Ripped By mstoll
Thank God you're here, Bobby.
Lori and me are gonna make out in the janitor's closet.
Will you be our lookout?
No, I can't.
Madame Pascal makes you explain why you're tardy in French,
but I can only say my name.
Dude.
Just hurry up.
Why aren't you in class?
Emily! Please don't bust me, I was just...
Out of my way, you two.
I need some sawdust to clean up some throw up from...
a kid.
Oh, don't go in there, sir.
I'm developing pictures; they're almost set.
Whoa!
I'm calling it in.
I guess that's what the law requires.
Whatcha gonna do, huh?
Huh?!
I'll tell you what I'm going to do!
You're on my hard-hitting exposé series,
To Catch A Bully.
Consider yourself hit hard.
He caught another one!
My affection for Miguel is expanding
along with my definition of "newsworthy."
Ever since Miguel started catching bullies,
his approval ratings are through the roof.
I'm supposed to be Arlen's "Anchor You Trust."
Oh, Miguel is just pandering
to the lowest common denominator.
You have to find out who is below that
and aim there. You're right, sug.
Let's go find a worthy cause
to shamelessly exploit.
You do not have permission to record this conversation.
Proceed.
It's Carl Moss.
I have Joseph in my office.
I need a parent to come down and pick him up.
What happened?
What's wrong with my baby boy?!
I'm coming. Protect him until I get there!
; Joseph!
Keys!
Joseph!
Principal Moss?
What is it? Who's in trouble-- You or Bobby?
Oh, good, it's Bobby.
All right, I'm on my way.
Now, why don't you tell your father
what you and Lori were doing in the janitor's closet?
We weren't doing anything!
And it wasn't even us!
I'm not me!
There's no way my Joseph did this.
He's too young.
Smell his hair.
It still has new baby smell.
Son, you should only agree to be someone's lookout
during a time of war.
Now, tell me why Joseph was in the janitor's closet.
He was just, um...
selling drugs.
That was an awful lie, son.
Terrible.
Can you believe the nerve of Moss?
Saying my innocent Joseph
was doing something tawdry with that girl.
You know, Dale,
maybe it's time you talked to your boy about...
uh, relations...
you know, that are... sexual in nature.
I remember when I got my "birds and bees" talk.
Well, it was mostly hand gestures.
You-you still haven't told me what...
means, Hank.
My boy isn't old enough for that.
He's still full of snips and snails
and puppy dog tails.
He's six feet tall and has a mustache.
It's time.
Okay, fine.
I'll-I'll give him the sex talk.
Um, before I do that,
I-I have some questions myself.
So, just like the daddy penguin
protects the egg with his fur...
Eh!
You know, this is too childish for you.
Let's try this.
When a daddy tiger really loves a mommy tiger--
Is this helpful?
No.
Are we done yet?
I miss Lori.
All I can think about is her soft voice
and her soft arm hairs.
Nah, you're too young for all of this!
Can't you see this loose girl
is forcing herself onto your innocence?
You can't say that about her!
You don't even know her!
And soon you won't either!
I forbid you to see Lori!
Ever again!
That's so unfair!
This is just like that movie Romeo and Juliet
when the Jets attack Romeo with their break dancing
to keep him from the girl he loves!
You don't love Lori.
Love doesn't even exist.
It's just a chemical created in the labs of DuPont.
It was an accident
while they were developing those spatulas that don't melt.
You're just crazy.
Stop talking.
I hate you!
You... you hate me?
Maybe I can be the one
who figures out what's irritating all those bowels.
That'll show Miguel.
Joseph,
let's forget all that stuff we fought about.
It's Thursday night, and you know what that means.
Cereal night.
Wrong.
Cereal night extreme!
Sha, sha, sha.
I bought all your
favorite cereals
to blend into one mega-cereal:
Brute Fiber, Cookie Holes,
Baron Von Crunchberry.
Maybe my cereal doesn't want to be blended.
Maybe it wants to be eaten by itself
and date whoever it wants!
Oh, cheer up, sug.
At his age, you can't love your parents
and your girlfriend at the same time.
It's confusing.
Want me to get you some milk?
No.
I'll just have my cereal with tears.
Sorry I'm late.
You know how when your son hates you,
you just want to shop your blues away?
At least Mega-Lo Mart still loves me.
They approved me for a club card.
Oh, my gosh, look!
Dale, your real name is on this card!
B-- impossible.
It's true.
My God-given name has been etched in plastic.
Dale forgot
he thinks club cards are a way
for the government to identify those who value a bargain!
Yeah, man, talkin' 'bout a dang ol' senior moment, man.
Well, lighten up, Dale.
You're just distracted by Joseph.
The other day I got so worked up by Bobby,
I let the gas get so low that the warning light came on.
I haven't used my real name
since my library card in middle school.
And unless someone checks out Superfudge,
my secret is safe.
I just don't know how this happened.
Yeah, he's chaperoning me to and from school now.
It's so embarrassing.
Are you talking to Lori again
after I told you not to?
No!
Sorry, Lori. Go on.
That's it!
Phone privileges revoked!
Hey, give it back!
Oh, my God, uh,
I can't remember the code.
Hit the deck!
Aah! Duck! Aah!
My dad almost killed us.
It's so embarrassing.
I am going crazy.
Or is that crazy talk?
Either way, there's a crazy element.
I need help.
Okay, my symptoms include: forgetfulness,
repeating things,
being told I'm crazy--
Oh, repeating things.
Hello there!
Before I can make my diagnosis,
I'm going to need more information.
Please take our survey:
"What's wrong with me?"
Sponsored by Azteca Pharmaceuticals.
Are you paranoid?
Who wants to know?
Did you reply "Who wants to know?"
Yes.
Great job!
You've successfully completed our survey.
According to your answers, you have dementia.
Well, I finally figured out
why I can't relate to Joseph.
It's because... I have dementia.
Oh, my! I know.
Who knows where I caught it
or how long I've had it.
I'm assuming that's from the dementia.
Don't be an idiot, Dale.
You're just stressed out about Joseph.
You're not crazy...er than usual.
I almost killed my son.
I'm not supposed to be the one who kills him.
The crushing weight of the world is.
I'm a danger to my family, Hank.
And I know what I have to do to keep them safe.
You've been expecting me.
Wow, nice duck.
High five!
What a realistic pencil holder.
High five!
Wow, that's a really nice, um...
When my son, Joseph, was a baby,
his favorite meal was Play-Doh spaghetti.
He ate it with bugs.
He called it "spissghetti and meat-bugs."
Well, great!
High five!
Dale! I hate seeing you like this!
I always considered you my brother, Dale.
And I always considered you my neighbor, Bill.
All right, Dale, enough is enough.
Get your things. We're going home.
I'm not going anywhere, Hank.
This is where I belong now.
Please, remember me as a person
who once remembered things.
Ugh, dang it, this is crazy.
I've got to do something about this.
Excuse me, who's in charge here?
I am!
Are you the doctor here?
I'm not a doctor.
I'm Mike Patel.
I own this particular franchise of Comforting Pines.
Franchise?
Ugh, look, my friend, Dale--
Uh, wait, is that
a certificate from Whataburger?
Oh, yeah.
I used to own one of those.
Swapped it for this place.
The flame-broiling fad is over.
Are you qualified to run this kind of facility?
Are you asking if I'm qualified to care?
Because the answer is yes!
Thankfully, the government doesn't regulate "care."
Well, either way, what do I need to do
to get my friend checked out of here?
Sorry, but, uh, only Mr. Gribble can check himself out.
And from the looks of his art project, he seems pretty happy.
Hey, you know, we're running a special promotion,
if you want me to hang on to the big guy for you.
Hey,Joseph, come on.
The marching band left some tubas unattended.
I can't.
Lori wants to make out in the gym.
She likes it when our kisses echo.
That seems right up your alley.
What's wrong?
It's all happening so fast.
Lori says she wants to go further.
What's "further"?
I dunno.
Maybe she wants to go to McMaynerbury?
Ugh, I'm so confused.
Dude, relationships are hard!
Bye,dude.
And that will be later tonight on...
To Catch A Bully.
This whole Dale situation is just asinine.
So he hit a rough patch with Joseph.
It's no reason to check yourself
into a mental institution.
Poor Nancy.
First Miguel and now this.
And Sunday,
I'll be visiting the pregnant gorilla
at the Arlen Zoo.
How about you, Nancy?
Any, uh, plans this... Glad you asked, Miguel.
Four million Americans suffer from dementia,
and I personally know number four million and one.
My husband.
I'm going to spend my weekend raising "dementia awareness."
Kind of puts Miguel's dog and pony show
in perspective, doesn't it?
Attagirl, Nancy!
Raise that awareness over Miguel's head
and smack him with it!
I wish Dale was here.
I miss the two little me's reflected in his sunglasses
when he scowls at me.
Hey, man, I ain't dang missin' him one dang ol' bit, man.
How talkin' 'bout makin' no claims
without no citations, man.
Gettin' on my last nerve, boy.
Well, I know we have to talk some sense into Dale,
but maybe we don't have to do it today.
It's nice to not have to face magnetic north.
True north.
Hey, someone's breaking
into Dale's van!
Ugh!
Ugh. stop that!
Take a knee!
You go home, young lady.
I don't know what you think you were doing in there,
but just cool it.
Go play a video game
or step on some ants or something.
Actually, can I talk to you for a second?
I can't talk to my dad, 'cause he's gone,
and I can't talk to my mom, 'cause she's gone.
What is it, Joseph?
I think Lori wants to go all the way.
All the way where--
Oh, Lord.
I'm feeling a lot of pressure from her,
and I don't know what to do.
Mr. Hill?
Dale, you gotta get yourself out of here!
Joseph and Lori are thinking
about "going all the way."
He's running wild.
He needs his father.
"All the way?!"
That's only for married people.
And only for a while.
I have to have the sex talk with him before he makes a mistake!
Hang on, Joseph!
Daddy's coming!
Hello there, Mr. Gribble.
We're having a high-functioning!
Low-functioning mixer in the rec room.
No, thanks, Patel. I'm leaving.
Oh, you can't just leave. No, no, no.
There's protocol and waivers and releases.
There's paperwork to keep us busy for days!
No time for that.
My boy is about to become a man and he must be stopped!
You can't leave
until we establish if you're a threat to others.
I'm only a threat to you!
Security breach! We got a runner!
What?!
Hmm? Come on!
Get back here!
Gribble!
Hey!
Cold blanket!
No, there's a misunderstanding!
Stop!
So cold.
I can't believe this is happening.
I never had to cold-blanket someone before.
This is not like the burger business at all.
Dang it, Mr. Patel, just let Dale go.
You can't hold him here against his will.
Unfortunately, that's what I have to do.
He assaulted a franchise employee.
Comforting Pines procedure dictates I hold him until...
he's no longer "at risk."
There's gotta be something you can do.
His son needs him.
Eh, you're welcome to look through the manual.
But if it's not in there, I can't do it.
You'd think something so complicated
would be a little more pleasurable to read.
Wait.
I think I found something.
Okay, apparently, if Dale acts crazier,
Comforting Pines is required by law
to turn him over to a state mental hospital
for an "emergency psychiatric evaluation."
Peggy, we are trying to get Dale out, not further in.
It will work, Hank.
Once Dale is admitted, the state hospital will test him,
realize he's not crazy and let him go.
I don't knows, Peggy.
Hank, either you have Dale evaluated
by the same government that runs the post office
or by a guy who used to sell cheeseburgers.
Huh.
The post office.
All right, I'll go tell Dale.
Uh, as soon as Nancy comes home.
You don't know what love is!
Joseph, I assure you we do.
After all, we made that.
Oh, come on!
So that's it?
I act batty,
they send me to the battier house,
then they let me go?
Yep, pretty much.
Think you can handle it?
Anything for my Joseph.
I got this.
This better work, 'cause I can't stay here.
This place is seriously nuts.
One of the patients likes me
and wants to carve our initials in my head.
Calm down, Dale, we're almost there.
They're just gonna ask you some easy questions.
All you have to do is act normal.
Anything for my son.
Look at him--
He needs me!
All right, let's begin.
Please state your name.
Dale Gribble.
On Earth.
On Pleiades, it's unpronounceable.
Uh, Mr. Gribble,
do you believe people conspire against you?
People. Animals.
Insects.
'Specially the insects.
You don't even want to know
what the bark beetle has to say about me.
And everyone knows
what George Washington Carver did with peanuts,
but nobody knows what he did to peanuts--
He weaponized them.
Uh, thank you, Mr. Gribble.
Okay, I think we've heard enough.
Recommendation is for commitment.
Commitment?!
No!
Joseph, listen to me.
This may be my last opportunity to tell you this.
I know you know a thing or two about sex.
You're old enough,
and you often forget to delete your Internet history.
But you just know the physical stuff.
Sex is also mental.
And you're too young to handle those emotions.
That's why I think you should wait.
My dad is not crazy.
Uh, yeah, he is.
According to the State of Texas.
Please, son, save your precious flower!
Lori, I don't want to go all the way with you.
What?! That's so lame!
Don't you want to be... cool?
Sorry, Lori.
No means no.
What about going halfway?
This thing with Miguel-- It's like an arms race.
He went after bullies,
I countered with dementia awareness,
then he started some organization
called the "Society for Children With No Bones."
I mean, I don't even think that's a real thing.
Hey, that doctor probably knows about some great new diseases.
Gotta get in on the ground floor, sug.
Joseph, you did the right thing.
I'm so proud of you.
Yeah.
Lori broke up with me, though.
It hurts so much.
It's like my heart is a really sad man.
Breakups never get easy.
You know, we should get rid
of those photos of Lori on your phone.
Tell you what-- When I get home,
I'll help you smash it to pieces.
I hope you get out soon.
I will.
Due to budget cuts,
they redefined what constitutes insanity.
Guess who squeaked by?
Oh! Almost forgot.
I made you something.
Spissghetti and meat-bugs!
My favorite!
Consider yourself hit hard.
Ripped By mstoll