What's this? Twenty-four bottles of tropical shower gel? Lovely.
That'll keep me going.
- (TABLET DINGS) - Oh, Groupon alert!
Me daily deals are in.
"Four pairs ladies' trainers with LED lights."
Who's buying this shit?
"Two hundred butterscotch Pop-Tarts." Absolute filth.
"Ten sessions full-body spray tan."
What do I want with a full-body spray tan?
"Click now to get all these offers at 75% off."
75% off? Now you're talking.
Proceed to checkout.
(CACKLING)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- JAMIE: Hello, Nan! - Here he is! (LAUGHS)
You come home to see me?
- You come home to see me, ain't ya? - Yep.
- You been up the zoo? - Been up the zoo.
- And why've you been up the zoo? - Cos I've got a job, Nan.
Cos you've got a job helping the elephants have babies.
Oh, you are a good boy.
God help us, love.
As happy as I am you've found gainful employment,
that's no excuse for going around smelling like a bucket of shit.
What's happened to your foot?
Oh, had a run-in with a traffic warden, didn't I?
- Well, you know what they're like. - I do, Nan, but you don't have a car.
Yeah. Not traffic warden.
Veteran.
I don't like where this is going.
Oh, it was dreadful, love, the intimidation.
Glaring at me, he was. Waving his box around in me face.
- Was he collecting? - Not off me, he weren't.
I saw right through him
and his smug white stick.
Nan, this man collecting, was he blind?
Blind and smug.
- So, how did you hurt your foot? - Oh, I haven't hurt it, love.
They've done me for ABH.
Can't leave the house.
(CACKLING)
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR) - BERNIE: Guess who?
Oh, not him again.
Is it the irritating old bastard who just moved in downstairs?
- It's Bernie! - That's the one.
Piss off!
- BERNIE: Your Groupons have arrived. - Oh, oh, come in, love, it's open!
All right, Bernie? Oh, let me help you with that.
No, no, no, no. Jamie, no. Please don't. No.
I like a bit of a workout.
(VOICE STRAINS) Right. Now, then, whereabouts do you want this?
Well, it's bigger than I thought, love.
I'll tell you what. Why don't you just put it in the kitchen?
Oh, my God!
Bernie, you've got to be careful!
No, it's all right, there's nothing breakable in there.
I'm fine, I'm fine. It's just superficial.
Right. Now, then, is there anything else
I could do for you on this sunny afternoon?
Well, you could go.
Right you are.
I'm on my way.
Nan, what's in the box?
Er, it's 15 fire extinguishers for 40 quid, love.
I mean, you can't say fairer than that.
Nan, you've got to stop buying this stuff.
What do you want 15 fire extinguishers for?
If it's to dampen the flame in my heart, 15 won't do it.
Nan, what did you do that for? He's being nice.
Oh, I can't be doing with him, love.
He's a registered sex offender.
Nan, have you just made that up?
I have, yeah.
I'm worried about you, Nan. You keep getting into trouble.
Oh, don't be silly.
They tag anyone these days, don't they?
No, Nan, they're usually given to people
who require a severe level of monitoring.
How's the elephants?
- Any luck with the mating? - Why are you changing the subject?
Has Dumbo had a go on Nellie yet?
It's not that easy, Nan. She's not ovulating as normal,
so she's not giving off the right scent.
Well, you be careful. Stinking like that, he might try and mount you.
Nan. So what are they gonna do with you?
Me? Nothing.
But there is this one fellow.
- Oh, he did make me laugh. - Who?
One of the arresting officers.
(CACKLES) He said to me... What was it? He says,
"You're going to prison
"if you don't complete an anger management course
"to address your underlying issues of self-control."
(CACKLING)
They don't mean it, do they?
They do mean it, Nan. You've got to do the course.
Nah, they won't find me, love. I gave them a moody address.
Criminal mind, see.
- Nan, you're wearing a tag. - (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- BERNIE: Guess who? - Oh, Christ.
BERNIE: I think I left me keys in there.
Listen, I haven't got an anger problem, darling.
I'm a perfectly reasonable person
going about my perfectly reasonable business
in a perfectly reasonable manner.
Knock, knock, knock.
Ripped By mstoll
What?
This looks like it. You sure you'll be all right, Nan?
Course I'll be all right.
I mean, all I gotta do is sit cross-legged in a room full of nutters
banging on about their unhappy childhood,
"Oh, I'm raving."
Well, that's why you're here, Nan.
- I'll pick you up later. - (CACKLES)
Oh, ain't it good, eh!
Here we go.
- Sorry we're late. I'm Jonathan. - I'm Samantha.
Hello, love.
Do we just talk?
If you like.
Well, I suppose you're automatically going to take his side.
How's that, darling?
All right. I had an affair, I'm a monster. Happy?
Can I just say, I have forgiven her. I'm the one who wants to move forward.
No, you just want to keep punishing me.
I don't, I honestly don't.
I just don't understand why you act like this.
- (TABLET DINGS) - Oh!
Excuse me, what are you doing?
Getting 50% off hang gliding weekend. What's it to you?
Is that appropriate?
Listen, you two want to get up on your daily deals.
Cheer you right up.
Daily deals?
Oh, it's a game changer, sweetheart.
Every day it pings,
all manner of gear, everything going for a song.
One click of a button, two days later, load of old tut arrives.
Oh, it's marvellous.
Er, what's going on here?
Well, from what I can make out,
the uppity one's been off the side with someone at work, I reckon.
This one looks suspect, but it's only the eyebrows.
And I haven't laid an 'and on anyone, so can I go now?
What are you doing in my chair?
We're doing that anger management, ain't we?
That's down the hallway. This is couples counselling.
Ah, I did think it was a strange dynamic.
- Well, er, can you leave, then? - Yes, all right, love.
Keep your tie-dyed smock on.
Here, eyebrows. Why don't you have an affair? Then you're even.
(CACKLES)
Excuse me! This is a private session, you've no right to be here,
and you're way out of line.
Yeah? Well, at least my stereo ain't broke.
What?
Oh, have a look at this mob.
You all right, specky?
What are you angry about, specky?
You angry with people calling you specky?
Are you talking to me?
Yes, love. Over here.
Poor fellow can't see me. I'm calling you! Specky!
Oh, here he is, porky!
How you been, son?
- Oh, God, I remember you. - Yeah.
Well, they do say, don't they? "An elephant never forgets."
What are you mad about, porky? Weight Watchers not working out?
I'm very happy with my weight.
So you should be, darling, it's impressive.
Hey, there! Specky!
It's impressive. Ah! Follow the sound of me voice.
I can see you.
Right, shorty!
What are you mad about, shorty? Look at him, he's raving.
Don't wind me up, old woman.
Oi, oi, oi! I'll have you across my knee if I have any more of that.
Speck, porky, shorty, you're all through to boot camp.
Oh, here we go. All right, all right.
No sudden movements, cos, er...
Cos if this one's got anger problem, we're all in trouble.
Hello, darling. You all right?
Having a good day? I think we'll all just stay calm, won't we?
Don't mind me. I'm just the caretaker.
Someone from the last group kicked the wall down again.
Thank God for that.
That was close, weren't it, porky?
Cor blimey, it's like a fucking circus, isn't it?
Good morning, everyone.
Good morning and welcome to anger management.
Well, it looks like you're off the hook, son.
My name is Graham Fanée.
Who is it?
Er, Mr Fanée. F-A-N-E-E.
Spell it again.
F-A-N-accented E-E.
- Now... - Fanny?
Mr Fanny?
It's Fanée, but I'm aware there is potential
for wilful mispronunciation, which, er, you'll all find hilarious
and I will have heard a million times before.
(CACKLES)
It's Mr Fanny.
You hearing that, staples? It's Mr Fanny!
Right, shall we begin? Erm, OK.
What qualifies me to guide you through your anger management course.
Listen, son.
You're a midget called Mr Fanny.
You've earned your stripes as far as I'm concerned.
Excuse me, we don't say "midget".
My mistake.
Midgée.
I was once like all of you.
I would lose control often, and then one day,
I did something I regret.
But using the techniques I will teach you,
I have not lost my temper since.
- Yeah, what'd you do? - Er, that's not important.
- What, did you kill a man? - No, it's not important.
- What, did you kill two men? - It doesn't matter what I did.
No, don't tell me, cos I'll get it. I'm good at this.
It's not a game. It's not for you to guess.
Did you kill a clown?
Why would I kill a clown?
- Did you stab your MP? - No.
Well, I don't know. What did you do? Did you kill an animal?
- Look, can we just leave this? - Oh, guilty as charged.
You an animal-killer? He's an animal-killer.
What did you do? Kill a kangaroo?
- Wolf. - Was it a chicken?
It's not a menu, son.
- A hippo. - Where's he gonna meet a hippo?
Well, you said a kangaroo.
Where's he gonna meet a hippo or a kangaroo?
Well, I don't know, do I?
Listen, hippos and kangaroos are eliminated.
- Was it a shark? - A shark is not an animal.
- Course it is. - It was a parrot, all right!
I killed a parrot.
Let that be an end to it.
Not proud of it.
It was very sad.
I don't usually go into the details, but, er,
in the spirit of full disclosure,
I had an altercation with my neighbours over a noise issue.
And I dealt with it inappropriately.
Things spiralled and it resulted in the death of my beloved pet.
Which is something I have to live with.
All right, love. Well, I mean, that is a lot to deal with, innit? Erm...
Look, do you want to take a minute?
Get yourself together?
I mean, listen, who are we to judge?
We've all done things we regret, haven't we?
(ALL AGREEING)
OK, so, thank you. I... I won't be a moment.
Go on, son.
You sort yourself out, ah.
Ah.
What a fucking liberty!
Eh?
He's killed a parrot, the man!
And he's got the audacity to come in here and tell us
how to control our impulses, and he's killed a fucking parrot?
With his bare hands, a fucking parrot?
The man's a lunatic!
Hello, darling!
You feeling better?
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Come in, darling.
(DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING)
How did you know it was me?
I could smell you coming up the stairs.
- Groupon? - Yeah.
Stylish, practical and at a price you just can't ignore.
How's the elephants? Any luck?
Not really. We think it's to do with the size of their pen.
We're gonna try and raise money
to get them a more spacious and comfortable paddock
for elephantine foreplay, so that Barbara's uterine muscles
can be relaxed, ready for insertion.
Because Maximus' phallus
- isn't engorged... - All right, pack it in.
Put me right off me Pop-Tart.
How was anger management today?
Oh, yeah, it was lovely.
They said I'm cured. Ain't got to bother going tomorrow.
(CACKLES)
Nan, are you taking this seriously?
If you don't pass this course, you'll get a custodial sentence.
Oh, I ain't going to prison, darling.
Too old to be experimenting with me sexuality at my time of life.
Nan, not all women prisoners are gay.
Oh, wake up and smell the lesbians!
I seen it, darling.
Orange might be the new black,
but they still wanna have a go up your clacker when the lights are out.
What's this?
Oh, it's me homework, innit?
(GASPS) Supposed to start making amends to people we've wronged.
What a load of old shit!
I mean, who have I ever wronged?
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR) - BERNIE: Guess who?
Oh, I shall end up killing this bastard, I know that much.
Nan, be nice.
It's Bernie. I'm just seeing if you needed anything.
I need you to fuck off out of it.
Nan, you are out of control. Open that door and apologise.
Oh, shut your mouth, you, you elephant ponce!
- I'll take away your iPad. - All right, all right.
Hello, Bernie.
Just popped up on my way back from Zumba.
- I'm rather pumped up, actually. - No.
Could take you with me...
Well, I tried, didn't I?
- Nan. - Oh, God help us.
Come in, then.
- All right, Bernie? - Hello, son.
You've been doing Zumba? It's great, innit?
God, yeah, taken years off me. I love it.
How's your flamenco arms?
Eh, not too good, mate. I've gotta work on me cha-cha-cha. (CHUCKLES)
Oh, all right, Guardian Soulmates.
Why don't you bunk up together and do a Zumbathon?
All right, Nan.
Get sponsored by other nancy misfits in lycra.
OK, that's enough.
You ought to get a whole gang of you together,
Zumba-ing all over town, raising money for your elephant knocking shop.
- That's not a bad idea, actually. - Yeah, I'm up for that.
Does nobody understand sarcasm?
Bernie, Nan wanted to tell you something.
Did I?
Not really.
It's for your own good, Nan.
(EXHALES) All right.
Bernie, I...
(MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY)
What did you say?
(MUMBLING)
- Come again? - I said I'm sorry, you deaf old fucker!
Well, I said it, didn't I?
Whatever for?
For spraying you with a very reasonably priced fire extinguisher.
I forgive you.
Ta-ta.
She really is a livewire, that one.
Well, Nan, that was progress of sorts.
Yeah, I told you, darling.
- I ain't got an anger problem. - (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
BERNIE: It's me again. I think I left me phone in there.
NAN: Piss off.
You know this actually burns my skin, don't you?
I wanted to see you alone because I do not want a repeat of yesterday.
No. I mean, I didn't like to say, but you did go on a bit.
You. You were being very disruptive.
- How's that? I was trying to help. - By interrupting...
- Interrupt... - Just being helpful.
- Thank you... - Go on.
I know what you're doing. I see it all the time.
You're rebelling because I'm the authority.
This isn't my first rodeo.
Is it your second rodeo?
No. I've been to a lot of rodeos.
That can't be very good for your knackers.
This. I'm saying I've done this a lot of times.
How'd you fit it in with all them rodeos?
Mrs Taylor, right now, I'm what's standing between you and prison.
So you've got one more opportunity.
It's time you took the bull by the horns.
I'll be honest with you, son. I've never been to a rodeo,
so I'm finding all this very confusing.
Forget the rodeo!
Right, let's get back to the group.
And, oh, and behave yourself.
Yeah... (MUMBLING)
Oh, look out, here he is. How are you, darling?
- Hello again. - Hey. Your wife behaving herself yet?
- She's running late. - Oh, running late.
At the office.
With her boss.
Who she's schtupping.
- Yeah, probably. - (CACKLES)
Here. Here, how's all this lark working out for you?
Well, I've still not had an affair, if that's what you're asking.
What's the matter? The eyebrows put the girls off, do they?
No, I don't want to have an affair.
Good, cos I don't think you'll get any takers with them eyebrows.
I want to make things better with my wife.
Has she never noticed the eyebrows?
I suppose that's why she strayed.
I don't think it was cos of the eyebrows.
Those two monsters looming towards you.
Here, listen. Let me tell you a story, darling.
When my old man caught me knocking about with Tommy Jackson,
he made my life a misery for a whole year
and I respected him for that.
And we went on to have a very happy marriage until the day he died.
Course, he dropped dead of a heart attack
when he caught me in bed with his brother.
But the point still stands.
What point?
Do summat with these things, or your wife will leave you.
For God sakes, why are you here again?
Oh, well, if you were ever on time, love, you wouldn't have this problem.
You are a menace.
Am I? Well, at least I'm not the one with the smashed mugs.
Don't you dare! My children made them.
Er, what did I just say?
(SIGHS)
Come on.
Oops.
Er, so now your bodies and minds have found total calm,
we can start our visualisations.
Picture yourselves on a beach.
What beach is it, love?
It's whatever beach you like.
Well, it can't be Brighton beach.
Doesn't have to be Brighton beach.
Good, cos I'm banned.
It's not Brighton beach.
They should have said that pier was flammable.
Doesn't matter where the beach is, just imagine yourselves on a beach.
Eh, where's your beach, freaky?
I don't know. Abroad somewhere.
Who's letting you on a plane?
You ain't getting through security looking like Scrapheap Challenge.
Let's just try and stay calm, shall we?
Please, I am trying to relax.
Well, spare a thought for porky here.
He can't relax, poor sod.
Greenpeace keep throwing buckets of water over him.
I'm getting soaked.
Please shush!
Just ignore her. Can't you see what she's doing?
God knows what you can see, specky.
Shut up!
All right. Let's just try and stay in the moment, shall we?
Remember, this is relaxing.
Now, imagine you're going for a walk along the sand.
Where are we going now?
I've just laid out 5 euros for a sun lounger.
Nowhere. It doesn't matter. You're just going for a general walk.
