1 00:01:21,626 --> 00:01:23,669 I've never seen it this long. 2 00:01:23,753 --> 00:01:26,088 This is worse than Disneyland. 3 00:01:26,172 --> 00:01:27,423 You've been to Disneyland? 4 00:01:27,507 --> 00:01:31,051 Uh, we go to this off-brand version outside of Worcester. 5 00:01:31,969 --> 00:01:34,514 For years, I thought his name was Milton Mouse. 6 00:01:35,515 --> 00:01:37,308 That's fucked up. 7 00:01:37,392 --> 00:01:40,019 And Snow White had a lot of mud in her snow, 8 00:01:40,102 --> 00:01:41,312 if you know what I mean. 9 00:01:41,396 --> 00:01:43,648 What's that supposed to mean, you're out of maxi pads? 10 00:01:43,731 --> 00:01:47,568 It means there's 100 new inmates, but the same budget for inessentials. 11 00:01:48,403 --> 00:01:49,695 You hear that? 12 00:01:49,779 --> 00:01:53,158 My baby box is inessential. 13 00:01:53,241 --> 00:01:54,325 No way. 14 00:01:54,409 --> 00:01:56,577 You can buy tampons at commissary. 15 00:01:58,621 --> 00:02:00,623 For ten bucks a box. 16 00:02:00,706 --> 00:02:03,376 We make ten cents an hour. 17 00:02:05,044 --> 00:02:08,339 Wait. What're we supposed to do? Use toilet paper? 18 00:02:08,964 --> 00:02:12,760 I got enough tampons for this time, if I only use one a day. 19 00:02:12,843 --> 00:02:15,012 Yeah, let me know how that works out. 20 00:02:15,095 --> 00:02:17,348 One time, I ran outta tampons, 21 00:02:17,432 --> 00:02:21,519 so I used one of those, um, dinosaur just-add-water sponges for kids. 22 00:02:21,602 --> 00:02:22,728 It was really fun. 23 00:02:22,812 --> 00:02:23,979 'Cause it was like, 24 00:02:24,063 --> 00:02:26,274 "Ooh, I wonder what this will be? 25 00:02:26,357 --> 00:02:29,444 - Oh! Brontosaurus Rex!" - Surprise. 26 00:02:29,527 --> 00:02:32,655 - Covered in baby blood! - There ain't no Brontosaurus Rex. 27 00:02:32,738 --> 00:02:36,367 - What? - It's Brontosaurus. Period. 28 00:02:36,451 --> 00:02:38,744 Though now they're saying it's Apatosaurus. 29 00:02:39,287 --> 00:02:41,206 My five-year-old's crazy for that shit. 30 00:02:41,289 --> 00:02:43,166 Hello. We are all in line here. 31 00:02:43,249 --> 00:02:44,834 - So, you need to get to the back... - What're you... 32 00:02:44,917 --> 00:02:46,711 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! 33 00:02:46,794 --> 00:02:47,920 Hey! 34 00:02:52,425 --> 00:02:54,344 Respect the fucking line. 35 00:02:55,386 --> 00:02:57,597 Just like fake Disneyland. 36 00:02:59,098 --> 00:03:01,100 And then, you'll meet Jenny Stark. 37 00:03:01,183 --> 00:03:04,186 She's basically me, but at Corrections Corporation and Management. 38 00:03:04,270 --> 00:03:06,689 One year, we switched nametags, 39 00:03:06,772 --> 00:03:08,274 and for the entire panel discussion 40 00:03:08,358 --> 00:03:11,986 I was Jenny from CCM and she was Linda from MCC. 41 00:03:12,069 --> 00:03:13,238 It was bananas. 42 00:03:13,321 --> 00:03:15,281 You go every year? 43 00:03:15,365 --> 00:03:17,283 It's worth it for the swag alone. 44 00:03:17,367 --> 00:03:19,285 One year, we got these little toy jail cells 45 00:03:19,369 --> 00:03:21,287 for you to put your candy in when you're on a diet. 46 00:03:21,371 --> 00:03:22,622 And then... Yeah. 47 00:03:22,705 --> 00:03:24,957 Another year we got these Nerf-style guard batons. 48 00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:27,835 And so, anytime anyone said something stupid at a staff meeting, 49 00:03:27,918 --> 00:03:29,420 we would just whale on them. 50 00:03:30,004 --> 00:03:32,047 Until the incident with Greg's eye, but... 51 00:03:34,342 --> 00:03:35,968 Ah... 52 00:03:36,051 --> 00:03:39,054 - Shit! It's my assistant. - Oh. 53 00:03:40,556 --> 00:03:41,974 What, Jefferson? 54 00:03:42,057 --> 00:03:44,394 Top of the morning to you, Mr. C... 55 00:03:44,477 --> 00:03:46,103 again. 56 00:03:46,186 --> 00:03:50,400 I forgot to ask if you wanted the files done by last name or prisoner number. 57 00:03:50,483 --> 00:03:52,443 Last name. Listen, Jefferson, 58 00:03:52,527 --> 00:03:55,112 I'm gonna be in this conference pretty much 24/7. 59 00:03:55,195 --> 00:03:56,489 It's very immersive. 60 00:03:56,572 --> 00:03:59,950 I'm not gonna be able to answer every little thing. 61 00:04:00,034 --> 00:04:03,120 Got it. I will hold down the fort while you're gone. 62 00:04:03,203 --> 00:04:05,873 No. Do not hold anything down. 63 00:04:05,956 --> 00:04:08,668 I am not giving you power over anything or anyone. 64 00:04:08,751 --> 00:04:11,170 All you are doing is files. 65 00:04:11,254 --> 00:04:13,088 You'll do those until I get back. 66 00:04:13,172 --> 00:04:15,883 And if by some miracle you finish before I get back, 67 00:04:15,966 --> 00:04:17,677 sit... quietly. 68 00:04:17,760 --> 00:04:19,887 Copy that. 69 00:04:19,970 --> 00:04:21,639 That's a thing people say, right? 70 00:04:21,722 --> 00:04:22,765 No. 71 00:04:25,476 --> 00:04:26,894 Assistants... 72 00:04:26,977 --> 00:04:29,855 they waste more time than they save. 73 00:04:29,939 --> 00:04:31,857 You'll get the hang of delegation. 74 00:04:31,941 --> 00:04:35,027 Just make sure that you fire them every three months or so. 75 00:04:35,736 --> 00:04:36,904 Even if they're good? 76 00:04:36,987 --> 00:04:39,990 Especially if they're good. I've been through 29. 77 00:04:40,074 --> 00:04:42,159 You don't want them getting too essential. 78 00:04:42,242 --> 00:04:44,454 I'm not sure that's the worry here. 79 00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:24,159 - How long has this been up? - Only a few hours, sir. 80 00:05:25,077 --> 00:05:26,746 A few hours? 81 00:05:26,829 --> 00:05:28,331 Yeah, no. We're... 82 00:05:28,414 --> 00:05:30,958 looking for the right shade of beige to cover it up. 83 00:05:31,041 --> 00:05:32,668 You know, gotta match the rest of the wall. 84 00:05:32,752 --> 00:05:33,836 We're not house flipping. 85 00:05:33,919 --> 00:05:35,630 The inmates see graffiti, 86 00:05:35,713 --> 00:05:39,049 they think it's okay to vandalize, litter, destroy property. 87 00:05:39,133 --> 00:05:41,469 Oh, yeah, the broken windows theory? 88 00:05:41,552 --> 00:05:43,679 Rudy Giuliani? I mean, wasn't that disproven? 89 00:05:43,763 --> 00:05:46,181 That man is a hero, 90 00:05:46,265 --> 00:05:48,768 and history will acknowledge that. 91 00:05:48,851 --> 00:05:50,185 Okay. 92 00:05:50,269 --> 00:05:53,313 We're upping you to a pair a day, because we know that you can handle it. 93 00:05:53,398 --> 00:05:54,815 You lost more girls, huh? 94 00:05:54,899 --> 00:05:56,316 Ah, trimming some of the fat is all. 95 00:05:56,401 --> 00:05:58,193 We can always find new panty cattle. 96 00:05:58,277 --> 00:06:00,571 Your real problem is the Spanish. They got momentum. 97 00:06:00,655 --> 00:06:02,532 - You got to deal... - Shh! 98 00:06:05,535 --> 00:06:07,620 ...now! This is exactly the sort of thing 99 00:06:07,703 --> 00:06:11,081 that escalates to drugs, and violence, and gangs. 100 00:06:12,291 --> 00:06:14,084 Hey! Hey! 101 00:06:15,628 --> 00:06:16,962 Case in point. 102 00:06:17,046 --> 00:06:18,589 Hey, hey! 103 00:06:18,673 --> 00:06:20,132 Knock it off! 104 00:06:20,215 --> 00:06:22,051 Oh! Bitch! 105 00:06:23,803 --> 00:06:26,263 Fuck these night shifts in the ass. 106 00:06:26,346 --> 00:06:28,641 - Aw, past your bedtime? - Didn't say that. 107 00:06:28,724 --> 00:06:31,143 After-party at my place again, people. 108 00:06:31,226 --> 00:06:32,603 - Chez Humps! - I'm there. 109 00:06:32,687 --> 00:06:35,648 - Me, three. - Jesus, guys, it's 9:00 a.m. 110 00:06:36,148 --> 00:06:38,067 Yo, hook up Donuts here with a Fallujah Omelet. 111 00:06:38,150 --> 00:06:39,318 Maybe that'll untwist his dick. 112 00:06:39,401 --> 00:06:41,779 What's a Fallujah Omelet? 113 00:06:41,862 --> 00:06:44,114 It's a Jäger shot and a raw egg. 114 00:06:44,198 --> 00:06:45,450 It's the breakfast of champions. 115 00:06:45,533 --> 00:06:47,117 Yeah, I'm gonna pass. 116 00:06:47,201 --> 00:06:48,453 Come on, man. It's pure protein. 117 00:06:48,536 --> 00:06:50,830 Yeah, I gotta stay and watch her. So... 118 00:06:50,913 --> 00:06:51,914 Oh, I see. 119 00:06:51,997 --> 00:06:54,041 You're gonna dip your donut in Ramos here. 120 00:06:56,877 --> 00:06:59,421 Some people like their breakfast sweet, not savory. 121 00:07:01,090 --> 00:07:03,509 You know what gets me so hot? 122 00:07:03,593 --> 00:07:05,595 Is when guys compare me to breakfast, 123 00:07:05,678 --> 00:07:07,972 and when they talk about me like I'm not even here. 124 00:07:10,099 --> 00:07:13,143 How about you call me "that oatmeal in the front seat" 125 00:07:13,227 --> 00:07:15,020 and I'll be so yours? 126 00:07:16,814 --> 00:07:18,774 Dude, she totally stepped on your balls. 127 00:07:18,858 --> 00:07:20,693 Shut up, Blake. 128 00:07:20,776 --> 00:07:21,861 Shut the fuck up. 129 00:07:38,043 --> 00:07:39,962 Pretty! 130 00:07:40,045 --> 00:07:42,089 Happy Friday, ladies. 131 00:07:42,590 --> 00:07:44,467 I'll be back to check on you soon, okay? 132 00:08:11,786 --> 00:08:13,871 Be careful. Karma's a bitch. 133 00:08:13,954 --> 00:08:16,123 Who's Karma? That new girl? 134 00:08:31,221 --> 00:08:32,973 One more round for the thirsty gentle... 135 00:08:33,057 --> 00:08:35,017 You okay? 136 00:08:35,100 --> 00:08:36,644 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 137 00:08:36,727 --> 00:08:38,478 My boss is gonna kill me! 138 00:08:38,563 --> 00:08:40,606 Hey, it's just potato juice, right? 139 00:08:40,690 --> 00:08:42,024 No, you don't understand. 140 00:08:42,692 --> 00:08:43,859 He'll take it out of my paycheck. 141 00:08:43,943 --> 00:08:46,862 And I have a little baby to support, and my mom... 142 00:08:46,946 --> 00:08:49,532 she can't work on account of oldness. 143 00:08:49,615 --> 00:08:51,534 - I'm sorry... - Come on, don't cry. 144 00:08:51,617 --> 00:08:52,618 Okay. 145 00:08:52,702 --> 00:08:54,453 Dudes, don't waste it. 146 00:08:54,537 --> 00:08:56,288 Get off the floor, man. 147 00:08:56,371 --> 00:08:58,123 Like, ten kinds of AIDS down there. 148 00:08:58,791 --> 00:09:01,836 Don't cry. We'll pitch in for it, right, guys? 149 00:09:06,131 --> 00:09:08,759 - Yeah, yeah. Sure, whatever. - Sure. 150 00:09:10,469 --> 00:09:12,012 Here. 151 00:09:23,148 --> 00:09:25,192 What, you pull that shit every night? 152 00:09:26,151 --> 00:09:29,488 It's 300 bucks. That's not bad for a janky-ass short con. 153 00:09:30,530 --> 00:09:31,824 I don't know what you're talking about. 154 00:09:31,907 --> 00:09:33,075 You know, your boss is a friend of mine. 155 00:09:33,158 --> 00:09:34,869 You want me to go stick his nose in that puddle back there? 156 00:09:34,952 --> 00:09:36,078 No, please, don't tell him. 157 00:09:36,161 --> 00:09:37,663 You're not bad for an amateur. 158 00:09:37,747 --> 00:09:39,749 I mean, of course, the face helps. 159 00:09:40,540 --> 00:09:42,042 Please, I have a little baby. 160 00:09:42,126 --> 00:09:43,460 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And if I let you see... 161 00:09:43,543 --> 00:09:45,630 We gotta get you off the pity angle. 162 00:09:45,713 --> 00:09:48,048 Go straight for the dick. 163 00:09:48,132 --> 00:09:49,341 It's the better play. 164 00:09:51,135 --> 00:09:55,097 So, come on, what do you pull in a good year? 165 00:09:55,180 --> 00:09:56,306 Fifty thousand. 166 00:09:56,390 --> 00:09:58,433 What if I said you could make that in an hour? 167 00:09:58,517 --> 00:10:01,395 Um, I'm not a prostitute. 168 00:10:01,478 --> 00:10:04,564 Not even if the guy is kinda hot in a mean-dad way. 169 00:10:08,903 --> 00:10:10,445 What did you say your name was? 170 00:10:11,822 --> 00:10:15,367 Yessica. It's like "Jessica," but ethnic. 171 00:10:20,539 --> 00:10:22,917 Normally, I'm not an ear girl, 172 00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:25,878 but when Vinnie told me 173 00:10:25,961 --> 00:10:28,547 that he was putting a tongue saber in there, 174 00:10:28,631 --> 00:10:31,258 and he said he was swishing it around, 175 00:10:31,341 --> 00:10:33,678 my chair was like a wading pool. 176 00:10:35,345 --> 00:10:36,931 I mean, don't get me wrong. 177 00:10:37,014 --> 00:10:39,725 The first time you have word-sex, it's nice. 178 00:10:39,809 --> 00:10:43,103 - Mmm-hmm. - But, it's just so much better 179 00:10:43,187 --> 00:10:45,815 when you really know somebody. 180 00:10:45,898 --> 00:10:47,733 So, you feel like you really know him. 181 00:10:47,817 --> 00:10:49,526 Sure, I do. 182 00:10:51,528 --> 00:10:54,198 My mom always said she knew my dad wanted sex 183 00:10:54,281 --> 00:10:57,117 when he didn't ask for seconds at dinner. 184 00:10:57,201 --> 00:11:00,705 And my dad said he knew my mom wanted sex 185 00:11:00,788 --> 00:11:03,207 when she got me and my sister Blockbuster videos. 186 00:11:06,335 --> 00:11:08,796 I always wanted to know someone that well. 187 00:11:10,672 --> 00:11:12,341 Yeah... 188 00:11:12,424 --> 00:11:13,843 me, too. 189 00:11:18,180 --> 00:11:21,558 So, your parents would talk to you about sex? 190 00:11:21,641 --> 00:11:22,810 Mine would never. 191 00:11:22,893 --> 00:11:24,561 Oh, yeah. 192 00:11:24,644 --> 00:11:27,647 The birds, and the trees, and the bees... 193 00:11:27,732 --> 00:11:29,483 and the knees. 194 00:11:30,275 --> 00:11:33,153 I'm not sure they told you that right. 195 00:11:35,489 --> 00:11:38,075 - Christ on a cracker! - What is it? 196 00:11:39,493 --> 00:11:42,788 The Shower Pooper strikes again. 197 00:11:42,872 --> 00:11:44,915 Ugh, this has happened before? 198 00:11:44,999 --> 00:11:46,583 Two or three times. 199 00:11:46,666 --> 00:11:48,919 How do you know it's the same person? 200 00:11:49,003 --> 00:11:52,464 Heft, density, hue. 201 00:11:52,547 --> 00:11:54,800 It's as personal as a signature, if you think about it. 202 00:11:54,884 --> 00:11:56,969 You know, that reminds me, 203 00:11:57,052 --> 00:12:00,305 there was this guy in my high school who knew how to sign his name in... 204 00:12:00,389 --> 00:12:02,557 No, no, no, no, no, please, Suzanne. 205 00:12:02,641 --> 00:12:04,601 It is too early for that. 206 00:12:04,684 --> 00:12:06,979 We need to catch this person before she strikes again. 207 00:12:07,062 --> 00:12:09,648 I do not even know where to start. 208 00:12:09,731 --> 00:12:16,446 Oh, one starts by following every angle, examining every clue. 209 00:12:16,530 --> 00:12:20,910 By seeing patterns of behavior where no one else can see. 210 00:12:20,993 --> 00:12:22,953 Until finally... 211 00:12:23,037 --> 00:12:24,997 you catch the pooper 212 00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:30,002 in a trap of her own making. 213 00:12:30,085 --> 00:12:31,545 You mean... 214 00:12:32,754 --> 00:12:34,339 like detectives? 215 00:12:38,302 --> 00:12:40,470 Now, the keynote address by Kip Carnigan 216 00:12:40,554 --> 00:12:42,722 will begin at 3:00 p.m. in the Laurel room. 217 00:12:42,807 --> 00:12:45,893 - No pre-registration... - All right, you two are all set. 218 00:12:45,976 --> 00:12:47,102 - Thank you. - Mmm. 219 00:12:47,186 --> 00:12:49,521 - Hey, thanks. - Have fun in there. 220 00:12:54,568 --> 00:12:55,903 Whoa. 221 00:12:55,986 --> 00:12:57,612 What are these supposed to be for? 222 00:12:57,696 --> 00:12:59,239 Promotional purposes. 223 00:13:13,753 --> 00:13:18,133 Our prize-winning system can detect and pinpoint 224 00:13:18,217 --> 00:13:21,220 any cell phone within a two-mile radius. 225 00:13:30,604 --> 00:13:31,939 Linda. 226 00:13:32,982 --> 00:13:35,067 Saw you're on a panel, you rock star. 227 00:13:35,150 --> 00:13:38,070 Oh, Russ. It's just a panel, not a breakout session. 228 00:13:38,153 --> 00:13:40,239 Still. It's huge. 229 00:13:40,322 --> 00:13:41,991 So what's the hot booth this year? 230 00:13:42,074 --> 00:13:43,868 Laser guns. 231 00:13:43,951 --> 00:13:45,785 But the wait is epic. 232 00:13:45,870 --> 00:13:47,913 Catch you two on the other side. 233 00:13:47,997 --> 00:13:50,790 We at R and R Ministries could not be more proud 234 00:13:50,875 --> 00:13:53,710 of our faith-based rehabilitation program, 235 00:13:53,793 --> 00:13:56,046 utilizing New Testament stories 236 00:13:56,130 --> 00:14:00,217 to help inmates establish a firm moral foundation. 237 00:14:00,300 --> 00:14:03,012 Oh, right. Because we should treat them like Sunday schoolers, 238 00:14:03,095 --> 00:14:04,679 not dangerous criminals. 239 00:14:04,763 --> 00:14:07,724 Our fences are made from a state-of-the-art titanium alloy, 240 00:14:07,807 --> 00:14:13,313 which is fireproof, plier-proof, tamperproof, foolproof. 241 00:14:13,397 --> 00:14:15,607 - We could really use some of this stuff. - Ooh. 242 00:14:15,690 --> 00:14:17,442 Not on MCC's budget. 243 00:14:19,486 --> 00:14:22,614 Think of this less as a shopping trip and more of a brainstorming sesh. 244 00:14:25,159 --> 00:14:26,535 I have enough of that in my life. 245 00:14:26,618 --> 00:14:29,371 It's just for fun, silly. I think it's ice cream. 246 00:14:29,454 --> 00:14:32,707 It's time to enter the 21st century, people. 247 00:14:32,791 --> 00:14:36,711 The old-fashioned maxi pad can be a budget-killer. 248 00:14:36,795 --> 00:14:41,383 These durable, reusable plastic menstruation capture cups 249 00:14:41,466 --> 00:14:45,220 are a one-time expenditure for your women's facility. 250 00:14:46,221 --> 00:14:47,347 And this is safe? 251 00:14:47,431 --> 00:14:48,598 Missed me. 252 00:14:48,682 --> 00:14:50,809 Oh, it is 100% non-deadly. 253 00:14:50,893 --> 00:14:53,103 Right now, the laser's on setting two, 254 00:14:53,187 --> 00:14:56,023 your basic sunburn-level discomfort. 255 00:14:56,106 --> 00:15:01,278 Dial that bad boy up to ten... we're talking third-degree burns. 256 00:15:01,361 --> 00:15:03,989 Andale, Andale! Speedy... Ow! 257 00:15:05,324 --> 00:15:07,076 Just a little sting. 258 00:15:07,159 --> 00:15:08,827 Nothing I can't... 259 00:15:12,831 --> 00:15:14,499 Nice shooting, Tex. 260 00:15:18,295 --> 00:15:19,838 Well, well. 261 00:15:19,922 --> 00:15:21,881 Wouldn't wanna run into you in the prison yard. 262 00:15:21,966 --> 00:15:24,134 Kip Carnigan. 263 00:15:24,218 --> 00:15:26,470 They couldn't find anybody else to give the keynote this year? 264 00:15:26,553 --> 00:15:27,637 Gandhi, maybe? 265 00:15:27,721 --> 00:15:30,390 Oh, I heard they approached him, but his corpse was booked solid. 266 00:15:30,474 --> 00:15:31,475 Who's your friend? 267 00:15:31,558 --> 00:15:33,893 This is Joe Caputo from Litchfield. 268 00:15:33,978 --> 00:15:35,812 He is the dark horse to be the next you. 269 00:15:37,606 --> 00:15:40,275 - Good luck with that. - Thank you, future me. 270 00:15:42,069 --> 00:15:43,862 You're a lucky man. 271 00:15:43,946 --> 00:15:45,405 Oh, we're not... 272 00:15:45,489 --> 00:15:47,950 Oh, my God, was that okay? 273 00:15:48,033 --> 00:15:50,077 Did I sound normal? Was that like... 274 00:15:50,160 --> 00:15:52,454 Sure. What's the big deal? 275 00:15:52,537 --> 00:15:54,873 That's Kip Carnigan, he used to be the warden over at Sitwell 276 00:15:54,957 --> 00:15:56,250 and now he is, like... 277 00:15:56,333 --> 00:15:58,502 the face of corrections in America. 278 00:15:59,544 --> 00:16:00,837 Oh, wow. 279 00:16:03,257 --> 00:16:05,467 Okay... warden. 280 00:16:15,769 --> 00:16:17,521 Jefferson. 281 00:16:17,604 --> 00:16:20,524 Who does the purchase orders for maxi pads and so forth? 282 00:16:21,275 --> 00:16:23,193 Hmm. Uh... 283 00:16:23,277 --> 00:16:26,863 you might want to talk to the VP of Purchasing for that. 284 00:16:26,946 --> 00:16:29,533 Linda... something. 285 00:16:29,616 --> 00:16:31,201 Are you supposed to be on that? 286 00:16:31,285 --> 00:16:34,788 Mr. Caputo wants me to make sure all his files are in order. 287 00:17:01,190 --> 00:17:03,900 Ooh! That's what I'm talking about! 288 00:17:07,154 --> 00:17:09,114 I'm the boss of this bitch! 289 00:17:17,581 --> 00:17:19,041 Psst. 290 00:17:19,124 --> 00:17:20,375 I swear, 291 00:17:20,459 --> 00:17:23,837 you get busted with that thing and none of us ever met you. 292 00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:25,047 It's self-defense. 293 00:17:25,130 --> 00:17:27,006 That poi snorter stole our inventory. 294 00:17:27,091 --> 00:17:28,883 Inventory's not the problem. 295 00:17:30,135 --> 00:17:33,012 We got two weeks of ripe fruit ready to sell. 296 00:17:33,097 --> 00:17:37,309 And my stupid cousin Alonso is gonna do the selling. 297 00:17:37,392 --> 00:17:40,104 Our problem is getting everything out. 298 00:17:40,187 --> 00:17:42,231 I don't know how fucking Chapman does it. 299 00:17:43,273 --> 00:17:45,234 Probably, she uses her sexuality? 300 00:17:46,443 --> 00:17:48,903 Why can't we use our sexuality? 301 00:17:48,987 --> 00:17:49,988 'Cause we better than that. 302 00:17:50,072 --> 00:17:52,241 Can't we just throw 'em over the fence? It ain't that high. 303 00:17:52,324 --> 00:17:54,743 They got guards up there with guns and shit. 304 00:17:55,452 --> 00:17:58,122 Plus, people saying they watching us with drones now. 305 00:17:58,205 --> 00:18:01,166 What if we build our own drone that works for us? 306 00:18:01,250 --> 00:18:03,668 Um... anybody else? 307 00:18:04,544 --> 00:18:07,547 Or we could dig a tunnel, like we're El Chapo or in the movies. 308 00:18:07,631 --> 00:18:09,133 Guys, I got an idea. 309 00:18:09,216 --> 00:18:11,885 Or we could knock out a guard and take his uniform, like in the movies. 310 00:18:11,968 --> 00:18:15,514 Okay, anybody got any non-movie, non-El Chapo ideas? 311 00:18:15,597 --> 00:18:19,268 Maritza's got an idea, or she's drying out her armpits. 312 00:18:19,351 --> 00:18:22,146 Seriously, guys? I have a van. 313 00:18:28,818 --> 00:18:31,946 See, the hot girls stand out front to draw people in. 314 00:18:32,030 --> 00:18:33,615 She's not that hot. 315 00:18:33,698 --> 00:18:35,325 You should put your hair up like hers, Jessica. 316 00:18:35,409 --> 00:18:36,660 You have to blend in. 317 00:18:36,743 --> 00:18:40,205 Did you know a ponytail is like a natural facelift? 318 00:18:41,456 --> 00:18:43,375 So, what's the first thing you do? 319 00:18:44,126 --> 00:18:45,794 - I find my mark. - Good. 320 00:18:46,295 --> 00:18:47,712 Will his name be Mark? 321 00:18:50,299 --> 00:18:51,383 Kidding! 322 00:18:54,553 --> 00:18:56,430 Pick a rich guy, obviously. 323 00:18:57,139 --> 00:18:58,557 Old and rich, if possible. 324 00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:00,850 You're looking for a guy who's too ugly to have you as a girlfriend, 325 00:19:00,934 --> 00:19:01,976 if he didn't have any money. 326 00:19:02,060 --> 00:19:03,978 Aw, that's so sweet. 327 00:19:04,771 --> 00:19:06,606 Wait. Catch this. 328 00:19:07,524 --> 00:19:10,777 "Hmm. Hey, baby. Do you come with the car?" 329 00:19:10,860 --> 00:19:13,530 "Tee-hee. I've totally never heard that joke before." 330 00:19:14,739 --> 00:19:17,992 Whoa, she's giving him the head toss. 331 00:19:18,076 --> 00:19:20,329 That's like two clicks away from a blowie. 332 00:19:22,789 --> 00:19:25,250 "Ooh, your wallet looks so heavy." 333 00:19:25,334 --> 00:19:27,461 All right. So, now you have your mark, what do you do next? 334 00:19:27,544 --> 00:19:30,129 Take his ID to the desk and get the keys. 335 00:19:30,214 --> 00:19:32,757 Only now, instead of Judy Salesgirl, you're Mrs. Mark, 336 00:19:32,841 --> 00:19:35,385 and you want to take a test drive with your husband. 337 00:19:35,469 --> 00:19:38,972 You leave his ID, you take the keys and you walk the mark to the car. 338 00:19:39,598 --> 00:19:42,684 If I forget to tell you guys later, I'm having a really good time. 339 00:19:42,767 --> 00:19:44,894 All right. Now, you take your mark on his test drive, 340 00:19:44,978 --> 00:19:47,189 drop him off in front of the dealership after, 341 00:19:47,272 --> 00:19:50,024 and bam, you drive off into the sunset. Any questions? 342 00:19:50,108 --> 00:19:53,903 What if the mark's name happens to be Mark? 343 00:19:56,531 --> 00:19:58,533 Oh, my God! Kidding! 344 00:20:04,831 --> 00:20:07,209 Man, this shit better be on fleek for ten bucks a box. 345 00:20:09,878 --> 00:20:11,588 Hey, you mind loaning me one of those? 346 00:20:13,215 --> 00:20:15,509 You gonna give it back after? 347 00:20:15,592 --> 00:20:18,387 Some of us can't afford to feel the mountain mist. 348 00:20:18,470 --> 00:20:23,517 Well, you know, some of us is chosen and some of us ain't. 349 00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:27,937 Like, first, we was chosen by little white dude with the sneakers 350 00:20:28,021 --> 00:20:29,689 to sew panties for Whispers. 351 00:20:29,773 --> 00:20:32,901 Then, we was chosen by HaShem hisself 352 00:20:32,984 --> 00:20:36,405 to eat tasty broccoli and keep his covenant. 353 00:20:37,489 --> 00:20:39,115 Hmm? Hmm, hmm? 354 00:20:39,198 --> 00:20:43,036 I know there's something in that covenant about generosity. 355 00:20:45,079 --> 00:20:47,666 Oh, wait, wait, um, it's coming to me now. 356 00:20:47,749 --> 00:20:50,752 "If there are poor among you, 357 00:20:50,835 --> 00:20:55,549 do not be selfish or greedy towards them." 358 00:20:55,632 --> 00:20:57,717 Uh, I think that's a Christian thing. 359 00:20:59,093 --> 00:21:00,512 It's the same damn book. 360 00:21:01,846 --> 00:21:04,182 We just got different prophets is all. 361 00:21:04,683 --> 00:21:08,019 Or I guess you're still waiting for yours to show up. 362 00:21:08,978 --> 00:21:11,815 Well, you ain't acting like somebody who wants something from me. 363 00:21:11,898 --> 00:21:14,025 - Purchasing. - What department? 364 00:21:14,108 --> 00:21:15,860 Purchasing! 365 00:21:15,944 --> 00:21:18,613 - What department? - Human being. 366 00:21:18,697 --> 00:21:20,699 Let me speak to a human. 367 00:21:20,782 --> 00:21:22,534 I'm a human. 368 00:21:22,617 --> 00:21:23,785 If you'd like to connect to... 369 00:21:23,868 --> 00:21:25,119 Come in. 370 00:21:27,205 --> 00:21:28,206 You got voicemail trouble? 371 00:21:28,290 --> 00:21:31,335 Uh, typical corporate Charlie Foxtrot. 372 00:21:31,418 --> 00:21:33,252 This is why I don't wear a suit. 373 00:21:33,337 --> 00:21:35,547 This... and my quads are too big. 374 00:21:36,631 --> 00:21:38,717 Uh, don't... wait. Hey. Don't close that. 375 00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:40,093 Sorry. 376 00:21:42,804 --> 00:21:45,432 I'm Piper Chapman. I don't mean to alarm you. 377 00:21:45,515 --> 00:21:47,934 I never come to the administration like this. 378 00:21:48,017 --> 00:21:51,145 But I've been in Litchfield for a while now... 379 00:21:53,022 --> 00:21:55,525 and I have started to feel unsafe lately. 380 00:21:55,609 --> 00:21:57,110 Scared even. 381 00:21:57,193 --> 00:21:59,488 The prison is changing somehow. 382 00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:03,867 - Graffiti on the walls... - I'm aware. 383 00:22:04,993 --> 00:22:07,829 And I just wanted to make sure you knew about... 384 00:22:10,081 --> 00:22:13,251 let's say, a cluster of girls that I've noticed. 385 00:22:13,335 --> 00:22:14,961 Do they gather in groups of four or more? 386 00:22:15,044 --> 00:22:18,715 Oh, yeah. They gather. They are pretty much always gathering. 387 00:22:18,798 --> 00:22:23,219 Have you seen them flashing hand signals or wearing the same colors? 388 00:22:23,302 --> 00:22:26,640 I think I've seen a bunch of them wearing red slipper socks. 389 00:22:28,392 --> 00:22:30,477 And I'm not exactly sure that this is relevant, 390 00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:32,479 but just so you have all the information, 391 00:22:32,562 --> 00:22:34,230 these girls... 392 00:22:35,899 --> 00:22:37,651 share a certain heritage, 393 00:22:37,734 --> 00:22:40,153 a certain noble heritage, 394 00:22:40,236 --> 00:22:43,031 dating all the way back to ancient Mayan civilization. 395 00:22:43,114 --> 00:22:45,617 The Latinas. Got it. 396 00:22:45,700 --> 00:22:47,368 Well, I wasn't gonna say anything. 397 00:22:47,452 --> 00:22:48,870 Chapman... 398 00:22:50,038 --> 00:22:54,626 what you're describing is a prison gang in its infancy. 399 00:22:54,709 --> 00:22:56,210 That sounds serious. 400 00:22:57,504 --> 00:22:58,755 Well... 401 00:22:59,756 --> 00:23:02,383 not if we can prevent them from growing 402 00:23:02,467 --> 00:23:04,135 and getting organized. 403 00:23:04,218 --> 00:23:06,805 Thank you so much, Mr. Piscatella. 404 00:23:08,264 --> 00:23:09,766 I feel safer already. 405 00:23:13,770 --> 00:23:16,230 You know what? I really love your beard. 406 00:23:16,314 --> 00:23:18,567 I've had a beard since tenth grade. 407 00:23:18,650 --> 00:23:20,902 Two beards, actually. 408 00:23:20,985 --> 00:23:24,238 The one on my face, and the one I took to junior prom. 409 00:23:25,699 --> 00:23:27,408 Yeah. 410 00:23:27,492 --> 00:23:28,910 I like dudes. 411 00:23:30,704 --> 00:23:33,247 I will never find you adorable. 412 00:23:34,541 --> 00:23:36,375 Keep that in mind. 413 00:23:44,759 --> 00:23:46,553 When I first started out... 414 00:23:47,721 --> 00:23:50,348 I thought the best way to help an inmate 415 00:23:50,431 --> 00:23:53,434 was to get involved in his day-to-day problems. 416 00:23:54,310 --> 00:23:58,439 The poor guy who was transferred ten states away from his family. 417 00:23:58,523 --> 00:24:01,860 The fella who's on a downward spiral in Seg. 418 00:24:01,943 --> 00:24:05,655 But what I learned is that to actually help them, 419 00:24:05,739 --> 00:24:09,868 you have to make their lives feel full. 420 00:24:09,951 --> 00:24:11,828 One time I did the math. 421 00:24:11,911 --> 00:24:16,374 I figured that, all together, the inmates on my watch 422 00:24:16,457 --> 00:24:21,963 had over 17,000 years of time on their sentences. 423 00:24:23,172 --> 00:24:25,174 Seventeen thousand years. 424 00:24:27,969 --> 00:24:30,764 That's longer than human recorded history. 425 00:24:32,431 --> 00:24:37,020 That is a hell of a lot of time to get something accomplished, 426 00:24:37,103 --> 00:24:39,898 to redeem lives. 427 00:24:39,981 --> 00:24:42,025 I just got the goosies. 428 00:24:42,108 --> 00:24:45,194 If only we can stop fixating on the days, 429 00:24:45,278 --> 00:24:48,156 and start thinking about the years. 430 00:25:25,026 --> 00:25:27,111 Oh, hell, no. 431 00:25:33,785 --> 00:25:36,162 Aw, so cute. 432 00:25:40,834 --> 00:25:43,628 Maybe it's a real old person and they can't help it. 433 00:25:43,712 --> 00:25:46,005 Nah, it's not an accident. 434 00:25:46,089 --> 00:25:48,925 Plus, you gotta be able to squat to poop in a shower, 435 00:25:49,008 --> 00:25:52,053 and old people are bad at squatting. 436 00:25:52,136 --> 00:25:55,932 Maybe they're very busy, and they're multitasking. 437 00:25:56,015 --> 00:25:59,102 My sister used to brush her teeth in the shower. 438 00:26:05,024 --> 00:26:06,192 Takin' all the hot water! 439 00:26:13,617 --> 00:26:14,701 Squatter. 440 00:26:14,784 --> 00:26:17,120 A-ha! 441 00:26:17,203 --> 00:26:18,329 Fuck off. 442 00:26:18,412 --> 00:26:20,414 - Sorry. - Nice work. 443 00:26:22,667 --> 00:26:23,752 So, here's the thing. 444 00:26:23,835 --> 00:26:26,671 I don't think the pooper's gonna poop at peak time. 445 00:26:26,755 --> 00:26:29,423 Oh, unless they're an exhibitionist pooper. 446 00:26:29,507 --> 00:26:31,926 - A poopscabitionist. - Hmm. 447 00:26:32,010 --> 00:26:33,219 Let me ask you this. 448 00:26:33,302 --> 00:26:36,640 How do they start in those detective novels? 449 00:26:36,723 --> 00:26:40,601 They gather up the usual suspects, people with criminal records. 450 00:26:40,685 --> 00:26:42,145 - Oh, criminal records, you say? - Fuck off! 451 00:26:42,228 --> 00:26:45,273 Suzanne, hey. That's everyone. 452 00:26:45,356 --> 00:26:46,775 True. 453 00:26:46,858 --> 00:26:48,484 True, true, true. 454 00:26:48,567 --> 00:26:52,906 Well, they also try to get inside of the mind of the criminal. 455 00:26:55,408 --> 00:26:57,869 Hello... Suzanne. 456 00:27:00,789 --> 00:27:02,206 Ugh... 457 00:27:04,083 --> 00:27:05,376 That's my ex. 458 00:27:05,459 --> 00:27:06,961 Oh, my goodness. She is pretty. 459 00:27:07,796 --> 00:27:10,298 She could use a little more makeup, of course. 460 00:27:10,381 --> 00:27:13,342 They make it waterproof now, so you never have to take it off. 461 00:27:13,426 --> 00:27:15,344 Yeah, I mean, it was good for a while, 462 00:27:15,428 --> 00:27:18,014 but then she started getting too clingy. 463 00:27:18,097 --> 00:27:22,060 You know, started leaving little gifts on my pillow, like daisy chains. 464 00:27:22,143 --> 00:27:27,899 You don't think that she might be leaving any other kinds of "gifts"? 465 00:27:27,982 --> 00:27:29,693 No. 466 00:27:32,111 --> 00:27:34,280 No. 467 00:27:37,075 --> 00:27:39,660 Suspect number one. 468 00:27:39,744 --> 00:27:41,788 The game is afoot. 469 00:27:41,871 --> 00:27:43,915 Attention, inmates. The updated facility rules 470 00:27:43,998 --> 00:27:46,751 and inmate discipline list is posted in the day room. 471 00:27:51,005 --> 00:27:52,215 All right, get out of here. 472 00:27:54,425 --> 00:27:56,803 All right, ladies. Up against the wall. 473 00:27:56,886 --> 00:27:57,971 This is straight-up profiling. 474 00:27:58,054 --> 00:28:00,389 Oh, no, no. These are just random searches. 475 00:28:01,557 --> 00:28:02,767 - Get it out. - And what about her? 476 00:28:02,851 --> 00:28:03,893 Hands against the wall. 477 00:28:03,977 --> 00:28:05,186 - I didn't do nothing. - Shut up. 478 00:28:08,356 --> 00:28:09,733 Oh, bingo. 479 00:28:11,860 --> 00:28:13,527 How many shots is that, Humps? 480 00:28:14,570 --> 00:28:16,364 As many as you want. 481 00:28:21,828 --> 00:28:24,080 It's just one shot for you. 482 00:28:24,163 --> 00:28:25,874 Next time bring enough for everybody. 483 00:28:25,957 --> 00:28:28,542 Hey, Humphrey, how do you know when an inmate's lying? 484 00:28:28,626 --> 00:28:30,544 - How? - She opens her mouth. 485 00:28:31,545 --> 00:28:33,131 That's funny. 486 00:28:33,214 --> 00:28:34,298 Well, hey there, Hot Pants. 487 00:28:34,382 --> 00:28:36,175 - You talking to me? - Well, that's your name, isn't it? 488 00:28:36,259 --> 00:28:38,386 - Actually, it's Mendoza. - Oh, that wasn't a question. 489 00:28:39,721 --> 00:28:42,056 Better get a cavity search on that one. 490 00:28:42,140 --> 00:28:44,058 She's gotta be hiding something in an ass that big. 491 00:28:44,142 --> 00:28:45,268 Oh, yeah? 492 00:28:46,936 --> 00:28:48,855 It helps to give 'em a compliment, now and then. 493 00:28:48,938 --> 00:28:49,939 Boosts morale. 494 00:28:50,023 --> 00:28:52,108 Don't think I'm not taking this to your superior. 495 00:28:52,191 --> 00:28:54,485 Oh, Officer Dixon answers to Officer Dixon. 496 00:28:54,568 --> 00:28:56,362 Don't we answer to Piscatella? 497 00:28:56,445 --> 00:28:59,032 Jesus, McCullough. You are such a boner killer. 498 00:29:00,074 --> 00:29:02,243 Make sure you go deep. 499 00:29:08,833 --> 00:29:12,796 "Media Relations: Turning Scandals into Scandal-ade." 500 00:29:12,879 --> 00:29:14,630 That sounds useful. Put a star by it. 501 00:29:14,713 --> 00:29:15,840 Yeah. 502 00:29:15,924 --> 00:29:18,051 Uh... "Prison Health Care Rights and Wrongs: 503 00:29:18,134 --> 00:29:20,845 Taking Max to the Max." 504 00:29:20,929 --> 00:29:22,180 Mmm... nah. 505 00:29:23,222 --> 00:29:26,559 "Immigration Violations: The Next Gold Mine." 506 00:29:28,227 --> 00:29:29,478 What was the last gold mine? 507 00:29:30,980 --> 00:29:33,274 I don't know, the war on drugs, I guess? 508 00:29:39,823 --> 00:29:44,035 That thing he said, about making their lives full. 509 00:29:44,118 --> 00:29:45,369 Feel full. 510 00:29:46,287 --> 00:29:47,789 You think we can do that at Litchfield? 511 00:29:48,539 --> 00:29:49,958 We can do whatever we want. 512 00:29:51,876 --> 00:29:53,544 Well, I want that. 513 00:29:54,628 --> 00:29:56,547 I wanna give that to them. 514 00:29:57,173 --> 00:29:59,008 As long as it fits in the budget. 515 00:30:03,930 --> 00:30:05,556 I'm a little nervous. 516 00:30:06,765 --> 00:30:09,018 - About the panel? - Mmm-hmm. 517 00:30:09,102 --> 00:30:10,269 You're gonna be great. 518 00:30:10,353 --> 00:30:12,563 I mean, I know purchasing isn't a sexy topic 519 00:30:12,646 --> 00:30:14,607 like drugs or capital punishment, but... 520 00:30:14,690 --> 00:30:15,691 Don't say that. 521 00:30:15,774 --> 00:30:20,196 I just am gonna be up there representing MCC and I... 522 00:30:20,279 --> 00:30:22,281 I really wanna knock it out of the park. 523 00:30:22,365 --> 00:30:23,908 Linda... 524 00:30:23,992 --> 00:30:26,953 you don't even know what you are. 525 00:30:27,912 --> 00:30:31,290 You are the Mickey Mantle of MCC. 526 00:30:31,374 --> 00:30:35,336 You are the Cy Young of Correctional Purchasing. 527 00:30:35,419 --> 00:30:36,921 Are those sports people? 528 00:30:37,671 --> 00:30:39,090 Does the pope shit in the woods? 529 00:30:40,716 --> 00:30:42,844 Oh, Joe. You're so funny. 530 00:30:46,472 --> 00:30:50,226 Oh, look, "Shanks for the Memories: A History of Prison Weapons." 531 00:30:56,565 --> 00:30:57,942 Bye-bye, sleep mask. 532 00:30:58,860 --> 00:31:00,486 Time to meet my snizz. 533 00:31:00,569 --> 00:31:02,613 Think it'll stay in? 534 00:31:02,696 --> 00:31:05,491 Just don't lose it up there, that could get serious. 535 00:31:08,786 --> 00:31:10,872 Well, la-di-da. 536 00:31:11,915 --> 00:31:14,000 Little Miss One Percent herself. 537 00:31:14,083 --> 00:31:15,877 Hey, what are you charging for one of those? 538 00:31:18,379 --> 00:31:20,006 Five dollars. 539 00:31:20,882 --> 00:31:23,051 Guadalupe was charging a buck yesterday! 540 00:31:23,134 --> 00:31:26,137 Inflation, like we back in the Bush era. 541 00:31:26,220 --> 00:31:28,639 Bitch, you never left the Bush era, 542 00:31:28,722 --> 00:31:31,225 judging by all that creeping from your panties. 543 00:31:31,309 --> 00:31:33,019 I'll give you three bucks. 544 00:31:34,353 --> 00:31:35,354 You got it right now? 545 00:31:35,438 --> 00:31:37,231 No, but I can get it to you by the end of the week. 546 00:31:37,315 --> 00:31:39,650 Don't do it. She'll charge you interest. 547 00:31:39,733 --> 00:31:41,069 That's what her people do. 548 00:31:42,695 --> 00:31:47,283 I know you did not just call me a money lender. 549 00:31:47,366 --> 00:31:48,993 'Cause that right there would be hate speech. 550 00:31:49,077 --> 00:31:51,870 What if we got something to trade? 551 00:31:51,955 --> 00:31:53,706 Something you might really want. 552 00:31:53,789 --> 00:31:55,917 No trades. 553 00:31:57,043 --> 00:32:03,799 The only language this Jew here speak is cold hard cash. 554 00:32:04,675 --> 00:32:07,511 You see, it's okay when I say it. 555 00:32:46,968 --> 00:32:48,136 Is anything the matter? 556 00:32:48,844 --> 00:32:50,471 Gold star for you, Chapman. 557 00:32:51,389 --> 00:32:52,681 Your intel was good. 558 00:32:52,765 --> 00:32:53,975 Really? 559 00:32:56,269 --> 00:32:58,437 - What did you find out? - None of your concern. 560 00:32:59,938 --> 00:33:01,232 Let me just say, 561 00:33:01,315 --> 00:33:04,777 if you felt like assembling a group of like-minded individuals, 562 00:33:04,860 --> 00:33:06,820 reliable inmates like yourself, 563 00:33:06,904 --> 00:33:09,532 with an interest in keeping this prison gang-free... 564 00:33:10,366 --> 00:33:12,493 I assembled a task force once at Smith. 565 00:33:13,827 --> 00:33:15,746 There was somebody putting bubble baths in all the fountains, 566 00:33:15,829 --> 00:33:17,123 and we totally caught her. 567 00:33:17,206 --> 00:33:18,291 Bubble bath. 568 00:33:19,250 --> 00:33:20,876 Is that related to bath salts? 569 00:33:20,959 --> 00:33:22,753 No, it's just bubbles. 570 00:33:22,836 --> 00:33:24,297 For baths? 571 00:33:24,963 --> 00:33:28,259 It was right before parents weekend, so the administration was really upset. 572 00:33:30,011 --> 00:33:31,637 But gangs. 573 00:33:31,720 --> 00:33:33,222 Gangs, Mr. Piscatella... 574 00:33:34,307 --> 00:33:36,017 gangs are the issue here. 575 00:33:36,100 --> 00:33:38,936 And I will assemble a task force to stop them. 576 00:33:40,688 --> 00:33:41,689 Sir. 577 00:33:41,772 --> 00:33:44,358 You really shouldn't do that unless you're in the armed forces. 578 00:33:44,442 --> 00:33:45,776 How do you know I'm not? 579 00:33:47,820 --> 00:33:49,238 It won't happen again. 580 00:33:53,617 --> 00:33:56,204 Mr. Piscatella, you got a minute? 581 00:33:56,954 --> 00:33:58,914 - What is it, inmate? - Gloria Mendoza. 582 00:33:58,997 --> 00:34:00,416 I just thought that you should know 583 00:34:00,499 --> 00:34:02,918 that some of your new guards are stopping girls for no reason 584 00:34:03,001 --> 00:34:05,546 - and being extra invasive. - Yeah? 585 00:34:05,629 --> 00:34:07,256 And everyone they're stopping looks like... 586 00:34:07,340 --> 00:34:08,924 Like you? 587 00:34:09,425 --> 00:34:11,302 Look, I didn't go to law school or nothing, 588 00:34:11,385 --> 00:34:14,597 but I know that they gotta be stepping on a few civil liberties here. 589 00:34:14,680 --> 00:34:17,015 You committed a crime, inmate. 590 00:34:17,975 --> 00:34:21,354 So, if you wanna see who "stepped on your civil liberties," 591 00:34:21,437 --> 00:34:23,481 check under your own boot. 592 00:34:30,571 --> 00:34:33,116 Flaca and Maritza together again. 593 00:34:33,199 --> 00:34:36,702 It's like we're back in the kitchen, but crime-ier. 594 00:34:36,785 --> 00:34:38,996 Does it show? 595 00:34:39,080 --> 00:34:41,707 Mmm-mmm, it looks like you had a big plate of pasta. 596 00:34:41,790 --> 00:34:43,542 Oh, my God, I'm a fatty! 597 00:34:43,626 --> 00:34:45,043 But it's for a good cause. 598 00:34:46,087 --> 00:34:47,755 Are you nervous? 599 00:34:47,838 --> 00:34:48,922 It's only boys. 600 00:34:49,006 --> 00:34:51,300 Once you get the blood rushing to their dicks, 601 00:34:51,384 --> 00:34:52,760 they're like your servants. 602 00:34:52,843 --> 00:34:54,970 All I gotta do is convince the one guy 603 00:34:55,053 --> 00:34:57,973 who always watches me to go inside and party with the others. 604 00:34:58,056 --> 00:35:00,768 Then there's ten minutes before I drive the day shift up. 605 00:35:00,851 --> 00:35:04,272 Ten minutes for Alonso to grab that shit from the wheel well. 606 00:35:05,398 --> 00:35:06,565 Shit. 607 00:35:10,111 --> 00:35:11,529 - Go now. - What? 608 00:35:11,612 --> 00:35:13,364 Do it! Do it now, trust me. 609 00:35:18,161 --> 00:35:19,578 What, I don't get any love? 610 00:35:21,205 --> 00:35:22,290 Well, that's a new one. 611 00:35:22,373 --> 00:35:25,376 We don't get touched a lot in here, except by the lezzies. 612 00:35:25,459 --> 00:35:27,711 Sometimes, you need a little human contact. 613 00:35:27,795 --> 00:35:29,338 Especially by an expert. 614 00:35:39,973 --> 00:35:41,016 Ooh! 615 00:35:52,820 --> 00:35:54,197 You're all set. 616 00:35:54,280 --> 00:35:56,282 Hope it was as good for you as it was for me. 617 00:35:56,365 --> 00:35:58,242 Don't forget about my friend over there. 618 00:35:58,326 --> 00:36:00,786 She really misses her boyfriend. 619 00:36:00,869 --> 00:36:02,705 Last frisk of the day. 620 00:36:53,922 --> 00:36:55,132 Can I help you, miss? 621 00:36:55,216 --> 00:36:57,635 I'm just looking for now, thanks. 622 00:36:58,261 --> 00:37:00,012 So comfy. 623 00:37:00,095 --> 00:37:02,931 - I'm Lucas, if you need anything. - Thanks. 624 00:37:12,566 --> 00:37:14,277 Ever drive one of these bad boys? 625 00:37:14,360 --> 00:37:15,861 Uh... 626 00:37:15,944 --> 00:37:18,947 I wasted half my life driving a Saab. 627 00:37:19,031 --> 00:37:21,116 My wife always said they were safe in an accident. 628 00:37:21,617 --> 00:37:25,329 But they still couldn't pull any bodies from the car wreck of our marriage. 629 00:37:28,624 --> 00:37:29,625 You are bad. 630 00:37:31,377 --> 00:37:32,378 Well... 631 00:37:33,045 --> 00:37:35,213 you see anything here you like? 632 00:37:35,298 --> 00:37:37,550 Uh... definitely. 633 00:37:37,633 --> 00:37:39,385 Uh, what would you recommend? 634 00:37:39,468 --> 00:37:42,137 Well, the Gran Turismo is awesome, 635 00:37:42,220 --> 00:37:46,183 but the Gran Cabrio always gives me a special little tingle. 636 00:37:46,267 --> 00:37:48,226 The Gran Cabrio it is. 637 00:37:48,977 --> 00:37:52,440 We're just gonna need some ID and I'll go hook you up with the keys. 638 00:38:03,326 --> 00:38:05,286 How can we help you today, Mrs... 639 00:38:05,369 --> 00:38:06,370 Spencer. 640 00:38:07,413 --> 00:38:10,708 My hubby and I would like to take the Gran Cabrio out for a spin. 641 00:38:12,167 --> 00:38:13,544 He's the one over there. 642 00:38:13,627 --> 00:38:15,087 Ain't he cute? 643 00:38:16,088 --> 00:38:17,172 Very distinguished. 644 00:38:17,255 --> 00:38:18,716 His name is Edward. 645 00:38:20,133 --> 00:38:22,803 All right, Mrs. Spencer. 646 00:38:22,886 --> 00:38:25,848 You are all set. 647 00:38:25,931 --> 00:38:28,141 You can take the one down in front in Etruscan onyx. 648 00:38:29,226 --> 00:38:31,144 Uh, Etruscan... 649 00:38:31,228 --> 00:38:33,063 Between the classic obsidian and the midnight noir. 650 00:38:33,146 --> 00:38:35,316 Oh, the Etruscan onyx! 651 00:38:39,737 --> 00:38:42,155 Wait till you feel this transaxle layout. 652 00:38:42,239 --> 00:38:44,199 A pretty lady who knows cars. 653 00:38:44,282 --> 00:38:45,909 This is like a junior high wet dream. 654 00:38:45,993 --> 00:38:48,537 It's important to chase your dreams. After you. 655 00:39:00,758 --> 00:39:02,760 Hey, sorry I got held up. 656 00:39:02,843 --> 00:39:05,178 Can't wait to tell you more about this beauty. 657 00:39:21,945 --> 00:39:24,615 It's a pretty good squat you got there, Jefferson. 658 00:39:24,698 --> 00:39:26,617 Strong knees. 659 00:39:26,700 --> 00:39:27,826 Thanks. 660 00:39:27,910 --> 00:39:29,995 Do you find yourself squatting 661 00:39:30,078 --> 00:39:33,290 in unusual places throughout the course of your day? 662 00:39:33,374 --> 00:39:36,377 Places that people wouldn't normally squat? 663 00:39:36,460 --> 00:39:38,837 What the fuck are you talking about? 664 00:39:38,921 --> 00:39:40,464 I have no idea. 665 00:40:12,329 --> 00:40:14,998 I mean, we have all met those CFOs 666 00:40:15,082 --> 00:40:18,877 who think that Purchasing is only about cost reduction. 667 00:40:18,961 --> 00:40:22,297 But it's like, hello, haven't they ever heard of strategic sourcing, 668 00:40:22,380 --> 00:40:25,175 discount procurement, or commodity cultivation? 669 00:40:25,258 --> 00:40:26,259 That's fascinating. 670 00:40:26,343 --> 00:40:29,972 I'm sorry to take us into choppy waters, but... 671 00:40:30,055 --> 00:40:32,224 how do you respond to the critics who say 672 00:40:32,307 --> 00:40:36,437 the bottom line is affecting the prisoners' quality of life? 673 00:40:36,520 --> 00:40:38,021 Well, that is a good question. 674 00:40:39,272 --> 00:40:42,317 And at the end of the day, it is a prison, not the Four Seasons. 675 00:40:44,111 --> 00:40:45,904 Um... but all joking aside, 676 00:40:45,988 --> 00:40:49,199 we at MCC have found that the prisoners' quality of life 677 00:40:49,282 --> 00:40:52,119 has actually improved with the advent of cost... 678 00:40:52,202 --> 00:40:54,580 Why don't you tell 'em how you doubled the beds, Linda? 679 00:40:54,663 --> 00:40:56,999 Uh... 680 00:40:57,082 --> 00:40:58,166 As I was saying... 681 00:40:58,250 --> 00:41:00,919 Or tell 'em about how the food makes everyone puke? 682 00:41:02,755 --> 00:41:05,132 Or that Sophia Burset is in the SHU for no reason? 683 00:41:05,215 --> 00:41:06,592 Hey! That's enough. 684 00:41:06,675 --> 00:41:08,218 Well, if the gentleman has finished, 685 00:41:08,301 --> 00:41:10,471 - there will be a Q and A... - Yeah. I'm finished all right. 686 00:41:10,554 --> 00:41:13,265 I'm finished with a company that refuses to acknowledge 687 00:41:13,348 --> 00:41:16,519 what happens when we monetize human beings. 688 00:41:16,602 --> 00:41:18,854 - Do you wanna sit down? - Do you even see yourselves? 689 00:41:18,937 --> 00:41:22,733 The magic lasers, and... and prison ice cream. 690 00:41:22,816 --> 00:41:28,030 This whole thing is a disgusting display of how industry dollars are spent. 691 00:41:28,113 --> 00:41:29,823 And I was like you a few months ago. 692 00:41:29,907 --> 00:41:32,826 I used to come to this conference every year, 693 00:41:32,910 --> 00:41:35,704 and I never thought about the inmates. 694 00:41:35,788 --> 00:41:40,042 But, you know, maybe you're too afraid to admit it, 695 00:41:40,125 --> 00:41:42,878 but if you just go to my web page, Dannytalkstruth.com... 696 00:41:42,961 --> 00:41:43,962 Why don't you come with me? 697 00:41:44,046 --> 00:41:45,463 Well, I bought a ticket like everybody else. 698 00:41:45,548 --> 00:41:47,800 Hey, why don't you let him go? He's harmless. 699 00:41:47,883 --> 00:41:50,010 - Uh, don't call me harmless, but I... - Are you with him? 700 00:41:50,093 --> 00:41:51,094 I'm just trying to help. 701 00:41:51,178 --> 00:41:52,846 - Hey... - Step back, step back. 702 00:41:52,930 --> 00:41:54,097 That's it. You're done. 703 00:41:54,181 --> 00:41:55,683 Shit. I'm sorry. 704 00:41:55,766 --> 00:41:57,518 This is a misunderstanding. 705 00:41:57,601 --> 00:41:58,811 I am the warden at Litchfield. 706 00:41:58,894 --> 00:42:00,437 The Director of Human Activities. 707 00:42:00,521 --> 00:42:02,105 It's the same fucking thing. 708 00:42:02,189 --> 00:42:04,482 - It's a small point. Sorry, Joe. - It's the same thing. 709 00:42:06,735 --> 00:42:10,531 CorrectiCon Assaultimore, am I right? 710 00:42:20,749 --> 00:42:22,751 Are you sure you don't wanna come with? 711 00:42:22,835 --> 00:42:25,378 We have to take the day shift up in ten minutes. 712 00:42:25,462 --> 00:42:27,673 You can get pretty drunk in ten minutes. 713 00:42:27,756 --> 00:42:30,050 You want me to leave Ramos unattended? 714 00:42:30,133 --> 00:42:31,218 Or bring her with. 715 00:42:31,301 --> 00:42:33,220 You two can give us a little show. 716 00:42:35,097 --> 00:42:37,099 We're good here, thanks. 717 00:42:49,527 --> 00:42:52,155 Aren't you kinda curious what they do in there? 718 00:42:52,239 --> 00:42:54,157 I know exactly what they do. 719 00:42:54,241 --> 00:42:58,036 Scratch each other's balls and play Call of Duty: Guantanamo. 720 00:43:03,208 --> 00:43:06,003 Can you believe this whole maxi pad thing? 721 00:43:06,086 --> 00:43:08,631 I got a wad of toilet paper so far up my hoohoo, 722 00:43:09,339 --> 00:43:11,258 I'm not sure it's ever gonna come out. 723 00:43:11,341 --> 00:43:13,844 And it's giving me a not-so-fresh feeling. 724 00:43:13,927 --> 00:43:16,972 I got a box of tampons at my place. You can borrow one. 725 00:43:17,055 --> 00:43:19,474 - Really? - Just make sure you return it. 726 00:43:41,664 --> 00:43:44,582 The torque vectoring is akin to what you'd find at the Indy 500. 727 00:43:44,667 --> 00:43:48,045 Oh, yeah, I can feel the... torque. 728 00:43:48,128 --> 00:43:50,673 485 foot-pounds of torque. 729 00:43:50,756 --> 00:43:52,549 A Ferrari is only 400. 730 00:43:53,425 --> 00:43:55,177 You know a lot about cars. 731 00:43:55,260 --> 00:43:57,220 Uh, I sure do. 732 00:43:57,304 --> 00:43:59,973 Are there a lot of women in the industry? 733 00:44:01,767 --> 00:44:04,061 Mmm... what would you say? 734 00:44:04,144 --> 00:44:07,022 Yeah, but they're mostly glorified hood ornaments, I'm afraid. 735 00:44:07,105 --> 00:44:09,692 How long have you two been together? 736 00:44:09,775 --> 00:44:12,903 - Me and her? - About ten minutes, ha! 737 00:44:14,487 --> 00:44:15,823 At least, it feels that way. 738 00:44:15,906 --> 00:44:18,366 Time moves pretty fast. 739 00:44:18,450 --> 00:44:20,452 - But not as fast as one of these babies! - Mmm. 740 00:44:20,535 --> 00:44:21,954 Do you have kids? 741 00:44:22,037 --> 00:44:23,163 Yeah... 742 00:44:23,246 --> 00:44:25,082 Two spoiled little monsters. 743 00:44:25,165 --> 00:44:26,667 Fourteen and 16. 744 00:44:28,168 --> 00:44:29,627 From a previous marriage? 745 00:44:29,712 --> 00:44:31,629 Well, I've only been married the once. 746 00:44:31,714 --> 00:44:32,965 Learned my lesson. 747 00:44:33,048 --> 00:44:35,467 - I'm sorry, I thought you... - Edward's pretty tough to nail down. 748 00:44:35,550 --> 00:44:38,386 But you can't blame me for trying. 749 00:44:38,470 --> 00:44:40,472 Trying to close the deal, so to speak. 750 00:44:40,555 --> 00:44:41,974 Good. What about you? 751 00:44:42,057 --> 00:44:43,141 You have kids? 752 00:44:44,977 --> 00:44:46,478 No, silly. 753 00:44:46,561 --> 00:44:48,438 Why would I keep that a secret? 754 00:44:48,521 --> 00:44:49,522 Classic Edward. 755 00:44:49,606 --> 00:44:51,859 Actually, it's Teddy. 756 00:44:51,942 --> 00:44:54,444 Wait till you hear this sound system. 757 00:44:59,657 --> 00:45:01,576 How did you guys meet? 758 00:45:01,659 --> 00:45:03,703 Ooh, feel that bass! 759 00:45:03,787 --> 00:45:06,915 - What kind of meat? - I just love hair metal! 760 00:45:06,999 --> 00:45:09,001 Meet! Where did you meet? 761 00:45:10,252 --> 00:45:12,712 Can you pull over? I think I'm gonna be sick! 762 00:45:17,175 --> 00:45:18,343 Oh. 763 00:45:28,478 --> 00:45:30,022 Are you gonna check on her? 764 00:45:31,356 --> 00:45:33,776 I was gonna ask you the same. 765 00:45:44,036 --> 00:45:46,079 You okay, sweetie? 766 00:45:50,083 --> 00:45:51,626 Hey! Where the hell are you going? 767 00:45:51,709 --> 00:45:53,086 What are you doing? 768 00:46:02,554 --> 00:46:03,972 So, how will you be paying? 769 00:46:14,191 --> 00:46:15,442 You're missing an "E" in "careers." 770 00:46:15,525 --> 00:46:17,027 It's "carers." 771 00:46:18,570 --> 00:46:19,863 Like you care. 772 00:46:21,156 --> 00:46:22,365 Like you give a shit. 773 00:46:22,449 --> 00:46:24,201 "Community Carers"? 774 00:46:25,160 --> 00:46:26,286 That sounds kind of gay. 775 00:46:27,704 --> 00:46:29,747 Gay for safety, maybe. 776 00:46:29,832 --> 00:46:30,958 Gay for justice. 777 00:46:31,041 --> 00:46:33,251 - Huh? - It is not gay. 778 00:46:33,335 --> 00:46:35,795 At least in the pejorative sense. 779 00:46:35,879 --> 00:46:37,840 We are a group of like-minded individuals 780 00:46:37,923 --> 00:46:42,510 that does not want to see this prison overrun by gangs and gang violence. 781 00:46:42,594 --> 00:46:44,012 Don't you want that? 782 00:46:45,180 --> 00:46:46,598 I do. Ow. 783 00:46:48,934 --> 00:46:50,227 You need help spreading the word? 784 00:46:54,857 --> 00:46:56,441 I love it here. 785 00:46:56,524 --> 00:47:00,320 It's, like, where we met, when you think about it. 786 00:47:00,403 --> 00:47:01,989 Yeah, it was pretty romantic. 787 00:47:02,072 --> 00:47:05,033 I mean, you were drooling and dead and shit. 788 00:47:06,451 --> 00:47:09,746 And I'm freaking the fuck out. 789 00:47:09,829 --> 00:47:11,915 Can you read me something in German? 790 00:47:11,999 --> 00:47:13,791 I think it's such a pretty language. 791 00:47:13,876 --> 00:47:16,836 Yeah, maybe compared to, like, American? 792 00:47:17,504 --> 00:47:20,757 - You're so weird. - Stop it! You're weird. 793 00:47:20,840 --> 00:47:22,926 Let's go find... let's go find the Rilke. 794 00:47:23,010 --> 00:47:24,802 Yes! 795 00:47:24,887 --> 00:47:26,846 - Yes! - Okay. 796 00:47:28,223 --> 00:47:29,599 - Turn around, it's this way. - Mmm-mmm. What? 797 00:47:32,810 --> 00:47:34,479 Yay! Story time! 798 00:47:34,562 --> 00:47:36,314 Oh. Shh. 799 00:47:37,315 --> 00:47:38,858 She's been studying all morning. 800 00:47:40,903 --> 00:47:45,157 Oh, my God, trig! My second favorite category in Mathletics. 801 00:47:46,199 --> 00:47:49,161 Lucky me. A fairy god-chink to teach me math. 802 00:47:49,244 --> 00:47:53,540 That's an offensive generalization, although apt in this case. 803 00:47:53,623 --> 00:47:55,125 Yeah, she plays the piano, too. 804 00:47:55,208 --> 00:47:57,585 But I think bubble tea is disgusting. 805 00:47:57,669 --> 00:47:59,963 And I never liked Hello Kitty. She has no mouth. 806 00:48:00,047 --> 00:48:01,048 Okay! 807 00:48:01,131 --> 00:48:03,800 The angle of elevation of a hot air balloon changes 808 00:48:03,883 --> 00:48:07,137 from 25 degrees at 10:00 a.m. to 60 degrees at 10:02 a.m. 809 00:48:07,220 --> 00:48:09,932 Did you already figure out the point of observation? 810 00:48:11,141 --> 00:48:12,225 What the fuck is she saying? 811 00:48:12,809 --> 00:48:15,145 Okay, this is gonna be fun. 812 00:48:15,228 --> 00:48:17,855 But... not as fun as calculus. 813 00:48:17,940 --> 00:48:20,358 I mean, calculus is where math meets poetry. 814 00:48:20,442 --> 00:48:22,444 And together, they give me a brain tumor. 815 00:48:22,527 --> 00:48:23,695 Okay. 816 00:48:23,778 --> 00:48:27,782 First, you're gonna need to find out the tangent of 25 817 00:48:27,865 --> 00:48:29,952 before we can figure out the tangent of 60. 818 00:48:30,035 --> 00:48:31,828 I'm not gonna lie, this is kind of turning me on. 819 00:48:31,911 --> 00:48:34,706 Is this the kind of thing I can use in real life? 820 00:48:34,789 --> 00:48:38,876 'Cause I'm supposed to be a productive member of society. 821 00:48:38,961 --> 00:48:39,962 Or some shit. 822 00:48:40,045 --> 00:48:42,172 Yeah, well, trig is very useful in determining 823 00:48:42,255 --> 00:48:43,798 the distance between celestial bodies. 824 00:48:43,881 --> 00:48:45,467 You're a celestial body. 825 00:48:45,550 --> 00:48:47,302 You're embarrassing me. 826 00:48:47,385 --> 00:48:49,346 Okay. Um... 827 00:48:49,429 --> 00:48:54,392 the upward speed is 3.16 meters per second. 828 00:48:55,435 --> 00:48:57,645 See? There you go. That wasn't too hard, was it? 829 00:48:57,729 --> 00:48:59,272 Yeah. Look at me go. 830 00:49:00,065 --> 00:49:01,858 Yeah! That's the spirit. 831 00:49:07,280 --> 00:49:08,948 Are we talking about the same McCullough? 832 00:49:09,574 --> 00:49:11,409 The one out there with the resting bitch face. 833 00:49:11,493 --> 00:49:13,620 Oh, yeah. Oh, she could totally be cute, 834 00:49:13,703 --> 00:49:15,998 if she got Princess Diaried. 835 00:49:16,873 --> 00:49:18,250 Oh, is that like, uh... 836 00:49:19,917 --> 00:49:21,253 What is that? 837 00:49:21,919 --> 00:49:24,422 It's where the chick in the movie is, like, all right. 838 00:49:24,506 --> 00:49:26,466 Normal. Hot-girl-actress normal. 839 00:49:26,549 --> 00:49:28,885 - Ah. - But then, straighten the hair, right, 840 00:49:28,968 --> 00:49:31,929 take the glasses off, you fix her teeth. 841 00:49:32,014 --> 00:49:34,224 - Yeah. - Give her a couple horse tranquilizers. 842 00:49:34,307 --> 00:49:36,601 There you go. 843 00:49:36,684 --> 00:49:41,106 Dude, you play it so smooth, but you're the biggest dick of all of us. 844 00:49:41,189 --> 00:49:42,315 Are you coming on to me? 845 00:49:42,399 --> 00:49:43,816 - Yes, I am. - It's working. 846 00:49:45,110 --> 00:49:46,778 Hey, Stratman, you want my Coors? 847 00:49:47,362 --> 00:49:48,613 I haven't taken a sip of it yet. 848 00:49:48,696 --> 00:49:50,990 I'm sorry, is Officer Dixon pacing himself? 849 00:49:51,074 --> 00:49:52,409 More room for Jäger. 850 00:49:52,492 --> 00:49:53,493 Oh. 851 00:49:54,411 --> 00:49:55,412 Sure, I guess. 852 00:49:55,495 --> 00:49:57,039 - There you go. - Oh, fuck, man! 853 00:49:57,122 --> 00:49:58,581 - Oh! - What the fuck? 854 00:49:58,665 --> 00:50:00,708 Oh! Classic! 855 00:50:00,792 --> 00:50:03,002 Oh, classic. 856 00:50:03,086 --> 00:50:04,796 I'm never gonna be able to unsee that. 857 00:50:16,974 --> 00:50:18,226 Hey, who's the taco? 858 00:50:21,188 --> 00:50:22,397 Dude! 859 00:50:24,566 --> 00:50:26,609 Yo, amigo! What are you doing here? 860 00:50:28,111 --> 00:50:29,154 Hey, bro. 861 00:50:29,237 --> 00:50:30,613 You habla English? 862 00:50:30,697 --> 00:50:32,157 'Lonso! 863 00:50:32,240 --> 00:50:36,244 You're supposed to trim the bushes on Wednesday, not Tuesday. 864 00:50:37,579 --> 00:50:38,663 Follow me. 865 00:50:39,581 --> 00:50:42,334 - You know this dude? - You guys haven't met Alonso? 866 00:50:42,417 --> 00:50:43,876 He's the gardener guy. 867 00:50:44,627 --> 00:50:46,546 I don't think I've ever seen him sober. 868 00:50:46,629 --> 00:50:49,507 No wonder he don't know his Tuesday from his Wednesday. 869 00:50:49,591 --> 00:50:51,176 Oh, a man after my own heart. 870 00:50:51,759 --> 00:50:53,261 Well, hey, bro, if you could, uh... 871 00:50:53,345 --> 00:50:56,223 take care of the weeds and shit out front, 872 00:50:56,306 --> 00:50:58,350 I know me and the fellas would really appreciate it. 873 00:50:58,933 --> 00:51:02,019 We may be animals, but we're not, you know, animals. 874 00:51:03,771 --> 00:51:05,523 Yes, I... I will do that. 875 00:51:06,274 --> 00:51:07,442 Thanks. 876 00:51:17,285 --> 00:51:20,330 You're smarter than you look, pretty girl. 877 00:51:35,553 --> 00:51:38,765 I know. Sucks being a lady sometimes, doesn't it? 878 00:51:48,983 --> 00:51:50,568 It was... it was all a knee-jerk reaction. 879 00:51:50,652 --> 00:51:52,570 I would actually blame Danny for that. 880 00:51:52,654 --> 00:51:54,822 Go ahead, tell my dad. I don't care. 881 00:51:55,948 --> 00:51:57,784 Why? Why would I tell your dad? 882 00:51:58,743 --> 00:51:59,786 No, I... 883 00:51:59,869 --> 00:52:02,664 I'm only saying if you did, I wouldn't care. 884 00:52:04,374 --> 00:52:09,421 Danny, telling Jack that you were arrested by a Baltimore rent-a-cop 885 00:52:09,504 --> 00:52:13,591 would mean telling him that I was arrested by a Baltimore rent-a-cop. 886 00:52:13,675 --> 00:52:15,302 So rest easy. 887 00:52:15,385 --> 00:52:20,223 Your career as Norma Rae is safe with me. 888 00:52:20,307 --> 00:52:21,974 Oh. Okay. 889 00:52:22,809 --> 00:52:24,060 Thanks. 890 00:52:25,603 --> 00:52:27,564 'Course I can't speak for her. 891 00:52:30,775 --> 00:52:33,236 So... Linda, huh? 892 00:52:34,779 --> 00:52:36,198 I knew you were in bed with my father, 893 00:52:36,281 --> 00:52:38,741 but I didn't know you were doing it with Satan herself. 894 00:52:38,825 --> 00:52:40,577 We're not doing it. 895 00:52:41,869 --> 00:52:43,288 What the hell is that supposed to mean? 896 00:52:45,415 --> 00:52:48,710 From one Director of Human Activity to another... 897 00:52:48,793 --> 00:52:50,044 watch out for that one. 898 00:52:53,631 --> 00:52:54,924 Okay. 899 00:52:56,843 --> 00:52:59,346 I've convinced them that you're no longer a threat to society. 900 00:53:01,514 --> 00:53:03,182 You can leave now, Danny. 901 00:53:04,434 --> 00:53:05,768 Boo. Hiss. 902 00:53:07,144 --> 00:53:09,439 Uh-uh. Not you. 903 00:53:09,522 --> 00:53:11,524 I know, I... 904 00:53:11,608 --> 00:53:12,817 I lost my cool in there. 905 00:53:12,900 --> 00:53:17,572 You should have followed MCC protocol never to engage with a protester. 906 00:53:17,655 --> 00:53:21,576 But that is not your worst offense. 907 00:53:23,286 --> 00:53:24,746 You, sir... 908 00:53:24,829 --> 00:53:26,914 are arrested... 909 00:53:26,998 --> 00:53:29,501 for chivalry in the first degree. 910 00:53:30,293 --> 00:53:31,544 What? 911 00:53:31,628 --> 00:53:34,422 Standing up for me like that. 912 00:53:35,590 --> 00:53:39,218 You are full of surprises, mister. 913 00:53:46,809 --> 00:53:48,311 Those Karate Kid moves. 914 00:53:48,395 --> 00:53:50,438 - I got more moves where that came from. - Oh, yeah? 915 00:53:51,981 --> 00:53:53,441 Let's see. 916 00:54:04,619 --> 00:54:05,620 Oh! 917 00:54:12,001 --> 00:54:15,922 Let me start by saying, I am so encouraged by this turnout. 918 00:54:16,839 --> 00:54:20,677 I always knew that Litchfield had a strong community of carers. 919 00:54:20,760 --> 00:54:22,804 Women who are willing to keep their eyes open 920 00:54:22,887 --> 00:54:25,765 for any miscreant activity, any malfeasance. 921 00:54:28,685 --> 00:54:30,227 Bad stuff. 922 00:54:31,396 --> 00:54:33,356 There is a sickness sweeping this prison. 923 00:54:33,440 --> 00:54:34,482 Like an STD? 924 00:54:34,566 --> 00:54:37,360 A societal STD, you might say. 925 00:54:39,195 --> 00:54:40,613 And we... 926 00:54:41,656 --> 00:54:43,450 we get to be the antibodies. 927 00:54:43,533 --> 00:54:49,622 The medicated cream, I guess, that then fights off that STD. 928 00:54:49,706 --> 00:54:53,460 Whenever you are walking down the halls and you sense a shadowy presence, 929 00:54:53,543 --> 00:54:55,962 whenever the walls are tainted with graffiti... 930 00:54:56,045 --> 00:54:58,423 - She said "taint." - Shh. 931 00:54:58,506 --> 00:55:00,883 What I am trying to say is... 932 00:55:02,802 --> 00:55:06,305 will you join me on a quest to keep our hallways clean 933 00:55:06,389 --> 00:55:08,975 and our hearts pure of purpose? 934 00:55:10,142 --> 00:55:12,103 Piper's right, you guys. 935 00:55:12,186 --> 00:55:15,940 You can't swing a cat around here lately without hitting a dirty Dominican. 936 00:55:16,023 --> 00:55:17,442 Oh, no, that's not what I meant. 937 00:55:17,525 --> 00:55:20,820 Amen to that! You know, we're always having to hear about Latin Pride. 938 00:55:20,903 --> 00:55:23,072 - Yeah. - And Black Pride. 939 00:55:23,155 --> 00:55:24,323 And Asian Pride. 940 00:55:24,407 --> 00:55:25,492 Wait, Asian Pride? 941 00:55:25,575 --> 00:55:27,452 Yo, why can't there be such a thing as White Pride? 942 00:55:27,535 --> 00:55:31,664 Yeah! We're always hearing about how black lives matter. 943 00:55:31,748 --> 00:55:33,583 Well, don't our lives matter? 944 00:55:33,666 --> 00:55:34,917 Right? 945 00:55:35,001 --> 00:55:37,044 White lives matter. 946 00:55:37,128 --> 00:55:39,088 White lives matter! 947 00:55:39,171 --> 00:55:41,215 White lives matter! 948 00:55:41,298 --> 00:55:43,259 White lives matter! 949 00:55:43,342 --> 00:55:44,969 White lives matter! 950 00:55:45,052 --> 00:55:46,763 White lives matter! 951 00:55:46,846 --> 00:55:48,931 White lives matter! 952 00:55:49,015 --> 00:55:50,683 White lives matter! 953 00:55:50,767 --> 00:55:52,602 White lives matter! 954 00:55:52,685 --> 00:55:54,854 White lives matter! 955 00:55:54,937 --> 00:55:56,856 White lives matter! 956 00:55:56,939 --> 00:55:58,650 White lives matter! 957 00:55:58,733 --> 00:56:00,026 White lives matter! 958 00:56:00,109 --> 00:56:02,111 White lives matter! 959 00:56:02,194 --> 00:56:03,780 White lives matter! 960 00:56:03,863 --> 00:56:05,490 White lives matter! 961 00:56:05,573 --> 00:56:07,283 White lives matter! 962 00:56:07,366 --> 00:56:08,910 White lives matter! 963 00:56:08,993 --> 00:56:10,369 White lives matter! 964 00:56:10,453 --> 00:56:12,079 White lives matter! 965 00:56:12,163 --> 00:56:13,540 White lives matter! 966 00:56:13,623 --> 00:56:14,874 White lives matter!