1
00:00:03,029 --> 00:00:04,392
Hey, honey. What's up?
2
00:00:04,432 --> 00:00:05,664
I'm on with The Gooch.
3
00:00:05,666 --> 00:00:07,233
Oh, I love The Gooch!
4
00:00:07,235 --> 00:00:09,362
Give me a Pearl Jam
trivia question. I...
5
00:00:09,387 --> 00:00:11,965
You're... you're talking to
Seattle's number one Pearl Jam fan.
6
00:00:11,990 --> 00:00:15,193
If you don't believe me, ask any one
of the four message boards I moderate.
7
00:00:16,511 --> 00:00:19,195
Mike, I lost your rake.
Can I borrow another one?
8
00:00:19,220 --> 00:00:20,601
He's on with The Gooch!
9
00:00:20,626 --> 00:00:25,084
Ooh, I love The Gooch. I love it
when he says, "You got Gooched," eh?
10
00:00:25,086 --> 00:00:28,201
Shh, shh, shh. Name two
ex-Pearl Jam drummers.
11
00:00:28,226 --> 00:00:31,513
How about four? Ah, Dave
Krusen, Matt Chamberlain,
12
00:00:31,538 --> 00:00:34,742
Dave Abbruzzese, Jack
Irons. (mouths) Slam!
13
00:00:37,134 --> 00:00:39,937
- I won? I won! I'm going to Pearl Jam!
- Oh!
14
00:00:39,962 --> 00:00:41,200
That's awesome.
15
00:00:41,202 --> 00:00:42,765
Yeah, I'm in a room full of people.
16
00:00:42,790 --> 00:00:44,316
He wants me to turn the radio up.
17
00:00:44,819 --> 00:00:46,835
So, caller, are you happy?
18
00:00:46,860 --> 00:00:48,743
- Ecstatic.
- That's great.
19
00:00:48,768 --> 00:00:52,272
Well, it would be great if this
weren't The Prank of the Week!
20
00:00:52,297 --> 00:00:54,447
(spring boings, sad horn warbles)
21
00:00:54,449 --> 00:00:56,345
We don't really have Pearl Jam tickets.
22
00:00:56,370 --> 00:00:58,002
You just got Gooched.
23
00:00:58,027 --> 00:01:00,389
Ha-hah! That's what I was talking about.
24
00:01:01,888 --> 00:01:03,408
Well, it's official.
25
00:01:04,092 --> 00:01:05,692
There is no God.
26
00:01:06,861 --> 00:01:08,780
What's wrong with Dad? Did someone die?
27
00:01:08,805 --> 00:01:10,229
In a way, yes.
28
00:01:10,746 --> 00:01:13,291
He just lost out on Pearl Jam Tickets.
29
00:01:13,316 --> 00:01:14,588
Oh, I can get you those.
30
00:01:14,613 --> 00:01:18,261
Stella, you better not be joking,
and that goes for all of you.
31
00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:20,784
Do not [bleep] with me right now.
32
00:01:22,009 --> 00:01:24,142
I'm serious, Dad.
33
00:01:24,445 --> 00:01:27,518
My new boyfriend, Hashtag,
he's the drummer of Riptide,
34
00:01:27,815 --> 00:01:29,782
They're the band that's
opening for Pearl Jam.
35
00:01:30,351 --> 00:01:33,511
There is a God, and He rocks.
36
00:01:33,536 --> 00:01:36,183
That is awesome. Can you
get another ticket for Shea?
37
00:01:36,208 --> 00:01:37,910
Can't it be just a you and me thing?
38
00:01:37,935 --> 00:01:40,317
It could be a Daddy-Stella
date like when I was little.
39
00:01:40,342 --> 00:01:41,995
You know what? We'll
fly there in my chopper
40
00:01:42,020 --> 00:01:43,782
just like we did in the old days.
41
00:01:43,807 --> 00:01:45,641
Ah! I love you, Stella.
42
00:01:45,666 --> 00:01:47,381
I love all of you right now.
43
00:01:48,468 --> 00:01:49,692
Dad...
44
00:01:50,271 --> 00:01:52,477
have your eyes always been so blue?
45
00:01:55,408 --> 00:01:57,476
They're green, but thank you.
46
00:02:01,014 --> 00:02:02,433
Good morning, all.
47
00:02:02,592 --> 00:02:05,434
Shea, are you wearing the
same thing you wore last night?
48
00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:08,643
I am. And we all know
what that indicates.
49
00:02:09,390 --> 00:02:13,476
Oh, my God. You're doing the
walk of shame. That's my thing.
50
00:02:13,528 --> 00:02:16,792
Is it a walk of shame if
I'm proud of it? I think not.
51
00:02:17,832 --> 00:02:20,232
All I can think of now
is when can I text him?
52
00:02:20,234 --> 00:02:22,401
Or should I wait for him to text me?
53
00:02:22,403 --> 00:02:24,832
What's the proper postcoital protocol?
54
00:02:25,072 --> 00:02:27,072
You know what? No biggie. Whatever.
55
00:02:27,074 --> 00:02:28,666
Somebody tell me what to do.
