1 00:00:00,523 --> 00:00:02,857 From the moment your kids are born, 2 00:00:02,893 --> 00:00:05,026 you dread the fact that one day they'll leave you. 3 00:00:05,617 --> 00:00:07,516 And then they do, 4 00:00:07,552 --> 00:00:10,786 and it's just as bad as you thought it'd be. 5 00:00:10,822 --> 00:00:13,823 I just want you to remember that you're special, 6 00:00:13,858 --> 00:00:16,258 and you'll always be my little girl. 7 00:00:16,633 --> 00:00:19,133 Two forms of birth control. 8 00:00:19,169 --> 00:00:21,436 And men are like basketball players... 9 00:00:21,471 --> 00:00:22,804 they dribble before they shoot. 10 00:00:22,839 --> 00:00:23,805 Martina! 11 00:00:23,840 --> 00:00:25,306 It's reality, Mike. 12 00:00:25,342 --> 00:00:26,474 Bye, guys. 13 00:00:26,509 --> 00:00:27,608 - Bye. - I'll miss you. 14 00:00:27,644 --> 00:00:29,243 I'll miss you too. 15 00:00:29,279 --> 00:00:30,311 - Bye, Dad. - Love you, kid. 16 00:00:30,347 --> 00:00:32,080 Love you. 17 00:00:35,051 --> 00:00:38,186 Well, at least now we know what it's like. 18 00:00:38,221 --> 00:00:40,488 The next one will be easier. 19 00:00:40,523 --> 00:00:42,657 [crying] 20 00:00:42,692 --> 00:00:45,226 Oh, my sweet baby. 21 00:00:45,261 --> 00:00:48,196 [sobbing] 22 00:00:52,836 --> 00:00:55,803 [sobbing louder] 23 00:01:01,578 --> 00:01:04,145 What are you looking at? 24 00:01:04,180 --> 00:01:05,146 It's just us now! 25 00:01:05,181 --> 00:01:06,180 We're alone! 26 00:01:06,216 --> 00:01:08,816 [crying] 27 00:01:14,858 --> 00:01:16,657 Wow. 28 00:01:16,693 --> 00:01:19,594 The empty nest. 29 00:01:19,629 --> 00:01:22,830 We're gonna die in this house. 30 00:01:22,866 --> 00:01:24,665 I need alcohol. 31 00:01:24,701 --> 00:01:26,868 But it's only 10:00 a.m. 32 00:01:26,903 --> 00:01:28,102 Well, on the other hand, 33 00:01:28,138 --> 00:01:30,071 we don't have to drive anybody anywhere. 34 00:01:30,106 --> 00:01:32,640 Or cook anyone dinner, 35 00:01:32,675 --> 00:01:34,509 or set a good freakin' example. 36 00:01:34,544 --> 00:01:37,278 Hey, we don't have to say "freakin'" anymore! 37 00:01:37,313 --> 00:01:40,448 We can swear when we want, drink when we want, 38 00:01:40,483 --> 00:01:43,551 have sex when we want, 39 00:01:43,586 --> 00:01:46,721 and have sex when we want. 40 00:01:46,756 --> 00:01:49,490 There's a reason I said that twice. 41 00:01:49,526 --> 00:01:51,392 This could be good. 42 00:01:51,428 --> 00:01:54,996 This could be really good. 43 00:01:55,031 --> 00:02:00,601 ♪ It might seem crazy what I'm bout to say ♪ 44 00:02:00,637 --> 00:02:02,737 ♪ Sunshine, she's here, you can take a break ♪ 45 00:02:02,772 --> 00:02:05,573 Finally getting rid of the play room. 46 00:02:05,608 --> 00:02:07,208 Turn it into a media room. 47 00:02:07,243 --> 00:02:09,210 Big-ass plasma. 48 00:02:09,245 --> 00:02:11,546 I'm gonna have an old timey popcorn machine, 49 00:02:11,581 --> 00:02:13,648 one of those big chairs with the cup holders. 50 00:02:13,683 --> 00:02:17,285 I'll be just like a Hollywood douchebag. 51 00:02:17,320 --> 00:02:18,786 [sniffing] 52 00:02:18,822 --> 00:02:20,421 [gasps] 53 00:02:20,457 --> 00:02:22,090 Look what I found. 54 00:02:22,125 --> 00:02:23,091 That's pot. 55 00:02:23,126 --> 00:02:24,258 Our kids were doing drugs? 56 00:02:24,294 --> 00:02:26,260 Mike! Martina! 57 00:02:26,296 --> 00:02:27,261 It's your parents! 58 00:02:27,297 --> 00:02:29,464 Hide the pot! 59 00:02:29,499 --> 00:02:32,567 Wow, I just felt so young. 60 00:02:32,602 --> 00:02:33,734 - Bob? - What? 61 00:02:33,770 --> 00:02:35,903 - They're in the playroom! - What? 62 00:02:35,939 --> 00:02:37,538 The playroom! 63 00:02:37,574 --> 00:02:40,141 They're fine. 64 00:02:40,176 --> 00:02:41,709 Alice, again, the key that we made 65 00:02:41,744 --> 00:02:43,945 for you and Dad was for emergencies. 66 00:02:43,980 --> 00:02:45,847 We knocked on the door, and you didn't answer. 67 00:02:45,882 --> 00:02:48,282 It could have been an emergency. 68 00:02:48,318 --> 00:02:50,084 Why didn't you just ring the bell? 69 00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:51,085 Ring the bell? 70 00:02:51,121 --> 00:02:54,422 Child please, we're family. 71 00:02:54,457 --> 00:02:57,391 Family doesn't ring the bell. 72 00:02:57,427 --> 00:02:58,759 Oh, hey, Pop. 73 00:02:58,795 --> 00:03:02,363 Oh, good, you're finally cleaning this room. 74 00:03:02,398 --> 00:03:05,333 You didn't have all these toys when you were a kid. 75 00:03:05,368 --> 00:03:07,668 I know. 76 00:03:07,704 --> 00:03:09,370 You spoiled those girls. 77 00:03:09,405 --> 00:03:10,838 You know, when Mike was young, 78 00:03:10,874 --> 00:03:13,474 I taught him how to do military sheet corners. 79 00:03:13,510 --> 00:03:15,877 He couldn't go out to play until I could bounce a coin 80 00:03:15,912 --> 00:03:17,645 off his tightly made bed. 81 00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:21,182 I still get a little tense when I see a quarter. 82 00:03:21,217 --> 00:03:23,417 We tried to help with Stella and Shea. 83 00:03:23,453 --> 00:03:26,888 Yes, you were here all the time. 84 00:03:26,923 --> 00:03:29,056 Well, we're headed to the store. 85 00:03:29,092 --> 00:03:31,092 We'll bring you back some doughnuts. 86 00:03:31,127 --> 00:03:32,860 Alice, we don't eat doughnuts. 87 00:03:32,896 --> 00:03:34,662 And you know I'm gluten free. 88 00:03:34,697 --> 00:03:37,765 Oh, that nonsense. 89 00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:40,902 That's why you're so skinny. 90 00:03:40,937 --> 00:03:42,336 I don't think I'm too skinny. 91 00:03:42,372 --> 00:03:46,040 You can't see your own skinny. 92 00:03:46,075 --> 00:03:47,508 It's like smelling your own breath. 93 00:03:47,544 --> 00:03:50,244 You need someone else to tell you that it's bad. 94 00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:53,247 Mike, I'll pick you up some breath mints. 95 00:03:55,185 --> 00:03:56,918 When are you gonna stand up to them? 96 00:03:56,953 --> 00:03:58,753 Well, I've always said "soon," 97 00:03:58,788 --> 00:04:02,123 but now that they're moving, I can give the truthful answer: 98 00:04:02,158 --> 00:04:04,592 never. 99 00:04:04,627 --> 00:04:07,495 So what are we gonna do with this? 100 00:04:07,530 --> 00:04:10,498 [Tommy James & the Shondells' "Crimson and Clover"] 101 00:04:10,533 --> 00:04:13,801 ♪ Now I don't hardly know her ♪ 102 00:04:13,836 --> 00:04:15,136 ♪ ♪ 103 00:04:15,171 --> 00:04:19,540 What if "Horton Hears a Who!" is real? 104 00:04:19,576 --> 00:04:22,910 Deep. 105 00:04:22,946 --> 00:04:26,714 You know what's great about smoking pot when you're older? 106 00:04:26,749 --> 00:04:28,182 You don't get paranoid. 107 00:04:28,218 --> 00:04:29,217 [chuckles] 108 00:04:29,252 --> 00:04:30,218 [rustling at door] 109 00:04:30,253 --> 00:04:31,219 It's the cops! 110 00:04:31,254 --> 00:04:32,253 [screams] 111 00:04:38,328 --> 00:04:41,295 [door unlocking] 112 00:04:41,331 --> 00:04:42,797 Oh, thank God you're home. 113 00:04:42,832 --> 00:04:44,865 - Stella? - Brace yourselves. 114 00:04:44,901 --> 00:04:46,434 I left Justin. 115 00:04:46,469 --> 00:04:48,869 We had this big fight, and he's dead to me. 116 00:04:48,905 --> 00:04:50,037 Is he dead to everyone? 117 00:04:50,073 --> 00:04:52,306 Did you kill him? 118 00:04:52,342 --> 00:04:55,042 Answer your father. 119 00:04:55,078 --> 00:04:56,577 What is wrong with you guys? 120 00:04:56,613 --> 00:04:57,578 Nothing. 121 00:04:57,614 --> 00:04:58,579 I could really use a pizza, 122 00:04:58,615 --> 00:05:00,581 but go on. 123 00:05:00,617 --> 00:05:02,049 Okay. 124 00:05:02,085 --> 00:05:04,252 Well, I'm here because I'm not getting any acting jobs, 125 00:05:04,287 --> 00:05:06,887 and my YouTube videos don't get enough hits. 126 00:05:06,923 --> 00:05:08,723 Being an adult is hard. 127 00:05:08,758 --> 00:05:11,659 Plus, I miss you guys, so I was wondering... 128 00:05:11,694 --> 00:05:14,428 Hello, all. 129 00:05:14,464 --> 00:05:15,529 Forgive the surprise. 130 00:05:15,565 --> 00:05:17,265 Shea, what are you doing here? 131 00:05:17,300 --> 00:05:19,700 - I'm moving back home. - What? 132 00:05:19,736 --> 00:05:22,136 But I told you I was coming here today to move back home. 133 00:05:22,171 --> 00:05:23,971 What? 134 00:05:24,007 --> 00:05:26,607 Yes, but I reasoned that the cumulative impact on them 135 00:05:26,643 --> 00:05:28,342 would be reduced if it were simultaneous 136 00:05:28,378 --> 00:05:29,844 rather than staggered. 137 00:05:29,879 --> 00:05:33,247 Ew, Shea, you don't just break into someone's scene. 138 00:05:36,052 --> 00:05:37,618 We're not in a movie, Stella. 139 00:05:37,654 --> 00:05:39,220 This is the real world. 140 00:05:39,255 --> 00:05:41,689 A world where, thanks to this country's hatred of science, 141 00:05:41,724 --> 00:05:43,624 the funding for my job has been eliminated. 142 00:05:43,660 --> 00:05:48,529 So like 23.8% of people between the ages of 22 and 31, 143 00:05:48,564 --> 00:05:50,531 I've determined the most logical course of action 144 00:05:50,566 --> 00:05:54,268 in this economy is to move back in with my parents. 145 00:05:54,304 --> 00:05:56,270 And because of the broad number of young people doing this, 146 00:05:56,306 --> 00:05:59,507 there's no longer the social stigma attached. 147 00:05:59,542 --> 00:06:00,574 Is she done? 148 00:06:00,610 --> 00:06:03,911 I can never tell when she's done. 149 00:06:03,946 --> 00:06:05,346 I'm the one who should move back in. 150 00:06:05,381 --> 00:06:07,415 Mom and Dad are like my best friends. 151 00:06:07,450 --> 00:06:09,750 They're my only friends. 152 00:06:09,786 --> 00:06:12,119 Girls, girls, don't fight. 153 00:06:12,155 --> 00:06:15,122 You're equally disappointing both of us. 154 00:06:15,158 --> 00:06:16,357 [knocking at door] 155 00:06:16,392 --> 00:06:17,358 Hello? 156 00:06:17,393 --> 00:06:18,759 We hear voices in there! 157 00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:20,094 Oh, boy. 158 00:06:20,129 --> 00:06:21,095 It's Grandma! 159 00:06:21,130 --> 00:06:22,196 Oh! 160 00:06:22,231 --> 00:06:24,432 Are you girls here for our anniversary dinner? 161 00:06:24,467 --> 00:06:26,634 Oh, no, I'm moving back home today. 162 00:06:26,669 --> 00:06:28,235 So am I. 163 00:06:28,271 --> 00:06:31,405 Well, we certainly can't move to Florida now. 164 00:06:33,943 --> 00:06:36,243 It looks like you need us again. 165 00:06:36,279 --> 00:06:37,745 Who wants doughnuts? 166 00:06:37,780 --> 00:06:39,046 - I do! - Me. 167 00:06:39,082 --> 00:06:40,715 They're back. 168 00:06:40,750 --> 00:06:43,150 They're all back! 169 00:06:43,186 --> 00:06:44,552 It's a nightmare. 170 00:06:44,587 --> 00:06:47,421 It's a [bleep] disaster! 171 00:06:47,457 --> 00:06:51,425 Oh, God, we can't say [bleep] anymore. 172 00:06:51,461 --> 00:06:52,760 Where are you going? 173 00:06:52,795 --> 00:06:55,396 There's doughnuts. 174 00:06:55,431 --> 00:06:58,399 [upbeat music] 175 00:06:58,434 --> 00:07:03,938 ♪ ♪ 176 00:07:07,175 --> 00:07:07,208 . 177 00:07:08,810 --> 00:07:10,277 [upbeat music] 178 00:07:10,313 --> 00:07:12,179 Hey, you got a passenger. 179 00:07:12,215 --> 00:07:13,481 Real slacker type. 180 00:07:13,516 --> 00:07:16,250 Sounds like my daughter's boyfriend. 181 00:07:16,285 --> 00:07:19,153 It is my daughter's boyfriend. 182 00:07:19,188 --> 00:07:20,488 [knock at door] 183 00:07:20,523 --> 00:07:21,956 Ugh, that knock. 184 00:07:21,991 --> 00:07:24,625 Come in, Justin. 185 00:07:24,660 --> 00:07:25,593 Hey. 186 00:07:25,628 --> 00:07:26,861 Hey. 187 00:07:26,896 --> 00:07:27,928 Here's how you knock. 188 00:07:27,964 --> 00:07:28,929 [knocking] 189 00:07:28,965 --> 00:07:30,464 It's not... 190 00:07:30,500 --> 00:07:31,465 [single knock] 191 00:07:31,501 --> 00:07:32,533 Well, why? 192 00:07:32,568 --> 00:07:34,935 Because we as a society have decided 193 00:07:34,971 --> 00:07:36,103 that's how you knock. 194 00:07:36,139 --> 00:07:37,138 What are you doing here? 195 00:07:37,173 --> 00:07:38,372 I miss Stella. 196 00:07:38,408 --> 00:07:40,141 I was hoping you'd help me get her back. 197 00:07:40,176 --> 00:07:42,743 Look, Justin, no man thinks any guy 198 00:07:42,779 --> 00:07:44,145 is good enough for his little girl, 199 00:07:44,180 --> 00:07:45,346 and then I met you and... 200 00:07:45,381 --> 00:07:47,014 please don't take this the wrong way... 201 00:07:47,049 --> 00:07:50,351 but I thought, "He's not even close." 202 00:07:50,386 --> 00:07:51,852 I mean, do you even have a job? 203 00:07:51,888 --> 00:07:53,454 I have something better than a job: 204 00:07:53,489 --> 00:07:55,489 an idea for an app. 205 00:07:55,525 --> 00:07:57,224 Everyone with the apps. 206 00:07:57,260 --> 00:07:58,793 Yeah, it's awesome. 207 00:07:58,828 --> 00:08:02,630 But figuring out how to actually make it is super hard. 208 00:08:02,665 --> 00:08:04,799 Look, that's the problem with people your age. 209 00:08:04,834 --> 00:08:06,100 Once it gets hard, you quit. 210 00:08:06,135 --> 00:08:07,835 You got to stick with things. 211 00:08:07,870 --> 00:08:09,336 I like that. 212 00:08:09,372 --> 00:08:10,905 Could you text that to me? 213 00:08:10,940 --> 00:08:12,406 Get out. 214 00:08:12,442 --> 00:08:14,508 What happens if I push this button? 215 00:08:14,544 --> 00:08:17,011 That'll get you out even faster. 216 00:08:17,046 --> 00:08:19,013 Push it. 217 00:08:19,048 --> 00:08:22,817 ♪ ♪ 218 00:08:22,852 --> 00:08:23,784 [sighs] 219 00:08:23,820 --> 00:08:25,119 What a mess. 220 00:08:25,154 --> 00:08:26,987 Ugh. 221 00:08:27,023 --> 00:08:28,522 We spent so much time teaching the girls 222 00:08:28,558 --> 00:08:29,890 how special they are. 223 00:08:29,926 --> 00:08:32,626 Why didn't we teach them how to shut a cabinet door? 224 00:08:32,662 --> 00:08:35,529 Why do we buy free range chicken? 225 00:08:35,565 --> 00:08:38,599 I mean, how free are they really? 226 00:08:38,634 --> 00:08:43,204 It's not like they're letting them walk into town. 227 00:08:43,239 --> 00:08:46,006 Speaking of freeing things... 228 00:08:46,042 --> 00:08:47,274 Mike, stop it. 229 00:08:47,310 --> 00:08:49,376 We are not asking the girls to leave. 230 00:08:49,412 --> 00:08:51,378 They're hurting right now, and they need us. 231 00:08:51,414 --> 00:08:52,880 Okay. 232 00:08:52,915 --> 00:08:54,515 Hey, it's quiet. 233 00:08:54,550 --> 00:08:55,749 [sighs] 234 00:08:55,785 --> 00:08:57,952 Maybe we can have the place to ourselves. 235 00:08:57,987 --> 00:08:58,953 Mom? 236 00:08:58,988 --> 00:09:00,654 Mom? 237 00:09:00,690 --> 00:09:02,556 Tell Shea she's never gonna get a date with Carter 238 00:09:02,592 --> 00:09:05,159 if she texts like a dorky virgin. 239 00:09:05,194 --> 00:09:09,129 Let me see what you wrote, honey. 240 00:09:09,165 --> 00:09:10,764 "I'm interested in dating you. 241 00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,600 Do you share similar feelings?" 242 00:09:12,635 --> 00:09:14,802 Ooh, that's bad. 243 00:09:14,837 --> 00:09:16,203 I know. 244 00:09:16,239 --> 00:09:18,873 But Stella wants me to text "Hang sometime?" 245 00:09:18,908 --> 00:09:20,107 I can't send that. 246 00:09:20,142 --> 00:09:21,809 It's a meaningless statement. 247 00:09:21,844 --> 00:09:23,444 Shea, you have to put yourself out there, 248 00:09:23,479 --> 00:09:24,512 be sexy, 249 00:09:24,547 --> 00:09:26,847 and stop dressing like Daria. 250 00:09:26,883 --> 00:09:29,350 I've put myself out there with Carter. 251 00:09:29,385 --> 00:09:31,552 Last week, he was making an AU calculation 252 00:09:31,587 --> 00:09:33,654 that would have been off by thousands of parsecs, 253 00:09:33,689 --> 00:09:35,890 and I thoughtfully pointed out his mistake. 254 00:09:35,925 --> 00:09:37,858 That's love. 255 00:09:37,894 --> 00:09:39,894 Is she done? 256 00:09:39,929 --> 00:09:43,364 I can never tell when she's done. 257 00:09:43,399 --> 00:09:45,533 You never correct a man you like. 258 00:09:45,568 --> 00:09:47,334 Really? 259 00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:53,407 Look, men are like balloons. 260 00:09:53,442 --> 00:09:55,075 They don't want anyone to pop them 261 00:09:55,111 --> 00:09:57,645 and show that it's all just air inside. 262 00:09:57,680 --> 00:09:59,580 All you got to do is fill that balloon 263 00:09:59,615 --> 00:10:01,749 with what they want to hear. 264 00:10:01,784 --> 00:10:02,716 It's like how for Dad, 265 00:10:02,752 --> 00:10:04,618 you act all excited about the Mets. 266 00:10:04,654 --> 00:10:06,620 Hey, I never pushed Shea to be a Mets fan. 267 00:10:06,656 --> 00:10:10,457 You named me after their stadium. 268 00:10:10,493 --> 00:10:13,027 But I love the Mets because you love them. 269 00:10:13,062 --> 00:10:14,428 That's my girl. 270 00:10:14,463 --> 00:10:18,165 Okay, it works. 271 00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:19,600 "Hang sometime?" 272 00:10:19,635 --> 00:10:22,469 And send. 273 00:10:22,505 --> 00:10:23,470 Thank you. 274 00:10:23,506 --> 00:10:24,705 Any time. 275 00:10:24,740 --> 00:10:25,940 If you know all this, how come you can't 276 00:10:25,975 --> 00:10:27,341 work things out with Justin? 277 00:10:27,376 --> 00:10:29,176 It's just super hard when two brilliant, 278 00:10:29,211 --> 00:10:32,046 complex artists get together. 279 00:10:32,081 --> 00:10:35,282 We're still talking about you and Justin? 280 00:10:35,318 --> 00:10:37,918 Look, Stella, why don't you forget about boys 281 00:10:37,954 --> 00:10:40,788 and focus on what you're gonna do with your life? 282 00:10:40,823 --> 00:10:42,122 Maybe you're right. 283 00:10:42,158 --> 00:10:46,293 I mean, I have a degree in theater arts. 284 00:10:46,329 --> 00:10:48,362 It's crazy that I'm not using it. 285 00:10:48,397 --> 00:10:51,365 Oh, you're using it some. 286 00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,567 I'm a singer and an actress. 287 00:10:53,603 --> 00:10:55,569 That's like having two lottery tickets. 288 00:10:55,605 --> 00:10:56,770 Yes. 289 00:10:56,806 --> 00:10:59,807 As valuable as two lottery tickets. 290 00:10:59,842 --> 00:11:01,075 Hey, let's all do something. 291 00:11:01,110 --> 00:11:03,077 We could watch a movie like when we were kids. 292 00:11:03,112 --> 00:11:04,812 Perhaps a Disney princess movie. 293 00:11:04,847 --> 00:11:06,246 Not "Beauty and the Beast." 294 00:11:06,282 --> 00:11:08,582 Belle is so basic. 295 00:11:08,618 --> 00:11:10,017 Don't you put down Belle. 296 00:11:10,052 --> 00:11:13,053 She was willing to marry an animal to get a good library. 297 00:11:14,991 --> 00:11:15,956 [sighs] 298 00:11:15,992 --> 00:11:17,157 I'm exhausted. 299 00:11:17,193 --> 00:11:20,694 I forgot how much energy parenting takes. 300 00:11:20,730 --> 00:11:24,031 But they like us. 301 00:11:24,066 --> 00:11:26,000 They really do. 302 00:11:26,035 --> 00:11:28,369 How do we get away from them? 303 00:11:31,605 --> 00:11:33,205 A naked woman in bed with me, 304 00:11:33,241 --> 00:11:36,876 the only reason I ever do anything. 305 00:11:36,911 --> 00:11:40,946 Lying, sneaking off to a hotel. 306 00:11:40,982 --> 00:11:43,582 We're like Stella in high school. 307 00:11:43,618 --> 00:11:45,117 No kid talk. 308 00:11:45,153 --> 00:11:46,218 That was the deal. 309 00:11:46,254 --> 00:11:47,853 Oh, yeah. 310 00:11:47,889 --> 00:11:49,822 [cell phone vibrating] 311 00:11:49,857 --> 00:11:53,092 Whoever it is, they can wait five minutes. 312 00:11:53,127 --> 00:11:55,394 I mean, 45 minutes. 313 00:11:55,430 --> 00:11:58,864 But it could be the girls. 314 00:11:58,900 --> 00:12:00,299 It's Shea. 315 00:12:00,335 --> 00:12:03,769 Oh, Carter hasn't texted back. 316 00:12:03,805 --> 00:12:06,405 [cell phone vibrates] 317 00:12:06,441 --> 00:12:07,707 Now it's Stella. 318 00:12:07,742 --> 00:12:09,975 Justin got tagged in a picture with some girl. 319 00:12:10,011 --> 00:12:13,679 Oh, God, my poor babies. 320 00:12:13,715 --> 00:12:16,449 Okay. 321 00:12:16,484 --> 00:12:17,450 No, no, look. 322 00:12:17,485 --> 00:12:19,218 You're gonna do that thing now 323 00:12:19,253 --> 00:12:20,486 where you're thinking about the kids 324 00:12:20,521 --> 00:12:22,555 when we're about to have sex. 325 00:12:22,590 --> 00:12:24,590 I'm gonna be doing some of my best work, 326 00:12:24,625 --> 00:12:27,760 and you're gonna have this worried look in your eyes. 327 00:12:27,795 --> 00:12:28,994 I can't help it. 328 00:12:29,030 --> 00:12:31,831 A mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child. 329 00:12:31,866 --> 00:12:34,900 What about her unhappiest husband? 330 00:12:34,936 --> 00:12:36,068 We should probably just go. 331 00:12:36,104 --> 00:12:37,069 Why? 332 00:12:37,105 --> 00:12:38,637 But that's not fair. 333 00:12:38,673 --> 00:12:39,972 I want to do this. 334 00:12:40,007 --> 00:12:41,273 Don't you get it? 335 00:12:41,309 --> 00:12:44,343 The fun is over. 336 00:12:44,379 --> 00:12:45,644 I mean, this is supposed to be our time, 337 00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:47,847 but it is their time again. 338 00:12:47,882 --> 00:12:49,648 Oh, my God, you're right. 339 00:12:49,684 --> 00:12:51,984 This is our life now, isn't it? 340 00:12:52,019 --> 00:12:53,185 And you know whose fault it is? 341 00:12:53,221 --> 00:12:54,520 It's ours. We did this. 342 00:12:54,555 --> 00:12:57,256 We made them our friends. 343 00:12:57,291 --> 00:12:58,791 We were so involved in their lives. 344 00:12:58,826 --> 00:13:01,961 We listened, we supported, we validated. 345 00:13:01,996 --> 00:13:03,529 We blew it. 346 00:13:03,564 --> 00:13:05,731 Now we have to sneak off to a hotel room 347 00:13:05,767 --> 00:13:07,099 to get away from them. 348 00:13:07,135 --> 00:13:10,569 If we only spanked them once, we could've saved $200. 349 00:13:10,605 --> 00:13:11,971 We could've saved a boatload more 350 00:13:12,006 --> 00:13:14,140 if we'd done what my father did and just left. 351 00:13:14,175 --> 00:13:15,808 It's too late for that. 352 00:13:15,843 --> 00:13:16,942 Okay, I'm in. 353 00:13:16,978 --> 00:13:18,043 They got to go. 354 00:13:18,079 --> 00:13:19,245 And your parents. 355 00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:20,413 All right, here's the deal. 356 00:13:20,448 --> 00:13:21,981 Tomorrow is their anniversary party. 357 00:13:22,016 --> 00:13:23,516 We get everybody together, 358 00:13:23,551 --> 00:13:24,984 we tell them how much we love them, 359 00:13:25,019 --> 00:13:26,485 and then we kick them to the curb. 360 00:13:26,521 --> 00:13:27,753 Deal. 361 00:13:27,789 --> 00:13:29,088 All right. 362 00:13:29,123 --> 00:13:32,291 Now let's get our 200 bucks' worth. 363 00:13:32,326 --> 00:13:36,228 ♪ ♪ 364 00:13:36,264 --> 00:13:39,365 Oh, this one is from Mike and Martina. 365 00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:42,435 I bet it's that scarf I've been hinting at. 366 00:13:42,470 --> 00:13:43,969 Oh. 367 00:13:44,005 --> 00:13:47,406 Look, Bob, it's some sort of coupon. 368 00:13:47,442 --> 00:13:48,741 It's airline miles. 369 00:13:48,776 --> 00:13:50,943 Yes, we gifted you our miles 370 00:13:50,978 --> 00:13:54,079 so that when you do decide to move to Florida, 371 00:13:54,115 --> 00:13:57,249 you can upgrade to first class if there's a seat available. 372 00:13:57,285 --> 00:13:59,852 If there's a seat? 373 00:13:59,887 --> 00:14:01,921 So we go to the airport with no idea 374 00:14:01,956 --> 00:14:04,523 where we're going to sit, and then just announce ourselves 375 00:14:04,559 --> 00:14:06,025 like we think we're so great? 376 00:14:06,060 --> 00:14:08,461 I don't think first class is for us. 377 00:14:08,496 --> 00:14:10,229 We'd be uncomfortable. 378 00:14:10,264 --> 00:14:12,531 But there's more room, and you get to board first. 379 00:14:12,567 --> 00:14:14,967 But then we'd have to watch the other passengers go by us. 380 00:14:15,002 --> 00:14:16,969 Everybody hates those first class people 381 00:14:17,004 --> 00:14:18,337 when they walk by them. 382 00:14:18,372 --> 00:14:20,606 We'd be the people they hate! 383 00:14:20,641 --> 00:14:23,209 Look, let's just call this a bad gift and move on. 384 00:14:26,514 --> 00:14:30,015 Well, gifts aside, I would like to make a toast. 385 00:14:30,051 --> 00:14:31,917 You know, multi-generational events like this 386 00:14:31,953 --> 00:14:34,386 remind one of the natural order of things. 387 00:14:34,422 --> 00:14:36,121 First you're a child. 388 00:14:36,157 --> 00:14:38,357 Then you grow older, and eventually you leave home 389 00:14:38,392 --> 00:14:40,292 and stand proudly upon your own two feet, 390 00:14:40,328 --> 00:14:43,863 taking any job you can, even if it's not your dream. 391 00:14:43,898 --> 00:14:47,299 And then you grow old, and you move to Florida. 392 00:14:47,335 --> 00:14:50,269 Cheers. 393 00:14:50,304 --> 00:14:53,305 But you and Mom always told us to follow our dreams. 394 00:14:53,341 --> 00:14:54,507 Yes, we did, 395 00:14:54,542 --> 00:14:56,475 and that may have been a mistake. 396 00:14:56,511 --> 00:14:58,210 See, we didn't think everybody in your generation 397 00:14:58,246 --> 00:14:59,411 would have the same dream: 398 00:14:59,447 --> 00:15:01,580 to be an actress or win singing competitions. 399 00:15:01,616 --> 00:15:04,049 Surely you're not equating my dream of becoming an astronaut 400 00:15:04,085 --> 00:15:06,852 with hoping a chair turns around on "The Voice." 401 00:15:06,888 --> 00:15:09,555 Dad, what are you trying to tell us? 402 00:15:09,590 --> 00:15:11,524 Clearly they want us to leave. 403 00:15:11,559 --> 00:15:12,625 Is that true? 404 00:15:12,660 --> 00:15:15,294 Well, it might be time. 405 00:15:15,329 --> 00:15:17,963 Wow, I didn't know you guys didn't want us here. 406 00:15:17,999 --> 00:15:19,265 Neither did I. 407 00:15:19,300 --> 00:15:21,767 Sometimes I have trouble with social cues. 408 00:15:21,802 --> 00:15:23,102 I was perceiving joy, 409 00:15:23,137 --> 00:15:25,471 and you were feeling shackled and burdened. 410 00:15:25,506 --> 00:15:26,472 No, no. 411 00:15:26,507 --> 00:15:27,573 We do not feel that way, 412 00:15:27,608 --> 00:15:30,509 and we want to be supportive in any way we can. 413 00:15:30,545 --> 00:15:33,279 Well, that didn't take long. 414 00:15:33,314 --> 00:15:34,780 What is that supposed to mean? 415 00:15:34,815 --> 00:15:36,882 You're going soft already. 416 00:15:36,918 --> 00:15:39,485 You remember the summer that you turned 16? 417 00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:40,819 I locked you out of the house 418 00:15:40,855 --> 00:15:42,555 with a bowl of cereal and the want ads, 419 00:15:42,590 --> 00:15:45,224 and I said, "Don't you come home until you've got a job." 420 00:15:45,259 --> 00:15:46,559 Now that's parenting. 421 00:15:46,594 --> 00:15:48,561 I hated you that day. 422 00:15:48,596 --> 00:15:49,728 I thought to myself, 423 00:15:49,764 --> 00:15:52,431 "I can't wait to get away from these people." 424 00:15:52,466 --> 00:15:54,099 See? Success! 425 00:15:54,135 --> 00:15:55,834 I would never do that to my daughters. 426 00:15:55,870 --> 00:15:57,069 I like them. 427 00:15:57,104 --> 00:15:58,304 Well, there's your mistake. 428 00:15:58,339 --> 00:16:00,739 You love your children. You don't like them! 429 00:16:00,775 --> 00:16:02,274 I want to be close to the girls. 430 00:16:02,310 --> 00:16:03,976 When I was growing up, you and Mom had no idea 431 00:16:04,011 --> 00:16:05,311 what was going on in my life. 432 00:16:05,346 --> 00:16:08,213 We weren't that interested in you. 433 00:16:08,249 --> 00:16:09,481 Well, I'm not you, Dad. 434 00:16:09,517 --> 00:16:11,183 I don't push my kids away when they need me. 435 00:16:11,218 --> 00:16:13,052 Girls, you can stay. 436 00:16:13,087 --> 00:16:14,320 And you might call that weak. 437 00:16:14,355 --> 00:16:16,589 I call it a strong man making a strong decision. 438 00:16:16,624 --> 00:16:18,257 It's okay with you, dear? 439 00:16:18,292 --> 00:16:19,491 Of course. 440 00:16:19,527 --> 00:16:20,659 We love you. 441 00:16:20,695 --> 00:16:23,662 Aww. 442 00:16:23,698 --> 00:16:26,432 That's is good parenting right here. 443 00:16:26,467 --> 00:16:27,433 [knock at door] 444 00:16:27,468 --> 00:16:29,101 Oh, that knock. 445 00:16:29,136 --> 00:16:32,271 It's Justin. 446 00:16:32,306 --> 00:16:33,238 Hi, Stella. 447 00:16:33,274 --> 00:16:34,740 You look smokin'. 448 00:16:34,775 --> 00:16:36,408 Hey, everybody. 449 00:16:36,444 --> 00:16:38,377 Justin, why are you here? 450 00:16:38,412 --> 00:16:39,712 I'm taking your dad's advice. 451 00:16:39,747 --> 00:16:41,280 He told me I shouldn't quit on you. 452 00:16:41,315 --> 00:16:43,449 I did not say that. 453 00:16:43,484 --> 00:16:45,517 Well, it was something like that. 454 00:16:45,553 --> 00:16:48,420 You never texted me, so I don't got it exactly. 455 00:16:48,456 --> 00:16:50,522 But he said if you want something, 456 00:16:50,558 --> 00:16:51,757 you should stick with it. 457 00:16:51,792 --> 00:16:53,759 And I want you. 458 00:16:53,794 --> 00:16:57,096 Oh, Justin, I want you, too. 459 00:16:57,131 --> 00:16:59,632 You're a full balloon, 460 00:16:59,667 --> 00:17:02,635 and no one should pop you. 461 00:17:02,670 --> 00:17:05,337 I'll explain metaphor to her later. 462 00:17:05,373 --> 00:17:06,505 Let's go home, baby. 463 00:17:06,540 --> 00:17:07,873 Um, about that. 464 00:17:07,908 --> 00:17:09,375 We kind of got evicted. 465 00:17:09,410 --> 00:17:10,909 Well, you can stay here with me. 466 00:17:10,945 --> 00:17:12,511 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 467 00:17:12,546 --> 00:17:15,047 You guys are not even married. 468 00:17:15,082 --> 00:17:17,549 I hear you, bro. 469 00:17:17,585 --> 00:17:19,051 Stella, will you marry me? 470 00:17:19,086 --> 00:17:21,320 No, no, no. 471 00:17:21,355 --> 00:17:22,354 Yes. 472 00:17:27,361 --> 00:17:30,696 I should rub it in, but I just feel sorry for you. 473 00:17:32,992 --> 00:17:34,593 [upbeat music] 474 00:17:36,042 --> 00:17:38,943 How can you drink iced lattes at this time of night? 475 00:17:39,113 --> 00:17:40,312 Why does that bother you? 476 00:17:40,348 --> 00:17:41,547 I sleep fine. 477 00:17:41,582 --> 00:17:44,583 It's just suspicious. 478 00:17:45,787 --> 00:17:47,420 Is she really gonna marry that guy? 479 00:17:47,455 --> 00:17:48,921 Ugh. 480 00:17:48,956 --> 00:17:52,091 Let's don't think about that tonight. 481 00:17:52,126 --> 00:17:56,929 Honey, we can keep the fun going. 482 00:17:56,964 --> 00:17:59,098 How about you go get some wine 483 00:17:59,133 --> 00:18:02,435 and I'll put on something ridiculous? 484 00:18:02,470 --> 00:18:04,136 Are we talking parading? 485 00:18:04,172 --> 00:18:05,938 Oh, I'll parade. 486 00:18:05,973 --> 00:18:07,973 I love a parade. 487 00:18:12,447 --> 00:18:13,746 Alice sent me to make sure 488 00:18:13,781 --> 00:18:18,084 we're not stuck with those miles. 489 00:18:18,119 --> 00:18:19,518 We'll get you another gift. 490 00:18:19,554 --> 00:18:20,686 Well, good. 491 00:18:20,721 --> 00:18:23,022 Nothing crazy this time. 492 00:18:23,057 --> 00:18:24,723 Now, about our staying... 493 00:18:24,759 --> 00:18:25,724 Dad, go to Florida. 494 00:18:25,760 --> 00:18:26,725 Have fun. 495 00:18:26,761 --> 00:18:28,227 We really don't need your help here. 496 00:18:28,262 --> 00:18:30,162 Well, don't tell your stepmom that. 497 00:18:30,198 --> 00:18:32,398 She was miserable about moving. 498 00:18:32,433 --> 00:18:33,866 You know, it's nice to feel needed 499 00:18:33,901 --> 00:18:37,736 and not just going someplace warm to rot and die. 500 00:18:37,772 --> 00:18:40,106 Besides, who wants to be around a lot of old people? 501 00:18:40,141 --> 00:18:43,275 Old people are annoying. 502 00:18:43,311 --> 00:18:46,278 Are they? 503 00:18:46,314 --> 00:18:48,647 I know you think I'm too conservative and old-fashioned, 504 00:18:48,683 --> 00:18:50,116 but I did marry a black woman. 505 00:18:50,151 --> 00:18:52,251 That's got to mean something. 506 00:18:52,286 --> 00:18:54,320 Dad, I don't see race. 507 00:18:54,355 --> 00:18:55,921 I see a bossy woman who you married 508 00:18:55,957 --> 00:18:58,124 who's always in my house. 509 00:18:58,159 --> 00:18:59,592 Fair enough. 510 00:18:59,627 --> 00:19:02,094 You know, I don't agree with how you raised these girls, 511 00:19:02,130 --> 00:19:05,431 but I see how much they like you. 512 00:19:05,466 --> 00:19:07,032 That must feel kind of good. 513 00:19:07,068 --> 00:19:09,201 It does. 514 00:19:09,237 --> 00:19:10,970 I don't think my pop even knew I existed 515 00:19:11,005 --> 00:19:13,606 until I was standing in his direct line of sight. 516 00:19:13,641 --> 00:19:15,541 Well, did he ever talk to you? 517 00:19:15,576 --> 00:19:17,843 Ask you how you were feeling, how you were doing? 518 00:19:17,879 --> 00:19:19,678 Never. 519 00:19:19,714 --> 00:19:20,846 Different times. 520 00:19:20,882 --> 00:19:22,081 Yeah, different times, 521 00:19:22,116 --> 00:19:25,084 but it would have been nice if he had, right? 522 00:19:25,119 --> 00:19:29,188 Yeah, would've been nice. 523 00:19:29,223 --> 00:19:32,525 Good night, son. 524 00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:34,560 Good night, Dad. 525 00:19:36,764 --> 00:19:37,730 Mike. 526 00:19:37,765 --> 00:19:39,231 Yeah? 527 00:19:39,267 --> 00:19:41,901 How you doing, son? 528 00:19:41,936 --> 00:19:44,336 I'm good. 529 00:19:44,372 --> 00:19:46,472 You? 530 00:19:46,507 --> 00:19:47,873 Good too. 531 00:19:47,909 --> 00:19:49,842 Good. 532 00:19:56,250 --> 00:19:59,251 Did you tell him we don't want the miles? 533 00:20:01,556 --> 00:20:03,489 - What? - The miles! 534 00:20:03,524 --> 00:20:05,524 He told me! 535 00:20:08,196 --> 00:20:13,199 I hope whatever you put on is easy to take off. 536 00:20:13,234 --> 00:20:17,336 Hello, ladies. 537 00:20:17,371 --> 00:20:18,704 Good news, honey. 538 00:20:18,739 --> 00:20:21,540 The girls came in to tell me that Carter texted back. 539 00:20:21,576 --> 00:20:23,042 Told you he would. 540 00:20:23,077 --> 00:20:25,511 Remember, two forms of birth control, 541 00:20:25,546 --> 00:20:27,513 right, Mom and Dad? 542 00:20:27,548 --> 00:20:30,916 I feel very uncomfortable in this conversation. 543 00:20:30,952 --> 00:20:32,351 Why? We're all adults here. 544 00:20:32,386 --> 00:20:34,687 Then why are you living at home? 545 00:20:34,722 --> 00:20:38,090 Oh, Dad, you're so funny. 546 00:20:38,125 --> 00:20:39,592 I have a suggestion. 547 00:20:39,627 --> 00:20:41,460 How about I get two more glasses? 548 00:20:41,495 --> 00:20:43,095 Ooh, I have an even better idea. 549 00:20:43,130 --> 00:20:44,697 Okay, don't freak out, 550 00:20:44,732 --> 00:20:46,565 but I have some pot stashed in the playroom. 551 00:20:46,601 --> 00:20:47,566 I'll go get it. 552 00:20:47,602 --> 00:20:48,867 Don't bother. 553 00:20:48,903 --> 00:20:49,868 Why? 554 00:20:49,904 --> 00:20:51,870 - We got rid of it. - We smoked it. 555 00:20:51,906 --> 00:20:53,906 ♪ ♪