1
00:00:08,608 --> 00:00:10,473
Look at all these people.
2
00:00:10,643 --> 00:00:11,905
Exercising in
the middle of the day,
3
00:00:12,078 --> 00:00:13,943
drinking their free-range,
cold-pressed nut juice.
4
00:00:14,147 --> 00:00:15,136
(CHUCKLES)
5
00:00:15,615 --> 00:00:16,809
I mean, don't they have jobs?
6
00:00:17,283 --> 00:00:20,013
Gotta make you wonder
who's funding this lifestyle.
7
00:00:20,186 --> 00:00:22,620
Rich parents? Ex-husbands?
8
00:00:22,789 --> 00:00:24,086
Illuminati?
9
00:00:25,258 --> 00:00:26,953
- The who?
- Exactly.
10
00:00:28,461 --> 00:00:31,055
DISPATCH OFFICER: All units,
we have a 10-37 at Cicero and Irving.
11
00:00:31,231 --> 00:00:32,823
Possible stolen vehicle.
12
00:00:40,306 --> 00:00:42,274
Should we get that?
13
00:00:42,442 --> 00:00:44,569
I suppose we should.
14
00:00:45,812 --> 00:00:47,746
OFFICER: Car 2686 responding.
15
00:00:47,914 --> 00:00:50,849
Ah, looks like Ramirez
beat us to the punch.
16
00:00:51,017 --> 00:00:53,212
Just as well,
we got our hands full here.
17
00:00:54,654 --> 00:00:57,418
Unbelievable. All these people
are on permanent vacation
18
00:00:57,590 --> 00:00:59,922
while we're working like dogs.
19
00:01:00,093 --> 00:01:01,822
Ain't that the truth.
Hey, you want a snow cone?
20
00:01:01,995 --> 00:01:03,656
I would.
21
00:01:03,830 --> 00:01:05,855
Hey, your feet, my treat.
22
00:01:06,032 --> 00:01:08,227
- Car 2607 responding.
- All right.
23
00:01:10,670 --> 00:01:12,695
Hey, I'll get a jump
on our paperwork.
24
00:01:14,441 --> 00:01:15,499
Or not.
25
00:01:26,886 --> 00:01:29,354
I forgot to tell Carl
what flavor.
26
00:01:31,724 --> 00:01:33,351
Ah, he'll surprise me.
27
00:01:35,295 --> 00:01:37,286
(THEME SONG)
28
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:45,000
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
29
00:02:02,489 --> 00:02:05,014
Ugh, what is the matter
with the Internet?
30
00:02:05,191 --> 00:02:06,818
Tell me about it.
You leave out one letter,
31
00:02:06,993 --> 00:02:09,052
and you're seeing things
you can't un-see.
32
00:02:09,229 --> 00:02:12,528
Made that mistake looking up
"grandfather clocks."
33
00:02:14,367 --> 00:02:18,303
No, I meant the signal's down.
And you left that website up.
34
00:02:18,471 --> 00:02:20,962
Now, it's forever frozen here
and in here.
35
00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:22,130
(DOOR OPENS)
36
00:02:22,742 --> 00:02:24,607
All right, Molly,
cancel the credit cards!
37
00:02:24,777 --> 00:02:26,608
Is this about the $600 boots?
38
00:02:26,779 --> 00:02:28,542
- What?
- What?
39
00:02:30,316 --> 00:02:31,908
No, my wallet got stolen.
40
00:02:32,085 --> 00:02:33,347
- Oh, bummer.
- Oh, no.
41
00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:35,044
Did you call the cops?
42
00:02:37,023 --> 00:02:38,149
I had everything in there.
43
00:02:38,324 --> 00:02:39,313
My driver's license,
44
00:02:39,492 --> 00:02:41,016
my Social Security card,
lottery ticket.
45
00:02:41,194 --> 00:02:44,095
Maybe I won, maybe I didn't.
We'll never know.
46
00:02:44,664 --> 00:02:45,653
Where'd they steal it from?
47
00:02:45,832 --> 00:02:47,823
Straight off the dashboard
of my squad car.
48
00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:50,196
So, it was a classic
smash-and-grab, huh?
49
00:02:52,071 --> 00:02:54,062
It was more of
a grab than smash.
50
00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:57,698
The window was open,
'cause there was a nice breeze.
51
00:02:58,611 --> 00:03:00,772
So, wait, you were in the car
when it happened?
52
00:03:00,947 --> 00:03:03,438
No. Of course he wasn't, Mom.
53
00:03:04,884 --> 00:03:06,909
Nah, he was in the car.
54
00:03:07,921 --> 00:03:10,754
I swear, I only closed my eyes
for a couple of seconds.
55
00:03:10,924 --> 00:03:12,186
You fell asleep?
56
00:03:12,358 --> 00:03:15,122
No, no. I wouldn't
call it sleep, exactly.
57
00:03:15,295 --> 00:03:17,354
More like a 10-minute blink?
58
00:03:17,864 --> 00:03:19,764
How the hell would I know?
I wasn't wearing a watch.
59
00:03:19,933 --> 00:03:22,231
Good thing. They probably
would've stole that, too.
60
00:03:24,270 --> 00:03:27,398
Where was Carl?
Was he also blinking?
61
00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:29,531
No.
62
00:03:30,443 --> 00:03:32,240
He was out
getting us snow cones.
63
00:03:34,314 --> 00:03:36,748
Okay, we just
want you to know that
64
00:03:36,916 --> 00:03:39,476
we're just glad
that you're okay.
65
00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:41,714
But I'm keeping the boots.
66
00:03:52,799 --> 00:03:54,767
Okay, so,
it wasn't your best day.
67
00:03:55,668 --> 00:03:56,760
It was humiliating.
68
00:03:56,936 --> 00:03:58,301
Hey, this is not all on you.
69
00:03:58,471 --> 00:04:00,632
Okay, this is an indictment
on modern society.
70
00:04:00,807 --> 00:04:01,831
I mean, what kind of
a world is this that
71
00:04:02,008 --> 00:04:04,909
a police officer can't sleep
safely in his own squad car.
72
00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:07,740
I never should've been sleeping
in my squad car.
73
00:04:07,914 --> 00:04:10,007
That's another way
to look at it.
74
00:04:10,583 --> 00:04:11,914
You know, when I first
came out of the academy,
75
00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:14,519
they paired me
with this old-timer, Perzecki.
76
00:04:14,687 --> 00:04:15,745
He kept a pillow in his car.
77
00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:17,116
Put it under his arm
when he drove,
78
00:04:17,290 --> 00:04:18,917
and under his head
when he took a nap.
79
00:04:19,092 --> 00:04:21,253
He even named it.
"Officer Down."
80
00:04:22,862 --> 00:04:24,921
I would have gone with
"Captain Memory Foam."
81
00:04:26,699 --> 00:04:28,098
Okay.
82
00:04:29,135 --> 00:04:30,432
I used to think
that guy was a joke.
83
00:04:30,603 --> 00:04:32,093
Now look who the joke is.
84
00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:33,500
Hey, come on now,
you're not that bad.
85
00:04:33,673 --> 00:04:36,233
Is that what I'm going for now,
Carl? "Not that bad?"
86
00:04:36,409 --> 00:04:38,536
- I was asleep in a squad car.
- (SIGHS)
87
00:04:38,711 --> 00:04:40,736
It could have been so much worse
than a stolen wallet.
88
00:04:40,913 --> 00:04:44,371
By the grace of God, I didn't
get a penis drawn on my face.
89
00:04:45,451 --> 00:04:47,146
God is good.
90
00:04:48,187 --> 00:04:49,950
Look what happened to us.
91
00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:51,647
Hey, where are those
gung-ho rookies
92
00:04:51,824 --> 00:04:53,382
who wanted to grab the world
in a choke hold
93
00:04:53,559 --> 00:04:54,821
and never let go?
94
00:04:55,194 --> 00:04:56,991
(CHUCKLES) Those were good times, huh?
95
00:04:57,163 --> 00:04:59,688
Hey, remember that chop shop
we busted up on Melvina?
96
00:04:59,866 --> 00:05:01,663
- Yeah. Didn't even call for backup.
- Mmm-mmm.
97
00:05:01,868 --> 00:05:03,699
Just you, me, 13 Albanians,
98
00:05:03,870 --> 00:05:05,633
and half a DeLorean.
- (LAUGHING)
99
00:05:05,805 --> 00:05:07,739
You know,
we could still be those guys.
100
00:05:09,208 --> 00:05:11,039
- You think so?
- I know so.
101
00:05:12,211 --> 00:05:14,008
"Bad boys, bad boys,
102
00:05:14,180 --> 00:05:18,344
"whatcha gonna do when McMillan
and Biggs come for you?"
103
00:05:19,485 --> 00:05:20,884
Look at my arm.
You gave me goose-bumps.
104
00:05:21,721 --> 00:05:22,710
DISPATCHER: Robbery in progress.
105
00:05:22,889 --> 00:05:24,584
Shell station,
Division and North.
106
00:05:24,757 --> 00:05:26,884
This is 2607 responding.
107
00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:28,186
- All right, let's roll.
- (EXCLAIMING)
108
00:05:28,394 --> 00:05:29,691
- Look at us.
- (SIREN WAILING)
109
00:05:29,862 --> 00:05:31,591
Hey, if you had your perm
and I had my adult braces,
110
00:05:31,764 --> 00:05:34,494
- I'd swear this was 10 years ago.
- (CHUCKLES)
111
00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:41,534
You are never gonna believe
what happened at work.
112
00:05:41,708 --> 00:05:43,505
You stayed awake all day?
113
00:05:44,544 --> 00:05:45,533
You're damn right I did.
114
00:05:45,712 --> 00:05:47,441
And I remembered
why I became a cop.
115
00:05:47,613 --> 00:05:50,207
Because you failed
the pipe fitter's exam.
116
00:05:51,084 --> 00:05:54,281
That, and I wanted
to take a bite out of crime.
117
00:05:54,454 --> 00:05:56,786
But today, crime
118
00:05:56,956 --> 00:05:58,617
took a bite out of me.
119
00:05:59,025 --> 00:06:00,083
What is that?
120
00:06:00,259 --> 00:06:02,056
Dog bite.
121
00:06:02,228 --> 00:06:03,718
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah,
122
00:06:03,896 --> 00:06:05,796
I chased a purse snatcher
over a barbed wire fence
123
00:06:05,965 --> 00:06:06,954
into a junkyard,
124
00:06:07,133 --> 00:06:09,727
where we were both attacked
by a giant pit-bull.
125
00:06:09,902 --> 00:06:11,597
Everyone was biting everyone.
126
00:06:11,771 --> 00:06:13,864
And the day
just got better from there.
127
00:06:14,607 --> 00:06:16,472
I don't know
how that's possible.
128
00:06:16,909 --> 00:06:21,471
Ah, anything is possible
when you give a damn.
129
00:06:24,550 --> 00:06:25,539
I don't love a high-five.
130
00:06:25,718 --> 00:06:28,448
But you, sir,
deserve a high-five.
131
00:06:28,921 --> 00:06:31,082
Thanks. The last one you gave me
was on our honeymoon.
132
00:06:31,257 --> 00:06:32,884
Well, you earned that one, too.
133
00:06:33,092 --> 00:06:34,081
(CHUCKLES)
134
00:06:34,994 --> 00:06:36,825
So, uh...
135
00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:40,927
- Well, where is everybody?
- Oh, they went to the movies.
136
00:06:42,635 --> 00:06:44,432
Really?
137
00:06:46,739 --> 00:06:48,730
I know that "really."
138
00:06:49,175 --> 00:06:52,303
What are you thinking,
we sneak upstairs, hmm?
139
00:06:53,112 --> 00:06:54,306
No.
140
00:06:56,115 --> 00:06:57,104
(EXCLAIMS)
141
00:06:57,316 --> 00:06:58,908
- Table for two?
- No.
142
00:06:59,085 --> 00:07:00,177
They're gonna be home
in 20 minutes.
143
00:07:00,353 --> 00:07:02,583
- Then we'd better get started.
- (GASPS) You know what? All right.
144
00:07:02,755 --> 00:07:05,952
Fine. Let me just set
the timer just in case.
145
00:07:07,693 --> 00:07:09,251
Wait, how long
did you set it for?
146
00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:11,920
Oh, you know what?
Let's think positive.
147
00:07:23,976 --> 00:07:25,705
Man, we've been hitting it hard
all morning.
148
00:07:25,878 --> 00:07:27,345
What do you say we take a break?
149
00:07:27,513 --> 00:07:29,981
Hey, crime doesn't take a break.
150
00:07:31,017 --> 00:07:32,678
Oh, look at this scumbag.
151
00:07:32,852 --> 00:07:34,080
- Which one?
- The one in black,
152
00:07:34,253 --> 00:07:36,016
hassling that homeless guy.
153
00:07:36,189 --> 00:07:39,181
(OVER SPEAKER) Hey, punk. Leave him alone
and put your hands in the air.
154
00:07:39,358 --> 00:07:42,691
Ooh! I am sorry, Father!
I didn't see the collar.
155
00:07:43,696 --> 00:07:45,186
You might want
to pull back a little.
156
00:07:45,364 --> 00:07:48,629
Hey, crime doesn't pull back.
157
00:07:48,801 --> 00:07:50,632
Man, you can't just keep putting
"crime doesn't"
158
00:07:50,803 --> 00:07:52,395
before everything I say.
