[TOILET FLUSHES]
[WHISTLING]
- Morning. - Morning, morning, morning.
Wow.
What are you dressed as?
I'm dressed as my best self.
Ooh, I like this. Let me hear the explanation.
I'm a writer. I've got to dress the part.
You know, the clothes make the man.
Explanation satisfied. Carry on.
Do you have one of those sweaters with the patches on them?
It's gonna put me right over the top.
Agreed.
CARTER: Do you know why they put the patches on the elbows?
No.
'Cause in world war I, they sewed patches
on the sweaters of soldiers to keep them warm.
Is it because you lose a lot of heat from your elbows?
Do you know why writers like the patches?
Oh, I can't wait to find out.
To rest on the desk like this.
Carter... You see?
I'm learning an awful lot of nothing right now.
Are you gonna borrow that sweater, or are you gonna keep it?
Um, I'm gonna see how it goes.
If I can rip off a chapter or two, cardigan's mine.
Hey, what are you doing? You can't smoke in here.
Buddy, what are you smoking for at all? Are you an idiot?
I'm not smoking.
You have a cigarette and a lighter in the thing.
It's Proustian, my friend, Proustian.
JACKSON: Just feel free to make yourself at home.
You know, the, uh... when you smell the...
the cookie, the... the biscuit, um...
- The Madeleine? - Madeleine, yes.
When you smell the Madeleine,
it's like, uh, reminds you of your childhood, your youth.
You know, when you smell nicotine,
it reminds you of third year in college,
you know, late nights at... at Sproul Hall
and keggers and things that memoirs are made of, you know?
Carter, that's a box of props, pal.
They're just things.
You want to be a writer? It's got to start from within.
Oh, you're giving me writer advice?
Uh, well, between the two of us,
I'm the only one that's been published.
Well, I'm... I'm writing literature.
You wrote, you know, I don't know what...
I don't know what to call it.
- Pop psychology. - A best seller?
Give me back my sweater.
Let's agree to disagree.
12 weeks on The New York Times Best Seller.
Why don't we agree to agree?
[CLEARS THROAT]
What are you doing, pouring a drink?
Would you like one?
No. One... it's 9:00 in the morning.
And two... we both know that I shouldn't drink brown liquor.
Ah, shouldn't is a thing that writers are made of.
That doesn't make any sense.
You know, as Hemingway said in that bar in,
- uh, Venice... - Harry's.
A votre santé!
"Cin, cin," actually, is what Hemingway said.
Mm.
[COUGHS]
Burning the esophagus a little bit, right?
Okay.
I'll tell you what, Hemingway, you get started, all right?
You and me, kid, we've got a bunch of rebirthing to do today.
You know, I'm going back to therapy.
Writing is therapy for me.
Yes, I'm gonna bleed these veins dry.
Don't get blood on my sweater.
- [DOOR OPENS] - [CLEARS THROAT]
[COUGHS]
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Oh, my love, let me be your fire ♪
♪ We're a thousand miles up and I'm about to get higher ♪
♪ Feel my heart beating out my chest ♪
♪ You're the only prayer I need to make me feel blessed ♪
♪ Singing oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ You make me feel blessed, you make me feel blessed ♪
♪ You're the only prayer I need to make me feel blessed ♪
I mean, what kind of asshole walks out on a session?
Really, me.
I'm the kind of asshole that does that.
It's disrespectful. It's fucking disrespectful.
And it should have never happened.
And I'm not here to beg you to take me back as a client.
I'm just... I'm begging you to take me back as a client.
Begging?
Yeah, something is wrong with me.
I don't know what's happening,
but I almost slept with a very young woman,
an impossibly young woman, actually,
and I'm feeling like I really need some help here.
So, you almost screwed a very young woman,
and you're having a hard time with it?
This is my new discovery.
I'm stunted, and I don't really know what to do.
I've been trying to rebuild my life for the last year,
and I almost lost my job,
and, more important than that, I've lost my... my self-respect.
I need some help. Can I sit?
No.
[SCOFFS]
No?
Look, you like platitudes, right?
Well, here's one.
You can't move forward without going back.
I'm ready to go back.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Well, how about you can't rebuild
without understanding what you destroyed?
What I destroyed?
That's a little dramatic, don't you think?
You know what?
- Nope, I didn't mean that. - Okay. Fine.
- It just came out. Sometimes... - Okay.
Okay. Goodbye and good luck.
Wait, wait. Maybe drama's my problem.
Uh, maybe I'm trying to avoid drama.
What do you think?
I think that I am ready
to understand what I have destroyed.
Make amends?
Yes, and if I do that, will you take me back?
Hey, Lisa. It's Jackson Cooper calling.
Um, your ex-fiancé
and, uh, I was just... I was just calling to say,
"Hi. Long time no speak."
Um, not that we're speaking.
You're just gonna... you're just gonna hear my voice
on your voice-mail, I guess,
but, uh, I mean, I guess I could...
I could just text you my number, and you could click on it,
you know, and... and call me back that way,
uh, which would be great.
You can do that, maybe, today, or... or you've got caller I.D.
You could just... you could do that as well
if you... if you don't want to, um, listen to the voice-mail.
Anyway, uh, yeah.
It's... it's Jackson Cooper, and I hope you're well,
and, um, and I'll... I'll talk to you soon.
Okay, bye.
I love this font.
NATALIE: It's Helvetica.
It's the most common font.
It's classy, yet playful.
It's perfect, Josie.
Great.
You know, I am just really impressed
with how calm you're being about the problem.
Problem?
You know, with your guest of honor, Mr. Corntholl.
What's the problem? What, did he win another Nobel Prize?
Ha!
You're being funny.
You're freaking me out, Josie.
What is the problem?
You didn't see the paper this morning?
His obituary was in the paper.
Okay, just tell me that he died doing something heroic
so we can still honor him.
He committed suicide.
Poor Arnold Corntholl.
He was arrested in Thailand.
Oh, my God.
He was reappropriating funds.
Okay, all right, money crime.
- Uh... - Funds from a shelter his wife started
that was rescuing women from human trafficking.
Oh, stop.
Yeah, he was using the money to pay off gambling debts
and, apparently, a very expensive coke habit.
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry, Sophie.
Okay, all right.
I have to find a new honoree, and the gala is,
oh, and I-I have to justify people spending $1,000 a plate
to endow a new chair, and it's... ohh!
[INHALES SHARPLY]
- Are you okay? - No, I...
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
I can't get air into my...
Okay, here. Um, do this.
Put your head between your legs.
Breathe in slow.
[BOTH BREATHING DEEPLY]
Okay, that's better. [SIGHS]
Okay, good. Good.
Don't worry.
We're gonna find you someone exceptional.
I don't believe you.
I mean, I told Holly not to call you
'cause I didn't want it to be like, "Oh, my little sister's coming,"
and then you have all these, like, preconceived expectations.
Like... like what?
Like, that you were coming to visit, or...
- This is where you write? - Yeah.
Yeah, this is where the, uh... this is where the magic happens.
Yeah, Holly said you make magic. That's why I'm here.
Really?
Yeah, absolutely.
I want to make magic, too.
You do?
Can I watch you?
Oh, you want to watch me?
I want to see how the words go
from your head to the hands to the page.
Oh, you want to watch me write?
I'm actually really excited to be here.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Yeah, why are you here?
Well, you know, I have chased a lot of dreams
- over the past few years... - Uh-huh.
...but I've always avoided coming to the one place
where dreams are made, really... The Big Apple.
So, you're a writer?
Well, not yet, but I do a lot of things.
Well, writers are... are born.
They're not... not made.
That's really good.
If you are, then you are.
Holly says you are.
Holly says you're in the city and killing it.
Ki...
I want you to show me how to kill it.
You know, I don't... I don't know if I'm...
I'm killing it, but I'm... I'm doing...
I'm doing pretty good here.
I remember when you and Holly were going together
back in high school.
I mean, I was like five then,
but I remember you being pretty cool.
Yeah, I was pretty cool. Yeah, pretty cool.
Weren't you into "Star Wars"?
Who wasn't?
I mean, weren't you, like, really into it?
Didn't you dress up as a... as a space bear once?
I was dressed as an Ewok for The Spring Dance.
What are you dressed up as now?
I'm...
I'm my best self.
- See, I... I want to be my best self. - Mm-hmm.
I-I was actually hoping you would help with that.
Really? How?
Well, I was hoping you had a job for me.
Doing what?
I don't know.
Holly says you write and do other things.
I didn't know what the other things were.
Yeah, I... you know, I'm a... I'm a herbal, uh,
relief service provider, but, uh, um, but I'm really focused
on... on writing my memoir right now.
You know, I'm so ensconced in the... in the writing.
I, uh, don't have a lot of energy to handle my own affairs,
let alone someone else's.
You really talk like a writer.
"Ensconced" ... great word.
Thank you.
You need an intern.
Every writer does.
Okay, what would my intern do?
Well, anything you need.
I mean, research, answer calls, e-mails.
Can you get me an iced coffee?
I absolutely could get you an iced coffee.
I want an intern.
♪
[CLICKING]
[CELLPHONE CHIMES]
So, uh, Kevin.
Kelvin.
I'm sorry. I-I keep doing that.
Um, yes. You wanted to...
you needed to speak to me about something?
Well, I thought you would talk.
Okay, about what?
My paper.
If this is a bad time, I can come back.
Sorry. No, no, no. It's a good time.
Um, what about your paper?
Well, you gave me a "D."
I did give you a "D."
Well, I was kind of expecting...
What were you expecting?
[SCOFFS] A "C."
Uh, you were expecting a "C"? You had aspirations for a "C"?
Well, yeah, I thought it was solid "C" work.
Okay, look, everyone strives for A's and B's,
but there's nothing wrong with being average.
I mean, average is not a negative.
- Mm-hmm. - [CLICKING]
Okay, are you doing something important?
Do I need to come back?
No, I'm terribly sorry.
I'm gonna give you my undivided attention.
Thank you.
Here's the problem, Kevin.
- Kelvin. - Kelvin.
Your paper did not even approach what the assignment was.
"Candy Сrush" is an addictive game.
Video-game addiction would be an interesting subject for a paper,
but you chronicled yourself playing "Сandy Сrush."
I was the subject of my own test.
Okay.
[CELLPHONE VIBRATES, CHIMES]
Dude, you are having a hard time hearing me.
Come on, Lisa.
That's like me with the "Сandy Сrush."
Yes.
Yes, it is.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Hey, where's your key?
I lost it.
- You're lying to me. - What?
You're just like your mom.
You get this little, funny glint when you lie.
It was in my backpack.
Okay, so where's your bag?
- I lost it. - Liar.
Fine. Someone took it.
- Who? - I don't know.
- Can I come in? - Liar.
Fine. Eli.
- Who's Eli? - A kid from my school.
A bully took your backpack?
Eli grabbed it, pushed me down, and ran off with it.
Well, where's your headphones?
Yeah, those too.
Oh, hell no. We've got to go get this Eli.
Can we not... can we not do that, please?
Wh... well, honey, you don't have to be embarrassed, okay?
You got bullied.
It's not your fault, but accepting it?
No, no, no. We will not have that.
Oh, my God. Aunt Diane, please don't do this to me.
You're making too big of a deal out of this.
- Really? - Yes. Can I come in?
No, not until you say you're gonna face this.
Fine.
Okay, good, fine. Yeah, let's go ask Jackson.
He'll agree with me.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Come in.
Hey.
- What's up, little man? - What's up?
- Hello. - This is Zoey.
She's probably going to be my new intern.
We're on a trial period.
We just finished the first chapter.
- She's taking dictation. - Cool.
Where's Jackson?
Can... Diane, please, can you...
Zoey, the last, please?
Um, "I could see the light, but I was scared to come out.
A whole lifetime was ahead of me,
but the warmth of the womb was hard to leave behind."
It's so good. Thank you. Thank you.
Carter?
- Yes? - Jackson... where is he?
He left around 9:00 A.M. I haven't seen him since.
All right. Come on, Shadrach.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, Shaddy.
Why the long face?
It's nothing.
He's being bullied.
- What? - By who?
Some kid named Eli.
It's no big deal.
I hate bullies.
He took his backpack and his headphones.
No, this is a big deal. We need to talk to this Eli.
That's what I was saying.
Guys, seriously? I'm fine.
Do you know where this kid lives?
I can just get a new backpack.
- It's no big deal. - Listen to me.
All right, the only way to stop a bully
is to stand up to a bully, okay?
You remember this... you are not alone.
- Nowhere close to alone. - Mnh-mnh.
You know what? I'm gonna get my phone so we can record this.
Good idea. All right, come on!
- Let's mount up! - Okay.
Let's go kick some Eli ass.
Hup!
Hey, Lisa. It's Coop.
It's Jackson Cooper.
Um, just calling you, um, leaving you another message
and wondering if you got my first message,
um, because I thought maybe I-I was speaking too quickly
the first time around and your... your voice-mail
just recorded a bunch of silence.
Uh, it's Coop. Leaving you a message.
Give me a call wh-when you get this.
All right, I'll talk to you soon. Bye.
[Jungle Fires' "Best of Me" plays]
♪ One, two, three, four, five ♪
♪ Six, seven, eight, nine, ten ♪
♪ One, two, three, four, five ♪
♪ Six, seven, eight, nine, ten ♪
All right, where is he?
SHADRACH: That's her... Eliza.
Oh, well, well. If it isn't sad rat.
What'd she call you?
That's what she calls me.
His name is Shadrach.
That's not a name.
Excuse me?
What, did you name him after the STD his daddy gave you
when he knocked you up?
Whoa.
Is that what you said when you rode her like a horse?
What... are... are you kidding me?
I'm gonna have to take my earrings off 'cause you...
Is that your little brother in there, sad rat,
or is that some other daddy's baby?
- Young lady... - Watch it, old man.
We're here to get Shadrach's belongings back.
Good for you.
We've come to tell you that this stops here and now.
- Oh, yeah? - Yes.
Well, what are you supposed to be,
some kind of pudgy Mr. Mini Cop?
You're gonna give me a good fucking talking to?
You're just like a poor man's Mr. Rogers,
and I can smell the booze on your breath from here.
I had a sip.
And why aren't you at work?
I bet you think you're some kind of stupid, motherfucking artist
and that you're all sensitive and enlightened,
when really you're just a pussy crybaby
and stoned all the time.
- Hey. - Hey is for cows,
- you cow-faced skinny bitch. - Oh!
Didn't anybody ever buy you a sandwich?
Okay, that is enough.
You look like you swallowed somebody,
some big, fat somebody.
Don't think being knocked up has made your tits
look all full and nice
because it looks like you're carrying sandbags in that shit.
I'm gonna have to hit her. I'm just gonna have to hit her.
- No, I have to. - Aunt Diane, let's go.
Aunt Diane? She's not even your real mom?
What, mama didn't want a girly boy?
I mean, look at your hair.
You look like some kind of fucked-up cabbage patch doll.
I bet that's why your mom doesn't want you.
[BOTH GASP]
Well, I don't want to be around you dumb-ass twats, either,
so, in closing, fuck you.
I threw away your backpack,
and I gave your headphones to a homeless guy.
I think we should go back there.
My friend, Naomi, she has a daughter who does kung fu.
She could kick that girl's ass.
No, aunt Diane. I am not going back there.
Your aunt is right.
We... we can't let this go.
Yes, we can.
You must know some people, you know, from your dealings.
My clients are not people, Diane.
They're my business friends.
Come on.
Someone has to be able to teach her a lesson.
All right, maybe we should scare her a little bit.
Yeah, that's it, scared straight.
Should we tell her parents?
What? No. She learned that from someone.
I feel sorry for her.
I don't. She is awful.
You're right. She's a wicked, wicked little girl.
We got to teach this heifer what bullying is about.
Yeah, give her a taste of her own medicine.
Exactly.
Yeah, serve her up a spoonful of the whup ass.
All right, yeah.
Yeah, administer a strong dose of reality.
Okay. Wow, that's...
Zoey, write that down.
I want to maybe use that in the volume on my mother.
Volumes?
My life's got to be a trilogy. It's gonna start as a...
Zoey?
Where did she go?
JACKSON: It's Jackson Cooper calling again.
I just was calling because I didn't want you to think
that my... my previous messages were just kind of a, you know,
"Hey, how you doing?" Casual kind of call, you know?
It's...
We haven't really spoken since you left,
or even then, for that matter.
I just came home, and you were gone,
and... and so was your stuff and some of my stuff, actually.
And, look, I get it. Hey, stuff is stuff.
Although I do think taking every single cup and plate
was a little extreme.
Um [CHUCKLES]
Anyway, I just was hoping that we could have
an opportunity for some closure, you know?
- [HORN HONKS] - Um, okay.
Um, call be back. Thanks, Lisa. Bye.
It is so sad about poor Arnold Corntholl.
Clearly, he had some demons,
but the gala is just a few days away,
and we would love it if you would be our new guest of honor.
You are the better, more alive choice,
and we just didn't realize...
Hello?
JACKSON: Lisa, it's funny.
I just walked by this guy with a huge dog.
It, uh, for some reason reminded me of
how badly you tried to talk me into that.
I was so resistant, remember?
It's funny. I just... I don't know.
I guess I just wanted things to be so sure,
and not that you could have talked me into a great Dane.
I mean, that's a huge-ass dog, but maybe I should have been
a little more open to dogs in general.
I don't... I don't know why I'm sharing this with you.
Please call me back.
This isn't about Dr. Corntholl.
This is about you and how we would like to honor yo...
Okay, well, that is inappropriate.
[GASPS]
Five minutes to hear me out, okay?
That's all I ask. I mean, I-I... 4 minutes, even.
I can... I can tell you what I need to tell you
in... in three and a half minutes.
If you give me three minutes,
I will... I will... I will take two minutes of your time.
No, no, no, no, no, no. Please, please, don't hang up.
Don't hang up. Don't... Oh, she hung up.
Aah!
I just wanted to let you know that Ira,
uh, you know, he said to call you.
I mean, he didn't... he didn't say to call you
'cause he's not a prescriptive therapist.
Uh, I mean, he is, just... just not in this case.
He's just the one that, uh, planted the seed, you know?
Anyways, so he... he... he mentioned
that I should maybe call you, but...
Ooh, you know what? That might be you calling.
Let me just... hang on one second.
Nope, that was just my dry-cleaning.
My tuxedo's ready.
There's a department gala,
and, uh, so I just am getting my tux cleaned.
You might remember that tux
because I got it for your sister's wedding,
and you said that it was a formal black-tie affair,
and I was the only one that showed up that was in a tuxedo,
other than the groom, so thank you for that.
Uh, anyway, uh, give me a call.
Give... give me a call. Thanks, bye.
In light of recent events, I just need to know
are you being investigated for anything?
Oh, yay. All right, that is wonderful.
And we are so honored you'll be with us,
and we love your study on... Impulse control in rats.
Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
[SIGHS]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
LISA: Hello?
Lisa, hey, it's, uh... it's Coop.
Coop?
Yeah, no, I was just... I was hoping maybe that we could talk.
Coop?
Yeah, listen, Lisa, I... five minutes, please.
That's all I need. It'll be in and out.
Lisa, please.
Uh, come in.
Thank you.
It's a nice place.
I know.
It's very, uh, restoration hardware.
I mean, it's great. It's cozy. I like it.
- Coop? - Yeah, okay. Here's why I'm here.
I've been feeling a lot lately, um, but today, especially,
um, well, not just today, in general,
uh, that I need to see you and talk to you
because since you left, I, uh...
I'm not really sure how to say it, actually.
Wow, I've never seen you at a loss for words.
Yeah, I know.
Since you left me, I... is that a dog?
Uh, yeah. That's Kurt.
Wow, you... you hate little dogs.
No, I like little dogs. I like big dogs. I like dogs.
You called them rats with leashes.
I love my dog, Kurt.
- Okay. - Okay.
Is Kurt wearing a sweater?
- Don't. - I'm just saying.
Oh, my God.
- This is strange. - Yeah.
- Isn't it? - Yeah.
Okay, yeah. I'm sorry, I haven't even asked how you are.
- Are you well? How are you? - You know, I'm good.
- Okay. - Yeah.
Good.
Is this a bad time?
[LAUGHS]
You know, I just... I kind of can't really figure out
why you're here.
Yeah, well, it's very... it's kind of...
I heard you were teaching.
Yes. Yes, I am. I like it a lot.
That's good.
Okay, Lisa, listen.
Um, since you left me, I have felt adrift,
and I think that feeling of being untethered
traces back to you or us.
Coop, I think that it's, you know, good
that we didn't waste more time together.
That's not how I would describe it.
Do you remember what happened when your book skyrocketed?
Yes, I remember.
You disappeared.
Well, I got a little caught up in it, that's for sure.
That's what you would call it?
Well, sure, I was an ass, completely, but Lisa?
- [CHUCKLES] - What?
Well, I don't know. Frank.
I'm... I'm not proud of that, but, I mean,
we were basically over before he ever came near me.
We weren't over.
You weren't over.
He was my patient.
Yeah, I know.
He was my sociopathic patient.
I know his pathology.
I read every draft of the book that you exposed...
You fucked him, and you broke my heart.
You broke his nose.
He was my patient.
Yeah, I know that. And you know what?
You're not allowed to come in here to my house
and blame me for this. Are you kidding me?
I mean [LAUGHS] we weren't good together, okay?
And you shut me out long before this happened.
Well, that's why I'm here. I'm trying to take responsibility
for my part in it, okay?
Oh, well, you know what?
- I don't care. - You don't care?
- No, I don't care. - Okay.
Okay, I've moved on completely, so...
I'm actually getting pissed
that I'm [SIGHS] getting a little emotional here
and... and expending energy on you.
I mean [LAUGHS]
Y... [SIGHS]
When we split up,
you promised me that you would never come back,
and then you call me like a million times,
and then you're coming in here
with your cute, little puppy-dog face,
and it's not fair to me, okay? It's not fair.
I'm just trying to make amends.
[SIGHS]
I think you should go.
Okay, I'm gonna go.
I have a husband.
And I'm pregnant.
Wow.
So, you know, unless your amends come with
a bugaboo stroller I've been eyeing, you can keep them.
I'm really happy for you.
Thanks.
- Who's the guy? - Really?
I don't want to know. No, I don't want to know.
- No. - I'm gonna go now.
- Okay. - You look great.
Yeah, I know.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
Hey, man.
I think I lost my maybe intern.
Coop? Cooper!
Hey...
[DOOR OPENS]
You don't want to know.
You're hired.
[Louden Swain's "Trigger Finger" plays]
♪ If you can make it through the flight ♪
♪ You just might win the fight ♪
♪ There's a light on inside your head ♪
♪ I want to help you find your way ♪
♪ It's rare I get to say, "everything's gonna be okay" ♪
♪ But I'm gonna pay, yeah ♪
♪ Every part of you is feeling like a photograph ♪
♪ I got that trigger finger all the time ♪
♪ "I'm dying here" is sure to be your epitaph ♪
♪ And you-u-u-u-u-u-u-u, you-u-u-u ♪
♪ You're gonna laugh ♪
♪ There are worse things in the world ♪
♪ There might be a little girl with a rock inside her kicks ♪
♪ If there's one thing I have learned ♪
♪ It's too much sun can burn ♪
♪ But it ain't nothing that aloe can't fix ♪
♪ So take your licks ♪
♪ Every part of you is feeling like a photograph ♪
♪ Got that trigger finger all the time ♪
♪ "I'm dying here" is sure to be your epitaph ♪
♪ And you-u-u-u-u-u-u-u, you-u-u-u ♪
♪ You're gonna laugh ♪
♪ Every part of you is feeling like we're gonna crash ♪
♪ Got that trigger finger all the time ♪
♪ "I'm dying here" is sure to be your epitaph ♪
♪ Yeah ♪