Did you remember to ask for left-handed chopsticks?
Oh, yeah. Here they are.
Thanks.
Oh, and where are we on the left-handed toilet paper?
Oh, I bought it. It's in all the bathrooms now.
Finally.
Beloved family. Dave.
Okay, don't freak out,
but I have something to tell you.
Is it the car? Is it grades?
Did Tammy dye her hair? I told her she shouldn't.
It's nothing bad.
Although Tammy did go blond, and it is no bueno.
(LAUGHING)
See? I knew it'd wash her out.
I told her to go chestnut, maybe auburn. You know what?
I'll go Snapchat her some color samples.
No, you won't.
What's going on, honey?
Well, there's this guy, Sean, in my class.
He's sweet, he's on the wrestling team,
we really like each other...
And last Friday, we took it to the next level.
Ew, gross! I don't want to hear about that.
No, he asked me to be his girlfriend.
(GROANS) Next time, lead with that, all right, sweetie?
Gross.
Anyway, it's really important to me that you guys to meet him.
Seriously? You're usually so private about that stuff.
Well, you're the people that matter most to me,
and I wanted to make sure you approved of him.
Or...
(SIGHS) There's a bonfire at surfside next weekend,
and I knew you wouldn't let me go if you didn't meet him first.
Molly, predictable as the sunrise.
Okay, he'll be here soon. Just please don't embarrass me.
Don't worry, Mol. I know your mom's a bit of a social sandbag,
but I'll be the conversational rising tide
that lifts all boats.
Seriously, Mom. Handle your man.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Okay, that's him. Mom, you look great.
Dave, stop chewing. Dad, your fly.
Hells yeah, I'm fly. I'm supah fly!
(SIGHS) No, your fly is "supah" open!
Hey.
- Guys, this is Sean. - Hi, everyone.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
A pleasure to meet you? Where are we, Buckingham Palace?
Get inside these love sticks, Sean.
We hug in this house!
- Can you just... - Oh, okay.
(DR. KEN GROANING)
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
So, you're a wrestler, huh?
If I had to pick my faves,
I'd go with the undertaker or junkyard dog. How about you?
Well, actually, I'm on the high school wrestling team, sir.
I think those guys are more like entertainers.
Oh, really?
Mmm.
Hmm. Entertainment, huh?
Well, let's see if you can handle the
Iron claw! Ah!
(GROANING)
Ah. Impressive.
(GRUNTS)
You can let go of my hand now.
(CHUCKLES)
And the claw! (GRUNTS)
(CHUCKLES) Okay. Well, this kid's ring-ready.
Oh, you're gonna love this.
Molly, go get my Mexican wrestling mask.
I will not.
So, your family just moved down from Seattle?
How's the adjustment been?
It's been pretty good, thanks.
Question, in high school wrestling,
what are the rules about hitting each other with folding chairs?
Again, that's a whole different thing.
(CHUCKLING) Yeah, it's awesome.
Sean, I noticed that your watch is
on your right hand. Are you a lefty?
- I am. - So am I!
Cool. Did you know that four
out of the last seven presidents were lefties?
Of course I knew. I just didn't think anyone else did.
You're gonna love our toilet paper.
(MOUTHING)
And that's our cue.
We should probably get going.
It was really nice to meet you guys.
Sean, wait.
I just want to say you seem like a really nice kid,
and so I'm glad Molly found...
Ha! Ahhh! (EXCLAIMS)
Apricot! Apricot!
That means let him go.
(CHUCKLES) Well done, Sean.
You guys have a safe word? Gross.
Wow.
Sweet kid, huh?
We may have a bit of a problem.
I think his mother is a patient of mine.
Wait. Really?
Yep. The last name, the recent move, it all adds up.
So his mom's in therapy with you?
Yeah. This could be an issue.
An issue-tunity.
If we can get in the mom's head,
we can get in his head.
We can own that kid.
I thought you liked him.
I can like and own at the same time, Allison.
I can do a lot of things at the same time.
You've seen me dance-reading.
Look, it's not the end of the world.
I'll just tell Sean's mom
and maybe refer her to another therapist.
Yeah, makes sense.
So, does she talk about him? Something wrong with him?
Compulsive? Narcissistic? Asian fetish?
No, that's you.
What can I say? I likes what I likes.
(CHUCKLES)
Damn!
Mmm!
Ken.
I feel that you and I are friends.
Really? We're gonna have that argument again?
I just found out that once a year,
all managers at Welltopia get an evaluation
based on the collective feedback of their subordinates.
(LAUGHING) Oh, man, they're gonna crush you.
They do not like you at all.
I know, and this evaluation
could determine my bonus or whether I get a promotion.
(CHUCKLES) Spoiler alert! You're not getting those.
All right.
I know I may have been a little hard on some people
since I got here,
but in my defense,
I did not know I'd be held accountable.
Now, these evaluations are due in two days.
Well, I think you know what you have to do.
Yeah.
I know exactly what I have to do.
I know where you live, and I have all your social security numbers.
I can hurt you.
Solid threats, but I meant you have to be nice to them.
All right, fine. I'll try it.
Hey, everyone.
You look like you've lost some weight.
I don't know, about two pounds...
Each.
And have you done something with your hair?
Okay, they don't all have to be group compliments, Pat.
Well, this is gonna take forever.
So, listen, before we start today's session,
there's something I need to tell you.
It seems that your son, Sean, is dating my daughter.
Oh, my God, small world.
I had no idea you were Chloe's mom.
Sean's cheating on Molly?
Apparently, he's dating some girl named Chloe.
That bastard. I trusted him.
I even ordered these!
I can't believe it.
Molly's so into that kid, and he's cheating on her.
I swear to God, I'd like to get him in a wrestling ring and just crush him!
- Please. - Oh, you don't think I could?
You give me his address and a folding chair.
I'll go over there right now.
No DQ! In a cage!
God, poor Molly. I wish we could tell her.
Wait. What? Why can't we?
Ken, the mom told me during therapy.
It's a confidentiality issue. You know I can't violate that.
Why? Everybody violates that.
My patient Raymond Boyd has gout.
Ooh! There, I said it.
Well, actually, that's a bad example.
He wrote that memoir, "Boyd meets gout,"
But the point is,
this is our daughter we're talking about.
I know!
And believe me, I'd also like to get into a ring
and smash him with a frying pan.
A frying pan? Allison, it's a sport, not a cartoon.
Bottom line,
if we tell Molly about this, I could lose my job.
(SIGHS) Okay, fine.
Besides, they're 16.
This thing could be over tomorrow.
And if we told her,
we could be breaking her heart for no reason.
You're right. Molly does go through boys
like she goes through spring rompers.
You need more male friends.
I mean, because of Allison's stupid "professional ethics,"
We can't even tell our own daughter
she's dating Cheater Pan.
(IMITATES PETER PAN) Look! I can lie!
Okay, you can't say "Cheater Pan"
and expect me not to do that.
So... Julie, is it?
I see you enjoy putting miniature succulents
into old cans.
I do!
I like how each of them has a story.
- This one, for instance... - Great story!
Left me wanting more.
- There is more. - Good-bye.
So, Clark...
That whole gay marriage thing seems to be taking off.
That must be good news for a fella like you who...
Enjoys the... comforts of other fellas.
Okay, somehow you have just ruined being gay for me.
You're a delight! Good-bye.
Damona, let me take those. You do enough around here.
Get the hell off of me, grandpa.
I love our rapport. Good-bye.
This is easier than I thought.
Good-bye.
'Sup, bae? How's it hangin'?
Molly and Dave are in the living room
with Cheatwood Mac.
Hey, Al, you know how you said this might end tomorrow?
Well, it's tomorrow, and it didn't.
I'm going proactive.
Ken, we can't say anything.
Okay, fine. Fine. I'll just hint at it until he folds.
Like the chair I'll hit him with if he doesn't.
No, no, no. We can't. Mmm!
Hey, guys, what's the haps?
Oh, hello, Sean.
Hi, Dr. Park. We're playing Risk.
Indeed you are, Sean. Indeed you are.
Dave, you just rolled with your right hand.
Yeah, I'm a righty in athletics.
Ooh, Sean, did you really roll a six?
Because if you didn't, that would be dishonest.
Ken.
- Dad, what are you doing? - Oh, don't listen to him.
Why don't you go into the kitchen
and get more lemon cookies?
Oh, I would, but if anyone is dieting,
then eating those would be unfaithful to their diet.
Eh, they're only 40 calories each.
I know. It seems too good to be true.
Because if someone was being unfaithful,
I would hope they would have the decency to come clean.
What are you doing?
Because guilt is a very powerful thing.
And if you hold onto it for too long,
it'll burn and burn,
hotter and hotter and hotter...
- Dad! - I'm building to something.
And hotter.
I'm done.
- Is there something wrong here? - Sean, let's get out of here.
Cheater! You're a cheater! (GASPS)
Wow, went right at it.
I didn't mean to...
Okay, fine. I admit it!
- I cheated on you. - What?
- What?
I don't know how my parents knew,
but I cheated on you with Brayden
because I thought you were still going out with Chloe.
- I'm so sorry, Sean. - No, I can't believe you would do that!
Sean, wait!
DAVE: Wait, Sean! We can talk about this!
We're in a fight.
Honey, I'm sorry. We thought that...
No, I don't care what you thought!
I don't know how I'm gonna retaliate for this,
but it's probably gonna be older,
and it's probably gonna drive a motorcycle.
Well, that took a turn.
Okay, it's actually not as bad as we thought.
I talked to Molly. It turns out she didn't cheat.
It was just a slight overlap.
Overlap?
She was dating Brayden,
then she met Sean.
There was a little overlap while she made up her mind.
Okay, that's still cheating.
I mean, how does this not bother you?
It's wrong.
I mean, we never would've done that to each other.
Right.
Allison, did you overlap me?
What? That's crazy.
I mean, when I met you, I was dating Billy Tanaka,
but I dumped him because you were so great.
Was... there... over... lap?
I don't know. Maybe a week.
It was so long ago. Who remembers?
Thank you for finally admitting that.
Oh, come on. You're not really...
Don't touch me.
Apricot.
- Remember this? - What?
Our third date at the Santa Monica pier.
I won you a framed poster of Penny Hardaway
at the pop-a-shot.
I kissed you on the Ferris wheel,
and we heard fireworks.
Well, it turned out to be gang violence in the parking lot,
but still, what a night.
Yes, Ken. It was a great night.
But little did I know, I was your side piece, Allison.
I can't believe you're this upset
about something so small that happened so long ago.
All right, I have to go to work now.
And when I get home,
it'd be really convenient if you were no longer seven.
Oh, I'm being immature?
You tarnished our origin story.
Look, when I first met you, it was magical.
And I always thought you felt the same way.
But now I know... You didn't.
Did Sean call? Did he text?
No, honey.
Everyone says breakups are hard,
but I had no idea.
I'll be in bed.
- Need a spoon, buddy? - Nope.
Why is there a little man making eggs up in here?
They're omelets,
as in "om-letting you know how much I appreciate you."
Enjoy, because my gratitude is without limits.
Mr. Pat says only two ingredients per omelet.
And go light on the cheese.
Juan-Julio,
the cheese thing that was between us.
My mistake.
Guys, the cheese thing was between us.
It's weird you're being so generous.
Last week, you stuck a box of floss in the break room
and said, "Here's your new dental plan."
And when I asked for toilet-seat covers,
you said, "No! Live on the edge."
Yes, well, that was the past.
Oh, but this morning,
when I asked if you would pay me to make omelets,
you said, "You're a valet.
"Why would I pay you to make omelets, Juan-Julio?"
I think what we're missing here
is that I have become a thoughtful and generous boss
who cares deeply about the welfare of his employees.
I see what's going on here.
You're trying to bribe us to get better evaluations.
Oh, thank God. Now that it's all out in the open,
it should go a lot more smoothly.
So what's it gonna take, people? Money? Time off? Pudding?
But wait.
We all handed those forms in two weeks ago.
Everyone at Welltopia...
Is time off still on the table?
Because I would like to get out of here.
So, you mean to say I've been treating you all kindly
for no good reason?
Oh, no, Pat. Kindness has its own...
Cram it, gorgeous.
Pack it up, Juan-Julio.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Hi, Dr. Park.
Sean, my overlap brother.
Get inside these comfort sticks.
I feel your pain.
Look, I know you're here to tell Molly off and that's fair,
but just remember, she can't help it.
Turns out cheating is genetic.
Oh, no, no, no. I'm here to pick her up. We got back together.
Even though she tarnished your origin story?
I mean, maybe a few years ago, I would have felt like that,
but I'm 17 now.
I'm not a child.
Yeah, totally.
Anyways, I had, like, this "a-ha" moment.
I mean, was it a bummer that she was with someone else when we met?
Absolutely.
But she gave him up,
which proves how much she likes me.
Huh.
Can you, you know?
So anyway, I had, like, this "a-ha" moment.
I mean, was it a bummer
that you were with someone else when we met?
Absolutely.
But you gave him up,
which proves how much she likes me.
- Who's she? - You!
Wow. You know what?
That's the sweetest thing you've ever said.
Hey, when it's from the heart, it's easy.
I wonder if it was easy
when Sean said those exact words to Molly.
(SIGHS)
You got me.
The kid's a poet trapped in a wrestler's body.
Just like Greg "The Hammer" Valentine.
I want to show you something.
(GASPS)
Oh, my God! Penny Hardaway! You still have this.
Yeah, I saved everything from that night.
The wristband to go on the rides,
the rose you bought me,
the statement we gave to police about the gang shooting.
Aw. Double homicide.
We have the same origin story, Ken,
and it's a great story.
- Yeah. - (GIGGLES)
And the only one who didn't live happily ever after?
Billy Tanaka.
Actually, he just sold his company
for $100 million.
And he's still single,
and he's, like, this crossfit maniac.
Okay. You're off Facebook.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Hey. Sean and I are headed out to the movies.
I don't know if you heard, but we're back together.
Yes, I did, and I'm really happy for you.
Thanks, Dad.
I'm happy, too, but I've got to be honest.
I think I'm gonna focus on me for a while.
Ken, I got my evaluation,
and I'm a little too nervous to read it alone. Do you mind?
Nervous? You should be terrified.
(LAUGHS)
This is gonna be a bloodbath.
You're a good friend, Ken.
Well, here goes.
"Employees find him barely tolerable.
"Communication skills need significant improvement.
"Overall behavior leaves much to be desired."
Well, maybe next year, you'll try harder...
This is so much better than I expected!
- Really? - Hell, yeah. Look at this.
"As a leader,
"he is wildly out of touch with his employees."
They love me!
Pat, that is a terrible eval...
Good-bye.
Dr. Park, we really don't need to do this.
(CLUCKING)
Want some?
This is literally my house!
I got one question for you.
Can you smell what the doc is cooking?
Hyah! (GRUNTS)
(DR. KEN GROANING)
DR. KEN: Ahhh!
Apricot! Apricot!
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll