Ripped By mstoll
All right, who did this?
This is the most regressive, childish,
immature thing I have ever seen in my life.
I did the teeth.
I did the mustache.
I did the beard.
Who did the antennas?
I think he always had those, honey.
- -The man was crying out for antennas!
I had a Magic Marker. Who could resist?
Hey, what's going on?
I mean, I could barely hear myself blow-dry my hair.
Well, you wouldn't be interested, Mal;
we're talking about the election.
Oh, really, Alex? Are you forgetting something?
I'm voting this year.
Nick and I went down and registered.
I guess this means
they've abolished that literacy requirement.
Have you decided who you're voting for, Mallory?
- No, not yet. - Well, honey, we've got
some Dukakis literature upstairs, if you're interested.
I have some Bush literature that I think is very helpful
in defining the differences between the two candidates.
Dentists also use it when they run out of Novocain.
Can you vote? Can you vote?
Alex, Alex, listen!
What are you...
Sorry to interrupt your quiet morning at home.
Uh, sorry, we, uh, we get a little passionate around here
- come election time. - Well, have you
decided who you're gonna vote for, Lauren?
- Because we have some literature upstairs. - Hey, Mom, Mom, Mom.
Just give me a little bit of credit here, okay?
Lauren and I have discussed the issue,
and I think she feels the same way as I do about this.
Oh, you've really got her under your thumb, son.
Andy, you... you want to get Lauren
another one of those Bush T-shirts?
Okay, but I think we're out of mediums.
I'm not gonna vote for Bush.
For one, I've never fully accepted his explanation
of his involvement in the Iran-Contra affair.
Bush had an affair?
Well, not-not really, Mal.
The Iran-Contra scandal.
Wait a minute, Dad... "scandal" is a loaded word.
Y-You're right, you're right.
The Iran-Contra prank.
- Wait, he had an affair in Iran? - This is the kind of political
back-and-forth we have here.
Listen, listen...
Hold it, hold it, hold it!
Wait a minute!
That is enough election talk.
For the past month, it's been nothing
but Dukakis-Bush around here.
And, you know, I think we care more
about the election than they do.
Maybe we ought to get away from
this media hype for a while, huh?
Go somewhere where there's no... television,
no radio, no telephone...
Oh, I'm sorry.
Breathe, breathe.
Um, look, um...
Do you guys remember those weekend camping trips
we used to take up to the Sandusky campgrounds?
Oh, oh, I loved those weekends.
Friday, we'd leave after dinner,
and we'd drive all through the night.
And my favorite part was in the car.
- We'd play word games and we'd sing. - Oh, boy.
Guys.
I think we know where you're going with this.
Well, what do you say?
Let's do it again, this weekend.
Um, I can't make it this weekend, Dad.
I mean, camping was fun when we were younger,
but that's when I was wearing Earth shoes.
And I have a history report on Ancient Greece
I want to get started on.
Well, okay.
It was just a thought.
Well, hey, just the two of us can go.
We can still have fun, despite these spoilsports.
Oh, come on, Elyse.
It won't be any fun with just the two of us.
I mean, it'll be too much fun with just the two of us.
Coming.
Hey, hey, Alex.
Hey.
Hey, what are you guys up to, huh?
Well, I'm trying to get Lauren to wear this T-shirt.
Oh, I know that guy. I know who that is.
I... I seen him on TV.
That's, uh...
Orville Redenbacher.
This is George Bush.
You're voting this year, Nick.
You're supposed to know this stuff.
I mean, how... how are you gonna decide
who you're gonna vote for this year?
Uh, you know, I'm not too sure.
I'm gonna have to leave it up to Mel;
she's the brains behind this couple.
I weep for this nation.
Hey. Hey.
Well, hey, what's going on here, huh?
Oh, Mr. Keaton and Andy and I are going camping this weekend.
Just the three of you?
Everybody else is busy.
It's no big deal.
So, uh, you guys all ready to go?
Yeah, I think so.
Let me just check this list again,
see if we've got everything.
- Uh, tent? - Oh, check.
- Flashlight? - Check.
- Family? - Ooh.
Oh, sorry.
Never mind.
Dad, are you really upset about us not going?
Oh, no!
Don't be silly. I was just kidding.
No big deal.
Anyway, you guys are all busy.
You have your own lives to lead.
What about me? Do I have my own life?
You're too young to have your own life.
The last thing we want to do is make you guys feel guilty.
Absolutely.
Let your conscience be your guide.
Not you, Alex.
Mr. Keaton, could you give me a ride to my apartment?
Oh, sure thing, Lauren.
God knows we've got enough room in the car.
Just kidding! Kidding!
All right, on we go, campers.
- On, you huskies! - You watch the house.
Just take it with you, okay? Just take it.
- All right, all right. - Drive safely.
- Bye. - See you later, guys. Okay.
Bye-bye. See you.
I don't feel guilty.
Yeah, me neither.
They need some bonding time with Andy anyway.
And camping trips are always such a mess.
Hey, Alex, remember that time you got poison ivy
and nobody wanted to sit next to you on the way home?
How could I not remember that?
You don't forget driving 200 miles
strapped to a ski rack.
It's always cold at night,
and the tent's always collapsing.
Yeah, or it rains.
Yeah, you get sick.
That's funny. You know, when I was a kid,
I always wanted my parents to take me camping.
I mean, they took me to the woods once,
but they just left me there and went home.
I...
Anyway, I always imagined sitting out there at night
around the campfire.
Everybody being together, cuddling up to stay warm.
Roasting marshmallows.
Well, it seemed like it could be fun.
Sometimes it was nice.
Yeah, like when Mom would play her guitar.
Yeah, or we'd just sit and look at the stars.
I... I found ten dollars in the woods once.
We should've gone.
I know.
Yeah, it's true.
And, you know, Mom and Dad... they're getting old.
They're deteriorating rapidly.
All they've got left are their memories.
Memories.
Like the corners of their minds.
I think we should go out there and surprise them.
Misty...
water-colored memories.
That is a great idea, Jen.
I'm gonna go get the sleeping bags.
- Well, I'll get the road maps. - Okay.
Alex, do you think we could speed it up a little bit?
I have to be back for my graduation in two years.
Jennifer, I am not about to go hot-rodding around
for your amusement.
We're only going 35.
An old woman just passed us.
That's fine.
Let that old woman drive as fast as she wants.
She was on foot.
Yeah, come on, Alex.
I can't wait to get up there and see Mom and Dad.
Boy, they're gonna be surprised to see us.
Especially me.
I hope they don't scream or anything.
Look, why don't you all just relax, okay?
Enjoy the drive.
The freedom and exhilaration of the open road,
the wind flowing through your hair.
There's no wind at this speed.
It's really deserted out here. Where are we?
Um... I don't know, I don't know.
Jen, let me see that map.
All righty. Let's see.
This is a map of Ancient Greece, Jen.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh? Uh-oh, what uh-oh?
I had the maps right next to my history homework.
Oh.
- I must have taken the wrong one. - Great.
Great. How are we supposed to know where we are?
I'd say we're about 50 miles from downtown Sparta.
Well, let's do something.
Like what?
Anything.
Hey, remember what we used to do
during those long rides down to the campgrounds?
Hold Jennifer out the window?
No, no, not that.
No, we used to play the word games and stuff.
Oh-oh, hey, hey, I got one.
How about 20 Questions?
You know, where somebody thinks of a person,
and everybody else has 20 questions to guess who it is?
Okay, okay, okay, I'll start.
Okay, I've got someone!
Okay, ask away.
Okay, is this person living or dead?
Neither.
I see hours of fun-filled entertainment ahead.
It's not really a person, it's more of a thing.
Like a fictional character or something?
Exactly.
Is it Mickey Mouse?
Yes!
Oh, are we perfect for each other, or what?
It's like we're sending telepathic messages
to each other that nobody else can hear.
I'm sure no one's trying to listen in.
- What was that? - I don't know.
I'll check it out.
You got a flashlight?
Yeah, we have one in here.
Oh, good, it doesn't work.
Oh, I've got something that lights up.
My compact!
- All right, Mel, give him the compact. - Okay.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, we got big trouble.
What-what is it?
- It's the generator. - Oh.
For crying... not the generator.
Mm-hmm.
What does the generator do?
Well, without the generator, the battery's dead.
You know, we're not moving.
Well, let's look at the bright side:
We have plenty of time for 20 Questions.
Okay, okay, okay, I've got one.
Oh, all right.
Oh, it's really cold.
How long have we been out here?
About 45 minutes.
I can't believe we haven't seen a car.
We're not going to.
This road only goes up to Sandusky,
and if you were going camping, you'd be there already.
No, our only hope is to be rescued
by some other guilty children.
It's so dark out here.
I've never seen it this dark.
It's kind of scary.
I miss the mall.
Well, we can't just stand out here all night,
and it's too cold to sit in the car without the heater working.
I know. What else can we do?
I think we should go for help.
Out here at night?
I know it's dangerous, but I think we've got to try.
Yeah, I agree.
Good luck, Jenny.
Hey, hey, hey, I'll go with you, Jenny, all right?
All right, that's all right, that's all right, Nick.
That's all right, I'll go, I'll go.
After all, she is my sister; I got to protect her.
Oh, here, take my compact case.
Oh, yeah, this will come in handy
in case we have to do any emergency eye-lining.
Oh, hey, and, uh, stay in sight of the road, huh?
- Yeah. - Yeah. - You know, they always say that
in those teenage horror movies
just before somebody gets hacked up.
Jen, you got the map?
Yeah.
All right.
Okay, we'll just head this way, towards the Parthenon.
I hope they'll be all right.
You really care about him, don't you?
Hmm.
No.
I just want my compact back.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, come on.
I know how you guys are.
You make fun of each other and everything,
but deep down you guys really care about each other.
You know, that's what makes you Keatons such a tight family.
Hope I'm in a family like that someday.
Well, you will be, Nick.
Someday we'll get married.
That is if we're not eaten by a coyote
- or bear first. - Hey.
No coyote or bear's gonna keep me from marrying you.
It's your father I'm worried about.
Oh, hey, listen, Nick.
As long as we're out here, I want to tell you something
my father told me.
But he made me promise never to tell you,
so you can't let him know I told you.
Shoot.
Okay.
One day, completely out of the blue,
he says to me, "Mallory,
"I guess it's not totally inconceivable
that you could've done worse than Nick."
You think he really meant it?
I do, Nick, I really do.
Aw, God.
And all this time, I thought he didn't like me.
It's beautiful, isn't it?
Yeah, I'll say.
You know, you look up, up at them stars,
and you just can't help thinking.
Thinking.
Nick, sometimes you are so deep.
Oh, look.
Mating season has already begun.
What happened? How come you guys are back?
Well, we got a little ways up the road and we saw this sign,
50 miles."
Great. Now what?
Well, I guess we could set up camp here.
Oh, yeah, let's set up camp here.
What are we, the Swiss Family Robinson?
This is all right.
Clean air, smell of pine, the moon high above,
the thrill of being at one with nature.
God, what I wouldn't give for a Holiday Inn.
Oh, stop whining, Gumby.
We should've gone with Mom and Dad.
I mean, what would've been the big deal?
I know. Well, it was kind of selfish, I mean,
when you think of all that they've done for us.
It's all gonna come back to us, Jen.
One day, we'll be asking our kids to go places with us,
and they'll tell us they're too busy.
It's not gonna happen with mine, Mal.
Oh, it happens to every kid and their parents, Alex.
Nope, nope, not mine.
No, my kids are gonna be on a straight commission basis.
Two dollars for a hug.
Five dollars for a kiss.
And for an "I don't want to go to Aunt Mallory's house,"
50 bucks and a set of American Tourister luggage.
Well, we're not gonna be like that with our kids.
- Are we, Nick? - Mm-mm, no way.
Our kids are gonna love us
whether we give them luggage or not.
We're gonna be very close to Nick Jr. And Nicolette Jr.
Or little Mallory and little Mallomar.
Mallomar?
Make that a hundred bucks for not wanting
to go to Aunt Mallory's house.
I bet Mom and Dad and Andy are having a great time right now.
They're probably roasting marshmallows.
Uh, Dad's probably doing that, uh,
Indian moon dance he's so fond of.
The one where he's kind of a cross
between Geronimo and...
Ginger Rogers.
They're probably starting in on
"A Hundred Bottles of Beer on the Wall" right now.
By now, we'd probably be on to your version.
What's your version, Mal?
Oh, it's silly, Nick.
That never stopped you before.
- Do it, Mallory. - Well...
Yeah, yeah.
Shh! Car, car.
Hey, hey, don't interrupt the song.
- Oh, hey, hey! - The car!
Hey, hey, hey!
It's Mom and Dad! It's Mom and Dad!
- It's Mom and Dad! - I know who it is, hey!
What are you doing here?
- What's happening? Why are you here? - Wait, wait.
All right, hey, hold it. One at a time.
What are you guys doing here?
We were on our way up to Sandusky.
Yeah, we were gonna surprise you, but the car broke down.
- Oh, that's so sweet. - You guys are great.
Well, what are you guys doing here?
Well... oh, I don't know, I guess it just
didn't feel right up there without you.
It didn't have that good old-time family feeling.
There was no one to heckle my Indian moon dance.
I heckled.
So did I.
Yeah, it just wasn't the same.
I guess we missed you guys.
Oh-ho, hey, thanks.
We missed you, too.
Oh, good, Nick.
That-that... that means a lot.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, Mr. Keaton.
- Hmm? - Look, uh,
I know how you feel about me.
And, uh, I mean, let's put it this way.
It's not totally inconceivable
that Mallory could've done worse than me.
You told him.
Just drop everything right here.
We can straighten it all up in the morning.
Well, this turned out great.
We logged over 500 miles,
- and not a marshmallow was roasted. - I'm sorry.
I hope we didn't make you feel
like you had to follow us up there.
It's just some crazy idea we had.
No, no, no, Mom, it was our fault.
We should've gone with you.
Yeah, we felt guilty about not going
up there in the first place.
Well, uh, maybe next time.
You mean, we have to do this again?
It's usually not this bad, Andy, believe me.
Yeah, normally we sit around the fire,
we have a nice big dinner... beans out of little tin cups.
Which reminds me, I'm really hungry.
Jen, check it out, I got something here for you.
Ew, what's that?
Well, it's just like beef jerky,
but it's only healthier.
It's turkey jerky.
See, I-I keep it in my pocket, and by the end of the day,
it's cooked.
I'll just stick with the marshmallows.
Hey, look, we're camping.
And, uh...
I notice there's a full moon out there tonight.
No, Dad, no! - No, no!
- Please, no, no. - I'm just... okay.
All right. Come on, come on.
Oh, you know what?
I'm kind of glad this camping trip didn't work out.
Me, too.
I mean, look at how much fun we're having.
You can't plan moments like this.
They've got to sneak up on you.
I know what you mean; it's like if you've got a big party
to go to and you buy a very special outfit,
maybe a plaid skirt with a black blouse... No, no, no!
Uh, a lavender suit with a matching scarf with paisley
- with a little bit of... - Mal, Mal, Mal.
Just kind of move it along.
Oh.
Oh, right and anyway, um,
you get to the party, and it's not that great.
But on the way home, uh, you see a beautiful moon,
or a big orange cat comes and rubs itself up against your leg.
Yeah, or a complete stranger leaps out of the darkness
and gives you a stock tip.
Yeah, exactly.
Anyway, just for a minute, it's a special moment.
You could never have planned it.
Is this a special moment?
You bet it is, pal.
Very special.
That reminds me of something that John Lennon once said.
"Life is what happens to you
when you're busy making other plans."
John who?
Oh, boy, do I feel old.
One of the Beatles, honey.
What are the Beatles?
Oh, no, now I feel old.
Ripped By mstoll
Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.