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Previously on Mike & Molly...
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You guys did very well.
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I think you're perfect
candidates for adoption.
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- Oh, that's great.
- Thank you so much.
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So, the next thing for us to do
is schedule a home visit.
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Whose home?
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Yeah, we are totally committed
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to creating a healthy and safe
environment for this child.
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I promise you.
We will take good care of it.
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I appreciate you
being so thorough and open.
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Most couples hoping to adopt
aren't as forthcoming.
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So, about your living situation?
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- We live alone.
- Just the two of us.
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Why do we have to take new holiday photos
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for the adoption agency?
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I mean, I look fantastic
in these old ones.
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Because we have to show expectant mothers
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that if they pick us,
that their child will be raised
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in a safe and wholesome environment.
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What's not wholesome here?
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Wine glass. Shot glass.
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Beer bong.
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Bong bong.
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Okay, all right, let's make
some memories, people.
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Victoria, hold the branch up.
Mike, grab an ornament.
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Mom, get a shot of us
decorating the Christmas tree.
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Got it.
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Okay, next. Lose the sweater.
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Okay, we got to celebrate two birthdays,
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we gotta carve some pumpkins,
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we gotta pose
for that Fourth of July picture
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in front of the neighbors' pool
before they get home.
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Are we doing Halloween now,
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or do I have time to run to Costco?
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Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
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All right, what number
did you give the agency?
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I gave 'em everyone's number.
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My phone, your phone,
the house phone, the work phone.
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Everything except Victoria's dealer
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and Vince's bookie.
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Maybe they hated our photo album, huh?
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I never should have included
that old-timey picture
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we did at Six Flags.
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Now, I bet they think we're really wanted.
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Sweetie, it's only been a week.
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The last thing they said was be patient,
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these things take time.
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The hell kind of advice is that
to give to an expectant parent?
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Mol, a real baby takes nine months,
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the least we can do is give 'em two weeks.
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Two weeks?
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I thought you wanted a baby.
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Okay, if you're not all in, tell me now
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because I will raise it on my own.
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Take it easy, okay?
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We're both on the same side here.
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Then why aren't you all crazy like me?
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Because I leave the house.
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You're in this cage all day.
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Pacing around like
that cross-eyed zebra at the zoo
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we sneak marshmallows to.
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Poor little Stewart, he don't see right.
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Hmm.
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What do you say
we get the hell out of here
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and take a walk?
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You're right.
I'm sorry I'm acting like this.
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I'm not. Just shows
how much you want this,
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and what a good mom you're gonna be.
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Fresh air,
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blue sky, what a day.
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- All right, I'm good.
- No, you don't.
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No, no, no.
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Come on, we should at least
make it down to the sidewalk.
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Did you bring the house key?
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Me? You're the one
who dragged me out here.
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I was happy inside!
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Well, what are we supposed to do now?
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I don't know! All I know
is our baby is calling
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on the other side of that door!
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Don't hang up! Don't hang up!
Don't hang up!
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Hello? Hello?
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No, Vince, we do not need
anything from Costco.
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Ten years on the job,
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I never had to kick in a door
until it was my own.
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Does that ankle look swollen to you?
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They both do.
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I'm guessing it's water retention.
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Yeah, I think it's all that salt you eat.
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Not in the mood, Carl.
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Hey, listen, we both
have to watch our sodium.
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Look how fat my fingers are.
Can't even wear my thumb ring.
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Get out.
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It's just this whole baby thing
has got us on edge.
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I'm trying to be strong for Molly,
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but I'm going just as nuts as she is.
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Well, you know what I always say.
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It'll happen when it happens.
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Really? Is that when it happens, Carl?
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"When it happens"?
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Well, not with that attitude.
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Look, you don't know
what we're going through.
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It's like slow torture
waiting for that phone to ring.
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All right, I can see
that this is tearing you apart.
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And I know you don't wanna hear this,
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but I think you may need to talk
to a professional.
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- Like a therapist?
- Uh, better.
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My psychic.
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Get out of here.
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I'm telling you, Madame Vianne
is the real deal.
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She knows all, she sees all.
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And she's a life coach.
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And if you need anything
notarized, bring that, too.
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What's all that racket?
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Oh, that? Don't worry.
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After a half hour
you won't even notice it.
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How was brunch?
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It was good. I had
the poached salmon Benedict.
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What?
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I had the poached salmon Benedict!
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- Have you ever had it with crab?
- What?
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- What?
- This is ridiculous.
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- We'll talk later.
- What?
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Molly.
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Molly, what the hell are you doing?
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Waxing the floors.
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Why?
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Because I'm trying to stay busy
in this cage
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before my eyes go wonky.
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What?
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I'm just trying
to take my mind off of stuff.
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Have you tried meditation?
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Or getting real drunk?
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So, when the adoption agency
calls, I'm going to be blotto?
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Is that what you want?
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I can see my reflection.
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You're gonna have to
start wearing underwear in here.
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Why? I'm just as waxed as this floor.
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Don't worry, Vince. I'll get the door.
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All right, I figured
you want to keep busy.
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Is there a baby yet?
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Yeah, Peggy. Meet your grandchild.
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He's right there on the couch.
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This whole adoption process is ridiculous.
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You know, if you were a celebrity,
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this house would be
swimming in third-world babies.
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If you're open to that, I know a guy
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who can get his hands
on just about anything.
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Got me the socks
Saddam Hussein was wearing
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when they hung him.
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- Get out of here.
- No, I'm serious.
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I got the certificate
of authenticity and everything.
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No, get out of here.
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Get out of here! Get out of here!
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God, do you ever wanna just kill somebody?
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Everybody, all the time.
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You know, I wouldn't say this
in front of Mike,
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but I'm starting to think
this is not gonna happen.
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Of course it's gonna happen.
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You don't know that.
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Yes, I do. 'Cause I got faith.
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Which is exactly what you need.
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Grab your coat, you're coming with me.
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Where?
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I'm taking you to my friend's house.
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My buddy, God, and his little boy, Jesus.
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Oh, I appreciate what you're doing,
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but I'm not really tight with those guys.
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Well, I am.
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I've done a lot of dirty work
for our lord,
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it's time for him to pay up.
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And bring your mother and sister, too.
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You'll look better in his eyes
if they're next to you.
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Makes sense, I mean...
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I get that. You know what? Mom! Victoria!
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We're going to church!
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Please tell me
that's the name of a new club.
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No, it's the real deal. It's for the baby.
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I'll put on underwear.
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I feel a little nervous being here.
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I've done some sinful things in my life.
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I've done sinful things
in the last two hours.
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I know, Mom. We have thin walls.
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Doesn't matter.
That's the beauty of religion.
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You can do all sorts of unnatural acts,
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and come in here,
and clean-slate it.
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God is forgiving.
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Not the God I pray to.
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You want forgiveness,
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go to the hippie Lutheran joint
down the street.
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The God that lives here
is angry and vengeful.
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Well, then is he really the one
to help us?
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Vince has got a guy who can get us a baby
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and a 60-inch plasma.
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This is gonna work,
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you just gotta do exactly as I say.
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Here. A Saint William medal.
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Patron saint of adoption.
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Are you seriously telling me
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that if I wear that, I'm gonna get a baby?
200
00:09:18,958 --> 00:09:21,426
Don't be ridiculous, it's not magic.
201
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You gotta wear it for a few days,
202
00:09:23,629 --> 00:09:25,221
spit on it and bury it in the backyard.
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Then you get a baby.
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Yeah, that makes sense.
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00:09:30,603 --> 00:09:34,630
Yeah, anything we can do?
Rain dance? Jump in a volcano?
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00:09:34,974 --> 00:09:37,499
You want to jump in a volcano,
I'm not gonna stop you.
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Peggy, it's real sweet of you
to try to help.
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00:09:41,847 --> 00:09:43,007
But I don't think Molly is...
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Okay.
210
00:09:46,352 --> 00:09:47,546
How many days, how much spit,
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00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:49,312
and how deep do I have to bury it?
212
00:10:02,702 --> 00:10:04,567
I can't believe
you dragged me to this place.
213
00:10:04,737 --> 00:10:05,726
Just relax.
214
00:10:05,972 --> 00:10:06,961
We're gonna hear what she says,
215
00:10:07,139 --> 00:10:08,128
and if you don't like it, we'll leave.
216
00:10:08,307 --> 00:10:09,365
That sounds like the same thing you said
217
00:10:09,542 --> 00:10:11,533
when you tricked me into going
to that timeshare thing.
218
00:10:11,744 --> 00:10:13,075
Man, we had to stay until the first break
219
00:10:13,245 --> 00:10:14,803
or we wouldn't have got
the rolling suitcase.
220
00:10:16,682 --> 00:10:17,842
Hello, Carl.
221
00:10:18,017 --> 00:10:19,245
I see you brought a friend.
222
00:10:19,418 --> 00:10:20,783
Yeah, I told you she was good.
223
00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:22,682
Mike, this is Madame Vianne.
224
00:10:22,855 --> 00:10:23,981
Madame Vianne, my best friend
225
00:10:24,156 --> 00:10:25,646
and spiritual brother, Mike Biggs.
226
00:10:25,825 --> 00:10:27,053
Nice to meet you.
227
00:10:27,226 --> 00:10:29,456
But just to be clear, uh,
I didn't want to come.
228
00:10:30,096 --> 00:10:31,791
- Oh, I sensed that.
- Hmm, very intuitive.
229
00:10:31,964 --> 00:10:33,295
Shut up.
230
00:10:34,133 --> 00:10:35,259
But you wouldn't have come at all
231
00:10:35,434 --> 00:10:36,958
unless you were looking for answers.
232
00:10:38,337 --> 00:10:39,736
True.
233
00:10:40,740 --> 00:10:42,503
I sense there's a hole,
234
00:10:42,675 --> 00:10:45,109
and you're waiting
for something to fill it.
235
00:10:45,711 --> 00:10:47,144
Something you fear will never come.
236
00:10:47,313 --> 00:10:48,302
Mmm-hmm.
237
00:10:49,148 --> 00:10:50,581
And it's not just affecting you,
238
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it's affecting someone you love very much.
239
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Mmm-hmm.
240
00:10:55,054 --> 00:10:56,248
And if this hole is filled,
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00:10:56,422 --> 00:10:59,448
it will make the two of you
happier than you've ever been.
242
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:00,648
Mmm-hmm.
243
00:11:02,561 --> 00:11:03,550
Didn't I tell you she was good?
244
00:11:03,729 --> 00:11:04,718
Mmm-hmm.
245
00:11:16,142 --> 00:11:18,940
Look, I'm just gonna be straight.
246
00:11:19,745 --> 00:11:22,373
I just jumped on your bandwagon
this afternoon,
247
00:11:22,548 --> 00:11:24,277
but you know that.
248
00:11:25,184 --> 00:11:27,812
And I've had my issues with you
in the past.
249
00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:33,083
The wars, the diseases, I mean,
come on, the Cubs.
250
00:11:34,827 --> 00:11:37,421
But I think we can put all that aside
251
00:11:37,596 --> 00:11:40,190
and just, kind of like,
get Mama a baby.
252
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:44,499
Amen, please, and thank you.
253
00:11:46,772 --> 00:11:47,761
- What are you doing?
- What?
254
00:11:47,940 --> 00:11:48,929
- Are you praying?
- No.
255
00:11:49,108 --> 00:11:52,509
Yeah, praying that I find
that earring that I...
256
00:11:52,678 --> 00:11:53,838
You know what, it's right there.
257
00:11:54,013 --> 00:11:57,244
Last place you ever look,
right in the old ear.
258
00:11:57,416 --> 00:11:58,644
How was your day?
259
00:11:59,251 --> 00:12:00,582
Good, good, good. Yours?
260
00:12:00,753 --> 00:12:02,277
- Good.
- Great.
261
00:12:03,089 --> 00:12:04,454
Excellent.
262
00:12:04,657 --> 00:12:06,249
- Did you talk to Jesus today?
- What?
263
00:12:06,425 --> 00:12:07,756
About fixing the front door.
264
00:12:08,260 --> 00:12:09,818
- Oh, Jesus.
- Yeah.
265
00:12:10,830 --> 00:12:13,298
Uh, no, I didn't hear back from him.
266
00:12:13,466 --> 00:12:16,401
Well, it's like I always said,
it'll happen when it happens.
267
00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:18,560
So true. It's in his hands now.
268
00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:20,433
May he be guided by the oracle of light.
269
00:12:20,606 --> 00:12:21,732
- What?
- What?
270
00:12:22,441 --> 00:12:24,409
Nothing, sweetie. Good night.
271
00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:26,738
Okay, good night.
272
00:12:34,286 --> 00:12:36,083
Are you as big of a mess as I am?
273
00:12:36,355 --> 00:12:37,583
Worse.
274
00:12:38,891 --> 00:12:40,552
That makes me feel so much better.
275
00:12:41,393 --> 00:12:42,917
- 'Night.
- Good night.
276
00:12:52,538 --> 00:12:54,165
Any word from the adoption agency?
277
00:12:54,340 --> 00:12:57,639
No, but now I got a $60 rock in my pocket.
278
00:12:57,810 --> 00:12:58,936
Madame Vianne says
279
00:12:59,111 --> 00:13:00,738
it's supposed to attract positive energy.
280
00:13:04,383 --> 00:13:07,284
Okay, first of all, it's not a rock,
281
00:13:10,923 --> 00:13:12,185
it's an amethyst.
282
00:13:12,358 --> 00:13:13,347
Okay? And secondly,
283
00:13:13,526 --> 00:13:15,653
you're supposed to be
carrying it on your left side.
284
00:13:15,895 --> 00:13:17,920
It ain't no opal.
What are you thinking?
285
00:13:21,100 --> 00:13:22,192
I feel like a fool.
286
00:13:22,568 --> 00:13:24,331
You're not a fool. You're just
a man who wants a baby,
287
00:13:24,503 --> 00:13:26,334
and you're gonna do whatever
it takes to make that happen.
288
00:13:26,739 --> 00:13:29,299
Even if it means listening
to some crazy gypsy.
289
00:13:29,742 --> 00:13:31,676
Gypsy? No, she's from Toronto.
290
00:13:33,946 --> 00:13:36,278
Madame Vianne? That charlatan?
291
00:13:36,448 --> 00:13:38,609
Any amateur magician
could do what she does.
292
00:13:38,784 --> 00:13:40,149
Oh, you just got sour grapes
293
00:13:40,319 --> 00:13:41,445
'cause she said you'll never get married.
294
00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:42,709
No.
295
00:13:42,888 --> 00:13:45,186
She didn't say never. She said,
"Not in this lifetime."
296
00:13:47,493 --> 00:13:48,790
Same as when I asked her out.
297
00:13:53,532 --> 00:13:54,999
What do you suppose she meant
when she said
298
00:13:55,167 --> 00:13:58,967
I would never receive a new love
until I let go of an old love?
299
00:14:00,873 --> 00:14:02,340
Don't you even think of getting rid of me.
300
00:14:04,276 --> 00:14:05,675
Why not? We had a good run.
301
00:14:07,246 --> 00:14:08,508
Hey, you've never had a good run.
302
00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:10,171
Okay.
303
00:14:10,583 --> 00:14:12,414
See? I can be hurtful too.
304
00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:15,378
I just don't get it.
305
00:14:15,554 --> 00:14:17,579
Molly and I have done everything
to get ready for this baby.
306
00:14:17,756 --> 00:14:20,122
We got a crib, a nursery, a Diaper Genie.
307
00:14:20,292 --> 00:14:23,420
I even went out and bought
the safest car seat on the market.
308
00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:25,823
Hmm. Well, good luck wedging it
into the backseat
309
00:14:25,998 --> 00:14:28,728
- of that muscle car.
- I've ridden back there.
310
00:14:28,901 --> 00:14:30,198
Never been more cramped,
311
00:14:30,369 --> 00:14:32,735
and I was smuggled into
this country in an oil drum.
312
00:14:34,773 --> 00:14:36,866
Look, quit trashing the Challenger.
313
00:14:37,109 --> 00:14:38,736
It's a HEMI V8 with a Scat Pack,
314
00:14:38,911 --> 00:14:41,038
470 horses under the hood.
315
00:14:41,547 --> 00:14:43,105
Might not be a practical family car
316
00:14:43,282 --> 00:14:45,216
but it's my baby and I love it.
317
00:14:50,389 --> 00:14:52,414
Oh!
318
00:14:54,260 --> 00:14:56,285
Knows all, sees all.
319
00:15:04,837 --> 00:15:07,635
Okay, we need to go
at least two feet deep.
320
00:15:07,806 --> 00:15:10,274
Then we bury Saint William
and we don't dig him up
321
00:15:10,442 --> 00:15:12,137
until he gives us a child.
322
00:15:13,379 --> 00:15:15,540
Are you sure this is sanctioned
by the church?
323
00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:18,273
Well, anything goes with that new pope,
324
00:15:18,450 --> 00:15:19,815
but, you know,
325
00:15:19,985 --> 00:15:22,476
they bury Saint Joseph when
they wanna sell their house,
326
00:15:22,655 --> 00:15:24,020
so this just makes sense.
327
00:15:24,690 --> 00:15:27,557
You know, it kind of does, it feels right.
328
00:15:28,961 --> 00:15:32,124
Two feet exactly, or who knows
what we're gonna conjure up.
329
00:15:32,431 --> 00:15:33,557
It's my first grandchild,
330
00:15:33,732 --> 00:15:35,757
I don't need it to have cloven feet.
331
00:15:36,969 --> 00:15:39,494
I think you might be
more baby crazy than I am.
332
00:15:39,705 --> 00:15:40,899
Oh, maybe I am.
333
00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:44,673
I worked two jobs
while I was raising Mikey.
334
00:15:45,644 --> 00:15:47,703
He was usually asleep before I got home.
335
00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:50,474
Couldn't even be there
to cook him a decent meal.
336
00:15:51,016 --> 00:15:54,474
Half the time he'd fix himself
a bowl of cereal for dinner.
337
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:59,887
Well, you were a single mom.
Plus, he loves cereal.
338
00:16:01,660 --> 00:16:04,128
I just want another run at it is all.
339
00:16:05,364 --> 00:16:07,798
I may not have been the perfect mother,
340
00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:11,960
but I'll tell you this, I'm
gonna be the best damn grandma.
341
00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:15,270
I don't doubt that.
342
00:16:16,575 --> 00:16:19,066
And you shouldn't be
so hard on yourself, Peggy.
343
00:16:19,645 --> 00:16:21,613
I mean, you raised a good man.
344
00:16:22,448 --> 00:16:25,906
He's loving and kind
and level-headed and...
345
00:16:31,223 --> 00:16:33,214
Mike, what is this?
Where is the Challenger?
346
00:16:33,559 --> 00:16:35,584
Don't worry,
there's a logical explanation.
347
00:16:35,761 --> 00:16:37,558
Carl's psychic convinced me to trade it in
348
00:16:37,730 --> 00:16:38,992
so we can get a baby.
349
00:16:40,532 --> 00:16:42,227
You realize that sounds ridiculous?
350
00:16:42,401 --> 00:16:44,232
Are we digging this hole, or not?
351
00:16:45,037 --> 00:16:46,026
We'll talk later. Your mom and I
352
00:16:46,205 --> 00:16:47,365
are burying a saint in the backyard.
353
00:16:47,539 --> 00:16:49,336
That's how you get a baby.
354
00:16:51,977 --> 00:16:53,740
What are you talking to me for?
Get to digging!
355
00:16:53,912 --> 00:16:54,970
All right!
356
00:16:55,147 --> 00:16:56,444
Here, toss in this magic rock.
357
00:16:56,615 --> 00:16:57,639
Can't hurt to hedge our bets.
358
00:16:58,350 --> 00:16:59,942
Hey, Ma, come check out the minivan,
359
00:17:00,152 --> 00:17:01,551
it's got 19 cup holders.
360
00:17:12,464 --> 00:17:13,897
Right when I spit in the hole,
361
00:17:14,066 --> 00:17:15,931
that's when I knew
I'd gone off the deep end.
362
00:17:17,236 --> 00:17:20,637
I went to Carl's psychic. Carl's psychic.
363
00:17:21,206 --> 00:17:22,537
Sit with that for a second.
364
00:17:23,008 --> 00:17:26,205
We have got to stop acting like lunatics.
365
00:17:26,378 --> 00:17:27,606
Agreed. Nothing we're gonna do
366
00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:29,805
is going to make
this baby happen any sooner.
367
00:17:29,982 --> 00:17:32,849
We've done all we can,
all we can do now is wait.
368
00:17:33,819 --> 00:17:35,446
Actually, there is something we can do.
369
00:17:36,088 --> 00:17:38,648
We can get out of this house
and away from that damn phone.
370
00:17:40,392 --> 00:17:41,723
- Great idea.
- All right.
371
00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:42,883
We're gonna hit the drive-through
372
00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:44,620
and have dinner and a movie in the van.
373
00:17:44,930 --> 00:17:46,056
Does that have a DVD player?
374
00:17:46,231 --> 00:17:48,096
I have never been more in love
with you.
375
00:17:51,236 --> 00:17:52,863
That's gotta be a telemarketer.
376
00:17:53,305 --> 00:17:55,170
Well, whoever it is
they can leave a message,
377
00:17:55,340 --> 00:17:57,968
'cause I have a date with my man
in the back of a van.
378
00:18:02,681 --> 00:18:05,343
This message
is for Mike Biggs and Molly Flynn.
379
00:18:05,517 --> 00:18:07,781
It's Isabelle from the adoption center.
380
00:18:07,953 --> 00:18:10,513
Congratulations, we have
a mother who has selected you
381
00:18:10,689 --> 00:18:12,418
as the adoptive parents of her baby.
382
00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:14,825
My number is...
383
00:18:14,993 --> 00:18:17,553
Don't hang up! Don't hang up!
Don't hang up!
384
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:25,000
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll