Cuba strategy for the Kohl brothers. Let me hear it.
Previously on House of Lies...
Communists stole our birthright.
We're gonna take back what's ours.
We are orbiting the fucking payday
to end all motherfucking paydays.
Assuming your ex-wife doesn't win the offer first.
Seven times my revenue.
When Skip buys my firm,
that's what he's gonna put in my pocket.
Maybe we take this away from Monica.
Well, fuck yeah.
Skip just called, and the Kohl brothers
- are going with Monica. - Until they sign
on that dotted line, we can still win this thing.
Take off the Coke-bottle glasses. You lost.
Monica hacked into our server.
Something you could use to your advantage,
since she doesn't know you know.
Correct.
You want to win this thing, right?
I don't know.
We're going 55,000 miles an hour
toward Cuba,
and you want to slow down.
Sync and corrections by explosiveskull www.addic7ed.com
Where's the goddamn hotel?
How close are we to the office we're going to later?
Oh, no, we're not going to an office, Jeannie.
No, the Cubans like to do business
in cafes and restaurants. Yeah.
Yeah, they're collegial people,
swashbuckling, just impossibly romantic.
How do you shut this thing off? Is it a button inside or...?
You know, as Graham Greene once said,
"In Havana, anything is possible."
Did he say it with that stupid accent, or how did he say it?
Welcome to Cuba.
Oh, the perfect jewel of newly-budding capitalism.
Like a long-dormant socialist succulent,
one that somebody forgot to water for 50 years.
But today, motherfuckers, today Marty Kaan is up in this joint,
ready to make it rain for my new best friends, the Kohl brothers,
who are gonna spend so much of their dirty, sexy money
on buying my company that I officially do not have to
give a fuck about another thing for as long as I live.
Oh, yes, we are gonna put a five-star hotel on every beach,
a world-class golf course in every farmer's field,
fuck it, a Starbucks on every corner,
because today, today, we start making this Marty Kaan's Cuba,
profit-turning Cuba.
You might as well call it "Cuba the resort,"
because by the time I'm done with this place,
it is gonna jingle and shine and spit money
like a five-dollar slot machine.
Ooh, nice.
Hey...
Don't have any bars.
Oh, fuck no.
I know. I haven't seen a single hybrid.
No, no, look in fucking front of you.
Oh, great. You know, my balls literally ascend
into my viscera when I see her.
Mine, too.
Kaan & Asycophants, huh?
Monica, Monica, Monica.
Oh, you'd be so much more handsome
without these warts and goiters.
You should really have them removed.
And let's talk about how sad it is
that you're here pursuing business
that you're never gonna get.
Ah, well, you know, we just wanted to see the place
before you raped and pillaged it.
Ta-da.
You gonna introduce us to your friend?
- No. - No.
No.
- No. - Really?
You lose, but you show up anyway.
I don't know, that seems undignified.
But I guess it's the right of the vanquished
to sift through the ashes of their ruined village.
It's good to see you, too, bud.
Wait a minute, did we miss a memo?
Because I seem to remember the Kohl brothers indicating
that this whole thing was still up for grabs.
- And that you were a pussy. - They did say that.
Also, Skip, you look like Ricky Ricardo
fucked Justin Bieber.
- Oh! - Just all over your shirt.
You look like such a tourist.
All right, all right, you know what?
Let's just play nice, everybody, okay?
- It's a bountiful country. - Sure.
- There's plenty for everyone. - All right.
Skip, I'm gonna actually, if you don't mind.
Taxi!
- Wait. - Oh.
What you got working, Marty?
Now, what makes you think I got something working, Mo?
Oh, because of your fucking tell.
You see, quiet, humble Marty...
that means he's got a shiv in his palm.
You know what? Just enjoy Cuba, baby.
And thank you for letting me know I have a tell.
Yeah, no problem.
There's plenty more where that one came from.
What? Oh, my God, what happened?
- What? - The hell is wrong with you?
- What happened? - What did you do?
- Don't you dare. - Did someone hit you
- in the face? - I know...
- What's wrong? - That's so dangerous.
You can get an infection like that.
Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't know
- you can get an infection. - Oh, yeah?
- I had no idea. I had no idea. - You can get an infection.
I've taken two Ambien, okay?
And I really need to catch my sleep window, so cut it out!
Okay. I'm sorry, for real.
I apologize.
No, I'm sorry. Maybe I overreacted, but...
I didn't know it was gonna wake you up, first of all.
- For real, I'm sorry. - Well, it did wake me up.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Ugh. I'm a child.
That's my problem; I don't fucking grow up.
Got to learn.
- No way. Twice? No. - I don't believe it.
- You know what? - What, it happened again?!
I can't be near you. I can't...
- It wasn't me that time! - Don't follow me.
For real, it wasn't me that time.
You are a child.
You're a child.
Oh.
Hello. Pardon me. Do you mind terribly
if I sit here?
Oh. Well, of course you can sit here.
Oh, thank you.
- Hey. - Hey.
Just trying to
focus on this, you know, make sure we're bulletproof
on all this Cuba stuff.
I think we're in pretty good shape.
- You do? - Yeah.
Well, if we can secure these long-term leases
in our first meeting, and then, you know, walk that into
our meeting with the Secretary of Commerce,
with all that nailed down,
then we might be all right, yeah.
Everything good?
You want to be more vague?
With you and Jeannie.
I mean, you're not sitting next to each other.
She's got her headphones on; she only does that
- when she's pissed off. - Hey, Clyde.
So, mind my own fucking business.
Copy that. You got it.
- Bueno. - Sorry. Bueno.
Bueno.
What about you though?
Hmm?
What are you gonna do with all that cheddar?
All the time on your hands?
- You mean if we win this thing? - Correct.
Guess I'd live the dream.
What does that look like?
I have no fucking idea.
- Correct. - Guys?
I'd probably build houses for people who can't afford houses.
That's probably me, right?
- No, I don't... - Guys?
- Oh, no, I'm not gonna do that. - No.
I'm definitely not gonna do that. Sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Guys! - What?
Oh, fuck.
Oh, memory, please do not hit "record."
I got it. Don't even worry about it.
Thank you, Ambien.
Isn't this one of those situations
where, you know, we should
say something to save him the embarrassm...
- No! - No! No, no.
I wonder if we'll have time
to see Ernest Hemingway's house.
That simpleton?
Seriously, Doug? Ernest Hemingway?
All those five-word sentences?
"Word senten..." That's a five-word sentence!
- So pretentious. - Two-word sentence.
- You cut the fat a bit. - How about you guys shut
- the fuck up and listen, okay? - Sheez.
Guy we're meeting is named Samuel Orozco.
Zobel seems to think he's a real asset, okay?
Managed to make a pretty good dent in the marketplace here.
Yeah, but a dent's not gonna do it for the Kohl brothers.
They're gonna want to eat Cuba for breakfast.
And we are going to feed it to them, all of it.
Oh, kind of like how you fed your tongue
to Granny on the plane. Do you remember?
- Oh, God, ugh. - Mmm.
Look, I don't remember too much, thanks to the Ambien,
but what I do remember was pretty hot.
Ah, I don't know. She kind of made a beeline for the exit
the second we landed.
Where are you, my sweet mystery lover?
Ah, probably dead of natural causes by now.
- Oh! Let's go that way. - Okay.
So what does phase one
of your Kohl brothers project look like, Doug?
Well, my initial projection is 18 hotels and resorts,
four of their hotel brands
across all the mid-to-upper price points.
Ooh, I'll take a hotel on Atlantic, Pennsylvania
and Park-o Place-o, por favor.
You know what? A fun Cuba fact
is that the classic Parker Brothers game Monopoly
is actually illegal here.
Wow. Irrelevant and who gives a fuck?
- Well... - You really think
if we kiss this guy into the deal,
he'll help us make this happen?
- Well, we'll see. - Marty!
I mean, you got another play?
You feel it?
Uh, well, I feel...
You feel something.
But you're no longer really on point.
Your agenda is cloudy.
You have a feeling that you left something behind,
but in that way where you really have no idea what that thing
- that you left behind is. - Yes.
Oh, my God, get out of my head,
- Cuba man. - Okay.
That's very accurate, but I am also
a little bit drunk, so...
Me three.
It's this place.
For good and bad, it'll redirect you.
Let me guess... you've done your little
consultant regression models
that project that you can build this many hotels
and lease this much land,
and that your market growth will be equal "X"
and that your profit will be "Y," yes?
Well...
Pretty much.
Yes.
Well, here's the thing.
All of that... throw it in the ocean.
You can't quantify anything here.
In Cuba, nothing will go the way you think.
Nothing will match your charts and projections.
If you want to do business here, you have to surrender.
The guiding worldview of contemporary Cuba:
"No es fácil."
"It's not easy."
Nothing here right now is easy.
That doesn't mean that it's not worthwhile or good,
just... that it's not easy.
And that's after you turn yourself inside out.
Everything that you believe in and you stake your business on,
here it's a bad word.
"Capitalism," "free markets," "trickle-down economics."
Cuba exposes all of that for the pile of bullshit that it is.
So...
So sometimes it'll be a disaster,
and sometimes it won't.
Sometimes you'll be so happy that you cry.
But none of it... none of it... will be what you expect.
Señor, uh, everything in business is quantifiable.
Assuming that there is a series of constants.
But in Cuba, the only constant...
Is that nothing is constant.
La rubia wins the prize.
Bueno. Enjoy the rest of your evening.
Tomorrow, the leasing company.
Buena noche.
Uh, buena noche.
So we walk out of this morning's meeting
with a commitment for the long-term leases.
And we walk that into the big meeting
with Commerce tomorrow.
We're prepared. Why do I feel dread?
Guys, we're late. All right, showtime.
- Ready? - Listos.
Fuck.
Didn't even finish the pitch.
Well, that was horrible.
Our meeting with the Commerce people
has to go better than that.
Fucking shit show.
- Marty... - I know. I know.
"No es fácil."
How did you think it would go, eh?
Did you think Cuba just spreads her legs and lets you take her?
Guess she's not like Jeannie.
Fuck you, Clyde.
Hey.
Mucho gusto.
Hi. Hola, hola.
Hi.
Wow, look at this, huh?
Gracias, gracias, Pedro.
Gracias, señor.
Do you have any idea where we are?
Yeah, lost.
Hey, you know what, I think it's around the corner back here.
- Let's... let's go this way. - Hola.
No, thank you.
Hey.
Hello, Jeannie? Let's go.
No.
What do you mean "no"? We're...
We're in the middle of somebody's wedding.
You understand that? Okay?
A bunch of people you don't even know.
Maybe I want to be here, Marty.
Maybe I want to be in the middle of this wedding,
because these people seem very happy, and I'm not.
Great, so you want to stay here at a wedding
that we weren't invited to and hang out with a bunch of people
- that we don't know? - Yes, asshole!
Yes!
I do.
And I'm going to stay here,
and I'm gonna dance with these beautiful people,
and if you don't like it, tough shit.
Go back to the hotel and review your spreadsheets.
Jesus, Jeannie, why don't you stop being so dramatic
right now.
Fuck you, Marty!
Fuck you!
Hi.
Yes, thank you.
Oh, you...
you're very naughty.
Ah, you're very drunk.
Perfect relationship.
So, Martydaddy, are you gonna fuck my thing up?
'Cause I worked really hard on this acquisition,
and I feel like I won fair and square.
Oh, God, honestly, Monica, I am over it.
Really, I'm over it.
I mean, Cuba was never gonna go for the Kohl brothers, right?
- Fuck it, really. - Yeah.
Listen, I like it here.
I like the people.
I-I like the-the music.
The food, the culture, everything.
I-I... I like the pace, the slow, sustainable growth.
Oh, really?
'Cause I like rapid growth.
And that is a great example of rapid growth.
But nobody goes from zero to hero
like the Chinese, though.
- Am I right? - Nobody.
Ch-China no pro-problemo comunista.
I mean, sure, they've got billions of people,
but it's not about that.
It is about a willingness,
a willingness to fully exploit your labor force,
your natural resources.
It is a willingness to actively, aggressively deregulate
and reach a climate of maximum growth potential.
Are you saying it exactly like I'm saying it?
I try.
Of course.
My clients, the Kohl brothers, can make this happen for you
by rolling out the most extensive private capital
foreign investment plan in contemporary history.
That's enough.
Okay.
Sí.
This is...
an affront to everything we stand... for...
I'm sorry, I can't, I can't hear you.
...and on top of that, it's a bad business.
- We're finished. - "About business"?
No, no, I don't think you understand what I'm saying.
- It's, uh, bueno business. - What I... in... conversely,
what I'm trying to say is that...
Told you they'd never go for it.
Bullshit.
...China is the opposite model
of what we want to pursue here in Cuba.
- Calling me a liar? - I think that
- it's getting lost in transla... - Liar.
I don't know if you're, I don't know if you're saying it
- exactly like I'm saying it. - Maybe I am, fuckhead.
I can hear you. I can hear you, and I don't know if it's...
Nobody calls me a liar without spilling some blood, liar.
Well, maybe we need...
you and me need to spill some fucking blood...
Fucking motherfucker.
Liar.
Uh, siéntate, por favor.
No, it's just...
Don't translate what they're saying.
Just stick with what I'm saying.
What I'm saying is, China...
Come back. Okay...
- Yeah, yeah, you want to go?! - Fucking liar, I'll fuck you up!
- You want to fucking go? - Progress is the enemy
in-in that way.
China is not the focus.
Fucking Marty.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Fucking Marty!
You fuck!
That's great, thanks.
- This is good. - I like it here.
Yeah, it's nice.
No, I mean...
here, you know, Cuba.
Oh.
Yeah.
It's nice, too.
But it doesn't want the Kohls, does it?
18 brand-new luxury hotels...
...golf courses, Starbucks,
fucking TGI Fridays.
Would you want that for it?
Ah, fuck.
Yeah, fuck.
No es fucking fácil.
Mm-mm.
Cuba was never gonna go for the Kohl brothers, right?
Fuck it, really.
And you know what? I like it here.
I like the people and the, the food, the music,
culture... all of it.
I like the pace.
The slow, sustainable growth?
Oh, really?
'Cause I like rapid growth.
Mm-hmm.
Ah...
No, no, no, no, look.
This...
You don't want...
you-you got what you want.
Mm-hmm. Hmm.
- Huh. - It's another one of your tells.
What is that?
Not fucking me.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
So you told her the truth?
Told her the truth.
And now we just...
- That is correct. - Mmm...
Wait, I'm confused.
I told her the truth.
And now we are going to tell her
- "the truth." - On Opposite Day.
Oh, Opposite Day!
- I love Opposite Day. - Ding, ding, ding.
- I mean I hate Opposite Day. - Ding, ding, ding!
Feed her an e-mail that she will promptly hack.
See, you're welcome.
If it weren't for my intellectual curiosity,
we would never be able to manipulate Monica like this.
Oh, my God.
- "Intellectual curiosity"? - Yes.
Are you fucking kidding me? You opened up dirty spam!
You tried to jerk off in the office!
- To jerk off in the office. - So sorry, Doug.
Thank you for being a horny idiot.
You're a hero.
We send the counter-hack detailing how Cuba
is in the mood for a China-style, balls-out
- expansion, everything. - Yes.
Just exploit the labor force. Fuck the environment.
Yep, all of that.
And then we watch her.
And then we watch her...
But wait, hold up.
If that's a bad strategy,
then what's our play, because outside
of some sexy details, it's sounding an awful lot like
- what we were going in with. - Yeah.
Yeah.
Um...
about that.
Ooh...
I think I'm gonna like this very much.
I fucking knew it. I fucking knew it!
So, just so I'm... We're adjusting our strategy.
No, dum-dum, we're not selling to the Kohls.
Wait, what?!
On-on Opposite Day, though, right?
Doug, forget Opposite Day.
Remember Opposite Day... that's what you mean!
- Doug, Doug, it's over. - Remember Opposite Day!
- No! - It's over.
Listen, Cuba was never gonna go for any version
of what the Kohl brothers want.
And do you really want to subject this country
to that particular form of...
aggressive imperialism?
"Imperialism," really?
Or is it just passion?
I get it Dougie, you want the money.
- I will buy him out if he shuts the fuck up! - Deal.
- On Opposite Day. - On Opposite Day.
Jeannie. Jeannie.
Jeannie, Jeannie.
What?
I think you should marry me.
That's not funny, Marty.
God, you're such an emotionless robot, that's not...
I think we should get married.
I thought you were...
No.
I'm serious.
You're asking me to marry you right now?
- I am. - And you're not fucking with me?
No.
I'm not.
Okay.
O-Okay, you get that I'm not fucking with you or...?
Okay, yes, okay.
I would like to marry you.
But I think we should acknowledge that,
that we, we are...
Y-Yeah, we're working people.
- We will, we... - We work, we, we work.
We, uh...
We work.
We're not gonna sell the business
that we worked our asses off to build all these years.
Not yet.
We're not gonna just stay home and raise a kid.
That's nothing to be ashamed of.
I mean, it won't be easy, but we can, we can do both.
That's right.
So I guess we tell the Kohl brothers...
To fuck off.
I mean, in better words than that,
but yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
I love you, Jeannie.
Oh, shit!
Watch your briefcases, guys!
Marty, please, please! Just two minutes.
- Oh... - Two minutes!
Okay, but I smell some despair.
Yeah, I smell it now.
- Pungent. - Ha, ha, I get it, listen.
Now, I don't blame you for rubbing my nose in it.
I really don't... Marty, I have a real offer!
- Aw. - No.
- But, look, the Kohl brothers... - Skipper, Jesus Christ.
- Sorry, excuse me. - Just go, will you?
The Kohl-Kohl brothers know you're the guy.
They've... they've always known it.
What about this? I bring you back
in the door and then we-we, we both win!
- We all win, we all... - Yeah, I mean, we all would win.
The problem is, you don't lose, you know?
And you see, my old fuck buddy,
your losing is tantamount to a win.
You see, Skip?
- It's win-win-lose. - Yeah.
It's a win for you.
- On Opposite Day. - On Opposite Day.
Vámonos, señor.
- All right, Skip. - Adiós, Skip.
Fantastic to see you, buddy.
What?
Oh, Marty.
Good morning, Mrs. Kaan.
Marty, did you marry me last night?
Yep, yep, I think I might've.
Did you steal this car last night?
Uh...
no, that was you.
You stole the car.
Oh.
Sí.
Sync and corrections by explosiveskull www.addic7ed.com