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APPLAUSE

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Good evening, good evening,

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good evening, good evening
and welcome to QI,

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where this week we're under
doctor's orders

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as we dissect
a medley of maladies.

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Joining me in the waiting room with

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a 1984 edition of The People's
Friend, we have Dr No, Lucy Porter!

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APPLAUSE

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Dr Strangelove, Matt Lucas.

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APPLAUSE

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Dr Zhivago, Ross Noble.

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APPLAUSE

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And Dr Snuggles, Alan Davies.

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APPLAUSE

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So buzzers, please, nurse.

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Lucy goes...

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DOCTOR ZHIVAGO THEME

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For the ignorant nonsenses
amongst you,

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that was Dr Zhivago's theme music.

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Matt goes...

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DR FINLAY'S CASEBOOK THEME

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For those under 80,
that was Dr Finlay's Casebook.

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Ross Noble, he goes...

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DOCTOR WHO THEME

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No, I don't know what that was.
LAUGHTER

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And Alan goes...

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# Oh, doctor, I'm in trouble

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♪ Well, goodness, gracious me. ♪

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- Oh, more of that. - Yeah, goodness,
gracious me, there you are.

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So, come in, lie down,
pop your feet in the stirrups

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and let's see what the trouble is.

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LAUGHTER

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What did Typhoid Mary die of?

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Oh, don't start.

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LAUGHTER

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DOCTOR WHO THEME
Yes, Ross?

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Was it lack of circulation
to her toe?

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LAUGHTER

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Yes, it is a possibility.

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Is it typhoid?

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KLAXON
Oh, no!

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Her name, as the label around that
toe said, was Mary Mallon.

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And she was known as Typhoid Mary.

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What did she die of?
It wasn't typhoid. Erm...

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Why am I interrupting you?
I don't even know.

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LAUGHTER

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That's QI!

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- There was nothing wrong with her.
- Car crash.

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Boredom, she died of boredom,
waiting to get typhoid...

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- That's what I was going to say.
- ..and never getting it.

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She had typhoid.

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But she never had symptoms?

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Yes! Thank you.
Thank you, Lucy Porter.

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You're welcome, Stephen Fry!

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Typhoid Mary,
round about the turn of the century,

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was a cook in New York.
An Irish immigrant.

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- As the name would suggest. - Yep.

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And she had typhoid,
but no symptoms. She wasn't ill.

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She was immune to it,
to all intents and purposes.

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But she was able to give it
to others. And she did.

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30, 40, 50 people, possibly.

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Must be freezing in that ward,
with all that snow.

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LAUGHTER

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It's taken his mind off the fact
that he's being

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attacked by an octopus.

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LAUGHTER

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Something with trailing legs.

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LUCY: They're all lying there saying,

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"Sorry, what did you
say your name was? What Mary?

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"Glad to be sharing a ward
with you."

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The sad thing is that she was not
a nice person by any

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- way of looking at it. - All right,
Stephen, she's dead, come on.

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LAUGHTER

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The thing is,
she worked in households as a cook,

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and people would die of typhoid
in the household where she cooked.

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And she would mysteriously leave
and take up a job in another one.

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- So she knew that she was a carrier.
- Oh, she was a carrier?

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Because she was put into quarantine.

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And then she could go free as long as
she never worked in service again,

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didn't cook. Within weeks,
she got another job as a cook.

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And she tried to hide
from the authorities.

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So she ended up, the last two decades
of her life, in quarantine.

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She died of pneumonia, in fact.

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How did she pass it on? Saliva?
Fluids, body fluids.

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Because she... Yes, she had typhoid.

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- She went...
- EXHALES

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Yeah.
LAUGHTER

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- She actually coughed. - She didn't have
to wee in the soup or anything?

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Until her name has become
synonymous...
LAUGHTER

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Now, what's the most deadly thing you
can find in a doctor's waiting room?

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And you can look at that picture...
A copy of the Daily Telegraph.

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LAUGHTER

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ROSS: I'm guessing, looking at that
example, is it the tiny baby bear

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which has crawled out from inside
that plant there?

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Is it going to be that lethal water
carrier thing in the corner?

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Hang on, right next to a lamp?
Water, next to electricity?

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- LAUGHTER
- That's a health and safety
- nightmare!

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"These people are seconds from
death, why?"

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LAUGHTER

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- You've got a fire engine there,
you'll be fine. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

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LAUGHTER

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On an electrical fire?!
Are you mad?!

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LAUGHTER

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Come on!

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LUCY: Does she take the pen and stab
everyone in the waiting room?

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That WOULD be dangerous.
Actually, Ross got it straight away.

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- Shut your face. - It's the bear.
- I knew it was the bear!

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Aha! The murderer is in this
very room!

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LAUGHTER

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You can't trust bears,
bears are shifty.

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LAUGHTER

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- Can I say, that isn't actually
a bear. - It looks like a bear.

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If it were a bear,

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it would be far and away the most
dangerous thing in the room.

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I say to you, prove it.

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It's a soft, cuddly toy.

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- Covered in germs!
It's a carrier of diseases. - Yes.

