1
00:00:01,935 --> 00:00:04,495
Oh, heads up, Jillian.
Coffee is for closers.
2
00:00:04,571 --> 00:00:06,038
Well, I don't even drink coffee.
3
00:00:06,106 --> 00:00:09,166
Mmm, well, actually, sweetheart,
bagels, also for closers.
4
00:00:09,242 --> 00:00:11,210
Mmm. That's not very good.
5
00:00:11,277 --> 00:00:13,302
Sugar-free vanilla creamer, also for...
6
00:00:13,380 --> 00:00:14,438
I'm sorry, I don't remember your name,
7
00:00:14,514 --> 00:00:16,106
but I think you know
what I was about to say...
8
00:00:16,182 --> 00:00:18,013
- And the word is "closers."
- Yeah.
9
00:00:18,084 --> 00:00:20,484
All right, everyone,
come and have a seat, please.
10
00:00:20,687 --> 00:00:22,746
- It's for closers.
- Yeah, we're closers, so...
11
00:00:23,390 --> 00:00:25,688
All right, everyone, we have
a very special guest today.
12
00:00:25,759 --> 00:00:27,852
Let me introduce Sigourney.
13
00:00:28,128 --> 00:00:29,891
- Thank you, Alice.
- You're welcome.
14
00:00:29,963 --> 00:00:32,454
Hi, everybody. I'm Sigourney Goulet.
15
00:00:32,532 --> 00:00:34,932
Most of you know me
as the product rep from MenCo.
16
00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:37,833
For years, we've had products such as
17
00:00:37,937 --> 00:00:41,236
men's intimacy endurance spray.
18
00:00:42,242 --> 00:00:45,700
Well, we are going to just throw
all of that in the trash...
19
00:00:47,647 --> 00:00:50,844
Because today, we're no longer MenCo.
20
00:00:51,084 --> 00:00:52,381
We are now...
21
00:00:53,987 --> 00:00:55,318
- FemCo!
- Huh?
22
00:00:55,388 --> 00:00:57,618
The future leaders
in feminine retail.
23
00:00:57,690 --> 00:00:59,487
That's right, ladies, huh?
24
00:00:59,559 --> 00:01:02,050
And the very first product
that we're gonna bring to market,
25
00:01:02,128 --> 00:01:05,029
is the Boobillow.
26
00:01:05,865 --> 00:01:09,892
The Boobillow is an ergonomic
wedge-shaped pillow
27
00:01:09,969 --> 00:01:12,130
that allows very large-breasted women
28
00:01:12,205 --> 00:01:14,833
to sleep comfortably on their stomachs.
29
00:01:15,241 --> 00:01:16,799
Yes?
30
00:01:16,876 --> 00:01:19,401
Hi, um, question, just to be clear...
31
00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:23,178
So you're telling us
we are allowed to call women
32
00:01:23,283 --> 00:01:26,548
and talk to them about their breasts?
33
00:01:27,353 --> 00:01:28,945
Well, yes.
34
00:01:29,022 --> 00:01:30,990
But when dealing with a sensitive subject...
35
00:01:31,057 --> 00:01:33,048
Cool!
36
00:01:33,126 --> 00:01:34,991
We finally get to talk titties at work.
37
00:01:35,061 --> 00:01:36,961
- All right!
- Yeah, baby!
38
00:01:37,030 --> 00:01:39,055
- Dude, I'm gonna call my dad.
- You got to. You have to.
39
00:01:39,132 --> 00:01:40,895
- Yeah, you should.
- I'm gonna try to contact my father.
40
00:01:40,900 --> 00:01:44,900
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
41
00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:46,030
I'm fresh
42
00:01:47,674 --> 00:01:49,608
You gotta, you gotta
You gotta, gotta
43
00:01:49,676 --> 00:01:51,143
Gotta be fresh
44
00:01:53,546 --> 00:01:55,013
Dudes, dudes, dudes, check it out.
45
00:01:55,081 --> 00:01:57,413
I got a girl on here who wants
to buy two Boobillows.
46
00:01:57,484 --> 00:02:00,783
One for her and one for her sister
with back issues.
47
00:02:00,854 --> 00:02:04,153
Hey, that lady's back issue
is giving me a front issue
48
00:02:04,224 --> 00:02:05,987
that's gonna require a ton of tissue.
49
00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:09,651
- I get it. Like ejaculation.
- Yeah, to clean up.
50
00:02:09,729 --> 00:02:12,027
Oh, dude, that is so funny, dude!
51
00:02:12,165 --> 00:02:15,066
Yes, um, what...
What size are your breasts?
52
00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:18,161
Are we talking kumquats or grapefruits?
53
00:02:18,771 --> 00:02:20,796
And be honest. You're on speakerphone.
54
00:02:21,107 --> 00:02:22,472
- Hello?
- Hello?
55
00:02:22,542 --> 00:02:23,907
What you working with, girl?
56
00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:25,274
Okay, I think I lost her.
57
00:02:25,345 --> 00:02:26,812
Lost another one!
58
00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:27,904
We're gonna lose many more.
59
00:02:29,015 --> 00:02:30,380
Oh, I thought it was gonna break.
60
00:02:30,450 --> 00:02:33,044
Oh, man, yesterday
was so frickin' awesome, right?
61
00:02:33,119 --> 00:02:34,552
- Yeah.
- I love my job.
62
00:02:34,621 --> 00:02:37,021
I love my life, and dare I say
I love my friends?
63
00:02:37,090 --> 00:02:38,284
Oh, man, I love you right back.
64
00:02:38,358 --> 00:02:40,792
- Dude, I got a girl's number yesterday.
- What?
65
00:02:40,860 --> 00:02:42,327
Yeah, from my list of leads.
66
00:02:42,395 --> 00:02:44,056
- But you got it.
- Yeah, and I texted it.
67
00:02:44,130 --> 00:02:45,529
And now it's just a waiting game.
68
00:02:50,603 --> 00:02:52,571
Hey, guys, over here.
69
00:02:52,639 --> 00:02:53,697
Now.
70
00:02:56,242 --> 00:02:57,732
Well...
71
00:02:58,011 --> 00:03:00,377
You guys were all terrible yesterday.
72
00:03:00,446 --> 00:03:03,472
Awkward, creepy, and with
total sales of zero.
73
00:03:03,550 --> 00:03:05,745
Luckily, all the saleswomen
in the office killed it.
74
00:03:05,818 --> 00:03:07,376
So that's why I'm transferring more women
75
00:03:07,453 --> 00:03:09,683
from other departments
to take over your call lists.
76
00:03:09,756 --> 00:03:12,623
First they take Ghostbusters,
now our phones?
77
00:03:12,692 --> 00:03:16,423
Okay, Alice, what are we
supposed to do, then, huh?
78
00:03:16,496 --> 00:03:18,964
From this point on,
all men are support staff.
79
00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:22,365
Okay, well,
she's lucky I don't have my bo staff.
80
00:03:22,435 --> 00:03:23,868
I'm sorry. What was that?
81
00:03:24,804 --> 00:03:26,499
- Nothing.
- Yeah.
82
00:03:26,839 --> 00:03:29,831
I'm sure... He was...
What you were trying to say was,
83
00:03:29,909 --> 00:03:33,367
like, if these were
guy-centric products, right,
84
00:03:33,446 --> 00:03:35,437
we'd be selling the crap out of them, Alice.
85
00:03:35,515 --> 00:03:36,846
It's just this stuff, we don't...
86
00:03:37,483 --> 00:03:39,383
- Can I have one moment?
- No.
87
00:03:39,452 --> 00:03:41,613
- Just give me one moment.
- No, don't touch me. Fine.
88
00:03:41,688 --> 00:03:43,781
- Just give me one moment.
- Ugh.
89
00:03:43,856 --> 00:03:45,915
- I just want a moment.
- We just want one moment.
90
00:03:45,992 --> 00:03:47,357
What moment are we doing?
91
00:03:47,427 --> 00:03:49,054
- We're gonna do...
- We're doing that? That's...
92
00:03:49,128 --> 00:03:50,618
Let's just pray
it's gonna be the one.
93
00:03:50,697 --> 00:03:52,460
Premature ejaculation
94
00:03:52,532 --> 00:03:56,263
is the number-one problem facing
the American penis today.
95
00:03:56,736 --> 00:03:59,466
But with the male intimacy endurance spray,
96
00:03:59,572 --> 00:04:02,097
just spritz your member four times...
97
00:04:04,444 --> 00:04:05,877
Close it down. Get underneath.
98
00:04:05,945 --> 00:04:08,846
And I guess it'll take a few seconds to
99
00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:10,439
- kick in.
- He just touched his ding-dong.
100
00:04:10,516 --> 00:04:11,574
Tick tock, tick tock.
101
00:04:11,651 --> 00:04:13,482
Adam, go ahead and kick me in the dads.
102
00:04:13,553 --> 00:04:15,919
- It's show-and-tell, baby.
- Really?
103
00:04:15,989 --> 00:04:17,547
Yeah, man, we're selling these people.
104
00:04:17,624 --> 00:04:18,886
- MenCo.
- Okay.
105
00:04:19,392 --> 00:04:22,156
Ow, you just spit your gum.
106
00:04:22,228 --> 00:04:24,196
That was awesome. That was cool.
107
00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:25,595
Another satisfied customer.
108
00:04:25,665 --> 00:04:27,155
I'd like to give it a shot.
109
00:04:30,870 --> 00:04:32,064
I'm left-handed.
110
00:04:32,138 --> 00:04:34,231
And I'm all good. I'm fine.
111
00:04:34,307 --> 00:04:35,706
Dragon Punch! Dragon Punch!
112
00:04:37,677 --> 00:04:39,702
- Whoa.
- Whoa, did you time out that ding?
113
00:04:39,779 --> 00:04:41,007
No, I think somebody got a text.
114
00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:43,048
- That was incredible!
- Put them on vibrate, please.
115
00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:44,913
Yeah, put them on vibrate.
This is a presentation.
116
00:04:44,984 --> 00:04:46,884
So do you want us to get
on the phones now or...
117
00:04:46,986 --> 00:04:48,851
No. But I am going to sleep better at night,
118
00:04:48,921 --> 00:04:50,582
knowing that you can't have children now.
119
00:04:51,324 --> 00:04:52,348
Ooh!
120
00:04:52,458 --> 00:04:54,756
Okay, Alice. Hello. Excuse me.
121
00:04:54,827 --> 00:04:57,261
I need my first cup
of coffee ever, immediately.
122
00:04:57,330 --> 00:04:59,730
Blake, you heard her.
Go get some coffee.
123
00:04:59,799 --> 00:05:01,460
Are we gonna get
those leads anytime soon?
124
00:05:01,534 --> 00:05:03,559
Go fetch, stretch. Move it.
125
00:05:03,870 --> 00:05:05,895
Okay, Alice, hey, real quick.
126
00:05:06,139 --> 00:05:08,972
I know that Jillian is on the phones now,
127
00:05:09,042 --> 00:05:10,805
so you will need a new assistant, right?
128
00:05:10,910 --> 00:05:13,003
You know what?
Fine. I will think about it.
129
00:05:13,079 --> 00:05:14,774
But for now, you're a floater.
130
00:05:15,348 --> 00:05:18,010
Ew. Was that a poop joke?
131
00:05:18,351 --> 00:05:20,285
No, of course not.
132
00:05:20,353 --> 00:05:23,516
Okay, good, 'cause just know
that I hate poop jokes.
133
00:05:24,023 --> 00:05:26,218
All right, this is working out great so far.
134
00:05:34,667 --> 00:05:36,862
Hey, gals, check out my new assistant.
135
00:05:36,936 --> 00:05:39,700
- Hi.
- Oh. Hey, uh, is it garbage day?
136
00:05:39,772 --> 00:05:43,003
'Cause, uh, it looks like someone
took the junk out of your pants.
137
00:05:44,777 --> 00:05:46,745
But, hey, peep that caboose.
138
00:05:46,813 --> 00:05:48,075
- Oh.
- Ooh.
139
00:05:48,948 --> 00:05:50,245
- Oops.
- Uh-oh.
140
00:05:50,316 --> 00:05:51,840
Whoopsy-daisy.
141
00:05:51,918 --> 00:05:53,408
Could you get it for me, Blake?
142
00:05:53,853 --> 00:05:56,447
- Of course. Of course.
- Thanks, Blake.
143
00:05:58,591 --> 00:06:01,185
Ooh. Okay, turn, so I can see.
144
00:06:02,462 --> 00:06:04,692
Turn, turn, yeah. Turn and pivot.
145
00:06:04,764 --> 00:06:07,130
- Oh, yeah.
- That's where it's at.
146
00:06:09,302 --> 00:06:10,826
- Lower.
- Excuse me?
147
00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:12,569
- Lower.
- Yeah.
148
00:06:12,972 --> 00:06:14,599
- And now in.
- In?
149
00:06:14,674 --> 00:06:17,643
Yeah. In, but down.
No, no, no, spread the legs more.
150
00:06:17,710 --> 00:06:19,837
- Spread as much as you can.
- I'm... Yeah, that's about...
151
00:06:19,912 --> 00:06:21,709
And now just...
And now just fuck it.
152
00:06:21,781 --> 00:06:23,840
- Okay.
- Now just fuck the ground.
153
00:06:23,916 --> 00:06:26,180
- Okay. Yes.
- Pop it! Pop it!
154
00:06:26,252 --> 00:06:28,743
Pop it and dip it in! In! In!
155
00:06:29,322 --> 00:06:30,846
In!
156
00:06:32,158 --> 00:06:33,523
- I'm done.
- What?
157
00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:36,828
- You can leave now.
- All right, sorry.
158
00:06:39,365 --> 00:06:41,799
Hello, ladies,
got some hot, fresh leads for you.
159
00:06:41,868 --> 00:06:43,028
- Oh, yeah, for us?
- Yeah.
160
00:06:43,102 --> 00:06:44,694
'Cause we do your job now, right?
161
00:06:44,771 --> 00:06:47,740
Anyway, if you guys ever
wanted any pointers, sisters,
162
00:06:47,807 --> 00:06:49,399
feel free to bend my ear, and...
163
00:06:49,475 --> 00:06:51,136
Oh, please enlighten us.
164
00:06:51,210 --> 00:06:52,472
Yeah, that'd be great.
165
00:06:53,079 --> 00:06:54,944
Make a... Oh, cool, yeah. I'll make a sale.
166
00:06:55,014 --> 00:06:56,345
- Oh, yeah, come on.
- Yeah, I mean...
167
00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:57,747
Yeah, I want to see that.
Let's see what you got.
168
00:06:57,817 --> 00:07:00,012
- Watch how it's done.
- We haven't been able to.
169
00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:02,384
Uh, okay, can I call Marcia?
Is that cool?
170
00:07:02,455 --> 00:07:03,922
Yeah, Marcia's next.
171
00:07:04,223 --> 00:07:05,850
I'm actually not getting a dial tone.
172
00:07:05,925 --> 00:07:07,119
- Oh.
- That's weird.
173
00:07:07,660 --> 00:07:11,619
Could be because
you're not a salesman, bitch.
174
00:07:11,697 --> 00:07:13,790
Now get!
175
00:07:15,401 --> 00:07:18,598
- You didn't even plug it in?
- No, it wasn't plugged in.
176
00:07:24,243 --> 00:07:27,110
Good afternoon, ladies!
177
00:07:27,180 --> 00:07:30,274
Chocolate for you, chocolate for you.
Sorry about the new attire.
178
00:07:30,349 --> 00:07:31,782
I spilled a little coffee on myself.
179
00:07:31,851 --> 00:07:34,319
Had to borrow a spare
from my main man, Rob.
180
00:07:34,387 --> 00:07:35,718
Ooh!
181
00:07:35,788 --> 00:07:38,313
Hey, just let me know
if you need anything from me
182
00:07:38,391 --> 00:07:40,416
using my strength or my muscles.
183
00:07:40,493 --> 00:07:43,826
- Fresh mail. Hot off the boat.
- Ugh, thank you.
184
00:07:43,896 --> 00:07:45,523
Hey, I know what you're thinking,
185
00:07:45,631 --> 00:07:49,795
"Is this guy Alice Murphy
assistant material?"
186
00:07:50,036 --> 00:07:52,834
Well, I'm about to prove to you that I would.
187
00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:56,908
Excuse me, sales angels!
188
00:07:56,976 --> 00:08:01,436
I've arranged a special beef tenderloin lunch
189
00:08:01,514 --> 00:08:05,541
that I will be serving myself
in the break room at noon.
190
00:08:05,618 --> 00:08:07,609
Who's hungry?
191
00:08:07,687 --> 00:08:09,951
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Thank you.
192
00:08:10,022 --> 00:08:11,489
Thank you very much. Thank you.
193
00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:14,987
If you feed 'em at work,
they won't take an hour for lunch.
194
00:08:15,061 --> 00:08:17,552
Oh, I never suspected you had a brain.
195
00:08:17,630 --> 00:08:20,463
I just want to use my muscles and my mind
196
00:08:20,566 --> 00:08:23,262
and open up shop right here
and be your number-one guy,
197
00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:25,497
using my muscles and my mind.
198
00:08:25,738 --> 00:08:27,399
All right, well, I'll think about it.
199
00:08:27,473 --> 00:08:30,806
But for now, let's just keep you
at my, like, number-20 guy.
200
00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:32,739
I'll live with that.
201
00:08:33,546 --> 00:08:35,810
Ah, these women, my gosh.
202
00:08:36,716 --> 00:08:38,707
Can't live with 'em, can't...
203
00:08:40,620 --> 00:08:43,145
Have sex with 'em,
'cause they don't like me.
204
00:08:46,259 --> 00:08:47,521
Whatever.
205
00:08:48,327 --> 00:08:49,453
Hey, Blake.
206
00:08:49,629 --> 00:08:51,221
Jillian? Ah.
207
00:08:51,330 --> 00:08:52,592
Keep potty-ing.
208
00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:55,758
Hey, you know what I was thinking?
209
00:08:56,702 --> 00:09:00,331
You would look so much prettier
if you wore your hair up in a bun.
210
00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:04,105
Oh, the nape of your neck is so elegant.
211
00:09:05,144 --> 00:09:06,634
You know what, Blake?
212
00:09:06,746 --> 00:09:08,338
I like a man bun...
213
00:09:08,514 --> 00:09:11,381
Up top and on bottom.
214
00:09:13,486 --> 00:09:16,683
So shake-a da wee-wee
off-a da pee-pee
215
00:09:16,989 --> 00:09:19,389
and go get me a coffee.
216
00:09:29,769 --> 00:09:30,861
She gone?
217
00:09:31,170 --> 00:09:33,138
Who's in here?
218
00:09:34,774 --> 00:09:36,571
You can't stand for that bullshit
219
00:09:36,642 --> 00:09:39,076
It's time to fight back for men's rights.
220
00:09:39,145 --> 00:09:40,976
I can't fight a woman, Bill.
221
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:42,547
She'd kick my ass.
222
00:09:42,648 --> 00:09:44,206
Well, you know what I'd do?
223
00:09:44,283 --> 00:09:47,582
Poo in a plastic bag,
flatten it out like a pancake,
224
00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:49,915
stick it in the freezer for a few hours.
225
00:09:49,989 --> 00:09:52,583
You know how those bitches always leave
their windows cracked open
226
00:09:52,658 --> 00:09:53,818
in the Rancho heat?
227
00:09:53,893 --> 00:09:57,158
You slide the poo disk
through Jillian's window,
228
00:09:57,697 --> 00:10:00,461
and when she gets into her car after work,
229
00:10:00,533 --> 00:10:03,934
she's got a poo puddle waiting for her.
230
00:10:07,406 --> 00:10:08,634
That's insane, Bill.
231
00:10:08,741 --> 00:10:11,403
I've got a poo disk
in the freezer, if you want it?
232
00:10:11,844 --> 00:10:13,004
Oh, my gosh, I thought that was
233
00:10:13,079 --> 00:10:15,274
- a Jimmy Dean breakfast sausage.
- Nope.
234
00:10:22,488 --> 00:10:24,979
Superglue for a super bitch.
235
00:10:32,498 --> 00:10:33,590
What up?
236
00:10:33,666 --> 00:10:36,294
Jillian says she needs you
to come tuck her napkin into her shirt.
237
00:10:36,736 --> 00:10:38,363
Of course, yes.
238
00:10:38,504 --> 00:10:40,699
She asked me to tidy up as well,
which I'm doing,
239
00:10:40,773 --> 00:10:43,571
and, also, I'm making
a personal call to my father.
240
00:10:45,511 --> 00:10:46,637
Okay.
241
00:10:46,979 --> 00:10:48,469
Okay, bye.
242
00:10:51,584 --> 00:10:52,778
Oh, shoot.
243
00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:55,544
Ah!
244
00:10:56,389 --> 00:10:57,913
Ow! Ow! Ow!
245
00:10:58,391 --> 00:11:00,621
Hey, buddy, a little medium raw, please.
246
00:11:00,993 --> 00:11:02,654
Loin is for closers only.
247
00:11:02,762 --> 00:11:04,389
It is. Loin's for closers.
248
00:11:04,463 --> 00:11:06,090
There you go. Enjoy the loin.
249
00:11:07,066 --> 00:11:08,124
Sorry, honey.
250
00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:09,394
Come on, man. They've all eaten.
251
00:11:09,468 --> 00:11:11,163
- There's, like, a ton of leftover loin.
- Mmm.
252
00:11:11,237 --> 00:11:14,502
In fact, there's no leftover loin. Ders...
253
00:11:14,573 --> 00:11:15,733
Know your place.
254
00:11:15,808 --> 00:11:17,469
Have you forgotten
what's it's like to make a sale?
255
00:11:17,543 --> 00:11:20,910
I don't remember anything
before putting on this apron
256
00:11:20,980 --> 00:11:23,005
and getting the attention of a lifetime.
257
00:11:24,250 --> 00:11:25,410
Good luck with that.
258
00:11:25,751 --> 00:11:27,446
- Wow.
- Bye!
259
00:11:31,957 --> 00:11:33,424
It's good to be back.
260
00:11:35,461 --> 00:11:36,621
Hello, ma'am? Hi.
261
00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:38,095
Uh, my name's Anders Holmvik,
262
00:11:38,164 --> 00:11:41,224
and I'm calling to talk to you
about your blobs. I... Sorry.
263
00:11:41,300 --> 00:11:44,394
I'm calling to talk to you
about your knock-wobbles.
264
00:11:44,470 --> 00:11:47,803
Sorry. I'm calling to talk to you
about your chest bombs, ma'am,
265
00:11:47,873 --> 00:11:50,899
I mean... I'm just calling
to talk to you about your tits.
266
00:11:50,976 --> 00:11:52,739
Hello?
267
00:11:53,212 --> 00:11:55,442
You stupid, dumb dick.
268
00:12:03,022 --> 00:12:04,216
Wait a second.
269
00:12:05,825 --> 00:12:08,555
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,
yes, yes, yes, yes.
270
00:12:08,627 --> 00:12:09,889
Just...
271
00:12:10,663 --> 00:12:13,564
You can do this.
272
00:12:15,201 --> 00:12:16,498
It's not bad, actually.
273
00:12:18,070 --> 00:12:19,162
He's insane
274
00:12:26,645 --> 00:12:29,273
Hey, gals, got a tasty bit of trivia.
275
00:12:29,348 --> 00:12:34,376
It turns out that, uh, Jillian here
has quite the embarrassing tattoo.
276
00:12:34,453 --> 00:12:36,318
No, I... No, I don't.
277
00:12:36,388 --> 00:12:38,856
- Yes.
- You have a real tattoo?
278
00:12:38,924 --> 00:12:40,983
You guys want... You want to see it?
279
00:12:41,060 --> 00:12:42,186
- Yes.
- Yeah!
280
00:12:42,261 --> 00:12:43,751
All right, fine. I'll show you. Fine.
281
00:12:43,829 --> 00:12:45,490
- I'll show it to you too, Blake...
- Oh, good.
282
00:12:45,564 --> 00:12:47,532
Since you're so interested. Ladies...
283
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,592
- Can you unzip?
- Oh, yeah.
284
00:12:49,802 --> 00:12:51,235
This ought to be real good.
285
00:12:52,371 --> 00:12:54,168
- Whoa!
- It's big.
286
00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:57,209
Jillian, that is badass.
I had no idea.
287
00:12:57,276 --> 00:12:59,210
No, it's not badass.
It's embarrassing.
288
00:12:59,311 --> 00:13:01,438
I wanted the same tat as my granddaddy,
289
00:13:01,514 --> 00:13:03,846
and I took the photo in
to show the tattoo artist,
290
00:13:03,916 --> 00:13:06,976
and he just... He messed up,
and he tattooed the whole photo.
291
00:13:07,286 --> 00:13:11,416
Polaroids are a throwback,
and that means that is dope.
292
00:13:11,490 --> 00:13:13,185
Girl, you got a throwback back.
293
00:13:13,292 --> 00:13:15,692
- You really think so?
- Yeah.
294
00:13:15,961 --> 00:13:17,724
- You guys are dope.
- You are.
295
00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:19,128
You're dope.
296
00:13:19,198 --> 00:13:20,859
- Are you serious?
- Could you zip me up?
297
00:13:21,967 --> 00:13:23,332
Thanks, sisters.
298
00:13:23,402 --> 00:13:25,427
Sister!
299
00:13:28,707 --> 00:13:30,072
Did you come at me?
300
00:13:30,976 --> 00:13:33,001
I will fudging end you.
301
00:13:33,078 --> 00:13:36,445
I will rip off your head
and fudge it down your neck.
302
00:13:37,416 --> 00:13:39,941
Okay, all right, all right.
All right, sorry.
303
00:13:50,229 --> 00:13:52,459
Hello, hi, yes, uh, Mrs. Wilson?
304
00:13:52,531 --> 00:13:55,261
How are you? My name's Anders Holmvik,
305
00:13:56,302 --> 00:13:58,862
and I'm calling to tell you how
the Boobillow breast pillow rest
306
00:13:58,938 --> 00:14:00,530
is going to change your life.
307
00:14:02,474 --> 00:14:03,736
I made a sale.
308
00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:05,743
Phyllis Wilson, 34F.
309
00:14:05,811 --> 00:14:09,872
But I neutralized my sexuality,
so I don't care.
310
00:14:10,015 --> 00:14:11,141
Is this true, Jillian?
311
00:14:11,217 --> 00:14:13,549
- Um, Phyllis Wilson, you said?
- That's right.
312
00:14:13,619 --> 00:14:16,383
Um, no, I made that sale this morning.
313
00:14:16,622 --> 00:14:18,055
- He's a liar.
- No, I'm not.
314
00:14:18,123 --> 00:14:20,990
I'm not lying, okay?
I have nothing to lie about.
315
00:14:21,227 --> 00:14:23,821
Yeah, I, like, almost cared
for two seconds.
316
00:14:23,929 --> 00:14:25,396
- Right?
- No, no.
317
00:14:25,464 --> 00:14:26,988
But I sprayed the stuff,
so I can't feel a thing.
318
00:14:27,066 --> 00:14:28,226
Did you feel that?
319
00:14:29,435 --> 00:14:31,198
No. Not down there.
320
00:14:32,271 --> 00:14:33,329
But, yeah.
321
00:14:33,772 --> 00:14:34,966
Yeah, up here.
322
00:14:35,474 --> 00:14:37,567
One! Two!
323
00:14:38,043 --> 00:14:41,535
Three! Four! Five!
324
00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:43,443
Oh!
325
00:14:44,049 --> 00:14:46,483
I cramped up there.
326
00:14:46,652 --> 00:14:49,587
Very good, Adam.
That's very strong.
327
00:14:49,655 --> 00:14:52,089
- Very strong. Thank you.
- All right, listen up, everybody.
328
00:14:52,157 --> 00:14:55,456
Sales of the Boobillow have been so amazing
329
00:14:55,527 --> 00:14:58,758
that I just signed a contract with FemCo
330
00:14:58,831 --> 00:15:01,732
to sell their products exclusively.
331
00:15:01,934 --> 00:15:06,268
Which means these kick-ass
office changes are permanent!
332
00:15:06,605 --> 00:15:08,732
Oh, my God!
333
00:15:08,807 --> 00:15:11,173
Oh, my God!
334
00:15:11,477 --> 00:15:13,035
- Hey, psst.
- Jesus.
335
00:15:13,512 --> 00:15:14,740
Come on in here. Go.
336
00:15:14,813 --> 00:15:17,111
- He's coming. He's coming.
- I know. Okay.
337
00:15:17,349 --> 00:15:18,839
These women have
to be stopped, all right?
338
00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:20,351
- I can't take this anymore.
- It's true, man.
339
00:15:20,419 --> 00:15:22,080
Jillian is a monster.
340
00:15:22,154 --> 00:15:25,317
Mere seconds ago, she told me
she wanted to butt-fudge me
341
00:15:25,391 --> 00:15:27,450
in the mouth or something.
I don't know.
342
00:15:27,526 --> 00:15:29,858
Ow! Ow, my eyes! They hurt!
343
00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:33,126
They hurt from how ugly you are
when you complain.
344
00:15:33,565 --> 00:15:36,591
This is, like, an amazing time to be a man.
345
00:15:36,902 --> 00:15:41,464
Finally we get oogled and ogled
and... And get sexualized.
346
00:15:41,573 --> 00:15:43,268
I mean, he did always love that.
347
00:15:43,609 --> 00:15:45,008
Yeah, but he also loved sales.
348
00:15:45,311 --> 00:15:47,506
Guys, women rule the world,
349
00:15:47,913 --> 00:15:50,404
and it's time that we accept that.
350
00:15:50,482 --> 00:15:52,279
Let's be on the right side of histor-she.
351
00:15:52,384 --> 00:15:53,510
- No.
- What did you just say?
352
00:15:53,953 --> 00:15:56,114
- Histor-she.
- No, no, no, no, no.
353
00:15:56,188 --> 00:15:57,450
That is not the word.
354
00:15:57,589 --> 00:15:59,147
- It is his-story.
- Adam...
355
00:15:59,458 --> 00:16:01,221
Miss Murphy, I got you
356
00:16:01,293 --> 00:16:06,424
a warm, steaming travel mug
of Darjeeling Limited Edition Tazo tea.
357
00:16:06,498 --> 00:16:08,398
Yeah, you can just
put that down anywhere, Adam.
358
00:16:10,469 --> 00:16:12,494
What's going on here?
Is he assaulting you?
359
00:16:12,571 --> 00:16:14,903
Do I need to frickin' throw down right now?
360
00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:16,371
Is that what I need to do?
361
00:16:16,442 --> 00:16:19,434
Okay, cut it out, Adam.
Gil is my new assistant.
362
00:16:25,184 --> 00:16:27,414
What kind of massaging
are you even doing, Gil?
363
00:16:27,486 --> 00:16:29,818
You don't even know massaging.
What kind of massaging is that?
364
00:16:30,356 --> 00:16:31,380
Foot.
365
00:16:32,091 --> 00:16:33,251
That makes sense.
366
00:16:33,359 --> 00:16:34,917
I thought I was your number one.
367
00:16:35,060 --> 00:16:37,324
Yeah, well, right now
you're acting like a number two.
368
00:16:40,733 --> 00:16:42,098
Was that a poop joke?
369
00:16:43,435 --> 00:16:44,766
Yep.
370
00:16:49,975 --> 00:16:51,340
Mmm!
371
00:16:56,448 --> 00:16:57,779
I got to say something.
372
00:16:58,484 --> 00:16:59,951
- Yeah, yeah.
- No, do it.
373
00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:02,146
- Say it.
- Ahem! Ahem!
374
00:17:02,221 --> 00:17:04,985
I wanted to just say something
to the women of this office,
375
00:17:05,057 --> 00:17:09,551
and that is that I think things
need to change, if that's okay.
376
00:17:09,728 --> 00:17:12,697
No, no, no, he's right.
377
00:17:12,765 --> 00:17:16,030
Because the way you are
treating us is like used meat,
378
00:17:16,268 --> 00:17:18,930
and we're not meat,
we're men, with feelings.
379
00:17:19,204 --> 00:17:20,501
Treat us thusly.
380
00:17:20,939 --> 00:17:22,099
Whoops.
381
00:17:23,242 --> 00:17:25,142
Oh, I dropped my popcorn.
382
00:17:25,210 --> 00:17:27,405
I guess you guys are gonna
have to come pick it up.
383
00:17:27,513 --> 00:17:29,845
- Yeah, whoo!
- Pick it all up.
384
00:17:32,551 --> 00:17:34,143
It's not gonna do it itself.
385
00:17:34,286 --> 00:17:35,685
Oh, missed a spot.
386
00:17:36,021 --> 00:17:37,386
We haven't even started, Jillian.
387
00:17:37,456 --> 00:17:41,756
Oh, hey, would it be easier
if you took your tops off?
388
00:17:44,029 --> 00:17:46,190
Show me your titties!
389
00:17:47,699 --> 00:17:49,758
Unbutton your buttons!
390
00:17:49,835 --> 00:17:52,235
Unbutton your buttons!
Unbutton your buttons!
391
00:17:52,304 --> 00:17:54,272
Unbutton your buttons!
Unbutton your buttons!
392
00:17:54,339 --> 00:17:56,466
Stand up! Cover yourselves!
393
00:17:57,009 --> 00:17:58,033
Adam.
394
00:17:58,710 --> 00:17:59,768
Adam.
395
00:17:59,845 --> 00:18:02,211
What is wrong with you women?
396
00:18:02,548 --> 00:18:06,712
For days, we've been held down
by the matriarchy...
397
00:18:07,219 --> 00:18:08,811
Which is a word I recently looked up,
398
00:18:08,887 --> 00:18:11,355
and it means when women control things.
399
00:18:11,757 --> 00:18:13,622
We are not gonna stand by
400
00:18:14,226 --> 00:18:16,319
and be harassed and controlled by you,
401
00:18:17,596 --> 00:18:20,861
'cause men are invaluable,
402
00:18:21,366 --> 00:18:23,300
and we should be treated as such.
403
00:18:27,339 --> 00:18:30,206
No! No! That wasn't...
I'm not a piece of meat!
404
00:18:30,709 --> 00:18:32,108
I'm not a piece of meat!
405
00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:35,674
Just as women,
406
00:18:36,648 --> 00:18:39,515
burned bras in the '70s to be hot,
407
00:18:40,285 --> 00:18:43,812
I shall burn this Boobillow for men's rights!
408
00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:46,557
To infinity and beyond!
409
00:18:46,625 --> 00:18:48,718
Men rule. Men... Whoa!
410
00:18:57,603 --> 00:18:59,264
Fire! Watch it!
411
00:19:01,874 --> 00:19:03,034
Where's Sigourney?
412
00:19:03,108 --> 00:19:05,201
- Oh, she's still in there!
- Oh, my God, where's Sigourney?
413
00:19:05,277 --> 00:19:07,177
All right, women,
shut up and stand back.
414
00:19:07,479 --> 00:19:09,947
Heroism is man business.
415
00:19:10,015 --> 00:19:14,884
That's right. Shut up and stand... Stand back
and... And grab on to your tampon string.
416
00:19:14,953 --> 00:19:18,184
Yeah, everybody shut up,
'cause the men are about to... Save the day.
417
00:19:18,257 --> 00:19:19,519
- Yeah. Here we go.
- Save the day.
418
00:19:19,591 --> 00:19:21,320
- That's what we're gonna do.
- All right, save the day!
419
00:19:21,393 --> 00:19:23,020
- Men doing men stuff!
- We got this.
420
00:19:24,396 --> 00:19:25,590
- All right.
- Whoa!
421
00:19:27,266 --> 00:19:28,563
Be careful.
422
00:19:29,034 --> 00:19:30,365
Everyone's out.
423
00:19:31,470 --> 00:19:32,903
Everyone's safe.
424
00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:34,529
- Guys?
- Sigourney?
425
00:19:34,673 --> 00:19:36,504
Help!
426
00:19:43,649 --> 00:19:46,914
- Oh, thank God!
- My beautiful boys are in there! Save them!
427
00:19:57,829 --> 00:19:59,763
- Okay.
- We're okay.
428
00:19:59,831 --> 00:20:02,265
We're gonna be okay.
We're gonna be okay.
429
00:20:02,334 --> 00:20:03,631
I'm good.
430
00:20:03,702 --> 00:20:05,192
You want to know why we're okay?
431
00:20:05,270 --> 00:20:07,795
Because we were saved by some guys.
432
00:20:07,873 --> 00:20:10,808
Yeah, some real manly male firemen.
433
00:20:10,876 --> 00:20:12,366
- That's right.
- Men!
434
00:20:12,477 --> 00:20:13,569
Yep.
435
00:20:14,112 --> 00:20:16,546
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
436
00:20:19,184 --> 00:20:21,118
- Yes!
- Okay, a dude!
437
00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:22,878
- All right buddy.
- That's what I'm talking about.
438
00:20:22,955 --> 00:20:25,617
- Thanks, man. Take care.
- Good stuff, good stuff.
439
00:20:25,691 --> 00:20:29,684
Well, everyone, I would
love to be able to fire Adam
440
00:20:29,761 --> 00:20:31,558
for setting the office on fire,
441
00:20:31,630 --> 00:20:35,122
but, unfortunately,
FemCo is taking full responsibility
442
00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:37,828
because the Boobillows
were so highly flammable.
443
00:20:37,936 --> 00:20:40,962
- Whoo!
- Everyone will resume their normal jobs.
444
00:20:41,406 --> 00:20:42,532
Thanks, fuck-tard.
445
00:20:42,608 --> 00:20:44,132
You're welcome. I'm here to help.
446
00:20:44,209 --> 00:20:46,507
Whoa, heads up. Coffee's for closers.
447
00:20:46,979 --> 00:20:49,004
Actually, I quit coffee.
448
00:20:49,181 --> 00:20:51,672
I mean, sure, the caffeine
turned me into a sales beast
449
00:20:51,750 --> 00:20:54,184
that made me enough money
to fix my back tat, but...
450
00:20:54,253 --> 00:20:55,914
I sure will miss that cubicle, though.
451
00:20:55,988 --> 00:20:57,615
Yeah.
452
00:21:01,093 --> 00:21:02,458
Nice.
453
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:27,000
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll