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Congresswoman Nickerson,
I just want you to know
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00:00:02,781 --> 00:00:04,284
that I won't forget my
friends in Congress.
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00:00:04,285 --> 00:00:05,787
These are fabulous.
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00:00:05,788 --> 00:00:07,707
- Wow.
- Her people say she wants the mug.
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00:00:07,708 --> 00:00:11,770
Would you like to keep the
mugs for your... minivan?
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How did you know I have a minivan?
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00:00:13,371 --> 00:00:15,929
Just a good guess.
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00:00:15,930 --> 00:00:19,290
Before I ran for Congress, I was
a stay-at-home mother of six.
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Ugh, yeah.
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00:00:21,209 --> 00:00:24,280
I tell you, if I could not get there
in a minivan, then I wasn't going.
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00:00:24,281 --> 00:00:26,136
- Right.
- You know the drill.
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Indeed I do, yeah.
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I mean, my license
expired a few years ago,
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but I get the general idea.
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So, Penny. Penny.
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We want to reauthorize the
amphibious fighting boat
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00:00:37,270 --> 00:00:41,653
and have them built in your district.
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00:00:41,654 --> 00:00:45,332
I saw a blanket out front that
said Air Force One on it.
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It looks really beautiful.
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Let's get one of our care packages
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and then we can throw one
of those blankets in there.
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00:00:50,132 --> 00:00:51,731
- With the throw pillows?
- Yeah.
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00:00:51,732 --> 00:00:53,716
So what do you think? Can
I count on your support?
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00:00:53,717 --> 00:00:55,346
Okey-dokey, Annie Oakley.
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Bless your pea-picking heart.
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00:00:58,003 --> 00:01:00,210
Would you like to call
someone from Air Force One?
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- That usually freaks people out.
- Oh, my gosh.
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00:01:02,578 --> 00:01:04,336
My Donald. He has chemo today.
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00:01:04,337 --> 00:01:05,777
Fantastic.
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00:01:16,944 --> 00:01:20,014
Let me tell you something
else about Selina Meyer,
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our commander-in-thief.
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Check out the tits in the third row.
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I could dribble those
things like basketballs.
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She has destroyed the economy,
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00:01:29,229 --> 00:01:30,924
made a mess of the Middle East,
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she ruined Thanksgiving,
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and that's all in just
10 months in office.
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00:01:35,148 --> 00:01:37,418
Kent says Jonah's up
another five points.
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- Wait, what?
- We're gonna win in Nashua.
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And we're gonna win in
Peterborough and Keene
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and Brattleboro, yeah!
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00:01:46,473 --> 00:01:49,224
My name is Jonah Ryan and I...
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Won't back down!
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- Mike! Mike! Mike!
- Uh, Jim. Jim.
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00:01:56,007 --> 00:01:58,983
Mike, the navy doesn't even want the
amphibious fighting boat anymore.
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00:01:58,984 --> 00:02:00,934
Is it a coincidence that the plant
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00:02:00,935 --> 00:02:03,717
that builds it is in Congresswoman
Nickerson's district?
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00:02:03,718 --> 00:02:07,237
Jim, if our nation's enemies decide
to drop the puck on hostilities,
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00:02:07,238 --> 00:02:09,413
then our navy and our
allies will be very glad
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00:02:09,414 --> 00:02:11,364
we have the military
capabilities we need.
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00:02:11,365 --> 00:02:14,499
- Drop the puck?
- Common hockey term. Uh, Donna.
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00:02:14,500 --> 00:02:16,995
Mike, question about the
president's daughter Catherine.
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00:02:16,996 --> 00:02:18,563
- Is it true that...
- Oh, I just heard the buzzer.
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That is the end of the third period.
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- See you at the next face-off.
- Mike! Mike!
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00:02:22,147 --> 00:02:23,618
You know, with Nickerson's support,
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that clinches Colorado
for us four to three.
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That doesn't look like Santa.
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00:02:26,915 --> 00:02:28,609
The White House officially
celebrates Diwali,
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Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa
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- and Mawlid al-Nabi...
- I know.
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...the alleged birth date
of the prophet Muhammad.
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00:02:33,441 --> 00:02:35,872
Well, I suppose putting a few pictures
up of Muhammad never hurt anyone.
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Ma'am, I'm getting a lot of
press interest about Catherine
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- and, you know, her condition.
- What?
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00:02:40,511 --> 00:02:42,686
She's a lesbian, Mike.
She's not a werewolf.
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Although either one would explain
why she never shaves her legs.
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- Anything else?
- Yeah.
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"The Hill's" 50 Hottest
Staffers list is out.
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00:02:49,342 --> 00:02:52,317
When does the White House's most
useless press secretary list come out?
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I can't wait to see who's
number one this year.
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- I voted for Mike.
- I hate that thing.
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Every year it means a month of horny
Senate aides looking down my blouse.
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Also, their
methodology is unsound.
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I don't think you're
in it this year, Ame.
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00:03:02,332 --> 00:03:03,674
There you go, Amy. Problem solved.
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00:03:03,675 --> 00:03:05,465
Oh, my God, Candi Caruso ranked 17.
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00:03:05,466 --> 00:03:08,218
Look at this picture.
No way, look who's 21.
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00:03:08,219 --> 00:03:09,946
- Gary.
- What?
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00:03:09,947 --> 00:03:11,609
Who's 22? The Elephant Man?
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00:03:11,610 --> 00:03:13,432
Oh, my God.
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00:03:13,433 --> 00:03:15,192
- Hey, 21.
- Hmm.
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Rose hip tea, okay? Or I'm gonna 86 you.
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00:03:18,112 --> 00:03:20,248
Just got an endorsement
from the "Courier."
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00:03:20,249 --> 00:03:22,902
The emails from Tom Petty's lawyers
keep on getting angrier and angrier.
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00:03:22,903 --> 00:03:25,974
How am I not on "The Hill's" 50
Hottest Staffers list this year?
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00:03:25,975 --> 00:03:28,022
This year? It's the 50
Hottest Staffers, Jonah,
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00:03:28,023 --> 00:03:30,581
not the 50 people most likely to
kill themselves before trial.
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00:03:30,582 --> 00:03:33,621
I am on a career rocket ship
to Mars right now, Dan,
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00:03:33,622 --> 00:03:36,373
except I'm gonna leave Matt Damon
there because the guy made potatoes
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00:03:36,374 --> 00:03:38,355
in his own shit like a fucking animal.
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The whole point of the 50
Hottest is not to be on it.
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- You're number 26, Mr. Egan.
- Yeah, five years in a row now.
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It's to use it to learn who to fuck.
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Who?
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Find a woman who was on it
last year, but not this year.
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I mean, that's like a "make
her pay for dinner" situation.
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Does that work?
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00:03:51,219 --> 00:03:54,321
If you don't look like someone melted
Play-Doh all over a flagpole, it does.
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00:03:54,322 --> 00:03:58,352
Wow, you're a fantastic
campaign manager.
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00:03:58,353 --> 00:04:00,720
Yeah. Fucking Gary's number 21?
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00:04:00,721 --> 00:04:04,815
What? Well, that just makes a mockery
of the very idea of hot rankings.
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00:04:04,816 --> 00:04:06,862
Well, it makes sense.
He's got beautiful eyes.
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- There they are.
- Madam President.
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00:04:08,623 --> 00:04:10,414
- Hello, gentlemen.
- Children.
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All right, let's get to this.
Let's make it quick.
