1
00:00:00,098 --> 00:00:01,770
Do you want to marry me or what?
2
00:00:01,438 --> 00:00:02,473
Like you wouldn't believe.
3
00:00:02,878 --> 00:00:05,028
Remember when we'd been
going out for six months?
4
00:00:05,158 --> 00:00:07,388
You made me that little silver heart.
5
00:00:08,798 --> 00:00:10,436
I'm to move to the historic town
of Middlesbrough.
6
00:00:11,278 --> 00:00:13,473
-If I'm not his father, who is?
-Keckers.
7
00:00:21,278 --> 00:00:24,156
And then she smiles
8
00:00:24,558 --> 00:00:26,674
And my heart starts beating
9
00:00:26,758 --> 00:00:29,113
I go weak inside
10
00:00:30,558 --> 00:00:33,356
Na na na na na na
11
00:00:33,918 --> 00:00:35,271
Na na na
12
00:00:43,478 --> 00:00:45,548
Oak, how do you
actually spell your name?
13
00:00:45,638 --> 00:00:47,230
-Is it O-R-K?
-No.
14
00:00:47,558 --> 00:00:48,877
It's O-A-K.
15
00:00:49,038 --> 00:00:50,630
Oak, isn't it, like the tree?
16
00:00:50,838 --> 00:00:52,874
-Douchebag.
-Hey, brother.
17
00:00:53,198 --> 00:00:57,032
Who cares about spelling, it's just
another form of social imprisonment.
18
00:00:58,478 --> 00:00:59,547
Coming through.
19
00:00:59,638 --> 00:01:01,549
Pontyberry's newest and finest
20
00:01:01,638 --> 00:01:03,788
director de funerals. Sorry, babe.
21
00:01:03,878 --> 00:01:06,597
-Love and light.
-Anyone fancy some porridge?
22
00:01:06,678 --> 00:01:09,476
Oh, no way,
it's like eating papier mâché.
23
00:01:09,798 --> 00:01:12,232
You don't look the
type to eat porridge, Stell.
24
00:01:12,318 --> 00:01:14,036
I always think of you
as a bit of a sausage muncher.
25
00:01:14,238 --> 00:01:15,273
Yeah, well...
26
00:01:15,478 --> 00:01:17,867
-I'm trying to lose a stone, aren't I?
-What for?
27
00:01:18,358 --> 00:01:19,393
Nothing.
28
00:01:19,478 --> 00:01:21,514
I noticed you put on a bit
since I've been away.
29
00:01:21,878 --> 00:01:24,472
-Oh.
-None of us needs a body, you know.
30
00:01:24,718 --> 00:01:26,868
It's the milk inside
the coconut that counts.
31
00:01:27,278 --> 00:01:28,427
Not the hairy, hoary shell.
32
00:01:28,718 --> 00:01:30,993
What are you saying, Oak,
that I'm a hairy, hoary shell?
33
00:01:31,518 --> 00:01:33,270
-In a way, yeah.
-Nice.
34
00:01:33,398 --> 00:01:37,311
Well, good God.
I have seen it all now!
35
00:01:37,478 --> 00:01:41,790
That Michael Jackson moving boxes
and all sorts into his garden shed.
36
00:01:42,278 --> 00:01:45,395
-Don't tell me he finally left you.
- Oh, shut up.
37
00:01:45,958 --> 00:01:48,233
He's turning it into an office,
that's all.
38
00:01:48,558 --> 00:01:50,514
Till he finds somewhere more permanent.
39
00:01:50,598 --> 00:01:53,271
Ooh, how the mighty have fallen, eh?
40
00:01:53,398 --> 00:01:57,596
One minute a high-flying city lawyer
on the banks of the South Bank,
41
00:01:57,678 --> 00:02:01,956
next thing setting up office
on a Pontyberry allotment!
42
00:02:02,038 --> 00:02:03,073
Here you are.
43
00:02:04,038 --> 00:02:07,394
Right, you lot, clear up after you.
I'm taking Michael his porridge.
44
00:02:08,958 --> 00:02:11,836
She's nothing but a slave to that man.
45
00:02:12,838 --> 00:02:13,827
No pride.
46
00:02:14,038 --> 00:02:17,667
Skivvying around him like
what's-her-name from Downton.
47
00:02:18,238 --> 00:02:19,466
But I'll say it again.
48
00:02:20,278 --> 00:02:21,313
Here you are.
49
00:02:26,118 --> 00:02:28,427
Sex after breakfast.
50
00:02:29,038 --> 00:02:30,915
-This is so...
-Decadent?
51
00:02:31,318 --> 00:02:35,106
I was going to say naughty
but decadent sounds so much better.
52
00:02:39,958 --> 00:02:41,357
-Do you know what?
-Mmm.
53
00:02:41,518 --> 00:02:43,270
I've been in this bed a few times.
54
00:02:43,358 --> 00:02:44,677
You most certainly have.
55
00:02:45,118 --> 00:02:48,269
And I always wonder why you've
only got one bedside table.
56
00:02:50,438 --> 00:02:51,427
Oh.
57
00:02:51,918 --> 00:02:52,907
Well, I...
58
00:02:53,358 --> 00:02:54,950
I haven't had need of two before.
59
00:02:56,238 --> 00:02:58,513
-After the divorce I'm...
- Dad.
60
00:02:58,838 --> 00:03:00,510
Guess who's home from Ibiza?
61
00:03:00,718 --> 00:03:01,707
Jasminder.
62
00:03:01,798 --> 00:03:03,550
Yanto said you'd gone back to bed,
are you well or...
63
00:03:03,638 --> 00:03:04,866
What the fuck!
64
00:03:05,558 --> 00:03:07,947
Jasminder, I'm sorry but this...
65
00:03:10,598 --> 00:03:12,190
This is exactly what it looks like.
66
00:03:16,038 --> 00:03:18,188
I can't believe you haven't told her.
67
00:03:19,118 --> 00:03:20,756
- Not even Katie?
- No.
68
00:03:21,438 --> 00:03:24,032
- Or Ben or Luke or Emma?
- No.
69
00:03:24,398 --> 00:03:25,797
Surely we can tell Banjo.
70
00:03:26,558 --> 00:03:27,786
-Go on, then.
-Banjo.
71
00:03:28,198 --> 00:03:30,189
Stella and I are getting married.
72
00:03:30,798 --> 00:03:32,231
You're not to breathe a word, OK?
73
00:03:35,398 --> 00:03:36,626
Ooh, I've ordered my dress.
74
00:03:36,838 --> 00:03:39,671
It's a size too small
but I thought that would give me a goal.
75
00:03:39,838 --> 00:03:41,715
You know, like,
two months to lose a stone.
76
00:03:42,318 --> 00:03:45,469
I'm going up to Dr Cronje's now in a bit
to get some of them slimming tablets.
77
00:03:45,718 --> 00:03:49,233
So why do women always buy dresses
a size smaller than they actually are?
78
00:03:49,318 --> 00:03:50,876
Why not just buy the right size?
79
00:03:51,718 --> 00:03:54,437
You know nothing
about female psychology, do you?
80
00:03:55,358 --> 00:03:56,347
You can say that again.
81
00:03:57,918 --> 00:03:59,351
What if Beyonce isn't lying?
82
00:03:59,958 --> 00:04:02,233
What if Jackson
really isn't my boy?
83
00:04:03,118 --> 00:04:04,870
I miss him so much, Stell,
84
00:04:04,958 --> 00:04:07,347
but I don't even know
if he's mine to miss.
85
00:04:07,958 --> 00:04:12,349
Look, for what it's worth I was there
when that baby was born.
86
00:04:12,758 --> 00:04:15,272
-And he was the splitting image of you.
-Spitting image...
87
00:04:15,518 --> 00:04:17,395
It's spitting image, not ''splitting.''
88
00:04:18,118 --> 00:04:19,107
-Is it?
-Yeah.
89
00:04:19,638 --> 00:04:22,869
Anyway, when babies are newborn,
they look like their dads, apparently.
90
00:04:23,398 --> 00:04:26,390
Harks back to when we were apes
or lions or something.
91
00:04:26,478 --> 00:04:27,513
Lions? Are you sure?
92
00:04:27,638 --> 00:04:30,675
And that baby was definitely yours.
93
00:04:30,918 --> 00:04:32,351
Now, I might be wrong about it.
94
00:04:32,438 --> 00:04:35,191
Of course I might,
but I don't think I am.
95
00:04:37,158 --> 00:04:39,228
Is it definitely ''spitting image,''
not ''splitting''?
96
00:04:39,318 --> 00:04:40,990
-Yeah.
-Hmm.
97
00:04:44,238 --> 00:04:46,547
I thought we could pop down
the market today, Nads.
98
00:04:46,638 --> 00:04:49,789
Angry Paul said he's got
some cracking new stuff on the stall.
99
00:04:49,918 --> 00:04:52,386
Like these wind-up squirrels,
ever so lifelike.
100
00:04:53,238 --> 00:04:54,227
He got, um...
101
00:04:55,478 --> 00:04:59,027
...grey and a red.
102
00:05:00,318 --> 00:05:03,833
And custom pink and a...
103
00:05:03,918 --> 00:05:06,193
Nadine, I know you are angry,
104
00:05:06,278 --> 00:05:08,951
but please meet me at the bench at 2.;00.
105
00:05:09,638 --> 00:05:11,117
I must with you speak.
106
00:05:11,798 --> 00:05:13,436
We've got to get one
for Genevieve, like.
107
00:05:14,318 --> 00:05:15,546
Yeah, whatevs.
108
00:05:15,638 --> 00:05:17,151
I do love Angry Paul.
109
00:05:17,638 --> 00:05:18,957
Cracking sense of humour.
110
00:05:22,478 --> 00:05:25,038
You seem to have brought
half of Ibiza back with you.
111
00:05:30,318 --> 00:05:32,786
-Where's Danny?
-Stayed out there.
112
00:05:33,078 --> 00:05:34,431
He's got a job in a bar.
113
00:05:34,718 --> 00:05:37,516
-Oh, so you have...
-And, no, we haven't split up.
114
00:05:37,598 --> 00:05:38,872
I'm going back next week.
115
00:05:39,118 --> 00:05:41,632
I just popped home for a few days
to surprise you and what do I find?
116
00:05:41,718 --> 00:05:44,710
-You're sleeping with the pub cleaner.
-She's not the pub cleaner.
117
00:05:44,798 --> 00:05:46,675
-Yes, she is.
-She is my love.
118
00:05:46,758 --> 00:05:49,477
-Oh, please.
-Who happens to be the pub cleaner.
119
00:05:49,998 --> 00:05:52,114
It's all so seedy, Dad. The whole thing.
120
00:05:52,838 --> 00:05:55,671
-I mean, what's she really after, hmm?
121
00:05:58,718 --> 00:06:01,152
I thought you might want this
for your laundry.
122
00:06:02,798 --> 00:06:04,675
It's an ironing board.
123
00:06:11,598 --> 00:06:12,587
Stella.
124
00:06:13,238 --> 00:06:14,432
What are you doing here?
125
00:06:15,598 --> 00:06:17,077
Baby's not ill, is he?
126
00:06:17,278 --> 00:06:18,631
No, it's just a checkup.
127
00:06:19,558 --> 00:06:20,752
Hello, sweetheart.
128
00:06:20,918 --> 00:06:22,476
See, I do care about my baby.
129
00:06:22,758 --> 00:06:23,952
I know it's a shock.
130
00:06:24,518 --> 00:06:25,951
Why are you here? You sick?
131
00:06:26,438 --> 00:06:28,235
No. just fat.
132
00:06:28,998 --> 00:06:30,317
-So long.
133
00:06:32,718 --> 00:06:33,707
Hey.
134
00:06:36,438 --> 00:06:40,431
Listen, presh, about Michael...
135
00:06:40,798 --> 00:06:42,072
Ugh!
136
00:06:48,558 --> 00:06:49,547
Carole.
137
00:06:51,598 --> 00:06:54,590
I will not leave this doorstep
until you believe me when I say
138
00:06:54,678 --> 00:06:57,431
I do not care one tooth
what anybody says or thinks.
139
00:06:58,838 --> 00:07:02,228
Especially Jasminder, who may be
my daughter, but she's very misguided.
140
00:07:02,398 --> 00:07:05,356
Cos I think you
are a wonderful person.
141
00:07:06,118 --> 00:07:07,836
Well, thank you very much.
142
00:07:09,158 --> 00:07:11,035
Sorry, Jaime. Is your mother there?
143
00:07:13,598 --> 00:07:14,587
Who wants to know?
144
00:07:26,678 --> 00:07:28,509
Yeah, I'm just setting up my new office.
145
00:07:28,598 --> 00:07:31,158
Can I call you back later when I've
a chance to look through the contract?
146
00:07:32,958 --> 00:07:35,188
Yeah, and then we can arrange
to meet next week.
147
00:07:38,598 --> 00:07:41,317
Ah, he's got green fingers
and he speaks Arabic.
148
00:07:41,478 --> 00:07:42,957
His talents are never ending.
149
00:07:43,358 --> 00:07:44,552
I'm not very good at crosswords.
150
00:07:44,918 --> 00:07:46,829
--Uh, that was my new boss
151
00:07:46,918 --> 00:07:49,148
and this is my new and temporary office.
152
00:07:49,238 --> 00:07:50,227
Hmm.
153
00:07:51,158 --> 00:07:53,069
-What time do you leave for London?
-About 5:00.
154
00:07:54,118 --> 00:07:55,107
Michael, can we talk?
155
00:07:56,278 --> 00:07:58,314
Look. Put him out of his misery.
156
00:07:58,958 --> 00:08:01,836
If Michael isn't Jackson's dad,
then it's gonna kill him.
157
00:08:02,678 --> 00:08:04,714
But he needs to know
so he can get on with his life.
158
00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:07,115
-And what if he is?
-If he is,
159
00:08:07,318 --> 00:08:10,993
then I promise I will persuade him
not to go for custody.
160
00:08:12,158 --> 00:08:13,147
What do you say?
161
00:08:14,678 --> 00:08:16,873
I say stop sticking your bloody oar in.
162
00:08:17,918 --> 00:08:19,556
Beyonce Evans, Dr Cronje, please.
163
00:08:23,278 --> 00:08:25,872
-Please, Beyonce.
-Come on, babes.
164
00:08:28,798 --> 00:08:30,709
No-one likes sorting out their will.
165
00:08:31,958 --> 00:08:34,267
Up until recently
I thought I was immortal.
166
00:08:36,918 --> 00:08:39,113
My lawyer in Canada has a copy.
167
00:08:39,198 --> 00:08:41,268
I thought it'd be a good idea
for you to have one as well.
168
00:08:41,918 --> 00:08:42,907
You don't mind, do you?
169
00:08:43,518 --> 00:08:44,746
No. Of course not.
170
00:08:49,238 --> 00:08:51,115
Does Stella know you're doing this?
171
00:08:51,998 --> 00:08:52,987
No.
172
00:08:53,318 --> 00:08:54,512
And I'd rather you didn't mention it.
173
00:08:54,838 --> 00:08:57,989
Don't want her getting upset,
and the less she knows the better.
174
00:08:58,078 --> 00:08:59,352
You know what she's like, she'll worry.
175
00:09:00,078 --> 00:09:01,511
You still love her, don't you, Rob?
176
00:09:02,798 --> 00:09:05,437
-She's the mother of my son.
-That's not what I asked you.
177
00:09:08,118 --> 00:09:09,631
She's very difficult not to love.
178
00:09:12,638 --> 00:09:15,550
Suzanne and I are having a pub lunch.
179
00:09:15,918 --> 00:09:18,830
-Fancy joining us?
-Yeah. Why not?
180
00:09:18,998 --> 00:09:20,590
A sort of farewell meal
181
00:09:20,678 --> 00:09:23,272
before I'm stuck on hospital food
for a fortnight, God help me.
182
00:09:23,358 --> 00:09:24,347
Hmm.
183
00:09:26,438 --> 00:09:27,757
I'm glad she met you, Michael.
184
00:09:29,118 --> 00:09:30,233
So am I.
185
00:09:42,198 --> 00:09:44,189
Two glasses
of white wine, please.
186
00:09:44,278 --> 00:09:45,313
Coming right up.
187
00:09:45,398 --> 00:09:46,672
So where to is Abra?
188
00:09:46,758 --> 00:09:48,749
Oak have taken him water divining.
189
00:09:49,078 --> 00:09:50,909
Oh, there's a lot of it about.
190
00:09:50,998 --> 00:09:51,987
Water, I mean.
191
00:09:52,318 --> 00:09:53,353
Listen, I've only got an hour
192
00:09:53,438 --> 00:09:55,190
cos I've got to get back
and pack for London.
193
00:09:55,678 --> 00:09:57,157
You know, me and Luke
are going up with Rob.
194
00:09:57,238 --> 00:09:58,227
Yeah.
195
00:09:58,518 --> 00:10:00,588
I've been focusing on his recovery,
196
00:10:00,678 --> 00:10:02,509
in my meditation's, like...
197
00:10:02,758 --> 00:10:05,272
Have you? Right.
198
00:10:05,478 --> 00:10:08,993
God, I can't believe I've been back
a week and I'm only now seeing you.
199
00:10:12,438 --> 00:10:14,076
Have I got something in my tooth?
200
00:10:14,318 --> 00:10:15,876
I'm connecting with your aura.
201
00:10:16,238 --> 00:10:17,273
Oh.
202
00:10:17,358 --> 00:10:19,826
- Hiya!
-Oh, there's your mam. Hiya.
203
00:10:20,078 --> 00:10:22,797
Oh, she wasn't connecting
with your aura was she, presh?
204
00:10:22,878 --> 00:10:25,756
-Er, yeah.
-Emma, behave. And say hello to Suzanne.
205
00:10:26,078 --> 00:10:27,113
Namaste.
206
00:10:27,198 --> 00:10:28,472
We're having lunch
if you want to join us.
207
00:10:28,718 --> 00:10:31,994
Er, no time for eating.
We've got drinking to do!
208
00:10:41,998 --> 00:10:44,956
Me and Oak speak Punjabi
when we're making love.
209
00:10:45,438 --> 00:10:46,951
Oh, it's such a beautiful language.
210
00:10:47,438 --> 00:10:49,110
You must be pretty fluent then, are you?
211
00:10:55,558 --> 00:10:56,786
You have a small dog?
212
00:10:57,598 --> 00:10:59,316
Child. I mean child.
213
00:11:10,398 --> 00:11:11,956
So you got job now then, Zoe?
214
00:11:12,078 --> 00:11:14,194
Yeah, and it's been
proper life-changing, you know.
215
00:11:14,358 --> 00:11:17,191
I mean some independence,
not just looking after the kids all day.
216
00:11:17,398 --> 00:11:19,866
You'll never catch me being tied down
by kids or a job.
217
00:11:20,078 --> 00:11:21,955
-Life's for living.
-I wouldn't say I'm tied down.
218
00:11:22,038 --> 00:11:24,677
Oak says that to pray is to work
219
00:11:24,838 --> 00:11:28,433
and that bringing up a child
is the most noble thing a person can do.
220
00:11:28,998 --> 00:11:30,556
-Sounds amazing.
-Did he?
221
00:11:31,238 --> 00:11:33,308
-Is Oak his real name?
-It's his spirit name.
222
00:11:33,638 --> 00:11:35,276
Stella said he was born
in Warrington
223
00:11:35,358 --> 00:11:38,031
so, what did his mum and dad call him?
224
00:11:38,118 --> 00:11:39,187
Donald.
225
00:11:52,558 --> 00:11:53,547
Oh, my God,
226
00:11:53,718 --> 00:11:55,674
so I told my dad what I thought
of his girlfriend this morning.
227
00:11:55,758 --> 00:11:57,430
She only went and bloody overheard.
228
00:11:57,598 --> 00:11:59,793
Oh, you mean Carole.
She's good as gold, she is.
229
00:12:00,158 --> 00:12:02,718
-But he can do so much better.
-Jas, don't be so mean.
230
00:12:02,798 --> 00:12:04,754
She's beautiful, I think.
And really kind.
231
00:12:04,838 --> 00:12:07,796
-You don't even know her, do you?
232
00:12:09,718 --> 00:12:11,515
Emma, seriously,
you're getting on my tits now.
233
00:12:11,598 --> 00:12:14,066
-It is a bit annoying.
-I can't understand what you're saying.
234
00:12:14,158 --> 00:12:15,671
It don't sound nothing like Punjabi.
235
00:12:15,758 --> 00:12:18,511
Well maybe you don't understand
cos you've forgotten how to speak it.
236
00:12:18,598 --> 00:12:20,395
-Emma!
-Christ! Listen to you!
237
00:12:20,478 --> 00:12:22,753
You spend a year over there and
you think you're Delhi born and bred.
238
00:12:22,838 --> 00:12:25,272
I'm just saying,
you've been westernised.
239
00:12:25,358 --> 00:12:26,586
-And that's really sad.
-Emma...
240
00:12:26,678 --> 00:12:29,954
I was born in Leeds.
You were born in Ponty-bloody-berry.
241
00:12:30,038 --> 00:12:33,075
Girls, we're meant to be having fun.
This is meant to be a laugh.
242
00:12:33,158 --> 00:12:35,114
Come on, we haven't
seen each other for yonks!
243
00:12:35,238 --> 00:12:36,876
I wish I'd stayed in Ibiza now.
244
00:12:37,638 --> 00:12:39,833
You're only interested
in talking about work and kids.
245
00:12:39,918 --> 00:12:42,113
-And you think you're bloody Indian.
-Oh, I'm going home.
246
00:12:42,198 --> 00:12:43,756
I'm at peace with myself, Jas.
247
00:12:43,838 --> 00:12:45,191
It's freaking me out.
248
00:12:45,278 --> 00:12:46,631
Oh, go back to your weirdo
of a boyfriend.
249
00:12:46,718 --> 00:12:47,707
Ah!
250
00:12:52,278 --> 00:12:54,234
Oh, I love meringue and all.
251
00:12:54,438 --> 00:12:57,032
-We'll order one, then. Excuse me.
-No, I can't.
252
00:12:57,278 --> 00:12:59,314
I'll just have a bit of yours.
Don't count then, do it?
253
00:12:59,398 --> 00:13:01,116
She used to say that about cigarettes.
254
00:13:03,478 --> 00:13:04,593
Aw!
255
00:13:04,798 --> 00:13:07,232
Not exactly pining after your son, Mike.
256
00:13:07,318 --> 00:13:08,114
Beyonce.
257
00:13:08,678 --> 00:13:10,316
-How's it hanging, Rob?
-Yeah, fine.
258
00:13:10,398 --> 00:13:12,787
I heard you was up London,
having an op?
259
00:13:12,878 --> 00:13:14,709
Sorry, I don't think
we have been introduced.
260
00:13:14,918 --> 00:13:16,749
This is the mother of Michael's baby.
261
00:13:16,838 --> 00:13:19,557
Oh, well, we're not 1 00%%%, like...
262
00:13:19,918 --> 00:13:21,317
In fact that's what I come to say.
263
00:13:21,398 --> 00:13:23,628
I've had a think about what
Stella said this morning and if...
264
00:13:23,718 --> 00:13:26,949
-What do you mean what Stella said?
-And if you promise, on his life,
265
00:13:27,038 --> 00:13:29,029
-you won't go for custody.
-What is she talking about?
266
00:13:29,198 --> 00:13:31,348
-Can we not do this now?
-She said if I did the test,
267
00:13:31,438 --> 00:13:33,747
she'd make sure you didn't
go for custody, didn't you, Stell?
268
00:13:33,838 --> 00:13:35,510
-Why'd you say that?
-It wasn't like that.
269
00:13:36,158 --> 00:13:37,716
-Oh, boncy.
-Oh, lord.
270
00:13:37,798 --> 00:13:39,709
Oh, do one, Keckers. I'm talking!
271
00:13:39,798 --> 00:13:41,595
You haven't been answering my calls
272
00:13:41,718 --> 00:13:42,992
and I want to know
if that's my kid.
273
00:13:43,198 --> 00:13:44,870
-This is so humiliating.
-Shall I order some coffees?
274
00:13:44,958 --> 00:13:46,152
If he's mine then fine,
275
00:13:46,238 --> 00:13:49,071
if he's not, I'm not having you
screwing me out of every penny I got
276
00:13:49,158 --> 00:13:51,069
just to pay for some posh bloke's sprog.
277
00:13:51,158 --> 00:13:52,511
-Or a cheese board?
- Truth is
278
00:13:52,918 --> 00:13:55,830
I don't whose it is. I done it
that time with you
279
00:13:55,918 --> 00:13:57,954
and you the week after at my house.
280
00:13:58,038 --> 00:14:00,472
-What about Kelly Jenison's 21st?
-Oh, yeah.
281
00:14:00,558 --> 00:14:01,707
Do they do a cheese board?
282
00:14:01,798 --> 00:14:03,834
And down the alley
back of Drink And Save.
283
00:14:03,958 --> 00:14:05,914
All right, Beyonce, this is ridiculous.
284
00:14:06,238 --> 00:14:07,956
You've got to sort this out
once and for all.
285
00:14:08,318 --> 00:14:10,593
Yes, um, I'll arrange to
get the test done privately.
286
00:14:10,678 --> 00:14:11,793
No need, Mikey boy.
287
00:14:12,838 --> 00:14:14,669
We're going on Selena Child.
288
00:14:14,758 --> 00:14:15,793
-Er, no, we're not.
-What?
289
00:14:15,878 --> 00:14:16,993
Yes, we are.
I spoke to them this morning.
290
00:14:17,078 --> 00:14:18,113
What is Selena Child?
291
00:14:18,198 --> 00:14:19,392
She's a Welsh Jeremy Kyle.
292
00:14:19,518 --> 00:14:20,871
We are not going on Selena Child, OK?
293
00:14:20,958 --> 00:14:23,108
-What is Jeremy Kyle?
-English jerry Springer.
294
00:14:23,358 --> 00:14:25,269
They want us on tomorrow afternoon.
295
00:14:25,358 --> 00:14:27,428
-Will they pay travel?
-They're putting on a bus.
296
00:14:27,558 --> 00:14:28,832
All right. I'm down with that.
297
00:14:28,918 --> 00:14:29,907
--Are you serious?
298
00:14:29,998 --> 00:14:31,909
Selena Child is a monster.
She destroys people.
299
00:14:31,998 --> 00:14:33,670
You're a solicitor,
no different to being in court.
300
00:14:33,878 --> 00:14:34,867
Yeah, why not?
301
00:14:34,958 --> 00:14:37,074
Three of my mates have done
their paternity on there.
302
00:14:37,158 --> 00:14:38,591
It saved a fortune by all accounts.
303
00:14:38,918 --> 00:14:40,909
Well, you're on your own because
I'm not going anywhere near it.
304
00:14:40,998 --> 00:14:41,987
Well, suit yourself.
305
00:14:43,238 --> 00:14:44,637
I'll let you know the outcome.
306
00:14:44,918 --> 00:14:46,909
Keckers, talk money with me.
307
00:14:47,838 --> 00:14:49,556
What about a brandy? Anyone?
308
00:15:00,198 --> 00:15:02,473
Karl thinks I'm jogging,
so get on with it.
309
00:15:02,998 --> 00:15:04,431
--How are you? Are you well?
310
00:15:04,918 --> 00:15:05,907
Listen, Ivan,
311
00:15:06,198 --> 00:15:08,553
I've been pushed and pulled
from pillar to post.
312
00:15:08,638 --> 00:15:10,549
One minute I'm kissed,
the next I'm rejected
313
00:15:10,638 --> 00:15:12,356
and quite frankly I can't take no more.
314
00:15:12,478 --> 00:15:13,831
So what do you want?
315
00:15:13,998 --> 00:15:15,590
To explain all of these actions.
316
00:15:17,118 --> 00:15:18,312
Well, go on then.
317
00:15:20,758 --> 00:15:23,750
I was once a married man.
318
00:15:24,838 --> 00:15:27,068
My wife, she was a dancer.
319
00:15:27,278 --> 00:15:29,951
Rita René, legs like a willow
and the queen of plié.
320
00:15:30,718 --> 00:15:31,753
Very nice, I'm sure.
321
00:15:32,118 --> 00:15:33,710
We were happy for a while.
322
00:15:34,838 --> 00:15:37,796
And then Rita Rene
she fell in love with a ballerina
323
00:15:37,958 --> 00:15:39,516
from Hull, called Malcolm.
324
00:15:39,918 --> 00:15:40,907
Ballerina?
325
00:15:41,918 --> 00:15:44,830
-Did he wear a tutu and that?
-He was in the corps de ballet.
326
00:15:45,078 --> 00:15:46,397
He wore not a tutu.
327
00:15:47,238 --> 00:15:48,910
just a cynical smile upon his cheek
328
00:15:48,998 --> 00:15:51,114
-and a guilty pleasure in his eye.
-Go on.
329
00:15:51,358 --> 00:15:54,714
Rita, she left me for Malcolm
and my heart it broke.
330
00:15:55,478 --> 00:15:59,027
And I vowed I would never to another man
do what he to me had done.
331
00:15:59,158 --> 00:16:00,830
And then I met you.
332
00:16:01,558 --> 00:16:02,832
A married women.
333
00:16:02,918 --> 00:16:04,874
A happily married women.
334
00:16:06,118 --> 00:16:08,188
Or at least I was
up until a few weeks ago.
335
00:16:10,278 --> 00:16:11,267
Ms Bevan...
336
00:16:12,398 --> 00:16:14,912
...you have shaken to its core my world.
337
00:16:14,998 --> 00:16:16,590
Tell me about it.
338
00:16:16,718 --> 00:16:18,868
My whole life have gone to cock
since I met you.
339
00:16:19,478 --> 00:16:21,150
If I do not ask you this,
340
00:16:21,238 --> 00:16:24,230
I will live with regret
until my dying breath.
341
00:16:26,118 --> 00:16:27,915
I have here a ticket.
342
00:16:28,558 --> 00:16:30,196
A one-way ticket...
343
00:16:31,198 --> 00:16:32,790
...to Middlesbrough.
344
00:16:34,158 --> 00:16:36,467
I want you to come away with me.
345
00:16:36,758 --> 00:16:38,430
You and Genevieve.
346
00:16:40,198 --> 00:16:41,233
There is no ticket for her
347
00:16:41,318 --> 00:16:43,468
as children may travel for free
until the age of five.
348
00:16:46,678 --> 00:16:47,667
Hang on a minute.
349
00:16:47,838 --> 00:16:50,193
Me and Gen just can't up sticks
and head north.
350
00:16:50,438 --> 00:16:52,156
What do you think we are,
a travelling circus?
351
00:16:52,478 --> 00:16:54,196
Please, say no more.
352
00:16:55,438 --> 00:16:57,394
Merely think upon it and let me know.
353
00:17:02,398 --> 00:17:05,390
OK, hotel details on my phone.
354
00:17:05,478 --> 00:17:08,151
Overnight bag, packed separately.
355
00:17:08,358 --> 00:17:09,916
Purse, laptop,
356
00:17:09,998 --> 00:17:11,829
DVDs cos I'm gonna be so bored.
357
00:17:11,918 --> 00:17:13,909
Yeah, and I've put that horror film
that I was telling about.
358
00:17:14,158 --> 00:17:15,193
--Nice.
359
00:17:15,278 --> 00:17:17,234
Can I leave you the
keys to the cottage, Stella?
360
00:17:17,398 --> 00:17:19,389
Then you can maybe put the heating on
361
00:17:19,478 --> 00:17:22,038
-for when we get back.
-Which will be sooner than you think.
362
00:17:23,718 --> 00:17:26,107
-God.
- Oh, come here.
363
00:17:26,518 --> 00:17:28,827
-You'll start me off.
-Sorry.
364
00:17:29,078 --> 00:17:31,273
Bloody women, honestly,
they cry at the drop of a hat.
365
00:17:31,358 --> 00:17:33,269
--Oi, just cos you're ill
366
00:17:33,358 --> 00:17:34,507
don't mean you can be sexist.
367
00:17:34,758 --> 00:17:35,986
You spoil all the fun, you do.
368
00:17:39,438 --> 00:17:41,076
Right. Go, you.
369
00:17:47,118 --> 00:17:48,471
-Good luck, Rob.
-Thank you.
370
00:17:49,278 --> 00:17:51,872
Right. Come on.
I want to get me behind that wheel.
371
00:18:11,678 --> 00:18:13,350
-You all right?
-Yeah.
372
00:18:15,358 --> 00:18:16,950
Stella, there's something I want to do.
373
00:18:17,038 --> 00:18:19,916
Oh, now don't be
worrying about that stupid TV show
374
00:18:19,998 --> 00:18:21,272
cos it'll be over and forgotten with
375
00:18:21,358 --> 00:18:22,996
-before you know it.
-No, it's not that.
376
00:18:24,118 --> 00:18:25,187
It's silly, really,
377
00:18:25,278 --> 00:18:27,633
it's something I've been
carrying around with me for days.
378
00:18:27,718 --> 00:18:30,152
-A guilty secret?
-No.
379
00:18:32,078 --> 00:18:33,067
This.
380
00:18:36,758 --> 00:18:39,352
Oh, you gorgeous, beautiful man.
381
00:18:39,918 --> 00:18:41,670
I know we wanted it to be a secret,
382
00:18:41,758 --> 00:18:45,433
but I want people to know
how lucky I am.
383
00:19:01,078 --> 00:19:02,477
You'll be Stella Jackson.
384
00:19:02,878 --> 00:19:04,550
I know. Sounds good, doesn't it?
385
00:19:04,798 --> 00:19:06,277
Better than Morris, I've got to say.
386
00:19:06,518 --> 00:19:07,837
Which was better than Kosh.
387
00:19:07,918 --> 00:19:10,113
Aw, Mam that's wicked. I'm well chuffed.
388
00:19:10,478 --> 00:19:12,150
Can me and Little Al
do your wedding video?
389
00:19:12,238 --> 00:19:14,274
Well, the thing is, presh, um,
390
00:19:14,678 --> 00:19:17,590
we want to keep it really low key,
you know, just the two of us
391
00:19:17,678 --> 00:19:19,316
and two witnesses.
392
00:19:19,558 --> 00:19:21,389
What, you're not inviting us,
your own children?
393
00:19:21,598 --> 00:19:23,475
-Mam, that's rank!
- Titali.
394
00:19:24,478 --> 00:19:25,467
Negativity.
395
00:19:26,278 --> 00:19:27,347
I'm sorry, but it is.
396
00:19:27,958 --> 00:19:29,357
I wanted Abra to be a page boy.
397
00:19:29,638 --> 00:19:31,390
Never mind Abra, I want to be page boy.
398
00:19:31,478 --> 00:19:33,912
-Do you? Why?
-Not page boy, best man.
399
00:19:33,998 --> 00:19:34,987
-You said page boy.
-Didn't.
400
00:19:35,078 --> 00:19:36,227
-Yeah, you did.
-Didn't.
401
00:19:36,718 --> 00:19:37,833
I just spoke to Katie.
402
00:19:37,918 --> 00:19:40,557
She's very happy for us but not best
pleased that we're not inviting her.
403
00:19:40,718 --> 00:19:41,707
-See?
-See?
404
00:19:41,838 --> 00:19:44,671
-Right. Well, just the kids then, yeah?
-Yeah.
405
00:19:45,238 --> 00:19:47,627
What in the name of Scritti Politti
is going on?
406
00:19:47,718 --> 00:19:49,356
I just heard you
two are getting married.
407
00:19:49,438 --> 00:19:51,110
- Who told you?
-And you haven't invited me!
408
00:19:51,238 --> 00:19:53,672
The mayor of Pontyberry and your own
flesh and blood!
409
00:19:53,838 --> 00:19:55,351
-Have it really come to this?
- Hey!
410
00:19:55,798 --> 00:19:56,787
Congratulations.
411
00:19:57,078 --> 00:19:58,067
We heard you got engaged!
412
00:19:58,158 --> 00:19:59,511
-Oh.
-Yeah. Nice, well done.
413
00:19:59,598 --> 00:20:00,587
Let's see the ring.
414
00:20:00,998 --> 00:20:02,192
Yeah. Nice. Well done.
415
00:20:02,278 --> 00:20:04,667
-So when's the big day?
-Yeah, when is the big day?
416
00:20:06,118 --> 00:20:08,029
If it's not on a Saturday,
I'll have to book time off.
417
00:20:23,958 --> 00:20:26,108
Don't have a go, all right?
418
00:20:26,198 --> 00:20:27,677
Head can't take it.
419
00:20:28,678 --> 00:20:29,872
I heard you went clubbing.
420
00:20:30,318 --> 00:20:31,990
This place was doing my head in.
421
00:20:33,078 --> 00:20:34,636
Mates have all changed.
422
00:20:34,958 --> 00:20:36,357
Don't know why I bothered coming back.
423
00:20:36,758 --> 00:20:38,271
Well, your dad's really pleased you did.
424
00:20:38,478 --> 00:20:40,196
Him?
425
00:20:40,398 --> 00:20:42,070
What does he care?
426
00:20:42,478 --> 00:20:45,276
He's all loved up
with his new girlfriend.
427
00:20:45,838 --> 00:20:47,112
Oh, no offence.
428
00:20:51,758 --> 00:20:53,635
I really like him, you know, Jas.
429
00:20:54,238 --> 00:20:57,514
I'm not some wicked witch
coming to steal him away.
430
00:20:57,958 --> 00:20:59,152
I know.
431
00:21:01,238 --> 00:21:02,353
Look,
432
00:21:02,678 --> 00:21:05,192
I'm sorry for what I said yesterday.
433
00:21:05,278 --> 00:21:07,792
I shout my mouth off sometimes
and I don't think.
434
00:21:08,358 --> 00:21:11,748
And I've got to say I haven't seen
my dad this happy in ages.
435
00:21:12,958 --> 00:21:14,550
So you must be doing something right.
436
00:21:18,998 --> 00:21:20,795
Them robes leave nothing to
the imagination, do they?
437
00:21:22,838 --> 00:21:25,477
Very well ventilated, that's for sure.
438
00:21:26,238 --> 00:21:27,591
Where's Suzanne?
439
00:21:27,678 --> 00:21:30,397
Her and Zoe just chatting
to the nurse.
440
00:21:31,878 --> 00:21:32,867
So...
441
00:21:33,798 --> 00:21:34,833
You all right?
442
00:21:35,598 --> 00:21:36,872
As I'll ever be.
443
00:21:37,758 --> 00:21:40,147
Hey, I bet you're gutted you're missing
the Selena Child Show.
444
00:21:40,238 --> 00:21:42,229
Yeah. I'll never forgive you.
445
00:21:43,958 --> 00:21:47,997
Look, er, if I don't, you know...
446
00:21:48,838 --> 00:21:50,317
Let's not have this conversation.
447
00:21:50,398 --> 00:21:53,515
No, everything's just taken care of,
that's all.
448
00:21:55,038 --> 00:21:57,108
I don't say this nearly often enough...
449
00:21:58,478 --> 00:21:59,991
...but I love you, Luke.
450
00:22:01,358 --> 00:22:03,588
And I'm really proud that you're my son.
451
00:22:08,838 --> 00:22:11,432
just hurry up and get well, will you?
452
00:22:11,638 --> 00:22:13,629
You stubborn old bastard.
453
00:22:16,118 --> 00:22:18,507
OK, the porters are here now,
Mr Morgan. Shall we get on with it?
454
00:22:19,158 --> 00:22:21,388
I've got nothing better to do.
455
00:22:52,158 --> 00:22:54,035
I just heard from Luke,
456
00:22:54,118 --> 00:22:55,915
Rob's gone down to theatre.
457
00:22:56,038 --> 00:22:57,357
-Bless him.
-Hmm.
458
00:22:57,598 --> 00:22:58,917
You all right?
459
00:22:58,998 --> 00:23:00,351
Not really.
460
00:23:00,878 --> 00:23:02,231
Me and Oak,
461
00:23:02,358 --> 00:23:04,394
our energies have collided.
462
00:23:04,958 --> 00:23:06,357
You mean you've fallen out?
463
00:23:06,478 --> 00:23:07,593
Yeah.
464
00:23:07,878 --> 00:23:09,197
Where to is he now, then?
465
00:23:09,278 --> 00:23:11,189
Gone off in a huff up Warrington.
466
00:23:13,238 --> 00:23:16,310
I don't know, Mum.
I can't keep it up no longer.
467
00:23:16,398 --> 00:23:18,866
Being all deep and mystical
468
00:23:18,958 --> 00:23:21,552
I try my best but I just get confused.
469
00:23:21,878 --> 00:23:26,110
I say okra instead of chakra,
and korma instead of karma.
470
00:23:27,118 --> 00:23:30,269
And I got no idea what
''consciousness expansion'' do mean.
471
00:23:31,638 --> 00:23:34,596
It was easier in India.
It's like a different world out there.
472
00:23:34,718 --> 00:23:38,267
But being back in Pontyberry
made me go all Welsh again.
473
00:23:38,398 --> 00:23:41,549
Oh, Em, you're so lovely.
474
00:23:42,118 --> 00:23:45,588
And if you don't like the real you,
then there's not much point, is there?
475
00:23:45,678 --> 00:23:47,157
I know.
476
00:23:47,918 --> 00:23:49,146
To be honest
477
00:23:49,438 --> 00:23:52,111
if he wasn't so good at oral sex,
I would've ditched him long ago.
478
00:23:52,198 --> 00:23:53,313
Emma!
479
00:23:56,838 --> 00:23:58,988
You'll defo not go on this
Selena Child thing?
480
00:23:59,078 --> 00:24:00,067
No.
481
00:24:00,438 --> 00:24:03,032
Though I'm starting to think
we should have gone.
482
00:24:03,358 --> 00:24:05,235
Cos that poor baby is gonna grow up
483
00:24:05,318 --> 00:24:08,833
knowing his mother was called a slapper
on some trashy TV show.
484
00:24:09,438 --> 00:24:12,271
It's not too late, you know.
Where to is Michael?
485
00:24:19,398 --> 00:24:20,797
Can I remind everybody
486
00:24:20,878 --> 00:24:23,346
smoking is not permitted in the studio.
487
00:24:25,158 --> 00:24:26,147
Hi, guys.
488
00:24:26,238 --> 00:24:28,752
OK. Can I just check?
Are you all here for,
489
00:24:28,838 --> 00:24:31,750
My Sister's Really my Uncle
or Who's the Daddy? It ain't me.
490
00:24:32,478 --> 00:24:34,548
Who's the Daddy? It ain't me.
491
00:24:34,638 --> 00:24:37,357
- OK, this way, please.
-Can I stick my cans in the fridge?
492
00:24:37,438 --> 00:24:38,791
Strictly no alcohol in the studio.
493
00:24:38,878 --> 00:24:40,550
What? I paid a quid for them, man!
494
00:24:40,998 --> 00:24:42,636
Hey. Shall we go near the cameras?
495
00:24:42,718 --> 00:24:44,151
I'm not bothered, really.
496
00:24:46,918 --> 00:24:48,909
Uh, uh, uh. Sorry, we're in there.
497
00:24:54,318 --> 00:24:55,990
-What's up, chick?
-Nothing.
498
00:24:56,558 --> 00:24:58,674
-It's Ivan, isn't it?
499
00:24:59,078 --> 00:25:00,716
Bobs, he's asked me
to go away with him...
500
00:25:00,878 --> 00:25:01,867
--...to Middlesbrough...
501
00:25:01,998 --> 00:25:03,113
--...on a train.
502
00:25:03,198 --> 00:25:04,836
--All right, stop gasping.
503
00:25:04,918 --> 00:25:05,953
Sorry.
504
00:25:06,038 --> 00:25:09,314
He leaves tomorrow on the 11:37.
505
00:25:09,798 --> 00:25:11,789
-Such a mess.
-Oh.
506
00:25:14,358 --> 00:25:15,427
Excuse me,
507
00:25:15,518 --> 00:25:18,237
I need to urgently speak with one
of your contributors, Beyonce Evans.
508
00:25:18,318 --> 00:25:19,717
-Sorry, who are you?
-Michael Jackson.
509
00:25:19,838 --> 00:25:23,148
-Oh. Yeah, right.
-He's the father of Beyonce's child.
510
00:25:23,438 --> 00:25:24,917
At least we think he is.
511
00:25:25,358 --> 00:25:27,713
Look, she can't go on the show.
It's not fair on the baby.
512
00:25:29,918 --> 00:25:30,907
It's Luke.
513
00:25:32,278 --> 00:25:33,267
Luke.
514
00:25:33,358 --> 00:25:35,792
-Do you want to come with me a minute?
- Any news?
515
00:25:35,878 --> 00:25:38,676
So what I'd like to see is no fighting,
516
00:25:38,878 --> 00:25:41,312
no swearing, no punching,
no spitting, no...
517
00:25:41,398 --> 00:25:42,751
Doesn't bastard leave us much.
518
00:25:44,678 --> 00:25:46,873
-Well, can they tell you anything?
- No.
519
00:25:47,078 --> 00:25:49,069
Only that he'll be in there
at least another two hours.
520
00:25:49,238 --> 00:25:50,751
Oh, God.
521
00:25:50,838 --> 00:25:52,794
I'm sorry I'm not there with you, presh.
522
00:25:52,878 --> 00:25:54,709
Hey, it's better this way.
523
00:25:54,998 --> 00:25:56,113
Anyway, Michael needs you.
524
00:25:56,318 --> 00:25:57,307
Hmm.
525
00:25:57,638 --> 00:25:59,151
Are you all right, Lukey?
526
00:25:59,518 --> 00:26:01,713
Yeah, you know me, Mam, nerves of steel.
527
00:26:02,558 --> 00:26:04,514
Go play havoc with that Selena Child.
528
00:26:04,758 --> 00:26:07,318
I love you.
529
00:26:07,838 --> 00:26:09,066
Yeah, I love you, too.
530
00:26:10,438 --> 00:26:11,791
But there is no bloody story.
531
00:26:11,878 --> 00:26:14,438
But there is doubt of
the baby's paternity, isn't there?
532
00:26:15,158 --> 00:26:17,433
-Well, yes.
-So let's resolve it.
533
00:26:23,638 --> 00:26:26,152
Oh, my God. I've just seen
Andy the weatherman in the bogs.
534
00:26:26,238 --> 00:26:27,466
Oh, I like him.
535
00:26:27,558 --> 00:26:28,707
And you'll never guess who else I saw.
536
00:26:30,558 --> 00:26:31,547
Michael Jackson.
537
00:26:31,798 --> 00:26:33,117
Don't be daft, man. He's dead.
538
00:26:33,278 --> 00:26:35,109
No! Our Michael.
539
00:26:35,558 --> 00:26:36,911
He's rowing with a producer.
540
00:26:36,998 --> 00:26:38,317
Cockin' cock!
541
00:26:38,598 --> 00:26:41,908
Hold on to your hats, Marj,
you're in for a bumpy ride.
542
00:26:44,758 --> 00:26:45,827
Uh, excuse me.
543
00:26:45,918 --> 00:26:47,192
-You can't go through there.
-What?
544
00:26:47,278 --> 00:26:48,711
No, I'm looking for my fiancé.
545
00:26:49,038 --> 00:26:50,027
Stell?
546
00:26:50,318 --> 00:26:51,307
Over by here.
547
00:26:52,798 --> 00:26:54,311
Hey, move up.
548
00:26:55,078 --> 00:26:56,067
Shift it!
549
00:26:58,638 --> 00:27:01,277
-Oh, my God, where to is Michael?
-I wish I knew.
550
00:27:01,878 --> 00:27:04,915
Going in three, two, one.
551
00:27:05,078 --> 00:27:08,957
--She's fit, she fearless, she's feisty.
552
00:27:09,478 --> 00:27:13,517
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Selena Child.
553
00:27:24,318 --> 00:27:25,910
On today's show
554
00:27:25,998 --> 00:27:29,593
the sexually irrepressible
and irresponsible woman
555
00:27:29,718 --> 00:27:31,549
who can't make up her mind.
556
00:27:31,678 --> 00:27:33,589
We ask, who's the daddy?
557
00:27:34,438 --> 00:27:36,030
I'm Selena Child.
558
00:27:38,238 --> 00:27:39,307
Oh, my God.
559
00:27:39,398 --> 00:27:41,354
There's Bobby in the audience
and Nadine.
560
00:27:41,518 --> 00:27:43,156
This is hilarious.
561
00:27:44,118 --> 00:27:46,268
Where have you been?
It's just getting good.
562
00:27:46,358 --> 00:27:49,077
I have been shopping to buy this.
563
00:27:49,158 --> 00:27:50,910
-A bedside table?
-Yes.
564
00:27:51,478 --> 00:27:52,593
I was wondering if...
565
00:27:55,438 --> 00:27:57,110
Carole, would you do me the honour of...
566
00:27:59,238 --> 00:28:00,717
Of moving in with me?
567
00:28:01,158 --> 00:28:02,557
And Jaime, of course.
568
00:28:04,718 --> 00:28:08,313
Well, you bought me a bedside table,
how could I possibly refuse?
569
00:28:14,158 --> 00:28:17,230
You've been with half the (BLEEP) town.
Even Duggy Bucket and Spade!
570
00:28:17,318 --> 00:28:19,673
...off, I went nowhere near
Duggy Bucket and Spade.
571
00:28:19,758 --> 00:28:21,430
Well, even I heard that one, to be fair.
572
00:28:21,518 --> 00:28:22,507
Yeah, me.
573
00:28:22,598 --> 00:28:25,715
Come off it, who haven't been
with Duggy Bucket and (BLEEP) Spade?
574
00:28:25,798 --> 00:28:26,867
All right, calm it down.
575
00:28:26,958 --> 00:28:28,914
I even heard you (BLEEP) have, Nadine.
576
00:28:29,438 --> 00:28:30,791
--OK, calm it!
577
00:28:31,918 --> 00:28:33,636
Don't be (BLEEP) disgusting.
578
00:28:33,718 --> 00:28:34,753
-Whoa!
- Whoa!
579
00:28:37,198 --> 00:28:40,031
The issue here is not how many men
she slept with,
580
00:28:40,118 --> 00:28:42,188
but which one got her pregnant?
581
00:28:43,238 --> 00:28:44,227
You,
582
00:28:44,318 --> 00:28:46,229
woman with the hair, eating a pastie,
583
00:28:46,318 --> 00:28:47,592
what have you got to say about all this?
584
00:28:48,638 --> 00:28:49,753
Me?
585
00:28:50,078 --> 00:28:52,911
I'm mayor of Pontyberry, I'm impartial!
586
00:28:52,998 --> 00:28:54,317
So is Glen.
587
00:28:54,398 --> 00:28:55,387
Yes.
588
00:28:55,558 --> 00:28:58,755
Let's turn now to the third player
in the story.
589
00:28:58,838 --> 00:29:02,433
He didn't want to come on here today.
Is it because he's too ashamed?
590
00:29:02,558 --> 00:29:03,911
Let's find out.
591
00:29:03,998 --> 00:29:05,511
Michael, come on out!
592
00:29:05,878 --> 00:29:06,913
-Oh!
593
00:29:07,358 --> 00:29:09,872
Look, he's on the bloody stage.
594
00:29:10,358 --> 00:29:12,030
I just think this is bloody ludicrous.
595
00:29:12,198 --> 00:29:14,951
Ooh, we got a posh boy here, have we?
596
00:29:15,038 --> 00:29:17,427
I bet you're hoping to hell
that kid isn't yours.
597
00:29:17,958 --> 00:29:19,914
-Actually...
-Yes, he is!
598
00:29:20,118 --> 00:29:22,074
Come on, Michael!
599
00:29:22,518 --> 00:29:24,907
More than anything in the world,
I hope he is.
600
00:29:25,358 --> 00:29:26,711
Aw!
601
00:29:52,798 --> 00:29:54,277
What's happening now?
602
00:29:54,398 --> 00:29:56,514
-She's just about to reveal the father.
-Shh!
603
00:29:57,318 --> 00:30:00,947
The father of baby Jackson is...
604
00:30:12,678 --> 00:30:13,952
...Michael!
605
00:30:14,238 --> 00:30:15,671
Yeah!
606
00:30:15,918 --> 00:30:17,351
Of course it's Michael.
607
00:30:17,838 --> 00:30:18,827
Yeah!
608
00:30:19,078 --> 00:30:20,477
-Come on!
-Nice one, Mike.
609
00:30:25,838 --> 00:30:27,271
To Michael cockin' Jackson.
610
00:30:28,118 --> 00:30:29,312
Yeah!
611
00:30:32,438 --> 00:30:33,427
Beyonce.
612
00:30:34,438 --> 00:30:35,871
What you did was outrageous.
613
00:30:36,158 --> 00:30:39,036
If there was the slightest doubt
you should have told me from the start.
614
00:30:39,118 --> 00:30:40,756
I always wanted him to be yours,
though, Mike.
615
00:30:40,838 --> 00:30:44,877
-Why, cos I'll give you more hand-outs?
-No, cos you'll be a better dad.
616
00:30:45,158 --> 00:30:46,147
You're nice.
617
00:30:48,638 --> 00:30:51,198
Right, well, we need to make
a proper arrangement,
618
00:30:51,398 --> 00:30:53,514
a proper routine, so that me
and Stella can have him, OK?
619
00:30:53,718 --> 00:30:55,754
Fine by me. Oh...
620
00:30:55,838 --> 00:30:57,510
-There's something else we've got to do.
-Go on.
621
00:30:57,718 --> 00:30:59,674
-We've got to go register the birth.
-Yeah, of course.
622
00:30:59,878 --> 00:31:01,994
I've chosen a middle name,
it's Jermaine.
623
00:31:03,398 --> 00:31:04,831
Jackson Jermaine Jackson.
624
00:31:05,398 --> 00:31:06,387
Not really.
625
00:31:06,878 --> 00:31:10,553
I'm kidding. No, I thought it should
be Michael after his dad, like...
626
00:31:10,758 --> 00:31:13,192
-Jackson Michael Jackson.
-Mmm-hmm.
627
00:31:13,518 --> 00:31:15,270
That boy is going to get
so ribbed at school.
628
00:31:16,998 --> 00:31:18,989
-Cheers, jack-off.
-Cheers.
629
00:31:22,718 --> 00:31:24,151
Got there in the end, didn't we?
630
00:31:24,638 --> 00:31:25,627
Hmm.
631
00:31:27,838 --> 00:31:28,907
Michael.
632
00:31:30,318 --> 00:31:31,353
That was Luke?
633
00:31:31,838 --> 00:31:34,306
Rob's come round, everything is fine.
634
00:31:34,398 --> 00:31:36,309
Oh, thank God.
635
00:31:36,398 --> 00:31:37,387
Thank God.
636
00:31:49,078 --> 00:31:50,909
The train on platform four
637
00:31:51,038 --> 00:31:53,313
is the 1 1.;37 to Middlesbrough.
638
00:31:54,038 --> 00:31:56,393
This train will depart in seven minutes.
639
00:31:58,598 --> 00:32:00,111
-Benny! Benny!
640
00:32:00,238 --> 00:32:03,230
The train on platform four
is the 1 1.;37 to Middlesbrough.
641
00:32:04,038 --> 00:32:06,836
I told you to keep an eye on it,
you doughnut!
642
00:32:10,158 --> 00:32:12,149
Don't panic, don't panic.
643
00:32:12,678 --> 00:32:13,793
Ivan!
644
00:32:19,198 --> 00:32:21,075
Conchita.
645
00:32:45,078 --> 00:32:47,672
Christ! This smoke is suffocating me.
646
00:32:47,838 --> 00:32:48,953
Disgusting!
647
00:32:49,038 --> 00:32:51,074
I cannot believe mine eyes.
648
00:32:51,918 --> 00:32:55,308
Ivan, I'm not coming with you.
649
00:32:56,118 --> 00:32:58,234
I've just come to say goodbye.
650
00:33:00,238 --> 00:33:02,354
No matter how much Karl annoys me,
651
00:33:02,598 --> 00:33:06,227
or makes stupid jokes,
or stands on my feet when we dance...
652
00:33:08,238 --> 00:33:09,512
...he loves me.
653
00:33:11,438 --> 00:33:13,030
And we've got Genevieve
654
00:33:13,918 --> 00:33:16,113
I just couldn't do it to him.
655
00:33:20,518 --> 00:33:23,635
They gave me a refund on the ticket
by the way.
656
00:33:24,358 --> 00:33:25,677
Thank you.
657
00:33:29,878 --> 00:33:31,914
Tell me one thing, Nadine.
658
00:33:33,438 --> 00:33:34,951
Did you ever love me?
659
00:33:36,358 --> 00:33:37,711
Did I ever.
660
00:33:38,238 --> 00:33:39,557
I still do
661
00:33:39,758 --> 00:33:40,907
and I always will.
662
00:33:48,318 --> 00:33:50,752
Out of the way, love.
Got a big fire hose coming through.
663
00:34:18,118 --> 00:34:20,632
-Hello.
-Oh, look out, more visitors.
664
00:34:20,878 --> 00:34:22,072
You got here quickly.
665
00:34:22,158 --> 00:34:24,752
Yeah, Michael's just parking the car.
666
00:34:25,718 --> 00:34:26,912
How's he doing?
667
00:34:26,998 --> 00:34:29,273
Please don't talk about me
like I'm not in the room.
668
00:34:29,478 --> 00:34:30,831
Oh, he's doing all right then.
669
00:34:30,918 --> 00:34:34,274
OK, I think we could all do
with stretching our legs.
670
00:34:34,998 --> 00:34:36,989
Stella will look after you
for five minutes.
671
00:34:37,078 --> 00:34:39,069
We've drunk that much coffee,
I tell you.
672
00:34:48,558 --> 00:34:49,877
I bet I look bloody awful.
673
00:34:51,358 --> 00:34:53,474
I've seen you looking slightly
more handsome.
674
00:34:54,998 --> 00:34:56,397
But only slightly.
675
00:35:00,478 --> 00:35:02,628
-Rob.
-You and Michael are getting married.
676
00:35:03,798 --> 00:35:05,356
What is it with you?
677
00:35:05,478 --> 00:35:07,196
How did you know?
678
00:35:07,278 --> 00:35:09,508
You're wearing an engagement ring
for starters.
679
00:35:11,718 --> 00:35:13,197
Anyway, I approve.
680
00:35:13,638 --> 00:35:15,356
I think he's a thoroughly decent chap.
681
00:35:15,998 --> 00:35:18,387
And he won't stand
for any of your nonsense.
682
00:35:18,638 --> 00:35:20,117
Oh, you.
683
00:35:23,438 --> 00:35:25,554
I've just got to do his checks.
Do you mind waiting outside?
684
00:35:25,718 --> 00:35:27,071
-Won't be long.
-Of course.
685
00:35:38,598 --> 00:35:40,031
It's all good, sweetheart.
686
00:35:41,038 --> 00:35:42,027
All good.
687
00:35:49,998 --> 00:35:51,192
Hey, Suzanne, you watch,
688
00:35:51,318 --> 00:35:53,752
you'll be talking with a Welsh accent
by the time you leave for Canada.
689
00:35:53,838 --> 00:35:57,626
Oh, it's a lovely cottage, mind, maybe
you should live there permanently, like.
690
00:35:57,838 --> 00:35:59,430
You're just after extra babysitters,
aren't you?
691
00:35:59,598 --> 00:36:01,077
-Michael.
-Oh, don't listen to him.
692
00:36:01,278 --> 00:36:03,473
Promise me you'll bring them
to Canada soon.
693
00:36:03,598 --> 00:36:05,634
There's so much for kids
to do out there.
694
00:36:05,718 --> 00:36:08,107
Mmm. When you say kids I hope
you're including Luke in that
695
00:36:08,198 --> 00:36:09,711
cos he's the biggest kid of them all.
696
00:36:09,798 --> 00:36:11,436
-What's going on?
-You wanna see him playing with jack.
697
00:36:11,518 --> 00:36:13,315
-He's so competitive.
- I know.
698
00:38:35,238 --> 00:38:37,547
Hey, bud,
maybe she's changed her mind.
699
00:38:37,638 --> 00:38:38,627
Shut up, Karl.
700
00:38:39,078 --> 00:38:40,397
Well, no, he might have a point.
701
00:38:40,478 --> 00:38:42,548
I mean, she's always been a bit flighty,
that one.
702
00:38:43,318 --> 00:38:44,307
Sorry.
703
00:38:47,478 --> 00:38:49,946
Got a bit held up.
704
00:38:50,238 --> 00:38:51,273
Oh.
705
00:38:51,358 --> 00:38:52,507
Jesus, you look...
706
00:38:52,918 --> 00:38:53,907
What?
707
00:38:54,998 --> 00:38:56,067
...beautiful.
708
00:38:58,638 --> 00:38:59,627
So do you.
709
00:39:01,118 --> 00:39:02,107
Ready, then?
710
00:39:04,198 --> 00:39:05,187
Stell?
711
00:39:06,838 --> 00:39:07,827
Yeah.
712
00:39:18,958 --> 00:39:21,392
I, Michael Matthew Jackson,
713
00:39:21,878 --> 00:39:24,756
know of no lawful cause or impediment
714
00:39:25,358 --> 00:39:28,236
why I should not be joined
in matrimony with you,
715
00:39:28,478 --> 00:39:30,275
Stella Lucy Morris.
716
00:39:34,598 --> 00:39:37,908
I, Stella Lucy Morris...
717
00:39:40,398 --> 00:39:41,592
...know of no...
718
00:39:41,758 --> 00:39:43,271
Hang on a minute.
719
00:39:43,358 --> 00:39:45,349
-Thing is, there is something.
-Stella.
720
00:39:45,438 --> 00:39:48,032
I mean, it's not a lawful impediment
or nothing.
721
00:39:48,118 --> 00:39:51,667
I just don't think I can marry you
if I don't tell you what it is.
722
00:39:53,878 --> 00:39:55,027
It would be, um...
723
00:39:55,998 --> 00:39:58,831
...I don't know, dishonest somehow.
724
00:39:58,918 --> 00:40:01,876
Stella, for God's sake just, er,
just say it.
725
00:40:08,798 --> 00:40:09,992
I'm pregnant.
726
00:40:12,838 --> 00:40:14,317
Fucking hell.
727
00:40:14,478 --> 00:40:15,467
What?
728
00:40:15,798 --> 00:40:17,834
I only just found out myself
this morning
729
00:40:17,918 --> 00:40:19,954
and I'm in just as much shock
as you are.
730
00:40:20,038 --> 00:40:22,427
I thought you were on the change.
731
00:40:23,798 --> 00:40:25,516
Look, the thing is...
732
00:40:26,358 --> 00:40:30,670
...I know I'm a bit old to have a baby
and I will understand if you want to
733
00:40:30,798 --> 00:40:33,392
have a think about it
and delay the wedding.
734
00:40:34,038 --> 00:40:37,428
-It's just I really want to have it.
-Stella.
735
00:40:38,478 --> 00:40:41,834
That's the best news I could ever
possibly be given.
736
00:40:43,598 --> 00:40:46,874
Now will you please shut up
and marry me.
737
00:40:55,758 --> 00:40:58,556
I, Stella Lucy Morris...
738
00:41:03,918 --> 00:41:06,068
That's good that is. Proper stuff.
739
00:41:06,638 --> 00:41:08,754
Here we are, have a bit.
740
00:41:08,878 --> 00:41:11,631
Can you believe it?
I go all these years as an only child
741
00:41:11,718 --> 00:41:14,027
and then I get two siblings
in the space of a year.
742
00:41:14,278 --> 00:41:15,711
Oh, my God! I just realised.
743
00:41:15,838 --> 00:41:18,796
Your baby is gonna be
Sophie's aunty or uncle
744
00:41:19,158 --> 00:41:20,910
and they'll be younger than Sophie.
745
00:41:21,278 --> 00:41:22,996
-Oh, it's mad!
-Yeah, it is a bit.
746
00:41:23,078 --> 00:41:26,115
You'll have your hands full
is all I'll say but, oh, well.
747
00:41:26,438 --> 00:41:28,349
Aunty Brenda, do you think
just for once in your life
748
00:41:28,478 --> 00:41:29,547
you could see the positive
side of things?
749
00:41:29,958 --> 00:41:33,030
Well, now where would the fun be
in that, Michael Jackson?
750
00:41:34,438 --> 00:41:36,110
I'm gonna see where Nads have got to.
751
00:41:36,278 --> 00:41:37,791
-She's been gone ages.
-All right.
752
00:41:37,918 --> 00:41:39,067
See you in a bit.
753
00:41:39,238 --> 00:41:41,149
Oh, I'm so jealous.
Bali, for God's sake.
754
00:41:41,238 --> 00:41:42,307
I know.
755
00:41:42,478 --> 00:41:43,991
Well, make sure you come back.
756
00:41:44,158 --> 00:41:45,830
We're all bloody useless without you.
757
00:41:46,038 --> 00:41:47,266
Oh, Lukey.
758
00:41:47,358 --> 00:41:49,747
Don't worry, Stell, I'll look after him.
759
00:41:49,998 --> 00:41:51,067
Me, too.
760
00:41:51,278 --> 00:41:52,916
Oh, come on, group hug.
761
00:41:53,158 --> 00:41:55,626
Oh, my babies.
762
00:41:56,318 --> 00:41:57,307
Stell.
763
00:41:58,078 --> 00:41:59,067
We really ought to get going.
764
00:41:59,358 --> 00:42:00,791
Yes, husband dear.
765
00:42:02,878 --> 00:42:04,231
I'll just fetch my things.
766
00:42:04,598 --> 00:42:05,587
Don't lift any heavy bags.
767
00:42:05,918 --> 00:42:08,512
Oh, look at him,
only been married five minutes,
768
00:42:08,598 --> 00:42:09,792
he's already bossing me around.
769
00:42:14,078 --> 00:42:15,067
Nads!
770
00:42:15,398 --> 00:42:16,547
What are you doing, babes?
771
00:42:17,478 --> 00:42:19,309
Stella and Michael are off in a bit.
772
00:42:22,158 --> 00:42:23,147
Nads!
773
00:42:56,678 --> 00:42:58,316
Better leave that behind now.
774
00:42:59,638 --> 00:43:00,627
Don't you think?
775
00:43:04,798 --> 00:43:05,787
Never.
776
00:43:34,478 --> 00:43:37,470
-Where's your dad and Nadine?
-Huh. Don't know.
777
00:43:37,878 --> 00:43:39,470
Ooh! Nearly forgot.
778
00:43:40,238 --> 00:43:41,227
Ready?
779
00:43:43,838 --> 00:43:45,476
Ooh!
780
00:43:50,078 --> 00:43:51,067
Whoa!
781
00:43:51,278 --> 00:43:52,711
Here you are!
782
00:43:53,918 --> 00:43:55,556
You'll keep an eye on my cauliflowers
for me, won't you?
783
00:43:55,638 --> 00:43:56,627
I might.
784
00:43:58,078 --> 00:43:59,067
All right.
785
00:43:59,198 --> 00:44:01,712
Shall we go on honeymoon, Mrs Jackson?
786
00:44:02,238 --> 00:44:03,273
Yes, please.
787
00:44:14,398 --> 00:44:16,434
Bye!
788
00:44:16,758 --> 00:44:18,953
Hey, they're off!