Well, where am I gonna put me valuables?
I can't take this any more!
Are you just gonna let her keep talking?
Well, don't engage with her.
All right, son, all right.
Oh, he's doing his nut cos they won't let him on the roller coaster.
Right, that's it.
I'll take prison. I'm out.
No, Ian, please don't give up. You're making real progress.
No, shorty do get cranky when he ain't had his afternoon nap.
And 5'2" is just below average height.
Argh!
Oh, lan, I don't think you're short.
Lan!
For goodness sake! I just fixed this!
Mrs Taylor, you are out. Done. You have failed.
You're not my problem any more. The state can deal with you.
Well, can I at least get me handbag from the beach hut?
- (CACKLES) - Out!
All right, love.
Cool down. It's all right. I mean, where's your sense of humour?
I mean,
we're only having a laugh, aren't we?
No. No, this is serious. No more chances.
You are out.
Well, you're not really telling me if I don't complete the course
I'm going to prison?
That is exactly what I'm telling you.
Oh.
(PAINFULLY) Can you get off me, please?
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
(PERSISTENT KNOCKING)
JAMIE: I know you're in there, I can see the lights on.
You haven't turned your trainers off!
NAN: You'll never take me alive, copper!
JAMIE: Nan, it's Jamie. I know what happened today, just open the door.
Oh, why didn't you stop me, son?
I mean, I don't know what I'm doing.
I'm out of control! Someone needs to put me in order.
No, Nan.
No, Nan, this is your fault and you have to face the consequences.
I'm frightened out of me mind.
I mean, you can't let 'em bang me up, son. I mean, look at me.
Those inmates will have a field day on a prime bit of cougar like me.
OK, enough. Do you know how lucky you are to have me, Nan?
Oh, it's all about you, is it?
Cor blimey, I'm the one looking prison in the face!
I went to see Mr F...
Your therapist, and he didn't want to hear it.
I mean, he really don't like you.
But in the end, we managed to find some common ground.
Luckily, he's an animal lover.
Well, not according to his parrot, he ain't.
He said he'd talk to you. I can't promise he'll take you back,
but he'll let you plead your case. It's up to you now, Nan.
Oh, what a relief.
Oh, you are a good boy.
I thought I was gonna have to create a hostage situation.
Don't be silly, Nan.
Go on, off you go, Bernie.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Ah, Mrs Taylor. Take a seat.
Thank you. Sir.
I, er, only agreed to this because of your grandson.
I have a soft spot for anyone who works with animals
- and I admire the work he's doing. - Oh, yeah, he's a good boy.
He's, er, he's going to do a Zumbathon for the elephants.
Yeah, it was my idea actually, you know?
Raising money to engorge Dumbo's whatsit
and shove it up Nellie's doo-dah.
I've been leading this course for a long time now
and you are, hands down, the worst person I have ever met.
Thank you very much.
You're irritating, disruptive, selfish,
- and you never let anyone finish a... - I know.
But you know what, Mrs Taylor?
If I can get through to you, the worst person I have ever met,
then I know that what I'm doing here works,
and that Charlotte didn't die in vain.
Whosit?
Charlotte was my parrot.
Oh.
Ah, what happened?
- It's a long story. - Oh, come on, son.
You keep telling us not to bottle it up.
- I do. - Yeah, see? I've been listening. Ah.
My neighbours used to hold very noisy parties
and one night I banged on the wall and shouted,
"If you don't stop playing music all night long, I'll call the police."
They then proceeded to play, All Night Long, on repeat,
all night long.
- Lionel Richie? - Yes.
It is a classic.
The next night, I was trying to sleep. I was exhausted.
And I could hear them playing that song on a loop,
but only the bit that everyone joins in on.
"Tom bo li de say de moi ya."
Yeah, jumbo jumbo.
Please.
Well, it is the best bit.
Oh, I was furious. It was dark, I was sleep-deprived,
I picked up my alarm clock
and I threw it at the wall as hard as I could,
and the music instantly stopped.
Turned on the light,
it wasn't my neighbour playing that song,
it was my parrot.
She'd learnt the words.
The thing is, I'd been trying to teach her to speak for years.
And then she died in my arms.
Her last words were,
♪ Yeah, jumbo jumbo ♪
I mean, that is unlucky, innit?
Come on, Mrs Taylor, let's give this one more go.
- Oh, not you again. - Here.
Here, listen, darling.
I've been thinking, and, erm,
I know what your problem is.
Oh, good. Maybe keep that to yourself, then.
You're eaten up with guilt
and you think you don't deserve the love of a good man.
But let me tell you summat, sweetheart.
Marriage is sacred and relationships are hard.
You need to forgive yourself, let him forgive you and move on.
- Thank you. - Ah.
(SAMANTHA SNIFFLES)
And if that don't work,
dress up like a tart twice a week and nosh him off.
OK, so today we're going to discuss our triggers
and then look at alternative ways to cope with them.
But we need to be open about our problems
so they don't fester and become the elephant in the room.
He has a name.
I mean, I don't know what it is, but he has a name.
My name's Steve.
Exactly, what's your trigger, then, porky?
I'm prone to road rage.
What, when all the Little Chefs are shut?
Thank you, Mrs Taylor.
- Shut up, you old cow. - Oh! Rusty's piping up.
Yeah, all right, you two.
Who rattled your cage? And by cage, I mean face.
Mrs Taylor, please.
Well, I think we know what her trigger is.
The elderly and magnets.
- Mrs Taylor! - (BANGING ON WALL)
Keep the noise down, please.
CARETAKER: Do you want the wall fixed or not?
Why do you let her talk to me like this?
What's the matter, pinhead?
(BANGING ON WALL)
- That's not my name. - No? What is it?
Pinhead O'Connor? (CACKLES)
- (DRILL WHIRRING) - What now?
- Pinbad the Sailor? - Mrs Taylor, please.
Why does my husband have no eyebrows? He looks insane.
She said you'd leave me.
I think I look distinguished.
Excuse me, we're in the middle of a session here.
- (BANGING ON WALL) - Nosh him off! Nosh him off?
That's the advice you're giving my clients?
Well, I don't think it's a terrible idea.
Get out! Come on, all of you, get out.
Is it Osama Pin Laden? (CACKLES)
It's Charlotte. My name is Charlotte!
Oh, listen, word of advice, love,
I'd keep that under your hat, if I were you.
- (BANGING AND WHIRRING) - What?
I said, Charlotte!
- Charlotte? - Yes, Charlotte!
- Charlotte, Charlotte! - (YELLING) Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
- (BANGING AND MUSIC PLAYING) - All of you!
Oh, and turn that fucking music off!
That's his trigger, by the way.
Argh!
What's this? Oh! Oh, it's the Zumbathon!
How is it now?
There he is, Pingu, Nellie, Dumbo, Polly...
Parrot? A parrot?
You did this, didn't you, you dreadful, old witch?
Oh, I honestly didn't, darling,
but I mean, it's come together like a dream, innit?
I hate her. I hate her!
(CACKLING)
What a fucking liberty!
- Are you ready to Zumba? - Lead on, Bernie!
I'll kill her! I'll kill her like I killed that blasted parrot!
Dumbo, no!
How was it this morning, then, Nan?
Oh, yeah, it was good, love.
I mean, I don't know if you're supposed to have all 10 sessions in one go,
but I think I can get away with it.
- Have a Pop-Tart. - Oh.
Oh, it's all worked out lovely, innit?
Yeah, with the money we raised from the Zumbathon,
we can make a really romantic paddock for the elephants.
Oh, ain't that good news.
And because of Mr Fanée's meltdown, your case has been thrown out
and he's been struck off.
Everyone's a winner.
(CACKLES)
And, Nan, as much as you don't want to admit it, you do seem calmer.
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR) - Oh.
I must admit, darling, you're right.
I mean, that course was smashing.
- BERNIE: Guess who? - Is it Bernie? (CACKLES)
Hello, sweetheart.
Joannie, I've been thinking. Since it's such a beautiful day,
would you do me the honour of joining me for a brisk walk around the park?
A brisk walk around the park.
Shove it up your arse!
Oh, hold on.
- Oh, fucking cheap shit! - (AIR SPURTS)
Ripped By mstoll