1
00:00:04,237 --> 00:00:07,172
Excuse me. I'm looking for Dr. Ken Park.
2
00:00:07,240 --> 00:00:08,468
About yea high.
3
00:00:08,541 --> 00:00:11,772
Looks like an Asian lesbian,
acts like an Asian gay man.
4
00:00:12,612 --> 00:00:14,409
Clark, can you call Tanya at Nail Depot
5
00:00:14,481 --> 00:00:16,108
and tell her next time
there's a bubble in my top coat,
6
00:00:16,182 --> 00:00:18,207
- I'm taking my business elsewhere.
- Absolutely.
7
00:00:18,284 --> 00:00:19,876
- Buddy!
- Doug!
8
00:00:19,953 --> 00:00:22,046
Oh, my. Oh, look at you, Mr. Clean.
9
00:00:22,122 --> 00:00:23,817
You here for a shine?
10
00:00:24,057 --> 00:00:26,685
Look at you. Still working
at Doctors Without Decorators, huh?
11
00:00:29,129 --> 00:00:30,653
This is my old buddy Doug.
12
00:00:30,730 --> 00:00:33,221
He's a standup comic,
which means he's bitter and poor.
13
00:00:33,533 --> 00:00:35,023
Better than being short and ugly.
14
00:00:35,101 --> 00:00:36,398
Is it, Doug?
15
00:00:37,137 --> 00:00:39,367
You know what? I'm in town for a couple
days at the Laugh Factory.
16
00:00:39,439 --> 00:00:41,873
Oh, is that no longer a comedy club?
17
00:00:43,309 --> 00:00:44,298
So, let me guess.
18
00:00:44,377 --> 00:00:48,108
You still don't have health insurance,
so you dropped by for a free checkup?
19
00:00:48,181 --> 00:00:49,341
I was hoping you could fit me in
20
00:00:49,416 --> 00:00:51,884
in between putting toe tags
on the rest of your patients.
21
00:00:52,519 --> 00:00:53,816
Did he hear about last week?
22
00:00:54,954 --> 00:00:56,888
Okay, all right, just shut up, Julie.
23
00:00:58,124 --> 00:00:59,716
Hey, why don't you
talk that woman you duped
24
00:00:59,793 --> 00:01:01,420
into marrying you
to come to my show tonight?
25
00:01:01,494 --> 00:01:03,894
Ooh, yeah, we'd love to hear your fresh take
26
00:01:03,963 --> 00:01:06,955
on Internet dating
and how everyone's eating kale.
27
00:01:08,368 --> 00:01:10,495
I'll leave you some comp tickets
at the box office.
28
00:01:10,837 --> 00:01:13,032
Comp tickets? I'm intrigued.
29
00:01:13,106 --> 00:01:14,300
Who are you, friend?
30
00:01:14,374 --> 00:01:16,865
Pat, this is my buddy Doug from college.
He does standup.
31
00:01:16,943 --> 00:01:19,104
Ah. Well, put me down for one comp ticket.
32
00:01:19,179 --> 00:01:20,237
You a big comedy guy?
33
00:01:20,313 --> 00:01:22,543
No, I'm more of a live sex show guy.
34
00:01:23,450 --> 00:01:24,815
But those are hardly ever free.
35
00:01:34,794 --> 00:01:36,853
You guys, why are we sitting here?
36
00:01:37,397 --> 00:01:38,796
Surgeons took our table.
37
00:01:38,865 --> 00:01:40,890
Yeah, they think
they're so much better than us.
38
00:01:41,267 --> 00:01:43,792
Why? Just 'cause they have
tons more education
39
00:01:43,870 --> 00:01:47,431
and way more money
and are more attractive?
40
00:01:47,507 --> 00:01:48,769
You know what, guys?
41
00:01:48,842 --> 00:01:50,241
They're better than us.
42
00:01:51,177 --> 00:01:52,804
They don't have more money than me.
43
00:01:52,879 --> 00:01:56,076
I inherited a fortune
after that satellite fell on my grandma.
44
00:01:57,851 --> 00:01:59,876
What? I never told y'all that story?
45
00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:01,545
Craziest thing I ever seen.
46
00:02:03,523 --> 00:02:05,081
Whoa.
47
00:02:05,158 --> 00:02:06,489
This is ridiculous.
48
00:02:06,559 --> 00:02:07,787
We don't have to take this.
49
00:02:07,861 --> 00:02:10,193
You know what? Julie is right.
50
00:02:10,263 --> 00:02:12,561
We are gonna march over there confidently,
51
00:02:12,632 --> 00:02:15,499
and Damona is going to say something.
52
00:02:16,302 --> 00:02:18,361
Right there,
concierge is standing there.
53
00:02:18,438 --> 00:02:20,030
I didn't notice at first.
I was there myself to check...
54
00:02:20,106 --> 00:02:21,164
Excuse me, hi.
55
00:02:21,241 --> 00:02:23,471
I know you don't know this,
but we usually sit here.
56
00:02:23,543 --> 00:02:24,567
And who are you?
57
00:02:24,644 --> 00:02:25,702
Family Medicine.
58
00:02:25,778 --> 00:02:27,973
That's my low-sodium soy sauce.
I just leave that there.
59
00:02:28,047 --> 00:02:29,981
That is how much our table this is.
60
00:02:30,383 --> 00:02:31,680
Really enjoyed the chat.
61
00:02:31,751 --> 00:02:32,877
Now leave us alone.
62
00:02:32,952 --> 00:02:35,011
And that's how I met Stephen Dorff.
63
00:02:35,421 --> 00:02:38,015
Uh, excuse me,
but I don't think you heard me.
64
00:02:38,091 --> 00:02:40,252
I said this is our table.
65
00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:41,652
Oh, I heard you.
66
00:02:41,928 --> 00:02:43,828
So, what color Tesla
do you think I should get?
67
00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:47,463
Okay, well, can I at least get
my low sodium soy sauce back?
68
00:02:47,534 --> 00:02:48,558
- This soy sauce?
- Yeah.
69
00:02:48,635 --> 00:02:49,624
- Right here?
- Right there.
70
00:02:49,702 --> 00:02:50,691
- Sure.
- Thank you.
71
00:02:52,906 --> 00:02:54,430
Your pastry!
72
00:02:54,507 --> 00:02:57,203
No, he did not do that to your pastry!
73
00:03:00,547 --> 00:03:02,208
No. No.
74
00:03:11,658 --> 00:03:14,320
Oh, D.K. Unannounced.
75
00:03:15,094 --> 00:03:16,561
Not unannounced.
76
00:03:16,629 --> 00:03:17,891
I rang doorbell.
77
00:03:18,264 --> 00:03:19,731
Melon ripe. In season.
78
00:03:19,799 --> 00:03:21,926
Oh, good, another box of unwanted fruit.
79
00:03:22,001 --> 00:03:23,298
And is it super heavy?
80
00:03:24,237 --> 00:03:25,534
Perfect.
81
00:03:26,539 --> 00:03:27,699
Hey, Dad.
82
00:03:27,774 --> 00:03:29,435
Oh, we don't need those.
83
00:03:29,642 --> 00:03:30,973
Oh, you say that now,
84
00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:34,070
but when melon hunger hits,
best to have melon.
85
00:03:34,147 --> 00:03:35,409
So wise, Papa.
86
00:03:36,583 --> 00:03:38,983
Well, we got to get to the Laugh Factory.
87
00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:41,020
Doug usually only gets like five minutes.
88
00:03:41,087 --> 00:03:42,111
That's right.
89
00:03:42,188 --> 00:03:44,622
We missed him last time
because someone refused to valet park.
90
00:03:44,691 --> 00:03:47,387
Oh, sure, $20 cover and valet?
91
00:03:47,460 --> 00:03:49,257
Hey, why don't we buy a tiger
while we're at it?
92
00:03:49,329 --> 00:03:50,626
We'll live like rappers.
93
00:03:52,031 --> 00:03:55,330
Mom, Dad, there's this new video game
that everyone has.
94
00:03:55,668 --> 00:03:58,000
If you really want me
to fit in like you claim to,
95
00:03:58,071 --> 00:03:59,538
I need it immediately.
96
00:04:00,273 --> 00:04:02,434
Dave, you don't need
another violent video game.
97
00:04:02,809 --> 00:04:04,868
But Bloodlust is educational.
98
00:04:04,944 --> 00:04:06,605
It's like an anatomy lesson.
99
00:04:06,679 --> 00:04:09,375
When you win a sword fight,
your victim is cut wide open.
100
00:04:09,449 --> 00:04:11,417
You can see everything.
101
00:04:12,518 --> 00:04:13,780
You want to take this one?
102
00:04:13,853 --> 00:04:14,979
Fine.
103
00:04:15,321 --> 00:04:16,754
You'll have it by tomorrow.
104
00:04:16,823 --> 00:04:18,256
- No.
- No!
105
00:04:18,324 --> 00:04:20,019
What's wrong with you, Dave?
106
00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:21,219
Geez.
107
00:04:26,532 --> 00:04:27,965
You don't need video game.
108
00:04:28,034 --> 00:04:29,399
You need exercise.
109
00:04:29,469 --> 00:04:32,097
Kids today just sit on their butts
staring at screens.
110
00:04:32,171 --> 00:04:33,229
You're soft.
111
00:04:33,306 --> 00:04:34,671
He's not wrong.
112
00:04:36,509 --> 00:04:37,976
I'll make a deal.
113
00:04:38,044 --> 00:04:40,376
I'll buy you that inappropriate video game
114
00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:42,973
if you can do more pushups than me
by next week.
115
00:04:43,349 --> 00:04:46,341
Can you do more than zero?
That's his personal best.
116
00:04:46,619 --> 00:04:48,780
Yeah, and that's when I was working out.
117
00:04:53,993 --> 00:04:56,223
See, Allison? No valet. Not so bad.
118
00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:58,662
Yeah. I really enjoyed
the eight block walk uphill.
119
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,632
Well, thanks for dropping me off in front.
120
00:05:02,969 --> 00:05:05,403
Hey, Parks. Thanks for saving me a seat.
121
00:05:05,738 --> 00:05:06,932
We didn't.
122
00:05:07,006 --> 00:05:08,098
So...
123
00:05:09,175 --> 00:05:13,271
I did a little light Googling on your friend,
and, uh, apparently he is blowing up.
124
00:05:13,346 --> 00:05:15,280
Yeah, just recorded
a one-hour comedy special
125
00:05:15,782 --> 00:05:19,377
and posted a scathing review
of a carpet store on Yelp.
126
00:05:20,453 --> 00:05:21,613
That's light Googling?
127
00:05:21,688 --> 00:05:22,882
Well, for me, yeah.
128
00:05:22,955 --> 00:05:25,617
When I go deep,
I can tell you a guy's shoe size,
129
00:05:25,692 --> 00:05:27,091
little miss seven and a half.
130
00:05:28,928 --> 00:05:30,452
Switch seats with me.
131
00:05:34,867 --> 00:05:36,300
Okay, ladies and gentlemen.
132
00:05:36,369 --> 00:05:40,271
The Laugh Factory's proud to present
one of Variety's top 10 comics to watch.
133
00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:43,332
You'll see him on Jimmy Kimmel next week.
He's here for you right now.
134
00:05:43,409 --> 00:05:45,969
How about a big hand for Mr. Doug Miller!
135
00:05:49,849 --> 00:05:51,248
Hey, everybody!
136
00:05:51,784 --> 00:05:54,014
Thanks for coming out. What's up, cutie?
137
00:05:54,087 --> 00:05:55,850
Thanks for sitting in the front row.
138
00:05:55,922 --> 00:05:57,549
You brought your Uber driver, great.
139
00:05:59,392 --> 00:06:00,950
This girl asked me out the other day.
140
00:06:01,027 --> 00:06:03,825
She told me she was an actress
in porno movies.
141
00:06:03,896 --> 00:06:06,490
So, I was like, "All right,
well, when do you want to go out?"
142
00:06:06,566 --> 00:06:09,262
She goes,
"Well, I'm working Tuesday and Wednesday.
143
00:06:09,335 --> 00:06:10,700
"How about Thursday?
144
00:06:11,104 --> 00:06:13,834
"Uh... How about Monday?"
145
00:06:16,042 --> 00:06:18,067
Yeah, he's been doing that joke forever.
146
00:06:18,478 --> 00:06:20,742
I'm sorry.
Am I interrupting your conversation?
147
00:06:20,813 --> 00:06:21,973
Oh, no, no, sorry.
148
00:06:22,048 --> 00:06:25,211
No, no, he was just telling me
you've been doing that joke forever.
149
00:06:25,284 --> 00:06:26,376
Oh.
150
00:06:26,452 --> 00:06:27,646
I liked it, though.
151
00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:29,415
And Monday was the right call.
152
00:06:31,090 --> 00:06:33,615
Folks, this is actually
my buddy Ken from Duke.
153
00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:35,884
You should've seen this guy in college.
154
00:06:35,962 --> 00:06:37,793
He really cleaned up with the sorority girls.
155
00:06:38,331 --> 00:06:41,664
Yeah, his work-study job,
he was janitor for Tri Delt.
156
00:06:44,370 --> 00:06:46,838
I'm laughing. I'm thinking.
I'm having a great time.
157
00:06:48,374 --> 00:06:51,002
You know what?
Every year, Ken made Dean's list.
158
00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:52,305
- Oh.
- That's true.
159
00:06:52,378 --> 00:06:55,176
Yeah. Dean was our buddy
who made a list of all the virgins.
160
00:07:00,553 --> 00:07:05,149
In fact, Ken's major was virginity
with a minor in never losing it.
161
00:07:06,826 --> 00:07:08,623
No, it was Biochemistry.
162
00:07:09,228 --> 00:07:10,490
I don't get that.
163
00:07:11,664 --> 00:07:13,131
Ken, it's great to see you.
164
00:07:13,199 --> 00:07:15,224
You have a beautiful family, too.
165
00:07:15,301 --> 00:07:19,032
Lovely children
and a wife who insists they're your kids.
166
00:07:19,105 --> 00:07:20,129
I don't know.
167
00:07:23,009 --> 00:07:25,034
Hey, both of our kids are a product
168
00:07:25,111 --> 00:07:28,547
of the amazing sex
I had with this lady right here.
169
00:07:30,383 --> 00:07:31,645
Switch seats with me.
170
00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:37,000
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
171
00:07:38,758 --> 00:07:41,386
I had no idea he was doing so well.
172
00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:43,395
Did you know back at Duke,
I was the funny one?
173
00:07:43,763 --> 00:07:45,025
Yeah, it's come up.
174
00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:50,525
I'm sorry, but if he can do it...
175
00:07:50,837 --> 00:07:52,202
Why didn't you ever try it?
176
00:07:52,271 --> 00:07:53,602
I almost did.
177
00:07:53,673 --> 00:07:56,801
I mean, there's this bar at Duke
where Doug was doing open mikes.
178
00:07:56,876 --> 00:07:58,639
I signed up, but when I told my dad about it,
179
00:07:58,711 --> 00:08:01,077
- he was like...
- "Oh, you no Steven Wright.
180
00:08:01,147 --> 00:08:03,240
"You Steven Wrong.
181
00:08:03,316 --> 00:08:05,011
"Oh, there's joke for you, joke boy.
182
00:08:05,084 --> 00:08:06,608
"Now back to library."
183
00:08:07,620 --> 00:08:10,555
Well, there's no reason
you can't give it a shot now.
184
00:08:11,023 --> 00:08:12,115
Think so?
185
00:08:12,191 --> 00:08:13,920
Go try an open mike.
186
00:08:13,993 --> 00:08:16,757
Wouldn't that be better
than wondering what if the rest of your life?
187
00:08:16,829 --> 00:08:18,057
I don't think so, Al.
188
00:08:18,130 --> 00:08:20,291
I've gotten pretty cozy with what if.
189
00:08:21,100 --> 00:08:23,625
But I've always had this idea
that I could get up there
190
00:08:23,703 --> 00:08:25,102
and do it, but...
191
00:08:25,171 --> 00:08:28,004
If I can't, then the dream is gone.
192
00:08:28,407 --> 00:08:30,068
Or what if you can?
193
00:08:34,013 --> 00:08:36,311
That'd be pretty cool, Allison.
194
00:08:38,284 --> 00:08:40,844
You know what? I think I'm gonna do it.
195
00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:42,319
Yeah, you are!
196
00:08:42,889 --> 00:08:44,982
Oh, so exciting.
197
00:08:45,057 --> 00:08:46,854
Wait, you sure
you don't want to call your daddy first
198
00:08:46,926 --> 00:08:48,154
and ask permission?
199
00:08:48,227 --> 00:08:49,694
- It's ringing.
- I was kidding.
200
00:08:49,762 --> 00:08:51,127
Oh, oh, so was I.
201
00:09:06,746 --> 00:09:10,182
Molly, do you happen to know
where I can find any steroids?
202
00:09:10,783 --> 00:09:11,875
What?
203
00:09:11,951 --> 00:09:15,011
Zero pushups is hard enough,
but one is impossible.
204
00:09:16,355 --> 00:09:19,051
"Well, you'll get there,"
she said, not meaning it at all.
205
00:09:20,860 --> 00:09:22,122
Wait, can you train me?
206
00:09:22,194 --> 00:09:24,094
Dave, pushups are like riding a bike.
207
00:09:24,163 --> 00:09:26,290
You'll never be able to do either of them.
208
00:09:27,366 --> 00:09:29,630
Oh, yeah?
If you don't help me, I'll tell Mom and Dad
209
00:09:29,702 --> 00:09:31,761
about the fake ID I saw in your purse.
210
00:09:32,471 --> 00:09:33,597
You're bluffing.
211
00:09:33,673 --> 00:09:35,641
Am I, Madonna Bronkowitz?
212
00:09:37,076 --> 00:09:38,566
It's Burkowitz, okay?
213
00:09:38,644 --> 00:09:40,339
If I'm gonna help you, get my name right.
214
00:09:42,648 --> 00:09:43,774
Hey, guys.
215
00:09:43,849 --> 00:09:45,840
Guess what
your dad's gonna do Tuesday night.
216
00:09:45,918 --> 00:09:48,148
Finally spend some quality time with us?
217
00:09:48,788 --> 00:09:50,278
Nope. Mol, any guesses?
218
00:09:50,623 --> 00:09:53,353
Something purely for you
that inflates your ego?
219
00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:55,986
Oh, so close!
220
00:09:56,696 --> 00:09:58,220
I'll just say it.
221
00:09:58,297 --> 00:10:00,765
I'm gonna try standup.
222
00:10:03,202 --> 00:10:04,669
That's right!
223
00:10:04,737 --> 00:10:07,262
Your dad's gonna prove
he's not just funny around the house.
224
00:10:07,340 --> 00:10:10,070
Like when he slammed
the cabinet door on his thumb.
225
00:10:10,142 --> 00:10:11,939
Yeah.
226
00:10:12,244 --> 00:10:15,338
Okay, you know what?
Just for that, neither of you are going.
227
00:10:15,414 --> 00:10:17,245
Well, they can't go anyway. They're not 21.
228
00:10:17,316 --> 00:10:20,308
Yeah, and it's not like either of us
has a fake ID in our purse.
229
00:10:22,054 --> 00:10:25,080
Oh, Dave, you're so funny.
Let's get out of here.
230
00:10:25,157 --> 00:10:26,784
Stop right there, young lady.
231
00:10:27,159 --> 00:10:29,457
And just why do you think Dave's so funny?
232
00:10:30,429 --> 00:10:31,589
Because he got it from you?
233
00:10:31,664 --> 00:10:33,689
Exactly. Now go have fun.
234
00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:35,365
Oh, and don't forget your purse.
235
00:10:35,434 --> 00:10:36,799
Oh.
236
00:10:45,311 --> 00:10:47,541
Guys, guess what I'm doing Tuesday night.
237
00:10:47,613 --> 00:10:50,241
Oh, finally taking me to dinner
for my birthday like you've been promising?
238
00:10:50,316 --> 00:10:51,806
Nope. Anyone else?
239
00:10:51,884 --> 00:10:54,444
Something completely about yourself
that you're gonna drag us into?
240
00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:56,420
Oh, you're so close!
241
00:10:56,989 --> 00:10:59,014
All right, I'll just tell you. Um...
242
00:10:59,091 --> 00:11:02,185
I'm finally doing an open mike
at the Laugh Factory.
243
00:11:02,261 --> 00:11:04,388
That's so exciting!
244
00:11:04,463 --> 00:11:07,364
You've been telling us forever
how funny you are.
245
00:11:08,734 --> 00:11:11,134
You're doing an open mike?
Well, I don't know.
246
00:11:11,203 --> 00:11:12,761
Based on what I witnessed
from you the other night,
247
00:11:12,838 --> 00:11:14,396
they might want to call it an open grave.
248
00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:15,829
Thanks, Pat.
249
00:11:15,908 --> 00:11:17,773
You know, 'cause you're gonna die up there.
250
00:11:17,843 --> 00:11:21,176
- Got it.
- Because you are not funny.
251
00:11:23,149 --> 00:11:25,049
Oh, he's funny.
252
00:11:25,117 --> 00:11:26,516
Come on, little man. Give us a taste.
253
00:11:26,585 --> 00:11:28,052
Okay. Okay.
254
00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:30,111
I just came up with this one.
Okay.
255
00:11:30,189 --> 00:11:31,315
Uh...
256
00:11:31,390 --> 00:11:36,259
Oh, you see a lot of Asian doctors,
but I've never seen an Asian veterinarian.
257
00:11:36,328 --> 00:11:38,159
Not gonna happen.
258
00:11:38,230 --> 00:11:41,358
"Oh, I'm so sorry.
Your doggie not make it."
259
00:11:45,137 --> 00:11:47,230
Are you implying that he ate the dog?
260
00:11:47,306 --> 00:11:50,503
Oh, no, no, no. I'm not implying.
I'm saying he ate the dog.
261
00:11:51,077 --> 00:11:54,376
Okay, that is wildly offensive.
262
00:11:54,447 --> 00:11:55,573
Write this down.
263
00:11:56,215 --> 00:11:58,479
Not funny at all.
264
00:11:59,418 --> 00:12:01,511
- Horrifying.
- Aggressively racist.
265
00:12:01,587 --> 00:12:04,556
Laugh Factory?
More like Setting Your People Back Factory.
266
00:12:06,125 --> 00:12:07,752
See, Ken, it's not so hard.
267
00:12:09,995 --> 00:12:13,055
Okay, you guys,
this is really constructive feedback.
268
00:12:13,132 --> 00:12:14,997
I've got it now, and I'm gonna run with it.
269
00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:16,295
- So thank you.
- All right. Good.
270
00:12:16,368 --> 00:12:17,767
Actually, if it was a cat instead...
271
00:12:17,837 --> 00:12:19,134
- No! Oh, my God!
- No!
272
00:12:19,205 --> 00:12:20,968
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Back to work, then.
273
00:12:24,810 --> 00:12:26,675
People. Hear ye.
274
00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:29,146
The cafeteria wars will soon be over,
275
00:12:29,215 --> 00:12:32,707
and those surgeons will be
waving the white flag of surrender.
276
00:12:33,452 --> 00:12:35,443
What in the hell are you talking about?
277
00:12:36,555 --> 00:12:39,854
Sorry, I've been kind of bingeing
on Game of Thrones.
278
00:12:39,925 --> 00:12:43,588
Anyhoo, I took the bolts off the table.
279
00:12:43,662 --> 00:12:46,563
And as soon as those smug bastards
put any weight on it,
280
00:12:46,632 --> 00:12:50,363
that thing is gonna come crashing down
like a satellite on Damona's grandma.
281
00:12:51,837 --> 00:12:55,000
Well, Clark, you know,
we're not up here because of the surgeons.
282
00:12:55,074 --> 00:12:57,668
Pediatrics is using the cafeteria.
They're throwing the kids a party.
283
00:12:59,345 --> 00:13:01,245
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no...
284
00:13:01,313 --> 00:13:02,837
No!
285
00:13:10,523 --> 00:13:13,686
I thought the balloons...
Would break my fall.
286
00:13:17,997 --> 00:13:20,465
One, two, three.
287
00:13:20,533 --> 00:13:21,830
You've got this, Dave.
288
00:13:21,901 --> 00:13:23,391
Four, five.
289
00:13:23,469 --> 00:13:25,334
You're gonna get that video game!
290
00:13:25,671 --> 00:13:27,969
Six and...
291
00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:29,200
Seven pushups!
292
00:13:29,275 --> 00:13:30,833
Great job, Dave!
293
00:13:33,179 --> 00:13:35,010
So, that's what it's gonna sound like
on my end.
294
00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:41,245
Kids, Dad says he has something
important to talk to us about.
295
00:13:41,787 --> 00:13:44,278
Thanks, Al. Now, listen up, guys.
This affects all of us.
296
00:13:45,391 --> 00:13:47,291
I was working on some material
that I realize might be
297
00:13:47,359 --> 00:13:51,352
offensive to Asians, animals, and Julie,
who had to take a half day,
298
00:13:51,430 --> 00:13:55,628
so I broke out some of the stuff I use
when I host the HMO banquet.
299
00:13:57,269 --> 00:14:00,102
You know what some lazy nurses do
on their day off?
300
00:14:00,172 --> 00:14:02,402
Same thing they do on their day on.
301
00:14:06,779 --> 00:14:08,337
You know, 'cause they're lazy.
302
00:14:12,351 --> 00:14:15,252
Now that I understand it, I love it!
303
00:14:17,022 --> 00:14:18,114
Nurses.
304
00:14:22,228 --> 00:14:24,321
Pap smear. Uh...
305
00:14:24,930 --> 00:14:26,397
Pap smear.
306
00:14:26,732 --> 00:14:29,064
Pap smear campaign.
307
00:14:29,134 --> 00:14:30,396
No, no, no, no. Too political.
308
00:14:31,604 --> 00:14:32,935
Ken, come to bed.
309
00:14:33,005 --> 00:14:35,838
I appreciate the offer, Al,
but I'm not feeling it right now.
310
00:14:35,908 --> 00:14:37,239
Hit you back double this weekend.
311
00:14:38,944 --> 00:14:41,640
I meant come to sleep.
It's 2:00 in the morning.
312
00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:44,649
I can't. The open mike's tomorrow,
and I've got nothing.
313
00:14:44,717 --> 00:14:46,480
Okay, let me help you.
314
00:14:46,552 --> 00:14:47,849
Um...
315
00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:49,319
Oh, here's something.
316
00:14:49,388 --> 00:14:51,185
You know how there's a backup camera
on our car?
317
00:14:51,257 --> 00:14:53,452
- Yeah?
- Why don't you do something with that?
318
00:14:57,763 --> 00:15:00,197
Thanks, Al. That's great.
319
00:15:00,266 --> 00:15:02,826
Yeah. Oh, hello? Comedy Hall of Fame?
320
00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:04,733
Yeah, it's Ken Park. Clear some space.
321
00:15:04,803 --> 00:15:07,294
I got this monster backup camera bit.
322
00:15:08,540 --> 00:15:10,201
Okay, you don't have to be nasty about it.
323
00:15:10,709 --> 00:15:12,904
I'm sorry. I'm just freaking out.
324
00:15:13,646 --> 00:15:15,113
I'm gonna suck.
325
00:15:18,384 --> 00:15:19,874
I'm not gonna do this.
326
00:15:19,952 --> 00:15:21,249
No.
327
00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:25,518
I know you, Ken, and if you back out now,
it'll eat at you for the rest of your life.
328
00:15:26,125 --> 00:15:28,559
And you know what? You can do this.
329
00:15:29,128 --> 00:15:30,561
And you're gonna be great.
330
00:15:30,629 --> 00:15:32,324
Just don't overthink it.
331
00:15:32,865 --> 00:15:34,230
Be yourself.
332
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:36,659
You're the funniest person I know.
333
00:15:36,735 --> 00:15:37,929
That's why I married you.
334
00:15:40,039 --> 00:15:41,301
Thanks, honey.
335
00:15:45,144 --> 00:15:46,736
Backup cameras. Just saying.
336
00:15:53,986 --> 00:15:55,613
All right, Dave, you can do this.
337
00:15:55,688 --> 00:15:57,588
Just remember what we talked about.
338
00:15:57,656 --> 00:16:00,352
Tighten your core, breathe,
and try not to poop again.
339
00:16:00,426 --> 00:16:01,825
No promises, Mol.
340
00:16:07,433 --> 00:16:08,798
One!
341
00:16:08,867 --> 00:16:10,994
Dave, that's a new personal best!
342
00:16:13,706 --> 00:16:15,037
Two!
343
00:16:15,107 --> 00:16:17,166
You're playing with house money now.
344
00:16:22,581 --> 00:16:24,208
Okay, two. Not bad.
345
00:16:24,616 --> 00:16:26,243
Okay, my turn.
346
00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:31,114
One, two, three.
347
00:16:32,257 --> 00:16:33,849
Three to two. You lose.
348
00:16:34,426 --> 00:16:36,223
Darn. Now I just have to make do
349
00:16:36,295 --> 00:16:38,923
with the many violent video games
I already own.
350
00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:41,023
I am so over Zombie Pimp.
351
00:16:42,167 --> 00:16:44,692
Okay, double or nothing.
352
00:16:45,371 --> 00:16:47,771
I'll give you two video games
if you can beat me
353
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,171
in the 100 yard dash next week.
354
00:16:49,241 --> 00:16:50,503
Seriously?
355
00:16:50,576 --> 00:16:52,771
Two video games for 100 yards?
356
00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:54,437
You're on, sucker!
357
00:16:54,513 --> 00:16:56,413
I'm gonna go ice my pecs.
358
00:16:59,084 --> 00:17:01,075
Way to trick him, Grandpa.
359
00:17:01,153 --> 00:17:02,518
Not tricking.
360
00:17:02,588 --> 00:17:03,816
Motivating.
361
00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:06,381
Respect.
362
00:17:06,458 --> 00:17:08,483
Now I got to figure out
how to train him to run.
363
00:17:09,928 --> 00:17:11,953
Ice cream truck!
364
00:17:22,641 --> 00:17:24,131
I'm so worried for Ken.
365
00:17:24,209 --> 00:17:25,540
He'll be fine.
366
00:17:25,611 --> 00:17:27,272
Ken got sense of humor from me.
367
00:17:28,580 --> 00:17:29,740
You all ready, buddy?
368
00:17:29,815 --> 00:17:31,908
- What are you doing here?
- I'm emceeing.
369
00:17:31,984 --> 00:17:34,953
I had to be here for you, pal.
You're gonna do great.
370
00:17:35,020 --> 00:17:36,180
You really think so?
371
00:17:36,255 --> 00:17:38,018
No. But here we go.
372
00:17:39,925 --> 00:17:42,393
Welcome to the Laugh Factory open mike,
everybody!
373
00:17:45,631 --> 00:17:46,655
Yes!
374
00:17:46,732 --> 00:17:49,360
You're gonna see
some amazing talent tonight.
375
00:17:49,435 --> 00:17:52,370
But first, here's my pal Ken Park!
376
00:17:55,007 --> 00:17:56,634
Have fun.
377
00:17:59,211 --> 00:18:01,543
Hey. What up, Laugh Factory?
378
00:18:04,450 --> 00:18:05,815
Make some noise!
379
00:18:07,786 --> 00:18:10,084
Let's get this party started!
380
00:18:14,726 --> 00:18:18,492
Okay, uh, so, uh, you guys like impressions?
381
00:18:18,564 --> 00:18:19,895
Okay, here's a classic.
382
00:18:19,965 --> 00:18:22,058
Korean Johnny Carson.
383
00:18:22,968 --> 00:18:27,530
"Is that a, uh, John Wayne Bobbitt..."
384
00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:36,404
John Wayne Bobbitt?
385
00:18:36,482 --> 00:18:38,677
His wife chopped off his jaji?
386
00:18:39,518 --> 00:18:41,952
Oh, come on! That's funny!
387
00:18:42,387 --> 00:18:44,446
"Jaji" means "penis."
388
00:18:46,992 --> 00:18:48,482
Um...
389
00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:52,155
Uh, so, uh, you see a lot of Asian doctors.
390
00:18:52,231 --> 00:18:54,131
But I've never seen an Asian veterinarian.
391
00:18:54,199 --> 00:18:55,257
- No!
- Okay.
392
00:19:02,441 --> 00:19:03,601
Backup cameras.
393
00:19:03,675 --> 00:19:05,370
What's up with them, huh?
394
00:19:06,912 --> 00:19:08,573
You ever run over your kids and think,
395
00:19:08,647 --> 00:19:11,241
"Hey, I wish I had a home movie of that?"
Oh, God, no.
396
00:19:14,419 --> 00:19:16,182
What am I even doing up here?
397
00:19:16,255 --> 00:19:17,552
I'm a doctor.
398
00:19:17,623 --> 00:19:20,353
No matter what happens,
I got to wake up tomorrow morning
399
00:19:20,425 --> 00:19:21,653
and cradle some scrotums.
400
00:19:25,197 --> 00:19:26,459
And tomorrow's my day off.
401
00:19:29,868 --> 00:19:31,267
Oh, my God, I just made that up!
402
00:19:31,336 --> 00:19:34,601
Okay, um...
Okay, well, yeah... It's true.
403
00:19:34,673 --> 00:19:38,165
I'm a doctor.
Yeah, yeah, my parents Korean'd me into it.
404
00:19:38,243 --> 00:19:39,904
Know what I'm saying?
405
00:19:40,445 --> 00:19:43,312
Yeah, it's not like
my parents forced me into doing this stuff.
406
00:19:43,382 --> 00:19:46,112
It's not like I went up to my dad and said,
"Gee, Papa, when I grow up,
407
00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:47,914
"I want to be a doctor and save lives."
408
00:19:47,986 --> 00:19:49,886
"No, no. You tell joke!"
409
00:19:51,790 --> 00:19:53,553
I would never say that.
410
00:19:56,028 --> 00:19:58,622
It was really easy for me
to get in med school.
411
00:19:58,697 --> 00:20:01,598
I mean... I mean, look at me.
It's like my birthright.
412
00:20:01,667 --> 00:20:02,861
Here was my interview.
413
00:20:02,935 --> 00:20:04,698
"So, Ken, tell me about yourself."
414
00:20:04,770 --> 00:20:07,238
"Well, I'm Korean."
"Stop! Congratulations. You're in."
415
00:20:07,306 --> 00:20:09,274
That's it. That's it.
416
00:20:20,385 --> 00:20:21,875
Dad, you were awesome.
417
00:20:23,021 --> 00:20:24,750
He was amazing.
418
00:20:24,823 --> 00:20:27,314
And I knew you would be. You're welcome.
419
00:20:31,563 --> 00:20:32,860
What's that?
420
00:20:32,931 --> 00:20:36,196
It's Jamie Masada,
owner of the Laugh Factory.
421
00:20:36,268 --> 00:20:38,133
He says he wants to manage me.
422
00:20:39,438 --> 00:20:41,702
So, are you gonna do this?
423
00:20:42,374 --> 00:20:45,468
Nah. I just wanted to prove
I could do standup, that's all.
424
00:20:46,178 --> 00:20:47,805
You know, you were really good.
425
00:20:47,879 --> 00:20:49,676
Great even, but come on.
426
00:20:50,415 --> 00:20:51,541
What am I gonna do,
427
00:20:51,617 --> 00:20:54,142
give up being a doctor
and become a comedian?
428
00:20:54,620 --> 00:20:56,611
That is pretty ridiculous.
429
00:20:56,922 --> 00:20:58,150
"No more medicine for me.
430
00:20:58,223 --> 00:21:01,522
"I'm gonna... I'm gonna hit the road
and perform at the Funny Bone in El Paso."
431
00:21:03,061 --> 00:21:05,052
Hey, maybe they'll put you in movies.
432
00:21:06,898 --> 00:21:08,388
Or your own TV show.
433
00:21:10,135 --> 00:21:11,568
I guess you guys are right.
434
00:21:11,637 --> 00:21:13,195
That's full-on crazy.
435
00:21:15,707 --> 00:21:17,834
"I'm just gonna
throw my medical degree in the street."
436
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:25,000
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll