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00:00:05,218 --> 00:00:07,905
Congresswoman Nickerson,
I just want you to know
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00:00:07,906 --> 00:00:09,408
that I won't forget my
friends in Congress.
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00:00:09,409 --> 00:00:10,912
These are fabulous.
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00:00:10,913 --> 00:00:12,832
- Wow.
- Her people say she wants the mug.
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00:00:12,833 --> 00:00:16,895
Would you like to keep the
mugs for your... minivan?
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00:00:16,896 --> 00:00:18,494
How did you know I have a minivan?
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00:00:18,495 --> 00:00:21,054
Just a good guess.
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00:00:21,054 --> 00:00:24,414
Before I ran for Congress, I was
a stay-at-home mother of six.
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00:00:24,415 --> 00:00:26,332
Ugh, yeah.
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00:00:26,333 --> 00:00:29,404
I tell you, if I could not get there
in a minivan, then I wasn't going.
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00:00:29,405 --> 00:00:31,259
- Right.
- You know the drill.
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Indeed I do, yeah.
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I mean, my license
expired a few years ago,
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but I get the general idea.
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So, Penny. Penny.
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We want to reauthorize the
amphibious fighting boat
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00:00:42,393 --> 00:00:46,776
and have them built in your district.
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00:00:46,776 --> 00:00:50,455
I saw a blanket out front that
said Air Force One on it.
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00:00:50,456 --> 00:00:51,798
It looks really beautiful.
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Let's get one of our care packages
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and then we can throw one
of those blankets in there.
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00:00:55,254 --> 00:00:56,854
- With the throw pillows?
- Yeah.
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00:00:56,855 --> 00:00:58,838
So what do you think? Can
I count on your support?
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00:00:58,839 --> 00:01:00,468
Okey-dokey, Annie Oakley.
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Bless your pea-picking heart.
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00:01:03,125 --> 00:01:05,331
Would you like to call
someone from Air Force One?
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- That usually freaks people out.
- Oh, my gosh.
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00:01:07,700 --> 00:01:09,458
My Donald. He has chemo today.
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00:01:09,459 --> 00:01:10,898
Fantastic.
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Let me tell you something
else about Selina Meyer,
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00:01:25,136 --> 00:01:26,766
our commander-in-thief.
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Check out the tits in the third row.
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I could dribble those
things like basketballs.
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She has destroyed the economy,
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00:01:34,349 --> 00:01:36,044
made a mess of the Middle East,
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she ruined Thanksgiving,
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and that's all in just
10 months in office.
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00:01:40,268 --> 00:01:42,537
Kent says Jonah's up
another five points.
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00:01:42,538 --> 00:01:45,577
- Wait, what?
- We're gonna win in Nashua.
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And we're gonna win in
Peterborough and Keene
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and Brattleboro, yeah!
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00:01:51,592 --> 00:01:54,344
My name is Jonah Ryan and I...
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Won't back down!
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- Mike! Mike! Mike!
- Uh, Jim. Jim.
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00:02:01,126 --> 00:02:04,102
Mike, the navy doesn't even want the
amphibious fighting boat anymore.
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00:02:04,102 --> 00:02:06,053
Is it a coincidence that the plant
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00:02:06,054 --> 00:02:08,836
that builds it is in Congresswoman
Nickerson's district?
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00:02:08,837 --> 00:02:12,355
Jim, if our nation's enemies decide
to drop the puck on hostilities,
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00:02:12,356 --> 00:02:14,531
then our navy and our
allies will be very glad
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00:02:14,532 --> 00:02:16,482
we have the military
capabilities we need.
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00:02:16,483 --> 00:02:19,617
- Drop the puck?
- Common hockey term. Uh, Donna.
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00:02:19,618 --> 00:02:22,113
Mike, question about the
president's daughter Catherine.
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00:02:22,114 --> 00:02:23,681
- Is it true that...
- Oh, I just heard the buzzer.
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That is the end of the third period.
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00:02:25,345 --> 00:02:27,263
- See you at the next face-off.
- Mike! Mike!
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00:02:27,264 --> 00:02:28,735
You know, with Nickerson's support,
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that clinches Colorado
for us four to three.
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That doesn't look like Santa.
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00:02:32,032 --> 00:02:33,726
The White House officially
celebrates Diwali,
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00:02:33,727 --> 00:02:35,005
Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa
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- and Mawlid al-Nabi...
- I know.
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00:02:36,478 --> 00:02:38,556
...the alleged birth date
of the prophet Muhammad.
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00:02:38,557 --> 00:02:40,988
Well, I suppose putting a few pictures
up of Muhammad never hurt anyone.
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00:02:40,989 --> 00:02:43,611
Ma'am, I'm getting a lot of
press interest about Catherine
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- and, you know, her condition.
- What?
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00:02:45,627 --> 00:02:47,802
She's a lesbian, Mike.
She's not a werewolf.
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00:02:47,803 --> 00:02:50,458
Although either one would explain
why she never shaves her legs.
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- Anything else?
- Yeah.
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00:02:51,770 --> 00:02:54,457
"The Hill's" 50 Hottest
Staffers list is out.
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00:02:54,458 --> 00:02:57,433
When does the White House's most
useless press secretary list come out?
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I can't wait to see who's
number one this year.
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00:02:58,906 --> 00:03:00,983
- I voted for Mike.
- I hate that thing.
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Every year it means a month of horny
Senate aides looking down my blouse.
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00:03:04,152 --> 00:03:05,975
Also, their
methodology is unsound.
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00:03:05,976 --> 00:03:07,447
I don't think you're
in it this year, Ame.
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00:03:07,448 --> 00:03:08,789
There you go, Amy. Problem solved.
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00:03:08,790 --> 00:03:10,580
Oh, my God, Candi Caruso ranked 17.
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00:03:10,581 --> 00:03:13,332
Look at this picture.
No way, look who's 21.
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- Gary.
- What?
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00:03:15,061 --> 00:03:16,724
Who's 22? The Elephant Man?
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00:03:16,725 --> 00:03:18,547
Oh, my God.
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00:03:18,548 --> 00:03:20,307
- Hey, 21.
- Hmm.
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00:03:20,308 --> 00:03:22,514
Rose hip tea, okay? Or I'm gonna 86 you.
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00:03:23,226 --> 00:03:25,362
Just got an endorsement
from the "Courier."
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00:03:25,363 --> 00:03:28,016
The emails from Tom Petty's lawyers
keep on getting angrier and angrier.
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How am I not on "The Hill's" 50
Hottest Staffers list this year?
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00:03:31,089 --> 00:03:33,136
This year? It's the 50
Hottest Staffers, Jonah,
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00:03:33,137 --> 00:03:35,694
not the 50 people most likely to
kill themselves before trial.
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I am on a career rocket ship
to Mars right now, Dan,
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except I'm gonna leave Matt Damon
there because the guy made potatoes
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00:03:41,487 --> 00:03:43,468
in his own shit like a fucking animal.
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The whole point of the 50
Hottest is not to be on it.
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- You're number 26, Mr. Egan.
- Yeah, five years in a row now.
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It's to use it to learn who to fuck.
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Who?
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Find a woman who was on it
last year, but not this year.
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00:03:53,004 --> 00:03:55,438
I mean, that's like a "make
her pay for dinner" situation.
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00:03:55,439 --> 00:03:56,330
Does that work?
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00:03:56,331 --> 00:03:59,433
If you don't look like someone melted
Play-Doh all over a flagpole, it does.
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00:03:59,434 --> 00:04:03,465
Wow, you're a fantastic
campaign manager.
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00:04:03,465 --> 00:04:05,832
Yeah. Fucking Gary's number 21?
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00:04:05,833 --> 00:04:09,927
What? Well, that just makes a mockery
of the very idea of hot rankings.
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00:04:09,928 --> 00:04:11,974
Well, it makes sense.
He's got beautiful eyes.
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- There they are.
- Madam President.
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- Hello, gentlemen.
- Children.
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All right, let's get to this.
Let's make it quick.
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Roger, you want to walk us
through the drill right now?
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00:04:18,981 --> 00:04:21,092
And would you please, please
try and keep it clean?
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Madam President, tomorrow night
is the president's annual
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holiday party for congressional
members and their families.
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00:04:26,180 --> 00:04:28,034
Ma'am, you'll need to make
the initial approach.
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00:04:28,035 --> 00:04:29,602
Ben will keep the offer straight.
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00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:31,201
Kent will keep a running tally.
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00:04:31,202 --> 00:04:33,377
Tom, you'll be in charge
of putting out any fires.
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00:04:33,378 --> 00:04:35,360
And once you're all done
with them, I'll move in
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and squirt a half gallon of ropey jism
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into their modeled
congressional cornholes.
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00:04:39,808 --> 00:04:44,062
Oh, you made it so far and
then you just...
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00:04:44,063 --> 00:04:46,813
Tom, do you have anything
that you would like to add?
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00:04:46,814 --> 00:04:49,726
No, Roger took my thing
about ropey jism.
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- Right.
- Thank you, Madam President.
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And I will see you
tomorrow night, right, Tom?
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Indeed, yes.
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Okay.
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What's up?
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Dirty. Just dirty and shady.
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Door. Door.
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So?
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00:05:09,305 --> 00:05:11,384
What the fuck is Tom up to?
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00:05:11,385 --> 00:05:13,751
Why was he meeting with Purcell
at a Korean barbecue place?
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00:05:13,752 --> 00:05:16,599
- Marwood is the opposition.
- You think Tom is helping O'Brien?
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00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:19,701
But what could O'Brien offer him that's
better than the vice presidency?
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Literally anything.
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00:05:21,174 --> 00:05:24,533
Oh! Tom wanted Secretary
of the Treasury.
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00:05:24,534 --> 00:05:26,996
I said no. Ah, fuck!
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00:05:26,997 --> 00:05:29,395
Ma'am, you just have to keep
nailing down those votes.
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00:05:29,396 --> 00:05:31,379
All right? 26 votes and it's over.
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00:05:31,380 --> 00:05:34,515
Okay, guys, we got to keep an
eye on Tom tomorrow night.
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00:05:34,516 --> 00:05:36,401
- Really.
- Yes, ma'am.
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00:05:46,416 --> 00:05:48,911
- Yes?
- I was just checking
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00:05:48,912 --> 00:05:51,086
to see if there was
another meeting about me.
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00:05:52,208 --> 00:05:53,356
Not today.
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00:05:55,246 --> 00:05:57,228
All right, the next
question is for Mr. Ryan.
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00:05:57,229 --> 00:05:59,308
Would you vote to raise
the debt ceiling?
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00:05:59,309 --> 00:06:01,547
Well, as the late, great
Lionel Richie once said,
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00:06:01,548 --> 00:06:05,003
"Oh, what a feeling, I am
dancing on the debt ceiling."
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00:06:05,004 --> 00:06:07,403
OKAY, A: Lionel Richie is not dead,
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00:06:07,403 --> 00:06:09,482
what the fuck
does that even mean?
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00:06:09,483 --> 00:06:10,889
New Hampshire loves my zingers.
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00:06:10,890 --> 00:06:13,513
It's my personality that
has gotten us this far.
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00:06:13,514 --> 00:06:16,584
No, I am the one who got us this far,
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you sentient enema.
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All right, Mrs. Sherman, same question.
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00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:21,607
I hereby solemnly promise to never vote
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00:06:21,608 --> 00:06:24,006
to raise the debt ceiling
without budgetary offsets.
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Lord knows I stick to my
grocery budget every week.
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Mother Mary dry humping a pillow.
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00:06:28,198 --> 00:06:29,829
That is what I call natural talent.
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00:06:29,830 --> 00:06:31,684
- What was your name again?
- Judy Sherman.
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00:06:31,685 --> 00:06:34,180
Oh, come on, Richard's only
winning because he gets to be
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00:06:34,181 --> 00:06:35,907
the easier person and I have to be me.
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00:06:35,908 --> 00:06:37,699
All right, Judy, pretend to be Jonah.
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00:06:37,699 --> 00:06:39,843
Richard's not gonna get the
subtleties of being...
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00:06:39,844 --> 00:06:43,042
Just shut the fuck up and move!
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00:06:43,043 --> 00:06:46,176
I'd have to agree with Mrs. Sherman
here on fiscal responsibility.
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00:06:46,177 --> 00:06:50,592
In fact, teacher, allow me to
present you with this apple.
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00:06:50,593 --> 00:06:53,791
Feel my dick. I am rock-hard
for you right now, mister.
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00:06:53,792 --> 00:06:55,007
You think I'm kidding. Feel it.
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00:06:55,008 --> 00:06:56,894
- Shit.
- What?
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00:06:56,895 --> 00:06:59,486
Local news stations are running
footage from the rally.
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00:06:59,487 --> 00:07:01,565
- You said Brattleboro.
- So?
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00:07:01,566 --> 00:07:04,033
So Brattleboro just
happens to be in Vermont.
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00:07:04,034 --> 00:07:04,957
Since when?
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00:07:04,958 --> 00:07:08,603
Granted, every town up here is just two dirty
piles of snow connected by a covered bridge,
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00:07:08,604 --> 00:07:11,515
but Jesus Christ, Jonah, you grew up
here. How do you not know this shit?
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00:07:11,516 --> 00:07:13,786
I don't know. Maybe I was supposed
to learn it in the second grade,
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00:07:13,787 --> 00:07:15,354
but my teacher was a fucking bitch.
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00:07:15,355 --> 00:07:16,794
Jonah, watch your language.
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00:07:16,794 --> 00:07:18,808
Well, obviously Ericsson
had trackers at the event.
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00:07:18,809 --> 00:07:20,487
Richard, who do we
have tracking the widow?
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00:07:20,488 --> 00:07:21,112
Nobody.
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00:07:21,113 --> 00:07:25,496
Then go out there and buy a camera
and videotape everything she does.
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00:07:25,497 --> 00:07:27,831
- Do you want 4k or 1080p?
- Just buy any fucking camera.
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00:07:27,832 --> 00:07:29,622
- Okay, I'm going.
- You and I have to talk.
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00:07:29,623 --> 00:07:31,798
If you were like 10% less black,
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00:07:31,799 --> 00:07:33,717
- I could make you president.
- Thank you.
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00:07:35,350 --> 00:07:37,940
No. No. No. That's... get it out.
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00:07:37,941 --> 00:07:41,204
We talked about this. The wife of
Congressman Platt designed it.
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00:07:41,205 --> 00:07:42,932
Does she know I'm not
the president of Cuba?
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00:07:42,933 --> 00:07:45,842
Did you tell her that?
Are you wearing cologne?
191
00:07:45,843 --> 00:07:47,506
A little.
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00:07:47,507 --> 00:07:50,033
Smells like birdseed.
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00:07:50,034 --> 00:07:52,401
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, darling.
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00:07:52,402 --> 00:07:55,376
Hi, Marjorie. Don't you look...
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00:07:55,377 --> 00:07:57,296
- Strapping.
- ...strapping.
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00:07:57,297 --> 00:07:58,036
Thank you, ma'am.
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00:07:58,037 --> 00:08:00,176
What's happening with
these tentacles here?
198
00:08:00,177 --> 00:08:03,278
Are they gonna get put
away or something?
199
00:08:03,279 --> 00:08:06,030
I have a question. I
need to know how you...
200
00:08:06,031 --> 00:08:08,621
gals want to play the whole gay thing.
201
00:08:08,622 --> 00:08:09,656
I'm sorry, I don't know...
202
00:08:09,657 --> 00:08:11,596
Mike has been getting
a bunch of questions
203
00:08:11,597 --> 00:08:14,027
and interview requests and, you
know, et cetera, et cetera.
204
00:08:14,028 --> 00:08:16,172
And I just don't know how
you want to handle that.
205
00:08:16,172 --> 00:08:19,722
Do you want to just play it like Ellen or
do you want to be more like Jodie Foster?
206
00:08:19,723 --> 00:08:21,738
Do you want to play it
more like a mystery?
207
00:08:21,739 --> 00:08:26,090
Uh, I think that we were kind of hoping
that we could keep things on the down-low.
208
00:08:26,091 --> 00:08:28,136
Okay, can you just speak
English, Catherine?
209
00:08:28,137 --> 00:08:29,608
'Cause I don't know what
you're trying to say.
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00:08:29,609 --> 00:08:31,432
Madam President, if it's
all the same to you,
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00:08:31,433 --> 00:08:34,247
we don't want our private
life to be politicized.
212
00:08:34,248 --> 00:08:36,838
Okay. I get that. I respect that.
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00:08:36,839 --> 00:08:38,533
We'll keep it under the gaydar.
214
00:08:38,534 --> 00:08:40,708
- Thank you.
- So, great. I'll tell Mike.
215
00:08:42,374 --> 00:08:44,133
- Ladies and gentlemen...
- Here, take it.
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00:08:44,134 --> 00:08:46,116
- ...the President of the United States.
- Thank you.
217
00:08:46,117 --> 00:08:48,739
Thank... would
you listen to this?
218
00:08:48,740 --> 00:08:51,523
Who doesn't love a cappella, right?
219
00:08:51,524 --> 00:08:55,105
It's like a magic trick 'cause there
are no instruments, of course.
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00:08:55,106 --> 00:08:57,665
Madam President, Tom James, 8:00.
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00:08:57,666 --> 00:08:59,552
Okay.
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00:09:01,634 --> 00:09:04,480
You mean 11:00? Over there?
223
00:09:04,481 --> 00:09:06,879
Seriously, can you really not tell time?
224
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:09,247
Sorry, ma'am, I just
thought it meant close.
225
00:09:09,248 --> 00:09:10,398
- Ma'am?
- Yes.
226
00:09:10,399 --> 00:09:11,550
The fluffers have done their work.
227
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:12,893
It's time for the orgy to begin.
228
00:09:12,894 --> 00:09:14,749
Okay, let's get that done.
229
00:09:14,750 --> 00:09:17,693
Oh, look, Catherine. You fixed
that there, didn't you?
230
00:09:17,694 --> 00:09:18,556
Yeah.
231
00:09:18,557 --> 00:09:21,148
Except it's still just a
rat's nest in the back.
232
00:09:21,149 --> 00:09:23,867
It needs to pull... maybe
you can help her, Marjorie.
233
00:09:23,868 --> 00:09:25,467
Just pull it back, sweetheart.
234
00:09:25,468 --> 00:09:27,993
Oh, all my friends are here.
235
00:09:27,994 --> 00:09:29,977
- Madam President, hello.
- Merry Christmas.
236
00:09:29,978 --> 00:09:32,313
- Thank you so much for having us.
- Hello, Congressman Jaeger.
237
00:09:32,314 --> 00:09:34,488
- And this must be Mrs. Jaeger?
- That's not his wife.
238
00:09:34,489 --> 00:09:36,407
- Okay.
- This is one of my staffers, Nadia.
239
00:09:36,408 --> 00:09:38,295
- She's a prostitute.
- Hmm.
240
00:09:38,296 --> 00:09:41,974
Well, would you like a picture for
your friends and for your family?
241
00:09:41,975 --> 00:09:43,606
- Yes...
- We've got a...
242
00:09:43,607 --> 00:09:45,685
There we go. No.
243
00:09:45,686 --> 00:09:47,797
And I want to wish you
a merry Christmas.
244
00:09:47,798 --> 00:09:49,261
And I can count on
your support, can't I?
245
00:09:49,262 --> 00:09:50,260
100%. Merry Christmas.
246
00:09:50,261 --> 00:09:51,861
- Wonderful, thank you.
- And Happy New Year. Nadia, let's go.
247
00:09:51,862 --> 00:09:53,396
This is Congressman Baines from Arizona.
248
00:09:53,397 --> 00:09:54,675
He's solidly O'Brien.
249
00:09:54,676 --> 00:09:58,003
Oh, let's get a picture. There we go.
250
00:09:58,004 --> 00:10:00,690
And you're out of here. You can go.
251
00:10:00,691 --> 00:10:02,801
Catherine's 23 years old.
She's fair game.
252
00:10:02,802 --> 00:10:05,073
Maybe you ride the pine on
this one for a period or two.
253
00:10:05,074 --> 00:10:07,984
- Please?
- All right, I'll talk to everyone.
254
00:10:07,985 --> 00:10:10,256
- I owe you.
- I mean, I'd hate to be offsides.
255
00:10:10,257 --> 00:10:12,591
- What?
- You know, hockey.
256
00:10:12,592 --> 00:10:15,439
Hockey. Great sport. Thank you.
257
00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:17,646
Mike, are you dating a
hockey player by any chance?
258
00:10:17,647 --> 00:10:20,685
You noticed the hockey references?
Shit, I thought they were seamless.
259
00:10:20,686 --> 00:10:24,012
Listen, you can't say a word,
but our surrogate is pregnant
260
00:10:24,013 --> 00:10:25,964
and I've been talking
to somebody in the NHL
261
00:10:25,965 --> 00:10:28,427
about a job as director
of communications.
262
00:10:28,428 --> 00:10:31,690
So win or lose, I'm out of here.
263
00:10:31,691 --> 00:10:33,866
Well, let me get my good-byes
out of the way now.
264
00:10:33,867 --> 00:10:37,128
Congressman, the president would love to
have a clutch with you in the Green Room.
265
00:10:37,129 --> 00:10:38,889
- Oh, of course.
- Great.
266
00:10:38,890 --> 00:10:40,712
- Hey.
- Hi.
267
00:10:40,713 --> 00:10:42,248
Carson City, Nevada.
268
00:10:42,249 --> 00:10:43,976
Ah, Buddy Calhoun
269
00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:45,414
in a tie that's not made out of string.
270
00:10:45,415 --> 00:10:46,822
You're the only woman
who's ever threatened
271
00:10:46,823 --> 00:10:48,839
to grate my balls over
a bowl of spaghetti.
272
00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:51,910
- Night's still young. Knock yourself out.
- Well, yeah.
273
00:10:51,911 --> 00:10:56,836
Madam President, we are looking to
build a 9/11 memorial in Bozeman.
274
00:10:56,837 --> 00:10:59,140
That sounds superb.
275
00:10:59,141 --> 00:11:01,156
Wonderful, because, you
know, never forget.
276
00:11:01,157 --> 00:11:02,467
- That's right.
- Always remember.
277
00:11:02,468 --> 00:11:04,643
But can you remind me
exactly what happened
278
00:11:04,643 --> 00:11:06,594
in Bozeman on 9/11?
279
00:11:06,595 --> 00:11:09,378
This is mainly focused
on our first responders.
280
00:11:09,379 --> 00:11:10,754
Oh, that's so important.
281
00:11:10,755 --> 00:11:13,056
Our first responders were
terribly traumatized
282
00:11:13,057 --> 00:11:15,840
by what happened to the first
responders in New York.
283
00:11:15,841 --> 00:11:18,176
Yeah, I get that. That's, uh...
284
00:11:18,177 --> 00:11:20,863
- Wow.
- That's... wow. Yeah, Ben.
285
00:11:20,864 --> 00:11:22,718
You know, I am sure there
is a little something
286
00:11:22,719 --> 00:11:25,981
we can find somewhere for
such a great project, sir.
287
00:11:25,982 --> 00:11:27,486
Roger, what do you think?
288
00:11:27,487 --> 00:11:29,276
Oh, I'm sure we can just
slip it under the skirt
289
00:11:29,277 --> 00:11:31,612
of the Homeland Security budget.
Tell him why, Will.
290
00:11:31,613 --> 00:11:36,059
The budget has a fatter, more
womanly behind than myself.
291
00:11:36,060 --> 00:11:38,266
Excuse me. Aren't you Gary Walsh?
292
00:11:38,267 --> 00:11:40,442
- What did I do?
- You've got to come meet my daughter.
293
00:11:40,443 --> 00:11:42,330
- She saw you in "The Hill."
- Oh.
294
00:11:42,331 --> 00:11:44,825
She's single, divorced, has a kid.
295
00:11:44,826 --> 00:11:47,256
- But he's really a sweetheart.
- Oh, how nice.
296
00:11:47,257 --> 00:11:49,367
God, I feel like somebody's
playing a trick on him.
297
00:11:49,368 --> 00:11:52,247
They're about to dump a bucket
of pig's blood on his head.
298
00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:55,734
- You having a good time, Amy?
- Eh.
299
00:11:55,735 --> 00:11:58,101
Can't believe how many compliments
I'm getting about the hot list.
300
00:11:58,598 --> 00:12:00,085
Don't people around here
have anything better
301
00:12:00,086 --> 00:12:01,813
to talk about than the stupid hot list?
302
00:12:01,814 --> 00:12:03,956
- Amy, do you want some advice?
- Definitely not.
303
00:12:03,957 --> 00:12:06,963
Listen, don't worry so much
about what's up here, okay?
304
00:12:06,964 --> 00:12:09,587
Worry about what's in here.
And if you work at that,
305
00:12:09,588 --> 00:12:11,442
I'm telling you, you're gonna
be back on the hot list, Amy.
306
00:12:11,443 --> 00:12:13,873
I'm not saying you're
gonna be in the top 20,
307
00:12:13,874 --> 00:12:16,377
but you would be a
lock for, like, mid 40s.
308
00:12:16,378 --> 00:12:17,297
Thank you.
309
00:12:17,298 --> 00:12:21,999
Look at him, he's smiling like his
shit's all pine-fresh smelling.
310
00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:23,440
Oh, okay.
311
00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:24,911
- What are you doing?
- What?
312
00:12:24,912 --> 00:12:26,255
You're looking at
yourself in the mirror?
313
00:12:26,256 --> 00:12:29,390
- You look wonderful.
- Yeah.
314
00:12:29,391 --> 00:12:30,797
Madam President.
315
00:12:30,798 --> 00:12:32,461
This is Connie DiBenedetto of Oregon.
316
00:12:32,462 --> 00:12:34,285
She's the chairman of the
Gay and Lesbian Caucus.
317
00:12:34,286 --> 00:12:37,355
Actually, she's the only member
of the Gay and Lesbian Caucus.
318
00:12:37,356 --> 00:12:39,979
I'd like to take just
a moment of your time
319
00:12:39,980 --> 00:12:42,283
to talk to you about your
environmental policy.
320
00:12:42,284 --> 00:12:44,011
Oh, yes. Uh-huh.
321
00:12:44,012 --> 00:12:45,930
- I know it's politically risky...
- Come this way.
322
00:12:45,931 --> 00:12:48,649
...but, you know, a carbon
tax is the only way to go.
323
00:12:48,650 --> 00:12:50,441
- Yeah, you've met my daughter Catherine?
- No.
324
00:12:50,442 --> 00:12:52,521
And this is her special friend Marjorie.
325
00:12:52,522 --> 00:12:54,120
I want to get a picture of all of us.
326
00:12:54,121 --> 00:12:55,880
No, Mom, we don't want
to take any photos.
327
00:12:55,881 --> 00:12:57,799
Sure, we do. We're dying to do that.
328
00:12:57,800 --> 00:12:59,623
So, here we go right here.
329
00:12:59,624 --> 00:13:00,902
Let's all say girl power.
330
00:13:00,903 --> 00:13:02,599
- Girl power.
- Girl power.
331
00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:04,645
Listen, I wish I was hip enough
to hang here with you all,
332
00:13:04,646 --> 00:13:06,469
- but I've got to go deal with...
- You're a busy girl.
333
00:13:06,470 --> 00:13:08,324
- Tell Liz I love her.
- Oh, I will.
334
00:13:08,325 --> 00:13:10,340
- Okay. Okay. Bye-bye.
- She'll love that. Bye.
335
00:13:13,476 --> 00:13:15,683
- The Brandeis Chigh-notes.
- Hmm.
336
00:13:15,684 --> 00:13:17,762
Tonight we've got the
bowling alley appearance
337
00:13:17,763 --> 00:13:19,394
and we can't have any more gaffes.
338
00:13:19,395 --> 00:13:20,897
I got it! I got it!
339
00:13:20,898 --> 00:13:22,817
The widow saw me filming
her and she got mad.
340
00:13:22,818 --> 00:13:24,545
She called me some truly awful things.
341
00:13:24,545 --> 00:13:27,809
- Oh, thank you, Satan.
- I think this is a game changer.
342
00:13:30,432 --> 00:13:32,413
Thank you all so much for coming.
343
00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:37,150
Oh, my God, I got it.
I think I got it!
344
00:13:37,151 --> 00:13:38,781
You know, I think I see
what happened there.
345
00:13:38,782 --> 00:13:40,733
Richard, you good boy.
346
00:13:40,734 --> 00:13:44,348
I went to turn it on, but it was
already on, so I turned it off.
347
00:13:44,349 --> 00:13:47,547
Then I went to turn it off, but it
already was off, so I turned it on.
348
00:13:47,548 --> 00:13:50,491
I had such plans
for you, Richard.
349
00:13:50,492 --> 00:13:53,371
Congressman Baxter, I
completely believe you
350
00:13:53,371 --> 00:13:55,833
about the whole men's room incident.
351
00:13:55,834 --> 00:13:57,497
It sounded very plausible to me.
352
00:13:57,498 --> 00:13:59,352
So I want to also wish
you a merry Christmas.
353
00:13:59,353 --> 00:14:02,424
- Thank you so much.
- This is Paul Graves, purple state.
354
00:14:02,425 --> 00:14:04,663
- He could go either way.
- Like Baxter.
355
00:14:04,664 --> 00:14:07,574
I didn't know Jim Owens
was working for Graves.
356
00:14:07,575 --> 00:14:11,157
Yeah. Oh, man, that was
your one work friend.
357
00:14:11,158 --> 00:14:14,229
Yeah, he wouldn't return my
calls after POTUS fired him.
358
00:14:14,230 --> 00:14:15,956
Oh, come on. It's been a long time.
Go talk to him.
359
00:14:15,957 --> 00:14:17,588
- I can't. I can't.
- Mike.
360
00:14:17,589 --> 00:14:19,636
Madam President, everyone
knows I'm no fan of O'Brien,
361
00:14:19,637 --> 00:14:22,963
but if I'm gonna cross party lines
in order to hand you the presidency,
362
00:14:22,964 --> 00:14:24,562
I'm gonna need something big.
363
00:14:24,563 --> 00:14:25,874
Okay, how big?
364
00:14:25,875 --> 00:14:30,000
Why don't we go with Secretary of State?
365
00:14:30,001 --> 00:14:33,232
Well, at least we know you
don't need big balls.
366
00:14:33,233 --> 00:14:35,312
- Got large stones for sure.
- Right?
367
00:14:35,313 --> 00:14:38,126
I think it's something
368
00:14:38,127 --> 00:14:39,854
we might be able to accommodate.
369
00:14:39,855 --> 00:14:42,350
- Excellent. Then, Madam President...
- Yes?
370
00:14:42,351 --> 00:14:45,005
- ...you have my support.
- Oh, that's what I wanted to hear.
371
00:14:45,006 --> 00:14:47,436
Thank you so much, Congressman.
372
00:14:47,437 --> 00:14:50,124
Hey, enjoy the party, okay? Have fun.
373
00:14:50,125 --> 00:14:52,300
Ooh, we got Graves.
374
00:14:52,301 --> 00:14:54,955
- That was fantastic.
- I know it.
375
00:14:54,956 --> 00:14:57,322
Oh, what about Doyle?
You promised him State.
376
00:14:57,323 --> 00:14:59,818
- He knows I don't keep my promises.
- He should know by now.
377
00:14:59,819 --> 00:15:02,697
Oh, I love your district.
378
00:15:02,698 --> 00:15:04,680
And I love your district.
379
00:15:04,681 --> 00:15:06,919
I love them both.
380
00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:08,295
- Hey, where have you been?
- What?
381
00:15:08,296 --> 00:15:09,896
Turns out Nickerson
is back on the fence.
382
00:15:09,897 --> 00:15:12,646
She said she never fully agreed
to endorse you or support you.
383
00:15:12,647 --> 00:15:15,782
And I said maybe you'd remember better if
I fuck your brain through your ear hole.
384
00:15:15,783 --> 00:15:17,989
- Then what did she say, Will?
- She's pretty furious about it, sir.
385
00:15:17,990 --> 00:15:20,645
- Ben, you got to...
- I'm on it.
386
00:15:20,646 --> 00:15:23,204
Why is Tom over there
chatting it up with Jaeger?
387
00:15:23,205 --> 00:15:24,963
- I don't know. I'll handle it.
- No, no.
388
00:15:24,964 --> 00:15:28,419
I don't need your subtle charm on this.
389
00:15:28,420 --> 00:15:30,498
Bill, hi.
390
00:15:30,499 --> 00:15:33,218
Just wanted to reconfirm that I
can still count on your vote.
391
00:15:33,219 --> 00:15:36,321
Actually, Madam President, I've been
doing quite a bit of soul searching
392
00:15:36,322 --> 00:15:38,560
and I'm afraid I need to
listen to my conscience.
393
00:15:38,561 --> 00:15:41,152
Conscience? What the fuck
are you talking about?
394
00:15:41,153 --> 00:15:43,871
After much prayerful consideration,
I have decided to abstain
395
00:15:43,872 --> 00:15:46,655
from the upcoming congressional
tie-breaking vote in Congress.
396
00:15:46,656 --> 00:15:48,830
- Abstain?
- Yes, ma'am.
397
00:15:48,831 --> 00:15:51,325
But then no one wins, you dumbass.
398
00:15:51,326 --> 00:15:53,117
I was warned that you would
say some hurtful things.
399
00:15:53,118 --> 00:15:56,092
Okay, hold on. Let me see if I
can just explain this to you
400
00:15:56,093 --> 00:15:58,203
in terms that you might
understand, okay?
401
00:15:58,204 --> 00:16:02,586
Let's say that your chief of staff...
Nadia, is it?
402
00:16:02,587 --> 00:16:04,761
- That's...
- Okay, and she's down on her knees
403
00:16:04,762 --> 00:16:08,185
and she's got your balls in her hand
404
00:16:08,186 --> 00:16:11,193
and she's working your shaft
just the way you like it.
405
00:16:11,194 --> 00:16:14,615
And moments before you're about to come
406
00:16:14,616 --> 00:16:17,879
all over her stupid Slavic face,
407
00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:22,134
she says, "Nyet, after much
prayerful consideration,
408
00:16:22,135 --> 00:16:26,389
I have to abstain from
the upcoming blowjob."
409
00:16:26,390 --> 00:16:28,693
Are you Nadia in this situation?
410
00:16:28,694 --> 00:16:31,891
Just get out of my sight. Oh, God, fuck.
411
00:16:31,892 --> 00:16:35,315
- Okay.
- Let me guess, Jaeger's abstaining.
412
00:16:35,316 --> 00:16:36,819
- Yeah.
- Nickerson, too.
413
00:16:36,820 --> 00:16:38,929
Tom's not lobbying votes for O'Brien.
414
00:16:38,930 --> 00:16:40,689
He's asking people to abstain.
415
00:16:40,690 --> 00:16:41,905
What the fuck is happening?
416
00:16:41,906 --> 00:16:43,760
If no one gets a majority in the House,
417
00:16:43,761 --> 00:16:46,000
the vote goes to the Senate. I
explained this on election night.
418
00:16:46,001 --> 00:16:48,079
- I wasn't listening.
- Yeah, but obviously Tom was.
419
00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:51,182
Tom James is an acknowledged master
of the Senate's rules and procedures.
420
00:16:51,183 --> 00:16:54,286
So if it's up to the Senate,
Tom is our next president.
421
00:16:54,287 --> 00:16:57,261
Well, he must be stopped.
422
00:16:57,262 --> 00:16:58,957
Is it too late to get Doyle back?
423
00:16:58,958 --> 00:17:00,973
- We forgot to invite him tonight.
- Okay.
424
00:17:00,974 --> 00:17:02,860
- That's great.
- Tom!
425
00:17:02,861 --> 00:17:03,491
Ma'am.
426
00:17:03,492 --> 00:17:05,387
Congressman Griffin. Mrs.
Griffin. How are you?
427
00:17:05,388 --> 00:17:07,211
- I'm very well, thank you, ma'am.
- Good.
428
00:17:07,212 --> 00:17:10,954
I've been watching you all night
and I know what you're up to.
429
00:17:10,955 --> 00:17:11,745
Oh?
430
00:17:11,746 --> 00:17:14,121
You're trying to get up the
courage to ask me to dance.
431
00:17:14,122 --> 00:17:16,265
Guilty.
432
00:17:16,266 --> 00:17:18,472
Ma'am, I would be honored.
433
00:17:18,473 --> 00:17:20,360
Oh, thank you.
434
00:17:20,361 --> 00:17:22,311
Oh.
435
00:17:22,312 --> 00:17:24,519
- Thank you. Hey.
- Hey.
436
00:17:24,520 --> 00:17:25,990
- How are you?
- He asked.
437
00:17:25,991 --> 00:17:29,478
- Thank you. Thank you.
- He asked me.
438
00:17:29,479 --> 00:17:32,868
I think all this meeting and greeting
has really made me work up an appetite.
439
00:17:32,869 --> 00:17:33,412
I'm starving.
440
00:17:33,413 --> 00:17:35,044
Yeah, you never get the
chance to eat at these things.
441
00:17:35,045 --> 00:17:37,540
Never. You know what I
really have a hankering for?
442
00:17:37,541 --> 00:17:39,907
- What's that?
- Korean barbecue.
443
00:17:39,908 --> 00:17:42,402
- Do you like Korean barbecue?
- It's okay.
444
00:17:42,403 --> 00:17:44,674
There's this great place
that I heard about.
445
00:17:44,675 --> 00:17:47,968
It's in Annandale. What is the name
of it? I'm trying to remember.
446
00:17:47,969 --> 00:17:50,881
Oh, right, right. Um...
447
00:17:50,882 --> 00:17:53,695
the Cocksucking Backstabber.
448
00:17:55,105 --> 00:17:57,951
Oh, keep dancing, Tom.
Don't stop dancing.
449
00:17:57,952 --> 00:18:00,510
Don't look around.
Nobody's gonna help you.
450
00:18:00,511 --> 00:18:03,102
No, no. Right. Ma'am, let me explain.
451
00:18:03,103 --> 00:18:05,340
What... what... what that...
I think you're referring...
452
00:18:05,341 --> 00:18:08,860
You know what? I think maybe we
should go and talk in private.
453
00:18:08,861 --> 00:18:10,780
That's perfect timing, isn't it? Yeah?
454
00:18:10,781 --> 00:18:12,092
Yes.
455
00:18:12,093 --> 00:18:13,530
- Thank you for your support.
- Thank you.
456
00:18:13,531 --> 00:18:15,162
- Thank you all.
- Thank you so much.
457
00:18:15,163 --> 00:18:17,146
- So nice to see you all.
- Come. You can't get away.
458
00:18:17,147 --> 00:18:19,322
- Let's go. Yeah.
- Okay. All right.
459
00:18:19,323 --> 00:18:20,857
- Right, we're gonna do it.
- Thank you.
460
00:18:20,858 --> 00:18:23,417
How stupid are you, you
motherfucking snake?
461
00:18:23,418 --> 00:18:25,880
I know all about your meeting
with Marwood and Purcell.
462
00:18:25,881 --> 00:18:28,248
I know all about how
you're trying to fuck me
463
00:18:28,249 --> 00:18:31,126
with that abstinence program of yours.
464
00:18:31,127 --> 00:18:33,430
Underneath this whole honorable,
465
00:18:33,431 --> 00:18:36,117
decent, wholesome Boy
Scout crap of yours,
466
00:18:36,118 --> 00:18:38,422
I know exactly who you are.
467
00:18:38,423 --> 00:18:39,733
- Oh, you do?
- Yes, I do.
468
00:18:39,734 --> 00:18:41,652
Right, so I don't have to explain
469
00:18:41,653 --> 00:18:44,820
that I am not someone who
would piss away my presidency
470
00:18:44,821 --> 00:18:46,739
- on a bunch of half-ass decisions.
- What?
471
00:18:46,740 --> 00:18:49,841
And, by the way, by messing
around with that pretty boy
472
00:18:49,842 --> 00:18:51,698
Charlie Baird, for God's sake.
473
00:18:51,699 --> 00:18:55,057
What? Charlie Baird? What does Charlie
Baird have to do with any of this?
474
00:18:55,058 --> 00:18:57,263
I don't know. He's got
nothing to do with it.
475
00:18:57,264 --> 00:18:59,568
- Oh, my God, you're such a liar!
- The point is he...
476
00:18:59,569 --> 00:19:03,439
You're such a liar! Why did you even
join my ticket in the first place?
477
00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:07,021
Because I happen to believe in
something called public service.
478
00:19:07,022 --> 00:19:09,613
- Oh, bullshit!
- Okay, well, then I got no fucking idea.
479
00:19:09,614 --> 00:19:11,341
- I'll tell you why.
- Go ahead.
480
00:19:11,342 --> 00:19:13,964
Because you wanted to be a
step closer to the presidency
481
00:19:13,965 --> 00:19:15,819
and to me.
482
00:19:15,820 --> 00:19:16,555
Oh, my God.
483
00:19:16,556 --> 00:19:18,763
You wanted it so bad,
you could taste it.
484
00:19:18,764 --> 00:19:20,683
This is unbelievable. Please.
485
00:19:20,684 --> 00:19:24,266
You are lying now just
like you lied back then
486
00:19:24,267 --> 00:19:28,329
just like you lied about that night
in the cab with the green shoes.
487
00:19:28,330 --> 00:19:30,855
Oh, well, now I got no idea
what you're talking about.
488
00:19:30,856 --> 00:19:32,127
Yeah, you know exactly
what I'm talking about.
489
00:19:32,128 --> 00:19:32,616
No.
490
00:19:32,617 --> 00:19:34,151
You remembered the green
shoes that night,
491
00:19:34,152 --> 00:19:36,455
but not the fact that
you wanted to fuck me?
492
00:19:36,456 --> 00:19:38,151
Come on. Come on.
493
00:19:38,152 --> 00:19:40,613
No straight man remembers
a woman's shoes.
494
00:19:40,614 --> 00:19:42,693
Well, you got me. I'm gay, so...
495
00:19:42,694 --> 00:19:46,757
Just admit it. Just say the
truth for once in your life.
496
00:19:46,758 --> 00:19:49,540
Come on, Tom. You wanted
to fuck me that night.
497
00:19:49,541 --> 00:19:51,139
- Just say it.
- Will you stop it?!
498
00:19:51,140 --> 00:19:53,538
Just say it. You wanted
to fuck my brains out.
499
00:19:53,539 --> 00:19:55,362
All right, I wanted to
fuck your brains out!
500
00:19:55,363 --> 00:19:57,857
There you go. And now you're
trying to fuck me tonight.
501
00:19:57,858 --> 00:20:01,440
- No, I am fucking you tonight.
- I'm gonna fuck you.
502
00:20:08,064 --> 00:20:11,391
I mean, if I never see the White
House again, it'll be too soon.
503
00:20:11,392 --> 00:20:13,246
It's funny, you know. I love my job.
504
00:20:13,247 --> 00:20:15,325
I've been working for Congressman
Furlong since I was 15.
505
00:20:15,326 --> 00:20:17,532
- Oh.
- Mike, where's the president?
506
00:20:17,533 --> 00:20:19,260
- And where's Tom?
- I don't know.
507
00:20:19,261 --> 00:20:22,939
- What, are you drunk?
- Maybe, Mr. Hipflask.
508
00:20:22,940 --> 00:20:24,987
Listen, I'm a high functioning alcoholic
509
00:20:24,988 --> 00:20:27,993
and you're a sloppy weekend drunk.
Now get with it.
510
00:20:29,531 --> 00:20:32,184
Ma'am?
511
00:20:51,670 --> 00:20:53,685
Hi. Jonah Ryan. Thanks
for coming out tonight.
512
00:20:53,685 --> 00:20:56,052
Let me know if you have any questions.
Hi. Jonah Ryan.
513
00:20:56,053 --> 00:20:58,035
Running for Congress and I hope
I can count on your support.
514
00:20:58,036 --> 00:21:00,882
This is my boss Polly. She's gonna
be showing me the ropes today.
515
00:21:00,883 --> 00:21:02,610
Oh, Polly, look at this.
516
00:21:02,611 --> 00:21:04,178
Big shoes. You know
what that means, right?
517
00:21:04,179 --> 00:21:05,841
Uh, big feet?
518
00:21:05,842 --> 00:21:07,665
Can't argue with that. Maybe
you should run for Congress.
519
00:21:07,666 --> 00:21:09,584
- Your name is Jonah, right?
- Yeah.
520
00:21:09,585 --> 00:21:12,143
So why does your shirt say Jon H Ryan?
521
00:21:13,649 --> 00:21:14,670
Fuck.
522
00:21:14,671 --> 00:21:16,975
This is good. This is working.
523
00:21:16,976 --> 00:21:18,830
Oh, bowling alley's
always a good choice.
524
00:21:18,831 --> 00:21:21,070
I mean, skating rink's
good for a male candidate,
525
00:21:21,071 --> 00:21:23,629
but it's cold and gals tend to nip out.
526
00:21:23,630 --> 00:21:26,125
- Hi, I'm Jo...
- Hey, Jonah.
527
00:21:26,126 --> 00:21:29,003
Could I get a child size 12, please?
528
00:21:30,189 --> 00:21:31,883
What are you doing here, Teddy?
529
00:21:31,884 --> 00:21:33,578
I'm looking forward to some bowling.
530
00:21:33,579 --> 00:21:36,298
Although pocket pool is more my game.
531
00:21:36,299 --> 00:21:38,026
You listen to me, you fucking weirdo.
532
00:21:38,027 --> 00:21:41,768
I was a victim, but I am not
gonna let you define me.
533
00:21:41,769 --> 00:21:43,368
Nice blog, Mary.
534
00:21:43,369 --> 00:21:45,223
You know what? People like you,
535
00:21:45,224 --> 00:21:48,488
you look like us, but there's
a little piece missing.
536
00:21:48,488 --> 00:21:50,182
You're like a different species
537
00:21:50,183 --> 00:21:52,454
and one that I hope gets
struck from the Earth
538
00:21:52,455 --> 00:21:56,326
because you're a bully and Jonah
Ryan stands up to bullies.
539
00:21:56,327 --> 00:21:58,628
Yes. Yes, he does.
540
00:21:58,629 --> 00:22:01,699
Thank you. Yeah. Yeah,
this is a no haters alley.
541
00:22:01,700 --> 00:22:04,772
Okay, you and Boo-Boo the
ball-fondling bear here
542
00:22:04,773 --> 00:22:06,274
have exactly two seconds
to get the fuck out.
543
00:22:06,275 --> 00:22:08,098
Our work is done here.
Tell Selina hello.
544
00:22:08,099 --> 00:22:09,698
Yeah, great place for an event, Dan.
545
00:22:09,699 --> 00:22:12,097
The teenager selling cocaine in
the bathroom thought so, too.
546
00:22:12,098 --> 00:22:14,687
- Hey.
- Oh, looking good, 26.
547
00:22:17,152 --> 00:22:18,271
Hi, all.
548
00:22:18,272 --> 00:22:19,456
Ma'am, have you seen Tom?
549
00:22:19,457 --> 00:22:20,511
- Couple times.
- Good.
550
00:22:20,512 --> 00:22:22,079
I need Nickerson, I need Jaeger,
551
00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:23,262
'cause we're gonna finish this.
552
00:22:23,263 --> 00:22:25,373
- Okay, walk this way.
- Yeah.
553
00:22:28,159 --> 00:22:29,822
Gotcha!
554
00:22:29,823 --> 00:22:31,261
- Hi.
- Hi.
555
00:22:31,262 --> 00:22:33,467
Can I have a few minutes of
your time in the Green Room?
556
00:22:33,468 --> 00:22:35,420
The Green Room? That sounds historic.
557
00:22:35,421 --> 00:22:37,500
Oh, it is. It's where Woodrow Wilson
558
00:22:37,501 --> 00:22:39,387
had some of his most
significant strokes.
559
00:22:39,388 --> 00:22:41,018
- Really?
- Yeah.
560
00:22:41,019 --> 00:22:43,481
- Hey, buddy. Hey. Been a while.
- Mike.
561
00:22:43,482 --> 00:22:45,913
Look, about how things went
down at the end, I am so sorry.
562
00:22:45,914 --> 00:22:48,313
I should thank you 'cause
it was a wake-up call
563
00:22:48,314 --> 00:22:50,840
for me to get out of the
insanity of DC politics.
564
00:22:50,841 --> 00:22:53,943
Amen to that, brother. This place sucks.
565
00:22:53,944 --> 00:22:57,015
Listen, I have lined up a
sweet private sector gig.
566
00:22:57,016 --> 00:22:59,893
Oh? On the QT, I got
something in the works, too.
567
00:22:59,894 --> 00:23:03,349
I am the new director of
communications for the NHL.
568
00:23:03,350 --> 00:23:06,772
- You got the hockey job. Perfect.
- Where are you headed?
569
00:23:06,772 --> 00:23:10,996
I'm going to CL International Time.
570
00:23:10,997 --> 00:23:12,659
- That sounds great.
- Mmm, big.
571
00:23:12,660 --> 00:23:14,259
Listen, any time you want Caps tickets,
572
00:23:14,260 --> 00:23:16,017
you hit me up, buddy, all right?
573
00:23:16,018 --> 00:23:17,617
And if you ever need
anything international.
574
00:23:17,618 --> 00:23:19,057
- And congratulations.
- You, too.
575
00:23:19,058 --> 00:23:21,456
- Mazel. Yeah.
- Good luck.
576
00:23:21,457 --> 00:23:23,088
Fuck.
577
00:23:23,089 --> 00:23:24,432
If you think that you are getting
578
00:23:24,433 --> 00:23:27,023
those worthless toy boats now,
579
00:23:27,024 --> 00:23:28,847
I'm gonna shut down those factories
580
00:23:28,848 --> 00:23:31,247
faster than you can bedazzle
a fucking sweatshirt.
581
00:23:31,248 --> 00:23:34,413
- Let's cut the shit, Selina.
- Oh, here it is.
582
00:23:34,414 --> 00:23:36,589
All roads through Colorado go through me
583
00:23:36,590 --> 00:23:38,476
and the toll just went up.
584
00:23:38,477 --> 00:23:40,555
You're playing a very
dangerous game of chicken
585
00:23:40,556 --> 00:23:42,027
with the head fucking hen.
586
00:23:42,028 --> 00:23:43,947
'Cause if I don't win the White House,
587
00:23:43,948 --> 00:23:46,795
O'Brien is gonna sink your stupid boats
588
00:23:46,796 --> 00:23:49,002
and you're gonna look like
a hair-sprayed asshole
589
00:23:49,003 --> 00:23:51,049
in your 1980s mother-of-the-bride dress.
590
00:23:51,050 --> 00:23:54,185
And if I do win, I will
have my administration
591
00:23:54,186 --> 00:23:55,976
come to your shitty little district
592
00:23:55,977 --> 00:23:58,823
and shake it to death
like a Guatemalan nanny.
593
00:23:58,824 --> 00:24:02,695
And then I'm gonna have
the IRS crawl so far up
594
00:24:02,696 --> 00:24:05,670
your husband's colon, he's gonna wish
595
00:24:05,671 --> 00:24:08,709
the only thing they find is more cancer.
596
00:24:08,710 --> 00:24:09,861
Good God.
597
00:24:09,861 --> 00:24:12,773
So can I count on your vote?
598
00:24:12,774 --> 00:24:15,139
Or do I need to shove a
box of White House M&Ms
599
00:24:15,140 --> 00:24:17,667
up your stretched-out, six-baby vag?
600
00:24:19,492 --> 00:24:21,218
Yes, you can count on my vote.
601
00:24:21,219 --> 00:24:23,266
I think I want to hear
602
00:24:23,267 --> 00:24:26,209
an okey-dokey, Annie Oakley.
603
00:24:26,210 --> 00:24:28,544
Okey-dokey, Annie Oakley.
604
00:24:28,545 --> 00:24:30,112
Oh, super-duper, trooper.
605
00:24:30,113 --> 00:24:32,511
Now get the fuck out of
here, Congresswoman.
606
00:24:32,512 --> 00:24:34,558
Merry Christmas, Amy.
607
00:24:34,559 --> 00:24:38,206
Oh, Candi Caruso is who you are.
608
00:24:38,207 --> 00:24:41,820
I'm surprised to see you here
after what happened in Nevada.
609
00:24:41,821 --> 00:24:45,276
"Nev-add-a." I told POTUS that
there are other qualified people
610
00:24:45,277 --> 00:24:48,860
out there for special advisor, but she
insisted she couldn't think of any, so...
611
00:24:48,861 --> 00:24:51,195
- Oh. Guess what.
- Hmm?
612
00:24:51,196 --> 00:24:54,043
- I am engaged. Mm-hmm.
- Wow!
613
00:24:54,044 --> 00:24:55,865
Who's... who... to whom?
614
00:24:55,866 --> 00:24:58,552
Gary Welsh. You know, Gary Welsh.
615
00:24:58,553 --> 00:25:00,409
- Gary Welsh? Oh!
- Gary Welsh at State.
616
00:25:00,410 --> 00:25:03,192
He was supposed to be on this
50 Hottest thing that I'm in,
617
00:25:03,193 --> 00:25:05,623
but they got his name wrong.
They spelled it incorrectly.
618
00:25:05,624 --> 00:25:09,558
Turns out there's an actual guy by
that name. They put him in instead.
619
00:25:09,559 --> 00:25:11,670
- That's just a bad thing.
- Terrible. Terrible.
620
00:25:11,671 --> 00:25:14,005
I'm sorry to hear that,
but happy for you.
621
00:25:14,006 --> 00:25:16,340
- Oh! Thank you.
- All that.
622
00:25:16,341 --> 00:25:19,732
Yeah, okay. Uh-oh, President
of the United States needs me.
623
00:25:19,733 --> 00:25:22,131
- So...
- Mmm, yeah.
624
00:25:22,132 --> 00:25:24,722
Take care.
625
00:25:24,723 --> 00:25:27,570
Hey, Opie, grab your coonskin
cap and let's get out of here.
626
00:25:27,571 --> 00:25:30,002
Oh, okay.
627
00:25:30,003 --> 00:25:32,018
- It wasn't you.
- What?
628
00:25:32,019 --> 00:25:35,824
You're not hot. Gary Welsh at State is.
You're a typo.
629
00:25:35,824 --> 00:25:38,639
But like you said, it's not
up here, it's what's in here.
630
00:25:40,784 --> 00:25:43,245
And won't you give my
regards to your wife?
631
00:25:43,246 --> 00:25:44,205
Yes, ma'am.
632
00:25:44,206 --> 00:25:46,701
She's the head of the Red Cross
in Racine, did you know that?
633
00:25:46,702 --> 00:25:47,181
She's a saint.
634
00:25:47,182 --> 00:25:48,621
You can count on my
vote, Madam President.
635
00:25:48,622 --> 00:25:50,412
- That is a promise.
- Oh, yes, it is a promise.
636
00:25:50,413 --> 00:25:52,300
- Yes. Go. Turn, go.
- Mm-hmm.
637
00:25:52,301 --> 00:25:54,700
Well, ah, I guess this party
638
00:25:54,701 --> 00:25:57,579
is officially now over.
So how did we do?
639
00:25:57,580 --> 00:26:01,066
We're about the same place we were at
the beginning of the ball plus Graves.
640
00:26:01,067 --> 00:26:03,913
We could have secured Platt, but he never
got the picture with his wife's purse.
641
00:26:03,914 --> 00:26:05,929
I just hope things are going
good in New Hampshire.
642
00:26:05,930 --> 00:26:08,232
Good evening. We begin
with some shocking footage
643
00:26:08,233 --> 00:26:10,344
of congressional candidate Jonah Ryan
644
00:26:10,344 --> 00:26:12,423
all captured on amateur video.
645
00:26:12,424 --> 00:26:13,799
We do have to warn you, though,
646
00:26:13,800 --> 00:26:16,550
Ryan's language is extremely graphic.
647
00:26:16,551 --> 00:26:18,630
People like you, you look like us,
648
00:26:18,630 --> 00:26:20,901
but there's a little piece missing.
649
00:26:20,902 --> 00:26:22,661
You're a different species,
650
00:26:22,662 --> 00:26:25,027
one that I hope gets
struck from the Earth.
651
00:26:25,028 --> 00:26:27,043
Fuck me, Amadeus.
652
00:26:27,044 --> 00:26:28,867
Can't even see the guy
that Jonah's yelling at.
653
00:26:28,868 --> 00:26:32,035
God, Polly's not gonna think that
I was yelling at her, will she?
654
00:26:32,036 --> 00:26:34,146
Why don't we call her
publicist and find out?
655
00:26:34,147 --> 00:26:36,449
Wait a second. Richard, tell me you
have that from the other angle.
656
00:26:36,450 --> 00:26:38,369
Oh, definitely.
657
00:26:38,370 --> 00:26:41,951
Hey, Jonah. I'll get
a child size 12, please.
658
00:26:41,952 --> 00:26:43,808
What are you doing here?
659
00:26:43,809 --> 00:26:45,567
Thank you. Thank you.
660
00:26:45,568 --> 00:26:47,263
I don't know what happened there.
661
00:26:47,264 --> 00:26:49,183
- You did the same fucking thing!
- Literally.
662
00:26:49,183 --> 00:26:51,838
Oh, yeah, you know what? You're
right, I did the exact same thing.
663
00:26:51,839 --> 00:26:53,821
After the national elections,
664
00:26:53,822 --> 00:26:56,541
the president may have found herself
with a bad lie in the rough,
665
00:26:56,542 --> 00:26:58,397
but after stabilizing the economy,
666
00:26:58,398 --> 00:27:01,531
the House vote is starting
to look like a gimme putt.
667
00:27:01,532 --> 00:27:05,819
And mark my words, the president
will end up atop the leaderboard
668
00:27:05,820 --> 00:27:08,825
just like Inbee Park or Lydia Ko
669
00:27:08,826 --> 00:27:11,001
or any of the other great female golfers
670
00:27:11,002 --> 00:27:13,623
in the LPGA Tour.
671
00:27:13,624 --> 00:27:15,895
I would like to get back to questions
672
00:27:15,896 --> 00:27:18,295
about the first daughter's lesbianism.