1
00:00:02,133 --> 00:00:04,801
(grunting, glass breaking)
2
00:00:04,803 --> 00:00:07,036
Officers responding for backup,
arriving at the scene.
3
00:00:08,573 --> 00:00:11,208
All right, all right,
stand down.
4
00:00:11,209 --> 00:00:12,409
We got this covered.
5
00:00:12,410 --> 00:00:14,078
This is why you two boys
called for immediate backup?
6
00:00:14,079 --> 00:00:16,246
Two adorable ladies
having a pillow fight?
7
00:00:16,247 --> 00:00:17,314
OFFICER: Hey, you weren't here.
8
00:00:17,315 --> 00:00:19,283
It was like Ali-Frazier,
9
00:00:19,284 --> 00:00:22,653
if Ali cheated on Frazier
with the UPS girl.
10
00:00:22,654 --> 00:00:24,855
What? These two little peanuts?
11
00:00:24,856 --> 00:00:26,390
Aw. Who won?
12
00:00:26,391 --> 00:00:27,958
Polly Pocket
or Strawberry Shortcake?
13
00:00:27,959 --> 00:00:29,459
You want some, too, bitch?!
14
00:00:30,295 --> 00:00:33,029
Man, control your suspect!
15
00:00:33,031 --> 00:00:35,131
All right, get 'em out of here.
We'll secure the area.
16
00:00:35,133 --> 00:00:37,267
Uh, you sure you two can
handle an empty apartment?
17
00:00:37,268 --> 00:00:39,336
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You heard him, Ramirez.
18
00:00:39,337 --> 00:00:42,004
Housekeeping will
take it from here.
19
00:00:43,174 --> 00:00:44,141
Hey, hey!
20
00:00:44,142 --> 00:00:46,176
Put some mints on the pillow.
21
00:00:46,177 --> 00:00:47,410
(laughing)
22
00:00:47,412 --> 00:00:49,079
You know, I am getting
a little sick
23
00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:51,614
of Seely always acting like
he's better than us. Yeah.
24
00:00:51,616 --> 00:00:53,417
I mean, just 'cause you get
a commendation from the mayor
25
00:00:53,418 --> 00:00:54,685
and back-to-back
marksmanship awards
26
00:00:54,686 --> 00:00:56,220
doesn't mean
you're a better cop.
27
00:00:56,221 --> 00:00:58,721
It kind of does.
28
00:00:59,624 --> 00:01:01,824
(whimpering, growling sound)
29
00:01:02,761 --> 00:01:04,695
Is that your stomach?
30
00:01:04,696 --> 00:01:07,197
I don't know.
31
00:01:07,198 --> 00:01:09,400
(whimpering sound)
32
00:01:09,401 --> 00:01:11,802
Still can't tell.
33
00:01:11,803 --> 00:01:14,070
Shh. I think it's coming
from that closet.
34
00:01:19,711 --> 00:01:21,678
I'll be damned.
35
00:01:21,679 --> 00:01:24,247
I always thought
lesbians were cat people.
36
00:01:26,818 --> 00:01:29,620
♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪
37
00:01:29,621 --> 00:01:32,556
♪ La,
la-ba-dee-da ♪
38
00:01:32,557 --> 00:01:35,993
♪ For the first time
in my life ♪
39
00:01:35,994 --> 00:01:37,227
♪ I see love ♪
40
00:01:37,228 --> 00:01:39,663
♪ I see love ♪
41
00:01:39,664 --> 00:01:42,466
♪ For the first time
in my life ♪
42
00:01:42,467 --> 00:01:44,015
♪ I see love ♪
43
00:01:44,016 --> 00:01:48,016
Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.addic7ed.com/
44
00:01:56,258 --> 00:02:00,293
Who put this dribble of milk
back in the fridge?
45
00:02:00,295 --> 00:02:01,295
Don't look at me.
46
00:02:01,296 --> 00:02:03,998
I'm off White Russians.
47
00:02:03,999 --> 00:02:07,135
I'm sorry, I can't stand
jug-bottom milk.
48
00:02:07,136 --> 00:02:08,636
Same with the heels
of the bread.
49
00:02:08,637 --> 00:02:10,971
They're nothing
but the ass cheeks of the loaf.
50
00:02:12,107 --> 00:02:14,709
Aw, my baby's got
a picky tummy.
51
00:02:14,710 --> 00:02:15,709
Oh! Joyce, please.
52
00:02:15,711 --> 00:02:18,478
I'm full of milk.
53
00:02:20,649 --> 00:02:23,350
The saddest thing
happened at work today.
54
00:02:23,352 --> 00:02:24,619
Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.
55
00:02:24,620 --> 00:02:28,088
Would a thimbleful of milk
help you?
56
00:02:28,090 --> 00:02:29,557
Unfortunately, no.
57
00:02:29,558 --> 00:02:31,926
There was a domestic disturbance
58
00:02:31,927 --> 00:02:34,295
and both parties ended up
getting taken into custody,
59
00:02:34,296 --> 00:02:36,931
and the cutest little dog
you have ever seen
60
00:02:36,932 --> 00:02:38,165
got left behind.
61
00:02:38,167 --> 00:02:40,734
Aw. Aw.
I don't like where this is going.
62
00:02:42,471 --> 00:02:44,038
I know how you feel
about dogs, Joyce,
63
00:02:44,039 --> 00:02:46,106
so I took her to the shelter
and left her there.
64
00:02:46,108 --> 00:02:47,240
Poor thing.
65
00:02:47,242 --> 00:02:48,476
Yeah.
66
00:02:48,477 --> 00:02:50,343
(whimpering sound)
67
00:02:50,345 --> 00:02:52,446
That better be your stomach.
68
00:02:52,448 --> 00:02:55,182
Did I mention that this story
has a happy ending?
69
00:02:55,184 --> 00:02:57,217
Oh!
I had to go back
70
00:02:57,219 --> 00:02:58,386
and get her.
71
00:02:58,387 --> 00:02:59,920
Look at that face.
72
00:02:59,922 --> 00:03:01,588
Look at this face. No.
73
00:03:03,225 --> 00:03:04,791
I don't want a dog
in this house.
74
00:03:04,793 --> 00:03:06,194
Come on, it's just
for a couple of days
75
00:03:06,195 --> 00:03:07,561
until her mommies post bail.
76
00:03:07,563 --> 00:03:09,097
And they had
outstanding warrants
77
00:03:09,098 --> 00:03:10,798
for receiving stolen property,
didn't they?
78
00:03:10,799 --> 00:03:12,699
Yes, they did.
79
00:03:12,701 --> 00:03:14,402
Oh, what a sweet
little princess.
80
00:03:14,403 --> 00:03:15,402
Do you know her name?
81
00:03:15,404 --> 00:03:16,404
Birdie.
82
00:03:16,405 --> 00:03:18,105
Oh! Hello, Birdie.
83
00:03:18,107 --> 00:03:19,072
(barks sharply)
84
00:03:19,074 --> 00:03:20,775
Oh. (laughs nervously)
85
00:03:20,776 --> 00:03:22,309
Well, maybe
she doesn't like women.
86
00:03:22,311 --> 00:03:23,910
She has two moms.
87
00:03:24,880 --> 00:03:26,848
Joyce, can we keep the dog,
please?
88
00:03:26,849 --> 00:03:28,448
We'll walk her,
we'll feed her,
89
00:03:28,450 --> 00:03:29,784
and if she craps in the yard,
90
00:03:29,785 --> 00:03:32,285
I'll flick it over the fence
to the neighbor's.
91
00:03:32,287 --> 00:03:33,621
Hey, she won't be any trouble.
92
00:03:33,622 --> 00:03:34,622
I promise.
93
00:03:34,623 --> 00:03:35,722
Pretty please...
94
00:03:35,724 --> 00:03:37,158
Oh, all right.
95
00:03:37,159 --> 00:03:39,227
But I don't want to see it,
I don't want to smell it,
96
00:03:39,228 --> 00:03:40,595
and keep her off
of the furniture.
97
00:03:40,596 --> 00:03:42,529
Same deal I had when
she brought you home.
98
00:03:43,966 --> 00:03:45,332
I'll make her up a little bed.
99
00:03:45,334 --> 00:03:46,667
Uh, I got one out in the car.
100
00:03:46,668 --> 00:03:48,568
Come on.
101
00:03:48,570 --> 00:03:49,971
You know what I think?
102
00:03:49,972 --> 00:03:51,438
I think you and I
are gonna be best pals.
103
00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:53,374
Best pals, I can tell already.
104
00:03:53,375 --> 00:03:55,409
You want to go in the kitchen
with me and get some bacon?
105
00:03:55,410 --> 00:03:56,610
Huh?
106
00:03:57,946 --> 00:04:00,080
Let's go into the kitchen
and get some bacon. (gasps)
107
00:04:00,082 --> 00:04:01,281
(baby talk)
108
00:04:01,283 --> 00:04:02,316
Well, that's the kitchen.
109
00:04:02,317 --> 00:04:03,317
You don't know,
110
00:04:03,318 --> 00:04:04,451
but I'm gonna go get you
some bacon.
111
00:04:04,453 --> 00:04:05,820
Okay, Mom, keep an eye on her.
112
00:04:05,821 --> 00:04:07,321
I'm gonna get her some bacon.
113
00:04:07,322 --> 00:04:09,156
She's a little standoffish.
114
00:04:13,629 --> 00:04:15,096
My wine.
115
00:04:15,097 --> 00:04:16,631
My wine!
116
00:04:16,632 --> 00:04:17,831
No...
117
00:04:28,377 --> 00:04:29,610
Oh!
118
00:04:29,611 --> 00:04:30,611
Mike...
119
00:04:30,612 --> 00:04:31,646
What? What happened?
120
00:04:31,647 --> 00:04:32,980
Are you okay, girl?
121
00:04:32,981 --> 00:04:35,016
Your "girl" just kicked me
out of bed.
122
00:04:35,017 --> 00:04:36,516
What is she doing in here?
123
00:04:36,518 --> 00:04:38,486
Oh, I went down to check
on her in her crate,
124
00:04:38,487 --> 00:04:40,221
and I couldn't stand
to see the poor thing
125
00:04:40,222 --> 00:04:42,189
locked up behind bars.
126
00:04:42,191 --> 00:04:44,891
You're a cop, you lock
people up every day.
127
00:04:44,893 --> 00:04:46,160
Yeah, people.
128
00:04:46,161 --> 00:04:49,829
Not pretty girls who like
their bellies rubbed.
129
00:04:49,831 --> 00:04:52,033
If she's gonna stay,
then she's got to move over.
130
00:04:52,034 --> 00:04:52,933
Come on.
131
00:04:52,935 --> 00:04:56,002
Come on, ro... move over.
132
00:04:56,004 --> 00:04:57,872
Come on.
133
00:04:57,873 --> 00:05:00,040
Come...
134
00:05:00,042 --> 00:05:02,243
Come on...
135
00:05:02,244 --> 00:05:04,711
come on...
136
00:05:04,713 --> 00:05:05,813
Seriously?
137
00:05:05,814 --> 00:05:06,814
All right, how about, uh,
138
00:05:06,815 --> 00:05:08,082
I sleep in the middle
139
00:05:08,083 --> 00:05:10,684
and I'll spoon her
and then you spoon me.
140
00:05:10,686 --> 00:05:12,153
All right.
141
00:05:12,154 --> 00:05:14,588
Obviously, she wants
some alone time with you.
142
00:05:14,590 --> 00:05:17,891
Never thought I'd lose you
to somebody named Birdie.
143
00:05:17,893 --> 00:05:20,093
Just for the weekend.
144
00:05:21,263 --> 00:05:23,497
Oh, boy,
somebody has awful breath.
145
00:05:23,498 --> 00:05:27,067
Don't worry. Tomorrow,
you can use my toothbrush.
146
00:05:33,642 --> 00:05:35,009
Oh, look at this one.
147
00:05:35,010 --> 00:05:36,277
She's just sitting on the floor.
148
00:05:36,278 --> 00:05:37,244
Just sitting there.
149
00:05:37,246 --> 00:05:40,114
On the floor.
150
00:05:40,115 --> 00:05:41,281
Isn't that cute?
151
00:05:41,283 --> 00:05:42,984
It's adorable.
152
00:05:42,985 --> 00:05:45,019
Just like the last ten pictures
you showed me,
153
00:05:45,020 --> 00:05:47,520
and the two-minute video of her
drinking out of the toilet.
154
00:05:47,522 --> 00:05:51,225
She opened the lid
and everything, by herself.
155
00:05:51,226 --> 00:05:52,526
This dog is smart, Carl.
156
00:05:52,527 --> 00:05:54,728
Scary smart.
157
00:05:54,730 --> 00:05:56,097
You know, for something
that you got to return
158
00:05:56,098 --> 00:05:57,331
in a couple of days,
don't you think
159
00:05:57,332 --> 00:05:59,200
you might be getting
a little too attached to it?
160
00:05:59,201 --> 00:06:00,134
Okay, first of all,
161
00:06:00,135 --> 00:06:01,569
that "something" has a name.
162
00:06:01,570 --> 00:06:02,569
Birdie.
163
00:06:02,571 --> 00:06:03,903
And yes,
164
00:06:03,905 --> 00:06:05,506
I have fallen hard for her.
165
00:06:05,507 --> 00:06:08,708
So, please, let me just enjoy
what little time we have left.
166
00:06:08,710 --> 00:06:09,844
All right.
167
00:06:09,845 --> 00:06:11,245
I know better
than to get between a man
168
00:06:11,246 --> 00:06:12,612
and someone else's dog.
169
00:06:12,614 --> 00:06:14,882
You know, when Molly and me
finally move into our own place,
170
00:06:14,883 --> 00:06:17,017
the first thing I'm gonna do?
Buy a puppy.
171
00:06:17,019 --> 00:06:18,585
Yeah, well, hopefully
that one won't hate Molly.
172
00:06:18,587 --> 00:06:20,688
I don't know what that is.
173
00:06:20,689 --> 00:06:22,156
Birdie loves everyone.
174
00:06:22,157 --> 00:06:25,592
Even Joyce, who growls every time
the poor pooch walks by.
175
00:06:25,594 --> 00:06:27,495
Well, you know,
dogs are very intuitive.
176
00:06:27,496 --> 00:06:29,063
You know? They can
sense things we can't
177
00:06:29,064 --> 00:06:31,731
and know things about
people... we don't.
178
00:06:34,569 --> 00:06:36,203
What are you trying to say, Carl?
I'm just saying,
179
00:06:36,204 --> 00:06:38,805
how much do we really
know about this Molly?
180
00:06:38,807 --> 00:06:40,908
The only thing she hides
from me are Visa bills.
181
00:06:40,909 --> 00:06:44,110
Unless Birdie can sniff out
bad credit, you're crazy.
182
00:06:44,112 --> 00:06:45,913
All right.
But Birdie's onto something.
183
00:06:45,914 --> 00:06:47,548
You might have married yourself
a cat person.
184
00:06:47,549 --> 00:06:50,317
Don't you dare say that!
185
00:06:50,319 --> 00:06:51,685
What's wrong with a cat?
186
00:06:51,687 --> 00:06:53,521
They're jerks.
And they don't care who knows it.
187
00:06:53,522 --> 00:06:55,856
Because they're jerks.
188
00:06:55,857 --> 00:06:57,425
Yeah, but see,
that's why I like 'em.
189
00:06:57,426 --> 00:06:59,093
You know?
Make you earn their love.
190
00:06:59,094 --> 00:07:01,062
Might have something
to do with my low self-esteem,
191
00:07:01,063 --> 00:07:03,863
but I do enjoy
a standoffish kitty.
192
00:07:03,865 --> 00:07:05,666
As long as she's not
a bird person.
193
00:07:05,667 --> 00:07:08,768
Now, those people, they're just weird.
Mmm.
194
00:07:08,770 --> 00:07:10,638
Look at this one.
195
00:07:10,639 --> 00:07:11,839
(chuckles)
196
00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:15,008
Oh, no, that's Vince's head.
197
00:07:18,013 --> 00:07:20,381
I can't believe the sweater fit.
198
00:07:20,382 --> 00:07:21,481
I told you.
199
00:07:21,483 --> 00:07:23,584
Made that when you were
just six months old.
200
00:07:23,585 --> 00:07:25,285
You outgrew it in a week.
201
00:07:26,455 --> 00:07:27,455
Look at her.
202
00:07:27,456 --> 00:07:29,189
Look at the boss.
203
00:07:29,191 --> 00:07:30,958
You are just a lovebug.
204
00:07:30,959 --> 00:07:33,427
You're gonna have to come spend
a weekend at Grandma's,
205
00:07:33,428 --> 00:07:35,362
so I can spoil you rotten.
206
00:07:35,364 --> 00:07:36,564
Well, don't get too attached.
207
00:07:36,565 --> 00:07:38,366
Remember, I gotta take her back
in a couple days.
208
00:07:38,367 --> 00:07:40,000
Oh...
Can we not talk about Birdie leaving, please?
209
00:07:40,001 --> 00:07:42,502
You're getting her
all worked up.
210
00:07:42,504 --> 00:07:44,705
Mike, look what Birdie
did to my shoe.
211
00:07:44,706 --> 00:07:45,705
MIKE: Oh, no.
212
00:07:45,707 --> 00:07:46,941
Did she eat some leather?
213
00:07:46,942 --> 00:07:48,842
Are you okay, girl?
214
00:07:49,911 --> 00:07:52,246
Oh, I'll grab her some charcoal.
215
00:07:52,247 --> 00:07:54,048
We'll-we'll get her to throw up.
216
00:07:54,049 --> 00:07:57,150
Wait, what are we going
to do about this?
217
00:07:57,152 --> 00:07:58,986
Well, maybe not leave
your clodhoppers laying around.
218
00:07:58,987 --> 00:08:02,389
Poor baby could have choked
on that ugly shoe.
219
00:08:03,725 --> 00:08:05,493
We should puppy-proof
the whole house.
220
00:08:05,494 --> 00:08:07,327
Any mistake she makes
is really our fault.
221
00:08:07,329 --> 00:08:09,662
Or maybe we could
leave her in the crate
222
00:08:09,664 --> 00:08:11,297
while we're not watching her,
like we talked about.
223
00:08:11,299 --> 00:08:13,533
You can't put her in a crate.
That's cruel.
224
00:08:13,535 --> 00:08:15,069
It's not cruel.
It's a dog crate.
225
00:08:15,070 --> 00:08:18,271
It's a crate specifically made
to put a dog into.
226
00:08:18,273 --> 00:08:21,409
People also put dogs in sacks
and toss them in the river.
227
00:08:21,410 --> 00:08:23,176
Should we do that, too?
Oh, my God!
228
00:08:23,178 --> 00:08:25,079
I'm not saying kill the dog.
229
00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:26,179
Mike, back me up here.
230
00:08:26,181 --> 00:08:28,415
Ma, I won't let her
kill the dog.
231
00:08:28,417 --> 00:08:29,549
I... no!
232
00:08:29,551 --> 00:08:31,552
I have never said kill the dog!
233
00:08:31,553 --> 00:08:32,987
I'm just trying
to keep this mutt
234
00:08:32,988 --> 00:08:34,988
from chewing her way
through my entire closet.
235
00:08:34,990 --> 00:08:37,657
(barks) You stay out of this.
236
00:08:37,659 --> 00:08:42,028
Just asking, if this was a cat,
would you feel differently?
237
00:08:42,030 --> 00:08:43,863
What?
238
00:08:43,865 --> 00:08:47,000
I'm gonna take her outside
until this one stops screaming.
239
00:08:47,002 --> 00:08:48,536
I'm not scr...!
240
00:08:48,537 --> 00:08:50,470
(whispering):
I am not screaming.
241
00:08:50,472 --> 00:08:52,406
Boy, treat a poor dog like this,
242
00:08:52,407 --> 00:08:54,607
I guess we can see
what kind of mother you'd be.
243
00:08:58,013 --> 00:08:59,480
She's not allowed
back in the house
244
00:08:59,481 --> 00:09:01,014
until she learns how to behave.
245
00:09:01,016 --> 00:09:01,948
The dog?
246
00:09:01,950 --> 00:09:03,149
Her, too.
247
00:09:08,523 --> 00:09:10,824
Well, Birdie's in her crate.
248
00:09:11,626 --> 00:09:14,894
Her cold, dark crate.
249
00:09:14,896 --> 00:09:16,230
Mike, she's gonna be fine.
250
00:09:16,231 --> 00:09:17,998
She's got a heating pad
and a blanket,
251
00:09:17,999 --> 00:09:20,534
plus Vince is sleeping next
to her on the kitchen floor.
252
00:09:20,535 --> 00:09:23,837
I know, it's just gonna be weird
to be in this bed all alone.
253
00:09:23,839 --> 00:09:26,272
I'm right here.
254
00:09:26,274 --> 00:09:27,675
You know what I mean.
255
00:09:27,676 --> 00:09:29,510
Fine, I'll try to snore.
256
00:09:29,511 --> 00:09:30,945
You can scratch my tummy.
257
00:09:30,946 --> 00:09:33,079
Try to snore?
258
00:09:33,081 --> 00:09:35,883
You know that just because
I'm putting her in a crate
259
00:09:35,884 --> 00:09:38,852
doesn't mean somehow, you know,
I'm gonna be a bad mother.
260
00:09:38,854 --> 00:09:40,653
Nobody's saying that.
261
00:09:40,655 --> 00:09:42,456
Your mother said exactly that.
262
00:09:42,457 --> 00:09:43,591
And she's got some nerve
263
00:09:43,592 --> 00:09:45,325
after all the stuff
she did to you.
264
00:09:45,327 --> 00:09:46,993
Hey, she's a good mom.
265
00:09:46,995 --> 00:09:48,562
Mike.
266
00:09:48,563 --> 00:09:50,397
It's me.
267
00:09:50,398 --> 00:09:52,032
When you were a baby,
268
00:09:52,033 --> 00:09:54,767
your car seat
was a laundry basket.
269
00:09:55,871 --> 00:09:57,071
It was safe.
270
00:09:57,072 --> 00:09:59,506
She wedged me in with towels.
271
00:10:00,342 --> 00:10:02,308
I rest my case.
272
00:10:02,310 --> 00:10:04,011
Oh, all right, well,
how about your mom?
273
00:10:04,012 --> 00:10:05,278
She's not exactly perfect.
274
00:10:05,280 --> 00:10:06,614
I didn't say she was perfect,
275
00:10:06,615 --> 00:10:09,816
but I think she did
a pretty darn good job.
276
00:10:09,818 --> 00:10:11,785
Molly, come on.
277
00:10:11,786 --> 00:10:13,287
It's me.
278
00:10:13,288 --> 00:10:15,655
She soaked your teething rag
in whiskey.
279
00:10:15,657 --> 00:10:18,158
And I never felt
a single tooth come in,
280
00:10:18,159 --> 00:10:20,227
plus I was sleeping
through the night at six weeks.
281
00:10:20,228 --> 00:10:22,462
Yeah, 'cause she didn't want
to deal with you.
282
00:10:22,464 --> 00:10:24,598
Well, better to be ignored
than smothered.
283
00:10:24,599 --> 00:10:26,000
What are you talking about?
284
00:10:26,001 --> 00:10:27,902
Your mom can't stand
to be away from you.
285
00:10:27,903 --> 00:10:30,937
She wanted to go with us
on our honeymoon.
286
00:10:30,939 --> 00:10:33,473
She had never been to Paris.
287
00:10:33,475 --> 00:10:36,577
Well, maybe you should take her
for our anniversary.
288
00:10:36,578 --> 00:10:37,710
You know what,
289
00:10:37,712 --> 00:10:39,713
I think Birdie
might be right about you.
290
00:10:39,714 --> 00:10:41,282
You're not very nice.
291
00:10:41,283 --> 00:10:42,482
Where you going?
292
00:10:42,484 --> 00:10:44,651
I'm gonna go snuggle
with my best gal.
293
00:10:44,653 --> 00:10:46,553
Oh, I thought your mom
already left.
294
00:10:46,555 --> 00:10:48,354
(blows raspberry)
295
00:10:58,337 --> 00:11:00,405
(Birdie barking) I've been
nothing but nice to you!
296
00:11:00,406 --> 00:11:02,073
I'm telling Mom you were
on the couch.
297
00:11:02,074 --> 00:11:03,641
Oh, leave her.
298
00:11:03,642 --> 00:11:05,176
She's sweet.
299
00:11:05,177 --> 00:11:07,045
When did you turn?
300
00:11:07,046 --> 00:11:09,347
When I realized she looks
exactly like Vince.
301
00:11:09,348 --> 00:11:11,015
That's who it is.
302
00:11:11,016 --> 00:11:13,617
They got the same underbite
and everything.
303
00:11:13,619 --> 00:11:16,254
All I know is, I don't care
if a dog likes me,
304
00:11:16,255 --> 00:11:18,356
because I like me.
305
00:11:18,357 --> 00:11:19,790
Well, I like you, too.
306
00:11:19,792 --> 00:11:22,493
But why doesn't
that dog like me?
307
00:11:22,495 --> 00:11:24,629
Why are you letting this
get to you?
308
00:11:24,630 --> 00:11:27,265
Because it's like when you pick
up a baby and it starts crying.
309
00:11:27,266 --> 00:11:28,600
It makes you start thinking
310
00:11:28,601 --> 00:11:30,201
there's something wrong
with you.
311
00:11:30,202 --> 00:11:31,536
Ugh. I know what you mean.
312
00:11:31,537 --> 00:11:33,671
You two cried
all the time when I held you.
313
00:11:33,672 --> 00:11:35,140
At first, I thought it was me.
314
00:11:35,141 --> 00:11:36,775
Then I realized
it was the cigarette smoke.
315
00:11:36,776 --> 00:11:39,143
You smoked around us?
316
00:11:39,145 --> 00:11:41,445
Not after that.
I just held you less.
317
00:11:42,782 --> 00:11:44,816
God, you were needy babies.
318
00:11:44,817 --> 00:11:47,519
Isn't that the deal with babies?
319
00:11:47,520 --> 00:11:49,353
They kind of need stuff from ya?
320
00:11:49,355 --> 00:11:51,389
Oh, yeah.
They're a real pain in the ass.
321
00:11:51,390 --> 00:11:53,457
But that's the job.
322
00:11:53,459 --> 00:11:56,193
You know, keep the kids alive
till they become interesting.
323
00:11:57,630 --> 00:12:00,432
Why did you even have us?
324
00:12:00,433 --> 00:12:02,267
It's what people did back then.
325
00:12:02,268 --> 00:12:03,868
You know,
like feathering your hair
326
00:12:03,869 --> 00:12:06,236
or littering on the expressway.
327
00:12:07,506 --> 00:12:09,541
Important thing is,
I love you now.
328
00:12:09,542 --> 00:12:12,110
Should we believe her?
329
00:12:12,111 --> 00:12:14,511
What choice do we have?
330
00:12:22,154 --> 00:12:24,321
Kraft Singles
and a jar of applesauce?
331
00:12:24,323 --> 00:12:26,925
That is the saddest lunch
I've ever seen.
332
00:12:26,926 --> 00:12:29,494
Yeah, Birdie ate my first lunch
off the counter.
333
00:12:29,495 --> 00:12:30,829
It was so cute,
334
00:12:30,830 --> 00:12:33,964
but she's gonna have trouble
passing that sandwich bag.
335
00:12:33,966 --> 00:12:36,234
So, now, are you gonna dip
the cheese in the applesauce
336
00:12:36,235 --> 00:12:38,336
or roll the applesauce
in the cheese like a burrito?
337
00:12:38,337 --> 00:12:39,771
You sound interested.
338
00:12:39,772 --> 00:12:41,339
You want to trade
for half your lunch?
339
00:12:41,340 --> 00:12:43,241
Sure. I got quinoa salad
with tuna.
340
00:12:43,242 --> 00:12:45,008
I'm good.
341
00:12:46,145 --> 00:12:47,979
Mikey!
Hey!
342
00:12:47,980 --> 00:12:49,514
Ma, what are you doing here?
343
00:12:49,515 --> 00:12:51,716
I was across the street
at the Sam's Club.
344
00:12:51,717 --> 00:12:53,151
You bent over the other night,
345
00:12:53,152 --> 00:12:55,320
and I saw
you might need new briefs.
346
00:12:55,321 --> 00:12:57,288
Ma, you didn't
have to do that...
347
00:12:57,289 --> 00:12:59,791
here at work.
348
00:12:59,792 --> 00:13:02,160
Of course I did.
I wanted to make sure they fit.
349
00:13:02,161 --> 00:13:03,928
Hey, Ma, while you're here,
not for nothing,
350
00:13:03,929 --> 00:13:05,763
but next time
you're over at the house,
351
00:13:05,764 --> 00:13:07,866
try not to say horrible things
to my wife.
352
00:13:07,867 --> 00:13:09,133
What are you talking about?
353
00:13:09,134 --> 00:13:11,469
That shot you made about
what kind of mother she'd be.
354
00:13:11,470 --> 00:13:13,605
She knew what I meant.
What'd you mean?
355
00:13:13,606 --> 00:13:15,305
That she'd be a horrible mother.
356
00:13:16,575 --> 00:13:18,275
I don't know how
she'd take that wrong.
357
00:13:18,277 --> 00:13:20,745
Look, Molly's gonna make
a great mom.
358
00:13:20,746 --> 00:13:23,648
It's not her fault that she hasn't
had the best example.
359
00:13:23,649 --> 00:13:24,949
That's true.
360
00:13:24,950 --> 00:13:27,285
They don't have the kind
of relationship that we have.
361
00:13:27,286 --> 00:13:29,120
Right. Ah, darn it.
362
00:13:29,121 --> 00:13:31,022
Ooh, here, give me that.
363
00:13:31,023 --> 00:13:33,257
You're making a mess. Ugh.
364
00:13:33,259 --> 00:13:35,660
I guess I'm just gonna
have to step up
365
00:13:35,661 --> 00:13:38,663
and try to be more
of a role model for her.
366
00:13:38,664 --> 00:13:40,198
Yeah, show her what a healthy,
367
00:13:40,199 --> 00:13:42,699
mother-child
relationship should be.
368
00:13:47,706 --> 00:13:50,107
I wouldn't show that to anyone.
369
00:13:50,109 --> 00:13:52,510
Wait, wait.
Do the airplane.
370
00:13:52,511 --> 00:13:55,012
(imitates airplane
engine revving)
371
00:14:00,119 --> 00:14:02,220
Okay, let's go over this
one more time.
372
00:14:02,221 --> 00:14:04,255
When I say "Joyce," you do what?
373
00:14:04,256 --> 00:14:06,257
Joyce!
374
00:14:06,258 --> 00:14:07,425
Good girl.
375
00:14:07,426 --> 00:14:09,127
And when I say,
"Good-bye, honey!"
376
00:14:09,128 --> 00:14:10,562
Ah, good girl!
377
00:14:10,563 --> 00:14:13,665
Mike was right... you are smart.
378
00:14:13,666 --> 00:14:14,932
(sighs)
379
00:14:14,934 --> 00:14:18,102
Hey. Hi.
I'm glad you're both here.
380
00:14:18,103 --> 00:14:20,071
I got some bad news.
381
00:14:20,072 --> 00:14:22,073
Birdie's moms
made bail this morning.
382
00:14:22,074 --> 00:14:23,607
They want her back tonight.
383
00:14:23,609 --> 00:14:25,877
Oh. There's nothing
you could do?
384
00:14:25,878 --> 00:14:27,645
You're a cop.
You're above the law.
385
00:14:27,646 --> 00:14:29,280
Plant something on 'em.
386
00:14:29,281 --> 00:14:32,149
It's already done. Look, we knew
this day was gonna come.
387
00:14:32,151 --> 00:14:33,818
We could say the dog ran away.
388
00:14:33,819 --> 00:14:35,954
I'll take her, lay low
till things cool off.
389
00:14:35,955 --> 00:14:37,622
You get a dog
that looks just like Birdie,
390
00:14:37,623 --> 00:14:39,390
run her over with
your car a few times...
391
00:14:39,391 --> 00:14:41,458
Vince!
392
00:14:41,460 --> 00:14:43,428
I'm sorry!
I'm spinning out here!
393
00:14:43,429 --> 00:14:45,563
What's going on?
394
00:14:45,564 --> 00:14:47,098
We got to take the dog back.
395
00:14:47,099 --> 00:14:49,133
I'm sorry.
Are you?
396
00:14:49,134 --> 00:14:50,702
Yes!
Are you?!
397
00:14:50,703 --> 00:14:52,470
Yes!
All right!
398
00:14:52,471 --> 00:14:54,439
We're all a little raw
right now.
399
00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:56,708
Vince, grab her stuff,
and I'll meet you in the car.
400
00:14:56,709 --> 00:14:58,977
I can't do it.
It's too painful.
401
00:14:58,978 --> 00:15:01,678
Well, I can't do it either.
402
00:15:01,680 --> 00:15:03,647
(scoffs) Give me the leash.
403
00:15:03,649 --> 00:15:06,249
Wa-Wa-Wait. What-what are
you gonna do to her?
404
00:15:06,251 --> 00:15:08,219
She already hates me.
I'll do it.
405
00:15:08,220 --> 00:15:10,688
She'll probably be happy
to get away from me.
406
00:15:10,689 --> 00:15:13,558
Thank you.
407
00:15:13,559 --> 00:15:15,526
Okay, well, I guess this is it.
408
00:15:15,527 --> 00:15:17,562
You-you got to go home now.
409
00:15:17,563 --> 00:15:19,130
We can't keep you anymore.
410
00:15:19,131 --> 00:15:21,165
I'm... Oh, I'm gonna
miss you so much.
411
00:15:21,166 --> 00:15:22,333
Oh, cut it out!
412
00:15:22,334 --> 00:15:24,068
You're making this harder
than it is.
413
00:15:24,069 --> 00:15:25,570
Now-now go on!
414
00:15:25,571 --> 00:15:26,871
Go on, you big dummy.
415
00:15:26,872 --> 00:15:28,872
Go home!
416
00:15:28,874 --> 00:15:31,675
I should go check on him.
He's a mess.
417
00:15:34,513 --> 00:15:38,215
Boy, you got those two wrapped
around your fat little paw.
418
00:15:44,690 --> 00:15:47,558
Look, I don't know
what your problem is with me,
419
00:15:47,559 --> 00:15:51,562
but whatever vibe you think
you're picking up, you're wrong.
420
00:15:51,563 --> 00:15:53,531
(laughs)
421
00:15:53,532 --> 00:15:55,732
I'm a nice person.
422
00:15:55,734 --> 00:15:58,035
Just because we didn't connect,
you know,
423
00:15:58,037 --> 00:16:01,439
doesn't mean
that I'm unloving or-or cold.
424
00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:03,106
I mean, maybe it's you.
425
00:16:03,108 --> 00:16:08,245
Maybe-maybe this is something
that you've got to work through.
426
00:16:10,516 --> 00:16:14,052
I mean, we all, you know,
have to work through some stuff.
427
00:16:14,053 --> 00:16:17,055
I mean,
judgmental mother-in-law or
428
00:16:17,056 --> 00:16:18,823
not-good-as-you-thought mothers.
429
00:16:18,824 --> 00:16:22,827
But, I mean, thinking
that I'm not gonna be a good mother
430
00:16:22,828 --> 00:16:24,962
because a dog doesn't like me?
431
00:16:24,963 --> 00:16:26,830
Please.
432
00:16:28,233 --> 00:16:30,567
It doesn't bother me at all.
433
00:16:30,569 --> 00:16:32,670
(horn honking,
tires squealing) Ooh!
434
00:16:32,671 --> 00:16:35,006
Watch it, jackass!
435
00:16:35,007 --> 00:16:36,606
You all right? Huh?
436
00:16:36,608 --> 00:16:39,911
(laughing):
Oh! Are you giving me kisses?
437
00:16:39,912 --> 00:16:42,212
Are you giving me kisses?
438
00:16:42,214 --> 00:16:45,283
Yes, you are.
I knew you liked me.
439
00:16:45,284 --> 00:16:46,550
Oh!
440
00:16:46,552 --> 00:16:48,152
(laughing): Oh!
441
00:16:48,153 --> 00:16:49,420
No! That's a...
442
00:16:49,421 --> 00:16:50,655
I'm not gonna tell Mike.
443
00:16:50,656 --> 00:16:53,291
I'm not gonna tell Mike that.
Oh.
444
00:16:53,292 --> 00:16:56,861
I'm gonna be an amazing mother.
445
00:16:56,862 --> 00:17:01,421
Oh. I knew it.
I knew it.
446
00:17:11,291 --> 00:17:13,258
I'm telling you, Mike,
447
00:17:13,259 --> 00:17:17,396
it broke my heart giving Birdie
back to her owners, but
448
00:17:17,397 --> 00:17:20,165
in the end, I think
she might have loved me
449
00:17:20,166 --> 00:17:23,335
even a little bit more
than she loved you.
450
00:17:23,336 --> 00:17:25,002
Of course she did.
451
00:17:25,004 --> 00:17:26,304
Everybody does.
452
00:17:26,306 --> 00:17:27,673
Yeah, except your mother.
453
00:17:27,674 --> 00:17:29,575
Ah, don't listen to her.
She's nuts.
454
00:17:29,576 --> 00:17:31,510
Mine preferred Virginia
Slims over babies.
455
00:17:31,511 --> 00:17:34,313
(laughs)
456
00:17:34,314 --> 00:17:35,614
They mean well.
457
00:17:35,615 --> 00:17:37,750
Do they?
458
00:17:37,751 --> 00:17:40,152
I can't tell anymore.
459
00:17:40,153 --> 00:17:43,021
Do you think our own kids
are gonna think we're crazy?
460
00:17:43,022 --> 00:17:46,124
If we do our jobs right.
461
00:17:46,926 --> 00:17:49,160
(toy squeaks) Oh!
462
00:17:50,230 --> 00:17:52,130
Oh.
(toy squeaks)
463
00:17:52,132 --> 00:17:53,698
I miss Birdie.
464
00:17:54,501 --> 00:17:57,499
She'll be fine.
(giggles)
465
00:17:57,500 --> 00:18:00,602
Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.addic7ed.com/