1
00:00:02,419 --> 00:00:03,294
Check it:
2
00:00:04,254 --> 00:00:07,298
Three blonde babies drinking
bad decision juice at 8:00.
3
00:00:08,747 --> 00:00:10,047
Nice rack radar.
4
00:00:10,674 --> 00:00:13,304
- That's my wife.
- No, I got to get going.
5
00:00:13,472 --> 00:00:15,955
Seriously?
But they're blonde and drunk.
6
00:00:16,080 --> 00:00:17,266
Isn't that your type?
7
00:00:17,716 --> 00:00:20,311
Maybe I don't have a type, Lily.
8
00:00:20,770 --> 00:00:23,495
God, do you think
the male mind is really
9
00:00:23,620 --> 00:00:25,047
that simplistic,
10
00:00:25,172 --> 00:00:27,594
that we all have one favorite type?
11
00:00:27,719 --> 00:00:28,694
Geez.
12
00:00:28,933 --> 00:00:30,154
Asian with some boob.
13
00:00:30,745 --> 00:00:33,157
I'm gonna hit the bathroom,
then bail.
14
00:00:33,749 --> 00:00:36,619
Okay, have you guys noticed
Barney's been acting weird lately?
15
00:00:36,871 --> 00:00:37,929
Actually, yes.
16
00:00:38,054 --> 00:00:40,102
You know how he always says
never buy a girl flowers,
17
00:00:40,227 --> 00:00:42,249
'cause giving her a living thing
reminds her babies?
18
00:00:42,417 --> 00:00:44,609
- Sure.
- Well, the other day,
19
00:00:44,898 --> 00:00:48,047
I saw him at that flower shop
on 82nd buying roses.
20
00:00:48,215 --> 00:00:49,848
- What?
- Now that you mention it,
21
00:00:49,973 --> 00:00:52,718
Barney did do something kind of odd
at the office yesterday.
22
00:00:53,213 --> 00:00:54,800
Okay, see you Saturday.
23
00:00:54,925 --> 00:00:57,306
I'm thinking brunch,
farmer's market, maybe a hike.
24
00:00:58,068 --> 00:00:59,378
I love you, too.
25
00:00:59,503 --> 00:01:00,309
Bye.
26
00:01:02,068 --> 00:01:05,237
I figured he was just talking
to some girl he was trying to nail.
27
00:01:05,362 --> 00:01:07,312
Or Ted, but now I don't know.
28
00:01:07,901 --> 00:01:11,051
Wait, do you think it's possible
that Barney Stinson
29
00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:12,922
has a girlfriend?
30
00:01:13,848 --> 00:01:14,750
Later.
31
00:01:14,875 --> 00:01:16,992
Wait, Barney, hold on.
Where are you going?
32
00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:18,160
Nowhere.
33
00:01:18,715 --> 00:01:20,994
The beach.
It's winter. Lazer Tag.
34
00:01:21,119 --> 00:01:22,832
Home. Shut up.
You're going somewhere.
35
00:01:24,912 --> 00:01:25,962
Oh, my God.
36
00:01:26,293 --> 00:01:27,670
He's meeting her right now.
37
00:01:31,654 --> 00:01:33,607
- Where is Barney going?
- Yeah.
38
00:01:33,732 --> 00:01:35,469
We're not even in Manhattan anymore.
39
00:01:35,764 --> 00:01:37,138
Where's this girl live?
40
00:01:37,306 --> 00:01:40,390
We're talking about a woman
who's gotten Barney Stinson to commit.
41
00:01:40,515 --> 00:01:42,015
I'm guessing Narnia.
42
00:01:43,417 --> 00:01:44,633
He's stopping.
43
00:01:57,351 --> 00:01:59,269
- What are you guys doing here?
- Where is she?
44
00:01:59,394 --> 00:02:01,120
- Who?
- Your girlfriend.
45
00:02:03,934 --> 00:02:06,334
You really don't have a type,
do you?
46
00:02:08,118 --> 00:02:09,272
These are my friends.
47
00:02:12,257 --> 00:02:13,220
Guys,
48
00:02:13,345 --> 00:02:14,680
this is Loretta.
49
00:02:14,972 --> 00:02:17,428
- My mom.
- It's so nice to meet you.
50
00:02:17,754 --> 00:02:19,597
I feel like I already know you all.
51
00:02:19,902 --> 00:02:22,683
Barney goes on and on about you
every day when we talk.
52
00:02:22,851 --> 00:02:25,352
You call your mom every day?
53
00:02:26,787 --> 00:02:27,787
Mom!
54
00:02:29,399 --> 00:02:31,481
So that's what you were being
all secretive about?
55
00:02:31,606 --> 00:02:34,570
You didn't want us to know
you're a big old mama's boy.
56
00:02:35,308 --> 00:02:38,365
Yep, you got me.
Well, guess you guys can leave.
57
00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:44,747
Who are all these people?
58
00:02:48,264 --> 00:02:49,913
I'd like you to meet Betty...
59
00:02:50,038 --> 00:02:51,086
my wife.
60
00:02:53,715 --> 00:02:55,424
And my son Tyler.
61
00:02:56,927 --> 00:02:59,370
Synchro: ShalimarFox, Arrow
62
00:03:12,234 --> 00:03:15,402
Betty and I are gonna get dinner ready.
There'll be plenty for everyone.
63
00:03:15,679 --> 00:03:16,956
But remember you,
64
00:03:17,081 --> 00:03:19,578
only one helping of meatloaf
after what Dr. Grossbard
65
00:03:19,703 --> 00:03:22,428
- said about your cholesterol.
- This one wants me to live forever.
66
00:03:22,553 --> 00:03:23,285
Guilty.
67
00:03:24,413 --> 00:03:26,080
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
68
00:03:26,248 --> 00:03:28,999
- I love you three!
- Get out of here, you little scamp!
69
00:03:31,506 --> 00:03:34,588
- So, I'll see you guys back at the bar?
- What the hell, Barney?
70
00:03:34,875 --> 00:03:36,735
{\pos(192,210)}OK, it's a long story.
71
00:03:37,549 --> 00:03:40,345
{\pos(192,220)}As you know, my father
had to leave my mom
72
00:03:40,470 --> 00:03:43,472
{\pos(192,220)}when I was a baby because he got hired
as the host of The Price is Right.
73
00:03:43,857 --> 00:03:46,475
{\pos(192,210)}- It was a very good show.
- Bob Barker is your father.
74
00:03:46,643 --> 00:03:50,448
{\pos(192,210)}She had to raise
my brother and me by herself.
75
00:03:50,690 --> 00:03:53,635
{\pos(192,190)}And her only wish was for her sons
76
00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:56,318
{\pos(192,210)}not to wind up alone, like she was.
77
00:03:56,925 --> 00:03:59,488
Then about seven years ago,
she got really sick.
78
00:04:00,167 --> 00:04:02,754
It looked like
she wasn't going to make it.
79
00:04:02,879 --> 00:04:05,983
So, I decided to make
her wish come true.
80
00:04:06,317 --> 00:04:07,343
Mom.
81
00:04:07,718 --> 00:04:10,155
This is Betty.
We're engaged.
82
00:04:10,974 --> 00:04:14,743
{\pos(192,210)}I hired an actress
to play my fiancée "Betty".
83
00:04:15,361 --> 00:04:16,682
{\pos(192,210)}Her real name's Margaret.
84
00:04:16,807 --> 00:04:19,257
{\pos(192,210)}She mostly does off-Broadway theater.
Wonderful actress.
85
00:04:19,382 --> 00:04:21,174
{\pos(192,210)}This close to a Tony.
It's all who you know.
86
00:04:21,299 --> 00:04:23,310
{\pos(192,210)}It's very political.
I shouldn't get into it.
87
00:04:23,435 --> 00:04:25,135
{\pos(192,210)}But there's one problem.
88
00:04:25,621 --> 00:04:28,642
{\pos(192,210)}Betty has a slight tendency
to go off-book.
89
00:04:29,019 --> 00:04:31,684
You see, Mom?
I found someone who makes me happy.
90
00:04:31,953 --> 00:04:33,147
Just like you wanted.
91
00:04:33,396 --> 00:04:34,746
{\pos(192,210)}That's wonderful.
92
00:04:35,698 --> 00:04:39,361
{\pos(192,210)}I just wish I could've stuck around
long enough for grandchildren.
93
00:04:40,516 --> 00:04:41,666
I'm pregnant!
94
00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:48,329
And then my mom got better.
95
00:04:49,414 --> 00:04:52,347
{\pos(192,210)}Which was miraculous. But it meant
that I had to keep "Betty"
96
00:04:52,472 --> 00:04:55,702
{\pos(192,210)}around and cast a kid
to play my son Tyler.
97
00:04:56,171 --> 00:04:59,381
{\pos(192,210)}This is crazy.
You actually cast your own son?
98
00:04:59,737 --> 00:05:00,727
{\pos(192,210)}For a while,
99
00:05:00,852 --> 00:05:03,552
{\pos(192,210)}I got by borrowing/babysitting
my neighbor's baby.
100
00:05:03,897 --> 00:05:07,051
{\pos(192,190)}And this one Christmas,
when my mom was plowed on eggnog,
101
00:05:07,176 --> 00:05:09,889
{\pos(192,210)}I got away with a bag of flour
and a Chuckie mask.
102
00:05:10,251 --> 00:05:13,187
{\pos(192,210)}But eventually,
I had to hold auditions.
103
00:05:14,214 --> 00:05:15,214
Four,
104
00:05:15,607 --> 00:05:16,633
eight...
105
00:05:17,593 --> 00:05:20,861
13, you can stay.
The rest of you may go.
106
00:05:23,249 --> 00:05:26,033
You said that if I slept with you,
my son would get the part.
107
00:05:26,321 --> 00:05:28,577
Apparently,
I'm a better actor than your kid.
108
00:05:29,151 --> 00:05:31,121
Bring in the 11:00's!
109
00:05:31,655 --> 00:05:35,255
And that's how the role of Tyler
eventually went to...
110
00:05:35,940 --> 00:05:36,940
Grant.
111
00:05:38,514 --> 00:05:40,714
- Come on, Grant seems pretty good.
- You think so?
112
00:05:41,967 --> 00:05:43,603
Watch this.
Hey, Tyler.
113
00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:52,726
- Grant.
- Yeah?
114
00:05:54,017 --> 00:05:55,813
See?
It's like amateur hour over here.
115
00:05:56,982 --> 00:06:00,601
Call me crazy, but child actors
were way better back in the'80s.
116
00:06:04,611 --> 00:06:06,176
It looks like your mom kept
117
00:06:06,301 --> 00:06:08,655
your childhood bedroom
just the way you left it.
118
00:06:09,119 --> 00:06:11,611
That sure is a big poster
of The Karate Kid above your bed.
119
00:06:11,736 --> 00:06:13,247
Karate Kid's a great movie.
120
00:06:13,901 --> 00:06:17,856
It's the story of a hopeful young karate
enthusiast whose dreams and moxie
121
00:06:18,139 --> 00:06:20,629
take him all the way
to the All Valley Karate Championship.
122
00:06:21,287 --> 00:06:24,425
Of course, sadly, he loses
in the final round to that nerd kid.
123
00:06:25,594 --> 00:06:28,178
But he learns an important lesson
about gracefully accepting defeat.
124
00:06:29,380 --> 00:06:32,238
Wait.
When you watch The Karate Kid,
125
00:06:32,363 --> 00:06:34,935
you actually root
for that mean blond boy?
126
00:06:35,103 --> 00:06:38,460
No, I root for the scrawny loser
from New Jersey
127
00:06:38,585 --> 00:06:40,232
who barely even knows karate.
128
00:06:40,837 --> 00:06:44,778
When I watch The Karate Kid,
I root for the karate kid:
129
00:06:44,946 --> 00:06:47,272
Johnny Lawrence
from the Cobra Kai dojo.
130
00:06:47,628 --> 00:06:49,700
Get your head out of your ass, Lily.
131
00:06:52,269 --> 00:06:54,872
Okay, I just figured out
where I know you from.
132
00:06:55,865 --> 00:06:58,525
I saw you perform
at the Disorientation Theater
133
00:06:58,650 --> 00:07:02,588
in Bertolt Brecht's Die Heilige
Johanna der Schlachth felast fall.
134
00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:05,716
You were a revelation!
135
00:07:06,748 --> 00:07:08,204
- Really?
- Yeah.
136
00:07:08,329 --> 00:07:09,219
Thanks.
137
00:07:09,387 --> 00:07:12,723
I wasn't sure. I mean, the point
of Brecht's work, of course, is to...
138
00:07:12,891 --> 00:07:14,725
Alienate the audience.
Sure.
139
00:07:15,068 --> 00:07:18,103
Sorry.
Brecht-o-phile right here!
140
00:07:19,639 --> 00:07:21,148
You really know your theater.
141
00:07:22,070 --> 00:07:25,508
Lady Theater grabbed my heart early on
and she never let go.
142
00:07:26,151 --> 00:07:27,515
Every year at Christmas,
143
00:07:27,640 --> 00:07:30,199
I'd put on a little play for the parents
with all the other kids.
144
00:07:30,922 --> 00:07:34,369
Gee whiz, Santa, do you think
we can take off in this kind of snow?
145
00:07:34,537 --> 00:07:35,788
Cut! Cut!
146
00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:37,915
Cut! Ricky!
147
00:07:38,083 --> 00:07:40,168
Grandma and Grandpa
are gonna be here in half an hour,
148
00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:42,279
and you're still butchering
my words.
149
00:07:42,404 --> 00:07:44,838
Looks like I'm gonna have to write,
direct and star in this thing.
150
00:07:45,098 --> 00:07:47,098
Give me your elf hat.
Go sit.
151
00:07:47,959 --> 00:07:49,843
I always secretly wanted
to be an actor.
152
00:07:50,381 --> 00:07:52,721
It's one of those life dreams
that just slipped away, I guess.
153
00:07:53,145 --> 00:07:55,766
Listen, if you want,
I could give you some tips on acting.
154
00:07:56,032 --> 00:07:57,476
- Really?
- I'd love to.
155
00:07:59,528 --> 00:08:01,552
Acting rule number one...
156
00:08:02,286 --> 00:08:04,483
At least someone's still excited
about acting.
157
00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:06,401
I miss that.
158
00:08:07,261 --> 00:08:08,987
So, you don't like playing
Barney's son?
159
00:08:09,256 --> 00:08:11,657
I hate it.
But what can I do?
160
00:08:12,067 --> 00:08:14,779
- The phone just ain't ringing.
- I know what you mean.
161
00:08:14,904 --> 00:08:16,319
I'm a newscaster.
162
00:08:16,444 --> 00:08:18,914
But I just had to take a job
hosting a local morning show
163
00:08:19,039 --> 00:08:21,041
that airs at 4:30 in the morning.
164
00:08:22,594 --> 00:08:25,760
I just thought I'd be so much
further along by this point, you know?
165
00:08:25,885 --> 00:08:26,880
I'm almost 30.
166
00:08:27,202 --> 00:08:29,049
Come on, you still look great.
167
00:08:30,201 --> 00:08:31,718
I love your nose job.
168
00:08:32,379 --> 00:08:33,929
I never had a nose job.
169
00:08:34,289 --> 00:08:35,324
Right.
170
00:08:35,824 --> 00:08:36,901
Me neither.
171
00:08:39,459 --> 00:08:41,854
I can't believe
we haven't met you before.
172
00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:44,273
Who knew Barney
had such a great mom?
173
00:08:44,441 --> 00:08:45,752
Thanks, dear.
174
00:08:45,877 --> 00:08:49,319
Truth is, I wasn't always
the best mother when I was younger.
175
00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:52,156
Don't say that.
I'm sure you were great.
176
00:08:52,761 --> 00:08:54,658
Yeah, I was a bit of a whore.
177
00:08:55,406 --> 00:08:56,535
Excuse me?
178
00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:59,163
A whore, dear.
A dirty whore.
179
00:09:00,373 --> 00:09:01,498
I'm not proud of it.
180
00:09:02,751 --> 00:09:03,762
But...
181
00:09:04,038 --> 00:09:05,502
still, I had some fun.
182
00:09:06,935 --> 00:09:09,134
There is no thrill equal to...
183
00:09:09,259 --> 00:09:12,080
looking into some guy's eyes
and thinking,
184
00:09:12,205 --> 00:09:15,143
"I don't know your name,
you don't know mine, but...
185
00:09:16,177 --> 00:09:17,540
"for the next eight minutes,
186
00:09:17,665 --> 00:09:19,888
"we are gonna rock
this gas station bathroom
187
00:09:20,013 --> 00:09:21,768
"right off its foundation."
188
00:09:23,229 --> 00:09:26,231
And then just drive off
in opposite directions.
189
00:09:28,919 --> 00:09:30,319
Just keep driving.
190
00:09:33,271 --> 00:09:34,451
Barney's mom?
191
00:09:34,576 --> 00:09:35,616
Loretta.
192
00:09:37,268 --> 00:09:40,120
Anyway, that's,
that's all in the past now.
193
00:09:41,039 --> 00:09:42,727
I did the best I could, but...
194
00:09:43,688 --> 00:09:46,960
sometimes I wonder how Barney
turned out to be so perfect.
195
00:09:48,797 --> 00:09:50,803
You have to tell your mom
the truth, okay?
196
00:09:50,928 --> 00:09:52,571
Listen, she is a sweet,
197
00:09:52,696 --> 00:09:56,470
caring, slightly too graphic woman
who deserves better.
198
00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:59,306
No way. The truth would kill her.
199
00:10:00,015 --> 00:10:01,383
I don't feel right
200
00:10:01,508 --> 00:10:03,995
about lying to such
a kindhearted woman, okay?
201
00:10:05,107 --> 00:10:06,647
She reminds me of my own mother.
202
00:10:08,512 --> 00:10:10,484
- What?
- Kindhearted?
203
00:10:10,919 --> 00:10:13,987
Remember in our wedding vows
when I said we'd be together forever?
204
00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:18,557
On our way back up the aisle,
your mother leaned in and she said,
205
00:10:18,827 --> 00:10:22,079
"Not forever, sweetie.
Marshall's going to heaven."
206
00:10:22,865 --> 00:10:25,641
- She was making a joke.
- She hates me, Marshall.
207
00:10:25,766 --> 00:10:27,231
But that's okay because...
208
00:10:27,635 --> 00:10:28,460
Never mind.
209
00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:31,797
What were you gonna say?
210
00:10:32,018 --> 00:10:35,199
Nothing. Do you want to go do it
in Barney's childhood bedroom again?
211
00:10:35,661 --> 00:10:38,178
- On the race car bed?
- Handles great, buddy.
212
00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:42,724
Look, Lily, if today has taught us
nothing else, it's that
213
00:10:42,892 --> 00:10:45,394
honesty is important
when it comes to family.
214
00:10:46,438 --> 00:10:49,038
Now, whatever you're feeling
towards my mother,
215
00:10:49,539 --> 00:10:52,310
we've been together
for 12 years, baby.
216
00:10:53,187 --> 00:10:55,696
- I think that I can handle it.
- Really?
217
00:10:58,891 --> 00:11:00,206
I hate your mom.
218
00:11:01,710 --> 00:11:02,760
Guess what?
219
00:11:03,246 --> 00:11:04,329
I hate you!
220
00:11:08,172 --> 00:11:09,710
Two minute warning for meatloaf!
221
00:11:10,090 --> 00:11:11,044
Meatloaf?
222
00:11:11,802 --> 00:11:13,088
Tyler no likey!
223
00:11:16,050 --> 00:11:18,178
We have been over this
a million times!
224
00:11:18,303 --> 00:11:21,471
- You are not getting a catchphrase!
- But it's funny.
225
00:11:23,493 --> 00:11:25,058
I am not afraid to recast.
226
00:11:25,852 --> 00:11:28,430
Now go memorize your lines
for the big dinner scene.
227
00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:32,607
Wait. So you wrote the dinner
we're about to have?
228
00:11:32,782 --> 00:11:34,405
Just a short script.
229
00:11:34,530 --> 00:11:36,664
Just things that will make
my mom happy to hear.
230
00:11:36,789 --> 00:11:37,904
What kind of things?
231
00:11:38,072 --> 00:11:39,906
And I really thought
232
00:11:40,218 --> 00:11:42,242
Barney had forgotten
our anniversary.
233
00:11:42,410 --> 00:11:46,663
So I storm out to the backyard,
and there's smoke coming out of my ears.
234
00:11:46,831 --> 00:11:49,624
Nostrils flaring. Her nostrils flare
when she gets mad. I love it.
235
00:11:50,381 --> 00:11:52,544
Doing it right now.
Doing it right now!
236
00:11:53,126 --> 00:11:54,912
You better stop, mister!
237
00:11:55,037 --> 00:11:57,590
Sorry, sorry, boo bear. Continue.
238
00:11:58,231 --> 00:12:00,260
This is what you're actually
like in a relationship.
239
00:12:00,912 --> 00:12:03,368
So I storm out
to the backyard and...
240
00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:06,433
candles everywhere...
241
00:12:07,602 --> 00:12:08,769
and a string quartet.
242
00:12:09,938 --> 00:12:12,314
- Can you believe that?
- No, not even slightly.
243
00:12:13,261 --> 00:12:15,817
What about my little Ty-Ty.
What have you been up to?
244
00:12:16,381 --> 00:12:17,440
Funny story:
245
00:12:17,565 --> 00:12:20,447
just the other night,
this little rascal had a nightmare.
246
00:12:20,895 --> 00:12:22,724
When he came in
to tell us what it was about,
247
00:12:22,849 --> 00:12:24,591
do you remember
what you said, champ?
248
00:12:29,112 --> 00:12:30,112
Page four.
249
00:12:34,222 --> 00:12:37,839
The dinosaur bones in the museum
came to life and started chasing me?
250
00:12:38,109 --> 00:12:40,674
Thanks a lot, buddy.
I didn't need to sleep tonight.
251
00:12:42,633 --> 00:12:44,615
Tyler said, "My nightmare was
252
00:12:44,740 --> 00:12:47,585
"that you and Mommy didn't
know how much I loved you.
253
00:12:47,710 --> 00:12:50,143
"So I wanted to come in
and tell you it was this much."
254
00:12:52,815 --> 00:12:54,314
That's so sweet.
255
00:12:54,483 --> 00:12:56,333
We're a sweet happy family.
256
00:12:56,458 --> 00:12:59,046
'm gonna grab some ice cream
from the freezer downstairs
257
00:12:59,171 --> 00:13:01,544
and then we'll all hit
the sundae bar in the kitchen.
258
00:13:05,741 --> 00:13:07,927
Not a weak link in that scene.
259
00:13:08,052 --> 00:13:09,162
Bravo.
260
00:13:09,331 --> 00:13:12,274
Back off, Barney.
You have no idea how hard it is
261
00:13:12,399 --> 00:13:13,917
to do a job that's beneath you.
262
00:13:15,616 --> 00:13:18,337
I really enjoyed your thing
about the dinosaur bones.
263
00:13:18,507 --> 00:13:20,549
Can we please stop talking
about the dinosaur bones?
264
00:13:22,797 --> 00:13:24,177
Just go eat your sundae.
265
00:13:24,430 --> 00:13:27,191
I can't.
I'm lactose-intolerant.
266
00:13:28,432 --> 00:13:30,851
Guess who's not
lactose-intolerant? Tyler.
267
00:13:31,870 --> 00:13:33,681
Tyler is gonna go in there
268
00:13:33,806 --> 00:13:36,329
and enjoy every last bite.
269
00:13:36,621 --> 00:13:38,066
Ice cream time, gang.
270
00:13:38,235 --> 00:13:39,235
Yummers!
271
00:13:41,842 --> 00:13:42,696
My God!
272
00:13:45,356 --> 00:13:46,685
Tyler no likey.
273
00:13:47,232 --> 00:13:49,316
You're not getting a catchphrase.
274
00:13:53,999 --> 00:13:55,292
I don't understand.
275
00:13:55,814 --> 00:13:56,814
I do.
276
00:14:00,131 --> 00:14:01,465
Follow my lead.
277
00:14:01,634 --> 00:14:02,634
I've...
278
00:14:03,325 --> 00:14:04,701
been betrayed
279
00:14:05,030 --> 00:14:06,386
by my best friend.
280
00:14:06,554 --> 00:14:08,263
How could you do this, Ted?
281
00:14:09,191 --> 00:14:10,807
Think about poor Tyler
282
00:14:11,513 --> 00:14:13,811
bravely trying to hold back tears.
283
00:14:14,689 --> 00:14:17,121
It's okay, son, you can cry.
284
00:14:19,421 --> 00:14:20,421
Cry!
285
00:14:21,934 --> 00:14:24,488
I don't want my mommy
and daddy to get divorced!
286
00:14:29,305 --> 00:14:33,205
What could you possibly have
to say for yourself?
287
00:14:34,725 --> 00:14:36,374
Acting rule number one:
288
00:14:36,794 --> 00:14:38,543
"Don't be afraid to improvise."
289
00:14:40,135 --> 00:14:41,985
Was it me who betrayed you,
290
00:14:43,137 --> 00:14:45,158
or you who betrayed me?
291
00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:47,254
I'm sorry. What?
292
00:14:48,262 --> 00:14:49,763
Acting rule number five:
293
00:14:50,152 --> 00:14:53,073
"Invent a rich back story
for your character."
294
00:14:53,889 --> 00:14:55,963
November 14th, 1998.
295
00:14:57,252 --> 00:14:59,656
The overnight train to Monte Carlo.
296
00:15:01,026 --> 00:15:02,776
I was in the billiards car
297
00:15:03,340 --> 00:15:06,029
hustling some Algerians
out of few thousand dinar,
298
00:15:06,957 --> 00:15:10,190
when you seduced my fiancée!
299
00:15:11,277 --> 00:15:14,413
Who is blind and thought
you were me.
300
00:15:16,207 --> 00:15:18,749
What in God's name
are you talking about?
301
00:15:19,353 --> 00:15:20,668
Acting rule number eight:
302
00:15:21,084 --> 00:15:22,921
Don't be afraid to get physical.
303
00:15:25,357 --> 00:15:27,101
You know damn well
what I'm talking about!
304
00:15:27,271 --> 00:15:28,343
No, I don't!
305
00:15:29,887 --> 00:15:31,293
Yes, you do! And by God,
306
00:15:31,418 --> 00:15:33,951
I'll hear you say it, scoundrel!
307
00:15:35,226 --> 00:15:36,892
Mom, can you give us a sec?
308
00:15:39,659 --> 00:15:42,271
There's chocolate and butterscotch.
309
00:15:42,539 --> 00:15:45,262
There's various kinds
of sprinkles and marshmallows.
310
00:15:48,089 --> 00:15:49,573
Have you lost your mind?!
311
00:15:50,299 --> 00:15:52,450
You were amazing!
312
00:15:52,715 --> 00:15:55,537
You completely just became
that character.
313
00:15:55,705 --> 00:15:57,528
Honestly,
I wasn't so much playing Ted
314
00:15:57,653 --> 00:15:59,748
as I was just trying
to get out of Ted's way.
315
00:16:00,419 --> 00:16:02,377
What is wrong with you people?
316
00:16:02,545 --> 00:16:04,754
How am I ever gonna
explain this to my mother?
317
00:16:04,922 --> 00:16:07,607
Maybe it's time
to tell her the truth.
318
00:16:08,134 --> 00:16:10,805
I don't know, Lily.
Sometimes, honesty leads people
319
00:16:10,930 --> 00:16:14,556
to say mean things about a woman
who always took special care of me
320
00:16:14,681 --> 00:16:16,557
because I was the
runt of the family.
321
00:16:17,282 --> 00:16:19,903
For crying out loud,
I'm only six-four!
322
00:16:23,097 --> 00:16:24,660
How good was my crying?
323
00:16:24,785 --> 00:16:26,610
You nailed it.
See?
324
00:16:26,778 --> 00:16:30,155
Even at a gig you hate,
you still managed to love what you do.
325
00:16:31,112 --> 00:16:33,491
Maybe that's how it will be
for you at your new job.
326
00:16:33,914 --> 00:16:36,032
- You think so?
- I know so.
327
00:16:36,874 --> 00:16:38,074
Thanks, Grant.
328
00:16:38,624 --> 00:16:40,655
You're pretty smart, you know that?
329
00:16:45,763 --> 00:16:46,913
Sorry! Sorry!
330
00:16:47,290 --> 00:16:49,257
Thought I was picking up
on something.
331
00:16:51,103 --> 00:16:52,469
Honey, are you okay?
332
00:16:52,887 --> 00:16:55,680
Look, Mom,
there's something I have to tell you.
333
00:16:56,556 --> 00:16:58,808
Something I should have
told you a long time ago.
334
00:17:04,263 --> 00:17:05,315
Tyler is dying.
335
00:17:06,777 --> 00:17:08,982
And Betty said that when he goes,
336
00:17:09,107 --> 00:17:10,567
she's gonna off herself.
337
00:17:10,934 --> 00:17:13,364
So that's probably
all gonna go down pretty soon.
338
00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:14,658
Oh, my God!
339
00:17:16,843 --> 00:17:18,393
None of that is true!
340
00:17:19,203 --> 00:17:20,455
The truth is, I...
341
00:17:23,925 --> 00:17:27,238
The truth is Betty and Tyler
are actors
342
00:17:27,363 --> 00:17:30,131
that I hired
to pretend to be my family.
343
00:17:30,686 --> 00:17:31,549
What?
344
00:17:32,114 --> 00:17:34,766
I just wanted you to think
I had the life
345
00:17:34,891 --> 00:17:37,222
you wanted for me.
I wanted you to be proud of me.
346
00:17:38,867 --> 00:17:41,518
I know it sounds crazy,
and I am so sorry, Mom.
347
00:17:42,073 --> 00:17:44,187
So Betty is not your wife?
348
00:17:46,125 --> 00:17:47,552
Thank God!
349
00:17:47,869 --> 00:17:49,899
I do not like that woman.
350
00:17:50,929 --> 00:17:52,589
- Really?
- Yes.
351
00:17:53,287 --> 00:17:54,761
And Tyler...
352
00:17:55,636 --> 00:17:58,904
I know I'm his grandma
and I'm supposed to love him,
353
00:17:59,370 --> 00:18:00,558
but I hate that kid.
354
00:18:00,683 --> 00:18:01,997
"Tyler no likey!"
355
00:18:02,122 --> 00:18:03,914
- What the hell is that?
- Right?
356
00:18:04,375 --> 00:18:07,961
Those fake friends of yours out there,
I just wanted to shoot myself.
357
00:18:09,310 --> 00:18:11,371
I know!
Aren't they horrible?
358
00:18:12,434 --> 00:18:14,383
So really, really, you're not mad?
359
00:18:14,936 --> 00:18:18,138
I'm just confused. I don't know
why you thought you had to do this.
360
00:18:19,473 --> 00:18:21,816
Barney, I love you, perfect
family or no perfect family.
361
00:18:21,941 --> 00:18:23,768
I love you no matter what.
362
00:18:24,489 --> 00:18:26,367
- Really?
- Really.
363
00:18:32,435 --> 00:18:34,502
I am so relieved
364
00:18:35,072 --> 00:18:38,011
because the truth is
I am as far from married
365
00:18:38,136 --> 00:18:40,011
as a human being can possibly be.
366
00:18:40,136 --> 00:18:42,954
My history with women
would shock and appall you.
367
00:18:43,504 --> 00:18:45,129
Doesn't matter.
I still love you.
368
00:18:45,334 --> 00:18:47,791
Seriously, you can't imagine
the things I have done.
369
00:18:48,318 --> 00:18:50,883
Barney, when you were three,
I left you with a babysitter
370
00:18:51,008 --> 00:18:53,633
and spent three weeks
with Grand Funk Railroad
371
00:18:53,758 --> 00:18:55,550
being passed around like a bong.
372
00:18:56,194 --> 00:18:57,194
Mommy!
373
00:18:58,447 --> 00:18:59,821
Just do me a favor.
374
00:18:59,946 --> 00:19:02,072
If you ever do meet someone special,
375
00:19:02,197 --> 00:19:04,443
don't run away from it.
Don't be me.
376
00:19:05,174 --> 00:19:06,950
Take a shot at it, will you?
377
00:19:08,982 --> 00:19:10,032
Cab's here.
378
00:19:13,583 --> 00:19:14,583
I'll try.
379
00:19:15,958 --> 00:19:19,534
And so ended one of the strangest
afternoons of our lives.
380
00:19:20,743 --> 00:19:22,920
And I just wanted to say to you,
381
00:19:23,155 --> 00:19:25,230
if I ever seemed cold
382
00:19:25,479 --> 00:19:27,984
or unwelcoming, I'm sorry.
383
00:19:28,627 --> 00:19:29,918
Who's she talking to?
384
00:19:30,087 --> 00:19:31,087
My mom.
385
00:19:31,837 --> 00:19:35,147
It would mean a lot to me
if you and I could be closer.
386
00:19:36,406 --> 00:19:39,791
Now take a deep breath like this next
thing is gonna be hard to say.
387
00:19:42,911 --> 00:19:44,015
I love you.
388
00:19:44,184 --> 00:19:45,334
I love you...
389
00:19:46,143 --> 00:19:46,896
Mom.
390
00:19:48,312 --> 00:19:49,312
... Mom.
391
00:19:50,785 --> 00:19:52,273
Now pretend I said something nice.
392
00:19:52,442 --> 00:19:54,151
Now pretend I said something nice.
393
00:19:55,403 --> 00:19:56,403
I mean,
394
00:19:56,649 --> 00:19:59,948
that's very nice
of you to say, Judy.
395
00:20:01,722 --> 00:20:03,785
You, too.
Speak soon.
396
00:20:11,310 --> 00:20:13,714
Let me get this straight.
You're really telling me
397
00:20:13,839 --> 00:20:15,637
that when you watch The Karate Kid,
398
00:20:15,762 --> 00:20:17,340
you don't root for Daniel-san?
399
00:20:19,426 --> 00:20:22,277
- Who do you root for in Die Hard?
- Hans Gruber,
400
00:20:22,426 --> 00:20:24,299
charming international bandit.
401
00:20:24,424 --> 00:20:26,174
At the end, he died hard.
402
00:20:26,365 --> 00:20:27,954
He's the title character.
403
00:20:28,488 --> 00:20:30,596
Okay, The Breakfast Club?
404
00:20:31,802 --> 00:20:33,802
The teacher running detention.
405
00:20:34,178 --> 00:20:36,234
He's the only guy
in the whole movie wearing a suit.
406
00:20:36,838 --> 00:20:38,866
I got one.
Terminator.
407
00:20:39,744 --> 00:20:41,865
What's the name of the movie, Robin?
408
00:20:42,688 --> 00:20:45,307
Who among us didn't shed a tear
409
00:20:45,432 --> 00:20:47,853
when his little red eye
went out at the end
410
00:20:47,978 --> 00:20:50,206
and he didn't get
to kill those people?
411
00:20:52,183 --> 00:20:53,933
I'm sorry.
That movie...
412
00:20:55,281 --> 00:20:57,881
I am never watching a movie
with you ever again.
413
00:20:58,049 --> 00:21:00,133
They didn't even try to help him!