
Wait, that crossed a line?
Not that he upstaged you at work or pleasured your wife.
Who said he pleasured her?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I'm sure that must've been a pretty grim slog.
Welcome, everyone. Uh, just a quick announcement.
Seems we've all gone a little scan happy
with the new MRI machine.
Remember, that's very expensive to operate,
so when it comes to diagnosing patients,
let's not discount the value of good old-fashioned guesswork.
Now, if you could all feign interest
in a brief video tribute
to this year's honoree, Dr. Kevin O'Connell.
It just happens. It just...
What are you doing?
All of the old stuff is out.
Tonight is operation shred Kevin O'Connell,
which is my way of saying I'm gonna shred Kevin O'Connell.
Now help me think of his flaws.
Oh, this is good.
Do you happen to know if he's punctual?
Because, you know, if not, that can be mildly annoying.
Oh, who am I kidding?
No one would mind waiting five minutes for that.
Whose side are you on?
Yours, always.
Did he say something about wanting me on his side?
I can't stand that guy!
He's not even a real doctor. He's just a plastic surgeon.
His whole world is just nips and noses, lips and butts.
My work isn't about restoring appearance.
It's about restoring dignity.
After the earthquake,
Dr. O'Connell rushed to Haiti to help the children.
When a child sees a reflection
and the physical scars are healing,
well, maybe then
the emotional ones can begin to heal, as well.
You notice how he's always rubbing his shoulder?
Dude, you're ripped. We get it.
"Oh, look at me, I have discernible shoulders.
When I put on a backpack, it doesn't just slide off."
Wait, is that why you never wear a backpack?
That and if it's too heavy, I fall backwards, okay?
But I can work with this. He's shoulder proud.
Nobody likes that.
"Shoulder... Proud."
As Dr. O'Connell ran out of the crumbling building,
carrying the two children to safety,
the roof collapsed, shattering his shoulder.
But not the puppy cradled beneath it.
You know, shoulders can be replaced.
Lives can't.
Wow.
Okay, hot crowd. Hot crowd!
- Whoo! - Go, go, go.
Yeah.
Wow, there really is just nothing there.
Okay.
Wow, that is some inspiring stuff.
Oh, I just... I would not want to have to follow that.
Up next, the comedy styling of Dr. Ken Park.
Whoo!
So, let's get into it.
How about our honoree, Dr. Snip and Tuck?
Oh!
Hey, nothing annoying about how he rubs his shoulder so much.
We get it, Kev, you go to the gym.
I guess he needs those strong shoulders
to haul those giant bags of boob juice
into everyone's chest.
Boob juice?
Um...
Okay, who likes impressions?
Me too.
Um, uh, this is my impression
of one of Dr. O'Connell's patients at a funeral.
"I so sad."
Oh, because their skin is so tight
that all they can do is...
I got some others. Um...
Uh, I mean, there are pimps out there
who haven't cut as many faces as that guy, am I right?
Come on.
That guy's raised more eyebrows
than an interracial couple in 1957!
Uh, you know, it's okay to laugh, everyone.
I don't mind. Laughter is the best medicine.
Of course he's prescribing laughter.
Tomorrow, he'll charge you 5 grand
to blast your own ass fat into those laugh lines.
Hey, do Mr. T-cell!
Aw, it's kind of dated.
I pity the fool who don't respect my immune system!
If your urine tastes like lemonade concentrate,
you might be a diabetic.
That's all my time. See you next year!
Thanks.
For what?
Well, I was dying up there.
Even though you were pissed at me, you laughed anyway.
Bailed me out.
I wasn't bailing you out. You were funny.
Look, I know I was a jerk about Kevin.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, you really outdid yourself.
I couldn't help it.
Just thinking about you with that guy
made me feel like
the lonely, insecure doctor I was when we met.
Well, I get that.
I guess sometimes I was jealous of Karen.
You know, before I found out she wasn't real.
Ken, he has nothing on you.
I mean, he is charming.
Yeah, I don't see it.
And attractive.
It's a very specific look.
But there was no spark.
Dating a guy like Kevin
made me realize I didn't want someone perfect.
I wanted you.
Oh, babe, that is so close to being a compliment.
Besides, I could never end up with someone like him.
He's kind of pretentious.
Kind of?
"Look at me, I save lives and can wear a backpack."
"Look at me, I restore dignity and can do a million sit-ups."
"Look at me,
I suffer from an embarrassing sexual dysfunction."
No?
- Here's your dessert. - Wuw !
- And an application. - What?
Get it in quick, you can work a Bar Mitzvah this Sunday.
Oh, Julie, you're such an idiot.
Hey, cut that out.
At least you put yourself out there.
You shouldn't be upset. You should be celebrating.
You're right. Thanks, Damona.
Uh, waiter, two glasses of champagne for me and my friend.
Excuse me?
I'm the chief of thoracic surgery.
Okay.
Yeah, maybe you should fill this out.
Yeah.
I'm sorry to bug you guys.
I've had a little too much to drink,
and my judgment's kind of impaired.
Can one of you guys give me a ride home?
- I'll do it! - I got it!
No, no, no, no! I got it!
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