1 00:00:09,829 --> 00:00:14,489 Resync + Fixes by CookiesMonsta 2 00:01:23,109 --> 00:01:25,153 I've never seen it this long. 3 00:01:25,236 --> 00:01:27,572 This is worse than Disneyland. 4 00:01:27,655 --> 00:01:28,906 You've been to Disneyland? 5 00:01:28,990 --> 00:01:32,535 Uh, we go to this off-brand version outside of Worcester. 6 00:01:33,453 --> 00:01:35,997 For years, I thought his name was Milton Mouse. 7 00:01:36,998 --> 00:01:38,791 That's fucked up. 8 00:01:38,875 --> 00:01:41,502 And Snow White had a lot of mud in her snow, 9 00:01:41,586 --> 00:01:42,795 if you know what I mean. 10 00:01:42,879 --> 00:01:45,131 What's that supposed to mean, you're out of maxi pads? 11 00:01:45,214 --> 00:01:49,051 It means there's 100 new inmates, but the same budget for inessentials. 12 00:01:49,886 --> 00:01:51,179 You hear that? 13 00:01:51,262 --> 00:01:54,640 My baby box is inessential. 14 00:01:54,724 --> 00:01:55,808 No way. 15 00:01:55,892 --> 00:01:58,060 You can buy tampons at commissary. 16 00:02:00,104 --> 00:02:02,106 For ten bucks a box. 17 00:02:02,190 --> 00:02:04,859 We make ten cents an hour. 18 00:02:06,527 --> 00:02:09,822 Wait. What're we supposed to do? Use toilet paper? 19 00:02:10,448 --> 00:02:14,243 I got enough tampons for this time, if I only use one a day. 20 00:02:14,327 --> 00:02:16,496 Yeah, let me know how that works out. 21 00:02:16,579 --> 00:02:18,831 One time, I ran outta tampons, 22 00:02:18,915 --> 00:02:23,002 so I used one of those, um, dinosaur just-add-water sponges for kids. 23 00:02:23,085 --> 00:02:24,212 It was really fun. 24 00:02:24,295 --> 00:02:25,463 'Cause it was like, 25 00:02:25,546 --> 00:02:27,757 "Ooh, I wonder what this will be? 26 00:02:27,840 --> 00:02:30,927 - Oh! Brontosaurus Rex!" - Surprise. 27 00:02:31,010 --> 00:02:34,138 - Covered in baby blood! - There ain't no Brontosaurus Rex. 28 00:02:34,222 --> 00:02:37,850 - What? - It's Brontosaurus. Period. 29 00:02:37,934 --> 00:02:40,228 Though now they're saying it's Apatosaurus. 30 00:02:40,770 --> 00:02:42,688 My five-year-old's crazy for that shit. 31 00:02:42,772 --> 00:02:44,649 Hello. We are all in line here. 32 00:02:44,732 --> 00:02:46,317 - So, you need to get to the back... - What're you... 33 00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:48,194 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! 34 00:02:48,277 --> 00:02:49,403 Hey! 35 00:02:53,908 --> 00:02:55,827 Respect the fucking line. 36 00:02:56,869 --> 00:02:59,080 Just like fake Disneyland. 37 00:03:00,581 --> 00:03:02,583 And then, you'll meet Jenny Stark. 38 00:03:02,667 --> 00:03:05,670 She's basically me, but at Corrections Corporation and Management. 39 00:03:05,753 --> 00:03:08,172 One year, we switched nametags, 40 00:03:08,255 --> 00:03:09,756 and for the entire panel discussion 41 00:03:09,841 --> 00:03:13,469 I was Jenny from CCM and she was Linda from MCC. 42 00:03:13,553 --> 00:03:14,720 It was bananas. 43 00:03:14,804 --> 00:03:16,763 You go every year? 44 00:03:16,848 --> 00:03:18,765 It's worth it for the swag alone. 45 00:03:18,850 --> 00:03:20,767 One year, we got these little toy jail cells 46 00:03:20,852 --> 00:03:22,769 for you to put your candy in when you're on a diet. 47 00:03:22,854 --> 00:03:24,105 And then... Yeah. 48 00:03:24,188 --> 00:03:26,441 Another year we got these Nerf-style guard batons. 49 00:03:26,523 --> 00:03:29,318 And so, anytime anyone said something stupid at a staff meeting, 50 00:03:29,401 --> 00:03:30,902 we would just whale on them. 51 00:03:31,487 --> 00:03:33,530 Until the incident with Greg's eye, but... 52 00:03:35,825 --> 00:03:37,452 Ah... 53 00:03:37,534 --> 00:03:40,537 - Shit! It's my assistant. - Oh. 54 00:03:42,038 --> 00:03:43,458 What, Jefferson? 55 00:03:43,540 --> 00:03:45,877 Top of the morning to you, Mr. C... 56 00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:47,587 again. 57 00:03:47,669 --> 00:03:51,883 I forgot to ask if you wanted the files done by last name or prisoner number. 58 00:03:51,966 --> 00:03:53,925 Last name. Listen, Jefferson, 59 00:03:54,010 --> 00:03:56,596 I'm gonna be in this conference pretty much 24/7. 60 00:03:56,678 --> 00:03:57,972 It's very immersive. 61 00:03:58,054 --> 00:04:01,433 I'm not gonna be able to answer every little thing. 62 00:04:01,517 --> 00:04:04,604 Got it. I will hold down the fort while you're gone. 63 00:04:04,686 --> 00:04:07,356 No. Do not hold anything down. 64 00:04:07,439 --> 00:04:10,151 I am not giving you power over anything or anyone. 65 00:04:10,234 --> 00:04:12,653 All you are doing is files. 66 00:04:12,737 --> 00:04:14,571 You'll do those until I get back. 67 00:04:14,655 --> 00:04:17,366 And if by some miracle you finish before I get back, 68 00:04:17,449 --> 00:04:19,160 sit... quietly. 69 00:04:19,243 --> 00:04:21,370 Copy that. 70 00:04:21,453 --> 00:04:23,122 That's a thing people say, right? 71 00:04:23,205 --> 00:04:24,248 No. 72 00:04:26,958 --> 00:04:28,377 Assistants... 73 00:04:28,460 --> 00:04:31,338 they waste more time than they save. 74 00:04:31,422 --> 00:04:33,340 You'll get the hang of delegation. 75 00:04:33,424 --> 00:04:36,511 Just make sure that you fire them every three months or so. 76 00:04:37,219 --> 00:04:38,387 Even if they're good? 77 00:04:38,470 --> 00:04:41,473 Especially if they're good. I've been through 29. 78 00:04:41,557 --> 00:04:43,643 You don't want them getting too essential. 79 00:04:43,725 --> 00:04:45,937 I'm not sure that's the worry here. 80 00:05:22,723 --> 00:05:25,642 - How long has this been up? - Only a few hours, sir. 81 00:05:26,561 --> 00:05:28,229 A few hours? 82 00:05:28,312 --> 00:05:29,814 Yeah, no. We're... 83 00:05:29,896 --> 00:05:32,442 looking for the right shade of beige to cover it up. 84 00:05:32,524 --> 00:05:34,151 You know, gotta match the rest of the wall. 85 00:05:34,235 --> 00:05:35,319 We're not house flipping. 86 00:05:35,402 --> 00:05:37,113 The inmates see graffiti, 87 00:05:37,196 --> 00:05:40,532 they think it's okay to vandalize, litter, destroy property. 88 00:05:40,616 --> 00:05:42,952 Oh, yeah, the broken windows theory? 89 00:05:43,034 --> 00:05:45,162 Rudy Giuliani? I mean, wasn't that disproven? 90 00:05:45,246 --> 00:05:47,664 That man is a hero, 91 00:05:47,748 --> 00:05:50,251 and history will acknowledge that. 92 00:05:50,334 --> 00:05:51,668 Okay. 93 00:05:51,752 --> 00:05:54,796 We're upping you to a pair a day, because we know that you can handle it. 94 00:05:54,881 --> 00:05:56,298 You lost more girls, huh? 95 00:05:56,382 --> 00:05:57,799 Ah, trimming some of the fat is all. 96 00:05:57,884 --> 00:05:59,676 We can always find new panty cattle. 97 00:05:59,761 --> 00:06:02,053 Your real problem is the Spanish. They got momentum. 98 00:06:02,138 --> 00:06:04,015 - You got to deal... - Shh! 99 00:06:07,018 --> 00:06:09,103 ... now! This is exactly the sort of thing 100 00:06:09,186 --> 00:06:12,564 that escalates to drugs, and violence, and gangs. 101 00:06:13,775 --> 00:06:15,567 Hey! Hey! 102 00:06:17,111 --> 00:06:18,445 Case in point. 103 00:06:18,529 --> 00:06:20,071 Hey, hey! 104 00:06:20,156 --> 00:06:21,616 Knock it off! 105 00:06:21,698 --> 00:06:23,534 Oh! Bitch! 106 00:06:25,286 --> 00:06:27,747 Fuck these night shifts in the ass. 107 00:06:27,829 --> 00:06:30,124 - Aw, past your bedtime? - Didn't say that. 108 00:06:30,207 --> 00:06:32,627 After-party at my place again, people. 109 00:06:32,709 --> 00:06:34,085 - Chez Humps! - I'm there. 110 00:06:34,170 --> 00:06:37,131 - Me, three. - Jesus, guys, it's 9:00 a.m. 111 00:06:37,632 --> 00:06:39,550 Yo, hook up Donuts here with a Fallujah Omelet. 112 00:06:39,634 --> 00:06:40,802 Maybe that'll untwist his dick. 113 00:06:40,885 --> 00:06:43,262 What's a Fallujah Omelet? 114 00:06:43,345 --> 00:06:45,597 It's a Jäger shot and a raw egg. 115 00:06:45,681 --> 00:06:46,933 It's the breakfast of champions. 116 00:06:47,016 --> 00:06:48,600 Yeah, I'm gonna pass. 117 00:06:48,684 --> 00:06:49,936 Come on, man. It's pure protein. 118 00:06:50,019 --> 00:06:52,313 Yeah, I gotta stay and watch her. So... 119 00:06:52,396 --> 00:06:53,397 Oh, I see. 120 00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:55,525 You're gonna dip your donut in Ramos here. 121 00:06:58,360 --> 00:07:00,905 Some people like their breakfast sweet, not savory. 122 00:07:02,573 --> 00:07:04,991 You know what gets me so hot? 123 00:07:05,076 --> 00:07:07,078 Is when guys compare me to breakfast, 124 00:07:07,161 --> 00:07:09,455 and when they talk about me like I'm not even here. 125 00:07:11,582 --> 00:07:14,626 How about you call me "that oatmeal in the front seat" 126 00:07:14,710 --> 00:07:16,503 and I'll be so yours? 127 00:07:18,297 --> 00:07:20,257 Dude, she totally stepped on your balls. 128 00:07:20,341 --> 00:07:22,176 Shut up, Blake. 129 00:07:22,259 --> 00:07:23,344 Shut the fuck up. 130 00:07:39,526 --> 00:07:41,446 Pretty! 131 00:07:41,528 --> 00:07:43,573 Happy Friday, ladies. 132 00:07:44,073 --> 00:07:45,950 I'll be back to check on you soon, okay? 133 00:08:13,269 --> 00:08:15,354 Be careful. Karma's a bitch. 134 00:08:15,437 --> 00:08:17,607 Who's Karma? That new girl? 135 00:08:32,704 --> 00:08:34,456 One more round for the thirsty gentle... 136 00:08:34,540 --> 00:08:36,501 You okay? 137 00:08:36,583 --> 00:08:38,127 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 138 00:08:38,210 --> 00:08:39,961 My boss is gonna kill me! 139 00:08:40,046 --> 00:08:42,088 Hey, it's just potato juice, right? 140 00:08:42,173 --> 00:08:43,507 No, you don't understand. 141 00:08:44,175 --> 00:08:45,342 He'll take it out of my paycheck. 142 00:08:45,426 --> 00:08:48,345 And I have a little baby to support, and my mom... 143 00:08:48,429 --> 00:08:51,014 she can't work on account of oldness. 144 00:08:51,097 --> 00:08:53,016 - I'm sorry... - Come on, don't cry. 145 00:08:53,099 --> 00:08:54,100 Okay. 146 00:08:54,185 --> 00:08:55,937 Dudes, don't waste it. 147 00:08:56,019 --> 00:08:57,771 Get off the floor, man. 148 00:08:57,854 --> 00:08:59,606 Like, ten kinds of AIDS down there. 149 00:09:00,273 --> 00:09:03,319 Don't cry. We'll pitch in for it, right, guys? 150 00:09:07,614 --> 00:09:10,242 - Yeah, yeah. Sure, whatever. - Sure. 151 00:09:11,953 --> 00:09:13,495 Here. 152 00:09:24,631 --> 00:09:26,675 What, you pull that shit every night? 153 00:09:27,634 --> 00:09:30,972 It's 300 bucks. That's not bad for a janky-ass short con. 154 00:09:32,013 --> 00:09:33,306 I don't know what you're talking about. 155 00:09:33,390 --> 00:09:34,558 You know, your boss is a friend of mine. 156 00:09:34,641 --> 00:09:36,352 You want me to go stick his nose in that puddle back there? 157 00:09:36,434 --> 00:09:37,561 No, please, don't tell him. 158 00:09:37,644 --> 00:09:39,146 You're not bad for an amateur. 159 00:09:39,230 --> 00:09:41,232 I mean, of course, the face helps. 160 00:09:42,023 --> 00:09:43,525 Please, I have a little baby. 161 00:09:43,609 --> 00:09:44,943 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And if I let you see... 162 00:09:45,026 --> 00:09:47,113 We gotta get you off the pity angle. 163 00:09:47,195 --> 00:09:49,531 Go straight for the dick. 164 00:09:49,615 --> 00:09:50,824 It's the better play. 165 00:09:52,618 --> 00:09:56,580 So, come on, what do you pull in a good year? 166 00:09:56,663 --> 00:09:57,789 Fifty thousand. 167 00:09:57,874 --> 00:09:59,916 What if I said you could make that in an hour? 168 00:10:00,001 --> 00:10:02,879 Um, I'm not a prostitute. 169 00:10:02,961 --> 00:10:06,047 Not even if the guy is kinda hot in a mean-dad way. 170 00:10:10,386 --> 00:10:11,928 What did you say your name was? 171 00:10:13,305 --> 00:10:16,850 Yessica. It's like "Jessica," but ethnic. 172 00:10:22,023 --> 00:10:24,400 Normally, I'm not an ear girl, 173 00:10:24,483 --> 00:10:27,360 but when Vinnie told me 174 00:10:27,444 --> 00:10:30,031 that he was putting a tongue saber in there, 175 00:10:30,113 --> 00:10:32,741 and he said he was swishing it around, 176 00:10:32,824 --> 00:10:35,161 my chair was like a wading pool. 177 00:10:36,828 --> 00:10:38,414 I mean, don't get me wrong. 178 00:10:38,497 --> 00:10:41,208 The first time you have word-sex, it's nice. 179 00:10:41,292 --> 00:10:44,586 - Mmm-hmm. - But, it's just so much better 180 00:10:44,670 --> 00:10:47,298 when you really know somebody. 181 00:10:47,380 --> 00:10:49,216 So, you feel like you really know him. 182 00:10:49,300 --> 00:10:51,009 Sure, I do. 183 00:10:53,011 --> 00:10:55,681 My mom always said she knew my dad wanted sex 184 00:10:55,764 --> 00:10:58,600 when he didn't ask for seconds at dinner. 185 00:10:58,684 --> 00:11:02,188 And my dad said he knew my mom wanted sex 186 00:11:02,270 --> 00:11:04,690 when she got me and my sister Blockbuster videos. 187 00:11:07,819 --> 00:11:10,278 I always wanted to know someone that well. 188 00:11:12,155 --> 00:11:13,825 Yeah... 189 00:11:13,907 --> 00:11:15,326 me, too. 190 00:11:19,663 --> 00:11:23,041 So, your parents would talk to you about sex? 191 00:11:23,124 --> 00:11:24,292 Mine would never. 192 00:11:24,376 --> 00:11:26,044 Oh, yeah. 193 00:11:26,127 --> 00:11:29,130 The birds, and the trees, and the bees... 194 00:11:29,215 --> 00:11:30,967 and the knees. 195 00:11:31,758 --> 00:11:34,636 I'm not sure they told you that right. 196 00:11:36,973 --> 00:11:39,558 - Christ on a cracker! - What is it? 197 00:11:40,977 --> 00:11:44,271 The Shower Pooper strikes again. 198 00:11:44,355 --> 00:11:46,398 Ugh, this has happened before? 199 00:11:46,482 --> 00:11:48,066 Two or three times. 200 00:11:48,150 --> 00:11:50,402 How do you know it's the same person? 201 00:11:50,486 --> 00:11:53,947 Heft, density, hue. 202 00:11:54,030 --> 00:11:56,283 It's as personal as a signature, if you think about it. 203 00:11:56,367 --> 00:11:58,451 You know, that reminds me, 204 00:11:58,535 --> 00:12:01,788 there was this guy in my high school who knew how to sign his name in... 205 00:12:01,873 --> 00:12:04,040 No, no, no, no, no, please, Suzanne. 206 00:12:04,125 --> 00:12:06,084 It is too early for that. 207 00:12:06,168 --> 00:12:08,461 We need to catch this person before she strikes again. 208 00:12:08,545 --> 00:12:11,132 I do not even know where to start. 209 00:12:11,214 --> 00:12:17,929 Oh, one starts by following every angle, examining every clue. 210 00:12:18,014 --> 00:12:22,393 By seeing patterns of behavior where no one else can see. 211 00:12:22,476 --> 00:12:24,436 Until finally... 212 00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:26,480 you catch the pooper 213 00:12:26,563 --> 00:12:31,485 in a trap of her own making. 214 00:12:31,568 --> 00:12:33,029 You mean... 215 00:12:34,237 --> 00:12:35,822 like detectives? 216 00:12:39,786 --> 00:12:41,953 Now, the keynote address by Kip Carnigan 217 00:12:42,038 --> 00:12:44,206 will begin at 3:00 p.m. in the Laurel room. 218 00:12:44,290 --> 00:12:47,375 - No pre-registration... - All right, you two are all set. 219 00:12:47,459 --> 00:12:48,585 - Thank you. - Mmm. 220 00:12:48,669 --> 00:12:51,004 - Hey, thanks. - Have fun in there. 221 00:12:56,052 --> 00:12:57,385 Whoa. 222 00:12:57,469 --> 00:12:59,095 What are these supposed to be for? 223 00:12:59,180 --> 00:13:00,722 Promotional purposes. 224 00:13:15,237 --> 00:13:19,616 Our prize-winning system can detect and pinpoint 225 00:13:19,700 --> 00:13:22,703 any cell phone within a two-mile radius. 226 00:13:32,088 --> 00:13:33,421 Linda. 227 00:13:34,465 --> 00:13:36,550 Saw you're on a panel, you rock star. 228 00:13:36,633 --> 00:13:39,553 Oh, Russ. It's just a panel, not a breakout session. 229 00:13:39,636 --> 00:13:41,722 Still. It's huge. 230 00:13:41,805 --> 00:13:43,474 So what's the hot booth this year? 231 00:13:43,557 --> 00:13:45,351 Laser guns. 232 00:13:45,433 --> 00:13:47,269 But the wait is epic. 233 00:13:47,353 --> 00:13:49,396 Catch you two on the other side. 234 00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:52,274 We at R and R Ministries could not be more proud 235 00:13:52,358 --> 00:13:55,193 of our faith-based rehabilitation program, 236 00:13:55,277 --> 00:13:57,529 utilizing New Testament stories 237 00:13:57,613 --> 00:14:01,700 to help inmates establish a firm moral foundation. 238 00:14:01,783 --> 00:14:04,495 Oh, right. Because we should treat them like Sunday schoolers, 239 00:14:04,578 --> 00:14:06,163 not dangerous criminals. 240 00:14:06,247 --> 00:14:09,207 Our fences are made from a state-of-the-art titanium alloy, 241 00:14:09,291 --> 00:14:14,796 which is fireproof, plier-proof, tamperproof, foolproof. 242 00:14:14,880 --> 00:14:17,090 - We could really use some of this stuff. - Ooh. 243 00:14:17,174 --> 00:14:18,925 Not on MCC's budget. 244 00:14:20,969 --> 00:14:24,097 Think of this less as a shopping trip and more of a brainstorming sesh. 245 00:14:26,641 --> 00:14:28,018 I have enough of that in my life. 246 00:14:28,101 --> 00:14:30,854 It's just for fun, silly. I think it's ice cream. 247 00:14:30,937 --> 00:14:34,191 It's time to enter the 21st century, people. 248 00:14:34,274 --> 00:14:38,195 The old-fashioned maxi pad can be a budget-killer. 249 00:14:38,278 --> 00:14:42,866 These durable, reusable plastic menstruation capture cups 250 00:14:42,949 --> 00:14:46,703 are a one-time expenditure for your women's facility. 251 00:14:47,704 --> 00:14:48,830 And this is safe? 252 00:14:48,914 --> 00:14:50,081 Missed me. 253 00:14:50,165 --> 00:14:52,292 Oh, it is 100% non-deadly. 254 00:14:52,375 --> 00:14:54,586 Right now, the laser's on setting two, 255 00:14:54,669 --> 00:14:57,506 your basic sunburn-level discomfort. 256 00:14:57,589 --> 00:15:02,761 Dial that bad boy up to ten... we're talking third-degree burns. 257 00:15:02,844 --> 00:15:05,472 Andale, Andale! Speedy... Ow! 258 00:15:06,807 --> 00:15:08,558 Just a little sting. 259 00:15:08,642 --> 00:15:10,310 Nothing I can't... 260 00:15:14,314 --> 00:15:15,982 Nice shooting, Tex. 261 00:15:19,778 --> 00:15:21,321 Well, well. 262 00:15:21,404 --> 00:15:23,365 Wouldn't wanna run into you in the prison yard. 263 00:15:23,448 --> 00:15:25,617 Kip Carnigan. 264 00:15:25,700 --> 00:15:27,953 They couldn't find anybody else to give the keynote this year? 265 00:15:28,036 --> 00:15:29,120 Gandhi, maybe? 266 00:15:29,204 --> 00:15:31,873 Oh, I heard they approached him, but his corpse was booked solid. 267 00:15:31,957 --> 00:15:32,958 Who's your friend? 268 00:15:33,041 --> 00:15:35,377 This is Joe Caputo from Litchfield. 269 00:15:35,460 --> 00:15:37,295 He is the dark horse to be the next you. 270 00:15:39,089 --> 00:15:41,758 - Good luck with that. - Thank you, future me. 271 00:15:43,552 --> 00:15:45,345 You're a lucky man. 272 00:15:45,428 --> 00:15:46,888 Oh, we're not... 273 00:15:46,972 --> 00:15:49,432 Oh, my God, was that okay? 274 00:15:49,516 --> 00:15:51,560 Did I sound normal? Was that like... 275 00:15:51,643 --> 00:15:53,937 Sure. What's the big deal? 276 00:15:54,020 --> 00:15:56,356 That's Kip Carnigan, he used to be the warden over at Sitwell 277 00:15:56,439 --> 00:15:57,732 and now he is, like... 278 00:15:57,816 --> 00:15:59,985 the face of corrections in America. 279 00:16:01,027 --> 00:16:02,320 Oh, wow. 280 00:16:04,739 --> 00:16:06,950 Okay... warden. 281 00:16:17,252 --> 00:16:19,004 Jefferson. 282 00:16:19,087 --> 00:16:22,007 Who does the purchase orders for maxi pads and so forth? 283 00:16:22,757 --> 00:16:24,676 Hmm. Uh... 284 00:16:24,759 --> 00:16:28,346 you might want to talk to the VP of Purchasing for that. 285 00:16:28,430 --> 00:16:31,016 Linda... something. 286 00:16:31,099 --> 00:16:32,684 Are you supposed to be on that? 287 00:16:32,767 --> 00:16:36,271 Mr. Caputo wants me to make sure all his files are in order. 288 00:17:02,672 --> 00:17:05,383 Ooh! That's what I'm talking about! 289 00:17:08,637 --> 00:17:10,597 I'm the boss of this bitch! 290 00:17:19,064 --> 00:17:20,524 Psst. 291 00:17:20,607 --> 00:17:21,858 I swear, 292 00:17:21,942 --> 00:17:25,320 you get busted with that thing and none of us ever met you. 293 00:17:25,403 --> 00:17:26,530 It's self-defense. 294 00:17:26,613 --> 00:17:28,490 That poi snorter stole our inventory. 295 00:17:28,573 --> 00:17:30,367 Inventory's not the problem. 296 00:17:31,618 --> 00:17:34,496 We got two weeks of ripe fruit ready to sell. 297 00:17:34,579 --> 00:17:38,792 And my stupid cousin Alonso is gonna do the selling. 298 00:17:38,875 --> 00:17:41,586 Our problem is getting everything out. 299 00:17:41,670 --> 00:17:43,713 I don't know how fucking Chapman does it. 300 00:17:44,756 --> 00:17:46,716 Probably, she uses her sexuality? 301 00:17:47,926 --> 00:17:50,387 Why can't we use our sexuality? 302 00:17:50,470 --> 00:17:51,471 'Cause we better than that. 303 00:17:51,555 --> 00:17:53,723 Can't we just throw 'em over the fence? It ain't that high. 304 00:17:53,807 --> 00:17:56,226 They got guards up there with guns and shit. 305 00:17:56,935 --> 00:17:59,604 Plus, people saying they watching us with drones now. 306 00:17:59,688 --> 00:18:02,649 What if we build our own drone that works for us? 307 00:18:02,732 --> 00:18:05,152 Um... anybody else? 308 00:18:06,027 --> 00:18:09,030 Or we could dig a tunnel, like we're El Chapo or in the movies. 309 00:18:09,114 --> 00:18:10,615 Guys, I got an idea. 310 00:18:10,699 --> 00:18:13,368 Or we could knock out a guard and take his uniform, like in the movies. 311 00:18:13,451 --> 00:18:16,997 Okay, anybody got any non-movie, non-El Chapo ideas? 312 00:18:17,080 --> 00:18:20,750 Maritza's got an idea, or she's drying out her armpits. 313 00:18:20,834 --> 00:18:23,628 Seriously, guys? I have a van. 314 00:18:30,302 --> 00:18:33,430 See, the hot girls stand out front to draw people in. 315 00:18:33,513 --> 00:18:35,098 She's not that hot. 316 00:18:35,182 --> 00:18:36,808 You should put your hair up like hers, Jessica. 317 00:18:36,892 --> 00:18:38,143 You have to blend in. 318 00:18:38,226 --> 00:18:41,688 Did you know a ponytail is like a natural facelift? 319 00:18:42,939 --> 00:18:44,858 So, what's the first thing you do? 320 00:18:45,609 --> 00:18:47,277 - I find my mark. - Good. 321 00:18:47,777 --> 00:18:49,196 Will his name be Mark? 322 00:18:51,781 --> 00:18:52,866 Kidding! 323 00:18:56,036 --> 00:18:57,913 Pick a rich guy, obviously. 324 00:18:58,622 --> 00:19:00,040 Old and rich, if possible. 325 00:19:00,123 --> 00:19:02,334 You're looking for a guy who's too ugly to have you as a girlfriend, 326 00:19:02,417 --> 00:19:03,460 if he didn't have any money. 327 00:19:03,543 --> 00:19:05,462 Aw, that's so sweet. 328 00:19:06,254 --> 00:19:08,089 Wait. Catch this. 329 00:19:09,007 --> 00:19:12,260 "Hmm. Hey, baby. Do you come with the car?" 330 00:19:12,344 --> 00:19:15,013 "Tee-hee. I've totally never heard that joke before." 331 00:19:16,223 --> 00:19:19,476 Whoa, she's giving him the head toss. 332 00:19:19,559 --> 00:19:21,812 That's like two clicks away from a blowie. 333 00:19:24,272 --> 00:19:26,733 "Ooh, your wallet looks so heavy." 334 00:19:26,817 --> 00:19:28,944 All right. So, now you have your mark, what do you do next? 335 00:19:29,027 --> 00:19:31,613 Take his ID to the desk and get the keys. 336 00:19:31,696 --> 00:19:34,241 Only now, instead of Judy Salesgirl, you're Mrs. Mark, 337 00:19:34,324 --> 00:19:36,868 and you want to take a test drive with your husband. 338 00:19:36,952 --> 00:19:40,455 You leave his ID, you take the keys and you walk the mark to the car. 339 00:19:41,081 --> 00:19:44,167 If I forget to tell you guys later, I'm having a really good time. 340 00:19:44,251 --> 00:19:46,378 All right. Now, you take your mark on his test drive, 341 00:19:46,461 --> 00:19:48,672 drop him off in front of the dealership after, 342 00:19:48,755 --> 00:19:51,508 and bam, you drive off into the sunset. Any questions? 343 00:19:51,591 --> 00:19:55,387 What if the mark's name happens to be Mark? 344 00:19:58,014 --> 00:20:00,016 Oh, my God! Kidding! 345 00:20:06,314 --> 00:20:08,692 Man, this shit better be on fleek for ten bucks a box. 346 00:20:11,361 --> 00:20:13,071 Hey, you mind loaning me one of those? 347 00:20:14,698 --> 00:20:16,992 You gonna give it back after? 348 00:20:17,075 --> 00:20:19,870 Some of us can't afford to feel the mountain mist. 349 00:20:19,953 --> 00:20:25,000 Well, you know, some of us is chosen and some of us ain't. 350 00:20:25,083 --> 00:20:29,420 Like, first, we was chosen by little white dude with the sneakers 351 00:20:29,504 --> 00:20:31,171 to sew panties for Whispers. 352 00:20:31,256 --> 00:20:34,384 Then, we was chosen by HaShem hisself 353 00:20:34,468 --> 00:20:37,888 to eat tasty broccoli and keep his covenant. 354 00:20:38,972 --> 00:20:40,599 Hmm? Hmm, hmm? 355 00:20:40,681 --> 00:20:44,519 I know there's something in that covenant about generosity. 356 00:20:46,562 --> 00:20:49,149 Oh, wait, wait, um, it's coming to me now. 357 00:20:49,232 --> 00:20:52,235 "If there are poor among you, 358 00:20:52,318 --> 00:20:57,032 do not be selfish or greedy towards them." 359 00:20:57,115 --> 00:20:59,200 Uh, I think that's a Christian thing. 360 00:21:00,576 --> 00:21:01,995 It's the same damn book. 361 00:21:03,329 --> 00:21:05,665 We just got different prophets is all. 362 00:21:06,166 --> 00:21:09,503 Or I guess you're still waiting for yours to show up. 363 00:21:10,461 --> 00:21:13,298 Well, you ain't acting like somebody who wants something from me. 364 00:21:13,381 --> 00:21:15,509 - Purchasing. - What department? 365 00:21:15,591 --> 00:21:17,343 Purchasing! 366 00:21:17,427 --> 00:21:20,095 - What department? - Human being. 367 00:21:20,180 --> 00:21:22,182 Let me speak to a human. 368 00:21:22,265 --> 00:21:24,017 I'm a human. 369 00:21:24,099 --> 00:21:25,268 If you'd like to connect to... 370 00:21:25,351 --> 00:21:26,602 Come in. 371 00:21:28,688 --> 00:21:29,689 You got voicemail trouble? 372 00:21:29,773 --> 00:21:32,818 Uh, typical corporate Charlie Foxtrot. 373 00:21:32,901 --> 00:21:34,735 This is why I don't wear a suit. 374 00:21:34,820 --> 00:21:37,030 This... and my quads are too big. 375 00:21:38,113 --> 00:21:40,200 Uh, don't... wait. Hey. Don't close that. 376 00:21:40,283 --> 00:21:41,576 Sorry. 377 00:21:44,287 --> 00:21:46,915 I'm Piper Chapman. I don't mean to alarm you. 378 00:21:46,997 --> 00:21:49,417 I never come to the administration like this. 379 00:21:49,500 --> 00:21:52,628 But I've been in Litchfield for a while now... 380 00:21:54,505 --> 00:21:57,007 and I have started to feel unsafe lately. 381 00:21:57,092 --> 00:21:58,593 Scared even. 382 00:21:58,677 --> 00:22:00,971 The prison is changing somehow. 383 00:22:02,763 --> 00:22:05,350 - Graffiti on the walls... - I'm aware. 384 00:22:06,476 --> 00:22:09,312 And I just wanted to make sure you knew about... 385 00:22:11,565 --> 00:22:14,734 let's say, a cluster of girls that I've noticed. 386 00:22:14,818 --> 00:22:16,444 Do they gather in groups of four or more? 387 00:22:16,527 --> 00:22:20,198 Oh, yeah. They gather. They are pretty much always gathering. 388 00:22:20,281 --> 00:22:24,703 Have you seen them flashing hand signals or wearing the same colors? 389 00:22:24,785 --> 00:22:28,123 I think I've seen a bunch of them wearing red slipper socks. 390 00:22:29,875 --> 00:22:31,960 And I'm not exactly sure that this is relevant, 391 00:22:32,042 --> 00:22:33,962 but just so you have all the information, 392 00:22:34,044 --> 00:22:35,714 these girls... 393 00:22:37,382 --> 00:22:39,134 share a certain heritage, 394 00:22:39,217 --> 00:22:41,636 a certain noble heritage, 395 00:22:41,720 --> 00:22:44,514 dating all the way back to ancient Mayan civilization. 396 00:22:44,598 --> 00:22:47,100 The Latinas. Got it. 397 00:22:47,183 --> 00:22:48,852 Well, I wasn't gonna say anything. 398 00:22:48,934 --> 00:22:50,353 Chapman... 399 00:22:51,521 --> 00:22:56,109 what you're describing is a prison gang in its infancy. 400 00:22:56,192 --> 00:22:57,693 That sounds serious. 401 00:22:58,987 --> 00:23:00,238 Well... 402 00:23:01,239 --> 00:23:03,867 not if we can prevent them from growing 403 00:23:03,949 --> 00:23:05,619 and getting organized. 404 00:23:05,701 --> 00:23:08,288 Thank you so much, Mr. Piscatella. 405 00:23:09,748 --> 00:23:11,249 I feel safer already. 406 00:23:15,253 --> 00:23:17,713 You know what? I really love your beard. 407 00:23:17,797 --> 00:23:20,050 I've had a beard since tenth grade. 408 00:23:20,133 --> 00:23:22,385 Two beards, actually. 409 00:23:22,468 --> 00:23:25,721 The one on my face, and the one I took to junior prom. 410 00:23:27,182 --> 00:23:28,892 Yeah. 411 00:23:28,974 --> 00:23:30,393 I like dudes. 412 00:23:32,187 --> 00:23:34,730 I will never find you adorable. 413 00:23:36,024 --> 00:23:37,858 Keep that in mind. 414 00:23:46,242 --> 00:23:48,036 When I first started out... 415 00:23:49,204 --> 00:23:51,832 I thought the best way to help an inmate 416 00:23:51,915 --> 00:23:54,918 was to get involved in his day-to-day problems. 417 00:23:55,794 --> 00:23:59,923 The poor guy who was transferred ten states away from his family. 418 00:24:00,005 --> 00:24:03,343 The fella who's on a downward spiral in Seg. 419 00:24:03,426 --> 00:24:07,137 But what I learned is that to actually help them, 420 00:24:07,222 --> 00:24:11,351 you have to make their lives feel full. 421 00:24:11,434 --> 00:24:13,311 One time I did the math. 422 00:24:13,394 --> 00:24:17,858 I figured that, all together, the inmates on my watch 423 00:24:17,941 --> 00:24:23,446 had over 17,000 years of time on their sentences. 424 00:24:24,655 --> 00:24:26,657 Seventeen thousand years. 425 00:24:29,452 --> 00:24:32,247 That's longer than human recorded history. 426 00:24:33,914 --> 00:24:38,503 That is a hell of a lot of time to get something accomplished, 427 00:24:38,587 --> 00:24:41,381 to redeem lives. 428 00:24:41,464 --> 00:24:43,508 I just got the goosies. 429 00:24:43,592 --> 00:24:46,677 If only we can stop fixating on the days, 430 00:24:46,761 --> 00:24:49,639 and start thinking about the years. 431 00:25:26,510 --> 00:25:28,594 Oh, hell, no. 432 00:25:35,268 --> 00:25:37,646 Aw, so cute. 433 00:25:42,317 --> 00:25:45,110 Maybe it's a real old person and they can't help it. 434 00:25:45,195 --> 00:25:47,488 Nah, it's not an accident. 435 00:25:47,572 --> 00:25:50,408 Plus, you gotta be able to squat to poop in a shower, 436 00:25:50,491 --> 00:25:53,537 and old people are bad at squatting. 437 00:25:53,619 --> 00:25:57,415 Maybe they're very busy, and they're multitasking. 438 00:25:57,498 --> 00:26:00,585 My sister used to brush her teeth in the shower. 439 00:26:06,507 --> 00:26:07,675 Takin' all the hot water! 440 00:26:15,100 --> 00:26:16,183 Squatter. 441 00:26:16,267 --> 00:26:18,603 A-ha! 442 00:26:18,686 --> 00:26:19,812 Fuck off. 443 00:26:19,895 --> 00:26:21,897 - Sorry. - Nice work. 444 00:26:24,149 --> 00:26:25,235 So, here's the thing. 445 00:26:25,317 --> 00:26:28,153 I don't think the pooper's gonna poop at peak time. 446 00:26:28,238 --> 00:26:30,906 Oh, unless they're an exhibitionist pooper. 447 00:26:30,991 --> 00:26:33,409 - A poopscabitionist. - Hmm. 448 00:26:33,493 --> 00:26:34,702 Let me ask you this. 449 00:26:34,785 --> 00:26:38,123 How do they start in those detective novels? 450 00:26:38,205 --> 00:26:42,084 They gather up the usual suspects, people with criminal records. 451 00:26:42,167 --> 00:26:43,628 - Oh, criminal records, you say? - Fuck off! 452 00:26:43,711 --> 00:26:46,756 Suzanne, hey. That's everyone. 453 00:26:46,839 --> 00:26:48,258 True. 454 00:26:48,340 --> 00:26:49,967 True, true, true. 455 00:26:50,050 --> 00:26:54,389 Well, they also try to get inside of the mind of the criminal. 456 00:26:56,892 --> 00:26:59,351 Hello... Suzanne. 457 00:27:02,272 --> 00:27:03,689 Ugh... 458 00:27:05,566 --> 00:27:06,859 That's my ex. 459 00:27:06,942 --> 00:27:08,444 Oh, my goodness. She is pretty. 460 00:27:09,279 --> 00:27:11,781 She could use a little more makeup, of course. 461 00:27:11,864 --> 00:27:14,825 They make it waterproof now, so you never have to take it off. 462 00:27:14,910 --> 00:27:16,827 Yeah, I mean, it was good for a while, 463 00:27:16,912 --> 00:27:19,496 but then she started getting too clingy. 464 00:27:19,580 --> 00:27:23,543 You know, started leaving little gifts on my pillow, like daisy chains. 465 00:27:23,626 --> 00:27:29,381 You don't think that she might be leaving any other kinds of "gifts"? 466 00:27:29,465 --> 00:27:31,176 No. 467 00:27:33,594 --> 00:27:35,763 No. 468 00:27:38,558 --> 00:27:41,143 Suspect number one. 469 00:27:41,227 --> 00:27:43,270 The game is afoot. 470 00:27:43,354 --> 00:27:45,397 Attention, inmates. The updated facility rules 471 00:27:45,481 --> 00:27:48,234 and inmate discipline list is posted in the day room. 472 00:27:52,488 --> 00:27:53,698 All right, get out of here. 473 00:27:55,908 --> 00:27:58,285 All right, ladies. Up against the wall. 474 00:27:58,369 --> 00:27:59,454 This is straight-up profiling. 475 00:27:59,537 --> 00:28:01,872 Oh, no, no. These are just random searches. 476 00:28:03,040 --> 00:28:04,250 - Get it out. - And what about her? 477 00:28:04,334 --> 00:28:05,376 Hands against the wall. 478 00:28:05,460 --> 00:28:06,669 - I didn't do nothing. - Shut up. 479 00:28:09,840 --> 00:28:11,216 Oh, bingo. 480 00:28:13,343 --> 00:28:15,010 How many shots is that, Humps? 481 00:28:16,053 --> 00:28:17,848 As many as you want. 482 00:28:23,310 --> 00:28:25,563 It's just one shot for you. 483 00:28:25,646 --> 00:28:27,357 Next time bring enough for everybody. 484 00:28:27,439 --> 00:28:30,025 Hey, Humphrey, how do you know when an inmate's lying? 485 00:28:30,110 --> 00:28:32,027 - How? - She opens her mouth. 486 00:28:33,028 --> 00:28:34,614 That's funny. 487 00:28:34,697 --> 00:28:35,781 Well, hey there, Hot Pants. 488 00:28:35,866 --> 00:28:37,658 - You talking to me? - Well, that's your name, isn't it? 489 00:28:37,742 --> 00:28:39,870 - Actually, it's Mendoza. - Oh, that wasn't a question. 490 00:28:41,203 --> 00:28:43,539 Better get a cavity search on that one. 491 00:28:43,623 --> 00:28:45,541 She's gotta be hiding something in an ass that big. 492 00:28:45,625 --> 00:28:46,751 Oh, yeah? 493 00:28:48,419 --> 00:28:50,337 It helps to give 'em a compliment, now and then. 494 00:28:50,421 --> 00:28:51,422 Boosts morale. 495 00:28:51,506 --> 00:28:53,591 Don't think I'm not taking this to your superior. 496 00:28:53,674 --> 00:28:55,968 Oh, Officer Dixon answers to Officer Dixon. 497 00:28:56,051 --> 00:28:57,845 Don't we answer to Piscatella? 498 00:28:57,928 --> 00:29:00,515 Jesus, McCullough. You are such a boner killer. 499 00:29:01,557 --> 00:29:03,726 Make sure you go deep. 500 00:29:10,316 --> 00:29:14,279 "Media Relations: Turning Scandals into Scandal-ade." 501 00:29:14,361 --> 00:29:16,113 That sounds useful. Put a star by it. 502 00:29:16,197 --> 00:29:17,323 Yeah. 503 00:29:17,407 --> 00:29:19,534 Uh... "Prison Health Care Rights and Wrongs: 504 00:29:19,617 --> 00:29:22,328 Taking Max to the Max." 505 00:29:22,412 --> 00:29:23,663 Mmm... nah. 506 00:29:24,705 --> 00:29:28,043 "Immigration Violations: The Next Gold Mine." 507 00:29:29,710 --> 00:29:30,961 What was the last gold mine? 508 00:29:32,463 --> 00:29:34,757 I don't know, the war on drugs, I guess? 509 00:29:41,306 --> 00:29:45,518 That thing he said, about making their lives full. 510 00:29:45,601 --> 00:29:46,852 Feel full. 511 00:29:47,770 --> 00:29:49,271 You think we can do that at Litchfield? 512 00:29:50,022 --> 00:29:51,441 We can do whatever we want. 513 00:29:53,359 --> 00:29:55,027 Well, I want that. 514 00:29:56,111 --> 00:29:58,030 I wanna give that to them. 515 00:29:58,656 --> 00:30:00,491 As long as it fits in the budget. 516 00:30:05,412 --> 00:30:07,039 I'm a little nervous. 517 00:30:08,249 --> 00:30:10,501 - About the panel? - Mmm-hmm. 518 00:30:10,585 --> 00:30:11,752 You're gonna be great. 519 00:30:11,837 --> 00:30:14,046 I mean, I know purchasing isn't a sexy topic 520 00:30:14,129 --> 00:30:16,091 like drugs or capital punishment, but... 521 00:30:16,173 --> 00:30:17,174 Don't say that. 522 00:30:17,258 --> 00:30:21,679 I just am gonna be up there representing MCC and I... 523 00:30:21,762 --> 00:30:23,764 I really wanna knock it out of the park. 524 00:30:23,849 --> 00:30:25,391 Linda... 525 00:30:25,475 --> 00:30:28,435 you don't even know what you are. 526 00:30:29,395 --> 00:30:32,773 You are the Mickey Mantle of MCC. 527 00:30:32,858 --> 00:30:36,819 You are the Cy Young of Correctional Purchasing. 528 00:30:36,902 --> 00:30:38,404 Are those sports people? 529 00:30:39,154 --> 00:30:40,573 Does the pope shit in the woods? 530 00:30:42,199 --> 00:30:44,326 Oh, Joe. You're so funny. 531 00:30:47,955 --> 00:30:51,709 Oh, look, "Shanks for the Memories: A History of Prison Weapons." 532 00:30:58,048 --> 00:30:59,425 Bye-bye, sleep mask. 533 00:31:00,342 --> 00:31:01,969 Time to meet my snizz. 534 00:31:02,052 --> 00:31:04,096 Think it'll stay in? 535 00:31:04,180 --> 00:31:06,974 Just don't lose it up there, that could get serious. 536 00:31:10,270 --> 00:31:12,354 Well, la-di-da. 537 00:31:13,398 --> 00:31:15,482 Little Miss One Percent herself. 538 00:31:15,566 --> 00:31:17,359 Hey, what are you charging for one of those? 539 00:31:19,862 --> 00:31:21,488 Five dollars. 540 00:31:22,364 --> 00:31:24,534 Guadalupe was charging a buck yesterday! 541 00:31:24,617 --> 00:31:27,620 Inflation, like we back in the Bush era. 542 00:31:27,703 --> 00:31:30,122 Bitch, you never left the Bush era, 543 00:31:30,206 --> 00:31:32,708 judging by all that creeping from your panties. 544 00:31:32,792 --> 00:31:34,501 I'll give you three bucks. 545 00:31:35,836 --> 00:31:36,837 You got it right now? 546 00:31:36,921 --> 00:31:38,714 No, but I can get it to you by the end of the week. 547 00:31:38,797 --> 00:31:41,133 Don't do it. She'll charge you interest. 548 00:31:41,217 --> 00:31:42,551 That's what her people do. 549 00:31:44,178 --> 00:31:48,766 I know you did not just call me a money lender. 550 00:31:48,849 --> 00:31:50,476 'Cause that right there would be hate speech. 551 00:31:50,559 --> 00:31:53,354 What if we got something to trade? 552 00:31:53,437 --> 00:31:55,189 Something you might really want. 553 00:31:55,272 --> 00:31:57,399 No trades. 554 00:31:58,526 --> 00:32:05,282 The only language this Jew here speak is cold hard cash. 555 00:32:06,158 --> 00:32:08,994 You see, it's okay when I say it. 556 00:32:48,450 --> 00:32:49,618 Is anything the matter? 557 00:32:50,327 --> 00:32:51,954 Gold star for you, Chapman. 558 00:32:52,872 --> 00:32:54,164 Your intel was good. 559 00:32:54,248 --> 00:32:55,457 Really? 560 00:32:57,751 --> 00:32:59,920 - What did you find out? - None of your concern. 561 00:33:01,422 --> 00:33:02,715 Let me just say, 562 00:33:02,798 --> 00:33:06,260 if you felt like assembling a group of like-minded individuals, 563 00:33:06,343 --> 00:33:08,304 reliable inmates like yourself, 564 00:33:08,387 --> 00:33:11,015 with an interest in keeping this prison gang-free... 565 00:33:11,849 --> 00:33:13,976 I assembled a task force once at Smith. 566 00:33:15,311 --> 00:33:17,229 There was somebody putting bubble baths in all the fountains, 567 00:33:17,313 --> 00:33:18,606 and we totally caught her. 568 00:33:18,689 --> 00:33:19,773 Bubble bath. 569 00:33:20,733 --> 00:33:22,359 Is that related to bath salts? 570 00:33:22,443 --> 00:33:24,236 No, it's just bubbles. 571 00:33:24,320 --> 00:33:25,779 For baths? 572 00:33:26,447 --> 00:33:29,742 It was right before parents weekend, so the administration was really upset. 573 00:33:31,493 --> 00:33:33,120 But gangs. 574 00:33:33,204 --> 00:33:34,705 Gangs, Mr. Piscatella... 575 00:33:35,789 --> 00:33:37,499 gangs are the issue here. 576 00:33:37,583 --> 00:33:40,419 And I will assemble a task force to stop them. 577 00:33:42,171 --> 00:33:43,172 Sir. 578 00:33:43,255 --> 00:33:45,841 You really shouldn't do that unless you're in the armed forces. 579 00:33:45,925 --> 00:33:47,259 How do you know I'm not? 580 00:33:49,303 --> 00:33:50,721 It won't happen again. 581 00:33:55,100 --> 00:33:57,686 Mr. Piscatella, you got a minute? 582 00:33:58,437 --> 00:34:00,397 - What is it, inmate? - Gloria Mendoza. 583 00:34:00,481 --> 00:34:01,899 I just thought that you should know 584 00:34:01,982 --> 00:34:04,401 that some of your new guards are stopping girls for no reason 585 00:34:04,485 --> 00:34:07,029 - and being extra invasive. - Yeah? 586 00:34:07,112 --> 00:34:08,739 And everyone they're stopping looks like... 587 00:34:08,822 --> 00:34:10,407 Like you? 588 00:34:10,908 --> 00:34:12,785 Look, I didn't go to law school or nothing, 589 00:34:12,868 --> 00:34:16,080 but I know that they gotta be stepping on a few civil liberties here. 590 00:34:16,163 --> 00:34:18,499 You committed a crime, inmate. 591 00:34:19,458 --> 00:34:22,836 So, if you wanna see who "stepped on your civil liberties," 592 00:34:22,920 --> 00:34:24,964 check under your own boot. 593 00:34:32,054 --> 00:34:34,598 Flaca and Maritza together again. 594 00:34:34,682 --> 00:34:38,185 It's like we're back in the kitchen, but crime-ier. 595 00:34:38,269 --> 00:34:40,479 Does it show? 596 00:34:40,563 --> 00:34:43,190 Mmm-mmm, it looks like you had a big plate of pasta. 597 00:34:43,274 --> 00:34:45,025 Oh, my God, I'm a fatty! 598 00:34:45,109 --> 00:34:46,527 But it's for a good cause. 599 00:34:47,570 --> 00:34:49,238 Are you nervous? 600 00:34:49,321 --> 00:34:50,406 It's only boys. 601 00:34:50,489 --> 00:34:52,783 Once you get the blood rushing to their dicks, 602 00:34:52,867 --> 00:34:54,243 they're like your servants. 603 00:34:54,326 --> 00:34:56,453 All I gotta do is convince the one guy 604 00:34:56,537 --> 00:34:59,456 who always watches me to go inside and party with the others. 605 00:34:59,540 --> 00:35:02,251 Then there's ten minutes before I drive the day shift up. 606 00:35:02,334 --> 00:35:05,754 Ten minutes for Alonso to grab that shit from the wheel well. 607 00:35:06,881 --> 00:35:08,048 Shit. 608 00:35:11,594 --> 00:35:13,012 - Go now. - What? 609 00:35:13,095 --> 00:35:14,847 Do it! Do it now, trust me. 610 00:35:19,643 --> 00:35:21,061 What, I don't get any love? 611 00:35:22,688 --> 00:35:23,772 Well, that's a new one. 612 00:35:23,856 --> 00:35:26,859 We don't get touched a lot in here, except by the lezzies. 613 00:35:26,942 --> 00:35:29,195 Sometimes, you need a little human contact. 614 00:35:29,278 --> 00:35:30,821 Especially by an expert. 615 00:35:41,457 --> 00:35:42,499 Ooh! 616 00:35:54,303 --> 00:35:55,679 You're all set. 617 00:35:55,763 --> 00:35:57,765 Hope it was as good for you as it was for me. 618 00:35:57,848 --> 00:35:59,725 Don't forget about my friend over there. 619 00:35:59,808 --> 00:36:02,269 She really misses her boyfriend. 620 00:36:02,353 --> 00:36:04,188 Last frisk of the day. 621 00:36:55,406 --> 00:36:56,615 Can I help you, miss? 622 00:36:56,699 --> 00:36:59,118 I'm just looking for now, thanks. 623 00:36:59,743 --> 00:37:01,495 So comfy. 624 00:37:01,579 --> 00:37:04,415 - I'm Lucas, if you need anything. - Thanks. 625 00:37:14,049 --> 00:37:15,759 Ever drive one of these bad boys? 626 00:37:15,843 --> 00:37:17,344 Uh... 627 00:37:17,428 --> 00:37:20,431 I wasted half my life driving a Saab. 628 00:37:20,514 --> 00:37:22,600 My wife always said they were safe in an accident. 629 00:37:23,100 --> 00:37:26,812 But they still couldn't pull any bodies from the car wreck of our marriage. 630 00:37:30,107 --> 00:37:31,108 You are bad. 631 00:37:32,860 --> 00:37:33,861 Well... 632 00:37:34,528 --> 00:37:36,697 you see anything here you like? 633 00:37:36,780 --> 00:37:39,033 Uh... definitely. 634 00:37:39,116 --> 00:37:40,868 Uh, what would you recommend? 635 00:37:40,951 --> 00:37:43,621 Well, the Gran Turismo is awesome, 636 00:37:43,704 --> 00:37:47,666 but the Gran Cabrio always gives me a special little tingle. 637 00:37:47,750 --> 00:37:49,710 The Gran Cabrio it is. 638 00:37:50,461 --> 00:37:53,923 We're just gonna need some ID and I'll go hook you up with the keys. 639 00:38:04,808 --> 00:38:06,769 How can we help you today, Mrs... 640 00:38:06,851 --> 00:38:07,852 Spencer. 641 00:38:08,896 --> 00:38:12,191 My hubby and I would like to take the Gran Cabrio out for a spin. 642 00:38:13,651 --> 00:38:15,027 He's the one over there. 643 00:38:15,109 --> 00:38:16,570 Ain't he cute? 644 00:38:17,571 --> 00:38:18,656 Very distinguished. 645 00:38:18,738 --> 00:38:20,199 His name is Edward. 646 00:38:21,616 --> 00:38:24,286 All right, Mrs. Spencer. 647 00:38:24,369 --> 00:38:27,331 You are all set. 648 00:38:27,414 --> 00:38:29,624 You can take the one down in front in Etruscan onyx. 649 00:38:30,709 --> 00:38:32,627 Uh, Etruscan... 650 00:38:32,711 --> 00:38:34,547 Between the classic obsidian and the midnight noir. 651 00:38:34,629 --> 00:38:36,799 Oh, the Etruscan onyx! 652 00:38:41,220 --> 00:38:43,638 Wait till you feel this transaxle layout. 653 00:38:43,722 --> 00:38:45,683 A pretty lady who knows cars. 654 00:38:45,765 --> 00:38:47,392 This is like a junior high wet dream. 655 00:38:47,476 --> 00:38:50,019 It's important to chase your dreams. After you. 656 00:39:02,241 --> 00:39:04,243 Hey, sorry I got held up. 657 00:39:04,326 --> 00:39:06,661 Can't wait to tell you more about this beauty. 658 00:39:23,428 --> 00:39:26,098 It's a pretty good squat you got there, Jefferson. 659 00:39:26,180 --> 00:39:28,100 Strong knees. 660 00:39:28,182 --> 00:39:29,309 Thanks. 661 00:39:29,393 --> 00:39:31,478 Do you find yourself squatting 662 00:39:31,561 --> 00:39:34,773 in unusual places throughout the course of your day? 663 00:39:34,857 --> 00:39:37,860 Places that people wouldn't normally squat? 664 00:39:38,442 --> 00:39:40,820 What the fuck are you talking about? 665 00:39:40,904 --> 00:39:42,446 I have no idea. 666 00:40:14,039 --> 00:40:16,343 I mean, we have all met those CFOs 667 00:40:16,368 --> 00:40:20,587 who think that Purchasing is only about cost reduction. 668 00:40:20,671 --> 00:40:24,008 But it's like, hello, haven't they ever heard of strategic sourcing, 669 00:40:24,090 --> 00:40:26,886 discount procurement, or commodity cultivation? 670 00:40:26,968 --> 00:40:27,969 That's fascinating. 671 00:40:28,053 --> 00:40:31,682 I'm sorry to take us into choppy waters, but... 672 00:40:31,765 --> 00:40:33,934 how do you respond to the critics who say 673 00:40:34,018 --> 00:40:38,147 the bottom line is affecting the prisoners' quality of life? 674 00:40:38,396 --> 00:40:39,935 Well, that is a good question. 675 00:40:40,982 --> 00:40:44,028 And at the end of the day, it is a prison, not the Four Seasons. 676 00:40:45,821 --> 00:40:47,614 Um... but all joking aside, 677 00:40:47,698 --> 00:40:50,910 we at MCC have found that the prisoners' quality of life 678 00:40:50,992 --> 00:40:53,829 has actually improved with the advent of cost... 679 00:40:53,913 --> 00:40:56,290 Why don't you tell 'em how you doubled the beds, Linda? 680 00:40:56,372 --> 00:40:58,709 Uh... 681 00:40:58,792 --> 00:40:59,876 As I was saying... 682 00:40:59,960 --> 00:41:02,629 Or tell 'em about how the food makes everyone puke? 683 00:41:04,465 --> 00:41:06,842 Or that Sophia Burset is in the SHU for no reason? 684 00:41:06,926 --> 00:41:08,302 Hey! That's enough. 685 00:41:08,384 --> 00:41:09,929 Well, if the gentleman has finished, 686 00:41:10,011 --> 00:41:12,181 - there will be a Q and A... - Yeah. I'm finished all right. 687 00:41:12,263 --> 00:41:14,975 I'm finished with a company that refuses to acknowledge 688 00:41:15,059 --> 00:41:18,229 what happens when we monetize human beings. 689 00:41:18,312 --> 00:41:20,564 - Do you wanna sit down? - Do you even see yourselves? 690 00:41:20,647 --> 00:41:24,443 The magic lasers, and... and prison ice cream. 691 00:41:24,525 --> 00:41:29,740 This whole thing is a disgusting display of how industry dollars are spent. 692 00:41:29,823 --> 00:41:31,532 And I was like you a few months ago. 693 00:41:31,617 --> 00:41:34,535 I used to come to this conference every year, 694 00:41:34,620 --> 00:41:37,413 and I never thought about the inmates. 695 00:41:37,498 --> 00:41:41,752 But, you know, maybe you're too afraid to admit it, 696 00:41:41,835 --> 00:41:44,588 but if you just go to my web page, Dannytalkstruth.com... 697 00:41:44,671 --> 00:41:45,672 Why don't you come with me? 698 00:41:45,756 --> 00:41:47,173 Well, I bought a ticket like everybody else. 699 00:41:47,258 --> 00:41:49,510 Hey, why don't you let him go? He's harmless. 700 00:41:49,593 --> 00:41:51,720 - Uh, don't call me harmless, but I... - Are you with him? 701 00:41:51,803 --> 00:41:52,804 I'm just trying to help. 702 00:41:52,888 --> 00:41:54,556 - Hey... - Step back, step back. 703 00:41:54,640 --> 00:41:55,807 That's it. You're done. 704 00:41:55,891 --> 00:41:57,393 Shit. I'm sorry. 705 00:41:57,476 --> 00:41:59,228 This is a misunderstanding. 706 00:41:59,310 --> 00:42:00,521 I am the warden at Litchfield. 707 00:42:00,604 --> 00:42:02,147 The Director of Human Activities. 708 00:42:02,231 --> 00:42:03,815 It's the same fucking thing. 709 00:42:03,899 --> 00:42:06,192 - It's a small point. Sorry, Joe. - It's the same thing. 710 00:42:08,444 --> 00:42:12,241 CorrectiCon Assaultimore, am I right? 711 00:42:22,458 --> 00:42:24,460 Are you sure you don't wanna come with? 712 00:42:24,545 --> 00:42:27,088 We have to take the day shift up in ten minutes. 713 00:42:27,172 --> 00:42:29,383 You can get pretty drunk in ten minutes. 714 00:42:29,465 --> 00:42:31,760 You want me to leave Ramos unattended? 715 00:42:31,843 --> 00:42:32,928 Or bring her with. 716 00:42:33,012 --> 00:42:34,930 You two can give us a little show. 717 00:42:36,807 --> 00:42:38,809 We're good here, thanks. 718 00:42:51,237 --> 00:42:53,865 Aren't you kinda curious what they do in there? 719 00:42:53,949 --> 00:42:55,867 I know exactly what they do. 720 00:42:55,951 --> 00:42:59,746 Scratch each other's balls and play Call of Duty: Guantanamo. 721 00:43:04,919 --> 00:43:07,713 Can you believe this whole maxi pad thing? 722 00:43:07,796 --> 00:43:10,341 I got a wad of toilet paper so far up my hoohoo, 723 00:43:11,050 --> 00:43:12,968 I'm not sure it's ever gonna come out. 724 00:43:13,052 --> 00:43:15,554 And it's giving me a not-so-fresh feeling. 725 00:43:15,637 --> 00:43:18,682 I got a box of tampons at my place. You can borrow one. 726 00:43:18,765 --> 00:43:21,185 - Really? - Just make sure you return it. 727 00:43:43,374 --> 00:43:46,292 The torque vectoring is akin to what you'd find at the Indy 500. 728 00:43:46,377 --> 00:43:49,755 Oh, yeah, I can feel the... torque. 729 00:43:49,837 --> 00:43:52,383 485 foot-pounds of torque. 730 00:43:52,465 --> 00:43:54,260 A Ferrari is only 400. 731 00:43:55,135 --> 00:43:56,887 You know a lot about cars. 732 00:43:56,970 --> 00:43:58,930 Uh, I sure do. 733 00:43:59,014 --> 00:44:01,683 Are there a lot of women in the industry? 734 00:44:03,476 --> 00:44:05,771 Mmm... what would you say? 735 00:44:05,853 --> 00:44:08,731 Yeah, but they're mostly glorified hood ornaments, I'm afraid. 736 00:44:08,815 --> 00:44:11,402 How long have you two been together? 737 00:44:11,484 --> 00:44:14,612 - Me and her? - About ten minutes, ha! 738 00:44:16,197 --> 00:44:17,533 At least, it feels that way. 739 00:44:17,615 --> 00:44:20,076 Time moves pretty fast. 740 00:44:20,160 --> 00:44:22,162 - But not as fast as one of these babies! - Mmm. 741 00:44:22,245 --> 00:44:23,664 Do you have kids? 742 00:44:23,746 --> 00:44:24,872 Yeah... 743 00:44:24,956 --> 00:44:26,792 Two spoiled little monsters. 744 00:44:26,874 --> 00:44:28,376 Fourteen and 16. 745 00:44:29,877 --> 00:44:31,337 From a previous marriage? 746 00:44:31,422 --> 00:44:33,339 Well, I've only been married the once. 747 00:44:33,424 --> 00:44:34,675 Learned my lesson. 748 00:44:34,757 --> 00:44:37,178 - I'm sorry, I thought you... - Edward's pretty tough to nail down. 749 00:44:37,260 --> 00:44:40,096 But you can't blame me for trying. 750 00:44:40,181 --> 00:44:42,183 Trying to close the deal, so to speak. 751 00:44:42,265 --> 00:44:43,684 Good. What about you? 752 00:44:43,766 --> 00:44:44,851 You have kids? 753 00:44:46,687 --> 00:44:48,189 No, silly. 754 00:44:48,271 --> 00:44:50,148 Why would I keep that a secret? 755 00:44:50,231 --> 00:44:51,232 Classic Edward. 756 00:44:51,317 --> 00:44:53,569 Actually, it's Teddy. 757 00:44:53,651 --> 00:44:56,154 Wait till you hear this sound system. 758 00:45:01,367 --> 00:45:03,286 How did you guys meet? 759 00:45:03,369 --> 00:45:05,413 Ooh, feel that bass! 760 00:45:05,496 --> 00:45:08,625 - What kind of meat? - I just love hair metal! 761 00:45:08,709 --> 00:45:10,711 Meet! Where did you meet? 762 00:45:11,962 --> 00:45:14,422 Can you pull over? I think I'm gonna be sick! 763 00:45:18,885 --> 00:45:20,053 Oh. 764 00:45:30,188 --> 00:45:31,732 Are you gonna check on her? 765 00:45:33,066 --> 00:45:35,486 I was gonna ask you the same. 766 00:45:45,746 --> 00:45:47,789 You okay, sweetie? 767 00:45:51,793 --> 00:45:53,336 Hey! Where the hell are you going? 768 00:45:53,419 --> 00:45:54,796 What are you doing? 769 00:46:04,265 --> 00:46:05,682 So, how will you be paying? 770 00:46:15,901 --> 00:46:17,152 You're missing an "E" in "careers." 771 00:46:17,235 --> 00:46:18,736 It's "carers." 772 00:46:20,281 --> 00:46:21,573 Like you care. 773 00:46:22,865 --> 00:46:24,075 Like you give a shit. 774 00:46:24,159 --> 00:46:25,911 "Community Carers"? 775 00:46:26,869 --> 00:46:27,996 That sounds kind of gay. 776 00:46:29,415 --> 00:46:31,457 Gay for safety, maybe. 777 00:46:31,542 --> 00:46:32,668 Gay for justice. 778 00:46:32,750 --> 00:46:34,961 - Huh? - It is not gay. 779 00:46:35,045 --> 00:46:37,505 At least in the pejorative sense. 780 00:46:37,589 --> 00:46:39,550 We are a group of like-minded individuals 781 00:46:39,632 --> 00:46:44,220 that does not want to see this prison overrun by gangs and gang violence. 782 00:46:44,305 --> 00:46:45,722 Don't you want that? 783 00:46:46,890 --> 00:46:48,309 I do. Ow. 784 00:46:50,643 --> 00:46:51,937 You need help spreading the word? 785 00:46:56,567 --> 00:46:58,151 I love it here. 786 00:46:58,234 --> 00:47:02,030 It's, like, where we met, when you think about it. 787 00:47:02,113 --> 00:47:03,699 Yeah, it was pretty romantic. 788 00:47:03,781 --> 00:47:06,743 I mean, you were drooling and dead and shit. 789 00:47:08,161 --> 00:47:11,457 And I'm freaking the fuck out. 790 00:47:11,539 --> 00:47:13,625 Can you read me something in German? 791 00:47:13,709 --> 00:47:15,501 I think it's such a pretty language. 792 00:47:15,586 --> 00:47:18,546 Yeah, maybe compared to, like, American? 793 00:47:19,215 --> 00:47:22,468 - You're so weird. - Stop it! You're weird. 794 00:47:22,550 --> 00:47:24,636 Let's go find... let's go find the Rilke. 795 00:47:24,720 --> 00:47:26,512 Yes! 796 00:47:26,597 --> 00:47:28,556 - Yes! - Okay. 797 00:47:29,933 --> 00:47:31,309 - Turn around, it's this way. - Mmm-mmm. What? 798 00:47:34,520 --> 00:47:36,189 Yay! Story time! 799 00:47:36,272 --> 00:47:38,024 Oh. Shh. 800 00:47:39,025 --> 00:47:40,568 She's been studying all morning. 801 00:47:42,613 --> 00:47:46,867 Oh, my God, trig! My second favorite category in Mathletics. 802 00:47:47,909 --> 00:47:50,871 Lucky me. A fairy god-chink to teach me math. 803 00:47:50,954 --> 00:47:55,251 That's an offensive generalization, although apt in this case. 804 00:47:55,333 --> 00:47:56,834 Yeah, she plays the piano, too. 805 00:47:56,918 --> 00:47:59,295 But I think bubble tea is disgusting. 806 00:47:59,380 --> 00:48:01,673 And I never liked Hello Kitty. She has no mouth. 807 00:48:01,757 --> 00:48:02,758 Okay! 808 00:48:02,840 --> 00:48:05,511 The angle of elevation of a hot air balloon changes 809 00:48:05,593 --> 00:48:08,846 from 25 degrees at 10:00 a.m. to 60 degrees at 10:02 a.m. 810 00:48:08,930 --> 00:48:11,642 Did you already figure out the point of observation? 811 00:48:12,850 --> 00:48:13,935 What the fuck is she saying? 812 00:48:14,520 --> 00:48:16,854 Okay, this is gonna be fun. 813 00:48:16,938 --> 00:48:19,566 But... not as fun as calculus. 814 00:48:19,650 --> 00:48:22,068 I mean, calculus is where math meets poetry. 815 00:48:22,152 --> 00:48:24,154 And together, they give me a brain tumor. 816 00:48:24,237 --> 00:48:25,406 Okay. 817 00:48:25,488 --> 00:48:29,492 First, you're gonna need to find out the tangent of 25 818 00:48:29,576 --> 00:48:31,662 before we can figure out the tangent of 60. 819 00:48:31,744 --> 00:48:33,539 I'm not gonna lie, this is kind of turning me on. 820 00:48:33,621 --> 00:48:36,417 Is this the kind of thing I can use in real life? 821 00:48:36,499 --> 00:48:40,587 'Cause I'm supposed to be a productive member of society. 822 00:48:40,671 --> 00:48:41,672 Or some shit. 823 00:48:41,754 --> 00:48:43,881 Yeah, well, trig is very useful in determining 824 00:48:43,965 --> 00:48:45,508 the distance between celestial bodies. 825 00:48:45,592 --> 00:48:47,178 You're a celestial body. 826 00:48:47,260 --> 00:48:49,012 You're embarrassing me. 827 00:48:49,095 --> 00:48:51,056 Okay. Um... 828 00:48:51,139 --> 00:48:56,102 the upward speed is 3.16 meters per second. 829 00:48:57,145 --> 00:48:59,355 See? There you go. That wasn't too hard, was it? 830 00:48:59,440 --> 00:49:00,982 Yeah. Look at me go. 831 00:49:01,774 --> 00:49:03,568 Yeah! That's the spirit. 832 00:49:08,990 --> 00:49:10,658 Are we talking about the same McCullough? 833 00:49:11,284 --> 00:49:13,119 The one out there with the resting bitch face. 834 00:49:13,202 --> 00:49:15,330 Oh, yeah. Oh, she could totally be cute, 835 00:49:15,413 --> 00:49:17,707 if she got Princess Diaried. 836 00:49:18,583 --> 00:49:19,959 Oh, is that like, uh... 837 00:49:21,628 --> 00:49:22,962 What is that? 838 00:49:23,630 --> 00:49:26,132 It's where the chick in the movie is, like, all right. 839 00:49:26,215 --> 00:49:28,176 Normal. Hot-girl-actress normal. 840 00:49:28,259 --> 00:49:30,595 - Ah. - But then, straighten the hair, right, 841 00:49:30,678 --> 00:49:33,640 take the glasses off, you fix her teeth. 842 00:49:33,723 --> 00:49:35,934 - Yeah. - Give her a couple horse tranquilizers. 843 00:49:36,017 --> 00:49:38,311 There you go. 844 00:49:38,394 --> 00:49:42,815 Dude, you play it so smooth, but you're the biggest dick of all of us. 845 00:49:42,899 --> 00:49:44,025 Are you coming on to me? 846 00:49:44,108 --> 00:49:45,526 - Yes, I am. - It's working. 847 00:49:46,758 --> 00:49:48,488 Hey, Stratman, you want my Coors? 848 00:49:49,072 --> 00:49:50,323 I haven't taken a sip of it yet. 849 00:49:50,406 --> 00:49:52,700 I'm sorry, is Officer Dixon pacing himself? 850 00:49:52,784 --> 00:49:54,118 More room for Jäger. 851 00:49:54,202 --> 00:49:55,203 Oh. 852 00:49:55,920 --> 00:49:56,921 Sure, I guess. 853 00:49:57,005 --> 00:49:58,548 - There you go. - Oh, fuck, man! 854 00:49:58,631 --> 00:50:00,091 - Oh! - What the fuck? 855 00:50:00,175 --> 00:50:02,218 Oh! Classic! 856 00:50:02,302 --> 00:50:04,512 Oh, classic. 857 00:50:04,596 --> 00:50:06,306 I'm never gonna be able to unsee that. 858 00:50:18,485 --> 00:50:19,736 Hey, who's the taco? 859 00:50:22,697 --> 00:50:23,907 Dude! 860 00:50:26,076 --> 00:50:28,119 Yo, amigo! What are you doing here? 861 00:50:29,621 --> 00:50:30,663 Hey, bro. 862 00:50:30,747 --> 00:50:32,123 You habla English? 863 00:50:32,207 --> 00:50:33,666 'Lonso! 864 00:50:33,750 --> 00:50:37,754 You're supposed to trim the bushes on Wednesday, not Tuesday. 865 00:50:39,089 --> 00:50:40,173 Follow me. 866 00:50:41,091 --> 00:50:43,843 - You know this dude? - You guys haven't met Alonso? 867 00:50:43,927 --> 00:50:45,387 He's the gardener guy. 868 00:50:46,137 --> 00:50:48,056 I don't think I've ever seen him sober. 869 00:50:48,139 --> 00:50:51,017 No wonder he don't know his Tuesday from his Wednesday. 870 00:50:51,101 --> 00:50:52,686 Oh, a man after my own heart. 871 00:50:53,269 --> 00:50:54,771 Well, hey, bro, if you could, uh... 872 00:50:54,854 --> 00:50:57,732 take care of the weeds and shit out front, 873 00:50:57,816 --> 00:50:59,859 I know me and the fellas would really appreciate it. 874 00:51:00,443 --> 00:51:03,530 We may be animals, but we're not, you know, animals. 875 00:51:05,281 --> 00:51:07,033 Yes, I... I will do that. 876 00:51:07,784 --> 00:51:08,952 Thanks. 877 00:51:18,795 --> 00:51:21,840 You're smarter than you look, pretty girl. 878 00:51:37,063 --> 00:51:40,275 I know. Sucks being a lady sometimes, doesn't it? 879 00:51:50,493 --> 00:51:52,078 It was... it was all a knee-jerk reaction. 880 00:51:52,162 --> 00:51:54,080 I would actually blame Danny for that. 881 00:51:54,164 --> 00:51:56,332 Go ahead, tell my dad. I don't care. 882 00:51:57,459 --> 00:51:59,294 Why? Why would I tell your dad? 883 00:52:00,253 --> 00:52:01,296 No, I... 884 00:52:01,379 --> 00:52:04,174 I'm only saying if you did, I wouldn't care. 885 00:52:05,884 --> 00:52:10,930 Danny, telling Jack that you were arrested by a Baltimore rent-a-cop 886 00:52:11,014 --> 00:52:15,101 would mean telling him that I was arrested by a Baltimore rent-a-cop. 887 00:52:15,185 --> 00:52:16,811 So rest easy. 888 00:52:16,895 --> 00:52:21,733 Your career as Norma Rae is safe with me. 889 00:52:21,816 --> 00:52:23,485 Oh. Okay. 890 00:52:24,319 --> 00:52:25,570 Thanks. 891 00:52:27,113 --> 00:52:29,074 'Course I can't speak for her. 892 00:52:32,285 --> 00:52:34,746 So... Linda, huh? 893 00:52:36,289 --> 00:52:37,707 I knew you were in bed with my father, 894 00:52:37,791 --> 00:52:40,251 but I didn't know you were doing it with Satan herself. 895 00:52:40,335 --> 00:52:42,087 We're not doing it. 896 00:52:43,380 --> 00:52:44,798 What the hell is that supposed to mean? 897 00:52:46,925 --> 00:52:50,220 From one Director of Human Activity to another... 898 00:52:50,303 --> 00:52:51,554 watch out for that one. 899 00:52:55,141 --> 00:52:56,434 Okay. 900 00:52:58,353 --> 00:53:00,855 I've convinced them that you're no longer a threat to society. 901 00:53:03,024 --> 00:53:04,693 You can leave now, Danny. 902 00:53:05,944 --> 00:53:07,278 Boo. Hiss. 903 00:53:08,655 --> 00:53:10,949 Uh-uh. Not you. 904 00:53:11,032 --> 00:53:13,034 I know, I... 905 00:53:13,118 --> 00:53:14,327 I lost my cool in there. 906 00:53:14,411 --> 00:53:19,082 You should have followed MCC protocol never to engage with a protester. 907 00:53:19,165 --> 00:53:23,086 But that is not your worst offense. 908 00:53:24,796 --> 00:53:26,256 You, sir... 909 00:53:26,339 --> 00:53:28,425 are arrested... 910 00:53:28,508 --> 00:53:31,010 for chivalry in the first degree. 911 00:53:31,803 --> 00:53:33,054 What? 912 00:53:33,138 --> 00:53:35,932 Standing up for me like that. 913 00:53:37,100 --> 00:53:40,729 You are full of surprises, mister. 914 00:53:48,319 --> 00:53:49,821 Those Karate Kid moves. 915 00:53:49,904 --> 00:53:51,948 - I got more moves where that came from. - Oh, yeah? 916 00:53:53,491 --> 00:53:54,951 Let's see. 917 00:54:06,129 --> 00:54:07,130 Oh! 918 00:54:13,511 --> 00:54:17,432 Let me start by saying, I am so encouraged by this turnout. 919 00:54:18,349 --> 00:54:22,187 I always knew that Litchfield had a strong community of carers. 920 00:54:22,270 --> 00:54:24,314 Women who are willing to keep their eyes open 921 00:54:24,397 --> 00:54:27,275 for any miscreant activity, any malfeasance. 922 00:54:30,195 --> 00:54:31,738 Bad stuff. 923 00:54:32,906 --> 00:54:34,866 There is a sickness sweeping this prison. 924 00:54:34,949 --> 00:54:35,992 Like an STD? 925 00:54:36,076 --> 00:54:38,870 A societal STD, you might say. 926 00:54:40,705 --> 00:54:42,123 And we... 927 00:54:43,166 --> 00:54:44,959 we get to be the antibodies. 928 00:54:45,043 --> 00:54:51,132 The medicated cream, I guess, that then fights off that STD. 929 00:54:51,216 --> 00:54:54,969 Whenever you are walking down the halls and you sense a shadowy presence, 930 00:54:55,053 --> 00:54:57,472 whenever the walls are tainted with graffiti... 931 00:54:57,555 --> 00:54:59,933 - She said "taint." - Shh. 932 00:55:00,016 --> 00:55:02,394 What I am trying to say is... 933 00:55:04,312 --> 00:55:07,816 will you join me on a quest to keep our hallways clean 934 00:55:07,899 --> 00:55:10,485 and our hearts pure of purpose? 935 00:55:11,653 --> 00:55:13,613 Piper's right, you guys. 936 00:55:13,697 --> 00:55:17,450 You can't swing a cat around here lately without hitting a dirty Dominican. 937 00:55:17,533 --> 00:55:18,952 Oh, no, that's not what I meant. 938 00:55:19,034 --> 00:55:22,330 Amen to that! You know, we're always having to hear about Latin Pride. 939 00:55:22,413 --> 00:55:24,582 - Yeah. - And Black Pride. 940 00:55:24,665 --> 00:55:25,834 And Asian Pride. 941 00:55:25,916 --> 00:55:27,001 Wait, Asian Pride? 942 00:55:27,085 --> 00:55:28,962 Yo, why can't there be such a thing as White Pride? 943 00:55:29,044 --> 00:55:33,173 Yeah! We're always hearing about how black lives matter. 944 00:55:33,258 --> 00:55:35,093 Well, don't our lives matter? 945 00:55:35,175 --> 00:55:36,426 Right? 946 00:55:36,511 --> 00:55:38,554 White lives matter. 947 00:55:38,638 --> 00:55:40,598 White lives matter! 948 00:55:40,681 --> 00:55:42,726 White lives matter! 949 00:55:42,808 --> 00:55:44,769 White lives matter! 950 00:55:44,853 --> 00:55:46,479 White lives matter! 951 00:55:46,562 --> 00:55:48,273 White lives matter! 952 00:55:48,356 --> 00:55:50,441 White lives matter! 953 00:55:50,525 --> 00:55:52,192 White lives matter! 954 00:55:52,277 --> 00:55:54,112 White lives matter! 955 00:55:54,194 --> 00:55:56,364 White lives matter! 956 00:55:56,447 --> 00:55:58,366 White lives matter! 957 00:55:58,449 --> 00:56:00,160 White lives matter! 958 00:56:00,243 --> 00:56:01,536 White lives matter! 959 00:56:01,619 --> 00:56:03,621 White lives matter! 960 00:56:03,704 --> 00:56:05,290 White lives matter! 961 00:56:05,373 --> 00:56:07,000 White lives matter! 962 00:56:07,082 --> 00:56:08,793 White lives matter! 963 00:56:08,877 --> 00:56:10,420 White lives matter! 964 00:56:10,503 --> 00:56:11,880 White lives matter! 965 00:56:11,962 --> 00:56:13,589 White lives matter! 966 00:56:13,673 --> 00:56:15,050 White lives matter! 967 00:56:15,133 --> 00:56:16,384 White lives matter!