I can't...
(MUTTERING)
It should be there. Hmm.
What? Oh.
Well... Well, this must be it.
(SIGHS)
Is there anything on my head?
Uh... Well, yes.
- Describe it. - Well, you've sort of got antlers.
- Antlers? - Yes. Antlers.
- Antlers! - Mmm.
You are a time-space machine.
You're a vehicle. I have never asked you to cheer me up
with hologramatic antlers!
- (TARDIS BEEPING) - Thank you.
- Can I help you? - Yes, are you the surgeon?
- Close enough. Why? - Well, you know.
- I don't know. - There's a medical emergency.
Will there be singing?
No.
Fine, then.
NARDOLE: We weren't sure where you'd come down.
DOCTOR: Sorry? NARDOLE: In your capsule.
Oh, I'm never sure. I don't like being sure about things.
One minute you're sure, the next everybody turns into lizards
and a piano falls on you.
- Piano? - It's been a long day.
Are you expecting a surgeon?
DOCTOR: So what's the medical emergency?
NARDOLE: Didn't you read the agreement?
There it is.
DOCTOR: What? NARDOLE: There, that's it.
That's what?
Oh, the flying saucer.
Is that new?
Come on.
WOMAN: Well, you took your time.
Sorry, ma'am.
This is him. This is the surgeon.
- Hello. - You don't look much like your pictures.
- Well, that's an ongoing problem for me. - Doesn't look very impressive, does he?
Nardole, what have you brought to my doorstep?
I've had a haircut. This is my best suit.
It's not even a suit.
- Do I know you? - You most certainly do not.
And now that you've met me,
you'll do your very best to forget me.
- River! - Oi!
Dr Song to you.
Sometimes Professor but mainly Doctor.
RIVER: Don't use my name, ever!
How do you know me?
Well, it's a tiny bit complicated.
People usually need a flow chart.
RIVER: It doesn't matter.
If either of you use my name again,
I will remove your organs in alphabetical order.
- Any questions? - Which alphabet?
Sorry, you really didn't want these questions, did you?
This way. We don't have a lot of time.
- What seems to be the problem? - My husband.
Your husband?
Didn't you read my message? My husband, yes.
My husband is dying.
Something wrong?
I think I'm going to need a bigger flow chart.
(DOCTOR WHO THEME)
Ripped By mstoll
(MONKS CHANTING)
Husband, I return to you.
HYDROFLAX: Where is my queen?
Never far from you, my love.
(GRUNTING)
DOCTOR: No, wait.
- That's your husband? - Listen,
you are being watched by four billion people.
You are surrounded by warrior monks with sentient laser swords,
genetically engineered anger problems and not enough to do.
Best to stay still and keep your hands by your sides.
No, wait. (STAMMERING)
- That's your husband? - My husband,
your patient. King Hydroflax.
Yes. That's who you're married to? Not...
- anybody else? - HYDROFLAX: My love.
Attend me, woman.
RIVER: I fly to you.
- Is there a problem? - Right, so you don't recognise me, then?
Why would I recognise you?
Oh, no reason.
I don't like him. You like him?
Don't cross your arms.
He's a lying-down person. I don't like lying-down people.
It's so untidy.
Keep your arms by your side, like she said.
RIVER: My one true love,
the only husband I will ever have.
My time with you has been too short.
You have given me days of adventure
- and many nights of passion. - Oh...
Why do you keep crossing them?
Because they're cross. I've got cross arms.
HYDROFLAX: The end is near.
I feel it.
RIVER: Oh, forgive me, my lord.
I have acted against your instructions.
MY love?
RIVER: If you die this day,
this galaxy will drown in tears.
Look at them. Your people.
They watch and hope and pray.
With so much at stake, I followed my heart.
I disobeyed your orders
and sent for the finest surgeon in the galaxy!
(CROWD CHEERING ON TV SCREENS)
(CHUCKLING)
This might be an alarming question in the circumstance
but you really do think I'm a surgeon, don't you?
Oh...
(SOFTLY) Okay, calm down. Keep it together.
Don't make puddles.
RIVER: Surgeon.
- Attend your patient. - (NARDOLE WHIMPERING)
Any tiny hint of what species he might be?
(WHIMPERING) I don't know.
Okay, never mind, you just stay there.
You're probably going to need a mop.
Bow.
Sorry, what?
You are in the presence of His Infinite Majesty,
King Hydroflax. You will bow.
Oh, no, I'm sorry, Your Majesty. I can't do that.
- (NARDOLE WHIMPERS) - You what?
- It's my back. - RIVER: Your back?
Yeah, my back's playing up.
It simply refuses to carry the weight
of an entirely pointless stratum of society
who contribute nothing of worth to the world
and crush the hopes and dreams of working people.
Can you save me, surgeon?
Well, that depends upon what's wrong with you.
- There's something in his brain. - You could have fooled me.
