1
00:00:01,164 --> 00:00:02,976
Strippers do nothing for me.

2
00:00:03,047 --> 00:00:04,437
I like a strong,

3
00:00:04,500 --> 00:00:07,859
salt-of-the-earth, self-possessed 
woman at the top of her field--

4
00:00:07,977 --> 00:00:10,476
--your Steffi Graffs, 
your Sheryl Swoopeses.

5
00:00:10,963 --> 00:00:13,775
But, I will take a free breakfast buffet

6
00:00:13,909 --> 00:00:16,156
anytime, any place.

7
00:00:25,798 --> 00:00:26,806
Bacon-wrapped shrimp.

8
00:00:26,901 --> 00:00:28,262
Oh thanks, I'm okay.

9
00:00:28,376 --> 00:00:29,407
I wasn't offering.

10
00:00:29,486 --> 00:00:32,604
This hotel always serves 
bacon-wrapped shrimp.

11
00:00:32,823 --> 00:00:36,534
It's my number 1 favorite food wrapped 
around my number 3 favorite food.

12
00:00:36,652 --> 00:00:39,385
I'd go to a banquet in honor 
of those Somali pirates

13
00:00:39,463 --> 00:00:40,986
if they served bacon wrapped shrimp.

14
00:00:41,206 --> 00:00:41,987
Excuse me.

15
00:00:42,136 --> 00:00:43,042
What are you eating ?

16
00:00:43,222 --> 00:00:45,127
I call this:
"Turf'n'turf"!

17
00:00:45,323 --> 00:00:48,635
It’s a 16 ounce t-bone 
and a 24 ounce porterhouse.

18
00:00:48,784 --> 00:00:51,596
Also, whisky, and a cigar.

19
00:00:51,761 --> 00:00:54,190
I'm gonna consume all of this
at the same time

20
00:00:54,308 --> 00:00:56,120
because I am a free American.

21
00:00:56,183 --> 00:00:57,544
Indianapolis is home

22
00:00:57,675 --> 00:01:00,237
to Charles Mulligan's steak house,

23
00:01:00,409 --> 00:01:02,729
the best damn steak house
in the damn state.

24
00:01:02,839 --> 00:01:05,128
They just forgot to unlock 
the door, that's all.

25
00:01:06,378 --> 00:01:07,875
I have taken a picture

26
00:01:08,058 --> 00:01:09,747
of every steak I have ever eaten there.

27
00:01:09,902 --> 00:01:11,222
June 2004:

28
00:01:11,324 --> 00:01:14,824
Porterhouse, medium rare, 
Bearnaise sauce.

29
00:01:16,739 --> 00:01:17,864
Ron stop it! Ron!

30
00:01:17,964 --> 00:01:21,114
January 2000: 
They call this one, The Enforcer.

31
00:01:21,239 --> 00:01:25,457
They just boarded her up 
like she was some common warehouse.

32
00:01:27,421 --> 00:01:28,710
I should have been here.

33
00:01:28,984 --> 00:01:34,452
February '96: The steak ribeye. 
The Whiskey: Lagavulin 16.

34
00:01:34,562 --> 00:01:37,640
What happened to the steaks that
were in there when they closed?

35
00:01:39,296 --> 00:01:40,616
Do you think they got eaten?

36
00:01:40,725 --> 00:01:42,866
This is the first time 
I ever went there.

37
00:01:43,780 --> 00:01:44,528
Look at me.

38
00:01:44,945 --> 00:01:45,693
Just a kid.

39
00:01:46,866 --> 00:01:49,788
Fish, for sport only, not for meat.

40
00:01:49,898 --> 00:01:51,889
Fish meat is practically a vegetable.

41
00:01:52,046 --> 00:01:55,053
Red meat can cause sluggishness, 
heart disease, even impotence.

42
00:01:55,442 --> 00:01:56,975
Has the opposite effect on me.

43
00:01:57,093 --> 00:01:58,460
Ron, would you like some salad?

44
00:01:59,171 --> 00:02:01,764
Since I am not a rabbit, no, 
I do not.

45
00:02:01,874 --> 00:02:03,046
Try it! Salad's good for you.

46
00:02:03,202 --> 00:02:03,950
You got it!

47
00:02:04,695 --> 00:02:06,561
Mmmmmh! Delicious!

48
00:02:06,695 --> 00:02:08,617
Would you like to sample 
our vegan bacon?

49
00:02:08,797 --> 00:02:10,398
100% meatless.

50
00:02:10,617 --> 00:02:11,679
Yes please.

51
00:02:15,344 --> 00:02:16,710
Sir, is there a problem?

52
00:02:16,844 --> 00:02:19,757
I'm just making sure no one
ever has to eat this.

53
00:02:19,836 --> 00:02:22,593
What if I told you that I could make
a turkey burger

54
00:02:22,695 --> 00:02:25,992
that tastes better than any other
burger you've ever had?

55
00:02:26,094 --> 00:02:27,281
Challenge accepted.

56
00:02:27,336 --> 00:02:29,679
Cook off later today in the courtyard.

57
00:02:29,781 --> 00:02:32,742
If I win, hamburgers remain 
in the commissary.

58
00:02:32,836 --> 00:02:34,007
What do I get if I win?

59
00:02:34,233 --> 00:02:35,749
The rarest jewel of all--

60
00:02:36,406 --> 00:02:38,851
Victory over me, Ron Swanson.

61
00:02:39,406 --> 00:02:41,859
 I humbly place before you 
my east meets west

62
00:02:42,008 --> 00:02:43,445
patented Traeger turkey burger--

63
00:02:43,625 --> 00:02:47,484
An Asian fusion burger made 
with Willow Farms organic turkey,

64
00:02:47,585 --> 00:02:51,867
a toasted tallegio-cheese crisp, 
papaya chutney, black truffle aioli,

65
00:02:51,976 --> 00:02:54,679
and micro-greens 
on a gluten-free brioche bun.

66
00:02:54,781 --> 00:02:55,445
Enjoy.

67
00:02:56,927 --> 00:03:00,465
This tastes as delicious 
as Beyonce smells. I'm guessing.

68
00:03:00,539 --> 00:03:01,355
Here's mine.

69
00:03:01,992 --> 00:03:06,210
It's a hamburger made out of meat 
on a bun with nothing.

70
00:03:07,430 --> 00:03:10,327
Ron, I thought that you and I 
were gonna have a real challenge.

71
00:03:10,547 --> 00:03:11,773
Nevermind this is better.

72
00:03:11,903 --> 00:03:12,616
Way better.

73
00:03:12,695 --> 00:03:14,702
Oh my God it's so much 
better it's crazy.

74
00:03:15,047 --> 00:03:17,843
Turkey can never beat cow, Chris.
Sorry.

75
00:03:23,223 --> 00:03:24,243
This is better.

76
00:03:24,765 --> 00:03:25,632
Jerkey?

77
00:03:25,914 --> 00:03:27,468
Call off the dogs.

78
00:03:31,109 --> 00:03:32,734
Where are they going with the food?

79
00:03:32,809 --> 00:03:34,773
I'm starving. I only had one breakfast.

80
00:03:34,906 --> 00:03:35,858
I am starving.

81
00:03:36,013 --> 00:03:37,640
I haven't had lunch since yesterday,

82
00:03:37,750 --> 00:03:39,257
so I'm gonna head over to Callahan's.

83
00:03:39,351 --> 00:03:40,835
Let me go to Big Head Joe's for you.

84
00:03:41,031 --> 00:03:42,255
They have the most

85
00:03:42,336 --> 00:03:43,424
insane burritos.

86
00:03:43,700 --> 00:03:45,877
I don't much go for ethnic food.

87
00:03:45,961 --> 00:03:48,734
Trust me. They have one that's called
the Meat Tornado.

88
00:03:49,445 --> 00:03:51,320
Litterally killed a guy last year.

89
00:03:51,648 --> 00:03:53,621
You had me at "Meat Tornado".

90
00:03:54,883 --> 00:03:55,631
I'm hungry.

91
00:03:56,461 --> 00:03:58,460
Okay well, don't be such a baby,

92
00:03:58,552 --> 00:04:00,492
I cooked you some bacon 
for a trail snack.

93
00:04:00,594 --> 00:04:01,570
I ate it already.

94
00:04:01,664 --> 00:04:02,351
What?

95
00:04:02,445 --> 00:04:05,140
I could smell it in your purse
before I even parked my car.

96
00:04:05,249 --> 00:04:07,593
And now it's gone, 
and I hate everything.

97
00:04:09,719 --> 00:04:11,828
How many courses will there be?

98
00:04:12,273 --> 00:04:12,913
Three.

99
00:04:13,055 --> 00:04:13,812
Mmmmh?

100
00:04:13,969 --> 00:04:14,702
Four.

101
00:04:14,930 --> 00:04:16,656
- Mmmmh.
- Not including dessert.

102
00:04:16,797 --> 00:04:20,624
If I wanted to bring 
a large number of deviled eggs,

103
00:04:20,687 --> 00:04:23,195
but I didn't want 
to share them with anyone else,

104
00:04:23,523 --> 00:04:25,632
can you guarantee fridge space?

105
00:04:25,729 --> 00:04:26,613
Leslie Knope!

106
00:04:26,776 --> 00:04:29,502
I believe you've arranged 
accommodations for these?

107
00:04:29,581 --> 00:04:30,291
Yes, I have.

108
00:04:30,378 --> 00:04:32,260
Is that bacon on your turkey leg?

109
00:04:32,354 --> 00:04:33,919
They call it a Swanson.

110
00:04:35,713 --> 00:04:37,471
Dinner is served.

111
00:04:38,313 --> 00:04:38,993
Excellent.

112
00:04:40,641 --> 00:04:42,229
Are these peppers for consuming?

113
00:04:42,346 --> 00:04:44,041
Huh... I wouldn't.
They're really hot.

114
00:04:44,565 --> 00:04:45,900
I'm gonna give it a try.

115
00:04:47,955 --> 00:04:49,179
You're very brave.

116
00:04:49,830 --> 00:04:51,580
Please. That was one of the tiny ones.

117
00:04:52,008 --> 00:04:53,971
This is how you eat it!

118
00:04:54,057 --> 00:04:55,361
Don't do that, son.

119
00:05:01,596 --> 00:05:02,299
Ron?

120
00:05:02,659 --> 00:05:04,713
What in the devil's name is this?

121
00:05:04,792 --> 00:05:05,947
Portabello mushrooms.

122
00:05:06,034 --> 00:05:06,971
Where is the steak?

123
00:05:07,064 --> 00:05:09,072
Well, there’s no steak. 
That’s a healthier option.

124
00:05:09,159 --> 00:05:10,440
It’s organically grown.

125
00:05:13,768 --> 00:05:14,455
You okay?

126
00:05:15,659 --> 00:05:17,822
Could you get us a cold compress
or something?

127
00:05:17,909 --> 00:05:21,205
This isn't a steak. Why would you call
it that on your menu?

128
00:05:21,307 --> 00:05:23,072
I don't know what to tell you man.

129
00:05:25,971 --> 00:05:28,799
Just give me all the bacon 
and eggs you have.

130
00:05:29,331 --> 00:05:30,557
Wait, wait.

131
00:05:30,667 --> 00:05:32,643
I worry what you just heard was:

132
00:05:32,745 --> 00:05:34,643
"Give me a lot of bacon and eggs".

133
00:05:34,792 --> 00:05:35,880
What I said was:

134
00:05:36,471 --> 00:05:40,088
"Give me all the bacon 
and eggs you have".

135
00:05:40,798 --> 00:05:42,022
Do you understand?

136
00:05:44,814 --> 00:05:46,107
This is your lunch.

137
00:05:48,642 --> 00:05:51,141
You should be able to do whatever
you want to with this, right?

138
00:05:51,391 --> 00:05:53,126
Do you want to eat all of it?
Great!

139
00:05:53,251 --> 00:05:56,352
If you want to throw it away
in the garbage, that's your prerogative.

140
00:05:56,720 --> 00:05:57,808
But here I come.

141
00:05:58,017 --> 00:05:59,173
The government.

142
00:06:03,376 --> 00:06:05,985
And I get to take 40% of your lunch.

143
00:06:08,681 --> 00:06:11,227
And that, Lauren, is how taxes work.

144
00:06:11,939 --> 00:06:14,696
No, I don't plan to buy anything here.

145
00:06:14,866 --> 00:06:18,399
I came here for the same reason 
people go to the zoo.

146
00:06:21,251 --> 00:06:22,407
Look at that guy.

147
00:06:24,587 --> 00:06:26,563
I love Food And Stuff.

148
00:06:27,212 --> 00:06:29,259
It's where I buy all of my food.

149
00:06:29,931 --> 00:06:31,360
And most of my stuff.

150
00:06:35,103 --> 00:06:36,055
Anything else?

151
00:06:36,267 --> 00:06:38,751
Nope. Just the crows and the beef.

152
00:06:39,069 --> 00:06:40,362
Happy birthday Ron.

153
00:06:55,867 --> 00:06:57,908
Sync and corrected by LeRalouf