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Roger, you want to walk us
through the drill right now?
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00:04:13,869 --> 00:04:15,981
And would you please, please
try and keep it clean?
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Madam President, tomorrow night
is the president's annual
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00:04:18,637 --> 00:04:21,068
holiday party for congressional
members and their families.
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00:04:21,069 --> 00:04:22,923
Ma'am, you'll need to make
the initial approach.
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00:04:22,924 --> 00:04:24,491
Ben will keep the offer straight.
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00:04:24,492 --> 00:04:26,091
Kent will keep a running tally.
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00:04:26,091 --> 00:04:28,266
Tom, you'll be in charge
of putting out any fires.
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00:04:28,267 --> 00:04:30,250
And once you're all done
with them, I'll move in
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and squirt a half gallon of ropey jism
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00:04:32,331 --> 00:04:34,697
into their modeled
congressional cornholes.
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00:04:34,698 --> 00:04:38,952
Oh, you made it so far and
then you just...
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00:04:38,953 --> 00:04:41,703
Tom, do you have anything
that you would like to add?
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00:04:41,704 --> 00:04:44,616
No, Roger took my thing
about ropey jism.
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- Right.
- Thank you, Madam President.
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00:04:47,048 --> 00:04:49,325
And I will see you
tomorrow night, right, Tom?
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Indeed, yes.
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Okay.
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What's up?
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Dirty. Just dirty and shady.
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Door. Door.
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So?
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00:05:04,196 --> 00:05:06,275
What the fuck is Tom up to?
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00:05:06,276 --> 00:05:08,643
Why was he meeting with Purcell
at a Korean barbecue place?
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00:05:08,644 --> 00:05:11,491
- Marwood is the opposition.
- You think Tom is helping O'Brien?
132
00:05:11,492 --> 00:05:14,593
But what could O'Brien offer him that's
better than the vice presidency?
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Literally anything.
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00:05:16,066 --> 00:05:19,425
Oh! Tom wanted Secretary
of the Treasury.
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00:05:19,426 --> 00:05:21,888
I said no. Ah, fuck!
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00:05:21,889 --> 00:05:24,287
Ma'am, you just have to keep
nailing down those votes.
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00:05:24,288 --> 00:05:26,272
All right? 26 votes and it's over.
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00:05:26,272 --> 00:05:29,407
Okay, guys, we got to keep an
eye on Tom tomorrow night.
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00:05:29,408 --> 00:05:31,294
- Really.
- Yes, ma'am.
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00:05:41,309 --> 00:05:43,804
- Yes?
- I was just checking
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00:05:43,805 --> 00:05:45,979
to see if there was
another meeting about me.
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00:05:47,101 --> 00:05:48,250
Not today.
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00:05:50,140 --> 00:05:52,122
All right, the next
question is for Mr. Ryan.
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00:05:52,123 --> 00:05:54,202
Would you vote to raise
the debt ceiling?
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00:05:54,203 --> 00:05:56,442
Well, as the late, great
Lionel Richie once said,
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00:05:56,443 --> 00:05:59,898
"Oh, what a feeling, I am
dancing on the debt ceiling."
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00:05:59,899 --> 00:06:02,297
OKAY, A: Lionel Richie is not dead,
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00:06:02,298 --> 00:06:04,377
what the fuck
does that even mean?
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00:06:04,378 --> 00:06:05,784
New Hampshire loves my zingers.
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00:06:05,785 --> 00:06:08,408
It's my personality that
has gotten us this far.
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00:06:08,409 --> 00:06:11,479
No, I am the one who got us this far,
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you sentient enema.
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All right, Mrs. Sherman, same question.
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00:06:14,455 --> 00:06:16,502
I hereby solemnly promise to never vote
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00:06:16,503 --> 00:06:18,902
to raise the debt ceiling
without budgetary offsets.
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Lord knows I stick to my
grocery budget every week.
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Mother Mary dry humping a pillow.
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00:06:23,093 --> 00:06:24,724
That is what I call natural talent.
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00:06:24,725 --> 00:06:26,580
- What was your name again?
- Judy Sherman.
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00:06:26,581 --> 00:06:29,076
Oh, come on, Richard's only
winning because he gets to be
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00:06:29,077 --> 00:06:30,803
the easier person and I have to be me.
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00:06:30,804 --> 00:06:32,595
All right, Judy, pretend to be Jonah.
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00:06:32,596 --> 00:06:34,739
Richard's not gonna get the
subtleties of being...
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00:06:34,740 --> 00:06:37,938
Just shut the fuck up and move!
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00:06:37,939 --> 00:06:41,073
I'd have to agree with Mrs. Sherman
here on fiscal responsibility.
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00:06:41,074 --> 00:06:45,489
In fact, teacher, allow me to
present you with this apple.
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00:06:45,490 --> 00:06:48,688
Feel my dick. I am rock-hard
for you right now, mister.
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00:06:48,689 --> 00:06:49,904
You think I'm kidding. Feel it.
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00:06:49,905 --> 00:06:51,791
- Shit.
- What?
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00:06:51,792 --> 00:06:54,383
Local news stations are running
footage from the rally.
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00:06:54,384 --> 00:06:56,462
- You said Brattleboro.
- So?
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00:06:56,463 --> 00:06:58,931
So Brattleboro just
happens to be in Vermont.
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00:06:58,932 --> 00:06:59,854
Since when?
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00:06:59,855 --> 00:07:03,501
Granted, every town up here is just two dirty
piles of snow connected by a covered bridge,
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00:07:03,502 --> 00:07:06,413
but Jesus Christ, Jonah, you grew up
here. How do you not know this shit?
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00:07:06,414 --> 00:07:08,684
I don't know. Maybe I was supposed
to learn it in the second grade,
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00:07:08,685 --> 00:07:10,252
but my teacher was a fucking bitch.
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00:07:10,253 --> 00:07:11,692
Jonah, watch your language.
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00:07:11,693 --> 00:07:13,707
Well, obviously Ericsson
had trackers at the event.
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00:07:13,708 --> 00:07:15,386
Richard, who do we
have tracking the widow?
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00:07:15,387 --> 00:07:16,011
Nobody.
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00:07:16,012 --> 00:07:20,394
Then go out there and buy a camera
and videotape everything she does.
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00:07:20,395 --> 00:07:22,730
- Do you want 4k or 1080p?
- Just buy any fucking camera.
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00:07:22,730 --> 00:07:24,521
- Okay, I'm going.
- You and I have to talk.
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00:07:24,522 --> 00:07:26,697
If you were like 10% less black,
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00:07:26,698 --> 00:07:28,617
- I could make you president.
- Thank you.
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00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:32,840
No. No. No. That's... get it out.
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00:07:32,841 --> 00:07:36,103
We talked about this. The wife of
Congressman Platt designed it.
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00:07:36,104 --> 00:07:37,831
Does she know I'm not
the president of Cuba?
190
00:07:37,832 --> 00:07:40,742
Did you tell her that?
Are you wearing cologne?
191
00:07:40,743 --> 00:07:42,406
A little.
192
00:07:42,407 --> 00:07:44,933
Smells like birdseed.
193
00:07:44,934 --> 00:07:47,301
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, darling.
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00:07:47,302 --> 00:07:50,277
Hi, Marjorie. Don't you look...
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00:07:50,278 --> 00:07:52,197
- Strapping.
- ...strapping.
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00:07:52,198 --> 00:07:52,937
Thank you, ma'am.
197
00:07:52,938 --> 00:07:55,076
What's happening with
these tentacles here?
198
00:07:55,077 --> 00:07:58,179
Are they gonna get put
away or something?
199
00:07:58,180 --> 00:08:00,931
I have a question. I
need to know how you...
200
00:08:00,932 --> 00:08:03,522
gals want to play the whole gay thing.
201
00:08:03,523 --> 00:08:04,557
I'm sorry, I don't know...
202
00:08:04,558 --> 00:08:06,497
Mike has been getting
a bunch of questions
203
00:08:06,498 --> 00:08:08,929
and interview requests and, you
know, et cetera, et cetera.
204
00:08:08,930 --> 00:08:11,073
And I just don't know how
you want to handle that.
205
00:08:11,074 --> 00:08:14,624
Do you want to just play it like Ellen or
do you want to be more like Jodie Foster?
206
00:08:14,625 --> 00:08:16,640
Do you want to play it
more like a mystery?
207
00:08:16,641 --> 00:08:20,992
Uh, I think that we were kind of hoping
that we could keep things on the down-low.
208
00:08:20,993 --> 00:08:23,038
Okay, can you just speak
English, Catherine?
209
00:08:23,039 --> 00:08:24,510
'Cause I don't know what
you're trying to say.
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00:08:24,511 --> 00:08:26,334
Madam President, if it's
all the same to you,
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00:08:26,335 --> 00:08:29,150
we don't want our private
life to be politicized.
212
00:08:29,151 --> 00:08:31,741
Okay. I get that. I respect that.
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00:08:31,742 --> 00:08:33,436
We'll keep it under the gaydar.
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00:08:33,437 --> 00:08:35,611
- Thank you.
- So, great. I'll tell Mike.
215
00:08:37,277 --> 00:08:39,036
- Ladies and gentlemen...
- Here, take it.
216
00:08:39,037 --> 00:08:41,019
- ...the President of the United States.
- Thank you.
217
00:08:41,020 --> 00:08:43,642
Thank... would
you listen to this?
218
00:08:43,643 --> 00:08:46,426
Who doesn't love a cappella, right?
219
00:08:46,427 --> 00:08:50,009
It's like a magic trick 'cause there
are no instruments, of course.
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00:08:50,010 --> 00:08:52,569
Madam President, Tom James, 8:00.
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00:08:52,569 --> 00:08:54,456
Okay.
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00:08:56,538 --> 00:08:59,384
You mean 11:00? Over there?
223
00:08:59,385 --> 00:09:01,783
Seriously, can you really not tell time?
224
00:09:01,784 --> 00:09:04,151
Sorry, ma'am, I just
thought it meant close.
225
00:09:04,152 --> 00:09:05,303
- Ma'am?
- Yes.
226
00:09:05,304 --> 00:09:06,454
The fluffers have done their work.
227
00:09:06,455 --> 00:09:07,798
It's time for the orgy to begin.
228
00:09:07,799 --> 00:09:09,653
Okay, let's get that done.
229
00:09:09,654 --> 00:09:12,598
Oh, look, Catherine. You fixed
that there, didn't you?
230
00:09:12,598 --> 00:09:13,461
Yeah.
231
00:09:13,462 --> 00:09:16,053
Except it's still just a
rat's nest in the back.
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00:09:16,054 --> 00:09:18,772
It needs to pull... maybe
you can help her, Marjorie.
233
00:09:18,773 --> 00:09:20,372
Just pull it back, sweetheart.
234
00:09:20,373 --> 00:09:22,899
Oh, all my friends are here.
235
00:09:22,900 --> 00:09:24,883
- Madam President, hello.
- Merry Christmas.
236
00:09:24,884 --> 00:09:27,219
- Thank you so much for having us.
- Hello, Congressman Jaeger.
237
00:09:27,220 --> 00:09:29,394
- And this must be Mrs. Jaeger?
- That's not his wife.
238
00:09:29,395 --> 00:09:31,313
- Okay.
- This is one of my staffers, Nadia.
239
00:09:31,314 --> 00:09:33,201
- She's a prostitute.
- Hmm.
240
00:09:33,202 --> 00:09:36,880
Well, would you like a picture for
your friends and for your family?
241
00:09:36,881 --> 00:09:38,513
- Yes...
- We've got a...
242
00:09:38,514 --> 00:09:40,592
There we go. No.
243
00:09:40,593 --> 00:09:42,703
And I want to wish you
a merry Christmas.
244
00:09:42,704 --> 00:09:44,168
And I can count on
your support, can't I?
245
00:09:44,169 --> 00:09:45,167
100%. Merry Christmas.
246
00:09:45,168 --> 00:09:46,767
- Wonderful, thank you.
- And Happy New Year. Nadia, let's go.
247
00:09:46,768 --> 00:09:48,303
This is Congressman Baines from Arizona.
248
00:09:48,304 --> 00:09:49,582
He's solidly O'Brien.
249
00:09:49,583 --> 00:09:52,910
Oh, let's get a picture. There we go.
250
00:09:52,911 --> 00:09:55,598
And you're out of here. You can go.
251
00:09:55,599 --> 00:09:57,708
Catherine's 23 years old.
She's fair game.
252
00:09:57,709 --> 00:09:59,980
Maybe you ride the pine on
this one for a period or two.
253
00:09:59,981 --> 00:10:02,892
- Please?
- All right, I'll talk to everyone.
254
00:10:02,892 --> 00:10:05,163
- I owe you.
- I mean, I'd hate to be offsides.
255
00:10:05,164 --> 00:10:07,498
- What?
- You know, hockey.
256
00:10:07,499 --> 00:10:10,347
Hockey. Great sport. Thank you.
257
00:10:10,348 --> 00:10:12,554
Mike, are you dating a
hockey player by any chance?
258
00:10:12,555 --> 00:10:15,593
You noticed the hockey references?
Shit, I thought they were seamless.
259
00:10:15,594 --> 00:10:18,921
Listen, you can't say a word,
but our surrogate is pregnant
260
00:10:18,922 --> 00:10:20,872
and I've been talking
to somebody in the NHL
261
00:10:20,873 --> 00:10:23,336
about a job as director
of communications.
262
00:10:23,337 --> 00:10:26,599
So win or lose, I'm out of here.
263
00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:28,775
Well, let me get my good-byes
out of the way now.
264
00:10:28,776 --> 00:10:32,037
Congressman, the president would love to
have a clutch with you in the Green Room.
265
00:10:32,038 --> 00:10:33,798
- Oh, of course.
- Great.
266
00:10:33,799 --> 00:10:35,621
- Hey.
- Hi.
267
00:10:35,622 --> 00:10:37,157
Carson City, Nevada.
268
00:10:37,158 --> 00:10:38,885
Ah, Buddy Calhoun
269
00:10:38,886 --> 00:10:40,324
in a tie that's not made out of string.
270
00:10:40,325 --> 00:10:41,732
You're the only woman
who's ever threatened
271
00:10:41,733 --> 00:10:43,748
to grate my balls over
a bowl of spaghetti.
272
00:10:43,749 --> 00:10:46,820
- Night's still young. Knock yourself out.
- Well, yeah.
273
00:10:46,821 --> 00:10:51,746
Madam President, we are looking to
build a 9/11 memorial in Bozeman.
274
00:10:51,747 --> 00:10:54,051
That sounds superb.
275
00:10:54,052 --> 00:10:56,066
Wonderful, because, you
know, never forget.
276
00:10:56,067 --> 00:10:57,377
- That's right.
- Always remember.
277
00:10:57,378 --> 00:10:59,553
But can you remind me
exactly what happened
278
00:10:59,554 --> 00:11:01,505
in Bozeman on 9/11?
279
00:11:01,506 --> 00:11:04,288
This is mainly focused
on our first responders.
280
00:11:04,289 --> 00:11:05,665
Oh, that's so important.
281
00:11:05,666 --> 00:11:07,967
Our first responders were
terribly traumatized
282
00:11:07,968 --> 00:11:10,751
by what happened to the first
responders in New York.
283
00:11:10,752 --> 00:11:13,087
Yeah, I get that. That's, uh...
284
00:11:13,088 --> 00:11:15,774
- Wow.
- That's... wow. Yeah, Ben.
285
00:11:15,775 --> 00:11:17,630
You know, I am sure there
is a little something
286
00:11:17,631 --> 00:11:20,893
we can find somewhere for
such a great project, sir.
287
00:11:20,894 --> 00:11:22,398
Roger, what do you think?
288
00:11:22,399 --> 00:11:24,188
Oh, I'm sure we can just
slip it under the skirt
289
00:11:24,189 --> 00:11:26,524
of the Homeland Security budget.
Tell him why, Will.
290
00:11:26,525 --> 00:11:30,972
The budget has a fatter, more
womanly behind than myself.
291
00:11:30,973 --> 00:11:33,178
Excuse me. Aren't you Gary Walsh?
292
00:11:33,179 --> 00:11:35,354
- What did I do?
- You've got to come meet my daughter.
293
00:11:35,355 --> 00:11:37,242
- She saw you in "The Hill."
- Oh.
294
00:11:37,243 --> 00:11:39,738
She's single, divorced, has a kid.
295
00:11:39,739 --> 00:11:42,169
- But he's really a sweetheart.
- Oh, how nice.
296
00:11:42,170 --> 00:11:44,280
God, I feel like somebody's
playing a trick on him.
297
00:11:44,281 --> 00:11:47,160
They're about to dump a bucket
of pig's blood on his head.
298
00:11:48,793 --> 00:11:50,647
- You having a good time, Amy?
- Eh.
299
00:11:50,648 --> 00:11:53,015
Can't believe how many compliments
I'm getting about the hot list.
300
00:11:53,511 --> 00:11:54,999
Don't people around here
have anything better
301
00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:56,727
to talk about than the stupid hot list?
302
00:11:56,728 --> 00:11:58,870
- Amy, do you want some advice?
- Definitely not.
303
00:11:58,871 --> 00:12:01,877
Listen, don't worry so much
about what's up here, okay?
304
00:12:01,878 --> 00:12:04,501
Worry about what's in here.
And if you work at that,
305
00:12:04,502 --> 00:12:06,356
I'm telling you, you're gonna
be back on the hot list, Amy.
306
00:12:06,357 --> 00:12:08,788
I'm not saying you're
gonna be in the top 20,
307
00:12:08,789 --> 00:12:11,292
but you would be a
lock for, like, mid 40s.
308
00:12:11,293 --> 00:12:12,211
Thank you.
309
00:12:12,212 --> 00:12:16,914
Look at him, he's smiling like his
shit's all pine-fresh smelling.
310
00:12:16,915 --> 00:12:18,354
Oh, okay.
311
00:12:18,355 --> 00:12:19,826
- What are you doing?
- What?
312
00:12:19,827 --> 00:12:21,170
You're looking at
yourself in the mirror?
313
00:12:21,171 --> 00:12:24,305
- You look wonderful.
- Yeah.
314
00:12:24,306 --> 00:12:25,713
Madam President.
315
00:12:25,713 --> 00:12:27,376
This is Connie DiBenedetto of Oregon.
316
00:12:27,377 --> 00:12:29,200
She's the chairman of the
Gay and Lesbian Caucus.
317
00:12:29,201 --> 00:12:32,271
Actually, she's the only member
of the Gay and Lesbian Caucus.
318
00:12:32,272 --> 00:12:34,895
I'd like to take just
a moment of your time
319
00:12:34,896 --> 00:12:37,199
to talk to you about your
environmental policy.
320
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:38,927
Oh, yes. Uh-huh.
321
00:12:38,928 --> 00:12:40,846
- I know it's politically risky...
- Come this way.
322
00:12:40,847 --> 00:12:43,566
...but, you know, a carbon
tax is the only way to go.
323
00:12:43,567 --> 00:12:45,357
- Yeah, you've met my daughter Catherine?
- No.
324
00:12:45,358 --> 00:12:47,437
And this is her special friend Marjorie.
325
00:12:47,438 --> 00:12:49,037
I want to get a picture of all of us.
326
00:12:49,038 --> 00:12:50,796
No, Mom, we don't want
to take any photos.
327
00:12:50,797 --> 00:12:52,716
Sure, we do. We're dying to do that.
328
00:12:52,717 --> 00:12:54,540
So, here we go right here.
329
00:12:54,541 --> 00:12:55,819
Let's all say girl power.
330
00:12:55,820 --> 00:12:57,516
- Girl power.
- Girl power.
331
00:12:57,517 --> 00:12:59,562
Listen, I wish I was hip enough
to hang here with you all,
332
00:12:59,563 --> 00:13:01,386
- but I've got to go deal with...
- You're a busy girl.
333
00:13:01,387 --> 00:13:03,242
- Tell Liz I love her.
- Oh, I will.
334
00:13:03,243 --> 00:13:05,257
- Okay. Okay. Bye-bye.
- She'll love that. Bye.
335
00:13:08,393 --> 00:13:10,601
- The Brandeis Chigh-notes.
- Hmm.
336
00:13:10,602 --> 00:13:12,680
Tonight we've got the
bowling alley appearance
337
00:13:12,681 --> 00:13:14,312
and we can't have any more gaffes.
338
00:13:14,313 --> 00:13:15,815
I got it! I got it!
339
00:13:15,816 --> 00:13:17,735
The widow saw me filming
her and she got mad.
340
00:13:17,736 --> 00:13:19,463
She called me some truly awful things.
341
00:13:19,464 --> 00:13:22,727
- Oh, thank you, Satan.
- I think this is a game changer.
342
00:13:25,351 --> 00:13:27,332
Thank you all so much for coming.
343
00:13:28,839 --> 00:13:32,069
Oh, my God, I got it.
I think I got it!
344
00:13:32,070 --> 00:13:33,700
You know, I think I see
what happened there.
345
00:13:33,700 --> 00:13:35,652
Richard, you good boy.
346
00:13:35,653 --> 00:13:39,267
I went to turn it on, but it was
already on, so I turned it off.
347
00:13:39,268 --> 00:13:42,466
Then I went to turn it off, but it
already was off, so I turned it on.
348
00:13:42,467 --> 00:13:45,410
I had such plans
for you, Richard.
349
00:13:45,411 --> 00:13:48,290
Congressman Baxter, I
completely believe you
350
00:13:48,291 --> 00:13:50,753
about the whole men's room incident.
351
00:13:50,754 --> 00:13:52,417
It sounded very plausible to me.
352
00:13:52,418 --> 00:13:54,272
So I want to also wish
you a merry Christmas.
353
00:13:54,273 --> 00:13:57,344
- Thank you so much.
- This is Paul Graves, purple state.
354
00:13:57,345 --> 00:13:59,583
- He could go either way.
- Like Baxter.
355
00:13:59,584 --> 00:14:02,494
I didn't know Jim Owens
was working for Graves.
356
00:14:02,495 --> 00:14:06,078
Yeah. Oh, man, that was
your one work friend.
357
00:14:06,079 --> 00:14:09,150
Yeah, he wouldn't return my
calls after POTUS fired him.
358
00:14:09,151 --> 00:14:10,877
Oh, come on. It's been a long time.
Go talk to him.
359
00:14:10,878 --> 00:14:12,509
- I can't. I can't.
- Mike.
360
00:14:12,510 --> 00:14:14,557
Madam President, everyone
knows I'm no fan of O'Brien,
361
00:14:14,558 --> 00:14:17,884
but if I'm gonna cross party lines
in order to hand you the presidency,
362
00:14:17,885 --> 00:14:19,484
I'm gonna need something big.
363
00:14:19,484 --> 00:14:20,795
Okay, how big?
364
00:14:20,796 --> 00:14:24,922
Why don't we go with Secretary of State?
365
00:14:24,923 --> 00:14:28,154
Well, at least we know you
don't need big balls.
366
00:14:28,154 --> 00:14:30,234
- Got large stones for sure.
- Right?
367
00:14:30,235 --> 00:14:33,048
I think it's something
368
00:14:33,049 --> 00:14:34,776
we might be able to accommodate.
369
00:14:34,777 --> 00:14:37,272
- Excellent. Then, Madam President...
- Yes?
370
00:14:37,273 --> 00:14:39,928
- ...you have my support.
- Oh, that's what I wanted to hear.
371
00:14:39,929 --> 00:14:42,359
Thank you so much, Congressman.
372
00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:45,047
Hey, enjoy the party, okay? Have fun.
373
00:14:45,048 --> 00:14:47,223
Ooh, we got Graves.
374
00:14:47,224 --> 00:14:49,878
- That was fantastic.
- I know it.
375
00:14:49,879 --> 00:14:52,245
Oh, what about Doyle?
You promised him State.
376
00:14:52,246 --> 00:14:54,741
- He knows I don't keep my promises.
- He should know by now.
377
00:14:54,742 --> 00:14:57,621
Oh, I love your district.
378
00:14:57,622 --> 00:14:59,604
And I love your district.
379
00:14:59,605 --> 00:15:01,843
I love them both.
380
00:15:01,844 --> 00:15:03,219
- Hey, where have you been?
- What?
381
00:15:03,220 --> 00:15:04,820
Turns out Nickerson
is back on the fence.
382
00:15:04,821 --> 00:15:07,570
She said she never fully agreed
to endorse you or support you.
383
00:15:07,571 --> 00:15:10,706
And I said maybe you'd remember better if
I fuck your brain through your ear hole.
384
00:15:10,707 --> 00:15:12,913
- Then what did she say, Will?
- She's pretty furious about it, sir.
385
00:15:12,914 --> 00:15:15,570
- Ben, you got to...
- I'm on it.
386
00:15:15,571 --> 00:15:18,128
Why is Tom over there
chatting it up with Jaeger?
387
00:15:18,129 --> 00:15:19,888
- I don't know. I'll handle it.
- No, no.
388
00:15:19,889 --> 00:15:23,344
I don't need your subtle charm on this.
389
00:15:23,345 --> 00:15:25,423
Bill, hi.
390
00:15:25,424 --> 00:15:28,143
Just wanted to reconfirm that I
can still count on your vote.
391
00:15:28,144 --> 00:15:31,246
Actually, Madam President, I've been
doing quite a bit of soul searching
392
00:15:31,247 --> 00:15:33,485
and I'm afraid I need to
listen to my conscience.
393
00:15:33,486 --> 00:15:36,077
Conscience? What the fuck
are you talking about?
394
00:15:36,078 --> 00:15:38,797
After much prayerful consideration,
I have decided to abstain
395
00:15:38,798 --> 00:15:41,581
from the upcoming congressional
tie-breaking vote in Congress.
396
00:15:41,582 --> 00:15:43,756
- Abstain?
- Yes, ma'am.
397
00:15:43,757 --> 00:15:46,251
But then no one wins, you dumbass.
398
00:15:46,252 --> 00:15:48,043
I was warned that you would
say some hurtful things.
399
00:15:48,044 --> 00:15:51,018
Okay, hold on. Let me see if I
can just explain this to you
400
00:15:51,019 --> 00:15:53,130
in terms that you might
understand, okay?
401
00:15:53,131 --> 00:15:57,513
Let's say that your chief of staff...
Nadia, is it?
402
00:15:57,514 --> 00:15:59,688
- That's...
- Okay, and she's down on her knees
403
00:15:59,689 --> 00:16:03,112
and she's got your balls in her hand
404
00:16:03,113 --> 00:16:06,120
and she's working your shaft
just the way you like it.
405
00:16:06,121 --> 00:16:09,542
And moments before you're about to come
406
00:16:09,543 --> 00:16:12,807
all over her stupid Slavic face,
407
00:16:12,808 --> 00:16:17,062
she says, "Nyet, after much
prayerful consideration,
408
00:16:17,063 --> 00:16:21,317
I have to abstain from
the upcoming blowjob."
409
00:16:21,317 --> 00:16:23,621
Are you Nadia in this situation?
410
00:16:23,622 --> 00:16:26,819
Just get out of my sight. Oh, God, fuck.
411
00:16:26,820 --> 00:16:30,244
- Okay.
- Let me guess, Jaeger's abstaining.
412
00:16:30,245 --> 00:16:31,747
- Yeah.
- Nickerson, too.
413
00:16:31,748 --> 00:16:33,858
Tom's not lobbying votes for O'Brien.
414
00:16:33,859 --> 00:16:35,618
He's asking people to abstain.
415
00:16:35,619 --> 00:16:36,834
What the fuck is happening?
416
00:16:36,835 --> 00:16:38,689
If no one gets a majority in the House,
417
00:16:38,690 --> 00:16:40,929
the vote goes to the Senate. I
explained this on election night.
418
00:16:40,930 --> 00:16:43,008
- I wasn't listening.
- Yeah, but obviously Tom was.
419
00:16:43,009 --> 00:16:46,112
Tom James is an acknowledged master
of the Senate's rules and procedures.
420
00:16:46,113 --> 00:16:49,216
So if it's up to the Senate,
Tom is our next president.
421
00:16:49,217 --> 00:16:52,191
Well, he must be stopped.
422
00:16:52,191 --> 00:16:53,887
Is it too late to get Doyle back?
423
00:16:53,888 --> 00:16:55,903
- We forgot to invite him tonight.
- Okay.
424
00:16:55,904 --> 00:16:57,790
- That's great.
- Tom!
425
00:16:57,791 --> 00:16:58,421
Ma'am.
426
00:16:58,422 --> 00:17:00,317
Congressman Griffin. Mrs.
Griffin. How are you?
427
00:17:00,318 --> 00:17:02,141
- I'm very well, thank you, ma'am.
- Good.
428
00:17:02,142 --> 00:17:05,885
I've been watching you all night
and I know what you're up to.
429
00:17:05,886 --> 00:17:06,676
Oh?
430
00:17:06,677 --> 00:17:09,051
You're trying to get up the
courage to ask me to dance.
431
00:17:09,052 --> 00:17:11,195
Guilty.
432
00:17:11,196 --> 00:17:13,403
Ma'am, I would be honored.
433
00:17:13,404 --> 00:17:15,291
Oh, thank you.
434
00:17:15,292 --> 00:17:17,242
Oh.
435
00:17:17,243 --> 00:17:19,450
- Thank you. Hey.
- Hey.
436
00:17:19,451 --> 00:17:20,921
- How are you?
- He asked.
437
00:17:20,922 --> 00:17:24,409
- Thank you. Thank you.
- He asked me.
438
00:17:24,410 --> 00:17:27,800
I think all this meeting and greeting
has really made me work up an appetite.
439
00:17:27,801 --> 00:17:28,344
I'm starving.
440
00:17:28,345 --> 00:17:29,976
Yeah, you never get the
chance to eat at these things.
441
00:17:29,977 --> 00:17:32,472
Never. You know what I
really have a hankering for?
442
00:17:32,473 --> 00:17:34,839
- What's that?
- Korean barbecue.
443
00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:37,334
- Do you like Korean barbecue?
- It's okay.
444
00:17:37,335 --> 00:17:39,607
There's this great place
that I heard about.
445
00:17:39,608 --> 00:17:42,901
It's in Annandale. What is the name
of it? I'm trying to remember.
446
00:17:42,902 --> 00:17:45,813
Oh, right, right. Um...
447
00:17:45,814 --> 00:17:48,628
the Cocksucking Backstabber.
448
00:17:50,037 --> 00:17:52,884
Oh, keep dancing, Tom.
Don't stop dancing.
449
00:17:52,885 --> 00:17:55,443
Don't look around.
Nobody's gonna help you.
450
00:17:55,444 --> 00:17:58,035
No, no. Right. Ma'am, let me explain.
451
00:17:58,036 --> 00:18:00,273
What... what... what that...
I think you're referring...
452
00:18:00,274 --> 00:18:03,794
You know what? I think maybe we
should go and talk in private.
453
00:18:03,795 --> 00:18:05,714
That's perfect timing, isn't it? Yeah?
454
00:18:05,715 --> 00:18:07,025
Yes.
455
00:18:07,026 --> 00:18:08,464
- Thank you for your support.
- Thank you.
456
00:18:08,465 --> 00:18:10,096
- Thank you all.
- Thank you so much.
457
00:18:10,097 --> 00:18:12,080
- So nice to see you all.
- Come. You can't get away.
458
00:18:12,081 --> 00:18:14,256
- Let's go. Yeah.
- Okay. All right.
459
00:18:14,257 --> 00:18:15,791
- Right, we're gonna do it.
- Thank you.
460
00:18:15,792 --> 00:18:18,351
How stupid are you, you
motherfucking snake?
461
00:18:18,352 --> 00:18:20,814
I know all about your meeting
with Marwood and Purcell.
462
00:18:20,815 --> 00:18:23,182
I know all about how
you're trying to fuck me
463
00:18:23,183 --> 00:18:26,061
with that abstinence program of yours.
464
00:18:26,062 --> 00:18:28,364
Underneath this whole honorable,
465
00:18:28,365 --> 00:18:31,052
decent, wholesome Boy
Scout crap of yours,
466
00:18:31,053 --> 00:18:33,357
I know exactly who you are.
467
00:18:33,358 --> 00:18:34,668
- Oh, you do?
- Yes, I do.
468
00:18:34,669 --> 00:18:36,588
Right, so I don't have to explain
469
00:18:36,589 --> 00:18:39,755
that I am not someone who
would piss away my presidency
470
00:18:39,756 --> 00:18:41,675
- on a bunch of half-ass decisions.
- What?
471
00:18:41,676 --> 00:18:44,777
And, by the way, by messing
around with that pretty boy
472
00:18:44,778 --> 00:18:46,634
Charlie Baird, for God's sake.
473
00:18:46,635 --> 00:18:49,993
What? Charlie Baird? What does Charlie
Baird have to do with any of this?
474
00:18:49,994 --> 00:18:52,200
I don't know. He's got
nothing to do with it.
475
00:18:52,201 --> 00:18:54,504
- Oh, my God, you're such a liar!
- The point is he...
476
00:18:54,505 --> 00:18:58,375
You're such a liar! Why did you even
join my ticket in the first place?
477
00:18:58,376 --> 00:19:01,958
Because I happen to believe in
something called public service.
478
00:19:01,959 --> 00:19:04,550
- Oh, bullshit!
- Okay, well, then I got no fucking idea.
479
00:19:04,551 --> 00:19:06,278
- I'll tell you why.
- Go ahead.
480
00:19:06,279 --> 00:19:08,901
Because you wanted to be a
step closer to the presidency
481
00:19:08,902 --> 00:19:10,757
and to me.
482
00:19:10,758 --> 00:19:11,492
Oh, my God.
483
00:19:11,493 --> 00:19:13,701
You wanted it so bad,
you could taste it.
484
00:19:13,702 --> 00:19:15,620
This is unbelievable. Please.
485
00:19:15,621 --> 00:19:19,203
You are lying now just
like you lied back then
486
00:19:19,204 --> 00:19:23,267
just like you lied about that night
in the cab with the green shoes.
487
00:19:23,268 --> 00:19:25,793
Oh, well, now I got no idea
what you're talking about.
488
00:19:25,794 --> 00:19:27,065
Yeah, you know exactly
what I'm talking about.
489
00:19:27,066 --> 00:19:27,554
No.
490
00:19:27,555 --> 00:19:29,089
You remembered the green
shoes that night,
491
00:19:29,090 --> 00:19:31,394
but not the fact that
you wanted to fuck me?
492
00:19:31,395 --> 00:19:33,089
Come on. Come on.
493
00:19:33,090 --> 00:19:35,552
No straight man remembers
a woman's shoes.
494
00:19:35,553 --> 00:19:37,632
Well, you got me. I'm gay, so...
495
00:19:37,633 --> 00:19:41,696
Just admit it. Just say the
truth for once in your life.
496
00:19:41,697 --> 00:19:44,479
Come on, Tom. You wanted
to fuck me that night.
497
00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:46,078
- Just say it.
- Will you stop it?!
498
00:19:46,079 --> 00:19:48,478
Just say it. You wanted
to fuck my brains out.
499
00:19:48,479 --> 00:19:50,302
All right, I wanted to
fuck your brains out!
500
00:19:50,302 --> 00:19:52,797
There you go. And now you're
trying to fuck me tonight.
501
00:19:52,798 --> 00:19:56,379
- No, I am fucking you tonight.
- I'm gonna fuck you.
502
00:20:03,004 --> 00:20:06,331
I mean, if I never see the White
House again, it'll be too soon.
503
00:20:06,332 --> 00:20:08,186
It's funny, you know. I love my job.
504
00:20:08,187 --> 00:20:10,265
I've been working for Congressman
Furlong since I was 15.
505
00:20:10,266 --> 00:20:12,473
- Oh.
- Mike, where's the president?
506
00:20:12,474 --> 00:20:14,201
- And where's Tom?
- I don't know.
507
00:20:14,202 --> 00:20:17,880
- What, are you drunk?
- Maybe, Mr. Hipflask.
508
00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:19,928
Listen, I'm a high functioning alcoholic
509
00:20:19,929 --> 00:20:22,934
and you're a sloppy weekend drunk.
Now get with it.
510
00:20:24,472 --> 00:20:27,125
Ma'am?
511
00:20:46,612 --> 00:20:48,627
Hi. Jonah Ryan. Thanks
for coming out tonight.
512
00:20:48,628 --> 00:20:50,995
Let me know if you have any questions.
Hi. Jonah Ryan.
513
00:20:50,996 --> 00:20:52,978
Running for Congress and I hope
I can count on your support.
514
00:20:52,979 --> 00:20:55,825
This is my boss Polly. She's gonna
be showing me the ropes today.
515
00:20:55,826 --> 00:20:57,553
Oh, Polly, look at this.
516
00:20:57,554 --> 00:20:59,121
Big shoes. You know
what that means, right?
517
00:20:59,122 --> 00:21:00,784
Uh, big feet?
518
00:21:00,785 --> 00:21:02,608
Can't argue with that. Maybe
you should run for Congress.
519
00:21:02,609 --> 00:21:04,528
- Your name is Jonah, right?
- Yeah.
520
00:21:04,529 --> 00:21:07,086
So why does your shirt say Jon H Ryan?
521
00:21:08,593 --> 00:21:09,614
Fuck.
522
00:21:09,615 --> 00:21:11,918
This is good. This is working.
523
00:21:11,919 --> 00:21:13,774
Oh, bowling alley's
always a good choice.
524
00:21:13,775 --> 00:21:16,014
I mean, skating rink's
good for a male candidate,
525
00:21:16,015 --> 00:21:18,573
but it's cold and gals tend to nip out.
526
00:21:18,574 --> 00:21:21,069
- Hi, I'm Jo...
- Hey, Jonah.
527
00:21:21,070 --> 00:21:23,948
Could I get a child size 12, please?
528
00:21:25,133 --> 00:21:26,827
What are you doing here, Teddy?
529
00:21:26,828 --> 00:21:28,523
I'm looking forward to some bowling.
530
00:21:28,524 --> 00:21:31,242
Although pocket pool is more my game.
531
00:21:31,243 --> 00:21:32,971
You listen to me, you fucking weirdo.
532
00:21:32,971 --> 00:21:36,713
I was a victim, but I am not
gonna let you define me.
533
00:21:36,714 --> 00:21:38,313
Nice blog, Mary.
534
00:21:38,314 --> 00:21:40,169
You know what? People like you,
535
00:21:40,169 --> 00:21:43,433
you look like us, but there's
a little piece missing.
536
00:21:43,434 --> 00:21:45,127
You're like a different species
537
00:21:45,128 --> 00:21:47,399
and one that I hope gets
struck from the Earth
538
00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:51,271
because you're a bully and Jonah
Ryan stands up to bullies.
539
00:21:51,272 --> 00:21:53,574
Yes. Yes, he does.
540
00:21:53,575 --> 00:21:56,646
Thank you. Yeah. Yeah,
this is a no haters alley.
541
00:21:56,646 --> 00:21:59,718
Okay, you and Boo-Boo the
ball-fondling bear here
542
00:21:59,719 --> 00:22:01,221
have exactly two seconds
to get the fuck out.
543
00:22:01,222 --> 00:22:03,045
Our work is done here.
Tell Selina hello.
544
00:22:03,046 --> 00:22:04,644
Yeah, great place for an event, Dan.
545
00:22:04,645 --> 00:22:07,044
The teenager selling cocaine in
the bathroom thought so, too.
546
00:22:07,045 --> 00:22:09,634
- Hey.
- Oh, looking good, 26.
547
00:22:12,099 --> 00:22:13,218
Hi, all.
548
00:22:13,219 --> 00:22:14,403
Ma'am, have you seen Tom?
549
00:22:14,404 --> 00:22:15,459
- Couple times.
- Good.
550
00:22:15,460 --> 00:22:17,026
I need Nickerson, I need Jaeger,
551
00:22:17,027 --> 00:22:18,209
'cause we're gonna finish this.
552
00:22:18,210 --> 00:22:20,321
- Okay, walk this way.
- Yeah.
553
00:22:23,106 --> 00:22:24,769
Gotcha!
554
00:22:24,770 --> 00:22:26,209
- Hi.
- Hi.
555
00:22:26,210 --> 00:22:28,415
Can I have a few minutes of
your time in the Green Room?
556
00:22:28,416 --> 00:22:30,368
The Green Room? That sounds historic.
557
00:22:30,369 --> 00:22:32,448
Oh, it is. It's where Woodrow Wilson
558
00:22:32,449 --> 00:22:34,335
had some of his most
significant strokes.
559
00:22:34,336 --> 00:22:35,966
- Really?
- Yeah.
560
00:22:35,967 --> 00:22:38,430
- Hey, buddy. Hey. Been a while.
- Mike.
561
00:22:38,431 --> 00:22:40,862
Look, about how things went
down at the end, I am so sorry.
562
00:22:40,863 --> 00:22:43,262
I should thank you 'cause
it was a wake-up call
563
00:22:43,263 --> 00:22:45,789
for me to get out of the
insanity of DC politics.
564
00:22:45,790 --> 00:22:48,892
Amen to that, brother. This place sucks.
565
00:22:48,893 --> 00:22:51,964
Listen, I have lined up a
sweet private sector gig.
566
00:22:51,965 --> 00:22:54,842
Oh? On the QT, I got
something in the works, too.
567
00:22:54,843 --> 00:22:58,299
I am the new director of
communications for the NHL.
568
00:22:58,299 --> 00:23:01,721
- You got the hockey job. Perfect.
- Where are you headed?
569
00:23:01,722 --> 00:23:05,945
I'm going to CL International Time.
570
00:23:05,946 --> 00:23:07,609
- That sounds great.
- Mmm, big.
571
00:23:07,610 --> 00:23:09,209
Listen, any time you want Caps tickets,
572
00:23:09,210 --> 00:23:10,967
you hit me up, buddy, all right?
573
00:23:10,968 --> 00:23:12,567
And if you ever need
anything international.
574
00:23:12,568 --> 00:23:14,007
- And congratulations.
- You, too.
575
00:23:14,008 --> 00:23:16,407
- Mazel. Yeah.
- Good luck.
576
00:23:16,408 --> 00:23:18,039
Fuck.
577
00:23:18,040 --> 00:23:19,382
If you think that you are getting
578
00:23:19,383 --> 00:23:21,974
those worthless toy boats now,
579
00:23:21,974 --> 00:23:23,797
I'm gonna shut down those factories
580
00:23:23,798 --> 00:23:26,198
faster than you can bedazzle
a fucking sweatshirt.
581
00:23:26,199 --> 00:23:29,364
- Let's cut the shit, Selina.
- Oh, here it is.
582
00:23:29,365 --> 00:23:31,540
All roads through Colorado go through me
583
00:23:31,541 --> 00:23:33,427
and the toll just went up.
584
00:23:33,428 --> 00:23:35,506
You're playing a very
dangerous game of chicken
585
00:23:35,507 --> 00:23:36,978
with the head fucking hen.
586
00:23:36,979 --> 00:23:38,898
'Cause if I don't win the White House,
587
00:23:38,899 --> 00:23:41,746
O'Brien is gonna sink your stupid boats
588
00:23:41,747 --> 00:23:43,954
and you're gonna look like
a hair-sprayed asshole
589
00:23:43,955 --> 00:23:46,001
in your 1980s mother-of-the-bride dress.
590
00:23:46,002 --> 00:23:49,137
And if I do win, I will
have my administration
591
00:23:49,138 --> 00:23:50,929
come to your shitty little district
592
00:23:50,930 --> 00:23:53,776
and shake it to death
like a Guatemalan nanny.
593
00:23:53,777 --> 00:23:57,647
And then I'm gonna have
the IRS crawl so far up
594
00:23:57,648 --> 00:24:00,623
your husband's colon, he's gonna wish
595
00:24:00,624 --> 00:24:03,662
the only thing they find is more cancer.
596
00:24:03,663 --> 00:24:04,813
Good God.
597
00:24:04,814 --> 00:24:07,726
So can I count on your vote?
598
00:24:07,727 --> 00:24:10,093
Or do I need to shove a
box of White House M&Ms
599
00:24:10,094 --> 00:24:12,620
up your stretched-out, six-baby vag?
600
00:24:14,445 --> 00:24:16,172
Yes, you can count on my vote.
601
00:24:16,172 --> 00:24:18,220
I think I want to hear
602
00:24:18,221 --> 00:24:21,163
an okey-dokey, Annie Oakley.
603
00:24:21,164 --> 00:24:23,498
Okey-dokey, Annie Oakley.
604
00:24:23,499 --> 00:24:25,066
Oh, super-duper, trooper.
605
00:24:25,067 --> 00:24:27,465
Now get the fuck out of
here, Congresswoman.
606
00:24:27,466 --> 00:24:29,513
Merry Christmas, Amy.
607
00:24:29,514 --> 00:24:33,161
Oh, Candi Caruso is who you are.
608
00:24:33,162 --> 00:24:36,775
I'm surprised to see you here
after what happened in Nevada.
609
00:24:36,776 --> 00:24:40,231
"Nev-add-a." I told POTUS that
there are other qualified people
610
00:24:40,232 --> 00:24:43,815
out there for special advisor, but she
insisted she couldn't think of any, so...
611
00:24:43,816 --> 00:24:46,150
- Oh. Guess what.
- Hmm?
612
00:24:46,151 --> 00:24:48,998
- I am engaged. Mm-hmm.
- Wow!
613
00:24:48,999 --> 00:24:50,821
Who's... who... to whom?
614
00:24:50,822 --> 00:24:53,508
Gary Welsh. You know, Gary Welsh.
615
00:24:53,509 --> 00:24:55,365
- Gary Welsh? Oh!
- Gary Welsh at State.
616
00:24:55,365 --> 00:24:58,147
He was supposed to be on this
50 Hottest thing that I'm in,
617
00:24:58,148 --> 00:25:00,579
but they got his name wrong.
They spelled it incorrectly.
618
00:25:00,580 --> 00:25:04,514
Turns out there's an actual guy by
that name. They put him in instead.
619
00:25:04,515 --> 00:25:06,627
- That's just a bad thing.
- Terrible. Terrible.
620
00:25:06,628 --> 00:25:08,962
I'm sorry to hear that,
but happy for you.
621
00:25:08,963 --> 00:25:11,297
- Oh! Thank you.
- All that.
622
00:25:11,298 --> 00:25:14,689
Yeah, okay. Uh-oh, President
of the United States needs me.
623
00:25:14,690 --> 00:25:17,088
- So...
- Mmm, yeah.
624
00:25:17,089 --> 00:25:19,679
Take care.
625
00:25:19,680 --> 00:25:22,527
Hey, Opie, grab your coonskin
cap and let's get out of here.
626
00:25:22,528 --> 00:25:24,959
Oh, okay.
627
00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:26,975
- It wasn't you.
- What?
628
00:25:26,976 --> 00:25:30,781
You're not hot. Gary Welsh at State is.
You're a typo.
629
00:25:30,782 --> 00:25:33,597
But like you said, it's not
up here, it's what's in here.
630
00:25:35,742 --> 00:25:38,203
And won't you give my
regards to your wife?
631
00:25:38,204 --> 00:25:39,163
Yes, ma'am.
632
00:25:39,164 --> 00:25:41,660
She's the head of the Red Cross
in Racine, did you know that?
633
00:25:41,661 --> 00:25:42,139
She's a saint.
634
00:25:42,140 --> 00:25:43,580
You can count on my
vote, Madam President.
635
00:25:43,580 --> 00:25:45,371
- That is a promise.
- Oh, yes, it is a promise.
636
00:25:45,372 --> 00:25:47,258
- Yes. Go. Turn, go.
- Mm-hmm.
637
00:25:47,259 --> 00:25:49,658
Well, ah, I guess this party
638
00:25:49,659 --> 00:25:52,538
is officially now over.
So how did we do?
639
00:25:52,539 --> 00:25:56,025
We're about the same place we were at
the beginning of the ball plus Graves.
640
00:25:56,026 --> 00:25:58,872
We could have secured Platt, but he never
got the picture with his wife's purse.
641
00:25:58,873 --> 00:26:00,888
I just hope things are going
good in New Hampshire.
642
00:26:00,889 --> 00:26:03,191
Good evening. We begin
with some shocking footage
643
00:26:03,192 --> 00:26:05,303
of congressional candidate Jonah Ryan
644
00:26:05,304 --> 00:26:07,383
all captured on amateur video.
645
00:26:07,384 --> 00:26:08,759
We do have to warn you, though,
646
00:26:08,760 --> 00:26:11,509
Ryan's language is extremely graphic.
647
00:26:11,510 --> 00:26:13,589
People like you, you look like us,
648
00:26:13,590 --> 00:26:15,861
but there's a little piece missing.
649
00:26:15,862 --> 00:26:17,621
You're a different species,
650
00:26:17,622 --> 00:26:19,988
one that I hope gets
struck from the Earth.
651
00:26:19,989 --> 00:26:22,003
Fuck me, Amadeus.
652
00:26:22,004 --> 00:26:23,827
Can't even see the guy
that Jonah's yelling at.
653
00:26:23,828 --> 00:26:26,996
God, Polly's not gonna think that
I was yelling at her, will she?
654
00:26:26,997 --> 00:26:29,107
Why don't we call her
publicist and find out?
655
00:26:29,107 --> 00:26:31,410
Wait a second. Richard, tell me you
have that from the other angle.
656
00:26:31,411 --> 00:26:33,330
Oh, definitely.
657
00:26:33,331 --> 00:26:36,912
Hey, Jonah. I'll get
a child size 12, please.
658
00:26:36,913 --> 00:26:38,769
What are you doing here?
659
00:26:38,770 --> 00:26:40,529
Thank you. Thank you.
660
00:26:40,530 --> 00:26:42,224
I don't know what happened there.
661
00:26:42,225 --> 00:26:44,144
- You did the same fucking thing!
- Literally.
662
00:26:44,145 --> 00:26:46,799
Oh, yeah, you know what? You're
right, I did the exact same thing.
663
00:26:46,800 --> 00:26:48,783
After the national elections,
664
00:26:48,784 --> 00:26:51,503
the president may have found herself
with a bad lie in the rough,
665
00:26:51,504 --> 00:26:53,359
but after stabilizing the economy,
666
00:26:53,360 --> 00:26:56,494
the House vote is starting
to look like a gimme putt.
667
00:26:56,495 --> 00:27:00,781
And mark my words, the president
will end up atop the leaderboard
668
00:27:00,782 --> 00:27:03,788
just like Inbee Park or Lydia Ko
669
00:27:03,789 --> 00:27:05,963
or any of the other great female golfers
670
00:27:05,964 --> 00:27:08,586
in the LPGA Tour.
671
00:27:08,587 --> 00:27:10,858
I would like to get back to questions
672
00:27:10,859 --> 00:27:13,258
about the first daughter's lesbianism.