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MIKE: Previously on Mike & Molly...
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This is Frannie,
a former student of mine.
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- She's homeless.
- And pregnant.
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And she's telling us how she robs cars.
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(CAR ALARM BEEPS)
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You're gonna come home with me,
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and you can stay there
until we figure this out.
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God, no, no. You don't have to do that.
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I certainly am not gonna
put you out on the street
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to raise a baby.
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Oh, I'm not keeping the baby.
I'm giving it up.
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- Oh.
- I want it to have a safe home,
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and a chance at a good life.
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I'll take it.
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- I'll take that baby.
- (BOTH CHUCKLE)
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I made a promise to you two.
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If you want this baby
half as much as I do,
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you are never gonna forgive yourself
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if you keep this promise.
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We're still going to adopt.
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There's a baby out there
with our name on it.
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Before you know it, we'll be up
all hours of the night,
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- (CHUCKLES)
- Knee-deep in dirty diapers.
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The good thing about adoption,
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is we can all be
part of the picking process.
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No, we can't. Who said that?
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Hey, you always ask my opinion
when we go shoe shopping.
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How is this different?
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It's a human being.
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Exactly. Non-refundable.
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I say we get a Sagittarius baby.
Anything but a Libra.
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They're very unreliable.
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Wait a minute, you're a Libra.
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I guess this is my way of saying,
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I can't drive you
to the dentist tomorrow.
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Hey. None of you
have a say in this. All right?
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Molly and I want
another guy in the house.
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Preferably a left-handed pitcher
who's got a little movement
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on his splitter.
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I don't remember
having that conversation.
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You said, "Healthy baby."
That's where my head went.
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This is the color I was talking about.
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- Color for what?
- The baby.
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I was thinking we could go
with a nice caramel coffee.
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Ah, and he matches the drapes.
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Great. I'll just tell the people
at the adoption agency
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that we're looking for a left-handed,
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Sagittarius baby boy
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that doesn't clash with the curtains.
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Hey, wait a minute.
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A lot of great pitching has been
coming out of Latin America.
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That's him right there.
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(THEME SONG)
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Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
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I feel like an idiot.
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I'm the only guy here with a tie.
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No, you look handsome and that
tie may be just the thing
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that gives us the baby edge
over all these other couples.
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Well, the tie ain't gonna help
if it's between us
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and Tom Brady and Gisele over there.
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Oh, look at them, huh.
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Got the hands of a quarterback
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and the teeth of a game show host.
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I'm more worried about these two
suck-ups over here.
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Damn it. Should we pray too?
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It's too late. They're already
working that shtick.
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Well, I think we should talk
game plan before we go in there.
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I say we play it calm.
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If we seem too eager,
they're gonna try to unload
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a lemon on us.
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Okay, you know we're trying
to get a baby, not a used Chevy.
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Yeah, I'm just saying.
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I mean, if they try to
give us a hard sell,
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we gotta be prepared to walk.
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I bet we can get a good one online.
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Okay, Mike. We need to forget this
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and just be ourselves and show
these people that we are good
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and honest and we're not into
playing silly games.
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- We just want a baby.
- (DOOR OPENS)
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Molly Flynn and Mike Biggs.
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Oh, God, who art in heaven,
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hallowed be thy name.
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Just give us a second.
We're speaking with our lord. (CHUCKLES)
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Did I mention I was teacher of the year?
(CHUCKLES)
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You did.
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Brought home the Golden Apple twice.
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I don't know if it matters
but it's never been done before.
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Or since.
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And I am a decorated police officer.
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Most traffic tickets given
in the month of June.
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Sorry if you got caught up
in that. Just doing my job.
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(BOTH LAUGH NERVOUSLY)
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Well, thank you both for coming in.
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- Wait, the interview is over?
- It is.
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Oh, did I happen to mention
that I memorized Goodnight Moon?
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In the great green room,
there was a balloon and, um...
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I know there's bears
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and there's, like, a bowl of...
There's mush!
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- I know there's mush.
- You don't need to do that.
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Listen, I may have been
playing this too cool.
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We really wanna make this happen.
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Get your manager. We're ready to
leave here with a baby today.
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Today.
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Don't worry.
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You guys did very well.
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I think you're perfect
candidates for adoption.
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- (SIGHS) That's great.
- Thank you so much.
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So, the next thing for us to do
is schedule a home visit.
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Whose home?
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Your home.
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You mean where we live?
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Yes. We just need to meet
all of your family members
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and make sure it's a healthy
environment for a child.
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Is there a day that works better
than the others?
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No.
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I'm telling you. Something ain't
right back there.
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Are we looking at the pimple
or the spider bite?
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Because, either way, we need to
call the dermatologist
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or the Orkin man.
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I'm looking at this raised mole.
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Looks like you slept on a Milk Dud.
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Whatever it is, it's throbbing.
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Press them one at a time.
When I scream, you'll know.
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(DOOR OPENS)
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- Hey.
- There they are.
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Where's my grand baby?
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We're just cleaning up my saddle
for piggyback rides.
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Okay, well, we're not quite there yet.
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However, she did say that Mike
and I were excellent candidates
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for an adoption.
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- (ALL EXCLAIM)
- I knew it. I knew it.
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Yeah, but, you know, we still
have a pretty big hurdle
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to get over, actually.
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Three of them.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
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Yeah, what Moll is saying is,
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that there are some other
aspects of the house
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that we have to make more presentable.
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Are you talking about
the dust bunnies under my bed?
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More like the weed bunny
that sleeps on top of it.
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Um...
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Look. We...
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We love you so much,
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and we would never want to
change anything about you.
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Except, on Saturday,
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when we need to
change everything about you.
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Not everything. Just the...
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The drugs and the drinking
and the filthy language.
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That is everything.
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Well, then that's what we're
asking you to do.
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- Sure.
- Okay.
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Wait, really?
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It's a little insulting,
but it makes a lot of sense.
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We should start by getting rid
of all the booze.
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- To the baby.
- VICTORIA AND VINCE: To the baby!
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(GLASSES CLINK)
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I'm telling you.
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Molly's family has been
taking this like champs.
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They even let us do
a full sweep of their bedrooms.
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- You find anything?
- We found everything.
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Pot. Illegal prescription pills.
Fireworks.
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It's like searching a car
coming back from Tijuana.
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Hey, by the way,
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it would be great if you could
come by the house
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on Saturday, too.
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Might help the adoption lady to
see how diverse my friends are.
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- Diverse?
- Come on, you know what I mean.
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I certainly do.
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It's the old "Some of my best
friends are black" line.
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Yeah, but in my case,
that's actually true. See?
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So, if that somehow puts me
in a better light,
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that's on society, not me.
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And you wanna exploit that?
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Yes, I do.
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For a baby.
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Man, how can I say no to that?
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You can't because you're my best friend.
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And we're right back where we started.
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Ah...
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Uh, what time did you say
you wanted me there on Saturday?
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Seriously?
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It's not what you think.
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I invited Samuel because he's foreign.
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Gives me a little international flavor.
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4:00.
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Isn't it a little premature
to be setting up the crib?
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Like lighting a bong
before you load the bowl.
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Okay. Now, I love your colorful analogies
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but when the adoption lady comes,
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let's keep those all in here,
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so they never come out here.
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Relax. I'll have her take a
Xanax before they get here.
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No. No pills, no booze, no weed.
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It's like a mother-daughter
detox. It'll be fun.
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Fine, but if I'm not drinking,
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I can't be held responsible
for my actions.
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Hey. Trust me. The second that
adoption lady is out the door,
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I'll be elbow deep in mojitos.
But until then,
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we gotta prove that this house is safe,
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and secure and baby-ready.
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What are you talking about?
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This is the same house you two
grew up in.
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And you both survived.
203
00:09:48,988 --> 00:09:51,957
Yeah, survived.
Which implies a chance of death.
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00:09:53,159 --> 00:09:55,059
I admit. You girls had some close calls.
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00:09:55,227 --> 00:09:58,196
Remember the fort
you made out of that old fridge?
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Was that the day I blacked out
and met the fireman?
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00:10:00,933 --> 00:10:02,195
One of them.
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00:10:02,868 --> 00:10:04,392
Okay, no childhood stories.
209
00:10:04,570 --> 00:10:07,300
Actually, you know what? Let's
make it easy. No stories at all.
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00:10:07,473 --> 00:10:09,907
It's starting to sound like you
don't want us to say anything.
211
00:10:10,076 --> 00:10:12,601
See? Victoria gets it.
212
00:10:14,580 --> 00:10:17,174
Now come on. These adoption people
are trained
213
00:10:17,416 --> 00:10:19,543
to see hazards
that we're not even aware of.
214
00:10:19,719 --> 00:10:22,187
I mean, uncovered outlets and
sharp table corners,
215
00:10:22,355 --> 00:10:24,255
and look at these sea shells.
216
00:10:24,790 --> 00:10:25,848
What do you see?
217
00:10:26,025 --> 00:10:27,959
A crappy Christmas gift from Mom.
218
00:10:29,228 --> 00:10:31,128
Yes, but, to a baby,
219
00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:32,992
this is a fun thing to put in your mouth.
220
00:10:33,165 --> 00:10:34,154
(CHOCKING)
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00:10:36,202 --> 00:10:37,362
Moll!
222
00:10:39,839 --> 00:10:40,828
(GRUNTS)
223
00:10:42,141 --> 00:10:43,802
I think I made my point.
224
00:10:51,150 --> 00:10:53,209
Okay. Victoria, blouse.
225
00:10:53,853 --> 00:10:55,081
Carl, gum.
226
00:10:55,521 --> 00:10:56,818
Okay.
227
00:10:57,156 --> 00:11:00,023
Now, the adoption lady's name
is Karen. She is very nice.
228
00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:01,793
There are gonna be times
where your instinct
229
00:11:01,961 --> 00:11:03,394
will be to talk to her.
230
00:11:04,063 --> 00:11:05,655
Ignore those instincts.
231
00:11:06,799 --> 00:11:08,767
I think my neck size has changed
since I bought this shirt
232
00:11:08,934 --> 00:11:10,162
15 years ago.
233
00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:11,360
- Can you breathe?
- Yeah.
234
00:11:11,537 --> 00:11:12,697
You're fine.
235
00:11:13,472 --> 00:11:16,339
I told you to go with the open
shirt and scarf like Jon Voight.
236
00:11:16,809 --> 00:11:18,606
Quit trying to make me Jon Voight.
237
00:11:18,778 --> 00:11:20,575
I'll never be Jon Voight.
238
00:11:21,714 --> 00:11:23,545
Okay, here we go.
239
00:11:23,749 --> 00:11:26,217
- Ooh, don't mind if I do.
- I do, so don't.
240
00:11:27,319 --> 00:11:28,513
Well, I just wanted a jicama stick.
241
00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:30,383
No, don't. They're stacked perfectly.
242
00:11:30,556 --> 00:11:32,251
- Relax, I'm good at Jenga...
- Hey!
243
00:11:32,425 --> 00:11:34,825
- Hands off the jicama.
- Thank you.
244
00:11:35,561 --> 00:11:37,893
Okay, now, before we get started,
245
00:11:38,130 --> 00:11:39,620
I just want you all to know
246
00:11:39,799 --> 00:11:41,790
- that I love you very much.
- Mmm.
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00:11:42,101 --> 00:11:43,125
And if any one of you
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00:11:43,302 --> 00:11:45,668
screws me out of
getting my hands on a baby,
249
00:11:46,405 --> 00:11:47,702
there will be blood.
250
00:11:49,008 --> 00:11:49,997
(DOORBELL RINGS)
251
00:11:50,643 --> 00:11:54,079
Okay. Smiles, everyone. Let's have fun.
252
00:11:55,815 --> 00:11:56,975
Hello.
253
00:11:57,149 --> 00:11:58,138
(ALL GROAN)
254
00:11:58,751 --> 00:11:59,740
You're late.
255
00:11:59,919 --> 00:12:01,716
For some reason, you asked the
only person coming on bicycle
256
00:12:01,887 --> 00:12:02,876
to bring ice.
257
00:12:03,055 --> 00:12:04,352
You only brought one bag.
258
00:12:04,523 --> 00:12:07,754
Just get in here and take a seat
with the rest of the ding-dongs.
259
00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:09,786
(DOORBELL RINGS)
260
00:12:10,463 --> 00:12:11,452
(SIGHS)
261
00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:15,663
Hello. Look who it is.
What a pleasant surprise.
262
00:12:34,653 --> 00:12:36,052
Okay, Joyce.
263
00:12:37,790 --> 00:12:40,418
I noticed your home
has a nice-sized backyard.
264
00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:46,163
Thank you.
265
00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:49,600
I think what my mother
is trying to say is,
266
00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:53,364
that it will be a wonderful
place for our child to play.
267
00:12:54,673 --> 00:12:56,004
Thank you.
268
00:12:59,512 --> 00:13:01,309
- Jicama stick?
- Oh, no, thank you.
269
00:13:01,514 --> 00:13:03,448
You sure? Maybe just one, so, you know,
270
00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:05,481
we can all get started.
271
00:13:06,051 --> 00:13:08,349
Carl, you know that no one here
needs permission
272
00:13:08,521 --> 00:13:10,045
to enjoy the hors d'oeuvres.
273
00:13:10,556 --> 00:13:12,023
- Oh, great.
- Okay.
274
00:13:13,259 --> 00:13:15,090
Uh, Karen, I don't know
if you had noticed,
275
00:13:15,261 --> 00:13:17,923
but the backyard is safely fenced in.
276
00:13:18,364 --> 00:13:20,093
It was built with the help
of my two main men here,
277
00:13:20,266 --> 00:13:21,893
- Carl and Samuel.
- Mmm-hmm.
278
00:13:22,268 --> 00:13:24,168
Mike and I have been partners for years.
279
00:13:24,336 --> 00:13:26,896
And we live together.
But not as a couple.
280
00:13:28,674 --> 00:13:30,164
We're not gay. We're just here
because we're black.
281
00:13:30,342 --> 00:13:31,400
Oh, God.
282
00:13:37,416 --> 00:13:38,713
And I'm here because I'm the sister.
283
00:13:38,884 --> 00:13:40,351
Which makes me the aunt.
284
00:13:42,454 --> 00:13:44,149
It's all I'm allowed to say.
285
00:13:46,058 --> 00:13:47,116
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
286
00:13:47,293 --> 00:13:49,761
Okay. Well, now that you've met
the whole gang,
287
00:13:49,929 --> 00:13:51,419
why don't I take you upstairs
and show you
288
00:13:51,597 --> 00:13:54,191
- where the baby's gonna sleep?
- Sounds good.
289
00:13:58,003 --> 00:13:59,231
Excuse me.
290
00:13:59,939 --> 00:14:01,839
I think you dropped a $100 bill.
291
00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:06,073
- No, I didn't.
- You sure?
292
00:14:06,512 --> 00:14:08,241
People lose track of stuff all the time.
293
00:14:08,414 --> 00:14:09,813
$100 bills.
294
00:14:10,149 --> 00:14:11,707
Third World babies.
295
00:14:14,887 --> 00:14:16,218
It's mine.
296
00:14:20,392 --> 00:14:22,053
Thank you for your honesty.
297
00:14:27,366 --> 00:14:30,699
Okay, here is the crib
where the baby will sleep.
298
00:14:31,170 --> 00:14:33,297
It got five stars for safety.
299
00:14:33,472 --> 00:14:35,667
And tell you what, if there's a
tornado, forget the basement,
300
00:14:35,841 --> 00:14:38,173
I'm riding out the storm
in this son of a gun.
301
00:14:38,344 --> 00:14:39,333
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
302
00:14:39,511 --> 00:14:42,105
Well, I can see you've done
a lot of work and research.
303
00:14:42,548 --> 00:14:44,015
Oh, believe me, we are prepared.
304
00:14:44,183 --> 00:14:46,208
We're serious buyers.
We're not just looky-loos.
305
00:14:47,319 --> 00:14:48,308
Good to know.
306
00:14:48,487 --> 00:14:50,512
Now can I see the room
the baby will stay in
307
00:14:50,689 --> 00:14:52,782
- when it outgrows the crib?
- Oh...
308
00:14:53,259 --> 00:14:55,523
Oh, we really hadn't thought
about that yet, um...
309
00:14:55,895 --> 00:14:57,226
Is that an issue?
310
00:14:57,796 --> 00:15:00,560
Well, I only ask because
311
00:15:07,606 --> 00:15:10,871
it seems like you already have
a pretty full house here.
312
00:15:11,543 --> 00:15:13,704
Five people living
in a three-bedroom home.
313
00:15:14,313 --> 00:15:16,008
- May I say something?
- No.
314
00:15:17,249 --> 00:15:18,978
I, myself, was raised in a two-bedroom
315
00:15:19,151 --> 00:15:21,085
with three brothers,
two sisters, my grammy,
316
00:15:21,253 --> 00:15:22,652
Mom, Dad and Uncle Sal,
317
00:15:22,821 --> 00:15:24,789
who I later learned was my real father.
318
00:15:27,092 --> 00:15:29,720
A small house actually
brought us closer together.
319
00:15:30,296 --> 00:15:32,423
Especially Mom and Uncle Sal.
320
00:15:33,198 --> 00:15:36,827
Isn't the plight of the Italian
immigrant fascinating?
321
00:15:37,670 --> 00:15:38,967
What he's saying is,
322
00:15:39,138 --> 00:15:41,129
kids don't need that much space.
323
00:15:41,473 --> 00:15:44,806
Molly slept in a drawer for two
years before we moved in here.
324
00:15:45,177 --> 00:15:46,166
One room.
325
00:15:46,345 --> 00:15:47,437
When my husband and I wanted to have sex,
326
00:15:47,613 --> 00:15:48,944
we'd just close the drawer.
327
00:15:51,350 --> 00:15:52,339
Oh...
328
00:15:52,518 --> 00:15:54,145
They closed the drawer.
329
00:15:56,355 --> 00:15:57,652
I'm sorry.
330
00:15:57,990 --> 00:16:00,424
We just want to make sure
we're finding the best homes
331
00:16:00,592 --> 00:16:01,752
for our babies.
332
00:16:01,994 --> 00:16:04,155
Oh... (CHUCKLES) Well, look no further.
333
00:16:04,330 --> 00:16:05,991
This house is filled with
nothing but love.
334
00:16:06,198 --> 00:16:08,530
It's true and he should know.
He used to be my lover.
335
00:16:08,701 --> 00:16:11,067
Oh, those were good times.
The pleasure was worth the pain.
336
00:16:11,236 --> 00:16:14,034
- I'd do it all over again.
- Not here. Not now!
337
00:16:14,606 --> 00:16:16,267
Karen. I...
338
00:16:17,276 --> 00:16:19,608
I realize that this isn't
the biggest house,
339
00:16:19,778 --> 00:16:22,508
and maybe space will be an issue
down the road,
340
00:16:23,015 --> 00:16:24,414
but don't you think
it's more important that
341
00:16:24,583 --> 00:16:28,212
you have two people here that
really, truly love each other?
342
00:16:28,454 --> 00:16:30,479
Yeah, we are totally committed
343
00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:33,591
to creating a healthy and safe
environment for this child.
344
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:36,791
I promise you.
We will take good care of it.
345
00:16:43,969 --> 00:16:46,130
Wow. What horrible timing.
346
00:16:55,381 --> 00:16:57,372
Okay, well, she didn't say no.
347
00:16:58,183 --> 00:17:00,208
She didn't say anything.
She just ran out.
348
00:17:00,386 --> 00:17:01,375
(SCOFFS)
349
00:17:01,553 --> 00:17:03,544
Maybe she was in a hurry to approve us.
350
00:17:05,491 --> 00:17:07,652
We guillotined a baby doll.
351
00:17:09,428 --> 00:17:12,454
The worst part is, I can't even
blame my family for all this.
352
00:17:13,465 --> 00:17:14,659
I can.
353
00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:17,665
All right. They didn't exactly help,
354
00:17:18,504 --> 00:17:19,630
but we did this to ourselves.
355
00:17:19,805 --> 00:17:22,899
I mean, why couldn't I just let
Carl have some jicama?
356
00:17:23,075 --> 00:17:24,064
(CHUCKLES)
357
00:17:24,443 --> 00:17:26,434
You were nervous
and it just shows how important
358
00:17:26,612 --> 00:17:28,239
this whole thing is to you.
359
00:17:28,614 --> 00:17:29,808
And you.
360
00:17:30,115 --> 00:17:31,707
It'll happen when it happens.
361
00:17:33,652 --> 00:17:35,017
And until that time comes,
362
00:17:35,187 --> 00:17:37,348
we'll just enjoy our time together.
363
00:17:38,690 --> 00:17:40,351
- To us.
- To us.
364
00:17:49,034 --> 00:17:50,934
I want a baby so damn bad.
365
00:17:52,738 --> 00:17:54,069
Me too.
366
00:18:03,682 --> 00:18:04,671
(SIGHS)
367
00:18:04,950 --> 00:18:07,043
God, look at all the jicama.
368
00:18:07,352 --> 00:18:08,819
I'm a monster.
369
00:18:09,688 --> 00:18:12,452
Jicama? That's a weird word. Jicama.
370
00:18:13,192 --> 00:18:14,784
Jicama!
371
00:18:17,196 --> 00:18:18,891
- Are you drunk?
- Yes.
372
00:18:19,164 --> 00:18:20,563
I'm drunkama.
373
00:18:21,767 --> 00:18:23,758
- VICTORIA: Moll, is that you?
- Yeah.
374
00:18:24,203 --> 00:18:25,465
Come up to my room.
375
00:18:25,704 --> 00:18:27,001
You gotta see what we did.
376
00:18:27,172 --> 00:18:29,572
Maybe they finally got that
thing off of Vince's back.
377
00:18:29,741 --> 00:18:32,471
I hope so. It looks like
he's sleeping on a Milk Dud.
378
00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:36,138
(KNOCKING)
379
00:18:36,448 --> 00:18:37,437
Ta-da!
380
00:18:38,150 --> 00:18:40,414
Oh, my God. What did you do?
381
00:18:40,819 --> 00:18:42,150
Welcome to the nursery.
382
00:18:43,255 --> 00:18:45,450
Don't worry. I fixed the crib.
It was missing a screw
383
00:18:45,624 --> 00:18:47,114
and you put the rail in upside down
384
00:18:47,292 --> 00:18:48,816
which created an instrument of death.
385
00:18:50,195 --> 00:18:52,322
But other than that, you did a great job.
386
00:18:52,998 --> 00:18:54,590
And I'm moving to the basement.
387
00:18:54,900 --> 00:18:57,164
I'm thinking circular couch,
lots of pillows,
388
00:18:57,336 --> 00:19:00,032
I want that whole
I Dream of Jeannie bottle vibe.
389
00:19:02,074 --> 00:19:04,269
This is the sweetest, most amazing thing
390
00:19:04,443 --> 00:19:06,070
(SHAKILY) anybody has ever done for us.
391
00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:09,410
Oh, Mike, look, tiny socks.
392
00:19:10,415 --> 00:19:11,643
You know how I'm always saying
393
00:19:11,817 --> 00:19:13,910
I want to move
the hell out of this house?
394
00:19:14,753 --> 00:19:16,277
I don't want to go anywhere.
395
00:19:16,922 --> 00:19:18,549
I love you weirdos.
396
00:19:19,892 --> 00:19:22,360
- Are you drunk?
- Yeah, it's really hitting me.
397
00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:33,767
I gotta say. I appreciate you
being so thorough and open.
398
00:19:33,939 --> 00:19:36,305
Most couples hoping to adopt
aren't as forthcoming.
399
00:19:37,075 --> 00:19:39,009
Well, we're new to this agency
400
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:41,772
and we just want you to know
who we are, warts and all.
401
00:19:42,147 --> 00:19:43,478
Yeah, that's right.
I mean, all we can do is
402
00:19:43,649 --> 00:19:46,243
be honest with our answers
and hope for the best.
403
00:19:46,552 --> 00:19:47,780
Well, you're doing great.
404
00:19:48,287 --> 00:19:50,414
So, about your living situation?
405
00:19:50,589 --> 00:19:52,386
- We live alone.
- Just the two of us.
406
00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:58,000
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
407
00:20:24,489 --> 00:20:25,478
English - SDH