I know it! You know it!
Even the guy with the bad haircut knows it.
America is the best country in the entire universe!
What the hell are you all doing?
We're playing a game I created called "State of the Union."
Ok. I'm playing Barack O'Biden and
the deal is that I say things, and when they like it they stand
up and cheer. When they don't like it they sit
down and give me total bitch face like this.
It goes like this. I, Barack Obama, am telling
you from now on there will be free jalapeno poppers!
Okay let me try.
Every Tuesday the bar TV will show reruns of Whitney.
NBC burned all those anyway.
Listen. You would be a terrible president.
Look at everyone, they have bitch face.
It doesn't matter. Look, what are you doing? You're supposed to be helping Brett
You know, study... What is it, what are you doing?
Yeah, citizenship test.
We are helping with the citizenship test, you idiot.
Don't worry, that's my last poster.
I'm so proud of you. Are you ready to be an American?
I don't know. You tell me. Yo, what's up bro?
You want to drive to the mall in a pickup and watch Transformers 11, bro?
Hot dogs! Popcorn! Hot dogs! 'Murica!
Some of these questions are actually kind of tough.
- Where does Congress meet? - Oh, that's simple.
Coffee shop?
That's very fun, no, the answer is the Capitol. Don't worry, guys.
I'm going to be fine as long as I've got my lucky sweat shirt.
- My grandma knitted it for me. - Oh, does your grandma hate you?
My grandma made me a hate sweater once.
Joke's on her though, I had that bitch buried in it.
-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -- -- www.addic7ed.com --
_
- Happy Birthday! - Does somebody like balloons?
It wouldn't be a Detroit birthday party without a stabbing
Look, I'm not doing my birthday this year.
- No party, no cake, no presents. - But you love your birthday.
We always get you a big birthday cake and watch you eat one bite
every ten minutes. Every time you walk up to it
this is my last bite.
No seriously, this is my last bite.
I can only have a few more. Honestly, I'm trying to sober up so it's not my fault.
The last time, it was like "who ate my damn cake?" Bitch, you know it was you.
I know. I don't know why I'm so bummed.
Come on. What did mom do this time?
She sent me this really stupid card saying how
tough it must be to be turning 37 without having any kids of my own.
That's not so bad.
She started the card out with "Dear Les and grandkiddies".
- What are you doing? - I'm texting mom to torture her and
tell her the new haircut you got is way shorter than the last one.
Then I'm going to wait until she calls crying.
Hey it's for you.
Thank you. Yeah, mom.
It's a flap-top and my new girlfriend loves it.
Well it's my opportunity Leslie and I have been in limbo
for a while and I figure if I can could get her the perfect
excuse me, the birthday gift, get her out of this funk. I think she may want
- to go on a first date with me. - Hmm, it's not bad.
It's way better than our other plans.
- You can tell. - It's not as crazy as it sounds.
She gets in a bit of an accident and she's in a coma for a hospital for a few years.
However you guys give up on her. But I'm there night after night holding onto
her hand making sure she's ok. When she wakes up scared and
confused I'll look at her, I'll lean in and whisper, "I'm your husband."
Ok. Well that's horrifying.
What's that perfect birthday gift?
I don't know. Danny, you're my best bud.
You know your sister. What should I get her?
You're 0 for 2 on that sentence.
Dude, I'm not getting mixed up in my sister's love life okay, it's not happening
Yo Bursk, we've got your back. If you want to get her a present
get her something personal, something you made yourself.
For me I made Justin a song this morning
- Babe that's great. Let me hear it. - Okay.
♪ Justin dear, you're so sweet ♪ ♪ Except in bed with those cold feet ♪
♪ I also don't love when you're on the phone ♪
♪ and you call me in that chipper tone ♪
♪ you're like hey Candace come talk to my mom for a second ♪
♪ and I'm like Justin I'm in the bathroom I told you this is uncomfortable for me♪
♪ because I never actually met her ♪ ♪ in person I don't know why you keep ♪
♪ setting me up like this. ♪ ♪ It makes me feel really awkward ♪
Candice, I have a confession.
Mom has been on the phone the whole time.
Mom, did you hear this?
- Hold me. - Uh, hey Justin, Brett’s got
something he wants to hug you about.
What's wrong with him?
- Uh, Brett lost his lucky sweater. - Yeah, we're making posters.
How is this one?
Shelly, that's just a drawing of a girl with a big butt.
You said draw what we're looking for.
A sweater, huh? Hmm, was there any forensic evidence? Ok look.
- What? - Danny has been watching reruns
of CSI Miami so he's become obsessed with David Caruso.
Sweaters are supposed to keep you warm. But this case is ice cold.
Look guys, I know this sounds
stupid, but I feel like I can get through anything with that
sweater on. Tomorrow is my citizenship test.
And it means a lot to me. Now I've always felt like an
outsider and if I pass that test I'll finally feel like I belong somewhere.
You know what?
We're going to get you that sweater back.
Where is the last place you remember having it?
Ok, well the only place I went to was the gym.
Wait. Didn't you celebrate your
workout at the pizza place?
Hahaha, hush now Candice. Yeah, we should probably check the pizza place I think.
This seems like the only pizza place in town where the crust is stuffed with...
sweaters.
- That doesn't even make... - Aaarrrghhhh!
All right, Candice. Go time.
Please find out what her dream present will be.
- Uh, be smooth. - Burski, trust the master.
[Laughing] Birthday girl.
Happy, happy. You birth-birth
[Rapping] Day, day, day, day, day, day, day.
Day, day.
Yo! Ok.
Snappy. So if you weren't interested in
- a present - No present.
If it makes you feel better Bursk, I know what I want for my birthday.
To be right here. ♪
♪ ♪.
Please tip. My name is Relentless.
Uh, yeah, excuse me. Uh...
Mr. Lentless. It turns out that you mistakenly
found my friend's sweater. He needs it back so he can be an
- American. - No, bro I ain't doing that.
We tried. Looks like you're going back to Britain.
No wait, you seem like a good dancer.
You do. I love the crew.
Love the shoulders. Working on mine.
And I don't want to
toot my own horn here. Beep-beep!
Been known to stomp a few yards.
Ok?
[Cheering] Listen, from one dancer to
- another, can you just help us out - Sorry, dude.
- Finders keepers. - Justin, in the ancient world of
combat that does make us "losers weepers".
You know what dude? Check this out.
We challenge you it to a dance contest.
tomorrow at the bar, noon, alright?
If you win you get to keep the sweater.
If we win, we get to have it back.
But if you win also Justin will give you $100.
- Make it $500. - Whoa, whoa what's happening?
- Justin. - Yeah.
What are you insane?
Dude this is going to be a cakewalk, all right?
Let's go Google "dancing".
Where's your crew?
Hey what's up? Turns out my crew is stretching
to avoid injury. Duh.
Novice. Hey, guys, come on out!
Game time. Say hello to Danny's Boyz.
Actually we have a couple of
girls on the crew so we decide to call ourselves "Justin's Boys and Girls"
Okay man. Look, all we need now is a fair
and impartial judge to help with our dance battle.
Ah, excuse me stranger.
Yes, my son?
I was just busy writing a sermon about fairness and honesty.
As luck would have it.
Would you be able to take time out of your busy day and judge our dance battle?
Hmm you know, let me pray on it.
Good news, the boss says yes. [Applause]
As God is our witness literally, let's do this.
Come on!
Whoo!
You b-word!
Do I need to do anything else?
No, no. You win.
♪
I mean none of us sprained anything.
What do you think? How was our dancing?
Well, if I had to put it on a scale of one to ten, I would say you
guys were very, very white.
Brett, What are you doing?
- Your test is in 20 minutes. - It doesn't matter.
I'm not going to pass am I? Donald Trump is going to become
president and throw me over his giant wall right into Mexico.
Hey dude, forget the sweater. You're going to be fine.
- I don't think so, Danny. - Remember when you told me once that
if a really handsome guy with awesome hair caressed your face
in a tender way you could do anything.
Well dude, I'm here to tell you that none of that matters because I think
you can do that on your own.
Listen Danny, I'm not that easily manipulated, ok.
But by gum, you are right!
I can do this on my own. Thank you, Danny.
'Murica!
That was cool man. Maybe you could help me?
I want to get Leslie a birthday gift and I'm willing to spend every
penny I have. Unfortunately for you a penny saved...
is a penny burned. Yeah!
Cool man. I got to say I know that you and
I know you that and I aren't the closest of friends and that's
fine. I figure if I ever need you for
something, that if it mattered would you come through.
By gum, I guess I was wrong.
- What's wrong with Burski? - Oh, you idiot.
Maybe he's a little pissed because to help Brett you formed
a dance crew and all he wants is a little help to get a gift for your sister.
I didn't do anything wrong,
right?
Maybe you're right. No! Doesn't work with me. Ok.
Candice, can you please tell him what I said last night.
Look, it's totally normal for a grown man to cry at end of a movie.
No. The other thing. What is the other thing I said?
Look it's totally normal for a grown man to cry the at beginning of the movie "Joy."
- You need to talk about... Shhhh - I don't know what you're talking about.
Not in front of friends. Look, who knows?
Maybe Burski is the best thing that could happen
to Lesley and you won't even give him a chance.
Oh that.
Just think about that.
You don't deserve to be part of this dance crew.
Your uniform, sir.
Now I'm going to make an
introduction in my new American friend: Brett!
- Way to go citizen! - Thank you.
What are you going to do first? Get diabetes or buy a gun?
I know. I'm so excited.
It sounds corny but this truly is a great country.
Oh, it truly is. Even if we don't nominate a
single black person for an Oscar.
Hey, congrats, man.
But I hope you're not the only success story because I finally
found what to get Leslie for her birthday.
Oh, cashmere scarf. This is so expensive.
Oh, look at me. I'm a rich person. Mmm, cocktails, caviar.
Health insurance.
That's a great gift. Well done. She'll love it.
Les is going to hate that gift.
Look. Leslie's ex-husband used to get
her really expensive gifts whenever he messed up.
He'd be like, "sorry, I slept with your book club."
Here's a watch and also binoculars.
So any time she gets an expensive gift she's reminded of
that time in her life. Look, if you really want to get
in good with my sister, then uh, give her this candy necklace.
I'm just supposed to believe that this is good.
Guess you're going to have to decide on whether or not you
believe I'm your friend.
Hey, Les. I know you said you didn't want
to do this, but I notice that you have been a little blue.
Uh, I kind of got you a birthday gift. I hope you like it.
You got me a, candy necklace?
I love it!
When I was a kid and I would get bummed when my mom was being
lame or my dog died I used to bike down to Market Street and
buy one of these. Who could stay bummed out when
you can eat what you're wearing?
Thank you.
Hey, you want to take me out on a belated birthday diner?
Yeah. We got to stop by somewhere
first, so I have to pawn off a cashmere scarf first.
I guess technically it could be our first date.
Sure. Why not?
Listen, don't make a big deal out of this, ok?
♪ O, say can you see ♪
God bless Danny Burton!
God bless the United States of America.
And if this show gets picked up for another season then God
bless the National Broadcast Company!
-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -- -- www.addic7ed.com --