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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,021 --> 00:00:07,123
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:07,157 --> 00:00:10,827
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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♪ Family Guy 14x07 ♪
Hot Pocket-Dial
Original Air Date on November 22, 2015
11
00:00:29,990 --> 00:00:36,490
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
12
00:00:36,491 --> 00:00:38,558
Ah, Smitty's Steakhouse.
13
00:00:38,793 --> 00:00:41,161
You know, this was the
fanciest restaurant in Quahog
14
00:00:41,195 --> 00:00:43,930
when I was a kid.
The ladies' room has a big space
15
00:00:43,965 --> 00:00:46,333
with chairs in it, like a living
room, before you get back
16
00:00:46,367 --> 00:00:47,601
to where the crappers are.
17
00:00:47,635 --> 00:00:49,436
Good evening and
welcome to Smitty's.
18
00:00:49,470 --> 00:00:51,438
I'll be back with
martinis for Mom and Dad,
19
00:00:51,472 --> 00:00:54,140
and for you kids,
some martinis.
20
00:00:54,175 --> 00:00:55,809
Dad, can you pass
the bread?
21
00:00:55,843 --> 00:00:58,245
Sure. But don't forget
the butter that looks like
22
00:00:58,279 --> 00:01:01,548
decorative bathroom soaps and
is impossible to smear.
23
00:01:04,619 --> 00:01:08,255
Thanks, Dad!
This really ruins it!
24
00:01:08,289 --> 00:01:09,990
What will you
be having, sir?
25
00:01:10,024 --> 00:01:12,559
Yes, I'll have what I had last
time: pheasant on the glass.
26
00:01:12,593 --> 00:01:14,461
Don't you mean
"pheasant under glass"?
27
00:01:14,495 --> 00:01:15,729
Nope.
28
00:01:17,832 --> 00:01:21,835
Yeah. Now turn around
and lay an egg on the glass.
29
00:01:24,005 --> 00:01:26,239
Aw, yeah.
30
00:01:26,274 --> 00:01:29,976
I defy you to tell me
exactly what's wrong with this.
31
00:01:33,714 --> 00:01:36,116
Oh, Peter, look.
You can put your business card
32
00:01:36,150 --> 00:01:38,118
in this bowl
and maybe win a free lunch.
33
00:01:38,152 --> 00:01:39,953
I don't have a
business card.
34
00:01:39,987 --> 00:01:42,155
And I think
you knew that.
35
00:01:42,189 --> 00:01:43,823
I hope you enjoyed
your meal, sir.
36
00:01:43,858 --> 00:01:46,326
May I offer you a toothpick?
Oh, I-I don't know.
37
00:01:46,360 --> 00:01:48,328
We've already spent
a lot of money in here tonight.
38
00:01:48,362 --> 00:01:51,398
No, sir, it-it's free.
39
00:01:53,034 --> 00:01:55,468
Oh!
40
00:01:58,639 --> 00:02:00,607
Peter, that's not how
you use a toothpick.
41
00:02:00,641 --> 00:02:02,108
You pick your teeth
with it.
42
00:02:02,143 --> 00:02:04,678
I cannot believe I have
to explain this to you.
43
00:02:04,712 --> 00:02:07,714
There are gaps in my knowledge.
This is hardly news.
44
00:02:09,383 --> 00:02:11,117
Wow, this is awesome!
45
00:02:11,152 --> 00:02:13,987
This is like
I'm having a whole second meal!
46
00:02:15,656 --> 00:02:18,625
Man, this just feels right.
47
00:02:18,659 --> 00:02:21,695
That's it. From here on out, I
am about all things toothpick.
48
00:02:21,729 --> 00:02:24,197
I'm gonna go everywhere with
it, always be chewin' on it,
49
00:02:24,231 --> 00:02:25,966
#-and start all my
sentences with,
50
00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:27,534
"All right, here's
what you're gonna do."
51
00:02:27,568 --> 00:02:29,536
Excuse me, we're
from out of town.
52
00:02:29,570 --> 00:02:32,172
Where do people go to listen
to live music around here?
53
00:02:32,206 --> 00:02:34,174
I'll handle this. All right,
here's what you're gonna do:
54
00:02:34,208 --> 00:02:36,009
skip the live music.
Get yourself a room
55
00:02:36,043 --> 00:02:38,178
over at the Wickford Marina.
Take her out on a balcony,
56
00:02:38,212 --> 00:02:40,413
point to any boat in the harbor,
and tell her it's yours.
57
00:02:40,448 --> 00:02:42,515
Now, you got rubbers?
Now that I'm a toothpick guy,
58
00:02:42,550 --> 00:02:44,517
I call 'em rubbers. Or you could
just pull the hose out
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00:02:44,552 --> 00:02:46,019
of the bucket
and let it spray free.
60
00:02:46,053 --> 00:02:49,122
I've had a vasectomy.
61
00:02:51,959 --> 00:02:54,594
Chris, now that I'm a toothpick
guy, it's my job to sit
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00:02:54,628 --> 00:02:56,596
on a BMX bike
outside the rec center
63
00:02:56,630 --> 00:02:59,032
and ask every kid
if they're the new kid.
64
00:02:59,066 --> 00:03:01,034
Hey. You the new kid?
65
00:03:01,068 --> 00:03:02,702
Why?
Never mind why.
66
00:03:02,737 --> 00:03:05,705
Got any cool toys?
Uh, I got an Xbox.
67
00:03:05,740 --> 00:03:08,274
How about you?
I got a Barbie with a wiener on it.
68
00:03:08,309 --> 00:03:11,277
Took a thumb from a G.I. Joe,
put it on with superglue.
69
00:03:11,312 --> 00:03:13,546
Looks pretty real.
Real enough, anyways.
70
00:03:13,581 --> 00:03:15,615
Does the job.
Does what job?
71
00:03:15,649 --> 00:03:18,218
You get it. My family
moves around a lot
72
00:03:18,252 --> 00:03:19,886
'cause I do stuff like this.
73
00:03:19,920 --> 00:03:21,388
Um... okay.
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00:03:21,422 --> 00:03:23,289
I got to go now.
You sure you don't want
75
00:03:23,324 --> 00:03:25,225
to come over and pull
on my cat's nipples?
76
00:03:25,259 --> 00:03:28,595
We can do anything,
'cause my mom has two jobs.
77
00:03:30,631 --> 00:03:32,098
All right,
I'm off to the fish market.
78
00:03:32,133 --> 00:03:33,700
What? Why?
79
00:03:33,734 --> 00:03:35,769
Well, the most intimidating
people are toothpick guys
80
00:03:35,803 --> 00:03:37,937
who work at seafood counters
and make people uncomfortable
81
00:03:37,972 --> 00:03:39,873
for not knowing
about fish.
82
00:03:39,907 --> 00:03:41,307
What's good here?
It's all good.
83
00:03:41,342 --> 00:03:42,809
What's the freshest?
It's all fresh.
84
00:03:42,843 --> 00:03:44,077
How 'bout the halibut?
Is it gamey?
85
00:03:44,101 --> 00:03:45,011
Gamey?
86
00:03:45,012 --> 00:03:47,247
I mean, you know, is it fishy?
It's all fish.
87
00:03:47,281 --> 00:03:49,983
Is there a special way to prepare it?
I'd cook it up.
88
00:03:50,017 --> 00:03:51,584
W-Well, what's
the best fish here?
89
00:03:51,619 --> 00:03:52,752
What's your favorite fish?
90
00:03:52,787 --> 00:03:55,655
I don't eat fish.
I only like spaghetti.
91
00:04:00,227 --> 00:04:02,429
Ugh, when are you gonna
get rid of that toothpick?
92
00:04:02,463 --> 00:04:04,931
It's disgusting,
and it's starting to smell.
93
00:04:04,965 --> 00:04:06,924
Why would I give it up?
It's gettin' me tons of tail.
94
00:04:06,948 --> 00:04:08,034
What?
95
00:04:08,035 --> 00:04:11,471
And check this out.
The rare triple toothpick flip.
96
00:04:16,777 --> 00:04:18,978
Oh, my God,
are you all right?
97
00:04:19,013 --> 00:04:20,814
No, I swallowed it!
98
00:04:20,848 --> 00:04:22,582
My toothpick! It's gone!
99
00:04:22,616 --> 00:04:24,651
Damn it! I'm gonna need
you to put that large
100
00:04:24,685 --> 00:04:26,286
two-handed colander
over the toilet.
101
00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:28,288
Peter, that was
a wedding present from my aunt.
102
00:04:28,322 --> 00:04:29,722
Well, let's use
the ice cream maker!
103
00:04:29,757 --> 00:04:30,857
We've never used it once!
104
00:04:30,891 --> 00:04:33,860
Calm down. You can always get
another toothpick.
105
00:04:33,894 --> 00:04:35,462
Oh, my God, you're right!
106
00:04:35,496 --> 00:04:36,963
Lois, we got to drive
to Smitty's right now
107
00:04:36,997 --> 00:04:39,365
and get one.
Now? But we told Chris
108
00:04:39,400 --> 00:04:42,135
we'd be there
when he wakes up from surgery.
109
00:04:43,471 --> 00:04:45,939
All right, we were able
to fix your hernia,
110
00:04:45,973 --> 00:04:48,341
but you've got to stop lifting
sewer hole covers.
111
00:04:48,375 --> 00:04:50,110
But the Ninja Turtles
live down there.
112
00:04:50,144 --> 00:04:51,344
I'm friends with them.
113
00:04:51,378 --> 00:04:53,446
Hey, fat ass,
I brought you flowers.
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00:04:53,481 --> 00:04:56,182
But stay out of the sewers!
We're trying to work down there.
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00:04:56,217 --> 00:04:58,485
Thanks, Donatello!
116
00:05:00,221 --> 00:05:01,621
Oh, thank God!
117
00:05:01,655 --> 00:05:03,490
Quick, we need
another toothpick!
118
00:05:03,524 --> 00:05:06,926
Thank you, Maurice.
119
00:05:15,970 --> 00:05:18,605
Just get your toothpick
and let's get out of here.
120
00:05:18,639 --> 00:05:19,906
Ugh. No, thanks.
121
00:05:19,940 --> 00:05:22,342
That old lady has ruined
toothpicks for me.
122
00:05:22,376 --> 00:05:24,577
Just like how Meg
ruined broccoli.
123
00:05:24,612 --> 00:05:26,579
Hey, Meg, look,
they're little trees!
124
00:05:26,614 --> 00:05:27,847
No, they're not.
125
00:05:27,882 --> 00:05:30,083
They're not?!
126
00:05:30,117 --> 00:05:32,519
Hey, Peter!
127
00:05:32,553 --> 00:05:35,188
Oh, look, there's Quagmire
and his transgendered mother,
128
00:05:35,222 --> 00:05:38,391
which is now great.
129
00:05:38,425 --> 00:05:39,759
Hey, Quagmire. Hey, Ida.
130
00:05:39,793 --> 00:05:41,394
I didn't know
you liked Smitty's.
131
00:05:41,428 --> 00:05:43,062
Oh, yeah, I've been coming here
for ages.
132
00:05:43,097 --> 00:05:44,831
They even named a sandwich
after me.
133
00:05:44,865 --> 00:05:47,233
It's an inside-out hot dog
slathered in ketchup.
134
00:05:47,268 --> 00:05:49,369
Please, please
join us.
135
00:05:49,403 --> 00:05:52,372
Oh, we wouldn't want
to interrupt your brave dinner.
136
00:05:52,406 --> 00:05:54,040
Nonsense, we're happy
to have you.
137
00:05:54,074 --> 00:05:55,642
All right,
but we already ate dinner,
138
00:05:55,676 --> 00:05:59,212
so maybe just an iceberg wedge,
a steak, and some sides.
139
00:05:59,246 --> 00:06:01,581
And then I said something random
that suggested
140
00:06:01,615 --> 00:06:03,249
a whole crazy story!
141
00:06:05,753 --> 00:06:07,720
Oh, God, that's
hilarious, Lois.
142
00:06:07,755 --> 00:06:09,556
I could listen to
you talk all night.
143
00:06:09,590 --> 00:06:12,158
Yeah, but we got to get going.
Carter's our babysitter,
144
00:06:12,193 --> 00:06:15,328
and if he's with the kids too
long, they start sayin' racisms.
145
00:06:15,362 --> 00:06:17,330
Aw, I wish the fun didn't have
to end.
146
00:06:17,364 --> 00:06:19,899
I always enjoy spending time
with you two.
147
00:06:19,934 --> 00:06:21,701
Well, why don't you
come over tomorrow?
148
00:06:21,735 --> 00:06:25,038
We'll fire up the grill and have
the gang over for a cookout.
149
00:06:25,072 --> 00:06:27,440
Well, that sounds wonderful.
Well, great, we'll be there!
150
00:06:27,474 --> 00:06:29,375
Hey, before you two
leave, let's take a photo.
151
00:06:29,410 --> 00:06:31,711
Yeah! Selfie!
152
00:06:31,745 --> 00:06:34,113
I just learned that word.
153
00:06:37,117 --> 00:06:39,586
Perfect! Well, good
night, you guys.
154
00:06:39,620 --> 00:06:41,921
See you tomorrow,
hashtags!
155
00:06:41,956 --> 00:06:44,290
You're not doin'
that right.
156
00:06:47,795 --> 00:06:50,196
Boy, that Lois is really
something, isn't she?
157
00:06:50,231 --> 00:06:53,099
Yeah. Peter's
a lucky guy.
158
00:06:53,133 --> 00:06:54,701
Glenn, do you...
159
00:06:54,735 --> 00:06:57,103
do you have feelings for her?
160
00:06:57,137 --> 00:06:59,439
- What?
- No.
161
00:06:59,473 --> 00:07:00,873
A mother always knows.
162
00:07:00,908 --> 00:07:02,875
You like to play the
field, but, deep down,
163
00:07:02,910 --> 00:07:05,645
you really wish you had a
woman like Lois, don't you?
164
00:07:05,679 --> 00:07:07,480
No, I don't want a woman
like Lois.
165
00:07:07,514 --> 00:07:09,315
I want Lois.
166
00:07:09,350 --> 00:07:11,651
She's perfect.
I've loved her for years.
167
00:07:11,685 --> 00:07:14,153
She's warm and kind
and beautiful.
168
00:07:14,188 --> 00:07:16,623
I've never been so in love
with anyone.
169
00:07:16,657 --> 00:07:18,458
Glenn, that's
very sweet,
170
00:07:18,492 --> 00:07:20,960
but you're talking about
your best friend's wife.
171
00:07:20,995 --> 00:07:22,562
I know, I know.
It's wrong.
172
00:07:22,596 --> 00:07:23,963
And Peter's
a good friend.
173
00:07:23,998 --> 00:07:25,898
Not like Cleveland.
174
00:07:25,933 --> 00:07:27,967
Hey, I got two
of these phone books.
175
00:07:28,002 --> 00:07:29,569
Didn't know
if you wanted one.
176
00:07:29,603 --> 00:07:31,738
Hey, how long
have we known each other?
177
00:07:31,772 --> 00:07:35,742
Long time. And yet we've never
discussed mothers' maiden names,
178
00:07:35,776 --> 00:07:38,978
the names of old pets,
high school mascots,
179
00:07:39,013 --> 00:07:41,414
favorite teachers.
Heck, I don't even know
180
00:07:41,448 --> 00:07:43,416
the last four digits
of your Social.
181
00:07:43,450 --> 00:07:45,251
Cleveland, do you need
to borrow some money?
182
00:07:45,286 --> 00:07:47,269
I do!
They're gonna kill Donna!
183
00:07:47,270 --> 00:07:47,907
Really?
184
00:07:47,931 --> 00:07:50,237
No. I just want
to buy a man's fur coat.
185
00:07:50,524 --> 00:07:52,292
Get out of here.
186
00:07:55,062 --> 00:07:56,796
Hey, Peter,
187
00:07:56,830 --> 00:07:58,631
I had an extra
phone book, and I...
188
00:07:58,666 --> 00:08:00,967
I'm not buyin' you that coat!
189
00:08:07,408 --> 00:08:09,609
Huh? Who? What?
190
00:08:09,643 --> 00:08:11,611
Yeah, what? What? Which
doggy in what window?
191
00:08:11,645 --> 00:08:13,279
So, how'd everything go?
192
00:08:13,314 --> 00:08:15,114
Hard to tell. I was
coughing the whole time.
193
00:08:15,149 --> 00:08:17,116
By the way, I couldn't figure
out how to use your oven,
194
00:08:17,151 --> 00:08:18,851
so I destroyed it
in a blind rage.
195
00:08:18,886 --> 00:08:20,653
Well, good night.
196
00:08:20,688 --> 00:08:24,657
Ooh, after that steak, I got
to go lay down on the toilet.
197
00:08:25,986 --> 00:08:27,893
Huh. Looks like I got
a couple of messages.
198
00:08:28,529 --> 00:08:30,163
Uh, Dad? Dad?
199
00:08:30,197 --> 00:08:31,998
Grandpa's going nuts
on the oven.
200
00:08:32,032 --> 00:08:33,232
Can you come home quick?
201
00:08:33,267 --> 00:08:34,734
Who the hell is that?
202
00:08:34,768 --> 00:08:37,003
Huh. There's one from Quagmire.
203
00:08:38,177 --> 00:08:40,183
Huh, must've pocket-dialed me
again.
204
00:08:40,207 --> 00:08:42,675
I want Lois. She's perfect.
205
00:08:42,710 --> 00:08:44,243
I've loved her for years.
206
00:08:44,278 --> 00:08:46,846
She's warm and kind
and beautiful.
207
00:08:46,880 --> 00:08:48,848
I've never been so in love
with anyone.
208
00:08:48,882 --> 00:08:50,850
Oh, my God.
209
00:08:50,884 --> 00:08:53,086
Quagmire's in love with my wife?
210
00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:54,921
Hello?
211
00:08:54,955 --> 00:08:57,156
Peter, I'm having troubles
on the toilet.
212
00:08:57,191 --> 00:08:58,424
Bring the ice cream maker.
213
00:09:04,740 --> 00:09:06,708
Brian, there's somethin' I
got to talk to you about.
214
00:09:06,742 --> 00:09:09,277
Quagmire pocket-dialed
me last night.
215
00:09:09,311 --> 00:09:11,379
You got to hear this.
216
00:09:11,414 --> 00:09:13,548
I want Lois. She's perfect.
217
00:09:13,582 --> 00:09:16,051
I've loved her for years.
Oh, my God!
218
00:09:16,085 --> 00:09:18,053
He's in love
with Lois?
219
00:09:18,087 --> 00:09:19,721
Yeah, and if you keep
listenin', you can hear
220
00:09:19,755 --> 00:09:22,257
a Puerto Rican busboy get
fired in the background.
221
00:09:22,291 --> 00:09:24,893
It's pretty funny. He cries.
But can you believe Quagmire?!
222
00:09:24,927 --> 00:09:26,561
Well, I guess
it's not that shocking.
223
00:09:26,595 --> 00:09:29,297
I mean, he has said 100 times
that he wants to bang Lois.
224
00:09:29,331 --> 00:09:31,466
No, no, no, that's just
Quagmire bein' a horndog.
225
00:09:31,500 --> 00:09:33,268
This is love.
226
00:09:33,302 --> 00:09:35,403
I don't know, I think you're making
too big a deal out of this.
227
00:09:35,438 --> 00:09:37,705
Too big a deal?! The guy's
been sitting next to me
228
00:09:37,740 --> 00:09:39,407
all these years,
acting like he's my friend,
229
00:09:39,442 --> 00:09:41,643
when all he really wants
is to be with my wife!
230
00:09:41,677 --> 00:09:43,378
Geez, calm down.
No, I'm telling you,
231
00:09:43,412 --> 00:09:45,447
he's gonna try to take
Lois away from me.
232
00:09:45,481 --> 00:09:47,415
You know what? I'm going
over there right now
233
00:09:47,450 --> 00:09:50,218
and hit him with a shovel, like
a white trash YouTube girl.
234
00:09:50,252 --> 00:09:51,486
Peter, wait, wait.
Listen.
235
00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:53,922
Delete that message
and pretend you never heard it.
236
00:09:53,956 --> 00:09:55,123
What? Why?
237
00:09:55,157 --> 00:09:56,825
Because you weren't meant
to hear it.
238
00:09:56,859 --> 00:09:59,661
If you act on this, all you'll
do is wreck your friendship
239
00:09:59,695 --> 00:10:01,496
and cause heartache
for everyone involved.
240
00:10:01,530 --> 00:10:02,786
What, so what am I supposed
to do, just ignore it?
241
00:10:02,810 --> 00:10:05,035
Yeah. Ignore it.
Like you do with the ghost
242
00:10:05,036 --> 00:10:07,686
of that colonial woman who
died falling down our stairs.
243
00:10:08,471 --> 00:10:12,574
I saw you
eat a crayon...
244
00:10:12,608 --> 00:10:14,943
It was purple.
I thought it was grape.
245
00:10:14,977 --> 00:10:17,078
Look, you've got to be
the bigger man.
246
00:10:17,113 --> 00:10:19,114
You got to just keep this
to yourself.
247
00:10:19,148 --> 00:10:21,149
Fine,
I won't say anything.
248
00:10:21,183 --> 00:10:23,284
Good. And don't be
passive-aggressive, either.
249
00:10:23,319 --> 00:10:26,121
Like one of those songs
in an old musical.
250
00:10:27,356 --> 00:10:29,357
♪ You're hideous ♪
251
00:10:29,391 --> 00:10:31,259
♪ To be without ♪
252
00:10:31,293 --> 00:10:32,927
♪ You're big and fat ♪
253
00:10:32,962 --> 00:10:34,696
♪ In the heart,
no doubt ♪
254
00:10:34,730 --> 00:10:36,464
♪ You're a horrible loss ♪
255
00:10:36,499 --> 00:10:38,533
♪ If you won't be my wife ♪
256
00:10:38,567 --> 00:10:40,768
♪ You're a raging,
continuous ♪
257
00:10:40,803 --> 00:10:43,905
♪ Love in my life... ♪
258
00:10:50,513 --> 00:10:51,946
Pretty good turnout
for this thing.
259
00:10:51,981 --> 00:10:54,349
Oh, yeah, Mort
and Neil Goldman.
260
00:10:54,383 --> 00:10:56,317
It's like Coachella.
261
00:10:59,822 --> 00:11:01,489
There's that son of a bitch!
262
00:11:01,524 --> 00:11:03,491
He's got some nerve
showing up here.
263
00:11:03,526 --> 00:11:05,360
Peter, remember what
we talked about.
264
00:11:05,394 --> 00:11:07,061
Look at them clouds
up there.
265
00:11:07,096 --> 00:11:08,663
Yeah, that one
look like Nathan.
266
00:11:08,697 --> 00:11:10,298
That one look
like Shawn.
267
00:11:10,332 --> 00:11:11,866
And there go Wanya
over there.
268
00:11:11,901 --> 00:11:14,869
How blessed are we to have
all them Boyz II Men
269
00:11:14,904 --> 00:11:17,138
just floating around
in the sky?
270
00:11:17,173 --> 00:11:18,573
Glenn! Ida!
You made it!
271
00:11:18,607 --> 00:11:20,408
Hey, Lois. I brought
the hamburger buns,
272
00:11:20,442 --> 00:11:21,676
like you wanted.
273
00:11:21,710 --> 00:11:23,011
I wasn't sure
what people like,
274
00:11:23,045 --> 00:11:25,580
so I got some with seeds on them
and some without.
275
00:11:25,614 --> 00:11:27,715
What does he mean
by that, "seeds"?
276
00:11:27,750 --> 00:11:29,551
Like semen?
Is that what he means?
277
00:11:29,585 --> 00:11:32,353
Semen on her buns.
Am I the only one hearing this?
278
00:11:32,388 --> 00:11:34,822
Get the hell away from my wife,
you scumbag!
279
00:11:34,857 --> 00:11:36,391
Peter, what are you
talking about?
280
00:11:36,425 --> 00:11:37,992
I'll tell you
what I'm talking about!
281
00:11:38,027 --> 00:11:39,194
I'm talking about this!
282
00:11:39,228 --> 00:11:40,828
Idea for a movie.
283
00:11:40,863 --> 00:11:44,332
Fop Cop. It's a cop
who's, like, a fancy guy.
284
00:11:44,366 --> 00:11:46,668
Nobody heard that!
None of you take that!
285
00:11:46,702 --> 00:11:48,937
What I meant to play was this.
286
00:11:48,971 --> 00:11:51,072
I want Lois. She's perfect.
287
00:11:51,106 --> 00:11:52,907
I've loved her for years.
288
00:11:52,942 --> 00:11:55,510
Fop Cop.
That could work.
289
00:11:55,544 --> 00:11:57,579
Glenn...
i-is this true?
290
00:11:57,613 --> 00:12:00,181
Wait a minute, how the hell'd you get
that recording, Peter?
291
00:12:00,216 --> 00:12:02,217
You pocket-dialed me,
you bastard!
292
00:12:02,251 --> 00:12:03,918
Peter, that was a
private conversation.
293
00:12:03,953 --> 00:12:07,255
That doesn't change the fact
that you want to steal my wife!
294
00:12:07,289 --> 00:12:09,290
Hey, get your
hands off me!
295
00:12:10,292 --> 00:12:11,859
Oh, my God!
296
00:12:11,894 --> 00:12:13,528
- Oh, come on, you two.
- Come on, man.
297
00:12:13,562 --> 00:12:14,762
Hey, what are y'all doing?
Someone stop him!
298
00:12:14,797 --> 00:12:15,964
Kill him, Dad!
299
00:12:15,998 --> 00:12:17,398
Murder him!
300
00:12:20,269 --> 00:12:21,903
That's it!
End of cookout!
301
00:12:21,937 --> 00:12:25,573
Get out of my house, and don't
ever speak to me again!
302
00:12:27,076 --> 00:12:29,043
Wow, that turned ugly fast.
303
00:12:29,078 --> 00:12:31,346
Just like my trip to Tampa Bay.
304
00:12:31,380 --> 00:12:34,515
Hey, city boy,
what's with the arm pants?
305
00:12:39,855 --> 00:12:41,956
I want Lois. She's perfect.
306
00:12:41,991 --> 00:12:43,658
I've loved her for years.
307
00:12:43,692 --> 00:12:45,760
You're still
listening to that thing?