- (GRUNTING) - Oh, oh, sorry. (LAUGHING)
Sorry. just gallows humour.
- Probably the wrong word. - Yeah, I would say it is.
My love, you must rest.
The surgeon and I will discuss the procedure.
Prepare, master of my life,
to live anew.
Patience be with you all!
Our king will rise again.
ALL: Our king will rise again!
CROWD: Our king will rise again!
Hydroflax! Hydroflax!
All right, enough of this. joke's over.
- What joke? - Look at me.
Why?
- I'm the Doctor. - (SCOFFS) You'd better be.
You've got an operation to perform.
Here's the entry wound, just below the hairline, and...
there's the projectile.
Should've killed him straight off but he's very strong.
That's not a bullet.
It's a diamond.
- How'd it get in there? - At speed.
Do you recognise it?
- No! - Yes.
- The Halassi Androvar? - The very same.
Hydroflax was leading the raid on the Halassi vaults.
In the ensuing firefight, the whole thing blew up in his face,
with the result that he now has the most valuable diamond in the universe
lodged three inches inside his enormous head.
So,
- can you remove it? - It's very small.
Might be difficult to manoeuvre it.
Not the diamond.
His head.
- His head? - Yes.
I think it would be easier just to remove the whole thing, don't you?
- But wouldn't that kill him? - Well, you're the medical expert,
but I'd say so, yes.
- Your husband? - Sort of.
- "Sort of"? - I basically married the diamond.
The Halassi want their diamond back,
- so they came to me. - Why?
I'm an archaeologist.
Slash murderer, slash thief.
An archaeologist is just a thief, with patience.
Never had much of that. It'll fit in here, don't you think?
I've checked it for leaks.
Is this what you're like when I'm not...
Not what?
- You're talking about murdering someone. - No, I'm not.
I'm actually murdering someone.
Cheer up, get a saw.
I'll kill the lights, you kill the patient.
I employed you. You agreed to this.
Do you not know who that man is?
King Hydroflax, the Butcher of the Bone Meadows,
who ends his battles by eating his enemies,
dead or alive!
The murder of a creature like that
wouldn't weigh very heavily on my conscience,
even if I had one.
What's that face?
Are you thinking?
Stop it! You're a man. It looks weird.
I need more information.
- For what? - For my diagnosis.
He's dying, we're about to steal his head and scoop out his brains.
Aren't we over-thinking?
I'll be the judge of that. I'm the Doctor.
You know who you remind me of?
Yes. Probably a chap with a big...
My second wife.
(WARRIOR MON KS YELLING)
Darling!
You're up and about!
- False wife. - How much better you're looking.
You planned to take my head.
Never crossed my mind.
- Is this your bag? - Perhaps you should've just asked.
RIVER: Well...
I wondered why we didn't share a bathroom.
You married a cyborg and didn't even know?
I will have you flogged and flayed and burned.
I will crush every last remnant of you from this universe.
How dare you? I'm your wife!
- You planned to murder me! - Don't change the subject.
Why are you doing this? Who are you?
I'm Professor River Song.
You have an ancient artefact of great value to good people
and whatever it takes, I'm going to bring it home to them.
You have stolen so much from so many, King Hydroflax,
and I'm the woman who's going to steal it all back!
- What are you? - I'm an archaeologist.
Look, I've got a trowel.
(LAUGHING)
DOCTOR: Do not harm her!
If you know what's good for you, do not lay a finger on that woman.
Ignore him! Attack!
Garbage disposal, right?
Get ready to say "Whee!"
Put me down!
DOCTOR: Back off from River Song.
Give the order now. Get yourself under control.
Do not attack the female.
Nobody move or the head gets it!
- Do you really have a shooty trowel? - It's sonic.
A sonic trowel. Do you realise how ridiculous that sounds?
- The threats are empty. Destroy them! - BODY: Negative.
78% chance of significant tissue damage.
Do as you're told!
Decision overruled. Recommendation, chill.
Look at that, your body's got a mind of its own.
More like an onboard computer for the cybernetic component.
Plus inbuilt flash drive and vernacular-friendly interface.
- Cyber co-pilot. - Mobile life support.
- Sexy. - It's not sexy.
- It's a little bit sexy. - Why is everything sexy now?
Speaking of which...
Ramone, prep for emergency extraction. Two to go.
- RAMONE: Standing by for teleport. - Put it in the bag.
- I'm sorry? - The head. Put it in the bag.
Do not put me in the bag!
Quickly, do it! Ramone, 20 seconds to jump.
I will not be placed into a bag!
Stop shouting a minute if you want to go face-up.
You will be crushed! You will be destroyed!
- You will beg my infinite mercy! - Oh, zip it.
Try to follow me and I'll put him in a blender.
Ramone, now!
They will be tracked. They will be found.
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
(GROANING)
Ramone! just once can you get the height right?
RAMON E: Sorry, Professor. HYDROFLAX: When I escape, I will bring
- terror to you and your family! - RIVER: Home in on my signal.
- Have you located Damsel? - RAMONE: I'm on it.
The capsule is really close.
- (DOCTOR LAUGHING) - Is something funny?
HYDROFLAX: Who dares laugh at Hydroflax?
You shall be crushed! You shall scream in fear!
Let me out of this bag!
RIVER: This is a serious mission in a critical phase.
There is nothing to laugh about here.
We're being threatened by a bag!
By a head in a bag!
HYDROFLAX: I shall make dust of you. My enemies are meat for the devouring.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
I can't approve of any of this, you know,
but I haven't laughed in a long time.
- Well, good for you. - HYDROFLAX: Prepare to die in agony
and submit to my supremacy.
Unzip this bag!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
You know, don't you?
- Know what? - Stop pretending.
You know who I am.
- Who are you? - You know who I am. It's, it's,
- it's me! - Great!
Who are you?
RAMONE: Professor Song!
Sorry, Professor. Sorry about the height thing.
Prove it.
(DOCTOR GROANING)
Doesn't it get dull after a while?
As an activity, it's not hugely varied, is it?
I'm so sorry.
This is my husband Ramone.
DOCTOR: Another one?
- Are you going to kill him, too? - We're not actually married.
We are, in fact. I wiped it from your memory.
- Why? - Well, you were being annoying.
So the Damsel. Do we have a fix?
Found the capsule just over in the village
but I can't locate Damsel.
- I've looked everywhere. - Who's Damsel?
Have you been thorough? It's not easy, you know, he does have 12 faces.
RAMONE: None of these men are here.
Are you sure it's one of these?
RIVER: Yes, he only has these 12 faces.
He'll be around here somewhere.
This is the closest intersection with the Doctor's timeline.
That's why I crashed Hydroflax's ship here.
- "Damsel"! - Code name Damsel in Distress.
Apparently, he needs a lot of rescuing.
What if he has a face that you don't know about yet?
He has limits.
Well, then. Let's go find him.
BODY: You are in league with the former queen?
She employed me. I didn't really know anything.
- You have information. - Oh, hardly anything, really.
A tiny bit.
You will give this information to us.
Oh, absolutely. Of course I will.
We will take the information.
Ask anything you like. I'll even write it down for you.
That will not be necessary.
You will be uploaded.
We apologise for the inconvenience.
Uploaded?
- How? - Recommendation,
hold still.
(WHIMPERING)
No, this is no good.
- I don't like this. - Your cooperation is appreciated.
I never agreed!
No, this is unfair.
Pursuit now commences.
This is too tall!
I'm afraid of heights!
Recommendation, close your eyes.
(WHIMPERING)
(SCREAMING)
RAMONE: What if we can't find him?
We need to get you off-world now.
"Off-world"? People never say that.
(LAUGHING) Are you new?
We can't hang around waiting. He could be ages.
Yes, he's probably off rebuilding a civilisation
or defeating giant robot fish...
- We’ll just have to steal it. - Battling insects
from the ninth dimension. I'm sorry, what?
The Hopper is really close. We'd be out of here in less than ten minutes.
I need time travel. I need this Tardis!
I'm sorry, the word "steal". Somebody said "steal".
Yes, we are going to steal this box.
Hush, you wouldn't understand.
- You can't. - Why can't I?
- You can’t just steal a Tar... A box! - Why not?
- Look, it says "Police". - I have a key.
Okay.
This Damsel person, he sounds... He sounds pretty dangerous. Ish.
It's a time machine.
I can take it, do whatever I want for as long as I like
and pop it back a second later.
- He'll never know it was gone. - Yes, he will.
How?
- He’ll just know. - Well, he's never noticed before.
Maybe he'll notice now.
(LAUGHING) I'll see you on Temple Beach.
I've already picked out your swimwear.
RAMONE: Okay, but be careful.
(SCOFFS) Absolutely not.
You, with me.
Bring the head.
Please, look after her for me.
Oh.
Before you come in, you'd better prepare yourself for a shock.
It's not as snug as it looks.
Finally.
Finally?
It's my go.
Oh... my... God!
(EXCLAIMS) It's bigger...
- Uh, yes. - ...on the inside...
- Look, we need to concentrate. - ...than it is...
I know where you're going with this but I need you to calm down.
...on the outside?
Well, you've certainly grasped the essentials.
My entire understanding of physical space
has been transformed!
Three-dimensional Euclidean geometry has been torn up,
thrown in the air and snogged to death!
My grasp of the universal constants
of physical reality has been changed
forever.
Sorry. I've always wanted to see that done properly.
Would you like a drink?
Aldebaran brandy.
Help yourself. Don't tell Dad.
- (BEEPING) - What's that noise?
