1
00:00:05,218 --> 00:00:08,020
Congresswoman Nickerson,
I just want you to know
2
00:00:08,021 --> 00:00:09,588
that I won't forget my
friends in Congress.
3
00:00:09,589 --> 00:00:11,156
These are fabulous.
4
00:00:11,157 --> 00:00:13,158
- Wow.
- Her people say she wants the mug.
5
00:00:13,159 --> 00:00:17,395
Would you like to keep the
mugs for your... minivan?
6
00:00:17,396 --> 00:00:19,063
How did you know I have a minivan?
7
00:00:19,064 --> 00:00:21,732
Just a good guess.
8
00:00:21,733 --> 00:00:25,236
Before I ran for Congress, I was
a stay-at-home mother of six.
9
00:00:25,237 --> 00:00:27,237
Ugh, yeah.
10
00:00:27,238 --> 00:00:30,440
I tell you, if I could not get there
in a minivan, then I wasn't going.
11
00:00:30,441 --> 00:00:32,375
- Right.
- You know the drill.
12
00:00:32,376 --> 00:00:33,877
Indeed I do, yeah.
13
00:00:33,878 --> 00:00:36,011
I mean, my license
expired a few years ago,
14
00:00:36,012 --> 00:00:37,746
but I get the general idea.
15
00:00:37,747 --> 00:00:39,281
So, Penny. Penny.
16
00:00:39,282 --> 00:00:43,985
We want to reauthorize the
amphibious fighting boat
17
00:00:43,986 --> 00:00:48,556
and have them built in your district.
18
00:00:48,557 --> 00:00:52,393
I saw a blanket out front that
said Air Force One on it.
19
00:00:52,394 --> 00:00:53,794
It looks really beautiful.
20
00:00:53,795 --> 00:00:55,462
Let's get one of our care packages
21
00:00:55,463 --> 00:00:57,397
and then we can throw one
of those blankets in there.
22
00:00:57,398 --> 00:00:59,066
- With the throw pillows?
- Yeah.
23
00:00:59,067 --> 00:01:01,135
So what do you think? Can
I count on your support?
24
00:01:01,136 --> 00:01:02,835
Okey-dokey, Annie Oakley.
25
00:01:02,836 --> 00:01:05,605
Bless your pea-picking heart.
26
00:01:05,606 --> 00:01:07,907
Would you like to call
someone from Air Force One?
27
00:01:07,908 --> 00:01:10,376
- That usually freaks people out.
- Oh, my gosh.
28
00:01:10,377 --> 00:01:12,210
My Donald. He has chemo today.
29
00:01:12,211 --> 00:01:13,712
Fantastic.
30
00:01:25,357 --> 00:01:28,559
Let me tell you something
else about Selina Meyer,
31
00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:30,260
our commander-in-thief.
32
00:01:30,261 --> 00:01:32,829
Check out the tits in the third row.
33
00:01:32,830 --> 00:01:36,332
I could dribble those
things like basketballs.
34
00:01:36,333 --> 00:01:38,167
She has destroyed the economy,
35
00:01:38,168 --> 00:01:39,935
made a mess of the Middle East,
36
00:01:39,936 --> 00:01:41,570
she ruined Thanksgiving,
37
00:01:41,571 --> 00:01:44,339
and that's all in just
10 months in office.
38
00:01:44,340 --> 00:01:46,707
Kent says Jonah's up
another five points.
39
00:01:46,708 --> 00:01:49,877
- Wait, what?
- We're gonna win in Nashua.
40
00:01:49,878 --> 00:01:52,947
And we're gonna win in
Peterborough and Keene
41
00:01:52,948 --> 00:01:56,149
and Brattleboro, yeah!
42
00:01:56,150 --> 00:01:59,019
My name is Jonah Ryan and I...
43
00:01:59,020 --> 00:02:01,354
Won't back down!
44
00:02:03,324 --> 00:02:06,091
- Mike! Mike! Mike!
- Uh, Jim. Jim.
45
00:02:06,092 --> 00:02:09,195
Mike, the navy doesn't even want the
amphibious fighting boat anymore.
46
00:02:09,196 --> 00:02:11,230
Is it a coincidence that the plant
47
00:02:11,231 --> 00:02:14,132
that builds it is in Congresswoman
Nickerson's district?
48
00:02:14,133 --> 00:02:17,802
Jim, if our nation's enemies decide
to drop the puck on hostilities,
49
00:02:17,803 --> 00:02:20,071
then our navy and our
allies will be very glad
50
00:02:20,072 --> 00:02:22,106
we have the military
capabilities we need.
51
00:02:22,107 --> 00:02:25,375
- Drop the puck?
- Common hockey term. Uh, Donna.
52
00:02:25,376 --> 00:02:27,978
Mike, question about the
president's daughter Catherine.
53
00:02:27,979 --> 00:02:29,613
- Is it true that...
- Oh, I just heard the buzzer.
54
00:02:29,614 --> 00:02:31,348
That is the end of the third period.
55
00:02:31,349 --> 00:02:33,349
- See you at the next face-off.
- Mike! Mike!
56
00:02:33,350 --> 00:02:34,884
You know, with Nickerson's support,
57
00:02:34,885 --> 00:02:36,719
that clinches Colorado
for us four to three.
58
00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:38,321
That doesn't look like Santa.
59
00:02:38,322 --> 00:02:40,089
The White House officially
celebrates Diwali,
60
00:02:40,090 --> 00:02:41,423
Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa
61
00:02:41,424 --> 00:02:42,958
- and Mawlid al-Nabi...
- I know.
62
00:02:42,959 --> 00:02:45,126
...the alleged birth date
of the prophet Muhammad.
63
00:02:45,127 --> 00:02:47,662
Well, I suppose putting a few pictures
up of Muhammad never hurt anyone.
64
00:02:47,663 --> 00:02:50,397
Ma'am, I'm getting a lot of
press interest about Catherine
65
00:02:50,398 --> 00:02:52,499
- and, you know, her condition.
- What?
66
00:02:52,500 --> 00:02:54,768
She's a lesbian, Mike.
She's not a werewolf.
67
00:02:54,769 --> 00:02:57,538
Although either one would explain
why she never shaves her legs.
68
00:02:57,539 --> 00:02:58,905
- Anything else?
- Yeah.
69
00:02:58,906 --> 00:03:01,708
"The Hill's" 50 Hottest
Staffers list is out.
70
00:03:01,709 --> 00:03:04,811
When does the White House's most
useless press secretary list come out?
71
00:03:04,812 --> 00:03:06,346
I can't wait to see who's
number one this year.
72
00:03:06,347 --> 00:03:08,513
- I voted for Mike.
- I hate that thing.
73
00:03:08,514 --> 00:03:11,817
Every year it means a month of horny
Senate aides looking down my blouse.
74
00:03:11,818 --> 00:03:13,719
Also, their
methodology is unsound.
75
00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:15,254
I don't think you're
in it this year, Ame.
76
00:03:15,255 --> 00:03:16,654
There you go, Amy. Problem solved.
77
00:03:16,655 --> 00:03:18,522
Oh, my God, Candi Caruso ranked 17.
78
00:03:18,523 --> 00:03:21,392
Look at this picture.
No way, look who's 21.
79
00:03:21,393 --> 00:03:23,194
- Gary.
- What?
80
00:03:23,195 --> 00:03:24,929
Who's 22? The Elephant Man?
81
00:03:24,930 --> 00:03:26,830
Oh, my God.
82
00:03:26,831 --> 00:03:28,665
- Hey, 21.
- Hmm.
83
00:03:28,666 --> 00:03:30,967
Rose hip tea, okay? Or I'm gonna 86 you.
84
00:03:31,710 --> 00:03:33,937
Just got an endorsement
from the "Courier."
85
00:03:33,938 --> 00:03:36,705
The emails from Tom Petty's lawyers
keep on getting angrier and angrier.
86
00:03:36,706 --> 00:03:39,908
How am I not on "The Hill's" 50
Hottest Staffers list this year?
87
00:03:39,909 --> 00:03:42,044
This year? It's the 50
Hottest Staffers, Jonah,
88
00:03:42,045 --> 00:03:44,712
not the 50 people most likely to
kill themselves before trial.
89
00:03:44,713 --> 00:03:47,882
I am on a career rocket ship
to Mars right now, Dan,
90
00:03:47,883 --> 00:03:50,752
except I'm gonna leave Matt Damon
there because the guy made potatoes
91
00:03:50,753 --> 00:03:52,819
in his own shit like a fucking animal.
92
00:03:52,820 --> 00:03:55,889
The whole point of the 50
Hottest is not to be on it.
93
00:03:55,890 --> 00:03:58,358
- You're number 26, Mr. Egan.
- Yeah, five years in a row now.
94
00:03:58,359 --> 00:04:00,460
It's to use it to learn who to fuck.
95
00:04:00,461 --> 00:04:01,035
Who?
96
00:04:01,036 --> 00:04:02,762
Find a woman who was on it
last year, but not this year.
97
00:04:02,763 --> 00:04:05,302
I mean, that's like a "make
her pay for dinner" situation.
98
00:04:05,303 --> 00:04:06,232
Does that work?
99
00:04:06,233 --> 00:04:09,468
If you don't look like someone melted
Play-Doh all over a flagpole, it does.
100
00:04:09,469 --> 00:04:13,672
Wow, you're a fantastic
campaign manager.
101
00:04:13,673 --> 00:04:16,141
Yeah. Fucking Gary's number 21?
102
00:04:16,142 --> 00:04:20,411
What? Well, that just makes a mockery
of the very idea of hot rankings.
103
00:04:20,412 --> 00:04:22,546
Well, it makes sense.
He's got beautiful eyes.
104
00:04:22,547 --> 00:04:24,381
- There they are.
- Madam President.
105
00:04:24,382 --> 00:04:26,250
- Hello, gentlemen.
- Children.
106
00:04:26,251 --> 00:04:27,951
All right, let's get to this.
Let's make it quick.
107
00:04:27,952 --> 00:04:29,852
Roger, you want to walk us
through the drill right now?
108
00:04:29,853 --> 00:04:32,055
And would you please, please
try and keep it clean?
109
00:04:32,056 --> 00:04:34,824
Madam President, tomorrow night
is the president's annual
110
00:04:34,825 --> 00:04:37,360
holiday party for congressional
members and their families.
111
00:04:37,361 --> 00:04:39,294
Ma'am, you'll need to make
the initial approach.
112
00:04:39,295 --> 00:04:40,929
Ben will keep the offer straight.
113
00:04:40,930 --> 00:04:42,597
Kent will keep a running tally.
114
00:04:42,598 --> 00:04:44,866
Tom, you'll be in charge
of putting out any fires.
115
00:04:44,867 --> 00:04:46,934
And once you're all done
with them, I'll move in
116
00:04:46,935 --> 00:04:49,103
and squirt a half gallon of ropey jism
117
00:04:49,104 --> 00:04:51,572
into their modeled
congressional cornholes.
118
00:04:51,573 --> 00:04:56,009
Oh, you made it so far and
then you just...
119
00:04:56,010 --> 00:04:58,878
Tom, do you have anything
that you would like to add?
120
00:04:58,879 --> 00:05:01,915
No, Roger took my thing
about ropey jism.
121
00:05:01,916 --> 00:05:04,450
- Right.
- Thank you, Madam President.
122
00:05:04,451 --> 00:05:06,826
And I will see you
tomorrow night, right, Tom?
123
00:05:06,827 --> 00:05:07,753
Indeed, yes.
124
00:05:07,754 --> 00:05:09,187
Okay.
125
00:05:12,592 --> 00:05:14,425
What's up?
126
00:05:14,426 --> 00:05:17,261
Dirty. Just dirty and shady.
127
00:05:17,262 --> 00:05:19,096
Door. Door.
128
00:05:20,733 --> 00:05:22,332
So?
129
00:05:22,333 --> 00:05:24,501
What the fuck is Tom up to?
130
00:05:24,502 --> 00:05:26,970
Why was he meeting with Purcell
at a Korean barbecue place?
131
00:05:26,971 --> 00:05:29,940
- Marwood is the opposition.
- You think Tom is helping O'Brien?
132
00:05:29,941 --> 00:05:33,175
But what could O'Brien offer him that's
better than the vice presidency?
133
00:05:33,176 --> 00:05:34,710
Literally anything.
134
00:05:34,711 --> 00:05:38,214
Oh! Tom wanted Secretary
of the Treasury.
135
00:05:38,215 --> 00:05:40,782
I said no. Ah, fuck!
136
00:05:40,783 --> 00:05:43,284
Ma'am, you just have to keep
nailing down those votes.
137
00:05:43,285 --> 00:05:45,353
All right? 26 votes and it's over.
138
00:05:45,354 --> 00:05:48,623
Okay, guys, we got to keep an
eye on Tom tomorrow night.
139
00:05:48,624 --> 00:05:50,590
- Really.
- Yes, ma'am.
140
00:06:01,034 --> 00:06:03,636
- Yes?
- I was just checking
141
00:06:03,637 --> 00:06:05,904
to see if there was
another meeting about me.
142
00:06:07,074 --> 00:06:08,272
Not today.
143
00:06:10,243 --> 00:06:12,310
All right, the next
question is for Mr. Ryan.
144
00:06:12,311 --> 00:06:14,479
Would you vote to raise
the debt ceiling?
145
00:06:14,480 --> 00:06:16,814
Well, as the late, great
Lionel Richie once said,
146
00:06:16,815 --> 00:06:20,418
"Oh, what a feeling, I am
dancing on the debt ceiling."
147
00:06:20,419 --> 00:06:22,920
OKAY, A: Lionel Richie is not dead,
148
00:06:22,921 --> 00:06:25,089
what the fuck
does that even mean?
149
00:06:25,090 --> 00:06:26,556
New Hampshire loves my zingers.
150
00:06:26,557 --> 00:06:29,292
It's my personality that
has gotten us this far.
151
00:06:29,293 --> 00:06:32,495
No, I am the one who got us this far,
152
00:06:32,496 --> 00:06:34,097
you sentient enema.
153
00:06:34,098 --> 00:06:35,597
All right, Mrs. Sherman, same question.
154
00:06:35,598 --> 00:06:37,733
I hereby solemnly promise to never vote
155
00:06:37,734 --> 00:06:40,235
to raise the debt ceiling
without budgetary offsets.
156
00:06:40,236 --> 00:06:42,371
Lord knows I stick to my
grocery budget every week.
157
00:06:42,372 --> 00:06:44,605
Mother Mary dry humping a pillow.
158
00:06:44,606 --> 00:06:46,307
That is what I call natural talent.
159
00:06:46,308 --> 00:06:48,242
- What was your name again?
- Judy Sherman.
160
00:06:48,243 --> 00:06:50,845
Oh, come on, Richard's only
winning because he gets to be
161
00:06:50,846 --> 00:06:52,646
the easier person and I have to be me.
162
00:06:52,647 --> 00:06:54,514
All right, Judy, pretend to be Jonah.
163
00:06:54,515 --> 00:06:56,750
Richard's not gonna get the
subtleties of being...
164
00:06:56,751 --> 00:07:00,086
Just shut the fuck up and move!
165
00:07:00,087 --> 00:07:03,355
I'd have to agree with Mrs. Sherman
here on fiscal responsibility.
166
00:07:03,356 --> 00:07:07,960
In fact, teacher, allow me to
present you with this apple.
167
00:07:07,961 --> 00:07:11,296
Feel my dick. I am rock-hard
for you right now, mister.
168
00:07:11,297 --> 00:07:12,564
You think I'm kidding. Feel it.
169
00:07:12,565 --> 00:07:14,532
- Shit.
- What?
170
00:07:14,533 --> 00:07:17,235
Local news stations are running
footage from the rally.
171
00:07:17,236 --> 00:07:19,403
- You said Brattleboro.
- So?
172
00:07:19,404 --> 00:07:21,977
So Brattleboro just
happens to be in Vermont.
173
00:07:21,978 --> 00:07:22,940
Since when?
174
00:07:22,941 --> 00:07:26,743
Granted, every town up here is just two dirty
piles of snow connected by a covered bridge,
175
00:07:26,744 --> 00:07:29,779
but Jesus Christ, Jonah, you grew up
here. How do you not know this shit?
176
00:07:29,780 --> 00:07:32,148
I don't know. Maybe I was supposed
to learn it in the second grade,
177
00:07:32,149 --> 00:07:33,783
but my teacher was a fucking bitch.
178
00:07:33,784 --> 00:07:35,284
Jonah, watch your language.
179
00:07:35,285 --> 00:07:37,385
Well, obviously Ericsson
had trackers at the event.
180
00:07:37,386 --> 00:07:39,136
Richard, who do we
have tracking the widow?
181
00:07:39,137 --> 00:07:39,788
Nobody.
182
00:07:39,789 --> 00:07:44,359
Then go out there and buy a camera
and videotape everything she does.
183
00:07:44,360 --> 00:07:46,794
- Do you want 4k or 1080p?
- Just buy any fucking camera.
184
00:07:46,795 --> 00:07:48,662
- Okay, I'm going.
- You and I have to talk.
185
00:07:48,663 --> 00:07:50,931
If you were like 10% less black,
186
00:07:50,932 --> 00:07:52,933
- I could make you president.
- Thank you.
187
00:07:54,636 --> 00:07:57,337
No. No. No. That's... get it out.
188
00:07:57,338 --> 00:08:00,740
We talked about this. The wife of
Congressman Platt designed it.
189
00:08:00,741 --> 00:08:02,542
Does she know I'm not
the president of Cuba?
190
00:08:02,543 --> 00:08:05,577
Did you tell her that?
Are you wearing cologne?
191
00:08:05,578 --> 00:08:07,312
A little.
192
00:08:07,313 --> 00:08:09,948
Smells like birdseed.
193
00:08:09,949 --> 00:08:12,417
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, darling.
194
00:08:12,418 --> 00:08:15,520
Hi, Marjorie. Don't you look...
195
00:08:15,521 --> 00:08:17,522
- Strapping.
- ...strapping.
196
00:08:17,523 --> 00:08:18,294
Thank you, ma'am.
197
00:08:18,295 --> 00:08:20,525
What's happening with
these tentacles here?
198
00:08:20,526 --> 00:08:23,760
Are they gonna get put
away or something?
199
00:08:23,761 --> 00:08:26,630
I have a question. I
need to know how you...
200
00:08:26,631 --> 00:08:29,332
gals want to play the whole gay thing.
201
00:08:29,333 --> 00:08:30,411
I'm sorry, I don't know...
202
00:08:30,412 --> 00:08:32,434
Mike has been getting
a bunch of questions
203
00:08:32,435 --> 00:08:34,970
and interview requests and, you
know, et cetera, et cetera.
204
00:08:34,971 --> 00:08:37,206
And I just don't know how
you want to handle that.
205
00:08:37,207 --> 00:08:40,909
Do you want to just play it like Ellen or
do you want to be more like Jodie Foster?
206
00:08:40,910 --> 00:08:43,011
Do you want to play it
more like a mystery?
207
00:08:43,012 --> 00:08:47,549
Uh, I think that we were kind of hoping
that we could keep things on the down-low.
208
00:08:47,550 --> 00:08:49,683
Okay, can you just speak
English, Catherine?
209
00:08:49,684 --> 00:08:51,218
'Cause I don't know what
you're trying to say.
210
00:08:51,219 --> 00:08:53,120
Madam President, if it's
all the same to you,
211
00:08:53,121 --> 00:08:56,056
we don't want our private
life to be politicized.
212
00:08:56,057 --> 00:08:58,758
Okay. I get that. I respect that.
213
00:08:58,759 --> 00:09:00,526
We'll keep it under the gaydar.
214
00:09:00,527 --> 00:09:02,794
- Thank you.
- So, great. I'll tell Mike.
215
00:09:04,531 --> 00:09:06,365
- Ladies and gentlemen...
- Here, take it.
216
00:09:06,366 --> 00:09:08,433
- ...the President of the United States.
- Thank you.
217
00:09:08,434 --> 00:09:11,169
Thank... would
you listen to this?
218
00:09:11,170 --> 00:09:14,072
Who doesn't love a cappella, right?
219
00:09:14,073 --> 00:09:17,808
It's like a magic trick 'cause there
are no instruments, of course.
220
00:09:17,809 --> 00:09:20,477
Madam President, Tom James, 8:00.
221
00:09:20,478 --> 00:09:22,445
Okay.
222
00:09:24,616 --> 00:09:27,584
You mean 11:00? Over there?
223
00:09:27,585 --> 00:09:30,086
Seriously, can you really not tell time?
224
00:09:30,087 --> 00:09:32,555
Sorry, ma'am, I just
thought it meant close.
225
00:09:32,556 --> 00:09:33,756
- Ma'am?
- Yes.
226
00:09:33,757 --> 00:09:34,957
The fluffers have done their work.
227
00:09:34,958 --> 00:09:36,358
It's time for the orgy to begin.
228
00:09:36,359 --> 00:09:38,293
Okay, let's get that done.
229
00:09:38,294 --> 00:09:41,363
Oh, look, Catherine. You fixed
that there, didn't you?
230
00:09:41,364 --> 00:09:42,263
Yeah.
231
00:09:42,264 --> 00:09:44,966
Except it's still just a
rat's nest in the back.
232
00:09:44,967 --> 00:09:47,802
It needs to pull... maybe
you can help her, Marjorie.
233
00:09:47,803 --> 00:09:49,470
Just pull it back, sweetheart.
234
00:09:49,471 --> 00:09:52,105
Oh, all my friends are here.
235
00:09:52,106 --> 00:09:54,174
- Madam President, hello.
- Merry Christmas.
236
00:09:54,175 --> 00:09:56,610
- Thank you so much for having us.
- Hello, Congressman Jaeger.
237
00:09:56,611 --> 00:09:58,878
- And this must be Mrs. Jaeger?
- That's not his wife.
238
00:09:58,879 --> 00:10:00,879
- Okay.
- This is one of my staffers, Nadia.
239
00:10:00,880 --> 00:10:02,848
- She's a prostitute.
- Hmm.
240
00:10:02,849 --> 00:10:06,685
Well, would you like a picture for
your friends and for your family?
241
00:10:06,686 --> 00:10:08,387
- Yes...
- We've got a...
242
00:10:08,388 --> 00:10:10,555
There we go. No.
243
00:10:10,556 --> 00:10:12,757
And I want to wish you
a merry Christmas.
244
00:10:12,758 --> 00:10:14,284
And I can count on
your support, can't I?
245
00:10:14,285 --> 00:10:15,326
100%. Merry Christmas.
246
00:10:15,327 --> 00:10:16,995
- Wonderful, thank you.
- And Happy New Year. Nadia, let's go.
247
00:10:16,996 --> 00:10:18,596
This is Congressman Baines from Arizona.
248
00:10:18,597 --> 00:10:19,930
He's solidly O'Brien.
249
00:10:19,931 --> 00:10:23,400
Oh, let's get a picture. There we go.
250
00:10:23,401 --> 00:10:26,203
And you're out of here. You can go.
251
00:10:26,204 --> 00:10:28,404
Catherine's 23 years old.
She's fair game.
252
00:10:28,405 --> 00:10:30,773
Maybe you ride the pine on
this one for a period or two.
253
00:10:30,774 --> 00:10:33,809
- Please?
- All right, I'll talk to everyone.
254
00:10:33,810 --> 00:10:36,178
- I owe you.
- I mean, I'd hate to be offsides.
255
00:10:36,179 --> 00:10:38,613
- What?
- You know, hockey.
256
00:10:38,614 --> 00:10:41,583
Hockey. Great sport. Thank you.
257
00:10:41,584 --> 00:10:43,885
Mike, are you dating a
hockey player by any chance?
258
00:10:43,886 --> 00:10:47,054
You noticed the hockey references?
Shit, I thought they were seamless.
259
00:10:47,055 --> 00:10:50,524
Listen, you can't say a word,
but our surrogate is pregnant
260
00:10:50,525 --> 00:10:52,559
and I've been talking
to somebody in the NHL
261
00:10:52,560 --> 00:10:55,128
about a job as director
of communications.
262
00:10:55,129 --> 00:10:58,531
So win or lose, I'm out of here.
263
00:10:58,532 --> 00:11:00,800
Well, let me get my good-byes
out of the way now.
264
00:11:00,801 --> 00:11:04,202
Congressman, the president would love to
have a clutch with you in the Green Room.
265
00:11:04,203 --> 00:11:06,038
- Oh, of course.
- Great.
266
00:11:06,039 --> 00:11:07,939
- Hey.
- Hi.
267
00:11:07,940 --> 00:11:09,541
Carson City, Nevada.
268
00:11:09,542 --> 00:11:11,343
Ah, Buddy Calhoun
269
00:11:11,344 --> 00:11:12,843
in a tie that's not made out of string.
270
00:11:12,844 --> 00:11:14,311
You're the only woman
who's ever threatened
271
00:11:14,312 --> 00:11:16,414
to grate my balls over
a bowl of spaghetti.
272
00:11:16,415 --> 00:11:19,617
- Night's still young. Knock yourself out.
- Well, yeah.
273
00:11:19,618 --> 00:11:24,754
Madam President, we are looking to
build a 9/11 memorial in Bozeman.
274
00:11:24,755 --> 00:11:27,157
That sounds superb.
275
00:11:27,158 --> 00:11:29,259
Wonderful, because, you
know, never forget.
276
00:11:29,260 --> 00:11:30,626
- That's right.
- Always remember.
277
00:11:30,627 --> 00:11:32,895
But can you remind me
exactly what happened
278
00:11:32,896 --> 00:11:34,930
in Bozeman on 9/11?
279
00:11:34,931 --> 00:11:37,833
This is mainly focused
on our first responders.
280
00:11:37,834 --> 00:11:39,268
Oh, that's so important.
281
00:11:39,269 --> 00:11:41,669
Our first responders were
terribly traumatized
282
00:11:41,670 --> 00:11:44,572
by what happened to the first
responders in New York.
283
00:11:44,573 --> 00:11:47,008
Yeah, I get that. That's, uh...
284
00:11:47,009 --> 00:11:49,810
- Wow.
- That's... wow. Yeah, Ben.
285
00:11:49,811 --> 00:11:51,745
You know, I am sure there
is a little something
286
00:11:51,746 --> 00:11:55,148
we can find somewhere for
such a great project, sir.
287
00:11:55,149 --> 00:11:56,717
Roger, what do you think?
288
00:11:56,718 --> 00:11:58,584
Oh, I'm sure we can just
slip it under the skirt
289
00:11:58,585 --> 00:12:01,020
of the Homeland Security budget.
Tell him why, Will.
290
00:12:01,021 --> 00:12:05,658
The budget has a fatter, more
womanly behind than myself.
291
00:12:05,659 --> 00:12:07,959
Excuse me. Aren't you Gary Walsh?
292
00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:10,228
- What did I do?
- You've got to come meet my daughter.
293
00:12:10,229 --> 00:12:12,197
- She saw you in "The Hill."
- Oh.
294
00:12:12,198 --> 00:12:14,799
She's single, divorced, has a kid.
295
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:17,334
- But he's really a sweetheart.
- Oh, how nice.
296
00:12:17,335 --> 00:12:19,536
God, I feel like somebody's
playing a trick on him.
297
00:12:19,537 --> 00:12:22,539
They're about to dump a bucket
of pig's blood on his head.
298
00:12:24,242 --> 00:12:26,175
- You having a good time, Amy?
- Eh.
299
00:12:26,176 --> 00:12:28,644
Can't believe how many compliments
I'm getting about the hot list.
300
00:12:29,162 --> 00:12:30,713
Don't people around here
have anything better
301
00:12:30,714 --> 00:12:32,515
to talk about than the stupid hot list?
302
00:12:32,516 --> 00:12:34,750
- Amy, do you want some advice?
- Definitely not.
303
00:12:34,751 --> 00:12:37,886
Listen, don't worry so much
about what's up here, okay?
304
00:12:37,887 --> 00:12:40,622
Worry about what's in here.
And if you work at that,
305
00:12:40,623 --> 00:12:42,556
I'm telling you, you're gonna
be back on the hot list, Amy.
306
00:12:42,557 --> 00:12:45,092
I'm not saying you're
gonna be in the top 20,
307
00:12:45,093 --> 00:12:47,703
but you would be a
lock for, like, mid 40s.
308
00:12:47,704 --> 00:12:48,662
Thank you.
309
00:12:48,663 --> 00:12:53,566
Look at him, he's smiling like his
shit's all pine-fresh smelling.
310
00:12:53,567 --> 00:12:55,068
Oh, okay.
311
00:12:55,069 --> 00:12:56,603
- What are you doing?
- What?
312
00:12:56,604 --> 00:12:58,004
You're looking at
yourself in the mirror?
313
00:12:58,005 --> 00:13:01,273
- You look wonderful.
- Yeah.
314
00:13:01,274 --> 00:13:02,741
Madam President.
315
00:13:02,742 --> 00:13:04,476
This is Connie DiBenedetto of Oregon.
316
00:13:04,477 --> 00:13:06,378
She's the chairman of the
Gay and Lesbian Caucus.
317
00:13:06,379 --> 00:13:09,580
Actually, she's the only member
of the Gay and Lesbian Caucus.
318
00:13:09,581 --> 00:13:12,316
I'd like to take just
a moment of your time
319
00:13:12,317 --> 00:13:14,719
to talk to you about your
environmental policy.
320
00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:16,521
Oh, yes. Uh-huh.
321
00:13:16,522 --> 00:13:18,522
- I know it's politically risky...
- Come this way.
322
00:13:18,523 --> 00:13:21,358
...but, you know, a carbon
tax is the only way to go.
323
00:13:21,359 --> 00:13:23,226
- Yeah, you've met my daughter Catherine?
- No.
324
00:13:23,227 --> 00:13:25,395
And this is her special friend Marjorie.
325
00:13:25,396 --> 00:13:27,063
I want to get a picture of all of us.
326
00:13:27,064 --> 00:13:28,898
No, Mom, we don't want
to take any photos.
327
00:13:28,899 --> 00:13:30,900
Sure, we do. We're dying to do that.
328
00:13:30,901 --> 00:13:32,802
So, here we go right here.
329
00:13:32,803 --> 00:13:34,136
Let's all say girl power.
330
00:13:34,137 --> 00:13:35,905
- Girl power.
- Girl power.
331
00:13:35,906 --> 00:13:38,039
Listen, I wish I was hip enough
to hang here with you all,
332
00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:39,941
- but I've got to go deal with...
- You're a busy girl.
333
00:13:39,942 --> 00:13:41,876
- Tell Liz I love her.
- Oh, I will.
334
00:13:41,877 --> 00:13:43,978
- Okay. Okay. Bye-bye.
- She'll love that. Bye.
335
00:13:47,248 --> 00:13:49,550
- The Brandeis Chigh-notes.
- Hmm.
336
00:13:49,551 --> 00:13:51,718
Tonight we've got the
bowling alley appearance
337
00:13:51,719 --> 00:13:53,420
and we can't have any more gaffes.
338
00:13:53,421 --> 00:13:54,987
I got it! I got it!
339
00:13:54,988 --> 00:13:56,989
The widow saw me filming
her and she got mad.
340
00:13:56,990 --> 00:13:58,791
She called me some truly awful things.
341
00:13:58,792 --> 00:14:02,195
- Oh, thank you, Satan.
- I think this is a game changer.
342
00:14:04,931 --> 00:14:06,997
Thank you all so much for coming.
343
00:14:08,568 --> 00:14:11,937
Oh, my God, I got it.
I think I got it!
344
00:14:11,938 --> 00:14:13,637
You know, I think I see
what happened there.
345
00:14:13,638 --> 00:14:15,673
Richard, you good boy.
346
00:14:15,674 --> 00:14:19,443
I went to turn it on, but it was
already on, so I turned it off.
347
00:14:19,444 --> 00:14:22,779
Then I went to turn it off, but it
already was off, so I turned it on.
348
00:14:22,780 --> 00:14:25,849
I had such plans
for you, Richard.
349
00:14:25,850 --> 00:14:28,852
Congressman Baxter, I
completely believe you
350
00:14:28,853 --> 00:14:31,420
about the whole men's room incident.
351
00:14:31,421 --> 00:14:33,155
It sounded very plausible to me.
352
00:14:33,156 --> 00:14:35,090
So I want to also wish
you a merry Christmas.
353
00:14:35,091 --> 00:14:38,293
- Thank you so much.
- This is Paul Graves, purple state.
354
00:14:38,294 --> 00:14:40,628
- He could go either way.
- Like Baxter.
355
00:14:40,629 --> 00:14:43,664
I didn't know Jim Owens
was working for Graves.
356
00:14:43,665 --> 00:14:47,401
Yeah. Oh, man, that was
your one work friend.
357
00:14:47,402 --> 00:14:50,604
Yeah, he wouldn't return my
calls after POTUS fired him.
358
00:14:50,605 --> 00:14:52,405
Oh, come on. It's been a long time.
Go talk to him.
359
00:14:52,406 --> 00:14:54,107
- I can't. I can't.
- Mike.
360
00:14:54,108 --> 00:14:56,243
Madam President, everyone
knows I'm no fan of O'Brien,
361
00:14:56,244 --> 00:14:59,712
but if I'm gonna cross party lines
in order to hand you the presidency,
362
00:14:59,713 --> 00:15:01,380
I'm gonna need something big.
363
00:15:01,381 --> 00:15:02,748
Okay, how big?
364
00:15:02,749 --> 00:15:07,051
Why don't we go with Secretary of State?
365
00:15:07,052 --> 00:15:10,421
Well, at least we know you
don't need big balls.
366
00:15:10,422 --> 00:15:12,590
- Got large stones for sure.
- Right?
367
00:15:12,591 --> 00:15:15,525
I think it's something
368
00:15:15,526 --> 00:15:17,327
we might be able to accommodate.
369
00:15:17,328 --> 00:15:19,930
- Excellent. Then, Madam President...
- Yes?
370
00:15:19,931 --> 00:15:22,699
- ...you have my support.
- Oh, that's what I wanted to hear.
371
00:15:22,700 --> 00:15:25,234
Thank you so much, Congressman.
372
00:15:25,235 --> 00:15:28,037
Hey, enjoy the party, okay? Have fun.
373
00:15:28,038 --> 00:15:30,306
Ooh, we got Graves.
374
00:15:30,307 --> 00:15:33,075
- That was fantastic.
- I know it.
375
00:15:33,076 --> 00:15:35,543
Oh, what about Doyle?
You promised him State.
376
00:15:35,544 --> 00:15:38,146
- He knows I don't keep my promises.
- He should know by now.
377
00:15:38,147 --> 00:15:41,149
Oh, I love your district.
378
00:15:41,150 --> 00:15:43,217
And I love your district.
379
00:15:43,218 --> 00:15:45,552
I love them both.
380
00:15:45,553 --> 00:15:46,987
- Hey, where have you been?
- What?
381
00:15:46,988 --> 00:15:48,656
Turns out Nickerson
is back on the fence.
382
00:15:48,657 --> 00:15:51,524
She said she never fully agreed
to endorse you or support you.
383
00:15:51,525 --> 00:15:54,794
And I said maybe you'd remember better if
I fuck your brain through your ear hole.
384
00:15:54,795 --> 00:15:57,096
- Then what did she say, Will?
- She's pretty furious about it, sir.
385
00:15:57,097 --> 00:15:59,866
- Ben, you got to...
- I'm on it.
386
00:15:59,867 --> 00:16:02,534
Why is Tom over there
chatting it up with Jaeger?
387
00:16:02,535 --> 00:16:04,369
- I don't know. I'll handle it.
- No, no.
388
00:16:04,370 --> 00:16:07,973
I don't need your subtle charm on this.
389
00:16:07,974 --> 00:16:10,141
Bill, hi.
390
00:16:10,142 --> 00:16:12,977
Just wanted to reconfirm that I
can still count on your vote.
391
00:16:12,978 --> 00:16:16,213
Actually, Madam President, I've been
doing quite a bit of soul searching
392
00:16:16,214 --> 00:16:18,548
and I'm afraid I need to
listen to my conscience.
393
00:16:18,549 --> 00:16:21,251
Conscience? What the fuck
are you talking about?
394
00:16:21,252 --> 00:16:24,087
After much prayerful consideration,
I have decided to abstain
395
00:16:24,088 --> 00:16:26,990
from the upcoming congressional
tie-breaking vote in Congress.
396
00:16:26,991 --> 00:16:29,258
- Abstain?
- Yes, ma'am.
397
00:16:29,259 --> 00:16:31,860
But then no one wins, you dumbass.
398
00:16:31,861 --> 00:16:33,729
I was warned that you would
say some hurtful things.
399
00:16:33,730 --> 00:16:36,831
Okay, hold on. Let me see if I
can just explain this to you
400
00:16:36,832 --> 00:16:39,033
in terms that you might
understand, okay?
401
00:16:39,034 --> 00:16:43,604
Let's say that your chief of staff...
Nadia, is it?
402
00:16:43,605 --> 00:16:45,872
- That's...
- Okay, and she's down on her knees
403
00:16:45,873 --> 00:16:49,443
and she's got your balls in her hand
404
00:16:49,444 --> 00:16:52,579
and she's working your shaft
just the way you like it.
405
00:16:52,580 --> 00:16:56,148
And moments before you're about to come
406
00:16:56,149 --> 00:16:59,552
all over her stupid Slavic face,
407
00:16:59,553 --> 00:17:03,989
she says, "Nyet, after much
prayerful consideration,
408
00:17:03,990 --> 00:17:08,426
I have to abstain from
the upcoming blowjob."
409
00:17:08,427 --> 00:17:10,829
Are you Nadia in this situation?
410
00:17:10,830 --> 00:17:14,164
Just get out of my sight. Oh, God, fuck.
411
00:17:14,165 --> 00:17:17,735
- Okay.
- Let me guess, Jaeger's abstaining.
412
00:17:17,736 --> 00:17:19,303
- Yeah.
- Nickerson, too.
413
00:17:19,304 --> 00:17:21,504
Tom's not lobbying votes for O'Brien.
414
00:17:21,505 --> 00:17:23,339
He's asking people to abstain.
415
00:17:23,340 --> 00:17:24,607
What the fuck is happening?
416
00:17:24,608 --> 00:17:26,542
If no one gets a majority in the House,
417
00:17:26,543 --> 00:17:28,878
the vote goes to the Senate. I
explained this on election night.
418
00:17:28,879 --> 00:17:31,046
- I wasn't listening.
- Yeah, but obviously Tom was.
419
00:17:31,047 --> 00:17:34,282
Tom James is an acknowledged master
of the Senate's rules and procedures.
420
00:17:34,283 --> 00:17:37,519
So if it's up to the Senate,
Tom is our next president.
421
00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:40,621
Well, he must be stopped.
422
00:17:40,622 --> 00:17:42,390
Is it too late to get Doyle back?
423
00:17:42,391 --> 00:17:44,492
- We forgot to invite him tonight.
- Okay.
424
00:17:44,493 --> 00:17:46,460
- That's great.
- Tom!
425
00:17:46,461 --> 00:17:47,118
Ma'am.
426
00:17:47,119 --> 00:17:49,095
Congressman Griffin. Mrs.
Griffin. How are you?
427
00:17:49,096 --> 00:17:50,997
- I'm very well, thank you, ma'am.
- Good.
428
00:17:50,998 --> 00:17:54,901
I've been watching you all night
and I know what you're up to.
429
00:17:54,902 --> 00:17:55,726
Oh?
430
00:17:55,727 --> 00:17:58,203
You're trying to get up the
courage to ask me to dance.
431
00:17:58,204 --> 00:18:00,439
Guilty.
432
00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:02,741
Ma'am, I would be honored.
433
00:18:02,742 --> 00:18:04,710
Oh, thank you.
434
00:18:04,711 --> 00:18:06,744
Oh.
435
00:18:06,745 --> 00:18:09,047
- Thank you. Hey.
- Hey.
436
00:18:09,048 --> 00:18:10,581
- How are you?
- He asked.
437
00:18:10,582 --> 00:18:14,218
- Thank you. Thank you.
- He asked me.
438
00:18:14,219 --> 00:18:17,754
I think all this meeting and greeting
has really made me work up an appetite.
439
00:18:17,755 --> 00:18:18,321
I'm starving.
440
00:18:18,322 --> 00:18:20,023
Yeah, you never get the
chance to eat at these things.
441
00:18:20,024 --> 00:18:22,626
Never. You know what I
really have a hankering for?
442
00:18:22,627 --> 00:18:25,094
- What's that?
- Korean barbecue.
443
00:18:25,095 --> 00:18:27,696
- Do you like Korean barbecue?
- It's okay.
444
00:18:27,697 --> 00:18:30,066
There's this great place
that I heard about.
445
00:18:30,067 --> 00:18:33,501
It's in Annandale. What is the name
of it? I'm trying to remember.
446
00:18:33,502 --> 00:18:36,538
Oh, right, right. Um...
447
00:18:36,539 --> 00:18:39,473
the Cocksucking Backstabber.
448
00:18:40,943 --> 00:18:43,911
Oh, keep dancing, Tom.
Don't stop dancing.
449
00:18:43,912 --> 00:18:46,580
Don't look around.
Nobody's gonna help you.
450
00:18:46,581 --> 00:18:49,283
No, no. Right. Ma'am, let me explain.
451
00:18:49,284 --> 00:18:51,617
What... what... what that...
I think you're referring...
452
00:18:51,618 --> 00:18:55,288
You know what? I think maybe we
should go and talk in private.
453
00:18:55,289 --> 00:18:57,290
That's perfect timing, isn't it? Yeah?
454
00:18:57,291 --> 00:18:58,658
Yes.
455
00:18:58,659 --> 00:19:00,158
- Thank you for your support.
- Thank you.
456
00:19:00,159 --> 00:19:01,860
- Thank you all.
- Thank you so much.
457
00:19:01,861 --> 00:19:03,929
- So nice to see you all.
- Come. You can't get away.
458
00:19:03,930 --> 00:19:06,198
- Let's go. Yeah.
- Okay. All right.
459
00:19:06,199 --> 00:19:07,799
- Right, we're gonna do it.
- Thank you.
460
00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:10,468
How stupid are you, you
motherfucking snake?
461
00:19:10,469 --> 00:19:13,037
I know all about your meeting
with Marwood and Purcell.
462
00:19:13,038 --> 00:19:15,506
I know all about how
you're trying to fuck me
463
00:19:15,507 --> 00:19:18,508
with that abstinence program of yours.
464
00:19:18,509 --> 00:19:20,910
Underneath this whole honorable,
465
00:19:20,911 --> 00:19:23,713
decent, wholesome Boy
Scout crap of yours,
466
00:19:23,714 --> 00:19:26,116
I know exactly who you are.
467
00:19:26,117 --> 00:19:27,483
- Oh, you do?
- Yes, I do.
468
00:19:27,484 --> 00:19:29,485
Right, so I don't have to explain
469
00:19:29,486 --> 00:19:32,788
that I am not someone who
would piss away my presidency
470
00:19:32,789 --> 00:19:34,790
- on a bunch of half-ass decisions.
- What?
471
00:19:34,791 --> 00:19:38,025
And, by the way, by messing
around with that pretty boy
472
00:19:38,026 --> 00:19:39,961
Charlie Baird, for God's sake.
473
00:19:39,962 --> 00:19:43,464
What? Charlie Baird? What does Charlie
Baird have to do with any of this?
474
00:19:43,465 --> 00:19:45,765
I don't know. He's got
nothing to do with it.
475
00:19:45,766 --> 00:19:48,168
- Oh, my God, you're such a liar!
- The point is he...
476
00:19:48,169 --> 00:19:52,205
You're such a liar! Why did you even
join my ticket in the first place?
477
00:19:52,206 --> 00:19:55,941
Because I happen to believe in
something called public service.
478
00:19:55,942 --> 00:19:58,644
- Oh, bullshit!
- Okay, well, then I got no fucking idea.
479
00:19:58,645 --> 00:20:00,446
- I'll tell you why.
- Go ahead.
480
00:20:00,447 --> 00:20:03,181
Because you wanted to be a
step closer to the presidency
481
00:20:03,182 --> 00:20:05,116
and to me.
482
00:20:05,117 --> 00:20:05,883
Oh, my God.
483
00:20:05,884 --> 00:20:08,186
You wanted it so bad,
you could taste it.
484
00:20:08,187 --> 00:20:10,188
This is unbelievable. Please.
485
00:20:10,189 --> 00:20:13,924
You are lying now just
like you lied back then
486
00:20:13,925 --> 00:20:18,162
just like you lied about that night
in the cab with the green shoes.
487
00:20:18,163 --> 00:20:20,796
Oh, well, now I got no idea
what you're talking about.
488
00:20:20,797 --> 00:20:22,122
Yeah, you know exactly
what I'm talking about.
489
00:20:22,123 --> 00:20:22,632
No.
490
00:20:22,633 --> 00:20:24,233
You remembered the green
shoes that night,
491
00:20:24,234 --> 00:20:26,636
but not the fact that
you wanted to fuck me?
492
00:20:26,637 --> 00:20:28,404
Come on. Come on.
493
00:20:28,405 --> 00:20:30,972
No straight man remembers
a woman's shoes.
494
00:20:30,973 --> 00:20:33,141
Well, you got me. I'm gay, so...
495
00:20:33,142 --> 00:20:37,379
Just admit it. Just say the
truth for once in your life.
496
00:20:37,380 --> 00:20:40,281
Come on, Tom. You wanted
to fuck me that night.
497
00:20:40,282 --> 00:20:41,949
- Just say it.
- Will you stop it?!
498
00:20:41,950 --> 00:20:44,451
Just say it. You wanted
to fuck my brains out.
499
00:20:44,452 --> 00:20:46,353
All right, I wanted to
fuck your brains out!
500
00:20:46,354 --> 00:20:48,955
There you go. And now you're
trying to fuck me tonight.
501
00:20:48,956 --> 00:20:52,691
- No, I am fucking you tonight.
- I'm gonna fuck you.
502
00:20:59,599 --> 00:21:03,068
I mean, if I never see the White
House again, it'll be too soon.
503
00:21:03,069 --> 00:21:05,003
It's funny, you know. I love my job.
504
00:21:05,004 --> 00:21:07,171
I've been working for Congressman
Furlong since I was 15.
505
00:21:07,172 --> 00:21:09,473
- Oh.
- Mike, where's the president?
506
00:21:09,474 --> 00:21:11,275
- And where's Tom?
- I don't know.
507
00:21:11,276 --> 00:21:15,111
- What, are you drunk?
- Maybe, Mr. Hipflask.
508
00:21:15,112 --> 00:21:17,247
Listen, I'm a high functioning alcoholic
509
00:21:17,248 --> 00:21:20,382
and you're a sloppy weekend drunk.
Now get with it.
510
00:21:21,986 --> 00:21:24,752
Ma'am?
511
00:21:45,073 --> 00:21:47,174
Hi. Jonah Ryan. Thanks
for coming out tonight.
512
00:21:47,175 --> 00:21:49,643
Let me know if you have any questions.
Hi. Jonah Ryan.
513
00:21:49,644 --> 00:21:51,711
Running for Congress and I hope
I can count on your support.
514
00:21:51,712 --> 00:21:54,680
This is my boss Polly. She's gonna
be showing me the ropes today.
515
00:21:54,681 --> 00:21:56,482
Oh, Polly, look at this.
516
00:21:56,483 --> 00:21:58,117
Big shoes. You know
what that means, right?
517
00:21:58,118 --> 00:21:59,851
Uh, big feet?
518
00:21:59,852 --> 00:22:01,753
Can't argue with that. Maybe
you should run for Congress.
519
00:22:01,754 --> 00:22:03,755
- Your name is Jonah, right?
- Yeah.
520
00:22:03,756 --> 00:22:06,423
So why does your shirt say Jon H Ryan?
521
00:22:07,994 --> 00:22:09,059
Fuck.
522
00:22:09,060 --> 00:22:11,462
This is good. This is working.
523
00:22:11,463 --> 00:22:13,397
Oh, bowling alley's
always a good choice.
524
00:22:13,398 --> 00:22:15,733
I mean, skating rink's
good for a male candidate,
525
00:22:15,734 --> 00:22:18,401
but it's cold and gals tend to nip out.
526
00:22:18,402 --> 00:22:21,004
- Hi, I'm Jo...
- Hey, Jonah.
527
00:22:21,005 --> 00:22:24,006
Could I get a child size 12, please?
528
00:22:25,242 --> 00:22:27,009
What are you doing here, Teddy?
529
00:22:27,010 --> 00:22:28,777
I'm looking forward to some bowling.
530
00:22:28,778 --> 00:22:31,613
Although pocket pool is more my game.
531
00:22:31,614 --> 00:22:33,415
You listen to me, you fucking weirdo.
532
00:22:33,416 --> 00:22:37,318
I was a victim, but I am not
gonna let you define me.
533
00:22:37,319 --> 00:22:38,986
Nice blog, Mary.
534
00:22:38,987 --> 00:22:40,921
You know what? People like you,
535
00:22:40,922 --> 00:22:44,325
you look like us, but there's
a little piece missing.
536
00:22:44,326 --> 00:22:46,092
You're like a different species
537
00:22:46,093 --> 00:22:48,461
and one that I hope gets
struck from the Earth
538
00:22:48,462 --> 00:22:52,499
because you're a bully and Jonah
Ryan stands up to bullies.
539
00:22:52,500 --> 00:22:54,900
Yes. Yes, he does.
540
00:22:54,901 --> 00:22:58,103
Thank you. Yeah. Yeah,
this is a no haters alley.
541
00:22:58,104 --> 00:23:01,307
Okay, you and Boo-Boo the
ball-fondling bear here
542
00:23:01,308 --> 00:23:02,874
have exactly two seconds
to get the fuck out.
543
00:23:02,875 --> 00:23:04,776
Our work is done here.
Tell Selina hello.
544
00:23:04,777 --> 00:23:06,444
Yeah, great place for an event, Dan.
545
00:23:06,445 --> 00:23:08,946
The teenager selling cocaine in
the bathroom thought so, too.
546
00:23:08,947 --> 00:23:11,647
- Hey.
- Oh, looking good, 26.
547
00:23:14,218 --> 00:23:15,385
Hi, all.
548
00:23:15,386 --> 00:23:16,620
Ma'am, have you seen Tom?
549
00:23:16,621 --> 00:23:17,721
- Couple times.
- Good.
550
00:23:17,722 --> 00:23:19,356
I need Nickerson, I need Jaeger,
551
00:23:19,357 --> 00:23:20,589
'cause we're gonna finish this.
552
00:23:20,590 --> 00:23:22,791
- Okay, walk this way.
- Yeah.
553
00:23:25,696 --> 00:23:27,430
Gotcha!
554
00:23:27,431 --> 00:23:28,931
- Hi.
- Hi.
555
00:23:28,932 --> 00:23:31,232
Can I have a few minutes of
your time in the Green Room?
556
00:23:31,233 --> 00:23:33,268
The Green Room? That sounds historic.
557
00:23:33,269 --> 00:23:35,437
Oh, it is. It's where Woodrow Wilson
558
00:23:35,438 --> 00:23:37,405
had some of his most
significant strokes.
559
00:23:37,406 --> 00:23:39,106
- Really?
- Yeah.
560
00:23:39,107 --> 00:23:41,675
- Hey, buddy. Hey. Been a while.
- Mike.
561
00:23:41,676 --> 00:23:44,211
Look, about how things went
down at the end, I am so sorry.
562
00:23:44,212 --> 00:23:46,714
I should thank you 'cause
it was a wake-up call
563
00:23:46,715 --> 00:23:49,349
for me to get out of the
insanity of DC politics.
564
00:23:49,350 --> 00:23:52,585
Amen to that, brother. This place sucks.
565
00:23:52,586 --> 00:23:55,788
Listen, I have lined up a
sweet private sector gig.
566
00:23:55,789 --> 00:23:58,790
Oh? On the QT, I got
something in the works, too.
567
00:23:58,791 --> 00:24:02,394
I am the new director of
communications for the NHL.
568
00:24:02,395 --> 00:24:05,963
- You got the hockey job. Perfect.
- Where are you headed?
569
00:24:05,964 --> 00:24:10,368
I'm going to CL International Time.
570
00:24:10,369 --> 00:24:12,103
- That sounds great.
- Mmm, big.
571
00:24:12,104 --> 00:24:13,771
Listen, any time you want Caps tickets,
572
00:24:13,772 --> 00:24:15,605
you hit me up, buddy, all right?
573
00:24:15,606 --> 00:24:17,273
And if you ever need
anything international.
574
00:24:17,274 --> 00:24:18,775
- And congratulations.
- You, too.
575
00:24:18,776 --> 00:24:21,277
- Mazel. Yeah.
- Good luck.
576
00:24:21,278 --> 00:24:22,979
Fuck.
577
00:24:22,980 --> 00:24:24,380
If you think that you are getting
578
00:24:24,381 --> 00:24:27,082
those worthless toy boats now,
579
00:24:27,083 --> 00:24:28,984
I'm gonna shut down those factories
580
00:24:28,985 --> 00:24:31,487
faster than you can bedazzle
a fucking sweatshirt.
581
00:24:31,488 --> 00:24:34,789
- Let's cut the shit, Selina.
- Oh, here it is.
582
00:24:34,790 --> 00:24:37,058
All roads through Colorado go through me
583
00:24:37,059 --> 00:24:39,026
and the toll just went up.
584
00:24:39,027 --> 00:24:41,194
You're playing a very
dangerous game of chicken
585
00:24:41,195 --> 00:24:42,729
with the head fucking hen.
586
00:24:42,730 --> 00:24:44,731
'Cause if I don't win the White House,
587
00:24:44,732 --> 00:24:47,701
O'Brien is gonna sink your stupid boats
588
00:24:47,702 --> 00:24:50,003
and you're gonna look like
a hair-sprayed asshole
589
00:24:50,004 --> 00:24:52,138
in your 1980s mother-of-the-bride dress.
590
00:24:52,139 --> 00:24:55,408
And if I do win, I will
have my administration
591
00:24:55,409 --> 00:24:57,276
come to your shitty little district
592
00:24:57,277 --> 00:25:00,245
and shake it to death
like a Guatemalan nanny.
593
00:25:00,246 --> 00:25:04,282
And then I'm gonna have
the IRS crawl so far up
594
00:25:04,283 --> 00:25:07,385
your husband's colon, he's gonna wish
595
00:25:07,386 --> 00:25:10,554
the only thing they find is more cancer.
596
00:25:10,555 --> 00:25:11,755
Good God.
597
00:25:11,756 --> 00:25:14,792
So can I count on your vote?
598
00:25:14,793 --> 00:25:17,260
Or do I need to shove a
box of White House M&Ms
599
00:25:17,261 --> 00:25:19,896
up your stretched-out, six-baby vag?
600
00:25:21,799 --> 00:25:23,599
Yes, you can count on my vote.
601
00:25:23,600 --> 00:25:25,735
I think I want to hear
602
00:25:25,736 --> 00:25:28,804
an okey-dokey, Annie Oakley.
603
00:25:28,805 --> 00:25:31,239
Okey-dokey, Annie Oakley.
604
00:25:31,240 --> 00:25:32,874
Oh, super-duper, trooper.
605
00:25:32,875 --> 00:25:35,376
Now get the fuck out of
here, Congresswoman.
606
00:25:35,377 --> 00:25:37,511
Merry Christmas, Amy.
607
00:25:37,512 --> 00:25:41,315
Oh, Candi Caruso is who you are.
608
00:25:41,316 --> 00:25:45,084
I'm surprised to see you here
after what happened in Nevada.
609
00:25:45,085 --> 00:25:48,688
"Nev-add-a." I told POTUS that
there are other qualified people
610
00:25:48,689 --> 00:25:52,425
out there for special advisor, but she
insisted she couldn't think of any, so...
611
00:25:52,426 --> 00:25:54,860
- Oh. Guess what.
- Hmm?
612
00:25:54,861 --> 00:25:57,830
- I am engaged. Mm-hmm.
- Wow!
613
00:25:57,831 --> 00:25:59,731
Who's... who... to whom?
614
00:25:59,732 --> 00:26:02,533
Gary Welsh. You know, Gary Welsh.
615
00:26:02,534 --> 00:26:04,469
- Gary Welsh? Oh!
- Gary Welsh at State.
616
00:26:04,470 --> 00:26:07,371
He was supposed to be on this
50 Hottest thing that I'm in,
617
00:26:07,372 --> 00:26:09,907
but they got his name wrong.
They spelled it incorrectly.
618
00:26:09,908 --> 00:26:14,010
Turns out there's an actual guy by
that name. They put him in instead.
619
00:26:14,011 --> 00:26:16,213
- That's just a bad thing.
- Terrible. Terrible.
620
00:26:16,214 --> 00:26:18,648
I'm sorry to hear that,
but happy for you.
621
00:26:18,649 --> 00:26:21,083
- Oh! Thank you.
- All that.
622
00:26:21,084 --> 00:26:24,620
Yeah, okay. Uh-oh, President
of the United States needs me.
623
00:26:24,621 --> 00:26:27,122
- So...
- Mmm, yeah.
624
00:26:27,123 --> 00:26:29,824
Take care.
625
00:26:29,825 --> 00:26:32,794
Hey, Opie, grab your coonskin
cap and let's get out of here.
626
00:26:32,795 --> 00:26:35,330
Oh, okay.
627
00:26:35,331 --> 00:26:37,432
- It wasn't you.
- What?
628
00:26:37,433 --> 00:26:41,401
You're not hot. Gary Welsh at State is.
You're a typo.
629
00:26:41,402 --> 00:26:44,337
But like you said, it's not
up here, it's what's in here.
630
00:26:46,574 --> 00:26:49,140
And won't you give my
regards to your wife?
631
00:26:49,141 --> 00:26:50,142
Yes, ma'am.
632
00:26:50,143 --> 00:26:52,745
She's the head of the Red Cross
in Racine, did you know that?
633
00:26:52,746 --> 00:26:53,245
She's a saint.
634
00:26:53,246 --> 00:26:54,747
You can count on my
vote, Madam President.
635
00:26:54,748 --> 00:26:56,615
- That is a promise.
- Oh, yes, it is a promise.
636
00:26:56,616 --> 00:26:58,583
- Yes. Go. Turn, go.
- Mm-hmm.
637
00:26:58,584 --> 00:27:01,086
Well, ah, I guess this party
638
00:27:01,087 --> 00:27:04,089
is officially now over.
So how did we do?
639
00:27:04,090 --> 00:27:07,725
We're about the same place we were at
the beginning of the ball plus Graves.
640
00:27:07,726 --> 00:27:10,694
We could have secured Platt, but he never
got the picture with his wife's purse.
641
00:27:10,695 --> 00:27:12,796
I just hope things are going
good in New Hampshire.
642
00:27:12,797 --> 00:27:15,198
Good evening. We begin
with some shocking footage
643
00:27:15,199 --> 00:27:17,400
of congressional candidate Jonah Ryan
644
00:27:17,401 --> 00:27:19,569
all captured on amateur video.
645
00:27:19,570 --> 00:27:21,004
We do have to warn you, though,
646
00:27:21,005 --> 00:27:23,872
Ryan's language is extremely graphic.
647
00:27:23,873 --> 00:27:26,041
People like you, you look like us,
648
00:27:26,042 --> 00:27:28,410
but there's a little piece missing.
649
00:27:28,411 --> 00:27:30,245
You're a different species,
650
00:27:30,246 --> 00:27:32,713
one that I hope gets
struck from the Earth.
651
00:27:32,714 --> 00:27:34,815
Fuck me, Amadeus.
652
00:27:34,816 --> 00:27:36,717
Can't even see the guy
that Jonah's yelling at.
653
00:27:36,718 --> 00:27:40,021
God, Polly's not gonna think that
I was yelling at her, will she?
654
00:27:40,022 --> 00:27:42,222
Why don't we call her
publicist and find out?
655
00:27:42,223 --> 00:27:44,624
Wait a second. Richard, tell me you
have that from the other angle.
656
00:27:44,625 --> 00:27:46,626
Oh, definitely.
657
00:27:46,627 --> 00:27:50,362
Hey, Jonah. I'll get
a child size 12, please.
658
00:27:50,363 --> 00:27:52,298
What are you doing here?
659
00:27:52,299 --> 00:27:54,133
Thank you. Thank you.
660
00:27:54,134 --> 00:27:55,901
I don't know what happened there.
661
00:27:55,902 --> 00:27:57,903
- You did the same fucking thing!
- Literally.
662
00:27:57,904 --> 00:28:00,672
Oh, yeah, you know what? You're
right, I did the exact same thing.
663
00:28:00,673 --> 00:28:02,740
After the national elections,
664
00:28:02,741 --> 00:28:05,577
the president may have found herself
with a bad lie in the rough,
665
00:28:05,578 --> 00:28:07,512
but after stabilizing the economy,
666
00:28:07,513 --> 00:28:10,781
the House vote is starting
to look like a gimme putt.
667
00:28:10,782 --> 00:28:15,252
And mark my words, the president
will end up atop the leaderboard
668
00:28:15,253 --> 00:28:18,387
just like Inbee Park or Lydia Ko
669
00:28:18,388 --> 00:28:20,656
or any of the other great female golfers
670
00:28:20,657 --> 00:28:23,391
in the LPGA Tour.
671
00:28:23,392 --> 00:28:25,760
I would like to get back to questions
672
00:28:25,761 --> 00:28:28,263
about the first daughter's lesbianism.