♪ ♪
(no voice)
♪ I bet we've been together for a million years ♪
♪ And I bet we'll be together for a million more ♪
♪ Oh, it's like I started breathing ♪
♪ On the night we kissed ♪
♪ And I can't remember what I ever did before ♪
♪ What would we do, baby, without us? ♪
♪ And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through ♪
♪ What would we do, baby, without us? ♪
Ripped By mstoll
Hey, Mal, you want to play catch?
No, I don't really feel like it, Andy.
Ask Alex.
M'kay.
Alex?
Alex!
(Alex mutters)
Ah! Geez!
Alex, you want to play catch?
No, but I'd like to change seats.
- (Nick grunts) - Nick?
- Hmm? - Nick?
Nick, you want to play catch?
Come on, babe, whip it in here.
Oh, Andy, honey, this isn't the place to play ball.
Sorry, Mom.
Hey, you're good.
You don't drop it as much as Dad.
That's true.
I used to be a... a pretty good ballplayer.
For a girl.
For a guy.
Yeah, all the females in this family
are better athletes than the males.
How 'bout you, Mal?
Were you good, too?
Well, you know, if I wanted to,
I could have been a great athlete, Andy.
But I just hate to sweat.
You know... you know who's a good athlete, though, Andy?
- Who? - Nick.
Watch this. Catch, honey.
Come on, babe, whip it in here.
Oh, what am I doing?
I-I forgot where I was.
I'm sitting here laughing
and my husband's in surgery.
LAUREN: That's okay, Mrs. Keaton.
There's nothing wrong with laughing.
It helps to relieve the tension.
Yeah, absolutely, Mom.
Look at Shakespeare.
Any time the going got rough in one of his plays,
and the-and the tension was unbearable,
big Bill would bring out some comic relief.
You know, a clown, a-a buffoon, a fool.
(elevator bell dings)
There you guys are.
Amazing. Life imitates art.
Well, thank you.
It-it's very sweet of you to come, Skippy.
Aw, Mrs. Keaton, I would have been here sooner.
They gave me wrong info down at the desk.
Instead of Steven Keaton,
they sent me to a Stephanie Kelton,
who was in for a liposuction.
What?
It went extremely well, she looks great.
I-In fact, as soon as she gets out,
I'm invited to her house
for an evening of aerobic dancing.
Well, sit down,
make yourself comfortable.
I, uh, brought some things to cheer up Mr. Keaton,
and I didn't know what he wanted,
so I brought an assortment.
Here's flowers, chocolates, archery set, uh...
oh, and this Slinky is for you, Mrs. Keaton.
I hope you don't mind... it's slightly used.
It's my dad's.
That's very sweet, Skippy.
- Mrs. Keaton? - Huh? Yes, yes?
I have some good news.
The surgery is completed, and it went very well.
- (Mallory squeals) - Oh, thank you.
Thank you, Doctor. If it's okay,
- can-can we go see him? - No, no, no, not yet.
He's in the coronary care unit.
Everything looks good, but we have to go slowly.
Now we have to wait and see how his heart
adapts to the surgical procedure.
Wait, wait, so-so it's not
- really over yet? - No, no, not yet.
The next few hours are going to be critical.
Thank you, thank you for your good work.
His will to live is extraordinary.
He obviously has a lot to live for.
And I think I'm looking at it right now.
Thank you.
Oh! Oh.
- Yay! - Yay.
Oh... (sighing, chuckling)
I just wish we could see him.
Oh, honey, just be grateful that the surgery went so well
and just know that we're gonna have our daddy with us soon.
♪ ♪
I can't wait to see E.T. again.
- Me, too. - Where's Mom?
We're all set to go, she's not here.
Well, uh, she had a bunch of meetings.
She's probably stuck in traffic.
Well, we sure can't go without her.
We sure can't.
She has the car.
No, I mean it wouldn't be fun unless we all go anyway.
You know, the whole family.
Well, it's sweet to hear you say that.
All right, let's do it, let's go.
We can't go yet. Mom's not back.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but why-why can't we just,
you know, leave her a note and catch a cab?
Fine plan. Ditch Mom.
That's not what I meant.
Well, no, that is what I meant.
What does E.T. Stand for?
It means "Elyse Tardy."
It means "Extra Terrestrial."
What does that mean?
Over to you, Jen.
It means not of this earth.
Otherworldly.
- Yeah. Think Mallory. - MALLORY: Oh, that's it, Dad.
- I am not going! - Oh...
He's been doing this to me all day.
Why, Alex?
Why do you persist in tormenting your sister?
It's a hobby.
All right, Mal.
I'm sorry, Mal, okay?
I didn't mean to upset you.
Please forgive me.
All right, I'll forgive you.
I'll go.
Now that...
was beautiful to witness.
That's maturity.
(Mallory sighs)
Thank you, Dad.
(scoffs)
He meant me.
(laughs) He didn't mean you, he was looking right at me.
You were looking at me. You meant me, right, Dad?
Wait, what was that, was that a snort?
- Are you snorting at me now? - I was not.
- What's happening? - Dad, you were talking to me, right?
Oh, come on.
I retract the statement.
You know, we all want to go to this movie,
but it's not the most important thing in the world.
I mean, just look around.
We're all together.
Granted, your mother is missing.
But all of us are here.
And we have a beautiful home.
People who truly care for each other.
We're all healthy... and happy...
Here it comes.
When I was a boy,
many, many moons ago,
going to a...
a movie show, as we called it in those days,
was a very, very rare and special event.
Now, many nights...
many nights, my mom and dad and Rob and I
would entertain ourselves.
Do you know what we used to do?
Churn butter?
No, Jennifer.
No, we'd sing.
- Aw, Dad, please. - ♪ She'll... ♪
Do you want me to beg? Is that what?
♪ Be... ♪
♪ Comin' round the mountain when she comes ♪
♪ She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes ♪
Yahoo.
♪ She'll be comin' round the mountain ♪
♪ She'll be comin' round that mountain ♪
♪ She'll be coming round the mountain ♪
♪ When she comes ♪
♪ She'll be riding six white horses ♪
- Oh... - ♪ When she comes ♪
♪ She'll be riding six white horses when she comes ♪
ALL: ♪ She'll be riding six white horses ♪
♪ She'll be riding six white horses ♪
♪ She'll be riding six white horses when she comes ♪
♪ She was really stuck in traffic or she'd come ♪
- Oh, yeah. - ♪ She was really stuck ♪
- ♪ In traffic or she'd come ♪ - I'm sure.
♪ She's really, really sorry ♪
♪ But maybe if we hurry ♪
♪ We can all get to the movies ♪
- ♪ 'Cause she's come. ♪ - (speaking indistinctly)
(mumbling): ♪ She'll be riding six white horses ♪
♪ When she comes. ♪
Yahoo.
- What?! How's he doing? - (clamoring)
- What happened? - I was getting a cup of coffee.
OTHERS: Oh.
ELYSE: This is ridiculous.
Why-why don't you guys all just go home,
and if anything happens, I'll call you.
Hey, absolutely not. Absolutely not.
Look, you're the one who's exhausted.
Why don't you go home, and if anything happens,
we'll just... we'll call you.
Absolutely not.
Sounds to me like we're all staying.
Uh, unless we all go home,
and then they could give us a call.
Or-or-or-or they could go home,
and we could call them.
One way or the other,
I want you to go home.
- Mrs. Keaton? - Y-yes?
Your husband's awake.
(gasps): Can-can we all?
- Yes, yeah. - Oh. - Oh, oh, oh.
You can see him right now if you like.
- Okay, wait. - Shh, shh. - Okay.
(rhythmic beeping)
(Steven inhales and exhales loudly)
- Hi. - Hi.
I made it.
I'm alive.
Mm.
Or is this heaven?
Hey! (laughs)
I guess not.
(sighing) It's gonna be great to have Dad home again.
Ah.
When are Mom and Dad coming in?
Well, it's gonna take a minute or two
to walk up the driveway, Andy.
Dad's gonna be a little slower for a while.
Yeah, that's right. Now remember, when Dad walks in,
we have to act really nice, Alex.
What? What?
Come on, what are you talking about?
Well, let's face it, Alex. You're just not nice.
Yeah, but I can act nice.
Did anyone notice that Dad was a little crabby on the way home?
Of course he's crabby, Mallory. He's been in the hospital.
- That could really get to you. - ALEX: Yeah.
That and the fact that Mallory wouldn't stop jabbering
- all the way home. - MALLORY: Alex,
I was try and make him feel comfortable.
Oh, you were jabbering.
The guy was trying to climb out the window, Mallory.
When's the last time you did... No, he wasn't, Alex.
(overlapping arguing)
What are you talking to me about?
Hello, Father.
And hello to you, Daughter.
Dad, welcome. Come, sit down, please.
Yes.
Care for a snack?
Or, uh, beverage of your choice?
Uh, may I brush your hair?
Please, guys.
You don't have to treat your father like a guest.
Sit down, honey. Please make yourself comfortable.
Someone will be along shortly to take your order.
Please stop.
I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm the same guy
I was ten days ago.
Just go do what you usually do.
Okay. I'm gonna go down to the bank
and see how the dollar is doing against the yen.
Attaboy, Andy.
I hope your brother and sisters will follow your example.
JENNIFER: Dad,
everything is normal.
But with a few little changes, we've decided
that your life around here should be easier now.
You won't have to lift a finger.
You know how no one ever wants to take out the garbage?
Well, Dad, I'm glad we're gonna do that for you.
Oh, Jen, please, let me do it.
Okay.
STEVEN: I say
again, could you all just go do what you normally do?
- Okay, Dad, just don't get upset. - I'm not upset.
- Well, 'cause the doctor said that... - I don't want to hear
the word "doctor."
Okay, the guy with the stethoscope said that you...
Please. Go.
Get on with your lives.
- Grow older. - ELYSE: Come on, everybody.
I know what you're trying to do, but it's...
Okay, I'll go read.
I'll go spend some quality time with my clothes.
Before I go, Dad, there's just... there's one little thing
I want to show you, okay? Just one, all right?
Dad, the incredible...
Stair Lift O-Matic.
O-Okay, Dad, think about it.
Sit yourself down,
and you will be zooming from basement to attic
in mere seconds.
Alex, that is absolutely out of the question.
We are not installing a chairlift in our house.
All right, Dad,
I wish you would've told me that before
'cause I got this incredible deal
on the Stair Lift O-Matic Stair Buster X-90.
Dad, it-it comes with rearview mirrors,
it comes with air-conditioning
and, uh, cruise control.
Oh, all right, look. Hol-Hold it.
I know what you're trying to do here, and it's...
it-it's all very nice, but-but there's no need for it.
Yes, I had a heart attack.
Yes, I've had open heart surgery but, no, I'm not an invalid.
All right, well...
do you mind if we get the Stair Buster for my own personal use?
Alex.
Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I just...
You know, I-I just... I love you,
- and I'm just happy that you're home. - Thank you.
- It-it comes in four colors. - Alex.
Are you okay?
I'm fine.
You seem a little edgy with the kids.
Well, excuse me, Elyse, if I'm not Mr. Congeniality.
I've got a few things on my mind, okay?
Well, if you've got to take it out
on someone, why don't you take it out on me?
I mean, they're just trying to help.
I don't know.
In the hospital, all I could think about
was how great it would feel
to walk... through that front door.
Now that I'm here... (sighs)
Why?
This is where it happened.
I fell right over here.
I'm afraid every time I walk in this room, I'll think about it.
I love this room.
I'm sure you're gonna love this house.
It's quite a charming fixer-upper.
It's got four bedrooms, three bathrooms
and there's a separate dining room over here.
Oh, Steven, this is beautiful.
Don't you think?
Well, yeah, yeah, Elyse. Yes, it is. But don't you think
it's also maybe a bit out of our price range?
Oh, we can manage it now that you got that promotion.
- Steven just got a job as program manager at WKS. - Yeah.
Public television.
Oh, yes, public television. How nice.
We don't get that.
Channel 3.
Oh, yes, I know. We had it, but we asked to have it removed.
Alex! Mallory! Come on in and look at the house!
- So, this is going to be your third child. - Hmm?
- Oh, yes. - Well, good luck.
Two children is something, but three can really
put you in the poorhouse.
Oh, thanks. Uh, you're quite a saleswoman.
You know, Mom, I've been doing some research
in the neighborhood... checking out resale values,
property taxes... and my conclusion is,
is this house is wildly overpriced.
Oh, aren't you a clever little fellow?
How would you like a nice stick of gum?
Don't change the subject, lady.
You're $7,000 over, and you know it.
- (laughs) - MALLORY: Mommy!
- Mommy! Mommy! - What is it, Mallory?
I love this house. You can see the mall from the front porch.
Maybe we can put your room out there.
Please, please, kids. I think we can handle this.
(chuckles)
(quietly): $7,000 over? Are you sure?
Were you happy with your tax return this year?
What's the closet space look like?
There's one in every room.
Well, we can add on.
Add on? You think it's that easy? Have you no sense
of zoning laws? Building codes? Housing agreements?
Oh, yeah? Richard Nixon has the cooties.
That's quite a comeback, Mallory.
Richard Nixon has the cooties,
and Tricia Nixon wears bad pantsuits.
Honey, your brother's going through a bad time.
(singsongy): Watergate. Watergate.
Nixon's going to jail.
- ALEX: That's it! - (Steven sighs)
They're sweet.
- Would you like to see the kitchen? - STEVEN: Oh, yeah.
Can we just talk together for a minute?
Oh, sure. Sure, take your time.
I'll be right in here with my ear to the door.
I'm getting real good vibes about this place, Steven.
Well, so am I, but she's got a lot of other houses to show us.
I don't need to see any other houses.
I mean, everything we need is right here.
All we need to do is open it up a little bit.
Oh, can't you just see it?
We can open up this stairway here,
put in a great big bay window right here in front and...
oh, we'll get this fireplace working.
That shouldn't be too hard.
Oh, Steven,
it-it could be wonderful.
What?
Nothing. It's just...
You're very beautiful when you get all architectural like that.
Oh, honey.
I can just see our family sitting in this living room.
You and I holding each other.
Mallory sitting on the sofa, talking on the phone.
Alex on the sofa digging under cushions,
trying to find loose change.
Would you guys mind taking the small bedroom?
Can I borrow some turtle food?
Hey, wait a minute. You're not the Epsteins.
Well, no, we're the Keatons.
Hi, I'm Skippy Handleman from across the street.
ELYSE: Oh!
Well, these are our children, Alex and Mallory.
Va-va-va-voom.
Marry me! Marry me!
(Mallory screaming)
(screaming continues)
Well?
- Let's take it. (chuckling) - Oh, honey!
What am I gonna do, Elyse?
What am I gonna be like?
It's gonna be fine, honey.
How do you know that?
Well, you heard what the doctor said.
I don't want to hear the word "doctor."
I'm sorry.
You heard what the man with the stethoscope said.
It's gonna take some time to readjust.
What am I readjusting to?
What kind of a... what kind of a life am I gonna be living here?
Well, the-the same kind of life you led before.
You heard what they said... they said an active and full life.
What do they know?
Doctors.
Don't say "doctors."
You know what really worries me?
Matt Pearson.
Oh, yeah, well, he's been on everyone's mind.
Who is he?
Sales rep for PBS.
Big, brash, full of life kind of guy.
Huge fan of my documentaries.
I think his favorite was probably The Salmon:
From River King to Croquette.
Well, he sounds like one of our kind of people.
Anyway, six months ago,
he doesn't show up for the annual sales meeting.
And, uh, I ask about him.
Turns out he's had a heart attack.
He's five years younger than me, Elyse.
I saw him recently. Completely... different guy.
He looked terrible.
Thin, tired, skittish.
Scared of living.
Told me his doctor said he was as good as new.
He could do anything.
But he's afraid.
Afraid he's gonna get another heart attack.
Are you afraid?
I am.
Afraid of becoming another Matt Pearson;
a living, passionless...
ghost.
I need passion in my life, Elyse.
Passion for the kids, passion for my work...
passion for you.
Honey... it's all still there.
It's just gonna take some time.
I'm just thrilled with every minute I have with you.
I love you.
On second thought,
I don't think we're gonna have
to worry about that passion coming back.
Va-va-va-voom.
Ripped By mstoll
MAN: Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.
(Ubu barks)