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It's Bear Mary.

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LAUGHTER

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- Bear's Bear, yes. - Typhoid Bear.
- LUCY: Typhoid Beary, yeah.

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Typhoid Bearer!
Do you see what she did there!

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Typhoid Bearer, eh!

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Because a bear can't...

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A bear
can't shit in the woods...

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LAUGHTER

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I don't know if I can really say
this, it sounds odd,

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but the bear can't be wiped down.

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You've tried!

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LAUGHTER

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Well, it CAN obviously be
wiped down...

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You've wiped a lot of bears down,
come on, Stephen!

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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- You can chuck it in the machine,
can't you? Your teddy bear? - I do.

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- Yeah. - You can do what?
- Chuck it in the machine.

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- On a hot wash, on a boil. - You can.

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There is something very eerie

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when you put kids'
toys in the machine and wash them

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- and you just see their little faces
pressed against the glass. - Aw!

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LAUGHTER

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- Because you say to the kids,
you next!
- LAUGHTER

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Children sit there,
watching them going round and round.

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Now we know why it's called
Winnie the Pooh.

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Hey! You're right!

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His real name is
Winnie the Filthy Shit.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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Thank you, thank you very much.

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13.5% of hard toys in GP's
waiting rooms...

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Don't google that, whatever you do!

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LAUGHTER

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Don't google hard toys,
don't google wiping down bears...

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LAUGHTER

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It's a nightmare.

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Certainly not
Winnie the Filthy Shit.

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LAUGHTER

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She's a lovely girl, but she should
never have started that website.

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Not while you're eating, anyway.

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A shocking 90% of soft toys
had serious,

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moderate to heavy bacterial
contamination.

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That's what I want
to leave you with.

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LAUGHTER

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Why do you think that the magazines
in doctor's waiting rooms

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are so dull, so uninteresting?

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- Because people steal the good ones,
presumably? - Is the right answer!

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APPLAUSE

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Very good!

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- It's as simple as that. - Yeah? - Yeah.

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Then I'm not the only one then,
that is good.

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LAUGHTER

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I would never buy Now or Chat,
but if it's there...

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Nobody steals New Statesman
or The Economist.

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You might be able to...

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Where do we stand on the gentleman's
literature in the booths

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at a place of fluid deposits?

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LAUGHTER

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- Sperm banks? - That's the word
I'm looking for, yes.

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Are they taken away?

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What I'm saying is,
when they provide the, ah-hem-hem,

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where does that stand in the,
you know?

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On the filth scale, what are we...?

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Because I have only done that once.

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And there wasn't literature.

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Strictly speaking, it wasn't
a sperm bank, but...

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LAUGHTER

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Hang on, hang on, no.
No, it was a regular doctor's...

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It was a sperm building society.

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LAUGHTER

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It was a regular...? What?!

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You went
to the doctor's for a wank?

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LAUGHTER

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No, no.

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What happened was, I used to live
right out in the bush,

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right out in the countryside.

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- Miles away. - Good!

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LAUGHTER

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- And I needed to do the...
- Were you on a register?

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LAUGHTER

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I am now.
But we lived too far away...

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By the time you've done
the deposit in the beaker...

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- Your sperm have died.
- Exactly! By the time you drove in.

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So my wife said, "Hey, why don't
we just go to the regular doctor's,

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- "and you nip into the..." - Oh...

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And the only thing that was
in there was,

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you know on a ladies' sanitary bag,

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00:10:00,940 --> 00:10:04,580
they have a picture of
a woman in Victorian costume?

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00:10:04,580 --> 00:10:06,580
LAUGHTER

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00:10:06,580 --> 00:10:09,700
There are very few things
that I'm happy to admit in public,

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00:10:09,700 --> 00:10:12,860
but I can't look at Mary Poppins
in the same way now.

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00:10:12,860 --> 00:10:15,980
LAUGHTER

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00:10:15,980 --> 00:10:19,340
- I, fully, to the, with the...
- You didn't do it in the bag?

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00:10:19,340 --> 00:10:21,580
LAUGHTER

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00:10:21,580 --> 00:10:24,220
So what I'm saying is,
what I'm saying is,

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when a gentleman goes to a sperm
bank and they provide you with...

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No gentleman goes to a
sperm bank, sir.

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LAUGHTER

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00:10:32,540 --> 00:10:34,900
They provide you with a copy of
Smash Hits,

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00:10:34,900 --> 00:10:36,420
the One Direction special.

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00:10:36,420 --> 00:10:39,980
LAUGHTER

220
00:10:39,980 --> 00:10:41,900
- Yes. - Or whatever.

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00:10:41,900 --> 00:10:45,620
I believe that's
why Harry Styles' hair goes like...

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LAUGHTER

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00:10:47,540 --> 00:10:48,980
Something About Harry!

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APPLAUSE

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So there we are.

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00:10:57,220 --> 00:11:00,060
The most dangerous thing
in a waiting room is a cuddly toy.

227
00:11:00,060 --> 00:11:02,340
Which bits of your bodies
could you do without?

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00:11:02,340 --> 00:11:05,500
I'm going to give you
an example of a human body.

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00:11:05,500 --> 00:11:09,380
So that you can possibly...
That's for you two.

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Kidney, you can lose
a kidney, can't you?

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That is one of the most macabre
bobble heads I've ever seen.

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LAUGHTER

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00:11:18,980 --> 00:11:21,220
Whoohoo!

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00:11:21,220 --> 00:11:24,180
LUCY: Should
we take out the bits we think...?

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Yeah, take out a bit that you
think we can do without.

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You're taking out the entire
intestines?

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LAUGHTER

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There goes the liver.

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There goes one lung. And another.

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Don't know what that is,
but it's going.

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Ulgh!

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00:11:41,620 --> 00:11:43,820
LAUGHTER

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00:11:43,820 --> 00:11:47,100
You got that right,
that's one dead human.

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00:11:47,100 --> 00:11:48,460
Are you offering me a lung?

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00:11:48,460 --> 00:11:49,940
Half a brain?

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00:11:49,940 --> 00:11:52,540
No, I was just
trying to make a pork pie.

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LAUGHTER

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Fine! Fine.

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There it is!

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00:12:01,500 --> 00:12:05,180
- If you're... A kidney. - A kidney.
That's what I was looking for.

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00:12:05,180 --> 00:12:06,700
LAUGHTER

252
00:12:06,700 --> 00:12:09,460
It's not good surgical practice
to get rid of everything else

253
00:12:09,460 --> 00:12:12,660
- between you and the kidney.
- I couldn't get to the kidney.

254
00:12:12,660 --> 00:12:16,580
Now I can't get it back
together again. Nurse!

255
00:12:16,580 --> 00:12:21,780
I'm going to say if you're a man,
you don't... Do you need a nipple?

256
00:12:21,780 --> 00:12:24,100
It's a very good question,
why men have nipples.

257
00:12:24,100 --> 00:12:26,260
Well, because they look hot
when they're pierced,

258
00:12:26,260 --> 00:12:28,100
but apart from that...

259
00:12:28,100 --> 00:12:29,980
I don't know why else
you would need one.

260
00:12:29,980 --> 00:12:33,460
The fact is there are lots
of bits you can do without.

261
00:12:33,460 --> 00:12:36,940
- Tonsils, obviously, you knew that.
- Appendix. You have those out.

262
00:12:36,940 --> 00:12:39,340
Appendix, you knew that.
What else have you come across?

263
00:12:39,340 --> 00:12:42,260
- You've given me a kidney, which is
good. - I can't get it back together.

264
00:12:42,260 --> 00:12:44,820
Gall bladder, you could give me.
Sinuses.

265
00:12:44,820 --> 00:12:49,180
- Head. - Sinuses?
- You don't need a face. Testes.

266
00:12:49,180 --> 00:12:51,540
I mean, obviously
we like having testes.

267
00:12:51,540 --> 00:12:53,380
Mine hasn't got any testes.

268
00:12:53,380 --> 00:12:56,700
- You won't die if they're taken away.
Uterus. - Uterus, ovaries, all that.

269
00:12:56,700 --> 00:13:00,940
You can lose those.
Basically, all you need is a neck.

270
00:13:00,940 --> 00:13:03,460
Half your brain can go.
In fact, there is an operation -

271
00:13:03,460 --> 00:13:06,500
- a hemispherectomy. You've done
very well with that. - Thanks.

272
00:13:06,500 --> 00:13:08,060
LAUGHTER

273
00:13:08,060 --> 00:13:09,860
APPLAUSE

274
00:13:14,620 --> 00:13:18,460
- If you remove... - Oh, hang on.
Hair. What about hair? - Yes.

275
00:13:18,460 --> 00:13:20,260
What do you reckon, Matt?

276
00:13:20,260 --> 00:13:21,740
APPLAUSE

277
00:13:26,420 --> 00:13:29,940
Well, I don't know why
you're asking me.

278
00:13:29,940 --> 00:13:34,300
- What happens if I were to remove
four fifths of your liver? - Yeah.

279
00:13:34,300 --> 00:13:37,300
- It would grow back. - Yes.
That's the thing about livers.

280
00:13:37,300 --> 00:13:40,820
- They do, they regenerate.
You get that back. - Teeth, obviously.

281
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:43,620
Bladders can also be regrown,
amazingly.

282
00:13:43,620 --> 00:13:46,020
The bones in your leg,
fibula and tibia.

283
00:13:46,020 --> 00:13:47,420
The fibula isn't load-bearing,

284
00:13:47,420 --> 00:13:49,700
so you could lose that
and still be able to walk.

285
00:13:49,700 --> 00:13:51,300
Really? I'll have that out.

286
00:13:52,580 --> 00:13:54,060
I'm going to do it.

287
00:13:54,060 --> 00:13:58,580
Can you name one of the most
famous people on earth who has gone

288
00:13:58,580 --> 00:14:01,620
without a lung
since he was a teenager?

289
00:14:01,620 --> 00:14:03,380
He, it's a he.

290
00:14:03,380 --> 00:14:05,740
Justin Bieber.

291
00:14:05,740 --> 00:14:09,820
- Possibly more famous than Justin
Bieber. - Barack Obama. No, I can't.

292
00:14:09,820 --> 00:14:13,460
Hang on a minute. More famous
than Justin Bieber. Harry Styles.

293
00:14:15,020 --> 00:14:17,140
Argentinian.

294
00:14:17,140 --> 00:14:19,740
I don't know foreign people.
What's all this about?

295
00:14:19,740 --> 00:14:21,740
There's only one truly famous
Argentinian.

296
00:14:21,740 --> 00:14:25,380
- I don't know! - LUCY: Pele.
- I don't watch that show.

297
00:14:25,380 --> 00:14:27,660
Diego Maradona
is the only one I know.

298
00:14:27,660 --> 00:14:29,700
No, the Pope!

299
00:14:29,700 --> 00:14:31,940
LUCY: Oh, yes! He is quite famous.

300
00:14:31,940 --> 00:14:33,780
Pope Francis, There he is.

301
00:14:33,780 --> 00:14:37,460
- Oh, yes. - He's gone happily
without a lung for a long time.

302
00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:39,540
So what happened
when they were picking him

303
00:14:39,540 --> 00:14:43,500
and all that smoke's coming out the
top...? Oh, I bet he was wheezing.

304
00:14:43,500 --> 00:14:46,060
"Yeah, you're the Pope!"

305
00:14:46,060 --> 00:14:50,060
"Oh, my lung. Oh, my lung.
My lung's playing up, mate."

306
00:14:50,060 --> 00:14:51,820
Was he born with one lung?

307
00:14:51,820 --> 00:14:55,500
No, as a teenager
he had one removed. So, good.

308
00:14:55,500 --> 00:14:59,100
Can you pop your bodies away? Did I
just say that? Put your bodies away.

309
00:14:59,100 --> 00:15:02,180
- We just reacted as if that
was normal. - There's a kidney.

310
00:15:02,180 --> 00:15:07,180
OK, who might be having sex
on your face right now?

311
00:15:10,260 --> 00:15:13,300
Kim and Kanye?

312
00:15:13,300 --> 00:15:15,620
- In your dreams. - They love it.

313
00:15:15,620 --> 00:15:19,980
Who is having sex
on your face right now?

314
00:15:19,980 --> 00:15:23,060
Bacteria. It's usually bacteria
so go with me on this one.

315
00:15:23,060 --> 00:15:24,420
LUCY: Mites.

316
00:15:24,420 --> 00:15:30,420
- You said mites, mites was the right
answer. Mites. - Mites. - MITE be.

317
00:15:30,420 --> 00:15:32,180
LAUGHTER

318
00:15:32,180 --> 00:15:33,700
Let's consider this.

319
00:15:34,860 --> 00:15:37,500
There are mites that
live on the human face.

320
00:15:37,500 --> 00:15:39,340
AUDIENCE GROAN

321
00:15:39,340 --> 00:15:41,700
- They unfortunately...
- They're disgusted already.

322
00:15:41,700 --> 00:15:43,380
Don't go any further.

323
00:15:43,380 --> 00:15:47,220
Only 14% of them are visible to the
human eye, most of them are not.

324
00:15:47,220 --> 00:15:50,820
14%?! Visible?!

325
00:15:50,820 --> 00:15:56,020
"I like your moustache,"
and then it starts curling up...

326
00:15:56,020 --> 00:15:57,780
Not that visible.

327
00:15:57,780 --> 00:16:01,180
They're very, very small.

328
00:16:01,180 --> 00:16:05,580
- They have no anuses.
- Oh, thank God for that!

329
00:16:05,580 --> 00:16:07,020
No.

330
00:16:07,020 --> 00:16:09,660
I don't mind the intercourse,
it shitting I can't stand.

331
00:16:09,660 --> 00:16:12,060
APPLAUSE

332
00:16:13,380 --> 00:16:17,300
Unfortunately, Alan, unfortunately
the fact they have no anuses

333
00:16:17,300 --> 00:16:19,220
means that when they die,

334
00:16:19,220 --> 00:16:23,220
a whole lifetime's waste
is deposited on your face.

335
00:16:24,420 --> 00:16:30,220
- That's what happens.
- Is this 14% waste you can see? - No.

336
00:16:30,220 --> 00:16:33,420
- But what percentage...? - That's
a lovely tan you've got there.

337
00:16:33,420 --> 00:16:35,060
LAUGHTER

338
00:16:36,460 --> 00:16:37,900
APPLAUSE

339
00:16:39,540 --> 00:16:41,820
You may be right.

340
00:16:41,820 --> 00:16:47,020
But what percentage, using tracking
that waste voided at the death

341
00:16:47,020 --> 00:16:50,820
of the mite on account of its
having no anus, what percentage

342
00:16:50,820 --> 00:16:55,300
of human beings has been calculated
to have mites on their face?

343
00:16:55,300 --> 00:16:58,540
- Oh, I know this. - Yes?
- But I'm not going to tell you.

344
00:16:58,540 --> 00:17:02,860
I'll guess at either 12 or 86.

345
00:17:04,700 --> 00:17:07,620
- Any other thoughts?
- 0.1 of a percent. - High.

346
00:17:07,620 --> 00:17:14,540
The answer is 100%. We all have
these mites on our faces. All of us.

347
00:17:17,300 --> 00:17:21,820
And you can't wash them out. They
are perfectly happy to have water...

348
00:17:21,820 --> 00:17:23,900
Her Majesty the Queen?

349
00:17:23,900 --> 00:17:26,380
- Her Majesty the Queen...
- Royal mites.

350
00:17:26,380 --> 00:17:30,660
..has anusless mites wandering
about willy-nilly on her face?

351
00:17:30,660 --> 00:17:36,940
- Ja wohl! German mites! - Unbelievable.
Her Royal Highness?!

352
00:17:36,940 --> 00:17:38,860
Hard to believe, isn't it?

353
00:17:38,860 --> 00:17:42,060
But there it is, we all have mites
on our face but there are also,

354
00:17:42,060 --> 00:17:43,540
some people believe, two thirds,

355
00:17:43,540 --> 00:17:49,660
and other scientists believe 98%
of us have eyebrow mites. Although...

356
00:17:49,660 --> 00:17:54,460
one of us here won't
have eyebrow mites.

357
00:17:54,460 --> 00:17:57,380
Matt might not have eyebrows.

358
00:17:57,380 --> 00:18:01,380
- So he doesn't. So he doesn't.
- I don't got no eyebrows cos...

359
00:18:02,420 --> 00:18:04,500
Mum says it's cos I'm special.

360
00:18:06,660 --> 00:18:09,140
You are special. I am. You are.

361
00:18:09,140 --> 00:18:12,180
I lost my hair when I was six.
Was it traumatic?

362
00:18:12,180 --> 00:18:14,260
Did you bang your head or something?

363
00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:17,580
Well, you know, cos Duncan Goodhew
fell out of a tree. Yeah.

364
00:18:17,580 --> 00:18:19,460
Well, it was my head he landed on.

365
00:18:23,260 --> 00:18:27,820
I think it's an overactive immune
system, that something happened

366
00:18:27,820 --> 00:18:32,220
and then something inside me said,
"Right, we don't need no hair."

367
00:18:32,220 --> 00:18:34,620
It treated your hair
as a foreign invader.

368
00:18:34,620 --> 00:18:37,900
Yeah, maybe it was just a warm day
and we didn't have the window open.

369
00:18:37,900 --> 00:18:39,180
I don't know.

370
00:18:39,180 --> 00:18:41,140
Maybe you're just
a super-evolved human,

371
00:18:41,140 --> 00:18:43,340
cos we don't really need hair.

372
00:18:43,340 --> 00:18:45,140
No, we do. This country's cold.

373
00:18:45,140 --> 00:18:47,460
LAUGHTER

374
00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:52,060
We do. We do.
I suffer. I do suffer.

375
00:18:52,060 --> 00:18:57,460
Now, which of your organs most
resembles an elephant's trunk?

376
00:18:57,460 --> 00:18:59,620
LAUGHTER

377
00:18:59,620 --> 00:19:01,740
Come on.

378
00:19:01,740 --> 00:19:06,220
- Who wants it? Alan, Ross, me?
Who wants it? - Go on. You. Go on.

379
00:19:06,220 --> 00:19:09,700
I'm just trying to think of
the most humorous way to phrase it.

380
00:19:10,980 --> 00:19:14,660
- Yeah, well, no, it's not. It is not
penis. It isn't the penis. - Isn't it?

381
00:19:14,660 --> 00:19:18,940
- Can your penis do that? - It may...

382
00:19:18,940 --> 00:19:23,820
Maybe it's a dangling,
pendulous appendage, your penis,

383
00:19:23,820 --> 00:19:28,940
and so is a trunk, but really,
truly resembling in structure.

384
00:19:28,940 --> 00:19:32,820
That not one there, is it,
down at the bottom?

385
00:19:32,820 --> 00:19:35,060
He's got tusks down there.

386
00:19:36,700 --> 00:19:38,540
Stephen, move out the way.

387
00:19:38,540 --> 00:19:41,820
- Yeah, no, the elephant can... - Oh!

388
00:19:44,060 --> 00:19:45,140
Good God.

389
00:19:45,140 --> 00:19:49,460
Yes, all right.
All right. Very amusing.

390
00:19:49,460 --> 00:19:52,260
There's an animal that
has organs of generation.

391
00:19:52,260 --> 00:19:54,260
Let's laugh at that for a long time.

392
00:19:55,820 --> 00:19:57,540
Yeah, but it is quite funny.

393
00:19:57,540 --> 00:19:59,540
LAUGHTER

394
00:19:59,540 --> 00:20:01,420
ALAN SNIGGERING

395
00:20:02,700 --> 00:20:07,060
What is it about the trunk? We have
an organ that is like the trunk.

396
00:20:07,060 --> 00:20:09,820
Is it the prehensility?
Is that a word?

397
00:20:09,820 --> 00:20:13,900
African elephants have... The end
have almost like lips which can

398
00:20:13,900 --> 00:20:17,580
pick up a blade of grass.
Prehensile kind of little bits there.

399
00:20:17,580 --> 00:20:21,580
But that's... The actual tongue
itself is interesting, it's a muscle.

400
00:20:21,580 --> 00:20:23,620
- ROSS: Hang on.
- I mean, the lips.

401
00:20:23,620 --> 00:20:26,820
- LUCY: Have you given us the answer?
- The tongue.

402
00:20:26,820 --> 00:20:30,460
Our tongue is the same.
Our tongue is also a muscle.

403
00:20:30,460 --> 00:20:32,660
It's a muscular hydrostat.

404
00:20:32,660 --> 00:20:35,060
The reason the trunk
can take on any shape is

405
00:20:35,060 --> 00:20:38,380
because it's all muscle
and mostly, therefore, water,

406
00:20:38,380 --> 00:20:41,460
which you wouldn't think of
a muscle but it's true.

407
00:20:41,460 --> 00:20:44,860
And water can't be compressed, of
course. Liquids cannot be compressed.

408
00:20:44,860 --> 00:20:48,980
It can. I've had a Capri Sun
and they've got that packet.

409
00:20:48,980 --> 00:20:51,500
You can put them under pressure,
but they will burst out.

410
00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:54,100
So that means like,
you can pull a muscle,

411
00:20:54,100 --> 00:20:57,380
so does that mean that sometimes
an elephant will be flicking away

412
00:20:57,380 --> 00:21:02,220
and it'll go, "Oh, God! Oh!
I've got a cramp up my trunk."?

413
00:21:02,220 --> 00:21:05,060
- It's a horrible thought.
- And they have to rub a bit of...

414
00:21:05,060 --> 00:21:08,220
You have to go some to pull a muscle
in your tongue though, don't you?

415
00:21:08,220 --> 00:21:09,620
While on the subject of muscles,

416
00:21:09,620 --> 00:21:14,340
which of us here
has the strongest muscle?

417
00:21:14,340 --> 00:21:17,580
ROSS: Well, it's bound to be
the lady, isn't it?

418
00:21:17,580 --> 00:21:20,580
- LUCY: I don't look like that.
- For the birthing.

419
00:21:20,580 --> 00:21:23,340
- Yes, so which muscle would it be?
- Pelvic floor?

420
00:21:23,340 --> 00:21:27,060
They're always going on about
the pelvic floor.

421
00:21:27,060 --> 00:21:30,460
- It's the uterus.
- Oh, the uterus. - It's a muscle.

422
00:21:30,460 --> 00:21:33,020
And of all the muscles
in the human body,

423
00:21:33,020 --> 00:21:36,340
it exerts the most pressure,
pound for pound.

424
00:21:36,340 --> 00:21:40,940
The amount of force it exerts
is equivalent to a longbow.

425
00:21:40,940 --> 00:21:42,740
So if you imagine... Good God.

426
00:21:42,740 --> 00:21:45,620
Pray God, I'm looking
under the desk going,

427
00:21:45,620 --> 00:21:48,220
"Don't have a longbow
under there, please."

428
00:21:48,220 --> 00:21:50,420
ROSS: Is that why when
my wife went into labour,

429
00:21:50,420 --> 00:21:52,180
she put an apple on my head?

430
00:21:55,540 --> 00:21:59,940
Well, the jaw can exert pressure
which is extremely high -

431
00:21:59,940 --> 00:22:03,900
500 lbs per square inch,
roughly, which is enormous.

432
00:22:03,900 --> 00:22:08,140
The gluteus maximus is the largest
muscle, the buttock muscle.

433
00:22:08,140 --> 00:22:11,260
But it is the uterus
that wins the prize.

434
00:22:11,260 --> 00:22:15,700
Now, you mentioned the gluteus
maximus, the arse muscles there.

435
00:22:15,700 --> 00:22:17,860
This is a true thing, right?

436
00:22:17,860 --> 00:22:23,660
It is physically impossible for
the human buttocks to break an egg.

437
00:22:23,660 --> 00:22:25,500
LAUGHTER

438
00:22:25,500 --> 00:22:27,340
That's true.

439
00:22:27,340 --> 00:22:31,420
That is absolutely 100% true
and I've tried it.

440
00:22:31,420 --> 00:22:34,700
And the beautiful thing...

441
00:22:34,700 --> 00:22:38,020
- You mean you put it in the crack,
in the cleavage? - As much as you want.

442
00:22:38,020 --> 00:22:41,100
He's not allowed to work
in kitchens any more.

443
00:22:41,100 --> 00:22:44,020
But he keeps going back
like Typhoid Mary.

444
00:22:45,580 --> 00:22:48,260
If you put the egg between
the buttocks

445
00:22:48,260 --> 00:22:50,380
then it doesn't matter
how hard you squeeze,

446
00:22:50,380 --> 00:22:52,100
impossible to crack the egg.

447
00:22:52,100 --> 00:22:54,100
Now, here's the thing.
I know that to be true,

448
00:22:54,100 --> 00:22:56,700
but there might be people
watching this who question that.

449
00:22:56,700 --> 00:23:01,020
- I like to think, all over
the country... - People are now...

450
00:23:01,020 --> 00:23:05,700
- introducing eggs into the area.
- Is Noble lying or not?

451
00:23:05,700 --> 00:23:09,180
I mean, if you've got somebody
lying there, you put an egg there,

452
00:23:09,180 --> 00:23:11,300
if someone else is there
to go like that...

453
00:23:11,300 --> 00:23:15,780
Then that's not the muscle doing it.
OK, yeah. That's the point.

454
00:23:15,780 --> 00:23:21,740
Can you by a twitch,
a pulling in? I'm doing it now.

455
00:23:21,740 --> 00:23:26,500
The worry would be... Oh, that
Cadbury's Creme Egg is gone.

456
00:23:26,500 --> 00:23:29,980
That's the worry. That's
probably melting rather than...

457
00:23:29,980 --> 00:23:33,500
I think the worry is that you do it,
the egg could go right up.

458
00:23:33,500 --> 00:23:36,020
- That's a worry? - That's interesting...

459
00:23:36,020 --> 00:23:37,660
LAUGHTER

460
00:23:37,660 --> 00:23:39,100
APPLAUSE

461
00:23:44,180 --> 00:23:48,540
So, yes, your tongue
is a muscular hydrostat,

462
00:23:48,540 --> 00:23:50,420
like an elephant's trunk.

463
00:23:50,420 --> 00:23:52,860
Who has the best teeth in the world?

464
00:23:52,860 --> 00:23:55,340
I really like this question.
The Bee Gees.

465
00:23:55,340 --> 00:23:58,300
- The Bee Gees, they had good teeth.
- ROSS: John Bishop.

466
00:23:58,300 --> 00:24:00,300
I'm looking for a nation.

467
00:24:00,300 --> 00:24:02,500
- Americans. - A people.
KLAXON

468
00:24:02,500 --> 00:24:05,860
- Did you say Americans?
- No, I didn't say it.

469
00:24:05,860 --> 00:24:07,340
Is it Scandin...?

470
00:24:07,340 --> 00:24:09,300
- It must be the Scandinavians.
- No. - Oh, no...

471
00:24:09,300 --> 00:24:11,540
- The English. - Yes!

472
00:24:11,540 --> 00:24:15,220
- The British! - Yes! - The British
have the best teeth in the world.

473
00:24:15,220 --> 00:24:16,660
CHEERING

474
00:24:16,660 --> 00:24:19,140
APPLAUSE
It's true.

475
00:24:19,140 --> 00:24:21,940
- According to... - We win again!

476
00:24:21,940 --> 00:24:23,740
According to the OECD,

477
00:24:23,740 --> 00:24:27,140
the Organisation of Economic
Cooperation and Development,

478
00:24:27,140 --> 00:24:29,260
- the international body...
- Well remembered.

479
00:24:29,260 --> 00:24:31,820
..they looked at all
the different nations of the Earth

480
00:24:31,820 --> 00:24:35,460
and they found that, according
to fillings and decay and so on,

481
00:24:35,460 --> 00:24:40,180
that British children had
the best teeth on planet Earth.

482
00:24:40,180 --> 00:24:43,780
Did they just go to one particular
school in the Nottingham?

483
00:24:43,780 --> 00:24:47,580
I don't think so. They said that's
cos we've got less fillings.

484
00:24:47,580 --> 00:24:50,660
Maybe it cos we don't go
to the dentist at all?

485
00:24:50,660 --> 00:24:53,220
Fewer fillings.
Fewer fillings.

486
00:24:53,220 --> 00:24:54,660
AUDIENCE: Oh!

487
00:24:56,020 --> 00:24:57,780
Knock, knock. Who's there?

488
00:24:57,780 --> 00:24:59,220
To. To who?

489
00:24:59,220 --> 00:25:00,660
No, it's "to whom?".

490
00:25:00,660 --> 00:25:03,100
LAUGHTER

491
00:25:03,100 --> 00:25:07,100
APPLAUSE
Yes! Touche! Tou-bloody-che!

492
00:25:08,900 --> 00:25:11,940
And now, as is our general practice,

493
00:25:11,940 --> 00:25:15,700
it's time to prescribe
a dose of General Ignorance.

494
00:25:15,700 --> 00:25:20,460
Fingers on buzzers. What did
Gabriele Falloppio call these?

495
00:25:22,060 --> 00:25:24,180
DOCTOR ZHIVAGO THEME
Yes, Lucy?

496
00:25:24,180 --> 00:25:27,100
ATTEMPTS ITALIAN ACCENT:
My bloody tubes.

497
00:25:27,100 --> 00:25:29,980
My bloody tubes. He didn't
call them tubes.

498
00:25:29,980 --> 00:25:32,580
DR FINLAY'S CASEBOOK THEME
Are they those...?

499
00:25:32,580 --> 00:25:35,660
What do they call it?
Beats, those headphones, Beats?

500
00:25:37,740 --> 00:25:39,900
- Fallopians by Dre. - Yeah.

501
00:25:41,900 --> 00:25:45,300
Fallopian tubes, we think of,
but Falloppio...

502
00:25:45,300 --> 00:25:46,660
He called them something else.

503
00:25:46,660 --> 00:25:50,340
He thought, when he identified these
shapes inside the lady person...

504
00:25:50,340 --> 00:25:52,500
- A lady's pipes. - Yeah.

505
00:25:52,500 --> 00:25:55,100
He thought they reminded him
of what were in those days

506
00:25:55,100 --> 00:25:58,420
rather long musical instruments
with an end like a trumpet's bell.

507
00:25:58,420 --> 00:26:02,700
These were tubas.
So he called them tubas.

508
00:26:02,700 --> 00:26:09,020
And if you have a tuba, if you have
a word ending in A in Italian,

509
00:26:09,020 --> 00:26:12,220
how do you pluralise it?
What is two tuba?

510
00:26:12,220 --> 00:26:13,780
Tu-be. Tub-e.

511
00:26:13,780 --> 00:26:17,260
With an E on the end, spelt T-U-B-E.

512
00:26:17,260 --> 00:26:21,460
So it went around the world
as his "tub-e", his tubas,

513
00:26:21,460 --> 00:26:25,540
people saw the world tube but
in fact he called them tubas.

514
00:26:25,540 --> 00:26:27,380
So now when a lady breaks wind,
she can say,

515
00:26:27,380 --> 00:26:30,500
- "I'm sorry, it's just my fallopian
tubas." - It's the old tuba.

516
00:26:30,500 --> 00:26:35,300
Exactly. Here's a quick, easy
question. What's a hip fracture?

517
00:26:36,580 --> 00:26:39,580
- A crack in the hip bone?
- Is it not really a fracture

518
00:26:39,580 --> 00:26:42,020
- and that's why you're asking us?
- KLAXON

519
00:26:44,220 --> 00:26:47,060
- A hip fracture is not a fracture
of the hip. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

520
00:26:47,060 --> 00:26:49,620
It's weird to say this,
but it's true.

521
00:26:49,620 --> 00:26:54,380
A hip fracture is a fracture of the
femur, of the long thighbone, there.

522
00:26:54,380 --> 00:26:56,540
OK, but what if you
actually fracture your hip?

523
00:26:56,540 --> 00:26:57,860
That's a pelvic fracture.

524
00:26:57,860 --> 00:27:00,540
All right, but what if you
actually fracture your pelvis?

525
00:27:00,540 --> 00:27:03,620
We could go on and then...

526
00:27:03,620 --> 00:27:05,100
No, it does seem mad.

527
00:27:05,100 --> 00:27:07,620
It's a question that was
designed simply to get points

528
00:27:07,620 --> 00:27:11,940
out of Alan and it worked. Well,
no wonder the doctors are going mad.

529
00:27:11,940 --> 00:27:13,900
It is a bit peculiar, I grant you.

530
00:27:13,900 --> 00:27:16,300
And we now come
coughing and spluttering

531
00:27:16,300 --> 00:27:21,340
to the most heavily doctored part
of the whole evening - the scores.

532
00:27:21,340 --> 00:27:22,700
Oh, my.

533
00:27:22,700 --> 00:27:26,740
Well, in first place,
with not a cough, not a tickle,

534
00:27:26,740 --> 00:27:30,180
clear skin, free of mites,
on nine points,

535
00:27:30,180 --> 00:27:31,420
it's Lucy Porter.

536
00:27:31,420 --> 00:27:32,620
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

537
00:27:34,060 --> 00:27:36,020
Thank you.

538
00:27:37,380 --> 00:27:40,060
In second place, almost as healthy,

539
00:27:40,060 --> 00:27:41,740
it's Ross Noble on seven points.

540
00:27:41,740 --> 00:27:43,140
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

541
00:27:46,180 --> 00:27:52,380
On minus five, with a tickly throat
and not looking too well,

542
00:27:52,380 --> 00:27:54,140
it's Matt Lucas.

543
00:27:54,140 --> 00:27:56,060
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

544
00:27:59,620 --> 00:28:05,180
And groaning and wheezing
at death's door

545
00:28:05,180 --> 00:28:06,780
on minus 44,

546
00:28:06,780 --> 00:28:08,100
- Alan Davies. - What?

547
00:28:08,100 --> 00:28:09,660
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

548
00:28:17,660 --> 00:28:21,100
So, it only remains for me to thank
Matt, Ross, Lucy and Alan.

549
00:28:21,100 --> 00:28:24,100
I'll leave you with
the words of Rodney Dangerfield.

550
00:28:24,100 --> 00:28:26,380
When I was born, I was so ugly,

551
00:28:26,380 --> 00:28:28,580
the doctor slapped my mother.

552
00:28:28,580 --> 00:28:30,180
Good night.

553
00:28:30,180 --> 00:28:32,100
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE