-Just let me tell Luke first. -Of course.
-I miss you, man. -Even though I'm a douche-bag?
God, you are ugly mate.
-I'm going. -Where?
-To London. -Michael.
If you do make me mayor
you'll get honesty, drive,
plus a pub lunch like this every month.
We've a natural chemistry, me and Ivan.
I'd say it was more than chemistry, if I didn't know better.
LUKE: All right, give him some air.
What's wrong with him, Mum?
(VOCALISING)
And then she smiles
And my heart starts beating
I go weak inside
Na na na na na na
Na na na
(TOY SQUEAKING)
(DOG PANTING)
(DOG WHIMPERS)
Sorry, Banj.
Miles away.
Right, here goes, then.
(COMPUTER DIALLING)
Hi.
Hiya! How you doin'?
Yep, fine.
-Case going all right, is it? -Yes.
Good. That's good, then.
It's all go here.
Aunty Brenda's got her investi-chure...
Is that how do you say it? Investi-ch...
Anyway, she's becoming mayor today.
And she've been dragging everyone in to help out,
like it's the royal wedding.
And the truth is, Michael, I'm babbling 'cause we haven't spoken all week
and I just wanna know when you're coming home.
Things are pretty full-on at the moment.
Uh, we're going to court soon.
I miss you.
(SIGHS) I miss you, too.
-(TOY SQUEAKING) -What was that?
Um, well, I think it's a meerkat.
But he've chewed it so much I can't tell any more.
MICHAEL: I'll tell you what.
I'll come back tonight and take a look.
STELLA: Thanks, sweetheart.
I've been ever so worried.
-About the meerkat? -Yeah, obviously, about the meerkat.
(CHUCKLES)
So, what time train do you think you'll catch?
Ah, right. Um...
-Rob, I never heard you come in. -All right?
Um, I'd better go. This case is...
Yeah, but hang on, I'll see you tonight then...
(DISCONNECTS)
Great.
-ROB: Is this a good time? -(DISCONNECTS)
Yeah.
(SIGHS)
Can you cast your eye over these?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Quick word to the wise, women hate it when men sulk.
It's unmanly and very immature.
She started it.
Put away that bottom lip, Michael. It's not a good look.
And you know something else?
Women say they aren't bothered by a bit of puppy fat,
believe you me, they're lying.
Hmm, my advice,
man up, or you'll be in big danger of driving her into Rob's arms.
(SCOFFS)
If she hasn't already.
It's good you're feeling stronger, anyway.
Yeah. Thanks.
A few side effects here and there.
They put me on some pills
to stop me fainting like a Victorian lady.
(CHUCKLES)
Luke said you told him you'd been on a health kick
and the booze had gone to your head.
-I am gonna tell him, you know. -You said that last week.
Stella, when you tell someone you're ill they worry about you.
Look at you.
Been clucking around me like a mother hen, since you found out.
''Mother hen''?
Right now, I can go and see my grandchildren,
and have fun with them.
I can have a pint with Luke and talk about the rugby.
I can enjoy being with them without making everyone feel miserable.
-I know that. -How are things with Michael?
If you wanna change the subject, just say.
I wanna change the subject.
Things with Michael are... (SIGHS)
I don't know.
It's difficult when you only see each other at weekends.
Do you remember that school trip I went on to Blaenau Ffestiniog?
And you were convinced I was seeing Lisa Maxwell behind your back?
(CHUCKLES)
I phoned you from the station and you gave me a right earful.
God, that was 30 years ago.
Thirty-one.
Thanks for doing the table.
Pleasure.
BEN: Of course I know what white balance is.
What is it then?
BEN: Uh, it's to do with depth of focus...
Field scanning...
You're basically just saying all the words you know.
Oh, Cerys, why don't you just...
Show me what it is, later on. I'd very much appreciate that.
Not a problem, Benjamin. It'll be a pleasure.
This is for Mayor Aunty Brenda, is it?
Yeah, she's asked us to film her coronation.
And help with the decorations.
We're running late, actually. I'm surprised she hasn't...
(CAR HORN HONKING)
And there you go.
Let's get ready to rumble.
(BABBLING PLAYFULLY)
ZOE: Hiya!
LUKE: Ah, hey!
Hello. Hello, princess.
I told you to ring me when you're train got in.
-I'd have picked you up. -Did I surprise you, didn't I?
Lovely surprise.
Welcome home.
-All right, mate? -Hello.
Your dad sorry to see you leave?
Of course, I'm indispensable.
So, I take it this is all for your fitness class?
Yeah.
And don't worry, Rob's paid for all of it.
I was gonna clean it up before you arrived,
but I got a bit carried away.
Like a kid at Christmas, you are.
Yeah, it's gonna be great though.
jag said I could use a room at the pub,
and I've done a playlist of workout tunes.
Daddy's cleverer than he looks, isn't he?
There's a few people interested already.
Even Rhian Evans.
Now that I would pay to see.
You gonna take me somewhere
to celebrate your new business enterprise then?
Uh, I do know where there's free champagne...
-Uh-huh. -But it do involve Aunty Brenda.
(CHUCKLES)
IVAN: Remember, the tango is not just a dance,
it is a story.
A woman, she has been wronged.
-She smoulders with anger. -(TANGO MUSIC PLAYING)
The man, he must dominate her until she releases her passion.
-Good, Glen. Good. -Thank you.
Dominate her, Bobsy, dominate.
I am dominating, I am!
-Is everything well, Miss Bevan? -Yes, fine. Thank you.
You are late. I was concerned there had been a happening.
Very well, we shall begin.
(PERHAPS, PERHAPS, PERHAPS BY DORIS DAY PLAYING)
Come closer, we must be as one for the swivel.
Your mind is elsewhere. There is no focus.
No passion.
Why would there be any passion?
There's no passion. None at all.
IVAN: The competition is tomorrow night.
I keep thinking about what Stella Morris said about us two.
But we agreed
such an idea was, how did you have it...
-Uh, hysterical. -I know.
But people around here do love a gossip, and before you know it,
they'll put two and two together and make tango.
Look at this dance.
So sensual.
I just can't do it.
I'm sorry.
-(THUDDING) -(ALL GASPING)
Oh, dear, you all right?
-(GROANS) -MARJ: Dot!
-Dot! -Oh, is she okay?
(GROANING CONTINUES)
You know, I've always wanted to know, Carole,
what is the difference between a bathroom cleaning product
and a kitchen cleaning product?
Is it just, um, clever marketing, by those marketing men?
I don't know. I've never actually thought about it.
That surprises me, because you have a very keen mind.
Did you want something?
Me? No, nothing.
Although, now you ask, I was wondering if, uh,
you might perhaps grace the dance floor with me
in tomorrow night's competition?
Oh, I'd love to.
Wonderful!
But I'm entering it with Yanto, he asked me last week.
Not to worry.
Probably for the best.
I'll be really busy organising this event.
Sorry.
JAGADEESH: No. No, it's a good thing.
It's a very good thing.
I'm glad... (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
''Bathroom use only.''
I'm going to look on the Internet and find out why.
It's most intriguing.
''Congratulations''?
What happened to ''Congratulations on your investiture''?
Uh, funny enough,
they didn't have any of them in the market.
(MUTTERING)
Do not take the Lord's name in vain.
Not in front of royalty.
Is that what you're wearing?
Don't you have any ermine?
It's just a simple ceremony.
Held in Santa's grotto by the looks of it.
There's only one thing simple in here, and I'm looking at him.
Right, places everyone. We're ready.
-(CLEARS THROAT) -(CLEARS THROAT)
-By the power granted to me... -Wait!
-Is the camera goin'? -BEN: Yep.
Camera speed.
-Ready with the champagne? -Yes.
-And the dove of peace? -I've got a pigeon of peace.
-(PIGEON COOING) -Oh, God.
By the power granted to me by the Crown and Commonwealth,
I hereby announce that Aunty Brenda is elected as Mayor of Pontyberry.
Are you Aunty Brenda?
We are.
Will you carry out the office of Mayor to the best of your ability?
We will.
You are now officially invested as Mayor Aunty Brenda of Pontyberry.
Is that it?
Where's the sense of occasion? Where's the pomp and circumcision?
I've got the chain by here. Do you want me to put it on you?
Yes, I want you to put it on me.
Slowly and with reverence.
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
(AUNTY BRENDA CLEARS THROAT)
People of Pontyberry, this is a great day for all.
Whether we be young...
-Or old. -Oh.
-Because a good mayor is like... -CLEM: All right, babe?
(PIGEON COOING)
You?
Looking good.
Could I have a word, please?
You've got more nerve than a baboon's what's-its-name.
The biggest day since Magna Carta,
and you swan in like the second coming of the blessed Madonna?
You haven't changed a bit.
What is it you want? Money, I suppose.
Well, you'll get none here. Goodbye.
I read about you in the paper, darling.
Thought I'd drop back to the Berry and say hello.
-Shoot the breeze with a few old pals. -Who? Jim Bean and Johnnie Walker?
-Hello, stranger. -There she is, my wee star.
What are you doing here?
Came by to see you, babe.
(LAUGHING) This is my youngest. Ben.
Ben, Clem. Clem, Ben.
Oh, Aunty Brenda's husband.
Ex-husband.
Still married in the eyes of the law, darling.
Uh, can we film you talking about Mayor Aunty Brenda?
You're kind of like the first lady.
You watch out.
He'll steal your camera and charge you for doing it.
In a minute, Benny boy. I just wanna say a few words first.
(GLASS CLINKING)
Ladies and gents,
I'm not one for fancy words, or big, long speeches.
I'd rather strap on my guitar.
But today, Pontyberry is the luckiest town in Wales
'cause you've landed yourselves a little cracker.
CROWD: Hear! Hear!
You don't know how lucky you are.
I certainly didn't.
So, raise your glasses.
Here's to swimming with bow-legged women and long live Mayor Aunty Brenda.
-Cheers! -CROWD: Cheers!
BEN: Where's he been living then? Uncle Clem?
Oh, all over.
London. New York.
Pwllheli.
-Playing in bands. -Cool.
Mainly, cover bands in pubs.
He always used to try and get the word ''Clem'' into the band name.
Clems N Roses,
um, Red Hot Clemmy Peppers,
Clemical Brothers.
-Why'd they split up? -Musical differences.
I meant him and Aunty Brenda.
Oh, huh.
Well...
He've always had a bit of an eye for the ladies, have Uncle Clem.
When we were interviewing him I tried to find out where'd he been.
But Cerys said, ''It's not relevant.''
-She's so up herself. -Uh-huh.
Why are you doing the face?
Well, often when we find people super annoying
it's because we really fancy them.
Like Michael.
Exactly.
What about Nadine?
Oh, no. She's just super annoying.
-IVAN: Good afternoon. -(EECLAIMS)
I apologise. I didn't mean to startle you.
My footsteps are like feathers on snow.
Comes from my years as a dancer.
Hmm. I was lost in thought, that's all.
Sometimes I think very, very deeply.
This I can tell.
Do you mind?
If you like.
There is an elephant here and we must confront him.
-What elephant? -An elephant in the room.
Right, firstly, we're not in a room, we're outside.
And secondly, you do not accuse a woman of being any kind of animal.
Except, maybe, a swan.
You are afraid, Nadine Bevan.
Afraid of what people will think if you dance with me.
That's because I'm a married woman, a beautiful married woman.
This is true.
But you are also my partner,
and when we are on that floor
we must let the passion flow in and out of our bodies.
Don't be disgusting!
(WHISPERING) And keep your voice down.
And when the music stops, so does our passion.
-(SIGHING) -We are partners in dance, Nadine.
Not in love.
I know, but... (SIGHS)
All I can think of when you've got me in a hold
is that people are judging me.
And not just the actual judges because, to be fair, that is their job.
You are merely self-conscious.
That is why I brought this.
What do you think this is, Ivan Schloss? Fifty Shades of Grey?
Trust me.
When you wear this blindfold you will become like an ostrich.
-Eh, you mean, ''swan''? -No, an ostrich.
You cannot see the world, so you believe the world cannot see you.
You can be transported to another place, free from fear or doubt.
Oh.
-All right, what now? -Now, we dance.
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
No, no, no. Stop the what's-its-name.
I knew I should've worn the yellow suit. It brings out my eyes.
-Go on then, what's next? -Did some interviews.
Got people to say some nice stuff about you.
Better.
You may continue.
Aunty Brenda, or should I say Mayor Aunty Brenda, is...
BEN: Mum, your eye line's wrong. Don't look at the camera.
Aunty Brenda...
No media training at all, that one. Next.
Funny enough, she's not the only Aunty Brenda I know.
-There was this Thai girl. -(LAUGHS)
Worked in a bar in Bangkok, called Ping Pong.
-And she could fire a ping... -Next!
Oh, she's a character, all right.
A proper force of nature.
I used to call her ''My Little Hurricane. ''
Hmm, you don't wanna know what I called you, good boy.
But you should see her when she smiles.
Her face lights up.
Her eyes sparkle, like diamonds on a velvet rug.
The most beautiful girl in town.
Always will be to me.
Do you wanna keep that one in?
No, delete it.
-Delete it? -You heard me.
That man's got more front than Prestatyn.
Now, delete him and move on.
(BEN SIGHING)
(DOOR CLOSING)
Hello.
(SIGHS)
I didn't know if you were coming back.
Well, here I am.
Oh, hello.
Listen, I'm sorry about messing up last weekend.
-It's just... -Forget it.
I've been feeling bad about it all week.
Enough talking.
Hey, I was still drinking that.
Let it go cold.
I'll warm you up.
-Hmm, what's got into you? -I said, ''No talking.''
LUKE: Mum, Michael.
-(SIGHS) -Hiya.
Mind if I get some of my stuff?
Yeah, quick as you can.
What's it you're after?
just my tracky bottoms and my boots for my boxing class.
Dad signed up for it, the nutter.
Oh, Rob's not up to doing that.
Yeah, he's fine.
It's just some daft diet, that's all. He says he wants to keep fit.
Well, I still don't think it's a good idea.
LUKE: Ah, you know Rob. Tough as nails.
I've done a bit of boxing in my time.
Have you? When?
When I was growing up.
Had to be pretty handy with my fists.
You went to a posh private school
and your parents had a holiday home in France.
Well, yeah.
Sometimes, middle-class kids have to fight to prove themselves.
And it wasn't a holiday home, it was a gite.
-What? -Nothing.
(LAUGHING) Sounds really scary.
You should come along to the class, if you want.
Show us some of your moves.
Yeah, I'd love to. Can still remember a few combinations.
(IMITATES BOEING SOUNDS)
Footwork, mainly.
(IMITATES BOEING SOUNDS)
Can't wait to see it.
-So long. -Right, I'm off then.
Ta-ra.
(IMITATES BOEING SOUNDS)
(DOOR CLOSING)
(MICHAEL GRUNTING)
Michael?
Morning.
-STELLA: What time is it? -I don't know, 6:00-ish.
You just been for a run?
To the bench and back. That hill's a killer.
Ah, right. Well, whatever you wanna do on a Saturday morning's up to you.
I need more time in bed.
Sounds like a great idea.
-Budge up. -What? Michael!
These sheets are clean on.
-Go and have a shower. -No problem.
Wait there.
Don't move.
(SIGHS)
I see no reason for celebration.
The dance competition will bring in a full house of customers.
Plus, it'll be fun.
I'll tell you what will be fun.
-A wedding. -Uh, yeah.
Mother, you need something to take your mind off things,
which is why I have decided to cheer you up with this...
Ta-da!
It's a table, Jagadeesh.
I know you have low ambitions, but, I mean, this is ridiculous.
This is the judges' table.
Which I would like you to grace with your expert knowledge of dance.
Oh.
Wise choice.
Hmm.
But did you say ''judges''?
(CLEARS THROAT) Well...
This is more like it, Jagadeesh.
It's good to see someone can organise something in this town
that doesn't end up like Cirque de Solarium.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Mother, may I introduce Mayor Aunty Brenda.
The other judge.
BOTH: The other judge?
I'm sure you two ladies are going to get along famously.
I'll leave, so you can get acquainted.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Mayor Aunty Brenda. Mayor of Pontyberry.
Nina Manjula Indira Choudhry.
Co-owner of this establishment.
Welcome to my town.
Welcome to my establishment.
Which is in my town.
-All right, Bobs? -Not remotely.
I haven't got a dance partner, have I?
Ugh. Finding a replacement for Dotty
is like looking for a virgin in the Big Brother house.
Well, I am free tonight.
And I've been known to strut myself after a couple of shandys.
No offence, Stella, but I've seen you dance
and you do have three left feet.
Now, am I imagining it,
or was Michael pulling a tyre round the yard this morning?
(SCOFFS) Probably.
(SIGHING)
He've gone all rugged and sporty, since he come back.
Of course, I see.
Take it from one who knows...
-What? You're rugged and sporty? -No.
But I once did do a correspondence course
in cognitive psychotherapy.
Three week intensive.
Michael is threatened by Rob.
No, I don't think so.
We've talked about it and he seems fine.
Oh, Stella, Stella, Stella.
Michael might say he's fine, but deep down he's an animal.
Threatened by the incoming alpha male, Rob, who's also an animal.
(SCOFFS) You think?
Press-ups, running up hills.
He's putting on a courtship display to show his suitability as a mate.
If he were a chimp, he'd be pulling the head of a parrot
and peeing on your foot to mark his turf.
Oh.
Do you want that?
No.
Put me off, now.
Right then, Rocky. Here we are.
Okay. Hold on.
What's that?
Caffeine gel.
Helps you train harder.
Look...
I don't quite know how to say this, presh,
but all this running, and weights, and stuff,
it's not 'cause of Rob, is it?
Rob? No, of course not.
just keeping fit, that's all.
Getting in shape for the little lady. Hmm?
There's no need to. You're perfectly lovely as you are.
MICHAEL: I don't know. I just feel like I've let things slide.
-That I've taken you for granted. -No, you haven't.
So, it's no surprise that you might be tempted to stray.
-I get it. -''Tempted to stray''?
-That came out wrong. -Oh, my God!
Do you think I'm so shallow,
I'd leap into Rob's bed at the slightest sign of trouble?
No, I didn't say that!
You're the one that got a girl pregnant from a one night stand.
Yeah, and I've apologised 1 ,000 times. What else do you want me to do?
I want you to take back your insinuations about me and Rob.
(SCOFFS) ''Tempted to stray''. What do you think I am, a cat?
Okay, I take it back, all right?
-Go and pee on someone's foot. -What?
You all right, then?
You know me, Jagadeesh. I am not the one to complain.
But you don't have two queens of the realm.
You have to make a decision.
-Who's gonna be head judge? Me? -Or her?
Oh, hey, barman.
Yes, Clem, what can I get for you?
Oh, you wanna watch this one, mind?
He've got more sides than a Rubik's Cube.
Jagadeesh, would you be so kind as to fix for this beautiful woman
her favourite tipple from our courting days.
-Certainly, what drink is that? -He won't remember.
''Hippy Trippy Shake.'' Ice, lemon, Babycham and absinthe.
Shaken, not stirred.
(FINGERS CLICKING)
(ICE CLINKING)
Five, six, seven, eight...
And forward, one-two. And back, one-two.
Use your hips. And forward, one-two.
And back.
Almost done, keep it going, ready for the change.
And duck, one-two.
-You all right, Rhian? -Aye.
But get a bastard bucket ready, there's a fry-up in here that wants out.
-(GAGGING) -Three to go.
One-two.
Two! One-two.
One! One-two!
Great stuff, everyone.
All right, we'll end with some pad work.
Remember, it's not about punching hard, it's about rhythm, form and speed.
We make a good match, don't you think? Same height and stuff?
Oh, to be honest, I'm only here for the cardio.
I'm gonna give the punching a miss.
Feeling your age, are you?
LUKE: Lovely work, Rhysy boy, lovely work.
You're fighting like Lenny Mack.
Get your guard up, get your elbows in. What's the matter with you?
-And hook, and hook. -(GRUNTING)
Snap it.
Form and rhythm, it's not a competition.
Keep breathing, remember to breathe!
Breathe in!
Michael, take it easy.
-You're all right, aren't you? -Yeah, I'm fine.
(GRUNTING)
No, no, no!
Actually, I think that's quite enough.
-Mum, what are you doing? -No, um...
-Better safe than sorry, is it? -I'm okay.
Luke, call it a day now, yeah?
That's it, everyone. End of lesson.
Oh, cheers, Luke. Nice one.
Well, hang on, we got another 1 0 minutes if you want?
Right, same time the next week, yeah?
MAN: Yeah, sure.
Thanks a lot, Mum.
Believe me, I wouldn't ask unless it was a code red national emergency.
First off, I don't do the waltz, that's for geriatrics.
Not a problem, there's a salsa and a tango.
Right, well, no lifts or jazz hands, I can't bear that fancy dance stuff.
Agreed, Brownie's honour.
All right, I'm in.
Ah!
(EECLAIMS)
Right. Good.
Um...
Here's Dotty's costume.
Now, it may need a nip and tuck here and there.
Well, it's not very see-through, is it?
Sorry about that. Got a bit carried away.
Probably not fair putting us together, age difference and all that.
No harm done.
It's the pills I'm on, they make me a bit dizzy.
Pills? What for? Arthritis?
(CHUCKLES) No, not really.
-Menopause? You having hot flashes? -Michael. No.
I've got chronic heart disease.
(STELLA SIGHS)
just 'cause I'm digging your potatoes, don't mean I wanna be friends with you.
-I'm really sorry. -Yeah, well, you really pissed me off.
Accusing me like that. What sort of person do you think I am?
I know about Rob being ill.
(SIGHS)
-He told you, then? -Yeah.
Jesus, poor guy.
I know.
It's just so awful.
But why didn't you tell me?
-I feel a right idiot now, thinking... -Hang on.
You feel an idiot?
That's what bothering you about Rob having a death sentence
-hanging over him? -Stella!
You're unbelievable!
And do you know what?
You can dig your own sodding potatoes!
I don't know, Bobby.
I mean, sometimes, when it comes to Stella,
I just feel like everything I ever do is wrong!
Oh, look out! Someone's on the pity pot.
I mean, what am I meant to do?
Oh, sorry, it was an actual question? Erm...
Well, if you ask me,
you should remind her how good you are together.
Like when you make each other laugh,
or when you're just holding her hand,
not saying a word, but you both just know that...
Christ, I'm welling up!
I mean...
Look, Michael, what does Stella really want?
Um, stability.
No, she's not after the workbench! She wants passion, fun, spontaneity.
She wants to mess around, and forget about the serious stuff.
And most of all, she wants a man without bits of hazelnut in his teeth.
Right, time to look fabulous.
(MAS QUE NADA BY THE BLACK EYED PEAS PLAYING)
You can't keep looking at your feet, Yanto,
the judges will mark us down.
Force of habit. Looking for mines.
All right, I thought you said you could dance.
Of course I can dance.
It flows through my veins like a red-hot lava.
But I do usually lead.
What? No, the woman can't lead. It's against God and nature.
Do you wanna win this competition, or not?
Of course I do, but...
Where I lead, you will follow.
Hmm.
Ooh, I could get used to this.
You need to switch it to auto.
Of course I'll switch it to auto, I'm not a complete idiot.
God! You look...
LITTLE ALAN: Can you film us practise?
Can you film us practise?
-Sure, yeah. -Great.
(MAS QUE NADA CONTINUES)
Ivan.
-Tell me something. -Yes.
Will I, or will I not, be able to wear the blindfold in tonight's competition?
-No. -I knew it!
You will be exquisite, Miss Bevan, you needeth not.
How can you be so sure?
Because a mountain stream runs always downhill.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
But you was right about one thing, though.
That blindfold took me away to another world.
And I don't mean like Centre Parcs.
No, it was... Oh, silly.
I imagined I was Conchita, a Spanish waitress from Madrid.
Oh. And do you speak Spanish?
(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)
(CONTINUES SPEAKING IN SPANISH)
I shall take that as a yes.
I imagined a name for you, and all. The wolf. El lobo.
They do have wolves in Spain, don't they?
-The beasts of the Basque. -(EEHALES)
What are we waiting for?
Same again, please, Sam...
jag.
Would the lady care to dance?
Michael.
I would be honoured if you escorted me onto the dance floor.
(CHUCKLES) And what if I refuse?
Well, if I hold out my arm any longer,
I'm gonna get cramps, or need a nurse, anyway.
(WONDERFUL TONIGHT BY ERIC CLAPTON PLAYING)
-When did you tell them to do that? -Whilst you were studying your glass.
-Ooh, you're so smooth! -I really am.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
What dance are we doing, exactly?
I think it's called ''A shuffle round the room
''and hold onto each other'' dance.
Mmm, my favourite.
Oh.
I hate it when we fight.
Which is why we're not going to, ever again.
Mmm, maybe a tad unrealistic, but I like the idea.
-About Rob... -You don't need to explain.
No, I want to.
The only thing between us is friendship.
Well, that and the fact that we're Luke's parents.
I know.
Oh, no, no, no!
No members of the public allowed on the dance floor.
Go on, shoo-shoo!
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ''Strictly at the Frisky''.
(CROWD CHEERING)
It's nice to see you at the Frisky Fox.
To see you at the Frisky Fox...
Nice!
(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)
Tough crowd.
Good evening, my people.
On the judging panel this evening will be myself, Mayor Aunty Brenda...
And me, Nina Indira Choudhry, co-owner of this establishment.
And we appear to be joined by...
I'm sorry, I didn't get your name.
-Scott fucking Quinnell. -Er, this gentleman.
I always think that dancing...
What a lovely story.
So, the rules tonight are simple.
Each couple has a number.
When your number is called, you must leave the floor immediately.
The last couple remaining will be the winner.
There will be two dances, beginning with...
-The salsa! -The salsa!
NINA: Take it away!
(LET'S GETLOUD BY Jennifer LOPEZ PLAYING)
As a connoisseur of dance, I must say I'm quite impressed.
Apart from Yanto.
He've got more flare in his trousers.
I think Yanto and Carole must be the first to go.
You know what, though, that fella's...
BOTH: Be quiet, Scott Quinnell!
AUNTY BRENDA: If you knew anything about dancing,
you'd have been on Strictly, like Gavin Henson!
Thank you for dancing.
Couple number six.
I can dance ballroom, but I do hate Latin.
Never forgotten the Falklands.
Thank you for dancing. Couple number one.
Couple number five.
Couple number nine.
Couple number seven.
JAGADEESH: I thought you were very unlucky, Carole.
That's very nice, but we weren't.
Well, I'm sure Yanto will make it up to you, somehow.
To be honest, jag, he's not my type.
I mean, the love poetry,
there's only so many words that rhyme with shrapnel.
Ah...
Well, that is sad to hear, but also, splendid.
Splendid, because you see, Carole, I...
How can I put this?
I know.
Have you heard the age-old parable of the...
I, uh...
Play your cards right,
there'll be more where that came from, later.
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
AUNTY BRENDA: And now, ladies and gentlemen,
we're down to the last two couples.
(TANGO MUSIC PLAYING)
-You are on fire, Conchita. -You make me roar, El lobo!
-Engage your loins. -I've got no choice in these trousers.
Well, I think we can agree
that couple number two are worthy winners.
(LAUGHING) That's surely a joke.
-It has to be couple number four. -What? Have you been smoking the reefer?
I have never been so insulted in all my life.
And I haven't even started.
Right, well, it's a bit shit there has to be a loser,
but there does.
So, the winners are...
Yes!
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
CLEM: I'd just like to sing this song for a very special lady.
Aye, you could do that...
Have I told you lately
That I love you?
Have I told you
There's no one else above you?
I hear Uncle Clem's quite a character.
(CHUCKLES)
He bought me my first pint.
Well, I say bought,
I had to give him the money, he went to the bar.
Right, I got you a mineral water. Is that okay?
No, but it's what I'm supposed to have.
-Lovely bubbles. -Cheers.
If you ever fancy going for a run, I'll keep you company.
I could do with getting fit myself.
(CLEARS THROAT) Maybe.
Didn't cover myself in glory at the boxing though, did I?
Look, I know it's none of my business,
but if you don't tell Luke, he's gonna find out from someone else.
Wouldn't it be better coming from you?
Both of you?
(LAUGHING)
To Conchita and El lobo.
Conchita and El lobo.
-(GLASS CLINKING) -(LAUGHING)
You were amazing.
As were you.
CLEM: Take away all my sadness
Fill my life with gladness
Ease my troubles
- That's what you do -Nadine?
Certificate for coming second.
At least it has its uses, I suppose.
Conchita!
Female dancers...
Divas, all of them.
Night.
How long have you known?
ROB: A while.
How long?
I had a heart attack in April.
You had a heart attack?
-Yeah, it was just a minor one. -A minor one.
You had a heart attack and you didn't think to tell me?
I'm sorry.
Well, obviously you knew.
I haven't known long, but, yeah.
Why are you always doing this? I'm 30, for Christ's sake!
You don't have to lie to me all the time!
We didn't exactly lie, we just...
What, ''Your dad's come home from Canada to visit you and the kids, Luke.''
''Your dad's collapsed because of some silly diet, Luke.''
I know this is a shock, but there's still so many things
the doctors can do, isn't there, Rob?
LUKE: I know you're a nurse, Mum,
but an expert on heart disease now, is it?
Don't have a go at your mother.
I should have told you. I just couldn't find the right time.
Yeah, when is the right time, Rob? When you're dead?
Luke...
I don't wanna talk, no more.
-I'm sorry, Zoe. -See yourselves out, is it?
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
(SIGHS)
Oh. You.
Okay, kiddo,
I may not have been telling the whole truth earlier.
The thing is, I got nothing.
And that's the God's honest.
I got nothing, and no one,
and nowhere to go.
You're the only one I know who won't turn me away.
You won't turn me away...
Will you?
I don't know where Luke gets that temper from.
Must be you.
Well, at least he knows the truth now.
Some of it.
What do you mean?
I had these tests done.
I didn't tell you.
What tests?
To see if I could withstand a bypass.
But it turns out that I can't.
My consultant rang me this afternoon.
Right, well, what are they gonna do then?
'Cause they gotta do something.
Drugs, or...
I suspect they may have run out of options.
Oh Jesus, Rob!
Every time you come back, you're like this exploding bomb
that blows my fucking world apart!
Sorry, that's probably the most self-centred thing I've ever said.
I just can't imagine you not being here, that's all.
Thanks for the lift.
Have you ever done something that you regret?
-I want you gone by the end of the day. -Come on, B!
I request that you leave, immediately.
You don't fire me, mush!
I resign.
Are you all right?
No, bloody wrecks, it does.
It's Braxton Hicks, or indigestion.
I wanna call Mikey.