56
00:02:29,510 --> 00:02:30,976
Do not text him.
57
00:02:30,978 --> 00:02:33,390
- You'll look desperate.
- They're right.
58
00:02:33,415 --> 00:02:35,093
You need a distraction.
59
00:02:35,118 --> 00:02:38,063
You should come to my poker game.
It's just me and a few other guards.
60
00:02:38,088 --> 00:02:39,289
Thanks, Grandma.
61
00:02:39,314 --> 00:02:43,179
Well, while you hens are clucking over
the cards, I'll be at the gun range.
62
00:02:43,204 --> 00:02:46,585
I gotta stay sharp in case they
call me back in for one last case.
63
00:02:46,610 --> 00:02:49,958
Oh, would that be the case
of the delusional old man?
64
00:02:54,668 --> 00:02:56,803
You know, I used to
shoot when I was a kid.
65
00:02:56,904 --> 00:02:59,371
Going out back with my Pa.
66
00:02:59,373 --> 00:03:02,808
Target practice with cans and bottles.
67
00:03:02,810 --> 00:03:04,777
The rusted out El Camino,
68
00:03:04,779 --> 00:03:07,209
the other rusted out El Camino.
69
00:03:07,281 --> 00:03:09,293
I didn't know you could shoot.
70
00:03:09,318 --> 00:03:12,468
Once shot a possum without
even slowing the tractor down.
71
00:03:12,553 --> 00:03:15,068
I love when Mom gets all "Duck Dynasty."
72
00:03:16,190 --> 00:03:18,357
Hey, why don't I come with you, Bob?
73
00:03:18,359 --> 00:03:20,633
Ah, I like to shoot alone, Martina.
74
00:03:20,799 --> 00:03:22,228
Yeah, I understand.
75
00:03:22,230 --> 00:03:25,370
I mean, what guy likes
being shown up by a woman?
76
00:03:25,907 --> 00:03:29,041
Passive aggressive challenge, eh?
77
00:03:29,066 --> 00:03:30,724
Accepted.
78
00:03:31,558 --> 00:03:32,758
(beer plunks in trashcan)
79
00:03:32,783 --> 00:03:35,785
(upbeat music)
80
00:03:35,810 --> 00:03:41,414
♪
81
00:03:42,255 --> 00:03:45,976
Sync & corrections by PetaG
www.addic7ed.com
82
00:03:46,570 --> 00:03:50,424
All right, I found my favorite Pearl
Jam T-shirt, socks, boxer shorts...
83
00:03:50,449 --> 00:03:52,636
Where is my Ten Club hoodie?
84
00:03:52,661 --> 00:03:55,324
Ah, it's in the drawer
next to your Pearl Jammies.
85
00:03:57,318 --> 00:03:59,724
How could jammies that rock so hard...
86
00:03:59,749 --> 00:04:01,249
be so soft?
87
00:04:03,709 --> 00:04:07,355
Look, honey, I know you're excited
about the show, but the thing is...
88
00:04:07,380 --> 00:04:09,565
Don't finish that sentence, Martina.
89
00:04:10,617 --> 00:04:12,984
I know that whatever you're about to say
90
00:04:12,986 --> 00:04:16,654
is somehow going to ruin my
enjoyment of this concert.
91
00:04:16,656 --> 00:04:17,889
But I have to say it.
92
00:04:17,914 --> 00:04:19,890
- Resist.
- But it's important.
93
00:04:19,892 --> 00:04:22,194
Fight it. Fight it!
94
00:04:23,750 --> 00:04:27,131
I Googled Stella's boyfriend, Hashtag,
just to see what he looked like,
95
00:04:27,133 --> 00:04:28,866
and there was a link to a blog,
96
00:04:28,868 --> 00:04:31,780
and it's all very hush-hush
so the fans won't know,
97
00:04:31,805 --> 00:04:33,280
but Hashtag's married.
98
00:04:33,305 --> 00:04:37,183
Ugh! You and that Google! Geez.
99
00:04:37,208 --> 00:04:38,541
You think Stella knows?
100
00:04:38,544 --> 00:04:40,845
No. I'm sure she doesn't.
101
00:04:40,847 --> 00:04:42,780
I mean, Stella does a lot of bad things,
102
00:04:42,782 --> 00:04:45,467
but I don't think she would
want to ruin a marriage.
103
00:04:45,492 --> 00:04:46,984
We have to tell her.
104
00:04:46,986 --> 00:04:48,886
All right, in situations like this,
105
00:04:48,888 --> 00:04:51,914
I like to ask myself: W.W.E.V.D?
106
00:04:52,492 --> 00:04:53,921
What would Eddie Vedder do?
107
00:04:55,862 --> 00:05:00,364
Any chance he'd sit down with
his daughter and open a dialogue?
108
00:05:00,366 --> 00:05:05,067
No, he'd grab his ax and head off to
East Java with surf god Laird Hamilton;
109
00:05:05,571 --> 00:05:08,021
drop in on some major tubular action.
110
00:05:08,908 --> 00:05:11,435
And how does that help us?
111
00:05:11,766 --> 00:05:13,931
It doesn't. It's just
fun to think about.
112
00:05:17,749 --> 00:05:19,250
Mike, come back. (snapping)
113
00:05:19,252 --> 00:05:21,782
Okay, fine. You know
what? I'm gonna tell her.
114
00:05:21,807 --> 00:05:24,667
She'll break up with Hashtag,
and I won't go to the concert.
115
00:05:25,091 --> 00:05:27,658
And it's the right thing to
do, and we'll all be happy.
116
00:05:27,660 --> 00:05:32,924
So if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna
take a sad nap in my Pearl Jammies.
117
00:05:37,069 --> 00:05:40,337
So, you spent last night with him,
and he still hasn't texted you?
118
00:05:40,339 --> 00:05:41,772
- No.
- Called you?
119
00:05:41,774 --> 00:05:43,184
- No.
- Sent flowers?
120
00:05:43,209 --> 00:05:45,342
Flowers? Guys don't send flowers
121
00:05:45,344 --> 00:05:47,113
after the first time
you sleep with them.
122
00:05:47,138 --> 00:05:49,095
They do if you're doing it right.
123
00:05:50,049 --> 00:05:51,970
Oh, I did it right.
124
00:05:52,618 --> 00:05:53,837
I'm pretty sure.
125
00:05:55,088 --> 00:05:57,054
I'm sure you did, sweetie.
126
00:05:57,056 --> 00:06:00,891
Your breadstick body can be just
as much fun as a real woman's.
127
00:06:02,149 --> 00:06:05,663
Shea, the bottom line is
you can't text him first.
128
00:06:05,665 --> 00:06:09,133
Yeah, I hear what you're saying,
but what if I really, really want to?
129
00:06:09,135 --> 00:06:12,303
So, you just came in here to
get permission to text this guy?
130
00:06:12,305 --> 00:06:15,681
Shea, nobody's gonna tell you
to do that. It's a bad idea.
131
00:06:15,706 --> 00:06:17,575
You got to play the game.
132
00:06:17,577 --> 00:06:21,045
Oh, Grandma, Nate's not like other guys.
He said he doesn't want to play games.
133
00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:23,919
Oh, honey, that's a classic
first move in the game.
134
00:06:23,944 --> 00:06:26,784
That's like the traditional
kickoff of the game.
135
00:06:26,786 --> 00:06:30,030
That's what someone who's good at
playing the game says about the game.
136
00:06:30,055 --> 00:06:32,980
- Mmm.
- Or, he just meant what he said.
137
00:06:33,826 --> 00:06:36,431
(all laugh)
138
00:06:36,456 --> 00:06:39,176
♪
139
00:06:39,201 --> 00:06:40,998
I think this is the first time you and I
140
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:43,058
have gone out and done
stuff, just the two of us.
141
00:06:43,083 --> 00:06:45,573
You're not gonna narrate like
this the whole time, are you?
142
00:06:47,606 --> 00:06:49,406
So, your old man taught you to shoot?
143
00:06:49,408 --> 00:06:51,057
Oh, so now you want to talk?
144
00:06:51,082 --> 00:06:54,913
Mine was about guns, not
about our relationship.
145
00:06:55,981 --> 00:06:58,549
Yeah. My dad taught me.
146
00:06:58,551 --> 00:07:00,237
He also taught me how to clean a fish,
147
00:07:00,262 --> 00:07:02,620
dress a deer, and open
a beer with my teeth.
148
00:07:03,922 --> 00:07:07,324
Only time we got along was
when we did stuff like that.
149
00:07:07,326 --> 00:07:08,988
Maybe he wanted a boy.
150
00:07:09,629 --> 00:07:14,900
Well, who knows what he wanted.
He was an angry old cuss.
151
00:07:14,925 --> 00:07:17,603
(gunshots)
152
00:07:17,970 --> 00:07:19,959
Wow. You stink.
153
00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:22,772
Well, you threw me off.
154
00:07:22,797 --> 00:07:24,997
A good shot doesn't get
thrown off that easily.
155
00:07:25,022 --> 00:07:26,821
Uh, let me show you how it's done.
156
00:07:26,846 --> 00:07:31,482
With that stance? Heh-heh-heh.
Your center of gravity is way off.
157
00:07:31,484 --> 00:07:33,314
My center of gravity is fine.
158
00:07:33,339 --> 00:07:35,793
Yeah, maybe thirty pounds ago it was.
159
00:07:38,435 --> 00:07:40,568
(gunshots)
160
00:07:41,493 --> 00:07:44,493
Son of a bitch. Look
what you made me do.
161
00:07:44,518 --> 00:07:47,385
I thought you said a good
shot doesn't get thrown off.
162
00:07:47,410 --> 00:07:50,167
Your cackling would throw
off the American Sniper.
163
00:07:50,192 --> 00:07:52,713
You know, I'm beginning to
see why we don't hang out.
164
00:07:52,738 --> 00:07:55,239
I didn't want you to come to
my range in the first place.
165
00:07:55,241 --> 00:07:57,081
Well, I know when I'm not wanted.
166
00:07:57,106 --> 00:07:58,534
I just said you're not wanted.
167
00:07:58,559 --> 00:08:00,309
That's how I know, dumb-ass.
168
00:08:02,832 --> 00:08:04,596
Eddie, Laird,
169
00:08:05,251 --> 00:08:09,378
we respected those waves,
and they respected us. Cheers.
170
00:08:09,655 --> 00:08:10,888
(phone rings)
171
00:08:10,890 --> 00:08:12,709
Laird, could you grab
that? You're closer.
172
00:08:13,906 --> 00:08:15,239
(phone rings)
173
00:08:16,554 --> 00:08:17,923
Fine, I'll grab it.
174
00:08:18,263 --> 00:08:19,463
(phone rings)
175
00:08:19,816 --> 00:08:22,099
- Hello?
- I want to kill your father.
176
00:08:22,101 --> 00:08:23,363
Take a number.
177
00:08:25,171 --> 00:08:26,753
Your number is two.
178
00:08:28,107 --> 00:08:31,486
The balls on that guy to insult
me while I'm holding a gun.
179
00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:33,128
(chuckles)
180
00:08:33,579 --> 00:08:34,912
Why are you laughing?
181
00:08:34,914 --> 00:08:38,706
I'm sorry. I know you're upset. But,
ah, I love hearing you trash him.
182
00:08:40,118 --> 00:08:42,624
Hey, how did Stella
take the Hashtag news?
183
00:08:42,626 --> 00:08:44,298
Well, here's the thing now.
184
00:08:44,323 --> 00:08:47,602
Ah... you know how you're always
saying that we got to let the girls
185
00:08:47,627 --> 00:08:49,111
make their own mistakes like adults.
186
00:08:49,136 --> 00:08:53,391
Well, you know, I've decided that
you're right, because, ah, if I meddle,
187
00:08:53,470 --> 00:08:56,189
Uh, I may jeopardize
Stella's independence.
188
00:08:56,214 --> 00:08:58,445
And your Pearl Jam tickets.
189
00:08:58,470 --> 00:08:59,969
Hadn't thought about that.
190
00:09:02,060 --> 00:09:03,402
W.W.E.V.D.
191
00:09:03,427 --> 00:09:06,536
What would Eddie Vedder do if his
daughter was in the same situation?
192
00:09:07,198 --> 00:09:09,188
He would take her to the Mike concert.
193
00:09:10,161 --> 00:09:11,608
Hm, no?
194
00:09:12,118 --> 00:09:14,922
All right, fine. Look, I
will, ah, I'll talk to her.
195
00:09:14,947 --> 00:09:16,677
I will talk to her right now.
196
00:09:17,860 --> 00:09:21,249
Ready for Daddy-Stella Date 2016?
197
00:09:21,405 --> 00:09:23,248
Yes, but first we have
to talk about something.
198
00:09:23,273 --> 00:09:25,362
Wait, what is that shirt you're wearing?
199
00:09:25,364 --> 00:09:26,664
Shea made this for me
200
00:09:26,666 --> 00:09:29,266
when we went to go
see Pearl Jam in 2002.
201
00:09:29,268 --> 00:09:33,154
See? It's pearl plus jam.
202
00:09:34,739 --> 00:09:36,571
Good old Shea.
203
00:09:37,009 --> 00:09:40,063
She may be the good one,
but did she ever get you...
204
00:09:40,379 --> 00:09:43,247
uh-front, uh-row, uh-seats?
205
00:09:43,249 --> 00:09:45,821
Front row seats? Oh, God.
206
00:09:46,452 --> 00:09:48,107
Oh, Stella, you're killing me.
207
00:09:48,132 --> 00:09:50,622
Look, there's something
that, ah, I wanted to tell you
208
00:09:50,647 --> 00:09:53,003
after the concert, but
I... I have to do it now.
209
00:09:54,693 --> 00:09:59,677
Sweetie, hurting you is the last thing
that I would ever want to do, but, um...
210
00:09:59,911 --> 00:10:01,176
Hashtag's married.
211
00:10:01,201 --> 00:10:02,401
I know.
212
00:10:02,548 --> 00:10:03,753
You do?
213
00:10:04,558 --> 00:10:08,380
You know that you're dating a married
man, and you are fine with that?
214
00:10:08,405 --> 00:10:09,606
(phone beeps)
215
00:10:09,608 --> 00:10:11,720
Oh, it's Hashtag.
216
00:10:11,745 --> 00:10:14,720
He wants to know if we want to get
drinks with Eddie after the concert.
217
00:10:14,745 --> 00:10:15,945
Yes.
218
00:10:16,815 --> 00:10:20,277
♪
219
00:10:20,909 --> 00:10:23,869
Okay, hypothetically,
let's say I do text him.
220
00:10:23,894 --> 00:10:25,363
What's the worst that could happen?
221
00:10:25,443 --> 00:10:29,985
Well, you could text him, he doesn't
text back, it drives you crazy,
222
00:10:30,010 --> 00:10:33,169
and the next thing you know, you're
facing 20 without chance of parole.
223
00:10:33,194 --> 00:10:34,668
- Mm.
- Mm.
224
00:10:35,664 --> 00:10:36,964
You're just trying to scare me.
225
00:10:36,966 --> 00:10:38,471
It's the truth.
226
00:10:38,496 --> 00:10:41,669
There was this one inmate...
good, church-going woman...
227
00:10:41,671 --> 00:10:43,637
her boyfriend didn't
call her the next day,
228
00:10:43,639 --> 00:10:45,544
she chased him, he pulled away...
229
00:10:45,569 --> 00:10:46,987
- As men do.
- Mm-hm.
230
00:10:47,012 --> 00:10:49,810
And she got so mad, she took a knife...
231
00:10:49,812 --> 00:10:51,178
My God, did she kill him?
232
00:10:51,180 --> 00:10:55,485
No! Didn't you hear me say she
was a good, church-going woman?
233
00:10:56,281 --> 00:10:58,386
She just cut off his [bleep].
234
00:11:00,195 --> 00:11:02,490
I saw the file. It had pictures.
235
00:11:02,492 --> 00:11:03,732
- Mm.
- Oh, me too.
236
00:11:03,757 --> 00:11:05,659
You know, when they're off the body,
237
00:11:05,661 --> 00:11:08,521
- they just don't look right.
- (all) Mm-mm.
238
00:11:08,546 --> 00:11:11,702
It's like seeing your junior
high teacher at the supermarket.
239
00:11:11,727 --> 00:11:14,000
- You don't belong here.
- Mm-hm.
240
00:11:15,375 --> 00:11:17,653
Agreed. They should be attached.
241
00:11:18,441 --> 00:11:21,221
And I get it. And thank you.
242
00:11:21,563 --> 00:11:24,145
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go for a walk.
243
00:11:24,147 --> 00:11:26,370
Nobody's gonna tell
you to text that boy.
244
00:11:26,382 --> 00:11:27,683
You don't know that!
245
00:11:27,708 --> 00:11:28,997
♪
246
00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:31,385
(gunshots)
247
00:11:31,387 --> 00:11:34,896
- Ugh.
- Well... one of those hit the target.
248
00:11:34,921 --> 00:11:36,262
My target.
249
00:11:38,226 --> 00:11:40,103
Less talkin'. More shootin'.
250
00:11:40,128 --> 00:11:42,454
Whatever you say, Annie Choke-ly.
251
00:11:43,821 --> 00:11:45,863
How long did it take you
to come up with that one?
252
00:11:45,888 --> 00:11:47,349
Not as long as you think.
253
00:11:48,371 --> 00:11:50,271
Let's just get to it, old man.
254
00:11:50,273 --> 00:11:52,994
Ooh, tough talk for someone
who shoots like a girl.
255
00:11:53,309 --> 00:11:54,818
I don't shoot like a girl.
256
00:11:54,843 --> 00:11:58,088
I shoot like a country-ass
redneck, and don't you forget it.
257
00:11:58,815 --> 00:12:03,392
And women shoot great, you grumpy,
stubborn, misogynistic, pig-headed...
258
00:12:03,417 --> 00:12:05,530
Just shut up and let me shoot, Linda.
259
00:12:07,289 --> 00:12:08,489
Linda?
260
00:12:10,583 --> 00:12:12,321
Oh...
261
00:12:12,346 --> 00:12:14,295
That's what's happening here.
262
00:12:14,297 --> 00:12:15,904
Nothing's happening here.
263
00:12:16,232 --> 00:12:19,834
You just called me by your ex-wife's
name, who you never talk about.
264
00:12:19,836 --> 00:12:21,540
Something's happening.
265
00:12:21,565 --> 00:12:24,448
Don't talk to me like
I'm one of your patients.
266
00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:27,274
You just threw a fish at a
fisherman. I'm gonna catch it.
267
00:12:27,276 --> 00:12:29,040
Just like your pappy taught you?
268
00:12:29,145 --> 00:12:30,644
What's that supposed to mean?
269
00:12:30,646 --> 00:12:33,110
You have got daddy issues.
270
00:12:33,427 --> 00:12:35,547
See? I can be a therapist, too.
271
00:12:36,466 --> 00:12:39,810
I've slept with enough younger women
to know what a daddy issue looks like.
272
00:12:41,923 --> 00:12:44,358
So, sleeping around after
your wife left you...
273
00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:46,848
yeah, nothing sad or
transparent about that.
274
00:12:47,263 --> 00:12:48,896
All right, that's it. I've had enough.
275
00:12:48,898 --> 00:12:50,655
Oh, wait, Bob. I...
276
00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:52,253
I'm sorry.
277
00:12:53,088 --> 00:12:55,582
I'm sorry if I crossed
the line there. Ah...
278
00:12:55,806 --> 00:12:58,883
maybe calling me Linda was
just a slip of the tongue.
279
00:12:58,908 --> 00:13:00,395
No, it wasn't.
280
00:13:01,810 --> 00:13:03,310
The truth is,
281
00:13:03,500 --> 00:13:05,218
you do remind me of her.
282
00:13:06,524 --> 00:13:09,514
Maybe that's why I didn't
like you right off the bat.
283
00:13:09,785 --> 00:13:11,246
You didn't?
284
00:13:11,354 --> 00:13:13,818
But I'm so great right off the bat.
285
00:13:14,657 --> 00:13:16,739
Off the bat's where I shine.
286
00:13:18,062 --> 00:13:20,753
I liked you, but I
was worried about Mike.
287
00:13:20,997 --> 00:13:24,589
I was afraid you'd grow tired of
him the way my ex grew tired of me.
288
00:13:25,272 --> 00:13:26,672
Hey...
289
00:13:26,697 --> 00:13:30,219
there's no way I'm ever leaving
Mike. He's too good looking.
290
00:13:31,509 --> 00:13:34,076
And he's aging very well.
I'm not giving that up.
291
00:13:34,101 --> 00:13:35,016
(laughs)
292
00:13:35,041 --> 00:13:36,726
Takes after his old man. Huh?
293
00:13:36,751 --> 00:13:38,258
Yes, he does.
294
00:13:39,173 --> 00:13:41,480
And I do have some daddy issues.
295
00:13:41,684 --> 00:13:43,584
He did want a boy.
296
00:13:43,586 --> 00:13:45,238
But I'm glad I was a girl,
297
00:13:45,321 --> 00:13:49,890
because that meant I'd never be what
he wanted, and I liked pissing him off.
298
00:13:49,892 --> 00:13:51,492
(both laughs)
299
00:13:51,494 --> 00:13:53,832
That may be my favorite
thing you've ever said.
300
00:13:54,212 --> 00:13:58,226
Still angry at the old man, not gonna
let it go. You're my kind of gal.
301
00:13:58,534 --> 00:13:59,799
That may be my favorite thing
302
00:13:59,824 --> 00:14:01,511
- you've ever said.
- Mm.
303
00:14:02,391 --> 00:14:05,934
You know, I don't understand a
man who doesn't want a daughter.
304
00:14:06,079 --> 00:14:07,682
I kind of wish I had one.
305
00:14:08,044 --> 00:14:11,151
Well, you have a daughter-in-law.
306
00:14:12,943 --> 00:14:16,667
A daughter-in-law who can
whoop your ass in shootin'.
307
00:14:17,186 --> 00:14:20,264
Well, we'll see about
that, Bitch Cassidy.
308
00:14:22,223 --> 00:14:23,524
That's the other one I had.
309
00:14:23,526 --> 00:14:24,858
(laughs, unamused)
310
00:14:24,860 --> 00:14:26,215
(gunshot)
311
00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:27,962
Bull's-eye.
312
00:14:31,900 --> 00:14:34,008
Wow, this brings back memories.
313
00:14:35,838 --> 00:14:38,345
How old were you on our
last helicopter date?
314
00:14:38,370 --> 00:14:39,870
Nine, maybe?
315
00:14:39,895 --> 00:14:44,057
You seemed like this magical
man who could make things fly.
316
00:14:44,393 --> 00:14:47,454
And there you were in
that seat looking up at me,
317
00:14:47,984 --> 00:14:50,159
biggest eyes I'd ever seen.
318
00:14:50,586 --> 00:14:53,641
So sweet and small and...
319
00:14:54,388 --> 00:14:57,317
- How could you be dating a married man?
- Oh, here we go.
320
00:14:57,342 --> 00:14:59,051
Well, didn't I raise
you better than that?
321
00:14:59,076 --> 00:15:00,469
Apparently not.
322
00:15:02,418 --> 00:15:04,031
Look, what do you want me to do?
323
00:15:04,033 --> 00:15:05,656
End things with him right now?
324
00:15:05,681 --> 00:15:08,114
Not go to the Pearl Jam
concert? Not meet Eddie?
325
00:15:08,139 --> 00:15:09,339
Well...
326
00:15:10,385 --> 00:15:11,874
let's not be hasty.
327
00:15:15,001 --> 00:15:17,311
It's just that, Stell,
your choices in men...
328
00:15:17,313 --> 00:15:19,680
losers, druggies, guys named Hashtag...
329
00:15:19,682 --> 00:15:22,742
do you ever think any of this
through? I mean, look at how Shea
330
00:15:22,767 --> 00:15:24,523
- analyzes everything...
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
331
00:15:24,548 --> 00:15:27,410
I'm the screwup, but perfect
Shea does everything right.
332
00:15:27,435 --> 00:15:30,872
- I bet you wish she was here right now.
- I do not wish she was here right now.
333
00:15:30,897 --> 00:15:32,097
- Well, that's unfortunate.
- Oh, my
334
00:15:32,114 --> 00:15:33,683
- God!
- Good Lord.
335
00:15:34,629 --> 00:15:36,964
Oh, my God, what are you doing here?
336
00:15:36,966 --> 00:15:39,292
I came here, but then I
felt dumb for coming here,
337
00:15:39,317 --> 00:15:42,603
so I hid, hoping to come up
with a plan to leave unnoticed.
338
00:15:42,605 --> 00:15:46,399
But then you started talking about
me, and, well, now you're up to speed.
339
00:15:47,109 --> 00:15:49,509
But why did you come
here in the first place?
340
00:15:49,534 --> 00:15:50,962
It's too embarrassing.
341
00:15:50,987 --> 00:15:53,347
Oh, this can't still be
whether to text that guy.
342
00:15:53,349 --> 00:15:56,036
Of course not. But I should, right?
343
00:15:57,656 --> 00:16:00,344
Oh, my God. Even your
problems are adorable.
344
00:16:00,369 --> 00:16:03,691
Well, they're certainly more adorable
than sleeping with a married man.
345
00:16:03,693 --> 00:16:06,411
You know what? Why don't you
and Shea just go to the concert.
346
00:16:06,436 --> 00:16:08,075
It's probably what you wanted.
347
00:16:08,100 --> 00:16:10,564
Just admit it. You
like her better than me.
348
00:16:10,566 --> 00:16:13,233
Just stop that. I do
not like Shea better.
349
00:16:13,258 --> 00:16:14,537
Yes, you do.
350
00:16:15,971 --> 00:16:17,889
But not in the way you think.
351
00:16:18,007 --> 00:16:21,555
It just appears that Mom and Dad
like me better because I'm no trouble.
352
00:16:21,980 --> 00:16:23,807
But you're brave,
353
00:16:23,832 --> 00:16:27,689
and brave people make more
mistakes and get into more trouble.
354
00:16:27,714 --> 00:16:30,018
But I admire your fearlessness.
355
00:16:30,219 --> 00:16:33,637
People like you wouldn't waste a
whole day scared to send a text.
356
00:16:33,870 --> 00:16:35,296
Thank you, Shea.
357
00:16:35,321 --> 00:16:36,557
So I should send it?
358
00:16:36,559 --> 00:16:38,616
- (both) No.
- Okay, okay.
359
00:16:39,946 --> 00:16:41,146
There.
360
00:16:44,165 --> 00:16:46,767
Oh, Stella, how could you
think I love Shea more than you?
361
00:16:46,769 --> 00:16:48,469
You call her "the good one."
362
00:16:48,471 --> 00:16:50,537
(scoffs) It's practically her nickname.
363
00:16:50,539 --> 00:16:53,885
Well, look, it's hard not to
give extra points to the easy one.
364
00:16:53,910 --> 00:16:56,364
But, ah, Shea's right.
365
00:16:56,530 --> 00:16:57,946
You're brave.
366
00:16:58,247 --> 00:16:59,625
And that's great.
367
00:16:59,749 --> 00:17:01,666
But it scares me.
368
00:17:01,849 --> 00:17:03,717
Now, when you were little,
I could protect you,
369
00:17:03,719 --> 00:17:06,730
but when you became a
teenager, everything changed.
370
00:17:06,755 --> 00:17:07,955
Why?
371
00:17:07,980 --> 00:17:10,233
Well, the way you looked,
the way you dressed,
372
00:17:10,265 --> 00:17:13,093
all those boys grabbing
at you like horny zombies.
373
00:17:13,095 --> 00:17:14,539
Yeah. Good times.
374
00:17:15,831 --> 00:17:18,225
I mean, that must
have been hard for you.
375
00:17:18,250 --> 00:17:19,549
It was,
376
00:17:19,574 --> 00:17:23,159
and, ah, maybe I pulled
back from you a little bit.
377
00:17:23,487 --> 00:17:25,596
Yeah, maybe I did, too.
378
00:17:25,621 --> 00:17:27,153
Well, I'm sorry.
379
00:17:27,309 --> 00:17:29,443
And it's something that we can work on.
380
00:17:29,445 --> 00:17:30,790
I'd like that.
381
00:17:32,183 --> 00:17:36,917
Look, Stell, I don't like either one
of you best, but I did love you first.
382
00:17:38,286 --> 00:17:41,790
And don't tell your sister, but
that will always make you special.
383
00:17:41,924 --> 00:17:43,620
Aw, Dad.
384
00:17:43,893 --> 00:17:45,726
Just don't date married men.
385
00:17:45,751 --> 00:17:48,616
Brave, I'll acknowledge,
but stupid, I put a stop to.
386
00:17:49,266 --> 00:17:51,284
Okay. I hear you.
387
00:17:51,500 --> 00:17:53,151
I will break up with him.
388
00:17:53,922 --> 00:17:55,461
But what about the concert?
389
00:17:55,787 --> 00:17:58,022
There are more important
things than getting to hang out
390
00:17:58,047 --> 00:17:59,645
(struggles to say) with Pearl Jam.
391
00:18:00,009 --> 00:18:01,684
Wow, Dad.
392
00:18:02,411 --> 00:18:03,759
I have an idea.
393
00:18:03,784 --> 00:18:07,529
How about we go to the concert
and I break up with him after?
394
00:18:08,252 --> 00:18:09,721
I like that plan.
395
00:18:09,729 --> 00:18:10,929
(laughs)
396
00:18:10,947 --> 00:18:13,896
- Who says Shea's the smart one?
- Not me.
397
00:18:13,921 --> 00:18:15,275
She's not here, right?
398
00:18:15,576 --> 00:18:18,017
♪
399
00:18:18,505 --> 00:18:21,629
♪
400
00:18:21,654 --> 00:18:23,610
Best Daddy-Stella date ever.
401
00:18:23,635 --> 00:18:26,431
- (yelling) What an amazing night!
- Where were your seats?
402
00:18:26,456 --> 00:18:28,288
(yelling) Right next to the speakers.
403
00:18:28,354 --> 00:18:31,077
So close, when Eddie spit
out his gum, I caught it.
404
00:18:33,057 --> 00:18:35,006
Is that the gum you're chewing now?
405
00:18:36,708 --> 00:18:38,042
No.
406
00:18:40,131 --> 00:18:44,158
Shea, I'm sorry that Nate didn't
text you, but you should be proud.
407
00:18:44,183 --> 00:18:46,857
You got through the whole
day without texting him.
408
00:18:47,247 --> 00:18:50,136
Yeah, about that... I thought to myself,
409
00:18:50,161 --> 00:18:51,884
- "What would Stella do?"
- (scoffs)
410
00:18:51,909 --> 00:18:54,637
(yelling) How many times do I have
to tell you? I'm not a role model.
411
00:18:54,662 --> 00:18:56,699
Look somewhere else for your heroes.
412
00:18:59,217 --> 00:19:01,690
I tried to be brave, so I texted him.
413
00:19:01,787 --> 00:19:03,787
And he hasn't texted me back.
414
00:19:03,812 --> 00:19:07,630
So here I am: a sad,
lonely little breadstick.
415
00:19:09,294 --> 00:19:11,528
- Good-bye, Nate Johnson.
- Aw.
416
00:19:11,530 --> 00:19:13,428
Bummer. Your only option now
417
00:19:13,453 --> 00:19:16,934
is to pretend you died and
re-meet him as your twin sister.
418
00:19:22,847 --> 00:19:24,047
Shea!
419
00:19:24,616 --> 00:19:25,834
Nate?
420
00:19:26,545 --> 00:19:28,078
I'm so glad I found you.
421
00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:29,965
You are? This sounds promising. Go on.
422
00:19:31,547 --> 00:19:33,245
Hey, look, I know you
think of Nate Johnson
423
00:19:33,270 --> 00:19:35,852
as this bad boy who
plays by his own rules.
424
00:19:35,854 --> 00:19:38,619
You know, the guy who flipped the
script on the astrophysics game.
425
00:19:38,857 --> 00:19:40,457
Of course I think that.
426
00:19:40,459 --> 00:19:43,329
Why do you think I broke my rules
and slept with you on our eighth date?
427
00:19:44,295 --> 00:19:47,731
Well, look. The thing is, I wanted
to text you or call you all day.
428
00:19:47,733 --> 00:19:52,042
You know, or send flowers, or
fruit, or mini muffins, or something.
429
00:19:52,705 --> 00:19:55,487
You know, to thank you
for all the stuff you did.
430
00:19:57,809 --> 00:19:59,226
So, I did well?
431
00:19:59,251 --> 00:20:02,041
I thought so. I'm very task-oriented.
432
00:20:04,333 --> 00:20:05,980
What do you think they're talking about?
433
00:20:06,005 --> 00:20:08,426
Shea just said she's good at doing it.
434
00:20:12,364 --> 00:20:14,164
So, my friend took my phone away,
435
00:20:14,166 --> 00:20:17,312
'cause he was scared that you'd be
turned off if I contacted you too soon.
436
00:20:17,337 --> 00:20:19,177
I wanted to text you all day, too.
437
00:20:19,666 --> 00:20:23,124
So, if you could've texted
me, what would've you said?
438
00:20:23,275 --> 00:20:24,663
That I missed you.
439
00:20:24,688 --> 00:20:26,290
I couldn't wait to see you again.
440
00:20:26,455 --> 00:20:28,744
Look, Shea, I'm just an astrophysicist,
441
00:20:28,746 --> 00:20:31,266
standing in front of
another astrophysicist...
442
00:20:31,950 --> 00:20:33,663
except I also have an MD.
443
00:20:34,438 --> 00:20:36,236
I'm just asking you to...
444
00:20:36,508 --> 00:20:37,887
like me, or whatever.
445
00:20:37,889 --> 00:20:39,692
That kind of fizzled
out at the end there.
446
00:20:39,860 --> 00:20:42,024
Oh, Nate. I do like you or whatever.
447
00:20:42,026 --> 00:20:43,492
(all) Aww.
448
00:20:43,494 --> 00:20:44,777
Privacy!
449
00:20:45,029 --> 00:20:46,496
But thank you for caring.
450
00:20:47,456 --> 00:20:51,948
She's even nice when she's pissed. At
this point, I like her better than me.
451
00:20:51,973 --> 00:20:55,130
Sync & corrections by PetaG
www.addic7ed.com