1 00:01:19,417 --> 00:01:21,377 I've never seen it this long. 2 00:01:21,457 --> 00:01:23,697 This is worse than Disneyland. 3 00:01:23,777 --> 00:01:24,977 You've been to Disneyland? 4 00:01:25,057 --> 00:01:28,457 Uh, we go to this off-brand version outside of Worcester. 5 00:01:29,337 --> 00:01:31,777 For years, I thought his name was Milton Mouse. 6 00:01:32,737 --> 00:01:34,457 That's fucked up. 7 00:01:34,537 --> 00:01:37,057 And Snow White had a lot of mud in her snow, 8 00:01:37,137 --> 00:01:38,297 if you know what I mean. 9 00:01:38,377 --> 00:01:40,537 What's that supposed to mean, you're out of maxi pads? 10 00:01:40,617 --> 00:01:44,297 It means there's 100 new inmates, but the same budget for inessentials. 11 00:01:45,097 --> 00:01:46,337 You hear that? 12 00:01:46,417 --> 00:01:49,657 My baby box is inessential. 13 00:01:49,737 --> 00:01:50,777 No way. 14 00:01:50,857 --> 00:01:52,937 You can buy tampons at commissary. 15 00:01:54,897 --> 00:01:56,817 For ten bucks a box. 16 00:01:56,897 --> 00:01:59,457 We make ten cents an hour. 17 00:02:01,057 --> 00:02:04,217 Wait. What're we supposed to do? Use toilet paper? 18 00:02:04,817 --> 00:02:08,457 I got enough tampons for this time, if I only use one a day. 19 00:02:08,537 --> 00:02:10,617 Yeah, let me know how that works out. 20 00:02:10,697 --> 00:02:12,857 One time, I ran outta tampons, 21 00:02:12,937 --> 00:02:16,857 so I used one of those, um, dinosaur just-add-water sponges for kids. 22 00:02:16,937 --> 00:02:18,017 It was really fun. 23 00:02:18,097 --> 00:02:19,217 'Cause it was like, 24 00:02:19,297 --> 00:02:21,417 "Ooh, I wonder what this will be? 25 00:02:21,497 --> 00:02:24,457 - Oh! Brontosaurus Rex!" - Surprise. 26 00:02:24,537 --> 00:02:27,537 - Covered in baby blood! - There ain't no Brontosaurus Rex. 27 00:02:27,617 --> 00:02:31,097 - What? - It's Brontosaurus. Period. 28 00:02:31,177 --> 00:02:33,377 Though now they're saying it's Apatosaurus. 29 00:02:33,897 --> 00:02:35,737 My five-year-old's crazy for that shit. 30 00:02:35,817 --> 00:02:37,617 Hello. We are all in line here. 31 00:02:37,697 --> 00:02:39,217 - So, you need to get to the back... - What're you... 32 00:02:39,297 --> 00:02:41,017 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! 33 00:02:41,097 --> 00:02:42,177 Hey! 34 00:02:46,497 --> 00:02:48,337 Respect the fucking line. 35 00:02:49,337 --> 00:02:51,457 Just like fake Disneyland. 36 00:02:52,897 --> 00:02:54,817 And then, you'll meet Jenny Stark. 37 00:02:54,897 --> 00:02:57,777 She's basically me, but at Corrections Corporation and Management. 38 00:02:57,857 --> 00:03:00,177 One year, we switched nametags, 39 00:03:00,256 --> 00:03:01,696 and for the entire panel discussion 40 00:03:01,777 --> 00:03:05,257 I was Jenny from CCM and she was Linda from MCC. 41 00:03:05,337 --> 00:03:06,457 It was bananas. 42 00:03:06,537 --> 00:03:08,416 You go every year? 43 00:03:08,497 --> 00:03:10,336 It's worth it for the swag alone. 44 00:03:10,417 --> 00:03:12,256 One year, we got these little toy jail cells 45 00:03:12,337 --> 00:03:14,176 for you to put your candy in when you're on a diet. 46 00:03:14,257 --> 00:03:15,457 And then... Yeah. 47 00:03:15,537 --> 00:03:17,697 Another year we got these Nerf-style guard batons. 48 00:03:17,776 --> 00:03:20,457 And so, anytime anyone said something stupid at a staff meeting, 49 00:03:20,536 --> 00:03:21,976 we would just whale on them. 50 00:03:22,537 --> 00:03:24,496 Until the incident with Greg's eye, but... 51 00:03:26,697 --> 00:03:28,257 Ah... 52 00:03:28,336 --> 00:03:31,216 - Shit! It's my assistant. - Oh. 53 00:03:32,656 --> 00:03:34,017 What, Jefferson? 54 00:03:34,096 --> 00:03:36,337 Top of the morning to you, Mr. C... 55 00:03:36,417 --> 00:03:37,977 again. 56 00:03:38,056 --> 00:03:42,097 I forgot to ask if you wanted the files done by last name or prisoner number. 57 00:03:42,177 --> 00:03:44,056 Last name. Listen, Jefferson, 58 00:03:44,137 --> 00:03:46,617 I'm gonna be in this conference pretty much 24/7. 59 00:03:46,696 --> 00:03:47,937 It's very immersive. 60 00:03:48,016 --> 00:03:51,256 I'm not gonna be able to answer every little thing. 61 00:03:51,337 --> 00:03:54,297 Got it. I will hold down the fort while you're gone. 62 00:03:54,376 --> 00:03:56,937 No. Do not hold anything down. 63 00:03:57,016 --> 00:03:59,617 I am not giving you power over anything or anyone. 64 00:03:59,697 --> 00:04:02,017 All you are doing is files. 65 00:04:02,097 --> 00:04:03,856 You'll do those until I get back. 66 00:04:03,937 --> 00:04:06,537 And if by some miracle you finish before I get back, 67 00:04:06,616 --> 00:04:08,257 sit... quietly. 68 00:04:08,337 --> 00:04:10,377 Copy that. 69 00:04:10,456 --> 00:04:12,057 That's a thing people say, right? 70 00:04:12,136 --> 00:04:13,137 No. 71 00:04:15,736 --> 00:04:17,097 Assistants... 72 00:04:17,176 --> 00:04:19,936 they waste more time than they save. 73 00:04:20,017 --> 00:04:21,856 You'll get the hang of delegation. 74 00:04:21,937 --> 00:04:24,897 Just make sure that you fire them every three months or so. 75 00:04:25,576 --> 00:04:26,697 Even if they're good? 76 00:04:26,776 --> 00:04:29,656 Especially if they're good. I've been through 29. 77 00:04:29,737 --> 00:04:31,737 You don't want them getting too essential. 78 00:04:31,816 --> 00:04:33,937 I'm not sure that's the worry here. 79 00:05:09,217 --> 00:05:12,016 - How long has this been up? - Only a few hours, sir. 80 00:05:12,897 --> 00:05:14,497 A few hours? 81 00:05:14,577 --> 00:05:16,017 Yeah, no. We're... 82 00:05:16,096 --> 00:05:18,537 looking for the right shade of beige to cover it up. 83 00:05:18,616 --> 00:05:20,176 You know, gotta match the rest of the wall. 84 00:05:20,257 --> 00:05:21,297 We're not house flipping. 85 00:05:21,376 --> 00:05:23,017 The inmates see graffiti, 86 00:05:23,097 --> 00:05:26,296 they think it's okay to vandalize, litter, destroy property. 87 00:05:26,377 --> 00:05:28,617 Oh, yeah, the broken windows theory? 88 00:05:28,696 --> 00:05:30,736 Rudy Giuliani? I mean, wasn't that disproven? 89 00:05:30,817 --> 00:05:33,136 That man is a hero, 90 00:05:33,217 --> 00:05:35,617 and history will acknowledge that. 91 00:05:35,697 --> 00:05:36,976 Okay. 92 00:05:37,057 --> 00:05:39,976 We're upping you to a pair a day, because we know that you can handle it. 93 00:05:40,057 --> 00:05:41,416 You lost more girls, huh? 94 00:05:41,497 --> 00:05:42,856 Ah, trimming some of the fat is all. 95 00:05:42,937 --> 00:05:44,656 We can always find new panty cattle. 96 00:05:44,737 --> 00:05:46,936 Your real problem is the Spanish. They got momentum. 97 00:05:47,017 --> 00:05:48,817 - You got to deal... - Shh! 98 00:05:51,697 --> 00:05:53,697 ... now! This is exactly the sort of thing 99 00:05:53,776 --> 00:05:57,016 that escalates to drugs, and violence, and gangs. 100 00:05:58,177 --> 00:05:59,896 Hey! Hey! 101 00:06:01,377 --> 00:06:02,656 Case in point. 102 00:06:02,737 --> 00:06:04,216 Hey, hey! 103 00:06:04,297 --> 00:06:05,697 Knock it off! 104 00:06:05,776 --> 00:06:07,537 Oh! Bitch! 105 00:06:09,217 --> 00:06:11,577 Fuck these night shifts in the ass. 106 00:06:11,656 --> 00:06:13,857 - Aw, past your bedtime? - Didn't say that. 107 00:06:13,936 --> 00:06:16,257 After-party at my place again, people. 108 00:06:16,336 --> 00:06:17,656 - Chez Humps! - I'm there. 109 00:06:17,737 --> 00:06:20,577 - Me, three. - Jesus, guys, it's 9:00 a.m. 110 00:06:21,057 --> 00:06:22,897 Yo, hook up Donuts here with a Fallujah Omelet. 111 00:06:22,977 --> 00:06:24,097 Maybe that'll untwist his dick. 112 00:06:24,177 --> 00:06:26,457 What's a Fallujah Omelet? 113 00:06:26,536 --> 00:06:28,696 It's a Jäger shot and a raw egg. 114 00:06:28,777 --> 00:06:29,977 It's the breakfast of champions. 115 00:06:30,057 --> 00:06:31,576 Yeah, I'm gonna pass. 116 00:06:31,657 --> 00:06:32,857 Come on, man. It's pure protein. 117 00:06:32,937 --> 00:06:35,137 Yeah, I gotta stay and watch her. So... 118 00:06:35,217 --> 00:06:36,177 Oh, I see. 119 00:06:36,256 --> 00:06:38,217 You're gonna dip your donut in Ramos here. 120 00:06:40,936 --> 00:06:43,377 Some people like their breakfast sweet, not savory. 121 00:06:44,977 --> 00:06:47,296 You know what gets me so hot? 122 00:06:47,377 --> 00:06:49,297 Is when guys compare me to breakfast, 123 00:06:49,377 --> 00:06:51,577 and when they talk about me like I'm not even here. 124 00:06:53,617 --> 00:06:56,536 How about you call me "that oatmeal in the front seat" 125 00:06:56,617 --> 00:06:58,336 and I'll be so yours? 126 00:07:00,057 --> 00:07:01,936 Dude, she totally stepped on your balls. 127 00:07:02,017 --> 00:07:03,777 Shut up, Blake. 128 00:07:03,856 --> 00:07:04,897 Shut the fuck up. 129 00:07:20,416 --> 00:07:22,257 Pretty! 130 00:07:22,336 --> 00:07:24,297 Happy Friday, ladies. 131 00:07:24,777 --> 00:07:26,577 I'll be back to check on you soon, okay? 132 00:07:52,777 --> 00:07:54,777 Be careful. Karma's a bitch. 133 00:07:54,856 --> 00:07:56,937 Who's Karma? That new girl? 134 00:08:11,416 --> 00:08:13,096 One more round for the thirsty gentle... 135 00:08:13,177 --> 00:08:15,057 You okay? 136 00:08:15,136 --> 00:08:16,617 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 137 00:08:16,696 --> 00:08:18,376 My boss is gonna kill me! 138 00:08:18,457 --> 00:08:20,416 Hey, it's just potato juice, right? 139 00:08:20,497 --> 00:08:21,776 No, you don't understand. 140 00:08:22,417 --> 00:08:23,536 He'll take it out of my paycheck. 141 00:08:23,617 --> 00:08:26,416 And I have a little baby to support, and my mom... 142 00:08:26,497 --> 00:08:28,976 she can't work on account of oldness. 143 00:08:29,056 --> 00:08:30,896 - I'm sorry... - Come on, don't cry. 144 00:08:30,976 --> 00:08:31,936 Okay. 145 00:08:32,017 --> 00:08:33,697 Dudes, don't waste it. 146 00:08:33,776 --> 00:08:35,456 Get off the floor, man. 147 00:08:35,536 --> 00:08:37,216 Like, ten kinds of AIDS down there. 148 00:08:37,856 --> 00:08:40,777 Don't cry. We'll pitch in for it, right, guys? 149 00:08:44,896 --> 00:08:47,416 - Yeah, yeah. Sure, whatever. - Sure. 150 00:08:49,057 --> 00:08:50,536 Here. 151 00:09:01,216 --> 00:09:03,176 What, you pull that shit every night? 152 00:09:04,096 --> 00:09:07,297 It's 300 bucks. That's not bad for a janky-ass short con. 153 00:09:08,296 --> 00:09:09,536 I don't know what you're talking about. 154 00:09:09,616 --> 00:09:10,736 You know, your boss is a friend of mine. 155 00:09:10,816 --> 00:09:12,457 You want me to go stick his nose in that puddle back there? 156 00:09:12,536 --> 00:09:13,616 No, please, don't tell him. 157 00:09:13,696 --> 00:09:15,136 You're not bad for an amateur. 158 00:09:15,217 --> 00:09:17,137 I mean, of course, the face helps. 159 00:09:17,896 --> 00:09:19,336 Please, I have a little baby. 160 00:09:19,417 --> 00:09:20,696 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And if I let you see... 161 00:09:20,776 --> 00:09:22,777 We gotta get you off the pity angle. 162 00:09:22,856 --> 00:09:25,096 Go straight for the dick. 163 00:09:25,177 --> 00:09:26,336 It's the better play. 164 00:09:28,057 --> 00:09:31,856 So, come on, what do you pull in a good year? 165 00:09:31,936 --> 00:09:33,016 Fifty thousand. 166 00:09:33,097 --> 00:09:35,056 What if I said you could make that in an hour? 167 00:09:35,137 --> 00:09:37,897 Um, I'm not a prostitute. 168 00:09:37,976 --> 00:09:40,936 Not even if the guy is kinda hot in a mean-dad way. 169 00:09:45,097 --> 00:09:46,576 What did you say your name was? 170 00:09:47,896 --> 00:09:51,296 Yessica. It's like "Jessica," but ethnic. 171 00:09:56,257 --> 00:09:58,537 Normally, I'm not an ear girl, 172 00:09:58,616 --> 00:10:01,376 but when Vinnie told me 173 00:10:01,456 --> 00:10:03,937 that he was putting a tongue saber in there, 174 00:10:04,016 --> 00:10:06,536 and he said he was swishing it around, 175 00:10:06,616 --> 00:10:08,857 my chair was like a wading pool. 176 00:10:10,456 --> 00:10:11,977 I mean, don't get me wrong. 177 00:10:12,056 --> 00:10:14,656 The first time you have word-sex, it's nice. 178 00:10:14,737 --> 00:10:17,896 - Mmm-hmm. - But, it's just so much better 179 00:10:17,977 --> 00:10:20,497 when you really know somebody. 180 00:10:20,576 --> 00:10:22,336 So, you feel like you really know him. 181 00:10:22,417 --> 00:10:24,056 Sure, I do. 182 00:10:25,976 --> 00:10:28,537 My mom always said she knew my dad wanted sex 183 00:10:28,616 --> 00:10:31,336 when he didn't ask for seconds at dinner. 184 00:10:31,417 --> 00:10:34,777 And my dad said he knew my mom wanted sex 185 00:10:34,856 --> 00:10:37,177 when she got me and my sister Blockbuster videos. 186 00:10:40,177 --> 00:10:42,536 I always wanted to know someone that well. 187 00:10:44,336 --> 00:10:45,937 Yeah... 188 00:10:46,016 --> 00:10:47,377 me, too. 189 00:10:51,536 --> 00:10:54,776 So, your parents would talk to you about sex? 190 00:10:54,856 --> 00:10:55,976 Mine would never. 191 00:10:56,056 --> 00:10:57,656 Oh, yeah. 192 00:10:57,736 --> 00:11:00,616 The birds, and the trees, and the bees... 193 00:11:00,697 --> 00:11:02,377 and the knees. 194 00:11:03,136 --> 00:11:05,896 I'm not sure they told you that right. 195 00:11:08,137 --> 00:11:10,616 - Christ on a cracker! - What is it? 196 00:11:11,977 --> 00:11:15,136 The Shower Pooper strikes again. 197 00:11:15,217 --> 00:11:17,176 Ugh, this has happened before? 198 00:11:17,257 --> 00:11:18,776 Two or three times. 199 00:11:18,856 --> 00:11:21,016 How do you know it's the same person? 200 00:11:21,097 --> 00:11:24,416 Heft, density, hue. 201 00:11:24,496 --> 00:11:26,656 It's as personal as a signature, if you think about it. 202 00:11:26,737 --> 00:11:28,736 You know, that reminds me, 203 00:11:28,816 --> 00:11:31,936 there was this guy in my high school who knew how to sign his name in... 204 00:11:32,017 --> 00:11:34,096 No, no, no, no, no, please, Suzanne. 205 00:11:34,177 --> 00:11:36,056 It is too early for that. 206 00:11:36,136 --> 00:11:38,336 We need to catch this person before she strikes again. 207 00:11:38,416 --> 00:11:40,897 I do not even know where to start. 208 00:11:40,976 --> 00:11:47,416 Oh, one starts by following every angle, examining every clue. 209 00:11:47,497 --> 00:11:51,697 By seeing patterns of behavior where no one else can see. 210 00:11:51,776 --> 00:11:53,656 Until finally... 211 00:11:53,737 --> 00:11:55,616 you catch the pooper 212 00:11:55,696 --> 00:12:00,416 in a trap of her own making. 213 00:12:00,496 --> 00:12:01,897 You mean... 214 00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:04,576 like detectives? 215 00:12:08,377 --> 00:12:10,456 Now, the keynote address by Kip Carnigan 216 00:12:10,537 --> 00:12:12,616 will begin at 3:00 p.m. in the Laurel room. 217 00:12:12,697 --> 00:12:15,656 - No pre-registration... - All right, you two are all set. 218 00:12:15,736 --> 00:12:16,816 - Thank you. - Mmm. 219 00:12:16,897 --> 00:12:19,136 - Hey, thanks. - Have fun in there. 220 00:12:23,977 --> 00:12:25,256 Whoa. 221 00:12:25,336 --> 00:12:26,896 What are these supposed to be for? 222 00:12:26,977 --> 00:12:28,456 Promotional purposes. 223 00:12:42,376 --> 00:12:46,576 Our prize-winning system can detect and pinpoint 224 00:12:46,657 --> 00:12:49,537 any cell phone within a two-mile radius. 225 00:12:58,537 --> 00:12:59,816 Linda. 226 00:13:00,817 --> 00:13:02,816 Saw you're on a panel, you rock star. 227 00:13:02,896 --> 00:13:05,696 Oh, Russ. It's just a panel, not a breakout session. 228 00:13:05,776 --> 00:13:07,777 Still. It's huge. 229 00:13:07,856 --> 00:13:09,457 So what's the hot booth this year? 230 00:13:09,536 --> 00:13:11,257 Laser guns. 231 00:13:11,336 --> 00:13:13,096 But the wait is epic. 232 00:13:13,177 --> 00:13:15,136 Catch you two on the other side. 233 00:13:15,217 --> 00:13:17,896 We at R and R Ministries could not be more proud 234 00:13:17,977 --> 00:13:20,696 of our faith-based rehabilitation program, 235 00:13:20,776 --> 00:13:22,936 utilizing New Testament stories 236 00:13:23,017 --> 00:13:26,936 to help inmates establish a firm moral foundation. 237 00:13:27,016 --> 00:13:29,617 Oh, right. Because we should treat them like Sunday schoolers, 238 00:13:29,696 --> 00:13:31,216 not dangerous criminals. 239 00:13:31,297 --> 00:13:34,136 Our fences are made from a state-of-the-art titanium alloy, 240 00:13:34,216 --> 00:13:39,496 which is fireproof, plier-proof, tamperproof, foolproof. 241 00:13:39,576 --> 00:13:41,696 - We could really use some of this stuff. - Ooh. 242 00:13:41,776 --> 00:13:43,456 Not on MCC's budget. 243 00:13:45,416 --> 00:13:48,416 Think of this less as a shopping trip and more of a brainstorming sesh. 244 00:13:50,856 --> 00:13:52,176 I have enough of that in my life. 245 00:13:52,256 --> 00:13:54,896 It's just for fun, silly. I think it's ice cream. 246 00:13:54,976 --> 00:13:58,096 It's time to enter the 21st century, people. 247 00:13:58,176 --> 00:14:01,936 The old-fashioned maxi pad can be a budget-killer. 248 00:14:02,016 --> 00:14:06,416 These durable, reusable plastic menstruation capture cups 249 00:14:06,496 --> 00:14:10,096 are a one-time expenditure for your women's facility. 250 00:14:11,056 --> 00:14:12,136 And this is safe? 251 00:14:12,216 --> 00:14:13,336 Missed me. 252 00:14:13,416 --> 00:14:15,456 Oh, it is 100% non-deadly. 253 00:14:15,536 --> 00:14:17,656 Right now, the laser's on setting two, 254 00:14:17,736 --> 00:14:20,456 your basic sunburn-level discomfort. 255 00:14:20,536 --> 00:14:25,496 Dial that bad boy up to ten... we're talking third-degree burns. 256 00:14:25,576 --> 00:14:28,096 Andale, Andale! Speedy... Ow! 257 00:14:29,376 --> 00:14:31,056 Just a little sting. 258 00:14:31,136 --> 00:14:32,736 Nothing I can't... 259 00:14:36,576 --> 00:14:38,176 Nice shooting, Tex. 260 00:14:41,816 --> 00:14:43,296 Well, well. 261 00:14:43,376 --> 00:14:45,256 Wouldn't wanna run into you in the prison yard. 262 00:14:45,336 --> 00:14:47,416 Kip Carnigan. 263 00:14:47,496 --> 00:14:49,656 They couldn't find anybody else to give the keynote this year? 264 00:14:49,736 --> 00:14:50,776 Gandhi, maybe? 265 00:14:50,856 --> 00:14:53,416 Oh, I heard they approached him, but his corpse was booked solid. 266 00:14:53,496 --> 00:14:54,456 Who's your friend? 267 00:14:54,536 --> 00:14:56,776 This is Joe Caputo from Litchfield. 268 00:14:56,856 --> 00:14:58,616 He is the dark horse to be the next you. 269 00:15:00,336 --> 00:15:02,896 - Good luck with that. - Thank you, future me. 270 00:15:04,616 --> 00:15:06,336 You're a lucky man. 271 00:15:06,416 --> 00:15:07,816 Oh, we're not... 272 00:15:07,896 --> 00:15:10,256 Oh, my God, was that okay? 273 00:15:10,336 --> 00:15:12,296 Did I sound normal? Was that like... 274 00:15:12,376 --> 00:15:14,576 Sure. What's the big deal? 275 00:15:14,656 --> 00:15:16,896 That's Kip Carnigan, he used to be the warden over at Sitwell 276 00:15:16,976 --> 00:15:18,216 and now he is, like... 277 00:15:18,296 --> 00:15:20,376 the face of corrections in America. 278 00:15:21,376 --> 00:15:22,616 Oh, wow. 279 00:15:24,936 --> 00:15:27,056 Okay... warden. 280 00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:38,616 Jefferson. 281 00:15:38,696 --> 00:15:41,496 Who does the purchase orders for maxi pads and so forth? 282 00:15:42,216 --> 00:15:44,056 Hmm. Uh... 283 00:15:44,136 --> 00:15:47,576 you might want to talk to the VP of Purchasing for that. 284 00:15:47,656 --> 00:15:50,136 Linda... something. 285 00:15:50,216 --> 00:15:51,736 Are you supposed to be on that? 286 00:15:51,816 --> 00:15:55,176 Mr. Caputo wants me to make sure all his files are in order. 287 00:16:20,496 --> 00:16:23,096 Ooh! That's what I'm talking about! 288 00:16:26,216 --> 00:16:28,096 I'm the boss of this bitch! 289 00:16:36,216 --> 00:16:37,616 Psst. 290 00:16:37,696 --> 00:16:38,896 I swear, 291 00:16:38,976 --> 00:16:42,216 you get busted with that thing and none of us ever met you. 292 00:16:42,296 --> 00:16:43,376 It's self-defense. 293 00:16:43,456 --> 00:16:45,256 That poi snorter stole our inventory. 294 00:16:45,336 --> 00:16:47,056 Inventory's not the problem. 295 00:16:48,256 --> 00:16:51,016 We got two weeks of ripe fruit ready to sell. 296 00:16:51,096 --> 00:16:55,136 And my stupid cousin Alonso is gonna do the selling. 297 00:16:55,216 --> 00:16:57,816 Our problem is getting everything out. 298 00:16:57,896 --> 00:16:59,856 I don't know how fucking Chapman does it. 299 00:17:00,856 --> 00:17:02,736 Probably, she uses her sexuality? 300 00:17:03,896 --> 00:17:06,256 Why can't we use our sexuality? 301 00:17:06,336 --> 00:17:07,296 'Cause we better than that. 302 00:17:07,376 --> 00:17:09,456 Can't we just throw 'em over the fence? It ain't that high. 303 00:17:09,536 --> 00:17:11,856 They got guards up there with guns and shit. 304 00:17:12,536 --> 00:17:15,096 Plus, people saying they watching us with drones now. 305 00:17:15,176 --> 00:17:18,016 What if we build our own drone that works for us? 306 00:17:18,096 --> 00:17:20,416 Um... anybody else? 307 00:17:21,256 --> 00:17:24,136 Or we could dig a tunnel, like we're El Chapo or in the movies. 308 00:17:24,216 --> 00:17:25,656 Guys, I got an idea. 309 00:17:25,736 --> 00:17:28,296 Or we could knock out a guard and take his uniform, like in the movies. 310 00:17:28,376 --> 00:17:31,776 Okay, anybody got any non-movie, non-El Chapo ideas? 311 00:17:31,856 --> 00:17:35,376 Maritza's got an idea, or she's drying out her armpits. 312 00:17:35,456 --> 00:17:38,136 Seriously, guys? I have a van. 313 00:17:44,536 --> 00:17:47,536 See, the hot girls stand out front to draw people in. 314 00:17:47,616 --> 00:17:49,136 She's not that hot. 315 00:17:49,216 --> 00:17:50,776 You should put your hair up like hers, Jessica. 316 00:17:50,856 --> 00:17:52,056 You have to blend in. 317 00:17:52,136 --> 00:17:55,456 Did you know a ponytail is like a natural facelift? 318 00:17:56,656 --> 00:17:58,496 So, what's the first thing you do? 319 00:17:59,216 --> 00:18:00,816 - I find my mark. - Good. 320 00:18:01,296 --> 00:18:02,656 Will his name be Mark? 321 00:18:05,136 --> 00:18:06,176 Kidding! 322 00:18:09,216 --> 00:18:11,016 Pick a rich guy, obviously. 323 00:18:11,696 --> 00:18:13,056 Old and rich, if possible. 324 00:18:13,136 --> 00:18:15,256 You're looking for a guy who's too ugly to have you as a girlfriend, 325 00:18:15,336 --> 00:18:16,336 if he didn't have any money. 326 00:18:16,416 --> 00:18:18,256 Aw, that's so sweet. 327 00:18:19,016 --> 00:18:20,776 Wait. Catch this. 328 00:18:21,656 --> 00:18:24,776 "Hmm. Hey, baby. Do you come with the car?" 329 00:18:24,856 --> 00:18:27,416 "Tee-hee. I've totally never heard that joke before." 330 00:18:28,576 --> 00:18:31,696 Whoa, she's giving him the head toss. 331 00:18:31,776 --> 00:18:33,936 That's like two clicks away from a blowie. 332 00:18:36,296 --> 00:18:38,656 "Ooh, your wallet looks so heavy." 333 00:18:38,736 --> 00:18:40,776 All right. So, now you have your mark, what do you do next? 334 00:18:40,856 --> 00:18:43,336 Take his ID to the desk and get the keys. 335 00:18:43,416 --> 00:18:45,856 Only now, instead of Judy Salesgirl, you're Mrs. Mark, 336 00:18:45,936 --> 00:18:48,376 and you want to take a test drive with your husband. 337 00:18:48,456 --> 00:18:51,816 You leave his ID, you take the keys and you walk the mark to the car. 338 00:18:52,416 --> 00:18:55,376 If I forget to tell you guys later, I'm having a really good time. 339 00:18:55,456 --> 00:18:57,496 All right. Now, you take your mark on his test drive, 340 00:18:57,576 --> 00:18:59,696 drop him off in front of the dealership after, 341 00:18:59,776 --> 00:19:02,416 and bam, you drive off into the sunset. Any questions? 342 00:19:02,496 --> 00:19:06,136 What if the mark's name happens to be Mark? 343 00:19:08,656 --> 00:19:10,576 Oh, my God! Kidding! 344 00:19:16,616 --> 00:19:18,896 Man, this shit better be on fleek for ten bucks a box. 345 00:19:21,456 --> 00:19:23,096 Hey, you mind loaning me one of those? 346 00:19:24,656 --> 00:19:26,856 You gonna give it back after? 347 00:19:26,936 --> 00:19:29,616 Some of us can't afford to feel the mountain mist. 348 00:19:29,696 --> 00:19:34,536 Well, you know, some of us is chosen and some of us ain't. 349 00:19:34,616 --> 00:19:38,775 Like, first, we was chosen by little white dude with the sneakers 350 00:19:38,856 --> 00:19:40,455 to sew panties for Whispers. 351 00:19:40,536 --> 00:19:43,536 Then, we was chosen by HaShem hisself 352 00:19:43,616 --> 00:19:46,896 to eat tasty broccoli and keep his covenant. 353 00:19:47,936 --> 00:19:49,496 Hmm? Hmm, hmm? 354 00:19:49,575 --> 00:19:53,256 I know there's something in that covenant about generosity. 355 00:19:55,215 --> 00:19:57,696 Oh, wait, wait, um, it's coming to me now. 356 00:19:57,776 --> 00:20:00,656 "If there are poor among you, 357 00:20:00,735 --> 00:20:05,256 do not be selfish or greedy towards them." 358 00:20:05,336 --> 00:20:07,335 Uh, I think that's a Christian thing. 359 00:20:08,655 --> 00:20:10,016 It's the same damn book. 360 00:20:11,295 --> 00:20:13,536 We just got different prophets is all. 361 00:20:14,016 --> 00:20:17,216 Or I guess you're still waiting for yours to show up. 362 00:20:18,135 --> 00:20:20,856 Well, you ain't acting like somebody who wants something from me. 363 00:20:20,936 --> 00:20:22,976 - Purchasing. - What department? 364 00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:24,735 Purchasing! 365 00:20:24,816 --> 00:20:27,375 - What department? - Human being. 366 00:20:27,456 --> 00:20:29,376 Let me speak to a human. 367 00:20:29,456 --> 00:20:31,136 I'm a human. 368 00:20:31,215 --> 00:20:32,336 If you'd like to connect to... 369 00:20:32,415 --> 00:20:33,615 Come in. 370 00:20:35,616 --> 00:20:36,576 You got voicemail trouble? 371 00:20:36,656 --> 00:20:39,576 Uh, typical corporate Charlie Foxtrot. 372 00:20:39,656 --> 00:20:41,415 This is why I don't wear a suit. 373 00:20:41,496 --> 00:20:43,616 This... and my quads are too big. 374 00:20:44,655 --> 00:20:46,656 Uh, don't... wait. Hey. Don't close that. 375 00:20:46,736 --> 00:20:47,976 Sorry. 376 00:20:50,576 --> 00:20:53,096 I'm Piper Chapman. I don't mean to alarm you. 377 00:20:53,175 --> 00:20:55,496 I never come to the administration like this. 378 00:20:55,575 --> 00:20:58,575 But I've been in Litchfield for a while now... 379 00:21:00,375 --> 00:21:02,775 and I have started to feel unsafe lately. 380 00:21:02,856 --> 00:21:04,296 Scared even. 381 00:21:04,376 --> 00:21:06,576 The prison is changing somehow. 382 00:21:08,295 --> 00:21:10,776 - Graffiti on the walls... - I'm aware. 383 00:21:11,856 --> 00:21:14,576 And I just wanted to make sure you knew about... 384 00:21:16,736 --> 00:21:19,776 let's say, a cluster of girls that I've noticed. 385 00:21:19,856 --> 00:21:21,416 Do they gather in groups of four or more? 386 00:21:21,495 --> 00:21:25,016 Oh, yeah. They gather. They are pretty much always gathering. 387 00:21:25,095 --> 00:21:29,336 Have you seen them flashing hand signals or wearing the same colors? 388 00:21:29,415 --> 00:21:32,616 I think I've seen a bunch of them wearing red slipper socks. 389 00:21:34,296 --> 00:21:36,296 And I'm not exactly sure that this is relevant, 390 00:21:36,375 --> 00:21:38,216 but just so you have all the information, 391 00:21:38,295 --> 00:21:39,896 these girls... 392 00:21:41,496 --> 00:21:43,176 share a certain heritage, 393 00:21:43,256 --> 00:21:45,576 a certain noble heritage, 394 00:21:45,656 --> 00:21:48,336 dating all the way back to ancient Mayan civilization. 395 00:21:48,416 --> 00:21:50,816 The Latinas. Got it. 396 00:21:50,895 --> 00:21:52,496 Well, I wasn't gonna say anything. 397 00:21:52,575 --> 00:21:53,936 Chapman... 398 00:21:55,056 --> 00:21:59,456 what you're describing is a prison gang in its infancy. 399 00:21:59,535 --> 00:22:00,975 That sounds serious. 400 00:22:02,216 --> 00:22:03,416 Well... 401 00:22:04,376 --> 00:22:06,896 not if we can prevent them from growing 402 00:22:06,975 --> 00:22:08,576 and getting organized. 403 00:22:08,655 --> 00:22:11,136 Thank you so much, Mr. Piscatella. 404 00:22:12,536 --> 00:22:13,976 I feel safer already. 405 00:22:17,816 --> 00:22:20,175 You know what? I really love your beard. 406 00:22:20,256 --> 00:22:22,416 I've had a beard since tenth grade. 407 00:22:22,496 --> 00:22:24,656 Two beards, actually. 408 00:22:24,735 --> 00:22:27,855 The one on my face, and the one I took to junior prom. 409 00:22:29,256 --> 00:22:30,896 Yeah. 410 00:22:30,975 --> 00:22:32,336 I like dudes. 411 00:22:34,056 --> 00:22:36,495 I will never find you adorable. 412 00:22:37,736 --> 00:22:39,495 Keep that in mind. 413 00:22:47,535 --> 00:22:49,256 When I first started out... 414 00:22:50,376 --> 00:22:52,896 I thought the best way to help an inmate 415 00:22:52,976 --> 00:22:55,856 was to get involved in his day-to-day problems. 416 00:22:56,696 --> 00:23:00,656 The poor guy who was transferred ten states away from his family. 417 00:23:00,735 --> 00:23:03,936 The fella who's on a downward spiral in Seg. 418 00:23:04,016 --> 00:23:07,575 But what I learned is that to actually help them, 419 00:23:07,656 --> 00:23:11,616 you have to make their lives feel full. 420 00:23:11,696 --> 00:23:13,496 One time I did the math. 421 00:23:13,575 --> 00:23:17,856 I figured that, all together, the inmates on my watch 422 00:23:17,936 --> 00:23:23,216 had over 17,000 years of time on their sentences. 423 00:23:24,375 --> 00:23:26,295 Seventeen thousand years. 424 00:23:28,976 --> 00:23:31,656 That's longer than human recorded history. 425 00:23:33,255 --> 00:23:37,656 That is a hell of a lot of time to get something accomplished, 426 00:23:37,736 --> 00:23:40,416 to redeem lives. 427 00:23:40,496 --> 00:23:42,456 I just got the goosies. 428 00:23:42,536 --> 00:23:45,495 If only we can stop fixating on the days, 429 00:23:45,576 --> 00:23:48,336 and start thinking about the years. 430 00:24:23,696 --> 00:24:25,695 Oh, hell, no. 431 00:24:32,096 --> 00:24:34,376 Aw, so cute. 432 00:24:38,856 --> 00:24:41,535 Maybe it's a real old person and they can't help it. 433 00:24:41,616 --> 00:24:43,815 Nah, it's not an accident. 434 00:24:43,896 --> 00:24:46,616 Plus, you gotta be able to squat to poop in a shower, 435 00:24:46,695 --> 00:24:49,616 and old people are bad at squatting. 436 00:24:49,695 --> 00:24:53,336 Maybe they're very busy, and they're multitasking. 437 00:24:53,415 --> 00:24:56,376 My sister used to brush her teeth in the shower. 438 00:25:02,055 --> 00:25:03,175 Takin' all the hot water! 439 00:25:10,296 --> 00:25:11,335 Squatter. 440 00:25:11,415 --> 00:25:13,656 A-ha! 441 00:25:13,735 --> 00:25:14,815 Fuck off. 442 00:25:14,895 --> 00:25:16,815 - Sorry. - Nice work. 443 00:25:18,975 --> 00:25:20,016 So, here's the thing. 444 00:25:20,095 --> 00:25:22,815 I don't think the pooper's gonna poop at peak time. 445 00:25:22,896 --> 00:25:25,455 Oh, unless they're an exhibitionist pooper. 446 00:25:25,536 --> 00:25:27,855 - A poopscabitionist. - Hmm. 447 00:25:27,936 --> 00:25:29,095 Let me ask you this. 448 00:25:29,175 --> 00:25:32,376 How do they start in those detective novels? 449 00:25:32,455 --> 00:25:36,175 They gather up the usual suspects, people with criminal records. 450 00:25:36,255 --> 00:25:37,656 - Oh, criminal records, you say? - Fuck off! 451 00:25:37,735 --> 00:25:40,656 Suzanne, hey. That's everyone. 452 00:25:40,735 --> 00:25:42,096 True. 453 00:25:42,175 --> 00:25:43,735 True, true, true. 454 00:25:43,815 --> 00:25:47,976 Well, they also try to get inside of the mind of the criminal. 455 00:25:50,376 --> 00:25:52,735 Hello... Suzanne. 456 00:25:55,536 --> 00:25:56,895 Ugh... 457 00:25:58,695 --> 00:25:59,935 That's my ex. 458 00:26:00,015 --> 00:26:01,455 Oh, my goodness. She is pretty. 459 00:26:02,256 --> 00:26:04,656 She could use a little more makeup, of course. 460 00:26:04,735 --> 00:26:07,575 They make it waterproof now, so you never have to take it off. 461 00:26:07,656 --> 00:26:09,495 Yeah, I mean, it was good for a while, 462 00:26:09,576 --> 00:26:12,055 but then she started getting too clingy. 463 00:26:12,135 --> 00:26:15,936 You know, started leaving little gifts on my pillow, like daisy chains. 464 00:26:16,015 --> 00:26:21,535 You don't think that she might be leaving any other kinds of "gifts"? 465 00:26:21,615 --> 00:26:23,256 No. 466 00:26:25,575 --> 00:26:27,655 No. 467 00:26:30,336 --> 00:26:32,815 Suspect number one. 468 00:26:32,895 --> 00:26:34,855 The game is afoot. 469 00:26:34,935 --> 00:26:36,895 Attention, inmates. The updated facility rules 470 00:26:36,975 --> 00:26:39,615 and inmate discipline list is posted in the day room. 471 00:26:43,695 --> 00:26:44,856 All right, get out of here. 472 00:26:46,975 --> 00:26:49,255 All right, ladies. Up against the wall. 473 00:26:49,335 --> 00:26:50,376 This is straight-up profiling. 474 00:26:50,455 --> 00:26:52,695 Oh, no, no. These are just random searches. 475 00:26:53,815 --> 00:26:54,975 - Get it out. - And what about her? 476 00:26:55,056 --> 00:26:56,055 Hands against the wall. 477 00:26:56,136 --> 00:26:57,295 - I didn't do nothing. - Shut up. 478 00:27:00,336 --> 00:27:01,656 Oh, bingo. 479 00:27:03,696 --> 00:27:05,295 How many shots is that, Humps? 480 00:27:06,295 --> 00:27:08,016 As many as you want. 481 00:27:13,255 --> 00:27:15,415 It's just one shot for you. 482 00:27:15,495 --> 00:27:17,136 Next time bring enough for everybody. 483 00:27:17,215 --> 00:27:19,695 Hey, Humphrey, how do you know when an inmate's lying? 484 00:27:19,776 --> 00:27:21,615 - How? - She opens her mouth. 485 00:27:22,575 --> 00:27:24,096 That's funny. 486 00:27:24,175 --> 00:27:25,215 Well, hey there, Hot Pants. 487 00:27:25,296 --> 00:27:27,015 - You talking to me? - Well, that's your name, isn't it? 488 00:27:27,096 --> 00:27:29,136 - Actually, it's Mendoza. - Oh, that wasn't a question. 489 00:27:30,415 --> 00:27:32,655 Better get a cavity search on that one. 490 00:27:32,736 --> 00:27:34,575 She's gotta be hiding something in an ass that big. 491 00:27:34,656 --> 00:27:35,736 Oh, yeah? 492 00:27:37,335 --> 00:27:39,175 It helps to give 'em a compliment, now and then. 493 00:27:39,255 --> 00:27:40,215 Boosts morale. 494 00:27:40,296 --> 00:27:42,295 Don't think I'm not taking this to your superior. 495 00:27:42,375 --> 00:27:44,575 Oh, Officer Dixon answers to Officer Dixon. 496 00:27:44,655 --> 00:27:46,375 Don't we answer to Piscatella? 497 00:27:46,455 --> 00:27:48,936 Jesus, McCullough. You are such a boner killer. 498 00:27:49,935 --> 00:27:52,015 Make sure you go deep. 499 00:27:58,335 --> 00:28:02,136 "Media Relations: Turning Scandals into Scandal-ade." 500 00:28:02,215 --> 00:28:03,895 That sounds useful. Put a star by it. 501 00:28:03,975 --> 00:28:05,055 Yeah. 502 00:28:05,136 --> 00:28:07,176 Uh... "Prison Health Care Rights and Wrongs: 503 00:28:07,255 --> 00:28:09,855 Taking Max to the Max." 504 00:28:09,936 --> 00:28:11,136 Mmm... nah. 505 00:28:12,135 --> 00:28:15,336 "Immigration Violations: The Next Gold Mine." 506 00:28:16,935 --> 00:28:18,135 What was the last gold mine? 507 00:28:19,575 --> 00:28:21,775 I don't know, the war on drugs, I guess? 508 00:28:28,056 --> 00:28:32,095 That thing he said, about making their lives full. 509 00:28:32,175 --> 00:28:33,375 Feel full. 510 00:28:34,255 --> 00:28:35,695 You think we can do that at Litchfield? 511 00:28:36,415 --> 00:28:37,776 We can do whatever we want. 512 00:28:39,615 --> 00:28:41,215 Well, I want that. 513 00:28:42,255 --> 00:28:44,095 I wanna give that to them. 514 00:28:44,695 --> 00:28:46,455 As long as it fits in the budget. 515 00:28:51,175 --> 00:28:52,735 I'm a little nervous. 516 00:28:53,895 --> 00:28:56,055 - About the panel? - Mmm-hmm. 517 00:28:56,136 --> 00:28:57,255 You're gonna be great. 518 00:28:57,336 --> 00:28:59,455 I mean, I know purchasing isn't a sexy topic 519 00:28:59,535 --> 00:29:01,416 like drugs or capital punishment, but... 520 00:29:01,495 --> 00:29:02,455 Don't say that. 521 00:29:02,535 --> 00:29:06,775 I just am gonna be up there representing MCC and I... 522 00:29:06,855 --> 00:29:08,775 I really wanna knock it out of the park. 523 00:29:08,856 --> 00:29:10,335 Linda... 524 00:29:10,416 --> 00:29:13,255 you don't even know what you are. 525 00:29:14,175 --> 00:29:17,415 You are the Mickey Mantle of MCC. 526 00:29:17,496 --> 00:29:21,295 You are the Cy Young of Correctional Purchasing. 527 00:29:21,375 --> 00:29:22,815 Are those sports people? 528 00:29:23,535 --> 00:29:24,895 Does the pope shit in the woods? 529 00:29:26,455 --> 00:29:28,495 Oh, Joe. You're so funny. 530 00:29:31,975 --> 00:29:35,575 Oh, look, "Shanks for the Memories: A History of Prison Weapons." 531 00:29:41,655 --> 00:29:42,975 Bye-bye, sleep mask. 532 00:29:43,855 --> 00:29:45,415 Time to meet my snizz. 533 00:29:45,495 --> 00:29:47,455 Think it'll stay in? 534 00:29:47,535 --> 00:29:50,215 Just don't lose it up there, that could get serious. 535 00:29:53,376 --> 00:29:55,375 Well, la-di-da. 536 00:29:56,376 --> 00:29:58,375 Little Miss One Percent herself. 537 00:29:58,455 --> 00:30:00,175 Hey, what are you charging for one of those? 538 00:30:02,575 --> 00:30:04,135 Five dollars. 539 00:30:04,975 --> 00:30:07,056 Guadalupe was charging a buck yesterday! 540 00:30:07,135 --> 00:30:10,015 Inflation, like we back in the Bush era. 541 00:30:10,095 --> 00:30:12,415 Bitch, you never left the Bush era, 542 00:30:12,495 --> 00:30:14,895 judging by all that creeping from your panties. 543 00:30:14,976 --> 00:30:16,615 I'll give you three bucks. 544 00:30:17,895 --> 00:30:18,855 You got it right now? 545 00:30:18,935 --> 00:30:20,655 No, but I can get it to you by the end of the week. 546 00:30:20,735 --> 00:30:22,975 Don't do it. She'll charge you interest. 547 00:30:23,055 --> 00:30:24,335 That's what her people do. 548 00:30:25,895 --> 00:30:30,295 I know you did not just call me a money lender. 549 00:30:30,375 --> 00:30:31,935 'Cause that right there would be hate speech. 550 00:30:32,015 --> 00:30:34,695 What if we got something to trade? 551 00:30:34,775 --> 00:30:36,455 Something you might really want. 552 00:30:36,535 --> 00:30:38,575 No trades. 553 00:30:39,655 --> 00:30:46,135 The only language this Jew here speak is cold hard cash. 554 00:30:46,975 --> 00:30:49,695 You see, it's okay when I say it. 555 00:31:27,535 --> 00:31:28,655 Is anything the matter? 556 00:31:29,335 --> 00:31:30,895 Gold star for you, Chapman. 557 00:31:31,775 --> 00:31:33,015 Your intel was good. 558 00:31:33,095 --> 00:31:34,255 Really? 559 00:31:36,455 --> 00:31:38,535 - What did you find out? - None of your concern. 560 00:31:39,975 --> 00:31:41,215 Let me just say, 561 00:31:41,295 --> 00:31:44,615 if you felt like assembling a group of like-minded individuals, 562 00:31:44,695 --> 00:31:46,575 reliable inmates like yourself, 563 00:31:46,655 --> 00:31:49,175 with an interest in keeping this prison gang-free... 564 00:31:49,975 --> 00:31:52,015 I assembled a task force once at Smith. 565 00:31:53,295 --> 00:31:55,135 There was somebody putting bubble baths in all the fountains, 566 00:31:55,215 --> 00:31:56,455 and we totally caught her. 567 00:31:56,535 --> 00:31:57,575 Bubble bath. 568 00:31:58,495 --> 00:32:00,055 Is that related to bath salts? 569 00:32:00,135 --> 00:32:01,855 No, it's just bubbles. 570 00:32:01,935 --> 00:32:03,335 For baths? 571 00:32:03,975 --> 00:32:07,135 It was right before parents weekend, so the administration was really upset. 572 00:32:08,815 --> 00:32:10,375 But gangs. 573 00:32:10,455 --> 00:32:11,895 Gangs, Mr. Piscatella... 574 00:32:12,935 --> 00:32:14,575 gangs are the issue here. 575 00:32:14,655 --> 00:32:17,375 And I will assemble a task force to stop them. 576 00:32:19,055 --> 00:32:20,015 Sir. 577 00:32:20,095 --> 00:32:22,575 You really shouldn't do that unless you're in the armed forces. 578 00:32:22,655 --> 00:32:23,935 How do you know I'm not? 579 00:32:25,895 --> 00:32:27,255 It won't happen again. 580 00:32:31,455 --> 00:32:33,935 Mr. Piscatella, you got a minute? 581 00:32:34,655 --> 00:32:36,535 - What is it, inmate? - Gloria Mendoza. 582 00:32:36,615 --> 00:32:37,975 I just thought that you should know 583 00:32:38,055 --> 00:32:40,375 that some of your new guards are stopping girls for no reason 584 00:32:40,455 --> 00:32:42,895 - and being extra invasive. - Yeah? 585 00:32:42,975 --> 00:32:44,535 And everyone they're stopping looks like... 586 00:32:44,615 --> 00:32:46,135 Like you? 587 00:32:46,615 --> 00:32:48,415 Look, I didn't go to law school or nothing, 588 00:32:48,495 --> 00:32:51,575 but I know that they gotta be stepping on a few civil liberties here. 589 00:32:51,655 --> 00:32:53,895 You committed a crime, inmate. 590 00:32:54,815 --> 00:32:58,055 So, if you wanna see who "stepped on your civil liberties," 591 00:32:58,135 --> 00:33:00,095 check under your own boot. 592 00:33:06,895 --> 00:33:09,335 Flaca and Maritza together again. 593 00:33:09,415 --> 00:33:12,775 It's like we're back in the kitchen, but crime-ier. 594 00:33:12,855 --> 00:33:14,975 Does it show? 595 00:33:15,055 --> 00:33:17,575 Mmm-mmm, it looks like you had a big plate of pasta. 596 00:33:17,655 --> 00:33:19,335 Oh, my God, I'm a fatty! 597 00:33:19,415 --> 00:33:20,775 But it's for a good cause. 598 00:33:21,775 --> 00:33:23,375 Are you nervous? 599 00:33:23,455 --> 00:33:24,495 It's only boys. 600 00:33:24,575 --> 00:33:26,775 Once you get the blood rushing to their dicks, 601 00:33:26,855 --> 00:33:28,175 they're like your servants. 602 00:33:28,255 --> 00:33:30,295 All I gotta do is convince the one guy 603 00:33:30,375 --> 00:33:33,175 who always watches me to go inside and party with the others. 604 00:33:33,255 --> 00:33:35,855 Then there's ten minutes before I drive the day shift up. 605 00:33:35,935 --> 00:33:39,215 Ten minutes for Alonso to grab that shit from the wheel well. 606 00:33:40,295 --> 00:33:41,415 Shit. 607 00:33:44,815 --> 00:33:46,175 - Go now. - What? 608 00:33:46,255 --> 00:33:47,935 Do it! Do it now, trust me. 609 00:33:52,535 --> 00:33:53,895 What, I don't get any love? 610 00:33:55,455 --> 00:33:56,495 Well, that's a new one. 611 00:33:56,575 --> 00:33:59,455 We don't get touched a lot in here, except by the lezzies. 612 00:33:59,535 --> 00:34:01,695 Sometimes, you need a little human contact. 613 00:34:01,775 --> 00:34:03,255 Especially by an expert. 614 00:34:13,455 --> 00:34:14,455 Ooh! 615 00:34:25,775 --> 00:34:27,095 You're all set. 616 00:34:27,175 --> 00:34:29,095 Hope it was as good for you as it was for me. 617 00:34:29,175 --> 00:34:30,975 Don't forget about my friend over there. 618 00:34:31,055 --> 00:34:33,415 She really misses her boyfriend. 619 00:34:33,495 --> 00:34:35,255 Last frisk of the day. 620 00:35:24,375 --> 00:35:25,535 Can I help you, miss? 621 00:35:25,615 --> 00:35:27,935 I'm just looking for now, thanks. 622 00:35:28,535 --> 00:35:30,215 So comfy. 623 00:35:30,295 --> 00:35:33,015 - I'm Lucas, if you need anything. - Thanks. 624 00:35:42,255 --> 00:35:43,895 Ever drive one of these bad boys? 625 00:35:43,975 --> 00:35:45,415 Uh... 626 00:35:45,495 --> 00:35:48,375 I wasted half my life driving a Saab. 627 00:35:48,455 --> 00:35:50,455 My wife always said they were safe in an accident. 628 00:35:50,935 --> 00:35:54,495 But they still couldn't pull any bodies from the car wreck of our marriage. 629 00:35:57,655 --> 00:35:58,615 You are bad. 630 00:36:00,295 --> 00:36:01,255 Well... 631 00:36:01,895 --> 00:36:03,975 you see anything here you like? 632 00:36:04,055 --> 00:36:06,215 Uh... definitely. 633 00:36:06,295 --> 00:36:07,975 Uh, what would you recommend? 634 00:36:08,055 --> 00:36:10,615 Well, the Gran Turismo is awesome, 635 00:36:10,695 --> 00:36:14,495 but the Gran Cabrio always gives me a special little tingle. 636 00:36:14,575 --> 00:36:16,455 The Gran Cabrio it is. 637 00:36:17,175 --> 00:36:20,495 We're just gonna need some ID and I'll go hook you up with the keys. 638 00:36:30,935 --> 00:36:32,815 How can we help you today, Mrs... 639 00:36:32,894 --> 00:36:33,854 Spencer. 640 00:36:34,855 --> 00:36:38,015 My hubby and I would like to take the Gran Cabrio out for a spin. 641 00:36:39,415 --> 00:36:40,735 He's the one over there. 642 00:36:40,814 --> 00:36:42,215 Ain't he cute? 643 00:36:43,175 --> 00:36:44,215 Very distinguished. 644 00:36:44,294 --> 00:36:45,695 His name is Edward. 645 00:36:47,054 --> 00:36:49,615 All right, Mrs. Spencer. 646 00:36:49,694 --> 00:36:52,535 You are all set. 647 00:36:52,615 --> 00:36:54,734 You can take the one down in front in Etruscan onyx. 648 00:36:55,775 --> 00:36:57,614 Uh, Etruscan... 649 00:36:57,695 --> 00:36:59,455 Between the classic obsidian and the midnight noir. 650 00:36:59,534 --> 00:37:01,615 Oh, the Etruscan onyx! 651 00:37:05,855 --> 00:37:08,174 Wait till you feel this transaxle layout. 652 00:37:08,255 --> 00:37:10,135 A pretty lady who knows cars. 653 00:37:10,214 --> 00:37:11,774 This is like a junior high wet dream. 654 00:37:11,855 --> 00:37:14,294 It's important to chase your dreams. After you. 655 00:37:26,015 --> 00:37:27,935 Hey, sorry I got held up. 656 00:37:28,015 --> 00:37:30,254 Can't wait to tell you more about this beauty. 657 00:37:46,334 --> 00:37:48,895 It's a pretty good squat you got there, Jefferson. 658 00:37:48,974 --> 00:37:50,815 Strong knees. 659 00:37:50,894 --> 00:37:51,974 Thanks. 660 00:37:52,055 --> 00:37:54,055 Do you find yourself squatting 661 00:37:54,134 --> 00:37:57,215 in unusual places throughout the course of your day? 662 00:37:57,295 --> 00:38:00,175 Places that people wouldn't normally squat? 663 00:38:00,254 --> 00:38:02,534 What the fuck are you talking about? 664 00:38:02,615 --> 00:38:04,094 I have no idea. 665 00:38:32,475 --> 00:38:35,034 I mean, we have all met those CFOs 666 00:38:35,115 --> 00:38:38,754 who think that Purchasing is only about cost reduction. 667 00:38:38,835 --> 00:38:42,035 But it's like, hello, haven't they ever heard of strategic sourcing, 668 00:38:42,114 --> 00:38:44,795 discount procurement, or commodity cultivation? 669 00:38:44,874 --> 00:38:45,834 That's fascinating. 670 00:38:45,915 --> 00:38:49,395 I'm sorry to take us into choppy waters, but... 671 00:38:49,475 --> 00:38:51,555 how do you respond to the critics who say 672 00:38:51,635 --> 00:38:55,595 the bottom line is affecting the prisoners' quality of life? 673 00:38:55,674 --> 00:38:57,114 Well, that is a good question. 674 00:38:58,314 --> 00:39:01,235 And at the end of the day, it is a prison, not the Four Seasons. 675 00:39:02,955 --> 00:39:04,674 Um... but all joking aside, 676 00:39:04,755 --> 00:39:07,835 we at MCC have found that the prisoners' quality of life 677 00:39:07,914 --> 00:39:10,635 has actually improved with the advent of cost... 678 00:39:10,715 --> 00:39:12,995 Why don't you tell 'em how you doubled the beds, Linda? 679 00:39:13,074 --> 00:39:15,315 Uh... 680 00:39:15,395 --> 00:39:16,434 As I was saying... 681 00:39:16,515 --> 00:39:19,074 Or tell 'em about how the food makes everyone puke? 682 00:39:20,835 --> 00:39:23,115 Or that Sophia Burset is in the SHU for no reason? 683 00:39:23,195 --> 00:39:24,515 Hey! That's enough. 684 00:39:24,594 --> 00:39:26,075 Well, if the gentleman has finished, 685 00:39:26,154 --> 00:39:28,235 - there will be a Q and A... - Yeah. I'm finished all right. 686 00:39:28,314 --> 00:39:30,915 I'm finished with a company that refuses to acknowledge 687 00:39:30,995 --> 00:39:34,035 what happens when we monetize human beings. 688 00:39:34,115 --> 00:39:36,275 - Do you wanna sit down? - Do you even see yourselves? 689 00:39:36,354 --> 00:39:39,995 The magic lasers, and... and prison ice cream. 690 00:39:40,074 --> 00:39:45,075 This whole thing is a disgusting display of how industry dollars are spent. 691 00:39:45,155 --> 00:39:46,794 And I was like you a few months ago. 692 00:39:46,875 --> 00:39:49,674 I used to come to this conference every year, 693 00:39:49,755 --> 00:39:52,434 and I never thought about the inmates. 694 00:39:52,515 --> 00:39:56,595 But, you know, maybe you're too afraid to admit it, 695 00:39:56,675 --> 00:39:59,315 but if you just go to my web page, Dannytalkstruth.com... 696 00:39:59,394 --> 00:40:00,354 Why don't you come with me? 697 00:40:00,435 --> 00:40:01,794 Well, I bought a ticket like everybody else. 698 00:40:01,875 --> 00:40:04,035 Hey, why don't you let him go? He's harmless. 699 00:40:04,115 --> 00:40:06,155 - Uh, don't call me harmless, but I... - Are you with him? 700 00:40:06,234 --> 00:40:07,194 I'm just trying to help. 701 00:40:07,275 --> 00:40:08,874 - Hey... - Step back, step back. 702 00:40:08,955 --> 00:40:10,074 That's it. You're done. 703 00:40:10,155 --> 00:40:11,595 Shit. I'm sorry. 704 00:40:11,675 --> 00:40:13,355 This is a misunderstanding. 705 00:40:13,434 --> 00:40:14,595 I am the warden at Litchfield. 706 00:40:14,675 --> 00:40:16,155 The Director of Human Activities. 707 00:40:16,235 --> 00:40:17,754 It's the same fucking thing. 708 00:40:17,835 --> 00:40:20,034 - It's a small point. Sorry, Joe. - It's the same thing. 709 00:40:22,194 --> 00:40:25,835 CorrectiCon Assaultimore, am I right? 710 00:40:35,634 --> 00:40:37,554 Are you sure you don't wanna come with? 711 00:40:37,635 --> 00:40:40,074 We have to take the day shift up in ten minutes. 712 00:40:40,155 --> 00:40:42,275 You can get pretty drunk in ten minutes. 713 00:40:42,354 --> 00:40:44,555 You want me to leave Ramos unattended? 714 00:40:44,634 --> 00:40:45,675 Or bring her with. 715 00:40:45,755 --> 00:40:47,595 You two can give us a little show. 716 00:40:49,395 --> 00:40:51,315 We're good here, thanks. 717 00:41:03,234 --> 00:41:05,754 Aren't you kinda curious what they do in there? 718 00:41:05,835 --> 00:41:07,674 I know exactly what they do. 719 00:41:07,755 --> 00:41:11,394 Scratch each other's balls and play Call of Duty: Guantanamo. 720 00:41:16,355 --> 00:41:19,035 Can you believe this whole maxi pad thing? 721 00:41:19,115 --> 00:41:21,555 I got a wad of toilet paper so far up my hoohoo, 722 00:41:22,235 --> 00:41:24,075 I'm not sure it's ever gonna come out. 723 00:41:24,155 --> 00:41:26,555 And it's giving me a not-so-fresh feeling. 724 00:41:26,634 --> 00:41:29,555 I got a box of tampons at my place. You can borrow one. 725 00:41:29,634 --> 00:41:31,955 - Really? - Just make sure you return it. 726 00:41:53,235 --> 00:41:56,034 The torque vectoring is akin to what you'd find at the Indy 500. 727 00:41:56,115 --> 00:41:59,355 Oh, yeah, I can feel the... torque. 728 00:41:59,434 --> 00:42:01,875 485 foot-pounds of torque. 729 00:42:01,954 --> 00:42:03,675 A Ferrari is only 400. 730 00:42:04,515 --> 00:42:06,195 You know a lot about cars. 731 00:42:06,274 --> 00:42:08,154 Uh, I sure do. 732 00:42:08,235 --> 00:42:10,794 Are there a lot of women in the industry? 733 00:42:12,514 --> 00:42:14,715 Mmm... what would you say? 734 00:42:14,794 --> 00:42:17,554 Yeah, but they're mostly glorified hood ornaments, I'm afraid. 735 00:42:17,634 --> 00:42:20,115 How long have you two been together? 736 00:42:20,194 --> 00:42:23,194 - Me and her? - About ten minutes, ha! 737 00:42:24,714 --> 00:42:25,995 At least, it feels that way. 738 00:42:26,074 --> 00:42:28,434 Time moves pretty fast. 739 00:42:28,515 --> 00:42:30,435 - But not as fast as one of these babies! - Mmm. 740 00:42:30,514 --> 00:42:31,875 Do you have kids? 741 00:42:31,954 --> 00:42:33,034 Yeah... 742 00:42:33,114 --> 00:42:34,875 Two spoiled little monsters. 743 00:42:34,954 --> 00:42:36,394 Fourteen and 16. 744 00:42:37,834 --> 00:42:39,234 From a previous marriage? 745 00:42:39,315 --> 00:42:41,154 Well, I've only been married the once. 746 00:42:41,235 --> 00:42:42,435 Learned my lesson. 747 00:42:42,514 --> 00:42:44,835 - I'm sorry, I thought you... - Edward's pretty tough to nail down. 748 00:42:44,914 --> 00:42:47,634 But you can't blame me for trying. 749 00:42:47,715 --> 00:42:49,635 Trying to close the deal, so to speak. 750 00:42:49,714 --> 00:42:51,075 Good. What about you? 751 00:42:51,154 --> 00:42:52,194 You have kids? 752 00:42:53,955 --> 00:42:55,395 No, silly. 753 00:42:55,474 --> 00:42:57,274 Why would I keep that a secret? 754 00:42:57,354 --> 00:42:58,314 Classic Edward. 755 00:42:58,395 --> 00:43:00,555 Actually, it's Teddy. 756 00:43:00,634 --> 00:43:03,034 Wait till you hear this sound system. 757 00:43:08,034 --> 00:43:09,874 How did you guys meet? 758 00:43:09,954 --> 00:43:11,914 Ooh, feel that bass! 759 00:43:11,994 --> 00:43:14,994 - What kind of meat? - I just love hair metal! 760 00:43:15,075 --> 00:43:16,995 Meet! Where did you meet? 761 00:43:18,195 --> 00:43:20,554 Can you pull over? I think I'm gonna be sick! 762 00:43:24,834 --> 00:43:25,954 Oh. 763 00:43:35,674 --> 00:43:37,155 Are you gonna check on her? 764 00:43:38,434 --> 00:43:40,755 I was gonna ask you the same. 765 00:43:50,595 --> 00:43:52,554 You okay, sweetie? 766 00:43:56,394 --> 00:43:57,874 Hey! Where the hell are you going? 767 00:43:57,954 --> 00:43:59,274 What are you doing? 768 00:44:08,355 --> 00:44:09,714 So, how will you be paying? 769 00:44:19,515 --> 00:44:20,715 You're missing an "E" in "careers." 770 00:44:20,794 --> 00:44:22,234 It's "carers." 771 00:44:23,715 --> 00:44:24,954 Like you care. 772 00:44:26,194 --> 00:44:27,354 Like you give a shit. 773 00:44:27,435 --> 00:44:29,115 "Community Carers"? 774 00:44:30,034 --> 00:44:31,114 That sounds kind of gay. 775 00:44:32,475 --> 00:44:34,434 Gay for safety, maybe. 776 00:44:34,515 --> 00:44:35,595 Gay for justice. 777 00:44:35,674 --> 00:44:37,794 - Huh? - It is not gay. 778 00:44:37,875 --> 00:44:40,234 At least in the pejorative sense. 779 00:44:40,314 --> 00:44:42,195 We are a group of like-minded individuals 780 00:44:42,274 --> 00:44:46,674 that does not want to see this prison overrun by gangs and gang violence. 781 00:44:46,755 --> 00:44:48,114 Don't you want that? 782 00:44:49,234 --> 00:44:50,595 I do. Ow. 783 00:44:52,834 --> 00:44:54,075 You need help spreading the word? 784 00:44:58,515 --> 00:45:00,034 I love it here. 785 00:45:00,114 --> 00:45:03,754 It's, like, where we met, when you think about it. 786 00:45:03,834 --> 00:45:05,355 Yeah, it was pretty romantic. 787 00:45:05,434 --> 00:45:08,274 I mean, you were drooling and dead and shit. 788 00:45:09,634 --> 00:45:12,795 And I'm freaking the fuck out. 789 00:45:12,874 --> 00:45:14,874 Can you read me something in German? 790 00:45:14,955 --> 00:45:16,674 I think it's such a pretty language. 791 00:45:16,755 --> 00:45:19,594 Yeah, maybe compared to, like, American? 792 00:45:20,235 --> 00:45:23,355 - You're so weird. - Stop it! You're weird. 793 00:45:23,434 --> 00:45:25,434 Let's go find... let's go find the Rilke. 794 00:45:25,515 --> 00:45:27,234 Yes! 795 00:45:27,315 --> 00:45:29,194 - Yes! - Okay. 796 00:45:30,514 --> 00:45:31,834 - Turn around, it's this way. - Mmm-mmm. What? 797 00:45:34,914 --> 00:45:36,514 Yay! Story time! 798 00:45:36,594 --> 00:45:38,274 Oh. Shh. 799 00:45:39,234 --> 00:45:40,714 She's been studying all morning. 800 00:45:42,675 --> 00:45:46,755 Oh, my God, trig! My second favorite category in Mathletics. 801 00:45:47,754 --> 00:45:50,595 Lucky me. A fairy god-chink to teach me math. 802 00:45:50,674 --> 00:45:54,795 That's an offensive generalization, although apt in this case. 803 00:45:54,874 --> 00:45:56,314 Yeah, she plays the piano, too. 804 00:45:56,394 --> 00:45:58,674 But I think bubble tea is disgusting. 805 00:45:58,755 --> 00:46:00,954 And I never liked Hello Kitty. She has no mouth. 806 00:46:01,035 --> 00:46:01,995 Okay! 807 00:46:02,074 --> 00:46:04,635 The angle of elevation of a hot air balloon changes 808 00:46:04,714 --> 00:46:07,834 from 25 degrees at 10:00 a.m. to 60 degrees at 10:02 a.m. 809 00:46:07,914 --> 00:46:10,515 Did you already figure out the point of observation? 810 00:46:11,674 --> 00:46:12,714 What the fuck is she saying? 811 00:46:13,275 --> 00:46:15,514 Okay, this is gonna be fun. 812 00:46:15,594 --> 00:46:18,114 But... not as fun as calculus. 813 00:46:18,195 --> 00:46:20,514 I mean, calculus is where math meets poetry. 814 00:46:20,595 --> 00:46:22,515 And together, they give me a brain tumor. 815 00:46:22,594 --> 00:46:23,715 Okay. 816 00:46:23,794 --> 00:46:27,634 First, you're gonna need to find out the tangent of 25 817 00:46:27,714 --> 00:46:29,715 before we can figure out the tangent of 60. 818 00:46:29,794 --> 00:46:31,515 I'm not gonna lie, this is kind of turning me on. 819 00:46:31,594 --> 00:46:34,275 Is this the kind of thing I can use in real life? 820 00:46:34,354 --> 00:46:38,274 'Cause I'm supposed to be a productive member of society. 821 00:46:38,355 --> 00:46:39,315 Or some shit. 822 00:46:39,394 --> 00:46:41,434 Yeah, well, trig is very useful in determining 823 00:46:41,514 --> 00:46:42,994 the distance between celestial bodies. 824 00:46:43,074 --> 00:46:44,595 You're a celestial body. 825 00:46:44,674 --> 00:46:46,354 You're embarrassing me. 826 00:46:46,434 --> 00:46:48,315 Okay. Um... 827 00:46:48,394 --> 00:46:53,154 the upward speed is 3.16 meters per second. 828 00:46:54,154 --> 00:46:56,274 See? There you go. That wasn't too hard, was it? 829 00:46:56,355 --> 00:46:57,834 Yeah. Look at me go. 830 00:46:58,594 --> 00:47:00,314 Yeah! That's the spirit. 831 00:47:05,514 --> 00:47:07,114 Are we talking about the same McCullough? 832 00:47:07,714 --> 00:47:09,474 The one out there with the resting bitch face. 833 00:47:09,554 --> 00:47:11,594 Oh, yeah. Oh, she could totally be cute, 834 00:47:11,674 --> 00:47:13,874 if she got Princess Diaried. 835 00:47:14,714 --> 00:47:16,034 Oh, is that like, uh... 836 00:47:17,634 --> 00:47:18,914 What is that? 837 00:47:19,554 --> 00:47:21,954 It's where the chick in the movie is, like, all right. 838 00:47:22,034 --> 00:47:23,914 Normal. Hot-girl-actress normal. 839 00:47:23,994 --> 00:47:26,234 - Ah. - But then, straighten the hair, right, 840 00:47:26,314 --> 00:47:29,154 take the glasses off, you fix her teeth. 841 00:47:29,234 --> 00:47:31,354 - Yeah. - Give her a couple horse tranquilizers. 842 00:47:31,434 --> 00:47:33,634 There you go. 843 00:47:33,714 --> 00:47:37,954 Dude, you play it so smooth, but you're the biggest dick of all of us. 844 00:47:38,034 --> 00:47:39,114 Are you coming on to me? 845 00:47:39,194 --> 00:47:40,554 - Yes, I am. - It's working. 846 00:47:41,794 --> 00:47:43,394 Hey, Stratman, you want my Coors? 847 00:47:43,954 --> 00:47:45,154 I haven't taken a sip of it yet. 848 00:47:45,234 --> 00:47:47,434 I'm sorry, is Officer Dixon pacing himself? 849 00:47:47,514 --> 00:47:48,794 More room for Jäger. 850 00:47:48,874 --> 00:47:49,834 Oh. 851 00:47:50,714 --> 00:47:51,674 Sure, I guess. 852 00:47:51,754 --> 00:47:53,234 - There you go. - Oh, fuck, man! 853 00:47:53,314 --> 00:47:54,714 - Oh! - What the fuck? 854 00:47:54,794 --> 00:47:56,754 Oh! Classic! 855 00:47:56,834 --> 00:47:58,954 Oh, classic. 856 00:47:59,034 --> 00:48:00,674 I'm never gonna be able to unsee that. 857 00:48:12,354 --> 00:48:13,554 Hey, who's the taco? 858 00:48:16,394 --> 00:48:17,554 Dude! 859 00:48:19,634 --> 00:48:21,594 Yo, amigo! What are you doing here? 860 00:48:23,034 --> 00:48:24,034 Hey, bro. 861 00:48:24,114 --> 00:48:25,434 You habla English? 862 00:48:25,514 --> 00:48:26,914 'Lonso! 863 00:48:26,994 --> 00:48:30,834 You're supposed to trim the bushes on Wednesday, not Tuesday. 864 00:48:32,114 --> 00:48:33,154 Follow me. 865 00:48:34,034 --> 00:48:36,674 - You know this dude? - You guys haven't met Alonso? 866 00:48:36,754 --> 00:48:38,154 He's the gardener guy. 867 00:48:38,874 --> 00:48:40,714 I don't think I've ever seen him sober. 868 00:48:40,794 --> 00:48:43,554 No wonder he don't know his Tuesday from his Wednesday. 869 00:48:43,634 --> 00:48:45,154 Oh, a man after my own heart. 870 00:48:45,714 --> 00:48:47,154 Well, hey, bro, if you could, uh... 871 00:48:47,234 --> 00:48:49,994 take care of the weeds and shit out front, 872 00:48:50,074 --> 00:48:52,034 I know me and the fellas would really appreciate it. 873 00:48:52,594 --> 00:48:55,554 We may be animals, but we're not, you know, animals. 874 00:48:57,234 --> 00:48:58,914 Yes, I... I will do that. 875 00:48:59,634 --> 00:49:00,754 Thanks. 876 00:49:10,194 --> 00:49:13,114 You're smarter than you look, pretty girl. 877 00:49:27,714 --> 00:49:30,794 I know. Sucks being a lady sometimes, doesn't it? 878 00:49:40,594 --> 00:49:42,114 It was... it was all a knee-jerk reaction. 879 00:49:42,194 --> 00:49:44,034 I would actually blame Danny for that. 880 00:49:44,114 --> 00:49:46,194 Go ahead, tell my dad. I don't care. 881 00:49:47,274 --> 00:49:49,034 Why? Why would I tell your dad? 882 00:49:49,954 --> 00:49:50,954 No, I... 883 00:49:51,034 --> 00:49:53,714 I'm only saying if you did, I wouldn't care. 884 00:49:55,354 --> 00:50:00,194 Danny, telling Jack that you were arrested by a Baltimore rent-a-cop 885 00:50:00,274 --> 00:50:04,194 would mean telling him that I was arrested by a Baltimore rent-a-cop. 886 00:50:04,274 --> 00:50:05,834 So rest easy. 887 00:50:05,914 --> 00:50:10,554 Your career as Norma Rae is safe with me. 888 00:50:10,634 --> 00:50:12,234 Oh. Okay. 889 00:50:13,034 --> 00:50:14,234 Thanks. 890 00:50:15,714 --> 00:50:17,594 'Course I can't speak for her. 891 00:50:20,674 --> 00:50:23,034 So... Linda, huh? 892 00:50:24,514 --> 00:50:25,874 I knew you were in bed with my father, 893 00:50:25,954 --> 00:50:28,314 but I didn't know you were doing it with Satan herself. 894 00:50:28,394 --> 00:50:30,074 We're not doing it. 895 00:50:31,314 --> 00:50:32,674 What the hell is that supposed to mean? 896 00:50:34,714 --> 00:50:37,874 From one Director of Human Activity to another... 897 00:50:37,954 --> 00:50:39,154 watch out for that one. 898 00:50:42,594 --> 00:50:43,834 Okay. 899 00:50:45,674 --> 00:50:48,074 I've convinced them that you're no longer a threat to society. 900 00:50:50,154 --> 00:50:51,754 You can leave now, Danny. 901 00:50:52,954 --> 00:50:54,234 Boo. Hiss. 902 00:50:55,554 --> 00:50:57,754 Uh-uh. Not you. 903 00:50:57,834 --> 00:50:59,754 I know, I... 904 00:50:59,834 --> 00:51:00,994 I lost my cool in there. 905 00:51:01,074 --> 00:51:05,554 You should have followed MCC protocol never to engage with a protester. 906 00:51:05,634 --> 00:51:09,394 But that is not your worst offense. 907 00:51:11,034 --> 00:51:12,434 You, sir... 908 00:51:12,514 --> 00:51:14,514 are arrested... 909 00:51:14,594 --> 00:51:16,994 for chivalry in the first degree. 910 00:51:17,754 --> 00:51:18,954 What? 911 00:51:19,034 --> 00:51:21,714 Standing up for me like that. 912 00:51:22,834 --> 00:51:26,314 You are full of surprises, mister. 913 00:51:33,594 --> 00:51:35,034 Those Karate Kid moves. 914 00:51:35,114 --> 00:51:37,074 - I got more moves where that came from. - Oh, yeah? 915 00:51:38,554 --> 00:51:39,954 Let's see. 916 00:51:50,674 --> 00:51:51,634 Oh! 917 00:51:57,754 --> 00:52:01,514 Let me start by saying, I am so encouraged by this turnout. 918 00:52:02,394 --> 00:52:06,074 I always knew that Litchfield had a strong community of carers. 919 00:52:06,154 --> 00:52:08,114 Women who are willing to keep their eyes open 920 00:52:08,194 --> 00:52:10,954 for any miscreant activity, any malfeasance. 921 00:52:13,754 --> 00:52:15,234 Bad stuff. 922 00:52:16,354 --> 00:52:18,234 There is a sickness sweeping this prison. 923 00:52:18,314 --> 00:52:19,314 Like an STD? 924 00:52:19,394 --> 00:52:22,074 A societal STD, you might say. 925 00:52:23,834 --> 00:52:25,194 And we... 926 00:52:26,194 --> 00:52:27,914 we get to be the antibodies. 927 00:52:27,994 --> 00:52:33,834 The medicated cream, I guess, that then fights off that STD. 928 00:52:33,914 --> 00:52:37,514 Whenever you are walking down the halls and you sense a shadowy presence, 929 00:52:37,594 --> 00:52:39,914 whenever the walls are tainted with graffiti... 930 00:52:39,994 --> 00:52:42,274 - She said "taint." - Shh. 931 00:52:42,354 --> 00:52:44,634 What I am trying to say is... 932 00:52:46,474 --> 00:52:49,834 will you join me on a quest to keep our hallways clean 933 00:52:49,914 --> 00:52:52,394 and our hearts pure of purpose? 934 00:52:53,514 --> 00:52:55,394 Piper's right, you guys. 935 00:52:55,474 --> 00:52:59,074 You can't swing a cat around here lately without hitting a dirty Dominican. 936 00:52:59,153 --> 00:53:00,514 Oh, no, that's not what I meant. 937 00:53:00,593 --> 00:53:03,754 Amen to that! You know, we're always having to hear about Latin Pride. 938 00:53:03,833 --> 00:53:05,914 - Yeah. - And Black Pride. 939 00:53:05,993 --> 00:53:07,114 And Asian Pride. 940 00:53:07,193 --> 00:53:08,234 Wait, Asian Pride? 941 00:53:08,314 --> 00:53:10,114 Yo, why can't there be such a thing as White Pride? 942 00:53:10,193 --> 00:53:14,153 Yeah! We're always hearing about how black lives matter. 943 00:53:14,234 --> 00:53:15,994 Well, don't our lives matter? 944 00:53:16,073 --> 00:53:17,273 Right? 945 00:53:17,354 --> 00:53:19,313 White lives matter. 946 00:53:19,394 --> 00:53:21,274 White lives matter! 947 00:53:21,353 --> 00:53:23,314 White lives matter! 948 00:53:23,393 --> 00:53:25,274 White lives matter! 949 00:53:25,354 --> 00:53:26,914 White lives matter! 950 00:53:26,993 --> 00:53:28,634 White lives matter! 951 00:53:28,714 --> 00:53:30,713 White lives matter! 952 00:53:30,794 --> 00:53:32,393 White lives matter! 953 00:53:32,474 --> 00:53:34,234 White lives matter! 954 00:53:34,313 --> 00:53:36,394 White lives matter! 955 00:53:36,473 --> 00:53:38,314 White lives matter! 956 00:53:38,393 --> 00:53:40,034 White lives matter! 957 00:53:40,114 --> 00:53:41,354 White lives matter! 958 00:53:41,434 --> 00:53:43,354 White lives matter! 959 00:53:43,433 --> 00:53:44,954 White lives matter! 960 00:53:45,034 --> 00:53:46,594 White lives matter! 961 00:53:46,673 --> 00:53:48,314 White lives matter! 962 00:53:48,394 --> 00:53:49,874 White lives matter! 963 00:53:49,954 --> 00:53:51,274 White lives matter! 964 00:53:51,353 --> 00:53:52,913 White lives matter! 965 00:53:52,994 --> 00:53:54,314 White lives matter! 966 00:53:54,394 --> 00:53:55,594 White lives matter!