It seems to have powered down. Conserving batteries.
There's an inbuilt life-support system,
- I'm not sure what powers it but... - Really don't care.
- What's that noise? - I don't know.
- (BEEPING CONTINUES) - Signal? Distress call?
- Homing beacon. - Possibly.
So the rest of him is coming.
Well, he must be very cross. He's lost his head.
Time we were off, then.
(TARDIS SHUDDERING)
You're doing it wrong.
I am certainly not.
Not those levers.
Hush.
You probably want to press that button.
Why? That evacuates the waste tank on deck seven.
- Does it? - What is wrong with you?
Better avoid deck seven, then.
Something's interfering with the engines,
which is technically not possible.
- (CLEARS THROAT) Maybe. - How would you know?
Maybe the engines are interfering with themselves.
Wild theory, but what if this machine had certain safeguards?
For instance, maybe it can't take off
when a life form registers as being both inside and outside at the same time.
Head and body.
Which would mean, and again,
I'm just wildly theorising here,
that the door would not engage properly.
Of course.
It can't seal the real time envelope.
Hence, it can't take off.
Not when someone is in and out at the same time.
I mean, that just wouldn't be good manners, would it?
You're very quick.
Yes. For a doctor.
Yes.
Seriously?
NARDOLE: Hello!
Hello. Is that you?
Nardole, is that you?
It's me, yes.
Please.
- You've got to help me. - What's wrong?
Where are you?
In the alleyway.
Can't you see me?
Come a bit closer.
What are you doing there?
Help me!
- Are you injured? - Well, uh...
Yes.
Sorry! So sorry!
- It made me. - RAMONE: Nardole.
Why are you pointing a gun at your own head?
It's not my head.
Well, it is my head.
But it's not my gun.
- What happened to you? - Please.
Just do as it says.
It's signalling. We have to assume the body is homing in on this.
- So how do we stop it? - Well,
- we could chop its head off. Oh, look. - Does sarcasm help?
Wouldn't it be a great universe if it did?
So summing it up, it's coming, we can't take off, we can't seal the doors.
- Yep. - So...
We just kill the head, right?
- You can't shoot the head in the face! - Why not?
(SCREAMS)
DOCTOR: Go on, then.
Tell him to put his hands up.
Do not fire if you value your lives.
Why? What are you going to do?
Kill me and my body will burn.
- Burn what? - This world!
BODY: Enquiry. Are you acquainted with the criminal River Song?
That wasn't me. That was him.
Repeat. Are you acquainted with the criminal River Song?
Please. just answer it.
Yes.
You will take River Song a message.
What message?
RIVER: Suppose we believe you. How?
My body contains a split quantum actualiser.
A perpetually stabilised black hole. That's your power source?
What sort of medical school did you go to?
- A really good one for Doctors. - More than a power source.
If necessary, a bomb.
So you could wipe out this solar system?
- It wouldn't be the first. - It would be your last.
A fitting end for the glory of Hydroflax.
DOCTOR: So why haven't you threatened this before?
A king does not endanger his people for no reason.
You're endangering them now.
- I'm cross. - (POUNDING ON DOOR)
RAMON E: Dr Song, are you there?
- I have a message for you. - Ramone! Get in here!
(GASPS)
You're going to die!
(YELPS)
- Kill her! - No!
- Put her down! - Kill her now!
- Death initiating. - I'm so sorry.
(TARDIS WHOOSHING)
- I'm sorry! No! - (RIVER GRUNTING)
Stop them! Stop them!
- Where are we going? - Get the head!
- RAMONE: No! - Stop them!
BODY: Death initiating.
- You set the coordinates. Where for? - Just get the damn head!
Kill them! Destroy them!
(ALL SCREAMING)
- Here! - Kill them!
With me!
Where are we?
- This way, come on. - What about the box?
Where are we going? Stop holding my hand.
- People don't do that to me. - Hush now!
And don't hush me. I am not a hushing person.
- (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) - (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
FEMALE ANNOUNCER ON PA: We are currently cruising at warp factor 12,
traversing the fourth galaxy of our seven-galaxy cruise.
Next is the Andromeda Galaxy.
Supernova approaching now to starboard.
Ah, Dr Song!
Your table is ready.
Flemming!
How are the twins?
Still digesting their mother, thank you for asking.
I'm sure it was a lovely ceremony.
FLEMMING: Oh, there were tears.
And just a hint of screaming.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Uh, Flemming, I wonder,
could you deadlock seal the baggage hold for me?
It's a little irregular. The other passengers might want access.
Do you remember that time I was transporting dragon eggs?
Consider it done.
(BEEPING)
(DOORS LOCKING)
- Is the gentleman here for dinner? - Yes, he is.
Excellent. I'll have the chef prepare him immediately.
DOCTOR: No, you won't.
Uh, he will, in fact, be joining me to eat.
I was about to suggest that force-feeding might be required.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
This way. Oh, may I take your bag?
Oh, no, no, no. That's fine, thanks.
(HYDROFLAX GRUMBLING INDISTINCTLY)
Sorry.
That was my stomach.
I have an irritable bowel.
HYDROFLAX: My revenge will be merciless.
I will rip you open and devour you.
It's having a day.
HYDROFLAX: You cannot escape!
This way.
HYDROFLAX: Your actions will not go unpunished.
- Here. - HYDROFLAX: Ow!
I don't suppose you mind if I freshen up?
Not bad for 200, eh?
- 200? - I have an augmented lifespan.
- Long story. - So what's the occasion?
Ah, I've got the diamond. Now it's time to sell it.
I thought you were returning it to the Halassi?
(SCOFFS) Tell me. Were you born boring or did you have to work at it?
Where did you find a buyer?
Look around you.
The Starship Harmony And Redemption.
Minimum ticket price one billion credits
plus the provable murder of multiple innocent life forms.
Suites are reserved for planet-burners.
Thank you.
Even the staff are required to have
a verifiable history of indiscriminate slaughter.
This is where genocide comes to kick back and relax.
Do try the fish.
(POUNDING ON DOOR)
Mr Flemming. There's an issue.
- (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) - (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
Why are you frowning?
- How did you know? - It's audible.
Deadlock seals can be broken.
By geniuses.
Hydroflax has a brain the size of a pea and it's currently under the table.
He's gone back to sleep, I think.
You married him, though.
I told you. I married the diamond.
- How? - I posed as his nurse.
- Took me a week. - To fall in love?
(SCOFFS) It's the easiest lie you can tell a man.
They'll automatically believe any story they're the hero of.
River, there's, uh...
There's something I should probably tell you.
WAITRESS: Dr Song,
your guest has docked.
He should be with you in a very few minutes.
Thank you. Whenever he's ready.
WAITRESS: Of course.
What's the book?
Oh, it's my diary.
One should always have something sensational
to read on a spaceship.
Is it sad?
Why would a diary be sad?
I don't know. It's just that
you look sad.
It's nearly full.
So?
(RIVER SIGHING)
The man who gave me this
was the sort of man who'd know exactly how long a diary
you were going to need.
He sounds awful.
I suppose he is. I've never really thought about it.
Not somebody special, then?
No.
But terribly useful every now and then.
Please, I just need you to get me out of here.
He's in the main hold, sir. But you've deadlocked it.
If you don't mind my observing, sir,
you do seem a little nervous. Is someone threatening you?
- I 'm the only one here. - Confirmed, sir.
There's only one reading in the hold.
- I'm on my way. - Be careful, sir.
Don't worry. I'll just stick my head round the door.
DOCTOR: So who is this buyer?
RIVER: No idea. He just responded to the advert.
Which of you is Song?
Who wants to know?
- I am Scratch. - Don't need your name.
Are you empowered to purchase?
I represent the shoal of the Winter Harmony.
Don't care, don't want to know.
I'll need immediate payment. Can you do that?
And you could either just sit down or fetch us the wine list or something?
You have the diamond?
Of course I have the diamond. Show me the money.
Just a thought, you probably shouldn't do that in a restaurant.
SCRATCH: Once instructed,
this will transfer the necessary funds to whatever account you choose.
Thank you.
The diamond.
You're going to have to dig for it a bit,
but somehow I don't think that's going to be a problem for you.
- Is this a deception? - No.
The diamond is in there.
This is a public place, there won't be any tricks.
This is not a public place.
Block-booking. That's clever.
You needn't have bothered. I've brought what you want.
Please do assume that I have also taken precautions
and don't do anything that might make me cross and kill you.
SCRATCH: Statement accepted.
The diamond is here.
(ALL HISSING)
The payment, then.
- (BEEPING) - One hundred billion credits.
As we agreed. This accesses all the banks in the galaxy.
Thank you.
Here you go, then. You may need to use a spoon
- or knitting needle or something... - Be it known,
we do not do this for ourselves.
- (SIGHING) I really don't care. - We do it in honour
of our distant and loving king,
who once visited our world in blood and joy.
- Well, isn't that lovely. - SCRATCH: We honour thee.
We prostrate ourselves in your name,
- Hydroflax. - ALL: (CHANTING) Hydroflax.
For love of thee, we do this thing today.
- Hydroflax. - (CHANTING CONTINUES)
Give it.
Give us the treasure.
(CHANTING CONTINUES)
What is wrong?
Uh, well, uh...
Awkward.
I beg of you.
- Not my head. - Information is required.
You know of River Song, wife of Hydroflax?
I... I do.
I know River Song of old.
And if you spare me,
I'll tell you who she's really married to.
- Explain. - You need a head.
I can get you a head fit for a king.
Why do you delay? We have paid. We will receive.
Yes, you will. (STAMMERING)
By jingle, you will. Yes, of course. But obviously
we have to, you know, uh,
- check some... - Things.
...things. There are things that have to be checked before I get it to you.
If we don't check the thing,
- then they... - We will receive.
Yes, you will receive,
and here it is now.
On its way...
- (STAMMERING) This small... - We will receive.
Here you go.
And you can... You can have the bag as well.
You know, it's been lovely
but, uh, we don't want to intrude on this special moment.
So, why don't we just leave you with the new baby?
You will remain.
Is that strictly necessary?
I do not like surprises.
Yeah.
(SIGHING) Well, it's going to be a funny old day.
Oh, boy.
You know what? I just can't stand idly by and let this continue.
- (HISSING) - Death has been done this day!
Noble blood has been spilled
and our tears will surely follow.
The sky shall crack.
The ground shall heave.
And even the rocks and the stones
shall weep their rage.
Behold the head
of Hydroflax.
(ALL HISSING)
- (GLASS SHATTERING) - Rest now, sweet prince.
Walk amongst us nevermore.
Shall we start the bidding at 200 billion?
I'm sorry, Professor Song,
but we really couldn't keep this treasure from the truly devout.
Oh, my apologies to the truly devout.
And shall we find out who is the most truly devout?
- This is heresy. - Two hundred over there!
Two hundred and fifty billion by the sweet trolley!
SCRATCH: Silence! This is not our way.
DOCTOR: Well, it doesn't say much for your king
if you can't put a price on his head.
Let's see what the king himself has to say.
(SCREAMING)
Quick!
Professor Song,
has the food disappointed you?
(ALL SCREAMING)
At last. I am whole again.
Come to me, my body!
Well? Put me back.
Scan in progress.
You don't need to scan me, just put me back.
Tissue deterioration now irreversible.
Well, what are you going to do about that?
Additional. The projectile inside your brain continues to move.
Prognosis, death in seven minutes.
Well, I refuse.
King Hydroflax does not accept death.
Orders requested.
Whatever I need to survive, do it now!
Orders accepted. You need a new head.
No, no!
- Not a new head. - Orders implementing.
No! No!
I don't suppose you could fetch that over for me, could you?
As I was saying, Your Majesty...
Well, Your Remaining Majesty.
(GASPING)
If it's a new head you're after,
this is the guide to the very best.
Don't touch that! Give that back to me.
The diary of River Song.
The ultimate guide to the Time Lord known as the Doctor.
Don't you dare touch that!
(RIVER GRUNTING)
Long live the king.
FLEMMING: "The Pandorica opens."
Ooh! That sounds exciting.
And goodness me, a picnic at Asgard.
Some people really know how to snack, don't they?
You should know, I have a significant history of escaping.
FLEMMING: "The crash of the Byzantium."
Didn't they make a movie of that?
- And when I do, I'm going to kill you. - FLEMMING: Oh!
"Jim the Fish." (LAUGHING) Well, we all know Jim the Fish.
And the longer you spend reading my diary, the longer I'm going to take.
And you've just been to Manhattan.
- What planet is that? - So do please keep going.
This is irrelevant.
If I may intrude, Your Majesty.
The Doctor is a legendary being of remarkable power
and an infinite number of faces.
His head, I assure you,
- would be your crowning achievement. - (KNOCKING ON ARMOUR)
Besides which, uh,
many of us on this ship
would be happy to see his career cut off, as it were, at the neck.
Proceed faster or your head will be taken.
I would give my head with gladness.
This woman is the known consort of the Doctor.
Confirmation required. Uploading.
Ooh!
Is River Song the consort of the Time Lord known as the Doctor?
Huh?
I think so, yeah.
Here, can I stay up for a bit? It's really very whiffy down there.
Aw!
- (MUFFLED) Aw, it's awful. - So!
Where is the Doctor now?
I haven't the faintest idea.
- Is that credible? - It's true.
FLEMMING: You're the woman he loves. RIVER: No, I'm not.
She's lying.
RIVER: The Doctor does not and has never loved me.
I'm not lying.
Confirmed. The life form is not lying.
FLEMMING: Impossible.
- This is a trick. - RIVER: No, it isn't.
My information is correct.
- You are the woman who loves the Doctor. - Yes, I am. I've never denied it.
But who ever said he loved me back? He's the Doctor.
He doesn't go around falling in love with people.
And if you think he's anything that small or that ordinary,
then you haven't the first idea of what you're dealing with.
Your Majesty, I assure you she is the perfect bait.
When this woman is in danger, the Doctor will always come.
Oh, you are a moron!
No, he won't!
- He's probably already here! - No, he isn't. Of course he isn't.
Possibly on this ship.
RIVER: Well, go on. Scan it, then.
- Go on, why don't you? - River...
Two hearts, stupid clothes,
- you can't miss him. - River...
Go on! Scan the whole parsec. He's not here.
God knows where he is right now
but I promise you, he's doing whatever the hell he wants
and not giving a damn about me!
- And I'm just fine with that. - River...
When you love the Doctor, it's like loving the stars themselves.
You don't expect a sunset to admire you back.
And if I happen to find myself in danger,
let me tell you, the Doctor is not stupid enough
or sentimental enough
and he is certainly not in love enough
to find himself standing in it with me!
(GASPS)
(SOFTLY) Hello, sweetie.
You are so doing those roots.
- What, the roots of the sunset? - Don't you dare.
I'll have to check with the stars themselves.
Oh, shut up.
I was just keeping them talking till it kicks off.
What is this conversation? Explain.
You keep out of this.
- We need to get to work. - Okay, what have you got?
Four exits, two concealed, one in the ceiling.
- There's also one in the floor. - No, I don't like it.
- Too close to the engine ducts? - Bit too tight.
Oh, I hope you're not being personal.
- Excuse me, what are you talking about? - Hush! Mummy and Daddy are busy.
- (CLOCK CHIMING) - (GASPS) There we are. 2:00.
- Here we go. - Cease this conversation.
Darling, in the event of a sudden meteor strike on the lower starboard decks,
where would you say is the safest place to stand?
- Meteor strike? - Exactly here, I should think.
Do you know what that isn't? A coincidence.
- Your escape plan. - It's cheaper than a taxi.
What meteor strike?
FEMALE ANNOUNCER ON PA: Alert. Meteor storm imminent.
- That meteor strike. - Alert.
- How could you know? - I'm an archaeologist from the future.
I dug you up.
- Well... - (RUMBLING)
See you in 400 years!
(ALL SHOUTING)
(ALL SCREAMING)
I had this book, History's Finest Exploding Restaurants.
"The best food for free,
- "skip the coffee." - What do you think, by the way?
- Of what? - The new body.
I'll let you know. I've only seen the face.
How have you got a new one, by the way? Aren't there rules?
- A thing happened. - I bet it probably did. (LAUGHING)
- Oh! - ANNOUNCER: Starboard decks compromised.
Please abandon ship.
- (SIGHING) - The diamond.
Good, aren't I?
- Please abandon ship. - I'm not sure "good" is the word.
Better not be.
We need to get this ship stabilised. Where's the bridge?
- This way. - Please abandon ship.
(ROARING)
We also need to stop that.
Toss for it?
- I'll take the robot. You drive. - Okay.
Oh, don't stop for strangers.
Look who's talking.
(SIGHS)
- What's the point? It's over. - I will take your head.
What for?
We're on a crashing spaceship and I don't even know if I can save it.
You just shot your own king in your own face.
You'd get beheaded if you had one.
I will take yours. King Hydroflax will live again.
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
Do you know what you need?
You know what any decent headless king needs?
Money. This connects every bank
to every other bank in this galaxy. Right here, in my hand,
all the money you can eat.
Demonstrate.
With pleasure.
(BEEPING)
Welcome to all the best firewalls in the galaxy.
Nothing is protected like money.
Every stock market within a light year is arguing in your head.
I do not understand.
(LAUGHING) That's the way it is for most people.
Do not understand. Do not understand.
He had a bad day on the market.
Do not understand.
Sorry. I appreciate that wasn't really funny but I couldn't help saying it.
(BODY SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
(SCREAMS)
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Surface impact in two minutes.
- Where's everyone else? - They ran for it. So should we.
We need to get the nav com back online
- and reroute the thrusters. - I'm trying.
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
- So, King Hydroflax. - Oh, how many times?
- I married the diamond. - So you say.
- Elizabeth I. - Ramone.
- Marilyn Monroe. - Stephen Fry.
- Cleopatra! - Same thing!
Hang on a minute,
I recognise that planet.
Well, that's nice. Maybe they'll name the crater after us.
That's Darillium.
Always good to know where we're going.
Could you concentrate on your work, please?
You know, the Singing Towers?
Yes, I'll be sure to give them a wave as we zoom past.
You always say you're going to take me there for dinner
and then you always cancel at the last minute.
I'd quite like to cancel this time, too, if at all possible.
(BOTH GROANING)
What are you doing? That's the internal teleport.
(COUGHING) Yes, I can use the power cell to boost the thrusters.
Really? How?
Hold these, quickly.
- I don't see what good this will do. - Sorry, River.
Crashing spaceships, that's my job.
(GASPS) You...
No, you don't!
(TARDIS WHOOSHING)
More power. You can do it, you can do it!
No, River! No, no. No, no, no!
(WHOOSHING)
Get back in the Tardis. This is my job.
- This is my job! - I've been doing it longer.
- I do it better. - River,
not one person on this ship, not one living thing, is worth you.
Or you!
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Surface impact in ten, nine, eight...
RIVER: Teensy bit close.
- Yeah, sort of. - Darling, shall we pop back indoors?
- Yeah, good idea. - ...four, three, two, one...
(BOTH PANTING)
- (HEARTBEAT POUNDING) - Indestructible as ever.
"Married the diamond."
(BEEPING)
(WHOOSHING)
ALPHONSE: Hello?
Sir? (PANTING)
- The ship, it came down. Did you see it? - Yes, I did.
- I've been searching for survivors... - I doubt if you'd find any.
And I don't think any of them would be worth it, if that's a comfort.
Brave of you to try, though. Well done.
Thank you, sir.
Those are the Singing Towers, aren't they?
Yes, sir. But it's just the wind.
The Singing Towers of Darillium.
Here we are at last.
Sir?
You know what? You should build a restaurant right here,
with a view of those towers.
You'd make a lot of money that way.
- You should do that. - (CHUCKLING)
You'd need a lot of money to begin with, sir.
The Halassi Androvar.
I think you'll find that the reward is pretty substantial.
Why would you give me this, sir?
(WHISPERING) Restaurant.
(WHOOSHING)
Excuse me.
Um, I'd like a table on the balcony with a view of the towers.
I'm sorry, sir. The first available slot I have is Christmas Day,
- in four years' time. - Not a problem.
Professor Song, the Doctor is waiting for you on the balcony.
Oh!
- Excellent. - This way, ma'am.
Do we have a good table?
WOMAN: The finest in all the galaxy, ma'am.
Ah. Um...
One moment.
- Ramone? - Professor Song.
The Doctor will be with you in a moment.
What are you doing here?
They pulled us from the wreckage, ma'am. Fixed us up.
I've been working here ever since.
Don't worry,
the nasty part's all gone. Got deleted in a merger.
What about Nardole?
NARDOLE: (MUFFLED) Oh, Merry Christmas, ma'am.
Good to see you again.
(GASPS) Merry Christmas, Nardole!
Sorry I'm off duty, I'm just having some "me" time.
I imagine that must be quite a challenge.
NARDOLE: Yes, ma'am. (CHUCKLING)
So, Ramone.
- You have a metal body now. - DOCTOR: Down, girl.
Now, that, my dear, is a suit.
Happy Christmas.
Really?
I don't think you've ever given me a present before.
(GASPS) It's a sonic screwdriver! How lovely.
When I saw the sonic trowel, I thought it was just embarrassing.
- But look. - (LAUGHING)
Oh, thank you.
You look, uh, amazing.
Oh, Doctor. You have no idea whether I look amazing or not.
Well, you've moved your hair about, haven't you?
Well done. It's very sweet of you to try.
So what do you think?
(TOWERS SINGING ETHEREAL TUNE)
The Singing Towers.
(GASPS)
The music.
(TOWERS CONTINUE SINGING)
Listen to it.
Are you crying?
DOCTOR: No. Just the wind.
Nothing's ever just the wind.
No?
It blows through the cave system.
It harmonises with crystal layer.
Why are you sad?
I told you, my diary is nearly full.
I worry.
Please don't.
- There are stories about us, you know. - Oh, I dread to think.
- I look them up sometimes. - You really shouldn't do that.
Some of them suggest that
the very last night we spend together is at the Singing Towers of Darillium.
That wouldn't be true, would it?
Spoilers.
(GASPS)
Well, that would explain why you kept cancelling coming here.
- Remember when there were two of you? - River, stop. Please stop.
Because I want you to know that if this is the last night,
I expect you to find a way round it.
Not everything can be avoided.
Not forever.
But you're you.
There's always a loophole.
You wait until the last minute and then you spring it on me.
Every night is the last night for something.
- Every Christmas is last Christmas. - But you will.
You'll wait until I've given up hope, all will be lost
and you'll do that smug little smile and then you'll save the day.
- You always do. - No, I don't. Not always.
Times end, River. Because they have to.
Because there's no such thing as happy ever after.
It's just a lie we tell ourselves because the truth is so hard.
No, Doctor.
You're wrong.
Happy ever after doesn't mean forever.
It just means time.
A little time.
But that's not the sort of thing you could ever understand, is it?
Mmm.
- What do you think of the towers? - I love them.
Then, why are you ignoring them?
They're ignoring me.
But then,
you can't expect a monolith to love you back.
No, you can't.
They've been there for millions of years,
through storms and floods and wars and time.
Nobody really understands where the music comes from.
It's probably something to do with the precise positions,
the distance between both towers.
Even the locals aren't sure. All anyone will ever tell you is
that when the wind stands fair and the night is perfect,
when you least expect it,
but always
when you need it the most,
there is a song.
So...
assuming tonight is all we have left...
- I didn't say that. - ...how long
is a night on Darillium?
Twenty-four yea rs.
(GASPING)
I hate you.
No, you don't.
Ripped By mstoll