1 00:00:14,656 --> 00:00:16,158 It's time. 2 00:00:19,105 --> 00:00:23,137 Thanksgiving has always meant sharing the bounty 3 00:00:23,139 --> 00:00:24,674 of our rich land, 4 00:00:24,676 --> 00:00:26,978 especially turkey. 5 00:00:26,979 --> 00:00:30,275 But the one thing we will not be sharing this holiday 6 00:00:30,277 --> 00:00:32,421 is Drumstick or Cranberry. 7 00:00:32,423 --> 00:00:36,294 Catherine actually personally chose those names, didn't you, honey? 8 00:00:36,296 --> 00:00:38,696 - Um, yes, I did. - Yes, she did. 9 00:00:38,697 --> 00:00:42,183 Help me get a few more details about these turkeys that I can maybe give the press. 10 00:00:42,185 --> 00:00:44,649 Like are they gonna hit the minibar tonight at their hotel? 11 00:00:44,651 --> 00:00:46,698 Well, we booked the hotel for a few nights, 12 00:00:46,700 --> 00:00:49,035 but I'm taking these guys straight to a petting zoo 13 00:00:49,037 --> 00:00:50,636 in Virginia after the ceremony. 14 00:00:50,638 --> 00:00:53,133 Oh, they can while away the rest of their peaceful years there. 15 00:00:53,135 --> 00:00:55,406 Well, they were bred to be eaten, so they'll probably collapse 16 00:00:55,408 --> 00:00:58,223 from their own weight and die in a year or two, tops. 17 00:00:58,225 --> 00:01:01,744 Is there a more fun way to say that? 18 00:01:01,746 --> 00:01:04,432 With the power vested in me, 19 00:01:04,434 --> 00:01:08,370 I hereby declare Drumstick and Cranberry 20 00:01:08,372 --> 00:01:12,244 pardoned from the Thanksgiving dinner table 21 00:01:12,246 --> 00:01:14,229 and also for tax evasion. 22 00:01:16,183 --> 00:01:18,646 There we go. Oh! Oh! 23 00:01:18,648 --> 00:01:20,567 I think they're trying to fly away. 24 00:01:20,569 --> 00:01:22,519 Ooh, these birds are filthy. 25 00:01:22,521 --> 00:01:25,818 - Dan. - Hey, why have I been greened? 26 00:01:25,820 --> 00:01:27,962 - Will you tell our friend over here... - Take it easy. 27 00:01:27,964 --> 00:01:29,723 It's just a screwup with the security office. 28 00:01:29,725 --> 00:01:31,484 Someone's got a case of the blue badge blue balls. 29 00:01:31,486 --> 00:01:33,532 I'm gonna assign you to Tom James' office. 30 00:01:33,534 --> 00:01:36,445 They're shorthanded since we're duking it out with Congress. 31 00:01:36,447 --> 00:01:38,207 I'll escort him in. He's harmless. 32 00:01:38,209 --> 00:01:39,583 Unless you got a sister. 33 00:01:39,585 --> 00:01:41,472 You looking forward to Thanksgiving, Marjorie? 34 00:01:41,474 --> 00:01:44,065 - Oh, yes, ma'am. - Where do you spend the holiday? 35 00:01:44,067 --> 00:01:46,114 - In Maryland, ma'am. - Oh, that's where I'm from. 36 00:01:46,116 --> 00:01:47,682 I know, ma'am. 37 00:01:47,683 --> 00:01:49,794 Selina: Okay, so tell Congressman Price 38 00:01:49,796 --> 00:01:51,844 I just pardoned his stanky-ass turkeys, 39 00:01:51,846 --> 00:01:54,116 so I'm gonna expect him to wrap up 40 00:01:54,118 --> 00:01:56,067 that Missouri delegation when the House votes, right? 41 00:01:56,091 --> 00:01:56,934 Well played, ma'am. 42 00:01:56,936 --> 00:01:59,463 Missouri's the largest turkey-producing state in the union. 43 00:01:59,465 --> 00:02:01,360 Second only to Minnesota followed by North Carolina. 44 00:02:01,384 --> 00:02:01,991 Ma'am. 45 00:02:01,993 --> 00:02:02,729 And Arkansas. 46 00:02:02,753 --> 00:02:04,936 Maybe I can pardon a car with a defective airbag... 47 00:02:04,938 --> 00:02:06,537 ...and we can wrap up Michigan. 48 00:02:06,539 --> 00:02:08,777 Michigan is actually the largest producer of battery acid. 49 00:02:08,779 --> 00:02:11,339 Can somebody reach around the back of Kent's head and power him down? 50 00:02:11,341 --> 00:02:13,132 Oh, ma'am, latest from Treasury 51 00:02:13,134 --> 00:02:15,244 is housing starts are down and unemployment's up. 52 00:02:15,246 --> 00:02:16,622 Any chance we can switch those? 53 00:02:16,624 --> 00:02:18,350 I'll turn the graphs upside down. 54 00:02:18,352 --> 00:02:21,455 Oh, listen, I'm not gonna need you this weekend or tomorrow, 55 00:02:21,457 --> 00:02:23,792 - so you can take that off, okay? - Oh, fantastic. 56 00:02:23,794 --> 00:02:26,673 My husband and I are having his whole family over for turkey. 57 00:02:26,675 --> 00:02:28,722 Husband? You're married? 58 00:02:28,724 --> 00:02:30,355 Yes. Last year. 59 00:02:30,357 --> 00:02:33,044 250 people, no one from work. 60 00:02:33,046 --> 00:02:34,772 Catherine: Mom, can I have a sec? 61 00:02:34,774 --> 00:02:37,588 - Privately? - Sure, honey. 62 00:02:37,590 --> 00:02:40,182 - What is it? - Okay. 63 00:02:40,184 --> 00:02:42,615 Well, I was just gonna go meet Dad and Monica. 64 00:02:42,617 --> 00:02:44,536 I was just wondering what time you'll be arriving. 65 00:02:44,538 --> 00:02:47,609 Oh, honey, I can't. 66 00:02:47,611 --> 00:02:49,882 But it's the first Thanksgiving since Mee-maw's gone. 67 00:02:49,884 --> 00:02:51,707 There's a lot to be thankful for. 68 00:02:51,709 --> 00:02:53,691 But we're doing a whole dinner at her house. 69 00:02:53,693 --> 00:02:56,124 I mean, it... or, well, my house. 70 00:02:56,126 --> 00:02:58,461 God, it still sounds so weird saying that. 71 00:02:58,463 --> 00:03:00,318 Yeah, it really does. 72 00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:02,047 But I have to be here, sweetie pie, 73 00:03:02,049 --> 00:03:04,288 'cause I've got to call all of these Congress people. 74 00:03:04,290 --> 00:03:07,169 Whip the vote. You understand that. Mommy's got to whip. 75 00:03:07,171 --> 00:03:08,930 - Whip it good. What is that? - Devo. 76 00:03:08,931 --> 00:03:10,945 Well, can't you make those phone calls from anywhere? 77 00:03:10,947 --> 00:03:12,931 - Nope, it's got to be Washington. - Right. 78 00:03:12,932 --> 00:03:15,524 It makes a big difference to know that she's calling from the Oval. 79 00:03:15,526 --> 00:03:16,997 But doesn't it just come up as unlisted? 80 00:03:16,999 --> 00:03:18,918 They're ready in the Roosevelt Room. 81 00:03:20,136 --> 00:03:22,888 Mom, so this is the famous White House mess. 82 00:03:22,890 --> 00:03:25,127 - Oh, very nice, Joni. - Yeah, isn't it? 83 00:03:25,129 --> 00:03:28,681 So this was renovated in 1951 by... 84 00:03:28,683 --> 00:03:30,826 hey, I'll be right back. 85 00:03:30,828 --> 00:03:32,138 Okay, just one second. 86 00:03:32,140 --> 00:03:34,892 Ooh, is that the mandarin chicken salad? 87 00:03:34,894 --> 00:03:37,228 Looks delicious. Hey, can I see your badge? 88 00:03:37,230 --> 00:03:39,310 My rusty sheriff's badge? 89 00:03:39,312 --> 00:03:42,670 Oh, I'm sure that showing your anus gets you into all your regular social clubs, 90 00:03:42,672 --> 00:03:44,879 but this is the White House mess and to be in here, 91 00:03:44,881 --> 00:03:46,960 you got to have one of these blue bad boys. 92 00:03:46,962 --> 00:03:48,273 Why are you doing this, Jonah? 93 00:03:48,275 --> 00:03:50,354 You see the picture of Grover Cleveland? 94 00:03:50,356 --> 00:03:51,922 Is that a tear in his eye 95 00:03:51,924 --> 00:03:53,908 because he knows the rules aren't being respected? 96 00:03:53,910 --> 00:03:55,092 Oh, Jesus. Fuck you. 97 00:03:55,093 --> 00:03:56,756 Excuse me, sir. We have an intruder here. 98 00:03:56,758 --> 00:03:59,124 No, we don't. You know, Jonah, 99 00:03:59,126 --> 00:04:00,790 I hope you die a horrible death 100 00:04:00,792 --> 00:04:03,543 choking on a red, glistening dog dick. 101 00:04:03,545 --> 00:04:06,872 - Have a lovely Thanksgiving, Mrs. Ryan. - Oh, you, too. 102 00:04:06,874 --> 00:04:08,986 - Well, I'm ready if you are. - For what? 103 00:04:08,988 --> 00:04:12,315 I invited Richard to come back with us for Thanksgiving tomorrow. 104 00:04:12,317 --> 00:04:16,156 Mom, you don't invite my friends to Thanksgiving dinner. 105 00:04:16,158 --> 00:04:18,844 I invite my friends to Thanksgiving dinner. 106 00:04:18,846 --> 00:04:21,726 Richard, would you like to come to Thanksgiving dinner? 107 00:04:23,617 --> 00:04:25,272 Thanksgiving wouldn't be complete... 108 00:04:25,825 --> 00:04:27,521 Morning. Happy Thanksgiving. 109 00:04:27,523 --> 00:04:28,928 - Are they ready for me? - Yeah. 110 00:04:28,930 --> 00:04:31,074 It's this election has just been brutal on me. 111 00:04:31,076 --> 00:04:34,435 My eyelids are seriously starting to look like Keith Richards' ball sack. 112 00:04:34,437 --> 00:04:37,412 - Oh, please. He wishes. - Ma'am, Mike just announced to the press 113 00:04:37,414 --> 00:04:40,261 that we're closing up shop for the Thanksgiving holiday and we're monitoring 114 00:04:40,263 --> 00:04:42,599 a North Korean military exercise right now and that's about it. 115 00:04:42,601 --> 00:04:44,198 God, all that exercising and Glorious Leader 116 00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:45,704 still can't seem to take off a pound, right? 117 00:04:45,706 --> 00:04:47,367 That haircut's not doing him any favors. 118 00:04:47,369 --> 00:04:50,377 The South Korean PM is asking for a few minutes to discuss. 119 00:04:50,379 --> 00:04:52,234 And the CDC is reporting a few more cases 120 00:04:52,236 --> 00:04:54,730 of salmonella poisoning linked to contaminated poultry. 121 00:04:54,732 --> 00:04:57,739 Tell the South Korean PM I'll give her a call later this afternoon. 122 00:04:57,741 --> 00:05:00,013 - Right. - After, you know. Wish me luck, though. 123 00:05:00,015 --> 00:05:01,518 - Good luck. - Yeah. 124 00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:04,814 - Madam President. - Dr. Abernathy. 125 00:05:04,816 --> 00:05:07,407 - If you could please have a seat. Gary. - Dr. Abernathy. 126 00:05:07,409 --> 00:05:09,168 - You're here. - I'm here to assist the president. 127 00:05:09,169 --> 00:05:11,121 Well, I think that Karen and I can handle this. 128 00:05:11,123 --> 00:05:13,265 - Oh! - Oh, I'm so sorry. How are you? 129 00:05:13,267 --> 00:05:16,436 I'm fine, thank you. I'm just a little nervous, I have to confess. 130 00:05:16,437 --> 00:05:18,164 - You're gonna be fine. - Yeah. 131 00:05:18,166 --> 00:05:20,053 You're gonna be fine, ma'am. In fact, I usually perform 132 00:05:20,055 --> 00:05:21,685 things that are a bit more complicated than a De-bagging. 133 00:05:21,687 --> 00:05:23,414 A De-bagging? Is that what you just said? 134 00:05:23,416 --> 00:05:24,758 I thought you said tea-bagging. 135 00:05:24,760 --> 00:05:26,807 No, no, no. That's my department. 136 00:05:26,809 --> 00:05:29,881 He means that literally. He doesn't know what the other thing is. 137 00:05:29,883 --> 00:05:34,106 Anyway, listen, can you just talk me through this procedure one more time? 138 00:05:34,108 --> 00:05:37,499 It's quite simple. I actually don't have to make any cuts to the exterior dermis. 139 00:05:37,501 --> 00:05:39,868 It's all approached internally from behind the eyelid. 140 00:05:39,870 --> 00:05:43,134 There's gonna be a little swelling and of course a tiny bit of bruising afterwards. 141 00:05:43,136 --> 00:05:45,503 - Ooh, bruising? - Yes, Gary, bruising. 142 00:05:45,505 --> 00:05:47,743 That's when a little blood collects underneath the skin. 143 00:05:47,745 --> 00:05:49,792 It's not a problem for an actual doctor. 144 00:05:49,794 --> 00:05:51,393 Now, the beauty of this procedure 145 00:05:51,395 --> 00:05:53,217 is that we can do it today and you'll be healed by Monday. 146 00:05:53,219 --> 00:05:54,786 And I'll look 10 years younger. 147 00:05:54,787 --> 00:05:56,066 That would make you a baby. 148 00:05:56,068 --> 00:05:57,923 - Okay, it's... - Shall we get started? 149 00:05:57,925 --> 00:06:00,837 - Okay. Yeah. - Gary, if you'll please excuse us. 150 00:06:00,839 --> 00:06:02,917 It's very easy for me just to sit right there. 151 00:06:02,919 --> 00:06:04,423 - I've got it. - Easy. 152 00:06:07,177 --> 00:06:08,808 Officials are reporting a salmonella outbreak... 153 00:06:08,832 --> 00:06:09,607 You seeing this? 154 00:06:09,609 --> 00:06:13,257 ...that has led to 37 hospitalizations in four states. 155 00:06:13,259 --> 00:06:15,498 POTUS is still getting permanently Photoshopped. 156 00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:18,668 Let's get the head of the CDC out there, calm everyone down. 157 00:06:18,670 --> 00:06:21,933 Let's send Tom James out as well. He's a tall drink of Xanax. 158 00:06:21,935 --> 00:06:23,736 The number of people taken ill is orders 159 00:06:23,760 --> 00:06:25,454 of magnitude below statistical significance. 160 00:06:25,456 --> 00:06:28,367 Do people not understand basic nonparametric statistics? 161 00:06:28,369 --> 00:06:30,032 Or how to cook a fucking turkey. 162 00:06:30,034 --> 00:06:32,433 Oh, sir, you're here now. Good. 163 00:06:32,435 --> 00:06:35,666 - So Ben told me that apparently... - We're being deployed. 164 00:06:35,668 --> 00:06:37,587 Operation Calm the Fuck Down. 165 00:06:37,589 --> 00:06:39,412 - Yes. - Come on in. 166 00:06:39,413 --> 00:06:41,556 Just the guy I wanted to see. 167 00:06:41,558 --> 00:06:43,701 Ooh, uh-oh. I know that number. 168 00:06:43,703 --> 00:06:45,526 The number of the beast Sidney Purcell. 169 00:06:45,528 --> 00:06:47,702 I don't know why he keeps calling me. 170 00:06:47,704 --> 00:06:49,431 His comprehension of the word no 171 00:06:49,433 --> 00:06:52,665 hovers somewhere around drunk college quarterback level. 172 00:06:52,667 --> 00:06:55,162 But anyway, sir, how can I help you? 173 00:06:55,164 --> 00:06:56,890 Got a little something for you. 174 00:06:56,892 --> 00:06:59,035 Carol in personnel owed me a favor. 175 00:06:59,037 --> 00:07:03,389 Oh, this is gonna wipe that crooked smile off Jonah Ryan's face. 176 00:07:03,391 --> 00:07:05,149 I think that's genetic. 177 00:07:05,151 --> 00:07:07,967 You know, Egan, I work a little differently than the president. 178 00:07:07,969 --> 00:07:10,400 As far as treating my staff, I try not to act 179 00:07:10,401 --> 00:07:13,249 like an alcoholic father who has just stepped on a Lego. 180 00:07:13,251 --> 00:07:15,041 I value openness and straight talk. 181 00:07:15,042 --> 00:07:16,706 You're part of the James team now. 182 00:07:16,708 --> 00:07:18,627 - Part of my inner circle. - I'm honored. 183 00:07:18,629 --> 00:07:21,348 So raise your right hand and repeat the oath. 184 00:07:22,822 --> 00:07:25,094 I'm fucking with you. Come on, let's go. 185 00:07:25,096 --> 00:07:26,694 That's very good, sir. 186 00:07:26,696 --> 00:07:28,840 - Mike! Mike! - Mike, is this a salmonella epidemic? 187 00:07:28,842 --> 00:07:30,151 Is the president going to make a statement? 188 00:07:30,153 --> 00:07:32,776 She will be making a full statement soon... 189 00:07:32,778 --> 00:07:35,914 sooner than you think, but only when she's ready. 190 00:07:35,916 --> 00:07:38,347 Right now, though, I'd like to bring up Dr. Robert Weinberg 191 00:07:38,349 --> 00:07:41,292 from the Centers for Disease Control. Dr. Weinberg. 192 00:07:43,950 --> 00:07:45,902 - This is not good. - It's fine. 193 00:07:45,904 --> 00:07:48,110 Everybody's watching football. There's only a couple cases. 194 00:07:48,112 --> 00:07:49,839 No, Wendy's pissed. 195 00:07:49,841 --> 00:07:52,912 I left her at home with her folks and my folks plus her kids. 196 00:07:52,914 --> 00:07:56,145 Shit, I don't even know who's at my house. 197 00:07:56,147 --> 00:07:58,611 I don't even know if they're in town. 198 00:07:58,613 --> 00:08:00,660 I hate to admit it, but sometimes 199 00:08:00,661 --> 00:08:02,899 I'm scared of Wendy. 200 00:08:02,901 --> 00:08:04,948 She still has a great rack, though. 201 00:08:06,583 --> 00:08:09,111 - What do you think? - Oh, yeah. You did great, ma'am. 202 00:08:09,112 --> 00:08:11,063 - Oh, good. - Excuse me, ma'am. 203 00:08:11,065 --> 00:08:14,329 - Hi, guys. - Doesn't she look amazing? 204 00:08:14,331 --> 00:08:15,834 Jesus, you look like a southern housewife 205 00:08:15,835 --> 00:08:17,305 who just burned her husband's dinner. 206 00:08:17,307 --> 00:08:19,898 Ma'am, the salmonella outbreak has mushroomed. 207 00:08:19,900 --> 00:08:21,691 The cases now number over 200. 208 00:08:21,693 --> 00:08:23,644 Oh, my God. Are you kidding? 209 00:08:23,646 --> 00:08:26,044 - Should I make a statement? - No, that's not a good idea. 210 00:08:26,046 --> 00:08:29,631 No one should see you while your face is... marinating. 211 00:08:29,633 --> 00:08:32,832 Okay, she just had 10 years taken off her eyes. 212 00:08:32,833 --> 00:08:34,625 - Yes. - Well, I don't think they left yet. 213 00:08:34,627 --> 00:08:37,282 You just stay hidden, okay? Doctor's orders, right? 214 00:08:37,283 --> 00:08:40,322 What are you asking him for? He's not a doctor. 215 00:08:40,324 --> 00:08:44,068 I mean, he doesn't have any academic qualifications to speak of. 216 00:08:44,070 --> 00:08:45,893 Well, I have a bachelor's degree in hotel management 217 00:08:45,895 --> 00:08:47,814 - from Cornell University. - No, you don't. 218 00:08:47,816 --> 00:08:50,471 Maybe we should ask the vice president to make a statement. 219 00:08:50,473 --> 00:08:53,767 No! He's the old face of this administration. 220 00:08:53,769 --> 00:08:57,257 - This is the new face. - It's a beautiful face. 221 00:08:57,259 --> 00:08:58,282 Well, you know... 222 00:08:58,283 --> 00:09:00,363 So may we go ahead and ask Doyle? 223 00:09:00,365 --> 00:09:02,443 All right, fine. Ow! 224 00:09:02,445 --> 00:09:03,659 - Whoa. - Aw. 225 00:09:03,661 --> 00:09:06,317 It really hurts to roll my eyes. 226 00:09:06,319 --> 00:09:08,461 Okay, yes, ask Doyle. 227 00:09:08,462 --> 00:09:10,221 But don't tell him why. 228 00:09:10,223 --> 00:09:12,783 - Wow. - It's okay. It's okay. 229 00:09:12,785 --> 00:09:14,800 Please don't keep touching me every day. 230 00:09:16,210 --> 00:09:17,458 The first ever Thanksgiving, 231 00:09:17,459 --> 00:09:18,769 there was actually no turkey at all. 232 00:09:18,771 --> 00:09:20,114 - Did you know that? - Fascinating. 233 00:09:20,116 --> 00:09:21,555 The pilgrims, they ate deer 234 00:09:21,557 --> 00:09:24,276 and harvest vegetables like corn, zucchini. 235 00:09:24,277 --> 00:09:26,228 They yelled at Grandpa, obviously. 236 00:09:26,230 --> 00:09:28,853 - Of course. - Some truths are eternal, but no turkey. 237 00:09:28,855 --> 00:09:30,485 - Thank you, Senator. - You're welcome. 238 00:09:30,487 --> 00:09:32,663 Happy Thanksgiving and early Hanukkah. 239 00:09:32,665 --> 00:09:34,968 Yes. We will be right back after this short break. 240 00:09:34,970 --> 00:09:36,921 - And we're clear. - I love the Hanukkah bit. 241 00:09:36,923 --> 00:09:39,289 Good. I'm jonesing for a cup of coffee. 242 00:09:39,291 --> 00:09:43,034 I mean sell my sweet white ass on a street corner jonesing. 243 00:09:43,036 --> 00:09:44,283 Yeah, tell me about it. 244 00:09:46,846 --> 00:09:48,925 Oh, yeah. Sure, yeah. 245 00:09:48,927 --> 00:09:52,607 Also one cream, splash of half-and-half, one sugar, one Splenda. 246 00:09:52,609 --> 00:09:54,784 If that's not too much trouble. 247 00:09:54,786 --> 00:09:57,664 - Not at all. I'm... - Egan to please. 248 00:09:57,666 --> 00:09:59,009 Ben: Mr. Vice President. 249 00:09:59,011 --> 00:10:01,281 Ben, I would have you to the table, but my wife, 250 00:10:01,283 --> 00:10:03,747 she fucking hates you as do I. 251 00:10:03,749 --> 00:10:06,500 And we had to throw the turkey in the trash. 252 00:10:06,502 --> 00:10:07,973 That's why I'm here. 253 00:10:07,975 --> 00:10:10,342 We need you to make a statement about the salmonella outbreak. 254 00:10:10,344 --> 00:10:12,231 Oh, why doesn't the president make it? 255 00:10:12,233 --> 00:10:14,023 Her mouth is swollen from dental surgery. 256 00:10:14,025 --> 00:10:16,424 - She can't make a statement. - You're fucking kidding me. 257 00:10:16,426 --> 00:10:20,009 Why wasn't I informed? You know there's a system in place for this eventuality? 258 00:10:20,011 --> 00:10:22,282 It falls between the 24th and 26th Amendment. 259 00:10:22,284 --> 00:10:24,747 She hasn't been sedated. She's not incapacitated. 260 00:10:24,749 --> 00:10:26,476 So there was no need to invoke the 25th. 261 00:10:26,478 --> 00:10:28,782 Well, if she's not incapacitated, you don't need me. 262 00:10:28,784 --> 00:10:30,381 She's not not incapacitated. 263 00:10:30,383 --> 00:10:33,327 She's just not fully capacitated. 264 00:10:33,329 --> 00:10:36,016 You fucking people. 265 00:10:36,018 --> 00:10:39,281 I mean, you treat the Constitution like a build-your-own-pizza menu. 266 00:10:39,283 --> 00:10:41,042 Sir, you're calm, you're confident, 267 00:10:41,044 --> 00:10:42,931 you exude a crotchety gravitas. 268 00:10:42,933 --> 00:10:46,003 We need to shut this down like a fucking public school for the arts. 269 00:10:46,005 --> 00:10:47,956 Doyle: So I've spoken to the president. 270 00:10:47,958 --> 00:10:50,709 She's up to date with the situation, which we think is under control. 271 00:10:50,711 --> 00:10:51,575 Yeah, Jeff? 272 00:10:51,599 --> 00:10:54,166 How do you feel about the term Turkeypocalypse? 273 00:10:54,168 --> 00:10:56,632 I think that's a term invented by the media. 274 00:10:56,634 --> 00:10:59,481 It's idiotic, but it scares people into watching more news, right? 275 00:10:59,483 --> 00:11:01,850 - This is amazing. - Yeah, he's doing okay. 276 00:11:01,852 --> 00:11:05,275 No, I got an email from that surrogate we met with. 277 00:11:05,277 --> 00:11:08,380 She's on board. We're putting a baby in her. 278 00:11:08,382 --> 00:11:10,686 Jesus, Mike. I'm gonna put a baby in you 279 00:11:10,688 --> 00:11:12,478 - if you don't get your head in the game. - Sorry. 280 00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:14,399 - Where is the president? - James, do me a favor. 281 00:11:14,401 --> 00:11:16,095 Next time you have a root canal, remind me. 282 00:11:16,097 --> 00:11:18,592 I'll come and pester you to be back at your desk in an hour. 283 00:11:18,594 --> 00:11:20,448 Christ, I thought he was gonna shit the bed. 284 00:11:20,450 --> 00:11:23,298 Instead he's doing turndown service and leaving a mint on the pillow. 285 00:11:23,300 --> 00:11:26,819 You know, that can be the difference between a three- and a four-star hotel. 286 00:11:27,974 --> 00:11:29,765 All right, who's up first? 287 00:11:29,767 --> 00:11:33,031 We've got Congressman Jaeger. He's from Wisconsin. 288 00:11:33,033 --> 00:11:34,928 Is he the one with the prostitute problem? 289 00:11:34,952 --> 00:11:35,559 Mmm... 290 00:11:35,561 --> 00:11:37,095 Oh, never mind. They all have that. 291 00:11:37,097 --> 00:11:39,048 House is like Caligula's room. 292 00:11:39,050 --> 00:11:41,239 Okay, well, you got the... that's a five. 293 00:11:41,263 --> 00:11:42,282 Yeah, I got it. 294 00:11:42,284 --> 00:11:43,850 - Hello? - Happy Thanksgiving. 295 00:11:43,852 --> 00:11:46,859 This is the president calling. Is Congressman Jaeger available? 296 00:11:46,861 --> 00:11:49,101 - Oh, sure. Let me get him. - Thank you. 297 00:11:49,103 --> 00:11:50,573 See? President calling herself. 298 00:11:50,575 --> 00:11:51,885 That's gotta be very impressive. 299 00:11:51,887 --> 00:11:54,158 I would die. 300 00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:55,823 Jaeger: Yes, Madam President, hello. 301 00:11:55,825 --> 00:11:57,871 Selina: Congressman Jaeger, how are you? 302 00:11:57,873 --> 00:12:00,497 Well, to be honest, the holidays are a little tough on our family. 303 00:12:00,498 --> 00:12:02,674 My wife and I are trying to work some things out. 304 00:12:02,676 --> 00:12:04,563 - Prostitutes. - Mm-hmm. 305 00:12:04,565 --> 00:12:07,443 So I'm sure that you know why I'm calling, Congressman. 306 00:12:07,445 --> 00:12:09,588 Of course. The salmonella outbreak. 307 00:12:09,589 --> 00:12:11,252 Ma'am, have you considered making a statement? 308 00:12:11,254 --> 00:12:13,429 If I have learned one thing about crisis management, 309 00:12:13,431 --> 00:12:15,991 it's that you've got to get out there and talk to the American people. 310 00:12:15,993 --> 00:12:19,480 If they hear it from you directly, you can get away with just about anything. 311 00:12:19,482 --> 00:12:21,240 Bordello Bill is giving me advice. 312 00:12:21,242 --> 00:12:23,353 Maybe you should declare a state of emergency. 313 00:12:23,355 --> 00:12:26,491 - Are you able to do that? - Yeah, but unfortunately, I have to run. 314 00:12:26,492 --> 00:12:28,987 I hope I can count on your support in the upcoming vote. 315 00:12:28,989 --> 00:12:31,228 Happy Thanksgiving. Bye-bye. Oh, my God. 316 00:12:31,230 --> 00:12:33,053 How many more of these do we have to do? 317 00:12:33,055 --> 00:12:34,718 Okay, we've got Congressman Coffey. 318 00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:37,279 Coffey. Where does he stick his dick? 319 00:12:37,281 --> 00:12:39,520 Here's the statement from Health and Human Services. 320 00:12:39,522 --> 00:12:41,952 Hey, do you guys know a luxurious but super cheap hotel? 321 00:12:41,954 --> 00:12:42,945 Yeah, in the Philippines. 322 00:12:42,946 --> 00:12:44,930 Another 60 cases being reported 323 00:12:44,932 --> 00:12:47,940 including New Hampshire Congressman Harry Sherman. 324 00:12:47,941 --> 00:12:50,180 Jeez, he couldn't eat a turkey unless you put it in a blender 325 00:12:50,182 --> 00:12:51,525 and fed it to him through a straw. 326 00:12:51,527 --> 00:12:53,157 Wait, the turkeys have a hotel room, right? 327 00:12:53,159 --> 00:12:56,006 Yes. We better go see the black-eyed pea. 328 00:12:56,008 --> 00:12:57,926 - Hello? - Big news, babe. 329 00:12:57,928 --> 00:13:00,424 Our surrogate Debralee is a go. 330 00:13:00,426 --> 00:13:02,089 Praise Jesus! Are you kidding me? 331 00:13:02,091 --> 00:13:04,521 We got to celebrate. Afternoon quickie. 332 00:13:04,523 --> 00:13:06,314 Where? In the basement? 333 00:13:06,316 --> 00:13:08,043 Not this time. Big Mike has a surprise. 334 00:13:08,045 --> 00:13:09,740 I got us a suite at the Willard. 335 00:13:09,742 --> 00:13:13,356 I'll text you the... no, I'll sext you the room number. 336 00:13:14,991 --> 00:13:16,270 Any news on Sherman? 337 00:13:16,272 --> 00:13:17,998 CNN and Fox both say he's critical, 338 00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:20,816 but Fox says it with blonder hair and bigger tits. 339 00:13:20,818 --> 00:13:23,281 What is this? Is that lint? 340 00:13:23,283 --> 00:13:26,162 - You got one of those... - Yeah, lint brush. Sure, right here. 341 00:13:30,709 --> 00:13:32,403 That is amazing. 342 00:13:32,405 --> 00:13:34,357 Can I trouble you for another cup of coffee? 343 00:13:34,359 --> 00:13:36,982 - I'm running on fumes. - I'm your man. 344 00:13:38,136 --> 00:13:40,280 And one cream. 345 00:13:40,282 --> 00:13:42,136 Splash of half-and-half. 346 00:13:42,138 --> 00:13:45,113 One sugar and one Splenda. 347 00:13:52,414 --> 00:13:53,821 Fuck me. 348 00:13:53,823 --> 00:13:55,517 Selina: Yes, Congressman, 349 00:13:55,519 --> 00:13:57,598 the vice president is certainly the... 350 00:13:57,600 --> 00:13:59,583 the president that never was. 351 00:13:59,585 --> 00:14:02,368 You know what, actually? I'm gonna have to call you back, Congressman. 352 00:14:02,370 --> 00:14:05,633 Thank you so much. Happy Thanksgiving. Yes. What? 353 00:14:05,635 --> 00:14:07,073 Sherman's dead. 354 00:14:07,075 --> 00:14:08,898 Ow! Oh, my God, that hurts so much. 355 00:14:08,900 --> 00:14:10,727 Please don't surprise me like that again. 356 00:14:10,751 --> 00:14:11,683 We just got word. 357 00:14:11,685 --> 00:14:14,053 Why couldn't he have waited until after the weekend? 358 00:14:14,055 --> 00:14:17,062 Well, in many ways, this could be the best thing that could happen. 359 00:14:17,064 --> 00:14:17,735 Say what, now? 360 00:14:17,759 --> 00:14:19,750 We just lost the oldest member of the House 361 00:14:19,752 --> 00:14:22,599 and our president can't make a statement without a paper bag on her head. 362 00:14:22,601 --> 00:14:25,769 You're missing the big picture. Sherman was an O'Brien diehard. 363 00:14:25,771 --> 00:14:29,290 That's one less vote for O'Brien and possibly one vote for us 364 00:14:29,292 --> 00:14:31,211 if they can hold a special election in time. 365 00:14:31,213 --> 00:14:33,517 New Hampshire could give us the presidency. 366 00:14:33,519 --> 00:14:35,756 If I had known that, I would have killed him myself. 367 00:14:35,758 --> 00:14:37,773 Jonah's Uncle Jeff is flying down. 368 00:14:37,775 --> 00:14:39,951 He's still the kingmaker in New Hampshire. 369 00:14:39,953 --> 00:14:41,944 God, he is such, like, a little man, isn't he? 370 00:14:41,968 --> 00:14:42,607 He is. 371 00:14:42,609 --> 00:14:44,145 - Fuck! - What? 372 00:14:44,147 --> 00:14:46,193 O'Brien is offering condolences to the widow. 373 00:14:46,195 --> 00:14:48,306 We got to get somebody to say something about Sherman. 374 00:14:48,308 --> 00:14:50,387 Not Doyle. Anyone but the veep. 375 00:14:50,389 --> 00:14:52,979 - We got to lance that Doyle. - No promises, ma'am. 376 00:14:52,981 --> 00:14:54,195 - What? - No promises. 377 00:14:54,197 --> 00:14:55,989 Come on. 378 00:14:55,991 --> 00:14:59,414 - What is that? - It's your Thanksgiving meal. 379 00:14:59,416 --> 00:15:02,072 Why are there two place settings? You know Charlie's not coming, right? 380 00:15:02,074 --> 00:15:05,369 I do. That was just for in case you wanted someone to sit with you. 381 00:15:05,371 --> 00:15:08,250 Not to eat, just to talk. 382 00:15:08,252 --> 00:15:09,882 Or be quiet. 383 00:15:09,884 --> 00:15:11,707 - I'm not hungry. - Me neither. 384 00:15:11,709 --> 00:15:14,076 - You again? - Sherman's dead. 385 00:15:14,078 --> 00:15:15,485 We need you to make another statement. 386 00:15:15,487 --> 00:15:18,366 What is dental surgery code for anyway, Ben? 387 00:15:18,368 --> 00:15:20,159 I mean, is it like anal bleaching? 388 00:15:20,161 --> 00:15:22,463 Because if it is, you should just come out and say that 389 00:15:22,465 --> 00:15:25,088 because the American people, they'll accept it in time. 390 00:15:25,090 --> 00:15:27,681 To be honest with you, sir, she's not looking real good. 391 00:15:27,683 --> 00:15:31,170 And I'll be honest with you. I don't think you're being honest about being honest. 392 00:15:31,172 --> 00:15:34,275 So you know what? I want to see the president. 393 00:15:34,277 --> 00:15:36,325 - That won't be necessary. - No more messengers, Ben. 394 00:15:36,327 --> 00:15:37,926 If she wants me to do her bullshit, 395 00:15:37,928 --> 00:15:41,478 she can tell me out of her own shining white asshole. 396 00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:45,544 Today's media-go-round was a tour De force. 397 00:15:45,546 --> 00:15:47,433 More like a waste De time. 398 00:15:47,434 --> 00:15:49,033 Well, maybe you thought I was too busy 399 00:15:49,035 --> 00:15:51,274 sorting through your junk mail folder to realize 400 00:15:51,276 --> 00:15:55,693 you mentioned things like zucchini and Atlantic City and Pfizer, 401 00:15:55,695 --> 00:15:59,341 all clients, of course, of Sidney "Why is That Guy Calling Me" Purcell. 402 00:15:59,342 --> 00:16:02,382 I used a lot of other words, too. 403 00:16:02,384 --> 00:16:06,961 I'm pretty sure I said "be" and also "careful." 404 00:16:08,371 --> 00:16:11,122 I don't know what your endgame is, but I want in. 405 00:16:11,124 --> 00:16:13,522 I will bring you back human ears for a necklace. 406 00:16:13,524 --> 00:16:14,931 I am your guy. 407 00:16:16,214 --> 00:16:19,797 Didn't you have, like, a nervous breakdown? 408 00:16:19,799 --> 00:16:22,070 - You had a nervous breakdown, right? - It was not a breakdown. 409 00:16:22,072 --> 00:16:24,664 It was just more a little bit of psychological indigestion. 410 00:16:24,666 --> 00:16:26,808 You just got back from Nevada and you lost the recount. 411 00:16:26,810 --> 00:16:28,345 It's got to be a pretty stressful time. 412 00:16:28,347 --> 00:16:30,297 Seems to me like you're spinning out. 413 00:16:30,299 --> 00:16:32,858 At least that's what I'm gonna have to tell everyone. 414 00:16:32,860 --> 00:16:34,523 Which would be a shame. 415 00:16:36,382 --> 00:16:38,653 You're right. I don't even know what we were talking about. 416 00:16:38,655 --> 00:16:40,766 We're talking about your mental state, Dan. 417 00:16:43,393 --> 00:16:45,183 Your lips are looking a little dry. 418 00:16:45,185 --> 00:16:47,777 - I just want to see if I have that balm. - Oh, goodie. 419 00:16:47,778 --> 00:16:50,754 Kent: Ben is bringing over Vice President Doyle. 420 00:16:50,756 --> 00:16:52,002 He insisted on seeing you. 421 00:16:52,004 --> 00:16:55,364 Forgive me, but you have to be nice to him. 422 00:16:55,366 --> 00:16:57,188 What? I know that. 423 00:16:57,190 --> 00:16:59,781 Why is everybody always telling me to be nice? 424 00:16:59,783 --> 00:17:02,086 All right? It is... oh, here. 425 00:17:04,009 --> 00:17:07,304 - Jesus Horatio Christ. - Andrew. 426 00:17:07,306 --> 00:17:08,209 Wow. 427 00:17:08,233 --> 00:17:10,922 Needless to say, I did not have root canal. 428 00:17:10,924 --> 00:17:13,835 Thanks, guys. I got it. Come, sit down, please. 429 00:17:13,837 --> 00:17:16,941 Can I just say how much I appreciate 430 00:17:16,943 --> 00:17:19,373 your coming down on your Thanksgiving 431 00:17:19,375 --> 00:17:21,294 and giving it up to come here? Thank you. 432 00:17:21,296 --> 00:17:23,182 Sherman may have been from the other side of the aisle, 433 00:17:23,184 --> 00:17:24,527 but he's a decent guy 434 00:17:24,529 --> 00:17:26,799 even though he still used the word coloreds. 435 00:17:26,801 --> 00:17:28,752 Oh, well, nobody's perfect, right? 436 00:17:28,754 --> 00:17:30,481 You can cut the shit, Selina. 437 00:17:30,483 --> 00:17:32,626 I have barely seen you for two months. 438 00:17:32,628 --> 00:17:34,674 - Well, apologies about that. - Okay. 439 00:17:34,676 --> 00:17:38,227 Listen, I will go out there with my golden boy smile, 440 00:17:38,229 --> 00:17:40,373 - give 'em the Doyle dazzle. - Okay. 441 00:17:40,375 --> 00:17:42,069 But there's something I want in return. 442 00:17:42,071 --> 00:17:44,406 I want to be considered for Secretary of State. 443 00:17:49,435 --> 00:17:51,385 It's the job I've always wanted. 444 00:17:51,387 --> 00:17:54,778 Hughes said that he would give it to me if he won a second term. 445 00:17:54,780 --> 00:17:57,852 And he also said he'd kick you off the ticket. 446 00:17:57,853 --> 00:18:01,630 See, there's that Doyle dazzle and I'm a big fan of it. 447 00:18:03,808 --> 00:18:06,494 Andrew, I'm a woman of my word 448 00:18:06,496 --> 00:18:08,287 and you have my word. 449 00:18:08,289 --> 00:18:09,888 Fair enough. 450 00:18:09,890 --> 00:18:12,225 - Okay, good. All right. - Say, did Ben do this to you? 451 00:18:12,227 --> 00:18:14,434 Because I can get you to a shelter. 452 00:18:14,436 --> 00:18:17,059 - That's so funny. - Seriously, I know he says he loves you, 453 00:18:17,061 --> 00:18:19,524 but if you don't press charges, he's gonna kill you someday. 454 00:18:19,526 --> 00:18:22,917 I love it. Domestic abuse jokes. They just tickle me. 455 00:18:25,096 --> 00:18:28,616 As most of you already know, Congressman Harry Sherman passed away today 456 00:18:28,618 --> 00:18:32,040 in a hospital near his home in his beloved state of New Hampshire. 457 00:18:32,042 --> 00:18:35,467 Hey, I've got something for you guys, something big. 458 00:18:35,469 --> 00:18:38,572 I think Tom is up to something with Sidney Purcell. 459 00:18:38,574 --> 00:18:39,723 Up to what? 460 00:18:39,725 --> 00:18:41,164 At each of today's programs, 461 00:18:41,166 --> 00:18:42,764 he mentioned one of Purcell's clients. 462 00:18:42,766 --> 00:18:45,454 I mean, zucchini, Pfizer, farmed salmon. 463 00:18:45,456 --> 00:18:48,207 - Tom is not that stupid. - There's a clear pattern. 464 00:18:48,209 --> 00:18:50,641 And I noticed it, so I confronted him with the evidence. 465 00:18:50,643 --> 00:18:53,201 - And? - And he said that I was crazy. 466 00:18:53,203 --> 00:18:55,379 - You know what it could be? - What? 467 00:18:55,380 --> 00:18:57,266 That you are fucking crazy. 468 00:18:57,268 --> 00:18:59,604 You were foaming at the mouth during the election. 469 00:18:59,606 --> 00:19:02,261 Tom James. 470 00:19:02,263 --> 00:19:03,797 It was a fucking panic attack. 471 00:19:03,799 --> 00:19:06,582 Tom James. 472 00:19:06,584 --> 00:19:08,184 Goddamn panic attack. 473 00:19:08,186 --> 00:19:10,009 You know it was a fucking panic attack. 474 00:19:10,010 --> 00:19:11,161 Kent: Well done. 475 00:19:11,163 --> 00:19:14,329 Congratulations, Mrs. McLintock. 476 00:19:14,331 --> 00:19:16,987 Listen, baby, I have some giblets simmering 477 00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:20,188 and five really hungry people, so I'm gonna need you to be really quick. 478 00:19:20,189 --> 00:19:22,781 No problem. Fastest gun in DC. 479 00:19:24,767 --> 00:19:26,110 Do you smell something? 480 00:19:26,112 --> 00:19:29,279 No, nothing. Just the whiff of romance. 481 00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:31,189 No, I smell something. You don't smell anything? 482 00:19:31,213 --> 00:19:31,968 Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm. 483 00:19:31,970 --> 00:19:34,464 Amy's dad: So what is this Tom James guy like? 484 00:19:34,466 --> 00:19:36,610 - Is he tall? - I should get back to work. 485 00:19:36,612 --> 00:19:39,076 - The president needs me. - Well, you just got here. 486 00:19:39,078 --> 00:19:41,701 Why don't you tell me about Vegas? Did you two girls have fun? 487 00:19:41,703 --> 00:19:43,589 Well, one of us did, 488 00:19:43,591 --> 00:19:46,406 but what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. 489 00:19:46,408 --> 00:19:49,351 Jesus, for the final time, it was not Vegas! 490 00:19:49,353 --> 00:19:51,592 Amy, please don't swear like that in front of the kids. 491 00:19:51,594 --> 00:19:52,872 I'll get it. 492 00:19:52,874 --> 00:19:54,986 Do not make me call your fathers. 493 00:19:54,988 --> 00:19:57,034 What the fuck? You're not answering your phone? 494 00:19:57,036 --> 00:19:59,371 - My family hid it. - Look, I've got to run something by you. 495 00:19:59,373 --> 00:20:02,092 I fully support your decision to live as an ugly woman. 496 00:20:02,093 --> 00:20:03,629 - Amy's mom: Who's there, honey? - Just Dan. 497 00:20:03,630 --> 00:20:05,196 Oh, good. Bring him in. 498 00:20:05,198 --> 00:20:07,310 - It's Thanksgiving. - Please don't make me. 499 00:20:07,312 --> 00:20:09,455 Jeff: I spoke to the governor. 500 00:20:09,457 --> 00:20:11,055 New Hampshire is gonna hold a special election 501 00:20:11,057 --> 00:20:12,752 for the seat before Christmas. 502 00:20:12,754 --> 00:20:14,673 - But... - Sounds like a big goddamn but. 503 00:20:14,675 --> 00:20:19,347 Oh, yeah, this is a giant, juicy, muscular Serena Williams but. 504 00:20:19,349 --> 00:20:21,683 Sherman's widow is about to announce 505 00:20:21,685 --> 00:20:23,124 that she is running for the seat. 506 00:20:23,126 --> 00:20:25,237 I have recurring nightmares 507 00:20:25,239 --> 00:20:26,870 about running against widows. 508 00:20:26,872 --> 00:20:28,470 We've got a list of vetted names here. 509 00:20:28,472 --> 00:20:30,263 Great, why don't you send them right over to me? 510 00:20:30,264 --> 00:20:32,120 - I'm running low on toilet paper. - Excuse me? 511 00:20:32,122 --> 00:20:35,289 You don't give me names, Beardo. I give you names. 512 00:20:35,291 --> 00:20:37,369 So take your list, roll it up real tiny, 513 00:20:37,371 --> 00:20:39,163 attach it to the leg of a carrier pigeon, 514 00:20:39,164 --> 00:20:40,699 and have it fly up tubby's dick. 515 00:20:40,701 --> 00:20:42,108 So who's your choice? 516 00:20:42,110 --> 00:20:44,092 You know I'm grooming my nephew Ezra. 517 00:20:44,094 --> 00:20:45,789 Heard a lot of great things about Ezra. 518 00:20:45,791 --> 00:20:48,414 Brilliant, handsome, wife's a solid eight. 519 00:20:48,416 --> 00:20:50,110 After kids, probably still be a seven. 520 00:20:50,112 --> 00:20:52,831 Mark my words, he will be president someday. 521 00:20:52,833 --> 00:20:55,969 But Ezra's currently serving in Afghanistan. 522 00:20:55,971 --> 00:20:58,787 Besides, for anyone to beat the widow, they're gonna have to fight dirty 523 00:20:58,789 --> 00:21:00,802 - and I don't shit where I eat. - Well, me neither, 524 00:21:00,804 --> 00:21:03,141 not since my wife caught me eating yogurt on the crapper. 525 00:21:03,143 --> 00:21:05,637 We need a real piece of cannon fodder here, 526 00:21:05,639 --> 00:21:07,557 some spectacular dumbass 527 00:21:07,559 --> 00:21:09,670 willing to charge this machine gun nest, 528 00:21:09,672 --> 00:21:11,655 sacrifice his name and reputation, 529 00:21:11,657 --> 00:21:13,960 and then fuck off so Ezra can slide right in. 530 00:21:13,962 --> 00:21:17,289 So do you have a list of spectacular dumbasses? 531 00:21:17,291 --> 00:21:19,883 There's only one name on it. 532 00:21:19,884 --> 00:21:22,123 For my family back in Connecticut, we ditched the turkey. 533 00:21:22,125 --> 00:21:24,140 That's because I have a special recipe 534 00:21:24,142 --> 00:21:26,221 for farmed salmon with a side of zucchini. 535 00:21:26,223 --> 00:21:28,462 - See? They're both clients. - Well, what does it mean? 536 00:21:28,464 --> 00:21:31,119 - I don't know. - He doesn't know. Why would he know? 537 00:21:31,121 --> 00:21:34,768 So for dessert, there's apple and pecan pie. What would you like? 538 00:21:34,770 --> 00:21:36,817 You know, I would love a little bit of both. 539 00:21:36,819 --> 00:21:38,801 Oh, you want both, do you? 540 00:21:38,803 --> 00:21:39,691 Yeah, why not? 541 00:21:39,715 --> 00:21:42,354 I'll tell you why not, you shit sack Casanova. 542 00:21:42,356 --> 00:21:44,532 You have had sex with both of my daughters. 543 00:21:44,534 --> 00:21:47,701 I mean, have you no shame? Wait a minute, sweetie, I just figured it out. 544 00:21:47,703 --> 00:21:50,134 You know what it is? You want to fuck my wife, too, don't you? 545 00:21:50,136 --> 00:21:52,343 - Good night, Brookheimers. - Bye, Dan. 546 00:21:52,345 --> 00:21:53,848 - Sorry. 547 00:21:53,850 --> 00:21:57,113 Mrs. Ryan, these old Thanksgiving photos are priceless. 548 00:21:57,115 --> 00:22:00,250 - Oh. - Wow, that is some overbite. 549 00:22:00,252 --> 00:22:01,434 It's like a wererabbit. 550 00:22:01,436 --> 00:22:02,907 Well, I was advanced for my age. 551 00:22:02,909 --> 00:22:04,604 I had all my adult teeth by age four. 552 00:22:04,606 --> 00:22:06,717 I didn't know children still wore leashes at this age. 553 00:22:06,719 --> 00:22:08,542 - Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. - Okay, Jeff. 554 00:22:08,544 --> 00:22:10,847 I should tell you that there's not enough white meat to go around. 555 00:22:10,849 --> 00:22:12,575 - I don't want a repeat of '79. - Whatever. 556 00:22:12,577 --> 00:22:15,200 Listen, the reason I'm here... now that Sherman is dead, 557 00:22:15,202 --> 00:22:19,010 there is going to be a special election back home for the seat and... 558 00:22:19,012 --> 00:22:23,235 Oh, you want me to canvass for Cousin Ezra the war hero? 559 00:22:23,237 --> 00:22:25,636 No, I want you to run. 560 00:22:26,759 --> 00:22:28,613 You want me to run his campaign? 561 00:22:28,615 --> 00:22:32,422 No, Jonah, I want you to run for the seat. 562 00:22:42,220 --> 00:22:43,691 Joni? 563 00:22:43,693 --> 00:22:46,892 Dear Lord who guides me and nourishes me, 564 00:22:46,894 --> 00:22:49,645 I set foot on this path that you have laid before me 565 00:22:49,647 --> 00:22:52,046 with a strong arm and a willing heart 566 00:22:52,048 --> 00:22:54,799 to totally rock this shit. Amen. 567 00:22:56,178 --> 00:22:58,769 The Jonah Ryan story, chapter five. 568 00:22:58,771 --> 00:23:01,362 The House kneels before the fucking J-man. 569 00:23:01,364 --> 00:23:02,769 I'm running for Congress! 570 00:23:02,771 --> 00:23:04,211 Oh, my God, that's great. 571 00:23:04,213 --> 00:23:06,036 Actual Congress or some fantasy league Congress? 572 00:23:06,037 --> 00:23:07,412 Of course, up against the Widow Sherman, 573 00:23:07,414 --> 00:23:08,884 it's gonna be like climbing Mt. McKinley 574 00:23:08,886 --> 00:23:10,613 with your balls stapled to a piano. 575 00:23:10,615 --> 00:23:12,534 She's got my vote, bless her heart. 576 00:23:12,536 --> 00:23:14,583 Ain't a challenge been invented Jonah Ryan can't do. 577 00:23:14,585 --> 00:23:15,992 Ice bucket challenge. You backed out of that. 578 00:23:15,994 --> 00:23:17,752 Ice bucket challenge can suck my dick. 579 00:23:17,754 --> 00:23:19,961 Well, it did raise a lot of awareness for whatever ALS is. 580 00:23:19,963 --> 00:23:22,362 - Who is this man? - Richard Splett. 581 00:23:22,364 --> 00:23:23,931 - Splett? - Splett. 582 00:23:23,933 --> 00:23:26,491 Yeah, okay. This is just for one term here, Jonah. 583 00:23:26,493 --> 00:23:29,852 You're merely acting as a placeholder for Ezra. 584 00:23:29,854 --> 00:23:31,390 Once I'm in, I'm in. 585 00:23:31,392 --> 00:23:33,662 I went to the White House on a three-week placement. 586 00:23:33,663 --> 00:23:36,511 I'm a MRSA infection. You don't get rid of Jonah Ryan. 587 00:23:36,513 --> 00:23:39,937 Listen to me, all right? I'm not asking you, I am telling you. 588 00:23:39,938 --> 00:23:43,266 Yeah, but it's not my fault if Cousin Lezra ends up eating my nut dust 589 00:23:43,268 --> 00:23:46,532 and becoming the goofy Paul Simon to my angelic-voiced Art Garfunkel. 590 00:23:46,534 --> 00:23:48,502 Can I talk to you down here just a minute? 591 00:23:48,526 --> 00:23:49,157 Yeah. 592 00:23:49,159 --> 00:23:51,013 Now listen to me, you walking trisomy. 593 00:23:51,015 --> 00:23:53,861 I could get dog shit in a condom elected in New Hampshire. 594 00:23:53,863 --> 00:23:56,360 You are my puppet. I'd let you dance. 595 00:23:56,362 --> 00:23:59,304 And when I stuff you back in the toy box to let Ezra lead, 596 00:23:59,306 --> 00:24:02,858 you will be grateful I ever let your wooden painted face take the stage. 597 00:24:02,860 --> 00:24:05,611 Now, do you or do you not understand me?! 598 00:24:05,613 --> 00:24:08,684 - Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir. - Yeah. 599 00:24:08,686 --> 00:24:10,252 - Jeff. Jeff. - Hey, leave it. 600 00:24:10,254 --> 00:24:12,109 I don't want you screaming at Joni. 601 00:24:12,110 --> 00:24:14,798 Congratulations, sir. May I be the first to join your campaign? 602 00:24:14,800 --> 00:24:17,584 - Absolutely, chief of staff. - Please let me earn it. 603 00:24:17,586 --> 00:24:19,120 There will be a vetting process. 604 00:24:22,451 --> 00:24:26,131 Okay, I'll just take a few questions first, then I'll bring you up again, okay? 605 00:24:26,133 --> 00:24:27,315 - All right. - Okay. 606 00:24:27,317 --> 00:24:29,172 Oh, hey, is it possible to get salmonella 607 00:24:29,174 --> 00:24:32,117 if you were to make love in a turkey's bed? 608 00:24:32,119 --> 00:24:33,023 I'm sorry? 609 00:24:33,047 --> 00:24:35,735 I should add the turkeys were no longer there. 610 00:24:35,737 --> 00:24:37,784 Never mind. I'll be back. 611 00:24:37,786 --> 00:24:40,888 - Mike! Mike! Mike! - You wanted to see me, ma'am? 612 00:24:40,890 --> 00:24:42,905 How'd it go with the New Hampshire Napoleon? 613 00:24:42,907 --> 00:24:45,658 - He's got a lot of ideas. - Yeah? Good. 614 00:24:45,660 --> 00:24:47,579 Oh, my God. Would you look at this? 615 00:24:47,581 --> 00:24:49,981 Reporter: Mike, why won't she give a statement? 616 00:24:49,983 --> 00:24:51,933 Somewhere in the world there's a woman exactly my age 617 00:24:51,935 --> 00:24:54,366 getting her pussy eaten and I'm stuck here watching this. 618 00:24:54,367 --> 00:24:56,030 God, I've got to get out there. 619 00:25:00,386 --> 00:25:03,297 When Admiral Burger first suggested this trip, 620 00:25:03,299 --> 00:25:05,698 it seemed like a very small sacrifice 621 00:25:05,700 --> 00:25:07,843 to forgo a traditional Thanksgiving 622 00:25:07,845 --> 00:25:10,212 with my beloved daughter Catherine 623 00:25:10,214 --> 00:25:11,877 and travel here to be with 624 00:25:11,879 --> 00:25:15,013 our brave sailors and Marines. 625 00:25:15,015 --> 00:25:17,511 Ooh-rah! 626 00:25:17,513 --> 00:25:18,984 And, ladies and gentlemen of the press, 627 00:25:18,986 --> 00:25:20,809 I want to thank you for your understanding 628 00:25:20,810 --> 00:25:23,305 as to the secrecy of this trip 629 00:25:23,307 --> 00:25:26,699 and why I've had to be incommunicado for the last few days. 630 00:25:26,701 --> 00:25:30,667 I also want to take this opportunity to introduce Congressman Bill Jaeger 631 00:25:30,669 --> 00:25:33,389 from the first district in the great state of Wisconsin. 632 00:25:33,391 --> 00:25:35,887 - They're ready for you, ma'am. - How was your Thanksgiving, Marjorie? 633 00:25:35,889 --> 00:25:38,703 - It was nice, ma'am. - Where were you? 634 00:25:38,705 --> 00:25:41,584 - Maryland, ma'am. - Oh, that's where I'm from. 635 00:25:41,586 --> 00:25:43,281 I know, ma'am. 636 00:25:43,283 --> 00:25:45,201 Okay. 637 00:25:45,203 --> 00:25:46,930 - What? - What just happened? 638 00:25:46,932 --> 00:25:49,491 - I can't even look at her. - Yeah. 639 00:25:49,493 --> 00:25:51,892 All right, who's ready for some piping hot tofurkey? 640 00:25:51,894 --> 00:25:52,663 Where are the tongs? 641 00:25:52,687 --> 00:25:54,933 Ma'am, I'll be happy to hold your sunglasses for you. 642 00:25:54,935 --> 00:25:56,247 Oh, no, no, I'm good. 643 00:25:56,249 --> 00:25:58,903 That's tofurkey. It's made from... 644 00:25:58,905 --> 00:26:01,976 - Wheat, protein, organic tofu. - ...wheat, protein, and organic tofu. 645 00:26:01,978 --> 00:26:04,057 - There you go. - We're gonna have a mutiny. 646 00:26:04,059 --> 00:26:07,290 We're gonna have a mut... let's get some meat on your bones. 647 00:26:07,292 --> 00:26:08,795 Or we'll put this on your bones. 648 00:26:08,797 --> 00:26:10,524 - We just got a text from Ben. - Okay. 649 00:26:10,525 --> 00:26:12,156 He said your trip is playing really well. 650 00:26:12,158 --> 00:26:13,694 - Keep waving the flag. - Great. 651 00:26:13,696 --> 00:26:16,541 And Jonah's running for Congress in New Hampshire. 652 00:26:16,543 --> 00:26:17,950 What? 653 00:26:17,952 --> 00:26:20,223 What? 654 00:26:20,225 --> 00:26:21,823 What is that? 655 00:26:21,825 --> 00:26:24,289 - Oh, my God. Ah! - Oh. 656 00:26:27,044 --> 00:26:30,020 - Here. - Thank you. 657 00:26:30,022 --> 00:26:32,196 Just... shit. 658 00:26:32,198 --> 00:26:34,565 I bet you there's about 20 pieces of corn in here. 659 00:26:34,567 --> 00:26:37,285 Could be more. Probably fit a lot of corn in there. 660 00:26:38,280 --> 00:26:40,103 Oh, my God. 661 00:26:40,105 --> 00:26:43,401 What the fuck is going... here.