1
00:00:03,603 --> 00:00:04,900
- God... Come on!
- Okay, easy...
2
00:00:05,071 --> 00:00:07,471
Officers responding for back-up,
arriving at the scene.
3
00:00:07,640 --> 00:00:08,629
Hey, hey, hey...
4
00:00:08,808 --> 00:00:09,797
Calm down!
5
00:00:09,976 --> 00:00:10,965
All right, that's enough...
6
00:00:11,144 --> 00:00:12,304
All right, all right, stand down.
7
00:00:12,479 --> 00:00:13,673
We got this covered.
8
00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:15,280
This is why you two boys
called for immediate backup?
9
00:00:15,448 --> 00:00:17,245
Two adorable ladies having a pillow fight?
10
00:00:17,417 --> 00:00:20,511
- Hey, you weren't here...
- It was like Ali-Frazier,
11
00:00:20,687 --> 00:00:22,985
if Ali cheated on Frazier
with the UPS girl.
12
00:00:25,258 --> 00:00:27,852
These two little peanuts? Aw, who won?
13
00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:29,427
Polly Pocket or Strawberry Shortcake?
14
00:00:29,596 --> 00:00:31,120
You want some too, bitch?
15
00:00:32,365 --> 00:00:33,764
Man, control your suspect!
16
00:00:34,601 --> 00:00:36,592
All right, get 'em out of here.
We'll secure the area.
17
00:00:36,836 --> 00:00:38,701
Oh, you sure you two can handle
an empty apartment?
18
00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:41,136
No, no, no. You heard him, Ramirez.
19
00:00:41,307 --> 00:00:42,934
Housekeeping will take it from here.
20
00:00:44,611 --> 00:00:46,806
Hey, hey! Put some mints on the pillow.
21
00:00:49,115 --> 00:00:51,310
You know, I am getting
a little sick of Seely
22
00:00:51,484 --> 00:00:52,917
always acting like he's better than us.
23
00:00:53,086 --> 00:00:55,179
Yeah. I mean, just 'cause you get
a commendation from the mayor
24
00:00:55,355 --> 00:00:57,653
and back to back marksmanship awards,
doesn't mean you're a better cop.
25
00:00:58,691 --> 00:00:59,953
It kind of does.
26
00:01:04,697 --> 00:01:06,096
Is that your stomach?
27
00:01:06,699 --> 00:01:07,757
I don't know.
28
00:01:11,604 --> 00:01:13,128
Still can't tell.
29
00:01:14,040 --> 00:01:15,302
I think it's coming from that closet.
30
00:01:17,677 --> 00:01:18,666
Yeah.
31
00:01:22,348 --> 00:01:25,476
I'll be damned. I always thought
lesbians were cat people.
32
00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:37,000
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
33
00:01:55,215 --> 00:01:58,343
Who put this dribble of milk
back in the fridge?
34
00:01:58,718 --> 00:02:00,652
Don't look at me. I'm off White Russians.
35
00:02:02,522 --> 00:02:04,649
I'm sorry, I can't stand jug-bottom milk.
36
00:02:05,725 --> 00:02:06,919
Same with the heels of the bread.
37
00:02:07,093 --> 00:02:09,061
They're nothing
but the ass cheeks of the loaf.
38
00:02:10,730 --> 00:02:13,392
Aw, my baby's got a picky tummy.
39
00:02:13,867 --> 00:02:15,425
Joyce, please. I'm full of milk.
40
00:02:19,105 --> 00:02:21,596
The saddest thing happened at work today.
41
00:02:21,875 --> 00:02:23,035
Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.
42
00:02:23,209 --> 00:02:25,507
Will a thimbleful of milk help you?
43
00:02:26,746 --> 00:02:28,179
Unfortunately, no.
44
00:02:28,348 --> 00:02:30,339
There was a domestic disturbance
45
00:02:30,517 --> 00:02:32,951
and both parties ended up
getting taken into the custody,
46
00:02:33,119 --> 00:02:36,577
and the cutest little dog you've
ever seen got left behind.
47
00:02:36,856 --> 00:02:39,188
- Aw.
- I don't like where this is going.
