Adam, you are pushing
- when I need you to pull, okay? - Stop it.
- Stay in the slot, baby. - It's a delicate dance.
It's a tango, okay?
I'm the man. I lead you, sweetheart.
No, sweetheart.
In fact, I came up with a cool name for our team,
The Woodsmen, right?
- That's, like, a badass name... - Classic.
...and I thought of it 'cause I'm the leader.
You want to name us "The Woodsmen,"
after a Kevin Bacon movie about a pedophile.
You didn't actually let me finish.
No, we are the Timberlakes,
and we're bringing sexy to the timber sports.
End of story. Now, you push, I pull.
No, I push, and you pull on my count.
- Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - Do not swing it... Right...
This isn't... You're not helping!
Stop fighting!
Flip a coin. Or you know what?
Better yet, why doesn't one of you take the high road
and let the other call the shots? Be the bigger man.
I'm the baller shot caller.
I've got 20-inch blades on my Impala, okay?
This... This is why you're not even on the team.
You're not on our team, you bitch.
Oh, this is why.
See, 'cause I was wondering why, 'cause it really hurt my feelings
no one asked me, especially since I'm the one
who knew about the tournament in Big Bear.
I love timber sports. You know that about me.
Yes, you're a timber sports fan,
but we are timber sports,
and that's the difference between us.
You can start at the penis or just scream,
"I don't give a fuck and see who means this," so scream it.
- What? - Fuck.
Fuck.
- Fuck, fuck, fuck. - Fuck.
We gonna fuck all the time. We just do it.
I don't give a fuck.
Part of our nature, because we're alpha dogs.
- We bark fuck all the time. - Yeah.
- We're not afraid to bark a fuck at someone. - You're beta bitch boy.
Fine, you want me to? Fuck.
- You didn't even say it. - Yes, I did. Fuck.
- Now, on my count, let's saw! - Okay.
That is my count, though, since nobody's counting.
- Sound off! - Alpha dogs, baby!
Ooh-rah!
ANDERS, Oh, oh!
Oh, no, the Vo!
Oh, are you guys okay?
- Stop the watch? - Yeah, what was the time?
- No, hey. - He's good.
Uh, yeah... Uh, really fast.
- He... He didn't push the button. - Yes, I did.
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
I'm fresh
You gotta, you gotta You gotta, gotta
Gotta be fresh
Hey, Bill, thanks for driving us home, bud.
I mean, nothing really rides like a Toyota Corolla.
- Shotgun! - Shotgun, and that was a tie.
- Fine. License plate. - License plate.
Oh! And I even walked in slow-mo.
It's all right, bud.
Oh, yeah, that's a tight squeeze.
- Squeeze them in. - Shotgun.
All right, boys, I MapQuested the best route,
and I made us a little mix tape.
Oh, all right, Bill's mix tape.
That's cool, but after you, pass me the aux, dude.
I'm gonna get this place fricking on fire, dude.
- Wow. - Mmm-hmm.
- That's bad. - Yeah, it's really, really bad.
Just way out of date.
This is way, way Less than Jake.
Terrible. Really, really bad fish.
- I like that one. - Thank you. I like yours too.
That's my band. Here's my solo.
You know, I'm just going to turn it off for a second.
Thank you.
Bill, is it cool if I get this Gatorade?
Uh, that's not Gatorade anymore.
Oh.
Jesus Christ, Bill.
Guys, we have got to get the $3,000
and get the Vo fixed, okay? This is a nightmare.
I don't like it. I'm, like, way too big to be...
I'm too big to be back here.
You know, I play poker at this underground card game
where Diane deals.
Won 200 bones last week.
200 bones. 200 bones.
All right, boys, alpha Ders is gonna step up, hit the table,
probably play till dawn,
but I'm gonna get our money back no doubt.
Well, as an alpha dog myself,
I'd probably get all of our moolah back by sunrise,
so I'm gonna play as well.
Oh, you're playing too?
This is cool. It's like family game night. That is great, yeah.
- Yeah. No, I'd like to play too. - Okay.
Cash only, gents.
- No cell phones. - Okay, cool.
This isn't cash.
Is it already my turn?
Yeah, no, nope.
I just... Nah.
- What are you doing? - Nah, I just... I fold.
You don't have to fold, dude. Just say "check."
No, I don't...
And it's cash only, so I'm out, actually.
This just... No, it's too stressful.
Frank, sorry, I'm out, okay? You guys.
Okay.
I check.
Okay. Um...
Man, sometimes you just don't get a good hand,
but you got to just...
I guess I'll play.
Nope, you're gonna want to...
You're gonna... Okay.
I fold too.
Yes! Boom.
I'll take your chips. I'll take your chips.
Watch out, we got a shark in the waters.
Frank, what's up, dude?
I'm just wondering if there's anything fun
to do here, some entertainment...
Maybe some magic show, Siegfried and Roy,
Criss Angel. Mindfreak me, will ya?
I guess you could watch the rats fuck out back.
Okay.
Yeah, definitely, definitely.
Yes! What a hand.
I'm going all in, punks.
Hey, you seem nervous, dude.
Why you so nervous?
- Yeah, why you so nervous? - I'm not nervous.
Why you nervous?
Just gamble... Take the bet or don't.
I suggest that you don't, 'cause that's a good hand.
Mmm, all you can eat, baby, Hometown Buffet.
- I love Hometown Buffet. - Me too.
So here... Okay, all in for me too.
I have literally nothing.
That's what I thought.
Okay, here. You're missing these chips.
Don't forget these. Hey, do we...
Can we still get drinks if we're out of moneys?
So, got no ride, and now we've got no money.
And we would've starved to death if Rancho Cuca Pizza
wouldn't have hooked us up with this irregular pizza
they were about to throw out.
Well, you know what they say,
- the house always wins. - Yeah.
Except for we didn't lose to the house.
We lost to that cool-looking Asian dude.
He was cool... Sunglasses inside?
- That's, like, a good look. - That's the look.
- What did you just say? - I said...
We were talking about the Asian guy,
and I'm like, "Sunglasses inside...
- "That's the look." - Right.
And then Ders is like, "That's the look."
No, before that.
I don't know. I farted.
The house always...
He did fart.
- Oh, the house always wins. - Yes.
Our house could always be winning if we were the casino.
- Oh, okay. - That's not a bad idea.
Oh, dude, yeah, we could have a way better casino
- than that warehouse dude. - Totally.
I mean, this is a card table.
I mean, we're at a card table right now.
We already have a card table.
- Check. - Got that.
- Anders? - What's up?
I love that idea.
- Give it here! - Yes!
- Whoo! - Whoo!
Hey, hey, hey, it's Ray.
There you go. Welcome to my casino.
Remember, what happens here stays here.
Big Gil dog.
Snap into a Slim Jim, compliments of the house.
Deedee, killer blouse.
Welcome to my casino.
I'll be watching you.
I'll be watching all of you.
Yeah, Deedee.
Yeah, sip that drink.
Oh, well, hello, hello.
Who are you?
You're a sexy mommy out on the town, aren't you?
You told the sitter you'd be back by 9:00,
9:30 at the latest,
but tonight you're gonna be a little late,
because Mommy has got to have fun too.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna beat off.
Excuse me, young lady,
but you have to be 21 or older to play here.
Do you need to see my ID?
Yeah, that'll work.
Okay, Mama's a whale.
Adam, this is your boss.
Please get to the back of the house.
You are my bitch. I am your employer.
Get to the back of the house pronto. Thank you, bye.
One momento.
Diane, what are you doing? It's like you've never dealt before.
What do you want?
- She's a whale. - No, she's not.
- She's in great shape. - She is in great shape.
What I'm saying is that she's loaded, okay?
She's got cash, and if we string her along,
we can pay for the Vo and go to the timber sports games.
Yeah, these are things that I know, because I'm in charge.
No, no, no, you're an idiot, and I'm in charge.
Of what, cranking down?
'Cause that lotion is not where I left it last.
Are you using my lotion?
Only when I'm in your room, jerking off on your computer.
Absolutely do not ever jerk off on my computer.
Fine, okay, I won't,
but because I choose not to from now on.
You know what? Just get out, okay?
I've got actual in-charge-type work to do.
Work, like what? Work on your cock?
Damn it, I didn't take my pants off.
All right, packed house.
So the key to a successful magic trick is distraction.
That's where you come in.
As my assistant,
you need to be something that the audience looks at while I...
Look up there... Perform my illusion, see?
Okay, cool, so I'm like eye candy and all that.
Is there anything that you want me to do, like, specifically?
You know, just do what feels right.
You'll know when to do the distraction, okay?
- Okay. - But when it's time,
- you distract. - Oh!
You got it, man.
I'll be a distraction.
Hello, and welcome!
I am the resident magician, Magic Blake,
and this is my beautiful assistant, Magic Carl.
We start off with a card trick.
You, sir, what's your name?
Let me guess, Waymond.
How'd I know? Go ahead and pick a card, Waymond.
Okay, what is the card?
Don't tell me. Actually, don't you ever tell me,
all right? Put it back in the deck,
anywhere in the deck. Now...
Magic Carl is gonna go to the other side of the stage,
and I'm gonna go to the other other side of the stage
and visualize the card.
Now, please, please make sure that my assistant, Magic Carl,
is placing that deck very, very far away.
Distract 'em. Distract 'em.
Okay, so I'm just visualizing.
Nothing to see, really, over here.
It's just me thinking, visualizing, boring.
And what... Okay. Whoa!
Okay, whoa. What are you doing?
What are you... What are you doing?
I'm just doing what feels right, okay?
This is not right. Please put your pants back on.
- God, fine! - Family show.
There's no kids here, is there?
Well, I'm just saying...
There's no kids here.
All right, stop.
These are my best pants.
I'm ruining my belt now. Great.
But she is sexy.
24, your bet.
I don't have any money left.
I guess I should go.
What? No, don't do that.
I will walk you to the ATM.
It's about three miles away. We should get going.
I mean, this ring is worth 5,000.
Can I gamble that?
Yes, you can.
No, no, no, no. $5,000? We can't...
Pit boss DeMamp, please get to the back of the house now.
Yes, and I will definitely be right there, boss.
Tang, can I see your shoe?
Adam, we cannot handle that bet.
Do not take that bet.
Adam!
And I visualized this.
Queen of hearts, what do you say?
Waymond, is that your card?
No?
Okay, there had to be a mix-up somewhere...
This is my show now, baby.
They want to see my dick.
Helicopter your wang!
Got it, buddy. That's all I want to do.
Stop, guys. Next trick. Carl, get in the box.
No, you get in the box, man.
This is puppetry of the penis, it's so hot right now.
They love it! They love it.
If you could just please get in the box.
- You get in the box. - Don't do that!
Get in the box, Magic Blake. Get in the box, Magic Blake.
Carl, stop! Please, this is my show!
- Whoo! - Please!
- Shh. - Stop encouraging him, please.
Where is he? This is not part of the show.
Please, where are you, Carl?
What was that?
Okay, I'm done.
You can do your next trick now.
- And back to Magic Blake. - I'm gonna kill you, you stupid idiot.
I'm gonna kill you! I'm gonna kill you.
- That's not magic. - I'm sorry, dude.
I'll cut your freaking dick off, then.
My eye itches.
Ladies and gentlemen, we're gonna take a short
five-minute intermission.
Why does it itch? Is it bleeding?
- Is it bleeding? - It's fine.
Why did you do that?
I just need to verify the authenticity of this ring.
Yep, that's real. That is very hard.
Actually hurt my tooth a little bit.
Diane, would you mind getting this angel some chips?
- Changing 5,000. - Whoo!
- Spend up, guys. - No, stop. Adam, don't.
We can't cover that.
Ders, just trust the math, okay?
As you know, the house always wins.
Blackjack.
Oh, my God!
Well, that's the most fun I've had all week.
I'll cash out now, fellas, if you don't mind.
I always knew math was a hoax.
So we don't have it, your money,
but we could probably cover half.
Half? I'm sorry.
That's not how this sort of thing works.
We can cover the other half with IOUs and prizes.
Have you ever been to a fondue restaurant?
We'll take you to one every Sunday for a month.
The Melting Pot, have you been there?
Of course she has, for our 13th wedding anniversary.
Hi, honey, how was work?
Not bad, babe.
What is happening right now?
You know Laura?
Of course I do. She's my wife.
These ass wipes owe us five grand.
Is that right?
We do, but five grand, we can't pay that.
- We don't have that. - We don't have that kind of money.
Wanna snap into a Slim Jim?
You got this house.
You want your house back,
you give me my five grand.
Till then, get the fuck out of my new casino.
Well, that was a disaster.
Magic Carl just sexually assaulted my face.
Yeah.
Oh, hello.
I don't believe we've met.
I'm Magic Blake, in-house entertainment.
Pleasure.
I hate sleeping on the floor.
Only slept for, like, seven hours or something.
You can thank Adam for that
and for taking the world's dumbest bet.
There's table limits for a reason.
And there it is right there, classic Ders,
passing the blame when you're too busy smacking off
to realize that I need proper supervision.
That's on you, but that dude never would've punked us
if we were all alphas, Blake.
I get it. I am a beta B-word, yes,
but, you know, maybe I thought you guys, my alpha dogs,
would protect me, okay?
But you guys are so busy fighting each other,
you can't even come up with a good plan.
Blake, I'm a hound dog,
and I'm gonna howl at the moon,
and I shouldn't have to worry about protecting you, okay?
It might be time for us to not be alpha dogs anymore
and start being alpha lions.
We are all kinds of animals, me and you.
Here's the plan,
sneak in through the crawl space
and then saw through the bathroom floor.
Right, but also the plan is to play music
off my Bluetooth shower speakers
through my phone so that they don't hear us sawing...
Sawing into the bathroom floor
so we can get the floor safe and use it
as a bargaining chip for Frank and get the house back.
And go to the timber sports tournament,
and we bring sexy back.
- Okay, as The Woodsmen... - Right, yeah.
Parentheses, not the pedophile movie
but, like, badasses who can knock a deer out
with one punch, close parentheses.
Okay. Here is the spot.
Okay.
Whoa, dude, huge wasps' nest.
Just stay back. Give me the saw, all right?
Okay, no,
I carried the saw the whole way, so I should get to saw first.
Dude, I saw first. You saw second.
That was the deal.
Yeah, 'cause I'm the closer, good call. Here you go.
- Whatever. - Yeah, I close.
All right. Let me just make a little groove here.
Get up in there.
Oh, yeah!
- Long and lean, baby. - Long and strong.
Long strides, let's go.
Okay, here, you're about halfway. My turn.
No, I'm kind of in a groove. Just back off.
Stop! Dude, I'm not...
- Let me saw! - Oh.
Wasps, wasps!
Shh, be quiet! Ow!
They can hear us! Quiet!
Shut up!
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Adam, They're biting me!
Ow! Save me!
Ow! Ow!
Cover the hole! Cover the hole.
Oh, you are so slow at sawing.
Oh, you look bad. You look bad
- like pepperoni... - One, two...
- Hey. - What up?
We just stopped by to check things out,
make sure it's going well.
- We're gonna get out of your hair. - Yeah.
Uh, do you mind if we head out the front door, though?
Because bee problem down there.
- Yeah, it's a wasp sitch, so take care. - Watch your step.
- Thanks for your time. - Excuse me.
Grab 'em.
- You don't have to. - Ow!
Okay.
Ow, ow.
Hey, asswipes, let my friends go.
Good.
You're just in time for the ass kicking.
Oh, yeah?
Letting your dogs do your dirty work?
You've gone soft, Frank.
Excuse me?
You, me, mano-a-mano, one on one.
High-stakes pokey.
I win, you guys get the hell out of our house.
- You win... - Which he definitely will, Blake.
Shut up. Shut the hell up.
There's the deed to the old crib, huh?
Blake, no offense, but you don't know how to gamble.
Shut the hell up! Okay?
We did your plan.
Your guys' plan didn't work, all right?
So now it's my turn to make the plans.
I'm the plan maker now, alpha dog style.
I don't give a fuck.
Start at the penis!
Start at my penis.
I'll tell you what.
You fold right now,
and I'll give you another shot at that shrimp buffet
before you hit the road and don't come back.
I'll tell you what.
You fold right now,
and I'll give you another crack at the shrimp buffet
before you go home, you.
That's exactly what I said.
Gentlemen, your card.
Full boat, sixes over aces.
- Oh, damn it, Blake. - Ah, Blake!
They have fricking shrimps, dude.
7 and 8 diamond.
That straight flush, the high hand.
- Oh, my God, we won! - I won? We won?
- All right! - We won!
Oh, my God.
You got bluffed.
Ah, but, yeah, dude, you got to go, I guess.
- Bye. - Bye-bye.
Let me be very clear.
If I find out you guys start running another table out of this house,
I will come back here and break your goddamn necks.
- You can bet on it. - Bet.
Oh, that was pretty funny bringing bet back.
And I'm absolutely fucking serious.
- Yeah, duly noted. - Truly noted, even.
- Let's go. - Thanks, Frank.
Hey, thank you so much...
- Good job, Goonie. - Thanks.
Hey, good dealing out there.
Just put these chairs in here.
Love the hair, man.
Friends don't let friends get haircuts.
- Karate kick. - Yeah, bud!
What the frick, man?
You did it. Oh, wait a second.
Dude, did you have, like, a card up your sleeve
'cause you've been studying magic for your shows,
picked up some tricks?
- That's smart. - Way alpha.
No, actually, I didn't.
I just kind of bet it all.
Yeah, put my nuts on the table, and then I did the damn thing.
So you could've lost everything.
Yeah.
But who's the alpha dog now?
I guess we still are, because you only did, like,
one alpha dog thing.
And we do alpha shit, like, every day, boy!
Alpha dogs, sound off!
Hoo-rah!
Hoo, hoo, hoo!
Hoo-rah! Hoo-rah, hoo-rah! Hoo-rah!
Nice.
Beta bitch right here.
- Beta bitch, beta bitch. - Who's the beta bitch?
- Beta bitch, beta bitch. - You the beta bitch.
Beta bitch, beta bitch.
Beta, beta, beta...
- You beta bitch, you beta bitch. - Beta, beta, beta.
- Stop. - You beta bitch, you beta bitch.
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll