1
00:00:02,076 --> 00:00:03,399
[Archer]
Because she's two, Lana!
2
00:00:03,519 --> 00:00:04,852
What possible difference
could it make,
3
00:00:05,054 --> 00:00:07,071
what pre-pre-school
she goes to?
4
00:00:07,273 --> 00:00:09,890
Because if A.J. gets
into pre-pre at Country Day,
5
00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:11,309
she's set through eighth grade.
6
00:00:11,511 --> 00:00:12,711
Then she's basically
guaranteed a slot
7
00:00:12,913 --> 00:00:14,145
at any prep school in L.A.!
8
00:00:14,348 --> 00:00:15,614
Yeah, but why prep school?
9
00:00:15,816 --> 00:00:17,182
Are we not even
considering public school?
10
00:00:17,384 --> 00:00:18,384
Seriously?
11
00:00:18,518 --> 00:00:20,185
Why not?
And in summertime,
12
00:00:20,387 --> 00:00:21,853
instead of a lemonade stand,
13
00:00:22,055 --> 00:00:24,322
she could have a teeny little
stripper pole, and--
14
00:00:24,524 --> 00:00:25,191
Malory!
Mother!
15
00:00:25,312 --> 00:00:26,778
Public school.
16
00:00:26,980 --> 00:00:29,213
Might as well leave her by a
dumpster at the county fair
17
00:00:29,416 --> 00:00:30,848
and hope she's taken in by carnies.
18
00:00:31,051 --> 00:00:32,750
Wow.
Yeah, Mother, good call,
19
00:00:32,953 --> 00:00:34,193
I didn't know we were drinking.
20
00:00:34,321 --> 00:00:35,853
We're not.
Because Country Day
21
00:00:36,056 --> 00:00:39,090
gets a thousand applicants
for ten spaces in pre-pre.
22
00:00:39,292 --> 00:00:41,359
Please stop saying "pre-pre."
Shut up.
23
00:00:41,561 --> 00:00:43,361
And A.J. is going to get
one of those spaces,
24
00:00:43,563 --> 00:00:45,797
and you're not gonna screw
this up for her, Archer!
25
00:00:45,999 --> 00:00:48,232
[man]
Archer? Swirling Archer?
26
00:00:48,435 --> 00:00:49,435
[gasp]
27
00:00:52,005 --> 00:00:53,005
Sterling!
Archer?
28
00:00:53,106 --> 00:00:53,905
[whisper] Ivy.
29
00:00:54,107 --> 00:00:55,673
Dude, it's me! Ivy!
30
00:00:55,875 --> 00:00:56,875
From St. Josh!
31
00:00:56,943 --> 00:00:58,109
Yeah, I, uh --
[laughing]
32
00:00:58,311 --> 00:01:00,144
Long time, no see!
33
00:01:00,347 --> 00:01:02,347
What're you doing here?
Checking out the toilets?
34
00:01:02,549 --> 00:01:05,616
No, I'm-- I mean I'm,
I'm, I'm-- [laughing]
35
00:01:05,819 --> 00:01:08,786
[imitating] Wow, still
got that stammer, huh?
36
00:01:08,989 --> 00:01:11,255
I--
Hello, Richard Stratton the fourth,
37
00:01:11,458 --> 00:01:12,858
though my good friends call me Ivy.
38
00:01:12,959 --> 00:01:14,225
Malory Archer.
39
00:01:14,427 --> 00:01:16,461
Hmm. Sterling never mentioned
a sister.
40
00:01:16,663 --> 00:01:19,597
Oh, you.
I'm actually his mother,
41
00:01:19,799 --> 00:01:20,799
if you can believe it.
42
00:01:20,934 --> 00:01:22,400
I absolutely cannot.
43
00:01:22,602 --> 00:01:25,970
Really? Hi, Lana Kane.
Hello.
44
00:01:26,172 --> 00:01:28,740
So, Mr. Stratton,
are you a teacher here, or...
45
00:01:28,942 --> 00:01:30,341
[chuckling]
Oh, God, no.
46
00:01:30,543 --> 00:01:32,076
No, I'm on the board.
47
00:01:32,278 --> 00:01:34,612
And, Archer, you're in L.A.?
What's your line?
48
00:01:34,814 --> 00:01:37,248
I-- um-- I'm a--
a private investigator?
49
00:01:37,450 --> 00:01:40,852
[laughs]
No, seriously.
50
00:01:41,054 --> 00:01:42,520
No, seriously.
51
00:01:42,722 --> 00:01:43,722
Wow.
52
00:01:43,790 --> 00:01:44,790
[baby cooing]
Oh.
53
00:01:44,824 --> 00:01:47,625
And who might this person be?
54
00:01:47,827 --> 00:01:49,627
This is our daughter, A.J.
55
00:01:49,747 --> 00:01:51,227
We're here for a placement interview.
56
00:01:51,294 --> 00:01:52,829
Our? Um...
57
00:01:52,949 --> 00:01:55,882
Ours. As in mine and Archer's.
58
00:02:02,308 --> 00:02:04,275
Yeah I'm not the maid or the nanny.
59
00:02:04,477 --> 00:02:07,145
Good for you.
Good for you.
60
00:02:07,347 --> 00:02:09,080
Gosh, the times we live in, huh?
61
00:02:09,282 --> 00:02:11,649
So hey, private investigator.
62
00:02:11,851 --> 00:02:13,518
I might actually be able to use you.
63
00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:14,720
Oh, well...
Really?
64
00:02:14,888 --> 00:02:16,687
Unfortunately, I don't think
65
00:02:16,890 --> 00:02:19,323
we're taking on new clients
right now, so-- [chuckles]
66
00:02:19,526 --> 00:02:21,025
May I speak with you
a moment, please?
67
00:02:21,227 --> 00:02:23,661
What is this "no new
clients" bullshit?
68
00:02:23,863 --> 00:02:26,764
He's on the board, Archer.
One word from him, and A.J. is in.
69
00:02:26,966 --> 00:02:28,599
Yeah, but--
Yeah, but shut up!
70
00:02:28,802 --> 00:02:30,935
This is your daughter's future,
you dickhead!
71
00:02:31,137 --> 00:02:33,571
So you are gonna take his case,
and you are gonna solve it,
72
00:02:33,773 --> 00:02:35,173
and A.J.
is going to school here
73
00:02:35,375 --> 00:02:37,175
and then grow up
to be a titan of industry
74
00:02:37,377 --> 00:02:40,144
or an astronaut or some other shit!
75
00:02:40,346 --> 00:02:41,379
[baby cooing]
76
00:02:41,581 --> 00:02:42,880
[sighs]
Well?
77
00:02:43,083 --> 00:02:46,684
[yelps] Yeah, okay,
sure, glad to help.
78
00:02:46,886 --> 00:02:48,486
Outstanding.
[chuckles]
79
00:02:48,688 --> 00:02:50,755
My office, two o'clock.
Yep.
80
00:02:50,957 --> 00:02:53,758
Now, that wasn't so hard, was it?
81
00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:57,995
She said, phrasing?
Boom. Huh?
82
00:02:58,198 --> 00:02:59,730
Hey, what's happening?
Are you okay?
83
00:02:59,933 --> 00:03:00,933
No!
84
00:03:02,769 --> 00:03:05,653
♪♪
85
00:03:27,654 --> 00:03:38,070
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
86
00:03:38,972 --> 00:03:42,306
[woman] Mr. Archer? Mr.
Stratton will see you now.
87
00:03:42,509 --> 00:03:45,143
Mr. Archer? Mr. Archer.
88
00:03:46,880 --> 00:03:49,147
Boop. Sorry, had to take that.
89
00:03:49,349 --> 00:03:51,315
Mr. Stratton,
I have Mr. Archer.
90
00:03:51,518 --> 00:03:52,518
[Ivy]
Thank you, Cerise.
91
00:03:52,685 --> 00:03:54,552
Holy shit...
I know, right?
92
00:03:54,754 --> 00:03:56,721
Consider it crushed.
[chuckles]
93
00:03:56,923 --> 00:04:00,158
Please, have a seat.
Oh, okay, thanks, uh...
94
00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:01,893
Have a seat.
Yep.
95
00:04:02,095 --> 00:04:04,529
Ah, Swirling Archer. Remember?
96
00:04:04,731 --> 00:04:06,836
How we always used
to call you Swirling?
97
00:04:06,956 --> 00:04:08,860
Yep.
Because of all the swirlies.
98
00:04:08,980 --> 00:04:11,205
Yep.
We were just merciless.
99
00:04:12,064 --> 00:04:14,354
But I was a pussycat compared to Whitney.
Yup.
100
00:04:14,474 --> 00:04:16,207
Yep.
You remember Trent Whitney, right?
101
00:04:16,409 --> 00:04:18,976
Yep, he was, uh, actually worse.
102
00:04:19,179 --> 00:04:21,145
He's the Whitney
in Stratton-Whitney.
103
00:04:21,347 --> 00:04:22,146
Oh.
104
00:04:22,348 --> 00:04:23,481
Hedge fund.
Mm.
105
00:04:23,683 --> 00:04:24,963
You played lacs with him, right?
106
00:04:25,018 --> 00:04:26,217
You were center middies.
Yep.
107
00:04:26,419 --> 00:04:27,985
I was biathlon, obviously.
108
00:04:28,188 --> 00:04:29,748
Probably could've made
the Olympic team,
109
00:04:29,822 --> 00:04:31,656
but whatever, lame.
[chuckles]
110
00:04:31,858 --> 00:04:33,591
And didn't you letter all four years?
111
00:04:33,793 --> 00:04:36,427
No. Just three.
Are you sure?
112
00:04:36,629 --> 00:04:38,930
I am, yeah. Freshman year
I didn't make varsity
113
00:04:39,132 --> 00:04:41,372
because that winter I was
in the hospital for five weeks.
114
00:04:41,501 --> 00:04:43,167
With what, AIDS?
[chuckles]
115
00:04:43,369 --> 00:04:44,369
Pneumonia.
From what?
116
00:04:44,537 --> 00:04:45,636
Complications from AIDS?
[laughing]
117
00:04:45,838 --> 00:04:48,506
No, I actually--
I actually got it
118
00:04:48,708 --> 00:04:51,175
from one of those hilarious swirlies.
Hm?
119
00:04:51,377 --> 00:04:53,711
Yeah, my freshman year,
you two were seniors.
120
00:04:53,913 --> 00:04:55,379
Right before winter break.
121
00:04:55,582 --> 00:04:57,515
[Archer]
Anyway, you each had
122
00:04:57,734 --> 00:04:59,850
maybe twenty pounds on me,
and you cornered me
123
00:05:00,069 --> 00:05:02,920
in the field house,
and you just laid into me,
124
00:05:03,122 --> 00:05:06,123
[boys grunting]
[Young Archer] No! No! No! No!
125
00:05:06,326 --> 00:05:08,292
And then you got me upside
down, over the toilet,
126
00:05:08,494 --> 00:05:10,661
and I started screaming,
because I look down
127
00:05:10,863 --> 00:05:13,598
and the toilet's full of piss.
Whitney had pissed in it.
128
00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:15,566
So I'm screaming,
and you're both laughing,
129
00:05:15,768 --> 00:05:17,435
and it's all echoing off the tiles,
130
00:05:17,637 --> 00:05:19,003
and then Whitney looks down at me
131
00:05:19,205 --> 00:05:21,138
with these crazy eyes,
and he screams at me--
132
00:05:21,341 --> 00:05:23,207
You think I won't [bleep] kill you?
133
00:05:23,409 --> 00:05:27,478
And then he punches me, hard,
and I'm choking on the blood
134
00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:32,099
from my nose, and then you dunk
me, and hold me under for...
135
00:05:32,302 --> 00:05:36,454
I honestly don't even know. I lost
consciousness. [toilet flushing]
136
00:05:36,656 --> 00:05:39,657
[sigh] But long story short, I
didn't make varsity that spring
137
00:05:39,859 --> 00:05:41,792
because I was getting over pneumonia,
138
00:05:41,995 --> 00:05:44,462
which I got because,
during that swirlie,
139
00:05:44,664 --> 00:05:47,064
turns out I aspirated water
in my lungs.
140
00:05:48,668 --> 00:05:50,468
Well, and presumably urine.
141
00:05:50,670 --> 00:05:52,136
[inhales]
Look--
142
00:05:52,338 --> 00:05:54,939
Archer, I want you to kill me.
I'm sorry?
143
00:05:55,141 --> 00:05:56,741
Well, you should be!
Why the hell
144
00:05:56,943 --> 00:05:58,423
would you say that to the headmaster?
145
00:05:58,544 --> 00:06:00,111
I thought he was hinting at it!
146
00:06:00,313 --> 00:06:02,947
Why would you think that?
147
00:06:03,149 --> 00:06:05,650
When someone uses
the term "exclusive"
148
00:06:05,852 --> 00:06:07,485
to describe something,
what are they--
149
00:06:07,687 --> 00:06:08,486
No blacks or Jews.
150
00:06:08,688 --> 00:06:09,820
Wh--
Exactly, so--
151
00:06:10,023 --> 00:06:12,790
Malory, he was Jewish!
152
00:06:12,992 --> 00:06:14,558
That's why I was so confused.
153
00:06:14,761 --> 00:06:16,394
I'm not sure I'm following you.
154
00:06:16,596 --> 00:06:19,063
I'm dying.
Liver cancer, stage four.
155
00:06:19,265 --> 00:06:20,698
I've got maybe three months left,
156
00:06:20,900 --> 00:06:22,580
every minute of which,
the doctors tell me,
157
00:06:22,735 --> 00:06:24,005
I'll spend writhing in agony.
158
00:06:24,125 --> 00:06:25,607
Jesus, Ivy.
Yeah.
159
00:06:25,727 --> 00:06:28,141
Yeah, and honestly
I am too scared to face that.
160
00:06:28,261 --> 00:06:29,626
At first I thought--
161
00:06:29,746 --> 00:06:31,491
but...
162
00:06:31,611 --> 00:06:33,177
What about good old pills and vodka?
163
00:06:33,379 --> 00:06:35,279
Life insurance won't pay out
on a suicide,
164
00:06:35,481 --> 00:06:37,921
and I'm not going to cheat my
wife out of ten million dollars.
165
00:06:38,084 --> 00:06:40,618
No, I guess they--
but I can't, um--
166
00:06:40,820 --> 00:06:43,354
You can, though.
Please, I'm begging you,
167
00:06:43,556 --> 00:06:44,756
don't make me go through that.
168
00:06:44,924 --> 00:06:46,290
Can't you go
to Switzerland, or--
169
00:06:46,492 --> 00:06:47,758
No, no, but you can.
170
00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:49,260
You can open a Swiss account
171
00:06:49,462 --> 00:06:50,982
with the $100,000
I'm going to pay you.
172
00:06:51,064 --> 00:06:53,264
I-- Ivy, I'm not
a hit man, I'm a--
173
00:06:53,466 --> 00:06:55,032
A father, a father who'd like
174
00:06:55,234 --> 00:06:57,435
a space at Country Day for his...
175
00:06:57,637 --> 00:06:59,770
I guess, what, mulatto bastard?
176
00:06:59,972 --> 00:07:02,773
[clears throat] I think technically
she's an octoroon bastard,
177
00:07:02,975 --> 00:07:05,743
but our whole parenting
philosophy is sort of, uh,
178
00:07:05,945 --> 00:07:07,411
post-label?
[chuckling]
179
00:07:07,613 --> 00:07:10,114
Yeah, good luck with that.
Yeah, so how do you wanna die?
180
00:07:10,316 --> 00:07:12,183
[clears throat] Home invasion.
You break into my house,
181
00:07:12,385 --> 00:07:13,851
I startle you, you shoot me.
182
00:07:14,053 --> 00:07:15,786
I assume you have access
to a firearm?
183
00:07:15,988 --> 00:07:18,723
I do, yeah-- But you can't
shoot me in the face.
184
00:07:18,925 --> 00:07:20,424
Or the belly.
Or in the legs.
185
00:07:20,626 --> 00:07:22,193
Why would I shoot you in the legs?
186
00:07:22,395 --> 00:07:23,861
Well I just don't want to suffer.
187
00:07:24,063 --> 00:07:25,263
That's kind of the whole point.
188
00:07:25,298 --> 00:07:27,064
We could do two
in the back of the head:
189
00:07:27,266 --> 00:07:28,506
That's painless, instantaneous.
190
00:07:28,568 --> 00:07:30,601
Have you...
killed people before?
191
00:07:30,803 --> 00:07:33,070
Uh, yeah.
Literally scores of them.
192
00:07:33,272 --> 00:07:36,407
I actually used to be the
world's greatest secret agent?
193
00:07:36,609 --> 00:07:39,443
Oh, before becoming an
unlicensed private investigator.
194
00:07:39,645 --> 00:07:41,645
After a brief stint as a drug dealer.
195
00:07:43,049 --> 00:07:45,182
[clears throat]
Okay, let's do this.
196
00:07:46,953 --> 00:07:48,586
Tonight.
Wait, when? What?
197
00:07:48,788 --> 00:07:50,921
Tonight. Why wait?
I'll be home alone,
198
00:07:51,124 --> 00:07:52,324
and it's the maid's night off.
199
00:07:52,358 --> 00:07:53,758
My wife will be at a fundraiser.
200
00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:55,693
Kids?
I think owls?
201
00:07:55,895 --> 00:07:57,328
Do you have children?
202
00:07:57,530 --> 00:07:59,296
Oh, no. Just a bedroom safe,
203
00:07:59,499 --> 00:08:00,979
which I will conveniently leave open,
204
00:08:01,033 --> 00:08:03,801
and in which will be $100,000.
205
00:08:04,003 --> 00:08:06,137
And a letter of recommendation
for Abbiejean...
206
00:08:06,339 --> 00:08:09,974
Archer-Kane? Kane-Archer?
I'll leave the name blank.
207
00:08:10,176 --> 00:08:12,243
[scoffs] Yeah, I should
probably know that...
208
00:08:12,445 --> 00:08:15,079
[deep breath]
Okay, so where and when?
209
00:08:15,281 --> 00:08:16,847
Malibu, there's my address.
210
00:08:17,049 --> 00:08:18,449
The when I don't want to know.
211
00:08:18,651 --> 00:08:20,651
I'm going to go home,
kiss my wife goodbye,
212
00:08:20,853 --> 00:08:22,453
and then start pounding Armagnac.
213
00:08:22,655 --> 00:08:24,655
Alrighty then,
see ya at like, 10:00?
214
00:08:24,857 --> 00:08:26,590
I don't want to know!
215
00:08:26,793 --> 00:08:29,160
Sorry, sorry.
It won't be 10:00.
216
00:08:29,362 --> 00:08:31,295
Get out. [spooky] Or will it?
217
00:08:31,497 --> 00:08:35,166
Get out!
[giggles, chuckles]
218
00:08:45,396 --> 00:08:49,398
♪ Have gun will travel
reads the card of a man ♪
219
00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:53,201
♪ A knight who is armored
with a savage tan ♪
220
00:08:53,404 --> 00:08:55,491
[door opening] Oh, hey,
good, you got the ammo?
221
00:08:55,611 --> 00:08:57,279
10 rounds, custom made, hand loaded.
222
00:08:57,399 --> 00:08:59,535
32 caliber, hollow point,
copper jacketed
223
00:08:59,575 --> 00:09:01,036
fragmentation round.
224
00:09:01,156 --> 00:09:03,127
Dahm! You hunting you
some Grizzly bears?
225
00:09:03,247 --> 00:09:05,547
No, Jethro Dull, it's for a case.
226
00:09:05,749 --> 00:09:08,750
What case? What are you talking about?
And why wasn't I informed?
227
00:09:08,952 --> 00:09:13,722
Calm down, Cyril. It's just a, um,
corporate security evaluation.
228
00:09:13,924 --> 00:09:16,525
Unless you want me
to turn down... ten grand.
229
00:09:16,727 --> 00:09:20,862
Well no, obviously I don't--
wait, why did you hesitate there, on "ten"?
230
00:09:21,065 --> 00:09:24,866
It's a lotta money, Cyril, which I
have to go earn for the agency now!
231
00:09:25,069 --> 00:09:26,702
Wh-- Hey, don't forget
to get a--
232
00:09:26,904 --> 00:09:28,737
Recommendation letter.
Got it. Shut up!
233
00:09:28,939 --> 00:09:30,272
[scoffs]
Ten grand my butt.
234
00:09:30,474 --> 00:09:32,034
I bet Archer's
charging them twice that.
235
00:09:32,076 --> 00:09:34,810
Lana, I want you
to tail him tonight, and--
236
00:09:35,012 --> 00:09:37,979
No, I can't. Okay? Tonight I have
to bake a huge batch of hamentashen
237
00:09:38,182 --> 00:09:39,448
and take them over
to that headmaster.
238
00:09:39,650 --> 00:09:41,650
Wait, what, at his house?
Yes.
239
00:09:41,852 --> 00:09:44,319
That sounds like a really bad idea.
240
00:09:44,521 --> 00:09:47,756
So does minding my business.
[slurping]
241
00:09:49,259 --> 00:09:50,759
And apparently her business
242
00:09:50,961 --> 00:09:52,761
is ambiguous,
poorly-worded burns.
243
00:09:52,963 --> 00:09:55,030
Yeah, right?
Okay, so Ray.
244
00:09:55,232 --> 00:09:58,533
I want you to follow Archer
tonight, and-- Oooh, can't.
245
00:09:58,736 --> 00:10:00,802
Why not?
Don't get shitty with me!
246
00:10:01,004 --> 00:10:03,805
Her excuse was hamentashen,
and you didn't even blink!
247
00:10:04,007 --> 00:10:07,442
Since when do you get a free pass
around here just for having a vagina?
248
00:10:07,644 --> 00:10:08,644
Yeah, Cyril!
249
00:10:08,712 --> 00:10:10,345
And also, what is it good for?
250
00:10:10,547 --> 00:10:11,713
What is what good for?
251
00:10:11,915 --> 00:10:14,015
The free pass for havin' a vag.
Duh.
252
00:10:14,218 --> 00:10:15,650
I assume we can expect discounts
253
00:10:15,853 --> 00:10:17,293
at local businesses and theme parks?
254
00:10:17,488 --> 00:10:20,355
Oh for the-- fine,
I'll do it myself!
255
00:10:20,557 --> 00:10:22,991
Well, good luck with no vagina! Ugh.
256
00:10:23,193 --> 00:10:25,227
[gasps]
Not you, Ms. Archer!
257
00:10:25,429 --> 00:10:29,097
Although... Wh-- She's
obviously got a vagina.
258
00:10:29,299 --> 00:10:32,200
Yeah, probably why
she's such a bitch.
259
00:10:35,472 --> 00:10:36,738
[Archer]
Jesus, really?
260
00:10:36,940 --> 00:10:38,907
A glass house?
[sighs]
261
00:10:39,109 --> 00:10:41,276
Probably so people driving by
have to watch him
262
00:10:41,478 --> 00:10:45,247
bang his model wife on a
mattress stuffed with doubloons.
263
00:10:45,449 --> 00:10:49,017
[chuckles] Not tomorrow, buddy.
Then all they're gonna see is,
264
00:10:49,219 --> 00:10:50,619
well, I guess a bunch of cop cars,
265
00:10:50,821 --> 00:10:53,288
and whatever the coroner drives,
probably a van...
266
00:10:53,490 --> 00:10:56,591
Oh and your wife's car,
since she's--
267
00:10:56,794 --> 00:10:58,593
she's the one who's gonna find you.
268
00:10:58,796 --> 00:11:00,596
But, ya know, who's to say
if that's any worse
269
00:11:00,798 --> 00:11:01,930
than being forced to watch you die
270
00:11:02,132 --> 00:11:03,832
a slow and agonizing
death? Right?
271
00:11:04,034 --> 00:11:06,535
Plus I didn't give you cancer.
272
00:11:06,737 --> 00:11:09,237
Plus you're the world's biggest dick.
273
00:11:09,439 --> 00:11:11,583
Except for maybe Whitney.
Oh, and Hitler.
274
00:11:13,141 --> 00:11:15,078
Plus, I didn't give you cancer.
275
00:11:15,879 --> 00:11:18,340
Well, I can't say I blame him.
276
00:11:18,649 --> 00:11:21,750
I'd be getting drunk too,
in his shoes...
277
00:11:21,952 --> 00:11:25,620
I can't imagine what it would be
like to know when you're gonna die.
278
00:11:25,823 --> 00:11:27,255
Or even if.
[snoring]
279
00:11:27,457 --> 00:11:29,925
[sighs] Feel like I
should say a few words.
280
00:11:30,127 --> 00:11:32,093
But none spring to mind.
Okay then.
281
00:11:32,904 --> 00:11:36,264
Archer, you can't
do this... yet.
282
00:11:36,466 --> 00:11:37,766
What if he didn't open the safe?
283
00:11:37,968 --> 00:11:40,101
Where even is the safe?
Dammit...
284
00:11:44,408 --> 00:11:45,408
[man yelling]
285
00:11:45,609 --> 00:11:46,975
What the--
[screams]
286
00:11:57,287 --> 00:11:59,287
[yells] What the shit,
Ivy, what are you--
287
00:11:59,489 --> 00:12:00,956
You think I won't [bleep] kill you?
288
00:12:01,158 --> 00:12:02,390
What the-- Whitney?
289
00:12:02,593 --> 00:12:03,925
Swirling?
290
00:12:04,127 --> 00:12:06,094
[pants]
[clears throat]
291
00:12:06,296 --> 00:12:07,296
[ gun fires ]
[screams]
292
00:12:07,464 --> 00:12:09,231
Oh, God! Ow!
293
00:12:10,065 --> 00:12:13,668
[sobbing, whimpering] Oh, shut up.
It's not that bad.
294
00:12:13,871 --> 00:12:16,638
I have no pinky toe!
You asshole!
295
00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:19,007
Hey! I'm not the
asshole here! Whitney!
296
00:12:19,209 --> 00:12:22,844
I'm the guy with the gun! Not
the asshole, with eight toes!
297
00:12:23,046 --> 00:12:25,113
Nine, you-- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
298
00:12:25,315 --> 00:12:27,115
[groans] So, since you're the
only person on the planet
299
00:12:27,317 --> 00:12:30,118
that I'd like to kill more than
Ivy, and since I haven't yet,
300
00:12:30,320 --> 00:12:32,087
why did he hire me to do that?
301
00:12:32,289 --> 00:12:33,688
I don't know, he's crazy!
302
00:12:33,891 --> 00:12:35,924
And then maybe, in his paranoid mind,
303
00:12:36,126 --> 00:12:38,526
he thinks that for
the past five years maybe
304
00:12:38,729 --> 00:12:42,797
I've been embezzling from the fund and
also maybe sleeping with his wife?
305
00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:44,065
For five years?
306
00:12:44,268 --> 00:12:46,334
We maybe just had our anniversary.
307
00:12:46,536 --> 00:12:48,737
Hey, congratulations...
Oh, thanks, man.
308
00:12:48,939 --> 00:12:50,739
On still being a massive dickhole.
309
00:12:50,941 --> 00:12:52,674
Okay, so I promised Ivy I'd kill you.
310
00:12:52,876 --> 00:12:54,209
No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait!
311
00:12:54,411 --> 00:12:55,651
Look, whatever he's paying you,
312
00:12:55,679 --> 00:12:56,711
I will double it!
313
00:12:56,914 --> 00:12:58,114
Well he's paying
me a hundred--
314
00:12:58,215 --> 00:13:01,316
dammit-- and fifty
thousand dollars, so--
315
00:13:01,518 --> 00:13:02,617
[Cyril] Ahaa!
[both] What?
316
00:13:02,819 --> 00:13:04,686
Ten thousand, my butt!
I knew it!
317
00:13:04,888 --> 00:13:06,688
Are you-- Cyril,
you followed me?
318
00:13:06,890 --> 00:13:08,023
You lied to me!
319
00:13:08,225 --> 00:13:09,824
Yeah, but you didn't know that.
320
00:13:10,027 --> 00:13:12,360
On some level, I think we both did.
321
00:13:12,562 --> 00:13:17,065
Hello, Cyril Figgis, owner and lead
investigator of The Figgis Agency.
322
00:13:17,267 --> 00:13:19,200
How's it going? Trent
Whitney, murder victim.
323
00:13:19,403 --> 00:13:20,735
Would-be murder victim!
324
00:13:20,938 --> 00:13:22,337
I'm sorry,
what-what's happening?
325
00:13:22,539 --> 00:13:24,572
My partner paid him to kill me.
326
00:13:24,775 --> 00:13:27,545
He what? You what? Under
false pretenses, Cyril!
327
00:13:27,665 --> 00:13:29,817
Calm down, I thought
I was killing the other guy.
328
00:13:29,937 --> 00:13:31,564
Why were you killing anybody?
329
00:13:31,684 --> 00:13:33,397
Because I thought he had cancer.
330
00:13:33,517 --> 00:13:34,749
And also in prep school
331
00:13:34,952 --> 00:13:37,052
both of them bullied the
absolute shit out of me.
332
00:13:37,254 --> 00:13:40,522
[laughing]
What? Seriously, dude?
333
00:13:40,724 --> 00:13:44,125
You were going to murder me 'cause
I picked on you a little bit?
334
00:13:44,328 --> 00:13:45,894
A little?
You almost killed me!
335
00:13:46,096 --> 00:13:48,196
I spent freshman year
in the hospital!
336
00:13:48,398 --> 00:13:49,764
With what, AIDS?
[chuckles]
337
00:13:49,967 --> 00:13:53,101
Pneumonia!
From what, complications from AI-- Ow!
338
00:13:53,303 --> 00:13:55,103
Jesus Christ.
And if I'm being honest, yeah,
339
00:13:55,305 --> 00:13:57,572
I'm sure the bullying had some
influence on my decision,
340
00:13:57,774 --> 00:14:01,309
but I was actually murdering
you-- well, Ivy-- for money.
341
00:14:01,511 --> 00:14:02,511
And that makes it better?
342
00:14:02,713 --> 00:14:05,246
Money and cancer,
then! Jesus!
343
00:14:05,449 --> 00:14:08,650
But don't tell me you never fantasized
about killing your bullies, Cyril.
344
00:14:08,852 --> 00:14:12,754
[Archer, crying]
Cyril?
345
00:14:12,956 --> 00:14:15,690
Cyril!
346
00:14:15,892 --> 00:14:18,526
It puts the lotion in the basket!
347
00:14:18,729 --> 00:14:19,894
[Archer] What? What?
348
00:14:20,097 --> 00:14:21,763
What're we doing?
Um, I think Whitney
349
00:14:21,965 --> 00:14:23,631
was about to pay me $300,000?
350
00:14:23,834 --> 00:14:25,800
Not to kill him?
That's extortion!
351
00:14:26,003 --> 00:14:28,903
I know, Cyril, but think of the
alternative. His hands are tied.
352
00:14:29,106 --> 00:14:31,239
And yes, yes, dude, I will pay you,
353
00:14:31,441 --> 00:14:34,743
but the money's not in my house.
It's, it's, it's--
354
00:14:34,945 --> 00:14:37,785
[impersonating Jimmy Stewart] It's in
Tom's house, and-and Bill's house.
355
00:14:37,948 --> 00:14:39,714
And and and and and and and!
356
00:14:39,916 --> 00:14:41,549
Okay, okay, wait, wait!
[keypad pressing]
357
00:14:41,752 --> 00:14:46,054
Dude, check this out. What if I
paid you 500, and you kill Ivy?
358
00:14:46,256 --> 00:14:48,223
Mmm, no, I think just the three.
359
00:14:48,425 --> 00:14:50,992
Ivy's a cuckold, betrayed
by his wife and friend.
360
00:14:51,194 --> 00:14:54,262
You're a cuckolding thief, and
between us, clearly an alcoholic.
361
00:14:54,464 --> 00:14:56,331
He's an alcoholic.
He didn't know
362
00:14:56,533 --> 00:14:59,000
he was gonna die tonight, Cyril.
For him it's just Tuesday.
363
00:14:59,202 --> 00:15:01,870
Anyway, you're both so obviously
and profoundly unhappy
364
00:15:02,072 --> 00:15:04,152
with who you became, that
I bet you're both gonna die
365
00:15:04,241 --> 00:15:05,874
in some bizarre
murder-suicide,
366
00:15:06,076 --> 00:15:07,809
and that is reward enough for me.
367
00:15:08,011 --> 00:15:10,311
Yeah. That and $300,000.
368
00:15:10,514 --> 00:15:14,082
Yeah. [sighs] Well, you
may be right about that.
369
00:15:14,284 --> 00:15:16,384
But I'll tell you this, Swirling.
370
00:15:16,586 --> 00:15:20,655
I shoulda drowned you in piss when
I had the chance, you little fa--
371
00:15:20,857 --> 00:15:22,090
[blood splatters]
[yelps]
372
00:15:22,292 --> 00:15:24,125
Huh.
Jeezy Petes!
373
00:15:24,327 --> 00:15:27,262
Great shot, Archer.
[scoffs] Yeah, right?
374
00:15:27,464 --> 00:15:29,631
But as much as I'd like to
take credit for that...
375
00:15:29,833 --> 00:15:30,865
Ahh!
Yeah, right?
376
00:15:31,068 --> 00:15:33,001
Ahh.
Oof.
377
00:15:33,203 --> 00:15:34,469
Who the heck is shooting at us?
378
00:15:34,671 --> 00:15:35,837
[chuckling]
Cyril, c'mon.
379
00:15:36,039 --> 00:15:37,172
It's obviously Ivy.
380
00:15:37,374 --> 00:15:41,676
C'mon, Swirling, where are you?
381
00:15:41,878 --> 00:15:43,311
I bet this was his plan all along.
382
00:15:43,431 --> 00:15:45,856
He follows me,
I kill Whitney, he kills me,
383
00:15:45,976 --> 00:15:48,002
looks like a robbery.
But I thought he had cancer.
384
00:15:48,122 --> 00:15:50,634
No, dummy, that was just a ruse.
385
00:15:50,754 --> 00:15:52,353
But either way, when I had cancer,
386
00:15:52,556 --> 00:15:54,222
I bet I killed, like, 20 guys,
387
00:15:54,424 --> 00:15:56,825
so it's not a death sentence
anymore, is my point.
388
00:15:57,027 --> 00:15:58,193
No, but this is!
389
00:15:58,395 --> 00:15:59,994
Yeah, he almost made the Olympics.
390
00:16:00,197 --> 00:16:01,863
What?
Biathlon, I know,
391
00:16:02,065 --> 00:16:04,432
you think to yourself
"Pretty gay sport," but--
392
00:16:04,634 --> 00:16:06,634
Holy shit!
What?
393
00:16:06,837 --> 00:16:08,670
You think he knows Ray?
394
00:16:18,775 --> 00:16:21,259
Cyril, stop it!
I mean it, hang up!
395
00:16:21,461 --> 00:16:24,095
Gimme, Cyril. Dammit! Get off.
Stop it! Archer!
396
00:16:24,297 --> 00:16:25,997
[Lana] This is Lana Kane.
Leave a message.
397
00:16:26,199 --> 00:16:27,265
[beep] Lana! Lana, we're--
398
00:16:27,467 --> 00:16:28,667
We're fine.
Everything's great.
399
00:16:28,868 --> 00:16:30,268
Bye, hon.
Oww!
400
00:16:30,470 --> 00:16:31,802
Jeezy Petes!
See?
401
00:16:32,005 --> 00:16:33,204
I told you not to call her.
402
00:16:33,406 --> 00:16:34,872
Well, we can't call the police.
403
00:16:35,074 --> 00:16:36,908
No, uh, this does not look good.
404
00:16:37,110 --> 00:16:38,310
Wonder why she didn't pick up.
405
00:16:38,444 --> 00:16:39,644
[Lana]
I can explain.
406
00:16:39,846 --> 00:16:41,712
What, why you're stalking this guy?
407
00:16:41,915 --> 00:16:44,165
Stalking?
It's just hamentashen!
408
00:16:44,384 --> 00:16:45,883
Okay. You wanna
explain this?
409
00:16:46,085 --> 00:16:48,085
[sigh] You got a license for that?
410
00:16:48,288 --> 00:16:50,221
Well, I'm a private investigator,
so-- [officer laughs]
411
00:16:50,423 --> 00:16:51,989
Got a license for that? [laughs]
412
00:16:52,192 --> 00:16:54,992
Well, not, um, you know,
technically, but-- No.
413
00:16:55,195 --> 00:16:58,429
All you got is baby pictures,
a Sub Club card and...
414
00:16:58,631 --> 00:17:01,933
what appears to be a very
crudely-drawn "vagina pass."
415
00:17:02,135 --> 00:17:03,534
[groans]
416
00:17:03,736 --> 00:17:06,370
Okay, so call Ray, on your cell!
417
00:17:06,573 --> 00:17:07,905
I can't.
Why not?
418
00:17:08,107 --> 00:17:10,885
After the whole biker
voicemail fiasco...
419
00:17:11,005 --> 00:17:12,545
Mother took it away.
What?
420
00:17:12,665 --> 00:17:14,424
What are you, 9 years... Ow!
421
00:17:14,544 --> 00:17:16,396
Haha! Ow!
Haha! Ow!
422
00:17:16,516 --> 00:17:18,516
Shut up! And then you call Ray.
423
00:17:18,718 --> 00:17:20,151
Cyril, why aren't you calling Ray?
424
00:17:20,353 --> 00:17:22,587
Because I don't have a mobile carrier.
Why not?
425
00:17:22,789 --> 00:17:25,690
I've been comparison shopping
for the best rate plan.
426
00:17:25,892 --> 00:17:28,192
For three months? There are
literally two companies!
427
00:17:28,394 --> 00:17:30,228
What the hell can
you possibly be comparing?
428
00:17:30,430 --> 00:17:31,550
Their respective rate plans!
429
00:17:31,731 --> 00:17:33,931
Wow. Okay, so if we
live through this,
430
00:17:34,133 --> 00:17:36,434
which I wouldn't bet
on, I-- Wait, shut up!
431
00:17:36,636 --> 00:17:37,902
[sniffs]
Do you smell that?
432
00:17:38,104 --> 00:17:39,537
Oh, my God, did you shit yourself?
433
00:17:39,739 --> 00:17:41,439
No, that!
[sniffs]
434
00:17:41,641 --> 00:17:43,975
Oh that. Yeah, that's gas. What?
435
00:17:44,177 --> 00:17:46,377
A round must've clipped
the gas line to the stove.
436
00:17:46,579 --> 00:17:48,279
Oh my God.
Yeah, not great.
437
00:17:48,481 --> 00:17:50,481
Even a tiny spark--
438
00:17:50,683 --> 00:17:52,383
And we're dead.
439
00:17:52,585 --> 00:17:54,418
So while you're getting the
money out of the safe-- What?
440
00:17:54,621 --> 00:17:55,786
No, nuh-uh! There's
nothing between
441
00:17:55,989 --> 00:17:57,389
the safe and the bullets! [gun fires]
442
00:17:57,423 --> 00:17:59,257
There's me.
I'm gonna draw his fire.
443
00:17:59,459 --> 00:18:02,260
I'm gonna make a run for the car.
Meanwhile, you clear out the safe!
444
00:18:02,462 --> 00:18:05,363
Okay, but-- Wait, what's to keep
you from just leaving me here?
445
00:18:05,565 --> 00:18:07,098
Wha-- The money,
you idiot!
446
00:18:07,300 --> 00:18:09,734
Oh right, that makes-- What?
One, two, three, go!
447
00:18:09,936 --> 00:18:11,869
[yelling]
448
00:18:12,071 --> 00:18:14,739
Ahh.
[gun firing]
449
00:18:14,941 --> 00:18:17,808
Seriously.
That must be so sticky.
450
00:18:18,011 --> 00:18:20,544
Son of a-- Can't have anything nice.
[car revs]
451
00:18:20,747 --> 00:18:21,879
Cyril, let's go!
452
00:18:22,081 --> 00:18:23,281
Hang on! There's--
453
00:18:23,483 --> 00:18:25,750
Cyril! I swear to God
I will leave you!
454
00:18:25,952 --> 00:18:28,085
[car revs]
Ah. Ooh.
455
00:18:28,288 --> 00:18:31,922
[yelps]
Archer, wait!
456
00:18:32,125 --> 00:18:33,658
[groans]
457
00:18:33,860 --> 00:18:35,459
Oh, good.
You made it.
458
00:18:35,662 --> 00:18:38,596
[tires screeching] In
the-- In the safe he had
459
00:18:38,798 --> 00:18:40,798
all this stuff
from-- from--
460
00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:42,033
[frustrated groan]
461
00:18:43,202 --> 00:18:45,369
Holy shit!
Jeezy Petes!
462
00:18:45,571 --> 00:18:48,506
Dammit! Should've gone
to the owl thing.
463
00:18:48,708 --> 00:18:49,790
[Archer]
What?
464
00:18:50,009 --> 00:18:51,175
[tires screeching]
465
00:18:51,377 --> 00:18:52,443
Longwater!
Just like the--
466
00:18:52,645 --> 00:18:53,925
The Veronica Deane case, I know.
467
00:18:54,047 --> 00:18:55,279
What the hell was in the safe?
468
00:18:55,481 --> 00:18:57,214
Files, disks, all kinds of stuff!
469
00:18:57,417 --> 00:18:59,483
And you just left it?
You left me!
470
00:18:59,686 --> 00:19:01,819
No, I merely tried to!
471
00:19:02,021 --> 00:19:05,222
Hey, Swirling!
472
00:19:05,425 --> 00:19:06,991
Wow, think of how good
you'd have to be
473
00:19:07,193 --> 00:19:08,626
to make the Olympic--
What the?
474
00:19:08,828 --> 00:19:09,828
Cyril, what're you--
475
00:19:09,862 --> 00:19:13,431
Suppressing fire!
476
00:19:13,633 --> 00:19:14,665
[firing blanks]
477
00:19:14,867 --> 00:19:17,001
[chuckles]
478
00:19:17,203 --> 00:19:20,371
So, do you have more bullets, or...
[gun fires]
479
00:19:20,573 --> 00:19:23,040
No.
Oof!
480
00:19:23,242 --> 00:19:26,680
Cyril, I am so mad at you right
now, my mouth tastes like copper.
481
00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:28,983
Well, but are you actually mad at me,
482
00:19:29,103 --> 00:19:30,103
Yes!
or...
483
00:19:30,202 --> 00:19:33,800
- the bullies who tormented a scrawny
teenage boy with no friends? - You!
484
00:19:33,920 --> 00:19:36,087
Because I find it interesting
that you were bullied in school,
485
00:19:36,305 --> 00:19:37,855
and now as an adult you're a bully.
486
00:19:38,057 --> 00:19:39,737
Do you want to talk
about how you bully me?
487
00:19:39,926 --> 00:19:41,192
I do, Cyril.
I really do,
488
00:19:41,394 --> 00:19:42,927
but I'm afraid I'll tear up,
489
00:19:43,146 --> 00:19:45,229
and then not be able to see the road
490
00:19:45,431 --> 00:19:48,132
and then plunge us off the cliff,
and then if you're still alive,
491
00:19:48,334 --> 00:19:51,402
strangle you to death with
my bloody and broken hands!
492
00:19:51,604 --> 00:19:53,604
I also find it interesting that you,
493
00:19:53,773 --> 00:19:56,524
Sterling Archer, man without fear,
are running away from your bully.
494
00:19:56,743 --> 00:19:59,610
Because Cyril Figgis,
man without sense,
495
00:19:59,812 --> 00:20:01,512
wasted all the ammunition!
496
00:20:01,714 --> 00:20:02,947
[tires screeching]
Well, but I
497
00:20:03,149 --> 00:20:04,548
think in a much larger sense
498
00:20:04,751 --> 00:20:06,851
you've been running from
those two your entire life.
499
00:20:07,053 --> 00:20:10,354
And whether it's your personal
relationships, or-- [yelps] Archer?
500
00:20:10,556 --> 00:20:13,340
Take the wheel, dummy!
And you!
501
00:20:13,543 --> 00:20:14,625
Me what?
502
00:20:14,794 --> 00:20:16,127
[roars]
503
00:20:16,295 --> 00:20:18,129
How you like that, Ivy?
[groaning]
504
00:20:18,297 --> 00:20:21,515
Fighting somebody bigger and
stronger than you? Crazy, right?
505
00:20:21,718 --> 00:20:26,804
Imagine what it was like for a
lonely, skinny 13-year-old kid
506
00:20:27,006 --> 00:20:30,307
who'd been to six different
boarding schools since he was five!
507
00:20:30,510 --> 00:20:33,010
Hint! It wasn't great!
[groaning]
508
00:20:33,212 --> 00:20:36,647
[yelps] Yeah, just gonna
give them some space,
509
00:20:36,816 --> 00:20:38,783
do the good old
"three Mississippi."
510
00:20:38,985 --> 00:20:41,819
[both groan] But I hope it
was great for you, Ivy,
511
00:20:41,988 --> 00:20:44,155
because your bullying days are over!
512
00:20:44,323 --> 00:20:47,491
Go ahead, Swirling!
Shoot me!
513
00:20:47,710 --> 00:20:50,661
Oh, huh-uh, you don't get
to take the easy way out, Ivy.
514
00:20:50,830 --> 00:20:53,464
You're going to jail!
Well, you say that.
515
00:20:53,666 --> 00:20:55,433
Whoa!
516
00:20:55,635 --> 00:20:56,801
Archer!
517
00:20:57,003 --> 00:20:58,302
[tires screeching]
518
00:20:58,504 --> 00:21:01,839
[tumbling]
519
00:21:03,843 --> 00:21:06,010
Oh my God, oh my God,
oh my God, Archer!
520
00:21:06,212 --> 00:21:07,645
Yes, what? Shut up.
521
00:21:07,847 --> 00:21:10,014
Oh, my God, how are you still alive?
522
00:21:10,216 --> 00:21:11,916
Jumped out at the last second, Cyril.
523
00:21:12,118 --> 00:21:14,251
The same kind of
split-second decision-making
524
00:21:14,454 --> 00:21:17,321
that caused you to leave
a bunch of clues in the safe!
525
00:21:17,523 --> 00:21:18,923
Idiot!
Ow!
526
00:21:19,125 --> 00:21:21,459
Did you learn nothing from this?
527
00:21:21,661 --> 00:21:23,461
[chuckles]
No.
528
00:21:31,648 --> 00:21:35,507
So listen, I know you've had
your heart set on AJ going to Country Day,
529
00:21:35,747 --> 00:21:37,547
but I've really given it
some serious thought,
530
00:21:37,749 --> 00:21:39,150
and I'm not sure
it's the best thing for her.
531
00:21:39,390 --> 00:21:41,840
I know all kids can be bullies,
but at private school
532
00:21:42,059 --> 00:21:46,211
it seems like there's even more, I
dunno, elitism or snobbery or whatever.
533
00:21:46,414 --> 00:21:50,015
So I really want us to think about A.J.
going to public school.
534
00:21:50,234 --> 00:21:52,985
Because studies have shown
that if a child's intelligent,
535
00:21:53,187 --> 00:21:56,271
and I think A.J. really is, then it
doesn't matter where they go to school.
536
00:21:56,490 --> 00:21:59,658
It's much more important that
learning is fostered in the home
537
00:21:59,860 --> 00:22:01,827
by loving and supportive parents.
538
00:22:02,029 --> 00:22:03,429
[horn blasting]
539
00:22:03,631 --> 00:22:04,997
Plus with the restraining order,
540
00:22:05,199 --> 00:22:07,166
you can't go within
500 feet of the school,
541
00:22:07,368 --> 00:22:10,035
which means I'd be stuck doing
drop-offs and pick-ups every day.
542
00:22:10,237 --> 00:22:13,005
Which, ya know, not doing that.
543
00:22:13,207 --> 00:22:16,041
Anyway, so keep your
chin up, or down I guess.
544
00:22:16,243 --> 00:22:17,843
Shapiro's at your
bail hearing right now,
545
00:22:17,978 --> 00:22:19,478
so you'll be out of here before...
546
00:22:19,680 --> 00:22:21,647
Um, dammit. Um...
547
00:22:21,849 --> 00:22:23,682
You trying to think
of a lesbian joke?
548
00:22:23,884 --> 00:22:27,052
No, hair joke.
Something about braids?
549
00:22:27,254 --> 00:22:30,889
Ah, no, it's gone. Okay stay hard!
What?
550
00:22:31,092 --> 00:22:35,137
Archer! Can you at least put some
money on my canteen account?
551
00:22:35,428 --> 00:22:37,001
No!
552
00:22:37,121 --> 00:22:41,272
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com