1
00:00:02,274 --> 00:00:03,434
Barney, check it,
2
00:00:03,709 --> 00:00:07,440
three blond babies drinking
bad decision juice at 8 o'clock.
3
00:00:08,581 --> 00:00:10,071
Nice rack radar.
4
00:00:10,483 --> 00:00:13,077
- That's my wife.
- No, I got to get going.
5
00:00:13,319 --> 00:00:15,947
Seriously? But they're blond and drunk.
6
00:00:16,055 --> 00:00:17,215
Isn't that your type?
7
00:00:17,556 --> 00:00:20,286
Maybe I don't have a type, Lily.
8
00:00:20,626 --> 00:00:24,926
God, do you think the male mind
is really that simplistic,
9
00:00:25,030 --> 00:00:28,659
that we all have one favorite type? Jeez.
10
00:00:28,801 --> 00:00:30,234
Asian with some boob.
11
00:00:30,603 --> 00:00:33,003
I'm gonna hit the bathroom, then bail.
12
00:00:33,606 --> 00:00:36,575
Okay, have you guys noticed
Barney's been acting weird lately?
13
00:00:36,742 --> 00:00:37,767
Actually, yes.
14
00:00:37,944 --> 00:00:39,935
You know how Barney always says
never buy a girl flowers,
15
00:00:40,046 --> 00:00:42,071
because giving her a living thing
reminds her of babies?
16
00:00:42,215 --> 00:00:44,445
- Sure.
- Well, the other day,
17
00:00:44,784 --> 00:00:47,878
I saw him at that flower shop
on 82nd buying roses.
18
00:00:48,088 --> 00:00:49,646
- What?
- Wait, now that you mention it,
19
00:00:49,756 --> 00:00:52,486
Barney did do something kind of odd
at the office yesterday.
20
00:00:53,093 --> 00:00:54,651
Okay, see you Saturday.
21
00:00:54,828 --> 00:00:57,626
I'm thinking brunch,
farmer's market, maybe a hike.
22
00:00:57,964 --> 00:01:00,159
I love you, too. Bye.
23
00:01:01,968 --> 00:01:05,096
I figured he was just talking
to some girl he was trying to nail.
24
00:01:05,272 --> 00:01:07,172
Or Ted, but now I don't know.
25
00:01:07,807 --> 00:01:12,574
Wait, do you think it's possible
that Barney Stinson has a girlfriend?
26
00:01:13,680 --> 00:01:14,669
Later.
27
00:01:14,781 --> 00:01:16,874
Wait, Barney, hold on.
Where are you going?
28
00:01:17,083 --> 00:01:18,175
Nowhere.
29
00:01:18,618 --> 00:01:20,779
The beach. It's winter. Laser tag.
30
00:01:20,887 --> 00:01:23,048
Home. Shut up. You're going somewhere.
31
00:01:24,824 --> 00:01:27,554
Oh, my God. He's meeting her right now.
32
00:01:31,598 --> 00:01:33,498
- Where is Barney going?
- Yeah.
33
00:01:33,667 --> 00:01:35,362
We're not even in Manhattan anymore.
34
00:01:35,635 --> 00:01:36,795
Where's this girl live?
35
00:01:36,903 --> 00:01:40,236
We're talking about a woman who's
actually gotten Barney Stinson to commit.
36
00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:41,907
I'm guessing Narnia.
37
00:01:42,676 --> 00:01:43,802
Oh, oh, he's stopping.
38
00:01:57,325 --> 00:01:59,054
- What the hell are you guys doing here?
- Where is she?
39
00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:00,787
- Who?
- Your girlfriend.
40
00:02:00,895 --> 00:02:02,920
Oh, hello.
41
00:02:03,731 --> 00:02:06,325
Wow, you really don't have a type,
do you?
44
00:02:14,942 --> 00:02:17,376
- My mom.
- It's so nice to meet you.
45
00:02:17,578 --> 00:02:19,546
I feel like I already know you all.
46
00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:22,440
Barney goes on and on about you
every day when we talk.
47
00:02:22,550 --> 00:02:25,314
Aw! You call your mom every day?
48
00:02:25,519 --> 00:02:27,487
No. Mom!
49
00:02:28,789 --> 00:02:31,314
So that's what you were being
all secretive about?
50
00:02:31,425 --> 00:02:34,792
You didn't want us to know
you're a big old mama's boy.
51
00:02:35,229 --> 00:02:38,221
Yep, you got me.
Well, guess you guys can leave.
52
00:02:38,332 --> 00:02:39,299
Oh!
53
00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:41,324
- Hello.
- Hi.
54
00:02:42,269 --> 00:02:44,601
Barney, who are all these people?
55
00:02:45,706 --> 00:02:49,198
Ted, Marshall, Lily, Robin,
I'd like you to meet Betty,
56
00:02:49,944 --> 00:02:51,138
my wife.
57
00:02:53,614 --> 00:02:55,309
And my son Tyler.
58
00:03:13,635 --> 00:03:16,763
Betty and I are gonna get dinner ready.
There'll be plenty for everyone.
59
00:03:17,005 --> 00:03:18,199
But remember, you,
60
00:03:18,306 --> 00:03:21,002
only one helping of meatloaf
after what Dr. Grossbard said
61
00:03:21,109 --> 00:03:23,737
- about your cholesterol.
- This one wants me to live forever.
62
00:03:23,845 --> 00:03:24,937
Guilty.
63
00:03:25,814 --> 00:03:27,179
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
64
00:03:27,282 --> 00:03:30,115
- I love you three!
- Get out of here, you little scamp!
65
00:03:32,854 --> 00:03:35,721
- So, I'll see you guys back at the bar?
- What the hell, Barney?
66
00:03:35,824 --> 00:03:38,315
Okay, it's a long story.
67
00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:41,622
As you know,
my father had to leave my mom
68
00:03:41,730 --> 00:03:44,995
when I was a baby because he got hired
as the host of The Price Is Right.
69
00:03:45,267 --> 00:03:47,758
- It was a very good show.
- Bob Barker is your father.
70
00:03:47,869 --> 00:03:51,896
She had to raise
my brother and me by herself.
71
00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:54,941
And her only wish was for her sons
72
00:03:55,110 --> 00:03:57,635
not to wind up alone, like she was.
73
00:03:58,313 --> 00:04:00,838
Then about seven years ago,
she got really sick.
74
00:04:01,483 --> 00:04:04,043
It looked like she wasn't going to make it.
75
00:04:04,252 --> 00:04:07,313
So I decided to make her wish come true.
76
00:04:07,657 --> 00:04:09,921
Mom, this is Betty.
77
00:04:10,626 --> 00:04:11,718
We're engaged.
78
00:04:12,295 --> 00:04:16,026
I hired an actress to play
my fiancée "Betty. "
79
00:04:16,766 --> 00:04:17,994
Her real name's Margaret.
80
00:04:18,101 --> 00:04:20,592
She mostly does off-Broadway theater.
Wonderful actress.
81
00:04:20,703 --> 00:04:22,466
This close to a Tony.
It's all who you know.
82
00:04:22,572 --> 00:04:24,506
It's very political. I shouldn't get into it.
83
00:04:24,607 --> 00:04:26,575
But there's one problem.
84
00:04:26,909 --> 00:04:29,878
Betty has a slight tendency
to go off-book.
85
00:04:30,379 --> 00:04:33,007
You see, Mom?
I found someone who makes me happy.
86
00:04:33,349 --> 00:04:36,182
- Just like you wanted.
- That's wonderful.
87
00:04:37,086 --> 00:04:40,715
I just wish I could've stuck around
long enough for grandchildren.
88
00:04:41,858 --> 00:04:43,018
I'm pregnant!
89
00:04:47,630 --> 00:04:49,757
And then my mom got better.
90
00:04:50,299 --> 00:04:53,598
Which was miraculous. But it meant
that I had to keep "Betty"
91
00:04:53,770 --> 00:04:57,069
around and cast a kid
to play my son Tyler.
92
00:04:57,240 --> 00:05:00,835
This is crazy.
You actually cast your own son?
93
00:05:01,077 --> 00:05:02,066
Well, for a while,
94
00:05:02,178 --> 00:05:04,840
I got by borrowing/babysitting
my neighbor's baby.
95
00:05:05,281 --> 00:05:08,250
Then this one Christmas,
when my mom was plowed on eggnog,
96
00:05:08,351 --> 00:05:10,911
I got away with a bag of flour
and a Chucky mask.
97
00:05:11,587 --> 00:05:14,488
But eventually I had to hold auditions.
98
00:05:15,591 --> 00:05:17,958
4, 8,
99
00:05:18,962 --> 00:05:22,193
13, you can stay. The rest of you may go.
100
00:05:24,601 --> 00:05:27,365
You said that if I slept with you,
my son would get the part.
101
00:05:27,738 --> 00:05:30,229
Well, apparently
I'm a better actor than your kid.
102
00:05:30,340 --> 00:05:32,308
Bring in the 11:00's!
103
00:05:33,010 --> 00:05:36,571
And that's how the role of Tyler
eventually went to
104
00:05:37,281 --> 00:05:38,441
Grant.
105
00:05:39,883 --> 00:05:42,613
- Come on, Grant seems pretty good.
- You think so?
106
00:05:43,287 --> 00:05:45,118
Watch this. Hey, Tyler.
107
00:05:46,890 --> 00:05:50,382
Tyler. Tyler.
108
00:05:52,763 --> 00:05:54,060
- Grant.
- Yeah?
109
00:05:55,432 --> 00:05:57,559
See? It's like amateur hour over here.
110
00:05:58,035 --> 00:06:01,937
Call me crazy, but child actors
were way better back in the '80s.
111
00:06:05,642 --> 00:06:07,371
Well, Barney, it looks like your mom kept
112
00:06:07,477 --> 00:06:09,911
your childhood bedroom
just the way you left it.
113
00:06:10,013 --> 00:06:12,982
Yeah, that sure is a big poster
of The Karate Kid above your bed.
114
00:06:13,083 --> 00:06:15,017
Hey, The Karate Kid is a great movie.
115
00:06:15,152 --> 00:06:19,384
It's the story of a hopeful young karate
enthusiast whose dreams and moxie
116
00:06:19,489 --> 00:06:22,390
take him all the way
to the All Valley Karate Championship.
117
00:06:22,659 --> 00:06:25,958
Of course, sadly, he loses
in the final round to that nerd kid,
118
00:06:26,597 --> 00:06:30,090
but he learns an important lesson
about gracefully accepting defeat.
119
00:06:30,535 --> 00:06:33,527
Wait. When you watch The Karate Kid,
120
00:06:33,671 --> 00:06:36,265
you actually root for that mean blond boy?
121
00:06:36,407 --> 00:06:39,899
No, I root for the scrawny loser
from New Jersey
122
00:06:40,011 --> 00:06:41,979
who barely even knows karate.
123
00:06:42,146 --> 00:06:46,048
When I watch The Karate Kid,
I root for the karate kid,
124
00:06:46,150 --> 00:06:48,448
Johnny Lawrence
from the Cobra Kai dojo.
125
00:06:48,920 --> 00:06:50,979
Get your head out of your ass, Lily.
126
00:06:53,591 --> 00:06:56,583
Okay, I just figured out
where I know you from.
127
00:06:57,228 --> 00:06:59,719
I saw you perform
at the Disorientation Theater
128
00:06:59,831 --> 00:07:04,234
in Bertolt Brecht's Die heilige Johanna
der Schlachthöfe last fall.
129
00:07:05,236 --> 00:07:07,227
You were a revelation!
130
00:07:08,072 --> 00:07:09,096
- Really?
- Yeah.
131
00:07:09,207 --> 00:07:10,640
Oh, thanks.
132
00:07:10,742 --> 00:07:13,836
I wasn't sure. I mean, the point
of Brecht's work, of course, is to
133
00:07:13,945 --> 00:07:16,277
- alienate the audience.
- Alienate the audience. Sure.
134
00:07:16,381 --> 00:07:19,578
Sorry. Brecht-o-phile right here!
135
00:07:20,018 --> 00:07:22,987
Wow, you really know your theater.
136
00:07:23,421 --> 00:07:26,822
Lady Theater grabbed my heart early on
and she never let go.
137
00:07:27,492 --> 00:07:28,459
Every year at Christmas,
138
00:07:28,559 --> 00:07:31,460
I'd put on a little play for the parents
with all the other kids.
139
00:07:32,130 --> 00:07:35,657
Gee whiz, Santa, do you think
we can take off in this kind of snow?
140
00:07:35,767 --> 00:07:39,329
Cut! Cut! Cut! Ricky!
141
00:07:39,438 --> 00:07:41,133
Grandma and Grandpa are gonna be here
in half an hour,
142
00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:43,174
and you're still butchering my words.
143
00:07:43,609 --> 00:07:46,271
Looks like I'm gonna have to write,
direct and star in this thing.
144
00:07:46,412 --> 00:07:48,380
Give me your elf hat. Go sit.
145
00:07:49,248 --> 00:07:51,648
I always secretly wanted to be an actor.
