Ripped By mstoll
Hi.
- Hi, honey. - Hi, Jennifer.
Notice anything different about me?
- Not a thing. - Hair's a little different?
It happens when you're 16,
and once it happens, you're never the same again.
- Jennifer! - What?! - No!
Yes, yes.
I got my learner's permit.
Okay.
That's a relief, and I don't even know why.
Jen, you must be so excited!
Getting your learner's permit is a big event.
And you've got something else to get excited about:
Driving lessons with your good old dad.
Boy, "excited" is such a subjective term.
You know, Dad, I really appreciate
that you want to teach me to drive, and it means a lot to me,
but I've been thinking of the lessons
you gave Alex and Mallory.
Oh! Yeah, yeah.
Those were great lessons.
They could drive through hell if they had to.
And in a sense, we did.
Dad, I want Mom to teach me to drive.
Whoa.
Oh, well, no, that's, uh...
that's fine, Jen.
Just, uh, just fine.
No, your mother will be a... a wonderful teacher.
If you want to learn to drive that way.
What way is that?
Well...
You know.
You mean like a woman?
Well...
yeah, you have to admit that...
you rarely see a-a man, uh, stopped at a light
fumbling through his little purse or...
...brushing his hair in the mirror.
Uh, putting on eyeliner during a lane change.
Okay, boys.
Steven, I know I can teach Jen to drive
better than you ever could.
Oh, really, Elyse?
Oh, really, Steven.
Not if I hide the keys, you can't.
Steven!
This is gonna be hard... the learner's permit says
there has to be at least one adult in the car.
Hey.
Hi. You ready to go?
Yes, I am, my little psychoanalytical cupcake.
We're going to the movies, Mal. You want to come?
Oh, you guys, don't leave me now.
Skippy's on his way over.
He has a new girlfriend; he wants to introduce her to us.
That's great! When did this happen?
How did this happen?
I don't know, but this could be just what Skippy needs.
I mean, he hasn't dated since Amy transferred to Yale.
Didn't they decide to see other people?
Well, yeah, but...
Skippy didn't know what that meant.
So, for months, he just walked around looking at other people.
Hi!
Hey, Skip, buddy, come on in.
Uh, I'd like you all to meet someone special.
This is Darlene.
Darlene, this is Alex, Lauren and Mallory.
Hi, Darlene.
- Hi, how are you? - Hi.
Hey, why don't we sit down and get better acquainted.
Okay, uh...
Well...
Um, so, have you two known each other long?
- Yes. - No.
Um, we just met this morning.
So this is your first date?
Oh, no.
This isn't a date; we're lab partners.
As soon as I met him, he asked me to come home
and meet his neighbors, which is weird enough.
Thank you.
Oh, but I said yes because he begged me,
and I have real trouble saying no.
Will you marry me?
Not that much trouble.
Um, look, I hope you won't mind if I see myself out.
I won't.
Uh, I-I don't suppose this engagement ring
is gonna change your mind?
Oh, there must be something we can do.
I mean, he's such a sweet, lovable guy.
There's got to be someone out there for him.
There's not; I looked.
That little vixen.
She's playing hard-to-get.
No, she's not.
Who am I kidding?
She hates me. They all hate me.
Skippy, come on. That's... not true.
Then how come last week I asked Lisa Tobin
if she wanted to go to the movies with me,
and her head spun around a full 360 degrees?
Well, she's had the flu, Skippy.
Skippy, look, the odds are always huge
against meeting the right person, but somehow it happens.
Yeah, look. Look at Lauren.
She wanted the best and, you know, darn it, she got it.
Well, sure, Alex, you've never had problems with women, but...
all the women I meet reject me.
Even the women I don't meet reject me.
Listen, Skippy, I think maybe I can help you.
Why don't you come to my lab at school,
and I'll assess your psychological profile.
I mean, maybe we can find out
what type of female you're compatible with.
I don't care if she's compatible,
as long as she's human.
All right, pal, one time around the maze, then lunch.
Come on, it's easy. You can do it.
That's it. That's it.
Just a little further.
Okay, now find the cheese.
I don't know where to start.
Hi, Skippy. I'll be done in just a second.
We're trying to find the cheese.
It's right here.
Very good.
Skippy, are you a little nervous?
Uh, uh, well, yes, just a little though.
Um, I'm not too good with these things.
Uh, when I was a kid, my parents sent me to a psychologist,
and then a week later, he was spotted roller-skating naked
through a Woolworth's.
Well, Skippy, I don't skate, and I'm sure this is gonna go fine.
Just relax.
Tell me a little bit about yourself.
Oh, I-I think you're asking the wrong guy. Um...
See, I-I'm pretty much a mystery to me.
Okay, then we'll both discover you at the same time.
So, Skippy, why don't you tell me a little bit about
your past relationships with women.
Okay, um, well, you know about Amy.
Mm-hmm.
And before that, there was... ooh, let's see, uh...
nobody.
Mm, unless of course you count Mallory.
What exactly was the nature of your relationship with Mallory?
Somewhere in between close personal friend and dog.
You know, I've got to admit,
I was a little nervous about doing this,
I mean, because we're friends,
and sometimes it's hard to work with people you know real well.
But I have to tell you, I feel very comfortable talking to you.
I-I feel very comfortable talking to you, too.
I just wish I could be like this around other women.
Well, maybe you're scared of women.
Maybe-maybe you're scared of relationships.
Does the word "love" scare you?
Well, maybe.
I-I guess it depends on how it's used in a sentence.
How so?
Well, "I love my mother" is fine.
Um, "We'd love to beat you up and take your bike" worries me.
Okay, let me rephrase the question.
Uh, does the concept of being in love scare you?
Not if I could find the right person.
Well, who's the right person?
Uh, someone who listens.
Someone who cares.
Someone who makes you feel funny, you know?
Like, uh, little sparklers are going off in your stomach.
Go on. I'm listening.
I guess that's it.
What do you look for in a guy?
I-I guess it's just the little things that affect me, you know.
Someone who's not afraid to show affection.
You know, a gentle pat or a squeeze of the arm.
Ooh.
That is delightful.
Well, enough about me. Let's get back to you.
What do you look for in a woman?
Well, I suppose she's pretty.
What does she look like?
Well, she's got long, dark brown, lustrous hair;
beautiful pale blue eyes;
pink, shell-like ears;
and-and cute little orange freckles
across the bridge of her nose.
Wow.
She sounds like a knockout.
She is.
So, you ladies prepared for your adventure on wheels?
Steven, don't start.
Elyse, I'm not. I just want to help.
I happened upon this Ohio driver's handbook,
and I thought I might give you a little quiz.
Dad, I think we'll be fine on our own.
Come on.
This will be fun.
Here's one.
"When parking on a hill, which way do you turn your wheels?"
Oh, well, okay, that's easy.
Um, towards the curb if the car is pointing downhill,
away from the curb if the car is pointing uphill.
Very good, Elyse.
That's great, Mom.
You really know your stuff.
Yeah, I'll say.
Let's try another one, shall we?
"When making a left turn from a two-lane street
"onto a three-lane highway, does the car turning left
"onto the street or the car turning right onto the highway
have the right of way?"
Let-let me think just a minute.
Quickly, Elyse, there's no time.
Here comes the tractor-trailer.
But if-if I were actually on the street...
- Too late, Elyse. - Oh, Steven.
All right, all right.
Let's, uh, let's try an easy one.
"At what speed do you require a Class 3 license
to tow anhydrous ammonia?"
That's impossible. I don't know that.
And you call yourself a driver.
Do you think you could do better?
Yes, I do.
Okay, big boy, you got it.
Oh, no, Mom, please don't leave.
No, honey, I'm sorry.
I-I cannot take the risk
of what might happen on some wild night when
you and your girlfriends decide to go out and tow ammonia.
Okay, Jen, out to the garage for a few words about tire pressure.
Oh, help. Dad's taking me to the garage.
I really need to talk, Mal.
Okay, I'll get out of your way.
I-I meant to you.
Oh! Oh, okay. What?
Mallory,
I'm having uncontrollable romantic feelings.
Oh, I knew it.
Skippy, stop!
You've got to stop pining for me.
I mean, sure, you're lonely.
Yes, I'm desirable.
But it's got to stop.
It's not you.
Oh, okay.
That was really embarrassing.
Well, sure, I-I felt that way about you, once,
but now you're more like a sister to me.
Or even a brother.
No, no, more like a third cousin on my mom's side...
Uncle Nestor's boy.
It's all right, Skippy, I'm over it.
What's up?
I think I'm in love with Lauren.
Well, that's great. Lauren who?
Lauren... of Alex and Lauren.
That Lauren?!
Skippy, you crazy?
I know. I feel so guilty.
- I feel horrible. - You should.
- How can you do this to Alex? - I know.
I know. There's nothing you can say
that I haven't said to myself already.
Have you said this?
"I'm a jerk!"
I was much tougher on myself.
It even got physical; twice I had to separate me.
But she's just the only thing on my mind.
She's the only thing I can think about.
All day and all night, all I say is, "Lauren,
Lauren..."
I-Lord, I'm thirsty.
Lauren?
Skippy, perfect.
You know, we got some great news for you. Tell him, hon.
All right, I hope you don't mind,
but I matched up your profile
with some other women I know at school,
- and I got you a date. - Oh.
Alex and I are gonna double with you.
Isn't this exciting?
Skippy!
- Hi, guys. - Mm.
Sorry we're late.
I guess I'm in charge of the introductions.
Alex, this is Pippi.
- Hi, Pippi. Hi. - Hi.
Pippi, this is Skippy.
My folks love Pippi Longstocking, so...
Oh, my folks love peanut butter, so...
Well, Pippi and Skippy.
Well, you two ever get married,
your kids could be, uh, Flippy, Snippy and Dippy.
You look beautiful, Lauren.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
Don't you think Pippi looks terrific?
Pippi who?
Pippi Longstocking.
Oh, yes, that Pippi! Of course, yes.
You look very nice, very peppy, Pippi.
- Uh, bread, anybody? - Sure, I...
Hey, now, don't hog it.
Lauren?
No, thank you.
- No? - No.
Are we ready to hear the specials?
Sure.
Well, will you wait just a minute, please?
Lauren, are you ready to hear the specials?
I think so.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
I-I don't think I'm ready yet.
All right, I'm ready.
Tonight I have a lovely veal scallopini,
a delightful little chicken in a mustard sauce,
and, of course, a number of selections
from our brand-new fresh seafood cart.
Mm.
We have lobster, crab,
roughy and scrod on ice, and you can select
the exact one that you'd like.
All right, I'll have the lobster.
I think I'll have the lobster, too.
Ooh, I'm sorry; we only have one lobster left.
- Oh, you go ahead, Pippi. - No, that's all right, Lauren.
Uh, Lauren, you get the lobster.
Pippi, you get the scrod.
- Oh! Come on! - Skippy!
Alex?
Flip me a flounder, Skip!
- I've got to go. - Oh, you can't go.
It's flying fish night at Guido's.
That's okay.
I've lost my appetite.
- Alex, would you drive her? - Yeah, absolutely.
I feel kind of responsible.
I was the designated driver anyway.
It's funny, I thought I'd be driving someone home
'cause they drank like a fish, not got hit by one.
All right, honey, save me that lobster, all right?
See you in a while.
I had a very nice time, Pippi.
I hope we can do this again.
I'll bring my snorkel.
All right, I don't want you to blame yourself.
Everything was going fine until you started throwing fish.
It's all my fault.
I'm a stupid, clumsy oaf!
You're also sweet, sensitive and caring.
I know what your problem is.
You just tend to get overly excited around women.
Your senses overload.
That only happens around certain women.
Well, then maybe Pippi's still a good bet.
Pippi wasn't the only woman here tonight, Lauren.
That's very sweet, Skippy, but what I meant was that...
- Not that! - I'm sorry.
I couldn't help myself.
Sure felt like you helped yourself.
I'd better go.
The Keaton driving school is now in session.
So are some therapy groups I'd like you to visit.
Dad, would you mind if we didn't go out in the car
for the first time at night?
I mean, it's gonna be hard enough in the daytime.
Well, who said anything about a car?
We are going to simulate a driving lesson
right here in the kitchen.
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.
Two more chairs, and we have a backseat.
I can't do this; I get carsick.
Okay, everybody in the car.
Don't slam the door.
Everybody buckled up?
Okay, here.
There you go.
Start the car.
Okay.
Now pull carefully into the street,
checking both ways for traffic.
Stop!
What?!
You almost hit that bicycle.
Jennifer!
If you can't drive more carefully,
I'm gonna have to get out!
Drop me off at the mall!
Okay...
Please, everybody, everybody calm down.
We're in traffic now.
Jennifer, watch the road.
Take a left at the light.
Where's the light? What light?
It's right... there!
You just ran a red light, young lady.
Oh, uh-oh, there's a cop behind us.
Where?
Right there.
I'm gonna try to lose him.
Jennifer, no!
Floor it, Jen!
- Jen! - Hold on!
Jen...
Oh, no, the drawbridge is up!
I can't look!
Give me those keys.
I've had it.
You teach her.
She's too much of a daredevil for me.
I quit.
You can't take the heat, get off the highway.
- This is all my fault. - No.
I did his profile; I should've seen this coming.
What-what-what? What happened?
Aw, Skippy flipped out at the restaurant.
He tossed a scrod and kissed Lauren on the mouth.
Well, good thing it wasn't the other way around.
Oh, that's Skippy. Do you mind if I talk to him alone?
He'd be crushed if he thought you knew.
Yeah, that's all right.
Hello, Skippy.
Hello, Lauren.
I'm glad you came over.
I-I think we should talk.
Yeah, I think so, too.
And, uh, since I have to catch a plane for the Arctic Circle,
I'll go first.
I just want you to know
that wasn't me who kissed you in that restaurant tonight.
That was my evil twin, Bad Irwin.
Skippy, I think we should talk about what happened
at the restaurant tonight.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
I-I really am.
It's just that, uh...
well, you were so close, and, um...
I started to have these feelings.
What feelings?
That I loved you.
Oh, Skippy, you don't really love me.
You just have this need to be loved by someone,
and you transferred that need to me.
What's wrong with me?
I make a complete fool out of myself
every time a girl is nice to me.
Fortunately, it doesn't happen that often.
Skippy, when we were alone at the lab,
you were charming and relaxed and funny, and I liked you.
And someone else will, too.
If you can be that way around me,
you can be that way around anyone.
Do you think so?
All you got to do is be yourself.
All right, I'll give it one more year,
but then I'm gonna be someone else.
Well, now there's just one more thing I have to do,
which is, um... talk to Alex.
Alex?
Yes?
I think I'll leave you two guys alone.
Thank you.
Alex, there's something I have to tell you.
I, uh, fell in love with Lauren.
But, uh, we talked it over, and I'm getting over it,
and this will in no way affect you two or your happiness.
You fell in love with Lauren?
Whoa.
Whoa, Skippy, this is, uh...
this is a shocker.
I mean, uh...
I'm not sure exactly what to say.
I mean, it's a pretty painful...
It's a pretty painful thing to spring on a fella.
And I'm just gonna need some time...
to absorb it...
and get over it.
All right, I'm over it.
Oh, Skip, hey, don't worry,
'cause somewhere out there is a wonderful girl for you.
Everyone keeps telling me this!
Where the hell is she?
Hi...
Oh, no!
Ripped By mstoll
Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.