Ripped By mstoll
It's from me dad.
He's asking if it's all right for him to join us.
You can tell that ignorant, selfish, inconsiderate savage
you call a father
if he comes within 20 feet of me or our children, I will call the police.
So, is that a yes or a no?
Why don't you have a paddle, Jodie?
I don't want to.
'Course she don't want to, she's been traumatised.
The more we keep going on about this,
the more frightened she's gonna be of going in the pool.
Our only daughter is frightened of going in the pool
for one reason and one reason only.
Oh, give it a rest.
Give it a rest? He tried to drown her!
Oh, as if he'd try and drown his own granddaughter!
He just...
Shoved her in.
Oh, well, then!
How many times? It was just a slightly misjudged bit of fun.
Really? Well, I wonder what other sort of fun he's got in store for us?
Anthrax in our dinner, man traps in the bedroom?
You want your grand-dad to sit with us, don't you, Jodie?
Look, it's not funny!
We can't spend the rest of our holiday ignoring me own father,
he may as well not have come.
Well, at last we agree on something.
Oh, I give up!
- Where are you going? - What have I done?
Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that, I just meant...
I'm off to sit somewhere I can read me book in peace.
And don't worry. If me grand-dad attacks me with a sunbed,
I'll shout for back-up.
Oh, Les, you have no idea how good it feels to be back in Benidorm.
So, Madrid isn't all it's cracked up to be?
Oh, Madrid is beautiful. And the hotel I work in was amazing.
It is having five stars.
Five-star hotel?
Yes, the staff and the guests were very, how you say, sophisticate,
but, there was always something missing...
The energy, the excitement, the honesty that is Benidorm.
The women wouldn't sleep with you, would they?
Not one.
Can you tell me what whiskies you have?
Yeah, that one.
So, you're back in Benidorm. Young, free, and single.
I am, how you say, giving the ladies a large girth.
I think what you mean is a wide berth. Very wise.
Yes. Women, they have brought me nothing but trouble.
Now is the time to work hard, and save money for my future.
Dios mio...
Mira esta!
Yeah, I'll have a large portion of that.
Me, too!
Good morning, team.
I'm pleased to inform you after a successful trial yesterday,
Amber starts with us today on a full-time basis.
Les, you already know...
Well done, pet!
This is Mateo.
Quite harmless, but if you have to touch him, for any reason,
there is an antibacterial hand wash under the bar.
Hasta luego.
Excuse me.
I have been waiting for ten minutes for a large whisky.
But of course. How else would one ease oneself into the day at... 10:35?
Mateo...
Is he all right?
He's fine, he's just living been in Madrid for the past year.
Come on, son! Off you pop, collect some empties.
Will somebody pour me a large whisky, please?
Large whisky, coming up.
Morning!
You're up early.
Here they are. Andi Peters and Gordon the Gopher.
Gordon the Gopher wasn't with Andi Peters, he was with Phillip Schofield.
That's what people thought but believe me, that rodent was an absolute slut.
Oh, no, I met him once, he was lovely.
He means Gordon the Gopher, not Andi Peters.
Did you change your flights?
Yeah, all changed, we are now officially on holiday for the whole week.
Yeah! Right, you go and grab three sunbeds,
and I'll start switching things off in here.
Hello, Kenny.
Right, well, we'd better get off then.
Hola!
Come on.
Long time no see.
How's it going?
You're obviously here because Herbert sent you, what's going on?
Oh, he's not gonna start charging me rent, is he?
We had an agreement.
Kenneth...
Herbert's dead.
- What? - He died two weeks ago
in a freak hair straightening accident.
Oh, my God.
This is the best holiday abroad I've ever had.
When did you last go abroad?
I've never been abroad.
This is my first time.
Listen, there's an amazing beach five minutes from here,
we can go there today if you want.
To be honest, bruv, I'm just really enjoying the view from here.
Mate, she is proper tidy.
Yeah, I've noticed that!
She keeps putting everything away after she's used it!
No, mate, I mean she's fit.
Oh, God, yeah, she is fit as.
Okay, here's the deal.
I've got 20 euros that says I can get her number before you.
I don't understand.
Well, I'm betting I could be the first to get that girl's phone number.
Like a race.
Who are you betting that with?
Why don't you bet with me?
I am betting with you!
All right. But I need to know who the other bloke is first.
What other bloke?
You are the other bloke, and the bloke I'm betting with.
Am I?
Sweet, 20 euros.
20 euros.
Is there a prize?
What?
Is there a prize for getting her number?
20 euros.
Oh, right!
Does she know she has to give the winner her number?
What do you think?
I haven't got a clue.
You can say that again.
I called here three or four times to tell you about Herbert.
But the salon was closed.
I assumed you must be on holiday.
Yeah, yeah, I, um...
I had a little break. First one in years.
You're just like Herbert.
A workaholic.
Yeah...
That's why he's left you the lot.
He's left me the salon in his will?
Not just the salon.
The club, his villa, this salon, all the others...
What?
You're a very rich man, Kenneth.
Hang on, there must be some mistake.
I love me Uncle Herbert...
Well, I mean, I loved him...
But I hardly ever saw him.
Are you absolutely sure he's left everything to me?
There is nobody else.
When we spoke about, it he always said,
"There's only one person who's family to me.
"And when I go, he'll get the lot."
O to the M to the F to the G.
The will reading's this afternoon.
Three o'clock in Herbert's office.
Kenneth, I really need me job at the club.
I know this is a lot to take in,
but if you could see your way to keep me on,
I'd be eternally grateful.
I don't believe it.
I don't believe it! I'm a bloody millionaire!
Or maybe a job here.
I can make tea, odd jobs.
You?
You working here?
Are you having a laugh?
I'm sorry, Norman. I try to do me bit for charity,
but business is business.
And you scaring away my pensioners with that ugly mug of yours...
That would be very bad for business.
Oh, my God!
What am I gonna do with all that money?
I'm rich!
I'm rich beyond me wildest dreams!
Drop the latch on the way out!
Hello, darling.
Mommy says you can sit with us,
as long as you promise not to try and kill me again.
Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart, but...
You're gonna have to not speak in that daft accent,
or else I can't understand you.
I said, you can sit with us, if you promise not to try and kill me again.
Oh, love, I didn't try and kill you.
That's the way my grand-dad taught me how to swim.
You want to try it in a dirty canal with your gob full of frog spawn.
What?
Never mind.
Shall I come and sit with you?
Yeah.
Okay then.
Has your mum cheered up a bit?
- Yeah. She said she wants to dance. - Oh, that's a good sign.
On your grave.
What does that mean?
Oh!
Must have nodded off!
It's very quiet, isn't it?
It is now.
Where's Kenneth?
Oh, he didn't come out in the end.
After all that carry-on asking us to stay on for the week,
he's not even sitting with us.
Yeah...
Unless he and his friend have had an early siesta,
if you know what I mean.
When I said a siesta, what I actually meant was...
Jacqueline, I'm not being funny, but I'm trying to read.
Oh, sorry. I'll go back to sleep.
No, no, no, don't do that.
Oh, for God's sake...
"Help me? Stuck in street outside Solana..."
Who's that from?
Kenneth.
Well, aren't we going to help him?
He might be stuck in a man hole.
It wouldn't be the first time.
Oh, all right, come on then.
Sorry, this is the third time you've cancelled.
We can't run a hotel with no qualified first-aiders...
I understand, but we are in Benidorm,
and most of our clientele are a sausage bap away from a cardiac arrest...
Oh, don't bother!
I'll just have to sort things out myself, as usual!
There is a problem, Miss Temple-Savage?
Yes, there is a problem.
Due to our high turn-over of staff,
I realised weeks ago that we have no first-aiders...
Which is illegal.
So, I booked a first-aid course,
but this is the third time they've cancelled.
You need someone to show first-aid?
I can do this.
I don't mean a quick mouth-to-mouth on your pick of the female staff.
I need a fully-qualified first-aider.
Yes, I am qually-fullyfied.
In my hotel in Madrid, I took a course to teach others first-aid.
Really, Miss Temple-Savage, I have the sticky foot.
Sticky foot? What's that?
The paper to say I have the first-aids.
Certificate?
You mean you have a certificate?
Yes, is what I'm saying.
The last thing I need is...
What on Earth is going on out there?
Oh! Is that you, Kenneth?
Are you all right?
Of course I'm not all right!
Are you stuck?
No, I'm just testing out the horn!
Oh, right...
Where are you going?
'Course I'm bloody stuck!
What on Earth is going on?
It's Kenneth, he's stuck.
I didn't know he had a car, things can't be that bad.
It's very sporty, I bet it goes fast.
With Kenneth in it, I'm not so sure.
Will you stop your frigging chit-chat and help me to get out?
Mateo, help him!
You need to grease him up! Oh, I might have something in me case.
God! Me coccyx!
Hey! I never touched you!
It was probably him!
Mateo, will you get off the pavement and come inside?
I have got a hotel to run, you know.
- You're welcome! - Welcome?
You nearly broke me bloody back!
What the hell's going on?
And what you doing dressed like that?
Between you and me, love,
I am about to come into an awful lot of money.
Excuse me, mate.
Yes, young 'un?
The girl with the blonde hair...
What's her name?
That's Amber.
Can you give her this, please?
Sorry, pal, I'm not allowed to do that. I could lose me job.
Oh...
I tell you what, just leave it there, and I'll tip her the wink.
What? Do you fancy her as well?
No, I just mean I'll let her know it's here.
Oh, right, okay, sweet. Thanks.
Nae bother.
- What? - No problem.
Uh, where are you going?
It's time to wrap this competition up, if you've stopped fannying around.
I'm not fannying around.
What is it?
I can't say, a young lad left it for you.
Just there on the bar.
- Did you get the number? - Um...
Not yet.
Stand aside, bruv.
Just what I always wanted...
All right...
Amber... I'm Tiger.
Hello, Tiger, what would you like?
Well, I wouldn't mind your phone number for a start.
Very funny. Now, what can I get you to drink?
Uh...
Just a beer. Please.
There you go.
Why won't you give me your phone number?
Have you got something against nice guys?
Enjoy your beer, Mr Nice Guy.
Nice one!
Game over, my friend!
You didn't get it?
Oh, yes! That's 20 euros you owe me.
Shut up!
Well, I left her my number, so she might still call me.
Mate, the bet was the first person to get her number.
And that person is me.
What're you doing?
I'm texting her.
O to the G to the M!
She texted me!
"Thanks for your number, you are so fit. Mr Nice Guy."
Oh, you complete dick!
- What? - Did you leave your number on a napkin?
Yeah, why?
What do you mean, why?
Give me your phone.
Why have you not got people's names in your phone contacts?
I prefer to have all my contacts written down
on a piece of paper in my bag,
in case I lose my phone.
Another message!
"Can't talk while I'm working,
"but I really like guys who swim in their clothes. Will you?"
Oh, my days!
I'm so in there!
Swim in your clothes?
Oh, she's crazy.
You're not gonna do it, are you?
Mate... He who calls the piper, plays the tune.
Yes! I am!
Oh, man, today is gonna be a good day!
Well, I must say,
it's nice to be back in the bosom of a loving family.
Anyone we know?
I've always said, it's pointless bearing a grudge.
Life's too short, isn't it?
Some are short...
While other people's lives just seem to go on and on and on...
Are you gonna have a go on the karaoke tonight, Jo?
Well, we'd better check if your grand-dad
has any more phantom heart attacks planned
before we decide what to do this evening.
I'm going to sing, Let It Go from Frozen.
Oh, "Let it go", that's a good idea.
You could join in with that, Sheron.
Oh, will the pair of you just leave it?
All I'm saying is,
considering we're gonna be seeing a lot more of each other,
it's probably best if we make the effort now to get along.
Right, I'm gonna back one out.
That Spanish bacon's got a mind of its own.
What does he mean,
we're going to be seeing a lot more of each other?
Erm, er...
Dunno, probably just means the rest of the holiday.
Yeah...
Okay, ladies and gentlemen,
it is my pleasure today to give you the first-aids.
In today's course, I will be showing you
how to make someone alive when they are dead,
and how to squeeze people when they are choking on the sausage.
You've got to be joking.
Okay, first of all, if you find a holiday maker
who has died, they will look something like this.
They will, of course, be fatter, but this is all the puff I had.
So, first we have to make the heart of the person start again.
Do not worry, this will not happen to you with a real person.
I could make a joke now about a girl in a bikini going down on me...
But since this is a serious subject I will not be doing this.
Come on, man, this is ridiculous.
Excuse me, Les, I am only half way through.
I now have to show you how to stop
a drunk person from choking on the sausage.
It is called the Heineken Manoeuvre.
May I please have a volunteer?
No, Miguel, put down your hand.
Perhaps, Amber, you would like to choke on my sausage?
I think
we both know the answer to that.
Okay, will you please hurry? Time is of the influence.
That was actually a "No" from me.
It was?
Okay, Miguel, come here.
Okay, look at them, not me.
Let us be imagining that Miguel is having trouble with his sausage.
First, we make a position behind the victim...
And put your arms around just above his waist.
You are then needing to pump him as hard as you can.
Oh, God, he's choking on his own sausage!
Get him up.
Mateo, are you all right?
Big breaths, pal, big breaths.
Thank you for your kind attentions, ladies and gentlemen...
This is the extermination of today's demonstrations.
Come on.
I can manage!
I don't know why you're wasting money on taxis, you could have come with me.
Well, you barely fit in that car yourself!
Yeah, it is a bit small, but it's only hired for the week.
And now that I've got it, I can look for something more substantial.
I've always fancied something big and German.
- Mmm! - Don't you think you should wait and see
how much money you've been left before you start splashing it about?
Oh look, we haven't all got combination locks on our wallets.
I say live for the day, because you're a long time dead.
Hear hear! As my Donald always said, "Grasp the nettle with both hands!"
Talking of which, come on, we're late.
Hey, I'm not tight!
I'm just careful...
There ya go young un, one orange juice, fresh from the carton.
- Thanks. - Is it all right
if I take my break now, Les?
'Course it is. Take your time.
Any good?
- Sorry? - Your book.
Oh! Um... Animal Farm. Do you know it?
I saw a bit of the video
when I was working on the oil rigs in the early '80's...
You've a stronger stomach than me, lad.
Another large one in there, por favor.
Aye, nae bother.
Animal Farm?
I bet it's not as good as video.
Listen, son, I need your help.
Yeah, I think a few people 'round here need help.
Thank you.
I need you to drop into the conversation at some point,
that I'm coming to live with you.
What?
Do you mean your dad hasn't told you?
- No. - I thought
it were just your mother he'd not told.
You... You're coming to live with us?
Yeah.
When?
Straight after this holiday.
Where are you gonna sleep?
I thought I were getting your room. You're going to college, aren't you?
University. And I'm not going until October.
Well, we can muck in.
So, if you could drop the hint at some point...
Grand-dad...
I think this might be better coming from you.
- Really? - Yeah, really.
Okay, you might be right.
I'll tell her tonight after a few drinks,
- when she's feeling a bit more, uh... - Violent?
Relaxed.
Ask me again tonight.
As solicitor, executor,
and friend of Herbert...
You happen to be very late.
Sorry.
- Sorry. - Sorry.
"I, Herbert Lionel DiCaprio III,
"declare this to be my last will and testicle."
Did I just say, "testicle"?
I do apologise.
Here we go.
"To Rodrigo, my head stylist and personal masseur,
"I leave 100,000 euros."
Order!
Order! Order!
I will have order!
As I was saying, "To Rodrigo, I leave 100 euros..."
You said 100,000 a minute ago!
Shut up!
Now... No, you're quite right!
"100,000 euros, and my infamous gold scissors.
"To Jordan Rivers..." Is Jordan Rivers here?
Ah, yes... "The best drag queen in Benidorm..."
Yes, that's open to debate...
"I leave my collection of toupees,
"and my mother's recipe for scowze."
Scowze?
Heavens knows what the blazes that is.
It's "scouse."
Come on, get to the good bit.
Do you mind?
"Everything else... My villa,
"cars, all 14 hairdressing salons,
"Benidorm nightclub and entire savings and shares in DiCaprio Holdings,
"I devise, bequeath, and give,
"to the one person who has been like a son to me.
"Although our relationship has often been distant,
"the unspoken love and bond between us has always been there.
"The person to whom I refer,
"and bequeath my entire estate, as per Appendix 1, is...
"Naturally...
"Of course,
"none other than...
"Norman Fagan!"
"Also affectionately known as, 'Norman the Doormouse..."'
Uh, doorman.
Norman the Doorman!
Oh...
My...
Flipping...
God.
How long did she say for you to sit like that?
She said she's gonna text me again soon.
I think she's taking the rise out of you, mate.
You gotta understand, Tige, some girls are strange.
I once went out with this girl,
and she got really turned on when I topped up her mobile.
- You what? - Yeah,
she used to get really horny if I put a fiver on her pay-as-you-go.
And if I put a tenner on it, oh, my days!
So, the more money you put on her phone, the better she was in the sack?
Oh, I dunno about that. We never met. She lived in Nigeria.
"Those straws in your ears look hot, but can you fit more in?
"Also, tonight, can you wear a mankini in Neptune's?
"It will drive me crazy."
The thing that I don't understand is, I've had four texts from her
in the last 15 mins, but I've been watching her,
and she ain't picked up her mobile once.
Tiger?
Yes mate?
Do me a favour?
Sorry, mate, I wondered when you'd realise...
Get us a few more straws from the bar.
And see if you can find one of them mankinis
from that shop just outside the hotel.
However she's sending these texts, she deserves everything she wants.
Oh, mate, believe me, it will be my pleasure.
Can't believe it... Won and lost a fortune in the space of a few hours.
Well, technically, you never actually won it.
A life of luxury snatched from under me nose.
It's hard to miss what you never had.
So close...
Yet so far.
You didn't fit in that car, anyway.
Oh, shut up while I'm trying to feel sorry for myself!
Hey, don't take it out on Jacqueline!
It's not her fault your uncle didn't leave you a penny
to scratch your ass with.
Oh, here we go. Rub it in, why don't you?
Go away!
All right, Kenneth?
You left a bit sharpish.
Erm... We'd better get ready for tonight.
Yeah, come on, I've got to put me face on.
Put me hair in a top knot.
It's funny how a few hours can change someone's life.
Isn't it, Kenneth?
Not for me. I'm in exactly the same position as I was in this morning.
Well, not quite.
What's this?
Just a bit of business from your new landlord.
Me.
I've done you a very tasty deal on the water and the leccy.
13,000 euros?
Is this a joke?
No, Kenneth, it's business.
Of course, I could have waited until tomorrow to bring you this,
but as you said...
Wouldn't want to scare your pensioners with my ugly mug.
That'd be very bad for business.
You've got 28 days to pay.
It's the least I could do.
After all, we're practically family.
Oh yeah...
You left before the solicitor could give you this.
You never know.
Might be stuffed with 100 euro notes.
28 days, Kenneth.
I don't believe it.
I'm finished.
Unless...
I can't believe you still haven't opened it.
I don't know what's inside it.
That is why she's saying to open it!
It's obvious what it is!
It's money.
He's left you cash, so you don't have to pay any tax on it.
That would make sense.
Oh, give us it here, I'll open it if you won't.
Hang on a minute!
I think I need a large drink first.
So, if it's all right with you,
I'll just be dressing as Lesley in the evenings, not during the day.
Going full-time seemed a good idea at first,
but it's kinda taken all the pleasure out of it,
and made it a bit of a chore.
Plus, I can't fit a towel on a radiator at home for all the drying bras.
Lesley, I've always said,
you can come to work dressed as Frankenstein's monster
as long as you do your job.
Oh, I'm sorry...
That's not what you come as tonight, is it?
11 hours!
- Oi! - I beg your pardon?
11 hours!
We went on your paint-balling trip this morning.
And we've been out for 11 hours!
I always say you should never put a time limit on enjoying yourself.
And judging by your breath, you obviously didn't.
Yeah, all right, I've had a drink.
But when you pay to go on a trip,
you kind of expect that you're going to bring us all back!
This is absolutely ridiculous.
They wouldn't let us on the coach to come back,
and now they won't let us in our rooms.
They used gloss paint!
- What? - What kind of dick head
uses gloss paint at a paintballing match?
And then there wasn't anybody else there!
We just shot at each other.
Have you seen my mother?
Why? Do you think I should?
Because there were only three of us, the man who cleans the guns joined in.
Nobody told us he was a psychologically damaged war veteran.
It was like a scene from American Sniper!
She is a senior citizen!
Not a skirting board!
It's not her fault she's slow on her feet.
That lunatic singled my mother out like the runt of a litter!
It was disgusting!
Ey own ettus into our ooms.
I'm sorry?
How many times? They won't let us into our rooms!
It's taken us a four mile walk, and two trains!
And five buses, standing all the way,
'cause they wouldn't let us sit on the seats!
And now they won't let us into our rooms!
If you'd like to come with me.
You like this place so much that you cannot keep away, huh?
It not the place I'm interested in, it's you.
Okay!
Now we are talking turkeys!
It was only a matter of time, I guess.
Don't flatter yourself, Mateo, it's purely business.
Oh, you came.
I was gonna have a word with Mateo, but it's been quite busy.
What is going on?
I wanted to have a word about your first-aid course this afternoon.
How much did you get paid?
I am sorry, I am not allowed to be in discussions
with matters of financial persuasions.
200 euros.
How do you know this?
You've not stopped bragging about it all night.
Oh, yes...
So, there were ten people on your "course,"
I reckon that's 20 euros each to keep our traps shut on what a farce it was.
What? You cannot be blacking my mail like this!
No problem.
Lesley, where did Joyce go?
Let's see what she has to say about it.
Okay! Okay!
Take the money.
Thanks!
And I'm gonna do a first-aid session for the same people
in our own time, so we're actually doing you a favour.
Doing me a favour?
I am out of pockets.
It cost me ten euros to buy that blow-up doll.
Yeah, right, like you didn't have that already.
Yes, pet?
You've got to give her credit, she hasn't even looked at me once.
Yeah, she's good!
Although, you'd think she'd at least give you a wink
when you did those 100 press-ups in the Fred Flintstone playground.
I wouldn't have been able to see it, anyway.
I went slightly dizzy and I couldn't see anything
for about 20 minutes after that.
Ooh, here we go again.
Great! If you can tell Maria you've got her 20 euros,
and I will text Jose and Gregorio.
But remember, big secret, we don't want to get Mateo into trouble.
- Okay. - Okay.
Oh, Lola!
You've been texting a lot today.
Yeah, yeah, me old man, you know how he likes to know what's going on.
Tell him about Amber and the texting, he won't believe it!
No, he won't.
That took a long time, considering it only came from over there.
Oh, my days!
You are not gonna believe what she wants me to do now!
Sing her a karaoke song and strip naked?
Yeah! How did you know that?
Lucky guess.
"Anything for you."
That your dad again?
Yeah...
Thank you to Jonathan, Benidorm's original Motown singer.
We'll have more from him later,
but first it's time to hear from your good selves,
it's karaoke time!
And first up we have a young lady
who I've been told would like to be a professional singer
when she grows up.
So, let's hear it for a star of tomorrow,
Jodie Dawson!
- Jodie! - Come on, Jodie!
Remember to smile!
And don't forget to breathe!
Christ, she can't be much of a singer if she forgets to breathe.
Dad, for God's sake.
I'm just saying.
Uh, Mateo.
Yes, Miss Temple-Savage?
A word about the first-aid course today. There's a slight problem.
A problem?
- Really? - Yes,
the man who was supposed to do our course
was also supposed to do The Belroy, and The Flamingo,
but it looks like he's going to be off all week.
Can you do those, too?
Two more courses?
I don't think so, Miss Temple-Savage.
I think you are right, there is a problem...
It would be another 400 euros.
When do they want me?
I'm sorry, this is doing me head in.
You're telling me. If she's a professional singer,
I can't wait for my modelling contract to come through.
Not her! I mean us!
Just sitting here, staring at that bloody parcel.
Get your grubby paws off!
You might be a millionaire!
Well, if I'm not,
I'll be on that plane back with you two at the end of the week.
You're serious?
You'd come home?
But you love it here.
I could barely make ends meet when I was working rent-free.
I just have to admit it, I haven't got the money to start from scratch.
Unless...
Oh, come on, I can't stand it!
It's like Christmas!
Donald always used to tease me on Christmas Eve with a massive package.
Well, what is it?
What's he left you?
He's left me his bloody teeth!
Is she still singing?
Oh, come on, darling.
Well, the talent doesn't stop there...
Ladies and gentlemen, next, if your ears can take it,
we have Joey!
Come on, Joey!
Yeah!
This is for a certain little lady who I've been chatting to today.
You know who you are.
It wasn't your fault, darling.
It sounded rubbish!
It was their fault, not yours.
It was in the wrong key, Jo.
I'll ask the DJ if he's got any other versions next time.
You know what you need, don't you, Jodie?
- What? - Dad!
You need a professional karaoke set-up.
You know, with a microphone, and a speaker,
and little telly with the words on it, the lot.
Yeah, and do you know how much they cost?
400 quid.
That's what I've just paid for one.
What do you need a karaoke machine for?
For my lovely little granddaughter.
Are you serious, Grand-dad?
It gets delivered the day we get back.
- I love you! - Come here.
Well, I'm gonna be saving that much money coming to live with you lot,
I thought there's no point that money just sitting there in the bank.
I beg your pardon?
Same again, is it?
Good idea of yours that, Rob.
She seems to have taken it quite well.
Hmm?
There is no way on Earth that that man is moving into my house.
I tell you something right now, if he moves in, I'm moving out,
and I'm taking the kids with me.
Do you understand?
Right, I am going to get absolutely hammered.
Sod Herbert and his sodding teeth, sod The Solana and sod Blow & Go.
I'm downing this lot then we get off into the Old Town.
There is a way of staying here.
What do I wanna stay here for?
Weak beer and old people farting along to karaoke?
No, in exactly 20 minutes time, I shall be hanging upside down
in the Bears Bar like a spatchcock chicken,
and all of this lot will be a distant memory.
No, I mean a way of keeping the salon.
No, I've had enough. I'm not going thousands into debt
just to do half a dozen blue rinses every week.
We've got a business proposal.
- You what? - Me and Jacqueline.
- What do you mean? - I want to expand in Europe.
There's treacle pudding and custard on the menu,
get a couple of them down your neck.
You know what I mean.
I don't want your money!
Good, 'cause I'm not giving it you.
I want to take over the lease of Blow & Go.
And what about me?
You stay on as equal third partner, and head stylist.
And I'm guessing you're the other third?
I'm going to be more a sleeping partner.
Why doesn't that surprise me?
Well?
Well, how's this gonna work?
You moving to Spain?
No, of course not, I've still got the salon back home.
But I'll come out here every few weeks,
have a few days in the sun, and see how everything's going.
And what about Gavin?
Well, that's obvious. I've not mentioned him since we got here.
- We split up. - Again.
No, this is it.
I need a fresh start. What do you say?
I say, let's first drink to you being a single man.
Oh, no, I don't want to do that.
I've still got a lot of respect for Gavin.
You've got to be the only one who does.
Fat, whinging cow.
Ding-dong, the witch is dead!
We can all talk about it tomorrow.
Are you still going into the Old Town?
No, I don't think I'll bother.
Things seem to be hotting up here very nicely.
Yeah!
That is exactly why I am looking for a man, and not a boy.
No.
I've done everything that you've asked me, Amber.
Now, can we have a date?
Oh, no, that's right.
You said strip naked.
No! No, Joey, don't do it!
It was me!
It was me! It was me!
It was me all along.
Get them out of here!
What are you doing? Come on, enough!
Out! Get out!
What do you think you're playing at? Get 'em outside.
You've hurt me!
Tiger, you've hurt me!
I thought those two were a couple!
Aw... It could bring a tear to a glass eye.
Ripped By mstoll