48
00:02:41,027 --> 00:02:42,460
I know how you feel about dogs, Joyce,
49
00:02:42,629 --> 00:02:44,426
so I took her to the shelter
and left her there.
50
00:02:44,664 --> 00:02:45,653
Poor thing.
51
00:02:45,899 --> 00:02:47,366
Yeah.
52
00:02:49,102 --> 00:02:50,160
That better be your stomach.
53
00:02:51,004 --> 00:02:54,405
Did I mention that this story
has a happy ending?
54
00:02:54,674 --> 00:02:57,837
I had to go back and get her.
Look at that face.
55
00:02:58,545 --> 00:02:59,876
Look at this face. No.
56
00:03:01,614 --> 00:03:02,706
I don't want a dog in this house.
57
00:03:02,882 --> 00:03:04,349
Come on, it's just for a couple of days
58
00:03:04,517 --> 00:03:05,950
until her mommies post bail.
59
00:03:06,119 --> 00:03:07,416
And they had outstanding warrants
60
00:03:07,587 --> 00:03:09,111
for receiving stolen property,
didn't they?
61
00:03:09,289 --> 00:03:10,517
Yes, they did.
62
00:03:11,558 --> 00:03:13,788
What a sweet little princess.
Do you know her name?
63
00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:15,188
- Birdie.
- Ah.
64
00:03:15,728 --> 00:03:16,854
Hello, Birdie.
65
00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:18,759
Oh.
66
00:03:19,399 --> 00:03:22,197
- Maybe she doesn't like women.
- She has two moms.
67
00:03:23,236 --> 00:03:25,136
Joyce, can we keep the dog, please?
68
00:03:25,305 --> 00:03:26,567
We'll walk her, we'll feed her,
69
00:03:26,739 --> 00:03:27,899
and if she craps in the yard,
70
00:03:28,074 --> 00:03:29,632
I'll flick it over the fence
to the neighbor's.
71
00:03:30,777 --> 00:03:32,608
Yeah, she won't be any trouble. I promise.
72
00:03:32,779 --> 00:03:33,905
Pretty please...
73
00:03:34,347 --> 00:03:36,577
Oh, all right, but I don't want to see it,
74
00:03:36,749 --> 00:03:38,842
I don't want to smell it, and
keep her off of the furniture.
75
00:03:39,018 --> 00:03:40,781
Same deal I had when she brought you home.
76
00:03:42,522 --> 00:03:43,511
I'll make her up a little bed.
77
00:03:43,690 --> 00:03:45,419
Uh, I got one out in the car. Come on.
78
00:03:47,427 --> 00:03:48,416
You know what I think?
79
00:03:48,595 --> 00:03:50,256
I think you and I are gonna be best pals.
80
00:03:50,430 --> 00:03:51,920
Best pals. I can tell already.
81
00:03:52,465 --> 00:03:54,865
You wanna go in the kitchen
with me and get some bacon, huh?
82
00:03:55,969 --> 00:03:57,527
Who's going to the kitchen
and getting some bacon?
83
00:04:00,073 --> 00:04:01,472
Well, that's the kitchen. You don't know,
84
00:04:01,641 --> 00:04:02,938
but I'm gonna go get you some bacon.
85
00:04:03,109 --> 00:04:04,303
Okay, Mom, keep an eye on her.
86
00:04:04,477 --> 00:04:07,241
I'm gonna go get her some bacon,
she's a little standoffish.
87
00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:14,246
My wine. My wine!
88
00:04:28,001 --> 00:04:28,990
Mike.
89
00:04:29,168 --> 00:04:30,692
What? What happened? Are you okay, girl?
90
00:04:31,537 --> 00:04:33,334
Your "girl" just kicked me out of bed.
91
00:04:33,506 --> 00:04:34,803
What is she doing in here?
92
00:04:34,974 --> 00:04:36,942
Oh, I went down to check on her
in her crate,
93
00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:38,634
and I couldn't stand to see the poor thing
94
00:04:38,811 --> 00:04:40,472
locked up behind bars.
95
00:04:40,813 --> 00:04:43,145
You're a cop,
you lock people up every day.
96
00:04:43,516 --> 00:04:47,509
Yeah, people. Not pretty girls
who like their bellies rubbed.
97
00:04:48,521 --> 00:04:50,989
If she's gonna stay,
then she's gotta move over.
98
00:04:51,157 --> 00:04:54,183
Come on. Come on, roll... Move over.
99
00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:56,990
Come on. Come...
100
00:04:58,531 --> 00:04:59,759
Come on.
101
00:05:00,633 --> 00:05:02,567
Come on.
102
00:05:03,102 --> 00:05:04,262
Seriously?
103
00:05:04,437 --> 00:05:06,268
How about I sleep in the middle,
104
00:05:06,439 --> 00:05:08,839
and I'll spoon her, and then you spoon me?
105
00:05:09,542 --> 00:05:13,103
All right. Obviously she wants
some alone time with you.
106
00:05:13,479 --> 00:05:15,947
I never thought I'd lose you
to somebody named Birdie.
107
00:05:16,949 --> 00:05:18,177
Just for the weekend.
108
00:05:19,886 --> 00:05:21,854
Oh, boy, somebody has awful breath.
109
00:05:22,622 --> 00:05:25,284
Don't worry, tomorrow you can
use my toothbrush.
110
00:05:32,198 --> 00:05:34,996
And look at this one.
She's just sitting on the floor.
111
00:05:35,201 --> 00:05:37,362
Just sitting there. On the floor.
112
00:05:38,538 --> 00:05:39,732
Isn't that cute?
113
00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:41,834
It's adorable.
114
00:05:42,008 --> 00:05:43,908
Just like the last 10 pictures
you showed me,
115
00:05:44,077 --> 00:05:45,977
and the two-minute video of her
drinking out of the toilet.
116
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:49,774
She opened the lid
and everything by herself.
117
00:05:49,949 --> 00:05:52,179
This dog is smart, Carl. Scary smart.
118
00:05:53,319 --> 00:05:54,308
You know, for something that you gotta
119
00:05:54,487 --> 00:05:56,352
return in a couple days,
don't you think you might be
120
00:05:56,522 --> 00:05:57,648
getting a little too attached to it?
121
00:05:57,824 --> 00:06:00,224
Okay, first of all,
that "something" has a name.
122
00:06:00,393 --> 00:06:01,485
Birdie.
123
00:06:01,894 --> 00:06:03,794
And yes, I have fallen hard for her.
124
00:06:03,963 --> 00:06:07,194
So, please, let me just enjoy
what little time we have left.
125
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:08,732
All right. I know better
126
00:06:08,901 --> 00:06:11,028
than to get between a man
and someone else's dog.
127
00:06:11,337 --> 00:06:13,498
You know, when Molly and me
finally move into our own place,
128
00:06:13,673 --> 00:06:15,197
the first thing I'm gonna do, buy a puppy.
129
00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:16,842
Yeah, well, hopefully
that one won't hate Molly.
130
00:06:17,143 --> 00:06:20,476
I don't know what that is.
Birdie loves everyone.
131
00:06:20,646 --> 00:06:23,809
Even Joyce, who growls every
time the poor pooch walks by.
132
00:06:23,983 --> 00:06:25,814
Well, you know, dogs are very intuitive.
133
00:06:25,985 --> 00:06:27,646
You know, they can sense things we can't.
134
00:06:27,820 --> 00:06:30,186
Know things about people we don't.
135
00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:33,881
What are you trying to say, Carl?
136
00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:35,891
I'm just saying, how much do we
really know about this Molly?
137
00:06:37,363 --> 00:06:39,331
The only thing she hides
from me are Visa bills.
138
00:06:39,499 --> 00:06:42,161
Unless Birdie can sniff
out bad credit, you're crazy.
139
00:06:42,735 --> 00:06:44,396
Yeah, all right.
But Birdie's onto something.
140
00:06:44,570 --> 00:06:46,003
You might've married yourself
a cat person.
141
00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:48,707
Don't you dare say that!
142
00:06:48,908 --> 00:06:50,500
- What's wrong with a cat?
- They're jerks.
143
00:06:50,676 --> 00:06:52,041
And they don't care who knows it.
144
00:06:52,211 --> 00:06:53,542
Because they're jerks.
145
00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:56,348
Yeah, but see, that's why I like 'em.
146
00:06:56,516 --> 00:06:57,881
Make you earn their love.
147
00:06:58,050 --> 00:07:00,018
It might have something to do
with my low self-esteem,
148
00:07:00,186 --> 00:07:01,778
but I do enjoy a standoffish kitty.
149
00:07:02,522 --> 00:07:04,149
As long as she's not a bird person.
150
00:07:04,323 --> 00:07:06,257
Now, those people, they're just weird.
151
00:07:08,528 --> 00:07:10,120
Look at this one. Oh.
152
00:07:10,763 --> 00:07:12,025
No, that's Vince's head.
153
00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:18,897
I can't believe the sweater fit.
154
00:07:19,071 --> 00:07:20,060
I told you.
155
00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:21,900
Made that when you were
just six months old.
156
00:07:22,074 --> 00:07:23,541
You outgrew it in a week.
157
00:07:24,977 --> 00:07:26,842
Look at her. Look at the boss.
158
00:07:27,013 --> 00:07:29,345
You are just a lovebug.
159
00:07:29,515 --> 00:07:31,847
You're gonna have to come
spend a weekend at Grandma's
160
00:07:32,018 --> 00:07:33,645
so I can spoil you rotten.
161
00:07:33,853 --> 00:07:34,842
Don't get too attached.
162
00:07:35,021 --> 00:07:36,648
Remember, I gotta take her back
in a couple of days.
163
00:07:36,923 --> 00:07:38,322
Can we not talk about
Birdie leaving, please?
164
00:07:38,491 --> 00:07:40,015
- You're getting her all worked up.
- Mmm.
165
00:07:40,927 --> 00:07:43,327
Mike, look what Birdie did to my shoe.
166
00:07:43,496 --> 00:07:47,159
Oh, no. Did she eat some leather?
Are you okay, girl?
167
00:07:48,701 --> 00:07:50,191
- I'll grab her some charcoal.
- Uh...
168
00:07:51,237 --> 00:07:52,431
We'll get her to throw up.
169
00:07:53,272 --> 00:07:54,864
Okay, what are we gonna do about this?
170
00:07:55,041 --> 00:07:57,509
Well, maybe not leave
your clodhoppers laying around.
171
00:07:57,677 --> 00:08:00,271
Poor baby could have
choked on that ugly shoe.
172
00:08:02,248 --> 00:08:03,772
Now we should puppy-proof the whole house.
173
00:08:03,950 --> 00:08:05,884
Any mistake she makes is really our fault.
174
00:08:06,385 --> 00:08:08,114
Or maybe we could leave her in the crate
175
00:08:08,287 --> 00:08:09,754
while we're not watching her,
like we talked about.
176
00:08:09,922 --> 00:08:12,015
You can't put her in a crate.
That's cruel.
177
00:08:12,191 --> 00:08:13,385
That's not cruel. It's a dog crate.
178
00:08:13,559 --> 00:08:16,653
It's a crate specifically made
to put a dog into.
179
00:08:17,096 --> 00:08:19,894
People also put dogs in sacks
and toss them in the river.
180
00:08:20,066 --> 00:08:21,158
Should we do that, too?
181
00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:23,097
Oh, my God! I'm not saying kill the dog.
182
00:08:23,269 --> 00:08:24,566
Mike, back me up here.
183
00:08:24,737 --> 00:08:26,864
Ma, I won't let her kill the dog.
184
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:29,902
No! I have never said "kill the dog!"
185
00:08:30,076 --> 00:08:32,010
I'm just trying to keep this
mutt from chewing her way
186
00:08:32,178 --> 00:08:33,941
through my entire closet.
187
00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:36,171
You stay out of this.
188
00:08:36,849 --> 00:08:39,443
Just asking, if this was a cat,
would you feel differently?
189
00:08:40,887 --> 00:08:42,115
What?
190
00:08:42,555 --> 00:08:45,456
I'm gonna take her outside
until this one stops screaming.
191
00:08:45,691 --> 00:08:48,023
- I am not...
- I am not screaming.
192
00:08:49,128 --> 00:08:50,857
Boy, treat a poor dog like this,
193
00:08:51,030 --> 00:08:52,964
I guess we can see
what kind of mother you'd be.
194
00:08:56,702 --> 00:08:57,862
She's not allowed back in the house
195
00:08:58,037 --> 00:08:59,436
until she learns how to behave.
196
00:08:59,605 --> 00:09:01,436
- The dog?
- Her, too.
197
00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:09,078
Well, Birdie is in her crate.
198
00:09:10,182 --> 00:09:12,207
Her cold, dark crate.
199
00:09:13,519 --> 00:09:14,679
Mike, she's gonna be fine.
200
00:09:14,854 --> 00:09:16,549
She's got a heating pad, and a blanket,
201
00:09:16,722 --> 00:09:19,213
plus Vince is sleeping next
to her on the kitchen floor.
202
00:09:19,592 --> 00:09:22,117
I know. It's just gonna be weird
to be in this bed all alone.
203
00:09:22,628 --> 00:09:23,788
I'm right here.
204
00:09:24,764 --> 00:09:26,459
You know what I mean.
205
00:09:26,632 --> 00:09:29,533
Fine. I'll try to snore and
you can scratch my tummy.
206
00:09:29,702 --> 00:09:30,691
Try to snore?
207
00:09:32,038 --> 00:09:34,472
You know, that just because
I'm putting her in a crate
208
00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:37,370
doesn't mean somehow, you know,
I'm gonna be a bad mother.
209
00:09:38,077 --> 00:09:39,066
Nobody's saying that.
210
00:09:39,278 --> 00:09:41,143
Your mother said exactly that.
211
00:09:41,314 --> 00:09:43,612
And she's got some nerve after
all the stuff she did to you.
212
00:09:43,783 --> 00:09:45,444
Hey, she's a good mom.
213
00:09:45,618 --> 00:09:47,950
Mike, it's me.
214
00:09:49,555 --> 00:09:52,922
When you were a baby, your
car seat was a laundry basket.
215
00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:57,055
It was safe.
She wedged me in with towels.
216
00:09:58,764 --> 00:09:59,822
I rest my case.
217
00:10:01,467 --> 00:10:03,765
All right, what about your mom?
She's not exactly perfect.
218
00:10:03,936 --> 00:10:05,096
I didn't say she was perfect,
219
00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:08,172
but I think she did
a pretty darned good job.
220
00:10:08,507 --> 00:10:11,135
Molly, come on. It's me.
221
00:10:12,011 --> 00:10:14,172
She soaked your teething rag in whiskey.
222
00:10:14,413 --> 00:10:16,677
And I never felt a single tooth come in.
223
00:10:16,849 --> 00:10:18,874
Plus, I was sleeping through
the night at six weeks.
224
00:10:19,051 --> 00:10:20,916
Yeah, 'cause she didn't want
to deal with you.
225
00:10:21,087 --> 00:10:23,248
Whoa, better to be ignored than smothered.
226
00:10:23,422 --> 00:10:24,582
What are you talking about?
227
00:10:24,757 --> 00:10:26,486
Your mom can't stand to be away from you.
228
00:10:26,659 --> 00:10:29,150
She wanted to go with us on our honeymoon.
229
00:10:29,328 --> 00:10:31,159
She had never been to Paris.
230
00:10:32,431 --> 00:10:34,490
Well, maybe you should take her
for our anniversary.
231
00:10:35,134 --> 00:10:38,467
You know what, I think Birdie
might be right about you.
232
00:10:38,738 --> 00:10:39,966
You're not very nice.
233
00:10:40,139 --> 00:10:41,163
Where are you going?
234
00:10:41,340 --> 00:10:43,069
I'm gonna go snuggle with my best gal.
235
00:10:43,342 --> 00:10:44,969
Oh, I thought your mom already left.
236
00:10:53,919 --> 00:10:55,887
I've been nothing but nice to you!
237
00:10:56,055 --> 00:10:57,545
I'm telling Mom you're on the couch!
238
00:10:58,224 --> 00:11:00,089
Oh, leave her. She's sweet.
239
00:11:01,027 --> 00:11:02,255
When did you turn?
240
00:11:02,428 --> 00:11:04,726
When I realized she looks
exactly like Vince.
241
00:11:05,464 --> 00:11:06,556
That's who it is!
242
00:11:06,732 --> 00:11:08,359
They got the same
underbite and everything.
243
00:11:09,402 --> 00:11:11,529
All I know is, I don't care if
a dog likes me,
244
00:11:11,704 --> 00:11:12,966
because I like me.
245
00:11:13,139 --> 00:11:15,232
Well, I like you, too.
246
00:11:15,408 --> 00:11:16,966
But why doesn't that dog like me?
247
00:11:18,144 --> 00:11:19,907
Why are you letting this get to you?
248
00:11:20,079 --> 00:11:21,444
Because it's like when you pick up a baby
249
00:11:21,614 --> 00:11:22,672
and it starts crying,
250
00:11:22,848 --> 00:11:24,042
it makes you start thinking
251
00:11:24,216 --> 00:11:25,444
there's something wrong with you.
252
00:11:25,751 --> 00:11:26,740
I know what you mean.
253
00:11:26,919 --> 00:11:29,251
You two cried
all the time when I held you.
254
00:11:29,422 --> 00:11:30,411
At first I thought it was me,
255
00:11:30,589 --> 00:11:32,181
and then I realized
it was the cigarette smoke.
256
00:11:33,259 --> 00:11:34,556
You smoked around us?
257
00:11:34,727 --> 00:11:36,558
Not after that. I just held you less.
258
00:11:38,197 --> 00:11:40,131
God, you were needy babies.
259
00:11:41,267 --> 00:11:42,791
Isn't that the deal with babies?
260
00:11:43,069 --> 00:11:44,536
They kind of need stuff from ya?
261
00:11:44,770 --> 00:11:46,567
Oh, yeah. They're a real pain in the ass.
262
00:11:47,073 --> 00:11:48,597
But that's the job.
263
00:11:49,308 --> 00:11:51,401
Keep the kids alive
until they become interesting.
264
00:11:53,245 --> 00:11:54,769
Why did you even have us?
265
00:11:56,282 --> 00:11:57,772
That's what people did back then.
266
00:11:57,950 --> 00:12:01,442
Like feathering your hair,
or littering on the expressway.
267
00:12:02,888 --> 00:12:04,822
Important thing is, I love you now.
268
00:12:06,158 --> 00:12:09,093
- Should we believe her?
- What choice do we have?
269
00:12:17,970 --> 00:12:19,733
Kraft Singles and ajar of apple sauce?
270
00:12:19,905 --> 00:12:21,964
That's the saddest lunch I've ever seen.
271
00:12:22,675 --> 00:12:25,803
Yeah, Birdie ate my first lunch
off the counter. It was so cute.
272
00:12:25,978 --> 00:12:28,412
But she's gonna have trouble
passing that sandwich bag.
273
00:12:29,615 --> 00:12:31,606
So, now what, are you gonna dip
the cheese in the apple sauce,
274
00:12:31,784 --> 00:12:33,581
or roll the apple sauce in the
cheese like a burrito?
275
00:12:34,086 --> 00:12:35,075
You sound interested.
276
00:12:35,287 --> 00:12:36,686
You wanna trade for half your lunch?
277
00:12:36,856 --> 00:12:38,687
Sure. I got a quinoa salad with tuna.
278
00:12:38,991 --> 00:12:40,185
I'm good.
279
00:12:41,660 --> 00:12:42,684
Mikey!
280
00:12:42,962 --> 00:12:44,486
Hey, Ma, what are you doing here?
281
00:12:44,663 --> 00:12:47,257
I was across the street at the Sam's Club.
282
00:12:47,433 --> 00:12:48,491
You bent over the other night
283
00:12:48,667 --> 00:12:50,635
and I saw you might need new briefs.
284
00:12:51,203 --> 00:12:52,602
Ma, you didn't have to do that.
285
00:12:53,172 --> 00:12:54,264
Here at work.
286
00:12:55,374 --> 00:12:57,342
'Course I did.
I wanted to make sure they fit.
287
00:12:57,643 --> 00:12:58,940
Hey, Ma, while you're here,
288
00:12:59,111 --> 00:13:01,272
not for nothing, but next time
you're over at the house,
289
00:13:01,447 --> 00:13:03,278
try not to say horrible things to my wife.
290
00:13:03,549 --> 00:13:04,538
What are you talking about?
291
00:13:04,717 --> 00:13:06,844
That shot you made about
what kind of mother she'd be.
292
00:13:07,019 --> 00:13:08,884
- She knew what I meant.
- What did you mean?
293
00:13:09,054 --> 00:13:10,544
That she'd be a horrible mother.
294
00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:13,789
I don't know how she'd take that wrong.
295
00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:16,557
Look, Molly's gonna make a great mom.
296
00:13:16,729 --> 00:13:18,959
It's not her fault that she
hasn't had the best example.
297
00:13:19,532 --> 00:13:20,521
That's true.
298
00:13:20,733 --> 00:13:23,065
They don't have the kind
of relationship that we have.
299
00:13:23,369 --> 00:13:24,358
Ah, darn it.
300
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:28,035
Oh, here, give me that.
You're making a mess.
301
00:13:28,874 --> 00:13:31,138
I guess I'm just gonna have to step up
302
00:13:31,310 --> 00:13:33,801
and try to be more of
a role model for her.
303
00:13:33,979 --> 00:13:34,968
Yeah, show her
304
00:13:35,147 --> 00:13:38,241
what a healthy mother-child
relationship should be.
305
00:13:43,923 --> 00:13:45,515
I wouldn't show that to anyone.
306
00:13:46,425 --> 00:13:47,983
Wait, wait. Do the airplane.
307
00:13:55,401 --> 00:13:57,494
Okay, let's go over this one more time.
308
00:13:57,670 --> 00:14:00,332
When I say "Joyce," you do what? "Joyce."
309
00:14:01,740 --> 00:14:04,402
Good girl. And when I say,
"Goodbye, honey!"
310
00:14:04,777 --> 00:14:06,176
Oh, good girl.
311
00:14:06,378 --> 00:14:07,868
Mike was right, you are smart.
312
00:14:10,249 --> 00:14:11,238
Hey.
313
00:14:11,517 --> 00:14:13,075
Hey, I'm glad you're both here.
314
00:14:13,586 --> 00:14:14,951
I've got some bad news.
315
00:14:15,888 --> 00:14:17,617
Birdie's moms made bail this morning.
316
00:14:17,790 --> 00:14:19,052
They want her back tonight.
317
00:14:19,792 --> 00:14:21,089
There's nothing you could do?
318
00:14:21,594 --> 00:14:23,027
You are a cop. You're above the law.
319
00:14:23,195 --> 00:14:24,287
Plant something on 'em.
320
00:14:24,630 --> 00:14:27,690
It's already done.
Look, we knew this day was gonna come.
321
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:29,095
We could say the dog ran away.
322
00:14:29,268 --> 00:14:31,361
I'll take her, lay low
till things cool off.
323
00:14:31,537 --> 00:14:33,266
You get a dog that looks just like Birdie,
324
00:14:33,439 --> 00:14:34,736
run her over with your car a few times...
325
00:14:34,907 --> 00:14:35,965
Vince!
326
00:14:36,909 --> 00:14:38,706
I'm sorry! I'm spinning out here.
327
00:14:39,245 --> 00:14:42,544
- What's going on?
- We gotta take the dog back.
328
00:14:43,282 --> 00:14:44,613
- I'm sorry.
- Are you?
329
00:14:44,817 --> 00:14:45,977
- Yes.
- Are you?
330
00:14:46,151 --> 00:14:47,379
- Yes!
- All right!
331
00:14:48,153 --> 00:14:49,882
We're all a little raw right now.
332
00:14:50,055 --> 00:14:52,285
Vince, grab her stuff
and I'll meet you in the car.
333
00:14:52,458 --> 00:14:54,449
I can't do it. Too painful.
334
00:14:54,627 --> 00:14:55,889
Well, I can't do it either.
335
00:14:57,663 --> 00:14:59,062
Ugh. Give me the leash.
336
00:14:59,231 --> 00:15:00,755
What are you gonna do to her?
337
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,732
She already hates me, I'll do it.
338
00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:06,064
She'll probably be happy
to get away from me.
339
00:15:06,639 --> 00:15:07,970
Thank you.
340
00:15:09,108 --> 00:15:12,942
Okay, well, I guess this is it.
You gotta go home now.
341
00:15:13,112 --> 00:15:16,309
We can't keep you anymore.
I'm gonna miss you so much.
342
00:15:16,515 --> 00:15:19,177
Oh, cut it out. You're making
this harder than it is.
343
00:15:19,351 --> 00:15:22,912
Now, go on.
Go on, you big dummy. Go home!
344
00:15:24,623 --> 00:15:26,853
I should go check on him. He's a mess.
345
00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:32,762
Boy, you got those two wrapped
around your fat little paw.
346
00:15:40,205 --> 00:15:43,106
Look, I don't know
what your problem is with me.
347
00:15:43,275 --> 00:15:46,301
But whatever vibe you think
you're picking up,
348
00:15:46,545 --> 00:15:47,842
you're wrong.
349
00:15:49,715 --> 00:15:50,943
I'm a nice person.
350
00:15:51,250 --> 00:15:53,343
Just because we didn't connect,
351
00:15:53,519 --> 00:15:57,353
doesn't mean that I'm unloving or cold.
352
00:15:57,523 --> 00:15:58,615
Maybe it's you.
353
00:16:00,292 --> 00:16:03,455
Maybe this is something that
you've gotta work through.
354
00:16:06,365 --> 00:16:09,892
I mean, we all have to work
through some stuff.
355
00:16:10,069 --> 00:16:12,037
I mean, judgmental mother-in-law,
356
00:16:12,204 --> 00:16:14,468
or not-as-good-as-you-thought
mothers, but...
357
00:16:15,474 --> 00:16:18,568
I mean, thinking that I'm not
gonna be a good mother
358
00:16:18,744 --> 00:16:21,645
because a dog doesn't like me? Please.
359
00:16:23,582 --> 00:16:26,050
It doesn't bother me at all.
360
00:16:26,385 --> 00:16:27,613
Ooh.
361
00:16:28,387 --> 00:16:30,218
Watch it, jackass!
362
00:16:30,756 --> 00:16:32,155
You all right, huh?
363
00:16:32,424 --> 00:16:33,413
Oh...
364
00:16:33,859 --> 00:16:38,023
Are you giving me kisses?
Are you giving me kisses?
365
00:16:38,230 --> 00:16:40,596
Yes, you are. I knew you'd like me.
366
00:16:41,266 --> 00:16:42,961
Oh! Ow!
367
00:16:44,503 --> 00:16:45,993
That's... I'm not gonna tell Mike.
368
00:16:46,171 --> 00:16:48,537
I'm not gonna tell Mike that.
369
00:16:50,109 --> 00:16:51,736
I'm gonna be an amazing mother.
370
00:16:54,780 --> 00:16:57,112
I knew it. I knew it.
371
00:17:03,655 --> 00:17:04,781
I'm telling you, Mike,
372
00:17:04,957 --> 00:17:07,824
it broke my heart giving Birdie
back to her owners.
373
00:17:07,993 --> 00:17:11,656
But in the end,
I think she might have loved me
374
00:17:11,830 --> 00:17:14,094
even a little bit more than she loved you.
375
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:17,434
Of course she did. Everybody does.
376
00:17:17,603 --> 00:17:18,797
Except your mother.
377
00:17:18,971 --> 00:17:20,370
Ah, don't listen to her. She's nuts.
378
00:17:21,206 --> 00:17:23,606
Mine preferred Virginia Slims over babies.
379
00:17:25,844 --> 00:17:28,039
- They mean well.
- Do they?
380
00:17:29,081 --> 00:17:30,446
I can't tell anymore.
381
00:17:31,683 --> 00:17:34,015
Do you think our own kids
are gonna think we're crazy?
382
00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:36,286
If we do our jobs right.
383
00:17:38,624 --> 00:17:39,852
Oh!
384
00:17:41,660 --> 00:17:43,287
Oh...
385
00:17:43,562 --> 00:17:44,620
I miss Birdie.
386
00:17:46,799 --> 00:17:47,823
She'll be fine.
387
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:54,000
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll