Do you want to marry me or what?
Like you wouldn't believe.
Remember when we'd been going out for six months?
You made me that little silver heart.
I'm to move to the historic town of Middlesbrough.
-If I'm not his father, who is? -Keckers.
(VOCALISING)
And then she smiles
And my heart starts beating
I go weak inside
Na na na na na na
Na na na
Oak, how do you actually spell your name?
-Is it O-R-K? -No.
It's O-A-K.
Oak, isn't it, like the tree?
-Douchebag. -Hey, brother.
Who cares about spelling, it's just another form of social imprisonment.
(DOG YELPS)
Coming through.
Pontyberry's newest and finest
director de funerals. Sorry, babe.
-(SIGHS) Love and light. -Anyone fancy some porridge?
Oh, no way, it's like eating papier mâché.
You don't look the type to eat porridge, Stell.
I always think of you as a bit of a sausage muncher.
Yeah, well...
-I'm trying to lose a stone, aren't I? -What for?
Nothing.
I noticed you put on a bit since I've been away.
-Oh. -None of us needs a body, you know.
It's the milk inside the coconut that counts.
Not the hairy, hoary shell.
What are you saying, Oak, that I'm a hairy, hoary shell?
-In a way, yeah. -Nice.
Well, good God. I have seen it all now!
That Michael Jackson moving boxes and all sorts into his garden shed.
-Don't tell me he finally left you. -STELLA: Oh, shut up.
He's turning it into an office, that's all.
Till he finds somewhere more permanent.
Ooh, how the mighty have fallen, eh?
One minute a high-flying city lawyer on the banks of the South Bank,
next thing setting up office on a Pontyberry allotment!
(LAUGHS) Here you are.
Right, you lot, clear up after you. I'm taking Michael his porridge.
She's nothing but a slave to that man.
No pride.
Skivvying around him like what's-her-name from Downton.
But I'll say it again.
Here you are.
(BOTH SIGH)
Sex after breakfast.
-This is so... -Decadent?
I was going to say naughty but decadent sounds so much better.
(SIGHS)
(LAUGHS)
-Do you know what? -Mmm.
I've been in this bed a few times.
You most certainly have.
And I always wonder why you've only got one bedside table.
Oh.
Well, I...
I haven't had need of two before.
-After the divorce I'm... -JASMINDER: Dad.
Guess who's home from Ibiza?
Jasminder.
Yanto said you'd gone back to bed, are you well or...
What the fuck!
Jasminder, I'm sorry but this...
This is exactly what it looks like.
I can't believe you haven't told her.
MICHAEL: Not even Katie? STELLA: No.
MICHAEL: Or Ben or Luke or Emma? STELLA: No.
Surely we can tell Banjo.
-Go on, then. -Banjo.
Stella and I are getting married.
You're not to breathe a word, OK?
(WHINES)
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Ooh, I've ordered my dress.
It's a size too small but I thought that would give me a goal.
You know, like, two months to lose a stone.
I'm going up to Dr Cronje's now in a bit to get some of them slimming tablets.
So why do women always buy dresses a size smaller than they actually are?
Why not just buy the right size?
You know nothing about female psychology, do you?
You can say that again.
What if Beyonce isn't lying?
(SIGHS) What if Jackson really isn't my boy?
(SIGHS) I miss him so much, Stell,
but I don't even know if he's mine to miss.
Look, for what it's worth I was there when that baby was born.
-And he was the splitting image of you. -Spitting image...
It's spitting image, not ''splitting.''
-Is it? -Yeah.
Anyway, when babies are newborn, they look like their dads, apparently.
Harks back to when we were apes or lions or something.
Lions? Are you sure?
And that baby was definitely yours.
Now, I might be wrong about it.
Of course I might, but I don't think I am.
Is it definitely ''spitting image,'' not ''splitting''?
-Yeah. -Hmm.
I thought we could pop down the market today, Nads.
Angry Paul said he's got some cracking new stuff on the stall.
Like these wind-up squirrels, ever so lifelike.
He got, um...
...grey and a red.
And custom pink and a...
IVAN'S VOICE: Nadine, I know you are angry,
but please meet me at the bench at 2.;00.
I must with you speak.
We've got to get one for Genevieve, like.
Yeah, whatevs.
I do love Angry Paul.
Cracking sense of humour.
You seem to have brought half of Ibiza back with you.
-Where's Danny? -Stayed out there.
He's got a job in a bar.
-Oh, so you have... -And, no, we haven't split up.
I'm going back next week.
I just popped home for a few days to surprise you and what do I find?
-You're sleeping with the pub cleaner. -She's not the pub cleaner.
-Yes, she is. -She is my love.
-Oh, please. -Who happens to be the pub cleaner.
It's all so seedy, Dad. The whole thing.
-I mean, what's she really after, hmm? -(CLICKING)
I thought you might want this for your laundry.
It's an ironing board.
(SIGHS)
BEYONCE: Stella.
STELLA: What are you doing here?
Baby's not ill, is he?
No, it's just a checkup.
Hello, sweetheart.
See, I do care about my baby.
I know it's a shock.
Why are you here? You sick?
No. just fat.
-(SCOFFS) -STELLA: So long.
Hey.
Listen, presh, about Michael...
Ugh!
Carole.
I will not leave this doorstep until you believe me when I say
I do not care one tooth what anybody says or thinks.
Especially Jasminder, who may be my daughter, but she's very misguided.
Cos I think you are a wonderful person.
Well, thank you very much.
Sorry, Jaime. Is your mother there?
Who wants to know?
(SPEAKING ARABIC)
Yeah, I'm just setting up my new office.
Can I call you back later when I've a chance to look through the contract?
(SPEAKS ARABIC)
Yeah, and then we can arrange to meet next week.
(SPEAKS ARABIC)
Ah, he's got green fingers and he speaks Arabic.
His talents are never ending.
I'm not very good at crosswords.
-(CHUCKLES) -Uh, that was my new boss
and this is my new and temporary office.
Hmm.
-What time do you leave for London? -About 5:00.
Michael, can we talk?
Look. Put him out of his misery.
If Michael isn't Jackson's dad, then it's gonna kill him.
But he needs to know so he can get on with his life.
-And what if he is? -If he is,
then I promise I will persuade him not to go for custody.
What do you say?
I say stop sticking your bloody oar in.
NURSE: Beyonce Evans, Dr Cronje, please.
(SIGHS)
-Please, Beyonce. -Come on, babes.
No-one likes sorting out their will.
Up until recently I thought I was immortal.
My lawyer in Canada has a copy.
I thought it'd be a good idea for you to have one as well.
You don't mind, do you?
No. Of course not.
Does Stella know you're doing this?
No.
And I'd rather you didn't mention it.
Don't want her getting upset, and the less she knows the better.
You know what she's like, she'll worry.
You still love her, don't you, Rob?
-She's the mother of my son. -That's not what I asked you.
She's very difficult not to love.
Suzanne and I are having a pub lunch.
-Fancy joining us? -Yeah. Why not?
A sort of farewell meal
before I'm stuck on hospital food for a fortnight, God help me.
Hmm.
I'm glad she met you, Michael.
So am I.
(DOOR SHUTS)
Two glasses of white wine, please.
Coming right up.
So where to is Abra?
Oak have taken him water divining.
Oh, there's a lot of it about.
Water, I mean.
Listen, I've only got an hour
cos I've got to get back and pack for London.
You know, me and Luke are going up with Rob.
Yeah.
I've been focusing on his recovery,
in my meditation's, like...
Have you? Right.
God, I can't believe I've been back a week and I'm only now seeing you.
Have I got something in my tooth?
I'm connecting with your aura.
Oh.
-STELLA: Hiya! -Oh, there's your mam. Hiya.
Oh, she wasn't connecting with your aura was she, presh?
-Er, yeah. -Emma, behave. And say hello to Suzanne.
Namaste.
We're having lunch if you want to join us.
Er, no time for eating. We've got drinking to do!
(GIRLS SCREAMING)
Me and Oak speak Punjabi when we're making love.
Oh, it's such a beautiful language.
You must be pretty fluent then, are you?
(SPEAKING PUNJABI)
You have a small dog?
Child. I mean child.
So you got job now then, Zoe?
Yeah, and it's been proper life-changing, you know.
I mean some independence, not just looking after the kids all day.
You'll never catch me being tied down by kids or a job.
-Life's for living. -I wouldn't say I'm tied down.
Oak says that to pray is to work
and that bringing up a child is the most noble thing a person can do.
-Sounds amazing. -Did he?
-Is Oak his real name? -It's his spirit name.
Stella said he was born in Warrington
so, what did his mum and dad call him?
Donald.
(SIGHS)
Oh, my God,
so I told my dad what I thought of his girlfriend this morning.
She only went and bloody overheard.
Oh, you mean Carole. She's good as gold, she is.
-But he can do so much better. -Jas, don't be so mean.
She's beautiful, I think. And really kind.
-You don't even know her, do you? -(SPEAKING PUNJABI)
Emma, seriously, you're getting on my tits now.
-It is a bit annoying. -I can't understand what you're saying.
It don't sound nothing like Punjabi.
Well maybe you don't understand cos you've forgotten how to speak it.
-Emma! -Christ! Listen to you!
You spend a year over there and you think you're Delhi born and bred.
I'm just saying, you've been westernised.
-And that's really sad. -Emma...
I was born in Leeds. You were born in Ponty-bloody-berry.
Girls, we're meant to be having fun. This is meant to be a laugh.
Come on, we haven't seen each other for yonks!
I wish I'd stayed in Ibiza now.
You're only interested in talking about work and kids.
-And you think you're bloody Indian. -Oh, I'm going home.
I'm at peace with myself, Jas.
It's freaking me out.
Oh, go back to your weirdo of a boyfriend.
Ah!
Oh, I love meringue and all.
-We'll order one, then. Excuse me. -No, I can't.
I'll just have a bit of yours. Don't count then, do it?
She used to say that about cigarettes.
(LAUGHS)
BEYONCE: Aw!
Not exactly pining after your son, Mike.
Beyonce.
-How's it hanging, Rob? -Yeah, fine.
I heard you was up London, having an op?
Sorry, I don't think we have been introduced.
This is the mother of Michael's baby.
Oh, well, we're not 1 00%%%, like...
In fact that's what I come to say.
I've had a think about what Stella said this morning and if...
-What do you mean what Stella said? -And if you promise, on his life,
-you won't go for custody. -What is she talking about?
-Can we not do this now? -She said if I did the test,
she'd make sure you didn't go for custody, didn't you, Stell?
-Why'd you say that? -It wasn't like that.
-Oh, boncy. -Oh, lord.
Oh, do one, Keckers. I'm talking!
You haven't been answering my calls
and I want to know if that's my kid.
-This is so humiliating. -Shall I order some coffees?
If he's mine then fine,
if he's not, I'm not having you screwing me out of every penny I got
just to pay for some posh bloke's sprog.
-Or a cheese board? -BEYONCE: Truth is
I don't whose it is. I done it that time with you
and you the week after at my house.
-What about Kelly Jenison's 21st? -Oh, yeah.
Do they do a cheese board?
And down the alley back of Drink And Save.
All right, Beyonce, this is ridiculous.
You've got to sort this out once and for all.
Yes, um, I'll arrange to get the test done privately.
No need, Mikey boy.
We're going on Selena Child.
-Er, no, we're not. -What?
Yes, we are. I spoke to them this morning.
What is Selena Child?
She's a Welsh Jeremy Kyle.
We are not going on Selena Child, OK?
-What is Jeremy Kyle? -English jerry Springer.
They want us on tomorrow afternoon.
-Will they pay travel? -They're putting on a bus.
All right. I'm down with that.
-(LAUGHS) -Are you serious?
Selena Child is a monster. She destroys people.
You're a solicitor, no different to being in court.
BEYONCE: Yeah, why not?
Three of my mates have done their paternity on there.
It saved a fortune by all accounts.
Well, you're on your own because I'm not going anywhere near it.
Well, suit yourself.
I'll let you know the outcome.
Keckers, talk money with me.
What about a brandy? Anyone?
(SHEEP BLEATING)
Karl thinks I'm jogging, so get on with it.
-(SIGHS) -How are you? Are you well?
Listen, Ivan,
I've been pushed and pulled from pillar to post.
One minute I'm kissed, the next I'm rejected
and quite frankly I can't take no more.
So what do you want?
To explain all of these actions.
(PANTING)
Well, go on then.
I was once a married man.
My wife, she was a dancer.
Rita René, legs like a willow and the queen of plié.
Very nice, I'm sure.
We were happy for a while.
And then Rita Rene she fell in love with a ballerina
from Hull, called Malcolm.
Ballerina?
-Did he wear a tutu and that? -He was in the corps de ballet.
He wore not a tutu.
just a cynical smile upon his cheek
-and a guilty pleasure in his eye. -Go on.
Rita, she left me for Malcolm and my heart it broke.
And I vowed I would never to another man do what he to me had done.
And then I met you.
A married women.
A happily married women.
Or at least I was up until a few weeks ago.
Ms Bevan...
...you have shaken to its core my world.
Tell me about it.
My whole life have gone to cock since I met you.
If I do not ask you this,
I will live with regret until my dying breath.
I have here a ticket.
A one-way ticket...
...to Middlesbrough.
I want you to come away with me.
You and Genevieve.
There is no ticket for her
as children may travel for free until the age of five.
Hang on a minute.
Me and Gen just can't up sticks and head north.
What do you think we are, a travelling circus?
Please, say no more.
Merely think upon it and let me know.
OK, hotel details on my phone.
Overnight bag, packed separately.
Purse, laptop,
DVDs cos I'm gonna be so bored.
Yeah, and I've put that horror film that I was telling about.
-(CHUCKLES) -Nice.
Can I leave you the keys to the cottage, Stella?
Then you can maybe put the heating on
-for when we get back. -Which will be sooner than you think.
(EEHALES DEEPLY)
-God. -STELLA: Oh, come here.
-You'll start me off. -Sorry.
Bloody women, honestly, they cry at the drop of a hat.
-(CHUCKLES) -Oi, just cos you're ill
don't mean you can be sexist.
You spoil all the fun, you do.
(CHUCKLES)
Right. Go, you.
(SIGHS)
-Good luck, Rob. -Thank you.
Right. Come on. I want to get me behind that wheel.
(CHUCKLES)
-You all right? -Yeah.
Stella, there's something I want to do.
Oh, now don't be worrying about that stupid TV show
cos it'll be over and forgotten with
-before you know it. -No, it's not that.
It's silly, really,
it's something I've been carrying around with me for days.
-A guilty secret? -No.
This.
Oh, you gorgeous, beautiful man.
I know we wanted it to be a secret,
but I want people to know how lucky I am.
EMMA: You'll be Stella Jackson.
I know. Sounds good, doesn't it?
Better than Morris, I've got to say.
Which was better than Kosh.
Aw, Mam that's wicked. I'm well chuffed.
Can me and Little Al do your wedding video?
Well, the thing is, presh, um,
we want to keep it really low key, you know, just the two of us
and two witnesses.
What, you're not inviting us, your own children?
-Mam, that's rank! - Titali.
Negativity.
I'm sorry, but it is.
I wanted Abra to be a page boy.
Never mind Abra, I want to be page boy.
-Do you? Why? -Not page boy, best man.
-You said page boy. -Didn't.
-Yeah, you did. -Didn't.
I just spoke to Katie.
She's very happy for us but not best pleased that we're not inviting her.
-See? -See?
-Right. Well, just the kids then, yeah? -Yeah.
What in the name of Scritti Politti is going on?
I just heard you two are getting married.
-BOTH: Who told you? -And you haven't invited me!
The mayor of Pontyberry and your own flesh and blood!
-Have it really come to this? -KARL: Hey!
Congratulations.
We heard you got engaged!
-Oh. -Yeah. Nice, well done.
Let's see the ring.
Yeah. Nice. Well done.
-So when's the big day? -Yeah, when is the big day?
(ALL CLAMOURING)
If it's not on a Saturday, I'll have to book time off.
(SIGHS)
Don't have a go, all right?
Head can't take it.
I heard you went clubbing.
This place was doing my head in.
Mates have all changed.
Don't know why I bothered coming back.
Well, your dad's really pleased you did.
Him? (SCOFFS)
What does he care?
He's all loved up with his new girlfriend.
Oh, no offence.
(SIGHS)
I really like him, you know, Jas.
I'm not some wicked witch coming to steal him away.
I know.
Look,
I'm sorry for what I said yesterday.
I shout my mouth off sometimes and I don't think.
And I've got to say I haven't seen my dad this happy in ages.
So you must be doing something right.
Them robes leave nothing to the imagination, do they?
(CHUCKLES)
Very well ventilated, that's for sure.
Where's Suzanne?
Her and Zoe just chatting to the nurse.
So...
You all right?
As I'll ever be.
Hey, I bet you're gutted you're missing the Selena Child Show.
(SCOFFS) Yeah. I'll never forgive you.
(LAUGHS)
Look, er, if I don't, you know...
Let's not have this conversation.
No, everything's just taken care of, that's all.
I don't say this nearly often enough...
...but I love you, Luke.
And I'm really proud that you're my son.
just hurry up and get well, will you?
You stubborn old bastard.
OK, the porters are here now, Mr Morgan. Shall we get on with it?
I've got nothing better to do.
(SIGHS)
I just heard from Luke,
Rob's gone down to theatre.
-Bless him. -Hmm.
You all right?
Not really.
Me and Oak,
our energies have collided.
You mean you've fallen out?
Yeah.
Where to is he now, then?
Gone off in a huff up Warrington.
(SIGHS)
I don't know, Mum. I can't keep it up no longer.
Being all deep and mystical
I try my best but I just get confused.
I say okra instead of chakra, and korma instead of karma.
And I got no idea what ''consciousness expansion'' do mean.
It was easier in India. It's like a different world out there.
But being back in Pontyberry made me go all Welsh again.
Oh, Em, you're so lovely.
And if you don't like the real you, then there's not much point, is there?
(SIGHS) I know.
To be honest
if he wasn't so good at oral sex, I would've ditched him long ago.
Emma!
(LAUGHS)
You'll defo not go on this Selena Child thing?
No.
Though I'm starting to think we should have gone.
Cos that poor baby is gonna grow up
knowing his mother was called a slapper on some trashy TV show.
It's not too late, you know. Where to is Michael?
(INDISTINCT TALKING)
ANNOUNCER: (OVER PA) Can I remind everybody
smoking is not permitted in the studio.
Hi, guys.
OK. Can I just check? Are you all here for,
My Sister's Really my Uncle or Who's the Daddy? It ain't me.
ALL: Who's the Daddy? It ain't me.
-ANNOUNCER: OK, this way, please. -Can I stick my cans in the fridge?
Strictly no alcohol in the studio.
What? I paid a quid for them, man!
Hey. Shall we go near the cameras?
I'm not bothered, really.
Uh, uh, uh. Sorry, we're in there.
-What's up, chick? -Nothing.
-It's Ivan, isn't it? -(SIGHS)
Bobs, he's asked me to go away with him...
-(GASPS) -...to Middlesbrough...
-(GASPS) -...on a train.
-(GASPS) -All right, stop gasping.
Sorry.
(SIGHS) He leaves tomorrow on the 11:37.
-Such a mess. -Oh.
Excuse me,
I need to urgently speak with one of your contributors, Beyonce Evans.
-Sorry, who are you? -Michael Jackson.
-Oh. Yeah, right. -He's the father of Beyonce's child.
At least we think he is.
Look, she can't go on the show. It's not fair on the baby.
(MOBILE RINGING)
It's Luke.
(SIGHS)
STELLA: Luke.
-Do you want to come with me a minute? -STELLA: Any news?
So what I'd like to see is no fighting,
no swearing, no punching, no spitting, no...
Doesn't bastard leave us much.
(ALL LAUGHING)
-Well, can they tell you anything? -LUKE: No.
Only that he'll be in there at least another two hours.
Oh, God.
I'm sorry I'm not there with you, presh.
Hey, it's better this way.
Anyway, Michael needs you.
Hmm.
Are you all right, Lukey?
Yeah, you know me, Mam, nerves of steel.
Go play havoc with that Selena Child.
(CHUCKLES) I love you.
Yeah, I love you, too.
But there is no bloody story.
But there is doubt of the baby's paternity, isn't there?
-Well, yes. -So let's resolve it.
Oh, my God. I've just seen Andy the weatherman in the bogs.
Oh, I like him.
And you'll never guess who else I saw.
Michael Jackson.
Don't be daft, man. He's dead.
No! Our Michael.
He's rowing with a producer.
Cockin' cock!
Hold on to your hats, Marj, you're in for a bumpy ride.
Uh, excuse me.
-You can't go through there. -What?
No, I'm looking for my fiancé.
Stell?
Over by here.
Hey, move up.
Shift it!
-Oh, my God, where to is Michael? -I wish I knew.
ANNOUNCER: Going in three, two, one.
-(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) -She's fit, she fearless, she's feisty.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Selena Child.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
On today's show
the sexually irrepressible and irresponsible woman
who can't make up her mind.
We ask, who's the daddy?
I'm Selena Child.
EMMA: Oh, my God.
There's Bobby in the audience and Nadine.
(LAUGHS) This is hilarious.
Where have you been? It's just getting good.
I have been shopping to buy this.
-A bedside table? -Yes.
I was wondering if...
Carole, would you do me the honour of...
Of moving in with me?
And Jaime, of course.
Well, you bought me a bedside table, how could I possibly refuse?
You've been with half the (BLEEP) town. Even Duggy Bucket and Spade!
(BLEEP) ...off, I went nowhere near Duggy Bucket and Spade.
Well, even I heard that one, to be fair.
Yeah, me.
Come off it, who haven't been with Duggy Bucket and (BLEEP) Spade?
All right, calm it down.
I even heard you (BLEEP) have, Nadine.
-(AUDIENCE GASPS) -OK, calm it!
Don't be (BLEEP) disgusting.
-Whoa! -AUDIENCE: Whoa!
The issue here is not how many men she slept with,
but which one got her pregnant?
You,
woman with the hair, eating a pastie,
what have you got to say about all this?
Me?
I'm mayor of Pontyberry, I'm impartial!
So is Glen.
Yes.
Let's turn now to the third player in the story.
He didn't want to come on here today. Is it because he's too ashamed?
Let's find out.
Michael, come on out!
-(MUSIC PLAYING) -AUDIENCE: Oh!
BOBBY: Look, he's on the bloody stage.
I just think this is bloody ludicrous.
Ooh, we got a posh boy here, have we?
I bet you're hoping to hell that kid isn't yours.
-Actually... -Yes, he is!
Come on, Michael!
More than anything in the world, I hope he is.
AUDIENCE: Aw!
(SIGHS)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)
What's happening now?
-She's just about to reveal the father. -Shh!
The father of baby Jackson is...
...Michael!
Yeah!
Of course it's Michael.
Yeah!
-Come on! -Nice one, Mike.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
To Michael cockin' Jackson.
ALL: Yeah!
Beyonce.
What you did was outrageous.
If there was the slightest doubt you should have told me from the start.
I always wanted him to be yours, though, Mike.
-Why, cos I'll give you more hand-outs? -No, cos you'll be a better dad.
You're nice.
Right, well, we need to make a proper arrangement,
a proper routine, so that me and Stella can have him, OK?
Fine by me. Oh...
-There's something else we've got to do. -Go on.
-We've got to go register the birth. -Yeah, of course.
I've chosen a middle name, it's Jermaine.
Jackson Jermaine Jackson.
(LAUGHS) Not really.
I'm kidding. No, I thought it should be Michael after his dad, like...
-Jackson Michael Jackson. -Mmm-hmm.
That boy is going to get so ribbed at school.
-Cheers, jack-off. -Cheers.
Got there in the end, didn't we?
Hmm.
Michael.
That was Luke?
Rob's come round, everything is fine.
Oh, thank God.
Thank God.
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
(CHIMING OVER PA)
WOMAN: (OVER PA) The train on platform four
is the 1 1.;37 to Middlesbrough.
This train will depart in seven minutes.
-(SMOKE ALARM BEEPING) -MAN: Benny! Benny!
The train on platform four is the 1 1.;37 to Middlesbrough.
I told you to keep an eye on it, you doughnut!
Don't panic, don't panic.
NADINE: Ivan!
Conchita.
(TRAIN WHISTLE)
(COUGHS)
Christ! This smoke is suffocating me.
Disgusting!
I cannot believe mine eyes.
Ivan, I'm not coming with you.
I've just come to say goodbye.
No matter how much Karl annoys me,
or makes stupid jokes, or stands on my feet when we dance...
...he loves me.
And we've got Genevieve
I just couldn't do it to him.
They gave me a refund on the ticket by the way.
Thank you.
Tell me one thing, Nadine.
Did you ever love me?
Did I ever.
I still do
and I always will.
Out of the way, love. Got a big fire hose coming through.
(TRAIN WHISTLE)
(COUGHS)
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
-Hello. -Oh, look out, more visitors.
You got here quickly.
Yeah, Michael's just parking the car.
How's he doing?
Please don't talk about me like I'm not in the room.
Oh, he's doing all right then.
OK, I think we could all do with stretching our legs.
