Morning, everyone.
Morning, sir.
Hey, look.
We're food stain buds.
Who are you wearing? Porridge?
Um...
Oatmeal.
Hmm.
Oh, my God.
He didn't even wipe it off.
He's totally given up on life.
It's loneliness.
Ever since Kevin left for his sabbatical in Paris,
he hasn't been the same.
I tried to get him out of the house.
I invited him to bar trivia, but he turned me down.
Not that Trivia Newton John needed the help.
We're nationally ranked. It's no big deal.
You're right, it's not.
Well, aren't you all just a bunch of big-hearted dum-dums.
You want to make him feel less lonely?
This is how you do it.
A case file? Yeah, dude loves work.
I thought all your cases were closed.
You were bragging about it so much last night,
I couldn't hear the end of the neighbors' fight.
It ended in sex. It always does. It didn't make me horny.
It's a cold case from my first year as a detective.
Is it active again?
No, but Holt doesn't have to know that.
So you're gonna lie to him?
No, I'm going to make him forget about his sadness
through the power of...
Distraction!
He's gone.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
Ah! Hola, mi capitán.
Why am I speaking Italian, you might ask?
That was Spanish.
Yeah, there are too many languages.
An old case of mine is starting to heat up,
and I'd like your old help to help me solve it. Señor?
Still Spanish. Right.
Joey Garibaldi was a mafia lieutenant.
About eight years ago, I was closing in on him
when he disappeared.
But now I'm hearing chatter on the street
that he's back in town.
Will you help me?
Mmm.
Sounds interesting. Count me in.
Yes! Thank you very much, sir.
Uh, good-a bye-a.
Italian.
Ooh, standardized tests?
I have a great trick.
Fill in all the bubbles with Wite-Out,
jams the machine, everyone passes.
These are practice for the lieutenant's exam.
They're kicking my butt. I can't get better than 70%.
C-minus, the perfect grade.
You pass, but you're still hot.
Captain Holt gave me his test to help me study.
Look at what the grader wrote on his essay.
"Thank you for writing this.
"Reading it made me a better man."
I'll never be as good a leader as Holt.
You need to stop focusing on tests.
There's more to life than scores and book learning, okay?
Look at me, I've had no official dance training.
Yet here I stand.
A miracle of movement.
Hey, you guys seen Boyle?
Yep, he's in a little ball under his desk.
DIAZ: Oh, no.
Did you watch Grimm again last night?
You know it gives you nightmares.
I'm sad.
Jason died this morning.
I'm sorry. That's terrible.
Is he a friend of yours? He was my dog.
Oh, okay, so no big deal then.
No, it is to me.
But don't worry,
I'll find a way to power through.
Oh, God.
This is how Jason saw the world.
Wait, was this your dog that humped everything?
Yeah, that's how he died.
He was going to town on one of my snow boots,
and his little heart just gave out.
He didn't even finish. Gross.
Anyway, we have to work a string of B&E's on 4th Street.
It's time for you to move on.
It's what Jackson would've wanted.
Jason! Whatever, little buddy.
Captain, thank you for meeting me.
Sorry to make you work on a Saturday.
No, nonsense, I was free.
Kevin is still in Paris.
Is he? Wow, I totally forgot about that.
Any-hoops, this is all the stuff that we got
from Garibaldi's apartment after he disappeared.
Tell me what you see.
This man is in every photograph.
Nick DiTullio.
I actually brought him in eight years ago, but he refused to talk.
Of course, you know the saying,
"Time shall open up the mouth of every man
"to the truth of his neighbor."
All right, it's a real saying. Let's not dwell on it.
The point is, he's definitely gonna tell us where Garibaldi is.
I don't know where Garibaldi is, all right?
It's not like we were close.
I was just his trainer at the gym.
Then why were you always going out to dinner with him?
Was he doing reps of linguine? Nice.
Look, you don't say no to Garibaldi, all right?
That's why I always let him work his chest and his abs and never his legs.
Yeah, the key is balance. That's why I never worked any of it.
Unless you guys are gonna arrest me, I got to go.
There's an emergency at the gym.
"Emergency at the gym."
Just when two cops show up at his door.
That seems suspicious. We should follow him.
Yeah, this case might actually lead somewhere.
Why do you sound surprised?
Because every day on this job is a wonder.
Damn right it is.
Medical examiner, jackpot.
The gym is full of bodies.
No, Department of Health.
There's been an outbreak of the mumps.
(CHUCKLES) Mumps, that's a funny word.
It's actually a very serious and highly contagious infectious disease.
Yeah, but we're fine.
We were only in contact with that guy for a couple of seconds.
Plus, he didn't even lick any of our eyeballs.
I'm afraid you both have the mumps.
(CHUCKLES) Mumps, still a funny word.
Are we gonna die?
So, you both have the mumps.
Sorry to say, it's very contagious.
You may not want to be here, Detective.
Oh, it's cool.
I keep up to date on all my vaccinations.
I'm immune to stuff you've never even heard of.
But not immune to braggadocio. (CHUCKLING)
Anyhow, over the next several hours,
you will more than likely develop fever, aching, fatigue.
Doesn't sound too bad.
Also, tart foods will cause intense jaw pain,
so you may want to avoid sour candies.
What? You may get painful goiter-like swelling
in your neck and often extreme testicular discomfort.
Okay, okay. Cool, cool.
Cool, cool, cool. Cool, cool, cool.
No doubt.
Due to the highly contagious nature of the virus,
you will both be quarantined to your houses for the next nine days.
Well, nine days in isolation.
Sir, I'd be happy to keep you company.
We can watch the ten-part Nicholas Nickleby special on PBS.
Hear there's a lot of long, quiet stretches.
I do love long, quiet stretches,
but I don't want to be a burden.
Plus, I'm getting used to being on my own.
Or we could be quarantined together, you know, work the case.
Yes, that actually sounds kind of fun.
Kind of? It's gonna be the best week ever.
I'm sorry, did you not hear me say "extreme testicular discomfort"?
Yes, we heard you, Dr. Bad News Doctor.
Okay, so I talked to Captain Holt.
He and Jake have the mumps.
I'm in charge until Holt gets better.
Hello, you wanted to see if you could make a great captain.
Now's your chance to shine.
You're the pretty little understudy.
And the aging lead? Well, she just fell down the stairs.
Now all's you got to do is beat those wings and fly.
So for the next two weeks,
Captain Holt will be on medical leave,
which means I am the acting captain.
And we are your royal subjects.
Do continue.
I want this precinct to get our normal work done,
but also, we're gonna clean out the evidence room,
step up community service,
and complete these 22 additional tasks.
Every time we check one off the list, you're gonna hear this bell.
It's the sound of victory.
Hmm, you should add "fix bell" to that list.
Morning, Captain. Peralta.
I'd like to introduce you to someone.
(GRUNTS)
His name is Simon, and I hate him.
Hello, Simon.
This is Balthazar.
He's an evil demon who spits fire in my throat.
Goiters, huh?
Anyway.
I've been looking over these photographs of the restaurant,
and I've identified several other known mob types.
(SHUDDERS) What is it? Did you see something?
No, I just got very cold very fast.
And now my entire body is somehow on fire.
Oh, these mumps are jerks. Phew!
I also noticed this van is parked out front in several other photographs.
I never noticed that.
The restaurant must have been under surveillance. I bet it was the feds.
You're right. I'll reach out to my contact at the Bureau,
see if I can get us some footage.
Good idea. Also, I know you're not supposed to,
but I kind of want to poke my mump.
Bad idea. I'm going in. Here we go.
(CRIES IN PAIN)
It hurts! How did I not see that coming?
(EXHALES) I feel dizzy.
Hey. You're off the floor.
Yeah. Well, it's like my dad used to say.
"Real men don't cry... for more than three days."
So I decided to get my butt back to work.
Good. You go through all the witness statements yet?
What? Oh, no.
By "work," I meant on Jason's in memoriam video.
Are you serious? Oh, yeah.
Take a look at what I got so far.
♪ Tell me how am I supposed to live without you
♪ Now that I've been loving you so long
Hey, we've got a lot to do.
Focus up and stop watching funny dog videos.
(WHIMPERS)
This might just be the fever talking,
but this unedited footage of an Italian restaurant
from eight years ago might be the best movie I've ever seen.
Also, how weird are forks?
Forks are very weird. I've always thought so.
Yeah, yeah. (SNIFFLES)
Did we take too much cold medicine? Not by a long shot.
Balthazar is a thirsty bitch.
Ah, I'll drink to that. (LAUGHS)
Wait, look. (GRUNTS)
Garkabargo!
Oh, sorry, can't... Can't talk.
Need more medi-jen.
Garibaldi!
He's eating snakes!
No, it's spaghetti.
(GROANS) It's always spaghetti.
I'm just saying, if that's spaghetti,
it looks like snakes.
(BELL DINGS)
That's right, Nine-Nine.
That's the sound of the victory bell.
We just crossed our first task off the list.
(ALL CHEERING) GINA: Oh, my goodness.
Terry, that is so great. Which one was it?
Fix bell. All right.
Little less than I had hoped for, but still a thing.
You gonna hear that sound nonstop.
HITCHCOCK: Unhand her, you beast!
Give it to me!
What the hell is going on in here?
Hitchcock's trying to steal my sandwich.
Well, we both ordered meatball subs, but they only delivered one.
It's mine!
Guys, guys, look, just walk to the sub shop,
it's a block away, and get a second sandwich.
Walk? Are you insane?
Fine, cut the damn sandwich in half.
And then what, genius? We each eat a 6-inch sub?
Two and a half meatballs a piece?
Are we children? What is this, Russia?
Okay, that's it. No one eats the sub.
Get back to work!
Wait a minute. Why'd he just go in the kitchen?
Do we have eyes in the kitchen?
We got eyes everywhere, man.
Ow, ow, icky, icky, ow.
Look, he slipped the chef a piece of paper.
I bet it's the address of his hideout.
The chef knows where the hideout is.
His name is Richie Lignardi.
We talk to him, we find Garibaldi.
We have to go right now.
Go where? (GASPS)
What's on your face? Huh?
Oh, right. Yes, my disgusting deformity.
Um, here, let me just...
Hey, what's up, girl?
Better? It's not worse.
We're on our way right now to talk to a lead
that knows where Garibaldi's hideout is.
You're quarantined.
You can't go outside spewing mumps
like a couple of mump fountains.
Not like this, we can't!
♪ Everyday I'm hustlin'
♪ E- everyday I'm hustlin'
♪ Everyday I'm hustlin'
♪ E- everyday I'm hustlin'
♪ Everyday I'm hustlin' ♪
Stop, you can't leave at all.
Good luck trying to stop us.
You'll never catch us!
Amy is Usain Bolt.
Is this the piece of paper you're looking for?
You found the address?
No, it's a recipe for baked ziti.
It was taped to your wall the entire time.
You're delirious, and you're sick,
and you definitely didn't solve the case.
You need to go back inside.
Well, I can't.
My legs stopped working.
(GROANING)
My testicles! The mumps have reached my testicles.
All right, just finish taking off
your totally ineffective biohazard suits
and have a little rest.
Nonsense, Santiago.
We just have to buckle down and work harder.
We simply hit a bump in the road.
More like a mump in the road.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(BOTH GROANING)
Such a good one.
Jake, can I talk to you in private for a minute?
Sure thing, let me just snag this, cover up the ol' swell sack.
All right.
Okay, so here's the deal.
I have a high fever, and I can't control my body,
but you can do whatever you want to me.
Oh, but don't touch my mouth, neck, or testicles.
You've badly misread the situation.
Oh, thank God.
Jake, you need to drop this case.
What are you talking about?
The plan is working perfectly.
Holt hasn't been lonely all week.
Yeah, because he's too busy almost dying.
Look at him.
What? He's just Beautiful Mind-ing it.
Because he's a genius.
He's writing the word "case" over and over again.
(GROANS) Now he's spelling it with a "K."
PERALTA: Is that not how you spell it?
Again, I have a mouth, neck, and testicle-melting fever.
Jake. Enough is enough. Hmm? Yeah.
You need to drop this stupid backburner cold case
before you both die or I will kill you.
Oh, my God, I thought I was following her.
Yep, I should probably lie down.
Here we go.
(GROANS)
Case!
What are you doing? I'm just sealing Jason's collar
in an airtight bag so it retains his scent.
I don't know how many whiffs I have left.
Wow.
Look, I know that dog meant a lot to you, so I got you this.
It's a dog.
His name's Arlo, but you can call him Jason Two or whatever.
Seriously? I can't just replace Jason with some other dog.
Why not? All dogs are basically the same.
Watch this. Arlo, go hump that toy.
(TOY SQUEAKS) Get away from that. That's Jason's.
Look, man, I've been patient.
We have a case we need to work on.
It's time for you to get over it, move on.
Move on? Move on.
Jason was part of my family, Rosa. I loved him.
His humping was the only thing that got me through my divorce.
Seeing him so happy made me believe
that I could be happy one day, too.
You wouldn't understand this because you
have a motorcycle helmet for a heart,
but I need to feel this sadness.
So the only thing that I'm moving on from is you.
(TOY SQUEAKS)
So I, like, have a dog now?
Hey, what's going on with those files?
Oh, we're not working on them.
We're on strike. Hunger strike.
You're eating potato chips.
SCULLY: Chips don't count.
My doctor said they have zero nutritional value.
We want meatball subs. You had no right to take ours.
Screw this.
I'll log those files and teach the hazmat class,
and I'll do everyone's work, because apparently
I am the only one keeping this precinct together!
Um, I think you closed the door too hard.
Hey, I found popsicles.
These should help cool us down.
(GROANS)
(SIGHS)
(IN A FALSE VOICE) "Thanks, Jake." You're welcome, nards.
Peralta, Balthazar has a sister.
Meet... Penelope.
Whoo, yeah, mumps on mumps.
Let's not dwell on it. We should get back to work.
Or we could fall asleep for five to seven days and see how we feel.
I will not rest till justice is served.
There's no time to waste.
This case is urgent.
Oh, boy. (SIGHS)
All right, listen.
The case may not be quite as urgent as once thought.
Um...
I dug it up out of my desk so you'd have something to do on weekends
because you seemed so lonely.
You cited chatter from the streets that Garibaldi had resurfaced.
I did. I did. I did.
But said chatter may have been fudged.
So you lied to me?
Out of pity. You pitied me.
I wouldn't put it that way. I would.
I am offended. I am angry.
I am very tired.
So I'm gonna take a nap, but when I wake up... Oh...
You are in for it.
How dare you?
How dare me?
How dare you?
I was just trying to help.
Oh, your help feels an awful lot like pity,
so do me a favor and don't ever help me again.
Well, well, you didn't seem to mind me helping you
when I got you your job back at the Nine-Nine.
I didn't ask you to do that.
(PERALTA GASPS)
You said we were out of peas, you pea hog!
You're the pea hog! You're the pea hog!
No, you! You take that back!
You! (BOTH YELL)
Double poke!
(GROANS) (LAUGHS)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
BOTH: Gah!
SANTIAGO: Okay, hope you guys are hungry.
Made baked ziti.
Thought it would be fun to use Garibaldi's ultra-authentic recipe.
Oh, great, pity food.
Thank you anyway, but I can cook for myself.
Wow, I would roll my eyes so hard right now
if it didn't make my brain burn.
Okay, Captain, this ends now.
I know your pride is hurt, but no one ever took pity on you.
All we wanted to do was help you when you were down
because that's what people do when they care about each other.
They tell each other lies and invent
urgent mysteries that need to be solved?
Come up with excuses to spend time together
like trivia nights or folk art festivals.
Or working old-ass cases with their mumpy boy, Jake.
Back to you, Amy. We're doing great.
You're gonna eat this ziti, and you're gonna appreciate it,
and you're gonna grow the hell up.
Okay, you're right.
I'm sorry for the way I acted.
I can't wait to eat your food.
Ugh.
This is revolting.
PERALTA: Wow.
Have you learned nothing?
Oh, God!
That is worse than the mumps, Amy.
SANTIAGO: What the hell?
I used Garibaldi's exact recipe.
I know I'm not a great cook,
but I love following instructions.
Seven cups of salt?
Even I know this isn't a recipe.
Which means it might be a code.
Ooh, interesting.
Ten digits, maybe it's a phone number.
Look, 718, Brooklyn area code.
Yes, that's definitely it.
Wait, did you actually use all of this salt and 18 cups of oregano?
Back off, I solved the case.
Nine onions? Oh, Amy.
How am I the bad guy here?
All right, all right. Looks good.
I can barely tell you hulked out in here.
Yeah, (SIGHS) but two weeks in charge,
and I didn't get any of my goals accomplished.
You got Hitchcock and Scully off their hunger strike.
I just threw a bunch of popcorn on the floor.
It wasn't that hard.
Yeah, they're animals.
Do you want to know why the amazing Captain Holt
has never gotten the evidence room cleaned
or done anything on your list? Why?
Because all day long he's putting out fires.
That's what a captain does. Hmm.
The only difference between you and Holt
is that he lacks the strength to close a door so hard a room blows up.
Thanks, Gina.
Ah, you don't have to thank me.
All I did was be the only person who believes in you.
Don't lean against the door.
Terry caused structural damage.
My God, you're strong.
(SIGHS)
Briefing room, now.
I really don't feel like having you yell at me anymore.
What is this?
It's a funeral for Jason.
I want to say a few words.
When Jason died seven days ago, I didn't give a rat's ass.
This is your speech?
'Cause I didn't understand why people
care so much about their dumb dogs...
Until I got a dumb dog myself.
I've only had Arlo for a day and a half,
but if anything happened to him,
I would kill everyone in this room and then myself.
Very violent eulogy, I like it.
Charles, I'm sorry.
You don't have to get over it.
Take as long as you want.
Scully, it's time.
♪ Ave Maria ♪
HOLT: Okay, thank you.
Good news, Garibaldi's phone number's still active,
so they were able to locate him.
SWAT just picked him up.
So that's that. Yeah, that's that.
Perfect timing as our quarantine
has finally ended and our goiters are gone.
Yes, indeed.
We're free to go outside and lick whoever's eyeballs we'd like.
Inaccurate, no one is ever free to do that.
Yeah, you're right.
Anyhow, I am out.
Uh, wait a minute.
(INHALES)
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
I was too proud to admit I was lonely.
So, thank you.
You're welcome. Ain't no thang.
No, it is a thang, and an even bigger thang
is that you brought me back to the Nine-Nine,
and I will always be grateful for that.
So, here.
This is for you. Ah.
Oh, sour candies, I missed you so much.
Ah.
(GROANS) It burns!
(CRYING) Thank you for this gift.
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll