Hello, darling.
- JAMIE: Hello, Nan. - (CACKLES)
Hold on a minute. Let me put you on speaker phone.
(YELLING) Can you hear me?
Hello, Nan. Turn your head.
Turn me head.
- I'm over here. - Over here...
Oh! Have a look!
(CACKLES)
You're on the telly, love. You're on the telly.
- I'm on Skype. - Oh, Skype Sports?
No, I don't watch that rubbish, love.
When are you gonna come up and see me?
Not for a while, Nan. I'm in Africa.
Oh yeah, still on your holidays?
No, I'm volunteering. In Namibia.
Do you remember? I'm helping build a school for orphans.
We can all build schools for orphans, love.
But who's gonna come and fix my wonky tap?
The council?
No good bastards.
How's Umbongo?
Who's Umbongo?
That friend you keep bangin' on about.
Ungudu?
If you like.
Ungudu is the group leader, Nan.
Oh, it's a group thing now, is it?
Nan, it's really amazing out here. The children can't wait for it to...
- (EASTENDERS THEME PLAYS ON TV) - Yeah, right love, I get your gist.
Me programme's on now. Ta-ta!
Ripped By mstoll
Well, the tap's not been working for ages.
And it's not the first time something's broken.
Mind you, I suppose it's the same everywhere, innit?
You remember Cheddle? You know, round the corner?
The one with the head?
Great, big, square head she had, didn't she?
Head like a toaster.
Her husband left her. Yeah, I mean, I can't blame him, really.
Must have laid in bed at night staring at her, thinking,
"I wonder how many Pop-Tarts I could get in that head?"
But, you know, when you think about...
FEMALE OPERATOR: I'm sorry. I don't understand.
Press star to return to main menu.
Oh, leave off.
So, who are you?
- I'm Alice. - Yeah, who sent you?
The Young and Old Buddy-Up Foundation.
What's that, then?
Well, it's where young people go and help old people who may need a buddy.
May need a buddy...
What are you supposed to do, then, anyway?
Cheer you up.
Christ, when's that start?
- You want a cup of tea, love? - Oh, no, thanks.
- Have a cup of tea, eh, love? - Oh, no, really. I'm fine, thank you.
- Well, do you want a coffee? - Don't drink coffee.
No? Well have a cup of tea, then, eh? You'll like a nice cup of tea.
- Don't really like tea. - No?
I do.
Do like a cup of tea. Oh, I do like a cup of tea, me.
Love a cup of tea.
Anyone could ask me,
"Would you like a cup of tea?" I say, "Yeah."
Yeah, I love a cup of tea, make some lovely, lovely, tea...
In a cup.
Love a cup of tea.
Oh, do you want a cup of tea?
Oh, whatever gave you that idea?
Of course I want a cup of tea!
"Would you like a cup of tea?" I'm sat here gasping in me own house.
Oh, yeah, that tap don't work.
(MUFFLED CLANGING)
Oh, hark at that. Can you hear that? That noise?
That'll be that new family. They've been moving in all week.
Crash, bang, wallop! That's all you ever hear, morning, noon, and night.
Oh, bang, bang, bang! I mean, how much stuff do you need?
Oh, they frighten the life out of me.
And the looks they give you on the stairs.
You'd think I'd wiped me arse with one of their cats.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Oh, hell, love. Go on, you get that, will you?
Oh, I don't dare.
- Hello. - Hello.
Hello, Mrs Taylor.
Hello, sweetheart!
- You all moved in? - Oh, yes, thank you.
Just came to apologise in case there's been any noise.
Has there been any noise?
I ain't heard any.
This is Alice.
She's here to cheer me up.
Due to start any time soon.
Well, just in case, I brought you some lentil dahl,
and saag aloo.
Oh, what's that?
Curry, is it?
It's lentil dahl and saag aloo.
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
Oh, that's lovely, innit? I shall have a slice of that later.
- See you soon. Ta-ta. - Ta-ta, sweetheart!
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
What a fucking liberty!
Did you see that?
I'm lucky I've escaped with me life.
And did you hear that?
Did you hear that? "See you soon."
That's a veiled threat, if ever I've heard one.
And look at this poison she's given me.
- What should I do with it? - Well, don't open it, for God's sake.
Never get the smell out of the curtains.
How's my tea coming along?
But the tap's broken.
Oh, darlin'. Just be gentle with it, love.
Don't go knottin' it up with them great big shovel hands of yours.
(CACKLES)
Oh, well. That has cheered me up. I'll give you that, love.
Have a look at this mob.
Junkie, layabout, thief,
murderer, halitosis,
fat ankles,
transvestite.
- Hello, Mrs Taylor. - Hello, darling. How are you?
Oh, I haven't seen you in ages, love.
You been on your holidays?
You're looking well, I'll tell you that, doll.
And how's that little dog of yours?
You still got that little guy? She's got a little dog.
It's only little. It's like that, innit?
Little dog! Oh, anyway, darling. It's lovely to see you, sweetheart.
- Bye. - Take care, darling.
(CACKLES)
- Who was that? - God knows.
Come on. Move along, love.
Ain't you gotta go and have a big, fat gypsy wedding?
I'm not a gypsy.
Well, two out of three ain't bad.
73!
Excuse me, dear. My taps don't work.
73?
You talking to me, love?
Are you 73?
I'm 75, but this scarf is flattering.
You need to take a ticket from the machine.
Oh, go and get us a ticket, love.
- Now, sit down and wait your turn. - I'm waiting for me ticket.
- Sit down. - There's me ticket.
Congratulations. Now, go away and fill out an E179 form.
I ain't got time to be filling out forms, love.
I got to get home.
I'm on Skype Sports to Africa, you know?
- Number 73. - Oh, have a look.
What are you here for, then, son?
Listen, if they ain't gonna fix my taps,
I can't see 'em splashin' out on a winch just to get you in a bath.
Excuse me. I'm here for a parking permit.
Blimey. What do you drive? A skip?
Madam, read the sign.
"All employees and visitors
"are entitled to be here without threat or abuse or rude language."
Right. Well.
Try not to be such a difficult cow, love, then you won't need a sign.
Hey, am I right?
Madam. I will call Security.
Security?
I'm 75 years old. What do you think I'm gonna do?
Knit you another sign that says, "Go and fuck yourself"?
Security!
Yeah? Yeah, you call Security, love.
Me and this extremely fat man
will not take this lying down, and he can barely get up.
I do Pilates.
Good luck to you, love. Every little helps.
I go three times a week.
Yeah, what have they got, a canteen there?
I'm not that fat.
Security, please remove this woman from my desk.
Oh, listen.
You leave this poor man alone.
His only crime
is loving food that little bit more than he loves Pilates.
And look at him. He loves Pilates.
I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, madam.
No, I'm not leaving!
I'm not leaving till me number comes up.
Me and this extremely fat man
will chain ourselves to the railings.
My name's Steve.
Steve, the extremely fat man.
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to take you out.
You'll never get them on him.
Have a look at his wrists. They're the size of legs!
- I'm gonna have to restrain you. - What? You gotta be joking.
- I'm afraid not. - What? Look...
Oh. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, it's me heart.
Oh, oh. (GROANS)
- (MACHINE BEEPING) - Paddles.
Clear.
(THUMPING)
Wait.
All right, then. Who wants tea?
Madam, this is a sterile area.
Well, I washed this morning.
- Madam, please leave. - Would she like a cup of tea?
Who is this?
I'm serving a community service order for disturbing the peace
and simulating heart attack.
That is disgraceful.
Hobnob?
What's all this, then?
Oh. Is that your son, is it?
(WEAKLY) That's my granddaughter.
Oh.
Shame.
Still, it's a nice frame, innit?
- (SKYPE RINGING) - Oh, there he is, love.
Now, put it down there.
- Hello, Nan. - Hello, darling!
How are you?
- Nan, where are you? - Oh!
Didn't I tell you, love? I'm up the hospital.
No. What is it?
Yeah, they sent me up the hospital, didn't they?
- Why, Nan? - Why?
I'm not well.
Well, you don't look well, Nan.
No. It's just me blood pressure, and me lung,
me heart, and me other lung. It's all right.
- How's your holiday? - It's not holiday, Nan.
How's Kachigogo?
Ungudu is fine, Nan.
Look, are you sure you're all right? Can I do anything?
No, love. You just enjoy your holiday.
The thing is, Nan, we're at a really crucial stage.
- The new filtration system... - Nan, Nan, the doctor!
...clean running water... - Yeah, don't keep on, son. Ta-ta!
- Everything all right in here? - Yes, thank you, love.
Now, Alfie, we can't have you moving about
if you want those bones setting properly.
You understand?
- Well... - Yeah, now, have a Rich Tea.
He loves 'em.
(CACKLES)
It says as long as you never threaten anyone
at the council again, the matter is closed.
However, if you do anything disruptive, they will add more hours to your service
and you'll be cleaning toilets this time.
(MOCKING ALICE) Oh, cleaning toilets this time.
What are you still doing here, anyway?
Why aren't you out with your mates?
Dunno, just chose to volunteer.
- Why's that, love? - Not much to do after school.
- Bullied, are you? - No.
Is it cos you're ginger?
- No. - What, the spots?
- No. - The smell?
No.
Oh, you've got to hand it to them bullies, love.
They aren't going for the obvious, are they?
I'm a bit shy.
There's nothing wrong with shy, darling. No-one likes a loud mouth.
You just remember
to stand up for yourself every now and again,
and don't let anyone push you about.
OK.
Now, get out there and make me a cup of tea and do the rest of the washing up.
Oh, what's this?
Is the tap fixed?
No, of course it ain't, love.
No, use the one in the bathroom.
What have we got here?
Eddie Barker's go nuts.
(WATER SPRAYING)
(CACKLES)
Oh...
Is that one packed up at all?
Look at the state of you, it's like you enjoy it!
Come on, I've had enough of all this.
(GRUNTS)
Come on.
It's all right, love. I've learned me lesson. Ain't gonna be no trouble.
Go on, get us a ticket, Alice, love.
They said if I got any more of that community service lark,
I'd have to clear out the khazis.
No, thank you. All that hospital food.
People shitting through the eye of a needle.
No, fear, no. I have been rehabilitised.
Oh, hello, sweetheart.
Oh, hello, Mrs Taylor. How are you today?
Still enjoying my curries?
I have not stopped. (LAUGHS)
What are you doing up here, darling? You looking for a translator?
No. Why would I want a translator?
Would you like a mint?
Happy news. My son is getting married next week.
And we want to hire the community centre for the party.
Oh! Oh, congratulations, sweetheart.
It's gonna be a big wedding, is it?
Well, we're a large family, and we want everyone to celebrate.
- So, yes! - (CACKLES)
Oh, that's smashing, innit?
- Good luck to you, love. - Thank you.
- Bye bye. - Ta-ta, sweetheart. (CHUCKLES)
That's all I need, innit?
A wedding.
There'll be mobs of people staying up her flat.
There'll be an elephant blocking the corridor, for a start.
And you saw what happened on Blue Peter, I mean, who's gonna clear that up?
Not me. I've already done one lot of community service.
(EXHALES)
Innit hot?
Oh, yeah, I'll say.
Oh, I am hot.
You hot, love?
You've gotta be hot. I mean it stands to reason, doesn't it?
I mean, if I'm hot,
you've gotta be roasting, ain't you? You've gotta be roasting.
I mean, I don't know how you do it, darling, I really don't.
I'd be sick, I'd be so hot.
I would. I'd be sat here spewing.
I'd be sick, sick, sick, sick!
I'd have a bilious attack, then I'd be sick, I would be so hot.
- (BUZZING) - Number 485.
Oh, eh, that's me.
Anyway, I hope you catch a breeze, darling.
She's got a point. It is hot.
Good afternoon.
Number 485?
Yes, dear. Here you are.
- Have you filled out your forms? - I have, love.
Did you take the correct forms in the corresponding colours?
Yes, I did, dear.
I have a number ticket, which number you've just called out.
I filled out a form from the red section,
and I sat in the blue section.
I've done everything you've asked me to do.
Now, could someone please fix my bastard taps?
Right, Mrs Taylor. We've processed all your forms,
and I'm afraid to say that unfortunately it is not a priority case.
Not a priority case? I'm 75 years old!
Nonetheless, you're in good health, you live alone.
What you talking about?
My granddaughter Alice lives with me now.
So you have another person to help you around the house?
Oh, she's no help. She's useless.
And blind.
- Blind? - Yeah.
Say hello, Alice. Poor, blind Alice.
- What? - Just say hello!
In front of you is a spinster
what smells of cats and loneliness,
who wants to help us.
- Hello. - She's not blind.
- She is. - Why's she holding a book?
That's mine.
Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief.
- You're reading that? - Yes, I am.
"It's perfectly paced, with electrifying moments
"that chase each other like heartbeats."
The New York Times.
She's not blind, Mrs Taylor. We can all see she's not blind.
Well, she can't!
May I remind you, Mrs Taylor,
that impersonating someone with a disability is a crime.
You calling her a liar?
My poor, blind, ginger Alice?
- There is no way this girl is blind. - Of course she's blind.
If she weren't blind, she'd duck.
You see?
- You all right, love? - Security, please!
Oh, leave off.
I can't see!
Oh, it's no good now, Alice. She don't believe us.
Put your hands behind your back.
Yeah, all right, I'm coming.
Ah, I suppose this means I gotta clean out the khazis now, does it?
Come on, Alice, we're off.
No, really, I can't see!
Oh, don't take the piss, love.
Ah, hark at this.
"Dear Deidre,
"I found my husband wearing my underwear
"and I don't know what to do."
Deidre says,
"Your husband is exploring his feminine side,
"support and encourage him on his journey."
What a load of old shit.
I once caught my old man eating butterscotch Angel Delight,
I slung him out for a fortnight.
That cured him.
- Because of Angel Delight? - That's how it starts, love.
One minute they're tucking into some nancy pudding,
the next minute they're trying on your drawers when your back's turned.
You've gotta nip that in the bud.
- (SKYPE RINGING) - Oh, here, put it on there.
Nan, are you all right? You look worse.
I'm all right, darling.
You look tired, though, son.
You should come home, get some rest.
I've been up all night.
With Agadudu?
Ungudu, yeah.
Is that shit on your face?
- It's mud, Nan. - That's none of my business, love.
- We've been building a hut for... - When you gonna come up and see me?
You gonna come up and see me?
Nan, how bad is it?
- Well, um... - Nan, Nan, the doctor!
Oh, I'm going!
What? Nan?
- Where's Alfie? - Uh...
He just popped to the toilet, Doctor.
He isn't supposed to get out of bed!
I know, Doctor,
but you know Alfie. He fought in two world wars,
he's too proud to pony on his mattress.
Finished.
Alfie is a very ill man, Mrs Taylor.
You have been grossly negligent, and if there's any relapse in Alfie's condition
I will hold you entirely responsible.
Thank you very much.
- Can I get back in bed? - Of course you can, darling.
You can have a nice rest,
just as soon as you make me a nice cup of tea.
(CACKLES)
Ta-ta.
- Nan. - (SIGHS) Yes, love.
I'm not gonna do this any more.
Do what?
I've put in for a transfer
and I'm gonna be working with another lady.
- What? - Well, it's just...
- It's not you. - Well, I know it's not me.
Of course it's you! It's definitely you!
You keep getting me into trouble, you nearly blinded me,
and you're not very nice.
You told me to stand up for meself.
Well, well, good for you.
I don't need you anyway.
Who you gonna buddy up with instead?
Her name's Lizzie Maynard.
Oh, not old Lizzie Maynard.
Good luck with her, love. What a moaner!
She don't stop banging on about her boiler.
Boiler this, boiler that!
Yeah, keep a lid on it, love, there's people with real problems out here.
Boiler! Boiler! Boiler! Have fun with her, love.
- Bye. - (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Ta-ta.
- Here, Alice... - Yeah?
We had a laugh, didn't we?
No.
FEMALE OPERATOR: Please state clearly the nature of the repair.
Me tap.
Please repeat that.
Me tap!
I'm sorry. I don't understand mi-tap.
Me
Bastard
tap!
Press zero for more options.
(SIGHS)
If you are calling regarding recycling,
- press one. - Nope!
If you are calling regarding pest control, press two.
Nope!
If you are calling because you are Mrs Joannie Taylor,
please find something else to do with your time
and never show your face again at the council office.
(ENUNCIATING) Shove it up your arse!
Innit hot?
You hot?
- (BUZZING) - Number 561.
(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Hello.
I am a woman.
I was wondering if you might help me.
The flat
what I'm currently staying in, has a problem with the taps.
And what is your name?
Mrs Smith.
Is it?
And what is the current address you're staying at?
10 Devonshire Court.
Oh, interesting. That's where a Mrs Joannie Taylor lives.
With her blind granddaughter.
Yes.
And according to our records, is no longer allowed
within a one mile radius of this office.
I didn't know that. Just as well I came instead, then.
I just want to know why you suddenly changed your mind!
It's the council's decision, not mine.
But you could help!
What's the matter, sweetheart?
Miss Donelly says
she will not allow my son to get married in the community centre
because they're not allowed to have a religious service.
What? That's disgraceful.
First, your wedding. Now, my taps.
When are you gonna get off your bony arse and help us?
I'm not.
And I am delighted to say that this little charade of yours
is now officially over.
I have you on camera attempting to commit identity fraud,
engaging in abusive behaviour, and contravening your restraining order.
Huh? And what part of that's against the law?
- All of it. - Is it?
Is it? Right, well, I won't keep you.
Oh, come on.
Don't be like that. How long have we known each other, Darren?
- It's Jeff. - Right, close enough.
Oh, no, you don't!
Can't get away with this, Ms Donelly.
Here. What are you doing here?
I thought you'd left me for old Lizzie Maynard.
Oh, she kept banging on about her boiler.
I told you, didn't I?
Excuse me. What is going on here?
You are in contravention of council rules,
which stipulate that all employees
must prioritise members of the community over 74
and always treat them with respect.
You've been fucking horrible.
(CACKLES)
Ahh!
That's Braille, by the way.
Of course I'm horrible.
You try dealing with you scum, day in day out.
I mean, look at you all.
Layabout, junkie, thief,
murderer, halitosis,
and extremely fat man.
For goodness sake, my BMI is only slightly above average.
How dare you speak to these wonderful people like that?
Who do you think you are?
We are a community.
We are individuals who come together.
ALL: Yes!
Whether Indian,
morbidly obese,
drag act,
or Muslim, like meself,
we are a community who supports and cares for one another.
- Right? - ALL: Yeah!
And if you won't let these fine, upstanding people
have a wedding in our community centre,
then fuck you, you miserable old witch, they can have it back at my flat!
(ALL CHEERING)
I'm afraid that won't be possible, Mrs Smith.
As a council-owned property, parties of over 10 people are not allowed.
Yeah, well, thing is, love, it ain't a council-owned property.
I own my flat, bought it back in the 1980s,
thank you, Mrs Thatcher.
How'd you like them apples? (CACKLES)
Well, if you own the flat, you're not entitled for us to fix the taps.
Well, it was worth a try, wasn't it?
(ALL CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)
Come on! All back to mine.
(THE SIDEBOARD SONG PLAYING)
♪ I said to me mother let me have a talk to dad
♪ When he came to the phone he wasn't half mad
♪ Said she's got no sense, silly little cow
♪ If he comes round here, there's gonna be a row
ALL: ♪ I don't care, I don't care
♪ I don't care if he comes round here
♪ I've got my beer in the sideboard here
♪ Let mother sort it out if he comes round here ♪
I didn't realise there was this many of you.
You're multiplying like a virus.
Right, no, you're not bringing that elephant in here.
What do we do if it needs to go to the lav?
I've already been to the toilet.
- (MUSIC CONTINUES) - Make yourself at home, love.
Listen, there's only one onion bhaji per head, all right?
Thank you so much for helping us.
It's all I could do, darling, after all them lovely curries.
Hit it, boys!
♪ I don't care, I don't care, I don't care if he comes round here
♪ I've got my beer in the sideboard here
♪ Let mother sort it out if he comes round here
♪ I don't care, I don't care
- Nan! - ♪ I don't care if he comes round...
(MUSIC STOPS)
Nan, what is going on? I thought you were on your deathbed.
Oh.
Yeah.
I got better, didn't I?
I left behind a whole school of children who needed help.
Did you?
Never mind.
While you're here, son, you couldn't have a quick look at my taps, could you?
(CACKLES)
Hit it, fellas.
ALL: ♪ I don't care, I don't care
♪ I don't care if he comes round here
♪ I've got my beer in the sideboard here
♪ Let mother sort it out if he comes round here
♪ I don't care, I don't care
♪ I don't care if he comes round here
♪ I've got my beer in the sideboard here
♪ Let mother sort it out if he comes round here
♪ I don't care, I don't care
♪ I don't care if he comes round here
♪ I've got my beer in the sideboard here
♪ Let mother sort it out if he comes round here
♪ I don't care, I don't care
♪ I don't care if he comes round here
♪ I've got my beer in the sideboard here... ♪
Well, that's that, then. Got me school holidays on Monday.
- That's it, is it? - Well, yeah, officially.
- Unless... - I mean, you could always...
- lf I'm ever passing - lf you're ever passing...
I could come up and see you.
You come up and see me.
And I'll bring you that cake you like.
I'll save you a bit of sag aloo.
- I just want you to know... - Yeah.
You made me feel really special, and...
- (EASTENDERS THEME PLAYS ON TV) - Yeah, wrap it up, love.
Me programme's on now.
(SINGING ALONG) Move your head, love!
Ripped By mstoll