159
00:07:52,572 --> 00:07:54,039
I'm sorry,
I'm just so pumped up.
160
00:07:54,207 --> 00:07:55,970
I'm tellin' ya, Carl,
getting my wallet stolen
161
00:07:56,142 --> 00:07:57,973
was the best thing
that ever happened to me.
162
00:07:58,144 --> 00:07:59,543
Hey, listen, I love the
new wide-awake Mike.
163
00:07:59,712 --> 00:08:01,407
But we need to be
smart about this.
164
00:08:01,581 --> 00:08:02,843
Yeah, I wouldn't've drank
that second cup of coffee
165
00:08:03,015 --> 00:08:05,006
if I knew we weren't taking
pee breaks.
166
00:08:05,184 --> 00:08:06,208
Carl, 11 o'clock.
167
00:08:06,385 --> 00:08:09,218
No, no, I got a tiny bladder.
I can't wait 'til 11:00!
168
00:08:09,388 --> 00:08:10,753
No, no, the punk on the bike.
169
00:08:10,923 --> 00:08:12,254
Am I crazy,
or does he look like the guy
170
00:08:12,425 --> 00:08:14,222
that's been pulling all those
second floor B and Es?
171
00:08:14,393 --> 00:08:16,384
There's only one way
to find out.
172
00:08:16,562 --> 00:08:17,551
Hey, you, on the bike.
173
00:08:17,730 --> 00:08:19,857
Pull over to the sidewalk.
174
00:08:20,032 --> 00:08:21,260
Yep, we got a runner.
175
00:08:21,434 --> 00:08:23,265
Son-of-a-bitch
thinks he can shake us
176
00:08:23,436 --> 00:08:24,425
by going down that narrow alley.
177
00:08:24,604 --> 00:08:26,731
We'll go down a block, head west,
and we'll catch him on the other side.
178
00:08:26,906 --> 00:08:29,101
- Ah, too risky. We'll lose him.
- What?
179
00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:30,737
(TIRES SCREECH)
180
00:08:31,377 --> 00:08:32,674
Are you sure
we can fit down there?
181
00:08:32,845 --> 00:08:34,210
Nope.
182
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:35,503
(SIREN WAILING)
183
00:08:37,950 --> 00:08:39,747
- Well, I'll be damned. We fit.
- (CHUCKLES)
184
00:08:42,054 --> 00:08:43,351
(GROANS)
185
00:08:43,689 --> 00:08:44,747
Could you watch the potholes?
186
00:08:44,924 --> 00:08:46,687
I told you,
I gotta go to the bathroom.
187
00:08:50,429 --> 00:08:52,556
- Take the wheel.
- What?
188
00:08:53,633 --> 00:08:54,622
(YELLS)
189
00:08:55,034 --> 00:08:56,296
I got him.
190
00:08:56,636 --> 00:08:57,625
Oh... (LAUGHING)
191
00:08:57,937 --> 00:08:59,461
Brakes, brakes, brakes!
192
00:09:03,075 --> 00:09:04,064
Ah...
193
00:09:05,044 --> 00:09:06,033
(PANTING)
194
00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:09,609
That
195
00:09:09,782 --> 00:09:10,942
was awesome.
196
00:09:20,793 --> 00:09:22,852
So, right before I nail him,
I yell out the window and I go,
197
00:09:23,029 --> 00:09:25,930
"You got the right
to eat asphalt!"
198
00:09:26,198 --> 00:09:27,290
(ALL LAUGHING)
199
00:09:28,467 --> 00:09:29,559
I didn't hear you say that.
200
00:09:31,003 --> 00:09:32,630
Well, I thought of it
afterwards.
201
00:09:32,805 --> 00:09:34,170
But how cool
would that have been?
202
00:09:35,308 --> 00:09:36,639
I never thought
I'd say this, Biggs,
203
00:09:36,809 --> 00:09:38,003
but you're the real deal.
204
00:09:38,177 --> 00:09:39,804
You are "the police."
205
00:09:39,979 --> 00:09:41,640
Well, it's nothing any of you
wouldn't have done
206
00:09:41,814 --> 00:09:45,306
if you loved this damn city
as much as I do.
207
00:09:46,485 --> 00:09:47,645
Hey, congratulations.
208
00:09:47,820 --> 00:09:49,378
You wrecked a $50,000 squad car
209
00:09:49,555 --> 00:09:50,852
and almost killed us
in the process.
210
00:09:51,023 --> 00:09:52,251
- Nice.
- Mmm.
211
00:09:54,393 --> 00:09:56,224
Oh, my God. Are you okay?
212
00:09:56,395 --> 00:09:57,589
Oh, it's nothing, just a scratch.
213
00:09:57,763 --> 00:10:00,231
Eighteen stitches.
214
00:10:00,399 --> 00:10:01,889
Hey, you should be proud
of your husband.
215
00:10:02,068 --> 00:10:03,763
He put his life
on the line today.
216
00:10:03,936 --> 00:10:06,928
Yeah, I know. I am.
I am so proud.
217
00:10:07,106 --> 00:10:09,301
(WHISPERING) What the hell
is the matter with you?
218
00:10:09,475 --> 00:10:11,340
Carl called me
and told me what you did.
219
00:10:11,510 --> 00:10:13,375
Pretty sexy, huh?
220
00:10:13,546 --> 00:10:14,843
No! You know what's sexy,
221
00:10:15,014 --> 00:10:16,606
is you coming home to me
in one piece.
222
00:10:16,782 --> 00:10:18,374
Well, look, I gotta make
tough decisions out there.
223
00:10:18,551 --> 00:10:20,781
I don't have time to call home
and ask permission.
224
00:10:20,953 --> 00:10:21,942
OFFICER SEELY: Yo, Biggs!
225
00:10:22,121 --> 00:10:23,884
Me and the boys, we're taking
you out for a drink.
226
00:10:24,056 --> 00:10:25,182
Oh, that sounds good.
227
00:10:26,192 --> 00:10:27,284
Can I go?
228
00:10:31,197 --> 00:10:33,563
That's gonna leave
a nice scar, Biggs.
229
00:10:33,733 --> 00:10:35,462
Ah, no big deal. It's not the first.
230
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:36,693
Yeah. Show 'em the one
you got on your thumb
231
00:10:36,869 --> 00:10:38,029
opening that can of tuna.
232
00:10:38,904 --> 00:10:42,237
Mixed in the mayo before I even
went to the hospital.
233
00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:43,942
- (LAUGHING)
- You want to see a real scar?
234
00:10:44,110 --> 00:10:45,475
Check this out.
235
00:10:45,745 --> 00:10:46,734
(GRUNTS)
236
00:10:46,912 --> 00:10:47,970
- Ooh...
- Oh!
237
00:10:48,147 --> 00:10:49,705
- Bullet wound?
- Bite mark.
238
00:10:49,882 --> 00:10:51,474
Serving a warrant
to the one meth head in town
239
00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:53,551
- who still had teeth.
- (ALL LAUGH)
240
00:10:53,986 --> 00:10:56,580
Come on, that's nothing.
Look at this.
241
00:10:56,756 --> 00:10:58,656
- Look at that. See that?
- Oh! Oh.
242
00:10:58,824 --> 00:10:59,882
Domestic call.
243
00:11:00,059 --> 00:11:02,459
Some piece of crap is knocking
the snot out of his wife.
244
00:11:02,628 --> 00:11:04,152
So, I pull him off her,
245
00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:05,661
and as I'm cuffing him,
246
00:11:05,831 --> 00:11:08,595
the broad stabs me in the back
with a steak knife.
247
00:11:08,768 --> 00:11:10,998
See? That's what you get
for trying to help people.
248
00:11:11,170 --> 00:11:12,637
You know what?
Up to me, I'd say,
249
00:11:12,805 --> 00:11:15,171
just let all the dirt bags
kill all the scumbags.
250
00:11:15,341 --> 00:11:16,330
Problem solved.
251
00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:19,103
And we go fishing.
252
00:11:19,278 --> 00:11:21,576
Easy now, let's not forget we're
still talking about people here.
253
00:11:25,484 --> 00:11:27,179
I don't know what calls
you're taking, McMillan,
254
00:11:27,353 --> 00:11:29,981
but some days I feel like
I'm working animal control.
255
00:11:30,156 --> 00:11:32,317
At least you could spay
and neuter an animal.
256
00:11:32,558 --> 00:11:33,752
(LAUGHING)
257
00:11:34,193 --> 00:11:35,785
Uh, are you listening to yourselves?
258
00:11:35,961 --> 00:11:38,452
People respond to us
based on how we treat them.
259
00:11:38,631 --> 00:11:40,258
You catch more flies with honey.
260
00:11:41,801 --> 00:11:43,268
(ALL LAUGHING)
261
00:11:45,104 --> 00:11:46,867
You keep catching flies, McMillan.
262
00:11:47,039 --> 00:11:48,028
Hey, hey, hey,
263
00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:50,539
uh, maybe instead of a gun,
you could carry a butterfly net.
264
00:11:52,044 --> 00:11:53,341
Yeah, put on
a big floppy sun hat
265
00:11:53,512 --> 00:11:54,672
- and skip around the city.
- (LAUGHS)
266
00:11:55,014 --> 00:11:57,175
You know what? He actually
has one of those hats.
267
00:11:57,516 --> 00:11:58,505
(ALL LAUGHING)
268
00:11:58,884 --> 00:12:00,681
Yeah, the back of my neck
still looks like I'm 25.
269
00:12:00,853 --> 00:12:02,320
You know what?
270
00:12:02,488 --> 00:12:03,614
I'm gonna call it a night.
271
00:12:03,789 --> 00:12:06,019
Ah, come on, Carl.
The guys are just bustin' balls.
272
00:12:06,192 --> 00:12:07,181
Let him go.
273
00:12:07,359 --> 00:12:08,826
He needs to get home
and make some herbal tea
274
00:12:08,994 --> 00:12:10,894
- and watch The Good Wife.
- (CHUCKLES)
275
00:12:11,063 --> 00:12:12,155
Nice one.
276
00:12:12,331 --> 00:12:15,198
Although, you know,
that show has not been the same
277
00:12:15,367 --> 00:12:17,232
- since Will died.
- Yeah, yeah.
278
00:12:17,403 --> 00:12:19,337
- That's right.
- That's right.
279
00:12:25,845 --> 00:12:28,211
- Oh, hey, Mike.
- Hey.
280
00:12:28,380 --> 00:12:31,474
I heard about your accident.
That seemed really scary.
281
00:12:31,650 --> 00:12:34,483
Crime doesn't stop for scary.
282
00:12:35,921 --> 00:12:38,651
And Carl's right.
It doesn't work every time.
283
00:12:39,525 --> 00:12:41,516
If you're dumb enough to
break the law in front of a cop,
284
00:12:41,694 --> 00:12:43,355
you get what you deserve.
285
00:12:43,529 --> 00:12:44,860
What are you...
Wait, what are you doing?
286
00:12:45,331 --> 00:12:47,424
Mmm. Don't worry about it.
I told the family next door
287
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:50,933
that there's a bunch of skunks
living under the porch.
288
00:12:51,103 --> 00:12:53,037
See? This is the problem
right here.
289
00:12:53,205 --> 00:12:54,900
Mike, the skunks aren't real.
290
00:12:55,074 --> 00:12:57,201
I made it up so that
I could smoke weed on the porch.
291
00:12:57,376 --> 00:13:00,573
No, it's a blatant lack
of respect for the law.
292
00:13:00,746 --> 00:13:02,373
- And me.
- Hey!
293
00:13:02,548 --> 00:13:05,711
- You can't do that!
- Yeah, I can. I'm the police.
294
00:13:05,885 --> 00:13:08,718
Give it back!
295
00:13:08,888 --> 00:13:10,378
I am flushing it.
296
00:13:10,556 --> 00:13:12,683
That is my stash!
297
00:13:12,858 --> 00:13:14,883
Citizen's arrest!
Citizen's arrest!
298
00:13:15,060 --> 00:13:18,461
Hey, get off of me!
You're assaulting an officer!
299
00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:21,361
Well, you assaulted
my doobie, brother!
300
00:13:21,534 --> 00:13:23,092
- Is that right?
- Yeah, that's right.
301
00:13:23,269 --> 00:13:24,668
- Well, you have the right
- (GASPS)
302
00:13:24,904 --> 00:13:26,064
To remain here!
303
00:13:26,238 --> 00:13:29,537
You can't handcuff me!
You're not my boyfriend!
304
00:13:29,708 --> 00:13:31,107
What the hell's going on?
305
00:13:31,277 --> 00:13:34,246
Your husband's being cruel
and it's unusual!
306
00:13:34,413 --> 00:13:36,074
Mike, why did you handcuff my sister
307
00:13:36,248 --> 00:13:37,306
- to the stairs?
- (TOILET FLUSHING)
308
00:13:37,483 --> 00:13:39,474
Well, because she broke the law
right in front of me.
309
00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:40,983
What am I supposed to do,
ignore that?
310
00:13:41,153 --> 00:13:44,384
Yes! You have for years.
We pretend it's a skunk.
311
00:13:44,890 --> 00:13:46,414
Well, pretend time is over.
312
00:13:46,592 --> 00:13:48,116
I put my life on the line
out there.
313
00:13:48,294 --> 00:13:49,989
I can't have some
wigged-out hophead
314
00:13:50,162 --> 00:13:51,823
sparking up
right in front of me.
315
00:13:52,331 --> 00:13:55,425
You should have said something!
I would've gotten edibles!
316
00:13:55,968 --> 00:13:58,459
Here. Next time, she goes to jail.
317
00:13:58,637 --> 00:14:01,003
What, are you gonna go rough up
my mom and Vince now?
318
00:14:01,173 --> 00:14:03,903
I should take you all downtown,
see who turns on who.
319
00:14:04,076 --> 00:14:05,475
I'm calling my attorney.
320
00:14:05,644 --> 00:14:07,771
- You don't need a lawyer.
- I need more weed.
321
00:14:07,947 --> 00:14:09,778
He's also my dealer.
322
00:14:17,156 --> 00:14:18,487
Thanks for taking me to work.
323
00:14:18,657 --> 00:14:20,591
Well, odds are you're gonna do
324
00:14:20,759 --> 00:14:22,590
some more pretty heroic stuff today
325
00:14:22,761 --> 00:14:25,696
and then the guys are gonna want
to take you out drinking again.
326
00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:28,459
Yeah, they love me.
327
00:14:28,834 --> 00:14:31,530
Why wouldn't they? Super Cop!
328
00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:34,639
You don't wait for the action
to come to you. You run to it.
329
00:14:34,807 --> 00:14:36,468
Molly, the light's turning red.
330
00:14:36,642 --> 00:14:39,372
- Oh, thanks for the heads-up.
- (ENGINE REWING)
331
00:14:39,545 --> 00:14:40,603
Hey, slow down.
332
00:14:40,779 --> 00:14:43,304
Crime doesn't slow down.
333
00:14:43,482 --> 00:14:45,177
Hey, that's my thing.
334
00:14:45,351 --> 00:14:46,682
Seriously, slow down.
335
00:14:46,852 --> 00:14:48,979
Why, am I scaring you?
336
00:14:49,154 --> 00:14:50,644
Yeah, a little bit.
337
00:14:50,923 --> 00:14:51,912
(TIRES SCREECH)
338
00:14:52,191 --> 00:14:55,024
What are you doing? Pull over.
We're in the middle of the road.
339
00:14:55,361 --> 00:14:58,626
Oh, no, no, no. Look down there.
Not just that.
340
00:14:59,164 --> 00:15:03,191
We're straddling
train tracks, amigo, huh.
341
00:15:03,369 --> 00:15:06,805
You like the thrill of that?
You taste the danger?
342
00:15:06,972 --> 00:15:08,735
Not really.
These tracks are out of service.
343
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:11,809
There hasn't been
a train on them for 20 years.
344
00:15:13,512 --> 00:15:14,979
Guess that would explain
the tree
345
00:15:15,147 --> 00:15:17,638
growing in the middle
of the tracks.
346
00:15:17,883 --> 00:15:19,180
(HORN HONKING)
347
00:15:21,687 --> 00:15:24,212
Come on, Molly, there's
somebody behind us. Let's go.
348
00:15:24,390 --> 00:15:27,553
Nope. We are gonna sit here
in this uncomfortable situation.
349
00:15:27,726 --> 00:15:30,854
I don't care.
I'm a loose cannon.
350
00:15:31,830 --> 00:15:32,956
(HONKING CONTINUES)
351
00:15:37,069 --> 00:15:39,936
- Okay. I think I proved my point.
- (ENGINE STARTING)
352
00:15:41,674 --> 00:15:42,663
Sorry.
353
00:15:42,841 --> 00:15:44,103
Are we done here?
354
00:15:44,276 --> 00:15:46,107
Are you done playing big hero?
355
00:15:46,278 --> 00:15:47,711
Look, I was just trying
to be a good cop.
356
00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:49,905
I can't help it
if people are impressed by that.
357
00:15:50,082 --> 00:15:52,016
What people?
Those idiots at work?
358
00:15:52,184 --> 00:15:53,208
You used to make fun of them.
359
00:15:53,385 --> 00:15:55,080
You said
they gave cops a bad name.
360
00:15:55,254 --> 00:15:58,690
Well, that was before they
accepted me into Scar Club.
361
00:15:59,525 --> 00:16:01,425
"Scar Club"?
362
00:16:01,593 --> 00:16:03,857
Are you listening
what comes out of here?
363
00:16:05,130 --> 00:16:07,189
Look, Seely made up
that stupid name, not me.
364
00:16:07,366 --> 00:16:09,459
Look, I wasn't trying
to scare you.
365
00:16:09,635 --> 00:16:11,364
I just want you
to be proud of me.
366
00:16:11,904 --> 00:16:13,895
When am I ever not proud of you?
367
00:16:14,073 --> 00:16:15,768
Well, you looked a little iffy
when I told you
368
00:16:15,941 --> 00:16:19,809
my wallet got stolen while Carl
was out getting us snow cones.
369
00:16:20,546 --> 00:16:22,446
Okay, it was not
your finest moment.
370
00:16:22,614 --> 00:16:25,447
But I've never
not been proud of you.
371
00:16:26,318 --> 00:16:28,809
I guess I could
pull back a little bit.
372
00:16:29,621 --> 00:16:32,249
You still gonna find me sexy
if I'm not Super Cop?
373
00:16:32,424 --> 00:16:33,721
Oh, yeah.
374
00:16:33,892 --> 00:16:35,257
I mean,
I didn't want to say anything,
375
00:16:35,427 --> 00:16:37,918
but Super Cop
is a bit of a selfish lover.
376
00:16:39,498 --> 00:16:40,487
(HORN HONKING)
377
00:16:40,966 --> 00:16:43,264
Okay, come...
There's plenty of room!
378
00:16:43,435 --> 00:16:45,062
Go around!
379
00:16:46,171 --> 00:16:49,402
Ooh, we got tail lights out.
Let's go.
380
00:16:49,575 --> 00:16:51,509
Let's see if this punk's
feeling lucky.
381
00:16:59,184 --> 00:17:00,776
Look at this,
an extra-large coffee,
382
00:17:00,953 --> 00:17:01,977
so I stay alert.
383
00:17:02,154 --> 00:17:03,485
And an apple for my snack.
384
00:17:03,655 --> 00:17:06,385
Or, as I like to call it,
nature's snow cone.
385
00:17:07,059 --> 00:17:08,048
I heard that was the banana.
386
00:17:08,227 --> 00:17:10,320
No, that's nature's burrito.
387
00:17:11,697 --> 00:17:13,961
Oh, and anybody grabs this
off the dashboard,
388
00:17:14,133 --> 00:17:15,191
they're taking me with it.
389
00:17:15,367 --> 00:17:17,096
Ah, like when they tie a
restroom key to a cinder block.
390
00:17:17,302 --> 00:17:18,291
(LAUGHING)
391
00:17:18,504 --> 00:17:19,664
Hold up there, chief.
392
00:17:20,205 --> 00:17:22,070
- What?
- You don't think I saw that?
393
00:17:22,241 --> 00:17:23,265
Empty your pockets.
394
00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:28,676
What?
395
00:17:29,314 --> 00:17:30,645
You know, the guy
who owns this store
396
00:17:30,816 --> 00:17:32,716
is trying to make a living
to support his family.
397
00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:34,182
When you steal from him,
398
00:17:34,353 --> 00:17:36,321
not only
are you breaking the law,
399
00:17:36,488 --> 00:17:38,046
you're taking food
off of his table.
400
00:17:38,624 --> 00:17:39,648
Am I going to jail?
401
00:17:40,292 --> 00:17:41,384
It's up to you, little man.
402
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:42,925
You wanna keep
going down this path?
403
00:17:43,095 --> 00:17:44,289
- No.
- Good.
404
00:17:44,463 --> 00:17:45,452
So, here's what we're gonna do.
405
00:17:45,631 --> 00:17:47,292
You come in here the rest
of the week after school,
406
00:17:47,466 --> 00:17:49,263
- mop this guy's floor for him.
- Yes, sir.
407
00:17:49,435 --> 00:17:51,403
And I'm gonna stop by every day
to make sure you're here.
408
00:17:51,570 --> 00:17:52,832
Okay.
409
00:17:54,273 --> 00:17:56,298
Beat it. I don't want to see you
around here anymore.
410
00:17:56,842 --> 00:17:59,072
Except after school, when you're
supposed to be mopping!
411
00:17:59,244 --> 00:18:00,233
(STORE BELL RINGS)
412
00:18:00,612 --> 00:18:02,443
Look at you,
teaching a kid a lesson
413
00:18:02,614 --> 00:18:04,309
and finding a way
to not eat that apple.
414
00:18:06,118 --> 00:18:07,415
I got my partner back.
415
00:18:07,586 --> 00:18:10,214
- Pay for your coffee, Carl.
- Ah, right. Honest mistake.
416
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:16,000
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
417
00:18:40,552 --> 00:18:41,541
English - SDH