146
00:07:51,750 --> 00:07:54,344
It's one of those life dreams
that just slipped away, I guess.
147
00:07:54,453 --> 00:07:57,251
Listen, if you want,
I could give you some tips on acting.
148
00:07:57,389 --> 00:07:59,380
- Really? Oh!
- I'd love to.
149
00:07:59,491 --> 00:08:03,723
Okay, acting rule number one,
don't be afraid to...
150
00:08:03,829 --> 00:08:06,297
At least someone's still excited
about acting.
151
00:08:06,865 --> 00:08:08,025
I miss that.
152
00:08:08,667 --> 00:08:10,464
So, you don't like playing Barney's son?
153
00:08:10,569 --> 00:08:12,935
I hate it. But what can I do?
154
00:08:13,405 --> 00:08:16,067
- The phone just ain't ringing.
- Yeah, I know what you mean.
155
00:08:16,208 --> 00:08:17,607
I'm a newscaster.
156
00:08:17,743 --> 00:08:20,234
But I just had to take a job
hosting a local morning show
157
00:08:20,346 --> 00:08:22,746
that airs at 4:30 in the morning.
158
00:08:23,882 --> 00:08:27,010
I just thought I'd be so much further along
by this point, you know?
159
00:08:27,186 --> 00:08:28,380
I'm almost 30.
160
00:08:28,520 --> 00:08:30,715
Come on, you still look great.
161
00:08:31,523 --> 00:08:33,013
I love your nose job.
162
00:08:33,759 --> 00:08:35,283
I never had a nose job.
163
00:08:35,627 --> 00:08:38,596
Right. Me neither.
164
00:08:40,766 --> 00:08:43,291
I can't believe we haven't met you before.
165
00:08:43,402 --> 00:08:45,563
Who knew Barney had such a great mom?
166
00:08:45,671 --> 00:08:46,968
Thanks, dear.
167
00:08:47,273 --> 00:08:50,709
Truth is, I wasn't always
the best mother when I was younger.
168
00:08:50,810 --> 00:08:54,007
Oh, don't say that. I'm sure you were great.
169
00:08:54,180 --> 00:08:56,045
Yeah, I was a bit of a whore.
170
00:08:56,616 --> 00:08:57,913
Excuse me?
171
00:08:58,018 --> 00:09:00,680
A whore, dear. A dirty whore.
172
00:09:01,855 --> 00:09:03,288
I'm not proud of it.
173
00:09:03,923 --> 00:09:07,222
But still I had some fun.
174
00:09:08,261 --> 00:09:10,126
There is no thrill equal
175
00:09:10,230 --> 00:09:13,324
to looking into some guy's eyes
and thinking,
176
00:09:13,433 --> 00:09:15,799
"I don't know your name,
you don't know mine,
177
00:09:15,902 --> 00:09:18,837
"but for the next eight minutes,
178
00:09:18,938 --> 00:09:21,099
"we are gonna rock
this gas station bathroom
179
00:09:21,207 --> 00:09:23,300
"right off its foundation.
180
00:09:24,411 --> 00:09:27,539
"And then just drive off
in opposite directions.
181
00:09:30,216 --> 00:09:32,081
"Just keep driving. "
182
00:09:34,621 --> 00:09:35,645
Barney's mom?
183
00:09:35,789 --> 00:09:36,949
- Loretta.
- Loretta.
184
00:09:37,057 --> 00:09:38,024
Oh!
185
00:09:38,625 --> 00:09:41,719
Anyway, that's all in the past now.
186
00:09:41,928 --> 00:09:43,361
I did the best I could,
187
00:09:43,463 --> 00:09:48,730
but sometimes I wonder how Barney
turned out to be so perfect.
188
00:09:50,170 --> 00:09:52,070
You have to tell your mom
the truth, okay?
189
00:09:52,172 --> 00:09:56,165
Listen, she is a sweet,
caring, slightly-too-graphic woman
190
00:09:56,276 --> 00:09:58,006
who deserves better.
191
00:09:58,312 --> 00:10:01,008
No. No way. The truth would kill her.
192
00:10:01,348 --> 00:10:02,713
I don't feel right
193
00:10:02,817 --> 00:10:06,150
about lying to such
a kindhearted woman, okay?
194
00:10:06,454 --> 00:10:08,513
She reminds me of my own mother.
195
00:10:09,790 --> 00:10:12,054
- What?
- "Kindhearted"?
196
00:10:12,159 --> 00:10:15,822
Remember in our wedding vows
when I said we'd be together forever?
197
00:10:15,930 --> 00:10:19,866
Well, on our way back up the aisle,
your mother leaned in and she said,
198
00:10:20,101 --> 00:10:23,298
"Not forever, sweetie.
Marshall's going to Heaven. "
199
00:10:24,138 --> 00:10:26,971
- She was making a joke.
- She hates me, Marshall.
200
00:10:27,074 --> 00:10:28,507
But that's okay because...
201
00:10:29,076 --> 00:10:30,168
Never mind.
202
00:10:30,644 --> 00:10:33,238
No. What were you gonna say?
203
00:10:33,347 --> 00:10:36,680
Nothing. Hey, do you want to go do it
in Barney's childhood bedroom again?
204
00:10:36,951 --> 00:10:39,852
- On the racecar bed?
- Handles great, buddy.
205
00:10:40,287 --> 00:10:43,347
Look, Lily, if today has taught us
nothing else,
206
00:10:43,457 --> 00:10:47,086
it's that honesty is important
when it comes to family.
207
00:10:47,194 --> 00:10:50,686
Now, whatever you're feeling
towards my mother,
208
00:10:50,798 --> 00:10:54,063
we've been together for 12 years, baby.
209
00:10:54,435 --> 00:10:57,029
- I think that I can handle it.
- Really?
210
00:10:57,138 --> 00:10:59,038
- Yeah.
- Okay.
211
00:11:00,241 --> 00:11:01,833
I hate your mom.
212
00:11:03,077 --> 00:11:04,271
Well, guess what?
213
00:11:04,378 --> 00:11:05,709
I hate you!
214
00:11:09,484 --> 00:11:12,885
- Two-minute warning for meatloaf!
- Meatloaf?
215
00:11:13,088 --> 00:11:14,453
Tyler no likey!
216
00:11:16,525 --> 00:11:19,494
Grant, we have been over this
a million times!
217
00:11:19,594 --> 00:11:23,030
- You are not getting a catchphrase!
- But it's funny.
218
00:11:23,765 --> 00:11:26,529
Grant, I am not afraid to recast.
219
00:11:27,102 --> 00:11:30,196
Now go memorize your lines
for the big dinner scene.
220
00:11:31,439 --> 00:11:33,999
Wait. So you wrote the dinner
we're about to have?
221
00:11:34,109 --> 00:11:35,701
Yeah, yeah. Just a short script.
222
00:11:35,844 --> 00:11:37,937
Just things that will make
my mom happy to hear.
223
00:11:38,146 --> 00:11:39,113
What kind of things?
224
00:11:39,214 --> 00:11:43,583
And I really thought
Barney had forgotten our anniversary.
225
00:11:43,685 --> 00:11:47,951
So I storm out to the backyard,
and there's smoke coming out of my ears.
226
00:11:48,056 --> 00:11:51,116
Nostrils flaring. Her nostrils flare
when she gets mad. I love it.
227
00:11:51,326 --> 00:11:53,920
Doing it right now. Doing it right now!
228
00:11:54,462 --> 00:11:57,124
- You better stop, mister!
- Okay, okay.
229
00:11:57,232 --> 00:11:59,530
Sorry, sorry, boo bear. Continue.
230
00:11:59,634 --> 00:12:02,068
This is what you're actually like
in a relationship.
231
00:12:02,270 --> 00:12:05,000
So I storm out to the backyard and...
232
00:12:05,907 --> 00:12:09,809
Candles everywhere and a string quartet.
233
00:12:10,845 --> 00:12:13,575
- Can you believe that?
- No, not even slightly.
234
00:12:14,549 --> 00:12:17,417
What about my little Ty-Ty?
What have you been up to?
235
00:12:17,653 --> 00:12:18,779
Funny story,
236
00:12:18,888 --> 00:12:22,255
just the other night,
this little rascal had a nightmare.
237
00:12:22,358 --> 00:12:24,019
And when he came in
to tell us what it was about...
238
00:12:24,126 --> 00:12:25,855
Do you remember what you said, champ?
239
00:12:27,396 --> 00:12:28,363
Uh...
240
00:12:29,298 --> 00:12:31,766
Page four.
241
00:12:35,571 --> 00:12:39,029
The dinosaur bones in the museum
came to life and started chasing me?
242
00:12:39,141 --> 00:12:42,406
All right, thanks a lot, buddy.
I didn't need to sleep tonight.
243
00:12:42,545 --> 00:12:45,946
No. Tyler said, "My nightmare was
244
00:12:46,048 --> 00:12:48,846
"that you and Mommy didn't know
how much I loved you.
245
00:12:49,018 --> 00:12:53,819
"So I wanted to come in
and tell you it was this much. "
246
00:12:53,923 --> 00:12:57,484
- Aw! That's so sweet.
- We're a sweet, happy family.
247
00:12:57,660 --> 00:13:00,561
Okay, I'm gonna grab some ice cream
from the freezer downstairs
248
00:13:00,663 --> 00:13:02,528
and then we'll all hit
the sundae bar in the kitchen.
249
00:13:05,968 --> 00:13:10,428
Wow. Not a weak link in that scene. Bravo.
250
00:13:10,539 --> 00:13:13,633
Back off, Barney.
You have no idea how hard it is
251
00:13:13,743 --> 00:13:15,973
to do a job that's beneath you.
252
00:13:16,078 --> 00:13:19,605
Grant, I really enjoyed your thing
about the dinosaur bones.
253
00:13:19,715 --> 00:13:22,809
Can we please stop talking
about the dinosaur bones?
254
00:13:24,153 --> 00:13:26,747
- Just go eat your sundae.
- I can't.
255
00:13:27,056 --> 00:13:29,116
I'm lactose intolerant.
256
00:13:29,760 --> 00:13:32,627
Well, guess who's not
lactose intolerant? Tyler.
257
00:13:33,230 --> 00:13:37,758
Tyler is gonna go in there
and enjoy every last bite.
258
00:13:37,934 --> 00:13:41,131
- Ice cream time, gang.
- Yummers!
259
00:13:43,140 --> 00:13:44,698
Oh, my God!
260
00:13:46,710 --> 00:13:48,200
Tyler no likey.
261
00:13:48,512 --> 00:13:50,537
You're not getting a catchphrase.
262
00:13:56,687 --> 00:13:59,247
- I don't understand.
- I do.
263
00:14:02,959 --> 00:14:04,017
Follow my lead.
264
00:14:04,127 --> 00:14:09,121
I've been betrayed by my best friend.
265
00:14:09,232 --> 00:14:11,166
How could you do this, Ted?
266
00:14:11,902 --> 00:14:16,430
Think about poor Tyler,
bravely trying to hold back tears.
267
00:14:17,274 --> 00:14:20,072
It's okay, son, you can cry.
268
00:14:21,978 --> 00:14:23,036
Cry!
269
00:14:24,548 --> 00:14:27,711
I don't want my mommy
and daddy to get divorced!
270
00:14:29,453 --> 00:14:30,579
Wow!
271
00:14:31,922 --> 00:14:36,086
What could you possibly have
to say for yourself?
272
00:14:37,362 --> 00:14:39,330
Acting rule number one,
273
00:14:39,430 --> 00:14:41,125
don't be afraid to improvise.
274
00:14:42,834 --> 00:14:44,665
Was it me who betrayed you,
275
00:14:45,803 --> 00:14:47,794
or you who betrayed me?
276
00:14:48,706 --> 00:14:49,866
I'm sorry. What?
277
00:14:50,875 --> 00:14:52,672
Acting rule number five,
278
00:14:52,844 --> 00:14:55,711
invent a rich back-story
for your character.
279
00:14:56,547 --> 00:14:58,572
November 14th, 1998.
280
00:14:59,884 --> 00:15:02,580
The overnight train to Monte Carlo.
281
00:15:03,554 --> 00:15:05,749
I was in the billiards car,
282
00:15:05,923 --> 00:15:09,051
hustling some Algerians
out of a few thousand dinar,
283
00:15:09,627 --> 00:15:12,926
when you seduced my fiancée,
284
00:15:13,965 --> 00:15:17,059
who is blind and thought you were me.
285
00:15:17,168 --> 00:15:18,260
Yes.
286
00:15:18,836 --> 00:15:21,327
What in God's name
are you talking about?
287
00:15:22,106 --> 00:15:23,471
Acting rule number eight,
288
00:15:23,574 --> 00:15:25,371
don't be afraid to get physical.
289
00:15:26,944 --> 00:15:27,911
Ow!
290
00:15:28,045 --> 00:15:29,842
You know damn well
what I'm talking about!
291
00:15:29,947 --> 00:15:31,278
No, I don't!
292
00:15:31,983 --> 00:15:36,784
Yes, you do! And, by God,
I'll hear you say it, scoundrel!
293
00:15:37,789 --> 00:15:41,122
- Mom, can you give us a sec?
- Okay.
294
00:15:42,360 --> 00:15:44,954
- There's chocolate and butterscotch.
- Okay, thanks. Now just...
295
00:15:45,062 --> 00:15:47,759
There are various kinds
of sprinkles and marshmallows.
296
00:15:47,866 --> 00:15:48,833
Just...
297
00:15:50,302 --> 00:15:52,395
Have you lost your mind?
298
00:15:52,938 --> 00:15:55,338
You were amazing!
299
00:15:55,441 --> 00:15:58,069
You completely just became
that character.
300
00:15:58,177 --> 00:16:00,077
Honestly, I wasn't so much playing Ted
301
00:16:00,179 --> 00:16:02,875
as I was just trying
to get out of Ted's way.
302
00:16:03,081 --> 00:16:04,605
What is wrong with you people?
303
00:16:04,716 --> 00:16:07,446
Ted, how am I ever gonna
explain this to my mother?
304
00:16:07,553 --> 00:16:10,215
Well, maybe it's time to tell her
the truth, Barney.
305
00:16:10,322 --> 00:16:13,416
I don't know, Lily.
Sometimes, honesty leads people
306
00:16:13,525 --> 00:16:17,256
to say mean things about a woman
who always took special care of me
307
00:16:17,362 --> 00:16:19,353
because I was the runt of the family.
308
00:16:19,932 --> 00:16:22,765
For crying out loud, I'm only 6'4"!
309
00:16:25,804 --> 00:16:27,294
How good was my crying?
310
00:16:27,406 --> 00:16:29,169
You nailed it. See?
311
00:16:29,274 --> 00:16:32,641
Even at a gig you hate,
you still managed to love what you do.
312
00:16:33,812 --> 00:16:36,007
Maybe that's how it will be
for you at your new job.
313
00:16:36,615 --> 00:16:38,845
- You think so?
- I know so.
314
00:16:39,551 --> 00:16:40,711
Thanks, Grant.
315
00:16:41,119 --> 00:16:43,485
You're pretty smart, you know that?
316
00:16:47,259 --> 00:16:49,784
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Sorry! Sorry!
317
00:16:49,928 --> 00:16:51,862
Thought I was picking up on something.
318
00:16:53,699 --> 00:16:55,030
Honey, are you okay?
319
00:16:55,601 --> 00:16:58,696
Look, Mom,
there's something I have to tell you.
320
00:16:59,305 --> 00:17:02,399
Something I should have told you
a long time ago.
321
00:17:06,980 --> 00:17:08,208
Tyler is dying.
322
00:17:09,382 --> 00:17:13,079
And Betty said that when he goes,
she's gonna off herself.
323
00:17:13,620 --> 00:17:16,214
So that's all probably
gonna go down pretty soon.
324
00:17:16,322 --> 00:17:17,812
Oh, my God!
325
00:17:18,091 --> 00:17:21,492
Okay, no. No! None of that is true!
326
00:17:21,594 --> 00:17:23,528
The truth is, I...
327
00:17:26,666 --> 00:17:32,832
The truth is Betty and Tyler are actors
that I hired to pretend to be my family.
328
00:17:33,406 --> 00:17:34,464
What?
329
00:17:34,807 --> 00:17:37,469
I just wanted you to think I had the life
330
00:17:37,577 --> 00:17:40,740
you wanted for me.
I wanted you to be proud of me.
331
00:17:41,548 --> 00:17:44,176
I know it sounds crazy,
and I am so sorry, Mom.
332
00:17:44,751 --> 00:17:48,118
- So Betty is not your wife?
- No.
333
00:17:48,821 --> 00:17:52,689
Thank God! I do not like that woman.
334
00:17:53,626 --> 00:17:55,423
- Really?
- Yes.
335
00:17:55,995 --> 00:17:57,587
And Tyler...
336
00:17:58,331 --> 00:18:01,562
I know I'm his grandma
and I'm supposed to love him,
337
00:18:01,668 --> 00:18:04,728
but I hate that kid. "Tyler no likey. "
338
00:18:04,837 --> 00:18:06,464
- What the hell is that?
- Right?
339
00:18:06,573 --> 00:18:10,806
And those fake friends of yours out there,
I just wanted to shoot myself.
340
00:18:11,879 --> 00:18:13,904
I know! Aren't they horrible?
341
00:18:15,082 --> 00:18:16,982
So really, really, you're not mad?
342
00:18:17,618 --> 00:18:21,179
No, I'm just confused. I don't know
why you thought you had to do this.
343
00:18:21,655 --> 00:18:24,453
Barney, I love you,
perfect family or no perfect family.
344
00:18:24,558 --> 00:18:26,355
I love you no matter what.
345
00:18:27,194 --> 00:18:29,025
- Really?
- Really.
346
00:18:34,702 --> 00:18:37,136
Oh, I am so relieved
347
00:18:37,237 --> 00:18:40,638
because the truth is
I am as far from married
348
00:18:40,741 --> 00:18:42,732
as a human being can possibly be.
349
00:18:42,843 --> 00:18:46,108
My history with women
would shock and appall you.
350
00:18:46,213 --> 00:18:47,874
Doesn't matter. I still love you.
351
00:18:47,982 --> 00:18:50,849
Seriously, you can't imagine
the things I have done.
352
00:18:50,951 --> 00:18:53,545
Barney, when you were three,
I left you with a babysitter
353
00:18:53,654 --> 00:18:56,214
and spent three weeks
with Grand Funk Railroad,
354
00:18:56,323 --> 00:18:58,757
being passed around like a bong.
355
00:18:58,859 --> 00:19:00,053
Mommy!
356
00:19:01,095 --> 00:19:04,792
Just do me a favor.
If you ever do meet someone special,
357
00:19:04,898 --> 00:19:07,366
don't run away from it. Don't be me.
358
00:19:07,801 --> 00:19:09,701
Take a shot at it, will you?
359
00:19:10,204 --> 00:19:12,764
Hey, Barney, cab's here.
360
00:19:16,276 --> 00:19:17,505
I'll try.
361
00:19:18,613 --> 00:19:22,310
And so ended one of
the strangest afternoons of our lives.
362
00:19:23,451 --> 00:19:25,715
And I just wanted to say to you,
363
00:19:25,820 --> 00:19:30,917
if I ever seemed cold
or unwelcoming, I'm sorry.
364
00:19:31,259 --> 00:19:33,454
- Who's she talking to?
- My mom.
365
00:19:34,095 --> 00:19:38,054
It would mean a lot to me
if you and I could be closer.
366
00:19:39,100 --> 00:19:42,467
Now take a deep breath like
this next thing is gonna be hard to say.
367
00:19:45,540 --> 00:19:46,564
I love you.
368
00:19:46,808 --> 00:19:48,400
I love you...
369
00:19:48,777 --> 00:19:50,472
- Mom.
- Yes.
370
00:19:50,979 --> 00:19:52,105
...Mom.
371
00:19:53,515 --> 00:19:55,039
Now pretend I said something nice.
372
00:19:55,150 --> 00:19:57,209
Now pretend I said something nice.
373
00:19:57,819 --> 00:19:59,252
I mean,
374
00:19:59,354 --> 00:20:02,619
that's very nice of you to say, Judy.
375
00:20:03,258 --> 00:20:06,750
Okay. You, too. Speak soon.
376
00:20:15,270 --> 00:20:17,636
Let me get this straight.
You're really telling me
377
00:20:17,739 --> 00:20:19,707
that when you watch The Karate Kid,
378
00:20:19,808 --> 00:20:22,504
- you don't root for Daniel-san?
- Nope.
379
00:20:23,445 --> 00:20:25,913
- Who do you root for in Die Hard?
- Hans Gruber,
380
00:20:26,381 --> 00:20:30,113
charming international bandit.
At the end, he died hard.
381
00:20:30,286 --> 00:20:31,981
He's the title character.
382
00:20:32,388 --> 00:20:35,255
Okay, The Breakfast Club.
383
00:20:35,791 --> 00:20:38,089
The teacher running detention.
384
00:20:38,194 --> 00:20:40,059
He's the only guy
in the whole movie wearing a suit.
385
00:20:40,730 --> 00:20:43,324
I got one. Terminator.
386
00:20:43,799 --> 00:20:46,029
What's the name of the movie, Robin?
387
00:20:46,635 --> 00:20:49,399
Who among us didn't shed a tear
388
00:20:49,505 --> 00:20:51,939
when his little red eye
went out at the end
389
00:20:52,041 --> 00:20:54,532
and he didn't get to kill those people?
390
00:20:56,145 --> 00:20:57,908
I'm sorry. That movie...
391
00:20:59,248 --> 00:21:01,682
I am never watching a movie
with you ever again.
392
00:21:02,051 --> 00:21:04,383
They didn't even
try to help him!