(BLOWING)
(SNIFFLES)
(TICKING)
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Hello, Bournemouth 2353.
Yes, Gerald Durrell is my son.
Gerry.
(DOOR OPENS)
(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)
SECRETARY: Mrs Durrell...
You have just caned my son.
In a just society, you would be tied to a tree and whipped
for beating an innocent child.
He would rather feed the rats behind the cricket pavilion
than attend his classes.
Yes, because he's been bullied ever since arriving at this pitiful school!
And why do you think that is, dear?
Because... He's a bit different.
That's why children are bullied, you moron.
It's easy to see where his incivility comes from.
Don't use that language.
Don't instruct me. I am not one of your witless flunkies.
No offence. I'm sure you would be lovely, if you were allowed to be.
The purpose of education is to draw the best out of children,
not to beat fear into them.
A father would no doubt have ironed out more of their shortcomings.
I look forward to a letter of apology.
Oh, he won't be returning.
I'd rather he were taught by monkeys.
Mum, I'd love that.
- Can we do that? - Don't be daft, Gerry.
- (SMACKS) - Ow!
What do you mean, I'm a bit different?
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Ripped By mstoll
(SLURPING)
(DOOR OPENS)
How could you have stood by and let me become an estate agent?
I am a writer.
You don't actually write, though, do you, darling?
- Yes, I'm a fashion model. - (CHUCKLES) Fighter pilot.
Mmm.
- Oh, by the way, I've left school. - No, you haven't.
Look if Gerry can do it, so can I.
Anyway, I've taken my uniform into the garden and shot it, so...
I might as well leave, too. I'm as thick as two short planks.
As soon as I can find a husband, I'll be off.
What is the matter with all of you?
GERRY: Roger.
LARRY: Here he is, the unteachable leading the untrainable.
(SIGHS)
We should go to Corfu.
MARGO: I've been.
- Corfu Castle. - Huh.
I'm not going back till they've put a roof on it.
It's Corfe Castle, darling.
(LAUGHS) Jesus, Margo!
- No, Corfu's a Greek island. - I told you I was dim.
- (SHATTERS) - (SHRIEKS)
Darling, you are not dim!
You're 16, what's all this about a husband?
My friend Donald lives in Corfu.
He says it's dirt cheap, so I can write there,
full of disgusting animals for Gerry, and Leslie, you can shoot them.
- Hey Margo... - I'll pack.
We are not going anywhere.
We can't just run away from our problems.
Good afternoon, Mrs Durrell.
- Oh, Louisa, please. - Indeed.
We widowed folk must stick together.
- You should come and have that sherry. - Yes, I should.
Since I retired I've played a lot of bowls. Do you play?
If only I had the time. And the bowls. (LAUGHS)
Let me speak plainly.
You are an attractive lady and I am an attractive man.
The children need a father figure.
And I'm a big admirer of boarding schools.
Come on! (LAUGHS)
(SIGHS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
Er...
Hello.
Why are you so miserable?
Perhaps it's because I thought I was a good mother
and yet, all I've managed to do is bring up one unteachable son,
one psychopath, one vacuous daughter and you.
- What's wrong with me? - And worse than that,
none of you seems happy.
There's no laughter in this house any more.
Writers shouldn't be happy. It's counter-productive.
You're not a writer, darling, you sell houses.
Oh, it's a flag of convenience.
What about you, you drink like a fish, if fish drunk gin.
(LARRY SIGHS)
And I know we've got money problems. There are no secrets in this family.
There are secrets, actually.
Oh, God, you're not dying, are you?
No, I'm not dying.
(SIGHS)
The secret is...
That I can't live like this any more.
When you were all small, it was like we were on a journey,
always moving forward.
And now we've stopped moving forward...
And we are sinking.
(INHALES)
So, for once in my life, Larry, I have decided to take your advice.
Which advice?
(SNORES)
(SPEAKING GREEK)
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
(HORSE WHINNYING)
You know, a taxi would probably cost the same as a banana in Bournemouth.
We should start as we mean to go on.
- Wanting to kill each other? - That's economising.
Look, I can see the village up ahead, look.
(LOUISA GRUNTS)
You are not serious.
Now, look.
The house sale barely covered our debts.
We have no money.
- I have a miserly widow's pension... - You are a miserly widow.
Be quiet. And you all earn precisely nothing.
We're not on holiday.
We are here to live,
like local people, in joy and togetherness,
without the trappings of so-called civilisation,
which as far as I can tell, basically means cruelty and alienation.
It's going to be wonderful.
(HONKING)
Don't talk to him.
Everybody here only speaks Greek, anyway.
- Hi. You peoples want a taxi? - No, thank you.
- Yes. Yes. Absolutely. - Thank God you're here.
- Where you going? - Er, we like walking.
Ignore her, we're going to that guesthouse in the far, far distance.
- Hey, that's a nice motor. - It's American.
Nothing like it on Corfu.
- Spiros Halikiopoulos. - Lesley.
- Margo. - Larry.
- I'm Mrs Durrell. - The mother.
The most important person.
I'll get your luggage.
- Where's Gerry? - LOUISA: Gerry?
- There's a lizard! - LARRY: It's a tree with a lizard on it.
- How could that possibly be interesting? - LOUISA: Gerry!
- You's very pale. - Yes, we plan to do a lot of sunbathing.
- No, we don't. - It's the main reason we came here.
No, it isn't.
- How long you staying? - Er, we don't know.
But, er, well, we don't have a house to go back to, in England.
Honest to Gods, if I wasn't Greek, I'd like to be English.
Oh, thank you.
LOUISA: Oh, this must be it.
No, you don't stay here. Too expensive.
Lots of empty houses on the island. I'll find you one.
Yes, good.
(SPEAKING GREEK)
(MEN LAUGHING)
Mrs Durrells! Come!
Gerry! There's a zoo in the lavatory.
(ROGER BARKS)
Wow!
I'm sleeping in the lavatory!
I can't believe the Customs let you through with those.
I just think they know self-defence is vital in today's unsure world.
I think you should marry Spiros.
I don't want to marry again,
- but he was wearing a wedding ring. - Oh.
And he had a photograph of his wife and children on the dashboard.
I thought that was the Greek royal family.
Why would he have a photo of them?
- Where's the... - There's no electricity on Corfu.
(LESLIE CHUCKLES)
(SHRIEKS)
(SPIROS SPEAKING GREEK)
I get some more discounts, Mrs Durrells.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Oh.
We really need to get some beds.
(ROGER BARKS)
Gerry! Gerry, wellingtons!
- Why? - For snakes.
Here. Oh!
- And this. - What?
- So you can be seen. - Mum, I'm sure it's fine.
There we are!
(GRUNTS)
And, er... Don't do anything.
Bye.
Bye, Mother, see you later.
Oh, Margo!
- Show me. - What?
You know what.
Margo, this is not Bournemouth.
I know, I presume that's why we're here.
The Greeks can be very conservative.
- In my day young ladies avoided the sun. - Well in my day, which is now, we don't.
Book.
Good girl, and don't just use it as a pillow.
(SIGHS)
LARRY: Write. Starting now.
At last.
(TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING)
Oh, Leslie, will you help me, darling, with the...
Afraid not, I'm too busy.
(INDISTINCT ANIMAL SOUND)
Erm...
(GERRY SPEAKS GREEK)
(SPEAKS GREEK)
That was excellent. Do you have any more Greek?
No. We've only been here one day.
Oh, welcome.
Have you seen one of those before?
- No. - The nest of an Egyptian vulture.
Its party piece is breaking eggs it wants to eat
by throwing pebbles at them.
It's very rare for birds to use tools.
Oh, sorry, you probably knew that.
No.
(SPEAKING GREEK)
(GASPS)
(SPEAKING GREEK)
THEO: Do you have kumquats in Hampshire?
I don't think so. It's mainly apples.
(INHALES SHARPLY)
And cabbage.
Apples are not good in Corfu.
We're pretty sure in the Bible, Eve was tempted by a kumquat.
That's a tiny joke.
Oh. (CHUCKLES)
How are your creatures?
I can't wait to show my family.
Your optimism is impressive.
I find my interest in wildlife
is regarded by my friends as a form of madness.
(ROGER BARKING)
(LAUGHS)
Dogs jumping like kangaroos. Always funny.
(GUNSHOT)
Good shots, Leslie. Don't hit your mother.
(EXHALES)
(GUNSHOT)
Larry, come down here and help!
I can't, I'm working.
(TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING)
Ms Durrells, I bring you Lugaretzia.
Oh! Hello. Why?
You need help. Big family, house pretty, but not so perfect.
Yes, you spotted that.
Well, thank you, Spiros, but we can't afford any help.
Of course you can, you're English.
Well, the English come in all kinds, and we are the poor type.
She's cheap. Part-time, almost free.
Oh, God, I look like some kind of a witch.
No, you don't. (CHUCKLES)
- Where is Mr Durrells? - Oh, he's dead. Selfishly.
So, it's just me now, shouldering the burden, like a braying, sexless donkey.
- (LOUISA SCOFFS) - SPIROS: Oh.
She doesn't understand English, so you can shout out bad things about her.
I don't want to shout out bad things about her. How cheap is she?
(SPEAKING GREEK)
Shh.
Fifteen drachmas a day.
Welcome.
Er...
She is a little bit hypochondriac.
Oh!
Goodbye, Mrs Durrells.
Oh!
Oh, darling! What's the matter?
A man shouted at me.
Oh, sweetheart...
It's all right. It's just going to be more different than I thought.
- Yes. Yes, me, too. - (SNIFFLES)
(FIRES)
(SHRIEKS)
LARRY: Don't be so feeble. Go back and shout at him.
What, so he has an excuse to throw me into the sea, or kill me?
Oh, have some moral courage.
Stop it, you two.
When have you ever shown any "moral courage", whatever that is?
I show moral courage in my writing, every day!
What writing? Get a proper job!
You're an intellectual dwarf.
Larry, that is cruel.
- At least I'm intellectual. - Your intellect is dwarf-sized!
For God's sake!
Yes, it's very nice, isn't it? It was my mother's, actually.
That looks like a bullet hole.
Leslie must have nearly shot her.
(SPEAKING GREEK)
Oh! She's not still going on about that, is she?
No! Lugaretzia!
Lugaretzia! Come back!
(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)
Leslie, you could've killed her!
It's an air gun. She could get a flesh-wound at worst, or lose an eye.
- "Or lose an eye"... - You're so stupid!
- You're an idiot! - You are all just unbelievable.
I have been working like a slave for you,
now I've lost my only bit of help,
and you just sit there...
- I found... - Gerry!
(GERRY SCREAMS)
- Stop them! - Get the mug! Get the mug!
- Don't step on them! - All right, let me shoot one of them.
LARRY AND GERRY: Don't shoot them!
Stop it! Stop it!
Where did I go wrong?
(INHALES) How did you all become so vile?
LARRY: You know what her problem is?
Don't you think we're the problem?
- No. - Don't be absurd.
She needs a man.
Don't you dare talk about Mother like that! I look after her.
Let me lend you a paper by Freud called The Oedipus Complex.
I expect that's really clever, but nobody cares.
The body is built for sex.
Gerry knows, he watched animals mating.
You're obsessed with sex.
At last, we agree on something.
And since I'm not getting any, at least we can help Mother.
MARGO: All right, where shall we start looking?
We can't just drag men in off the street.
(KNOCKING)
- Good afternoon. - Theo!
My name is Theo Stephanides.
- Hello. - Good afternoon.
Gerry kindly invited me for tea. For your future discoveries.
Thank you so much!
- Tea? Yes. - Shall I come back another day?
- No, no, no. No. - It's fine.
- MARGO: Tea! - Theo,
are you single?
Yes, yes I am.
(MICE SQUEAKING)
(GRUNTS)
Good luck. (SIGHS)
We couldn't work out how to heat the water.
Oh, don't worry, I can have tea any time.
Figs with sardines, that's breaking new ground.
So, can I help unlock any mysteries about Corfu?
Can you explain why a monk shouted at me like a lunatic as I was sunbathing?
Maybe you were just lying in his space.
The Greeks used to spend half their lives naked,
so he has no excuse.
But that was the ancient Greeks. And male nudity.
Female bodies were more often shown partially clothed.
Hmm. Well, there you go, then.
Become a man or wear a coat over your bikini.
- (LESLIE CHUCKLES) - (CHUCKLES)
There's one rule for men and one for women, isn't there?
- Have you only just noticed? - I've been busy growing up.
How long has this been going on?
Even Aristotle, who was no slouch, placed women some way below men.
Though, above slaves... Hurrah!
Are there any more biscuits, Margo?
Get them yourself!
So, Theo, you are not married, yet.
What do you look for in a woman?
Oh! (CHUCKLES)
Someone I can exchange ideas with, discuss scientific advances,
and just sit quietly with.
Oh.
- Yeah, no, that won't work, then. - No.
Theo came for tea, well, not tea,
but he gave me this, which I've filled with dormice.
Oh, Gerry.
We told Leslie he can't shoot near the house any more,
'cause Larry can't write and he might kill us,
so he's going off around the island tomorrow.
Come on.
- Ooh, getting quite big, aren't you? - Yes.
- Shall I get off? - No.
You can get off now, I can't feel my legs.
Ooh!
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
(SIGHS)
Any recommendations?
Hmm.
Avoid the food.
Stick to the booze.
(LAUGHS)
A fellow foreigner, huh? Hmm.
Yes, although I consider myself a citizen of the world.
You look like you've been around.
Hmm. (CHUCKLES)
Sailed the seven seas.
- Do you have a favourite? - Hated all of them.
Treacherous, cold, wet, generally devoid of women.
(LAUGHING LOUDLY)
(MAN YELLING IN GREEK)
I am dressed perfectly respectably,
unlike ancient Greek men from all accounts,
and I'm entitled to be here.
I think you should take a break from sunbathing.
- I'm not going to be put off. - Because your face looks like a tomato.
Oh.
LARRY: Exciting news.
Why are you speaking quietly? You never speak quietly.
Because I don't want Mother to hear.
God, why is everyone so dim?
She's gone to the bank to see if the money's arrived yet.
Fortunately, we won't starve because I've shot this beauty.
She won't need her own money if this works out.
- I've found her a man. - No! Who?
Well, his name's Captain Creech.
Cracking sense of humour, stories to tell, doesn't beat about the bush,
and, well, he must have a few quid.
This will go horribly wrong, you know.
How will you get them together?
I might leave it a few weeks, her monthly's coming up
- and she'll be even more volatile... - Stop saying these things!
You are such a...
Money's arrived from the sale of our furniture.
It's not much, but, well,
it might make us feel a bit more like we belong.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
(SPEAKING GREEK)
(IMITATING BIRDS)
How are you feeling, Mother?
Well, happier.
Still livid that you drove Lugaretzia away.
And... Hormonally?
Oh! Don't be ridiculous.
I'm bringing a pal over for supper tonight.
- Your age, as it happens. - Hmm.
Our first guest!
What shall I cook? It'll have to be mainly figs.
Right, I'm off for the day.
Did anyone notice anything different about Leslie?
I try not to look at him.
- He's becoming very handsome. - He really isn't.
He left without a gun.
I've never seen him without a gun.
(YELLING IN GREEK)
(SNIFFS)
God bless you.
I didn't take a firearm this morning because I'm over all that now.
Oh!
Oh, I'm so glad, Leslie.
I just like exploring the island,
you know, with the dictionary, talking to the locals.
What's really going on? Have you shot someone dead?
Don't be silly, Margo.
He's just growing up.
Besides, it's the 1930s, darling, people don't need guns any more.
Mother, this is Captain Creech.
He's been looking forward to meeting you.
(CHUCKLING) Well, Mrs Durrell.
With a face like that, you should be on the front of a ship.
Oh, well, thank you.
A present for the house, a bottle of the finest rum from Jamaica.
Have you ever been to Jamaica?
- Er, no, no, I haven't, I... - First place I ever caught gonorrhoea.
(LAUGHING LOUDLY)
So, there we were,
a dozen Uruguayan strumpets below deck,
in a ripping wind straight out of the arsehole of the Earth.
(LAUGHING)
Aye. This is good tucker.
Mmm.
I like a girl who's, er, handy in the galley.
As well as in bed.
- Where was I? - Arsehole of the Earth.
- Ah! The... - Yes, that's quite enough of that story.
Gerry, sing us a song, anything you like.
Where's your head?
At the moment, it's pounding, in fact, from...
- It's nautical for... - Crapper, dunny, thunder box?
Think he means a lavatory.
Yes, yes, I know that.
Now.
It's around the back.
Excuse me.
(FARTS)
(CHUCKLES)
(WHISPERING) What the hell did you think you were doing,
bringing that filthy old lecher into our house?
- He's a breath of fresh air. - Oh...
This is what happens when women let men rule the roost.
(CAPTAIN CREECH SNORES)
Get up!
- LESLIE: Bye. - Oh, Leslie.
What are you doing today?
Just walk around, chat with locals.
Ask for work so I can help out with the money.
Oh!
- He's lying. - I know.
I just thought I'd treat him like an adult.
What were you treating him like when you let him have half a dozen guns?
I'm a mother, not a policeman.
I thought it might lead to some discipline,
you know, make a man of him, with Daddy not being there.
You know, you'll discover if you ever have children...
I am listening, I'm just going into the garden.
Stupid boy, where are you?
(SPEAKING GREEK)
Ugh!
(GRUNTING)
(YELLS)
- Sodding, bloody... - Larry, please.
I'm sure Virginia Woolf doesn't swear like a trooper.
Well, her brother didn't remove the letter X from her typewriter.
Well, why would Leslie do that?
So I don't write the word "sex" so much, apparently.
It's all right! I'll get him back.
Did I mention that your arse should be on the front of a ship?
Don't start that again, we had quite enough last night.
Well, it's your fault, letting me drink.
Look below the surface, it's usually the ladies that cause the problems.
You know, I am astonished that nobody has murdered you, yet.
Now, please leave.
After you've made me a spot of lunch.
(TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING)
Shut up! Use a bloody pencil!
(CUTLERY CLATTERING)
Oh!
Lugaretzia, welcome back.
It's been hell without you.
Son of a bitch.
Oh, I see Spiros has been teaching you.
Though, in England we say, "Bastard".
Huh.
- Barsto. - Bastard.
- Barsto. - Yeah.
I love him, Mum.
Oh, Gerry, take it outside!
Gerry, take him outside, now!
- He'll escape. - Well, not for a while, he won't.
- Gerry! (SIGHS) - There's so much to see!
(IMITATING GUNSHOTS)
Eat, then leave.
I'm, er, sorry if I've disappointed you.
I've spent too much time in the company of uncouth men.
Oh, well... Thank you.
I'm sorry, I don't... (YELLS)
(GASPING)
Get out!
Fine, I'll just finish my lunch.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Now, you leave, or I'll shoot you.
No, you won't.
(GUNSHOT)
You are in great need of a slap!
So, it's okay for you to shoot and nearly kill someone...
- Yes, yes it is. - Give me that.
- Leslie, we told you, no more shooting. - Wasn't me.
That is the last time you try to find me a husband.
- Is that clear? - Are you sure?
I met a fascinating Turk in a bar in town...
How did you think that I would fall for...
Popeye the bloody Sailor Man?
And he's not "my age"!
- We think the sex will calm you down. - God.
Your father was the love of my life.
And I don't want, or need, a pale imitation of him.
Well, I find that rather sad.
You may have given up, but we haven't.
(PELICAN SQUAWKS)
LOUISA: Ooh!
- Where've you been? - I was following Leslie and I got lost.
I tried to ask the way home but nobody's bothered to learn English.
Anyway, Leslie's lost his interest in guns because he's got a girlfriend.
A what?
I found him with a local girl, kissing, and worse.
Oh!
Well, maybe it was a good idea to come out here, after all.
I mention wanting a boyfriend and you call me empty-headed and sex-mad,
but Leslie finds someone and he's a hero.
Firstly Margo, I am thrilled that you are thinking for yourself
- and highlighting double standards. - Thank you.
And secondly, don't you dare be so bloody rude to your mother.
Good, I'll find myself a man, then.
(SIGHS)
Hello Luga. Glad you're back.
- This short story is genius. - Oh!
- Who wrote it? - Me.
(HORN HONKING)
- Look who I find walking home. - Mum!
Gerry, you have a spider, two dormice, a tortoise and a family,
you do not need a pelican.
- Let it go. - I will after I've studied it.
(LAUGHS)
It's not funny, Spiros.
No, of course not.
Come on, Gerry! We'll make a zoo cage!
(KNOCK ON THE DOOR)
Larry, we need to talk about your writing.
We'll deal with you being a Peeping Tom later.
Sorry you don't like it, but I refuse to let...
No, it's brilliant.
But why is the mother so horrible?
- Everything isn't about you. - Oh, nothing is about me.
(SCOFFS)
My life is devoured by my children.
In 21 years, I haven't thought about myself for five consecutive minutes.
But it's good, isn't it?
- Did you like the ending? - Yes, Larry, it's very good.
- You're going to make us very proud. - In this family?
You're going to make us mildly pleased in a complicated way.
Come and look at this.
The rocks. Just by the chapel.
Oh.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
That's my girl.
Hello? Mrs Durrell.
Theodore Stephanides.
Delighted to finally meet you.
I suspect you need a cross-piece there.
Here, I believe it's called a purlin...
So, Leslie, what's your new girlfriend's name?
How do you know about her?
Oh, I know everything, darling, I'm your mother.
- She's called Alexia. - Mmm-hmm.
It's the loveliest name.
And if you ever want to type it, you'll have to give Larry his X back.
(SPEAKING GREEK)
SPIROS: (LAUGHING) Leslie!
Why are you so good to us, Spiros?
We have no money, we argue all the time.
We have a word, filoxenia.
- It means, "Love to strangers". - That is so sweet.
And, it's clear you need help.
(LARRY YELLS)
Sodding, bloody...
LESLIE: Lugaretzia, how do you say this in Greek?
That is my revenge on you, Leslie. An X for an X.
(SMACKS)
I just made them look less violent!
MAX: Does anyone live here?
Oh!
Somebody died?
My friends, Donald and Max.
I invited them over.
Oh...
Gosh, who's this?
(SIGHS)
Ripped By mstoll