Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com
[piano music playing]
[Paul] Entrez!
[Jackie] Paul?
Hey, sorry to bother you,
but it's show time.
Oh, no. This is for Netflix.
Yeah, I know.
It's show time. You're on in two.
OK.
Thank you so much, Cheryl.
It's Jackie.
Well, I appreciate you very much.
Thank you. See you soon.
[opera music playing]
[takes a breath]
[resumes sniffing]
It's Netflix!
[chattering]
[adopts Irish accent] I'm so excited. Aren't you excited?
I'm so excited for the show to begin.
I can't wait.
Have you ever seen Paul Downs?
Have you ever seen him live?
I saw him once, in all his glory.
What a sight!
What... a chameleon!
[audience laughs]
What a gifted character actor.
Oh, yes. Did I mention I'm dying?
I am.
It was my dying wish to be here tonight,
to see him once more.
Oh! Thank you, madam.
I love cocoa.
[audience laughs]
Ooh, that's hot!
Oh, yes.
Paul Downs.
He is...
an enigma!
Yes.
He is...
a phantom of the opera.
He is...
[adopts English accent] ...before you now.
[whooping]
Don't panic, madam.
That old man did not die.
He was not a hallucination.
He was a figment of my imagination.
But he lives on...
in all of you.
You see, I transformed myself.
And, yes...
it was almost anthropological.
But get used to it, audience,
because "Mystical Old Man"
is the first of many characters...
...you will meet on this stage tonight.
Live theatre!
I am so jealous of all of you.
I wish I could be in the audience tonight,
so I could see what is about to unfold before you.
But I tell you what.
It feels good to be back on the boards,
in theatre in the round!
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."
This is the skull...
of Walter Matthau.
[audience laughs]
He was my acting coach from 1999 until the year 2000...
...when he died.
Ladies and gentlemen,
tonight, there will be surprises.
[skull crashes to ground]
[audience laughs]
There will be whimsy.
Savion Glover!
And it will be transformative.
For those of you who have come tonight...
sad...
I hope you will leave jubilant.
For those of you who have come tonight hungry,
I hope you will leave filled up...
...with culture.
And for those of you who have come tonight racist...
You, madam.
...I hope you leave tonight not racist.
So...
sit back, relax,
open your minds,
part your legs,
and enjoy the show.
[applause]
I almost forgot.
Always expect...
[without accent] ...the unexpected!
I am Jasper Cooch, and you're watching Big Trucks,
the show all about big trucks, big tires, big titties and rusty nuts.
So buckle up and get ready for the ride.
This is Big Trucks!
[rock music playing]
Do you like little trucks or big trucks?
- Big trucks. - Big trucks!
Little or big trucks?
- Big trucks. - Big trucks!
- Little or big trucks? - Big.
Big trucks!
- Could you love a man my height, 5'4"? - What?
Right now, you are getting a rare look at the undercarriage of a truck.
The engine, that's like the pussy of the truck.
It's hot, steaming, and it's always working.
You don't see it often, but when you do, what a sight!
Here you got the fuel tank of the truck.
This is what the truck runs on, methane alcohol.
It's also what I run on.
That, in addition to Cheerios,
turkey jerky, Jägermeister,
nacho cheese, the love of a woman,
anti-depressants and Al Pacino movies.
I love Al Pacino. Damn!
I love him.
[Jasper] The show was about to start, so I had to fuel up.
Then I was ready to warm up the crowd.
When I say "big," you say "trucks."
- Big! - [audience] Trucks!
[Jasper and audience continue repeating themselves]
[growls] Big trucks!
[cheering]
[Jasper] The crowd was on fire, and so was I.
Hot jambalaya!
Big trucks.
In the words of Fleetwood Mac, stand back!
That's like Cirque Du Soleil.
I got to be honest, I had a tough year.
[Jasper] After I got the crowd good and hard, I sat back to watch the show.
And that's when I saw her...
the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen.
Hey. What's your name?
Amber.
[Jasper] Her name was Amber.
Her hair was brown,
her eyes were black...
and she smelled like WD-40
and raspberry Skintimate shave cream.
That's funny!
[Jasper] What a woman!
[romantic country music playing]
My mom's real big.
And they tell me to not eat so much.
- Oh, my God! - [Jasper] Oh, wow! Look at that!
[Jasper] Boy, did she have an appetite!
And nothing turns me on more
than a woman that can put away three hot dogs.
These are so good!
[Jasper] When she talked, all I could do was watch her mouth move.
She had the lips of a young Pamela Anderson.
But the pieces I did hear were pretty fascinating.
I saw a snapping turtle
rip the legs off a duck.
Want to get fucked up?
Do you ever set fire to shit?
[Jasper] I was falling hard.
All right. Hold on one second, all right?
- I'll be waiting. - All right.
I'll be right back.
All right. Go back to the hotel. I'll meet you tomorrow.
- [cameraman] What? - I'm not coming back to the hotel.
[cameraman] Where you going?
Going to get my dick sucked.
[Jasper] Well...
...shall we go?
[both laugh]
[Jasper] I'd had sex before, all right.
But that night,
well, that was the first time I'd ever made love.
She stole my fucking clothes.
She stole my clothes, she stole my money and she stole my heart.
[crew member] Wanna file a report with the police?
Are you crazy? I am in love!
I'm going to find her.
Hold up.
[shouts] I'm coming for you, baby!
Big trucks!
[melancholy music playing]
[male presenter] You're watching MTV Europe! Next up is Hey Guys!
[applause]
[presenter whoops]
[adopts Dutch accent] Hey, guys! It is me, Yeuvenjejenia Yeuvskaiya,
VJ here on MTV Europe and your host of Hey Guys!
Hey, guys!
We're coming at you live, as always, from our studios here in downtown Netherlands.
Wow, wow, wow! It is amazing, guys!
Today's episode is brought to you by Dutch butter.
Dutch butter is delicious,
is nutritious, and it's better than lube!
Hey, guys!
Normally what I like to do
is get to know people in my studio audience.
But I'm done with that schniz, OK?
No, no.
Today we're going to flip the switch, turn it around,
and you're going to ask me any dang question you want.
Do you know why? Because I'm feeling good!
OK, guys!
So, come on, shout out a question and I'm going to answer with my truth.
Yes?
Fuck, marry or kill? Scary Spice, Baby Spice or Posh Spice?
You know I'm going to kill Posh Spice because of David Beckham. You know?
Get him back on the market, dang it!
I guess I'd marry Baby, and I'll tell you why.
She looks like a good homemaker.
And you know Scary is the one with the attitude. Yow! OK, guys.
I'd wanna take her to bed. I wouldn't throw her out.
And you really can't.
You really can't.
You shouldn't throw a woman.
You shouldn't throw a woman, you shouldn't throw a man.
Don't matter, your gender. You should be kind to each other, guys.
One love. Next question?
- [female] What's your gender? - What's my gender?
What's my gender, studio audience?
If you want to vote, text 212 to 210.
I'll tell you what.
Think about it.
What genders are there? Well?
You got cis male.
You got cis female.
You got M-to-F transgender.
You got F-to-M transgender.
You got genderless, hermaphrodite, questioning,
and David Beckham!
Hey, guys!
Keep it fluid, you never know when you're gonna meet Lenny Kravitz.
[cheering]
We got to go. We got to go to commercial break.
But I want to leave you all with this.
The Europe motto and our motto here at MTV.
If you have a baguette and a stick of butter, you got a meal.
Hey, guys!
Right this way.
Nice.
Can I get you anything? Water? Wine?
No, I'm fine, thank you.
Jacob will be right with you.
There he is!
My favorite scribe, huh?
- Jacob. - Jeremiah, the Prince of Parchment.
- Good to see you, buddy! - Good to see you.
You look good. How are you doing?
- Fair. - Great.
Buddy, buddy, I got to say something to you right now.
Congrats! Do you know what I mean?
There she is.
The Holy Bible.
Congratu-fucking-lations, baby. This is a bestseller.
We're going to make a lot of coin.
Here's the deal.
I love most of it, because it's so...
out there.
You know? It's really wild.
Some of it's touching, moving, dramatic, romantic.
Some of it's just nuts.
But I think that's good. You want a lot of genres.
You know? You want different styles.
I have a couple notes. Just suggestions, not commandments, OK?
You're the writer. I'm not the writer.
All right. Genesis.
It takes God seven days to make the universe?
OK. The sixth day he makes man.
Really picks up on the sixth day.
You know? Maybe you want to condense that. All right?
Cut the expo, cut the setup.
Get to it. Make it two days.
But that's...
that's not how it happened.
OK. Now, it's not a true story.
So... It's based on a true story.
"On the seventh day, God rested."
- No. - Well, he did.
God shouldn't rest. It makes him seem lazy, unlikable.
You know who's so funny?
Oh, my God!
Satan.
I love Satan! He's so funny!
- No. - No? Is he not supposed to be?
- No. - Oh.
- What are you going for? - He's the embodiment of evil.
- Oh, he embodies evil? - Yeah.
- What did you think he embodied? - I thought he was comic relief.
But that's fine. Evil's good. We like antihero stories here.
He's telling people to bite apples, that's hilarious.
Does he have to be a snake?
He comes in many forms, but in the Garden he is, yes, a snake.
A shape-shifter.
- Teens are gonna love that. - Do you think?
Yes. Got some more.
There's this one part I want to bring up,
if I may, here.
OK, yeah.
God says...
[clears throat]
..."I do not permit a woman to teach
or have authority over man."
"Instead, they should remain silent."
I'm with you. I get it.
I know women can't read,
but they might hear about this and be pissed, you know?
And here's the deal.
Even if women can't read,
we still want them to buy the book, you know?
We want those lady shekels.
I think you got to be nicer, softer to the women.
[shouts] Tamar!
- Here she is. - [Tamar] More coffee?
- [Jacob] Thank you. - [Jeremiah] Thank you.
Do you want any goat's milk, camel's milk?
No, thank you.
[Jacob] You take it black? I like that.
Speaking of black...
...you might want to do another pass and incorporate people of color.
- We don't want to get dinged on diversity. - I thought I'd touched on all...
It is a little Jew-y, overall.
A little bit Jew-y, which I like.
Sometimes you can't get enough, and yet you can.
Who seemed too Jew-y?
Well, for one, Jesus.
But, that said, he was also my favorite character.
Who do you like more, Satan or Jesus?
Oof! Don't make me do that!
[groans]
Hmm...
- It's OK. - Jesus. I like Jesus more. Right answer?
Is that what you were going for?
- There is no right answer. - Well, isn't that good?
Because I like Satan more. I loved the Last Supper. Very relatable.
I've been to so many friends' going-away parties that drag on.
It's like, "We get it. Bye!"
The blood?
Drinking his blood?
Very cool.
Here's my bump.
He dies.
Goes into the tomb for three days?
Mm-hmm.
Then he rises again.
[Jeremiah] Mm-hmm.
You don't... approve?
Come on.
That's a little bit broad, am I right?
- [Jeremiah] Is it? - Yes.
- [Jacob] Yeah. - I guess. You said it.
Yeah, it's broad.
It's actually what happened.
A group of guy friends, I get it,
hanging out, having dinner, some wine, drinking each other's blood, all normal.
But I don't like them sticking their fingers in his holes.
Honestly, I think you do some trims,
you lose the incest,
you're kind of nicer to women, you put some black people in,
you watch for the contradictions,
you take out that Mary Virgin stuff, or at least you justify,
and you got yourself a bestseller.
To be honest, I'm not going to take any of your notes.
OK.
- [Jeremiah] Yeah... - All right, that's fine. I tell you what.
- We're gonna publish this anyway. - Thank you.
We got very little on our slate, gonna be honest with you.
So, that's the way the matzah crumbles.
Did you take a camel? Can we validate?
- I walked. - All right.
- But thank you, Jacob, as usual. - Jeremiah, as usual.
- Peace be with you, buddy. - Yes.
All right.
- [shouts] Hey, Tamar! - [Tamar] Yes?
- [Jacob] Get me a hummus plate. - [Tamar] Oh, OK.
We can't use this bottle. It's made in China.
- They all are. - I know, but...
[man] Hey, guys?
- Hey! - [Stephanie] Hey!
Hey, guys.
- It looks incredible back here. - [Mark] Thanks!
I love what you have done with it!
- Congrats, man. - Thanks!
- Hi, Mark! Thanks for coming! - Hey! How are you?
Good to see you.
Is this the adorable baby? Hello.
Hi!
She's trying... Yeah, there's her foot. She's trying to say hi!
- Oh, hi! - She's a little flirt.
Yeah, she just loves men.
- Does she? - Yeah.
Can I... Can I get a little kiss hello?
One little kiss? Yes?
Hi. Hi.
[man hums]
[man takes deep breath]
[man continues humming]
[man makes kissing noise]
Steph, she has your lips.
- Who wants a marg? - Let's get drinks.
- I do! Yeah! - Yeah.
- Thanks. - Yeah.
[melancholy music playing]
[audience laughs]
[man laughs hysterically]
[audience laughs]
[applause]
[man] I love you so much.
I love you so much.
Eye contact.
Cheers.
Happy.
Cool.
So, Max,
I wanted to talk about something.
Oh. I am...
...open and receptive to your wants and needs.
Wonderful.
I think that we should...
...role play in the bedroom.
OK.
Did you...
have something in mind?
Like, I don't know...
teacher and student?
Maybe you're Anne Sullivan and I'm Helen Keller?
Blind jokes are not funny.
Oh. I mean, sometimes they can be funny.
No, they're never funny.
And that's a fact.
- Anyway, back to it. - Yes.
I was thinking...
it would be extremely sexy...
...if we...
...were black people.
So it would be the two of us...
...as black people.
I get it.
But... I think it might be inappropriate
to role play as black people.
What did we talk about with Dr. Stern on Thursday morning, Max?
He said, "No judgment."
No judgment.
Especially with sexual fantasies.
I'm not judging you at all, OK?
OK.
I respect you. I worship you.
But I think it's a little racially insensitive.
No one is going to know.
Maybe the dogs, but they haven't watched us in months.
I don't know what you want me to do. Do you want me to do a voice?
[whispers] Like, put on a black voice?
I don't know. That sounds like a great idea to me.
For once in your life, maybe you could have a little bit of imagination.
It would be very sexy...
...if you did it right now.
Right now?
Mm-hmm.
Do it.
[adopts stereotypical accent] ♪ Old Man River ♪
♪ That Old ♪
- Garlic pressed chicken. - Thank you so much.
- [waiter] And the bucatini. - Thank you so much.
- [Suri] Thank you... so much. - [waiter] Enjoy.
- This looks great. - This does look great.
- That did not feel right. - Then take singing lessons.
Also, you don't need to sing. I didn't say sing.
I don't mean singing.
I just mean generally embodying...
you know, a person of color,
feels like it works against the power dynamic, and I...
Oh, no!
What?
Look.
- God. - I wish I hadn't seen that.
- Yeah, that's unacceptable. - Maybe I can just eat around it.
- Max, are you kid... - No, I can't.
Say something.
- I don't want to be one of those people. - Max, oh, my God.
This is what Dr. Stern was talking about.
Have a backbone for once.
Grow a pair and say something.
Max, if you hit yourself one more time, I am leaving.
[Max] Excuse me?
Yes? Hi.
I am so sorry...
to be this guy, but...
there is a...
severed penis in my pasta.
God! Are you sure?
- [Max] Yeah. - Yeah, we're sure.
Bring it out of the...
Move the spaghetti.
[waiter] Oh, my! Oh, yeah. Now I see it.
- It really is. - [Suri] Yeah.
Yeah. And, you know...
I get it. I waited tables at Tavern on the Green for half a summer.
So I hate to be this person, but...
I can't eat this.
I have to send it back.
Are you sure it isn't yours?
- Yeah. - We're sure it's not his penis.
- This is a circumcised penis, not his. - [waiter] OK.
- Babe? - What do you want me to say?
[Max] Well...
I am uncircumcised.
But this is not my penis,
and I am sorry, I need to send it back.
OK. I will gladly go get you another pasta.
But I just want to warn you, it might take just a little while.
That's fine, as long as there's not a human penis in it.
Take your time.
Again, my apologies.
Thank you.
- Wow! - "Again, apologies"? There wasn't a first.
Do you want half? Actually, can you cut it up for me? Thanks.
[Max] Anyway, I...
That could be us.
OK.
[melancholy music playing]
[sirens blaring]
[camera shutter clicking]
[cop] Excuse me! Sir, you can't...
Not so fast, rook. That's Detective McClintock, best man on the force.
But, sir, he's blind.
He was born with a corneal opacity, but uses heightened senses to solve crimes.
- Problem with that? - No, sir.
Watch and learn, rook.
[whispers] The Fingerer strikes again. Who found the body?
[forensic] A homeless couple on a date.
[whispers] Hello.
She was strangled.
The killer is right-handed.
He's good!
No shit, you bastard.
She has two different-sized breasts.
One is a...
...a large C.
And the other one...
Oh.
A DD.
Get a picture to every specialty bra-maker south of 34th Street.
I'm on it.
I'm getting barbecue sauce from Dino's.
Far Rockaway.
And anus!
She was working last night.
Dirty girl.
She smoked a cigar.
A De Nobili.
There is only one place in the city you can get that kind of cigar.
Somebody, get me my Ninebot!
All right, got it?
Steady. Steady. Are you on it?
OK. I'm blind, I'm not deaf. You don't have to yell.
[cop] Sir!
Sir!
Barbecue sauce.
[sniffs]
Cigar.
I killed another prostitute last night.
That's the killer, all right.
Salters out.
Salters?
No!
I don't know my friend.
But you are a killer...
of prostitutes.
You bastard.
One...
two...
Freeze!
[Salters] You fucking blind bastard!
[woman whimpers]
- Freeze! - [Salters] Not so fast, McClintock!
- I'm holding a gun to a woman's head. - You'll never get away with it!
- Do I have a clean shot? - No!
[McClintock] Damn it!
[woman screams]
[Salters] Shut your mouth!
[gunshots firing in slow motion]
Hold still, you fucking bastard.
- [Salters] I'm going to fucking kill you! - No!
One bullet left.
[bullet ricocheting]
[tires squealing]
You're safe now.
I can tell your body is in shock.
How?
Because you're shivering.
I am holding your naked, shivering body.
Do you want to kiss?
No!
[melancholy music playing]
[audience laughing]
[applause]
What a night we've had together.
So many things we've shared.
[audience laughing]
We've learned a lot, you know?
Tonight, there were surprises.
[wineglass smashing]
There was whimsy.
And it was transformative.
For those of you who came tonight racist... Yes, you, madam.
You, madam...
I'd like to say congratulations,
because you're no longer racist.
Give her a hand!
Wow! Yeah!
Please...
love each other,
and don't text and drive.
Good night.
[whooping]
I almost forgot.
I told you...
...always expect...
...the unexpected!
[audience laughing]
[applause]
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com
[Paul sings] ♪ Hey, you guys Thanks for coming ♪
♪ It's Paul Downs And you wrapped my show ♪
♪ I hope you know that you're at my show ♪
♪ 'Cause you are at my show ♪
♪ If you didn't know, well, that was me ♪
♪ I was just on stage Moving and talking ♪
♪ Should I give up comedy ♪
♪ For a music career? ♪
♪ I think so ♪
♪ Do you like my singing? Do you love my singing? ♪
♪ Please let me know after the show ♪
♪ You can leave a message You can write it down ♪
♪ You can say what part Was your favorite part ♪
♪ I'm putting on a costume, maybe a wig ♪
♪ Who knows? Maybe some make-up ♪
♪ Oops! That'd be weird No, it wouldn't ♪
♪ Gender is fluid, gender is fluid ♪
♪ Have you ever seen my IMDB? ♪
♪ Since you're in the dark I'll list it for you ♪
♪ Ready? Here we go ♪
♪ One, two, three ♪
♪ Broad City, that's pretty much it ♪
[audience laughing]