Stella will look after you for five minutes.
We've drunk that much coffee, I tell you.
(BOTH SIGH)
(SIGHS)
I bet I look bloody awful.
I've seen you looking slightly more handsome.
But only slightly.
-Rob. -You and Michael are getting married.
What is it with you?
How did you know?
You're wearing an engagement ring for starters.
(SIGHS)
Anyway, I approve.
I think he's a thoroughly decent chap.
And he won't stand for any of your nonsense.
Oh, you.
I've just got to do his checks. Do you mind waiting outside?
-Won't be long. -Of course.
It's all good, sweetheart.
All good.
Hey, Suzanne, you watch,
you'll be talking with a Welsh accent by the time you leave for Canada.
Oh, it's a lovely cottage, mind, maybe you should live there permanently, like.
You're just after extra babysitters, aren't you?
-Michael. -Oh, don't listen to him.
Promise me you'll bring them to Canada soon.
There's so much for kids to do out there.
Mmm. When you say kids I hope you're including Luke in that
cos he's the biggest kid of them all.
-What's going on? -You wanna see him playing with jack.
-He's so competitive. -STELLA: I know.
(MONITOR BEEPING)
(INAUDIBLE)
KARL: Hey, bud, maybe she's changed her mind.
Shut up, Karl.
Well, no, he might have a point.
I mean, she's always been a bit flighty, that one.
STELLA: Sorry.
(ALL CHEERING)
(SIGHS) Got a bit held up.
Oh.
Jesus, you look...
What?
...beautiful.
So do you.
(SIGHS)
Ready, then?
Stell?
Yeah.
(CHEERING)
I, Michael Matthew Jackson,
know of no lawful cause or impediment
why I should not be joined in matrimony with you,
Stella Lucy Morris.
I, Stella Lucy Morris...
...know of no...
Hang on a minute.
-Thing is, there is something. -Stella.
I mean, it's not a lawful impediment or nothing.
I just don't think I can marry you if I don't tell you what it is.
It would be, um...
...I don't know, dishonest somehow.
Stella, for God's sake just, er, just say it.
I'm pregnant.
(GASPS)
Fucking hell.
What?
I only just found out myself this morning
and I'm in just as much shock as you are.
I thought you were on the change.
Look, the thing is...
...I know I'm a bit old to have a baby and I will understand if you want to
have a think about it and delay the wedding.
-It's just I really want to have it. -Stella.
That's the best news I could ever possibly be given.
Now will you please shut up and marry me.
(CHUCKLES)
I, Stella Lucy Morris...
(ALL CHEERING)
KARL: That's good that is. Proper stuff.
Here we are, have a bit.
Can you believe it? I go all these years as an only child
and then I get two siblings in the space of a year.
Oh, my God! I just realised.
Your baby is gonna be Sophie's aunty or uncle
and they'll be younger than Sophie.
-Oh, it's mad! -Yeah, it is a bit.
You'll have your hands full is all I'll say but, oh, well.
Aunty Brenda, do you think just for once in your life
you could see the positive side of things?
Well, now where would the fun be in that, Michael Jackson?
I'm gonna see where Nads have got to.
-She's been gone ages. -All right.
KARL: See you in a bit.
Oh, I'm so jealous. Bali, for God's sake.
I know.
Well, make sure you come back.
We're all bloody useless without you.
Oh, Lukey.
Don't worry, Stell, I'll look after him.
(SCOFFS) Me, too.
Oh, come on, group hug.
Oh, my babies.
MICHAEL: Stell.
We really ought to get going.
Yes, husband dear.
(ALL LAUGHING)
I'll just fetch my things.
Don't lift any heavy bags.
Oh, look at him, only been married five minutes,
he's already bossing me around.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Nads!
What are you doing, babes?
Stella and Michael are off in a bit.
Nads!
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
ROB: Better leave that behind now.
Don't you think?
Never.
(ALL CHEERING)
-Where's your dad and Nadine? -Huh. Don't know.
Ooh! Nearly forgot.
Ready?
ALL: Ooh!
(ALL SHOUTING)
Whoa!
ALL: Here you are!
You'll keep an eye on my cauliflowers for me, won't you?
I might.
All right.
Shall we go on honeymoon, Mrs Jackson?
Yes, please.
(ENGINE STARTS)
ALL: Bye!
Hey, they're off!