308
00:12:45,794 --> 00:12:49,631
It's like, I can't even process
why he'd feel this way.
309
00:12:49,665 --> 00:12:51,966
Maybe... you know, maybe
play it one more time and...
310
00:12:52,001 --> 00:12:53,801
I can't believe this.
311
00:12:53,836 --> 00:12:55,637
I thought Quagmire
was my friend!
312
00:12:55,671 --> 00:12:57,639
Peter, it's not
that surprising.
313
00:12:57,673 --> 00:12:59,907
He's always had a
potent sex drive.
314
00:12:59,942 --> 00:13:02,510
Remember his
grandmother's funeral?
315
00:13:03,579 --> 00:13:05,613
Yeah, get it in there.
316
00:13:05,648 --> 00:13:07,282
Oh, I wish this was
about sex.
317
00:13:07,316 --> 00:13:09,884
If he was just home
busting one to his buddy's wife,
318
00:13:09,918 --> 00:13:11,619
hell, we've all done that.
319
00:13:11,654 --> 00:13:13,254
I've heard. Allegedly.
320
00:13:13,289 --> 00:13:15,690
But not often.
And never to Donna.
321
00:13:15,724 --> 00:13:18,426
Except when she wore those shiny
gold shorts to parent-teacher night.
322
00:13:18,460 --> 00:13:20,528
Oh, yeah, that
was hilarious.
323
00:13:20,562 --> 00:13:21,629
Yeah, that was...
324
00:13:21,664 --> 00:13:22,964
that was so tacky.
325
00:13:22,998 --> 00:13:25,700
But Quagmire actually has
feelings for you.
326
00:13:25,734 --> 00:13:28,870
I'm afraid he might take you
away from me.
327
00:13:28,904 --> 00:13:31,239
Peter, nobody's
taking me anywhere.
328
00:13:31,273 --> 00:13:33,007
I love you.
329
00:13:33,042 --> 00:13:34,042
Mmm.
330
00:13:34,076 --> 00:13:35,410
I love you, too, Lois.
331
00:13:35,444 --> 00:13:37,745
Hey, you ever heard
any of the other wives
332
00:13:37,780 --> 00:13:39,280
saying they're
attracted to me?
333
00:13:40,683 --> 00:13:43,151
No, um, not that
I recall, no.
334
00:13:43,185 --> 00:13:44,986
Look, now that
this is settled,
335
00:13:45,020 --> 00:13:47,255
maybe you and Glenn can
put this behind you.
336
00:13:47,289 --> 00:13:49,991
No way! How am I supposed
to be friends with someone
337
00:13:50,025 --> 00:13:52,660
who's in love with my wife?
Quagmire is dead to me
338
00:13:52,695 --> 00:13:55,229
and needs to be dealt with
in an appropriate manner.
339
00:13:55,264 --> 00:13:57,298
Shame.
340
00:13:57,333 --> 00:13:59,067
Shame.
341
00:13:59,101 --> 00:14:00,568
Shame.
342
00:14:01,770 --> 00:14:03,104
Shame.
343
00:14:03,138 --> 00:14:06,007
♪ Shame, shame, shame ♪
344
00:14:06,041 --> 00:14:09,077
♪ Shame on you-hoo ♪
345
00:14:09,111 --> 00:14:12,246
♪ Shame, shame, shame ♪
346
00:14:12,281 --> 00:14:14,015
♪ Shame on Q... ♪
347
00:14:14,049 --> 00:14:17,218
This was serious, but it
turned into something fun.
348
00:14:23,025 --> 00:14:25,293
Glenn? Is that you?
349
00:14:25,327 --> 00:14:27,428
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I was just buying a...
350
00:14:27,463 --> 00:14:29,697
a... grocery store cane.
351
00:14:29,732 --> 00:14:31,232
See you, Lois.
352
00:14:31,266 --> 00:14:33,167
Glenn, wait.
Look, if you and Peter
353
00:14:33,202 --> 00:14:36,337
aren't gonna talk this out,
you and I should.
354
00:14:36,372 --> 00:14:37,839
What's there
to talk about?
355
00:14:37,873 --> 00:14:40,341
Everyone knows I'm in love
with my best friend's wife.
356
00:14:40,376 --> 00:14:42,110
It's pathetic.
And humiliating.
357
00:14:42,144 --> 00:14:44,879
Glenn...
I can't trust myself around you.
358
00:14:44,913 --> 00:14:48,416
It's probably best if I...
just never see you again.
359
00:14:48,450 --> 00:14:50,651
Well, you can't just
avoid me forever.
360
00:14:50,686 --> 00:14:52,653
We live on the same street.
361
00:14:52,688 --> 00:14:54,055
Mm.
362
00:14:54,089 --> 00:14:55,490
Well, then...
363
00:14:55,524 --> 00:14:58,126
I know what I have to do.
364
00:14:58,160 --> 00:14:59,961
Good-bye, Lois.
365
00:14:59,995 --> 00:15:02,430
♪ ♪
366
00:15:07,936 --> 00:15:10,571
Oh, sour cream.
You wanted me to remind you.
367
00:15:10,606 --> 00:15:11,939
Sour cream.
368
00:15:15,944 --> 00:15:18,846
Mr. Quagmire, which box
do these beads go in?
369
00:15:18,881 --> 00:15:20,481
Let me smell 'em.
370
00:15:20,516 --> 00:15:22,583
They go in the big box.
371
00:15:22,618 --> 00:15:24,585
Quagmire, I can't
believe you're moving.
372
00:15:24,620 --> 00:15:27,321
Look, give it time--
this whole thing will blow over.
373
00:15:27,356 --> 00:15:28,823
No, it's too awkward.
374
00:15:28,857 --> 00:15:30,992
It's best for everyone
if I just leave.
375
00:15:31,026 --> 00:15:32,260
That's too bad.
376
00:15:32,294 --> 00:15:35,396
We never got to do
that "Joe-Quagmire" lunch.
377
00:15:38,167 --> 00:15:40,535
Well, that'll do it.
378
00:15:40,569 --> 00:15:43,171
Peter, Quagmire's
serious about this.
379
00:15:43,205 --> 00:15:45,273
You got to do something!
380
00:15:45,307 --> 00:15:47,842
You're right.
Quagmire, wait!
381
00:15:47,876 --> 00:15:51,245
You almost left
without this!
382
00:15:56,185 --> 00:15:58,820
You want me to be the one
that says "jiggety" now?
383
00:16:04,546 --> 00:16:06,580
We now return to Dateline.
384
00:16:06,817 --> 00:16:09,501
Our story tonight:
The guy you think did it?
385
00:16:09,601 --> 00:16:10,568
He did it.
386
00:16:10,602 --> 00:16:11,902
Now go to bed.
387
00:16:11,937 --> 00:16:13,904
Your grandkids
are coming tomorrow.
388
00:16:17,509 --> 00:16:20,544
I had a pretty good
egg dish last night.
389
00:16:20,579 --> 00:16:23,914
What? What-what am I supposed
to do with that information?
390
00:16:23,949 --> 00:16:26,450
Well, I don't know.
Maybe ask me for the recipe?
391
00:16:26,485 --> 00:16:28,419
Do you have it?
No.
392
00:16:28,453 --> 00:16:30,454
So what's going on
with you guys?
393
00:16:30,489 --> 00:16:32,123
Nothing much.
394
00:16:32,157 --> 00:16:34,592
See, this is where Quagmire
normally would have told
395
00:16:34,626 --> 00:16:36,627
one of his
outrageous sex stories.
396
00:16:36,662 --> 00:16:39,764
Aw, we don't need him.
I got a sex story for you.
397
00:16:39,798 --> 00:16:41,632
So I'm bangin' this chick,
and she's sayin' to me,
398
00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:43,634
"I'm worried that Chris won't
get into college."
399
00:16:43,669 --> 00:16:45,269
And then I says to her,
400
00:16:45,303 --> 00:16:46,971
"Yeah, that seems
like a legitimate concern."
401
00:16:47,005 --> 00:16:49,840
And then I lost my wood,
and so we just watched Colbert,
402
00:16:49,875 --> 00:16:52,343
and then I took a dump
completely nude.
403
00:16:52,377 --> 00:16:54,545
Who else but Peter?
404
00:16:56,281 --> 00:16:58,916
Peter, face it-- without
Quagmire, we're boring.
405
00:16:58,950 --> 00:17:00,618
Oh, come on,
that ain't true.
406
00:17:00,652 --> 00:17:03,254
Yes, it is. He had
all the fun ideas.
407
00:17:03,288 --> 00:17:05,856
Remember? He even
took me parasailing.
408
00:17:07,859 --> 00:17:10,327
This is awesome!
It's like I'm flying!
409
00:17:11,963 --> 00:17:14,632
I've never felt so alive!
410
00:17:14,666 --> 00:17:18,502
Oh, if only
I had a pair of legs.
411
00:17:18,537 --> 00:17:21,005
All right!
412
00:17:23,675 --> 00:17:26,310
It was the fish part of me
that wanted 'em!
413
00:17:31,883 --> 00:17:35,953
Look, Peter, I'm
sorry Quagmire moved away,
414
00:17:35,987 --> 00:17:38,889
but you can't just sit around
the house and drink all day.
415
00:17:38,924 --> 00:17:41,225
It's all your fault
Quagmire fell in love with you.
416
00:17:41,259 --> 00:17:43,360
Traipsin' around
in your tan pants
417
00:17:43,395 --> 00:17:45,963
and your green shirt
and your soothing voice.
418
00:17:45,997 --> 00:17:47,531
My fault?!
419
00:17:47,566 --> 00:17:49,300
Yeah, everything is messed up.
420
00:17:49,334 --> 00:17:51,902
I lost my best friend,
my buddies are all fighting,
421
00:17:51,937 --> 00:17:54,472
that chick at work is saying
stuff that ain't true.
422
00:17:54,506 --> 00:17:55,906
Okay, you know what?
423
00:17:55,941 --> 00:17:57,408
Enough feeling
sorry for yourself.
424
00:17:57,442 --> 00:17:59,543
We're fixing this now.
Get in the car.
425
00:17:59,578 --> 00:18:01,378
What? Why?
You'll see.
426
00:18:01,413 --> 00:18:03,380
Why should I trust you?
427
00:18:03,415 --> 00:18:05,916
You're always trickin' me into
going places I don't want to.
428
00:18:05,951 --> 00:18:09,854
Oh... you said we were going
to a place Walt Disney built.
429
00:18:09,888 --> 00:18:12,356
No, Peter. I said supported.
430
00:18:17,629 --> 00:18:20,264
By the way,
don't go on the train ride.
431
00:18:24,870 --> 00:18:26,737
I've been playing
a game I invented
432
00:18:26,772 --> 00:18:29,440
called "mini racquetball"
in your garage.
433
00:18:29,474 --> 00:18:31,609
Uh-huh.
It's pretty fun.
434
00:18:31,643 --> 00:18:33,444
He has not won
a single point.
435
00:18:33,478 --> 00:18:35,513
You don't have to win
to have fun.
436
00:18:38,250 --> 00:18:41,919
Lois? Peter. Zod.
437
00:18:41,953 --> 00:18:44,688
Hey. You're parked behind
my trapezoid-thing.
438
00:18:44,723 --> 00:18:46,857
Yeah, yeah,
I'll move it in a sec.
439
00:18:46,892 --> 00:18:49,693
Glenn, all this nonsense
has to stop now.
440
00:18:49,728 --> 00:18:51,929
The only reason
this became an issue is because
441
00:18:51,963 --> 00:18:53,964
Peter heard something
he wasn't supposed to hear.
442
00:18:53,999 --> 00:18:55,800
Guy from Superman
lives here?!
443
00:18:55,834 --> 00:18:58,035
And the truth is,
we all have private thoughts
444
00:18:58,069 --> 00:19:01,038
we don't act on,
and that's okay.
445
00:19:01,072 --> 00:19:03,140
For instance, every time
I'm on the subway,
446
00:19:03,175 --> 00:19:05,309
I want to push a stranger
onto the tracks.
447
00:19:05,343 --> 00:19:06,377
And that's fine!
448
00:19:06,411 --> 00:19:08,045
I don't do it!
449
00:19:08,079 --> 00:19:09,747
I guess you're right.
450
00:19:09,781 --> 00:19:12,116
I don't totally disagree with
what Kim Jong-un's doing,
451
00:19:12,150 --> 00:19:13,951
but you don't see
me moving there.
452
00:19:13,985 --> 00:19:15,920
I take medicine
I get from the veterinarian.
453
00:19:15,954 --> 00:19:17,321
Is that one?
454
00:19:17,355 --> 00:19:19,256
No, no, it's not,
but the point is,
455
00:19:19,291 --> 00:19:21,225
we all have secret thoughts.
456
00:19:21,259 --> 00:19:23,794
But there's no reason they
should ruin our friendships.
457
00:19:23,829 --> 00:19:25,763
Sometimes I think about
going to the hospital
458
00:19:25,797 --> 00:19:27,298
and switching
the babies around.
459
00:19:27,332 --> 00:19:29,133
Somali pirates
seem cool, too.
460
00:19:29,167 --> 00:19:31,502
I wouldn't mind eating
the Phillie Phanatic.
461
00:19:31,536 --> 00:19:33,938
See? We're all
terrible people inside.
462
00:19:33,972 --> 00:19:36,340
Joe's a little worse
than the rest of us,
463
00:19:36,374 --> 00:19:39,577
but we all just shove
our thoughts deep down,
464
00:19:39,611 --> 00:19:41,145
where they can't
hurt anybody.
465
00:19:41,179 --> 00:19:43,681
Huh, maybe you're right.
466
00:19:43,715 --> 00:19:45,449
Of course I'm right.
467
00:19:45,483 --> 00:19:48,285
The secret to happiness is
burying all your true feelings
468
00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:51,155
and living a life
of bland compromise.
469
00:19:51,189 --> 00:19:53,290
So here's the question, Glenn.
470
00:19:53,325 --> 00:19:57,361
Do you love Peter enough
to repress your love for me?
471
00:20:01,399 --> 00:20:04,668
Peter, if you're willing
to forget all about this,
472
00:20:04,703 --> 00:20:08,305
I'm more than happy to continue
hiding my true feelings.
473
00:20:08,340 --> 00:20:10,441
I do miss us
hanging out together.
474
00:20:10,475 --> 00:20:13,110
Huh. Sorry I kind of
went a little crazy.
475
00:20:13,144 --> 00:20:15,212
Ah, that's all right.
476
00:20:15,247 --> 00:20:17,681
And I'm sorry
I will always love your wife.
477
00:20:17,716 --> 00:20:19,149
Which I don't.
478
00:20:19,184 --> 00:20:20,618
Thank you, Glenn.
479
00:20:20,652 --> 00:20:21,485
All right!
480
00:20:21,519 --> 00:20:23,053
What do you say
we all celebrate
481
00:20:23,088 --> 00:20:25,456
with a game
of mini racquetball?
482
00:20:25,490 --> 00:20:27,858
Wait. Is mini racquetball
just Ping-Pong?
483
00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:30,594
Kind of.
484
00:20:34,165 --> 00:20:36,867
Boy, it's good to have the gang
together again.
485
00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:38,702
Yeah, welcome
home, buddy.
486
00:20:38,737 --> 00:20:41,171
Man, I missed sitting around,
just shooting the breeze.
487
00:20:41,206 --> 00:20:43,173
Hey, so how'd you get
your house back?
488
00:20:43,208 --> 00:20:44,675
This ought to be good.
489
00:20:44,709 --> 00:20:46,143
I suspended escrow.
490
00:20:46,177 --> 00:20:47,411
Oh.
491
00:20:48,713 --> 00:20:51,174
Hey, guys, you know that egg
dish I was talking about?
492
00:20:51,273 --> 00:20:54,180
Turns out that was
just a dream I had.
493
00:20:54,181 --> 00:21:00,681
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man