How was the journey, Dad? Marvellous.
We took the coastal road, then came in on the bypass to avoid the traffic.
Did it in record time. Phwoar! Three days, door to door!
Oh, I'm so excited to finally see where you live.
Well, it's certainly got character. I did ask Grumio to tidy up.
I didn't want to spoil the character. I'll do it. I brought my pinny.
And give me any dirty undies to wash. Oh, Mum, please.
How much do you pay for this place? Not much. 250 a month.
250? You could rent a whole village for that.
Now, then! Pressie time. Ooh!
I've got tunics for everyone and I've got a cardy for Stylax.
Hat for Grumio. Are all the presents knitted?
There's damp here, look. You should speak to your landlord. Yeah.
And a briefcase for you, Marcus. Yow! This is wicked, Sylvia. Thank you.
Ah! There. That's cosy, isn't it?
Ooh! Right, I'll get started on the kitchen.
Oh, no, you don't do... Are these clean or...?
(SNIFFS)
No.
# When in Rome Do as the Romans do
# Far from home
♪ All I got is you... ♪
This is some sort of big Roman palaver.
Oh, how exciting. Tell me everything you know.
That's about it, actually.
It's the parade of the Vestal virgins.
Not too late for you to join, eh, Marcus?
Hilarious, Dad. Oh, stop it.
I bet the girls are queuing up for him, right, Marcus?
Well, yeah, not exactly.
So have you got a girlfriend, then?
Er, well...
He's got one. Lepidus, look - he's got one.
So who is she? When can we meet her?
No, I don't... I don't have a girlfriend. Sorry.
Oh. You will one day, soldier.
Another honey sandwich, Grumio? Yeah. Keep them coming, Sylv.
Eh, why didn't you tell her about your girlfriend? Why do you think?
I can't expose Delphine to that shit storm. What? Your parents are wicked.
No. Mum would smother her with wool and Delphine's so bloody fiery
there'd be some terrible knitwear inferno.
Oh! Here come the virgins.
Salve, ladies.
What are you doing? My sexy face.
Not sure your sexy face will work on this lot.
My sexy face works on every lot.
Hello! Hi.
As if. It was probably just a twitch.
Uh-uh. It was a cheeky little wink from a smoking hot Vestal.
She's not going to wink at shrub-haired wally boy in his granddad's cardy.
I know when I've been winked at, mate.
Now I just need to work out how to get my winky into that winker.
You keep your winky away from her. She's a Vestal Virgin.
Maybe I'm up for a bit of vestiality.
Oh, well, that's disgusting and illegal. Vestiality - with a V.
Yes, that's illegal too. There are half a million women in this city
and only six of them with whom sexual relations are specifically forbidden.
Please just forget it.
Nobody winks at Stylax Urastaques and gets away with it.
Nobody.
20 sesterces for an apple? An apple?
This city's out of control. I don't know how you manage.
Something usually turns up if you know where to look.
Grumio, I found a lump of cheese under your bed.
There you go. It was wrapped in a soggy towel.
Eh, eh, eh. What are you doing?
I'm throwing it out. It's covered in mould. Look.
I'll have it. It's just a bit blue. At least cut the blue bit off, then.
Oh, dear. Oh.
(RETCHES)
Oh! Hang about.
Mmm.
Marcus! Delphine! Hey.
Wow! You finally got a nice tunic. It looks good on you.
Oh. Yeah, it's... Erm... An original piece by a rural artisan friend.
Mm. What are you doing here? I came into town for a haircut.
I thought we could have dinner. Oh, yeah. It looks great.
I've not had it yet, dickhead. I meant afterwards.
Sure, yes, sorry.
Erm, I would love to but I'm really not feeling well.
Really? You look fine.
I know. You'd have to feel my other end. It's chock full of germs.
OK. I'm not doing that.
But I can tuck you in later on if you want. No, best not.
The germs in question are all over the flat and very contagious.
I'll come to yours as soon as they're gone,
probably around eight o'clock tomorrow night?
That's very precise. Well, I know my body.
The blessings of Vesta.
The blessings of... Oh, hi.
Erm, I'm usually served by the young sultry one,
with the cheekbones and the...
Ursula is busy now. Oh, that's fine. I can wait.
And it doesn't matter who serves you. You get the same fire.
Yeah, I know, I... I just prefer her fire.
It feels a bit hotter.
Well... Thank you.
Ahem.
Hi. Ursula, is it? I'm Stylax.
You might remember me from this morning in the crowd. You winked.
I think. Or blinked.
Or... It was a twitch, wasn't it?
Oh, I'm sorry. I just...
Come back this evening. I'll be guarding the flame.
Alone.
Mind your fingers, by the way.
Oh!
(FRENCH ACCENT) You bought this here? Yeah. And now it's all mouldy.
I don't do refunds. I'm sorry. No, I'm not complaining.
The mould tastes bloody lovely. Try it.
It's surprisingly delicious, I assure you.
Oh, sh... Stay with it.
Stay with it.
Ah? Ah?
Right, you see? Ah! I love it.
How did you make this? Trade secret, I'm afraid.
If you supply the cheese, he can make plenty more -
split the profits - what do you say? OK.
And how do we call it? I'm calling it blue.
Nah. I think we should call it bleu.
Personally, I prefer blue. I much prefer bleu.
Mm. Blue.
Ah. Bleu.
Bleurgh it is, then.
(CHUCKLES)
Have a nice evening, guys.
Are you not coming for dinner? I'd love to but I've made plans.
I'm going to the temple. Temple? Really?
I didn't know you'd found religion, Stylax. Neither did I.
Well, that parade got me all fired up. I think I'm going to check it out.
Well, I'm very impressed.
Oh, don't forget your cardy. Oh, yeah. Wouldn't want to catch a cold.
Mm.
Oh. And to think that's the boy who used to stick raisins up his willy.
So, Ursula, what's it like, being a Vestal Virgin?
Total sack of shit, mate. Every day the same.
You get up, you watch the flame, you tend the flame,
you take the flame for a walk.
Yeah, but you're really famous. I mean, that must be wicked.
Is it fuck? No? People think being in the V's is all glamour, right?
But it's like a prison. I've never left Rome. I've never climbed a tree,
never been out for a greasy kebab.
No - you would regret a greasy kebab.
I would love to regret a greasy kebab.
So why did you join, then? Same as everyone.
I was eight years old. I liked the hats.
They are nice hats.
So, you want to shag me in the cloister or what?
Er, I'm happy to do it in the vagina, like normal.
That room there. Oh, right!
Yes, please.
Well, erm, I don't think we need a starter.
Shall we go straight to the mains?
Let them have a starter if they want one. We do, yeah.
Can we have a table for two, please?
Actually, I can't eat anything here. Maybe let's go somewhere else.
What? Yeah. Somewhere a bit cheaper. Eh, Dad? Oh, yes, all right.
No, there's plenty you can eat. You like chicken, you like lamb,
fish if I take out the bones. You might like lobster.
He might not. He might prefer the soup or the omelette or...
Marcus what are you doing down there?
All right, Delphine? No! Grumio!
Hi, Grumio. Is that Marcus under there by any chance?
(SIMPERS) Er, found it.
Found that pea I was looking for.
Oh! Hi, Delphine.
Fancy seeing you here.
Feeling better, then? Er, yes, thanks.
Er, turns out I don't know my body after all. Hmm.
So do you two know each other, then?
Yes. Erm... Delphine's my
girlfriend. What? You didn't have one this morning.
Busy afternoon. Er, no. We've actually been together for a while.
So why didn't you say anything? And is this man involved?
No. I... I don't know who that is.
Oscar. Hi. Hi.
Oscar is my hairdresser.
Seeing as you were ill, I was at a loose end.
Right. Your hair looks great, by the way. Oh! Thanks.
Well, why don't you join us? We'll push the two tables together.
Thank you but I think Marcus prefers to keep things separate.
# I'm in the mood for love
Are you sure you're a virgin? Cos you seem to know what you're doing. Sh!
What was that? Oh, nothing. The flame just went out.
What?
The sacred flame went out. Mm. Is that going to be a problem?
The flame's gone out! The sacred flame's gone out!
(BELL RINGS) The flame's gone out!
The sacred flame's gone out!
Er... What do we do now?
The window. Quickly.
Oh, shit - my cardy. Leave it! It was a present.
Leave the fucking cardy! OK.
This way, centurion.
Have you just got back? Oh, hey.
Er, what are you doing in here? I gave my parents my bed.
So how was temple? Yeah, good.
Yeah. How was dinner? Hideous.
Delphine was eating in the same bloody restaurant. Phoof!
My bedroom's just over there. Er, where's the toilet? Here.
Shit! So Delphine must have been pretty angry, right?
Is...? Who was that? That's Ursula, yeah. The Vestal Virgin?
Well, she's technically just a Vestal now.
Ah! And why is she in our flat?
Well, there was a kerfuffle with some wine and the flame going out,
which apparently is a no-no.
You put out the sacred flame and brought a Vestal to our flat?
And lost the cardigan your mum gave me. Bit of a triple whammy.
Well, go back and get it, then, before they trace it to us.
What's all the shouting about? Stylax humped a Vestal Virgin.
She's technically just a Vestal now.
Oh. Boom. Yeah.
No - not boom. Not boom at all.
Your toilet's full of cheese. Yeah, I know. Just work around it.
Why is the toilet full of cheese? I'm harvesting blue.
What? Sorry. I should say, I'm harvesting bleu.
That's no clearer, Grumio. I'm making mouldy cheese to sell down the market.
Oh, good! So you're hiding a runaway nun
and you're cultivating putrid cheese while my parents are here.
Yeah. Anything else you want to throw in?
Smear the wall with faeces? Fill the kitchen with snakes?
Toast's done. I cut it into corners, just how you like it.
Old school. I'm sure I've seen you somewhere before, Ursula.
Do you work in arable farming, by any chance?
Er, no, I'm in between jobs at the moment.
And where did you two meet? Actually, we met at the temple.
Oh, lovely! Have you been together long? No, not long.
And you still introduce us and we're not even your parents.
Marcus doesn't even... I said I was sorry. It was so embarrassing.
Honestly, that poor girl. I know, Mum. I'm going to apologise.
Good. Do you want me to come? No! Of course not.
I'm a grown-up man. I can deal with it. Yes!
Oh, you've got jam face.
I'm sorry. It's not you, it's my parents, honestly.
Boff. No, not boff. I was just worried you wouldn't get on.
Why wouldn't we get on? Because they're annoying
and you can be, well, quite... Quite what?
Quite fucking what? Well, yeah, like this. Aggro.
I thought you were apologising. No, I am. I'm sorry.
Look - I got you this. It's a hand-made handbag from my artisan friend.
Thank you. It's really nice.
Hmm.
Oh, you wrote me a note. Oh! Erm...
"For my little soldier."
Yeah. That's my nickname for you. No, it isn't.
Just trying it out.
"Love from Mum."
Your nickname for me? You're a cheap bastard, Marcus.
Oh, no. I'm sorry. Look...
I come from a long line of cheap bastards.
You all right, Landlady? What's going on here?
I'm just enjoying the show.
Some Vestal slag was having a shag and let the flame go out. Whorr!
Yeah, I love all this celebrity sex stuff, me.
Do they who it was yet? No, not yet, no.
They're just getting the bricks ready to wall 'em in with. What?
Wall them in? What does that mean? Well, it's what it sounds like, numb-nuts.
The pair of them, the perverts, gets bricked up inside a wall until they die
of hunger or thirst or both.
Fucking brilliant.
I've found his cardigan! Ooh!
She's found his cardy.
Here - wall 'em in. Wall 'em in!
Wall 'em in.
Wall 'em in! Wall 'em in!
Bingo.
What's the matter, my little soldier?
You look ever so glum. Oh, it's nothing.
It's just that bloody bleu - it's making me wince.
Mm. It's more than just the bleu, though, isn't it?
There's something else. Er...
I think I've really pissed off Delphine. Now, swearing.
You can win her round if you like her.
Do you like her? Well... I think...
I think I might love her.
But I've really fucked up. Well, then - swearing again -
what are we going to do about it?
I don't know.
What do you mean, "we"?
Mum, please. This is not a good idea.
Oh, because you're doing such a marvellous job on your own? Fair point.
Is this where she lives? This isn't a normal house.
Yeah, it's a sort of squat.
Delphine, hello! What a lovely squat.
It's got such character. Hello, Mrs Gallow.
Call me Sylvia, please. What do you want, Marcus?
Now, it's not for me to meddle but I want you to know
that however badly he's behaved, he's a good boy at heart and he means well.
Mum. Well, you are. I want her to know that.
And do you know this good boy tried to give me the bag you made him?
What, the briefcase? Yeah, well, it's more of a ladies' handbag, Mum.
If you didn't like it, you should have said. Yeah, I'm sorry.
It took me days to knit that. It's a very complicated pattern.
That aside, I still think you should give him another chance, Delphine.
To be honest, the only reason he's being such an idiot
is because he thinks he might love you. Oh, Mum!
What are you doing? Well, you do. You said you did.
Well... Did you?
Er... Go on - say it to her face. Yeah, well, not now.
Not with my mother here telling me to.
Oh, he's gone all shy. Look!
You should probably take him home. Yeah.
Very nice to meet you all.
Briefly.
Come on.
And...
I don't know how to tell you this but if they catch us, they're going to...
wall us in. Yeah, I know.
You know? Why didn't you tell me?
It didn't really come up, did it?
You shouldn't sleep with a girl
unless you're ready to deal with the consequences.
Oh, these are some spicy consequences.
Only because you put the flame out. It's never happened before.
What do you mean, before? Ah! So you weren't a virgin.
Did I seem like a virgin? No. Not really.
Your title was a bit misleading. Yeah, well.
What shall we do? Well, we need to come up with a plan.
Shall we have sex again?
Er, not the sort of plan I was thinking but, yeah, why not?
The damage has been done. Yeah. You can't get walled in twice, eh?
Good boy. This way.
So, how's it going with the bleu? Oh, magnifique.
It is maybe the best cheese I've ever tasted.
Well, I do my best. But no-one will buy it.
What? Why not? They say, "What is this bleu?
I don't want to buy this stinky cheese that's covered in mould."
What about when they taste it? They won't. They are too scared.
So we're not going to make a packet? Eh, Grumio,
you cannot win the beauty contest if no-one will look at your face.
I'm not sure I'd win it, anyway.
Now take it away, please. The smell has been making me dizzy.
Salve, Marcus. All right, Landlord.
Oh, you're the landlord? Lovely. Sylvia Gallow, Marcus's mum.
We're just visiting for the weekend. Oh, are you, now?
Staying here, are you? Yes. Actually, my husband wanted to talk to you about rent.
Well, exactly, cos guests is extra.
I think he was after a discount. I'll put it on the tab.
(IMITATES HUNTING HORN) Right! Let the hunt commence.
What? What hunt? There's a reward for this missing Vestal and her fella.
I've rounded up a bit of a posse. A Vestal's gone missing?
Oh! But we saw them only yesterday.
Popped her cherry then popped off, apparently.
Still, couldn't have gone far. They're very eye-catching.
Oh, well, good luck, then. What do they look like?
Well, she's a bit of a stunner and he's an old gipper,
judging by his dodgy cardigan that he left behind.
Ooh. Erm... Yes, between extra rent and this reward,
I think it's going to be a bumper weekend for me.
Come on, lads. (CHEERING)
I'm disappointed in you, Stylax. A Vestal Virgin? I thought you'd grown up?
And a bloody manhunt, Sylvia. Don't forget the manhunt.
This is very naughty, Stylax, even for you.
This is the naughtiest thing I've done, to be fair.
Why couldn't you just forget it? This is a total disaster.
Well, mostly for me. I could get walled in.
If they find her, we'll all get walled in.
Surely me and your mother won't get walled in? What have we done?
Let's just hide out here for a few weeks until it blows over.
Yes, like it. Let's chill out and work our way through the bleu.
I think I'd rather get walled in.
We need to get her out of here. I can't go out there!
There's men with sniffer dogs looking for me.
Oh, bloody Nora. Right, everybody, think.
Lepidus, are you thinking? I'm trying, dear. I'm trying.
(KNOCKING)
Fine. I forgive you. Oh, great. Thank you. Do come in.
But only because I like your mother. Oh, well, I like you, too, Delphine.
Ooh-lah-lah! What is that smell?
It's bleu. You get used to it after a couple of days.
Ah. These are for you, Sylvia, to say thank you for the bag.
How lovely!
Not that you'd be able to smell anything with that cheese around.
Oh! Amazing! I love you.
Oh! I've had an idea.
Mum, Dad, I need to ask a bit of a favour.
Yes, anything, we'll do it. How much will it cost?
Er, sorry about this.
Ach, it's better than being walled in.
Yeah, I guess you're sort of cheesed in.
So what are you going to do? Dunno. Maybe do a bit of travelling.
Finally eat that greasy kebab. Oh!
Shall I come with you? No, it's all right, babe.
Once I'm out of the city, you're in the clear.
Oh, no, I meant more for sexy reasons. Oh.
For a virgin, it was one hell of a ride.
Yeah, I can't breathe. It's too cheesy.
Well, it was so good to meet you, Delphine - eventually.
And do let me know your address, sizes and favourite colour of wool.
Hold it there, please. Just going to check your cargo.
Oh, yes, OK. Good boy. Up you get.
Phwarr. Bloody hell. Ugh!
All right, that's clear. On you go. Thank you very much.
And we're in the clear.
Salve, boys. All right, Landlord.
We got them - look. Come on, then, you perverts.
All right? Let's get 'em walled in.
(CHEERING)
# Uh-huh
# Do it again
# Ah
# Hear me calling
# I came, I saw, I conquered I came, I saw, I conquered
# I came, I saw, I conquered Then I conquered you
# You gotta believe me
# I came, I saw, I conquered I came, I saw, I conquered
♪ I came, I saw, I conquered Then I conquered you. ♪