1 00:00:01,101 --> 00:00:02,500 Movie night, baby. I love it. 2 00:00:02,669 --> 00:00:05,001 Yeah. What are you sitting in? I'm not mad at it. 3 00:00:05,338 --> 00:00:06,498 - You can't be mad at this. - No. 4 00:00:06,806 --> 00:00:07,898 The real question here 5 00:00:07,974 --> 00:00:10,408 is how not mad are you at this beer mug? 6 00:00:10,477 --> 00:00:13,037 Oh, very un-mad. It's a lot of fun. 7 00:00:13,113 --> 00:00:15,013 - Thank you. - Okay. 8 00:00:15,081 --> 00:00:18,881 Let's kick things off here with a foot job comp. 9 00:00:19,085 --> 00:00:20,746 - All right. - Okay. Let's do it. 10 00:00:23,490 --> 00:00:25,014 Hmm. 11 00:00:25,191 --> 00:00:26,818 You know, not my porno. 12 00:00:26,926 --> 00:00:28,086 Why don't we go bottom right, right there? 13 00:00:28,161 --> 00:00:29,185 - That butt. - I got it. 14 00:00:29,262 --> 00:00:31,093 - That butt's just winking at me. - I know where you're going'. 15 00:00:32,899 --> 00:00:33,957 Mmm, nope. 16 00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:35,661 - Not my porno. - She's cute. 17 00:00:35,735 --> 00:00:37,032 A little Amy Schumer looking... 18 00:00:39,139 --> 00:00:41,164 No. He's rushing. Not my porno. 19 00:00:41,241 --> 00:00:42,265 Pace yourself, bud. 20 00:00:42,342 --> 00:00:43,775 - Geez. - You know? 21 00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:46,368 Hey! How are you? 22 00:00:46,446 --> 00:00:47,640 Howdy. 23 00:00:47,714 --> 00:00:50,376 Can't see through the sheet, can they? 24 00:00:51,785 --> 00:00:53,582 - No. I wouldn't think so. - No. 25 00:00:53,700 --> 00:00:57,700 Ripped & Corrected By mstoll 26 00:00:57,991 --> 00:01:00,323 I'm fresh 27 00:01:00,493 --> 00:01:02,518 You gotta, you gotta You gotta, gotta 28 00:01:02,595 --> 00:01:03,857 Gotta be fresh 29 00:01:05,865 --> 00:01:06,923 I mean what are we doing? 30 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:08,592 - What happened to porno? - That's what I was thinking. 31 00:01:08,668 --> 00:01:10,260 I feel like it's lost all of its nuance. 32 00:01:10,336 --> 00:01:12,270 That's right. Now, it's just... 33 00:01:12,338 --> 00:01:15,398 It's like a jackhammer just plugging away at a RealDoll, 34 00:01:15,475 --> 00:01:17,204 which I've actually seen that video before, 35 00:01:17,277 --> 00:01:19,040 - and I liked it more than this. - Yeah. 36 00:01:19,245 --> 00:01:22,476 I'm sorry, I like my porn stars with acting chops. 37 00:01:22,582 --> 00:01:25,415 Yes, they should also have very expressive eyes 38 00:01:25,485 --> 00:01:27,350 - while they're kind of... - Honestly, I miss Dan Yella. 39 00:01:27,487 --> 00:01:30,012 - I mean what a porn star. - Yeah. 40 00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:31,318 - Absolutely. - Dare I say, starred 41 00:01:31,391 --> 00:01:33,086 in the greatest porno of all time, 42 00:01:33,593 --> 00:01:34,685 The Nutting Professor. 43 00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:36,023 Oh, you're dating yourself. 44 00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:37,188 I am. I am a little bit. 45 00:01:37,363 --> 00:01:39,297 And Dan Yella, what a performance. 46 00:01:39,365 --> 00:01:41,390 Are you kidding me? Seven different roles. 47 00:01:41,601 --> 00:01:43,125 Remember the aunt in the fat suit? 48 00:01:43,336 --> 00:01:44,428 "Oh, jerk it, please! 49 00:01:44,504 --> 00:01:45,869 - "Jerk it, please!" - Yes. Thank you. 50 00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:47,964 Oh, the roll around the dinner table. 51 00:01:48,174 --> 00:01:49,300 And what a body. 52 00:01:49,375 --> 00:01:50,774 I didn't mind all the pubes. 53 00:01:50,844 --> 00:01:52,402 I mean they were everywhere. I didn't care. 54 00:01:52,579 --> 00:01:55,173 I mean there's literally no other man 55 00:01:55,248 --> 00:01:57,443 - I'd rather watch do sex. - Yeah. 56 00:01:57,517 --> 00:01:58,745 You know what? 57 00:01:58,818 --> 00:02:01,719 To Mr. Dan Yella, our porno daddy. 58 00:02:01,788 --> 00:02:04,552 - To Dan Yella. - Mr. Dan Yella. 59 00:02:04,824 --> 00:02:06,416 Well, after scouring the internet, 60 00:02:06,493 --> 00:02:07,482 I couldn't find The Nutting Professor, 61 00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:08,754 and I checked Brazzers, 62 00:02:08,828 --> 00:02:12,195 Bangbros, Mofos, Rancho fucko, Pornhub, 63 00:02:12,265 --> 00:02:13,823 - and YouPorn. - I know. 64 00:02:14,234 --> 00:02:15,599 And I tried PornTube, fapdu, 65 00:02:15,668 --> 00:02:17,067 - YouJizz, Jizzpros. - Yeah. 66 00:02:17,137 --> 00:02:18,798 I even tried Sublime Directory. 67 00:02:18,872 --> 00:02:20,669 Did you just say "Sublime Directory"? 68 00:02:20,740 --> 00:02:22,731 - Uh, yes, I did. - Found it! Yup. 69 00:02:22,809 --> 00:02:25,607 And it wasn't on xHamster, 8th Street Latinas, 70 00:02:25,678 --> 00:02:28,146 Captain Stabbin, or Mike in Brazil. 71 00:02:28,214 --> 00:02:29,579 I love Mike in Brazil, 72 00:02:29,649 --> 00:02:31,310 'cause he was in an apartment, and then he went to Brazil. 73 00:02:31,384 --> 00:02:33,181 It's just a cool way to see Brazil. 74 00:02:33,253 --> 00:02:34,345 See the world, really. 75 00:02:34,420 --> 00:02:35,546 Guess where I did find it, though. 76 00:02:35,622 --> 00:02:37,487 - Where? - EBay. Yeah. 77 00:02:37,557 --> 00:02:38,990 Two VHS copies, 78 00:02:39,058 --> 00:02:41,151 and I'm currently the highest bidder. 79 00:02:41,227 --> 00:02:43,161 That is awesome. 80 00:02:43,229 --> 00:02:45,026 Yeah. Get on over here, dude. 81 00:02:45,098 --> 00:02:46,827 Check it out. So I've just been in this bidding war 82 00:02:46,900 --> 00:02:49,630 with "mrnuleaf," And there's, well, 83 00:02:49,702 --> 00:02:51,192 there's 30 seconds left, so... 84 00:02:51,271 --> 00:02:53,569 Oh. I just thought of something cool. 85 00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:54,902 - What? - What if we make a pact to, 86 00:02:54,974 --> 00:02:56,965 like, not crank down until we get the movie? 87 00:02:57,043 --> 00:02:58,271 Yeah, okay. That sounds like a good... 88 00:02:58,344 --> 00:03:00,312 Bad idea. That's, like, not cool, right? 89 00:03:00,780 --> 00:03:03,613 You know, I... And that's where I disagree with you, Anders. 90 00:03:03,683 --> 00:03:05,082 I think it's necessary 91 00:03:05,151 --> 00:03:08,348 because we must show respect for Dan Yella, right? 92 00:03:08,421 --> 00:03:10,013 I don't know. I don't know. 93 00:03:10,089 --> 00:03:12,080 - You're acting a little weird. - I'm not being weird. 94 00:03:12,158 --> 00:03:13,625 Five seconds. Five seconds. 95 00:03:13,693 --> 00:03:15,991 Four, three, two. Hit it. Hit it. 96 00:03:16,062 --> 00:03:17,461 - That was too early. - You gotta... 97 00:03:17,530 --> 00:03:20,795 I won! Yeah! We won! We won! 98 00:03:20,867 --> 00:03:22,630 Congratulations. Good stuff, babe. 99 00:03:22,702 --> 00:03:24,169 - So we won't crank down? - Yeah. 100 00:03:24,237 --> 00:03:25,397 - No cranking down. - Okay. 101 00:03:25,471 --> 00:03:27,098 That's official. That's fine. 102 00:03:27,173 --> 00:03:29,539 I don't even know what to do since we can't jerk off. 103 00:03:29,609 --> 00:03:31,008 I guess have some toast. 104 00:03:33,846 --> 00:03:35,871 Man. 105 00:03:35,949 --> 00:03:38,747 You guys ever notice Didi got a real booty on her? 106 00:03:42,455 --> 00:03:43,888 I've never noticed that. 107 00:03:43,957 --> 00:03:45,754 No, I was waiting for that notification on my phone 108 00:03:45,825 --> 00:03:47,315 about the package getting home. 109 00:03:47,393 --> 00:03:49,486 When we get home, I call dibs on watching it first. 110 00:03:49,562 --> 00:03:52,190 No, no, no, no, no. Let me get it. 111 00:03:52,265 --> 00:03:53,664 Ders, what's going on? 112 00:03:53,733 --> 00:03:54,961 Is something wrong? 113 00:03:57,136 --> 00:03:59,331 Okay. I... 114 00:03:59,405 --> 00:04:01,430 It was May 29th, 2001. 115 00:04:02,408 --> 00:04:03,636 I was on vaycay with my parents, 116 00:04:03,710 --> 00:04:05,905 and we were staying in the same room, 117 00:04:05,979 --> 00:04:08,345 so I couldn't stroke my dog. 118 00:04:08,414 --> 00:04:09,711 Believe me, I tried. 119 00:04:09,782 --> 00:04:11,272 One day, they went horseback riding 120 00:04:11,351 --> 00:04:14,377 and dropped me off at a taping of VH1 Storytellers. 121 00:04:14,454 --> 00:04:17,890 Can you tell the story faster? 'Cause it's super boring. 122 00:04:17,957 --> 00:04:20,118 No, no, no. Keep this pace. 123 00:04:20,193 --> 00:04:21,524 Mmm-mmm. That's my tempo. 124 00:04:21,594 --> 00:04:26,588 Anyway, the artist was Natalie Imbruglia, 125 00:04:26,666 --> 00:04:28,497 and she was singing her song, Torn. 126 00:04:28,568 --> 00:04:31,469 And then you ejacked in your little boy pants. 127 00:04:31,537 --> 00:04:34,506 No. What are you... Okay. Yes, I did. 128 00:04:34,574 --> 00:04:35,768 But it was a whole bunch. 129 00:04:35,842 --> 00:04:37,810 I fainted and I had to go to the doctor. 130 00:04:37,877 --> 00:04:40,072 So I've jacked off every day since, 131 00:04:40,146 --> 00:04:43,047 and it's been three days, so I think I need first dibs, okay? 132 00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:44,174 - Okay. - Great. 133 00:04:44,250 --> 00:04:45,239 Yeah. That's fine. 134 00:04:45,318 --> 00:04:47,115 - I care so little. - Yeah. 135 00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:48,754 So you didn't even need to tell that stupid story. 136 00:04:48,821 --> 00:04:50,379 He's right. That story really fizzled. 137 00:04:50,456 --> 00:04:51,855 It was bad, and they always are. 138 00:04:51,924 --> 00:04:53,152 That's the thing about your stories. 139 00:04:53,226 --> 00:04:56,627 - And no offense... - Package is at the house. 140 00:04:56,696 --> 00:04:58,220 Package is at the house. Let's go. 141 00:04:58,298 --> 00:04:59,925 It's almost 5:00, right? We can go, right? Let's go. 142 00:04:59,999 --> 00:05:01,227 - Let's go. - All right, yeah. 143 00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:02,290 Now we're talking. 144 00:05:04,070 --> 00:05:06,504 All right. 145 00:05:06,572 --> 00:05:07,903 Whoo! I haven't seen it in so long. 146 00:05:10,043 --> 00:05:11,067 It's not here. 147 00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:12,338 - Huh? - It's not here! 148 00:05:12,412 --> 00:05:13,572 - What? - What are you talking about? Where is it? 149 00:05:13,646 --> 00:05:15,477 Okay. Don't panic. 150 00:05:15,548 --> 00:05:17,607 Um, probably had a neighbor sign for it. 151 00:05:17,684 --> 00:05:19,481 Yeah. That's probably what it is. 152 00:05:19,552 --> 00:05:21,042 No reason to panic. 153 00:05:23,456 --> 00:05:24,445 - Hey. - Hello. 154 00:05:24,524 --> 00:05:26,389 Dean, how's it going? 155 00:05:26,459 --> 00:05:28,654 We're just wondering if you signed for a package for us? 156 00:05:28,728 --> 00:05:30,753 No. I didn't sign for anything. 157 00:05:30,830 --> 00:05:32,559 Package has probably got stolen. 158 00:05:32,632 --> 00:05:33,929 I've had a bunch taken recently. 159 00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:35,627 Honey, can you call the dogs? 160 00:05:35,702 --> 00:05:36,760 Shake the treat box. 161 00:05:36,836 --> 00:05:39,066 Shake the treat box! Sorry. 162 00:05:39,138 --> 00:05:40,833 I'd say maybe try the neighborhood watch, 163 00:05:40,907 --> 00:05:42,670 although they've been fairly useless recently. 164 00:05:42,742 --> 00:05:44,232 Yeah. Hey, you know what? 165 00:05:44,310 --> 00:05:46,039 We should start a vigilante group of our own 166 00:05:46,112 --> 00:05:48,273 - to catch this guy. - God damn it! 167 00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:49,781 Shake the treat box, Vicki! 168 00:05:49,849 --> 00:05:51,282 No. I'm serious, man. 169 00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:53,819 We could be, like, superheroes. We could wear costumes. 170 00:05:53,886 --> 00:05:56,377 Ah, or we couldn't wear costumes 171 00:05:56,456 --> 00:05:59,823 - 'cause it's a dumb idea, right, Ders? - Yup. 172 00:05:59,892 --> 00:06:02,053 - And that's why you're my best friend. - That's why I love you, man. 173 00:06:02,128 --> 00:06:03,595 - Great. - I really do. Hey, Dean-o, what got stolen? 174 00:06:03,663 --> 00:06:06,598 Dude, I ordered this awesome inflatable chair, 175 00:06:06,666 --> 00:06:08,156 this cowboy boot-shaped mug. 176 00:06:08,234 --> 00:06:09,667 You guys should come over sometime. 177 00:06:09,736 --> 00:06:11,135 We can do beers, watch a Blues game. 178 00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:13,138 Yeah. You know, maybe we will. 179 00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:14,639 And thanks for the help today. Appreciate it. 180 00:06:14,707 --> 00:06:15,901 - Cool, good luck, guys. - Yeah, thanks. 181 00:06:15,975 --> 00:06:16,999 You're a good guy. 182 00:06:17,076 --> 00:06:18,168 He is good. 183 00:06:18,244 --> 00:06:20,405 Okay, yeah. I stole some things from Dean. 184 00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:22,944 We need to trap this guy who stole our package 185 00:06:23,015 --> 00:06:25,677 and get our tape back so I can evacuate. 186 00:06:25,752 --> 00:06:28,380 And that's why vigilante group is a great idea. 187 00:06:28,454 --> 00:06:30,217 Check it out. 188 00:06:30,289 --> 00:06:31,620 - Beat-Ass. - I don't like that. 189 00:06:31,691 --> 00:06:33,488 - That's just Kick-Ass. - No. 190 00:06:33,559 --> 00:06:34,583 Yeah. It's Kick-Ass, basically. 191 00:06:34,694 --> 00:06:37,595 Adam, I heard you, since you had this conversation 192 00:06:37,663 --> 00:06:38,823 on my front step. 193 00:06:38,898 --> 00:06:40,263 I want my stuff back, buddy. 194 00:06:41,134 --> 00:06:42,158 Scoot! Scoot! 195 00:06:42,268 --> 00:06:43,599 - Go, go! - Scoot! 196 00:06:43,669 --> 00:06:45,296 - Bye, Dean! - All right. 197 00:06:45,371 --> 00:06:47,202 - So you're buried in the ground. - I am, yes. 198 00:06:47,273 --> 00:06:49,434 Now, I'm gonna put this box over your head, right, 199 00:06:49,509 --> 00:06:52,740 and I wrote "Valuable electronics. Do not touch" on it. 200 00:06:52,812 --> 00:06:53,972 When he takes the box... 201 00:06:55,648 --> 00:06:57,240 - Spray him with the mace. - Yeah. 202 00:06:57,316 --> 00:06:59,079 Meanwhile, Blake and I, we're gonna be over here in the 'vo. 203 00:06:59,152 --> 00:07:00,949 We're gonna jump out. We're gonna pounce. 204 00:07:01,020 --> 00:07:03,420 No, no, no, no, no. Gnargoyle doesn't sit in cars. 205 00:07:03,489 --> 00:07:06,219 I already told you this. He perches high above the city, 206 00:07:06,292 --> 00:07:10,592 and then swoops down on his zip line when the city needs him. 207 00:07:10,663 --> 00:07:13,723 - Your shirt says "eat-ass." - What? 208 00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:15,631 Oh, God dang it. 209 00:07:15,701 --> 00:07:16,963 The "b" keeps falling off. 210 00:07:17,036 --> 00:07:18,765 Hey, how are you gonna be fighting crime 211 00:07:18,838 --> 00:07:20,465 when you're busy eating ass all day? 212 00:07:21,774 --> 00:07:24,299 You're not gonna be laughing when the Gnargoyle swoops down 213 00:07:24,377 --> 00:07:27,244 and wreaks vigilante justice upon the city. 214 00:07:27,313 --> 00:07:28,302 - Gnargoyle? - Yeah. 215 00:07:28,381 --> 00:07:29,405 You want to know what else isn't funny? 216 00:07:29,482 --> 00:07:30,813 Made a Facebook page for Beat-Ass. 217 00:07:30,883 --> 00:07:32,612 - Already got two likes. - That's cool. 218 00:07:32,685 --> 00:07:34,050 You found two guys on the internet 219 00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:35,781 who wanted to get together and eat each other's butts. 220 00:07:35,855 --> 00:07:37,584 Very cool. 221 00:07:38,024 --> 00:07:40,822 Oh! That was the best one yet. 222 00:07:49,035 --> 00:07:51,469 Evil lurks in Cucamonga. 223 00:07:51,537 --> 00:07:53,129 A hero waits. 224 00:07:53,339 --> 00:07:58,140 His lower thigh's really starting to hurt from perching. 225 00:07:58,211 --> 00:07:59,678 Hey, guys? 226 00:07:59,745 --> 00:08:01,269 I'm getting hungry. 227 00:08:01,347 --> 00:08:03,281 Can one of you go make me a grilled cheese? 228 00:08:03,916 --> 00:08:06,043 Shh! Quiet! 229 00:08:06,118 --> 00:08:07,176 You're gonna ruin this. 230 00:08:07,820 --> 00:08:10,380 You believe this guy? It's like this is his first stakeout or something. 231 00:08:10,456 --> 00:08:12,424 Shut up. Someone's coming. Someone's coming. 232 00:08:15,595 --> 00:08:16,823 - Is it on? - Yeah. 233 00:08:16,896 --> 00:08:18,761 We're ready. Let's do this. 234 00:08:25,872 --> 00:08:27,237 I've got visual, 235 00:08:27,306 --> 00:08:31,242 and it looks like a black guy in a hoodie. 236 00:08:31,310 --> 00:08:32,971 - It's probably our guy, man. - Oh, whoa. 237 00:08:33,045 --> 00:08:34,706 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay. 238 00:08:34,780 --> 00:08:37,613 Being black and wearing a hoodie is not a crime, okay? 239 00:08:37,683 --> 00:08:38,911 Come on. 240 00:08:38,985 --> 00:08:40,646 No. No, no. I know. I'm not saying that. 241 00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:42,278 I'm saying obviously, he could be anybody. 242 00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:44,380 He could be a dentist or a judge 243 00:08:44,457 --> 00:08:47,392 or a prince of Bel-Air or something. 244 00:08:55,034 --> 00:08:57,901 Crazy dirty down here. 245 00:09:04,110 --> 00:09:05,873 Halt! 246 00:09:05,945 --> 00:09:09,437 Flying drop kick attack! 247 00:09:10,683 --> 00:09:11,945 Ow! 248 00:09:12,084 --> 00:09:13,517 Hey. Okay. Okay. 249 00:09:13,586 --> 00:09:16,453 We know you're the robber, so just give us the porno. 250 00:09:16,522 --> 00:09:17,887 Yeah. 251 00:09:17,957 --> 00:09:20,050 What? I'm here to join a group called Beat-Ass. 252 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:22,460 Oh, you made it. 253 00:09:22,528 --> 00:09:24,621 Welcome to Beat-Ass HQ. 254 00:09:25,364 --> 00:09:26,854 How many? How many fingers am I holding up? 255 00:09:27,333 --> 00:09:30,063 - Sixteen? - Are you happy? 256 00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:33,270 Your friend over here ruined our plan and blinded Adam. 257 00:09:33,339 --> 00:09:34,829 Okay. He has a name, all right, 258 00:09:34,907 --> 00:09:36,101 which I don't know, actually. 259 00:09:36,175 --> 00:09:37,164 What is your name, friend? 260 00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:38,642 My real name's Brian, 261 00:09:38,711 --> 00:09:41,578 but my superhero name is Dr. Heals-Good. 262 00:09:42,181 --> 00:09:43,808 Okay. Very positive. 263 00:09:43,883 --> 00:09:46,181 Mine is actually the Gnargoyle. 264 00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:47,276 - Hey, Blake. - What? 265 00:09:47,353 --> 00:09:48,547 It's all well and good, 266 00:09:48,621 --> 00:09:50,680 but I am fucking blind over here! 267 00:09:50,756 --> 00:09:55,420 Well, they don't call me Dr. Heals-Good for no reason. 268 00:09:55,494 --> 00:09:57,189 Wait. Are you, like, a real doctor? 269 00:09:57,263 --> 00:09:59,390 With my best friend, Chester, 270 00:09:59,465 --> 00:10:02,491 I can heal people with the greatest medicine of all, 271 00:10:02,568 --> 00:10:03,796 laughter. 272 00:10:03,869 --> 00:10:04,995 I'm out of penicillin. 273 00:10:05,071 --> 00:10:07,005 - That was funny. - This, I hate. 274 00:10:07,073 --> 00:10:08,335 Who's Chester? 275 00:10:08,407 --> 00:10:10,136 - He's a dummy, Adam. - Okay, Ders. 276 00:10:10,209 --> 00:10:11,733 Not everybody's dummies, okay? 277 00:10:12,144 --> 00:10:14,908 I'm so sorry. Chester, please. 278 00:10:15,114 --> 00:10:16,411 Welcome to our home. 279 00:10:16,482 --> 00:10:18,006 This is ridiculous, okay? 280 00:10:18,084 --> 00:10:19,915 We have no porno! I'm on eBay. 281 00:10:19,986 --> 00:10:22,079 I'm bidding on another copy of The Nutting Professor. 282 00:10:22,154 --> 00:10:23,678 It's gonna be delivered to the office where 283 00:10:23,756 --> 00:10:26,350 it's gonna require a signature so no one can steal it. 284 00:10:26,425 --> 00:10:27,483 I remember that movie. 285 00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:29,152 "Jerk it, please! Jerk it please!" 286 00:10:30,863 --> 00:10:32,455 I mean I can't believe 287 00:10:32,531 --> 00:10:34,692 the doctor says I'm only gonna be blind for a week. 288 00:10:34,767 --> 00:10:36,132 It sucks, dude, 289 00:10:36,202 --> 00:10:38,762 because I could totally get chicks like this, right? 290 00:10:38,838 --> 00:10:40,237 Like, "Hey. What's up, bro? 291 00:10:40,306 --> 00:10:41,796 "Oh. Oh, sorry. You're a girl. 292 00:10:41,874 --> 00:10:43,034 "These are your boobs." 293 00:10:43,109 --> 00:10:45,509 Yeah, can you... Can you not squeeze 294 00:10:45,578 --> 00:10:48,103 perfect large air breasts in front of me, man? 295 00:10:48,180 --> 00:10:49,374 When am I gonna get this package? 296 00:10:49,448 --> 00:10:51,040 Give me a notification, baby. Come on. 297 00:10:51,117 --> 00:10:52,709 I'll play with air boobs all I want, Ders. 298 00:10:52,785 --> 00:10:55,652 Why don't you just tie a rubber band around your ding-dong? 299 00:10:55,721 --> 00:10:58,212 - What? - Yeah. That way, you can't ejack. 300 00:10:58,290 --> 00:10:59,689 - You know what? - What? 301 00:10:59,759 --> 00:11:01,784 I bet I'm gonna have, like, superhero powers. 302 00:11:01,861 --> 00:11:05,126 Like, my other senses are gonna be more on blast, right? 303 00:11:05,197 --> 00:11:06,221 Like Daredevil or something. 304 00:11:07,066 --> 00:11:08,192 Hey, guys. 305 00:11:08,267 --> 00:11:09,291 Whoa! 306 00:11:09,368 --> 00:11:11,029 Ders, I heard Jillian, 307 00:11:11,103 --> 00:11:13,697 like, clear as day from across the office. 308 00:11:14,273 --> 00:11:16,070 Yeah, she's right here in a skirt. 309 00:11:16,142 --> 00:11:18,269 Shut up. I smell it. 310 00:11:18,344 --> 00:11:19,811 She's eating something. 311 00:11:19,879 --> 00:11:20,903 It's like... 312 00:11:20,980 --> 00:11:22,504 It's, like, grapes or, like, 313 00:11:22,581 --> 00:11:25,141 peanut butter or... Like, peanut buttery grapes or, like... 314 00:11:25,217 --> 00:11:26,377 - Oh, no. That's... 315 00:11:26,452 --> 00:11:30,115 - No! Oh, Jesus Christ. - Adam, are you okay? You okay? 316 00:11:30,189 --> 00:11:31,383 Okay. Yes. She's right here. 317 00:11:31,457 --> 00:11:32,856 - That's Jillian. - Yeah, no. 318 00:11:32,925 --> 00:11:34,187 Sorry about the stink, though. 319 00:11:34,260 --> 00:11:35,693 - It's my pits. - Yes. They reek. 320 00:11:35,761 --> 00:11:37,194 - Yeah. They're really bad. - Yeah. 321 00:11:37,263 --> 00:11:38,821 Hot water's on the fritz, 322 00:11:38,898 --> 00:11:41,423 so I'm using the drinking fountain to take whore's baths. 323 00:11:41,500 --> 00:11:43,991 Whore's bath. What are you doing? 324 00:11:44,070 --> 00:11:45,264 What are you doing to me? 325 00:11:45,337 --> 00:11:48,238 I'm just gonna do the whole... Yup. 326 00:11:48,307 --> 00:11:49,296 What are you... Oh. 327 00:11:49,375 --> 00:11:52,208 And... Yeah. 328 00:11:52,278 --> 00:11:53,768 Guys. 329 00:11:53,846 --> 00:11:55,006 Come out to the parking lot. 330 00:11:55,081 --> 00:11:56,708 The package is here. 331 00:11:56,782 --> 00:11:57,806 - What? - Come on. 332 00:11:57,883 --> 00:11:59,908 - I didn't get a notification. - What? 333 00:12:00,019 --> 00:12:01,077 What package is it? 334 00:12:03,489 --> 00:12:06,390 - Well? - What's going on? Where's the package? 335 00:12:06,459 --> 00:12:08,950 What do you mean? Right here. 336 00:12:09,028 --> 00:12:11,656 Newest member of the Beat-Ass squad, the total package. 337 00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:13,858 Oh, okay. Dude, you know what? 338 00:12:13,933 --> 00:12:15,992 One question. Do you want me to bust on you? 339 00:12:16,068 --> 00:12:17,501 - No. - I will bust on you! 340 00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:19,470 - Don't bust on me. - Do not bust on him! 341 00:12:19,538 --> 00:12:20,630 What is wrong with you? 342 00:12:20,706 --> 00:12:22,298 Check it out. Total Package. 343 00:12:22,374 --> 00:12:23,568 Explosives expert. 344 00:12:23,642 --> 00:12:25,701 - Well, he's got a little demonstration. - Don't say "explosive." 345 00:12:25,778 --> 00:12:27,473 All right. So I've laced these roman candles 346 00:12:27,546 --> 00:12:29,514 with concentrated gun powder 347 00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:32,176 so they'll blow holes in this dumpster. 348 00:12:32,251 --> 00:12:33,275 Oh, come on, dude. 349 00:12:33,352 --> 00:12:34,580 - I love this. - Stand back. 350 00:12:34,653 --> 00:12:35,950 I would if I could see it. 351 00:12:36,021 --> 00:12:38,353 - Oh, yeah. There it is. - Whoa, what are you... Hey. 352 00:12:38,424 --> 00:12:39,948 You ever blow a hole in the dumpster? 353 00:12:40,025 --> 00:12:42,357 Did it kill someone, dude? Did you kill someone, dude? 354 00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:45,257 Uh, maybe I did the fuse wrong. 355 00:12:45,664 --> 00:12:47,325 Is this, by any chance, how you got your blade legs? 356 00:12:47,933 --> 00:12:49,423 This guy has blade legs? 357 00:12:49,502 --> 00:12:52,096 I lost my legs in Afghanistan, bro. 358 00:12:52,171 --> 00:12:54,071 That... Yeah. Sorry. Cool. 359 00:12:54,140 --> 00:12:55,539 - Thank you for your service. - Yeah. 360 00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:59,772 Setting off fireworks at a Kenny Chesney USO show. 361 00:12:59,845 --> 00:13:01,312 - Good for you. - That's cool. 362 00:13:01,380 --> 00:13:02,677 Whoa. 363 00:13:02,748 --> 00:13:04,272 Phone's on vibrate. 364 00:13:04,350 --> 00:13:05,442 Answer it. Dude, we have a pact. 365 00:13:05,518 --> 00:13:07,145 - Oh, get me there. Ooh, get me there. - Stop. Will you... 366 00:13:07,219 --> 00:13:08,345 - Stop it! No, no! - Oh, dude. 367 00:13:08,521 --> 00:13:09,954 - You're hard in there. - Yeah. 368 00:13:10,022 --> 00:13:11,489 Of course I am. Give me that. 369 00:13:11,557 --> 00:13:13,149 Hey, the package is here. 370 00:13:13,592 --> 00:13:15,287 Oh, no. 371 00:13:15,361 --> 00:13:16,350 That's awesome. 372 00:13:16,428 --> 00:13:18,259 Wait. Why "uh-oh"? 373 00:13:18,330 --> 00:13:19,854 Guess who just signed for it? 374 00:13:19,932 --> 00:13:21,866 Dude, what the heck? That's not our tape. 375 00:13:21,934 --> 00:13:23,299 - That's a TV. - It's both. 376 00:13:23,369 --> 00:13:26,600 Actually, it's a TV/VCR and the tape. 377 00:13:26,672 --> 00:13:27,798 The tape's stuck inside. 378 00:13:27,873 --> 00:13:30,637 - It's a combo thing. - Oh, okay, okay. Oh, no. 379 00:13:31,010 --> 00:13:32,534 No. She's looking in the slot. 380 00:13:32,611 --> 00:13:34,101 I wouldn't mind looking in her slot. 381 00:13:34,180 --> 00:13:36,978 We got to get her out of there before she busts us. 382 00:13:37,049 --> 00:13:38,482 Wait, what are you doing? 383 00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:40,416 What are you... 384 00:13:40,486 --> 00:13:41,976 Alice Murphy. 385 00:13:42,054 --> 00:13:44,682 I have had a bomb delivered to your office. 386 00:13:44,757 --> 00:13:48,488 It's inside of a TV/VCR from the '90s, 387 00:13:48,561 --> 00:13:50,256 and unless you get out now, 388 00:13:50,329 --> 00:13:52,923 - you're gonna die, bitch! - Oh, my God. 389 00:13:52,998 --> 00:13:55,558 Oh, my God, everyone! There's a bomb in the office! 390 00:13:55,634 --> 00:13:57,033 Everyone get into the parking lot now! 391 00:13:57,102 --> 00:13:59,161 - Go! Everyone go! - That doesn't make sense. 392 00:13:59,238 --> 00:14:01,433 Why would anyone... 393 00:14:01,507 --> 00:14:03,236 No, no, no, no. 394 00:14:03,309 --> 00:14:04,333 She locked it. 395 00:14:06,345 --> 00:14:08,404 Hey, remember that slot joke I just said? 396 00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:11,313 I feel like my comedy senses are, like, heightened. 397 00:14:19,758 --> 00:14:21,487 Way to go, Blake, once again. 398 00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:23,721 And by the way, these aren't tears coming out of my eyes. 399 00:14:23,796 --> 00:14:25,286 This is ejack bubbling out. 400 00:14:25,397 --> 00:14:27,831 You know, we could've been on our way to crank down town, 401 00:14:27,900 --> 00:14:30,733 that city, but you freaking screwed us. 402 00:14:30,803 --> 00:14:32,327 I... What are you talking about? I didn't screw us... 403 00:14:32,404 --> 00:14:34,372 I'm not the one who called in a bomb threat. 404 00:14:34,907 --> 00:14:36,636 Careful. Careful, careful! 405 00:14:36,709 --> 00:14:38,472 You want the red wire, not the blue wire. 406 00:14:38,544 --> 00:14:40,375 Shut the hell up. I know what I'm doing. 407 00:14:40,980 --> 00:14:43,073 Oh, really? You know what you're doing? 408 00:14:43,148 --> 00:14:45,582 Okay. Tell that to Jake's son. 409 00:14:45,651 --> 00:14:46,982 How dare you. 410 00:14:47,052 --> 00:14:49,111 Don't you ever bring up Jake. 411 00:14:49,321 --> 00:14:51,380 Look, guys, I just want to say 412 00:14:51,457 --> 00:14:53,982 I'm sorry for dragging us away from the package. 413 00:14:54,093 --> 00:14:55,958 I actually feel very, very bad about this. 414 00:14:56,028 --> 00:14:57,518 Well, you should feel bad about it. 415 00:14:57,596 --> 00:14:58,688 Superbad, the movie bad about it. 416 00:14:58,764 --> 00:14:59,856 - I do. - It's okay, bud. 417 00:14:59,932 --> 00:15:00,990 - Thank you. - All is forgiven. 418 00:15:01,066 --> 00:15:02,192 - Get in here. - Thank you. 419 00:15:02,268 --> 00:15:03,667 - I love you so much. - Adam! 420 00:15:03,836 --> 00:15:06,703 All right. I'm just saying it's really, really hard 421 00:15:06,772 --> 00:15:08,262 to grow up without a dad, 422 00:15:08,340 --> 00:15:09,739 especially in Rancho. 423 00:15:09,808 --> 00:15:11,241 Okay. I wasn't gonna do this, 424 00:15:11,310 --> 00:15:13,870 but you're really pushing my buttons. 425 00:15:13,946 --> 00:15:15,379 Jake has a dad. 426 00:15:15,447 --> 00:15:17,176 Tina did a DNA test. 427 00:15:17,249 --> 00:15:18,307 It's you. 428 00:15:19,418 --> 00:15:20,680 I have a son? 429 00:15:22,221 --> 00:15:24,917 I have a son. 430 00:15:24,990 --> 00:15:26,252 I have a son! 431 00:15:26,392 --> 00:15:27,984 If you guys would just give the dudes 432 00:15:28,060 --> 00:15:29,391 a chance, you'd like 'em. 433 00:15:29,461 --> 00:15:31,258 They're actually really, really cool dudes. 434 00:15:31,330 --> 00:15:34,322 They're actually really, really not. 435 00:15:34,667 --> 00:15:36,362 It's the tape. 436 00:15:36,435 --> 00:15:38,596 - They've got the tape. - Act like we didn't do it. 437 00:15:38,671 --> 00:15:40,002 Yeah, right. Yeah. 438 00:15:40,072 --> 00:15:41,334 False alarm, everyone. 439 00:15:41,407 --> 00:15:43,272 - It was just a porno tape. - Oh. 440 00:15:43,342 --> 00:15:45,173 It's The Nutting Professor. 441 00:15:45,277 --> 00:15:47,643 It's Dan Yella. He busts mad loads. 442 00:15:49,048 --> 00:15:50,345 A porno tape? 443 00:15:50,416 --> 00:15:52,850 I wonder who would be dumb enough to send 444 00:15:52,918 --> 00:15:54,351 - this to the office. - Well, we all... 445 00:15:54,420 --> 00:15:56,820 Well, whoever it is, they better fess up right now 446 00:15:56,889 --> 00:15:58,857 or everyone is working this weekend. 447 00:15:59,058 --> 00:16:01,652 Whose tape is this? 448 00:16:01,727 --> 00:16:03,354 It's mine, sorry. 449 00:16:03,429 --> 00:16:06,398 I think my package got delivered to your office by mistake. 450 00:16:07,333 --> 00:16:08,925 Then, who called in the bomb threat? 451 00:16:10,135 --> 00:16:11,466 Bomb threat? 452 00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:15,167 Hey! Hey! 453 00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:18,004 Oh, my God. Okay. Everyone back inside. Let's go now. 454 00:16:18,210 --> 00:16:19,700 Let's go. Everybody. 455 00:16:19,778 --> 00:16:21,405 Dude, this is the perfect chance to unleash Beat-Ass. 456 00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:23,175 No, no. You're not unleashing Beat-Ass, okay, 457 00:16:23,248 --> 00:16:24,977 'cause they've ruined everything so far. We're out of here. 458 00:16:25,050 --> 00:16:26,142 - Ready? - Yup. I'm with you. I'm with Ders. 459 00:16:26,218 --> 00:16:28,345 - Let's roll. - Okay. Let's go. 460 00:16:30,155 --> 00:16:31,645 - Come on! - I'm coming! 461 00:16:33,692 --> 00:16:34,954 Oh, no. He's getting into a minivan. 462 00:16:37,329 --> 00:16:39,297 The license plate said "mrnuleaf." 463 00:16:39,365 --> 00:16:40,559 - To the 'vo. - All right. 464 00:16:40,632 --> 00:16:41,724 To the 'vo! 465 00:16:43,769 --> 00:16:45,828 We can head him off if we just go down this alley right here. 466 00:16:45,904 --> 00:16:47,735 What? What alley? There's no alley. We're in the hills, dude. 467 00:16:47,806 --> 00:16:48,795 What are you talking about? 468 00:16:48,907 --> 00:16:49,896 - Really? - Yeah. 469 00:16:49,975 --> 00:16:51,966 Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. 470 00:16:52,044 --> 00:16:53,602 These bumps are gonna make me bust! 471 00:16:53,679 --> 00:16:55,146 - No. - Yeah. 472 00:16:55,214 --> 00:16:56,977 - Here, I'll turn on some music to distract you. - Okay. 473 00:16:57,049 --> 00:16:58,311 That's what's going on 474 00:16:58,384 --> 00:17:00,284 - Oh, damn. - No! 475 00:17:00,352 --> 00:17:01,910 Nothing's fine, I'm torn 476 00:17:01,987 --> 00:17:04,114 I'm all out of faith 477 00:17:04,189 --> 00:17:06,919 This is how I feel 478 00:17:06,992 --> 00:17:08,926 I'm cold and I am shamed 479 00:17:08,994 --> 00:17:11,895 Lying naked on the floor 480 00:17:11,964 --> 00:17:14,194 Illusion never changed... 481 00:17:16,368 --> 00:17:20,828 Oh, I ruined my best khakis. 482 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:23,099 Damn it. He's going for the freeway. 483 00:17:26,512 --> 00:17:28,673 Somebody call for a superhero squad? 484 00:17:28,747 --> 00:17:30,305 Dude, you're too late, all right? 485 00:17:30,382 --> 00:17:32,475 You and the weirdos aren't gonna beat that guy up the ramp. 486 00:17:37,923 --> 00:17:39,550 That's where you're wrong. 487 00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:41,951 Total Package, I'm gonna need your blade legs. 488 00:17:42,027 --> 00:17:44,621 Dr. Heals-Good, let me borrow Chester for a second. 489 00:17:44,930 --> 00:17:46,625 Thanks, bro. 490 00:17:46,698 --> 00:17:47,722 Awesome. 491 00:17:49,201 --> 00:17:50,532 Whoa. Buy me dinner first! 492 00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:52,529 What? 493 00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:17,485 Oh, my God. Was that a baby? 494 00:18:17,563 --> 00:18:19,155 That is a ventriloquist dummy 495 00:18:19,231 --> 00:18:20,892 that I threw at your vehicle to stop you. 496 00:18:20,966 --> 00:18:22,433 Why would you do that? 497 00:18:22,801 --> 00:18:24,632 Because you took something that belongs to my friends 498 00:18:24,703 --> 00:18:25,692 and me. 499 00:18:26,738 --> 00:18:28,171 Chester! 500 00:18:32,678 --> 00:18:35,203 Sorry about that, man. I hope it didn't cost too much. 501 00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:37,441 All right. Hand it over, nuleaf. 502 00:18:37,549 --> 00:18:38,982 That's right. We know it's you. 503 00:18:39,051 --> 00:18:41,747 Oh, come on. Why would you want it so bad? 504 00:18:41,820 --> 00:18:43,845 Wait a second. I know that voice. 505 00:18:43,922 --> 00:18:45,014 That's Dan Yella! 506 00:18:45,257 --> 00:18:47,248 Take off your sunglasses and hat. 507 00:18:50,429 --> 00:18:52,329 Right? 508 00:18:52,397 --> 00:18:53,796 Pornographic memory. I just... 509 00:18:53,866 --> 00:18:55,333 Yeah, no. It's totally him, 510 00:18:55,434 --> 00:18:58,301 but he's got, like, a bunch of old man makeup on and a wig. 511 00:18:58,370 --> 00:19:00,395 This isn't makeup or a wig. 512 00:19:00,472 --> 00:19:02,463 I'm just older, and I grew my hair out. 513 00:19:02,541 --> 00:19:03,838 I'm a normal guy now. 514 00:19:03,909 --> 00:19:06,434 I made one stupid film, and now I've spent all these years 515 00:19:06,512 --> 00:19:09,640 trying to get every last copy of it back off the internet. 516 00:19:10,082 --> 00:19:12,380 Why would you want to destroy something so beautiful? 517 00:19:12,451 --> 00:19:14,043 Because he's about to be a father. 518 00:19:14,119 --> 00:19:15,552 He's already a father, okay? 519 00:19:15,621 --> 00:19:17,748 - He's our porn daddy. - He taught me how to bone. 520 00:19:17,823 --> 00:19:19,882 Honestly, it would mean the world to us 521 00:19:19,958 --> 00:19:22,893 if we could watch you bone one last time, Mr. Yella. 522 00:19:22,961 --> 00:19:23,950 Yeah. 523 00:19:24,897 --> 00:19:26,956 Okay. 524 00:19:27,065 --> 00:19:29,363 Maybe we could do a one-time only 525 00:19:29,935 --> 00:19:32,699 private sex show between my wife and I, 526 00:19:32,771 --> 00:19:34,329 but then I get to keep the tape. 527 00:19:34,406 --> 00:19:37,068 What? Dan. 528 00:19:37,309 --> 00:19:39,641 Brenda, come on. Look at these losers. 529 00:19:40,145 --> 00:19:41,669 It's all they have. 530 00:19:43,482 --> 00:19:44,676 Yeah. We should do it. 531 00:19:44,750 --> 00:19:46,047 - Yes! - Thank you! 532 00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:50,278 Can't wait to see it. 533 00:19:50,355 --> 00:19:51,549 - Yeah. - Is it still bent? 534 00:19:51,623 --> 00:19:52,715 Is it still, like, a little bent? 535 00:20:04,603 --> 00:20:06,161 Have they started yet? 536 00:20:06,238 --> 00:20:08,399 I wish I could see. 537 00:20:10,108 --> 00:20:11,575 I'm gonna go get my lube. 538 00:20:11,643 --> 00:20:13,201 - All right. Yeah. Cool. - Mmm-hmm. 539 00:20:15,380 --> 00:20:17,007 I'm okay. 540 00:20:19,017 --> 00:20:20,177 Okay, yeah, no. 541 00:20:20,252 --> 00:20:22,777 - I am so not into this. - Yeah. 542 00:20:22,854 --> 00:20:27,621 I, uh, pretty much empty down there after the whole you-know-what. 543 00:20:28,460 --> 00:20:29,722 Yeah. Let's get out of here. 544 00:20:29,795 --> 00:20:31,763 - Thanks, though, seriously. - Yeah. Thanks a lot. 545 00:20:31,830 --> 00:20:33,388 - You're a trooper. - All right. 546 00:20:33,465 --> 00:20:34,864 Suit yourselves, guys. 547 00:20:34,933 --> 00:20:37,060 Okay, honey. Let's lose the tops. 548 00:20:37,703 --> 00:20:40,797 All right. Got my lube. 549 00:20:40,872 --> 00:20:42,464 Okay. 550 00:20:42,541 --> 00:20:43,940 All right. 551 00:20:44,009 --> 00:20:46,443 Here we go. 552 00:20:46,511 --> 00:20:48,001 Dan Yella. This is cool. 553 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:51,311 This is fun. It's like a dream come true, honestly. 554 00:20:51,383 --> 00:20:52,975 All right. Mmm. 555 00:20:53,051 --> 00:20:54,313 Potent smell. 556 00:20:54,386 --> 00:20:55,853 Smells like sandwiches. 557 00:20:56,121 --> 00:20:57,349 Nice. 558 00:21:01,660 --> 00:21:02,854 What's the package? 559 00:21:02,928 --> 00:21:04,327 - God, I just want to jack off so bad. - Guys, wait up. 560 00:21:04,396 --> 00:21:06,159 Hey, guys. What's the package? 561 00:21:06,431 --> 00:21:10,800 Ugh! Oh, you were lucky I'm in a hurry, Waymond, 562 00:21:10,869 --> 00:21:12,131 or I would wreck you! 563 00:21:12,204 --> 00:21:13,569 Little bitch. 564 00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:24,000 Ripped & Corrected By mstoll