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00:00:01,649 --> 00:00:03,529
BILL: You really think
Jack can handle this case?
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00:00:03,585 --> 00:00:05,017
CHARLIE: Yeah, he's a lawyer.
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00:00:05,086 --> 00:00:06,252
FRANK: Besides, Bill, you're broke.
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00:00:06,321 --> 00:00:07,721
He's the best lawyer
you can afford.
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00:00:07,789 --> 00:00:09,222
Yeah, Bill, you got to relax,
okay? Uncle Jack
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00:00:09,290 --> 00:00:11,858
and I-- we got this case.
Now-now, listen to me.
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00:00:11,926 --> 00:00:13,593
Liam McPoyle's gonna
come at you hard, all right?
8
00:00:13,661 --> 00:00:15,728
But-but I've done my research.
I got something with this
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00:00:15,797 --> 00:00:17,096
bird theory, it's gonna
blow the court away. I-I...
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00:00:17,165 --> 00:00:18,564
I don't... I don't think
we should pursue
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00:00:18,633 --> 00:00:20,032
this bird nonsense, Charlie.
Yes.
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00:00:20,101 --> 00:00:21,667
I-I'm well-versed in bird law.
Look,
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00:00:21,719 --> 00:00:24,103
Pondy, keep your
eye on the prize.
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This goes well, it's party time.
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What is that?
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00:00:27,775 --> 00:00:29,508
Is that... is that drugs, Frank?
Yeah.
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No, dude, I need you
keeping him clean,
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00:00:30,879 --> 00:00:31,994
all right?
That's why you're here.
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I got to have the drugs here
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to keep him clean.
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00:00:34,015 --> 00:00:35,215
Well, that doesn't make sense.
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I... Get rid
of the drugs, Frank.
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I-I don't want that.
Hey, boys.
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You ready for the big show?
Yes, good, how you feeling?
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You good, you do your homework, you
know your talking points? Yeah.
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Yeah, I'm good.
Yeah, cool as a cucumber.
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You can... you can get off my back.
Well, don't sass me,
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I just... It was just a general
Well, then don't hound me.
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question, Dee. I'm just saying
if you don't want sass,
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then you should probably stop being
a hound. All right, whatever.
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Mac, why are you here?
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00:00:52,767 --> 00:00:55,301
This is your big day, dude.
McPoyle suing Ponderosa?
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It's huge, it's like the
trial of the century.
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Come on, man, everybody's got
a thing. Don't leave me out.
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Frank's got a thing, Dee's got a
thing. Dennis has got a thing.
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Dennis has a thing--
what are you talking about?
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00:01:04,045 --> 00:01:06,913
Oh!
D... What are you doing here?
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There's got to be a way
to get this court
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00:01:08,216 --> 00:01:09,682
to let me out
of my alimony payments.
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I mean, you guys seen Maureen?
The woman has gone
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almost full cat.
It's-it's madness.
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I shouldn't have
to pay for that,
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so I'm gonna talk to the judge,
get him to throw it
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on the docket,
you know what I mean?
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No, absolutely not.
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That's gonna distract
from my case.
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Buddy, you don't
have a case, okay?
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You are not a lawyer.
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Uncle Jack's just
got you here handling
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his papers for him
'cause he can't do it
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'cause he's wearing
those goddamn...
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big hands over his hands.
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I don't know what that is. What is that?
I don't know what it is.
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All right, well, either way,
this whole thing's gonna be
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a goddamn fiasco, and I'm gonna
enjoy every second of it.
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No, it's gonna go fine.
No, it isn't.
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No, it's gonna be fine.
This is hardly the trial
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of the century. Everything's
gonna go just great.
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Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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On a scale of one to ten,
how much sass
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are you gonna give me today?
A-Are you serious?
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And hello to... you all.
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What's the Jew lawyer
doing here?
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Not Jewish, and even if I was,
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what difference would it make?
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I meant that as a compliment.
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Everybody knows
Jews are the best lawyers.
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I can't wait
to crush you people.
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I'll be representing
Liam McPoyle today.
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Where is Liam? Well, he
actually got pinkeye
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in his one good eye.
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Well, in truth, someone
named Doc McPoyle
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attempted to put some sort of
healing milk in his pinkeye
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00:02:37,079 --> 00:02:38,839
and it got infected,
but that doesn't matter.
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The point is...
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you'll be dealing with me today.
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00:02:42,868 --> 00:02:44,801
And you'll be dealing
with me today.
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Jack Kelly, lawyer.
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Good to see you again.
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00:02:48,774 --> 00:02:50,574
Are those fake hands?
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00:02:50,642 --> 00:02:53,443
No.
Are those fake hands?
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You know what, good luck
with all of that today.
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00:02:56,448 --> 00:02:58,198
(sighs)
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00:03:00,602 --> 00:03:02,619
Did you see his hands?
They're beautiful.
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00:03:02,688 --> 00:03:04,528
I think we should settle.
What... Jesus Christ.
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00:03:04,590 --> 00:03:06,656
I'm going to prison.
It's gonna be fine.
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00:03:06,725 --> 00:03:08,258
67th District Court
is now in session.
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Judge Clarence Melvoy presiding.
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Please remove your hats and
turn off your cell phones.
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00:03:12,531 --> 00:03:16,099
Okay. We have
McPoyle v. Ponderosa.
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00:03:16,168 --> 00:03:18,685
Seeking damages for the loss
of an eye in the form
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00:03:18,770 --> 00:03:21,371
of a one-time payment
to the sum of...
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$200.
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00:03:23,809 --> 00:03:25,141
Are the plaintiffs present?
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I will be representing
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the plaintiffs, Your Honor.
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The defendants?
Uh, yes, Your Honor.
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00:03:29,748 --> 00:03:32,716
And I just, uh, wanted to say
I'm very excited
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00:03:32,784 --> 00:03:34,951
to be here.
I do estate law,
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00:03:35,037 --> 00:03:36,970
and this is my first
actual trial.
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00:03:37,055 --> 00:03:39,990
Uh, Your Honor, and if I may,
uh, Charlie Kelly, cocounsel.
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00:03:40,042 --> 00:03:42,125
Uh, background
in bird law, uh...
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Nephew. Yeah. But excited to
be, uh, in the people's court
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a-and a big fan
of black judges,
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too.
Stop touching me.
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Okay. Look.
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All I need are the facts
to this case.
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I have a very long
day ahead of me,
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00:03:55,374 --> 00:03:58,775
so I'm gonna need
to keep this thing moving.
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00:03:58,844 --> 00:04:00,677
Are you gonna bang the, uh...
Yeah, yeah.
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00:04:00,746 --> 00:04:03,113
the-the hammer?
Do we... Is there a...
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00:04:03,148 --> 00:04:05,682
Okay, we good?
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00:04:05,717 --> 00:04:07,050
Hey. (chuckles) Okay. Cool.
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00:04:07,119 --> 00:04:08,234
Awesome.
Yeah.
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00:04:08,320 --> 00:04:09,819
It's cool, right?
Yeah, nice.
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00:04:09,888 --> 00:04:12,022
LAWYER: Your Honor,
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00:04:12,074 --> 00:04:15,258
Friday the 13th
was a night of chaos.
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Milk,
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00:04:16,745 --> 00:04:19,162
spiked with bath salts
by this man,
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00:04:19,231 --> 00:04:21,364
Bill Ponderosa,
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00:04:21,433 --> 00:04:23,566
was served
to the wedding guests.
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00:04:23,652 --> 00:04:26,202
Now, my client is odd.
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00:04:26,254 --> 00:04:28,822
You might even
refer to his family as...
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...very creepy.
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00:04:32,728 --> 00:04:34,577
But they are saints compared
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00:04:34,663 --> 00:04:36,262
to Bill Ponderosa
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00:04:36,348 --> 00:04:38,615
and the sordid lot
of degenerates
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00:04:38,684 --> 00:04:40,450
he associates with.
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00:04:40,485 --> 00:04:43,320
Terrible people who ruin lives.
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00:04:43,355 --> 00:04:45,822
Ruined mine,
cost my client his marriage,
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00:04:45,907 --> 00:04:48,692
ruined my first,
now my second one is teetering.
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00:04:49,795 --> 00:04:51,344
You know what...
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00:04:51,430 --> 00:04:52,896
I'm gonna sit down.
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00:04:52,948 --> 00:04:54,331
I'm done.
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00:04:54,399 --> 00:04:56,967
They just do this to me, okay?
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00:04:57,035 --> 00:04:59,035
You get the point.
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00:04:59,104 --> 00:05:00,754
UNCLE JACK:
Uh, Your Honor, I'll-I'll, uh,
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00:05:00,839 --> 00:05:02,055
I'll keep it brief.
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00:05:02,140 --> 00:05:04,708
I just have three things to say.
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00:05:04,776 --> 00:05:07,444
Uh, one:
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00:05:07,529 --> 00:05:11,014
Liam McPoyle
has a history of lying.
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00:05:11,083 --> 00:05:13,516
Two: My client
is a loving
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00:05:13,568 --> 00:05:16,019
family man.
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00:05:16,088 --> 00:05:18,121
And three:
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00:05:18,190 --> 00:05:20,256
He is innocent.
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00:05:24,029 --> 00:05:25,895
Deandra Reynolds,
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00:05:25,947 --> 00:05:28,331
you were the one that
told the police that Bill had
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00:05:28,383 --> 00:05:30,900
spiked the punch with bath salts.
That's correct.
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00:05:30,952 --> 00:05:32,902
But you didn't actually
see him do it, did you?
150
00:05:32,971 --> 00:05:35,672
No, I did not.
So is it possible that,
151
00:05:35,724 --> 00:05:38,708
given the traumatic nature
of the evening,
152
00:05:38,794 --> 00:05:40,844
that you don't
remember the evening
153
00:05:40,912 --> 00:05:42,846
all that well?
Yes, that's correct.
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00:05:42,881 --> 00:05:44,731
My car was destroyed and I
was locked into a freezer.
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00:05:44,816 --> 00:05:46,332
My memory was clouded by rage,
156
00:05:46,418 --> 00:05:48,101
and so I misremembered
the incident.
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00:05:48,186 --> 00:05:51,588
An understandable mistake.
Could happen to any one of us.
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00:05:51,656 --> 00:05:54,257
For example,
you remember me, possibly,
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00:05:54,292 --> 00:05:56,393
as a man with small hands.
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00:05:56,461 --> 00:05:58,161
Yeah, you think...
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00:05:58,213 --> 00:05:59,963
What... you think, "He
had small hands."
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00:06:00,032 --> 00:06:01,032
Do you remember that?
163
00:06:01,083 --> 00:06:02,165
Yeah, sure, okay.
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00:06:02,217 --> 00:06:04,601
What you remember is false.
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00:06:04,686 --> 00:06:05,568
O-Okay.
Yup.
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00:06:05,654 --> 00:06:07,504
Big, masculine.
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00:06:07,572 --> 00:06:09,873
My hands tell a story
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00:06:09,941 --> 00:06:11,925
of greatness.
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00:06:12,010 --> 00:06:14,177
- And when you look at my right hand...
MELVOY: I'm gonna st...
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00:06:14,246 --> 00:06:15,979
uh, uh, I'm gonna stop you
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00:06:16,031 --> 00:06:17,280
right now.
Are you just gonna
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00:06:17,349 --> 00:06:18,882
talk about your hands
for a while?
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00:06:18,934 --> 00:06:21,117
Uh, no, Your Honor.
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00:06:21,186 --> 00:06:23,820
No more questions
for the witness.
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00:06:23,889 --> 00:06:25,488
(sighs)
Deandra,
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00:06:25,540 --> 00:06:27,590
here is the statement
that you gave
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00:06:27,659 --> 00:06:28,992
to police.
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00:06:29,027 --> 00:06:30,760
"Bill did it.
That goddamn drug addict
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00:06:30,829 --> 00:06:32,929
"is out of his mind.
I'll testify to that.
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00:06:32,998 --> 00:06:34,964
"I swear on my mother's
grave that Bill spiked
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00:06:35,033 --> 00:06:36,566
"that milk, no doubt about it.
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00:06:36,601 --> 00:06:39,135
He's guilty, guilty, guilty."
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00:06:39,204 --> 00:06:40,320
DEE: Uh...
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00:06:40,405 --> 00:06:41,488
Have you ever had sex
185
00:06:41,573 --> 00:06:43,807
with Bill before?
186
00:06:43,842 --> 00:06:45,358
Yeah.
187
00:06:45,444 --> 00:06:46,743
Yes, sure.
Because we-we were...
188
00:06:46,828 --> 00:06:48,678
We had a... We were sort of...
189
00:06:48,764 --> 00:06:50,196
We were lovers for a little...
190
00:06:50,282 --> 00:06:52,015
One of his prostitutes, right.
191
00:06:52,050 --> 00:06:53,583
Prostitutes?
192
00:06:53,652 --> 00:06:57,587
Um, I have a receipt
for a mink coat,
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00:06:57,656 --> 00:06:59,122
recently purchased
by a Bill Ponderosa
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00:06:59,157 --> 00:07:02,926
to be delivered
to a Dee Reynolds.
195
00:07:02,978 --> 00:07:04,911
A gift?
196
00:07:04,996 --> 00:07:07,263
Yes. I had a birthday.
197
00:07:07,332 --> 00:07:08,465
Six months ago.
198
00:07:08,533 --> 00:07:09,533
Uh...
Are you aware
199
00:07:09,601 --> 00:07:11,134
that the coat was purchased
200
00:07:11,203 --> 00:07:13,970
at Doyle McPoyle's
Trappings and Fur?
201
00:07:14,039 --> 00:07:15,171
No.
Or that the coat
202
00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:16,639
was not made of mink at all
203
00:07:16,708 --> 00:07:19,109
but rather made of... muskrat?
204
00:07:19,144 --> 00:07:22,011
Muskrat? Goddamn muskrat?
Are you kidding me,
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00:07:22,097 --> 00:07:24,330
Bill? Okay, you know
what, fine, he spiked it.
206
00:07:24,416 --> 00:07:27,016
(murmuring)
I'm sorry. What did you say?
207
00:07:27,102 --> 00:07:28,751
He spiked it, and then
he tried to bribe me.
208
00:07:28,787 --> 00:07:30,820
(groaning)
209
00:07:30,889 --> 00:07:32,906
No further questions,
Your Honor.
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00:07:32,991 --> 00:07:35,942
Ma'am, do you know
what perjury is?
211
00:07:36,027 --> 00:07:38,228
Mm-hmm.
212
00:07:38,296 --> 00:07:39,913
CHARLIE: Oh, this is terrible.
213
00:07:39,998 --> 00:07:41,414
Well, he shouldn't be...
This is terrible.
214
00:07:41,500 --> 00:07:42,932
Wow, you guys are getting
crushed in there.
215
00:07:43,001 --> 00:07:44,684
Yeah. Oh, I know.
Hey, thanks, Mac. Hi. Great.
216
00:07:44,769 --> 00:07:46,703
Hey, you know, I feel like
I'm not being utilized properly.
217
00:07:46,788 --> 00:07:48,004
Well, that's 'cause
you don't have anything.
218
00:07:48,089 --> 00:07:49,489
So you're not being
utilized at all.
219
00:07:49,574 --> 00:07:51,494
Yeah, but what if I get
to deliver the bombshell?
220
00:07:51,543 --> 00:07:54,144
Oh.
What bombshell?
221
00:07:54,212 --> 00:07:56,462
You guys don't have
a bombshell? Oh, my God.
222
00:07:56,548 --> 00:07:58,448
Every good case
needs a bombshell.
223
00:07:58,483 --> 00:08:00,049
Oh, Jesus Christ,
and, without it,
224
00:08:00,085 --> 00:08:02,318
you're screwed. You know
what, you know what? Okay.
225
00:08:02,370 --> 00:08:04,287
I'll find one for you. I'm
gonna do, like, a hero cop,
226
00:08:04,356 --> 00:08:05,688
Mark Fuhrman thing...
Oh, Mark Furhman. No...
227
00:08:05,757 --> 00:08:06,856
and then sort of transition
into a Kato Kaelin.
228
00:08:06,942 --> 00:08:08,675
Yeah, I wish you
would do none of it.
229
00:08:08,760 --> 00:08:09,926
Okay. All right. Cool. I wish
you'd do none of it, man.
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00:08:09,961 --> 00:08:11,394
I'm on it, I'm on it.
Okay. All right.
231
00:08:11,446 --> 00:08:13,329
Ah, why can't people
just stay out of this?
232
00:08:13,415 --> 00:08:15,131
Yeah, look, there's potentially...
That-That's my bird expert.
233
00:08:15,217 --> 00:08:17,784
He's from Penn. The guy... Like,
he's totally official, okay?
234
00:08:17,869 --> 00:08:19,969
Let me do the bird thing. He's an
ornithologist. I don't think it's a good...
235
00:08:20,005 --> 00:08:21,504
I'm gonna kill, man. I know,
but, Charlie, I'm just...
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00:08:21,556 --> 00:08:22,655
Uncle Jack, put me back on the stand.
What?
237
00:08:22,741 --> 00:08:24,207
No, we cannot.
Are you kidding me?
238
00:08:24,276 --> 00:08:25,675
You're lucky you didn't
get sent to jail.
239
00:08:25,710 --> 00:08:27,143
Yeah, I know.
But I think this could work.
240
00:08:27,212 --> 00:08:28,711
I'm gonna say
I found some bullshit online
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00:08:28,780 --> 00:08:31,664
that proves that lawyer's Jewish.
Oh.
242
00:08:31,750 --> 00:08:34,184
So what? So what? He'll
be a laughingstock.
243
00:08:34,269 --> 00:08:36,419
(laughs) Yes. Yes. Right?
244
00:08:36,454 --> 00:08:37,937
Because the man is Jewish?
245
00:08:40,258 --> 00:08:42,825
No. What? No. Not because he's...
Well, that's what
246
00:08:42,894 --> 00:08:45,094
it sounds like you're saying. N-Not
because he's Jewish. Because he's a liar
247
00:08:45,163 --> 00:08:46,679
and because he's embarrassed
about being Jewish.
248
00:08:46,765 --> 00:08:48,031
I mean, what is that?
249
00:08:48,116 --> 00:08:49,415
Dee, you blew it.
Like, big-time.
250
00:08:49,501 --> 00:08:51,801
I wish you guys would just stay
out of this.
251
00:08:51,853 --> 00:08:54,038
I-I didn't... I-I...
(groans)
252
00:08:55,891 --> 00:08:59,749
Maureen, you are the sister
of Bill Ponderosa,
253
00:08:59,869 --> 00:09:02,619
and it was at your wedding
that Liam got attacked?
254
00:09:02,705 --> 00:09:04,279
Meow.
Mmm.
255
00:09:04,399 --> 00:09:07,701
Your Honor, nothing represents
the tragic aftermath
256
00:09:07,775 --> 00:09:11,205
more than the dramatic
transformation of this woman...
257
00:09:11,325 --> 00:09:13,329
Uh, cat.
Excuse me?
258
00:09:13,414 --> 00:09:14,980
As I transition
from woman to cat,
259
00:09:15,049 --> 00:09:18,567
I must insist on being
referred to as a cat.
260
00:09:18,653 --> 00:09:20,953
Objection.
She's not a cat, Your Honor.
261
00:09:21,039 --> 00:09:23,105
(hisses)
(gallery gasping)
262
00:09:23,191 --> 00:09:25,424
If the witness wants to consider
herself a cat, I will allow it.
263
00:09:25,493 --> 00:09:27,026
I just need to know
where all this is headed.
264
00:09:27,078 --> 00:09:28,661
How is this relevant?
265
00:09:28,713 --> 00:09:30,262
Well, it's clearly relevant
266
00:09:30,314 --> 00:09:32,331
the attack had
a psychological impact
267
00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:34,934
on all the parties that evening.
268
00:09:35,019 --> 00:09:37,119
No further questions.
269
00:09:37,205 --> 00:09:40,606
Y-Your Honor, do you see what's
going on here? This is crazy.
270
00:09:40,658 --> 00:09:43,542
You know what, I'm gonna... I'm
gonna approach the bench. No.
271
00:09:43,594 --> 00:09:45,611
Can I just approach it real fast?
Absolutely not.
272
00:09:45,696 --> 00:09:48,264
All right, earlier, you-you
referred to my ex-wife as a cat,
273
00:09:48,349 --> 00:09:51,117
per her request. Uh, now,
surely, you wouldn't force a man
274
00:09:51,185 --> 00:09:53,119
to pay alimony to a cat, right?
275
00:09:53,154 --> 00:09:56,288
So motion to establish me not
having to pay alimony anymore.
276
00:09:56,357 --> 00:09:58,591
I will not allow that. Okay, well, so can
we just... we'll pop it on the docket?
277
00:09:58,659 --> 00:10:00,539
We can put it at the end
of the day if you want.
278
00:10:00,595 --> 00:10:02,545
I just want to clear it up
while I got her in a courtroom.
279
00:10:02,630 --> 00:10:04,897
I will not allow that, either.
Sit down.
280
00:10:04,966 --> 00:10:06,832
Now you don't allow something.
Now you don't allow something!
281
00:10:06,884 --> 00:10:08,868
Allow all this.
You gonna allow that?
282
00:10:08,936 --> 00:10:12,371
You know? But you don't...
Okay, I'm good. Goddamn it.
283
00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:13,873
UNCLE JACK: Frank,
284
00:10:13,908 --> 00:10:16,142
did you go to the wedding?
I did.
285
00:10:16,227 --> 00:10:18,911
And I snuck Ryan up in
the trunk of my car.
286
00:10:18,980 --> 00:10:22,348
He hadn't been invited to the wedding,
on account of the beef with Liam.
287
00:10:22,417 --> 00:10:25,017
And I had him in the trunk of the car, on
account of I didn't want to sit with him
288
00:10:25,086 --> 00:10:26,419
'cause he's gross.
Right.
289
00:10:26,471 --> 00:10:29,088
(chuckles)
And, uh, uh,
290
00:10:29,157 --> 00:10:32,324
what did Ryan say to you
when you got to the wedding?
291
00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:34,643
"I'm gonna kill
Maureen Ponderosa."
292
00:10:34,729 --> 00:10:38,848
So, if there's someone to point
the finger at, it would be...
293
00:10:38,933 --> 00:10:41,000
his brother!
(gallery gasping)
294
00:10:41,035 --> 00:10:44,236
Oh, my God! Oh, my
God, nobody look!
295
00:10:44,305 --> 00:10:46,655
Nobody look! Nobody look!
296
00:10:46,741 --> 00:10:49,074
Nobody look!
Nobody look!
297
00:10:49,143 --> 00:10:50,509
Nobody look!
298
00:10:52,130 --> 00:10:53,462
Now, you've stabbed
299
00:10:53,548 --> 00:10:55,214
your brother before, correct?
300
00:10:55,283 --> 00:10:56,966
Oh, sure.
301
00:10:57,051 --> 00:10:58,400
And you were upset
at the wedding.
302
00:10:58,486 --> 00:11:02,188
So it's not crazy
for me to ask you this.
303
00:11:02,223 --> 00:11:05,558
Ryan McPoyle, did you attack
your brother at the wedding?
304
00:11:05,593 --> 00:11:08,794
Oh. I'm not Ryan.
305
00:11:08,846 --> 00:11:11,697
What? You're not?
No.
306
00:11:11,749 --> 00:11:14,600
I'm Lion. Like the animal.
307
00:11:14,669 --> 00:11:15,951
Lion McPoyle.
308
00:11:16,037 --> 00:11:18,020
Wh-Why are you on the stand?
309
00:11:18,105 --> 00:11:19,705
Because you said "his brother"
310
00:11:19,774 --> 00:11:21,774
and threw your big fake hand
at me.
311
00:11:21,826 --> 00:11:24,176
O-Okay. Ryan's at home with Liam,
taking care of his infected eye.
312
00:11:24,212 --> 00:11:25,811
Okay, uh, uh, boy, let's, uh,
313
00:11:25,880 --> 00:11:28,631
str-strike that, uh,
hand comment from the record.
314
00:11:28,716 --> 00:11:31,083
Uh, would you happen to know
315
00:11:31,152 --> 00:11:33,185
if Ryan stabbed his brother
in the eye?
316
00:11:33,254 --> 00:11:35,020
Oh, yeah. I know.
He totally did it.
317
00:11:35,089 --> 00:11:37,056
(gallery murmuring)
Well, then I guess
318
00:11:37,091 --> 00:11:39,358
we will never know,
ladies and gentlemen.
319
00:11:39,427 --> 00:11:41,060
Uncle Jack, he just confessed!
320
00:11:41,095 --> 00:11:42,695
He did?
Yes!
321
00:11:42,730 --> 00:11:44,797
Yeah, Ryan stabbed Liam.
I totally saw it.
322
00:11:44,866 --> 00:11:46,615
Oh, my God! We won!
323
00:11:46,701 --> 00:11:48,400
(light cheering and applause)
324
00:11:48,486 --> 00:11:50,786
We did it!
We did it. How did I do it?
325
00:11:50,872 --> 00:11:53,489
Lion, was Ryan drinking milk
at the wedding?
326
00:11:53,574 --> 00:11:55,207
Of course. Everyone was.
327
00:11:55,259 --> 00:11:58,444
So who did the stabbing
doesn't matter, Your Honor,
328
00:11:58,529 --> 00:12:00,312
because they were all
still drugged
329
00:12:00,381 --> 00:12:03,282
on Bill Ponderosa's spiked milk,
330
00:12:03,367 --> 00:12:06,318
which is the point I've been
trying to make the entire time.
331
00:12:06,370 --> 00:12:09,788
So just to be clear,
you've proven my case.
332
00:12:09,857 --> 00:12:12,074
You lose.
333
00:12:12,159 --> 00:12:15,327
(gallery groaning) (sighs) I
can't follow any of this.
334
00:12:15,396 --> 00:12:18,247
What? Guys, guys, I got it.
335
00:12:18,332 --> 00:12:19,765
You-you got what?
336
00:12:19,850 --> 00:12:22,401
I got the bombshell.
337
00:12:22,470 --> 00:12:24,236
UNCLE JACK: Okay, Mr. McDonald,
338
00:12:24,272 --> 00:12:27,690
you recently found out some
very interesting information.
339
00:12:27,775 --> 00:12:29,792
Care to share it with the court?
340
00:12:29,877 --> 00:12:32,194
Yes. I've recently been informed
341
00:12:32,280 --> 00:12:36,482
that Ryan McPoyle
only drinks mother's milk!
342
00:12:36,551 --> 00:12:38,517
(gallery gasping, murmuring)
Which means there's no way
343
00:12:38,569 --> 00:12:41,487
he could have drank the
milk that Bill spiked,
344
00:12:41,556 --> 00:12:43,906
which means he was sober
when he attacked his brother,
345
00:12:43,991 --> 00:12:45,591
which means Bill is innocent!
346
00:12:45,626 --> 00:12:48,127
Case closed! Kaboom!
347
00:12:48,162 --> 00:12:49,979
Bombshell!
348
00:12:50,064 --> 00:12:51,447
(laughs)
349
00:12:51,532 --> 00:12:53,082
I did it. I did it,
black judge. I did it.
350
00:12:53,167 --> 00:12:55,935
Mr... Mr. McDonald, how did you
come upon this information?
351
00:12:56,020 --> 00:12:58,537
Oh, I banged Margaret McPoyle.
I'm curious
352
00:12:58,589 --> 00:13:01,740
how she told you,
because Margaret is a mute.
353
00:13:01,809 --> 00:13:05,144
Well, guess what, smart guy,
I had her write it down.
354
00:13:05,196 --> 00:13:09,898
One more thing, Your Honor.
Margaret, you carry a picture
355
00:13:09,984 --> 00:13:12,284
of Mother with you at
all times, don't you?
356
00:13:12,353 --> 00:13:14,069
Do you mind showing
that to the court?
357
00:13:17,625 --> 00:13:19,558
(gallery gasping)
358
00:13:21,929 --> 00:13:23,445
LAWYER: Your Honor,
359
00:13:23,531 --> 00:13:26,131
"Mother" is the name
of the McPoyle family cow.
360
00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:28,317
The cow that provided the milk
for the wedding.
361
00:13:28,402 --> 00:13:30,386
The milk that was drugged by...
362
00:13:30,471 --> 00:13:33,656
Bill Ponderosa.
363
00:13:33,741 --> 00:13:36,558
That mute bitch
lied to me for sex.
364
00:13:36,644 --> 00:13:38,327
Bombshell diffused.
365
00:13:38,412 --> 00:13:40,079
Abramowitz!
(gallery murmuring)
366
00:13:40,164 --> 00:13:43,782
Your great-grandmother's
last name was Abramowitz.
367
00:13:43,818 --> 00:13:45,551
I found it
on an ancestry Web site.
368
00:13:45,586 --> 00:13:51,824
That makes you a dirty liar
because you are Jewish.
369
00:13:51,892 --> 00:13:53,509
(gallery groaning and murmuring)
370
00:13:53,594 --> 00:13:55,811
Okay, I...
That came out kind of bad.
371
00:13:55,896 --> 00:13:58,163
I-I'm not disgusted
by the Jewish part.
372
00:13:58,199 --> 00:14:00,099
It's the... it's the lying part
that I was talking about.
373
00:14:00,167 --> 00:14:03,435
This dirty liar is a Jew...
374
00:14:03,504 --> 00:14:05,304
ish man.
375
00:14:05,389 --> 00:14:07,539
Recess?
376
00:14:07,575 --> 00:14:09,224
CHARLIE: Oh, God!
377
00:14:09,310 --> 00:14:10,976
Oh, that stupid Dee.
All right, calm down, calm down.
378
00:14:11,012 --> 00:14:12,778
Look, as the great
Johnnie Cochran once said,
379
00:14:12,813 --> 00:14:14,663
if the glove
doesn't fit, give up.
380
00:14:14,749 --> 00:14:16,548
That's not what he said!
That's not... It...
381
00:14:16,634 --> 00:14:17,914
How are you a lawyer, Jack? I...
382
00:14:17,968 --> 00:14:19,885
I mean, I know more than
you. All right, look...
383
00:14:19,954 --> 00:14:21,587
Watch your voice. Watch your voice.
Okay, okay, let's just...
384
00:14:21,656 --> 00:14:23,138
let me do my bird
thing. Okay, Bill,
385
00:14:23,224 --> 00:14:24,757
I want to do the bird thing.
Can we just do it...?
386
00:14:24,825 --> 00:14:26,308
Yeah, that's great. No,
let's do the bird thing.
387
00:14:26,394 --> 00:14:27,943
You're good with it now?
Okay. Love it, yeah.
388
00:14:28,029 --> 00:14:30,396
Jesus, son, what'd you cut this with?
Shut up, bitch.
389
00:14:30,464 --> 00:14:32,398
Son? Your... This is...
Your son is your dealer?
390
00:14:32,466 --> 00:14:33,799
He's reliable.
391
00:14:33,868 --> 00:14:35,534
Oh, God. Frank, what
are you doing, man?
392
00:14:35,569 --> 00:14:37,703
Come on, reign it in.
I paid for it.
393
00:14:37,772 --> 00:14:39,938
I'm gonna do it. Hey, fat ass,
this asshole's short 30 bucks.
394
00:14:40,024 --> 00:14:42,207
Go steal another set of my
golf clubs, you piece of shit.
395
00:14:42,276 --> 00:14:44,276
(bleep) you. Forget it.
Piss off.
396
00:14:44,328 --> 00:14:46,078
Guys, guys, we're doing the bird
theory, all right? All right.
397
00:14:46,147 --> 00:14:48,063
All right. All right. All right.
I'm taking the lead here, okay?
398
00:14:48,149 --> 00:14:49,782
Yeah. All right, let's do it.
Birds on three.
399
00:14:49,817 --> 00:14:51,817
ALL: One, two, three. Birds!
Those are just ridiculous.
400
00:14:51,869 --> 00:14:54,753
It's like three hands... like
eight hands out there. Yeah.
401
00:14:54,822 --> 00:14:56,372
CHARLIE: Your Honor,
402
00:14:56,457 --> 00:14:58,157
this is the McPoyle
family crest.
403
00:14:58,225 --> 00:15:00,659
On it you will find a bird--
404
00:15:00,728 --> 00:15:03,228
a Pocono swallow,
to be more accurate.
405
00:15:03,297 --> 00:15:04,897
A very rare, very elusive bird.
406
00:15:04,965 --> 00:15:06,298
You'll notice its trademark
407
00:15:06,367 --> 00:15:09,601
unibrow, highly uncommon
in most aviary circles.
408
00:15:09,653 --> 00:15:11,236
And my research shows
409
00:15:11,288 --> 00:15:14,139
that unlike your typical
North American barn swallow,
410
00:15:14,208 --> 00:15:16,942
the Pocono swallow, if kept
under the proper conditions,
411
00:15:17,011 --> 00:15:19,778
can live as long as 80
to even 85 years,
412
00:15:19,847 --> 00:15:21,513
much like a parrot
413
00:15:21,582 --> 00:15:23,916
or some of the more resilient
coastal gulls.
414
00:15:23,951 --> 00:15:26,518
Your Honor, where is this going?
415
00:15:26,554 --> 00:15:29,955
I don't know, but it
better lead somewhere fast.
416
00:15:30,007 --> 00:15:31,390
Your Honor, I can assure you
417
00:15:31,459 --> 00:15:32,899
that this will be
our final argument.
418
00:15:32,927 --> 00:15:34,460
Well, if it's gonna help
end all of this madness,
419
00:15:34,528 --> 00:15:35,811
I'll allow it.
420
00:15:35,896 --> 00:15:37,162
Thank you, Your Honor.
421
00:15:37,231 --> 00:15:39,131
Now, there was another member
422
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:40,833
of the McPoyle family clan
at the wedding
423
00:15:40,901 --> 00:15:42,301
the night of the incident.
424
00:15:42,369 --> 00:15:44,570
A member
that none of us have met.
425
00:15:44,638 --> 00:15:46,538
Certainly not anyone
on this side of the aisle.
426
00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:50,142
A one Mr. Royal McPoyle.
427
00:15:50,211 --> 00:15:53,162
A bird. The McPoyle family's
428
00:15:53,247 --> 00:15:55,848
pet Pocono swallow,
and my research shows
429
00:15:55,916 --> 00:15:57,316
that this particular
Pocono swallow
430
00:15:57,384 --> 00:15:59,635
has a history of violence.
431
00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:02,538
Look into the gallery, and
you will see Royal's victims.
432
00:16:02,623 --> 00:16:04,823
It took Margaret's
vocal cords in 1999,
433
00:16:04,892 --> 00:16:06,859
leaving her mute.
434
00:16:06,927 --> 00:16:08,794
Keith McPoyle lost his eyes
and his ears
435
00:16:08,846 --> 00:16:11,096
to it in '76, and we all know
436
00:16:11,165 --> 00:16:13,365
that according to bird law,
it's three strikes,
437
00:16:13,434 --> 00:16:15,167
and you're out.
438
00:16:15,236 --> 00:16:17,703
Bye, bye, birdie.
439
00:16:17,772 --> 00:16:20,372
Ready, boys and girls, because
here's where it gets good.
440
00:16:20,407 --> 00:16:23,091
Ryan McPoyle didn't
attack Liam. Royal did.
441
00:16:23,177 --> 00:16:25,778
And Lion was lying about
Ryan attacking Liam
442
00:16:25,813 --> 00:16:27,279
to protect Royal from the chair.
443
00:16:27,331 --> 00:16:28,881
Or lethal injection.
444
00:16:28,933 --> 00:16:30,649
Or perhaps some sort of
small bird guillotine.
445
00:16:30,718 --> 00:16:32,184
I wouldn't understand
the physics of it.
446
00:16:32,253 --> 00:16:34,019
I'm not an executioner.
447
00:16:34,054 --> 00:16:36,789
I'm just the best goddamn
bird lawyer in the world.
448
00:16:38,893 --> 00:16:40,909
So, bottom line-- and
listen up, numbnuts,
449
00:16:40,995 --> 00:16:43,595
'cause it blows a
hole in your case--
450
00:16:43,664 --> 00:16:46,498
birds don't drink milk.
451
00:16:46,550 --> 00:16:48,000
Objection, Your Honor.
(gallery groaning)
452
00:16:48,085 --> 00:16:50,602
There's no Royal McPoyle.
453
00:16:50,654 --> 00:16:53,705
Perhaps, or perhaps not.
454
00:16:53,741 --> 00:16:58,076
Your Honor, I call Pappy McPoyle
to the stand.
455
00:16:58,145 --> 00:17:01,914
Pappy McPoyle, patriarch
of the McPoyle family.
456
00:17:01,982 --> 00:17:05,350
Royal was your pet bird. You've
had him since you were a boy.
457
00:17:05,419 --> 00:17:08,120
And isn't it true that you never
go anywhere without him?
458
00:17:08,205 --> 00:17:09,771
(crying): Yeah. Yeah.
459
00:17:09,857 --> 00:17:11,657
I have seen...
460
00:17:11,709 --> 00:17:14,042
raccoons and oysters dancing...
461
00:17:14,128 --> 00:17:16,061
in the head of a pin
with the angels.
462
00:17:16,146 --> 00:17:17,796
They are laughing.
463
00:17:17,832 --> 00:17:19,431
LAWYER: All right, Your Honor,
464
00:17:19,517 --> 00:17:21,567
clearly, this witness
is mentally unwell
465
00:17:21,652 --> 00:17:24,052
and cannot answer any
of the questions properly...
466
00:17:24,138 --> 00:17:26,538
Uh, perhaps, Your Honor,
or-or perhaps it's just a cover.
467
00:17:26,607 --> 00:17:28,257
But it's quite all right.
468
00:17:28,342 --> 00:17:30,142
I don't have
any further questions.
469
00:17:30,211 --> 00:17:32,077
Oh, except one more.
470
00:17:32,162 --> 00:17:35,781
Didn't the bailiff ask everyone
to remove their hats?
471
00:17:37,218 --> 00:17:38,350
That is true.
472
00:17:38,402 --> 00:17:40,085
Mr. McPoyle,
473
00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:42,104
would you please
remove your hat?
474
00:17:42,189 --> 00:17:45,757
Mmm... Mr. McPoyle,
please remove your hat.
475
00:17:45,826 --> 00:17:48,160
Perhaps he is too insane
to understand the question.
476
00:17:48,195 --> 00:17:50,546
Why don't I just...?
477
00:17:50,631 --> 00:17:52,564
(squawk)
478
00:17:52,616 --> 00:17:54,967
(gallery groans, gasps, shouts)
479
00:17:55,002 --> 00:17:57,019
Ladies and gentlemen,
Royal McPoyle.
480
00:17:57,104 --> 00:17:58,370
(squawks)
481
00:17:58,405 --> 00:17:59,621
Chickadee, dee,
dee, little birdy.
482
00:17:59,707 --> 00:18:01,006
Let's dance.
483
00:18:01,091 --> 00:18:02,908
Your Honor, this is
Mr. Belka Meir.
484
00:18:02,977 --> 00:18:04,943
He's a professor of ornithology
at the University of Penn.
485
00:18:05,012 --> 00:18:06,395
Mr. Meir, it's
safe to say
486
00:18:06,480 --> 00:18:08,113
you're a bit of an
expert on birds, yes?
487
00:18:08,198 --> 00:18:09,965
I believe you're correct, yes.
488
00:18:10,050 --> 00:18:11,884
And you would understand this
Pocono swallow quite well,
489
00:18:11,952 --> 00:18:13,368
wouldn't you?
Yes, I do.
490
00:18:13,454 --> 00:18:15,554
Then please ask it
if it attacked Liam!
491
00:18:15,606 --> 00:18:18,223
Ask... if... What?
492
00:18:18,292 --> 00:18:19,992
CHARLIE: Mr. Meir, I would
like you to please talk
493
00:18:20,060 --> 00:18:23,178
to the bird and say, "Did
you attack Liam McPoyle?!"
494
00:18:23,264 --> 00:18:26,365
(laughing): I can't converse with...
with a bird.
495
00:18:26,450 --> 00:18:28,967
Well, I thought you were an expert on
birds. I am an expert on birds, but...
496
00:18:29,069 --> 00:18:30,869
Well, I need you to
communicate with the bird.
497
00:18:30,955 --> 00:18:32,771
- This is very important, and I need to...
MEIR: But it's a...
498
00:18:32,806 --> 00:18:34,222
(laughs)
499
00:18:34,308 --> 00:18:35,941
Well, this is
a bit embarrassing, Your Honor.
500
00:18:35,993 --> 00:18:37,709
Perhaps this man
has lied about his credentials.
501
00:18:37,795 --> 00:18:41,129
Uh, fortunately, I am familiar
with a little bit of pigeon.
502
00:18:41,215 --> 00:18:44,116
Perhaps I can
get through to it in some way.
503
00:18:44,201 --> 00:18:46,618
(cooing)
504
00:18:46,687 --> 00:18:48,036
LAWYER: Okay.
505
00:18:48,122 --> 00:18:49,755
Your Honor, this is nonsense.
506
00:18:49,807 --> 00:18:51,857
Here, kitty.
(mews)
507
00:18:51,909 --> 00:18:53,825
Here, kitty. Chase the laser beam, kitty.
(gallery gasping and murmuring)
508
00:18:53,894 --> 00:18:55,727
Order. Your Honor, you've got
a man speaking to a bird.
509
00:18:55,796 --> 00:18:57,663
And yet, you refuse to rule
510
00:18:57,698 --> 00:19:00,132
on me having
to pay alimony to this cat.
511
00:19:00,217 --> 00:19:01,516
What is this?!
Order!
512
00:19:01,602 --> 00:19:02,517
It's a mockery of
justice, Your Honor.
513
00:19:02,603 --> 00:19:04,670
This is ridiculous, and this...
514
00:19:04,755 --> 00:19:07,739
I said, order!
(gallery clamoring)
515
00:19:07,775 --> 00:19:09,708
LAWYER: He's talking to the pigeon!
516
00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:11,643
I'm not paying alimony
to a goddamn cat!
517
00:19:11,729 --> 00:19:14,212
Order!
I want order in this court!
518
00:19:14,248 --> 00:19:15,714
Fly, my pet!
519
00:19:15,766 --> 00:19:17,182
Fly!
520
00:19:17,251 --> 00:19:18,951
(bird squawking,
people screaming)
521
00:19:19,003 --> 00:19:20,769
Bring me their eyes!
522
00:19:20,854 --> 00:19:22,437
(laughing)
523
00:19:22,523 --> 00:19:25,641
(screaming, shouting)
524
00:19:25,726 --> 00:19:26,892
Bring them to me!
525
00:19:26,994 --> 00:19:27,876
(laughing)
526
00:19:27,962 --> 00:19:28,962
Oh!
527
00:19:28,996 --> 00:19:30,812
(clamoring)
528
00:19:30,898 --> 00:19:32,297
(screaming)
529
00:19:34,746 --> 00:19:36,964
MELVOY: In my 35 years on this bench,
530
00:19:37,081 --> 00:19:39,481
I have never seen such a mockery
made of this courtroom.
531
00:19:39,517 --> 00:19:42,234
You people have wasted my time,
532
00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:43,952
you've wasted
the taxpayers' time,
533
00:19:44,601 --> 00:19:47,485
and this justice
has heard enough.
534
00:19:47,571 --> 00:19:49,254
I am throwing this case out.
535
00:19:49,289 --> 00:19:50,788
I should've done it hours ago.
536
00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:52,123
He's throwing it out!
That means we win!
537
00:19:52,192 --> 00:19:53,541
That means we win!
That means we won!
538
00:19:53,627 --> 00:19:56,127
Damn, damn, damn!
539
00:19:56,212 --> 00:19:57,712
Son of a bitch!
Order.
540
00:19:57,797 --> 00:20:00,265
Damn! Damn it!
(shouting)
541
00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:01,300
Order!
542
00:20:01,368 --> 00:20:03,635
This court has ruled.
543
00:20:03,687 --> 00:20:05,687
Now, I suggest
544
00:20:05,772 --> 00:20:07,555
that you people get
the hell out of my courtroom
545
00:20:07,641 --> 00:20:09,390
before I put you all in jail.
546
00:20:09,476 --> 00:20:10,808
You got it!
Get out!
547
00:20:10,860 --> 00:20:12,694
Bailiff, next case.
548
00:20:12,779 --> 00:20:15,113
It's ridiculous.
549
00:20:15,148 --> 00:20:16,864
We have Morgan State Delivery
550
00:20:16,950 --> 00:20:18,950
v. the proprietors
of one Paddy's Pub.
551
00:20:18,985 --> 00:20:22,167
Oh! That's us. That's us, Your Honor.
Oh, that's us.
552
00:20:22,287 --> 00:20:25,735
Oh, hell no! Uh-uh. Uh-uh!
All right!
553
00:20:27,292 --> 00:20:35,292
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com