1
00:00:00,101 --> 00:00:01,634
Movie night, baby. I love it.

2
00:00:01,636 --> 00:00:04,106
Yeah, what are you sitting
in? I'm not mad at it.

3
00:00:04,203 --> 00:00:05,303
- You can't be mad at this.
- No.

4
00:00:05,305 --> 00:00:06,804
The real question here

5
00:00:06,806 --> 00:00:10,033
is how not mad are you at this beer mug?

6
00:00:10,369 --> 00:00:12,936
Oh, very unmad. It's a lot of fun.

7
00:00:12,938 --> 00:00:14,269
- Thank you.
- Okay.

8
00:00:14,280 --> 00:00:18,318
Let's kick things off
here with a foot job comp.

9
00:00:18,320 --> 00:00:20,420
- All right.
- Okay. Let's do it.

10
00:00:23,157 --> 00:00:24,757
Hmm.

11
00:00:24,759 --> 00:00:26,258
You know, not my porno.

12
00:00:26,260 --> 00:00:27,993
Why don't we go bottom
right, right there?

13
00:00:27,995 --> 00:00:30,096
That butt-that butt's
just winking at me.

14
00:00:32,499 --> 00:00:33,733
Mmm, nope.

15
00:00:33,735 --> 00:00:35,334
- Not my porno.
- She's cute.

16
00:00:35,336 --> 00:00:36,502
A little Amy Schumer looking.

17
00:00:38,205 --> 00:00:40,872
No. He's rushing. Not my porno.

18
00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:41,974
Pace yourself, bud.

19
00:00:41,976 --> 00:00:43,709
- Geez.
- You know?

20
00:00:43,711 --> 00:00:46,011
Hey! How are you?

21
00:00:46,013 --> 00:00:47,413
Howdy.

22
00:00:47,415 --> 00:00:51,183
Can't see through the sheet, can they?

23
00:00:51,185 --> 00:00:53,219
No. I wouldn't think so. No.

24
00:00:53,221 --> 00:00:57,289
- Synced and corrected by MasterCookie -
- www.addic7ed.com -

25
00:00:57,291 --> 00:00:59,725
I'm fresh

26
00:00:59,727 --> 00:01:00,860
You gotta, you gotta

27
00:01:00,862 --> 00:01:01,994
You gotta, gotta

28
00:01:01,996 --> 00:01:03,131
Gotta be fresh

29
00:01:05,032 --> 00:01:06,666
I mean what are we doing?

30
00:01:06,668 --> 00:01:08,333
- What happened to porno?
- That's what I was thinking.

31
00:01:08,335 --> 00:01:10,002
I feel like it's lost all of its nuance.

32
00:01:10,004 --> 00:01:11,970
That's right. Now, it's just...

33
00:01:11,972 --> 00:01:15,107
It's like a jackhammer just
plugging away at a Realdoll,

34
00:01:15,109 --> 00:01:16,908
which I've actually
seen that video before,

35
00:01:16,910 --> 00:01:18,443
- and I liked it more than this.
- Yeah.

36
00:01:18,445 --> 00:01:21,613
I'm sorry, I like my porn
stars with acting chops.

37
00:01:21,615 --> 00:01:24,517
Yes, they should also
have very expressive eyes

38
00:01:24,519 --> 00:01:26,785
- while they're kind of...
- Honestly, I miss Dan Yella.

39
00:01:26,787 --> 00:01:29,722
- I mean what a porn star.
- Yeah, absolutely.

40
00:01:29,724 --> 00:01:31,791
Dare I say starred in the greatest porno

41
00:01:31,793 --> 00:01:32,824
of all time,

42
00:01:32,826 --> 00:01:34,059
"The Nutting Professor."

43
00:01:34,061 --> 00:01:35,527
Oh, you're dating yourself.

44
00:01:35,529 --> 00:01:36,795
I am. I am a little bit.

45
00:01:36,797 --> 00:01:38,830
And Dan Yella, what a performance.

46
00:01:38,832 --> 00:01:40,898
Are you kidding me?
Seven different roles.

47
00:01:40,900 --> 00:01:42,700
Remember the aunt in the fat suit?

48
00:01:42,702 --> 00:01:43,970
"Oh, jerk it, please!

49
00:01:43,972 --> 00:01:45,338
- Jerk it, please!"
- Yes. Thank you.

50
00:01:45,340 --> 00:01:47,572
Oh, the roll around the dinner table.

51
00:01:47,574 --> 00:01:48,807
And what a body.

52
00:01:48,809 --> 00:01:50,342
I didn't mind all the pubes.

53
00:01:50,344 --> 00:01:51,943
I mean they were
everywhere. I didn't care.

54
00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:54,580
I mean there's literally no other man

55
00:01:54,582 --> 00:01:56,782
- I'd rather watch do sex.
- Yeah.

56
00:01:56,784 --> 00:01:58,149
You know what?

57
00:01:58,151 --> 00:02:01,086
To Mr. Dan Yella, our porno daddy.

58
00:02:01,088 --> 00:02:04,189
- To Dan Yella.
- Mr. Dan Yella.

59
00:02:04,191 --> 00:02:05,825
Well, after scouring the Internet,

60
00:02:05,827 --> 00:02:06,825
I couldn't find "The Nutting Professor,"

61
00:02:06,827 --> 00:02:08,127
and I checked Brazzers,

62
00:02:08,129 --> 00:02:11,629
Bangbros, Mofos, Rancho , PornHub,

63
00:02:11,631 --> 00:02:13,199
- and YouPorn.
- I know.

64
00:02:13,201 --> 00:02:16,434
And I tried PornTube,
Fapdu, Youjizz, Jizzpros.

65
00:02:16,436 --> 00:02:18,236
I even tried Sublime Directory.

66
00:02:18,238 --> 00:02:20,071
Did you just say "Sublime Directory"?

67
00:02:20,073 --> 00:02:22,175
- Uh, yes, I did.
- Found it! Yup.

68
00:02:22,177 --> 00:02:25,010
And it wasn't on
xHamster, 8th St. Latinas,

69
00:02:25,012 --> 00:02:27,479
Captain Stabbin, or Mike in Brazil.

70
00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:29,248
I love Mike in Brazil,

71
00:02:29,250 --> 00:02:30,716
'cause he was in an apartment,
and then he went to Brazil.

72
00:02:30,718 --> 00:02:32,517
This is a cool way to see Brazil.

73
00:02:32,519 --> 00:02:33,753
See the world, really.

74
00:02:33,755 --> 00:02:34,952
- Guess where I did find it, though.
- Where?

75
00:02:34,954 --> 00:02:36,855
EBay. Yeah.

76
00:02:36,857 --> 00:02:38,390
Two VHS copies,

77
00:02:38,392 --> 00:02:40,926
and I'm currently the highest bidder.

78
00:02:40,928 --> 00:02:42,528
That is awesome.

79
00:02:42,530 --> 00:02:44,462
Yeah. Get on over here, dude.

80
00:02:44,464 --> 00:02:46,265
Check it out. So I've just
been in this bidding war

81
00:02:46,267 --> 00:02:49,034
with "MR.NULEAF," and there's, well,

82
00:02:49,036 --> 00:02:51,270
there's 30 seconds left, so...

83
00:02:51,272 --> 00:02:52,972
- I just thought of something cool.
- What?

84
00:02:52,974 --> 00:02:54,306
What if we make a pact to,

85
00:02:54,308 --> 00:02:56,474
like, not crank down
until we get the movie?

86
00:02:56,476 --> 00:02:58,143
Yeah, okay. That sounds like a good...

87
00:02:58,145 --> 00:03:00,111
Bad idea. That's, like, not cool, right?

88
00:03:00,113 --> 00:03:02,981
You know, I... and that's where
I disagree with you, Anders.

89
00:03:02,983 --> 00:03:04,450
I think it's necessary

90
00:03:04,452 --> 00:03:07,853
because we must show
respect for Dan Yella, right?

91
00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:08,573
I don't know. I don't know.

92
00:03:08,985 --> 00:03:11,285
- You're acting a little weird.
- I'm not being weird.

93
00:03:11,287 --> 00:03:12,519
Five seconds. Five seconds.

94
00:03:12,521 --> 00:03:14,922
Four, three, two. Hit it. Hit it.

95
00:03:14,924 --> 00:03:16,658
- That was too early.
- You gotta...

96
00:03:16,660 --> 00:03:19,660
I won! Yeah! We won! We won!

97
00:03:19,662 --> 00:03:21,561
Congratulations. Good stuff, babe.

98
00:03:21,563 --> 00:03:23,064
- So we won't crank down?
- Yeah.

99
00:03:23,066 --> 00:03:24,332
- No cranking down.
- Okay.

100
00:03:24,334 --> 00:03:26,066
That's official. That's fine.

101
00:03:26,068 --> 00:03:28,368
I don't even know what to
do since we can't jerk off.

102
00:03:28,370 --> 00:03:29,672
I guess have some toast.

103
00:03:32,643 --> 00:03:34,774
Man.

104
00:03:34,776 --> 00:03:37,413
You guys ever notice DiDi
got a real booty on her?

105
00:03:41,251 --> 00:03:42,816
I've never noticed that.

106
00:03:42,818 --> 00:03:44,685
No, I was waiting for that
notification on my phone

107
00:03:44,687 --> 00:03:46,186
about the package getting home.

108
00:03:46,188 --> 00:03:48,422
When we get home, I call
dibs on watching it first.

109
00:03:48,424 --> 00:03:51,058
No, no, no, no, no. Let me get it.

110
00:03:51,060 --> 00:03:52,527
Ders, what's going on?

111
00:03:52,529 --> 00:03:55,929
Is something wrong?

112
00:03:55,931 --> 00:03:58,198
Okay. I...

113
00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:01,168
It was May 29, 2001.

114
00:04:01,170 --> 00:04:02,570
I was on vaycay with my parents,

115
00:04:02,572 --> 00:04:04,804
and we were staying in the same room,

116
00:04:04,806 --> 00:04:07,207
so I couldn't stroke my dog.

117
00:04:07,209 --> 00:04:08,608
Believe me, I tried.

118
00:04:08,610 --> 00:04:10,210
One day, they went horseback riding

119
00:04:10,212 --> 00:04:13,313
and dropped me off at a
taping of VH1's "Storytellers."

120
00:04:13,315 --> 00:04:16,784
Can you tell the story faster?
'Cause it's super boring.

121
00:04:16,786 --> 00:04:18,986
No, no, no. Keep this pace.

122
00:04:18,988 --> 00:04:20,421
Mm-mmm. That's my tempo.

123
00:04:20,423 --> 00:04:25,526
Anyway, the artist
was Natalie Imbruglia,

124
00:04:25,528 --> 00:04:27,361
and she was singing her song, "Torn."

125
00:04:27,363 --> 00:04:30,397
And then you ejacked in
your little boy pants.

126
00:04:30,399 --> 00:04:33,366
No. What are you... okay. Yes, I did.

127
00:04:33,368 --> 00:04:34,702
But it was a whole bunch.

128
00:04:34,704 --> 00:04:36,738
I fainted, and I had
to go to the doctor.

129
00:04:36,740 --> 00:04:38,974
So I've jacked off every day since,

130
00:04:38,976 --> 00:04:42,476
and it's been three days, so I
think I need first dibs, okay?

131
00:04:42,478 --> 00:04:43,476
- Okay.
- Great.

132
00:04:43,478 --> 00:04:44,512
Yeah. That's fine.

133
00:04:44,514 --> 00:04:46,113
- I care so little.
- Yeah.

134
00:04:46,115 --> 00:04:47,714
So you didn't even need
to tell that stupid story.

135
00:04:47,716 --> 00:04:49,250
He's right. That story really fizzled.

136
00:04:49,252 --> 00:04:50,750
It was bad, and they always are.

137
00:04:50,752 --> 00:04:52,053
That's the thing about your stories.

138
00:04:52,055 --> 00:04:55,555
- And no offense...
- Package is at the house.

139
00:04:55,557 --> 00:04:57,192
Package is at the house. Let's go.

140
00:04:57,194 --> 00:04:58,892
It's almost 5:00, right?
We can go, right? Let's go.

141
00:04:58,894 --> 00:05:00,128
- Let's go.
- All right, yeah.

142
00:05:00,130 --> 00:05:01,395
Now we're talking.

143
00:05:02,832 --> 00:05:05,332
All right.

144
00:05:05,334 --> 00:05:06,569
Whoo!

145
00:05:09,305 --> 00:05:10,370
It's not here.

146
00:05:10,372 --> 00:05:11,606
- Huh?
- It's not here!

147
00:05:11,608 --> 00:05:12,906
- What?
- What are you talking about?

148
00:05:12,908 --> 00:05:14,741
- Where is it?
- Okay. Don't panic.

149
00:05:14,743 --> 00:05:16,878
Probably had a neighbor signed for it.

150
00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:18,712
Yeah. That's probably what it is.

151
00:05:18,714 --> 00:05:20,281
No reason to panic.

152
00:05:22,651 --> 00:05:23,717
- Hey.
- Hello.

153
00:05:23,719 --> 00:05:25,652
Dean, how's it going?

154
00:05:25,654 --> 00:05:27,988
We're just wondering if you
signed for a package for us?

155
00:05:27,990 --> 00:05:29,656
No. I didn't for anything.

156
00:05:29,658 --> 00:05:31,459
Packages probably got stolen.

157
00:05:31,461 --> 00:05:32,827
I've had a bunch taken recently.

158
00:05:32,829 --> 00:05:34,495
Honey, can you call the dogs?

159
00:05:34,497 --> 00:05:35,663
Shake the treat box.

160
00:05:35,665 --> 00:05:37,998
Shake the treat box! Sorry.

161
00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:39,767
I'd say maybe try the
neighborhood watch,

162
00:05:39,769 --> 00:05:41,601
although they've been
fairly useless recently.

163
00:05:41,603 --> 00:05:43,169
Yeah. Hey, you know what?

164
00:05:43,171 --> 00:05:45,005
We should start a
vigilante group of our own

165
00:05:45,007 --> 00:05:47,140
- to catch this guy.
- God damn it!

166
00:05:47,142 --> 00:05:48,709
Shake the treat box, Vicki!

167
00:05:48,711 --> 00:05:50,178
No. I'm serious, man.

168
00:05:50,180 --> 00:05:52,781
We could be, like, superheroes.
We could wear costumes.

169
00:05:52,783 --> 00:05:54,916
Ah, or we couldn't wear costumes

170
00:05:54,918 --> 00:05:57,918
'cause it's a dumb idea, right, Ders?

171
00:05:57,920 --> 00:05:58,726
Yup.

172
00:05:58,989 --> 00:06:00,124
And that's why you're my best friend.

173
00:06:00,256 --> 00:06:01,352
- That's why I love you, man.
- Great.

174
00:06:01,478 --> 00:06:03,066
I really do. Hey,
Deano, what got stolen?

175
00:06:03,201 --> 00:06:05,526
Dude, I ordered this
awesome inflatable chair,

176
00:06:05,528 --> 00:06:06,793
this cowboy boot-shaped mug.

177
00:06:06,795 --> 00:06:08,296
You guys should come over sometime.

178
00:06:08,298 --> 00:06:09,796
We can do beers, watch a Blues game.

179
00:06:09,798 --> 00:06:11,832
Yeah. You know, maybe we will.

180
00:06:11,834 --> 00:06:13,401
And thanks for the help
today. Appreciate it.

181
00:06:13,403 --> 00:06:14,567
- Well, good luck, guys.
- Yeah, thanks.

182
00:06:14,569 --> 00:06:15,570
You're a good guy.

183
00:06:15,572 --> 00:06:17,003
Blues game.

184
00:06:17,005 --> 00:06:17,971
Okay, yeah.

185
00:06:17,973 --> 00:06:19,373
I stole some things from Dean.

186
00:06:19,375 --> 00:06:21,642
We need to trap this
guy who stole our package

187
00:06:21,644 --> 00:06:24,344
and get our tape back so I can evacuate.

188
00:06:24,346 --> 00:06:27,082
And that's why vigilante
group is a great idea.

189
00:06:27,084 --> 00:06:28,949
Check it out.

190
00:06:28,951 --> 00:06:30,651
- Beat-Ass.
- I don't like that.

191
00:06:30,653 --> 00:06:32,553
- That's just Kick-Ass.
- No.

192
00:06:32,555 --> 00:06:34,120
Yeah. It's Kick-Ass, basically.

193
00:06:34,122 --> 00:06:36,490
Adam, I heard you, since
you had this conversation

194
00:06:36,492 --> 00:06:37,724
on my front step.

195
00:06:37,726 --> 00:06:39,692
I want my stuff back, buddy.

196
00:06:39,694 --> 00:06:41,462
Scoot! Scoot!

197
00:06:41,464 --> 00:06:42,563
- Go, go!
- Scoot!

198
00:06:42,565 --> 00:06:43,998
- Bye, Dean!
- All right.

199
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:45,933
- So you're buried in the ground.
- I am, yes.

200
00:06:45,935 --> 00:06:48,135
Now, I'm gonna put this
box over your head, right,

201
00:06:48,137 --> 00:06:50,637
and I wrote "valuable electronics:

202
00:06:50,639 --> 00:06:51,639
do not touch" on it.

203
00:06:51,641 --> 00:06:52,972
When he takes the box...

204
00:06:54,577 --> 00:06:56,476
- Spray him with the mace.
- Yeah.

205
00:06:56,478 --> 00:06:58,212
Meanwhile, Blake and I, we're
gonna be over here in the 'Vo.

206
00:06:58,214 --> 00:07:00,046
We're gonna jump out.
We're gonna pounce.

207
00:07:00,048 --> 00:07:02,416
No, no, no, no, no.
Gnargoyle doesn't sit in cars.

208
00:07:02,418 --> 00:07:05,253
I already told you this. He
perches high above the city,

209
00:07:05,255 --> 00:07:09,591
and then swoops down on his zip
line when the city needs him.

210
00:07:09,593 --> 00:07:11,858
Your shirt says "eat ass."

211
00:07:11,860 --> 00:07:12,693
What?

212
00:07:12,695 --> 00:07:14,628
Oh, God dang it.

213
00:07:14,630 --> 00:07:15,996
The "B" keeps falling off.

214
00:07:15,998 --> 00:07:17,832
Hey, how are you gonna be fighting crime

215
00:07:17,834 --> 00:07:19,633
when you're busy eating ass all day?

216
00:07:19,635 --> 00:07:23,003
You're not gonna be laughing
when the Gnargoyle swoops down

217
00:07:23,005 --> 00:07:26,341
and wreaks vigilante
justice upon the city.

218
00:07:26,343 --> 00:07:28,442
Yeah. You want to know
what else isn't funny?

219
00:07:28,444 --> 00:07:29,911
Made a Facebook page for Beat-Ass.

220
00:07:29,913 --> 00:07:31,911
- Already got two likes.
- That's cool.

221
00:07:31,913 --> 00:07:33,615
You found two guys on the Internet

222
00:07:33,617 --> 00:07:35,216
who wanted to get together
and eat each other's butts.

223
00:07:35,218 --> 00:07:37,017
Very cool.

224
00:07:37,019 --> 00:07:39,622
Oh! That was the best one yet.

225
00:07:47,455 --> 00:07:49,130
Evil lurks in Cucamonga.

226
00:07:49,132 --> 00:07:50,830
A hero waits.

227
00:07:51,836 --> 00:07:56,673
His lower thigh's really
starting to hurt from perching.

228
00:07:56,675 --> 00:07:58,242
Hey, guys?

229
00:07:58,244 --> 00:07:59,877
I'm getting hungry.

230
00:07:59,879 --> 00:08:01,879
Can one of you go make
me a grilled cheese?

231
00:08:01,881 --> 00:08:04,348
Shh! Quiet!

232
00:08:04,350 --> 00:08:06,583
You're gonna ruin this.
You believe this guy?

233
00:08:06,585 --> 00:08:08,619
It's like this is his
first stakeout or something.

234
00:08:08,621 --> 00:08:11,057
Shut up. Someone's
coming. Someone's coming.

235
00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:15,793
- Is it on?
- Yeah.

236
00:08:15,795 --> 00:08:17,629
We're ready. Let's do this.

237
00:08:24,369 --> 00:08:25,836
I've got visual,

238
00:08:25,838 --> 00:08:29,872
and it looks like a
black guy in a hoodie.

239
00:08:29,874 --> 00:08:31,541
- It's probably our guy, man.
- Oh, whoa.

240
00:08:31,543 --> 00:08:33,276
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay.

241
00:08:33,278 --> 00:08:36,112
Being black and wearing a
hoodie is not a crime, okay?

242
00:08:36,114 --> 00:08:37,548
Come on.

243
00:08:37,550 --> 00:08:39,281
No. No, no. I know. I'm not saying that.

244
00:08:39,283 --> 00:08:40,785
I'm saying obviously,
he could be anybody.

245
00:08:40,787 --> 00:08:42,987
He could be a dentist or a judge

246
00:08:42,989 --> 00:08:46,124
or a Prince of Bel-Air or something.

247
00:08:53,264 --> 00:08:55,934
Crazy dirty down here.

248
00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:04,507
Halt!

249
00:09:04,509 --> 00:09:07,880
Flying drop kick attack!

250
00:09:09,514 --> 00:09:10,915
Ow!

251
00:09:10,917 --> 00:09:12,516
Hey. Okay. Okay.

252
00:09:12,518 --> 00:09:15,019
We know you're the robber,
so just give us the porno.

253
00:09:15,073 --> 00:09:15,344
Yeah.

254
00:09:15,776 --> 00:09:18,955
What? I'm here to join
a group called Beat-Ass.

255
00:09:18,957 --> 00:09:21,324
Oh, you made it.

256
00:09:21,326 --> 00:09:23,593
Welcome to Beat-Ass HQ.

257
00:09:23,595 --> 00:09:26,362
How many? How many fingers
am I holding up? How many?

258
00:09:26,364 --> 00:09:28,598
- 16?
- Are you happy?

259
00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:32,035
Your friend over here ruined
our plan and blinded Adam.

260
00:09:32,037 --> 00:09:33,237
Okay. He has a name, all right,

261
00:09:33,239 --> 00:09:34,838
which I don't know, actually.

262
00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:35,939
What is your name, friend?

263
00:09:35,941 --> 00:09:37,440
My real name's Brian,

264
00:09:37,442 --> 00:09:40,843
but my superhero name is Dr. Heals-good.

265
00:09:40,845 --> 00:09:42,579
Okay. Very positive.

266
00:09:42,581 --> 00:09:44,948
Mine is actually the Gnargoyle.

267
00:09:44,950 --> 00:09:46,050
- Hey, Blake.
- What?

268
00:09:46,052 --> 00:09:47,351
It's all well and good,

269
00:09:47,353 --> 00:09:49,285
but I am blind over here!

270
00:09:49,287 --> 00:09:54,190
Well, they don't call me
Dr. Heals-good for no reason.

271
00:09:54,192 --> 00:09:55,892
Wait. Are you, like, a real doctor?

272
00:09:55,894 --> 00:09:58,194
With my best friend, Chester,

273
00:09:58,196 --> 00:10:01,231
I can heal people with the
greatest medicine of all,

274
00:10:01,233 --> 00:10:02,532
laughter.

275
00:10:02,534 --> 00:10:03,766
I'm out of penicillin.

276
00:10:03,768 --> 00:10:05,734
- That was funny.
- This, I hate.

277
00:10:05,736 --> 00:10:07,204
Who's Chester?

278
00:10:07,206 --> 00:10:08,906
- He's a dummy, Adam.
- 'Kay, Ders.

279
00:10:08,908 --> 00:10:11,007
Not everybody's dummies, okay?

280
00:10:11,009 --> 00:10:13,776
I'm so sorry. Chester, please.

281
00:10:13,778 --> 00:10:15,146
Welcome to our home.

282
00:10:15,148 --> 00:10:16,847
This is ridiculous, okay?

283
00:10:16,849 --> 00:10:18,681
We have no porno! I'm on eBay.

284
00:10:18,683 --> 00:10:20,851
I'm bidding on another copy
of "The Nutting Professor."

285
00:10:20,853 --> 00:10:22,452
It's gonna be delivered
to the office where

286
00:10:22,454 --> 00:10:25,055
it's gonna require a signature
so no one can steal it.

287
00:10:25,057 --> 00:10:26,257
I remember that movie.

288
00:10:26,259 --> 00:10:27,891
"Jerk it, please! Jerk it please!"

289
00:10:29,528 --> 00:10:31,026
I mean I can't believe

290
00:10:31,028 --> 00:10:33,396
the doctor says I'm only
gonna be blind for a week.

291
00:10:33,398 --> 00:10:34,864
It sucks, dude,

292
00:10:34,866 --> 00:10:37,501
because I could totally
get chicks like this, right?

293
00:10:37,503 --> 00:10:39,002
Like, "Hey. What's up, bro?

294
00:10:39,004 --> 00:10:40,503
Oh. Oh, sorry. You're a girl.

295
00:10:40,505 --> 00:10:41,838
These are your boobs."

296
00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:43,574
Yeah, can you... can you not squeeze

297
00:10:43,576 --> 00:10:46,910
perfect large air breasts
in front of me, man?

298
00:10:46,912 --> 00:10:48,145
When am I gonna get this package?

299
00:10:48,147 --> 00:10:49,813
Give me a notification, baby. Come on.

300
00:10:49,815 --> 00:10:51,481
I'll play with her
boobs all I want, Ders.

301
00:10:51,483 --> 00:10:54,383
Why don't you just tie a rubber
band around your ding-dong?

302
00:10:54,385 --> 00:10:55,285
- What?
- Yeah.

303
00:10:55,287 --> 00:10:56,987
That way, you can't ejack.

304
00:10:56,989 --> 00:10:58,454
- You know what?
- What?

305
00:10:58,456 --> 00:11:00,524
I bet I'm gonna have,
like, superhero powers.

306
00:11:00,526 --> 00:11:03,827
Like, my other senses are
gonna be more on blast, right?

307
00:11:03,829 --> 00:11:05,996
Like Daredevil or something.

308
00:11:05,998 --> 00:11:06,997
Hey, guys.

309
00:11:06,999 --> 00:11:07,997
- Oh!
- Oh.

310
00:11:07,999 --> 00:11:09,766
Ders, I heard Jillian,

311
00:11:09,768 --> 00:11:13,003
like, clear as day
from across the office.

312
00:11:13,005 --> 00:11:14,771
Yeah, she's right here in a skirt.

313
00:11:14,773 --> 00:11:17,007
Shut up. I smell it.

314
00:11:17,009 --> 00:11:18,574
She's eating something.

315
00:11:18,576 --> 00:11:19,676
It's like...

316
00:11:19,678 --> 00:11:21,310
It's, like, grapes or, like,

317
00:11:21,312 --> 00:11:23,947
peanut butter or... like,
peanut buttery grapes or, like...

318
00:11:23,949 --> 00:11:26,916
- Oh, no. That's...
- No! Oh, Jesus Christ.

319
00:11:26,918 --> 00:11:28,919
Adam, are you okay? You okay?

320
00:11:28,921 --> 00:11:30,186
Okay. Yes. She's right here.

321
00:11:30,188 --> 00:11:31,588
- That's Jillian.
- Yeah, no.

322
00:11:31,590 --> 00:11:33,024
Sorry about the stink, though.

323
00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:34,492
- It's my pits.
- Yes. They reek.

324
00:11:34,494 --> 00:11:35,925
- Yeah. They're really bad.
- Yeah.

325
00:11:35,927 --> 00:11:37,627
Hot water's on the fritz,

326
00:11:37,629 --> 00:11:40,231
so I'm using the drinking
fountain to take whore's baths.

327
00:11:40,233 --> 00:11:42,733
Whore's bath. What are you doing?

328
00:11:42,735 --> 00:11:44,066
What are you doing to me?

329
00:11:44,068 --> 00:11:46,936
I'm just gonna do the whole... yup.

330
00:11:46,938 --> 00:11:48,072
What are you... oh.

331
00:11:48,074 --> 00:11:50,906
And... yeah.

332
00:11:50,908 --> 00:11:52,476
Guys.

333
00:11:52,478 --> 00:11:53,709
Come out to the parking lot.

334
00:11:53,711 --> 00:11:55,478
The package is here.

335
00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:56,546
- What?
- Come on.

336
00:11:56,548 --> 00:11:58,681
I didn't get a notification.

337
00:11:58,683 --> 00:11:59,815
Package?

338
00:12:02,153 --> 00:12:03,720
Well?

339
00:12:03,722 --> 00:12:05,189
What's going on? Where's the package?

340
00:12:05,191 --> 00:12:07,757
What do you mean? Right here.

341
00:12:07,759 --> 00:12:10,459
Newest member of the Beat-Ass
squad, The Total Package.

342
00:12:10,461 --> 00:12:12,595
- Oh, okay.
- Dude, you know what?

343
00:12:12,597 --> 00:12:14,798
One question. Do you
want me to bust on you?

344
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:16,333
- No.
- I will bust on you!

345
00:12:16,335 --> 00:12:18,200
- Don't bust on me.
- Do not bust on him!

346
00:12:18,202 --> 00:12:19,435
What is wrong with you?

347
00:12:19,437 --> 00:12:21,037
Check it out. Total Package.

348
00:12:21,039 --> 00:12:22,372
Explosives expert.

349
00:12:22,374 --> 00:12:23,840
Well, he's got a little demonstration.

350
00:12:23,842 --> 00:12:25,141
- Don't say "explosive."
- All right.

351
00:12:25,143 --> 00:12:26,175
So I've laced these roman candles

352
00:12:26,177 --> 00:12:28,344
with concentrated gun powder

353
00:12:28,346 --> 00:12:30,981
so they'll blow holes in this dumpster.

354
00:12:30,983 --> 00:12:32,082
Oh, come on, dude.

355
00:12:32,084 --> 00:12:33,282
- I love this.
- Stand back.

356
00:12:33,284 --> 00:12:34,718
I would if I could see it.

357
00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:37,087
- Oh, yeah. There it is.
- Whoa, what are you... hey.

358
00:12:37,089 --> 00:12:38,722
You ever blow a hole in the dumpster?

359
00:12:38,724 --> 00:12:41,724
Did it kill someone, dude?
Did you kill someone, dude?

360
00:12:41,726 --> 00:12:43,893
Maybe I did the fuse wrong.

361
00:12:43,895 --> 00:12:46,595
Is this, by any chance,
how you got your blade legs?

362
00:12:46,597 --> 00:12:48,198
This guy has blade legs?

363
00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:51,133
I lost my legs in Afghanistan, bro.

364
00:12:51,135 --> 00:12:52,835
That... yeah. Sorry. Cool.

365
00:12:52,837 --> 00:12:54,338
- Thank you for your service.
- Yeah.

366
00:12:54,340 --> 00:12:58,574
Setting off fireworks at
a Kenny Chesney USO show.

367
00:12:58,576 --> 00:13:00,044
- Good for you.
- That's cool.

368
00:13:00,046 --> 00:13:01,511
Whoa.

369
00:13:01,513 --> 00:13:03,079
- Phone's on vibrate.
- Answer it.

370
00:13:03,081 --> 00:13:04,515
- Dude, we have a pact.
- Oh, get me there.

371
00:13:04,517 --> 00:13:06,016
- Stop. Will you...
- Ooh, get me there.

372
00:13:06,018 --> 00:13:07,250
- Stop it! No, no!
- Oh, dude.

373
00:13:07,252 --> 00:13:08,684
- You're hard in there.
- Yeah.

374
00:13:08,686 --> 00:13:10,587
Of course I am. Give me that.

375
00:13:10,589 --> 00:13:12,222
The package is here.

376
00:13:12,224 --> 00:13:14,056
Oh, no.

377
00:13:14,058 --> 00:13:15,092
That's awesome.

378
00:13:15,094 --> 00:13:16,960
Wait. Why "uh-oh"?

379
00:13:16,962 --> 00:13:18,695
Guess who just signed for it?

380
00:13:18,697 --> 00:13:20,463
Dude, what the heck?
That's not our tape.

381
00:13:20,465 --> 00:13:22,132
- That's a TV.
- It's both.

382
00:13:22,134 --> 00:13:25,135
Actually, it's a TV/VCR and the tape.

383
00:13:25,137 --> 00:13:26,203
The tape's stuck inside.

384
00:13:26,205 --> 00:13:28,137
It's a combo thing.

385
00:13:28,139 --> 00:13:29,473
Oh, okay, okay. Oh, no.

386
00:13:29,475 --> 00:13:31,340
No. She's looking in the slot.

387
00:13:31,342 --> 00:13:32,876
I wouldn't mind looking in her slot.

388
00:13:32,878 --> 00:13:35,679
We got to get it out of
there before she busts us.

389
00:13:35,681 --> 00:13:37,247
Wait, what are you doing?

390
00:13:37,249 --> 00:13:39,116
What are you...

391
00:13:39,118 --> 00:13:40,784
Alice Murphy.

392
00:13:40,786 --> 00:13:43,520
I have had a bomb
delivered to your office.

393
00:13:43,522 --> 00:13:47,223
It's inside of a TV/VCR from the '90s,

394
00:13:47,225 --> 00:13:49,059
and unless you get out now,

395
00:13:49,061 --> 00:13:51,627
- you're gonna die, bitch!
- Oh, my God.

396
00:13:51,629 --> 00:13:52,662
Oh, my God, everyone!

397
00:13:52,664 --> 00:13:54,363
There's a bomb in the office!

398
00:13:54,365 --> 00:13:55,866
Everyone get into the parking lot now!

399
00:13:55,868 --> 00:13:57,867
- Go! Everyone go!
- That doesn't make sense.

400
00:13:57,869 --> 00:14:00,170
Why would anyone... bomb?

401
00:14:00,172 --> 00:14:01,972
No, no, no, no.

402
00:14:01,974 --> 00:14:04,574
She locked it.

403
00:14:04,576 --> 00:14:07,209
Hey, remember that
slot joke I just said?

404
00:14:07,211 --> 00:14:10,115
I feel like my comedy
senses are, like, heightened.

405
00:14:17,255 --> 00:14:19,021
Way to go, Blake, once again.

406
00:14:19,023 --> 00:14:21,190
And by the way, these aren't
tears coming out of my eyes.

407
00:14:21,192 --> 00:14:23,026
This is ejack bubbling out.

408
00:14:23,028 --> 00:14:25,494
You know, we could've been
on our way to Crank Down Town,

409
00:14:25,496 --> 00:14:28,364
that city, but you freaking screwed us.

410
00:14:28,366 --> 00:14:30,099
I... what are you talking about?

411
00:14:30,101 --> 00:14:32,569
I didn't... I'm not the one
who called in a bomb threat.

412
00:14:32,571 --> 00:14:34,237
Careful. Careful, careful.

413
00:14:34,239 --> 00:14:35,872
You want the red wire,
not the blue wire.

414
00:14:35,874 --> 00:14:38,242
Shut the hell up. I know what I'm doing.

415
00:14:38,244 --> 00:14:40,377
Oh, really? You know what you're doing?

416
00:14:40,379 --> 00:14:42,878
Tell that to Jake's son.

417
00:14:42,880 --> 00:14:44,314
How dare you.

418
00:14:44,316 --> 00:14:46,916
Don't you ever bring up Jake.

419
00:14:46,918 --> 00:14:48,785
Look, guys, I just want to say

420
00:14:48,787 --> 00:14:51,521
I'm sorry for dragging
us away from the package.

421
00:14:51,523 --> 00:14:53,388
I actually feel very,
very bad about this.

422
00:14:53,390 --> 00:14:54,958
Well, you should feel bad about it.

423
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:56,193
"Superbad" the movie bad about it.

424
00:14:56,195 --> 00:14:57,359
- I do.
- It's okay, bud.

425
00:14:57,361 --> 00:14:58,494
- Thank you.
- All is forgiven.

426
00:14:58,496 --> 00:14:59,695
- Get in here.
- Thank you.

427
00:14:59,697 --> 00:15:01,431
- I love you so much.
- All right.

428
00:15:01,433 --> 00:15:03,766
I'm just saying it's really, really hard

429
00:15:03,768 --> 00:15:05,669
to grow up without a dad,

430
00:15:05,671 --> 00:15:07,271
especially in Rancho.

431
00:15:07,273 --> 00:15:08,771
Okay. I wasn't gonna do this,

432
00:15:08,773 --> 00:15:11,306
but you're really pushing my buttons.

433
00:15:11,308 --> 00:15:12,776
Jake has a dad.

434
00:15:12,778 --> 00:15:14,810
Tina did a DNA test.

435
00:15:14,812 --> 00:15:16,747
It's you.

436
00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:19,949
I have a son?

437
00:15:19,951 --> 00:15:22,685
I have a son.

438
00:15:22,687 --> 00:15:23,954
I have a son!

439
00:15:23,956 --> 00:15:25,488
If you guys would just give the dudes

440
00:15:25,490 --> 00:15:26,890
a chance, you'd like 'em.

441
00:15:26,892 --> 00:15:28,726
They're actually really,
really cool dudes.

442
00:15:28,728 --> 00:15:31,828
They're actually really, really not.

443
00:15:31,830 --> 00:15:33,896
It's the tape.

444
00:15:33,898 --> 00:15:35,998
- They've got the tape.
- Act like we didn't do it.

445
00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:37,400
Yeah, right. Yeah.

446
00:15:37,402 --> 00:15:38,835
False alarm, everyone.

447
00:15:38,837 --> 00:15:40,704
- It was just a porno tape.
- Oh.

448
00:15:40,706 --> 00:15:42,539
It's "The Nutting Professor."

449
00:15:42,541 --> 00:15:46,209
It's Dan Yella. He busts mad loads.

450
00:15:46,211 --> 00:15:47,678
A porno tape?

451
00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:50,146
I wonder who would
be dumb enough to send

452
00:15:50,148 --> 00:15:51,680
- this to the office.
- Well, we all...

453
00:15:51,682 --> 00:15:54,117
Well, whoever it is, they
better fess up right now

454
00:15:54,119 --> 00:15:56,252
or everyone is working this weekend.

455
00:15:56,254 --> 00:15:58,955
Who's tape is this?

456
00:15:58,957 --> 00:16:00,656
It's mine, sorry.

457
00:16:00,658 --> 00:16:04,526
I think my package got delivered
to your office by mistake.

458
00:16:04,528 --> 00:16:07,329
Then, who called in the bomb threat?

459
00:16:07,331 --> 00:16:08,533
Bomb threat?

460
00:16:11,202 --> 00:16:12,468
- Hey! Hey!
- He just took the tape.

461
00:16:12,470 --> 00:16:13,770
Okay.

462
00:16:13,772 --> 00:16:14,771
Everyone back inside.

463
00:16:14,773 --> 00:16:15,671
Let's go now.

464
00:16:15,673 --> 00:16:17,239
Let's go. Everybody.

465
00:16:17,241 --> 00:16:18,909
Dude, this is the perfect
chance to unleash Beat-Ass.

466
00:16:18,911 --> 00:16:20,710
No, no. You're not unleashing Beat-Ass,

467
00:16:20,712 --> 00:16:22,378
okay, 'cause they've
ruined everything so far.

468
00:16:22,380 --> 00:16:23,713
- We're out. Ready?
- Yup. I'm with you.

469
00:16:23,715 --> 00:16:25,015
- I'm with Ders. Let's roll.
- Okay.

470
00:16:25,017 --> 00:16:26,282
- Let's go.
- This way.

471
00:16:27,619 --> 00:16:29,118
- Come on!
- I'm coming!

472
00:16:30,956 --> 00:16:34,524
Oh, no. He's getting into a minivan.

473
00:16:34,526 --> 00:16:36,626
The license plate said "MR.NULEAF."

474
00:16:36,628 --> 00:16:37,827
- To the 'Vo.
- All right.

475
00:16:37,829 --> 00:16:38,931
To the 'Vo!

476
00:16:40,965 --> 00:16:43,434
We can head him off if we just
go down this alley right here.

477
00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:45,069
What? What alley? There's no alley.

478
00:16:45,071 --> 00:16:46,368
We're in the Hills, dude.
What are you talking about?

479
00:16:46,370 --> 00:16:47,436
- Really?
- Yeah.

480
00:16:47,438 --> 00:16:49,540
Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

481
00:16:49,542 --> 00:16:51,141
These bumps are gonna make me bust!

482
00:16:51,143 --> 00:16:52,675
- No.
- Yeah.

483
00:16:52,677 --> 00:16:54,143
Here, I'll turn on some
music to distract you.

484
00:16:54,145 --> 00:16:55,511
Okay.

485
00:16:55,513 --> 00:16:56,780
That's what's going on

486
00:16:56,782 --> 00:16:58,515
Oh, damn.

487
00:16:58,517 --> 00:16:59,815
-  Nothing's fine, I'm torn
- No!

488
00:16:59,817 --> 00:17:01,950
I'm all out of faith

489
00:17:01,952 --> 00:17:04,219
This is how I feel

490
00:17:04,221 --> 00:17:06,256
I'm cold and I am shamed

491
00:17:06,258 --> 00:17:09,359
Lying naked on the floor

492
00:17:09,361 --> 00:17:11,697
Illusion never changed

493
00:17:14,165 --> 00:17:18,768
Oh, I ruined my best khakis.

494
00:17:18,770 --> 00:17:20,638
Damn it. He's going for the freeway.

495
00:17:24,209 --> 00:17:26,441
Somebody call for a superhero squad?

496
00:17:26,443 --> 00:17:28,111
Dude, you're too late, all right?

497
00:17:28,113 --> 00:17:30,212
You and the weirdos aren't
gonna beat that guy up the ramp.

498
00:17:35,220 --> 00:17:37,187
That's where you're wrong.

499
00:17:37,189 --> 00:17:39,489
Total Package, I'm gonna
need your blade legs.

500
00:17:39,491 --> 00:17:42,124
Dr. Heals-Good, let me
borrow Chester for a second.

501
00:17:42,126 --> 00:17:43,892
Thanks, bro.

502
00:17:43,894 --> 00:17:44,829
Awesome.

503
00:17:46,597 --> 00:17:48,832
Whoa. Buy me dinner first!

504
00:17:48,834 --> 00:17:50,033
What?

505
00:18:12,190 --> 00:18:13,824
Oh, my God.

506
00:18:13,826 --> 00:18:14,757
Was that a baby?

507
00:18:14,759 --> 00:18:16,526
That is a ventriloquist dummy

508
00:18:16,528 --> 00:18:18,460
that I threw at your
vehicle to stop you.

509
00:18:18,462 --> 00:18:20,096
Why would you do that?

510
00:18:20,098 --> 00:18:22,132
Because you took something
that belongs to my friends

511
00:18:22,134 --> 00:18:23,967
and me.

512
00:18:23,969 --> 00:18:26,736
Chester!

513
00:18:29,307 --> 00:18:31,641
Sorry about that, man. I
hope it didn't cost too much.

514
00:18:31,643 --> 00:18:33,776
All right. Hand it over, NULEAF.

515
00:18:33,778 --> 00:18:36,145
That's right. We know it's you.

516
00:18:36,147 --> 00:18:38,814
Come on. Why would you want it so bad?

517
00:18:38,816 --> 00:18:39,615
Wait a second.

518
00:18:39,617 --> 00:18:41,316
I know that voice.

519
00:18:41,318 --> 00:18:42,686
That's Dan Yella!

520
00:18:42,688 --> 00:18:44,557
Take off your sunglasses and hat.

521
00:18:47,424 --> 00:18:49,625
Right?

522
00:18:49,627 --> 00:18:50,927
Pornographic memory. I just...

523
00:18:50,929 --> 00:18:51,961
Yeah. Yeah, no.

524
00:18:51,963 --> 00:18:53,496
It's totally him,

525
00:18:53,498 --> 00:18:55,731
but he's got, like, a bunch
of old man makeup on and a wig.

526
00:18:55,733 --> 00:18:57,601
This isn't makeup or a wig.

527
00:18:57,603 --> 00:18:59,768
I'm just older, and I grew my hair out.

528
00:18:59,770 --> 00:19:01,470
I'm a normal guy now.

529
00:19:01,472 --> 00:19:03,873
I made one stupid film, and
now I've spent all these years

530
00:19:03,875 --> 00:19:07,310
trying to get every last copy
of it back off the Internet.

531
00:19:07,312 --> 00:19:09,813
Why would you want to destroy
something so beautiful?

532
00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:11,480
Because he's about to be a father.

533
00:19:11,482 --> 00:19:13,083
He's already a father, okay?

534
00:19:13,085 --> 00:19:15,052
- He's our porn daddy.
- He taught me how to bone.

535
00:19:15,054 --> 00:19:17,219
Honestly, it would mean the world to us

536
00:19:17,221 --> 00:19:20,923
if we could watch you bone
one last time, Mr. Yella.

537
00:19:20,925 --> 00:19:22,359
Yeah.

538
00:19:22,361 --> 00:19:24,561
Okay.

539
00:19:24,563 --> 00:19:26,895
Maybe we could do a one-time only

540
00:19:26,897 --> 00:19:29,766
private sex show between my wife and I,

541
00:19:29,768 --> 00:19:31,901
but then I get to keep the tape.

542
00:19:31,903 --> 00:19:34,737
What? Dan.

543
00:19:34,739 --> 00:19:37,207
Brenda, come on. Look at these losers.

544
00:19:37,209 --> 00:19:38,576
It's all they have.

545
00:19:40,479 --> 00:19:41,844
Yeah. We should do it.

546
00:19:41,846 --> 00:19:43,112
- Yes!
- Thank you!

547
00:19:45,750 --> 00:19:47,417
Can't wait to see it.

548
00:19:47,419 --> 00:19:48,785
- Yeah.
- Is it still bent?

549
00:19:48,787 --> 00:19:50,088
Is it still, like, a little bent?

550
00:20:00,531 --> 00:20:02,332
Have they started yet?

551
00:20:02,334 --> 00:20:04,567
I wish I could see.

552
00:20:06,305 --> 00:20:07,737
I'm gonna go get my lube.

553
00:20:07,739 --> 00:20:09,240
All right. Yeah. Cool.

554
00:20:11,108 --> 00:20:12,577
I'm okay.

555
00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:16,345
Okay, yeah, no.

556
00:20:16,347 --> 00:20:18,448
- I am so not into this.
- Yeah.

557
00:20:18,450 --> 00:20:23,021
I... pretty much empty down there
after the whole you-know-what.

558
00:20:24,856 --> 00:20:26,389
Yeah. Let's get out of here.

559
00:20:26,391 --> 00:20:27,990
- Thanks, though, seriously.
- Yeah. Thanks a lot.

560
00:20:27,992 --> 00:20:29,493
- You're a trooper.
- All right.

561
00:20:29,495 --> 00:20:31,093
Suit yourselves, guys.

562
00:20:31,095 --> 00:20:33,696
Okay, Honey. Let's lose the tops.

563
00:20:33,698 --> 00:20:36,900
All right. Got my lube.

564
00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:38,567
Okay.

565
00:20:38,569 --> 00:20:40,035
All right.

566
00:20:40,037 --> 00:20:42,506
Here we go.

567
00:20:42,508 --> 00:20:44,173
Dan Yella. This is cool.

568
00:20:44,175 --> 00:20:47,376
This is fun. It's like a
dream come true, honestly.

569
00:20:47,378 --> 00:20:49,078
All right. Mmm.

570
00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:50,580
Potent smell.

571
00:20:50,582 --> 00:20:52,148
Smells like sandwiches.

572
00:20:52,150 --> 00:20:53,285
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