I've never seen it this long.
This is worse than Disneyland.
You've been to Disneyland?
Uh, we go to this off-brand version outside of Worcester.
For years, I thought his name was Milton Mouse.
That's fucked up.
And Snow White had a lot of mud in her snow,
if you know what I mean.
What's that supposed to mean, you're out of maxi pads?
It means there's 100 new inmates, but the same budget for inessentials.
You hear that?
My baby box is inessential.
No way.
You can buy tampons at commissary.
For ten bucks a box.
We make ten cents an hour.
Wait. What're we supposed to do? Use toilet paper?
I got enough tampons for this time, if I only use one a day.
Yeah, let me know how that works out.
One time, I ran outta tampons,
so I used one of those, um, dinosaur just-add-water sponges for kids.
It was really fun.
'Cause it was like,
"Ooh, I wonder what this will be?
- Oh! Brontosaurus Rex!" - Surprise.
- Covered in baby blood! - There ain't no Brontosaurus Rex.
- What? - It's Brontosaurus. Period.
Though now they're saying it's Apatosaurus.
My five-year-old's crazy for that shit.
Hello. We are all in line here.
- So, you need to get to the back... - What're you...
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Hey!
Respect the fucking line.
Just like fake Disneyland.
And then, you'll meet Jenny Stark.
She's basically me, but at Corrections Corporation and Management.
One year, we switched nametags,
and for the entire panel discussion
I was Jenny from CCM and she was Linda from MCC.
It was bananas.
You go every year?
It's worth it for the swag alone.
One year, we got these little toy jail cells
for you to put your candy in when you're on a diet.
And then... Yeah.
Another year we got these Nerf-style guard batons.
And so, anytime anyone said something stupid at a staff meeting,
we would just whale on them.
Until the incident with Greg's eye, but...
Ah...
- Shit! It's my assistant. - Oh.
What, Jefferson?
Top of the morning to you, Mr. C...
again.
I forgot to ask if you wanted the files done by last name or prisoner number.
Last name. Listen, Jefferson,
I'm gonna be in this conference pretty much 24/7.
It's very immersive.
I'm not gonna be able to answer every little thing.
Got it. I will hold down the fort while you're gone.
No. Do not hold anything down.
I am not giving you power over anything or anyone.
All you are doing is files.
You'll do those until I get back.
And if by some miracle you finish before I get back,
sit... quietly.
Copy that.
That's a thing people say, right?
No.
Assistants...
they waste more time than they save.
You'll get the hang of delegation.
Just make sure that you fire them every three months or so.
Even if they're good?
Especially if they're good. I've been through 29.
You don't want them getting too essential.
I'm not sure that's the worry here.
- How long has this been up? - Only a few hours, sir.
A few hours?
Yeah, no. We're...
looking for the right shade of beige to cover it up.
You know, gotta match the rest of the wall.
We're not house flipping.
The inmates see graffiti,
they think it's okay to vandalize, litter, destroy property.
Oh, yeah, the broken windows theory?
Rudy Giuliani? I mean, wasn't that disproven?
That man is a hero,
and history will acknowledge that.
Okay.
We're upping you to a pair a day, because we know that you can handle it.
You lost more girls, huh?
Ah, trimming some of the fat is all.
We can always find new panty cattle.
Your real problem is the Spanish. They got momentum.
- You got to deal... - Shh!
... now! This is exactly the sort of thing
that escalates to drugs, and violence, and gangs.
Hey! Hey!
Case in point.
Hey, hey!
Knock it off!
Oh! Bitch!
Fuck these night shifts in the ass.
- Aw, past your bedtime? - Didn't say that.
After-party at my place again, people.
- Chez Humps! - I'm there.
- Me, three. - Jesus, guys, it's 9:00 a.m.
Yo, hook up Donuts here with a Fallujah Omelet.
Maybe that'll untwist his dick.
What's a Fallujah Omelet?
It's a Jäger shot and a raw egg.
It's the breakfast of champions.
Yeah, I'm gonna pass.
Come on, man. It's pure protein.
Yeah, I gotta stay and watch her. So...
Oh, I see.
You're gonna dip your donut in Ramos here.
Some people like their breakfast sweet, not savory.
You know what gets me so hot?
Is when guys compare me to breakfast,
and when they talk about me like I'm not even here.
How about you call me "that oatmeal in the front seat"
and I'll be so yours?
Dude, she totally stepped on your balls.
Shut up, Blake.
Shut the fuck up.
Pretty!
Happy Friday, ladies.
I'll be back to check on you soon, okay?
Be careful. Karma's a bitch.
Who's Karma? That new girl?
One more round for the thirsty gentle...
You okay?
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
My boss is gonna kill me!
Hey, it's just potato juice, right?
No, you don't understand.
He'll take it out of my paycheck.
And I have a little baby to support, and my mom...
she can't work on account of oldness.
- I'm sorry... - Come on, don't cry.
Okay.
Dudes, don't waste it.
Get off the floor, man.
Like, ten kinds of AIDS down there.
Don't cry. We'll pitch in for it, right, guys?
- Yeah, yeah. Sure, whatever. - Sure.
Here.
What, you pull that shit every night?
It's 300 bucks. That's not bad for a janky-ass short con.
I don't know what you're talking about.
You know, your boss is a friend of mine.
You want me to go stick his nose in that puddle back there?
No, please, don't tell him.
You're not bad for an amateur.
I mean, of course, the face helps.
Please, I have a little baby.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And if I let you see...
We gotta get you off the pity angle.
Go straight for the dick.
It's the better play.
So, come on, what do you pull in a good year?
Fifty thousand.
What if I said you could make that in an hour?
Um, I'm not a prostitute.
Not even if the guy is kinda hot in a mean-dad way.
What did you say your name was?
Yessica. It's like "Jessica," but ethnic.
Normally, I'm not an ear girl,
but when Vinnie told me
that he was putting a tongue saber in there,
and he said he was swishing it around,
my chair was like a wading pool.
I mean, don't get me wrong.
The first time you have word-sex, it's nice.
- Mmm-hmm. - But, it's just so much better
when you really know somebody.
So, you feel like you really know him.
Sure, I do.
My mom always said she knew my dad wanted sex
when he didn't ask for seconds at dinner.
And my dad said he knew my mom wanted sex
when she got me and my sister Blockbuster videos.
I always wanted to know someone that well.
Yeah...
me, too.
So, your parents would talk to you about sex?
Mine would never.
Oh, yeah.
The birds, and the trees, and the bees...
and the knees.
I'm not sure they told you that right.
- Christ on a cracker! - What is it?
The Shower Pooper strikes again.
Ugh, this has happened before?
Two or three times.
How do you know it's the same person?
Heft, density, hue.
It's as personal as a signature, if you think about it.
You know, that reminds me,
there was this guy in my high school who knew how to sign his name in...
No, no, no, no, no, please, Suzanne.
It is too early for that.
We need to catch this person before she strikes again.
I do not even know where to start.
Oh, one starts by following every angle, examining every clue.
By seeing patterns of behavior where no one else can see.
Until finally...
you catch the pooper
in a trap of her own making.
You mean...
like detectives?
Now, the keynote address by Kip Carnigan
will begin at 3:00 p.m. in the Laurel room.
- No pre-registration... - All right, you two are all set.
- Thank you. - Mmm.
- Hey, thanks. - Have fun in there.
Whoa.
What are these supposed to be for?
Promotional purposes.
Our prize-winning system can detect and pinpoint
any cell phone within a two-mile radius.
Linda.
Saw you're on a panel, you rock star.
Oh, Russ. It's just a panel, not a breakout session.
Still. It's huge.
So what's the hot booth this year?
Laser guns.
But the wait is epic.
Catch you two on the other side.
We at R and R Ministries could not be more proud
of our faith-based rehabilitation program,
utilizing New Testament stories
to help inmates establish a firm moral foundation.
Oh, right. Because we should treat them like Sunday schoolers,
not dangerous criminals.
Our fences are made from a state-of-the-art titanium alloy,
which is fireproof, plier-proof, tamperproof, foolproof.
- We could really use some of this stuff. - Ooh.
Not on MCC's budget.
Think of this less as a shopping trip and more of a brainstorming sesh.
I have enough of that in my life.
It's just for fun, silly. I think it's ice cream.
It's time to enter the 21st century, people.
The old-fashioned maxi pad can be a budget-killer.
These durable, reusable plastic menstruation capture cups
are a one-time expenditure for your women's facility.
And this is safe?
Missed me.
Oh, it is 100% non-deadly.
Right now, the laser's on setting two,
your basic sunburn-level discomfort.
Dial that bad boy up to ten... we're talking third-degree burns.
Andale, Andale! Speedy... Ow!
Just a little sting.
Nothing I can't...
Nice shooting, Tex.
Well, well.
Wouldn't wanna run into you in the prison yard.
Kip Carnigan.
They couldn't find anybody else to give the keynote this year?
Gandhi, maybe?
Oh, I heard they approached him, but his corpse was booked solid.
Who's your friend?
This is Joe Caputo from Litchfield.
He is the dark horse to be the next you.
- Good luck with that. - Thank you, future me.
You're a lucky man.
Oh, we're not...
Oh, my God, was that okay?
Did I sound normal? Was that like...
Sure. What's the big deal?
That's Kip Carnigan, he used to be the warden over at Sitwell
and now he is, like...
the face of corrections in America.
Oh, wow.
Okay... warden.
Jefferson.
Who does the purchase orders for maxi pads and so forth?
Hmm. Uh...
you might want to talk to the VP of Purchasing for that.
Linda... something.
Are you supposed to be on that?
Mr. Caputo wants me to make sure all his files are in order.
Ooh! That's what I'm talking about!
I'm the boss of this bitch!
Psst.
I swear,
you get busted with that thing and none of us ever met you.
It's self-defense.
That poi snorter stole our inventory.
Inventory's not the problem.
We got two weeks of ripe fruit ready to sell.
And my stupid cousin Alonso is gonna do the selling.
Our problem is getting everything out.
I don't know how fucking Chapman does it.
Probably, she uses her sexuality?
Why can't we use our sexuality?
'Cause we better than that.
Can't we just throw 'em over the fence? It ain't that high.
They got guards up there with guns and shit.
Plus, people saying they watching us with drones now.
What if we build our own drone that works for us?
Um... anybody else?
Or we could dig a tunnel, like we're El Chapo or in the movies.
Guys, I got an idea.
Or we could knock out a guard and take his uniform, like in the movies.
Okay, anybody got any non-movie, non-El Chapo ideas?
Maritza's got an idea, or she's drying out her armpits.
Seriously, guys? I have a van.
See, the hot girls stand out front to draw people in.
She's not that hot.
You should put your hair up like hers, Jessica.
You have to blend in.
Did you know a ponytail is like a natural facelift?
So, what's the first thing you do?
- I find my mark. - Good.
Will his name be Mark?
Kidding!
Pick a rich guy, obviously.
Old and rich, if possible.
You're looking for a guy who's too ugly to have you as a girlfriend,
if he didn't have any money.
Aw, that's so sweet.
Wait. Catch this.
"Hmm. Hey, baby. Do you come with the car?"
"Tee-hee. I've totally never heard that joke before."
Whoa, she's giving him the head toss.
That's like two clicks away from a blowie.
"Ooh, your wallet looks so heavy."
All right. So, now you have your mark, what do you do next?
Take his ID to the desk and get the keys.
Only now, instead of Judy Salesgirl, you're Mrs. Mark,
and you want to take a test drive with your husband.
You leave his ID, you take the keys and you walk the mark to the car.
If I forget to tell you guys later, I'm having a really good time.
All right. Now, you take your mark on his test drive,
drop him off in front of the dealership after,
and bam, you drive off into the sunset. Any questions?
What if the mark's name happens to be Mark?
Oh, my God! Kidding!
Man, this shit better be on fleek for ten bucks a box.
Hey, you mind loaning me one of those?
You gonna give it back after?
Some of us can't afford to feel the mountain mist.
Well, you know, some of us is chosen and some of us ain't.
Like, first, we was chosen by little white dude with the sneakers
to sew panties for Whispers.
Then, we was chosen by HaShem hisself
to eat tasty broccoli and keep his covenant.
Hmm? Hmm, hmm?
I know there's something in that covenant about generosity.
Oh, wait, wait, um, it's coming to me now.
"If there are poor among you,
do not be selfish or greedy towards them."
Uh, I think that's a Christian thing.
It's the same damn book.
We just got different prophets is all.
Or I guess you're still waiting for yours to show up.
Well, you ain't acting like somebody who wants something from me.
- Purchasing. - What department?
Purchasing!
- What department? - Human being.
Let me speak to a human.
I'm a human.
If you'd like to connect to...
Come in.
You got voicemail trouble?
Uh, typical corporate Charlie Foxtrot.
This is why I don't wear a suit.
This... and my quads are too big.
Uh, don't... wait. Hey. Don't close that.
Sorry.
I'm Piper Chapman. I don't mean to alarm you.
I never come to the administration like this.
But I've been in Litchfield for a while now...
and I have started to feel unsafe lately.
Scared even.
The prison is changing somehow.
- Graffiti on the walls... - I'm aware.
And I just wanted to make sure you knew about...
let's say, a cluster of girls that I've noticed.
Do they gather in groups of four or more?
Oh, yeah. They gather. They are pretty much always gathering.
Have you seen them flashing hand signals or wearing the same colors?
I think I've seen a bunch of them wearing red slipper socks.
And I'm not exactly sure that this is relevant,
but just so you have all the information,
these girls...
share a certain heritage,
a certain noble heritage,
dating all the way back to ancient Mayan civilization.
The Latinas. Got it.
Well, I wasn't gonna say anything.
Chapman...
what you're describing is a prison gang in its infancy.
That sounds serious.
Well...
not if we can prevent them from growing
and getting organized.
Thank you so much, Mr. Piscatella.
I feel safer already.
You know what? I really love your beard.
I've had a beard since tenth grade.
Two beards, actually.
The one on my face, and the one I took to junior prom.
Yeah.
I like dudes.
I will never find you adorable.
Keep that in mind.
When I first started out...
I thought the best way to help an inmate
was to get involved in his day-to-day problems.
The poor guy who was transferred ten states away from his family.
The fella who's on a downward spiral in Seg.
But what I learned is that to actually help them,
you have to make their lives feel full.
One time I did the math.
I figured that, all together, the inmates on my watch
had over 17,000 years of time on their sentences.
Seventeen thousand years.
That's longer than human recorded history.
That is a hell of a lot of time to get something accomplished,
to redeem lives.
I just got the goosies.
If only we can stop fixating on the days,
and start thinking about the years.
Oh, hell, no.
Aw, so cute.
Maybe it's a real old person and they can't help it.
Nah, it's not an accident.
Plus, you gotta be able to squat to poop in a shower,
and old people are bad at squatting.
Maybe they're very busy, and they're multitasking.
My sister used to brush her teeth in the shower.
Takin' all the hot water!
Squatter.
A-ha!
Fuck off.
- Sorry. - Nice work.
So, here's the thing.
I don't think the pooper's gonna poop at peak time.
Oh, unless they're an exhibitionist pooper.
- A poopscabitionist. - Hmm.
Let me ask you this.
How do they start in those detective novels?
They gather up the usual suspects, people with criminal records.
- Oh, criminal records, you say? - Fuck off!
Suzanne, hey. That's everyone.
True.
True, true, true.
Well, they also try to get inside of the mind of the criminal.
Hello... Suzanne.
Ugh...
That's my ex.
Oh, my goodness. She is pretty.
She could use a little more makeup, of course.
They make it waterproof now, so you never have to take it off.
Yeah, I mean, it was good for a while,
but then she started getting too clingy.
You know, started leaving little gifts on my pillow, like daisy chains.
You don't think that she might be leaving any other kinds of "gifts"?
No.
Suspect number one.
The game is afoot.
Attention, inmates. The updated facility rules
and inmate discipline list is posted in the day room.
All right, get out of here.
All right, ladies. Up against the wall.
This is straight-up profiling.
Oh, no, no. These are just random searches.
- Get it out. - And what about her?
Hands against the wall.
- I didn't do nothing. - Shut up.
Oh, bingo.
How many shots is that, Humps?
As many as you want.
It's just one shot for you.
Next time bring enough for everybody.
Hey, Humphrey, how do you know when an inmate's lying?
- How? - She opens her mouth.
That's funny.
Well, hey there, Hot Pants.
- You talking to me? - Well, that's your name, isn't it?
- Actually, it's Mendoza. - Oh, that wasn't a question.
Better get a cavity search on that one.
She's gotta be hiding something in an ass that big.
Oh, yeah?
It helps to give 'em a compliment, now and then.
Boosts morale.
Don't think I'm not taking this to your superior.
Oh, Officer Dixon answers to Officer Dixon.
Don't we answer to Piscatella?
Jesus, McCullough. You are such a boner killer.
Make sure you go deep.
"Media Relations: Turning Scandals into Scandal-ade."
That sounds useful. Put a star by it.
Yeah.
Uh... "Prison Health Care Rights and Wrongs:
Taking Max to the Max."
Mmm... nah.
"Immigration Violations: The Next Gold Mine."
What was the last gold mine?
I don't know, the war on drugs, I guess?
That thing he said, about making their lives full.
Feel full.
You think we can do that at Litchfield?
We can do whatever we want.
Well, I want that.
I wanna give that to them.
As long as it fits in the budget.
I'm a little nervous.
- About the panel? - Mmm-hmm.
You're gonna be great.
I mean, I know purchasing isn't a sexy topic
like drugs or capital punishment, but...
Don't say that.
I just am gonna be up there representing MCC and I...
I really wanna knock it out of the park.
Linda...
you don't even know what you are.
You are the Mickey Mantle of MCC.
You are the Cy Young of Correctional Purchasing.
Are those sports people?
Does the pope shit in the woods?
Oh, Joe. You're so funny.
Oh, look, "Shanks for the Memories: A History of Prison Weapons."
Bye-bye, sleep mask.
Time to meet my snizz.
Think it'll stay in?
Just don't lose it up there, that could get serious.
Well, la-di-da.
Little Miss One Percent herself.
Hey, what are you charging for one of those?
Five dollars.
Guadalupe was charging a buck yesterday!
Inflation, like we back in the Bush era.
Bitch, you never left the Bush era,
judging by all that creeping from your panties.
I'll give you three bucks.
You got it right now?
No, but I can get it to you by the end of the week.
Don't do it. She'll charge you interest.
That's what her people do.
I know you did not just call me a money lender.
'Cause that right there would be hate speech.
What if we got something to trade?
Something you might really want.
No trades.
The only language this Jew here speak is cold hard cash.
You see, it's okay when I say it.
Is anything the matter?
Gold star for you, Chapman.
Your intel was good.
Really?
- What did you find out? - None of your concern.
Let me just say,
if you felt like assembling a group of like-minded individuals,
reliable inmates like yourself,
with an interest in keeping this prison gang-free...
I assembled a task force once at Smith.
There was somebody putting bubble baths in all the fountains,
and we totally caught her.
Bubble bath.
Is that related to bath salts?
No, it's just bubbles.
For baths?
It was right before parents weekend, so the administration was really upset.
But gangs.
Gangs, Mr. Piscatella...
gangs are the issue here.
And I will assemble a task force to stop them.
Sir.
You really shouldn't do that unless you're in the armed forces.
How do you know I'm not?
It won't happen again.
Mr. Piscatella, you got a minute?
- What is it, inmate? - Gloria Mendoza.
I just thought that you should know
that some of your new guards are stopping girls for no reason
- and being extra invasive. - Yeah?
And everyone they're stopping looks like...
Like you?
Look, I didn't go to law school or nothing,
but I know that they gotta be stepping on a few civil liberties here.
You committed a crime, inmate.
So, if you wanna see who "stepped on your civil liberties,"
check under your own boot.
Flaca and Maritza together again.
It's like we're back in the kitchen, but crime-ier.
Does it show?
Mmm-mmm, it looks like you had a big plate of pasta.
Oh, my God, I'm a fatty!
But it's for a good cause.
Are you nervous?
It's only boys.
Once you get the blood rushing to their dicks,
they're like your servants.
All I gotta do is convince the one guy
who always watches me to go inside and party with the others.
Then there's ten minutes before I drive the day shift up.
Ten minutes for Alonso to grab that shit from the wheel well.
Shit.
- Go now. - What?
Do it! Do it now, trust me.
What, I don't get any love?
Well, that's a new one.
We don't get touched a lot in here, except by the lezzies.
Sometimes, you need a little human contact.
Especially by an expert.
Ooh!
You're all set.
Hope it was as good for you as it was for me.
Don't forget about my friend over there.
She really misses her boyfriend.
Last frisk of the day.
Can I help you, miss?
I'm just looking for now, thanks.
So comfy.
- I'm Lucas, if you need anything. - Thanks.
Ever drive one of these bad boys?
Uh...
I wasted half my life driving a Saab.
My wife always said they were safe in an accident.
But they still couldn't pull any bodies from the car wreck of our marriage.
You are bad.
Well...
you see anything here you like?
Uh... definitely.
Uh, what would you recommend?
Well, the Gran Turismo is awesome,
but the Gran Cabrio always gives me a special little tingle.
The Gran Cabrio it is.
We're just gonna need some ID and I'll go hook you up with the keys.
How can we help you today, Mrs...
Spencer.
My hubby and I would like to take the Gran Cabrio out for a spin.
He's the one over there.
Ain't he cute?
Very distinguished.
His name is Edward.
All right, Mrs. Spencer.
You are all set.
You can take the one down in front in Etruscan onyx.
Uh, Etruscan...
Between the classic obsidian and the midnight noir.
Oh, the Etruscan onyx!
Wait till you feel this transaxle layout.
A pretty lady who knows cars.
This is like a junior high wet dream.
It's important to chase your dreams. After you.
Hey, sorry I got held up.
Can't wait to tell you more about this beauty.
It's a pretty good squat you got there, Jefferson.
Strong knees.
Thanks.
Do you find yourself squatting
in unusual places throughout the course of your day?
Places that people wouldn't normally squat?
What the fuck are you talking about?
I have no idea.
I mean, we have all met those CFOs
who think that Purchasing is only about cost reduction.
But it's like, hello, haven't they ever heard of strategic sourcing,
discount procurement, or commodity cultivation?
That's fascinating.
I'm sorry to take us into choppy waters, but...
how do you respond to the critics who say
the bottom line is affecting the prisoners' quality of life?
Well, that is a good question.
And at the end of the day, it is a prison, not the Four Seasons.
Um... but all joking aside,
we at MCC have found that the prisoners' quality of life
has actually improved with the advent of cost...
Why don't you tell 'em how you doubled the beds, Linda?
Uh...
As I was saying...
Or tell 'em about how the food makes everyone puke?
Or that Sophia Burset is in the SHU for no reason?
Hey! That's enough.
Well, if the gentleman has finished,
- there will be a Q and A... - Yeah. I'm finished all right.
I'm finished with a company that refuses to acknowledge
what happens when we monetize human beings.
- Do you wanna sit down? - Do you even see yourselves?
The magic lasers, and... and prison ice cream.
This whole thing is a disgusting display of how industry dollars are spent.
And I was like you a few months ago.
I used to come to this conference every year,
and I never thought about the inmates.
But, you know, maybe you're too afraid to admit it,
but if you just go to my web page, Dannytalkstruth.com...
Why don't you come with me?
Well, I bought a ticket like everybody else.
Hey, why don't you let him go? He's harmless.
- Uh, don't call me harmless, but I... - Are you with him?
I'm just trying to help.
- Hey... - Step back, step back.
That's it. You're done.
Shit. I'm sorry.
This is a misunderstanding.
I am the warden at Litchfield.
The Director of Human Activities.
It's the same fucking thing.
- It's a small point. Sorry, Joe. - It's the same thing.
CorrectiCon Assaultimore, am I right?
Are you sure you don't wanna come with?
We have to take the day shift up in ten minutes.
You can get pretty drunk in ten minutes.
You want me to leave Ramos unattended?
Or bring her with.
You two can give us a little show.
We're good here, thanks.
Aren't you kinda curious what they do in there?
I know exactly what they do.
Scratch each other's balls and play Call of Duty: Guantanamo.
Can you believe this whole maxi pad thing?
I got a wad of toilet paper so far up my hoohoo,
I'm not sure it's ever gonna come out.
And it's giving me a not-so-fresh feeling.
I got a box of tampons at my place. You can borrow one.
- Really? - Just make sure you return it.
The torque vectoring is akin to what you'd find at the Indy 500.
Oh, yeah, I can feel the... torque.
485 foot-pounds of torque.
A Ferrari is only 400.
You know a lot about cars.
Uh, I sure do.
Are there a lot of women in the industry?
Mmm... what would you say?
Yeah, but they're mostly glorified hood ornaments, I'm afraid.
How long have you two been together?
- Me and her? - About ten minutes, ha!
At least, it feels that way.
Time moves pretty fast.
- But not as fast as one of these babies! - Mmm.
Do you have kids?
Yeah...
Two spoiled little monsters.
Fourteen and 16.
From a previous marriage?
Well, I've only been married the once.
Learned my lesson.
- I'm sorry, I thought you... - Edward's pretty tough to nail down.
But you can't blame me for trying.
Trying to close the deal, so to speak.
Good. What about you?
You have kids?
No, silly.
Why would I keep that a secret?
Classic Edward.
Actually, it's Teddy.
Wait till you hear this sound system.
How did you guys meet?
Ooh, feel that bass!
- What kind of meat? - I just love hair metal!
Meet! Where did you meet?
Can you pull over? I think I'm gonna be sick!
Oh.
Are you gonna check on her?
I was gonna ask you the same.
You okay, sweetie?
Hey! Where the hell are you going?
What are you doing?
So, how will you be paying?
You're missing an "E" in "careers."
It's "carers."
Like you care.
Like you give a shit.
"Community Carers"?
That sounds kind of gay.
Gay for safety, maybe.
Gay for justice.
- Huh? - It is not gay.
At least in the pejorative sense.
We are a group of like-minded individuals
that does not want to see this prison overrun by gangs and gang violence.
Don't you want that?
I do. Ow.
You need help spreading the word?
I love it here.
It's, like, where we met, when you think about it.
Yeah, it was pretty romantic.
I mean, you were drooling and dead and shit.
And I'm freaking the fuck out.
Can you read me something in German?
I think it's such a pretty language.
Yeah, maybe compared to, like, American?
- You're so weird. - Stop it! You're weird.
Let's go find... let's go find the Rilke.
Yes!
- Yes! - Okay.
- Turn around, it's this way. - Mmm-mmm. What?
Yay! Story time!
Oh. Shh.
She's been studying all morning.
Oh, my God, trig! My second favorite category in Mathletics.
Lucky me. A fairy god-chink to teach me math.
That's an offensive generalization, although apt in this case.
Yeah, she plays the piano, too.
But I think bubble tea is disgusting.
And I never liked Hello Kitty. She has no mouth.
Okay!
The angle of elevation of a hot air balloon changes
from 25 degrees at 10:00 a.m. to 60 degrees at 10:02 a.m.
Did you already figure out the point of observation?
What the fuck is she saying?
Okay, this is gonna be fun.
But... not as fun as calculus.
I mean, calculus is where math meets poetry.
And together, they give me a brain tumor.
Okay.
First, you're gonna need to find out the tangent of 25
before we can figure out the tangent of 60.
I'm not gonna lie, this is kind of turning me on.
Is this the kind of thing I can use in real life?
'Cause I'm supposed to be a productive member of society.
Or some shit.
Yeah, well, trig is very useful in determining
the distance between celestial bodies.
You're a celestial body.
You're embarrassing me.
Okay. Um...
the upward speed is 3.16 meters per second.
See? There you go. That wasn't too hard, was it?
Yeah. Look at me go.
Yeah! That's the spirit.
Are we talking about the same McCullough?
The one out there with the resting bitch face.
Oh, yeah. Oh, she could totally be cute,
if she got Princess Diaried.
Oh, is that like, uh...
What is that?
It's where the chick in the movie is, like, all right.
Normal. Hot-girl-actress normal.
- Ah. - But then, straighten the hair, right,
take the glasses off, you fix her teeth.
- Yeah. - Give her a couple horse tranquilizers.
There you go.
Dude, you play it so smooth, but you're the biggest dick of all of us.
Are you coming on to me?
- Yes, I am. - It's working.
Hey, Stratman, you want my Coors?
I haven't taken a sip of it yet.
I'm sorry, is Officer Dixon pacing himself?
More room for Jäger.
Oh.
Sure, I guess.
- There you go. - Oh, fuck, man!
- Oh! - What the fuck?
Oh! Classic!
Oh, classic.
I'm never gonna be able to unsee that.
Hey, who's the taco?
Dude!
Yo, amigo! What are you doing here?
Hey, bro.
You habla English?
'Lonso!
You're supposed to trim the bushes on Wednesday, not Tuesday.
Follow me.
- You know this dude? - You guys haven't met Alonso?
He's the gardener guy.
I don't think I've ever seen him sober.
No wonder he don't know his Tuesday from his Wednesday.
Oh, a man after my own heart.
Well, hey, bro, if you could, uh...
take care of the weeds and shit out front,
I know me and the fellas would really appreciate it.
We may be animals, but we're not, you know, animals.
Yes, I... I will do that.
Thanks.
You're smarter than you look, pretty girl.
I know. Sucks being a lady sometimes, doesn't it?
It was... it was all a knee-jerk reaction.
I would actually blame Danny for that.
Go ahead, tell my dad. I don't care.
Why? Why would I tell your dad?
No, I...
I'm only saying if you did, I wouldn't care.
Danny, telling Jack that you were arrested by a Baltimore rent-a-cop
would mean telling him that I was arrested by a Baltimore rent-a-cop.
So rest easy.
Your career as Norma Rae is safe with me.
Oh. Okay.
Thanks.
'Course I can't speak for her.
So... Linda, huh?
I knew you were in bed with my father,
but I didn't know you were doing it with Satan herself.
We're not doing it.
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
From one Director of Human Activity to another...
watch out for that one.
Okay.
I've convinced them that you're no longer a threat to society.
You can leave now, Danny.
Boo. Hiss.
Uh-uh. Not you.
I know, I...
I lost my cool in there.
You should have followed MCC protocol never to engage with a protester.
But that is not your worst offense.
You, sir...
are arrested...
for chivalry in the first degree.
What?
Standing up for me like that.
You are full of surprises, mister.
Those Karate Kid moves.
- I got more moves where that came from. - Oh, yeah?
Let's see.
Oh!
Let me start by saying, I am so encouraged by this turnout.
I always knew that Litchfield had a strong community of carers.
Women who are willing to keep their eyes open
for any miscreant activity, any malfeasance.
Bad stuff.
There is a sickness sweeping this prison.
Like an STD?
A societal STD, you might say.
And we...
we get to be the antibodies.
The medicated cream, I guess, that then fights off that STD.
Whenever you are walking down the halls and you sense a shadowy presence,
whenever the walls are tainted with graffiti...
- She said "taint." - Shh.
What I am trying to say is...
will you join me on a quest to keep our hallways clean
and our hearts pure of purpose?
Piper's right, you guys.
You can't swing a cat around here lately without hitting a dirty Dominican.
Oh, no, that's not what I meant.
Amen to that! You know, we're always having to hear about Latin Pride.
- Yeah. - And Black Pride.
And Asian Pride.
Wait, Asian Pride?
Yo, why can't there be such a thing as White Pride?
Yeah! We're always hearing about how black lives matter.
Well, don't our lives matter?
Right?
White lives matter.
White lives matter!