(NARRATOR READING)
Ripped By mstoll
(ALL CHEERING)
Yeah! We are the bosses of blowing up Death Stars!
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
(JO YFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALL CHATTING INDISTINCTLY)
(GROANS)
Yoda!
Obi-Wan.
- Some other guy? - I'm Anakin Skywalker, your father.
Oh. You didn't look like that five minutes ago.
Hey, hey! The old gang's together again.
It's all good. Forgive and forget. Right, fellow ghost buddy?
- This one's mine. - (GRUNTS)
That's the second time this has happened today!
- Thanks, other guy I don't know. - My name is Mace...
WINDU: Oh... He's gone.
NARRATOR: As the party ends and the new era dawns,
the victorious Rebels set off across the galaxy
to begin their new mission of keeping the peace
and rebuilding the Republic.
And some of them were on cleanup duty.
I was programmed to take my litter home with me.
LEIA: Lighten up, Threepio.
We just won a war, we're allowed to get a little carried away.
You're right, of course. A celebration.
And no one is more jubilant than I or Artoo,
since together we have endured three decades of unrelenting conflict.
That's 30 years.
Then you two fought in the Clone Wars with Obi-Wan?
Indeed. And with Master Yoda
and your father, before he became Darth Vader, of course.
Wait, what? Luke's father is Darth Vader?
Everybody knows that. We learned of it months ago.
I was frozen in carbonite. Sue me!
Threepio, you must have amazing stories about those days.
I'd love to hear them.
And I would love to regale you with them, but there's no time.
Artoo and I are leaving shortly to accompany Admiral Ackbar
on a mission to liberate the lost battle droids of Mandalore.
My sweet ride's first mission.
(SNIFFS) Ah!
Still has that new starfighter smell.
Your mission can wait a bit. We want to hear your story.
B-b-but the Admiral is most anxious to set off...
No hurry. It'll give me more time to buff this little lady.
Go ahead, Threepio. Tell us your story.
The truth is I don't remember any of it!
- It seems my memory was wiped. - (ARTOO BEEPS)
You have had my memory all this time?
Well, jump to it, Artoo.
Now, thanks to you, I do have a story to tell.
- (CLICKS) - (CHIMES)
Ah, yes, it is all coming back to me now.
I can remember it as...
(STAMMERS MECHANICALLY)
If it were yesterday.
Let us begin at the beginning,
when a phantom menace arose that led to an attack of the clones.
- Buckle up, it is a thrilling tale. - (ALL GASPING)
Turmoil had engulfed the Galactic Republic.
(ALL EX CLAIMING)
The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems was in dispute.
(ALL SNORING)
Oh, uh, well, perhaps I should fast forward
to the day the unfinished, pre-gold-plated me
first laid eyes on Anakin Skywalker,
the boy who would become Darth Vader.
There, you're half done. Now, what should I call you?
- I've always been fond of Kevin. - You are C-3PO.
Best name ever.
- Ani, it's lunchtime. - Yippee!
I made you a PB&J on rye.
I find your lack of white bread disturbing.
But I have sourdough.
Yippee!
We didn't know we were about to meet a queen and two Jedi
who didn't know that they were about to meet a terrible fate.
Master Qui-Gon, that was some negotiation.
The Trade Federation Viceroys attacked us, and now we're on the run.
All that matters now is breaking through this blockade
so Queen Amidala won't be forced to sign that treaty.
- Can you tell me why again? - Even I'm not 100% sure.
- Uh... Well, um, I know it! - (EXPLOSION)
The shield generator's been hit. I'll send the droids to fix it.
(ALARM BEEPING)
What's going on-sa?
Me-sa thought I'd have a big part in this story!
(CHUCKLES)
He did it. The shield is repaired. Our troubles are over.
(POWERING DOWN)
- But unfortunately, we are out of fuel. - (ALL SCREAMING)
Our rough landing damaged the ship's hyperdrive.
We'll procure a new one in Mos Espa.
- Uh, you stay here with the ship. - Yes, Master.
QUI GON: Don't go anywhere.
OBI-WAN: That won't be a problem.
DARTH: You are the worst bad guys ever!
All I ask is that the Trade Federation help me destroy the Republic.
But, no! You fools let Queen Amidala escape Naboo,
- and I need her to sign that treaty. - Oh...
- Can you explain why to us again? - Well, it's... Never mind why!
Leave the Jedi to me and my apprentice.
This is Darth Maul.
- Awesome. - He will hunt the Jedi down.
Awesome
Then the Senate will feel the pain of...
Awesome! Awesome! Awesome, and handsome!
- Cut that out! - You never let me be me.
C-3PO: Meanwhile, on Tatooine,
Padmé, Qui-Gon, and Artoo stumbled upon the juncture
where Anakin and I were working.
It was a most memorable meeting.
Hello there. You seem like a friendly sort of fellow.
My name is C-3PO, human cyborg...
Probably caught him on a bad day.
You can't afford what Watto charges for a hyperdrive,
but I can help you.
- You can? - Sure.
Bet on me in the big Podrace tomorrow.
When I win it, you'll be able to buy 100 hyperdrives.
Anakin, I think there's something unique and different about you.
A power and gift I've never seen in a child.
Red flag. Red flags here!
You'll do great things for the Republic.
Can't warn anyone from making a tragic mistake without a red flag.
Have you ever considered being a Jedi?
Big red flags!
FODESINBEED: Live, on ESPA,
it's the Boonta Eve Podrace Championship,
sponsored by Chalmun's Spaceport Cantina in Mos Eisley.
You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Coming to the starting line are today's racers.
Mawhonic in his Mean Green Machine, Sebulba in Speed Demon,
Ben Quadinaros in the Explode-At-The-Starting-Line-Mobile,
and Anakin Skywalker, in Destiny's Favourite.
Ani, Ani, he's our guy, his midi-chlorian level's high!
Victory is as good as ours.
Fun fact, Skywalker's never successfully completed
a Podrace before.
- ALL: Huh? - Say what?
(GRUNTS)
- Uh-oh. - ALL: Uh-oh.
Ooh...
He's great! My good feeling about this,
which turned into a bad feeling about this,
is now a good feeling about this.
(GROANS)
Not again-sa!
- (WHIZZING) - (BEEPS)
(WHIRRING)
(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
- (THUDDING) - Huh, huh.
Hi, I'm Anakin.
Watch where you're going!
(CHUCKLES)
Skywalker's the winner!
Looks like Skywalker has won his freedom from Watto,
and will now be trained as a Jedi by Qui-Gon Jinn.
But his mom and his protocol droid must stay behind.
That's gotta hurt.
But Mrs Skywalker manages to hold it together.
Goodbye, Ani.
Don't forget to write your name in your underwear for laundry day.
Master Qui-Gon, Naboo is under attack from the entire Trade Federation Army!
I must protect my people. Take me there.
I can't allow it.
We'd be putting you and this young boy in extreme danger.
Or we could go to the Senate debate on the new spice mining regulations.
Extreme danger, here we come!
Uh-oh.
Pilots, take out that droid control ship. We'll find the Viceroys.
What about me?
- Roger, roger. - QUI GON: Hide in that ship.
But whatever you do, do not accidentally hit a wrong button
that flies you up to the enemy's droid control ship.
I didn't hit the button by accident.
I did it on purpose.
Ugh, kids today.
(SCREAMS)
A Dark Lord of the Sith. The ancient evil enemy of the Jedi.
- We'll handle this. - Okay. See you.
That's an odd way to hold a standard one-bladed lightsaber.
- Two blades? - That is so cool!
This is cooler.
(GROANS)
Ahhh!
Obi-Wan, train the boy.
I have to live through the next five minutes first, but, okay.
(EX CLAIMS)
It was so smart of us to control
all of our battle droids from this one ship.
Now no one can stop us.
Oh, boy!
(GROANING CONTINUES)
Missed me!
A-ha, ha, ha, ha!
Oh... That can't be good.
Now, this is Podracing!
ANAKIN: And this is blowing stuff up!
- Hi, I'm Anakin. - Oh, no, a little kid!
(TRUMPETS BLOWING)
(MARCHING BAND PLAYING)
(ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
Qui-Gon would be very proud of you, Anakin.
- I'll be your teacher now. - Yippee!
- Can I begin my training today? - I'm a little tired. How about tomorrow?
Don't make me destroy you.
Today is fine.
Yippee!
Anakin, I'll be watching your career with great interest.
(CACKLING)
Nobody look at me!
You'll be a great Jedi, Anakin.
I hope I see a lot more of you in the future.
Danger signs! Get your flashing danger signs!
Thus began a love story that would lead to
a secret wedding on Naboo many years later,
just as the Clone Wars were starting.
Artoo and I were there. Oh! It was so romantic.
(ALL GROANING)
Threepio, we don't care about a wedding.
Yeah! Tell us how the Clone Wars started.
Boys and their battles! (SCOFFS)
Princess Leia, I'm sure you would love to hear
- about your parents' wedding. - Clone Wars! Clone wars!
Clone Wars! Clone Wars! Clone Wars! Clone Wars!
Oh, very well. I suppose it was quite a thrilling tale.
And Artoo and I were there all the way to the end.
Don't leave the stage, Artoo. This is your story, too.
(ARTOO BEEPS)
Ten years had passed. Padmé was no longer a queen.
- She'd been promoted to Senator. - ALL: Huh?
I don't quite understand that either.
She was under threat from sinister forces working against the Republic.
Anakin had grown into a headstrong Padawan.
He and Obi-Wan were assigned to protect Padmé.
- Hi. - Hi.
- C-3PO: It wasn't easy. - Ha, ha.
Missed me! I'm the real Padmé.
Uh-oh...
(FIRING)
There's the shooter!
I've got this.
Wow, I'm good.
- Oh, man! I want a jet pack! - Jedi don't need jet packs.
You're just jealous of me 'cause I'm the Chosen One.
I'm not jealous of you.
- "The Chosen One." - I heard that.
The assailant's saberdart came from Kamino.
- I'll go there to investigate. - No. Obi-Wan will go.
Anakin, your place is here guarding Senator Amidala.
- But... - No buts!
- Immature still you are. - I am not immature!
- Are too. - Am not!
- Are too. Are too. Are too! - (ARTOO SHRIEKS)
Not you, Artoo. Him are too. Are too!
(GROANS)
I have arrived at Kamino.
All looks normal. Now, to open this door.
(CLATTERING)
(GASPS)
(ENERGY PULSATING)
Clones?
(GLASS SHATTERING)
ALL: Hi. Are you our leader?
I'd better report this to the Council.
Bye-bye. Call us when you need us.
I found a cloning facility here that's...
Not so fast, Jedi.
You'll pay for attacking Senator Amidala.
Try and make me.
(BOTH YELLING)
(BOTH GROANING)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
They said I'm just some hothead, Padmé.
Well, I'll show them they're wrong about me.
They are so wrong!
- Maybe if you tried to act more calm? - I am acting calm!
(PHONE RINGING)
Anakin, after Jango Fett and I both dried off,
I followed him to Geonosis,
where the Sith and Separatists are building an army of battle droids.
But I've got this. It's no biggie.
Do not come here to rescue me.
Repeat, do not come! Don't be a hero!
Clearly, I need to go there and be a hero.
I hope we're not too late to save Obi-Wan from those battle droids.
Either way, we're ready for a fight.
Fight? This is madness.
- When did you get here? - It is a rather long story, I'm afraid.
We've arrived on Geonosis. All looks normal.
Now, to open this door.
Whoa!
- It's a giant battle droid factory. - Cool.
(ALL GROANING)
Not cool!
We're doomed.
Just pretend this is a video game, which this in no way resembles.
Follow me.
(VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYING)
(BEEPING)
C-3PO: Game over indeed!
The evil Count Dooku had almost destroyed us
in a gladiatorial arena...
I have had it with these blaster-firing droids
on this battle droid-making planet!
Ditto!
C-3PO: ...when we were saved by...
It's the attack of the clones!
If the clones are on our side,
then why didn't you say "rescue" by the clones?
- "Attack of" sounds more exciting. - True dat.
C-3PO: Our general was Master Yoda...
Fire!
...who was very agile in those days.
Remember, he wasn't 900 years old then.
He was only 874.
Well, well, my old teacher.
It's my time to teach you a few things.
Wrong you are, Count Dooku.
Here are some lessons you did not learn from the dark side.
Now you will feel the wrath of my...
Not done showing off yet, I am.
(SCATTING)
I'll just let myself out.
Good news, Lord Sidious. The Clone War has begun.
Just as I had planned.
And here are the blueprints for your new superweapon.
(SQUEALING) Goody-goody gumdrops!
(CHUCKLES)
The Clone Wars had started and the stage was set
for the fall of the Republic.
And Artoo and I were right in the thick of it.
Weren't we, Artoo? Artoo?
(ALARM BEEPS)
R2-D2, where are you?
(BEEPS)
You shouldn't have followed me.
(ARTOO SHRIEKS)
Artoo, no!
- My best friend is gone! - My sweet ride is gone!
- We've got to bring him back. - I'll take you. Quick, to my old ship!
(ALARM BEEPS)
Hurry! We must save Artoo.
Now, hold on. Let me clear off the fast-food wrappers
on the passenger seat and...
I don't care about the trash. Let's go! Now!
(RATTLING)
There goes a loyal friend.
And a very dedicated vehicle owner.
Stay strong, Artoo.
Your buddy's coming to bring you home.
You stay strong, too, Daisy Mae.
That's her name. Deal with it.
NARRATOR: Will C-3PO find his friend?
And who is that mysterious rogue?
To find out, watch the further exciting chapters of Droid Tales.
Ripped By mstoll