Oh, a panini press.
So they're married and they got a gift they never use.
Hey, we got you a panini press.
And we love it. Used it this morning.
I just hope we do better with our new neighbors
than we did with Mr. Briggs.
- We blew that one. - We didn't blow that one.
You're right. You blew that one.
Our first interaction with Mr. Briggs
was you accusing him of stealing figs off our tree.
I was gonna make homemade Fig Newtons.
Really?
Because he's been dead for almost a year.
I have yet to see a Newton.
I remember when everybody sat on the lawn
and watched me move in.
Very different vibe.
- Ooh, ooh, we have a dog bed. - Oh, great.
This neighborhood could use more dog people.
Let's hope they're also clean-up-after-their-dog people.
We should bring them a cake.
When I moved in, you didn't give me a cake.
I helped you move. That was your cake.
I heard through the grapevine
that our new neighbors are a gay couple.
Amazing; gay neighbors.
How great is it that Sadie's growing up
on such a diverse block?
Look at you playing diversity bingo.
Asian wife, black best friend,
gay neighbors.
Hell, if a little person moves in,
you'll have all the boxes checked.
Hell, if that little person is black, won't need you anymore.
Ooh, there they are.
Everyone smile and wave.
I mean, you know, just act natural.
You smile, you wave.
You should smile and wave.
How's the move going?
Oh, great. The only thing
the movers haven't dropped is a box of pillows.
I've got strangers' hands all over my junk.
Not the first time!
Check and check.
I love these new guys.
Their dog has been barking for an hour.
How do you love the new neighbors now?
We need to do something.
Should I ring their bell?
It's the middle of the night.
Throw a brick through their window?
That's a hate crime.
Synced and Corrected by Nsiko www.Addic7ed.com
Hey, babe, how'd your set go?
I did a killer five minutes of material
over the course of about 20 minutes.
Unbelievable.
The poor fella.
I saw him on the way in.
Real old.
Cloudy eyes, no teeth.
He tried to bite me.
- It was adorable. - Sounds precious.
I'm never gonna get to sleep.
You know, I always wanted a dog.
My mom promised me one if I got straight As,
so I studied my ass off.
Then she claimed she was allergic.
That's okay,
'cause I was lying about my grades.
Crazy, right?
It's our wedding night all over again.
Okay, sweetie.
So now we are gonna spell "Welcome" on our cake,
and we're gonna bring it to our new neighbors.
Go ahead and give that a good squeeze.
There you go, yeah...
Don't go too big with the W.
We still got six more letters to go.
Pace yourself, babe.
Okay, uppercase. U-uppercase!
Okay, you know what? I'm just not gonna look.
Good morning.
Why are you two so happy?
We are making a coconut cake for our new neighbors.
Two boys.
That's right, sweetie, because...
There's more than one way to live.
- So they still get a cake. - Yeah.
Yeah, I thought we were totally pro cake.
I am pro cake.
I'm just not pro these new neighbors.
- I don't like the way that they... - Live?
- No, no. - God no.
I'm trying to teach Sadie that Laurie Lane
is a community where we do things for each other.
You know, and obviously it's important to them too,
because look what they left on our doorstep this morning.
They gave them to everybody on the block.
Lotion.
So I'm supposed to forgive their barking dog
because they left me a tube of...
Mountain Huckleberry?
Yeah.
I'm gonna have to refrost that cake.
Whatever Sadie drew looks like a swastika with a smiley face.
Hey, babe?
You know how we've been saving up for a treadmill?
I was thinking, what if, instead, we got a dog?
- Nope. - Hear me out.
What do you do on a treadmill?
Walk.
What do you with a dog?
Walk. What?
Tiny difference.
I do want a treadmill; I don't want a dog.
Come on.
When I was single,
I was on the road keeping odd hours.
But now I'm married. I think we can handle a dog.
See what you just said?
You said "we."
When you say "we," it really means "me,"
like the time you said we should go
to that Halloween party as ketchup and mustard,
then you showed up as Batman.
We were Batman and mustard.
To be fair,
mustard has way better super powers than Robin does.
Don't try to change the subject.
You can't be responsible for a dog.
You can't even keep plants alive.
Everything you touch dies.
I bet your phone's dead right now.
No, no, it's not.
Boom!
Still got 2%.
- Hello! - You know what?
Let's just talk about this later.
That just means you're gonna say no later.
Fine. I'll just say no now.
But I've already researched the breed.
Damn.
Can I borrow your charger?
I lost mine. Come...
No complaints.
- Be nice. - You be nice!
- Hi. - Well, hell
Mitch and Tracy from across the street.
Steve. It's nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you. - Is that coconut?
Wow, nice to meet you.
Hi, I'm Stephen.
Oh, okay, two Steves.
Stephen. He's Steve.
It's one of the problems with same-sex relationships that nobody talks about.
That and my mother telling me I'm going to hell.
I'm kidding. She died.
She's waiting for me there.
She's alive and well. She lives in Phoenix.
- Well, thank you for fact - checking my joke.
She's dead to me.
Just wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood
and thank you for the lotion.
Oh, gosh, we just can't get enough of this smell.
I'm sorry, Stephen is a sales associate for Natra-lotion.
Half our moving van was full of ointments.
And if you'd like to buy more, I can sign you up for a month...
Babe, babe, we just met these nice people.
Maybe we can just hold off a few days
on the hard sell on the lotion.
You mean the lotion that paid for this house?
That must be Sadie.
Yeah, how'd you know?
Well, 'cause they now live on Laurie Lane,
and they're fitting right in.
That, and her name is all over our sidewalk in chalk.
And Stephen was just trying to figure out who Sadie is.
So I can tell her to stop.
Seriously.
What Stephen is saying is that while we enjoy Sadie's art,
the chalk dust agitates our dog's sinuses.
Oh, that's a real thing?
Apparently.
Cosby's very sensitive.
You named your dog Cosby?
I'm sure that was a long time ago.
Yes, 14 years ago when we rescued him,
Cosby was America's dad.
We couldn't change the name,
but we did have to get rid of his adorable sweater collection.
So, yeah, if you could keep your sidewalk chalk
on your side of the street, that would be super great.
I'm just saying.
Okay, well, while the floor is open to super-great ideas...
Trace...
Is your dog gonna bark all night?
'Cause it's keeping our daughter awake.
But she fell right back asleep.
In our bed.
Cosby needs time to adjust.
Maybe our baby could sleep indoors.
Maybe.
No chalk there.
We should do this again soon.
- Yes, it's been amazing. - Okay.
Daddy, if Cosby's their baby, then who's the mommy?
Amazing.
So I found an answer to our dog problem.
- We don't have a dog problem. - Not anymore.
Bam!
This is Peanut. Peanut, this is Angie.
Angie, this is Peanut.
So you just unilaterally decided we were getting a dog?
How is that different than you
unilaterally deciding that we weren't?
It's different in that we now have a dog.
Relax. You know my buddy Chris.
He's doing stand-up on the road this week,
so I told him I'd take care of Peanut.
Look, once you see how well this goes,
we can get our own dog.
Great, it's like winning a pie-eating contest
where the prize is more pie.
Don't worry, I got this.
Hey, stop chewing on that.
You'll see how responsible I am.
You have no idea what you've gotten yourself into.
Could you have a little faith in your man?
I was talking to the dog.
But the dog's not barkin.
But maybe we didn't need to say anything.
Maybe Stephen was right.
The dog just needed time to adjust.
Or was it Steve? I already have them confused.
- It was girl Steve. - Whoa.
You can't say that.
But you knew which one I was talking about.
I did.
Oh, my God. I see what's happening here.
You're trying harder with these guys
because they're gay.
What?
No. No!
I don't want this to be Briggs with the figs all over again.
- Plus... - Yes, I don't want to seem homophobic.
Yeah.
- And you like them? - The Steves are great.
They have a cabin up in Mammoth
they said we could use any time.
Now, I don't do wilderness, but that's very sweet.
They even brought us a coconut cake.
Can you please let Mitch know about this?
- Hey, ladies. - Hold up.
You can't just walk up in here like you're not wearing a dog.
This must be Peanut.
You like this? It's an ergonomic dog carrier.
The Steves recommended it. It's good for the back.
Yours or his?
His. My back is killing me.
I also gassed up your car, grabbed our dry cleaning,
and got you a coffee.
Don't be jealous.
I'm not used to this, but I could get used to this.
Somebody is a little rumbly in the tumbly.
We should go for a walk so we don't have another accident.
I mean, a first accident.
I got to say,
when Russell said he could take care of a dog,
I had my doubts, but it's pretty impressive.
Oh, I got to run next door.
Sadie's Doc McStuffins video is almost over.
Don't look at me like that.
You'll be doing the same thing soon enough.
Russell's already got the dog.
It's only a matter of time before he wants the kid.
But thank you for keeping Cosby quiet last night,
which is why I specifically chose this dog toy
as an olive branch.
Symbolic, even though real olive branches don't...
Huh?
So whatever you did to keep him quiet last night,
keep it up.
Well, the reason that you didn't hear him last night
is because he wasn't here.
- He was at the vet's. He's sick. - Oh, my God.
So you can see why we don't want to keep it up.
No, obviously. I'm so sorry.
- Is he okay? - We're not sure.
He's a fighter, though.
He's outlived two veterinarians.
So to recap, super-clever olive branch,
hope Cosby rebounds... Your Cosby...
And gay marriage? Fantastic.
Uh, we're not married.
It's a sensitive subject.
Trace, I can't do it. I don't want to do it.
I'm not having kids. It would just ruin my life.
So I'm just gonna go grab a juice box.
Well, at least this time I didn't curse.
Okay, what's happening with you?
It's this stupid, adorable dog.
It's a gateway.
If Russell wants a dog, he's gonna want kids.
- Who said that? - You said that.
I said that, 'cause it's true.
For some people.
When Russell and I got married,
we both agreed we weren't having kids.
I'm a pediatrician.
I take care of kids all day, and at night,
I come home to a 32-year-old kid.
I know it's not a popular stance,
but I've never wanted children.
See?
If I was a mom, I'd have to clean that up.
It's so embarrassing. I keep stepping in it.
I just want to have a good relationship with our neighbors.
I'm not giving up on these guys.
- Because they're gay? - And not because they're gay.
Hey, guys.
- Hey. - Hey.
- Did you guys hear about Cosby? - What did that man do now?
Right? But wrong Cosby.
He's talking about the Steves' dog.
Oh, my God.
Is word getting around of what happened with me and the Steves?
No, although I did hear about the squeaky stick you got him.
I noticed Peanut didn't get his yet.
Anyway, the procedure Cosby needs is $2,000.
That's like $100,000 in dog dollars.
They're having a fundraiser to cover the expenses.
They asked us to help pass out flyers.
What? They just moved in.
They can't ask people for money for their dog.
You can't put a price tag on love.
Well, they did. $50 a person.
Unbelievable.
And since you're already pissed off,
I should tell you that they regifted us your cake.
Finally got my cake.
It's ridiculous.
The Steves have been on the block for two days, and they're throwing a fundraiser
for their geriatric dog?
There you are. There you are!
Baby, welcome back.
No, no, no, they can't do this.
You can't make your household bills someone else's problems.
Our electric bill is pretty steep,
but you don't see me asking Doug and Diane up the street to chip in.
The Steves are nice guys,
and this fundraiser is voluntary.
Is it?
When someone guilt trips you with their dying dog,
you kind of have to do it.
Oh, you mean like the way Tracy guilts us
with Sadie's cute face, taking her door-to-door
peddling overpriced wrapping paper?
Every school doesn't need a band, Tracy.
Look, everyone loves the Steves.
And who wouldn't?
Who moves into a neighborhood and gives everyone on the block a gift?
A gift?
You mean that lotion that Stephen's slinging?
That incredibly fragrant lotion was not free.
He gave us all just a little taste,
'cause he knows that we're gonna come back for more.
And more.
Next thing you know, you're on the street
selling that sweet ass of yours for another hit of Night-blooming Jasmine.
Well, the whole neighborhood is planning on going,
but if you don't want to go, don't go.
- Oh, we're not going. - Oh, we're absolutely going.
It's like I'm new here.
We can't be the only ones on the block who don't go.
We're part of a community.
No, no, no, we're going.
Yeah, we're gonna give them 100 bucks
and fill up on whatever fancy high-end dinner they serve.
It's a potluck.
Oh, no.
We do not sit on furniture in my house.
Is that Russell's Gucci high-top?
Ooh, you're gonna get it.
You are gonna get it.
Russell! Russell, come quick!
- Yeah, baby, what? - Look.
Look what Taco Bell did.
- Oh, not my Gucci high-top. - I know!
After all you've done for him.
But that's a dog for you:
unpredictable, selfish, evil.
Hold on now.
This is a teachable moment.
How should we approach this?
He should see us as a parental unit.
Well, come on, get mad.
He ruined your favorite sneakers.
Shoes are just things, Angie.
I don't even know who you are anymore.
Honey, let's not fight in front of...
Mm... mm.
Peanut.
Trace, we're doing this.
Just a quick in and out.
We're just gonna show our support,
give our money...
find out where they got this area rug.
It's like I'm walking on a cloud.
Get a load of that banner.
Unbelievable.
Hey, Robbie. How'd the science fair go?
Your mom told me that your volcano
exploded all over the multipurpose room.
I want to see pictures, buddy, okay?
Put that up on the dream board.
We'll see what happens, huh?
Mitch, Tracy.
Thank you so much for coming
and showing your love for our baby.
Right.
Here's a check from the Coopers.
Tracy Cooper, Esquire. Oh, you're a lawyer?
That explains things.
Mitch, can I steal you for a second?
Yeah.
Tell me you've seen Peanut.
Yes, Russell, I've seen him,
and I've seen the pictures. Very cute.
No, no, he's missing.
I must have left the gate open.
If Angie finds out that I lost Peanut,
it's gonna look like I can't keep track of a dog.
Well, you kind of can't.
Fair point. Maybe somebody took him.
That's ridiculous.
Who in this neighborhood would take a dog?
- Yes, I took the dog. - What?
Why?
Because I had to shut this down.
I don't want kids,
and I thought Russell would fail on his own, but I needed to help him a little bit.
See?
He can't even fail without my help.
Maybe this really is just about a dog,
and he's just trying to show you he can be responsible.
But he's not. He lost the dog.
Because you kidnapped him.
Exactly.
If I kidnap Sadie,
doesn't that make you a bad parent?
Look, Angie, why don't you just talk to Russell
and see where his head's at?
For what it's worth, if you ever change your mind
about wanting to have kids, I think he'd make a great dad.
Damn it, Peanut, stop humping my wallet.
Hey, have you seen this dog?
No, cute.
Look, this is him running,
and this is him with reading glasses on.
Oh, well, he's not in this one,
but this is me looking at him wearing reading glasses.
Russell, look who I found.
Peanut, there you are.
Oh, I was so worried about you, buddy.
That was scary, wasn't it?
Where'd you find him?
In my purse. I kind of kidnapped him.
Why?
Look, I'm sorry I stole your dog.
It's just... don't take this the wrong way,
but I didn't expect you to rise to the occasion.
Me neither. No one saw that coming.
And I was just worried
that if you thought you could take care of a dog
that you would want a little Russell running around the house.
A dog is not a kid, Angie.
Then why did you buy him a stroller?
The point is, if things have changed,
and you do want kids, I want you to know that...
No. No.
Kids? God no.
Caring for a dog is hard enough.
The lack of sleep, the disciplining, the steak.
I've been feeding him steak.
But kids?
That's magnified by, like, a thousand.
So... you don't want kids?
No. I'm not cut out for that kind of responsibility.
Can I tell you something?
I don't even know what day it is.
Trust me, we're on the same page.
Yeah.
Same page.
Babe, look around.
All these people. $50 a head.
Yeah, the Steves have raised way over 2 grand.
With that kind of money, they could fix both Cosbys.
Thank you so much.
- They're still collecting. - More like stealing.
Let's grab Sadie and get out of here.
Hey, no! No.
Bad. Bad girl.
What's going on?
Your hyperactive daughter bumped into the table
and almost broke our statue.
But she's just a child.
We can't blame a child for being a child.
No, but we can blame the parents who can't control their child.
Excuse me?
- Control our child? - Trace.
No, Mitch, I'm doing this.
No, Trace, I'm doing this.
Control our child?
How about controlling your dog?
You let it bark all night
without any regard to the neighborhood.
How are you guys all falling for this?
And here we go.
Let me tell you something.
This little fundraiser of theirs made a profit today.
Yeah, that's right.
They exploited the love of Laurie Lane.
You know, there are two types of people in this world:
people who, when there's a problem,
go, "It's probably me," and people who go,
"It's definitely them."
I lean towards "definitely them."
So while we'd all love to welcome you to the neighborhood,
we'd also like to remind you that there is a social contract,
and you sir and sir,
are in major, major violation.
It's definitely you.
It's a dog, an old-ass dog.
It was an old-ass dog.
- Uh-huh. - Oh.
- Uh-huh. - Really?
He's just gonna take a call while I'm talking.
Thank you.
Cosby's gone.
It's probably me.
Yeah.
I know there's still some hard feelings,
but the Steves had something to say.
It's Steve and Stephen.
Look, we know you had concerns
about where the extra money was going.
Did I say that?
Well, we thought about it, and we decided
that we should give the money back to the neighborhood.
You know Robbie, the little boy whose mother is getting a divorce?
Well, his birthday is coming up.
And they used the money to give him a nice gift from Laurie Lane.
That's very nice of you.
It was actually...
Stephen's idea.
Yes, yes, it was.
Didn't know Robbie was into drums.
Want me to say something to his mom?
Uh, no, I think you've done enough.
- I want a drum set. - Shh.